#who knew music made you feel emotions?? absurd.

[softness-and-shattering]

Tearing up listening to music. What is this human experience.

[stackslip]

I wanna ask what’s going on with arcane but I feel like I’m opening pandora’s box 😅

the thing about arcane s1's writing, is that every plot beat flowed naturally from characters' choices, and every one of the characters' choices made sense in the context of who that character was, where they came from and what information they are working with at the time they make that decision. it felt like a tightly written tragedy where on a rewatch, it all feels completely inevitable that things would end this way because it made sense to who we learned these characters were. and said characters were layered, much time was devoted to giving them a certain degree of depth and believability (bar cait). you can criticize other aspects of s1's writing such as liberal wishwashiness but s1 of arcane was a *good* tragedy with a genuinely compelling cast! the final scene of the show is a confrontation between three major players who were all working with different information and whose motivations are completely at odds but who have a deeply personal tie, it's about jinx as the end result of the zaun-piltover conflict, it's about vi and silco being two deeply broken people who see her in an idealized version they deeply love and want her to remain this static thing they can be comfortable with until it turns out she can't be and she shatters and at the same time irreversably destroys her relationship to both, leading her in her despair to set off the ticking time bomb that is piltover and zaun's inevitable conflict!

so like, s1 has its flaws but its finale imo was perfect and made the whole thing self contained. i was ok with s2 happening. the only thing i wanted was more the dynamic character writing. i expected wishy washy politcs. and act 1 of s2 already struggled with character, but at least the plot beats were interesting and while not earned, made sense according to the characters we'd left in s1.

s2 act 2 is an absolute catastrophe, even compared to the previous act, nevermind compared to s1. it's not just that the plot beats don't feel earned, it's not just that it's missing connective tissue between them--it's that all the most interesting conflicts and dynamics just cease to exist. they don't get "resolved", they either are completely forgotten or are just waved away magically to pave the way for an utterly stupid, shlocky, wannabe shock value emotional final ten minutes of episode 6 that is honestly infuriating in how it's trying to push you to have feelings about it. i don't have any feelings besides revulsion and bafflement frankly. even before these final ten minutes of ep 6, the sheer lack of buildup or of character moments, the way characters are basically willed by the plot to be there at specific points for plot to happen to them instead of them arriving at it naturally--the way it reframes interesting aspects of s1 and s2 act 1 into shlocky, tropey bullshit--it's honestly near mesmerizing? it's like they brought in whole different new writers specifically for this who decided to back down on ANYTHING the show did that was interesting to try to instead push to the league's status quo instead, no matter how little sense it makes. i'm almost in awe. how do you mess up so badly.

this isn't just like, the plot is rushed and we need to get there as fast as possible--none of these resolutions make SENSE. jinx and vi's relationship was the core of season one, and suddenly magically jinx shows up at vi's door and vi bitches a little and then they go hunt vander down together and then they all hug because he was their father too <333 isha. i'm supposed to have emotions about isha? she sacrifices herself for.... forwhat? what? why? it's like they knew they had to kill her off to give jinx feelings and do so in the most stupid and absurd way possible, i was laughing hysterically when the music came in. it was so blatantly manipulative and uncalled for. ok i guess! sevika helps jinx and then once she's served her plot purpose she just vanishes! doesn't she wanna meet vander??? ekko's disappearance doesn't both people much i guess even his own firelights. ambessa says a single line about mel disappearing, and can i say i'm kinda infuriated that two out of three of the main black characters are just locked away from the plot and main cast for a large period of time. jayce--i guess they'll give us an explanation as to why but here it's like he just...... shows up angry and "ruins" things and that's it. whatever there was to ruin lmfao sky and viktor's heterosexuality mind palace leading to him being cyborg satan or some shit? cait finally FINALLY gets some personality, something interesting to her, she is openly a reactionary fascist who gassed half the undercity to sniff out jinx, and then she meets vi and within a solid minute is now back to being Nice and helping out jinx. i guess. silco and vander's backstory kind of completely destroys a lot of the stuff that made vander and silco's relationship to vi and jinx interesting and goes for a Family Is 5ever approach i guess.

just. i don't think there's a single thing there that's redeemable or interesting. it's comically bad. vi has no personality or motivation. she just does things. she got an emo trauma amv so that we get that she's sad but it might as well not have happened bc she barely is a character. jinx is a sad manic pixie dream girl. her psychosis is gone or barely there now apparently. sevika is plot and then vanishes when her part is done. ambessa is not a mastermind as act 1 hinted at but the most stupid comical villain alive. mel is--is she just going to come back to do a big plot thing in act 3 and then that's it? ekko the same? we have no idea what jayce is even doing or what or why. piltover and zaun are gonna ally now i guess lol. ok sure why not. why anything. why do anything at all! what's the point!

it's funny bc i was willing to give this season a chance despite act 1 being so rushed bc again, the plot points were interesting and while the characters needed more time fleshed out for their decisions to make sense i COULD see the characters making these choices and it was just a question of missing buildup. here it's like everyone is a zombie of their actual self. there's no point to anything. it's so stupid. it tries hard to play the emotion part but why should i feel any emotion except befuddlement? why are caitvi shippers happy? i'd be insulted. i feel insulted. i heard via a friend that riot had intervened in the writing more and so far i hadn't felt it but now i'm wondering if that's not exactly what happened bc it genuinely feels like the writers were fired right after act 1. what the fuck lol. i don't think i even wanna watch act 3 after this, i feel genuinely insulted that i should be expected to think this is the same show as s1 or that i should feel any kind of positive feelings about it. fuck this show so bad lmfao i'm sticking to s1 and pretending nothing happened after it. maybe grabbing some act 1 plot points for fun and that's it. it's so bad

[mbruben-stein]

Hey there! I want to give a request for Raphael, Leonardo, Donnatello and Michaelangelo who have S/O who isn't usually expressive and always so stoic that you might even think they are a robot but then they did something really silly and that's when they heard their s/o laughing for the first time.

TMNT boys Reaction to stoic s/o laughing in front of them for the first time.

Leo:

Leo had always admired his significant other's calm and collected demeanor. They were always so stoic, rarely showing any emotion, which sometimes made Leo wonder if they were even capable of feeling anything at all. But deep down, he knew there was more to them than meets the eye.

One day, while Leo was training in the dojo, his S/O came in to watch. As Leo practiced his moves, he couldn't help but steal glances at them, hoping for some sort of reaction. But as usual, they remained expressionless, their eyes fixed on him with unwavering focus.

But then, out of nowhere, Leo slipped on a training mat and fell flat on his shell. And to his surprise, he heard a sound he never thought he'd hear from his S/O - laughter. It was soft and gentle, but it was genuine.

Leo looked up in shock, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. His S/O quickly composed themselves, trying to hide their amusement behind a neutral facade. But Leo couldn't help but smile, feeling a warmth in his heart at the sound of their laughter.

From that day on, Leo made it his mission to bring out more of his S/O's hidden emotions. He would do silly things, tell bad jokes, and even watch cheesy shows with them, all in the hopes of hearing that beautiful sound of laughter once again. And as they shared more lighthearted moments together, Leo knew that their relationship was stronger than ever.

Raph:

Raphael had always known that his significant other was not the most expressive person. They were always so stoic and serious, rarely showing any emotion. It sometimes made him wonder if they were even capable of laughing or smiling. But he loved them nonetheless, appreciating their calm and composed nature that balanced out his own fiery personality.

One day, Raph decided to do something completely out of character for him. He put on a silly hat, danced around the lair, and made ridiculous faces just to see if he could get a reaction out of his s/o. At first, they just raised an eyebrow at his antics, not showing any sign of amusement. But then, something unexpected happened.

As Raph continued to act like a complete goofball, his s/o's lips twitched ever so slightly. And then, to his utter surprise, they let out a small chuckle. It was the first time he had ever heard them laugh, and it was like music to his ears. Raph couldn't help but grin from ear to ear, feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment at finally breaking through their stoic facade.

From that day on, Raph made it his mission to bring more laughter and joy into their relationship. He loved seeing his s/o's rare smiles and chuckles, knowing that he was the reason behind them. And as they both shared more lighthearted moments together, their bond only grew stronger, proving that even the most serious of souls could find happiness in the silliest of moments.

Donnie:

Donnie had always been fascinated by his S/O's stoic nature. They rarely showed their emotions, always maintaining a calm and collected facade. It was something that both intrigued and puzzled him. He often found himself wondering what was going on in their mind, behind that unreadable expression.

One day, while working on a new invention in his lab, Donnie got a little too excited and accidentally banged his head against the door, causing him to fall to the floor in a heap. His S/O, who had been quietly observing him from the corner, suddenly burst out laughing. It was the first time Donnie had ever heard them laugh, and it was a beautiful sound to his ears.

As he rubbed his sore head, Donnie couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of the situation. His S/O's laughter was contagious, and soon they were both laughing together, the tension and seriousness of the moment melting away.

From that day on, Donnie noticed a change in his S/O. They seemed more relaxed around him, more willing to let their guard down and show their true self. It was a side of them that Donnie cherished, knowing that he had somehow managed to break through their stoic exterior and bring out their hidden laughter.

As they sat together in the lab, surrounded by gadgets and gizmos, Donnie couldn't help but feel grateful for that accidental bump on the head. It had brought him closer to his S/O in a way he never thought possible, and he knew that their bond was stronger because of it.

Mikey:

Mikey had always been the most outgoing and expressive of the ninja turtles, so when he found himself in a relationship with someone who was the complete opposite, he was determined to crack their tough exterior. His significant other was always so stoic and reserved, never showing much emotion, which sometimes made Mikey wonder if they were even capable of laughing.

One day, Mikey decided to put his silly antics to the test. He set up an elaborate prank involving a rubber chicken and a whoopee cushion, hoping to finally see a smile on his s/o's face. As his plan unfolded, he watched with bated breath as his s/o's expression shifted from confusion to amusement.

And then, it happened. A small chuckle escaped from his s/o's lips, followed by a full-blown laughter that filled the room. Mikey's heart swelled with joy as he realized that he had finally broken through their tough exterior.

From that day on, Mikey made it his mission to bring laughter and joy to his s/o's life. He would come up with the silliest jokes and pranks just to see that beautiful smile on their face. And every time his s/o laughed, it was like music to his ears.

Mikey may have been the wild one of the group, but when it came to his s/o, he was the most caring and thoughtful partner anyone could ask for. And seeing his s/o finally open up and show their true emotions was a reward that he cherished more than anything else.

[ashwhowrites]

Hi my love!! Hope you’re well 😊 I’ve never sent a request before so I hope this is intelligible.

So Older!Eddie and reader have a relationship she’s hiding from her strict religious parents because Eddie is of course a Metalhead and his appearance and such, whereas she’s younger (about 21) and has always been brought up surrounded by bible verses, hymns and the belief that anything impure will send her to Hell. However, when she begins her relationship with Eddie, she begins to break away from her parents beliefs and has all her firsts with Eddie.

They have this beautiful relationship where he’s completely enamoured and soft with her, all patient and understanding because he knows she’s new to it all. And one day, her mother sees her car parked outside of Eddie’s trailer (I imagine him to live in his own, still in the trailer park) when driving past and confronts reader when she’s home. It’s all angsty, telling her she’ll never get to have kids with him, he’ll never stick around and she won’t want to spend the rest of her life trailing along behind him as he grows old, not living her life or making anything of herself because of it. Her parents do nothing but ignore her presence around the house, even going as far to take down the pictures of her from the walls

Her mom’s words stay on her mind and she pulls away from Eddie, leaving him terrified of what’s happened and if she’s leaving him. She goes there a couple days after, repeating it all to Eddie and trying to convince herself that her mother was right in the process. She doesn’t budge when Eddie tries convincing her whilst crying from her harsh words to him. So it’s a big emotional argument with Eddie grasping her arm as she tries to leave, crying as he kisses her skin all over, murmuring about how much he loves her.

As she goes to leave his trailer for the last time once he’s stopped begging her not to, they stare at each other tearfully before she begins sobbing, running into his arms and she explains everything and ends up leaving her parents and moving in with Eddie. Happy Ending???

Sorry this was so long 😅

Fair warning- I did not grow up religious, and it was never taught to me, so my description of it might be totally off. And I hope that does not offend anyone

I hope this is what you wanted and you enjoy it! Thank you for requesting 🫶🏻

To believe in him

Y/N lived in a structured home, with structured parents. She was taught to pray before she rests her head, pray before every meal, and be a girl God would have been proud of. She lived in a cloud, her eyes and ears shut off how the world truly was. Her parents had her in a bubble where perfection was the standard and she better not be a dash less.

She didn't know any better, raised in her parents' ways that she never knew there was so much more to the world. Then she met Eddie, tall dark, and handsome. He was mysterious, alternative, had long hair, and listened to the devil's music. He used absurd language and had the mind of a sinner. But Y/N swore whenever she saw him, she saw what a true angel looked like.

His smile beamed and he had this glow. Warm brown eyes that made her feel lost, and arms that grounded her. She didn't know what love would feel like, but she knew that this was it.

He was older, had seen the world, and made it back. He was a survivor who got his hands dirty in the soil. He lived alone and made his own money to feed and shelter himself. Everything a man was supposed to be in the books she grew up reading. But she knew he could never go home to her parents. One look at him and they'd shun him down to hell. That was the sad part about her parent's religion, it masked their eyes to people who weren't afraid to live freely in the world.

Once their relationship took off, she came clean about everything. About the religion, her parents, and that she was new to everything. Eddie was slow, and patient, and held her hand through everything. He showed her the ropes of being in a relationship. Teaching her that she didn't have to be sorry for not doing everything perfectly on the first try. He allowed her to fail, to try again, and to feel pride in herself.

He showed her the world. She listened to music her parents would hate. She watched inappropriate movies. She wore new clothes and pieces that made her feel sexy. She kissed and kissed. She went further, having sex with a man without a ring on her finger.

"Are you sure?" Eddie whispered, his naked body on top of hers as his long hair dangled around her face. His eyes stayed on hers, his left hand on her hip, and right on her face.

"Yes"

She whined in pain as he slowly slid in, pressing kisses all over her face as he rubbed her hip with his thumb. Sweet words fell from his lips as her body welcomed him in.

He talked her through the pain, the anxiety washing away as she looked into the eyes of the only man she had ever loved. The pain turned to bliss as he moved inside of her. His lips and hands were on her skin, and the warm feeling of him was inside of her. She cried out as she felt things she had never felt before, clawing at Eddie's skin.

And she didn't regret any of it.

Eddie loved her more than anything in the world. He understood her fear of the world around her and breaking away from everything she had learned. He didn't ruin her or make her damaged goods. He didn't believe in the same beliefs as her, but he would always respect it.

After a year of being together, he was amazed at her growth. He knew she couldn't bring him home and he was okay with that. He had a trailer all to himself and he loved adding her in. He loved her things in his shower and room. Her favorite snacks are in his pantry and drinks are in his fridge.

He wanted the next step. He wanted her home to be his home.

~~~

"Smells amazing in here," Y/N said softly, wrapping her arms around Eddie's waist as he stood by the stove. The smell of chicken filled his small home, and she could feel her stomach growling.

"I think," he started, turning around so he could face her. He pushed her hair away from her neck, leaning down as his nose tickled her skin. "You smell amazing."

She shivered as his lips kissed her neck, and his strong hands held her hips. He pulled back and captured her lips in a kiss. His warm lips pressed against hers as she felt her body float. Every kiss made her head spin in the clouds.

She pulled away with a blush and a smile

"I love you" he whispered

"I love you too"

They had a romantic dinner and then she was heading home. A smile on her face as she walked through the front door. Her body buzzed as she felt the ghost of his hands on her.

She smiled at her mother, preparing to walk past her but her mother stopped her.

"I prayed you would be smart enough to not disappoint God, but I seem to be wrong."

Y/N gulped as she looked into her mother's angry eyes. Her stomach turned in miserable ways.

"What do you mean?" She asked nervously

"You cannot be with that...that devil of a man!" Her mother seethed, standing up as her chair scraped against the floor.

"He's not the devil, Mom." She said quietly, "he's a good guy"

"Oh my, he has already brainwashed you!" Her mother argued

"Brainwashed me? How?" Y/N asked, feeling anger rushing through her bones

"He has taken advantage of your young age! He is a grown man and doing what knows what with a naive and stupid young girl. That man is heading to hell and I will not let you go there with him. You hear me, young lady?" Her mother got closer as her words got louder

Y/N felt backed against a wall, tears in her eyes

"I'm not stupid! I love him and he loves me. There is nothing wrong with that. He did not take advantage of me and I have a full say in our relationship. I do the things I want to do and he never forces anything. I'm not shunned to hell simply because I am in love." Y/N argued, standing up for herself and Eddie. Something she would have never done if Eddie didn't teach her.

"A relationship? Do you think your little fun is a relationship? You are far more stupid than I thought. You cannot marry a man who is over ten years older than you. You cannot stop living your life, in your prime years, simply because he is growing old. Do you realize that? Do you want kids? Not going to happen when the father is in his forties. He isn't going to be tied down to that. Your life will be put on hold, and you will never make something of yourself." Her mother spoke the words right in her face.

And Y/N hated the way the words affected her body

"You will not be my daughter for as long as you walk hand in hand with the devil."

The last words her mother ever said to her.

~

Y/N truly believed it would get better as each day passed, but it didn't. Her parents ignored her around the house. Never turning their eyes her way, never speaking towards her. They never talked about her and went as far as to take her pictures off the walls. It was like she was a ghost and watching her family live without her.

She tried to ignore it. Live her life like nothing changed. She didn't say anything to Eddie because she believed she could handle it. But she couldn't. Whenever she saw him, her mother's words haunted her brain.

So she began to pull away, staying locked in her room as she felt unworthy of being anywhere else. Was she a bad person? Would God shame her for the decisions she made? Would she ever be forgiven? Did she want to be forgiven?

~~~

A week passed after she pulled away from Eddie and he panicked. He had no idea what happened and what changed. All he knew was that he hated it more than anything. He wanted her back and to love each other as easily as it always was.

Y/N felt like Eddie deserved a goodbye, and she could at least give him that.

She left her house, without a word. Her heart was heavy as she knocked on his door.

She tucked herself in her arms when he opened the door. She held back the gasp when she took in his state. His hair was wild and messy, eyes so red and puffy. His cheeks were raw and his lips bruised, probably from biting them so hard.

"Baby" he breathed out in relief, his arms went to wrap around her but she stepped back.

Eddie bit his lip as he also stepped back. A new rush of tears was already falling down his face. She looked tired and sad, and he hated it.

"What happened?" He asked, letting her walk inside as he closed the door.

"I think we need to break up, Eddie." She said. Eddie felt his heart stop as the words left her lips.

"What? Why?"

"It's just...in the long run, this relationship isn't going to work. I want a marriage and I want kids. We can't have that. You are only getting older and I'm still so young. There's so much of the world I need to see."

"Who says we can't do that all together? I'll marry you, I'll have all the kids you want. I'll fly you anywhere you want to go. Age has never been an issue, and it doesn't have to be. We can stay together and I'll give you everything you want." Eddie fought, his hands reaching out to clench over hers.

She hiccupped as she tried to keep her sobs hidden. But he stood with his tears flying freely and his heart on his sleeve.

"You don't want that Eddie! You've left this town and always came right back. You aren't going to leave for some random girl" she snapped

Eddie wasn't sure what happened but he knew it was something he needed to fix. He hated that she seemed so mad and already made up her mind.

"You aren't a random girl! I'm in love with you. Maybe I always came back to this town because you were here." He cried, moving his hands up to her shoulders as he gripped onto her for life.

"That's bullshit, Eddie. This wasn't an act of faith from the universe. You wanted fun with someone young, and naive enough to believe it could have been love." Her eyes were hard as she glared at him. Almost like she blamed him for the relationship ever starting.

"Stop it! This is love! It's always been love. You can't say this shit and act like it's common knowledge. I'd do anything for you. Just please, let us fix this." He begged. No shame as he showed just how vulnerable he was.

"EDDIE STOP! THIS ISN'T LOVE," she screamed as she pushed him away.

"YES IT IS!" he screamed back but allowed her to push him away.

"IT'S NOT! WE CAN'T HAVE KIDS! I NEED TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF BEFORE I START A FAMILY. We can't wait for that, Eddie. We can't have kids when you are fifty, I'll be stuck raising them alone I don't wanna just be someone's wife! I offer more to the world" she argued

"What can I say to change your mind?" He whispered, "What can I say to make you believe me? I don't care what age I am when we have kids. And you'd never be alone!" His hands held her face as she sniffled. "I've been here and I always will be. Right next to you through everything. You are more than just a wife, and I will watch you conquer the world but please let me be there with you."

"I'm sorry, but you can't" she sobbed, softly taking his hands off her face. "This is the end, Eddie." She ran past him, throwing open the door as she ran out. Running from him and running from all the pain she caused.

But Eddie wasn't one to give up. He ran after her. He grabbed her arm and twisted her right into his body. The impact of her body smashing into his caused the breath to leave her lungs.

"I love you. I love everything about you" he cried. His lips were wet from tears as he pressed kisses to her skin. He kissed up her arms, neck, and face. Kissing everything as he mumbled all the love he had for her. "No one will ever love you the way I do. Believe me. Trust me and stay with me."

She sobbed as his words hit her skin. She bit her lip as she tried to pull away. Crying harder as his grip got tighter.

"Eddie, let me go"

"No" he cried

"Eddie, you need to let me go"

"Baby, I can't do that"

"EDDIE, LET ME GO!" she sobbed

"You really want to end this?" He asked

She didn't say a word but nodded. She felt a whimper leave her throat when he let her go. Distance between them and it killed her to know there would be so much more once she got in her car and drove away.

"I won't stop you. But, what's your plan? Leave me and move on? Find someone your age to fall in love with? Like everything we've done together is gonna just be a memory? Am I just going to be a memory?" His voice cracked as more tears fell. But he stood still, allowing her to leave.

"I...I don't know"

"You are okay with ending this for an I don't know? I know that I will never move on and I will never fall in love with anyone else. Can you?" He asked, holding his breath as he waited for her to answer.

"No," she said without a beat. She knew once she left, all she would do was think about him. Wish that every man she'd ever meet was him.

They stared at each other in silence. Tears down their faces as they soaked in each other for one last time.

He refused to move first, he refused to walk away. But she felt frozen in the dirt. Visions of her future life and she saw him in every part. If she left, all it would do would please her parents. It would leave her heartbroken and filled with regret. It was clear this man loved her. The way he was fighting for her was a sign that she was right where she was supposed to be.

Neither were sure of how long they stood there. Seconds, minutes, or even hours. Time didn't seem to exist.

Y/N felt a huge sob coming up her throat, the sob was loud as she choked on her own tears. And she ran again, but this time straight into his arms. He sobbed into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm so sorry. My mom got in my head but I love you so much. I can't leave you. I want you. I want us." She sobbed, her words coming out broken but Eddie understood. He held her tighter as he cradled her head into his chest. "They hate me. I don't even have a home anymore. But I'll never be happy if I leave you."

"Home is right here. Right here with me." He said into her hair, kissing her head as he embraced the feeling of her in his arms.

He was right. Home was never that house. Home was everything she felt while being in his arms.

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunsonmain @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @somethingvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid @tlclick73 @hargrovesswifee @cityofidek @silky-luxe @lokiofasgard616 @loving-and-dreaming @eddiemunsonsbitch69 @thegemaqua @ashlynnkennedy @strangerthingsstories5255 @harringt8ns @pleasinghellfire @whoscamila @stusdollface93 @gretavankleep37 @bellaisswagger @arlx @ineedmentalhelp123

[yeetfanficccc]

Love is for other people Boq Woodsman x reader oneshot Wicked musical

Concept- Shiz years AU(everyone is just vibing at Shiz and nothing goes wrong because I can’t emotionally do that right now) 

(Y/N) is one of Galinda’s friends trying to get her to admit her and Elphaba like eachother. Boq takes an interest in (Y/N) instead of Galinda. Nessa is just vibing and doesn’t like Boq because plot connivence. Fiyero is Fiyeroing in the background. I made up some fun Ozian words for Galinda to say! Not proofread, gender neutral reader

“So, you like her right?” 

��What!” Galinda gasped in her high-pitch tone clutching her chest, “I positively do not! That would be absurd, impossilosious even. We are just friends...” She spoke the last word in a breathy sigh, her long eyelashes fluttering. “Very good friends.” 

“Friends that stare at each other longingly from across the room?” Just that moment Galinda’s face snapped back to me from her not so obvious turn to Elphaba across the lunchroom during our conversation. ShenShen and Pfannee were eating near us and were only kind of aware of Galinda’s crush, so she leaned in further to me. 

“Hm.” She crossed her arms with a pout, “(Y/N) you’re too perceptive-its frustafacating!”

“You should tell her, really. From the way she looks at you, I think she might like you to.”

“Really?!” Galinda shot up from her seat eyes a blaze, “I mean… that would be nice.”

“I don’t know for sure of course. But you’ll never know if you don’t ask. Just think about it.”

“That’s the problem, I am very bad at thinkafacating when she’s around. My mind goes to mush. It’s very… very… oh I don’t know…”  

Galinda looked longingly at Elphaba on the other side of the cafeteria. 

Ever since the night at the OzDust, Galinda’s true view on Elphaba seemed to bubble to the surface. She pretended to hate her for so long that once they admitted they should at least be friends, all those deep-seated emotions were at a boiling point. For weeks now, (Y/N) watched as her most confident, cheery friend turned into a blushing idiot whenever a certain green witch was around. Really, it was adorable. 

In a way, I was a bit jealous. Sure, I’d had my fair share of crushes, but no one who made me feel like I was dancing on clouds high in the sky. So, I resigned myself to love from the sidelines. I supported my friends, kept my fancies to myself, and pretended it didn’t bother me. Love was for other people, not me. 

“Oh! Elphie is coming this way.” Galinda grinned, “how do I look?” 

“Beautiful as always. I’ll leave you to it.” I patted her on the back, “good luck.”

After a nod and signature toss-toss, Galinda shifted her focus from me entirely to Elphaba. I snuck away, smiling at seeing my friend so happy. My afternoon class wasn’t for another 20 minutes, so I decided to take a walk as a little treat. Shiz had breathtaking grounds, it was one of the main reasons I came here, I liked to take advantage of whenever able. 

“(Y/N)!” a familiar voice called waving his arms up and down. My soft smile grew.

Before, I knew it, Boq appeared at my side, “hey Boq!”

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” he said with a sheepish grin, “the clouds are umm… cloudy!”

“Boq, have you ever been in love?”

“What?” his face turned as red as his hair. 

“Sorry.” I laughed, “That was sudden of me. I just never have and was wondering what it felt like.”

“Oh.” A small disappoint fell over his face, “well I-I have.” 

“Really? How long did you date them?”

“Oh, we never dated. It’s just this person I really admire…they’re kind, smart, and endlessly breathtaking… they’re probably out of my league though.”

“Wait is this current? How come you never told me!” I grabbed my friend’s hands, and the poor boy looked like he was on the verge of passing out “sorry, sorry I got excited.”

“Don’t be sorry. You never need to apologize to me.” He said with sudden seriousness. It took me aback a bit, even making my cheeks heat up.

“Are you ever going to tell them? About how you feel?” 

“I want to. Even if it’s just so they could know how amazing they are. But it’s terrifying. I don’t want to mess anything up.”

“That’s really hard.” I directed us to a clearing and laid on the ground. Boq followed suit, our eyes to the bright blue overhead. The wind swept past us, and for a moment the rest of the world fell away. 

“That cloud,” he pointed, “what do you see?”

“A dog. No wait, a girl maybe.”

“I see a scarecrow….and next to him is a lion, with a man- but not a regular man he’s stiff- like he’s made of tin.” 

“How?” I teased shaking him, “how did you unlock such a clear vision? I just see clouds!”

“(Y/N), there’s something I really want to tell you but-“

“Well look at these two lovebirds!” 

I peeked up to see Fiyero, hands on hips, gazing down at us with his perfect face. 

“Hey Fiyero…” Boq sighed, “Wait. What did you call us?!”

“I was just going to my favorite slack off spot only to find it occupied by you two. So, naturally I assumed this was some kind of romantic tryst. And during the school day no less! I must say I’m rather impressed.”

“Move, we want to look at the clouds not you.” I sat up. Boq next to me was clearly a bit frustrated.

“You’d be the first.” Fiyero contested. I mean, he wasn’t wrong, “Well, if this isn’t a date then I guess I’m free to ask (Y/N) on one.”

“WHAT?” Boq and I said in unison. 

Fiyero was nice as a friend, but I would never want to be with someone like him. He just wasn’t serious about anything including me. I had no idea where this was coming from. 

“You, me. Tonight, at the Ozdust.” 

“Well I don’t know what to say really…” 

“Wait!” Boq said way louder than he intended to, based on the growing exasperation on his face. “I want to say something first. (Y/N), I don’t want to freak you out but the person I was talking about earlier was you.  We’ve been friends for a few months now and I always have so much fun when I’m with you. You make everyone around you happier and brighten their lives. I think you’re incredible- but I understand if you just want to be friends. All I want is for you to be happy.” 

“Boq,” I choked, “that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. I would love to go on a date with you, to try things out.” 

“Please say I’m not dreaming.”

“You’re welcome.” Fiyero patted Boq’s head.

“Did-did you ask them out just because you knew I’d intervene?!” Boq stood up glaring at the prince.

“I like helping people. Besides it worked! Not that I wouldn’t want that date if this doesn’t work out…” Fiyero leaned down and kissed my hand, “but I want to see my friends happy.”

“We’re not friends.” Boq corrected. 

Fiyero sauntered off whistling and I was left picking up the pieces of what the hell just happened. 

“Did you really mean what you said?”

“Of course.” Boq blushed.

“Well Woodsman,” I kissed his cheek, “I’ll see you tonight, 7.” 

~ a month or so later

"And then Fiyero asked me out which lead Boq to finally confess!" I recounted my boyfriend Boq and I's coming together for the 100th time. I loved the story.

"Still, nothing is better than Galinda here stopping in the middle of her sentence to tell me that she dreams of me every night and just kept going like nothing happened." Elphaba laughed as her girlfriend lovingly pouted.

"I was covering my bases!" Galinda defended.

"All you had to do was ask and I would have done my Boq magic on you." Fiyero jumped in.

"I would have confessed on my own!" Boq tensed grabbing me tighter. My heart skipped a beat every time he got adorably defensive. Which around Fiyero, was a lot. "Eventually..."

"Please with my sister, it would have taken nothing. She would tell me about how frustratingly lovely Galinda was nearly everyday..." Nessa Rose giggled.

As I looked at my friends around me and my loving boyfriend at my side I sighed. My heart was bursting at the seams. Maybe love wasn't just for other people, maybe love could be found in the most unexpected places and people. Like a way too handsome munchkin boy who was brave enough to spill his guts to me after some clouds in the sky.

[astraariel]

scarlett love

pairing: sanji x fem!reader

summary: you forgot him, chose to let Sanji go, but was that enough? would the universe leave you alone and let you live in peace?

word count: 4.1K

warnings: cursing; spoilers (?) just mention of a character from the whole cake island arc, it’s a modern!au so I don't mention anything about the actual arc!

tags: angst; fluff; hanahaki disease; modern!au; reconciliation; second chances; unrequited turned requited; slight self-hate; happy endings

author’s note: okkkkay here it is. so many of you guys asked for it so here’s pt 2 to eternal snow! I initially wanted to post the mihawk fic first that i'm working on but I can’t finish writing it for the life of me so I decided to work on this one instead lol.

like I mentioned before, this is part 2 to this fic so obvi read that before you read this one!

˚₊‧꒰ა ��� ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

They say people who have the surgery are doomed for life.

How could they choose to never love again; how could they deliberately go through with the surgery knowing they would never have those emotions again?

But in actuality, it was the choice of forgetting about that love. 

People don’t know the grievances and the strength it takes to choose to forget the love of your life. They don’t know the despair of being in love with someone wholeheartedly knowing they don’t love you back.

That you would never remember those emotions for whom you loved. 

You saw it as this: if you couldn’t live to love your person, you wouldn’t bear to love at all.

So in that way, you won.

You gained the power to no longer grieve for your love because you simply couldn’t remember him.

Since hanahaki disease was rare, there weren’t too many recovery patients to base knowledge on since many of the victims chose to die rather than to be saved. 

So you were honestly going in blind.

Nami would sometimes ask you if you could remember anything, a nervous look on her face, you knew she remembered your past love, but the doctor had told her to not mention anything to you in your recovery period. You think she asked out of curiosity.

Or maybe fear?

But every time you’d just tell her that you couldn’t, your head would hurt if you thought too hard and too long about who you had lost.

If you could remember specific memories, they weren't fully visualized, they were static, like when an old TV was out of range from the signal and would struggle to picture the channel.

All you could remember was his silhouette, his figure blurry and his name was always on the tip of your tongue but you could never place your finger on it. 

You remember during your first check-up, the doctor had asked you if you could describe your past love, 

“I'm not sure.” 

Your voice had been wobbly like you were on the verge of crying. Tears had pricked your eyes, along with the feeling of not being able to breathe even though those damn flowers were gone. 

Not being able to understand why?

That feeling went away a week later.

You laugh at yourself now, chiding yourself for being ridiculous back then. 

At what point could you have allowed yourself to be so deeply in love with someone that it was killing you? You could never understand. 

It was an absurd, abysmal idea that you had ever gotten to that point.

While the doctor said the following months would be difficult getting used to your new life of having one less emotion, you were fine.

It had helped that Nami had stayed by your side, and when she couldn’t Sanji would.

Sanji was an angel. 

He tended to your every need, always made sure you didn’t lift a finger even after you told him multiple times you could do it yourself. 

But he always reassured you he didn’t mind.

You were sad to hear that he stopped seeing Pudding. It was honestly too bad because she was good for him, he deserves someone who can love and care for him just as much as he cares for others.

Nevertheless, you were glad he was here for you. 

The sound of music playing softly in the background comforts you as you shuffle through your kitchen making dinner. 

You and Sanji have recently started having weekly dinners with each other, an idea he came up with.

“We can update each other about our lives, good ole fashion face-to-face interaction.” 

“I don’t think my life is going to change too much in the week we don’t see each other, Sanji”

The sound of the door ringing pulls you from your thoughts, drying your hands with a towel, you walk over to the front door.

The cool November breeze greets you as soon as you open the door, Sanji’s figure fills your view. 

The coat he’s wearing to protect himself from the wind encapsulates him in a way that makes you smile instinctively, you can see his red ears peeking from under his blond hair.

“Come in, come in, I was just finishing up dinner.”

“Oh, can I help you with anything else?” he offers while shrugging off his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack beside the front door. “Or are you not allowing me into your kitchen again?” he smirks toward you.

You roll your eyes and scoff, “It’s my turn to make dinner, you cook for a living, it's my time to shine now, dude.” He chuckles and begins to set the table for the two of you. 

The warm food fills the plate in your hand, placing it on the counter, you grab another plate. “So, how’s work?”

Sanji grabs both of the plates and brings them to the table, setting them down, he looks back at you. “Ah, the old man’s got me working late most days.”

You smile softly at the scene; since you can remember you and Sanji have been able to work in tandem. Back when Nami first introduced you, it was like a pull connecting the two of you, also guiding and leading the two of you in perfect harmony.

It was nice.

Finishing your dinner, Sanji grabs his cup, “That was delicious, thank you.” 

“Well I did have a decent teacher,” you say into the glass smiling, gulping down the liquid you set it back down and look at Sanji.

He goes to say something before he’s interrupted by a cough.

Sanji turns his head and coughs into a handkerchief he pulled from his pocket, he quickly wipes his mouth before looking back at you, “Sorry ‘bout that.”

Shaking your head in acknowledgement you begin cleaning up the dinner table. 

“Oh I forgot, I bought flowers, they’re in the living room let me grab them real quick.” Sanji stands quickly.

Turning, you watch him walk away, not catching the lone petal falling out of his pocket.

♡‧₊˚

Vinsmoke Sanji has done a lot of things.

Some of which he regrets, but others he stands by, but there was one that met both criteria.

And that was you.

He was glad he met you, that he was able to spend time being with you, loving you, and knowing that you loved him back.

But he regrets hurting you. He regrets letting himself be temporarily infatuated with Pudding. Sanji had laughed in the face of fate, and in return, he got what he deserved.

His impending end.

The petals had shown up the day you went into the hospital.

While you were given a second chance at life, Sanji had just signed his away. 

He remembers the memory of Nami telling him what had happened. He had it permanently seared into his brain, never allowing himself to forget the moment. 

Her eyes were red, face hot with anger when she pulled up to his house.

“You absolute idiot.” He hadn’t even fully opened the door before she was swearing at him, cursing him to the ends of the earth over what he had done. “You did this. You caused that pain…if I hadn't found her…,” her hands had started punching his chest. 

“She would have been gone, all because of you.”

A part of Sanji died that day. 

So when he got the same disease you had, he knew he deserved it.

Wasn’t it only right that he got the same death sentence that almost took you away?

It was slow at first, from what Nami had told him about your situation, Sanji knew this was how it started. 

The first few weeks were bearable, he could go about his daily life without causing any suspicion. No one would ask if he was okay or anything, just simply being able to cough into a tissue and discard it quickly.

Then the blossoms came.

After one terrible night of constantly coughing up blood and flower blossoms, Sanji did some research. He knew the full blooms were next along with the finishing blow of the roots. It had only been a month since you had your surgery, and yet his hanahaki was a lot more accelerated in comparison to yours.

A month since he had realized he was deathly in love with you.

But he could bear this burden. Who was he to complain about his death trickling closer than it normally should? 

Sanji remembered the moment he realized his disease would finish him more swiftly, that he was faster along than he typically should be; whether it was because the universe knew you could never love him back or it was simply his punishment for what he did.

Probably both.

Even though he knew he could easily fix the problem, he didn't have the right to get a second chance.

How could he? 

How long did you spend hiding your condition away, not even when he had broken things off, before then? How long were you hurting because you knew he was lying when he said he loved you?

The gall he would have to have to go through with the surgery? 

Absolutely not.

But deep in his heart, he also couldn’t bring himself to forget you. He’d rather be a coward and a liar than choose a life undeserving of him.

He would rather die than forget you, to never be able to love you again would be death itself.

He hated himself for what he did to you. The insolence he had to hurt someone as caring as you, why did he take advantage of that?

He himself every day.

If he had to live with constantly coughing up blood and bending over the toilet puking up flower petals just for you to live your life? Yeah, he could do that. He could live with the pain of knowing that you would never love him back.

That you could never love him back.

It quite literally was in human nature that he would never be saved unless he did the surgery, since you couldn’t even love anyone anymore.

Sanji’s hand lifts his handkerchief up to his mouth, his body heaving with a hard cough of petals.

He sighs.

♡‧₊˚

The TV light shines on both you and Sanji’s forms as the movie comes to an end, the ending credits miniaturizing as the screen recommends a shitty Christmas movie that has the both of you turning to the other.

“That was an unnecessarily long movie.” Sanji’s comment makes you laugh.

“Right? God, it was dragging on for a really long time.” Shaking his head he stands up to place the popcorn bucket on the kitchen counter. 

You follow him holding the cups that held lemonade two hours ago. “It’s getting late, I should probably go.”

“Yeah, probably, oh wait-I bought something for you, meant to give it to you when we had dinner at your place but I forgot.” Sanji’s voice trails as he goes off to his bedroom. 

You stand there for a couple of minutes before checking the time, “Yo, Sanji, did’ya get lost?” laughing to yourself, you walk over into the bedroom. Your eyes immediately meet Sanji’s form hunched over on the ground.

A gasp falls from your lips as you rush over to him. “Sanji, oh god, are you okay what’s wrong-”

You cut yourself off when you bend down to look at him, there you see a pool of blood on the hardwood floor, petals scattered around the scene with a full flower bloom sitting in his hands. 

“What?” you can’t breathe.

Sanji says your name but you don’t hear him, your brows knit together as you look up at him. “I don’t understand why are you coughing up petals?”

No? This couldn’t be happening.

Your heart breaks.

Who did Sanji love so dearly that he was cursed with the same disease that had you in its chokehold not long ago? 

You would never wish this on anyone, no one deserved to live through the hurt of having unrequited love.

“You weren’t,” he wipes his mouth, “you weren’t supposed to find out.”

“I don’t-why wouldn't you want to tell me? If anything, I’d be the only person able to understand. Sanji, who is it?” your eyes scan his face. 

Sanji’s ragged breathing fills the air between the two of you. “I can’t.”

You furrow your brows even more, shaking your head. “Please just tell me so I can help-”

“You can’t.”

“What do you mean, I can’t? You’re not making sense.”

Sanji closes his eyes. “It’s you.”

You stop breathing, the figure in your memory rushes to the forefront of your brain like a tsunami. 

In the past the figure was always blurry, never in frame in your mind, only being able to trace his silhouette, but now it was different. 

It was like he was right in front of you like you could smell him, feel his hands in yours, his warmth. Feel his lips against your lips when he-

“It was you.” your voice was quiet, “You were the one I loved.” 

His eyes snap at yours, a gasp falling from his lips.

“The person I loved so deeply… that it caused me so much pain.”

And there it was, the fog had been lifted.

“How could I have forgotten?” How ironic the entire thing was.

“Why would I ever forget about my love for you, Sanji?” you look at him, “What grief did you cause me?”

A tidal wave of emotions, affections, all poured out of your soul and into your memories. The months of coughing up petal after petal till they turned to full flower blooms. The fear that a root would pop up once you pulled your tissue from your face. 

The pain and the hurt that Sanji had caused you. 

The pain of knowing that he didn't love you anymore.

It all came rushing back.

“Why would you keep this from me?” you were getting angry, but was it for the right reason?

Hadn’t you done the same with him? Hadn’t you kept it from all the people you loved as well?

“You know why I went through with the surgery? It wasn’t Nami who made me, well not partially, but why I allowed myself to let her drive me to the hospital was because I didn't want you to suffer.” your eyes were burning, the tears threatening to fall.

“I don't understand?” Of course, he wouldn’t.

“You were obviously unhappy, Sanji. If I removed myself from the equation, it would solve everything and at…at first I thought dying was the solution I really did.” your eyes drop, “And maybe Nami finding me was a saving grace but, I originally wasn't gonna do anything.” 

“Week after week, Sanji, I was drowning. I wanted to yell at anyone who would listen and ask why I couldn't have anything, why couldn’t I be happy? That the universe had some sort of fucking vendetta against me.”

“So I decided to let you go, to choose to live a life of unknown heartache, and when I finally thought I had accomplished that. The universe just spits in my face by cursing you.”

“Don’t you see it? We don’t belong together, Sanji.” The anger was gone now, all that was left was emptiness.“We have the signs, we need to heed them and move on.”

Sanji says your name with a plea, but you ignore him. “Just get the surgery, stop hurting the both of us.” 

“It does us no good if you're dead.” And with that, you walk out of the bedroom and out the front door.

♡‧₊˚

The quiet murmurs of the newscaster talking about the weather for the week could barely be heard from the running water you were using to wash the dishes. 

You haven't seen Sanji in a couple of weeks, not since he announced that you were the one whom he was in love with. 

And definitely not since you remembered he was the one whom you had loved before.

And while at first, you were angry. Angry at him for lying and keeping such vital information from you.

It later turned to guilt. 

Guilt for getting angry at him. Guilt for causing him pain.

But it wasn’t your fault, it’s not like you chose not to love him, you physically couldn’t anymore. You signed that ability off months ago.

But you also missed him. Since you weren’t talking to him, you weren’t having your weekly dinners or your impromptu movie nights anymore.

You missed just talking to him. You missed the lame jokes he’d tell in hopes of hearing your laugh, that smile he’d get whenever he spoke about a new recipe.

You missed him.

But you were also confused.

After he had revealed that he loved you and you had remembered that your past love was him, it became too much for you to handle.

Glancing at the moon, you dry your hands on a towel and walk into the living room. The weatherman was currently informing you of a chance of rain tomorrow during the already cold late January weather.

Sighing you go to sit down before something catches your eyes. A picture frame that hangs on your wall glints as you walk toward it.

It was a photo of you and Sanji looking at the camera with wide smiles on display from Sanji’s birthday two years prior. On top of your heads sat a birthday hat colored blue for the sea theme your friends had thrown together as a joke for the blonde that year.

You remember how you felt that day, the anxiety of wanting to get Sanji the perfect gift and when he finally opened it, he had hugged you which had you blushing like crazy while you swatted his “thank yous” away.

God, where did this deja vu come from?

It was weird, you weren't sure what it was.

It felt like your entire being was full. Full of intense and overwhelming emotions, an emotion you shouldn't feel. An emotion that was eradicated from your life when you stepped out of that hospital.

But here it was, rearing its big ugly face once again.

For Sanji.

You stumble back as if you had been shocked with electricity. 

Looking around your apartment you close your eyes.

How could this happen? Why were you still being punished again?

You had endured the pain, chose to get rid of it and now you’ve been having to live with knowing that Sanji also was experiencing the exact same pain.

Sanji.

How could you have been so cold? Telling him to do the surgery? What was wrong with you?

You missed him. You missed your love for him. The feelings you’d get when he’d look your way. Sanji was your ambrosia and you needed him to survive.

But you didn’t miss how you felt when he chose another over you. Those feelings you wished you hadn’t remembered.

You weren't sure how you were still able to feel Sanji's love. But here you were.

An anomaly that you were. 

Guess that shows how deep your love truly was rooted.

How could you have allowed yourself to forget?

The drive to Sanji’s apartment was quiet, opting to not play music or turn the radio on so that you could think clearly with your new (re) developed emotions.

Pulling up to the driveway, you step out of your car. The jacket you have on trapping your heat from the cold winds of the night. 

The few steps to the front door felt like a lifetime. The moonlight provided a little comfort to your restless self.

Exhaling, you bring your hand to knock at the door, a small part of you hoping Sanji wasn’t home so you could go home and pretend like nothing happened.

The door swings open revealing Sanji. His eyes were wide like he couldn’t believe you were standing in front of him.

“Hey…can I come in?” you look up at him expectantly.

“Yeah, yeah come in.” Sending him a quick smile you walk past him and into the living room. 

He shuts the door and faces you, you turn and finally get a good look at him in the light. 

He looked worse for wear, his eyes had bags under them, a sign he hadn’t been sleeping if at all. Whether that was because of your argument or his condition, you didn't know. One hand was in his pocket and the other was fiddling with his handkerchief. 

“How are you…” signaling your hand at him, “I mean physically, how are you? What stage?”

He looks away, “well…I’m still living,” he chuckles quietly.

You sigh. 

God the two of you were truly messed up.

“It all came back.” 

“What?” he questions.

Your eyes begin to glaze over, “My memories, everything.” you wet your lips, “All of it, Sanji.”

“It just-all came back…on top of our argument, of you telling me you loved me.” Tears fell down your cheeks. “Of how I felt when you were-when you were with Pudding.”

He says your name.

“And I hated it, I hated remembering how I felt, Sanji. I remember pitying myself, wondering what I had done wrong, why you hadn’t loved me anymore,” he says your name again, “but I also remembered how I felt loving you.” you look up at him with your tear-streaked face.

“And I will never regret loving you, not then, definitely not now. I also don’t regret forgetting, because I understand why I did it. I loved you enough to be able to let you go. To be able to know you’ll live your life happily, whether that’s with me or someone else. I didn’t care. Just that you were happy.” 

“But I wasn’t-”

You cut him off, “I knew you didn't love me how I loved you, but I still knew you cared. So if I had died, even from death, I would have hated myself for hurting you. So I chose to forget.” you wipe your cheek, “I just wish you had never gotten that godforsaken thing as well.”

“Sanji I…I love you wholeheartedly. You encompass my entire existence. I live for you. Even now, when I didn't remember how I felt for you. It was there. My love for you was still inside. And it always will be. I think even if you hadn’t told me you loved me now, I would have remembered anyway. Simply because that’s who I am, I am my love for you, you consume my entire soul.” You probably looked like a mess.

“You look beautiful.” Did you say that out loud?

You smile softly, “So when you admitted that you loved me, that I was inadvertently hurting you, I couldn’t take it. I had been the monster I sought to eliminate. So I pushed you away.” you sigh, “I pushed you away because I didn't want to go through the same pain again. I was selfish if you had just done the surgery, I'd be able to forget about this again and you wouldn't even remember.” you walk toward Sanji. “I’ve learned that I can’t run away from you anymore. And I’ve realized that I don’t want to lose you again.” 

“So let me save you.”

Sanji’s face was red, his eyes were blurry with tears, his fist clenching his handkerchief filled with petals and blooms.

“I’m so sorry.” Sanji’s voice trembles, “I am so sorry, I caused you so much pain, if I could take it back I would. And I don’t even deserve you, I’m not worthy of your love, but if you allow me, let me make it up.” 

You close the gap between the two of you and pull his lips toward your own. They’re slightly chapped and both of your guy’s faces are wet but you don’t care. You feel his fingers carding through your hair, pulling you deeper. 

This kiss was different from any others before, this one was filled with desire and want but it was also filled with joy and love.

You were finally happy.

You pull away first, breathing heavily and your face flushed, “You already are.” 

“I love you so much, please never forget.” you wipe a stray tear, cradling his face. 

You want to commit this memory in your brain. No more forgetting, no more letting go. To make sure that for the night, no cough was to be heard, no petal was to be hidden, 

just two lovers finally with one another, forever.

[queenshelby]

Forbidden Desire (Part Three)

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x Reader (Female/Incestuous)

Warnings: Incest (at this stage accidental), Age Gap, PTSD, Domestic Abuse, Self-Harm, Fluff, Mild Smut

Words: 5,456

Summary:

This plays after Grace’s death but before Tommy becomes a politician. Lizzie is pregnant with Tommy’s child, so it is somewhere around season four.

In this fic, Tommy suffers from episodes of PTSD and so does the reader, resulting from trauma and abuse. They will help and save each other without realising that their connection is much stronger than they could have anticipated.

There will be love, fluff and smut as well as a highly taboo relationship.

PLEASE COMMENT AND ENGAGE!

QUESTION: WHO IS TOMMY TO THE READER? WHOOPS!

One week later….

It had taken you some time to work it out. To get your feelings and emotions sorted. To understand yourself and realise what was happening. You were falling in love with a man you barely knew but who made you feel things you never felt before.

You shared a kiss with him. It was your first ever kiss and, much to your surprise, it felt incredible and was indescribable. It was filled with passion, lust and need and you knew that, never before had you felt what you were feeling now. You felt safe, loved and desired.

Any kind of touch from a man before you had associated with something bad, something harmful. You had never been told otherwise as, all you had ever known was exactly that. Harm, pain and suffering, all of which came from physical contact made by one man.

Your stepfather had hit you, groped you and restrained you on many occasions in the past and, whilst he never forced himself on you in a sexual way, there was one occasion where he tried. He got no further than kissing your neck when your mother walked in on you both and you were appalled by men ever since.

But for some reason, with Tommy, it was different. You were not appalled by him in the slightest and often thought about what some of the prostitutes had said about their customers at Madam Juan. Yes, a lot of them enjoyed sex, at least occasionally. You even watched, once or twice but, again, you felt nothing but disgust.

Some of the girls at the brothel had told you a lot about their work and, whilst some clients had hurt them in the past, these women told you that the majority of men were respectful towards them and, with some of them, being intimate was even pleasurable at times.

Pleasure? This was a feeling you never quite understood until now. One of the prostitutes had explained it to you once or twice but, until now, you never felt anything even remotely close to what one might refer to as pleasure. This tingling sensation in your core was what you heard women tell you about when they wanted to have sex with a man and, until now, this all sounded absurd to you. Until now, the sheer thought of sex made you feel ill and disgusted. But now, you knew what it was about. You felt it yourself for a very short moment just as Tommy was kissing you and, whilst it scared you, you couldn’t help but wanting more.

You wanted more of this sensation. This ache. This need. For him. A man you knew almost nothing about.

***

But, over the past week, while working at Shelby Company Limited, you interacted more and more with your new employer and, whilst he acted more reserved towards you when being around other employees as well, you found that you had a lot in common, shared interests and common standards.

Just like you, Tommy loved horses and he took a liking in music and, as the days went by, you became closer and spent even more time together. He told you about his late wife Grace and his son Charlie. He also told you about Lizzie and the fact that she was pregnant with his daughter.

You kissed, occasionally and secretively but these kisses were nothing like your first. He was reserved and this was probably due to the fact that he knew that you were uncomfortable with the concept of physical affection and intimacy. He knew that he needed to be patient with you and give you some time to figure out how far you wanted to go with him.

If you were anyone else, he would have made his move already but, since he liked you in the same way that he liked Grace, he paid much more attention to your needs.

It was obvious to Tommy that you had been hurt before in a serious way and it was also obvious to him who the cause of your pain was. You did not need to spell it out for him. He simply knew and his intuition was right. His investigations had confirmed it and, unbeknownst to you, with the information you had given him over the past week, he was closer and closer to finally finding for the man behind it all. Your stepfather.

But, the problem was that, in Tommy’s mind, this was not just about money for him anymore. It was about vengeance and helping you heal as, the more he was falling for you, the more he was also starting to hate the man who had, until a few years ago, controlled your life.

***

Until now, only Michael knew about Tommy’s motives for employing you and, whilst Polly had her suspicions about Tommy’s feelings towards you, she could not be certain of his intentions until, one morning, she spoke to her son.

“So, who is this woman your cousin has employed without any experience whatsoever?” Polly asked Michael after having kept a close eye on you for the past week. She did not trust you, although she did not exactly dislike you either. “She is not a whore and she is clearly not a spy” she then pointed out with little concern but, when Michael told her who you were related to, Polly’s chin dropped.

“Ah, fuck” she then said before telling Michael that Arthur may be taking a dislike in the fact that Tommy had employed you without running it by him first.

“I am sure Arthur no longer cares mum. Her mother is a woman who never quite took an interest in him” Michael pointed out, having heard the stories from Tommy.

“Well, you see Michael, I am not so sure. Y/N’s mother was Arthur’s first true love and I fear that, if he knows that Y/N is her daughter, he may seek to reconnect with her even in spite of the fact that, just over twenty years ago, she went off with another man who I assume is Y/N’s father” Polly explained calmly before asking a question of relevance to her and possibly even the company.

“Has Tommy taken an emotional or sexual interest in her you think?” she wanted to now, causing Michael to chuckle.

“Yes, I would say that he has. He likes her” Michael admitted and Polly sighed deeply.

“That is what I thought. He looks at her in the same way as he used to look at Grace” Polly pointed out but Michael didn’t consider this to be an issue.

“And why is that a problem? Arthur was in love with her mother, not her” he thus pointed out.

“It is a problem because, when Tommy is in love, he becomes weak and weakness is not something we can afford right now. So, keep an eye on him when I am gone. I will be in the US for two weeks and I need you to make sure that Tommy focuses on business, not her” Polly then pointed out to her son, seeing that Shelby Company Limited had just signed several export deals in the past two months, all of which Tommy had to oversee.

“Also, where the fuck is Lizzie? I haven’t seen her all week and the paperwork is piling up. Y/N can’t do it…” Polly finally went on to say and Michael reminded her that Tommy had given her a week off following yet another fight between them

“A fight about what?” Polly then wanted to know and Michael simply pointed towards you, causing his mother to roll her eyes. It was obvious to her that Lizzie had taken an issue with your presence at Shelby Company Limited and when, later that afternoon, Lizzie barged through the door in anger, the entire office was made aware of the fact that there was some competition going on.

***

“What the fuck is she still doing here?” Lizzie immediately asked Michael with a stern voice but Michael simply shrug his shoulders in an almost futile attempt to ignore her. He turned around, minded his own business and, just as he did, Tommy popped his head through the door of his office.

He knew that he needed to put an end to it, but did not quite know how.

“Lizzie, a word…” he said, asking her to come into his office just as you were about to stand up and do the same.

“What did the doctor say?” he then asked reluctantly while lightening himself a cigarette. Lizzie has had some complications she claimed and Tommy urged her to get checked out even though he believed that it was simply the result of the last fight they had which happened to be about you.

“Everything is fine with the baby. It must have been the stress which caused the contractions prematurely” Lizzie pointed before reaching for one of Tommy’s hands and placing it onto her stomach.

“I have felt a kick today. The very first one” she told him just before Tommy withdrew his hand from her growing bump.

“There is nothing to be stressed about Lizzie” he told her but Lizzie disagreed.

“Thomas…” she said sternly before carrying on. ”I am having a child, on my own, because the man who got me pregnant does not want to be with me. That is fucking stressful” Lizzie then told him, causing Tommy to sigh/

“Lizzie! I gave you options and I bought you a fucking house, didn’t I? Eh? What else do you want?” he asked angrily while Lizzie broke out in tears.

“I don’t want a fucking house Tommy! I want a husband and a father for my child” Lizzie spat before tears tumbled down her face.

“We fucking talked about this…” Tommy said sternly while trying to reach for her hands with one of his and, before he could finish his sentence, Lizzie interrupted him.

“We did and you said that you would be there for us after Ruby is born” Lizzie reminded him, causing Tommy to nod.

“And I will keep my promise to you. I will care for you and I will care for our daughter” Tommy said before telling her once again that he does not and will not love her. “I told you how I feel Lizzie. I told you many times” he reminded her but she did not want to hear it.

“You did, but you also need to be mindful of the upcoming elections” Lizzie then reminded him, seeing that it would not look good for him to have a child outside of marriage, especially not with her, a woman who was known to have worked as a prostitute for many years.  

“And I am fucking mindful, eh. You do not need to remind me” Tommy then spat in response to Lizzie’s suggestion. He knew what was expected of him. Polly had told him many times over, suggesting for him to marry the mother of his unborn child in order to preserve his seemingly perfect image.

“Then what is this whore still doing here Tommy?” Lizzie then asked, angering Tommy even more.

“Careful Lizzie” he cautioned her while withdrawing his hands from hers and reaching for his glass of whiskey instead.

“You are so fucking weak Thomas” Lizzie spat whereas, the truth was, that she knew that he was simply falling in love with you and this worried her. “You employ her and she can’t even fucking read” Lizzie went on to say while, unbeknownst to her, you could hear everything. You were right outside, listening to their argument. “So what the fuck is she doing here? Are you fucking her?” Lizzie then finally asked as, clearly, Tommy was lost for words.

“Enough!” he told her, not wanting to hear anymore nonsense but Lizzie would not let it go.

“Just tell me Thomas. Did you fuck her?” she thus spat again, causing Tommy to shake his head.

“No Lizzie. I did not fuck her, but even if I did, it would be none of your business, eh” he told her. “She is good with numbers, so she is looking after some of the books” he then went on to say just as Lizzie stormed out of the door, running into you, which is also when Tommy realised that you must have heard everything that Lizzie had said to him.

“So she can count, but she can’t fucking read. Isn’t that funny” was the last thing Lizzie said before running into you purposely and then telling you off for standing in her way.

***

Just as Lizzie disappeared, leaving a pleasant scent of perfume behind, you approached Tommy’s desk and placed a bunch of documents on top of the cold cedar.

“Todays’ mail” you said while looking at him with some sadness in your eyes. What Lizzie had said to him about you was hurtful and, even though you knew that you probably should not care, you did.

“Thank you” Tommy said before asking you to sit down but you declined the offer, using work as an excuse which, surprisingly, Tommy did not argue about.

He allowed you to have some space while offering you the opportunity to talk to him about anything that may be on your mind but, what was on your mind was nothing you wanted to discuss.

The truth was that, in light of Lizzie’s comments and remarks, you felt somewhat unworthy. You felt as though you were not good or smart enough and did not quite understand why a man like Thomas Shelby would take an interest in you. You were a petty thief, who could neither read nor write.

You felt as though you were always overlooked; always the second choice – just an option, never a priority, yet it seemed like you had always been watched, judged and compared. You were never good enough at or for anything and there was always someone waiting to let you know what you did wrong and what you could have done better. You were never the best and, no matter what, someone always found a fault in you or your actions and this phenomenon of dislike from another woman was nothing new to you.

But what about Tommy then? Why was he so interested in you? He could have had any woman in the whole of Birmingham but, for some reason, he wanted you.

Was this a game for him? Did it mean anything? You did not know and, at least for now, you did not want to think about it. You simply wanted to better yourself and learn what you needed to learn in order to do well at your first legitimate job. This was your priority and you knew anything else was not as important as your ability to survive comfortably in world as harsh as this.

***

With that in mind, you left the offices of Shelby Company Limited in hurry that night. It was the first day since you started working for Thomas Shelby that you left you on time and without saying goodbye to him, which certainly did not go unnoticed, causing Tommy to follow you.

That night, you went home to your lodging in order to learn how to write and read. You tried to teach yourself these skills after spending your first weeks of wages on utensils, including a book, a pen and some paper.

Unfortunately for you though, learning how to write and read without any help was a terrible idea and you became rather frustrated with yourself as, even your best efforts, were not quite good enough.

You were not getting anywhere with this and unbeknownst to you, you were being watched just as you threw the book and paper into the far corner of the room before curling up on your bed.

You were upset that you could not do better than that and, in the end, you cried yourself to sleep that night. It was too much for you to handle, the pressure of real employment in which you felt as though you were failing.

***

The following morning however, you put on a brave face once again, applied some make up and picked out an outfit you had not worn before. It consisted of a loosely fitting top, tied together with silk and a pencil skirt, matched with a black pair of short heels.  

As usual, you walked to work and, as you did, you covered your arms with a long coat, hiding away your scars and the tattoo covering some of them even in spite of Tommy having told you not to bother. According to him, there was no need for you to cover your arms other than with some nice jewellery perhaps. That was, of course, if you liked jewellery he said which, in itself, was a comment that amused you.

Of course you liked jewellery but, every time you stole something nice, you had to sell it again in order to pay your bills and purchase food. Thus, you had no jewellery. Not even a pair of earrings.  

Minutes later, at around 8 o’clock

“Where is Tommy?” you asked as you walked into the office but, according to Finn, his youngest brother, he had some business to attend to in London that day.

“He won’t be back today” Finn said and you were almost a little disappointed by that since you dressed up so nicely simply to impress him.

Of course, you could not compete with his expensive suits and his shiny watch, but Tommy always complimented you on your style and that, too, you appreciated.

Most of your clothes were stolen which, of course, he knew so, once, he even offered you some money to buy yourself something nice instead of stealing it, but this was on offer you declined.

You wanted to earn your money through an honest day of labour you said and this is when you found out about Tommy’s intention to become an MP for the Labour Part. This, you thought, was ironic considering that he owned the majority of businesses in the area. He was a capitalist, but people believed him nonetheless when he spoke about socialist values in his campaign. He was smart and convincing. People loved him because he went to France, then built up his empire from scratch before giving employment to the poor. Thomas Shelby was too smart for most and this is why he probably should not be with you. You could not compete with his intellect, although you did a good job laundering his money even with the limited writing and reading skills you had.

Later that day, at around 5 o’clock

Then, just as you were pondering on about Tommy and his hidden skills again, you heard his familiar voice behind you, startling you which, too, was talent of his.

“Get your coat Love” he said just as he zoomed by with a cigarette in his mouth.

“Why?” you asked surprised. It was already 5 o’clock and you were about ready to finish up for the day.

“I am taking you somewhere. Come on” Tommy then said with a smile and, just for a moment, you got lost in his deep blue eyes.

“Where are you taking me Mr Shelby?” you asked cheekily as he reached for your hand and dragged you to his car which was a dark grey Bentley.

“You will see” Tommy said and, right after he had helped you into your seat just like a gentleman would, he sat down in the driver’s seat and drove off to a destination unknown.

As you were driving though, you kept on nagging him, wanting to know where he was taking you and, after a while, he gave in.

“To the state library” he said and you pointed out to him that the state library in Birmingham closes at 5 o’clock. It was now almost half past five and there was no way you could still get in there.

“My sister works at the library and I have asked her for the key. She said that I could borrow it, provided that I do not steal anything so, needless to say, the same goes for you, eh” Tommy chuckled and you simply rolled your eyes, thinking that he was trying to insult you.

“You know that I cannot read, so what would I steal, huh? A book?” you asked and Tommy smiled at you once again.

“I know that you cannot Love, but you have been trying to learn, eh?” Tommy then said while gently placing his hand on to yours while you nodded out a quiet and reluctant “yes”.

“I watched you last night as you were trying to read the paper you took from the gambling den” Tommy then admitted as if there was nothing wrong with that but you immediately told him to stop the car and let you out.

“Why?” Tommy asked while pulling over nonetheless. He was confused as to why you were so upset.

“Because you have been spying on me. That is not acceptable Tommy” you spat as soon as the car came to a standstill and Tommy shook his head gently before, slowly, caressing your face.

“I was coming to check on you Love. I was worried about you after what Lizzie had said that day, but…” he said gently but you interrupted him.

“But what?” you asked angrily. “You cannot invade my privacy like that” you then pointed out, causing Tommy to nod.

“I am sorry Love. I was wrong” he admitted in the most tender tone you had ever heard from him and hearing such an admission of wrongdoing from a man like Thomas Shelby was somewhat surprising.

“Just let me help you, eh?” Tommy then said, seeing that you had calmed down and, again, you nodded.

“Why do you do this for me Tommy?” you asked, smitten and he smiled once more.

“I thought that was obvious” he then said before giving you a gentle kiss on the lips. “I like you” he told you before turning away again and putting the vehicle into gear while you were left with an abundance of little butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

Twenty minutes later…

Twenty minutes later and you finally arrived at the state library on the outskirts of Birmingham and, whilst you did not want to admit it to Tommy, this was your very first time in a place like this.

Books among books covered the walls of the library, climbing the two-story-tall to the ceiling. The library was so big that a tree could have easily grown in the middle of it and everything looked like you were in a fairy tale.

The light was dim as it had already started to get dark outside and the fact that you were there, on your own, with Tommy, made this experience so much better.

Having met Ada Shelby on numerous occasions throughout the past week, you were not surprised that she chose to work in a place like this. Unlike Tommy, Polly and Finn, who were the only ones from the Shelby clan you had met thus far, Ada was rather calm and collected.

She suited a place like this well, a sanctuary away from the harsh world, protecting the people from hatred and welcoming them to a world of peace and knowledge.

And that is exactly how you felt now, here, with Tommy. Protected and at ease. You knew that you did not have to be on guard when he accompanied you. You felt safe for once and he clearly knew that as, more suddenly than usual, he took one of your hands into one of his and guided you through this almost sacred place.

“Come on, let’s find a book to read, eh?” Tommy then said before giving you a choice. “What do you feel like?” he then asked while reading from the map afront the large hallway where each genre was divided into separate sections. “We have books on the revolution, oppression, love, adventure and crime” he finally pointed out and, within a blink of an eye, you chose.

“Love” you said, smiling nervously.

“Love, eh?” he chuckled before reaching for a random book on the shelf and then asking you to follow him. This genre was unfamiliar to him so this book was clearly going to be as good as any.  

“Where are going now?” you then wanted to know as he led the way through the very large library.

“Well, since we are reading about love, perhaps we should sit down somewhere more romantic, eh” Tommy then said. He was clearly teasing you but that did not bother you in the slightest.

“I suppose so. You are quite the romantic, Thomas Shelby” you observed with blushing cheeks but Tommy simply broke out in yet another chuckle.

“I have been called many things before Love, but romantic is not one of them” he teased again before, finally, he found a nice desk beneath a large window through which the street lights were shining in.

He pulled a chair out for you from beneath the desk and lid a few candles so that there was enough light for you to read. When he lid the candles, he used the matches he carried with him before returning them into his black suit jacket which, only moments later, he took off.

“Do you always carry a gun?” you asked, seeing that, on top of his white shirt and vest, he wore a black leather gun holster.

“Yes. I like to be prepared” Tommy admitted and you gave him a shy little nod as he sat down right by your side.

“Now, shall we start?” he then asked and you nodded. You were nervous to say the least. You did not want Tommy to see you in a vulnerable state like this and, just as he touched the top of your hand to guide it across the page, you flinched.

“I am sorry” you told him as, again, he had startled you with his touch which he must have realised was a little to abrupt for your liking.

“It’s alright Love” Tommy said before promising you again that he would not hurt you.

“I know you would not. But these are my reflexes. I did not see it coming” you admitted nervously while, once again, Tommy placed his hand on to yours, this time more slowly than before.

“How about this?” he asked as you watched his fingers make contact with the skin on the top of your hand. “Is this better?” Tommy wanted to know and you nodded.

“Good, I will leave my hand there. Now, try again” he instructed and so you did. You kept on reading the words the best you could and Tommy helped you whenever you needed him to.

He sounded out the letters for you and, whilst you were able to make sense of the shorter syllabus, the longer ones took much more effort.

“Very good” Tommy smiled, encouraging you after every half page you read until, eventually, after an hour or so, you needed a break.  

***

“Well, I must say that I did not expect a book written by a woman to be quite as explicit as this” you told Tommy as, even in chapter one of the novel, there was a lot of intimacy going on between the king and his maid in this story.

“Would you prefer to read something else?” he asked, hoping that none of this was making you feel uncomfortable.

“No. I want to read this and find out what happens between them. Will they find eternal love, you think?” you then asked Tommy, causing him to chuckle. The truth was, that he did not care. The book did not interest him in the slightest but your company did. He loved being with you, even if that meant reading novels like this.

“Most fairy tales have a happy ending these days, so I would presume that they will, indeed, end up together” Tommy thus chuckled in response just before you read some more, with which he helped.

***

“The women at Madam Juan used to talk about things like this sometimes and I enjoyed listening to them” you then observed as, finally, you finished chapter one.

“What things?” Tommy asked before closing the book. He knew that you must have had enough reading for one night and thus was eager to engage in a conversation with you instead. He wanted to learn more about you and, maybe, even get closer towards you again.

“Pleasurable things even amongst all of the terrible encounters they had” you responded while Tommy carefully took your hands into his again.

“Y/N, these women offer sex to men for money and I am sure that, at least on occasion, they feel great pleasure while doing it. It is within human nature to enjoy sex. We are meant to feel pleasure” Tommy then told you reluctantly, seeing that your understanding of intimacy was quite different to his.

“Well, I have never felt comfortable with intimacy and, whilst the notion of sex is intriguing for me, the majority of men I have met in the past scare me” you admitted in response to Tommy’s observation, causing him to make another one.

“That, I have realised” Tommy told you just before you cupped his face gently.

“You don’t scare me though” you then told him and he appeared to be very pleased to hear that.

“You know that the men who inflicted pain upon these women at Madam Juan are not the norm and I have made arrangements for them. Their actions will be dealt with. There will be consequences and, I am sure that, one day, there will also be consequences for your step father” Tommy informed you before making another comment. “Engaging in sex should never be a terrible thing even if it is done for money and trusting another person is an integral part of survival. After France, I lost my trust as well Love. I stopped trusting many people, but I have since learned that there are some people who can be trusted” he said and your face suddenly turned so much redder than before. You were amazed by his attitude and pleased by the way he interacted with you. He was so gentle and yet knowledge.

“Tommy?” you thus asked after giving it some more thought and in spite of the fact that you were way too shy to actually complete your sentence.

“Yes, what is it?” he asked while still holding on to your hands gently.

“Do you think that you could kiss me again? Like the other day?” you then stammered and Tommy smiled before, slowly, leaning in and pressing his lips on to yours for a split second.

“Not like that” you then said, almost chasing his lips with yours as he withdrew them from you. You were disappointed and confused and wondered whether he no longer wanted you.

“No?” Tommy asked and it was obvious to you now that he was just teasing you. “Show me how you want me to kiss you then” he then told you while never letting go of your hands as, this time around, your fingers intertwined with his gently.

You then inhaled sharply and slowly leaned in. You closed your eyes and pressed his lips on to his almost as tentatively as he did just seconds ago.

Your kiss was light at first and, after about twenty seconds or so, you built some more confidence as the moment of passion had overcome your senses.

Overwhelmed with need, you pulled Tommy closer towards you as you were nervously exploring his lips, then parting yours slightly, finally allowing your tongues to meet.

It was at this point that Tommy pushed his tongue slightly into your mouth, taking control. The tips of your tongues were moving together slowly now, and he was savouring the taste of your mouth that he had been longing for.

Your tongues were intertwined for what felt like an hour, but your body was still facing forwards like you were frozen in motion. The movement of your tongues increased as you kissed passionately. Every second was exhilarating, and neither of you want this moment to end.

Eventually, after kissing each other so much that your lips had turned red, you moved both of your hands to Tommy’s face and the light touch on his cheeks gave him the confidence to continue. Thus, he pushed his tongue deeper in to your mouth, pushing and pulling, twisting and turning. Your saliva was mixing within each other's mouths and you gently bit Tommy’s lip causing, eliciting an inadvertent groan from him which, in the end, pushed you over the edge of wanting more.

“Tell me Love, what do you feel when we kiss?” Tommy eventually asked just after he pulled away from you in order to catch his breath. His hands were now caressing your face before gently running down the side of your neck.  

“There is a feeling, a tingling sensation, just like the woman in the book describes it. It feels strange but really fucking good” you explained almost desperately, causing Tommy to smile at you again.

“Does it feel like pleasure?” he asked and you nodded.

“Yes. I think it does. It is amazing” you admitted with blushing cheeks just as Tommy placed a strain of hair behind your ear.

“Good. May I kiss you again then?” he asked and you nodded before giving into his onslaught once more but, much to your surprise, his lips did not remain on yours but, instead, slowly moved towards your neck.

“Is this okay Love?” Tommy whispered against your ear while kissing your sensitive skin before gently and teasingly nibbling on it. His lips and teeth were sparking sensations you had never felt before and all you could do was respond with a low whimper.

“Oh god” you moaned as his mouth finally made its way to your cleavage and, when Tommy groaned against your skin, you suddenly moaned loudly.

“You are so fucking perfect” Tommy murmured against your skin as you grabbed hold of his hair, pulling him towards you. Your head was spinning now and, whilst you panicked a little, your mind was consumed with lust and need.

You suddenly wanted to feel his lips everywhere on your body but, just as you whispered the word “more” against his ear, you both heard a loud noise.

“Tommy?” a man said from the far corner of the library and Tommy sighed angrily.

“Fuck” he spat, not wanting to be disturbed but since this was probably important, he quickly pulled away from you and straightened up.

To be continued…

Please comment and engage. I love getting comments and predictions pretty please!

Tommy Shelby Tag List:

@fastfan

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[frogadir]

Genuine question what is it about cos that you love so much, ive been following you for years and i got into 03 lately and i'm interested to hear your perspective

Hello this is the funniest ask I've gotten in a long time so thank you I'm being 100% serious. I got several paragraphs into answering this and then I realized maybe bullet points would be fine because no one wants to read all of that

I am jewish (Very Important Context)

Due to my jewish upbringing and personal experience with spirituality I was primed to see it wherever I looked

I watched/read all three versions fma when I was 13 and became obsessed with edgelord elric due to my #emo #depressed middle schooler sensibilities

But also because he was very jewish to me. the sparknotes on this are: atheism despite having met god. tree of life on his gate of truth. also google jacob wrestling with the angel. That literally happened to edward elric. Also manga hohenheim is arguably jewish that's a different post though.

Edward elric continues to occupy my mind for the next three years

I get more depressed and jewish and also become interested in art from and about ww.i and its aftermath

Now I am age 16 and cos gets recommended to me on youtube. like someone just uploaded the entire movie

That was the one bit of fma I never got around to so I was like okay let's check it out

I watch a movie that feels like it was created in a lab to cause as much psychological damage to me as possible

I hate it but I'm 16 and obsessed with how depressed and gay edward elric looked in it and I think to myself I have to look like him and this influences the way I dress and wear my hair from that moment on

Wait edward elric (jewish) was fighting nazis (real) ???

I watch it again

Edward elric (jewish) went to weimar germany (real) in 1923 and stopped the na.zis (real) from invading the parallel world he's from on the night of a (real) (historical) failed na.zi uprising. He stays in our (real) world and it is implied he continues to not only fight na.zis (real) but advocate against the use of nuclear weapons (real)

So absurd I can't stop thinking about it

Seven years later here we are

If you asked me if I thought it was a good movie I wouldn't even be able to give you a straight answer like from a technical standpoint yes the animation is great the music is great… however there is more to a movie than just pictures and sounds… the pictures and sounds come together to tell a story… and the story here is. Well their hearts were in the right place. I think. I think it's got a generally anti-na.zi message but on a first watch it was definitely strange to see that element mixed with a fictional world in the way that it was. I hate that they tried to make us feel bad for alfons he knew what he was doing idgaf that he just wanted to build rockets 🥺 Having the roma character secretly work with the na.zis was. hmm idk about that. but holy shit am I glad they used the word roma. Making bradley's real-world doppleganger not only be jewish but a Real Life jewish man was also a choice! One thing I actually find interesting that a lot of people hate is that they made doppleganger hughes a na.zi... like in 03 they do say that those who benefit from violence and refuse to oppose it are complicit in it... dude was Just Following Orders as a soldier in a genocidal military like him being a real life na.zi makes more sense than a lot of things in cos 😭

Is there anything else I should add. The theme of dreams vs reality and what that has to do with ed's emotional journey is interesting. Winry looked awesome too. Love how al becomes ed and ed becomes their mother. Hohenheim envy chew toy was funny. I like when ed crashes the car. I like the scene where it's implied he drank himself to sleep. Lost heaven is a great song.

So like... I wouldn't say that I "love" cos... but there are many things about it that are so fascinating to me I can't look away... it's certainly provided me with a lot of entertainment... and cos ed is peak... I hope this answers your question 😭

[skylarsin7]

Chapter 22: At the Crossroads

Lily knew that this trip had been a stupid idea. She had argued with herself enough over the entire trip that her head was pounding. Yet, she was here. At least she was fulfilling the promise she made to Eddie. This would be the last she would ever see of her father’s grave, and the town that had been her home for nearly eighteen years. She wondered briefly if Steve had received her note yet, and how furious he would be when she returned. Because regardless of what awaited her, she would return. Hawkins had become her home, and she had to pitch in and defend it while she still could. Vecna had told her that the longer she stayed out of the Upside Down, the sicker she would become. So she had to act now. She glanced at her reflection in the rearview mirror. Dark circles stood out like vivid bruises on her glaringly pale skin. Her face was gaunt, her eyes sunken and lackluster. She looked for all the world like a terminal cancer patient who was rapidly losing the fight.

She sat in the parking lot for a long time. The sun had risen hours ago, and the light of it was glinting off the dew that still lingered on the grass. She hated this place. Hated that this would be her final farewell to the man that had been her rock for so many years. She wondered if he was looking down on her now, and if he would be proud of her. Proud of the woman who was about to risk it all for the people she loved.

She forced herself from the warmth of Steve’s car, her heart clenching as the all too familiar lawn of the cemetery came into view. She shivered, the chill of spring not yet giving way to summer. Goosebumps pebbled her flesh and she could feel the beginning tingles she was certain would manifest into a splendid nosebleed. She shook off the sensation and trudged up the nearest hill. Her father’s grave was nestled under a beautiful red oak, its leaves still vibrant green swaying serenely as the breeze blew through them. Lily closed her eyes as she approached, concentrating on the sound, loving how, for a moment, she could almost hear her father’s laughter through the branches. 

She stopped as the ground leveled out, indicating that she had reached the vicinity of the gravestone. She hesitated a moment, then opened her eyes. Surprise flooded her. Nestled next to the stone that bore her father’s name was a slightly smaller, polished one that bore her own. Unexpected tears welled in her eyes, blurring her vision. A set of delicate angel wings decorated the crown of the stone. She hadn’t expected this. Surely her step loser would be pushing her mother to forget that she even had a daughter. He had been embarrassed in Hawkins and that was something she knew he would not let go of easily. Fear lanced through her.  It hadn’t occurred to her in her state of grief that because of that embarrassment, her mother might suffer now. She shoved the fear away. Her mother had made the choice to marry him. It wasn’t Lily’s fault that he was an abusive ass. Maybe now Elizabeth would see that everything Dustin told her was true. She squared her shoulders, taking a deep breath to center herself.

“Hello Dad, I know it’s been a long time. I’m sorry that I haven’t been to see you in a while. A lot has happened lately. I…got married and became a widow, pretty much in the same day.” She almost laughed at how absurd it was to say out loud. She was a widow. At eighteen. “Now I understand the grief mom went through when she lost you.” She paused, taking several more breaths before she could speak again. “You would have liked him dad. He was a bit eccentric and a little weird, but he was passionate about music and absolutely obsessed with fantasy and D&D.” Her voice broke and she fell silent, unable to stop the tidal wave of emotions that welled in her chest. “You’ve probably met him already. Us metalheads have to stick together, right? If you do meet him, tell him I love him? And that I miss him. So much it hurts.” She fell silent again, clutching the front of her hoodie, almost as if she held on tight enough, she could somehow push the jagged pieces of her heart back together. A single silvery tear slipped free of her control. 

A cough sounded behind her and she whirled, a barely audible growl on her lips. The owner of the cough stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes, the color of a summer’s sky widening as she saw Lily. For several moments, neither of them could move. They could barely breathe as they stared one another down. Her mother’s blonde hair seemed dull and straw-like as the wind ruffled it, and even at a distance, Lily could see that she was sporting the same dark circles that ringed her own face. 

“Who are you?” Her mother’s voice was hoarse, strained as if she fought to keep it level. As if volatile emotions struggled to break free of her control. Lily could relate and hesitated for a moment. “A fellow mourner.” She answered simply. Her mother drew closer, her fair eyebrows knitting together in a frown that nearly made Lily cry with its familiarity. On reflex, Lily stiffened a little, steeling her heart against the rejection, anger, or disbelief that was sure to come, her own emotions running the gambit between anger, sorrow, and downright pity. But it was not pity for the woman standing before her. It was a deep rooted pity for the woman she once was, a mother Lily would have been devastated for the loss of. But she hadn’t been that woman for years now. What hurt now was the cold indifference encasing Lily’s heart. 

“What are you doing here?” Her mother’s voice was not as gruff this time, but curious now as she drew closer still. They were barely six feet apart now. Lily shrugged, going for nonchalance. “I’m not rightly sure. I felt drawn to this place.” She cocked her head as if in contemplation. “Are you alright? You look like you have seen a ghost.” Her mother hesitated, shifting her weight uncomfortably. “I thought I had. You bear a striking resemblance to someone I lost. My daughter. For just a moment, I thought you might be my Lily-bug, come back to me.” 

Lily’s heart clenched at the use of her nickname and she was having a hard time distancing herself from her emotions. It was painful to see her like this. Despite the years her abuse fell on deaf ears, and how her mother had turned a blind eye, Elizabeth Ramsey was still her mother. Since she couldn’t trust her emotions, she forced herself to remain silent. 

Elizabeth turned away slightly, towards the gravestone that bore Lily’s name. “If she were here I would have so many things to tell her. So many things to atone for. I would tell her how sorry I am. I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I couldn’t see that she was suffering through it as well. Yes, I had lost my husband, but she had lost her father as well. I would tell her that the man that abused her was no longer in my life.” Lily had to glance away to keep her surprise from being obvious. Her mother had divorced Arland? “I married him so quickly after I lost my first husband because he gave me a false sense of comfort. I was too blind to see what he was doing behind my back to my Lily. If I had been more attentive, maybe she wouldn’t have…” Elizabeth cut off as a sob tore from her throat. It took all of Lily’s self control not to reach for her. 

“Sometimes, our grief can swallow us whole and we do things that make us seem cruel to those around us. It makes us blind to the needs of others, as our own needs seem so monumentally unattainable. I lost my own husband last week so I know how you feel. He was killed right in front of me.” The words left her before she could recall them. Her mother let out a tiny gasp. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I must seem so selfish, standing here rambling on when your grief is so new. How long were you married?” She asked. Lily sighed. “Less than a day.” Her mother reached for her, but stopped short and let her hands drop. “I am so very sorry. Losing a loved one so soon after vowing to spend forever with them. I can’t imagine.” She shivered violently and coughed, clearing her throat. “Sorry, I know all this seems deeply personal. I don’t know why, but I feel comfortable talking to you. So, thank you Mrs…” She trailed off, a question hanging in the silence.

Lily smiled. “Munson. Aezadora Munson. Most people call me Aeza or Aez.” Her mother reached out again and this time, Lily didn’t hesitate in grasping it. She was shocked anew by how pale and bony her hand looked cradled in her mother’s. Elizabeth didn’t seem to notice. “Pleasure to meet you Aeza. And thank you for listening.”

Her mother turned away from her and Lily had to once again school herself into stillness. Elizabeth seemed so small and frail now, not like the strong woman Lily had looked up to for most of her life. Lily’s heart felt as if a wire were wrapped around it, growing tighter and tighter with every step her mother took away from her. Despite the pain in her chest, Lily took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Mom. But it’s better this way. Better you believe I am already dead than having to mourn me twice.” Lily shoved her hands deep in her pockets, staring down at her father’s gravestone. 

Elizabeth’s heart, despite the losses of both her husband and daughter, was the lightest it had been in over three years. Somehow, talking to Aezadora seemed to take the weight of guilt off her chest. It was as if her Lily had been with her, smiling at her in the face of a stranger. Aezadora. What a unique name. Odd to be sure, but lyrically unique. Almost whimsical. Familiarity slammed into her like a truck, pulling her up short. Suddenly she was no longer in the cemetery, her memories having pulled her into the basement of her home. 

She remembered the morning she had discovered Lily's disappearance. It had been a Saturday morning and Lily had not been in her bed when Elizabeth had come knocking. Had it really only been a few weeks ago? It felt like a lifetime.

Arland had been furious, ranting and raving around the house about Elizabeth's wild and godless hellspawn of a daughter. Elizabeth would have been ashamed to admit later that her first thought had not been for the safety of her child, but what the other Elders would say when they found out that Lily had stolen her mother's wallet and her car, disappearing into the night. Arland had insisted on calling the police and reporting the theft of the car more so than the fact that their daughter was missing as well. 

The first twenty-four hours had been a roller coaster of emotions. Grief, worry, and anger had warred in her heart. Then the first possible lead. Hawkins, Indiana. Why on earth her daughter had fled to Indiana was anyone's guess, but their car had turned up there. But no Lily. The anger grew into mind-numbing worry as memories of her first husband’s death had surfaced then. She had been unable to save the love of her life, and now she had lost her only child. Arland had fixated on catching Lily, not to bring his wife's child home safely, but to make an example of her. Elizabeth had begun to see the darkness behind his eyes and had wondered just how blind she had really been. 

She had hoped that upon arriving in Hawkins, she would be reunited with Lily. Only to find the town in ruins. Only to be informed that her daughter had perished with countless others in an earthquake that had ripped Hawkins apart. Her grief had been swift and immeasurable. She remembered the boy they had met at the school, limping and dirty, his brown eyes bright and full of fury. He had known Lily, and had been with her when she died. His words burned her, even now. Arland had not denied the abuse. Had simply told her that the Elders would be notified and that they would go about their lives as if they had never had a daughter. Elizabeth had made up her mind at that moment and divorced him, kicking him and his abusive, gaslighting, perfectionist nature to the curb.

It was days before she could venture into Lily's room. It was as if the room itself was a vacuum and had sucked all the air from her lungs. When she could stand it no longer, she explored the rest of the house, going about the motions of tidying. She then found herself in the basement, where she had banished Martin's things so they didn't have the power to bring up painful memories. She found Martin's old frequency rig he had used in college to tap into their local radio stations. It seemed Lily had been as adept with the contraption as her father. Somehow, that thought had made her smile through her tears. She found shelves of books, their spines pale with having been well read and loved. Tolkien seemed to have been a favorite, for the spine barely held together as Elizabeth had leafed through it. One spine caught her attention and held. This one was new, barely touched. A Bible. Elizabeth remembered frowning. Lily had detested the scripture, so why…

She had pulled the tome from its shelf, both surprised and a little impressed to find that it was not, in fact, a bible, but a clever disguise to a notebook containing what looked like Dungeons and Dragons stats. She was no stranger to the game. Martin had been a DM as well as a player for years, beginning long before he had even met Elizabeth. Like father, like daughter. It was this memory that held her captive now. The name on the sheet. Aezadora. She remembered it because it had a very Elvin ring to it, a very Lord of the Rings feel to it. And this stranger….

Elizabeth whirled, her blue eyes frantically scanning the cemetery. Disappointment bloomed in her chest when she found it empty. 

Lily ducked behind a tree, panting hard from her hasty retreat. She had noticed the moment her mother had stiffened, and not knowing what had caused it, had used a nearby tree to hide behind. "Sorry mom, I hope one day you can forgive me. Because I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. I hope one day you can look back with pride that I was your daughter." She whispered. Tears stung her vision and she didn't even bother trying to stop them. Her breath hitched and she let out a rattling cough, one so violent it doubled her over. She muffled the sound with her hands and when she pulled them away, they were smeared crimson. She shuddered, her heart pounding. Her illness was progressing. Fast. She had to move, get back to Hawkins before she would no longer be able to. Just one last thing she had to do here first. 

***

She waited until the sun had sunk completely below the horizon before making her way to the house the Ramsey family had occupied. From what her mother had told her, she had kicked Arland out, so in theory, Elizabeth would be alone. Lily parked Steve’s car in the empty lot at the corner of the cul-de-sac, pulling her hood up over her head and cinching it tight. She couldn’t risk anyone recognizing her in case she was seen. She paused as she reached the pale monolith that had been her prison. The place was dark, silent. It felt strange. Only a few weeks ago this place had been her ‘home’, but now she felt like a stranger. 

She approached the front door carefully, lifting the tiny marigold pot by the window. A small brass key caught the light of the street lamp and Lily couldn’t help but smile. Some things never changed. At least she wouldn’t have to break in. She opened the door slowly, taking a glance around before stepping inside. The living room was much the same as she had left it, but there were a few notable changes. Spaces on the walls where photos that had included Arland were missing. She paused, her eyes drawn to the space over the fireplace. Unexpected tears welled in her eyes, burning as they streaked down her face. Gone was the severe white clad photo of Elizabeth’s and Arland’s wedding. In its place was a photo of her, her mom and dad. She had frosting on her upper lip. Her mother was smiling, and her father’s face was almost purple with his laughter. She remembered this picture vividly. It had been a sunny day in the summer when Lily was fourteen, a day they had all played hookie and spent the day in the park. The sky had been a clear blue, with fluffy clouds that occasionally provided shade. They had had a picnic, hoagie sandwiches and whoopie pies for dessert. Lily remembered lying down on her back, the remnants of a whoopie pie still on her face. Her mother had flopped down beside her, her long blonde hair fanned out like a curtain of spun gold. Her father had completed the circle with his own wild curls of rich auburn, and had snapped the picture as he held the camera above them. 

Lily pulled back from the memory. She swallowed hard as she forced her emotions down. She had a job to do and wouldn’t risk lingering too long. She climbed the stairs to her bedroom, pausing for a moment at the top of the landing. The door to her mother’s room was open, and Lily couldn’t stop herself from crossing the narrow hallway and peering inside. Her mother was curled on her side, and from the deep, even rhythm of her breath, was sound asleep. Lily sighed. She hoped that one day, her mother would be able to smile at the memories and not feel like her heart was being ripped out of her chest.

She stepped back from the doorway carefully, crossing the hall again, this time, for her own room. The familiar sights of her sanctuary nearly drove her to her knees. She took a deep breath, her muscles relaxing in increments. The bed was made, and the room had none of the signs of haste that had claimed her that night that felt so long ago now. So much had happened that it felt like another lifetime. She crouched, her joints creaking in protest. She ignored it, carefully wedging her nails beneath the loose floorboard and pulling it up slowly. To her relief, it made no sound. Setting it aside, she pulled the small wooden box from its hiding place. Opening the lid, she stifled a sob. Her treasures caught the light and winked back at her. All her father’s band pins, his wedding ring, the book of letters, and the cassette tape were all on top, and as much as it hurt to see them, it was as if she were among old friends. 

She stood, setting the box on the bed and crossing over to her dresser. In her jewelry box, she found a plain silver chain, and returning to the bed, she threaded her father’s wedding band onto it before clasping it around her neck. It was cool against her skin, its weight a welcome one against her chest. She smiled. It felt right wearing it. Her fingers brushed over the pins, but she left them, reaching instead for the cassette and the book of letters. She held them close, breathing through tears that threatened to drown her. She placed the cassette back, closing the lid to the box and placing it back in its hiding spot. She stuffed the book of letters into her hoodie, unable to stop herself. Despite the fact that she was surely hurtling towards her doom, she couldn’t leave the words her father had written to her behind. And as desperately as she wished to hear his voice again, she couldn’t deny her mother the opportunity.

Smiling through her tears, she didn’t replace the board perfectly, leaving a tiny gap that would creak when stepped on. Her mother deserved this closure as well. To have some part of her husband and daughter back. 

She rose, tiptoeing back down the stairs and out into the waiting night. She took one last look at the house before climbing back into Steve’s car. “Goodbye mom. I hope one day you will be happy again.” She let the tears break free of her control, streaming down her face as she pulled out of the cul-de-sac, and for the last time, let the town of Philly grow smaller and smaller in her rearview, until it disappeared all together. 

***

It took considerably longer for her to return to Hawkins the second go around. She had to stop multiple times as dizzy spells plagued her, and nausea was a near constant companion. Her stomach ached with the dry heaves that refused to abate completely, and her throat was dry and burning from the bile. She was even paler than before, exhausted, and shivering with fever. She didn’t know what possessed her, but she found herself turning down the familiar road that led to Eddie’s trailer. The sun had already begun to set, casting the eerily silent trailers in shades of orange and gold. It would have been pretty, save for the crimson glow that split the park like a scar. 

She stood before the ruined trailer, amazed the place wasn’t crawling with monsters already. The scent of damp and death hung like a miasma around her, choking the air from her lungs. Half the trailer was an open maw, and this close to the fissure, Lily felt instantly sick to her stomach. But the lack of activity unnerved her even more. It was as if Vecna was deliberately waiting on her to launch his attack. That thought was nearly a growl. “Arrogant son of a bitch.” She murmured. “Anyone I know?” Wayne’s voice was tired, and his joke felt thin as a result. She turned and flew into the weathered man’s arms. He seemed so much thinner since the last time she saw him. Had it only been a few days ago?

Wayne pulled her close, as if her presence was a balm to his shredded heart. She knew exactly how that felt. “What brings you here?” He asked quietly, releasing her. Her eyes met his, and it was all she could do to keep her tears in check. His blue eyes shone with concern as he took in her face. “Are you alright, you look pale as a ghost.” He brushed away a tear that had slipped past her control. She managed a smile. “I’ll be fine. Just haven’t been eating much.” She nearly choked on the lie as it stuck in her throat. But she coughed to clear it. “I came to say goodbye. And to give you this.” She took her wedding ring out of her pocket, its black stone glittering ominously as she set it in his hand. His brows knitted together in confusion. “But this is yours…he…” He cut off and swallowed hard. Lily understood. Eddie had been more of a son than a nephew to him, and even in her anger, she knew he had done what he felt was right. “I know…but where I am going, I won’t be needing it. I want…no, I need you to keep it safe for me.” She told him gently. Wayne’s tired eyes met hers once more. “Where are you going?” He asked warily.” Lily’s gaze hardened. “I’m going to make a deal with the devil.” 

Wayne stared at her for a long time. “No.” Was all he said. Lily forced her eyes to soften. “It’s the only way I know how to save everyone and protect Hawkins. I need you to trust me on this.” Wayne reached for her, pulling her back into his arms. “I do trust you Lily. You’re my daughter. No matter how brief your marriage to my boy was. But I cannot stand by to watch you do this to yourself. I can’t lose you too.” Lily pulled away, offering him a sad smile. “Eddie sacrificed himself to save this town and the people he loved. How can his widow do anything less?” 

He eyed her with grief written on his every feature, but slowly, his hand closed over the ring and he tucked it in his jacket pocket. “I will keep it safe for you. But you have to promise me that you will return to get it back.” She reached for him again, hugging him tightly, fighting back the torrent of her tears. Her father would have loved Uncle Wayne. They would have been fast and great friends. Reluctantly, she released him. “I know this may seem odd, but…” She broke off, unsure of the words. “May I…may I see his room?” As soon as the request was made, her heart yearned for it, longed to see the place her beloved had spent his evenings and his nights talking with her. See the place that was so inherently Eddie’s. Wayne nodded. “Be careful.” He said as he stepped back, a soft cough was the only indication that the air was getting to him too.

Lily approached the trailer carefully, holding her breath as she tugged open the mangled door, skirting the pulsing gate and doing her best to avoid the writhing vines. The rest of the trailer looked identical to its twin that resided beneath her feet. At least, it did for now. She made her way to the back of the trailer, past another two doorways across from one another. These had to be the bathroom and Wayne’s room. A force she couldn’t fight pulled her even deeper into the trailer, into a room that had her nearly falling to her knees as she entered it. Everything about this room screamed Eddie. Posters covered the walls in carefully thought out patterns, and clothes littered the floor. The Warlock hung in its place of honor over his mirror. Her heart clenched as she could see the first tendrils of vines snaking their way towards Eddie’s first love.

 An assortment of coins and an ashtray of cigarette butts overflowed the nightstand, and an old, worn copy of “The Hobbit” lay with curling pages next to his pillow. She sank onto the bed, picking up the pillow and bringing it to her face, inhaling deeply. Pain exploded along her senses. The scents of shampoo and cigarettes clung to the fabric along with the faint scent of cedar and sandalwood. If she let her mind wander, she could almost believe she had buried her nose in his soft hair, and the warm closeness of the room could have been his arms around her. Despite the hurt she felt in her heart, she couldn’t deny that she still loved him. She always would, no matter what. “Forever Yours, Faithfully.” She whispered. She buried her face deeply into the pillow, clinging to it as tears spilled down her cheeks, soaking into the fabric in ever-widening circles. “I’m so sorry…” She murmured, sniffing. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you…” As her sobs slowed, she lowered the pillow to the bed. It was all she could do not to curl up on the bed and let the world slip away. 

A white shirt hung over his closet caught her attention, and she rose. It was a Hellfire shirt, still stark and crisp as if it had never been worn. The logo on the front was only half finished, the eyes and ears that were meant to be yellow were still white and the dice to either side were just black outlines. The Hellfire Club name was also just an outline as well as the flame above the letter “I”.  It looked much too small for Eddie. She took it down from the hook, her fingers brushing fabric paint on the back. She turned it over, another wave of grief plundering her control.

Aezadora

Shieldmaiden of the Stars

He had been making her a shirt. Her very own Hellfire shirt. This one was unique, as the others had not had their name inscribed on the back. And now, he would never have the chance to give it to her. How cruel fate was. It almost seemed fitting that the shirt was incomplete, just like her. She took the shirt of the hanger, draping it over her arm as she made her way to the Warlock. “Hello, dear friend…” She croaked, taking the guitar from its hook. “Your place is not to rot here. Come, I will keep you safe.” She hooked the guitar strap over her shoulder to drape the instrument across her chest. Her fingers hovered over the strings, warmth rippling through her as if an invisible hand laid over them, poised to play. That warmth surged through her and a faint smile curved her lips. “Don’t worry, my love, I will keep her for you.” 

She was about to turn away when another flash of white caught her attention. On the dresser beneath the mirror was a small glass dish, filled to the brim with odds and ends, and even a few rogue cigarette butts. Atop this pile was a set of tickets, still pristine and uncreased. 

Sunshine Promotions Presents: 

THE ULTIMATE SIN TOUR

Featuring:

OZZY OZBOURNE

with Special Guest:

METALLICA

Tuesday, April 8th, 1986

7:30 PM

MARKET SQUARE ARENA

Indianapolis, Indiana

$14.50 ADVANCE………$15.50 DAY OF SHOW

Tickets available at the MSA Box Office and ALL TICKETMASTER Outlets

Including Karma Records & Brock’s Dept. Stores

She swallowed hard as grief threatened her again. She picked them up, smiling ever so softly through her tears. It amazed her that she even still had any to cry at this point. “You would have loved this.” She murmured. She tucked the tickets in her pocket and took one last glance around the room. She blew a kiss to the space Eddie had called home, as if kissing him one final time in goodbye. She doubted she would ever see the place again.

Wayne stood where she had left him. This surprised her. She would have thought the stench of death and decay would eventually drive him away. “I see you have his Warlock. I was going to go retrieve it myself.” Her father in law grunted as tears turned his blue eyes to glass. Lily unlooped the strap and handed Wayne the guitar. “I have retrieved it for you. Keep her safe. Oh, and here…” She handed him the tickets as well. “Go to this. I’m sure one of these tickets is yours anyway, and he can still see it through your eyes.” Wayne shook as sobs tore through him, shaking his head violently. Besides, She added in the privacy of her mind, if you are Indianapolis, I won’t have to worry about you being killed in the crossfire. “I…can’t…” He croaked. Lily pressed her palm against his chest over his heart. “He is still with us, though we cannot see him. He is here. Always here.” She didn’t know where the words came from, but they rang with truth in her chest. He gripped her hand, his fingers shaking around hers. She could see him mustering up every bit of his strength as he squared his shoulders. “I will then. For him.” He managed. She hugged him one final time, gripping him as tightly as she could, as if she could somehow squeeze the broken pieces of his heart back together. But as she pulled away from him, she knew that was impossible. Nothing, not even time, could heal a heart broken so completely. They would both bear scars for the rest of their lives. Scars so deep that it was likely that they would never recover from them. She squared her own shoulders and stepped back from Eddie’s uncle. Clearing her throat, she turned and disappeared into the growing darkness, the faint crimson glow of the gate at her back, on her way to the crossroads to make a deal with the devil.

[phagechildon]

Song of Our Soul - Part 1

Modern Wangxian reincarnation soulmate au where both hear a song in their dreams, a song so familiar yet so foreign. They catch glimpses of each other in their dreams, and hear their voices, but when they wake up, all they remember is the melody and the other’s faint emotions. Angst with a happy ending. TW: mentions of violence, child abuse, abandonment, suicidal thoughts, etc. Will add more One of my many AU ideas XD Decided to upload what I have so far since I’ll be gone most of the weekend. It’s not much, but hope you enjoy~ Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |  ----

“Have you listened to it yet?”

“To what?”

“To the top song on Spotify right now!”

The whole classroom was in a buzz, and it wasn’t too hard to guess why. Overnight, an account with only six followers suddenly jumped to over ten thousand after releasing a new hit song. No matter how many times you listened to it, new emotions and memories were evoked and preyed upon.

The most confounding thing of all was that the masterpiece had no name. 

“I heard Chenqing is just some famous artist's side account where they drop their rejected songs.”

“There’s no way they rejected Untitled!”

“Well I heard he’s just a copycat that steals other people’s songs!”

The comment made the only silent one in the room clench his fists, feeling more unsettled by the minute. Unlike everyone else, he knew for a fact that he’s heard that song before. Not on a radio station, the internet, or played live. No. Though it sounded absolutely insane, he’s heard it in his dreams his whole life. It’s the very reason he pursued a career in music while also following in his family’s footsteps, training the country’s special forces in the art of lost martial arts. 

Lan Zhan couldn’t remember when he first started to hear the song, only that it was fairly early on. With that song sometimes came a voice, muffled and far away, but their laugh whistled and stayed. There were times where that voice was muted, the atmosphere gloomy and tense. He felt compelled to call out to them, to ask what was wrong, but the clouds always dissipated, the sun practically shining through. 

A year ago, his dreams started to change. That melody he dare not play for others played fiercer, and the voice he’d hear every now and then started to get more frequent and louder. At one point, both were like a violent maelstrom that raged with no end in sight, that voice’s call to him becoming slurs and grunts of pain. In this dream, Lan Zhan could feel phantom touches of pain, somehow knowing it didn’t even come close to the torture the song of his soul was in. 

“-Zhan, Lan Zhan…” they’d weep quietly. No matter how hard he tried to pursue the one that haunted him, to save him from whatever torment he faced, he’d only manage to find a hand pressed to the ground covered by pure white mist before a strong wind burst forth and sweep them away. 

After many months passed, the voice that called out to him became silent, as if losing faith in the world. Every night he could feel them just behind the thick white fog, see the end of a long red ribbon, and feel how utterly broken they were. Drowned and empty, lost and uncaring. 

While asleep, he knew the other’s name. Upon waking up, the only thing he remembered was the song, the red ribbon, and the crushing weight of the other’s soul nearly snuffed out. 

“... I’m not worth saving.”

The only other person who knew this song was the one from his dreams - the one he desperately wanted to hold close and shield from the world. An absolute absurd idea, considering he hated the thought of physical touch, even an accidental brush in hallways. Something was different about the soul in his dreams though. He didn’t know his name, let alone what he looked like, yet his arms and heart ached the longer he went without the other resting against him. 

After hearing the song around four in the morning, he almost didn’t go to school. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to click and listen in the first place, but when he did, he felt tears fall past his stone cold cheeks. 

While others felt different emotions each time they listened, Lan Zhan only felt one thing: desperation. This was his soul’s last attempt to reach out to the world before it was snuffed out. 

‘I can’t do this anymore. Find me. Please find me.’ 

No amount of research helped him figure out the identity of the artist. The username wasn’t reused anywhere else, however the profile picture, which was a distinct image of a lotus pod, helped him find a barely used Tumblr page after reverse image searching it. 

‘Subian’ was the username, and the only description was ‘there’s music in my soul.’

Browsing through the blog, Lan Zhan did learn a few things. His music loved nature, focusing on large lakes and forests. There were many memes and puns littering his reblogs too, along with funny cat videos and of kids being ‘stupid.’ 

He did find a few clues. There was one post where he ranted about how trashed and disgusting one of the train stations two cities away have been lately. Then another of him holding a large cup of blended coffee with hearts all around it. 

“The spicy mango sriracha coffee is simply delicious!” The caption said, then, he wrote even more in the tags: ‘okay not the best but I like people who dare be adventurous when it comes to spice.’ ‘I’m gonna get spicy ramen after this.’

Upon looking up the mentioned train station, he found at least five coffee shops nearby that like to do odd seasonal drinks such as the one he posted. Next, he looked up ramen shops. Unfortunately, there were far too many to even try to narrow down his music’s location.   

Those were the only clues he had to go on, which is why he forced himself to school, hoping he’d hear someone who knew a little more.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

examining the threads of a karmic loop

sometimes when I'm lucky

I get into just the right place of mind

where I can bring all the different colors of my emotion

to my own personal mental loom and see where

they connect and interact and from a pattern

and then I get to decide if I want to continue that pattern

for sometimes a pattern is a beautiful thing

that should repeat throughout seasons and time

and sometimes you have to look at the cycle

laugh at the absurdity of the design

and figure out where you want to

take the scissors you have painted like a bird

and peck at it mercilessly until it looks the way you want

any look at a nest shows how important

aesthetics can be those birds who weave

today I was talking to the father of my oldest two

his sense of control is mostly navigated through paranoia

and fuck if his precognition skills don't rival the tarot

but his entire hand every shuffle ends up being

nothing but tower cards and devils and swords

so it's difficult to live in his kingdom i you have your own mind

but he didn't even want me to play the role of wife

I suppose he saw our dynamic more like in that movie

the sound of music where his heirs were to be

raised by a virginal and rebellious governess

who slowly won him over with her wild heart

it's funny because he always wanted to play with

such different rules when it came to past romances

every law he forced on me was not his to follow

the irony here is that the ex he loved before me

was named milena and I was constantly told how

I didn't compare to anything she could do

and I guess my inner being took that personally

because she slowly crafted golden armor

out of the left wing he pulled out of me

as I began to decay everything men like him told me

was wrong with me and how I should behave

as the mother of his children and the construct

he deemed appropriate and how my human body

never quite could keep up with his idealized bullshit

and today on the phone he talked to me

while making sure to repeat over and over

his good intent while he slowly reached between

our spirits to see where he could pour his misgivings

and fears with my change of situation into me

i was like having a conversation in the past

but this time I could feel everything

he literally knew nothing of my situation

and thought I do believe we was there to offer help

and support me in the way that he's comfortable with

and after a decade of collaborating with our children

I do trust him in more ways than I do most

our children have had a childhood that both of us

and our own only children within couldn't have dreamed about

and he loves those kids with everything inside him

and maybe in some ways there wasn't a heart inside me

for him to ever win but together we made the two

most beautiful humans and became surprise parents

and with everything all together there are no debts

but the shadows of our old dynamic came pouring in

the moment he started talking about my new

living arrangement and how I planned to do it

almost like there was a way I could have prevented

the normal mess divorce and moving and all that jazz

causes when something you were building implodes

I have never put my children in an unsafe situation

especially when it comes to caregivers and the like

because I have known too many caregivers

with cruel hands and unsavory appetites

also somewhat devoted my entire livelihood to being

a fulltime caregiver for the last decade so it was

obviously just him projecting his own twisted nightmare

internal cesspit of a world onto me and seeking out

reassurance in the absolute worst way possible

and I couldn't even begin to understand it

I know he likes to predict the pattern after one situation

which is one of the reasons why we didn't get along

because if you're going to assume I'm shitty

I have no problem fulfilling that prophesy

in those cases I even kind of relish it

he told me his sister could ask about a job

just like he did all those years ago

when I was in this exactly situation with him

and to be fair my most recent partner

did trauma bond with me listening to his stories

he even told me he loved me after one really nasty one

yeah, sometimes the loom isn't fun to look at

but now I'm realizing that he feels it too

tat man and I have always been two sides of the same coin

I just took a blowtorch and melted my face off it

that man who never liked star wars or batman or

any of the things that I liked to spend me time with

felt a disturbance in the force strong enough

to try and fish around my life to see what has his spooked

ad it's pretty funny because when I began writing

I'd just spent all my sadness for the day

and was beginning to feel myself kindling up about it

replaying that conversation and trying to figure out

why the fuck I had so much energy brewing

and the story is so much better told by my fingers

than what was going on in my mind

because when you're writing your body becomes the loom

and each place you hold your emotions holds thread

and through your hands you collect all the magic

of your experience and put in it a place for your eyes to see

and at the end of it your soul gets to agree

your heart and mind find peace

and your spirit gets to laugh himself home

and it's so much better than the tempest

because like I said crying in the bathtub today

"I don't want to be a storm."

[hopethelordswilllive]

"this is an unhealthy hope"

full warning for those who know me and those who dont, this written piece talks about heavy subjects personal to me and probably maladaptive thinking.

a few nights a go i had a disturbingly vivid dream. this happens often more than i would like, but right now i just need to put it somewhere.

the dream starts with facts, that i am as i was the night it happened. then it brings something absurd to the reality. these types of dreams for me at least, are very hard to become lucid. the absurdity it brings into the world is that technology has come up with something that was unnamed in the dream but well known for its purpose. a program you could be nominated for that allowed you to see into another version of your life.

i was nominated. but you could bring moral supports like friends and family up to about six to join you to comfort you, interact with the other version, and general moral supports.

i had brought my boyfriend and a few friends from school to join me. most expect to see themselves if they went to a different school, studied a different major, made different friends. something only slightly different from their life. in the dream as i watched it unfold i knew only one thing was going to happen for me.

heres how it went;

me and my friends arrive at the office where the program is being held. we check in at the desk where they promptly bring us all to a room which is pure white aside from a desk, computer, and chair. the far wall being a misty reflection of ourselves. this wall assumably is where you'd get to see the other version. one thing is on the computer. an interactable map layout of the other version's room. i sit in the chair and start scrolling around to get a feel of how their life is. they seem happy. content. i note this verbally to my friends while they critique it looks like a more cleaned up version of my depression room. though, that isnt my room. i dont recognize what house that is. i do not say that part out loud. again, and again, and again, things are missing in this room. stuff i dont recognize, art pieces i havent made. clothes i havent bought. i brush it off, easy to do when you understand how choices can be different depending what point in time they were made. thats what i say to myself in my dream at least. one thing i cant seem to find, my giant pink dumbo octopus plushie. i say nothing to the group. but i keep searching, thinking, maybe its somewhere else in the house that i supposedly could have lived in. but i know thats wrong.

for context, my giant pink dumbo octopus plushie isnt actually mine. and if the rightful owner of it could say anything in the matter, it would never have been in my possession to begin with.

my dream knows this. and the realization finally becomes too much. i start crying, to the shock of my group. to them, they dont know the importance of that plushie. they assume, maybe, i was attached to it as a child and perhaps it was destroyed in the other version. my boyfriend, alerted by my sudden burst of emotion, consoles me. though up until this point he wasnt really paying attention. he looks on the computer to see what could have had me this reaction, to find nothing. through laboured weeps i manage to push out the plushies name," burzum",

named after the music project by varg vikernes. this genre of music is not mine. i dont listen to norweigan black metal. i dont know who mayhem is, or who euronymous or pelle is. i only know someone who does. did. someone who is not here.

at first, my boyfriend searches on the map of my other version's room. assuming the same as i did, "maybe hes in the living room, maybe hes being washed, maybe hes at my house". at this point my friends are getting worried. they dont know. i keep saying to myself. and then the realization hits my boyfriend as well, he knows. he knows what this means. he starts crying.

a cool feature of this technology is that you can chat with the other version. though, everything is tightly knit in a way that needs full consent of both parties. the paperwork you do before going in properly is access to a digital relay of your room. thats how you are introduced to the idea of what the other version's life is like. everything after that uses a request method in order to proceed. my mind likes to bring in the "what if?" questions a lot in my dreams. while grieving a loved one i see the other side. my dream version of me, stuck in the world as it is now is not met face to face with the other version. i however am. it felt like i left my body and peeked over the wall. and he was there.

the other version and him had been lazily looking around my crowded room. poking fun at the fact i was still living at home. searching more, they found it. they saw burzum cramped into the wall and the bed where i sleep. to put it obviously, they were weirded out. making up scenarios of how he got there. maybe we started dating for real and burzum got caught up in the breakup? but that would also mean he probably broke up with the person who bought burzum for him. but you know what. i feel bad when the other version had found the altar. items of importance that otherwise would have not been in my possession. it slowly started to click. the other version could only look at him endearingly. but he didnt understand yet.

i knew. we knew. on the other side of that wall was a reality neither of us wanted to face. one of grief, and one of hope. did it matter? he typed on the computer requesting to see eachother face to face. a reason only known to me, it was denied. then the other version requested the same, this time it went through as a valid entry. now covering the screen of 'me as i am now' computer, a request to "lift the veil" as it was called. my boyfriend reaches to answer yes. knowing me, i simply could not let myself see that. the first i had moved from my fetal position on the chair was a confident 'dont' type of grab. "we need to leave" . through my dream seeing eyes, the request was denied. not by the other party but by the whatever company was holding this program.

"other party has resigned from program. you can no longer interact through the whatever program. other party has given consent to view lifestyle, social media, electronic history, medical history, achievements, and whatever is left."

this means that 'me as i am now' left the building without making further appointments to visit or interact with the other version. though as a lesson gave permission to view how their life is. they wont know if the other version looks at any of it. they will never go back there again. they remind themselves that the program is a two way full consent technology.

the hope here is that the other version, along with "him" will see how their lives could have been changed forever. that maybe "he" will think twice. this is an unhealthy hope.

[thescrapbookingscientist]

Bimonthly Media Roundup

Late again as October is a very busy month and I've been doing training at work making me busier than usual, plus had to work on a Monster themed power-point for our PowerPoint Halloween party. Also I got COVID again so that was fun.

- Spirited Away (Movie) - Spur of the moment decision that my sister and I made to go see this in the theater as a birthday outing for me. For one of my favorite movies of all time it's really been awhile since I've seen it, and while I obviously have nostalgia goggles and anime bias I do really think it deserves all the acclaim it gets. Incredibly creative world, fantastical atmosphere that just lets you experience it without feeling the need to over-explain and clarify every little thing, phenomenal music, charming characters and visuals, and a constantly engaging plot, the peak of what movies can be. My only real nitpick is that Zeniba and Yubaba really should be wearing different clothes from each other, the twins have different personalities and the dress designs should have reflected that. Anyway 11/10 if you haven't seen it you should do so immediately.

- Last Week Tonight (TV) - Big Mood.

- Spy X Family (Anime) - Yup.

- Heaven Official's Blessing (Anime) - TGCF is finally back! Not much to say so far as they are taking their time with the pacing (which is fine by me as I was worried they would rush through), but I'm happy to see more of the Windmaster and I love all the different and fun monster designs in Ghost City, I would hang out there for sure.

- Dr Stone (Anime) - Dr Stone is back as well, and I'm having fun with the current arc. Moz is a fun addition who I'm sure will eventually become a good guy as all defeated villains in this show do - his brand of "I don't give a shit about my evil societies rules and just want to fight strong people for sport actually" is always a welcome character type. Also I like his design. I do want to learn more about the female warrior as well as while I love Kohaku and new addition Amaryllis, this series really could use some more central female characters.

- The Greatest Estate Developer (Webnovel) - Nothing new to say but this art is cute.

- Ace Attorney Vs Professor Layton (Video Game) - Thought I would finish this before this came out but I've been a bit too busy to have it up most days, so I still have a little more to go. I'm honestly enjoying it more than I thought I would, I was kind of just going through it out of obligation to say I've experienced the entire Ace attorney series but the plot, characters, aesthetic, and humor have been pretty good actually. I still have a bit to go so the finale will cement my overall feelings but I'm certainly enjoying it more than the Investigations games at least.

- One Piece (Anime) - Due to earlier exposure to the early manga arcs, I always knew that I would one day become obsessed with this series, and pulling my sister down into this rabbit hole with me was the motivation I needed to make good on that. The series has it's issues obviously - the women's bodies are notoriously ridiculous and vary so little in comparison to the wide variety of male body types, the pacing can be a bit annoying at times with frequent flashbacks and drawn out fights, and while ridiculousness is it's creed the amount of damage these characters can just walk off is immersion-breakingly absurd. Unfortunately the good points of the series really do drown out the flaws at this point at least - The world is incredibly creative and a joy to explore, the central characters (and especially the protagonist) are all very charming with fun dynamics between them, the individual arcs are really engaging with earned emotional highs and memorable visuals, the humor is consistently on point, and above all it wildly succeeds in it's premise of being an escapist fantasy in which a group of lovable friends go on fantastical adventures exploring the wonders of a fantastical world. Here's to the many many more episodes to go.

- Genshin Impact (Video Game) - Finally got to Inazuma which is decent so far, the art and story is consistently good in this game but my familiarity with Japanese culture and JRPGs with similar settings have me a little more excited about getting past this to Sumeru, which seems really neat from a landscape and story perspective. Then again Inazuma has a lot of cool looking characters I have yet to meet so we'll see as we go. Yan Fei is my best girl with Lisa being a consistent support, with Barbara, Dendro Traveler, Candace, and a recently acquired Rosaria being switched around as my other team members.

Listening To: Bones by MSMR, In My Head by Mike Shinoda, Ivy by Taylor Swift, Give Us A Little Love by Fallulah, Make Up Your Mind by Florence + The Machine, Roll With The Punches and Most People by Dawes, IDOL by YOASOBI, Atlantis by Seafret, Viva la Vida by Reinaeiry, Arcade by Duncan Laurence, Doin' Time by Lana Del Rey.

[miraculouscontent]

After reading that, I think it's safe to say that Miraculous Ladybug is more of a horror/psychological thriller than romance/comedy. And now I want an AU where Marinette takes the earrings off and realizes that they're messing with head

Marinette felt strange, and after getting used to the feeling of being on the Startrain, she knew it wasn't the cause. She felt lighter - less restricted - somehow, and while a part of her had expected that due to handing off the ladybug miraculous, it wasn't in the way she'd expected.

Once she was done sending Alya all the Ladybug tips, Marinette had figured they'd start talking about Adrien or what their next scheme would be once she got back, but she ended up finding the idea tiring. It was odd in the way that finding something in her room just slightly out of place would be (at least before the kwami began living there).

Everything she'd thought she might feel - anxiety over what could go wrong while she was gone, concern over how the kwami were doing in her absence, and longing for who she'd pictured as the love of her life - wasn't there. It felt completely unlike her, just as it felt unlike Alya to not reply to her messages considering how much she liked to be on her phone.

Abandoning the idea of texting Alya for now, she closed their conversation and idly started browsing her phone. Even still, the weird feeling didn't cease and her hero senses were going off.

Something was wrong, or... maybe right? It wasn't as if she was feeling anything bad, but she felt entirely different than when she was in Paris. It was hard to get a gauge on exactly how she should take it.

Marinette glanced at her parents, catching herself frowning before they could glance back. She looked at her phone, acting like nothing was wrong and idly scrolling through her various apps so as to look busy. In the process, she stumbled upon her gallery, finding her mass of Adrien images inside. It took up a majority of her pictures, and she found herself blushing in embarrassment rather than fondness.

Did she really have this many normally? How much time had she taken getting them?

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, thrown off by just how different she felt. The reaction to seeing Adrien that she'd normally have where she'd lose all focus had virtually disappeared, and the only reason she'd missed it at all was because it gave her an absurd amount of mental clarity concerning how she'd be acting otherwise.

Clarity...

The word brought a particular face to her mind: pink lips, blue eyes, and black hair highlighted blue at the tips. Marinette ran her fingers through her own hair, ruffling it as she tried to piece out how she was feeling. All she knew was that - whatever it was - it was significant and she didn't have Tikki to vent to.

Though perhaps she wouldn’t had much to provide anyway.

A mix of trepidation and curiosity filling her. Switching away from her gallery, she went back to her conversations and pulled up her texts with Luka. Despite her confusion over whatever was happening to her at the moment, she managed a smile at Luka's contact image staring fondly at her.

After a moment of consideration, she typed out:

Hey. Sorry if you're busy. Thought we could talk?

That done, she navigated back to her gallery to look at all her Adrien pictures. She shifted in her seat again, as if it would change things or help her mind adjust to the unfamiliar sensation. It wasn't like looking at Adrien didn't make her feel anything at all, but that feeling could only be described as "normal," like the way she saw him before he'd given her that umbrella.

Before she officially became a ladybug holder who agreed to protect the people of Paris...

Her lips twitched in hesitant thought, her thumb brushing against her screen as she skimmed through the assortment of Adrien pictures. Her brain registered a feeling - or rather, lack thereof - and the foreign emotions encouraged her to act.

She tapped the garbage can icon experimentally, a notification popping up accordingly and asking her if she'd like to delete the picture. She brought the phone closer to her chest, like she felt she was doing something wrong, yet there was only a second of pause before she confirmed the decision.

She watched as Adrien disappeared, a message indicating that the picture had been trashed.

Marinette blinked at the message until it had timed out, bringing her back to the gallery. She was frozen in place, her fingers twitching against the side of the phone as she processed what she'd just done.

Then, she did it again. She tapped on another picture of Adrien, a weird mix of eagerness and interest urging her thumb along as she pressed the garbage can icon again, confirming the decision just as quickly.

Just before the image disappeared, a stray thought said aloud in her mind: black hair and blue eyes would've worked better for an outfit like that.

This time, her body finally moved, a shudder going up her spine as she took in a breath. Her eyes darted over to her parents, knowing how strange this must look to them, but they weren't watching her anyway, meaning the moment was kept firmly in her own personal bubble. It was so odd; normally, someone would've seen her acting off, or laughed and made muttering comments about it.

But nothing was happening, and she didn't know whether to question it or not.

Marinette glanced back at her phone, almost challenging herself as she started to run through the assorted Adrien pictures. She could've thrown them in the metaphorical bin all at once, but instead, she went one-by-one. She waited for something to break, either a sense of regret to settle in over the deletion or for her heart to start fawning over the face on screen, but neither happened.

She was in control, and it felt good. Really, really good.

Part of her felt like she was being ridiculous. The idea of getting some kind of emotional high out of deleting a few pictures sounded stupid, and yet she felt powerful. It was like a veil had been lifted and suddenly she had choices.

If her parents saw her visibly vibrating in her seat, she didn't hear them make mention of it.

The only thing that made her snap out of her rapid thumb movements was a text notification at the top of her screen, and only due to the flash of black, blue, and white. Her lips curved into a smile, originally being pressed together in focus, and she clicked to open her text messages with Luka.

Hey, Marinette. I'm not busy at all. What's up?

She felt warm, knowing that the guy who always made her feel comfortable and happy was on the other line. it was such a shame that they hadn't been able to work it out because of Adrien.

Marinette paused just as she went to reply, those thoughts catching up to her as she remembered that day with Luka underneath the bridge. She'd been so sure that she'd had to break up with him because of Adrien, but as she purposefully tried to recall the memory, something registered like a mental fog clearing in her mind.

Hadn't it actually been her responsibilities as Ladybug that had done it? In fact, that added up alongside all of the other memories of his akumatization; she hadn't been ditching him during their dates out of discomfort or her crush on Adrien, but because of akuma and sentimonsters.

How could she have forgotten? Or rather, how could she have remembered otherwise?

Marinette just barely managed to snap herself out of her trance, her phone having dimmed from inactivity and the sight of her furrowed brows and worried frown staring back at her from the blackened screen. She blinked rapidly, then shook her head to clear herself of the unnerving thoughts.

Lighting her phone back up, she hurriedly typed back as she realized she'd left Luka on read, trying to ignore the way her thumbs shook.

Nothing much.

She hesitated, already seeing him typing back. Guilt burrowed around in her stomach, knowing very well that it was not "nothing" but being unable to properly convey what was going on to him when she didn't even understand it herself.

She typed again, his own typing ceasing to let her add to her comment.

Actually, I've been thinking a bit lately. I'm going to be in London for a while and I'm on the train ride there right now. It's given me some time to myself and it's... weird.

I'm sorry, I know that doesn't make sense.

Even though he hadn't replied, she knew he was taking her seriously as he was typing back.

It makes sense. Background music doesn't work for everyone.

Marinette realized that her shoulders had been tense when they relaxed at his message. She pressed her lips together, feeling vaguely like she didn't deserve him and pushing down the thoughts just as quickly. He'd never approve of that kind of talk.

My head's just been a bit of a mess. Or... not a mess? Things were really foggy but I didn't realize that they were? It's like I'm thinking clearer but I don't know if I like everything that came with that.

What was the phrase? Ignorance is bliss? She had no idea where these changes were coming from, but something had indeed changed and she didn't know the significance of it. She was indeed happy that she felt so in control now over her thoughts on Adrien, but why now? What caused it, and what about her memories?

Would it go away?

Marinette shuddered at the idea, but tried to focus on her conversation with Luka. Having a crisis wasn't going to do her any good, and he was there with her, even if only through text.

I can't know what you're going through, but I think I get it.

-

You do?

-

Yeah. Do you remember my birthday, when everyone heard about my dad being Jagged Stone?

He already continued typing, so she just nodded even if he couldn't see it. She'd only been with Juleka when the reveal had happened, but she imagined it'd been just as much of a shock for her as it'd been for them. She couldn't even imagine when Luka could've learned about it.

Wait--no, she'd already known, actually, hadn't she? He'd been akumatized and had gone after Jagged, and she'd been there when he forced Jagged to tell him the truth about being his father.

Marinette winced at the filling of a gap in her memory that she hadn't realized had been there. Once again, she'd remembered something that she couldn't fathom having forgotten or misremembered, even with how spotty her memory could be under normal circumstances.

She turned towards the back of her seat and the window, trying to isolate herself so it felt like just her, her phone, and Luka. She desperately needed his texts as a distraction.

I'd wanted to know who my dad was for so long, but learning that it was my favorite musician all this time was a lot. I had to redo all the notes I’ve ever written about him, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it for a while.

He kept typing after that, and she merely stroked the side of the phone with her thumb as some form of support, even knowing that he couldn't know about it.

But I'm glad I knew in the end. He's doing his best to make up for all the lost time, and I don't have to go on never knowing what that song would've sounded like.

Their situations weren't exactly the same, but it was enough to reach her deep down. Whatever her situation was, if it really did mean something, she'd rather know it was there than go on never knowing. She hated the idea of being left in the dark, just as she hated being lied to.

As she took a calming breath, she found it in herself to type back.

I'm glad you know too. You deserve people who make you happy, Luka.

-

Thank you, Marinette. You do too, and I hope that whatever you're going through goes at least as well as it did for me.

-

Thanks.

She bit her lower lip at her reply, which felt clipped in tone even though she hadn't meant it that way. She just had too much on her mind and it was hard to think about what emotion was coming across when she was typing to him.

She tapped away at the on-screen keyboard, hopefully before he could think anything in particular about it.

Sorry.

Though she wanted to explain further, she wavered, her legs bending as she curled further in on herself. The conversation had already been so deep and she didn't want to make it worse.

But just as she debated on dismissing her feelings and insisting that he not worry about her, the memories that had been cleared up from before came back to her, reminding her of a warm hug on top of a bridge.

"When you're ready, I'll be here, Marinette."

She inhaled shakily, but steadied herself immediately afterwards, letting the warmth of the words calm her. Luka was there for her and she trusted him.

She was ready.

...I'm scared, Luka. I thought I had my clarity, but I don't. Something's wrong.

Then, almost on cue, the train screeched to a halt, jostling her out of her seat as the lights went off. The simultaneous sound of phones ringing followed soon after.

—————

Marinette held her breath, crouched down in the restroom while she listened closely for the sound of her parents' footsteps. Her throat let out a whine, but she managed to keep it silent enough to where she was sure that no one on the other side of the door would hear it. She'd have to leave eventually or risk being cornered, courtesy of the power being off and the restroom's lock being electronic, but she felt safe enough to pull out her phone.

She also set it on vibrate just in case.

There was a reasonable concern at first that Luka's texts would indicate that he'd fallen victim to the akuma, but what she found when she checked their conversation reassured her.

Marinette!

Is everything okay?

Did the akuma's power reach you? Did they call you too?

Marinette?

The panic in simple letters on a screen made her feel noticed and loved. Keeping enough of her focus on potential footsteps approaching outside the door, she typed out a reply:

Sorry. I had to run from my parents.

I'm okay. What about you?

-

You're alright. I'm so glad.

I'm okay too. I hid somewhere and I doubt anyone can find me.

-

That's good. Be careful.

-

You too.

She took another breath, certain she'd be captured soon if the akuma wasn't taken care of. The train was limited and there weren't many places to go, so unless she could find a blunt object to smash her parents' phones, she was at a loss.

Regardless, Luka was there, her phone vibrating as he added onto his previous text:

I know this isn't the time, and I hate that the akuma cut into the song we were writing, but I'm here for you, Marinette. Whatever's going on, I'll help you figure it out as long as you want me with you.

Her heart fluttered pleasantly, a pink blush even tinting her cheeks. She welcomed it, unlike the fear that'd come with the changed memories. Feeling the way she did for Luka was too natural to be afraid in any way.

Thank you, so much. You're the only one I could trust with something like this.

She meant it. She'd trusted Alya with her identity in a moment of weakness, and even passed the ladybug earrings to her, yet that somehow paled in comparison to the emotions she was choosing to share. Luka would take her seriously, she was sure, even if she came up with the craziest theory in the world for why her feelings and memories were the way they were. He wouldn't doubt her, or laugh, or dismiss her as "Marinette being Marinette."

And as she sat there, completely without a miraculous or any way to get back to Paris without help, she reached up with her free hand and tugged at her earlobe, processing what she could with the information she had as one such theory started to form in her head. The fear from before never quite went away, but the idea of figuring things out with Luka brought her a sense of comfort.

Though perhaps, when she got back to Paris, she would take back her miraculous with a sense of hesitance that she hadn't had before, and there would be some testing that followed after the fact, because there were two things she refused to give up from her experience on the train.

Her sense of freedom and choice, and the feelings for Luka that she can't believe she ever questioned.

Or, if her working theory was correct, that her miraculous had her question.

[queenshelby]

My Friend’s Father (Part Nine)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Age Gap, Smut, Domestic Violence, Angst

Words: 3,064

Please comment and interact...it's what keeps this blog going

***************************

Almost a week had passed since you stayed with Cillian at his unit in Galway and, despite the fact that he was away, things had further developed between you as emotions grew with every day.

He was different to any man you had ever been involved with and, whilst your involvement with each other stemmed from purely sexual lust and hunger, you had evolved from this to something different entirely within a matter of days.

Of course, you knew each other for years and, whilst you had a crush on Cillian for as long as you could remember, you never thought that it would be like this and, for Cillian, this feeling had never been mutual.

Whilst he always considered you to be attractive and very intelligent and kind, he never felt any emotional connection or sexual attraction towards you, at least not until that weekend when you visited Denise, which was also the first time he saw you again after six months had passed.

On that night during which you slept with each other, he let his sexual hunger take over his reasonable thinking mind after he saw you, in his kitchen, making pancakes and you had since, quite openly, talked about it. He saw sleeping with you as a mistake but, ever since that night, he couldn’t get you out of his head.

For you, things weren’t just sexual anymore and you began to feel strongly for Cillian which worried you especially since he was open about the fact that he didn’t know where things were heading with you. The fact that you are his daughter’s friend and much younger than him clearly bothered him and he sometimes admitted to you that he felt strange about building such a strong connection with you. A relationship was not what he wanted but he liked you, a lot.

As such, during the past week, Cillian called you every day after he finished filming and you were talking to him more frequently than you were talking to Denise.

During his breaks, he would also text you and check in on you as you were in the middle of exams. He always remembered when you had a test and asked you how it went and, when you told him that you didn’t feel confident with your results, he reassured you that you probably did well and, even if you didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. According to him, a pass is a pass and you needed to lower your expectations of yourself just a little.

To your surprise, he also remembered appointments you had scheduled and things that bothered you which meant that, unlike other men you had been with, he was actually listening and was interested in what you had to say.

Some nights, you had spent hours on the phone or Skype, joking about things you had encountered that day or talking about books, literature and music, which is something you both enjoyed.

Politics and social issues were other matters you could discuss endlessly and, even when you were of different opinions, you would be able to argue in the most satisfying way. Cillian always treated you as an equal and even opened up to you about his divorce from Denise’s mother recently.

Another thing you learned from Cillian was that Denise was brining along her friend Amalie to Manchester to stay at his apartment and, when you gave him a warning about her and her intentions, he reminded you that he only had eyes for you. In fact, he always showered you with compliments and all of his compliments were genuine and came natural to him, helping you immensely with your self-consciousness.

Unfortunately, whilst you enjoyed how engaging Cillian was with you every day, like a teenager in love, with the constant text messages and calls, your father soon got suspicious and confronted you about.

****

“Dad, I am almost 22, you don’t need to be spying on me” you said somewhat frustrated as he asked you who you were talking to every day.

“You live under my roof and you answer me young lady” he said harshly and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes just as your mother stepped in, trying to calm him down. Your father was much older, approaching sixty and fairly old school in the way he expected you and your sister to behave.

“A friend…I am talking to a friend” you explained and your father asked again, telling you not to lie to him because he would know.

“And this friend of yours, you can’t meet him…you just text and talk? You can’t bring him to our house and introduce him?” your father asked along with a million other questions.

“No, I can’t. he lives in Dublin and I, most certainly, wouldn’t bring him into this…” you said somewhat irritated by the interrogation.

“Dublin, huh? So, you met him when you visited Denise?” he asked and you nodded.

“It’s not her brother, is it? Because I really don’t want you to get involved with him. I don’t like this family and their views” your father said harshly, causing you to chuckle.

“Their views?” you asked somewhat surprised and your father nodded.

“Yes, their views on what’s right and wrong. If I recall correctly, this girl you call your friend was going out with someone of the same gender for a while. God didn’t tell us to do this but her parents obviously didn’t have an issue with it which, apparently is called new age parenting. Everything is pro choice and lets their children decide what is best for them even if they lack experience” your father went on to say and you couldn’t help but shake your head at his absurd commentary but, he continued and you soon learned what had happened between your parents and Denise’s parents many years ago, before which your mother had called Denise’s mother her friend as well.

According to your father, Cillian had voiced his opinion to your father when it was found out that your sister was pregnant following a short affair with a man she had met through university.

Cillian’s ex wife had told your sister that she had options, causing your father to get rather angry with her, which is when Cillian stepped in, supporting what Denise’s mother had said.

She had offered your sister help but your father considered this to be a betrayal and, whilst your mother maintained contact with Denise’s mother for a while, your father refused to get involved with Denise’s family thereafter.

Cillian’s often all so public views angered him and he made this very clear. He didn’t want you to be involved with his children and you couldn’t help but laugh about the irony of it all when you found out about this incident.

“Jesus Dad, that was years ago and not everyone has to have the same views as you” you said before confirming that you weren’t seeing Denise’s brother.

“No, they don’t, but I am just looking out for you and, instead of acting the way you do, throwing yourself at guys with new age ideas, I would much prefer if you met a nice young catholic man” your father explained, causing your mother to fume in anger with him.

“Throwing myself at guys? Listen, I am not sure what slut you think I am but it’s nice to know that you think so little of me” you said before storming upstairs and into your room.

Having to deal with this crap bothered you and you knew that, when this semester came to an end, you could be moving out now that you saved enough money for a bond and rent.

*****

As the evening went on, you spent all of your time in your room, reading a book until, finally, at around 9 o’clock you saw a notification on Skype.

‘Hey Beautiful’ Cillian said as you picked up and popped in your headphones.

Cillian apologised for calling through so late and informed you that he was finally able to speak to Laura, the woman he was seeing before you.

He knew that you wanted to know about it and he had no problem telling you what you needed to hear while telling you that you had absolutely nothing to worry about.

It was Laura’s first day back on set after a week-long break and Cillian told you that she wasn’t exactly impressed when he stood her down.

‘She probably likes you…I can understand that’ you said calmly but Cillian told you that he was pretty clear with her about what this was between them.

‘Well, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her’ he went on and you were quite happy to change the topic by this point and told him that you were aching for him.

‘Well, I am not sure that I can help you with that’ Cillian chuckled.

‘We could have Skype sex I suppose’ you giggled.

‘Skype Sex?’ Cillian laughed before telling you that he didn’t think that this would be a good idea since you were at home with your parents and you had previously complained about the thin walls of the house.

‘Oh Jesus Cillian, my father already thinks I am a slut, so I personally don’t care if anyone hears me getting myself off. I’ve got my earphones in and am the only one who can hear you and my door is locked’ you chuckled.

‘Your father thinks that you are a slut? Do you want to talk about that?’ Cillian asked concerned but you shook your head.

‘I rather not. You met him and know what he is like’ you explained.

‘I do. He takes God very seriously’ Cillian said before continuing on. ‘But, if you have problems at home you need to tell me please. You can stay at my apartment. I can get my house keeper to meet you there with the key’ he offered.

‘You said you were going to stay out of stuff between me and my parents just as I would stay out of matters between you and Denise’ you then said, reminding him on the conversation about your respective roles which you had three days ago.

‘Yes I did, but I can’t if I have to worry about you’ Cillian said firmly.

‘There is no need to worry Cillian. I promise’ you reassured him. ‘Well, actually, I need you to worry about my sexual needs right now’ you then went on to say with sly grin.

‘Through Skype?’ Cillian asked again somewhat concerned.

‘Yes’ you said with a cheeky smile as you settled more into your bed with your laptop.

‘Alright then, show me what you are wearing” Cillian said as he cut straight to the point.

‘Can you see?’ you asked as you adjusted the cam and showed Cillian your dark blue lingerie.

‘Very nice…but…I think you would look even better if you were naked, don’t you think?’ Cillian said somewhat nervously and you nodded in agreement.

‘Well, I suppose I should strip for you and you should strip for me’ you giggled as you seductively took off your bra slowly, showing Cillian your perky breasts through the camera.

You heard him inhale sharply as he watched you and took his t-shirt off at the same time, leaving him in nothing but his CK briefs.

Without words you then scooted back on the bed and removed your undies, allowing him to watch before you sat down on the bed, spread eagle and naked, giving him a good view of your mound.

‘Jesus Y/N, you are so fucking beautiful and sexy…touch yourself for me, nice and slow’ Cillian breathed out and you let his soothing voice wash over you, knowing what he was trying to do and happily helping him succeed.

‘Like this?’ you moaned as you began to run circles over your clit with your fingers.

‘Yes, just like that babe’ Cillian groaned as he shuffled down his briefs and you were finally getting a good look of his hard cock.

‘Oh god, I want to stroke your cock so badly’ you moaned as you seductively opened your pussy lips with your fingers, opening yourself up before reaching for the black vibrator you kept in your bedside table.

‘Well, someone's particularly horny tonight’ Cillian chuckled as he watched you play with your pussy, and you could hear the smirk in his voice.

You mumbled a small "mhm," and he laughed.

‘Good, that's exactly how I like you, so naughty and needy’ Cillian said as he slowly began to stroke his hard member.

You barely registered his words enough to answer with another "mhm," but your subconscious managed it. Your weak answer elicited another delicious chuckle from the other end of the line.

"Why don't you show me how this little toy of yours works?” Cillian then asked as he watched you eagerly.

“I was just waiting for you to ask” you giggled as you began to run your fingers along your stomach and back up to your chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps their wake before reaching for the vibrator and turning it on.

“Put into your sweet pussy babe, let me see it” Cillian groaned and you moan in response, barely processing his words but still understanding enough to answer and do what he asked.

"I bet your pussy is already dripping” he said as you slid the vibrator into you slowly. He was right, you could feel your wetness pooling.

“I am so fucking wet and I wish it would be your cock inside me” you moaned as you began to stroke the toy in and out of you.

Cillian was groaning on the other side, his eyes full of lust and desire for you and you let out a quiet moan as you watched him with the same desire and hunger while you were pleasuring yourself.

“Good girl, keep going…” Cillian tells you and you moan again hearing it.

“Tell me how much you are aching for my cock” he then said you moaned again.

“I want your cock so badly, fuck…I want your cum inside me, dripping out of my wet little pussy” you moaned, eliciting a groan from Cillian as he began to stroke his cock harder and faster.

“Such a naughty needy girl, aren’t you? I can’t wait to be inside you again and make you cum over and over again” Cillian said with a laboured breath and you are barely listening at this point.

“I want you to cum for me and show me this dripping pussy when you do…I fucking love hearing your moans, so fucking sexy…common babe….let go” Cillian said, knowing that you were close and your orgasm rolled over you as soon as the word 'cum' left his lips, and although your sensitive clit was screaming at your hand to stop, you couldn't.

‘Oh god fuck, yes…’ you moaned as you came hard and fast.

“That’s it babe, don’t stop” he instructed as your moans continuously spilled from your mouth, and you were not even sure what you were saying or if you were forming words at all. The only thing in your head is a deliciously heavy fog and Cillian’s voice guiding you to do what he wanted.

“Don’t stop, keep fucking your sweet little pussy babe” Cillian ordered as he knew you weren’t done and, just as he did, you let out a high-pitched moan, bordering on a scream, as an even stronger orgasm washed over your body.

‘Cum for me babe…I want to see all this cum’ you moaned in return, focusing on the delicious image in front of you as Cillian was stroking his cock and, just when you finally come back down you heard Cillian groan loudly.

“Fuck” he groaned as he stroked his cock hard and fast you watched rope after rope of cum spurt onto his stomach.

‘Oh god, what a waste, I want to lick your cum off your skin so badly” you breathed out as Cillian came down from his high slowly and used a tissue to clean himself up.

‘Stop saying those things or you have to stay on the line for another twenty minutes at least’ Cillian chuckled as he could feel his manhood stir again.

‘Well, I think you shouldn’t cum again until you come to visit me in Galway the weekend after next…I want you to save it all for me’ you said, causing Cillian to cock an eyebrow as he pulled his briefs back up.

‘Fat chance babe’ he chuckled, knowing that going without an orgasm for nine days would be rather difficult for him.

Eventually, after a lot of begging, he agreed to try but he wouldn’t be able to make you any promises to this effect.

***

The following day, you went to work and then university thereafter but, when you eventually returned home, your father was in a worse mood than ever before.

‘Can you explain this to me?’ he asked angrily as soon as you walked through the door and you couldn’t help but gulp when he pointed to a white box which he had placed on the living room table.

‘You went through my personal belongings’ you huffed out as the box contained some lingerie and intimate items, including toys, that you were hiding in the bottom of your dresser.

‘Again Y/N, this is my house, my rules and I don’t want my daughter to own filth like this’ he said, after having heard small pieces of your conversation with Cillian on Skype the evening before.

It was obvious to you that your father was appalled and you were outraged that he had been snooping through your room and, as you would later learn, had even tried to access your computer.

‘I can’t fucking believe you dad. These are my personal belongings and you have no right to go through them’ you huffed out and, just as you did, you could feel a sharp strike across your face.

‘Get this shit out of my house and talk to me with some respect’ he said harshly, leaving you speechless and in tears as he walked away, leaving your cheek burning red.

   Tag List:

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@peaky-cillian​

@severewobblerlightdragon​  @ysmmsy​

[kojinnie]

With The Exception of You

I dislike everyone in the room.

Pairing/Character: Reiner x Reader (she/her), Porco Galliard

Tags: SFW, fluff, college!au, Reiner Braun is a jock who is tired of his own friends, secret relationship

WC: 3.2K

Summary: Reiner had agreed to be in a discreet relationship with you, but after six months and with the arrival of Porco Galliard around you, he couldn’t help but to mark his territory.

Reiner couldn’t seem to fathom the butterflies wreaking havoc in his stomach. It came out of nowhere, as it often happened to be. Once in a while, he could feel his guts twisting as his chest filled with overflown emotions at odd times. Reiner hated it when it happened, because as much as he wanted to convince himself that he wasn’t self-aware of his image, those feelings could potentially strip himself off of his cool guy status.

Reiner had come to realize that such strange feeling often occurred caused by the sight of you.

It could be anything. Things so mundane, so simple. Like the way you twisted the pen in your fingers, the way you squinted your eyes at the blackboard during a lecture, and how you hastily scribbled things on your leather-bound notebook.

Or maybe it’s the way you sighed deliberately loud when someone uttered a dumb, sexist remark in class with no trace of shame, after they tried to debate your sound, well-researched opinion, and how you’d resolved it with a sarcasm that could disintegrate a man’s ego. Reiner sat on the corner of the classroom, disguising his chuckle by clearing his throat, finally coming to experience what they had called butterflies-in-your-stomach all along. 

At that point he had found himself painfully and helplessly in love with you.

He was well-aware of how different the two of you were. Reiner was the athlete, admitted to the uni through football scholarship, and you were the hard-working academician that mostly kept to yourself – hard to approach, hard to tame. Reiner hated how stereotypical he was – tall, buff, blonde, jock, with cheerleader exes and a DM full of thirst trap from his assembly of admirers. Reiner once wished he was anything but a cookie-cutter of everything you had been appalled of.

Reiner could feel every ounce of confidence he had ever had shriveled around your presence. It’s the way the two of you almost collided to each other at the campus hallway, and the way you threw an acknowledging, formal smile at him before striding away that made his heart ached. He wished you’d run to him and shriek his name with affection, but Reiner realized you were not one of his cheerleader exes, and not that he wanted you to be one. You were an anomaly he had yet to understand. A misplaced figure sticking out of his history of penchant for conformity.

“I really like you.” one day he finally said. Never had he been weak on the knees for a confession to any girl before, but this one occurrence? He did.

He didn’t know how he mustered the courage, but after hours, days and weeks he had spent trying to know you – learning your favorite song, accompanying you for book hunting, baking your favorite muffins, texting you good morning and good night – he finally got you alone, in the campus library, only five minutes before closing time.

You laughed at first, because the confession sounded ridiculous to you. The last thing you needed was a horde of girls sending you anonymous hate comments on Insta because you took the campus’ most eligible hunk off of the market. But he didn’t laugh along, and that was when realization hit you.

“So, is that why you’ve been following me around?”

Reiner furrowed his thin, almost non-existent brow, “What do you think?”

“I thought you were just bored with your jock friends,” you scoffed, “because you know, I’d be bored out of my ears too if all I ever heard all day is insecure men constantly praising themselves.” you glanced at Reiner, trying to discover even the slightest amusement on his hardened face to no avail.

“Reiner, are you serious?”

He sighed, couldn’t believe his ears. The first time ever Reiner caught you being stupid beyond recognition, “For the millionth times, yes.”

“You’ve only said it once, though.”

“For fuck’s sake,” the jock grunted, but there was a slight smile arose from his face, “I like you, really much. Times eight hundred ninety-eight thousand.”

“And?”

“So would you be my girlfriend?”

And you said yes, after three minutes of hesitation, you said yes. With a laughter. Because the absurdity of you being with someone like Reiner was lurid. Yet still, you were in no capacity to lie when his good morning text had been the most unsubstantiated text you looked forward to every day.

You wondered why? It’s just text. But maybe, you tried to convince yourself, it’s because of the effort he put, of trying to wake earlier before you every morning although he was hardly a morning person. Or it’s the way he listened to your kind of music although he was practically tone deaf, and returned to you the next week with his analysis on why your favorite band’s first album was their masterpiece and that sadly they never outdid it with any of their following albums.

And maybe, it’s the sight of the topless Reiner in the football field, after a home match. The way he was quick to run to the side of the field with his Captain instinct, lurching himself towards the start of a brawl between the two teams’ players, heated by animosity over the match result. Reiner was strong enough to break at least ten muscular jocks apart from throwing punches at each other, and with his deep, stern, authoritative voice, he commanded them to “Stop it. Fuck off.” You remembered immediately leaving the bleachers and found the nearest toilet because you needed to breathe and that you felt things simmering in your nether area. You never felt like that before to any of your exes.

Reiner knew the mutual pining between the two of you was evident, and so he was left puzzled when you said, “But please don’t tell anyone yet.” He asked why, but you only shrugged your shoulder with an answer that gave very little explanation, “I just don’t feel like having people talk about us.”

Reiner trusted you, because at first, he thought it was for modesty, you were not a fan of the limelight, evidently. Or it’s for practical reason, you don’t want to be burdened by society’s expectation on how two adults in relationship should be. Reiner could make 1,000 excuses for you that would justify your terms and conditions, so he went with what you wanted, because he was so hopelessly into you.

Nonetheless, still he enjoyed holding your hand in the dark alley of the campus – away from all the prying eyes, or the girls that’d giggle walking past the beautiful giant. Still he liked to have you sleeping naked in his embrace, making lazy circles with his calloused digits on your small back, at the emptiness of his dorm room when his roommate was home early for Christmas. Still he enjoyed teasing you at unassuming place, at the quiet library, studying together in silence for the upcoming exams, he’d be sitting next to you, leaning to his chair and slithered his right hand underneath your sweatshirt, to playfully and quickly unclasped your bra, only for you to smack his stomach in annoyance. He liked you, and he liked how you scurried to the restroom to fix your bra. He liked to be with you, no matter in silence or in noise.

However, after six months, questions started to throb incessantly inside Reiner’s mind. Even after all the time you had spent together, why must still he go alone to the football team soiree? Why would you let his team mate thought that Reiner was single, and promised him chances with girls, left and right? Why were you unfazed to see the girls sliding into his DMs? And when you put on that tight, backless black dress on New Year’s Eve, why would you put it for your friends’ party, and not for his eyes only? Why would you color your lips with the blood red Chanel lipstick Reiner gave you, and smile at other people that’s not him?

Reiner could not make sense of you. He pondered, he wondered and he became jealous. He’d look at you intently and see whether there was any trace of other man on you that he had not recognized? He’d become quiet and his friends thought he had gotten sensitive over nothing. The captain had become agitated, irritable and his head was hardly in the game – all with seemingly no reason.

Reiner began to think that he knew the reason why. He thought it’s the boy you’d met at the Academic Writing class, with stupid name and equally stupid undercut. Porco Galliard, you said his name was. In an instance his name had become a staple in your conversation. When Reiner asked you out for a dinner, it’d be like, “Ah sorry babe, I got this assignment with Porco.” A trip to the zoo? “You know, Porco have this funny experience with apes.” A night out in his dorm? By the point Reiner had a half-boner forming already seeing you in your lounge shorts, you’d be giggling and stayed busy with your phone. Reiner asked, “What’s so funny, babe?”

“What’s so funny, babe?” he asked again, because you didn’t seem to hear the first time he asked you. Distracted, you showed a stupid meme on your phone, “Porco sent me this.”

Porco here, Porco there. Reiner was sick of hearing that dumb name.

He had tried to look up for his background, and he hated to find that all that ever came up about him were amicable. His friends knew him, said he was chill, said he was smart as fuck, said he had a cool family, said he turned down a track and field scholarship for law school. Porco Galliard is a cool dude, they all said.

At certain point Reiner had grown to be furious, and the more your text messages became sparse or the more you spent your Saturday nights without him, the more he set his mind to do something about the two of you. He had become so sick of hiding and he wanted the whole world to know that you were his. Especially that guy with a name that sounded like her mother hated giving birth to him.

So came that day. You hadn’t been replying to his texts since morning, and only did so after chains of messages he left.

[you | 11.35] oh my god reiner!!! I’M SO SORRY, i left my phone uncharged all morning. i’m heading to cafeteria rn, it’s muffin tuesday 😵👅

[reiner | 06.37] good morning baby

[reiner | 07.49] you awake now?

[reiner | 08.15] sleepyhead 😪💤 see you today pretty

[reiner | 10.23] i got practice today until late. see you tonight? my room?

[reiner | 10.55] are you in class rn?

[reiner | 11.36] wanna go together?

[you | 11.45] haha noo a lot of people there

[reiner | 11.45] who r u going with?

[you | 11.55] with pockooo haha we got class together after lunch

Pocko. Is that an endearing term you came up with for the jizzhead? Reiner thought, pissed off beyond compare. He paced restlessly in his room, trying to figure out what did Porco have that he didn’t have? Thinking of how his undercut made his head looked way bigger for his neck, just like sperm; and it made Reiner mad angry. “Fuck you, Jizzhead”, he hissed, kicking the pile of dirty laundry on his dorm room.

The cafeteria was bustling busy when you arrived with Porco. The two of you immediately joined the line for lunch and the muffin. The man was busy babbling about yet another stupid thing that he had done back in high school, but your mind was darted on the muffins that were sold off fast. You looked around and almost everyone you disliked were present – mostly Reiner’s jock friends and their girlfriends. The prospect of one day going public with Reiner and having to spare days in your life to socialize with these loud people made you squirm. Not that you were completely against it, you were just… enormously reluctant to do so. Also, what would they say about you? You barely existed for them, evident by how they just greeted Porco with huge affection, yet pretended like you were invisible despite the fact that you were talking and standing close to him.

Your mind was elsewhere, between eyeing the muffin and managing your detest towards the it crowd, you weren’t even listening to the small talk that Porco was having with some of the jocks, until the mention of your name spilled out of Porco’s mouth, “Hey, have you guys known ___ before?”

You blinked with surprise, and they looked at you unenthusiastically, “Ummm, no?” one of them said.

Porco stared at them in disbelief, as if not knowing you was a big sin, “Get to know then! She’s cool, she’s really into—” but even before Porco could finish his words, they averted their attention elsewhere, pulling out their phone like it was the most important thing in the world, and talked amongst themselves. How fitting, because the first thing they talked about as an excuse for ignoring you was to talk about Reiner, “The captain’s been grumpy. Haha. That man. What’s up with him?” You cringed, because you knew there was no weight in talking about Reiner that must be done at that time, that moment. They just wanted a reason not to be roped into talking to you, obviously because you didn’t think you were cool enough or some other shit excuse only them and their bobbleheads understand. So, conveniently throwing out Reiner’s name was an effective way to basically say ‘haha look at us talking about the coolest guy in the campus so you know we’re in this cool clique unlike you’. You read them too well. You couldn’t even be amused anymore.

Porco looked embarrassed, he smiled at you awkwardly and stayed silent, until one of the girls threw their attention back to the man dirty blond undercut, “Anyway, Porco, do you know Reiner?”

“Ah, I haven’t had the chance to.”

The girl frowned rather dramatically, “Oh my god, we all should totally hang out together with Reiner, right? He’s like—super cool.” her question was obviously in exclusion of you. You rolled your eyes and turned away to see new text from Reiner appearing.

[reiner | 12.15] im going there

[you | 12.16] convenient. right in time. your cool friends are all here and you can sit with them and be cool with them or whatever I guess haha

You immediately pulled your phone to your chest; you could feel your heart thumping. Is this it? Is this it? The question became menacing in your head, because you were not sure on what Reiner was planning to do. The line to the muffin was still far away, and it would be stupid to run away.

[reiner | 12.17] idgaf about em

[reiner | 12.19] i want u

You could hear the girls were still talking about Reiner. Reiner this, Reiner that. You were nowhere to lie that you could feel your chest heat up with annoyance. The way their squeaking voice praised Reiner’s body, Reiner’s personality, Reiner’s wit. For the first time, you knew you were experiencing jealousy, vibrant and up-close.

“You know what? One time, Reiner thought that the way I did my hair was so cute that he wanted—”

Just in time, one of the boys raised his voice, “Oi Reiner!” and in unison the jocks erupted, welcoming his arrival like they were in some goddamn party.

You could see Reiner walking towards the line you were in, his face was hardened and his walk was swift. You immediately turned away to look at the opposite direction, not wanting to see him.

“Yooo Reiner! Where have you been? We’ve missed you dude,” one of them said. You cringed at how they all tried so hard to sound cool, “have you met Porco, by the way? And his friend—”

“—hey, what’s her name again?” one of the girls chimed in, asking Porco instead of asking you directly, as if you were not there. At that point, Reiner was standing not too far behind you, and you pretended like you were too busy with your phone, hoping the floor would engulf you instead.

“Is she like, deaf or something?” the girl whispered to Porco with a jeer, before getting back to Reiner, “So, Rei, I’ve got this party—”

“—yo Capt, do you know that—”

“—have you heard about the news, dude? Like—”

The way all these people tried to suck up to Reiner was so pathetic and incessant, they all chirped like hungry birds all in a matter of couple of seconds. You hated them and you hated the situation.

“—come on, Capt, that would be awesome—”

“—oh my gosh, Rei—”

“—you must try it, Rei—"

“Shut the fuck up,” Reiner said. Rather abruptly. His voice was cold and deep, like he couldn’t give a damn in this world about any of them. Surprised, they all dropped quiet in an instance. You looked over your back at him. Reiner was staring at you, and at you alone, not even at the Jizzhead he had grown to hate so much, “you all talk too fucking much.”

You snorted, suppressing a laughter to escape from your mouth. Clearly, it was too audible, that the girls were now looking at you with complete disdain.

“Babe,” Reiner said, staring at you, while you were still facing the opposite direction, “babe, what are you doing with this Jizzhead here? I can bake you muffins remember? If you want it so much.”

Your surrounding fell deep in silence. Everyone was either confused or surprised. Murmur started to sweep over the crowd, most audible was: ‘Who is Jizzhead?’

You scoffed, finally turning your back, although still closing your mouth trying to prevent the laughter and the embarrassment to display itself.

“What the hell?” one of the girls asked in dismay, obviously she was one of the girls sliding into Reiner’s DM and sending him bikini photos by the pretense of ‘Rei, you should join us for summer holiday!’ when all she wanted to do was to show her tits.

“Shut up,” Reiner said to her, baffling the girl to complete silence, “and stop sending me your beach photos. They’re ugly.”

An uproar of restraint laughter was heard throughout the cafeteria.

“Babe,” Reiner said again, this time extending his arms toward you, gesturing for you to come closer, “now you know why I need you, right? My friends are fucking whack.”

Few laughter was starting to break. Yet Reiner was unfazed.

“Reiner, what—”

“—yo dude, what the hell?

“—who is she?”

“—are they dating?”

“And listen here, you hag,” Reiner now turned his attention to the girl who called you deaf, “she’s got a name. Her name is ___, and she’s my fucking girlfriend.”

Embarrassed yet amused, you finally let out a small chuckle, “Reiner, please you’re humiliating me.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged off. Reiner now turned his attention to Porco, “and listen here you, Jizzhead. You can be nice to her but keep in your fucking mind, she’s mine.”

Without hesitation, Reiner pulled your hand and yanked you closer to him. You stared at him for a second, eyes broadened and heart thumping, “Reiner, what are you gonna do—”

“—shut up.” he said, cupping your face with his gigantic hands, and pulled your face roughly to him, before landing his dry, chapped lips to yours. He had gone sick of pretending, and doing things in secret. So there Reiner Braun was, hungrily, longingly, sloppily devouring your lips with his mouth, so deep, so thirsty of your taste. He finally showed the world who the true owner of his heart was. You.