#who isn't fron my family and thus has np social conditioning to love me
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im going through a lot of new things emotionally for the first time in my life and i dont like it
#for the first time i have friends that i like#for the first time people actively want to hear me out online#for the first time im making the first moves in getting to know amd messaging people#im like abed in geothermal escapism im evolving#i noticed a thing#a thing that i dont understand#i latch onto any person that is nice to me#and i mean it#if our interests match and you're some kind of lesbian i become obsessed#but not with the person#rather with 'are they attracted to me and could i be attracted to them?'#i want to be in love so bad because i want to be kissed and loved and to be able to have this first place unconditional love from someone#who isn't fron my family and thus has np social conditioning to love me#i want to be loved#but its selfish and i cant be loved if i dont return the love#im in love with being loved#because i never was#the person doesn't matter#in total ove chatted to approx. 8 people online in dms in general#and every time i was asking myself (without any knowledge about them) could we fal in love#would they love me? am i in lpve or is it excitement of meeting someone new?#it doesn't help that i feel like a bull in a China shop at all times#like im not being myself like om trying to show only the side of me the other person will like the most#i think the only times where i feel like myself is when im alone#im the light double slit experiment. i behave naturally when unobserved#i cant turn this off man#im so conflicted#i wish i could tell her i like her... but i dont know if that would be true. and anyway#why tell her?#what do i want to change by saying it?
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