#who i want to be forever out of reach like tantalus or something i don't know
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once again thinking about how easy it would be for me to be in a relationship if i was cis
#cis woman cis man either way#dude in the neighborhood has a crush on me telling me i'm beautiful like 'thanks! i will go home and cry now'#i fucking hate being trans i wish i wasn't lol#and sometimes i feel like i can't talk about this anywhere bc in a lot of trans spaces it's like. taboo? to express anything but positivity#as if me being honest about how i feel about myself is somehow how i feel about every single trans person jesus christ but whatever whateve#like listen peace and love but i need you to do me a favor and promise me you will not come at me with any 'transness should be about joy'#i know you mean well i know you're right. but transness for me /is/ pain and sorrow. that's all it's ever caused me my entire life#you have to remember that i'm from rural appalachian tennessee with a transphobic family#some of the most deeply rooted self hating repression for years just for. more honest self hatred#i've never admitted this before but i've considered detransitioning and repressing because of transphobia many times#i'm not brave i'm not strong i'm not trying to make some grand statement or be the voice of a generation. i just want to Be. you know#i just got really really unlucky#but i can't repress. i know that would be even more miserable so i'm just. trapped. forever#who i want to be forever out of reach like tantalus or something i don't know#i want to be loved#or maybe i should just watch the batman again
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