#whivh means 2 things

[lemon-wedges]

....

[asteralpinus]

There, for her; I go.

End of this year. End of an era. End of many things I held dear. Yet I feel no pain at this point. Yet I'm not weeping for them to return. Life is such a funny thing; no matter how predictable it gets, it manages to surprise me.

This day marks a whole year since the given situation back then gave me all the signs that it was giving me Oct through Dec, all at once. Telling me "Move on" "This is the reality" "You need to accept this"... And boy, was I fucking reluctant in accepting them (despite being quite obvious signs). But somehow, I got the disposition to do it. To tell her that it wasn't healthy neither for me nor her to continue living together. And I do regret the fact that I put so much heart into talking it; because none of it worked out in the end... But what is life without some disappointment? Nonetheless, that loss still weights to this day.

Am I sad? Quite. Am I angry? Not so much anymore. Do I regret doing it? I think I don't (or I like to believe it). But regardless of me, the most important impact this choice made is that we're in a more calm state towards each other, and Helena is getting used to it quite quickly (she's too smart and aware for her age lol). That brings some peace of mind. That helps me cope with the whole concept of being single again. Seeing her not affected by this and enjoying the pluses this can bring (2 christmas evenings, for example). I can take that from this experience.

I still find it funny how despite people's opinions on the topic; I defend her because I know that big part of that is my fault and only mine. I acknowledge this with no shame at all. I can even go as far as to tell that I predicted this very event. Yet I knew nothing could be done; so the only thing I could do was to build something in the meantime. Something that could leave a legacy of what once was a youthful and devoted marriage. And I'm very certain that I did... I give up on it knowing that I did the very best that I could and with the best of intentions, both for us as a couple and us as a family.

Helena, you will never read this words becaude you don't even know this page exists; and that's ok. I do this and every move I make since I knew you were going to be part of my life thinking about you and the future I want you to have. The only thing that can make me happier than having live with you and your mother as a family is to see you grow, evolve, and become the woman you want to be; whivh I know will be one that will be happy and proud of being herself, a woman who will have the means and willingness to fulfill every goal she commits to through her entire life. For such future is that I survive everyday, for you and only for you. May this new year bring to you the best of the best. You don't get to be 6 everyday, so make the best of it.

And so I end this rant/moment of clarity. Ever so steeled about going forward. For you, for me (and to some extent, because she's still part of your life; for your mother). 2019 will be a defining year, one that I hope brings for all of us a new direction where we can peacfully share.

Here's to 2019, a year of evolution.