#whispers it's because my adhd makes me not take my depression and anti anxiety meds

[thenorthwomanwitch]

I forgot to take my medication for 1-2 weeks (I don't even remember exactly) and my dumbass decided, this morning, that I'd be TOTALLY FINE taking my FULL DOSE.

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I AM NOT FINE I WANT TO VOMIT

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Circus of Carelessness (Pt.2)

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"What'd you mean? You saw both of us last night didn't you?" Remy said, tilting his head slightly.

"Nope, never met you in my life," Virgil replied, tapping his fingers on the table in front of him. Remy's face fell slightly behind his glasses.

"Well I uh, sorry for bothering you," he said, looking down slightly before walking away.

Virgil sat at his booth, giving out fortunes and talking to the occasional decent costumer.

That night there was no sign of Remy or Remus, so Virgil walked to Drew's cabin alone, took his pills, and fell asleep.

The circus was busy today, spring break had started and parents wanted an excuse to tire their children out before they got to much energy. Virgil didnt mind, he'd sing and dance for the children before showing them card tricks and giving out fortunes. He'd watch their tiny little faces light up with awe at the sparkles and ribbons and showmanship of his act.

But today, today was different. There were children, yes, but there were lots of men in suits and glasses and hats.

One of them approached Virgil's booth, a man with brown eyes that glinted yellow in the light and his hat covering the side of his face.

"Mr. . ." The man stopped to look for a sign of identification.

"Whitlock," Virgil offered.

"Whitlock, yes, I believe you remember me from yesterday? I asked about those two boys?" Said the man, showing Virgil the picture of Remy and Remus.

"I dont recognize them, and I don't recognize you, and I'd appreciate if you'd leave me alone," Virgil said.

"Very well, but I do have a few questions for you first," said the man.

"Fine, ask me your questions," Virgil said, crossing his arms and propping his boots up on the table.

"Can you tell me what your day here usually looks like?" Asked the man, there was a slight glint in his eyes.

"Well I wake up, then I get ready to come here and give out fortunes, then I do aerial performances in the main show, then I come back here, then I go home and take my pills and the Ring Master or one of my uncles takes me back to my cabin to sleep," Virgil said, as though he'd told this story a thousand times.

The man raised an eyebrow at him "And what kinds of pills are you taking?" He asked.

"Anti-depressants, birth control, anxiety medication, and sleeping pills," Virgil stated.

The man's eyes went wide "what do these sleeping pills look like exactly?" He pressed.

"They're sort of a pinkish color, I put them in my water before I take any of my other meds and I use that water to take them," Virgil said.

"Can you tell me more about these uncles of yours? How many are there? Where do they come from?" The man said.

"Oh they're not really my uncles, I just call them that because it's easier than learning there names, they've been helping the current Ring Master and his father take care of me since I got dropped here when I was seven," Virgil said, pausing to take a breath "they dont do much, they're in the shows of course but they mostly work as clowns or do the concession stands, though sometimes there'll be uncles that come from somewhere else," he finished.

"And what about this memory loss of yours, do you know what might be causing that?" Said the man.

"Its probably an ADHD or anxiety thing, isnt memory loss supposed to be common with those?" Virgil responded.

The man merely nodded and walked away. A few moments later Drew had run up to Virgil's booth, yelling at him about talking to people who were clearly not to be trusted and asking what all he told them.

That night Drew wasnt at his cabin, instead three of Virgil's uncles had come to visit him, Virgil took his pills and he went to bed, closing his eyes and hoping whatever was going on would be over by tomorrow.

It was about three in the morning when a chorus of sirens broke out over the cabins and tents. Virgil jolted awake, pulling his sleeping mask off and peaking through the window. He barely had time to register what was going on before he felt an arm around his waist, and felt something slip over his mouth. He tried to struggle against it, but he was much to tired at that point.

He woke up in a place he didnt recognize, laying on a cot in a dark room. He sat up and looked around, all that was there was a closet containing his work costume, his binder, a few t-shurts, and a few jeans; as well as a table with a lamp on it, a bookshelf, and a chair.

Virgil stood up and walked to the door, pulling on it in an attempt to get it to open.

"That wont work," the voice of the man from earlier sounded from under the door.

"Where am I! I havent done anything wrong! Let me out!" Virgil said, banging his fist on the door.

"You're not in jail, you're being kept here for your safety, the Ring Master of your circus, Drew Clairmont, as well as these uncles you've referenced, have been making and distributing illegal drugs, those things you call 'sleeping pills' are actually memory altering, and meant to make you forget specific occurrences, it's likely that these uncles were there to tell you exactly who and what to forget before you woke up," Virgil stepped back from the door, eyes wide.

"You'll be here for a few weeks, it seems as though you've had them in your system for nearly fifteen years, much longer than the other members of your circus," said the man.

"So what's going to happen when I get out? Huh? Where are you gonna take me?" Virgil said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Once you're better you'll have free range of Remy and Remus' house, they've offered to let you stay for as long as you need," said the man.

"I dont remember who those are!" Virgil said, he was shaking, his legs felt numb.

"Let me handle this Jan," Remy's voice sounded from beside the door. The door opened and he stepped inside, taking Virgil's hands in his own.

"Follow my breathes Virgil, you're going to be ok, we're going to help you," Remy said, Virgil merely listened for his breathing patterns, watched his chest rise and fall and followed along.

"There we go, now it's late, you should get back to bed," Remy drowned Virgil's protests out with soft whispers as he lay him back onto the bed, running his fingers through Virgil's soft hair, singing quiet lullabies until Virgil was fast asleep.

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Tag list:

@meowthefluffy

@thecolorfulolive

@spooky-scary-virgil

@youtuberswithalex

@misunderstoodshadowling

@nerosdayinhell

@fangirlfiles1

[andbeingblueisbetter]

It’ll Be Okay.

Brendon helps the reader when they’re feeling suicidal? Sorry but I kinda need this atm.

Warnings: obviously mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety. IF ANY OF THIS MAY TRIGGER YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS!

If any of you are ever depressed, suicidal, or struggling in anyway, talk to somebody. Talk to me, a parent, a friend, a teacher, anybody. You ARE worth it. Your life IS worth living. You ARE loved. 1-800-273-8255 is the suicide hotline if you need it.

Numb. That was the only word to describe how you were feeling. It was almost as if you had cried all of the tears out of your body and felt all of the emotions your body could feel, and now they were gone. You had used up all the happy, all of the love, all of the anger, the sad, and finally, the hardest, all of the fear. Because now you were really going to do it. You were going to do the thing you had thought about doing numerous times before. You were going to kill yourself.

You sat on your bed, your legs crossed with a pen in your hand, scribbling words onto a notebook for Brendon to read. He was at the studio and you knew he wouldn’t be back for a while. He was the only reason you hadn’t done it yet. You didn’t want to hurt him, and truly, you were happy when you were with him. He made you laugh, he made you feel beautiful, he made you feel. But you didn’t think that was enough anymore.

Brendon. My love. My beautiful husband and best friend. I’m so sorry I did this to you. But please know that I’m happier now. And I want you to move on, find someone who can love you more than I can, somebody who isn’t as messed up as me. I don’t want you to be too hurt B. Just please, don’t forget me. I love you so much.

Y/n.

You sigh as you set the pen down on the notebook, pushing it onto the bed gently, careful not to crinkle the paper at all. You knew the note was short and all over the place and probably wasn’t all that coherent, but you didn’t know what you were even thinking at the moment. Your brain wasn’t even working.

You stand up from the bed and walk to your bathroom, opening up the medicine cabinet, grabbing various medication bottles and examining them. ADHD meds of Brendon’s, some of your own sleeping pills, and an anti-depressant. You grabbed the bottles and sat on the closed toilet seat, pouring a large amount of each pill into your hand, your eyes beginning to tear up as you watched the pills fall into your hand. You heart begins to race as you stare at the pills. You were going to do it.

A few moments later you hear the front door open and the sound of Brendon’s voice, “Y/n! I’m home! The studio power went out so we got sent home, I brought you food though it’s—“ he cut himself off once he reached the end of the hallway and saw you sat on the toilet, tears on your face with a handful of pills ready to be taken. He just stares at you for s seconds, dumbfounded at what he was seeing.

“Baby...” He whispers, walking forward you reach into your hand to grab the pills. You don’t even resist, you just begin to sob as he takes the pills, pulling you off the toilet and into his lap.

He opens the lid to the toilet and throws the pills in, flushing them as he holds your shaking body, rubbing your back. Neither of you notice, but he’s crying as well, because what if he didn’t come home? What if he was still at the studio?

After what felt like hours of your crying, you finally calmed down, still in his arms.

“W—Why?” He asked you quietly, his voice shaking.

You were quiet. You didn’t really know why. “I feel like I’m a waste of space. Like nobody really needs me and what’s the point of me being alive then.” You mumble, rubbing your eyes and shaking your head. “I’m sorry.” You whisper, beginning to stand up from his lap.

“Let me tell you this. You are the furthest thing from a waste of space on this earth. You are a kind, beautiful, talented piece of art. You were put on this earth for a reason Y/n. You’re so amazing. You’re so funny and I’m so, so grateful to be married to you. I literally don’t know what I would do without you,” his voice breaks, “I don’t know if I could survive with out you. You’re the reason I get out of bed everyday. I love you so much Y/n and you deserve to be alive.” He finishes, giving you a soft kiss on your forehead.

“I’m sorry I was gonna do it.” You whisper and lean your forehead against his chest.

“Maybe we can get you some professional help. Somebody better than me.” Brendon suggests, and you nod against his chest, “Right now, okay?” He finishes off and you continue to nod, feeling him to begin to stand up underneath you.

“Thank you, Brendon.” You say quietly, standing up with him.

I’m sorry this isn’t great and also isn’t very long. It was super hard to write because I went through a similar situation. I’m also on a new medication that makes me feel weird so I’m gonna blame that too :)

[oliverwithoutthetwist]

Physical and Mental - agony - (warning: suicidal thoughts)

Hello again, my for all eternity deserted friend

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This post will be long as hell and (WARNING) it includes various depression filled and suicidal thoughts

Topics: Current appearance . Others’ perception . Romance. Agony . Physical pain . Suicidal Ideation . Loneliness . Family

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1- Mirror Selfie above

Torso- This was the first time I found a mirror that allowed me to capture more than just the face (in a way that everything is sort of visible and I’m not just a faraway being). The legs are not present but I’ll find a way to reveal them along side the rest of my prison-like body somehow. I want to have everything clear on record.

Face- My features here reveal the facial expression I tend to make when anxious and paranoid. Note: Currently, I’m always anxious and paranoid when I leave my flat, afraid of being “discovered” as a “fraud”. Continuing, after analyzing the image, I now understand why strangers see me as a lost child. Imagine the person in the pic above being 5ft (my embarrassing height) and standing uncomfortably on the underground station platform. Yes...

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2- Agonizing reality

12 year old look- Yes, I do look like a 12(hope not less)-14 (at max) boy when walking alone down the street. And, let me tell you, this thing of looking like a child was sort of fun at first but, now, it has proven to be a struggle. 

The stares- I can’t drink or smoke in public comfortably like i used to. People glare now, whisper between themselves, laugh and sometimes comment (rather loudly) when seeing me engage in adult behaviors, behaviors that merely consist in me hanging out with my young adult friends. “Adult” like me.

Romance- The universe, currently, does not allow me to be with anyone romantically. A bloke my age, or even 5 years younger, would automatically pass as a pedophile if he did has much as hold my hand with other people around. No 20 something year old wants to be seen as a pervert, someone who wishes to #!% little children. This is indeed understandable, I wouldn’t want to be perceived as that as well. 

Pedophiles- 50plus year old repulsive men are the only ones who seem to want to (or actually do so) approach me with the intent of having “sexual relations”. With me, the lost and innocent looking young boy. I never knew this to be so common. It’s terrifying.

Nighttime stroll- I used to sometimes enjoy walking back towards my flat instead of taking the tube, especially when the moon is high. I don’t do that anymore though. It has become dangerous. The reasons: 1- Looking as young as I do, and being in the street alone after the sun sets,  I am now the perfect and rather easy to capture prey for the so called “pedo” to attack. 2- I’ve been called a “faggot” two times now (note: my gay friends have never been insulted like that). “I guess” no “straight” young teen dresses like I do so I am, automatically to the ignorant human, a miniature “roostersucker” and this can actually lead to a group of neanderthals beating the shit out of me. When having that appearance, a person is indeed an easy target. Note: I actually live in, what’s considered to be, a safe country. These things still happen though and not that rarely. 3 (worse scenario)- Ok. Imagine this: there I go, down the street, no sunlight, looking like a young boy when suddenly a breeze opens my loose fitting jacket to reveal a previously hidden female body. Just a quick look and I’m suddenly discovered by a transphobe as a “fake” male, a “freak”, a trans person. This is horrifying. I’ve read/know of testimonies by trans blokes (mostly pre-t) who were beat up rather violently or/and raped with the excuse of it being an attempt to help them, to cure their “disease”.

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I’m in hell

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3- Suicidal Ideation has returned

Lately, I keep thinking about the various boxes of prescription pills that are hidden in my wardrobe. 

Swallowing, about 5 by 5, of my rather strong anti-depressants until there’s nothing left. And then, adding to the mix, my mood stabilizers. 

This is sure to provoke an effect on the body.

Short story- Before coming out, and after I started meds,  I went on a google quest to know how many boxes of pills (the specific ones I take) would kill me. I still have, in my macbook, a document that holds that information. 

The ultimate swallowing of all my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers has yet to happen though. I like to plan things, to make sure I’ll be successful while doing them, so I did my research and found cases of people who tried suicide by prescription drugs and ended up not being able to perform the simplest of tasks and requiring the assistance of others to go through life, their body and movement ability destroyed. When reading this, I became terrified of surviving the attempt and not even being physically able to repeat it. The body that has brought me so much misery over the years would become not only the prison that has always been but also a bloody straight jacket. And this would be my life, until fate decided its end. 

Short fact- Before coming out (early October), after years of research, I had finally found a flawless way of suicide (an “exotic” and not well known way). The Holy Grail. I will not reveal what it is. I don’t wish for anyone to find it and swallow "the thing” because of me and the information I have provided here. That being said, this “thing” was being sold on a website (for other purposes, so completely legal) but it was temporarily unavailable. You had the option of sending them your email in order to receive a notice when “the thing” was back in stock. I did that and I did receive a message. It was at the end of November that they announced its availability. I deleted this announcement. Curiously enough, I had just come out and, for the first time, I was excited to be alive and to see what the future would bring. 

The excitement has now vanished. Reality has hit. I used to be fully accepted when I was hidden inside the character I had created as means of survival, a fake individual who caused me excruciating pain. Years of self harm accompanied me through out. Quick note: I will, later on, share my experience on the subject. Continuing, hiding misery did in fact provide me with being accepted by others. I’m not saying my friends (for example) are transphobic. What I’m saying is that real life, in its total, is a lot harder now. But I will not go back to how it was before. I can’t do it. No way. Even, going out of the flat without a binder makes me feel so anxious that my breathing stops working properly. Yes, going back is not an option at this point.

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4- Physical pain

Binder- I’ve recently shared here the physical pain I’ve been experiencing due to overwearing my binder. The chest area does not hurt but my back does, a lot. The pain is so bad that I’m only able to sleep due to extreme exhaustion. I might be tired but my back will keep me awake until, hours later, I simply pass out. I’ve been experiencing this for over a week now. Sometimes it goes away and I think it’s over but it comes back and is horrible.

Heavy head and lost of balance- I have a lot of important and unavoidable things to take care of at the moment. I’m bloody anxious as hell. I have ADHD, which makes this all outstandingly overwhelming and confusing. I’m trying to keep myself focused and I don’t take any meds for it. After my diagnose, I chose not to (I was taking 4 pills a day at the time and didn’t want to add more to my daily breakfast routine). . . . All this to say that, today, my head suddenly turned heavy. It’s difficult to describe actually. Let me try. Imagine your head being somehow pulled by a strong rubber band. That’s it, that’s how I can describe it. I apologize, I can’t find better words for it. But yes, the “heavy sensation” made me believe my head was tilted to the left without my control when, in fact, it was straight. This belief made me experience difficulty with walking. All day, I had to concentrate really hard in order to not appear drunk or high. I’ve heard of this before, this happening due to anxiety, but I had never experienced it first hand. 

Panic attack- Adding to all this, I had a day filled with sudden issues! 1-I opened a new bank account with my new ID but, due to an error, the guy found out my name used to be *insert birth name here* and stopped referring to me as “son” and started treating me as “miss”, even though my ID says MALE. 2-Again, stares and laughs at the little boy who thinks he’s all grown up. 3-Pain and lost of balance 4-Panic attack (a strong as shit one). 5-My friends are suddenly not open to let me share my troubles (these are the people who have always criticized me for not talking to them about my personal issues). Ex: friend: “Are you ok?”, me “uh... not really. I just had a panic attack and basically spent the last hour attempting to breathe, screaming and sobbing”, friend: “...”, friend 2: “This is the best chicken ever. Oh! I have a new crush.” 6- I left my ID inside a taxi. The taxi driver was horrible to me the whole trip. When I went to pay, I gave him money and told him he didn’t have to give me the change. Due to the head heaviness thingy, I was desperate to go to my room and lie down. The thing is: I was so confused with my surroundings, that I let my wallet fall when I got up to leave. I was quick to notice I had left it there though. I shouted in despair towards the guy, telling him “wait!”. He actually noticed me but still drove off. I tried to run and place myself in front of the car to force him to stop but failed to do so. The driver left with my wallet. I thought I had been saved when my landlord and neighbor called me. I looked to see him looking through his window and, after noticing my attempt to reach the taxi, he memorized the license plate. I was saved! Not. I called all my city’s taxi companies and the guy’s car didn’t belong to any of them. They said he must be an independent taxi driver. He’s registered though, his car had everything to be official. There’s a company that controls all of it but they did not pick up my phone call. I had to send an email. So, my ID is basically gone (the ID I spent extra money so I could have it as quickly as possible, the ID I went to pick up yesterday, the ID that made me almost cry from joy and relief). If they do reply and contact the driver, he will probably deny having the wallet. It’s not because of money, I didn’t have any, only enough for the taxi drive. He didn’t have anything to steal. The bank card inside was old and had already been canceled. I only need my ID! My precious baby! The driver treated me like shit, he’s not going to be kind enough to report the missing item. He probably just threw it away. Where I live, that’s actually a crime. You have 7 days to report a lost ID. He can always say another passenger took it. . . Right! My baby is gone and I can’t do things grown ups do anymore. 7- Oh yes, my macbook charger suddenly broke and it’s expensive as hell. FMbloodyL

Anyway...

Status: I’m uncomfortable as hell! I’m a mess, mentally and physically. This day was... so many things... It’s surreal! 

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5- Loneliness

I started this blog as a way to make a record of my transition. I was hoping (and still sort of am) for, one day, to look at it again and see all the steps it took in order to achieve my life changing transformation and personal accomplishments. 

Not only that, it was also something for my friends to check from time to time so they could understand my situation a bit better and accompany me when I leave this city (not long now). They were actually the ones who asked excitedly if they could follow me. Yet, they did not. I don’t think they ever even visited the link I gave them. 

Another thing I thought would be nice was chatting with other fellow transgenders and share deep thoughts or just have a nice chat. This didn’t happen though. I sent some messages to tumblr bloggers I found to be interesting. They answered me, very nicely. But they ended up ignoring the message I sent afterwards. I swear to the bloody stars that I wasn’t offensive in any way. 

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6- Parents

My parents (and brother) still don’t know

They’re blind as hell 

They care

They just don’t see 

They’ve always pushed aside the emotional aspects of life

They’re good people

But they simply prefer to ignore deeper issues 

It’s not their fault

It’s how they were raised

And, consequently, it’s how I was raised too

It’s how I learned to also ignore those issues and live in bloody agony all this time

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Conclusion:

I’m alone

[ecotone99]

[SF] End of Days

Is it Day 430 or is it 431 ? I don’t remember anymore . I don’t even recognize myself as I look at my reflection in the dirty mirror. My Beard long and over grown. Circles under my eyes darker then ever. But my necklaces. Still silver given to me by my parents. My Parents. My Family. I think about them all the time I hope they made it out alright. It all happened so fast but now The days seem to blend together. The bottles in the sink are empty . My medicine . it’s kept me sane for many years. At 13 I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD. I’m basically a human acronym. I’ve battled this for most of my life but nothings prepared me for this. I haven’t been off my meds for longer then 2 days. It’s currently day 20. I’m slowly losing touch with reality. But No one can know . I can’t let them know. I’m the leader .

I hear a knock on the door.

Are you ready to go - Maria says as she pokes her head in

Yes one second - I reply

Maria and her daughter lucia are my sanity. They keep me going. Since the day I met them I promised I would keep them safe at any cost.

As I leave my room and walk through the house I kiss Maria goodbye and get into the old pick up truck parked outside

This is Risky . I don’t like this - JR Says as we drive.

I know but we’ve been scouting this for weeks, it’s a quick in and out. Get what we can and get out. We don’t want to get caught at night - I respond

Well hell I’ve been waiting to kill some of these zombies for a while now- Ricky Says as he cocks his gun

Calm down killer that’s not the only thing we have to look out of for, I saw a few bikers in the area a few days ago - Jr warns us

*The bikers. Gangs of bikers took over soon after society broke down. Killing , robbing, you name it. They work with the big community’s to keep them afloat . Selling drugs , Guns , Women, Children. They are worse then the dead. They are Ruthless .

We finally drive up to the strip mall. We are here for one reason. The Pharmacy. Possibly the last one for 20 miles.

The spoils of valhalla await - Ricky’s says as we sit in the trunk and watch the dead slowly approach us.

Calm down Thor . No guns unless we have to , can’t spare the bullets. We get this score and we can make our move to willstown.- I say

And that means we are one step closer to safety - Jr says cheerfully

*** safety. A repurposed cruise ship transporting Us Survivors to the US embassy in London. We first heard the broadcast while we were at the farm. The voice said they come every 3 months on the first of the month at the crack of dawn to Bayonne New Jersey at the port. They stay for two hours and then take off.

Safety oooo sweet safety, we heard that broadcast once at the farm and that was almost three months ago. It’s been radio silence since then. You want us to risk our lives on a pipe dream - Ricky mocks JR

Who thought the jersey shore would be the last safe spot in the county - Jr laugh

Enough. Let’s keep it focused. let’s get in and out - I say sternly

We Get out of the car. And walk to the front of the pharmacy. Jr Stabs a zombie in the head and Ricky kills another .

The Doors are locked

Damn - I say under my breath

I got it - Ricky says as he takes a Bobby pin out of his pocket and picks the lock.

Bingo ! Ricky says as he opens the door.

We Walk into the Pharmacy and it’s untouched. I’ll hit the medicine. Ricky first aid and supplies . Jr batteries anything like that we need a lot - I say as we spread out through the aisles

The only thing moving in the store besides us is the dust that’s been gathering for 431 days.

I reach the back of the store and find all the medicine and start putting bottles of Pills into my bad

Xanax . OxyContin , percasets , antibiotics. Just what the doctor ordered.

Pills and bullets. The new currency. The dollar bill isn’t worth much now a days Here Thor, for your troubles - I say as I toss Ricky a Bottle of pain pills

To the victor goes the spoils - Ricky smirks as he opens the bottle and swallows A pill.

I roll my eyes and get back to looking through the bottles.

I stumble upon the anti depressants. Perfect

I only get a few bottles before I hear motorcycle engines getting closer and closer Shit, get down -JR whispers

Everyone behind here now- I say as I motion to the them to get behind the pharmacy counter Look what we got here some fresh meat. - the bikers laugh as they cut down some of the dead and walk up to our pick up truck.

The bikers are big, rugged, and armed with some heavy duty guns.

We got you surrounded boys come Out now. you don’t want a fight - the biker pleads to us as he peeks his head and shotgun through the open pharmacy door.

There’s about 50 feet between us and them but it feels

What’s the play here - JR says to us

The back doors locked they can’t get in through there. were gonna have to fight this one out . - I answer

I saw 5 total. 3 in the front, the other two must have went around back . - Ricky says as he peers over the counter

A few tense seconds go by as we’re trying to think of a plan but it’s too late .

That’s it times up! the biker yells as he walks in the to the store

Fuck you !!! - Ricky screams back and begins to fire.

Bullets start flying . Everyone is shooting .

Jr goes around the counter into the aisle .

We are pinned down pretty good.

I’ve been saving this for a rainy day- Ricky says as he pulls out a Gernade.

Are you insane you’ll kill us all!?!? - i exclaim

What’s life with out a little risk- he looks at me and laughs

The back and forth Shooting continues .

Bullets wiz by us

It’s happening again. My breathing is getting shallow. I’m having a panic attack. Get it together man I tell myself. It’s too late. I clench my chest with my hand Because it feels like heart is beating out of it . Hands are shaking , my vision is going in and out.

Cover me- Ricky yells as he pops up shooting

I didn’t hear him.

It all happens in slow motion, I see a bullet go right through his head as his blood splatters the untouched pill bottles on the shelves. His body drops to the ground. the grenade rolls in front of me

It’s so surreal, I’m just staring at Ricky’s Body as the blood pools around him.

Nooooo!!! - Jr screams The sheer terror and pain in His voice snap me back to reality. I pick the grenade up, pull the pin, and throw it to the front of the store.

Get down !!!!! The Biker yells

Seconds later a loud explosion.

Body parts of the living and dead fly across the pharmacy. There’s blood everywhere. The dead start coming in through the hole in the front of the building

My ears Are ringing , I’m disoriented.

I manage to get up and see the two other bikers entering through the front and they are about to move on JR .

I fire and hit both of them. They both go down screaming in pain.

Please kill me - one of the bikers says to me as I walk past him to JR. I’ve never killed a man before. Killing the dead is different. Who am I to take another mans life. I just look at him.

JR we have to go now- I say as I pick him up

We run to Rickys body, pick him up and run out the building.

Start the van NOW! I scream as I’m laying Ricky’s body in the back of the truck.

I realize I forgot the backpacks. We need these supplies. I make a run for it. Stabbing the dead in the head as they get close to me .

The dead are starting to swarm , hitting the van and consuming the dead bikers.

WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW- Jr shouts as he shoots the some of the dead trough the open drivers window.

I get the backpacks and I hear the screams from the two bikers as they are eaten alive by the dead. It’s a hard sight to watch. I make it out of the pharmacy and jump in the back of the truck and Jr drives off .We sit in silence.I try to catch my breath and process what happened. But I can’t focus. I see Ricky’s lifeless body laying next to me

Death. Something I’ve been a afraid of for the past 10 years. Something I fear everyday . My illness takes away my denial of death and it consumes my Mind . Now I am surrounded by death it’s everywhere and unavoidable. Without the medicine to keep my serotonin flowing I have to rely on myself to keep my Mind sane and today I let my guard down for a split second. my illness took over filled my body and mind with panic and fear. Because of me Ricky paid the ultimate price. I dig through my bag and find the antidepressants. I take out the pills and swallow them. Sweet nectar I say to myself . Sanity it. Should return soon.

I just stare in to the fields as we drive.** We finally make it back to camp.

Maria and josh come out to greet us . But they see the somber look on our faces

And their expressions quickly change.

We take Ricky’s body out and I can see the tears in their eyes . It’s hard on all of us.

What what happened - josh stutters .

We got Ambushed, a biker gang must have seen us and followed us in. - JR

It’s getting dark. Josh and I walk into the back and dig in silence.

It’s tough burying a good friend. Even tho it’s been a few months it felt like an eternity. I feel for josh the most he was with Ricky before all this. JR and I met them at a small survivors camp in Florida we instantly connected and we’ve been together ever since. Before we found Maria. But I’ll get into that later.

Well that’s 6ft- josh said as he put his hand over his face to wipe his brow.

I’ll get the others - mike

Maria, JR, Lucia it’s time to say goodbye- mike

Josh and I lay Ricky in the grave with a few of his belongings. His gun and a picture of him and his family.

Everyone takes turns telling stories and good memories they had . And it came to me.

Ricky , I’m sorry. I wish I could have done more. We will continue in your honor, this will not be in vain.

I could feel The heat of Jrs gaze. He was there he knows the truth. I wonder if he will say something .

Everyone goes in except for josh.

I need a minute - he says to me

I’m sorry man , take all the time you need . Get ready for tomorrow we need you sharp. - I say as I put my arm around him

We all meet in the kitchen.

We need to leave in the morning- I say to everyone.

It’s a two days drive to willstown. Once we get there we should be safe. Then we have about 5 days before the ship arrives in Bayonne. And according to this Bayonne is about 50 miles from willstown- JR says as he pulls out a map

The broadcast said they come every 3 months on the first . They that’s in 8 days. We are cutting it close - Jr says to us with concern .

I know that’s why we can’t miss this one . It was 3 months before this broadcast . We’re barely holding on as it is . It’s now or Never - I say

Mikes right, we’ve Scavenged almost every building in a 20 mile radius and the bikers are getting closer and closer . It’s time to move on - JR says

Agreed - josh

And with everything we got today and the past few weeks we should be fine - Maria says.

As Jr and josh go into their rooms. Maria put Lucia to bed and then comes into my room.

I can’t watch anymore people die - Maria cries as she puts her head on my Chest

I know. I know. But we need to make it for those we lost- I say as I try to console her.

Maris continues to cry as I rub her back and she eventually falls asleep.

I hate this . Alone with my thoughts. the meds wont kick In anytime soon . I’m stuck with my darkest thoughts until then

I’m finally drifting off to sleep.

Cover me- Ricky

Go now- mike

I lay down fire and we take out the gang .

I awake in a cold sweat. The dreams are getting more vivid every night. My brain is rotting away . I’m slowing slipping into insanity.

Michael Michael -Lucia says as she shakes me awake .

I jump up, in a cold sweat and then I see it’s Lucia, I have my pistol clenched under my pillow

What’s wrong - Lucia asks

Nothing I just had a bad dream come here sleep with your mom - I say as I put her in the bed and go to the couch.

It’s morning .

Alright alright everyone let’s go - Jr exclaims

I’m wide awake I haven’t slept at all I’m just replaying Ricky’s death in my mind.

Come on Lucia let’s get ready for an adventure- Maria

Lucia Jumps into her moms arms and they go outside .

I can’t believe we leaving - josh

I laugh .

I know this decrypted house served us well. - me

We get in the truck It’s all loaded and ready to go.

Between the 5 of of us we have 3 days food and water. A huge cache of medicine and medical supplies , 6 guns . 4 pistols , two military issue machine guns,

The dead start coming out of the fields it’s time to go. we set off and drive .

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