#while cross will always be my number one pathetic meow meow | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yunhoiseyecandy · 4 years ago

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✕ 𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞; 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐬

✕ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭

✕ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠; 𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧!𝐬𝐚𝐧 ◆ 𝐟.𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

✕ 𝐰/𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭; 𝟒.𝟒𝐤

✕ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬; 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤, 𝐧𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞

[𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭] @tinkerbellwoo , @galaxteez

─────

you never really knew what to do or how to feel when you got cheated on. because no matter how many times it happened, you always found yourself crying about it, feeling more than pathetic about yourself and how much better you could’ve done.

the first time it happened, you remember the pain that ripped through your chest when you saw your now ex-boyfriend screwing one of your co-workers on your freshly bought couch.

you didn’t know how to react, the woman’s eyes wide with fear and confusion as she covered herself with the blanket next to her, the man you once loved pulling his clothes back on as rushed words came out of his mouth in a panic.

“t-this isn’t what it looks like, baby.”

“I love you so much,”

you laugh thinking about how stupid he sounded when he spoke to you, your hands balled up in fists at how much anger was coursing through your body.

now that you think about it, never in your life have you felt such rage and confusion cloud your mind. you’ve always been more of a calm person, only ever acting out when something really hurt your feelings.

but the moment you saw the woman on your bed, in your house, you knew he had to go.

and as soon as the girl put her clothes back on after telling seonghwa that she’ll call him later, all hell was released when the door closed behind her.

you ran back to the room you used to share with him, multiple trash bags in hand as you filled them up with his belongings. you didn’t care about if they were fragile or not, walking with a calm expression on your face while you tossed the bags out the front door, pointing at it to tell him to go out with them.

-flashback-

“y/n, listen to me,” seonghwa said as he ran after you, tears welling his eyes. you didn’t care what he had to say, appalled at his actions and not being able to look at him without feeling like you had to throw up.

you scoffed, “no, I don’t want to hear your sorry excuse. get out before I call the cops and have you arrested for trespassing,”

tossing the last bag out the door you stood back with your arms crossed, waiting for him to leave. “baby, it was just once. I-I don’t even know her-”

“and you expect me to forgive you? once or not, seonghwa, what you did was wrong. I’ll never forgive you for that.”

tears were now streaming down his face, and you struggled to hold back your own. “out. now.”

-end of flashback-

that was the last you heard from him, soon finding out from a friend that he had moved away to try out for a company he wanted to join.

“what an asshole,” your friend lily had said as you told her the story before shoving a french fry in her mouth, “you deserve better.”

you laughed at her, nodding your head and looking out the wind. it was a beautiful day, the autumn leaves falling off the trees and onto the brown grass, and your hand came up to feel the glass and check if it was still cold outside.

your fingers grazed the window, and that alone was enough to tell you that you had to get home before the measly little sweater you had thrown on this morning could no longer protect you from the piercing wind.

“I should get home, it feels like it’s getting colder outside by the minute.” you said, shoving your card into the little slot on the check holder.

lily smiled, “yeah, we probably should. we should go out more often, though. I’ve missed you so much.”

and you’d missed her just as much, even though she could be a pain in the ass sometimes.

you had just recently gotten back from a trip to california, and it’s been almost two years since you’ve seen lily in all her sweet, yet somewhat annoying glory.

you still loved her, nonetheless, always wondering how she’d had the patience to put up with all of your emotional baggage. she’s been there since day one, giving you advice on relationships and how to cope with losing one.

she’s always been a people person, too. so it made sense that she had lots of other friends, but she always made it a point to come right back to you.

and you’ll always cherish her for that

you took one last sip of your juice before standing up after the waiter had come back with your card, slipping it in your wallet and hugging lily.

“jesus, y/n. it’s not like I’m leaving forever,” she giggled when you squeezed her so hard it was making it a challenge to breathe. “I know, it’s just been so fucking long.” you sighed.

stepping back, your hands made sweater paws to keep them warm before making your way outside, regretting not bringing anything as soon as the wind made your teeth shatter.

you really should’ve brought a coat with you

—

walking down the dark, peaceful streets of new york you counted every pavement your feet stepped on, hands clutching your purse as your tongue swiped over your chapped lips.

you always preferred night over day, the hot and annoying sun that made your skin blister bound to make you favor the cold and silent time of day.

and the same went for the sun and moon, the way the stars always managed to catch your eyes whenever you had just gotten back from work.

you never really got how some people were scared or fearful of the darkness, because you had always managed to find beauty in it, calmness.

the way your mind cleared while you watched the sun set, the oh so beautiful moon soon rising and making you forget that you weren’t the only person in the world.

you weren’t at all surprised when you ran into a street light in front of you, arms reaching out to grab onto anything to hold yourself up from falling.

but as soon as you felt two arms wrap around your body, the warmth from the person's chest easing the coldness that ran through you, all the worries that ran through your mind were put to ease.

“you should be more careful next time, sweetheart,” the man said, his deep and rough voice sending alarm bells through you. and the more his grip around your fram tightened as he brought you closer to him, you could smell alcohol in his breath.

you were shaking as you spoke to him, your voice coming out more like a squeak than you would’ve liked. “s-sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going,”

the man chuckled, “yeah, you should. how about you give me your phone number to return the favor?” his sentence came out more like a statement than a question, and you noted the way his eyes were hazy as he cocked his neck to the side.

you gently removed his arms from around you, standing back and wrapping your own around your frame.

he’s drunk, y/n. just do whatever he says

you smiled politely, sticking out your hand. “okay, fine. that’s the least I could do, right?” you said, and you could tell by the way his eyebrows flew up that he didn’t expect for you to actually agree.

he smirked, “damn, I really got your number, huh?” he stepped forward and wrapped his arms back around your waist, tucking his head in the crook of your neck. “why don’t you come back to my place, hm? I’d love to see how good your body is underneath this sweater..”

your hands were pressed up against his chest, pushing him slightly as you leaned back away from him. “sorry, I’m busy tonight.”

in the moment your eyes flickered over his face you watched his pupils dilate and his eyes flash purple. you could tell something was wrong with him, his jaw clenching as his breathing got more and more ragged by the second.

“don’t be such a bitch, y/n.”

your eyes went wide, reflexes kicking in and you kneed him in the crotch and ran. your breathing was shallow as you looked back at him, heart feeling like it was going to burst out of your chest.

how did he know your name?

your head turned back around and you saw the porch light of your house, hands struggling to get your keys out of your back pocket. they fumbled and tears rolled down your cheeks and onto your lips. you could taste them as you shoved the key into the lock and pushed the door open, legs sinking down to the ground as your breath evened out.

you’re safe now. your hands ran through your knotted hair and your chest heaved up and down. time seemed to stop when you made your way to your bedroom, hands moving to push the curtain open and check if he was out there.

you sighed in relief when he wasn’t, and you felt something soft brush up against your leg.

“oh, penny,” her tongue felt like sandpaper as she licked you, and it made goosebumps spread over your body.

she meowed, and you took that as a reminder that it was time to feed her again. her legs stretched out in front of her while she watched you, eyes following your every move while you poured water in her bowl.

you giggled, “ya know what? I think you deserve something a little extra today,” you layed out some catnip on a plate, “I think you’ll like this.”

the little bell on her collar rang throughout your quiet apartment as she ran towards you, meows of approval coming out of her when she realized what you’d given her.

“at least I know one of us had a good day,”

-san’s pov-

“listen here, you fucker,” he spat out at the man underneath him, anger coursing through his veins. “if I see you even look at her again I’ll-”

“you’ll what, kill me?” the man cut him off as he chuckled. san knew nothing about this situation was funny, and he also knew that the guy didn’t care if he lived past this or not.

san had been following you for a while now, watching over you to make sure no one would try and get to you before he did. he needed you for a thing that was more important than something that would only last a year, and that something would save not only him, but everything he loved.

so he took pride in protecting you, soon learning little quirks and habits you tended to do. but he knew that falling in love with you would only make things worse for him, as his chances to even succeed at his plan were slim already.

you were important, more than important, actually. you had such a bright and healthy soul, and it was extremely rare to find one in as good as a condition as yours. yours had the power to save life itself, and san needed it so bad.

he knew what he was doing was selfish, but he didn’t care. I mean, after all, san didn’t have a soul himself.

his hands moved from the man's collar to his neck, eyes flashing red and the man's smile fell from his face. “fucking hell, you’re one of them, aren’t you?”

san smirked, “a blood vessel? damn right, and you know exactly what that means,” he knew exactly what the man was thinking, and he had to hold back the urge to laugh right then and there.

in the demon realm, there are three types of vessels. there’s the shadow’s, light’s, and blood’s, which is what san was. if you were a blood, it meant that you not only had a say over what the other vessels were able to do, but you were also able to kill freely if needed.

and right now, san holding down this shadow, he knew it was one of those times.

his movements were swift and steady as he choked the man, his hands wrapped firmly around his neck while he peered down at him.

“your kind will soon learn what it feels like to rot in hell, and it makes me sick to think about how you used to rule the place I call home.”

one last shaky breath left the man’s mouth, and his eyes turned white before san stood up to watch the body in front of him vanish as if it never existed.

“maybe next time you’ll think about getting your own food”

—

san’s placed his chin on the palm of his hand while he watched you sleep, and he felt his ache as you whimpered slightly.

she’s probably having a nightmare, he thought, your hands gripping the bed sheets under you.

with his hands in his pockets, he made his way over to you slowly, sitting on the edge of your bed. his lip tucked between his teeth as he thought about how much longer he could wait before he couldn’t take the pain anymore.

his world was dying, and he needed a soul like yours in order to save it. but why did one like yours have to be so goddamn beautiful?

he knew it would be tough to think of you as only a provider as soon as he saw your smile, cheeks rising and making your eyes disappear whenever you laughed. you were so gorgeous, so fucking gorgeous that he couldn’t even process anything whenever he thought about you.

and the amount of times he’d gotten off to the sound of you moaning, two of your small fingers thrusting deep inside of you while his hand wrapped tightly around his cock was endless.

you had such a pretty pussy, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold back his presence much longer. he needed you, and the thought of having you all to himself had him ready to bury his head between your legs.

his thoughts left his head when he heard you moan, hips grinding down into the mattress to get any sort of friction, and it was then that he knew you most definitely weren’t having a nightmare,

you were having a wet dream

“fuck,” he groaned, watching your back arch off the bed. he was never one to fuck someone without them really knowing him, but hell was it hard for him to stand back when the pretty red, lace panties you had on you were soiled from your essence.

it was now that he was watching your every move that he could smell the arousal dripping off of you, and he let his body melt into the couch he sat down on that was at the edge of your bed.

but as soon as your body shot up when you had woken up, he was back to being unseen when you gasped for air.

-y/n’s pov-

your skin flushed when you felt the wet patch on your underwear with your fingers, and you thought back to your dream you’d just had.

it was amazing. the guy’s body was beautiful, and his fingers were skilled just as much as his tongue was as he drilled into your wet hole.

you don’t know why, but you kept hearing the name san ringing through your head, and you thought maybe that was who it was in the dream.

the guy had black hair that he pushed back with his hands every ten minutes, and his jawline was prominent, chest hard and the way his stomach flexed when you touched it had you wanting to taste every part of him.

though, you will admit you’d never met a guy named san before, but that didn’t matter because he was one hell of a man.

his piercing gaze he held on you made you want to try and go to sleep again in hopes of seeing the mystery guy. but you knew that would be hard to achieve, especially when you weren’t in the mood to be sleeping right now.

your core ached with every passing minute, and you longed to be filled up the way he had you.

“san..” you said out loud, “that’s a nice name,”

san’s lips parted when he heard you say his name, and confusion clouded his mind.

he’s only heard of two times before when humans were able to come in contact with demons, but you were special, so this didn’t come as too much of a surprise to him as it should’ve.

but for you to be having a dream about him? that seems like too much of a coincidence.

he watched as your hand came down and in between your legs, fingers grazing your clit over your underwear. his body faltered, and for a second he felt himself lose his cover and become visible to the naked eye.

your eyes flickered to the person who was leaning up against your wall, hands tucked in their pockets before they vanished before you.

even though it was just for a second, you knew exactly who you saw in your room.

wide shoulders, dark eyes, soft lips - it had to be the guy in your dream! your body moved towards the couch, and your mouth opened before asking him a question.

“show yourself to me,”

silence. no response, but that didn’t stop you from ushering him to reveal his form. you didn’t know who or what he was, but that wasn’t going to stop you from meeting the guy who’d made you come with only his mouth only ten minutes prior to now.

san bit his lip, contemplating if he should do what you said or if he should wait.

fuck it, he thought, licking his lips before stepping forward so that when he wasn’t hidden anymore your faces would be only an inch apart.

you felt wind against your cheeks, your eyes fluttering open. you gasped, a familiar and cheeky smile on their face when they saw you blush.

“name’s san, sweetheart. what’s yours?”

you didn’t know what to say to him. your name, maybe? no, he probably already knew that, and you could tell from the way his chest moved up and down when he laughed at the expression on your face.

his hand grabbed your chin, thumb grazing your bottom lip while he licked his own. “what’s the matter, y/n? you asked for daddy, so why don’t you stop wasting his time and tell him what he wants to hear,”

your thighs closed together at the darkness of his voice, and it didn’t go unnoticed by san. you watched as he pushed the couch away from the bed and stood before you, hand moving from your face to gently wrap around your neck.

you gulped, “what are you?” your voice was shaky as you spoke, and the smirk that danced on his lips never left them as he answered you. “a demon. but don’t worry, I won’t hurt you”

his voice got lower as he bent down to bite your ear, “unless you want me to,”

he craned his neck to the side to place wet and sloppy kisses below your ear, and you felt his teeth sink down and bite at the soft skin. before you could close your mouth, a small but noticeable whimper slipped past your lips, and san groaned when he heard it.

you watched as he pushed your back onto the bed, hand slipping down to pinch your inner thighs. you moaned, the feeling of your slick covered panties sticking to your pussy making you feel needy and empty.

“please,” you gasped, “touch me already.”

his lips were still attached to your neck as his hand dragged a finger up and down your clothed core, and he felt his cock strain painfully against his jeans when your wetness left his finger a sticky mess.

“shit, baby. didn’t know you could be such a good girl for me.” his unoccupied hand pulled your shirt up and over your head, groping your thighs and pushing them far apart.

he watched as your legs pushed back and your knees met the fabric of your bed, panties slipping between your pussy lips and rubbing over your clit every time he ground into you.

you moaned and arched into him, “I want your cock, san. fuck me.”

you blinked your eyes, and in the second all his clothes were off except for his boxers. “I like it when you beg for me, do it again.”

he pulled back from you when you didn’t reply, eyes turning a deep red as he made his way to your closet. “oh? guess you’re not gonna be as good of a girl as I thought you were gonna be,”

you watched him return with a belt, pulling it to make two hoops and moving your hands to the base of the bed. “what’s your safe word, love.”

he pulled your hands through the belt, “velvet.” you watched him crawl between your legs again, and his tongue swept over your nipple before biting down on it. “ugh, f-fuck!”

his hand pulled your underwear up and down your pussy, and you ground your hips down to get some feeling of relief. “fuck - right there, right fucking there,”

he watched as you mewled under him, and his thoughts clouded his mind with what you’d taste like. he’d only dreamt of this day, and he was going to take full advantage of it because it might not ever happen again.

you groaned when his hand left your underwear, moving to settle at your waist. his lips kissed down your body until he met the red fabric, his tongue darting out to lick and suck the soft flesh of your thighs.

he could taste you on them, and his teeth grazed over your panties before ripping them off and tossing them to the side.

“you want it rough, don’t you? my pretty baby likes being my little slut,” he dragged his lips up and down your pussy, and you moaned when his tongue flicked over your clit. “such a mess for daddy, what a whore,”

his arms wrapped around your thighs and pulled you closer to his mouth, and you felt him moan into you.

you watched his head move up and down with every thrust of his tongue, his nose touching your clit with every movement. “mhm, san,”

he felt you clench around his tongue when he curled upwards, and he knew that if he kept going like this you’d come soon enough. and as much as he loved the idea of cleaning you up with his mouth, his cock throbbed and ached to be inside of you.

you whimpered when he pulled away and stood up, wiping his chin with his fingers before sucking them clean, “I know, baby. but I need to be in your pussy right now before I come just from those pretty noises coming from your lips.”

your eyes were glued to his cock, and they widened when he finally pulled down his boxers. his tip had beads of pre cum, and you saw some that had smeared down the rest of his cock from his clothes he’d had on.

he thought you were adorable, that shocked yet lust filled gaze you had making him want to fuck you dumb. “you can take it, don’t worry,”

he crawled his way up your body and lifted one leg over his shoulder. pulling him by the neck, his lips were soft and sweet when they met yours, and you tasted yourself on them.

with one hand on your thigh and the other caressing your throat, he pushed his cock into your pussy with ease. you were soaked, feeling nothing but please from him when he gave you the first thrust.

he’d been bigger than any guy you’d take, but it helped when he’d gone down on you so you were prepped enough to take him with no pain.

“fucking hell, you’re so wet,” his eyes were an even deeper read then before as he watched himself bury inside you. his cock felt so good, and you had forgotten the last time you’d gotten fucked this good.

his hand was choking you at this point, but it only added to your arousal and made your head feel as light as a feather. his hips moved faster the more you clenched around him and he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.

with your leg still up on his shoulder he reached down to draw circles over your clit. your legs went numb as you screamed out his name, “san, fuck! I’m gonna come,”

his thrusts got faster, and you felt his pace slow down. his cum filled you up, and you lost it when you felt it drip out and onto the sheets beneath you.

you took a moment to process all your emotions, the burning feeling on your skin making you want to do nothing more than crawl up on his chest while you both lay in a bath.

“can we go clean up? I’m not a fan of cuddling until we’re not all sweaty and a mess,” you giggled, and you noticed that san was just staring at you with a sleepy expression on his face, his lips pulled up into a soft smile.

“hm? oh, yeah. I’ll go get it ready.” he pulled the blankets over his body and stood up, making his way to the bathroom.

his thoughts were going a mile a minute. he honestly didn’t know what to do next. he’d just had sex with the woman that he needed a soul from, and sooner or later, he’d have to tell you.

he shook his head and stuck his hand under the faucet, breathing in the lavender soap he had poured in.

he loved you, but he also loved his realm.

it would be a hard choice, but he knew which one fate would end up choosing for him.

“I’ll make you proud, mother.”

─────

#san ateez #ateez san #san smut #san angst #san scenarios #ateez smut #ateez angst #ateez scenarios #kpop smut #kpop angst #kpop scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop boy group #part two?

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lilly-from-the-valley · 5 years ago

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Infinite.

Dearest Mate,

I wanted to make this letter for you. Tbh, i’m at lost of the right words to say, but i will say what’s on my mind like i always do. I hope you bear with me and what’s coming because it may be like waves at night. Haha, kidding. Did i scare you?(oh who am i kidding)

The moment you entered my life, it was terrifying to me. I had no idea why would i save your contact number, but i somehow think that i wanted to show you my sides nobody else in class could. I know i’m not as talented in drawing as you are, but i wanted to be included as an artist although i’m far from being one. When you sent me those drawing tips and all, i was actually surprised and backed away. It scared me that you, the one that’s better than me, put yourself out there to help me. I thought, what is he thinking? I feel like you already saw me—a person who’s afraid of criticism and change. But then, when you asked me to help you for that manga contest, i felt somehow welcomed. Like a warm welcome to another story rather than my so-called dEpReSsIoN. And you know what? I’m glad i didn’t even hesitate the offer. When you showed me the online flyer, i was standing very close to you. I felt that welcoming aura. I’m helping people. That’s really new. I was never a volunteer at this part because to me people are just bothersome. The excitement to create a story with a very talented artist really got me. I can still feel it until today.

You keep on amusing me everyday. From the part of your manga drawing, to the part you actually played with the plastic cup on a small puddle that it moved on its own. Honestly, you never stopped amusing me. I was really entertained with that cup. I respected you a lot for making me slightly entertained with stuffs. You must’ve noticed how i keep sitting beside you in classes especially English, i choose to sit beside you rather than anyone else. I never told you about this, but i knew i wanted to always be near you, because i feel at home when i’m close to you. Remember before the presentation on our experiences in English? My hands are shaking at the moment, my feet can’t stop moving and i keep talking to myself. I was aware a few times how you noticed i acted out weirdly while waiting for my name to be called. You even tried to talk to me to help me with the anxiety, which makes me feel the need to get to know you more despite how i embarrassed myself in front of you.

Never ending assignments which led to never ending helps coming from you. That night when i was stressed because nobody was there to help me with the assignment, you offered a hand. It feels like just yesterday. From doing assignments together, to going food hunts at night. I asked you questions that had my curiosity for awhile, but you gladly answered each one of them. By that time I feel so lucky to have you, because i don’t think anybody else have that. If i voiced out what was in my thoughts, they would just leave the questions unanswered or even tell me to stop thinking nonsense. I told you before sem break that it’s been a long time since we had any food hunting at night. I actually missed it atm and looking forward for more in the incoming time ahead of us.

From malls to cafes. From cafes to beaches. Words can’t describe how i feel every time going out with you. I feel unstoppable. I can do whatever i want((just it’s saddening how we always have to end the day because of the last bus)) i almost felt like this mad woman that just got out from prison. I feel free. And you’re there, laughing at how childish i can be, and also there when how immature i acted when you did something that wasn’t going my way. I wish i didn’t have that. That immature part of me had ruined most of our moments—even now. I always wanted an attention from you, that it gets excessive. But what did you do? You take my arm anyway when crossing the busy streets, well, even the streets were almost empty, you didn’t leave me alone. I know i always tell you this whenever we go to my favorite cafes or restaurants, but i feel happy. I don’t know if it’s just me, but i get the feeling that you noticed how it’s hard for me to say that i’m happy. But i won’t lie to you. When we’re at those places, i felt different kind of happy. It’s like a kid’s happiness to go to their favorite playground. The slides were always amusing even if she ride it every time. The swing sends her flying that she can reach the clouds. It never gets old. And she’s with the most precious person on earth. She felt like she didn’t need anybody else and anywhere else to stay. If i could, i wanted to stay in that cafe as long as i could with you. That is the first time i entered coastal store, and few other cafes. The first time for me to go food hunting at night, to watch the sunset at beaches, to stargaze in the amidst of night, to try out some other food places i never tried. You claimed as if it was your first time but little did you know, they were mine too. ((I’m sad that we didn’t get to reach the park that has that big Kuantan mark across the lake. I really was looking forward to see you do parkour))

The moment i opened up. I told you even the deepest, filthiest, and darkest part of me but you never flinched. You are always there, always. If you question why did i trust you so much, i honestly have no answer for that. I just do. I just knew. That i can always rely on you. I never told people, but i told you. It still feels fresh. Waking up to sunset, opening up at that time. Hiding behind you from monkeys. People would say there’s a lot already memories but as for me it wasn’t enough. I still look forward to some more time with you.

I told myself many times how nothing remains. But i can’t resist you. People left me, and those who do are the ones that promised me to stay. I even doubted you when you said you will, stay. It’s like, the earlier me knew that this will happen anyway because of... me. I’m damaged. And damaging. Even if there’s people trying to help me, i will hurt them, act selfish around them. It’s not because of those people. It was me all along. When they were stuck with me, i took away their freedom and gave them mine. I see as my freedom as yours too, but little did i know, with that you’re losing yourself everyday. I’m so naive. All i wanted is to be with you but my situation and my feelings are what conflicted everything. They are always in the way. The worst part of it is that i’m aware of how damaged i am but i still let you touch my thorns and hold it tight to get to see me bloom as a rose closely. Your hands were bleeding along my body because my thorns penetrated all the layers of your skin and almost reached your bones—but you held it firmly that your hands turned lifeless. Instead of being a rose, i should’ve been a tulip around you. If i could turn back time((i know it’s pointless to even think about it)) i wanted to be the safest and the most beautiful flower to you. I know how already broken you are, but i keep ripping you apart because i wanted you to save me from the strong wind from the storm, without thinking about how it will blow you away as well.

I’m holding this birthday card you gave close to me. This card is actually like a Lily of the Valley to me. If you don’t know, it’s a flower. A very pretty one that looks like a really tiny white bell. It holds a meaning of ‘a promise of happiness’. I think that’s what you are. God sent you to me is for me to be happy, despite the loss of a friend and a disappearance of a lover. If i am a pathetic rose, you are the lily of the valley.((The color of the thread tied around the pinky is now purple <\3 :’c))

You embraced my flaws, inside out. I know i asked a lot about that because i’m worried, but at the same time i was a selfish bitch. I was scared to what may happen to me when you are there, always are. You accepted me for who i am, but i keep putting myself first and push you to put me first that you’re losing yourself. I can never forgive myself for doing that to you. The truth is, i’m scared. I’m haunted by the memories, and i can’t make decisions. Not now. Not yet.

You’re my source of happiness. You know how i am always in denial of such feeling? Is because i’m scared. I’m scared to be happy because i know what it’ll cost—it’ll cost you. I told you a lot about that already, but i haven’t tell you this—i’m happy being with you. I feel so free. You’re my sweet escape. I don’t want to stop writing. Because it feels like i’m talking to you. And you know how much i love doing that. I can talk with you and you’re there listening as always.

I will miss your phone calls to wake me up, sharing about my dreams after i read your first text on the day, having you greet me with narrowed eyes, your fingers flipping pen, your old-cat meows, your hands waving around as you tell me stories about your amazing past, your hehahak laughs, your pats on my head, your cartoonish english men voice, especially, your comfort when i’m crying. Writing this out feels like you’re still here, comforting me while my tears weren’t near a stop. And crucially, i miss you. :’)

You always approved my requests. Going there and there, cheer me up, even beyond, you always do. But me...? I wonder if i even approved a request from you. I did that, that it had cost you to request this on me. And i had no other choice. I noticed the red flags after you’re getting better from your sickness, and i tried to do something. But it didn’t work. Because it’s me. There’s danger coming to us but i still am a selfish prick. But i tried. I am sorry. I was watering a wilted flower. It was too late.

The song you sent me on 10th-11th May, i didn’t realize it until last night. I guess i was busy with projects that i even abandoned you. Ugh, i’m the worst :’) i listened to it, and my mind now can’t stop playing that song on loop. I’m sorry i’m just so selfish and helpless, haris.

Regardless of what happened to us, you will always remain somewhere in my heart. I don’t hate you. No, not ever. Yet i’m proud of you. You’re starting to love yourself. You’re braver than you think you are. I wish happiness for you, even if it means to not having me with you :’) ((breaks me)) thank you for all these memories, values you gave, thank you for existing. You will always be that haris-chan to me. That anime guy keep stumbling upon a depressed looking anime girl. With wild adventures, and lots of twists. I wish i don’t have to stop writing, because honestly i don’t want to stop writing to you. I keep feeling your presence while doing it. Feels like by now you’re typing out your response to my blabbering texts. Sending me lots of love and hearts. ifeellikeicantdothis :’)

I’m sorry again. For everything i’ve done. You probably would hate to hear this, but i love you so much, my soulmate, and my best friend. You filled in my emptiness and showered me with so much love.

And my poem for you;

You kissed the void for me.

P/s:((whatever that is))

The mail is too long? Well, this is the first time for me writing this long. Like i said, i feel like i couldnt stop writing to you.

Shsuaiihh i cant close this hdjdjsksksk i have so many conclusions already aaasgh my english teachers wouldve died

P/s:(whatever that is) i’m struggling with the past and present tense is because it doesn’t feel like they are in the past. They all feel so fresh to me.

Take care.

Love, Illia.

#to my best friend #i will always love you #i love you

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