#while any possibility that having a celebrity parent is an adverse childhood experience

[despairing-disaster]

As someone who never really cared for either Sonia or Kazuichi in the main games, I didn't really pay attention to the arguing around people supposedly excusing or glossing over his actions or behavior towards her, but after being in the DRDT fandom for a bit and seeing how people talk about/treat J vs Arturo, I think I get it now

[iwa1zumis]

“i love you and i like you”: passion and burnout in Haikyuu!! 

tw: discussions of self harm, anxiety, burnout and breakdowns. 

spoilers for the whole manga!! 

okay this is probably gnna be jflkafjdklfj all over the place, but i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the difference between loving and liking something, and how haikyuu emphasises the importance of both those feelings being present when pursuing a passion. 

a quick look at google (and i KNOW my college professors are cringing away in horror victor frankenstein-style @ my use of google definitions but jflajfsdk bear with me!!) demonstrates how often the concepts of love and like are conflated, with love her being framed as a sort of deeper or more intense like: “to like or enjoy very much” to be specific. but personally i’ve always thought there’s something a bit misleading about that kind of definition, since its absolutely possible to love something or someone without necessarily liking them. to take a personal example: i love debate. i debated through middle and high school, made captain of the debate team, and was constantly travelling to and fro for different tournaments. even before i started to debate formally i’d jump at the chance to do mini-debates in class, argue with and rebut parents and friends over meals and causal conversation.... you get the idea. i loved debate, and still love it dearly, but i honestly don’t think i particularly liked it much. tournaments would always fill me with the most INSANE kind of stress, i’d barely eat or sleep in the days leading up to a meet, and i’ve had more muffled bathroom breakdowns in between rebuttals than i can count. after my final year of high school, i decided against joining the debate at university. i knew that if i were to retain ANY love for the activity going into the future, i had to force myself to take a break. 

so what does this solipsistic tangent have to do with haikyuu, you ask? well i have no doubt that a vast majority of the players in the series love volleyball. they’re dedicated and passionate about it. they hunger for the chance to be put on the court. but do they like to play? 

1. oikawa: “i forgot that volleyball can be fun” 

ofc i wouldn’t be an oikawa stan worth my salt if i didn’t start this off with the (grand) king himself!! imo one of the reasons why oikawa is such a popular and well-loved character is his constant determination to keep moving forward and playing, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable opponents and adversities (”never forget my worthless pride”, anyone?). inevitably, all the hard work and practise he put into his craft has left him with a very carefully constructed, put together playstyle-- he’s the kind of player who knows how to bring the best out of each and every teammate on the court because of the amount of time he spends observing them and playing with them. it’s an outlook and playstyle best encapsulated in his now iconic line during the second karasuno v seijoh match: 

“Talent is something you make bloom, instinct is something you polish!” 

in my opinion the word “polish” it super significant here-- it explicitly singles out the years and years of hard work that set a foundation for his talent and instinct to shine. 

but what happens when they don’t shine? there’s no denying that oikawa is an incredibly skilled and intuitive player (something that hinata’s acknowledgment of him as the “great king” to kageyama’s “king” immediately sets out) but oikawa himself is acutely aware of the fact that he can never quite measure up to his long-time rival ushijima or his immensely talented protege kageyama. oikawa’s self described strategy to deal with opponents is to: 

“Hit it until it breaks” 

but what happens when hitting something again and again with your carefully honed, “polished” skills yields no results? imo there’s a very clear binary mentality drawn here-- either you hit it and it breaks, asserting your superiority; or you hit it and it doesn’t break, enforcing your inferiority. with each perceived loss against ushijima and kageyama, oikawa’s internalized logic holds his own weakness up to his own face, shaking his faith in himself as a player. if you’ll pardon the on-the-nose-metaphor: the whole “hitting it till it breaks” strategy is a two-way street, and oikawa has been hitting himself, metaphorically speaking, for a very long time. i have no doubt that he loved volleyball, passionately, through middle and high school. but with his inferiority complex growing in the face of constantly refuted results, i think he slowly began to like it less and less. 

so how does oikawa get his groove back? to answer that, we’ll have to turn to the post-timeskip chapters, particularly the two chapters that deal with oikawa and hinata’s unexpected meeting in Rio (372 and 373 for anyone curious!). while reminiscing with hinata over dinner, oikawa finally reveals the event that made him want to play volleyball (as a setter, to be exact)-- as a child, he watched veteran setter jose blanco step into a game and

“... inconspicuously help[ed] the ace get his bearings again... and then simply left the court.” 

oikawa’s reaction to blanco’s playstyle might just be one of my favourite panels in the chapter for how it conveys so much with such little space: 

the stammer of “i-i--”, which suggests a sense of resolve and determination forming in real time, finally coalesces into the determined declaration of “i wanna be a setter too!” what i took from this is that oikawa’s admiration for-- and liking of-- blanco expresses itself in the agency with which he makes his choice, in this case, actively deciding to be a setter so that he can support players on the court like blanco did. the liking that oikawa has here is therefore inherently linked to the agency and freedom he feels here-- freedom to choose his position, and how he wants his volleyball career to develop. 

this recollection of his childhood memories, and the subsequent game of beach volleyball that oikawa and hinata play afterwards, essentially push oikawa back into the mental and physical space of a child or beginner, as the manga demonstrates with panels of oikawa being forced to ditch his usual carefully developed, polished playstyle to learn the ropes of beach volleyball: 

ultimately concluding with the beautiful panel transition of oikawa, as a child AND adult, celebrating after a successful play: 

“It reminds me that-- I forgot that-- volleyball is fun.”

in a different country, playing a familiar game by slightly different rules and led back into the mentality and freedom of a novice after years of careful development, oikawa rediscovers his liking for the game. 

2. kageyama: “when you get strong, someone stronger will rise to meet you” 

moving on to the king of the court himself!! i’d argue that kageyama’s childhood memories and experiences of volleyball function almost oppositely to oikawa’s-- while oikawa has to re-access the sensation of being a beginner again to like the game along with loving it, kageyama’s process of coming to like and love volleyball come from moving away from his early experiences and into a new phase of playing-- specifically, his partnership with hinata. 

one of kageyama’s defining features is his individualism-- he’s both skilled and solitary enough to prefer to, as he puts it, “play every single position on the court”. notably, he wants to become a setter because: 

“[it’s] the one that touches the ball the most.”

in fact, i’d argue that kageyama’s “king of the court” attitude that he was known for in middle school is an extension of this individualistic mindset: he holds himself to extremely high standards, and expects his team-mates (as extensions of himself) to meet those very same standards. the similarities between his internal monologue and his commands to kindaichi in these two panels, for example, are strikingly, visibly similar: 

there’s that near-identical intonation of “move faster, jump higher!” that implies that the way he treats his teammates is just an extension of how he treats himself-- a deeply self-critical, miserable way, as it turns out. it’s telling that for the first few chapters of a manga in which characters’ eyes literally light up when they’re happy, passionate or excited, kageyama’s eyes are drawn as pitch black, even while he’s playing. 

imo the reason why hinata’s appearance, and their later partnership, is so significant for kageyama’s personal development is because he can’t treat hinata like an extension of himself. hinata challenges him and his preconcieved notions of the sport at every turn: first with his lightning-fast reflexes and raw intuition, and then with his determination to hit kageyama’s toss no matter what. in fact, the first time that kageyama’s eyes light up in the manga is, you guessed it, when he and hinata first pull off a successful “freak quick”: 

during the post-timeskip chapters we’re introduced to kageyama’s backstory in much greater detail: the way in which his grandfather fostered his passion for volleyball and the timing with which his grandfather’s illness and later death left kageyama increasingly alienated, thus further enforcing his individualist mentality. but what the chapter also gave us was an explicit confirmation of a theme that had been built up from the very beginning of the story, when kageyama’s grandfather tells him: 

“when you get really strong, i promise someone stronger will rise to meet you”

i’ve seen translations of the line that use both “meet” and “challenge”, and personally i’d have to say that i prefer “challenge” for what it implies-- even before hinata got strong enough to actually meet kageyama halfway he challenged him to move away from his pre-established mindset of doing everything himself, and into one where he actually comes to enjoy-- and like-- volleyball. 

3. hirugami: “maybe you’ve just had your fill”

hirugami’s case is kind of a strange one-- unlike oikawa and kageyama he’s not a major character, and his relationship with volleyball only gets a single backstory chapter as opposed to a series-long arc. but i personally ADORE his mini-arc for the things it has to say about burnout, passion and moving on. 

hirugami is introduced as the youngest member of a volleyball family-- his parents, older brother and older sister all play the sport. when explaining how he began to play himself, hirugami says: 

“... naturally, i started to play too. because i was good at it, and it was fun.” 

imo there are a lot of really interesting things to pick apart with this phrasing: the “naturally” implies a foregone conclusion but also a degree of passivity, like he himself recognises that he was swept up in his family’s influence. the “it was fun” coming AFTER “because i was good for it” also implies a degree of correlation, as though if he didn’t have the aptitude, he wouldn’t enjoy the game (a mindset markedly different to both oikawa and kageyama). as hirugami gets older, this correlation of being good ----> having fun ----> being able to play begins to reverse, and therefore manifest in increasingly self destructive ways: 

the main impetus for hirugami has now become not wanting to lose, which therefore requires a degree of heightened practise and self discipline in order to achieve. notably, having fun has been reduced to an afterthought, a state that might be achieved if he wins. 

the correlation of “winning” and “being good” is a slipperly slope to go down, though, something that becomes especially apparent after hirugami’s team lose a game. the frustration of being unable to reach his goal of winning manifests itself as not being “good enough”-- acting on this, hirugami seeks to punish himself for “messing up”: 

the close up panel of hirugami’s “confession” after hoshiumi confronts him hits particularly hard because it taps into a feeling that i’m sure almost all of us have felt at one point or another-- the realisation that something you once both loved AND liked is now only bringing you misery: 

ironically, it’s actually this acknowledgement of “not really liking volleyball that much” that acts as a catalyst for hirugami’s recovery from burnout. hoshiumi’s acknowledgement of, and reply to, hirugami’s state is seemingly simple but deeply freeing: 

and honestly, why not just quit? there’s nothing tethering hirugami to volleyball, certainly nothing as serious as life or death. personally my favourite part of this panel is hoshiumi’s description of volleyball as food from which hoshiumi has “eaten his fill”-- a lovely metaphor that re-contextualizes what could be seen as “time wasted” into something productive and indeed nourishing. 

when we check up on hirugami post time-skip, we find out that he has indeed quit playing volleyball in favour of going to veterinary school, but he’s seen watching the game between the jackals and adlers on his phone with an eager, fond smile on his face, implying that it was the act of moving away from the table (so to speak) after eating his fill that let him still hold on to a love and passion for the game, even though he is now interacting with it as a spectator instead of a player. and indeed that might just be why i love hirugami’s arc so much-- with it, haikyuu tells us that sometimes passion’s don’t need to be re-ignited in the same way. while oikawa and kageyama rediscover their love for, and liking of, the game through a return to childhood and the arrival of a new partner respectively, hirugami’s journey away from burnout comes from recognizing that he can step away from the volleyball court, and that the love and like will still remain. 

[i-amusemyself]

All the asks.

Aaaaah tysm!!!!!

Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset. I prefer the colours and also not being awake so early!

Are you mentally ill?

Yeah I have depression but whatevs

Are you physically ill?

Chronically my dude. I have IBS and EDS type 3

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?

A plane ticket for nearly £1000 lmao! It took me working 3 jobs for over a year but it was worth it.

Do you have a job?

Not atm but I’ll get one in a few months. 

Are you in school?

Noooooo!! I finally finished sixth form in June. I’m finally free!! (I’m so happy I won’t have to see half those people again ngl)

Are you a dropout?

Nah

Are you in college?

Assuming this means uni, then no, but I will be in october.

Introvert or extrovert?

I have?? No idea?? I’m shy af and really quiet but I do like meeting new people.

What do you think when you look at your body?

I don’t really think much at all anymore, which is an improvement tbh. I just sort of see it but don’t process it.

What have others said when they look at your body?

I’ve had a lot of not-so-supportive comments about my body from a lot of people. Most people tell me I’m too thin, that I’m unattractive, that I should get surgery for one reason or another. Idk. I don’t expect much more tbh.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?

Hoo boi I have a whole playlist of songs that mean something to me.

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive?

It was 2, maybe 3 weeks ago now XD I was roadtripping around America with my best friend @only-slightly-dangerous and it was the happiest I’ve ever been. We were care free and the world was beautiful and there were so many new things to see and do. I wish I was back there.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?

Not at all, I’ll avoid it at all costs.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?

See, I don’t have a conscious issue with it. I don’t mind eye contact that much. But I usually subconsciously end up looking away, especially if I’m thinking deeply about something/trying to remember something.

Has anything terrible happened to you?

Depends on your definition of terrible. But yeah, a couple of things have really fucked me up.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?

I met the best person in my life at the worst time in my life. The chances of it happening were ridiculously slim; I still can’t get my head around it.

Favorite part of your personality?

I don’t know. My patience or my sense of humor?

Least favorite part of your personality?

How easily I become jealous of others. Or maybe my need to be in control. I’m working on both of them though.

Favorite part of your body?

....my legs? I’m told theyre p good?

Least favorite part of your body?

Maybe my face? Maybe my chest. Idk, I don’t critique it often.

Favorite quote?

“The sun will rise and we will try again”. There are others I like, but that’s the first that comes to mind.

Do you have friendships with all genders?

I have a crippling fear of men so most my close friends are with girls. Though again, I’m working on it.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?

I didn’t used to so much, but I think it’s improved a lot over the past few years.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

It’s complicated. I don’t really wanna go into it rn

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?

I don’t have any sibs, kinda wish I did though

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?

Yuuup

Have you ever had a near death experience?

Nope

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?

Yeah. I used to talk to a girl on here and for months we held a pact of staying alive for each other. But she gave up (I kind of understood though). That was rough.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?

...whatever I answer this with feels like a lie

Biggest lie you have told?

I canny remember lmao

Do you follow any conspiracies?

I haven’t read much into many conspiracies, ngl. But there was something strange about how those twin towers fell down...

Do you believe in a New World Order?

Never heard of it. Gonna google it though.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?

Not at all. The tories can kiss my butt. They’re barely human.

Is there currently any strife in your country?

Meh, nothing too bad.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?

Nope, thankfully.

Are your friendships healthy?

The ones I have left are lmao! I’ve been doing a lot of cutting off in the past year, but it seems to have worked out pretty well.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?

No

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?

No. Their achievements don’t diminish my own. I want them all to succeed.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?

As much as I’m here for the meme, I don’t actually know much about it.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?

See previous.

How can people tell you are nervous?

Um, I don’t know. I try not to let on. Depending on the situation I might ask a lot of questions about it or just be very talkative in general. Also not being able to sit still.

How can people tell you are sad?

I don’t tend to talk as much or with as much enthusiasm. I also tend to “zone out” a lot if I’m feeling really down. Sometimes I’ll just give up on conversations all together and refuse to make any more effort than the other person is doing.

Do you ever express your true feelings?

I...think so. Yeah. I sometimes dilute them when I express them, but I rarely keep a feeling contained completely. That destroys me.

Regrets in your life?

Not standing up for myself more.

Achievements in your life?

I won a couple of things when I was younger (basketball tournaments, painting competitions) also I do well in school ig?

What did people say about you in school?

I mean, I’m sure I never heard all of it. The general consensus seemed to be everyone hated me for being “stuck up” and for doing okay at tests. Idk. 

What did you say about people in school?

Depended on the person lmao! I wasn’t a big fan of many people in my year, but I didn’t really hate any of them as much as they thought.

Is there something you have never told anyone?

yh

Have you committed an illegal act?

I mean, piracy, that’s it.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?

I’d buy a house somewhere nice, a plane ticket and a holiday. Then I’d give a decent amount to everyone I know. The rest I’d give to charity.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?

I cant even remember what my aspirations were yesterday?? I’ve pretty much always wanted to do something to do with science, though it’s varied which parts of it.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?

It aint happened.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?

Low to average I’d say? My mums a single parent but we do okay.

Are you from a broken marriage?

My parents are divorced yah

Have you been raised by a solo parent?

Sort of? Officially speaking yeah.

Do you know both your parents?

Yup

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?

Brown eyes, blonde hair and white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?

No. I’ve drunk when I probably should have just talked about my feelings though.

What languages can you speak?

I speak english and a reasonable level of spanish. I’m also learning danish atm.

Do you conform to your societies standards?

Idk, I guess not.

Do you cry often?

Lmao, a lot more often than most people yeah. I’ve a very emotional person.

Do you tell people what you think of them?

Only the good parts.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?

Not at all, it always feels like a lie.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?

Oh yeah! If I’m thinking something good about someone I’ll let them know!

Is any mental illness hindering your life?

Depression. It’s a bugger.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?

To a normal person it might seem it, but I’ve just kind of adapted to my illnesses so I can live life as normally as possible now.

Do you keep up with current events?

I try to I suppose. I haven’t so much recently though ngl.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?

This feels like a test....idk

What have you done today?

Slept, eaten, watched netflix, scrolled through tumblr.

Do you sleep well?

Sometimes

Do you sleep badly?

Sometimes

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?

Who on earth remembers their past with such clarity?? I mean, it’s possible yeah. But I couldn’t tell you who or when and it’s not something I’m proud of.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?

Search me. That isn’t usually the first thing I ask someone when they hurt me.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?

Yeah, a couple. Especially friendships if people have been more trouble than they’re worth and they’ve become someone who regularly hurts me.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?

I’ve talked a few people down from suicide, but I don’t know how many of them are doing rn unfortunately.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?

My best friend.

Do you like your laugh?

I don’t hate it, but I do worry it annoys other people.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?

Lmfao no I’m not prepared for anything!! 

Do you have any funny family stories?

Not really, not that I can remember. 

Are you religious?

Nah

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?

Yeah lmao, ngl I love a good true crime show

Are you interested in cults?

...I guess I wouldn’t be adverse to finding out more about them

Would you like to raise a family in your country?

I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst place in the world to do it, but I plan on moving to another country before I consider doing that.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?

I don’t know?? I was just grateful for the things I did have.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?

Lmfao yeah 18 years and counting

Are you from a blended family?

Yup

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?

Yeah I once saw a married person with my own two eyes.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?

“You are my favourite person.”

Do you keep a journal?

In a way? I have a blog that acts as a journal and also a scrapbook

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?

Probably. I think about that a lot.

Do you have children?

Nope

Have you been pregnant?

Nopety nope

List your favorite movies?

In no particular order:

-Deadpool  -My Sisters Keeper  -Mamma Mia    -Hot Fuzz   -The Life of Brian  -The Lovely Bones    -Pitch Perfect 2

List your favorite people?

They know who they are.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?

Umm, I have a birthmark on my neck which I always think would be cool if it showed how I died in a previous life. 

Do you look after yourself?

Most of the time yeah

Do you put yourself or others first?

I put others first almost all the time. I couldn’t bare not to.

Are you happy today?

I mean,,, I was cut open and zipped back up 2 days ago so I’ve felt better lmao! 

Are you loved?

Contrary to what my anxiety wants me to believe, I think I actually might be by a few people.