#which yeah that another one of those that will have in the hundreds hours playtime

[elletromil]

I love finally getting to part of a game were the sidequesting really start becoming available

[retphienix]

I'm not sure if I should make this the finale post or not to be honest because I plan on playing some of the DLCs soon, so I'll make this a 'light' finale post because I'm sure I've said more than enough through my playthrough.

Morrowind genuinely surprised me. I heard all the oldguard TES fans saying it's way different and some claiming it was miles better.

Specifically I remember when Oblivion came out I heard from somewhere that Oblivion was just "dumbed down Morrowind" and kid me was like "What the heck are you talking about, Oblivion is the best game in the world (right now)???"

But man, they weren't wrong, but that's hardly what I'd point at in Morrowind in comparison.

Then again my memory of Oblivion is all rose tinted nostalgia and half memories.

What Morrowind is to me today is a fantastic fantasy game with some really interesting lore, a villain I love, a world that feels alien, troubled, imperfect and intriguing, and a gameplay cycle that felt really satisfying to me from the very start to roughly level 20 or so.

I REALLY like how pitiful and overwhelmed I felt at the start of this game- it felt fucking awesome to me and I know for some that's a weird statement and others it's the most obvious thing in the world but man is it true.

Level 1 in Morrowind as a newbie who doesn't know up from down is like waking up in the woods naked with the sound of hungry wolves all around you.

It's brutal, and exciting- every little victory- a potion, a new dagger, a new piece of armor- feels like the world to you.

I LOVED the early game in Morrowind, more than I ever liked it in Oblivion, Fallout 3, Fallout NV, Skyrim, or Fallout 4 (yeah I'm looping the bethesda engine NV in).

Because I constantly felt like I was punching up at a behemoth but I was getting away with it from time to time until I started to feel more on par with the behemoth, and eventually I overcame and hit end game and really became the behemoth and that was fun in its own right.

But I've been "mega end game god" in like 900 dang games at this point, it's always fun! And feeling like I earned it (like here) makes it feel better! But the journey often beats it and Morrowind's journey was so fun to me.

But yeah, beat the main quest. I did a lot in this game, and barely scratched the surface.

Beating it immediately made me think of how fun it would be to challenge myself to beat it- or another objective- right from the start without dumping hundreds of hours into leveling because that early game is a treat.

About the only things I didn't fully love were most of the quest designs showing their age.

Nothing super egregious, but there really was a lot of extremely simple "fetch thing" "Kill thing" "Walk to place" quests that didn't hold additional story value to make up for it.

Not to say simple is bad, but to say having a LOT of my playtime being killing various creatures for no real story reason beyond being asked to makes some actions feel pointless and like busy-work.

There were also quests that DID tie story in, which was really nice to see- things like inter-guild relations becoming a thing for some quests, or some quests having consequences further down the quest chain depending on how you completed it, and of course (as implied) some quests having multiple solutions with some of those solutions being interesting in how you find out about them.

I mean I think it's really neat how the fighter's guild has like 4 quest givers and if you blindly follow them you'll be doing all kinds of questionable stuff with questionable end goals, but if you talk to each of them you'll find that one of them is much more trustworthy and honorable than the rest, and it becomes a common loop to be sent on a quest for the FG and swing by him to ask if the quest sounds legit- AND MANY AREN'T! AND HE OFFERS ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS! THAT'S COOL AND LET'S YOU MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BEING TOO LOYAL AND FORGETTING YOUR MORALS BECAUSE YOU ARE "JUST PLAYING A GAME" BUT REWARDS YOU FOR QUESTIONING THAT LOYALTY AND SEEKING ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS! THAT'S AWESOME! Though the solution almost always being "just talk to the good guy before you do the quest" was slightly lacking, but such a cool idea.

But there wasn't a ton of this, but there also wasn't not a lot of this- it was an idea they clearly considered playing with and did when they could- I just wish there were both more and that it was used more on the menial tasks you're asked to do as well. I'm a sucker for multiple solutions is all, and consequences appearing later and altering how events play out or quests line up is always cool and I think it only happens a couple times in some guild quests if I'm not mistaken-

But again, I didn't do much in the grand scheme of things lol.

A TON of time invested and still, a metric fuckton to do including 100% of both expansions lol.

So- Morrowind. I really like this game :)

I think it's my favorite TES game, though I might change my mind whenever I revisit TES4, but I can at least say it's my favorite early game BY FAR and PROBABLY my favorite TES game.

I wonder if I can get buff enough to kill Dagoth Ur with like potion abuse. I haven't looked into it, all I know about him (and I knew before this gameplay also, I was just attacking out of curiosity) is that phase 2 rapidly regens health at like 2 billion a second or something, so you have to one shot him if at all possible.

Also I knew that he was supposed to be weaker depending on how many ash vampires you killed, but that that wasn't properly implemented (and I don't think the morrowind code patch bothers fixing it?).

Anywho- great game. I've been playing a lot of good games lately now that I think of it. I mean most of this blog is me playing good games, but I feel like, and I could be mistaken, but I feel like there was a stint there where I was playing "complicated" games and "games I don't enjoy but want to see the merit of so I'm being a sourpuss while I play".

Now I feel like the last 10 dang games were strictly good and or great. Can't say that's a bad thing :)

If you haven't ever played Morrowind before but you're familiar with say Skyrim, I'd honestly say give it a look. A look first- because it's a thick game to begin and you might be able to discern it's not for you based off a look- but a look none the less.

It's Skyrim with more RPG nonsense going on and a more brutal "rags to riches" hero story for your protag. Might be up your alley as much as it ended up being up mine :)

So up next is EITHER an entirely different game with some ocassional Morrowind posts as I touch on the expansions, or more direct Morrowind content as I emphasize the expansions until I finish them, but I'm leaning towards the former.

I think beating the main quest has earned Vaksten the Idiot a short break.

[suituuup]

crushing it

A day in the life of Bechloe with triplets and a seven-year-old. For the lovely @snowonebutyou as a birthday gift <3

rated: G

word cout: 1,600

ao3 link

*

Mornings in the Beale-Mitchell household are often chaotic. 

(who is Beca kidding. Always. Always chaotic.) 

When Abigail turned three, Chloe and Beca decided they wanted to have another baby. 

To their utter shock, it wasn’t one heartbeat that showed up on the ultrasound, but three. 

Three babies. Triplets. 

Following a few hours of panic (mostly on Beca’s end, because she would be the one birthing them), Chloe reminded Beca that they were the best team, and that they would, in Amy’s words, crush it. 

Fast forward four and a half years, Beca does believe they’re crushing it, even if it’s hectic from waking-up to drop-off and from pick-up to bedtime. 

Honestly, though? Beca wouldn’t change it for the world. 

“Mama, I’m lost!”

Beca glances over her shoulder to find Jacob struggling to put on her sweater as his head is stuck in the sleeve. 

She chuckles, abandoning Jamie for a second to crawl on all-fours over to her other son. “Hold on, baby.” She pulls on the sleeve and twists the sweater, Jacob’s head popping through in the right hole this time. “There you are. Now put your pants on, quick! We don’t wanna be late for school.” 

“Mamaaaaa!” Eleanor, the youngest of the tribe and by far the most mischievous one, zooms into the room from the bathroom. “My teeth are all brushed!”

Beca manages to bite back the f-word when she realizes Ellie also smeared toothpaste all over her top. She doesn’t want to stomp on her daughter’s pride by scolding her for being messy when she accomplished a task all by herself, and takes a deep, centering breath. 

“Good job. We might wanna change your top, though.” She pushes to her feet, rummaging through the dresser top drawer for something clean. “Here you go.” 

“That’s Jamie’s!” Eleanor cries, pouting. “It’s got a dinosaur on it, Mama!” 

“Yeah well lucky you, because dinosaurs are really cool.” 

That seems acceptable for Ellie, who accepts to switch without further argument. 

“Alright, let’s brush our teeths boys and go downstairs!” 

While one of them gets the triplets ready for school, the other puts their lunch boxes together and cleans up breakfast. 

“All good?” Chloe asks when they round the corner to the kitchen a few minutes later. 

Beca huffs, making a bee-line for the counter to take a much-needed sip from her coffee. Great, it’s cold. She grimaces and sets the mug down. “Ugh.” 

“I poured fresh one in your travel mug,” Chloe lets her know with a soft wink as she gives each triplet their backpack containing their lunches.  

Beca groans, snagging it. “I love you.” 

“Love you, too.” Chloe pecks Beca’s lips before calling upstairs, “Abigail, time to go!” 

“Alright monsters, shoes.” Beca ushers the triplets to the entryway where their shoes are stored. 

“I do it, Mama,” Jamie says, because they’ve obviously got time to practice shoe lacing this morning. 

Summoning the patience she definitely didn’t have before becoming a mom, Beca smiles, observing. She’s gotta admit, Jamie sticking his tongue out in concentration is adorable. “Cross, loop, loop and tie. Good job!” 

She high fives him, then grabs their three coats, handing them over. Their oldest appears and quickly puts her shoes on, standing on the tip of her toes to unhook her coat herself. 

“Alright, let’s roll, fam!” Once Chloe’s kissed each child goodbye, they step out of the house and pile into the van (yep, they’ve got a van now) with only two minutes behind schedule. 

“Mama play the song!” Eleanor requests once Beca’s pulled out of their driveway. 

Their children have impeccable taste in music, much to Beca’s pride. Ellie’s been obsessed with Lizzo’s Truth Hurts lately though, which… does include a few bad words and which landed Beca and Chloe a meeting with her Kindergarten teacher after Ellie apparently belted out “Turns out I’m a hundred percent that bitch” during recess. 

Later that day, Beca explained to their four-year-old daughter that the word bitch shouldn’t be said in public, even through song. 

They make it to school on time, Beca pulling up in the drop off section and watching her kids step out. “See you tonight guys, love you!” 

She enjoys the ten minutes of relative quiet over the drive to the office, contentedly sipping at her coffee as she hums along to the radio. After parking in her spot in front of the studio, she checks her phone to find a message from her wife. She chuckles, her cheeks warming up as she reads Chloe’s words. 

My love

Didn’t have time to tell you, but you’re rocking that work suit 🥵

Beca

Oh yeah? 

My love

Any chance you can stop by the clinic for lunch and… entertain me? 

Beca

Jesus, woman. 

I would, but today’s packed with meetings. 

I’ll make it up to you once the kids are asleep 😉

My love

Fine, I guess I’ll settle for that, then. Have a good day. Love you!

Smiling to herself, Beca replies with the same sentiment. 

Her work day is busy with meetings left and right and finishing up a project to meet the deadline, and Beca’s brain has turned to mush by the time she steps through the threshold of their home at the end of the day, a bit later than usual. 

Jacob, the most affectionate of their four kids greets her with a much-needed hug when she rounds the living room corner. Beca closes her eyes and inhales his shampoo, his hair still slightly damp from bath time. 

Bless her wife for handling the pre-dinner routine all by herself. 

“Thank you baby. Mama really needed that.” She lets him go, walking over to where Ellie and Jamie are playing on the floor and kissing each forehead. “Hey munchkins.” 

Abigail is coloring at the table while Chloe stirs something at the stove when Beca ventures into the kitchen next. She cards her fingers through her daughter’s red hair. “Hey baby. Whatcha drawing?” 

“Flowers,” the seven-year-old replies as she reaches for a different crayon. 

“Very pretty,” Beca says, bending down to kiss her head as well. She steps up to Chloe, wrapping her arms around her waist from behind. “Hey you.” 

Chloe leans back against her briefly. “Hi. Busy day?” 

“So busy. Thanks for handling everything by yourself, babe.” She brushes a kiss to Chloe’s cheek, squeezing her waist as she steps away. “Can I do anything to help?” 

“It’s almost ready so just get the kids to wash up?” 

Dinner is mostly entertained by their kids talking about the activities they did at school. Following a bit of playtime, both she and Chloe head upstairs to put them to bed. Abigail handles herself now, but she does still like for one of her moms to read her a story. 

“Mama?” She asks as soon as Beca closes the book to set it back on the shelf. 

“Yeah baby?” 

“What’s it like to be in love?” 

Beca blinks in shock, far from expecting that question from her seven-year-old. She supposes it’s better than the where do babies come from? bomb, but still. 

“Um, well…” she clears her throat, shifting so that she’s facing Abigail as opposed to sitting beside her. She thinks about her wife, and tries to put how she feels in clear words. “Basically, it’s… thinking about that person all the time, and feeling safe and really happy and… at home whenever you’re around them.”

“And you wanna kiss?” 

Beca purses her lips for a moment. “Um, sure. You may want to kiss them if you’re in love with them.” 

Abigail seems to mull that over for a little while. “Benjamin kissed me today, does that mean he’s in love with me?” 

Jesus Christ. Beca really wishes Chloe was here right now to handle this conversation. 

“No, not necessarily,” she says once she’s gathered her bearings. “People kiss other people without being in love. It might just be… an attraction, like, thinking someone is pretty.” 

Abigail grins. “I think he’s handsome.” 

Watching her seven-year-old daughter swoon over some boy is very unsettling and something Beca was definitely not ready for for another ten years at least. 

“So you wanted him to kiss you, then?” Beca asks tentatively to make sure that boy didn’t force Abigail to kiss him. 

Abigail nods. “It was cool.” 

Cool. Cool. Cool?! 

Beca sucks in a breath, mustering a smile. “Okay, as long as you agreed to it, that’s fine. You know that if a boy or a girl wants to kiss or hug you and you don’t want to, it’s okay to say no, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Good.” She bends down to kiss Abigail’s forehead. “Anything else before I go?” 

“Nope. Night, Mama.” 

“Goodnight, baby.” 

She tucks the covers up to Abigail’s chin and hits the main light on her way out, her brain reeling as she heads back downstairs. She finds Chloe folding a load of laundry on the couch with the TV on low, and lowers herself beside her. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks immediately, frowning at Beca’s expression. 

Beca clears her throat. “Our daughter is apparently… kissing boys.” 

“Which one?” 

“Abigail,” Beca hisses, shocked that Chloe would think that Ellie is old enough to be kissing anyone. 

Chloe simply smiles, picking up a pair of toddler jeans from the basket and folding them. “She’s seven, it’s pretty normal for her to explore those things.” 

Beca squints. “How old were you?” 

“About that age, I think. It was just a tiny peck.” She tosses the jeans on the folded pile and picks up another item. “My first real kiss was at thirteen.” 

“Who was it?” 

Chloe laughs, cocking an eyebrow. “What is this, an interrogatory?” 

“No, I’m just curious, I guess.” She shrugs, grabbing a towel from the basket to fold it. 

“His name was Jeremy. Too much tongue. Did not kiss him again.” 

“Ew. What is it with dudes and tongue?”

Chloe giggles. “Beats me.” She eyes her wife. “Who was yours?” 

“My neighbor Trevor. I was fifteen.” Beca closes her eyes and shudders exaggeratedly. “If I could erase it from my memory I would.” 

“Good thing you’re married to an excellent kisser to make up for the trauma, huh?” Chloe smirks and waggles her eyebrows, pulling a chuckle from Beca. 

“Dude, not to boost your ego even more or anything, but that first kiss sent me into another dimension. I just about forgot my own name.” 

“Aww. You were still a useless baby gay back then. Discovering the power of women.” 

“Shut up,” Beca mutters, shoving her wife as she flushes. She eyes the basket and groans. “How do we have so much laundry?” 

“Four kids, babe.” 

Beca sighs, then glances at Chloe, a smirk curving her lips. “Wanna leave it for tomorrow and make out?” 

Chloe’s on top of her before she can register it, muffling her squeak of laughter with a heated kiss. 

[maikatc]

Black Sun Tale | Bread and Water

Remember that this is only a first draft with minor edits, but have fun reading! Comments and reception is greatly appreciated! --- “What I came up with today? Uh…,” Flipped some pages, “I came up with two new characters earlier?”

The city streets screeched with traffic noise and crowds chattering, smoke surrounding the air with a bar across the avenue. 

“Gabriel’s story’s kinda sad. He killed this guy named Wren, but they were like brothers.”

Off between two aged buildings, an alleyway poked out with barely any notice.

“He hates Zero- or Hiro now though. He’s the reason why Wren went crazy.”

The interior of the alley carried a scattered mess of blankets, journals, calendars, along with other miscellaneous things. Though a single journal stuck to being held, firm by the grasps of a boy. 

His sickly pale skin complemented his unkempt and grimy black hair. While his twig body shivered by the gentle cold. His boney fingers pointed at drawings from his one of many journals towards the girl next to him. “That’s Gabe when he got mad at Dannie after finding out.” His voice rasped. 

Observing the girl’s reaction, her expression perked to something of confusion. “How did Wren and Gabe get to that situation though?”

He rolled his eyes to the side. “I haven’t gotten that much into the backstory. But all I know is that they both got into a mess like Evie or Lucia.” Blinked twice. “It’s just that while Evie was mad at becoming a slave, Gabriel was mad because his entire life’s purpose was taken away from him… and he’s in denial about it being kinda his fault too.”

Her cocoa hair blocked the faces she made from the boy’s slouched position on the ground. However, she chirped up quickly enough. “Ayu, I’m really digging Gabriel right now.”

“Really,” Ayu questioned, sitting back up a little the process. “I thought he was kinda basic.”

“Yeah,” she turned her floor seat towards him, revealing her fair complexion made out of light makeup. “From what you told me so far. I’m guessing he’s being ignorant of his past mistakes completely and letting out all his anger to someone else, right? At least from what I can tell in this picture.”

“I guess so?”

“Okay, I didn’t screw up on reading the comic panel,” making a small clap with her hands. “That can be realistic if you do it right, but you can also mix in a theme with that-”

“Annette. No,” Ayu interrupted her. “When you talk about ‘theme’ and that stuff, I get more of a headache than every other minute of life,” he groaned. 

“Do you want me to get you some ibuprofens?”

“I’m fine.”

Annette nodded. “Well other than that, I still feel bad for Hiro,” she pouted. 

Ayu lifted a brow and eyed her. “He’s the one who trapped ten kids in a death maze.”

“But he’s trying to get better!”

He scoffed, “He still did bad things, that’s why Evie treated him like shit afterwards.”

“You’re the one giving him a redemption arc though?”

“I’m just trying to stay close to the original idea.” Ayu closed the book and chuck it to the side. “Even if I don’t really believe in it.”

Annette’s lips twitched. “He’s just trying to be a better person than before…”

“He was still a dick. Out of anything, you should be feeling bad for Wren.”

“How so?”

Ayu set his arms back. “He was lied to for most of his life and he only got killed in the end for having a different opinion, pretty much.”

“So, he’s pretty much a pity party?” Annette eyed him. Ayu already knew what she was telling with her expression. 

“No. He just go fucked over too much because of both Gabriel and Zero.” 

Annette rolled a shoulder, pulling back her hair in the process. “I guess I like all of them, anyways. I’m just still hoping you can pull it off well.” Her lashes fluttered in the dim lights. “Did you come up with Gabriel and Wren from your dreams again?”

Ayu hummed. “Kinda. I had a random dream last night where a guy shoots another guy with an arrow but gets sad about it. That’s how I got Wren’s death.”

“Anything else from it?”

“There was a bit more, but it’s blurry.”

“Any others dream while I haven’t been here,” She asked. 

Ayu blinked. “I just have that, some girl screwing herself over and getting her friend dead, then nothing.” 

Annette hesitated with her words. “No dreams of Lillie?”

Ayu paused, seeing Annette flinch from her own question. He buried his hands in his hoodie pockets and looked down. “… None of those.”

She apologized with her eyes narrowed. The area went silent for the two. A minute? Two? Ayu couldn’t tell. He could barely count with patience. 

“How long have you been here?”

“Huh? About an hour, I think…” She brought her phone to her view, checking the time. “God, we spent a lot of time goofing off.”

“You have homework, don’t you? You should go home, school’s tomorrow anyways.” 

“… Right.” Annette stood up, her tall figure looming before Ayu. A second of standing still, she face-palmed herself. “Oh god, I have three projects to do.”

“Then get on to it,” Ayu joked. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Annette grabbed back her already cleaned up board game and binder. “I’ll see you another time then.”

Before taking a turn back home, a “Bye” could be heard quietly over a car honking. 

Ayu studied the outside of the alleyway in silence. Every second brought a new face passing by, and it brought the reminder that no one noticed him staring. A child, a couple, a group of teens, they all went their own ways, not even taking a glance of something that’s nonexistent for them. 

The boy groaned, turning back and plopping his head to a pillow, gifted by Annette. As he slammed his body to the ground, the rough concrete hit him back. He winced like every other day when he fell over from exhaustion. Though, the routine of his ‘home’ was redundant. 

He muttered in his own silence, “Ow.”

At least he had a pillow unlike the first two years of four when living in the alleyway. 

Laying down, still and blank, Ayu sighed and grabbed his journal from the side again. He flipped through the thin paper, skimming past the art he made, and stopped at the next blank page. He crawled to grab the pencil he left on the other side of the alley earlier in the day, and crawled back to his pillow to write:

October 21st 201X

Came up with new caracters today, dont know what to do

Did noting else today, like usuel

I got a litle mad at Annette, probly was a bad idea

No monsters, No Akeldama

As Ayu moved his arms to store the book away, a voice halted him. 

“Looks like you’ll be having an insipid time again.”

Ayu jumped, sitting immediately and twisting his head around. Finding nothing, he sighed, “Speak of the Devil…” He then crossed out the note of ‘No Akeldama’ for the day. 

“Did you miss me from last time?”

Ayu leaned back to the rigid wall, conversing with the voice ringing across his head. “Just tell me what the hell is going on,” he groaned. 

“Oh child, you won’t be getting that anytime soon for sure,” The voice mocked him. 

“You’ve been telling that to me for how long?”

“I don’t know in all honestly, I’ve lost track of time after my first hundred years.”

Ayu leered at nothing. “Four years, Akeldama. Four years.”

“Ah right, you’re twelve now, correct?”

“Yeah. Turned twelve last June.” 

“Well, aside from that, have you met any new people?”

Ayu sighed. “I haven’t, luckily.”

“What a pity,” Akeldama sneered, “You were the kid that pouted about being lonely, yet once you get a friend, you don’t even want another one anymore.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re just a greedy brat.”

“What do you want now Akeldama?” Ayu’s mind raced quickly, his heart beating rapidly. 

“I was simply here to check if you were the same as before, which you are by the way,” he muttered. “Though I’m also here for something else on the matter of you.”

“Dear god, what now?” 

“Funny calling me ‘god’,” he chuckled, “but I think you’ll soon meet somebody you’ll get along with.”

“Wait…,” Ayu murmured. His eyes widened. “Akeldama don’t tell me-”

“You’ll be having fun for the next few months. I promise,” he reassured him. 

“You fucker,” Ayu yelled, slamming his fists onto the hard ground. Though, he brought both of them up immediately from the pain, gasping at the impact of the floor cracking. He held both tightly against one another as they both burned. 

“God, damn it Akeldama…”

No reply.

Ayu placed his head down into his knees and closed his eyes. His boney joints pressed against his forehead. Two deep breaths, then hold. 

He pulled his head back after seconds, groaning, “Why did I decide to go through with this…?”

Ayu’s eyes flutter back open as his stomach made a painful growl. 

“Right…” He clicked against his chapped lips. “When was the last time I ate?” 

The growl reminded him of the stomach pain from recent days, aching as he puckered. The pain bothered him, but Annette already left to his dismay. 

“I need to get food now then,” he muttered to himself. 

He hopped up from his sitting position, his bone-thin legs freezing up from the cold. Exiting the alleyway, Ayu turned to the grocery store route. 

He pulled up his hoodie quickly, his tired eyes being protected from the soft light. And he ventured out to treat himself to food and water rations.

*

A jug of water and a bag of bread, Ayu repeated to himself multiple times. 

The shop held multiple items to Ayu’s attention. Aisles carried shiny toys, colorful pencils and journals, to junk food and candy. Ayu stared at the chips bar, slurping up the slight drool dripping out of him. He shook his head. Bread and water. Bread and water. 

How long had it been for the boy to have a nice meal? When was the last time he had the sweets he loved?

Bread and water. 

When was his last chip binge? His coloring book sessions and playtime?

Stop being a bitch and get what you need already. He scolded in his head. 

He dashed to an unfamiliar aisle so his mind wouldn’t get dragged elsewhere. Stacks and piles of paper towels and toilet paper surrounded him through his short walk to the bakery. His head bobbed in a sigh that he didn’t need anything of such thanks to shop bathrooms and recreation center showers.

However, as soon as he exited the aisle, aromas of pastries and baked goods filled his senses. He ignored it since the shop’s goods were usually too sweet for him despite his tooth. Walking down, he read through the brands of bread, squinted his eyes to spell and read out some words himself. It was only until his found a decent bag of bread rolls did he go off to the drinks section. 

The sodas and fizzy pops caught eyes of most, though Ayu’s tongue had more of a distaste for it. He turned from the bright and dazzling colors to the row of water jugs. His memory of measurements buzzed in his mind, though not enough to remember how much a liter was compared to a gallon. 

After staring, his mind boggling on which was which, Ayu gave up and choose which one seemed like the largest. 

Ayu ended up carrying the bread rolls in one hand and the three-gallon jug of water with the other by his stick arms. He walked out of the aisle, closing in on the exit. 

He stepped with hesitant feet. His head twisted and turned to assure nobody near him. A single bump from someone else and he could be done for the day. 

He swept through the cashiers. His scattered gaze wandered through all of them left and right. But in a single heartbeat, his body already went passed them unlike his mind. 

Ayu sighed and took a step towards the store exit. His guilt cultivated him like every other time he’s done this. It’s better for me. Even if I don’t actually need it-

A grip of a hand pulled him back from leaving. Ayu’s heart froze as his breath started to stutter immediately. He turned slowly, and echo of a voice ringing loudly to him. I’m fucked. 

“Hey…” He saw the face of the one who grabbed him by the arm. He was around the same age as him, younger maybe, but shorter for sure. “Hey…” His light brown skin shined by the store’s lights along with the freckles dotted around his nose and cheeks. While his soft green eyes glared at him in confusion. His dark red hair was also a first for Ayu to see-

“Hey!” the kid repeated himself. Ayu blinked spastically, his breathing still frigid. “What are you doing with that?”

---

Ten Dollars | Next>>>

[sheenawilde]

Whatever I said - Chapter 5

You can also read it on AO3.

Only when Robbie could already see Heathrow from the taxi did he pull out his phone and dialed Ayda’s number. He wanted to have some distance, some breathing space between himself and Gary before he could think about his life he was going back to. Even if it was the right thing to do, what he knew he’ll be glad for choosing – he needed to clear his head of the memories of the past few blissful days he had spent with Gary.

“Hi, Robbie” he heard Ayda’s voice over the phone. It sounded tired and somewhat tentative, even if she tried to cover up for it.

“Hey, hon. Were you asleep? I didn’t wake up you, did I?” Robbie asked a bit worried, calculating to LA time. It was about 1 am. Oh, he hated time zones.

“I was just dozing in front of the TV. It doesn’t matter” she replied dismissingly. “What’s up?”

“I’m- I’m almost at Heathrow, my flight home is in an hour” he started with the important part, just to get over with it and to calm Ayda. He knew she wanted to know that first, anyway.

“That’s – that’s good, you’ll be here today then” Ayda said and sounded honestly surprised. Robbie guessed that would be fair, after how he had just left on an impulse…

“Yeah, at about one in the afternoon. Josie has already arranged everything, so you don’t have to come and get me. I don’t want to attract attention, and anyway, I want to sleep when I get home, so we’ll talk after I get my beauty sleep” he tried to joke, hoping that he could actually convince her not to greet him at the airport – as sweet as that usually was, he didn’t want to meet her fresh at arrival. He knew he would need a shower in his own house, a fresh change of clothes and a few hours of refreshment to be able to face her. He hoped that the trip home and that rest would make the past week more of a memory than it felt now, because he didn’t intend to mope in front of Ayda… He was sure of his decision but that didn’t mean he wasn’t sad. He missed Gary already, especially that he knew he had just destroyed every remaining hope for their friendship…

“Alright, if that’s what you want” Ayda agreed without another word, fortunately, and that made Robbie sigh in relief.

“Good. Then… Then see you later?” he asked, trying to sound cheerful and hoped that he didn’t sound too ridiculous with this failed attempt.

“Sure, darling. Have a nice flight!” Ayda told him before she hung up.

Robbie felt like he didn’t have the right for anything nice.

After the taxi dropped him off and he managed to find his gate which wasn’t open yet, he searched for his seat that was secluded enough so he wouldn’t be bothered or recognized. With nothing else to do, he grabbed his phone to check his messages. He was afraid of what he might have received but he had to face Mark’s wrath eventually… There weren’t any messages yet, and now that he thought about it, Gary wasn’t really the one to start dumping his feelings on someone at the first opportunity he got… He decided that if he didn’t hear anything from either of them until the next day, he’d call Mark.

The flight back was worse than anything. There was nothing to keep his thoughts occupied except for the past few days, the past few hours, the guilt he felt for being so selfish, for practically using Gary, for doing what he was told a hundreds of times not to do… He was horrible. He ended up where he had started from, with the only thing he accomplished being breaking Gary’s heart. Spending ten hours with these thoughts wasn’t exactly a pleasure, but he supposed this was the least he deserved.

As the plane landed at LAX, he immediately searched for the taxi that was waiting for him. He didn’t want to draw much attention to himself, the last thing he needed was fucking paparazzi catching him in this state of mind. In the end he might do something he’d later regret, so yeah, avoiding a run-in would be for the best. But fortunately he managed to find the taxi pretty fast, so he jumped in and closed his eyes while they were driving home. He had tried to sleep on the plane but couldn’t really, and ten hours of squirming in the seat had worn him off. He just wanted to get home, get into bed and sleep off the jetlag and, hopefully, his bad mood.

When the car finally pulled up to his house, he felt as exhausted as possible. He really only wanted to get into bed and sleep till the next day. He walked in the house, peeking into the living room to see if Ayda was there, but the room was empty. However much he wanted to go straight to bed, he had to greet her first. So he walked out to the garden, finding her reading a magazine while sitting in a chair on the terrace. Their son was lying in a crib next to her and their daughter was playing with some toys in the grass.

“Hi, honey” Robbie called out for her silently, not wanting to wake their son if he was asleep.

“Oh, hi, Rob” Ayda smiled as she turned towards him in her chair, resting her magazine in her lap. “How was your flight?”

“Tiring. I want to go straight to sleep. Just thought I’d say hi” Robbie smiled at her, then suppressed a yawn.

“Alright, go ahead. We’ll talk when you wake up” she nodded at that, and raised her magazine again.

“Okay, bye, hon” Robbie nodded too, then went back into the house.

He dragged himself inside and up to the bedroom, stripped to his underwear, and slipped into the bed. Despite being so tired, despite being home, despite knowing they’d had an agreement with Gary, he felt the guilt hard and heavy inside him. Sleep was a safe haven from it that he didn’t feel he deserved. This thought – and his memories of the previous days – kept him awake, tossing and turning in the bed for at least an hour before he finally fell asleep.

Robbie awoke sometime around noon. He knew immediately, without checking a clock because of the bright light that was shining in the windows, flooding the room. He lay there for a good few minutes, just staring into nothingness, still not quite awake before he could find it in himself to sit up. A shower was very much need, he decided, because he felt sweaty and smelly and just overall uncomfortable. So he headed to the bathroom and soaked under the hot running water for at least twenty minutes, as if trying to wash away the past week. After he was ready and dressed, he headed downstairs to face Ayda.

Robbie found her in the living room, lying on the couch and reading a book.

“Hey” he said with a small smile as he stopped in the doorway for a moment, then walked in, choosing an armchair for himself to sprawl out in.

“Hi, honey” Ayda looked up, smiling back at him and lowered the book to her lap. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, slept like a log. These long flights always tire me” Robbie answered, leaning his head against the backrest and closed his eyes. “Where are the kids?”

“They’re sleeping, it’s their afternoon nap” Ayda said with a fond smile on her lips.

“Ah, right. That’s good. A little peace and quiet then” Robbie smirked, at which Ayda chuckled and shook her head. “Why? You’ve been home alone with them, don’t tell me you’re not enjoying a little break!”

“I didn’t say that!” Ayda protested jokingly, still laughing. Silence settled between them and their smiles slowly died down as the certain elephant in the room emerged in their thoughts. They knew the other was thinking about that, too, it wasn’t too hard to figure out. “How are you?” Ayda asked finally in a soft voice.

“Good” Robbie shrugged, then dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap. “I’ll cope. I don’t feel like I should be the one to whine.”

“Rob…” Ayda started gently, but Robbie didn’t let her finish.

“No, it’s alright. I know this” he shook his head, still refusing to look up at her. “I just disappeared without a word and did what I did. Jesus, if anything, you should be shouting with me!”

“Well, I’m not, and I won’t” she declared strictly, then after a few moments continued in a gentler tone. “If you want to talk about it…”

“No. It’s- It’s over there, it ended over there and I’m here. I just- If you are not angry at me, then I want to leave the distance where it is” he said quickly. The last thing he wanted was to talk about Gary with his wife. Not that Ayda wouldn’t be understanding, but it was just wrong. “I’m in for a scolding from Mark anyway. I seriously fear for my life” he said humorlessly, staring into the air with a somber look on his face.

Ayda was silent after that – she didn’t know what to tell him. Robbie didn’t blame her, it was a horribly awkward situation he had put themselves. That was exactly why he didn’t want to discuss it any further. If he wanted to keep his marriage as good as it had been until now, then there shouldn’t be awkward silences. They never had those, they could always talk about something, even if it was only meaningless and utterly stupid joking around. He wanted his marriage alive.

Robbie wished he didn’t sound like he was trying to convince himself.

As the day progressed, his mood got better. Having his wonderful children around again was amazing, he missed them so much. It at least distracted him if nothing else, as he had to watch his daughter move around and had to change the nappies his son used, then they prepared a snack for them, then it was playtime again and then dinner and sleep time… It was a busy day, always keeping Rob occupied, so he didn’t really have time to worry, only when it was already evening.

When he and Ayda decided to turn in for the night, he grabbed his laptop and lay down on the bed, putting it in his lap. First thing first, he knew he had to check his messages. So he opened his email account, somewhat dreading what he would find.

It was a short email from Mark, only saying ‘Call me’. That was bad. Really, really bad.

Robbie looked at his clock. It showed 11 pm, so plus eight hours… It meant it was 7 am in London. Quite a reasonable time to call. He had called Mark in more inappropriate hours without a second thought, and anyway, they were always mocking him how he didn’t wake up ‘in time’. It shouldn’t be that early then.

“Honey, I have to call Mark” he turned to Ayda, who was reading beside him in the bed, as he closed his laptop and put it aside, then reached for his phone. “I don’t know how long it’ll take, so you don’t have to wait for me. And I’ll try to be silent.”

“Alright. I’ll just read for a few more minutes” Ayda nodded and decided not to make any comment. She saw how Robbie wasn’t quite there whole day, how he focused on the kids to not let it show through… Ayda knew that all she could do now was to wait and be there if needed.

Robbie smiled at her, then went out of the room, hurrying downstairs, so he would be far enough from the kids’ room not to wake them up accidentally. He sat down at the couch, stared at his phone for a few moments, then took a deep breath and dialed.

“Hey, Mark” he said slowly when the other picked up.

“Rob” Mark replied coolly, then silence settled in between them.

“I take it you have talked to Gary?” Robbie asked anxiously, afraid of both the answer and Mark.

“Yes” Mark said, his voice even colder and that was answer enough in itself for Robbie’s next question. Not that he would have needed to have it spelled out.

“How is he?”

“What do you think?” Mark said and he sounded very angry. When Robbie didn’t say anything to that, he continued. “What do you expect me to say? I warned you. And Gary, too. I don’t think I have anything else to add. He was an idiot, too, I told him as much when he called me in the middle of the night and I went over to him. But you… You have your wife, your family with you, it was easier for you to take it all back… So I might be a bit more pissed at you.”

“I know. I didn’t… You know that I didn’t want Gaz to be hurt… I just…” Robbie tried to gather his thoughts, to formulate an answer, something, anything in his defense…

“You just weren’t thinking” Mark finished instead of him. He sighed before continuing. “Look, just… I don’t know what to tell to you. I think you should just avoid Gary for a while. It should be easy with you over there. And… despite everything, don’t torture yourself. He agreed to it. Believe me, I’m going to scold him, too, when he… when he doesn’t look suicidal.”

“Alright… Thanks” Robbie mumbled into the phone while he stared into the darkness outside.

“I’ll go now. I want to sleep while he’s sleeping, too, so I can be awake with him” Mark said, and his voice did sound very tired.

“Yeah, sure. Then… write me if you need anything… or if something happens” Robbie said silently, not quite knowing what to say. Mark would understand that he meant – if Gary got any worse than that.

“I will. Good night” Mark promised, then hung up.

Robbie just stayed sitting there, staring out the window with his phone still beside his ear. Then slowly, he dropped it to the carpet, and curled up. His stomach felt heavy with guilt, his thoughts and emotions were rushing through him and he could hardly keep up with himself. He didn’t go back to the bedroom to Ayda, somewhere in the middle of his self-pity, he fell asleep on the couch.

Robbie woke up there in the morning, with the only change being that his phone was now on the table and there was a blanket carefully laid over him. It must have been Ayda, he thought to himself as he slowly sat up, wincing as he straightened his back. It hurt like a bitch – spending the night on a couch above forty wasn’t a wise decision. He really should remember that, even when he was upset…

Rubbing his eyes, he stood up and started walking towards the kitchen as he heard noises coming from that direction. He hadn’t checked what time it was, but it must have been breakfast time. He had to get ready for acting like nothing happened, for playing the earlier version of himself that hadn’t gotten into this mess. He used to be good at hiding his emotions, but he never had to do that beside Ayda. It looked like he had to see if he could still do it.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 6