#which would be extra odd since I'm not breastfeeding

[active-maggie]

MFW I am convincing myself the weird pain and red spot in my armpit is from being over zealous with the assisted pull-ups and I should not start googling symptoms

[the-exercist]

In honor of my daughter turning two months old today (Have you wondered where I've been? That's the big reason I'm so offline), here's my rendition of:

Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy, Labor, and Postpartum Life

Because we typically don't get to hear about a lot of the nitty gritty and, even as someone who took pain to educate herself beforehand, many of these things took me by surprise. Pregnant folk deserve to be prepared for the road ahead.

Pregnancy:

We start counting the age of a fetus at your last menstrual cycle, meaning that you are already two weeks pregnant on the day of conception

You will continue to get "period cramps" throughout pregnancy. This is because your uterus is expanding, and that muscle stretch does not feel good.

You may also experience round ligament pain, which is an incredibly sharp pain around your groin due to your ligaments stretching. I would get it if I moved too quickly or sneezed, and the pain would knock the wind out of me.

You are recommended against sleeping on your back while pregnant. In addition to being dangerous for the fetus, due to putting pressure on a major blood vessel, it can make you feel horribly nauseous and light headed. Get used to side sleeping.

Nasal congestion during pregnancy is a thing. Your nasal passages may constrict to the point that you have difficulty breathing during certain parts of the day.

You will be peeing frequently even before the fetus is large enough to press on your bladder. Since your body is producing extra blood, your kidneys have more to filter, so you will be visiting the bathroom way more often right from the start

Labor and Aftermath (C-section):

Cervical checks, where your doctor uses their fingers to measure how dilated you are, are very painful in the beginning but get easier as labor progresses.

You cannot actually induce labor. All of those old wives tricks, like curb walking or having sex, will only induce contractions. So engaging in them will likely only prolong your pain without making the baby come any sooner.

A side effect of the epidural is uncontrollable shaking. It hits right as the epidural wears off and can last for several hours, making it difficult to use your hands

You may not be physically able to pee after getting a c section. Your body loses the ability to control those muscles, leading to urinary retention that can last for a few hours or even a day or two. Even once you can pee again, your body may lose the sense of urinary urgency for a week or more, meaning you can't feel if you have to use the bathroom.

Congrats, you're still getting intense "period cramps." This time, it is your uterus contracting back to it's original size. The cramps get worse while breastfeeding.

IVs pump you so full of liquids that you may experience severe edema, aka foot swelling. This can last roughly two weeks and can reach the point that you can feel your feet sloshing around when you walk.

Postpartum:

Breastfeeding hurts. Your nipples may get torn up, but even so, the latch itself can feel like you are getting stabbed. For the first ~4 weeks, I had to take a deep breath, brace myself, and power through the sharp pain.

The "Let Down" also hurts/aches. This is when your milk releases and begins to flow. It may happen after the baby latches or randomly during the day and then your shirt is suddenly dripping wet. It feels like your boob muscles are stretching.

Lochia is your bloody discharge afterward. It can last for weeks, and it's worth wearing postpartum diapers to deal with it.

Keep taking your stool softeners even after you're all healed up. Breastfeeding can cause constipation.

You can get pregnant again right away, even if you haven't had your period yet. Breastfeeding will not reliably prevent it. Plan your birth control well before you're cleared for sex at six weeks.

Got a question? Want to share another odd tidbit? Add it here!