#which turned out. meh. but in my defense it was cramped

[stygeanbluebasilsprout]

I know Halloween was yesterday but day of the dead is tomorrow so today is perfect to post día de los muertos Sluggo

[watermonkey0]

My Answer

4th Point of Contact - “My Answer” - Do Kyungsoo x Harper Hasagawa

I had to admit that it was nice having a full size shower again. Months in that cramped camping half bath felt like it had permanently curved my spine. Now I could stretch out in my combined bathroom shower suite thing. This was something the US should definitely implement: bathrooms that were all tile and a shower head built into the wall. How easy was that? You could shave your legs on the sink, and there was no tub to overflow. Why was this not a standard thing? 

It was easy to forget about the things that were going wrong in here, like the rushing water somehow managed to wash my thoughts away. Between the drops, I didn’t have to worry about Cat or how she was getting around in a country she was banned from, or about the faceless girl I had maimed. All my theories regarding CEO Kim could finally take a rest under the water, and the lingering fear that I’d sold my soul to a reporter eased its grip.

Before I knew it my time was up, and I had to return to earth. The descent was always the worst part, like I was peeling off a whole layer of skin and was forced to go back without my calluses. With a scowl, I wiped the fog from the mirror and surveyed the damage. The bruises from my crash landing last month were finally fading and I could see my face again for what it was. My hair that had somehow dulled in the California sunshine seemed like the gold was coming back, and the eyes that had stared blankly at me for months seemed like they held a secret again. There was no point in denying what the mirror was saying, and I accepted it readily: my glow was back. Someone had jammed their thumb on the play button. Leaving Seoul may have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but I was beginning to learn that one’s path is not always straight. I had to leave, I had to go, just for the sake of coming back and realizing what I had given up. Harper Hasagawa was apparently Korean now, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I threw on a tank top and underwear, not worried about formalities in my bedroom. It was such a blessing to have a private bathroom and not have to share the communal men’s room at the end of the hall. Although it was probably cleaner than mine, Minseok would no doubt see to that, sometimes a girl just has to dance around her room naked, ya know?

The dorm I usually shared with Cat was quiet and cold. Her bed was crisply made, and even though she had hardly any personal affects, I could see leftover traces of her, proof that she had been there and that she was coming back. Growing up in the shadow of the United States government had taught her not to cherish anything, because it would ultimately be taken away. But I knew that she always kept a cache of sweets on her at all times, or that she hated using pillows. There was a toothbrush here and an earring back there, signs that she was comfortable enough, stable enough to be clumsy.

My months in the states had always been highlighted with how much I missed: I missed the boys, I missed the food, the smell, the life of Seoul, I missed Tuesday martial arts day, I missed staying up all night and listening to my boys sing, but most of all (which was maybe an overstatement but meh) I missed Cat. In Japan she had been a ghost, slipping in and out as she pleased, never there for long or gone for long. She was consistent in her absence at least. That was her usual, it was our rapport.

But now? Hell, I couldn’t even go a day back home without calling or texting her. We were a pair, she and I. Two peas in a super depressing, slightly toxic pod. But she never missed a morning text either! I wasn’t alone in our bromance. Granted she threatened to quit nearly every day that I was gone, but it was unfailing. I needed me some Cat just as badly as she needed her Hasa. Although, I could be giving myself too much credit. I might need her just as much as she wanted Yixing. That could be a possible comparison too. With a shrug, I dropped my own argument. No sense in fighting the battle when she wasn’t even here to decide the outcome.

I palmed my wet hair with a towel and danced over to my desk where small pieces of paper were scattered over the top, scribbled with beginner Hangul and even-more-beginner Hànzì. I slid the flashcards around, forming and reforming a sentence, sounding out the syllables to see if I’d done it right. The internet told me this would be the fastest way to learn the characters, but the more time I spent on it, the more annoyed I became. Learning Spanish had not been this difficult. Then again, there was the obvious fact that I hadn’t had to relearn a whole alphabet just so I could pass my junior year of high school. Spanish was cake compared to this.

I was just sounding out the word for ‘banana’ when the creak of my door being thrown open made me jump. My flash cards slid out of line, skewing my fruit cocktail. With a fake huff of anger I turned to glare at my intruder. Kyungsoo stood in the doorway, hand still wrapped around the knob. He was in black sweatpants, a grey hoodie, and slippers, the ultimate sign of casual. It was such a rare occurrence that they didn’t have something going on tonight, that the moment they realized it was a ‘free night’, Junmyeon had declared an obligatory night for everyone to stay in and relax. It was why I’d let myself take an extra-long shower…ten minutes was a new record.

The slippered man was probably just here to see what I wanted for dinner, but when my eyes skipped up to his face, his normal enduring expression was not what I found. Instead, he was wide eyed, his whole face opening to his shock. It took a moment (admittedly a longer moment than it should have) before I realized what he was so startled by:

No pants.

I glanced down at my bare thighs and then back up to his dazed face. It wasn’t like this was the first time he’d seem some forbidden part of me. I mean, he’d helped that EMT cut my shirt off during the dream concert last year, and I’m sure there had been wardrobe malfunctions during Tuesdays that no one ever addressed. I’d worn less in front of him before, so it wasn’t quite so clear why he was so staggered by it now.

Don’t kid yourself, Harper…You know why he’s staring.

Heat crept up my neck as the photo shoot came galloping back into my mind from wherever I’d managed to banish it. His hands, his chest, his eyes, his lips—

Fuck.

With as much subtlety as I could muster, I lowered my towel to cover as much of my legs as possible, without giving away the fact that I was trying. I blinked a few times and pursed my lips, hoping that it schooled my face into something off-the-cuff as I asked,

“What’s up?” I turned back to my flash cards, pretending I wasn’t interested in his answer, using my free hand to rearrange them, ignoring the fact that I couldn’t concentrate enough to figure out what it said. Did this say ‘banana’ or did this say ‘thirsty’? Who knew?

I waited for him to right himself, to clear his throat or stomp out, yelling at my indecency over his shoulder…but nothing happened. It was only at the sound of a soft ‘click’ that I realized that this was not going to be like the other times.

That ‘click’ of my door was final, the final nail in the coffin we’d built for ourselves. His steps were soft, but I heard them. Years of combat experience and training made sure that I did. One foot after the other as he stepped in, stepped up. There would be no running away this time, no cut call, or formality. We were entombed in here, and his steps were so so soft. He’d trapped us in this impossible situation, and he still somehow found the nerve to whisper my name.  

“Harper…”

My breath hitched in my chest just hearing it on his lips, and my hand froze. Those damned heart shaped lips that I craved in my sleep. Frantically, I searched for something to distract him. There would be no way I could survive if he was coming in here sounding like that, like he was a walking dream and all I had to do was breathe him in.

“Look!” I grabbed two cards from the desk, dropping the towel like an afterthought, and held them up to his face. He was much closer to me now, having advanced well beyond whatever line we’d drawn. “I’ve been practicing.” I forced as much enthusiasm into my voice as I could, hoping it would deter him. Maybe if he thought I was busy studying, he wouldn’t want to start something he couldn’t finish. Maybe he’d take his lips, and his eyes, and his breath that I felt spreading over my face…and he’d go away.

Please, please…just go away.

But he didn’t.

Gently, I watched him reach up and hook his long fingers around my wrists, lowering the cards, getting them out of his way. He’d battered down my defense in one swift move. A gulp lodged in my throat as I caught my own reflection in the white of his eyes. I didn’t know how to win this fight, or even how to contend. If we had been sparring, I would be spinning away from him, putting distance between us…and that seemed like my only available option. He didn’t keep my arms once he’d pushed them away, and I took a step back, feeling the edge of the desk bump into the back of my thighs.

So much for my strategic retreat.

“Kyungsoo…” I whispered frantically, bracing my hands against the desk, pushing as far back as I could go. It was all I could manage to say, all my voice would allow. His name would have to be what broke the spell because despite all the languages that I knew…nothing else was making its way out. His name was all I could say as he took the final step into my space.

The first thing to touch me were his hips against mine and then he leaned over me, hands bracing behind me on the desk. I cast my eyes down, into the crook of his neck, down to his chest as it pressed up against my own.

“Tell me to stop.” His lips grazed against my ear, breath cascading down my neck. My body reacted without my say so. I should have flinched, should have shoved him away, but instead, I turned my head into him, my forehead brushing his ear.

“Say no.” His voice was so low, so earthy, so much like a growl that I felt it reverberate from his chest into my own. I could feel his heartbeat pressed against me, hammering. One of his hands found its way to the small of my back and slowly slid up, leaving a hot trail of goose bumps as he barely barely touched me.

“Scream at me to leave.” He begged, but at the same time, turned his face to me, pressing those lips against my head again.

It was too much. He was too much. My nails were digging into the lip of the desk for dear life, trying desperately to remind myself that this should not be happening, that I needed to come back to reality. Come down to earth! Reenter the atmosphere! You can’t breathe in outer space, you can’t survive out there, you aren’t supposed to live among the stars.

Kyungsoo was a star, he was the sun. He was blazing hot, and the longer I dared brave the fire, the worse my burns would be. I knew that. God, I knew that, but I still let my head tilt back and my eyes drift close. I still let a moan escape the back of my throat that sounded suspiciously like his name, and it seemed to stall him. He pulled back, taking his fire with him, and I was momentarily able to breathe.

“You can’t say my name like that…” Both his hands snaked up to either side of my face, cupping my cheeks. I knew what I would find if I opened my eyes: Him. I would see his familiar face, his big brown eyes, those iconic lips. And then I would see every conversation we’d ever had in the lines around his mouth, and all the secrets I’d entrusted to him and no one else in the crinkle of his eyes. I’d see the man who put every ounce of himself into everything he did. And I knew that if I opened my eyes and saw all of that, I would have to admit that…I wasn’t strong enough to leave any of it behind again.

A blurry thought popped into my head that this was all CEO Kim’s fault. If he hadn’t forced me into a scandal, if Kyungsoo hadn’t volunteered, if we hadn’t kissed in the dark of night under the fake rain for every eye to see…maybe we could have gone on like none of this was real. Like nothing that we felt for each other was true. He could write it off as Stockholm Syndrome, he the beauty, I the beast.

But no…our kiss in the damn rain had ignited something. Something neither of us could fight any longer.

“You can’t, cause I…I don’t think I can control myself if you say it like that.” He pressed his lips to my eye lids, speaking against my skin.

“Kyungsoo…” My mouth parted with his name again and I felt his whole body tense. He was trying desperately to contain himself, literally begging me to send him away. He knew this was forbidden too, it wasn’t like I was the only one with something to lose. Our foreheads pressed together, his fingers tangled in my wet hair, and I could feel his plea.

“Tell me to stop, Harper. Tell me to leave right now, because if you don’t…I never will.”  

For a moment, I considered giving him what he asked for, sending him away. I wasn’t sure what would happen if he pulled back completely and I opened my eyes to find him gone. Would I freeze to death? Would his fire singe my nerves, making it so I couldn’t feel anything at all? If he disappeared now…would I ever find him again?

The prospect of him never leaving was blissful. It was the kind of promise he knew I was weak for. Two years of cold beds and lonely nights wares down a heart that was once full, and that had always been evident to anyone who knew how to look at me. I was tired, and I was cold. Perhaps I could touch the flame this once, let it restore me, let my soul bask in the glow for a while before coming back down.

It was admirable that I entertained the alternative for so long considering the fractured state of my heart. Admirable, but at the same time, futile. I’d already made up my mind the moment my door had clicked shut, I just had to accept it.

I wanted him. I wanted him to light me on fire, engulf me, scorch me. I wanted to feel everything, and nothing at all. So I gave him his answer:

My nails dislodged themselves from the desk and crept around his waist. He tensed even more, and I felt his brows furrow against my own.

“Stay.”