#which means house ours no more stress no more weird limbo situation

[x-rambles]

June 15, 2023

I do not want to ruin my life.

I appreciate my attorney's advice, and of course, she's the expert. It would be best not to continue "pouring money" into this house without being clear.

The house did not appraise. This means I would have to give 15k...

There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I do not feel good living with my boyfriend. I do not want to live with a man who is unsure of me. I do not feel comfortable with his perspective of me. He's unsure, he has questions, and he.....I cannot focus on him. I wrote at the top of my journal, Why do I want to be married? It's an important question for me to reflect on.

Unfortunately, I know a big part of this is not wanting to spend time in "limbo" which in some ways is what my relationship feels like. I also don't feel good...I don't want to spend my birthday with him (again) I don't feel confident in his ability to make me feel special. Unfortunately, I just suspect that because of his view of me, as selfish, and not giving enough, makes him unable to give to me. Some of it can also be our differences, he may not see gifts in the same way. But I do feel that he used to be giving, and he's not anymore. Like--he's not thinking to do anything special for me, and also...his financial situation is very particular at the moment.

If I'm honest in so many ways my twenty-fifth year has been Hell. I pushed myself so hard, to do so many things. And I have done so many things. I'm proud to have a driver's license, a teaching license, and a new, higher-paying job, and I know that I will be proud to own a house too.

Even closing on a house where. I pull money out of my pocket and am left with barely any savings, I will be proud. It's crazy, these accomplishments, do not fill me up. These accomplishments do not make me whole. Yes, I grow, and I learn, but they do not make me love myself. I've pushed myself in such a big way, and I have not been taking care of myself as much as I intend to.

I remember talking to my friend once, I said the to-do list never stops growing. It's true. I genuinely feel that, when I get my house, I will focus on myself. I know for sure, I'll have to stay in my house most of the time. I want to journal, I want to pray, and I will invest in therapy (may have to put off French class) but therapy is a NEED.

I would rather deplete my house with these savings. I truly have faith that the money can come back. I have to believe I can get reliable enough tenants, who will pay their share. My alternative is spending A LOT on rent. If I don't move forward with the house I keep renting? Continuing to rent does not feel like an option. I love my apartment, I love all it's done for me, and I will miss it, but I have to move on.

I have to remember that refusing to continue renting is not ruining my life. My boyfriend thinks living together would be a good "test" he told his mom we'd see how it is, to "test" how we feel for each other. I am not a test. And he would view living together as a test. I do not want to ruin my life by leaving my apartment. My house still feels complete up in the air "there are aspects of real estate that nobody controls" and it's so easy to Would've, Should've, Could've--but if only I had more comfort zones in life. I was dealt my hand in life, and I could never pretend that the blessings and favor were not abundant,

Realistically my options look like:

-I move out of my apartment, save. the $$ living with my boyfriend, and soldier through this process for two months max, ending with much smaller savings and closing on my house. I will stress about my tenants, I will RUSH & JUGGLE to get things in order for tenants, and AirBnB (ASAP)--it may help move things along, and I'll PRAY by the time I'm in front of students, I'd be stable

I would still need to talk with my boyfriend about dividing money while living together.

-I move out of my apartment, save the $$ living with my boyfriend, shit hits the fan, it's weird and confusing, and I SOB because the deal dies. I pray gratitude that my deposit is returned, so my savings are still intact. I keep saving... I can talk with my boyfriend about how we'd have to divide $, I'd still be saving without rent, utility, and wifi Bills. I'd have to talk with myself--I cannot be a test. Do I requalify with this program in September? When do I decide to leave his home?

Either I close on the house, or I do not close on the house. But if I'm honest, the house is so perfect. I really feel in my heart that it's meant to be mine. I'm not compromising on anything with this house. My only compromise is sacrificing a big piece of my savings...

There are still negotiations, and I still have professionals working. on this. I'm overwhelmed, with all the shit going on, I am overwhelmed. I have so much shit I have to do, and yet, I feel very depressed. I'm not really able to do anything, not able to be productive...

I have never overwhelmed myself like this before in my life. But I know that I always work, I always do things. And at the end. of the day, a lot of these things, I lot of these requirements have a time clock on them...the time will pass either way.

There is a lot going on. When there's more information I'll be able to update. In 12 days, I will be 26 years old.

XoXo, C.

[nortnaibz]

if we dont get to talk to them abt the house on wednesday im seriously going to lose it <3

[lunamanar]

Embodiment

So, the last three or four years have been...rough. It’s weird, the way time seems to warp when you’re going through something. You think of your current, extended trauma as being somehow apart from the life you were living before it started, and you keep thinking it’s just temporary, and that once it’s over, you’ll be able to get back to the way things were. Time will start again. ‘Now’ doesn’t really count. 

And you keep waiting for “now” to be over...but it just keeps going, and pretty soon you’re not sure if it’s ever going to end. Like you’ve been diverted down some darker timeline that isn’t really yours, but there’s also no going back. 

It feels horrible. It feels like you’ve been lied to. This wasn’t part of the plan, it was supposed to be a detour that would ultimately circle back to the main road, and home. Now you’re in some strange place, you’re lost, you have no GPS signal, and the 'detour’ has vanished behind you. Wherever you are, you’re here. ‘Home’ is a memory. This is it, this mess is your life, now, and you never wanted it to be this way, but you can’t change it, so you have to find some way of living with it...and with your grief. 

I spent three years thinking I was still on the detour, waiting for the moment everything felt safe again and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief that it was all over. I thought that moment would come when I bought this house. When my husband finally moved up with me from the old house. When I finally started working from home. When I got my promised raise. When I finished the last of my three years of training. When, finally, I sold my old house. 

But months after that last milestone was reached, I was still lost. I’ve been working steadily in the job I’d fought so hard to acquire. I managed to keep in touch with Tumblr and Discord for the first couple years, but as time dragged on and my schedule never quieted, my energy began to flag. I fought that; I’ve done everything I can to make this new house Like Home. The walls are painted, pictures are hung (which is more progress than we made on the old house in our 6 years of living there!), we replaced flooring. I got a new computer, a monster rig I built myself that will hopefully last me another 10 years, just like its predecessor. Got a new car. I’ve done everything to infuse this place with myself, my family, my interests. Everything that makes me who I am. Everything outward about my life would have you believe that I’ve settled, that this is home to me, now. It should be. 

And still, I’ve found myself holding my breath, waiting for Time to start again. 

It’s been so confusing. Nothing makes sense: why haven’t things gone back to normal? Why do I feel so displaced? Why doesn’t my bed feel like it used to at the other place? Why can’t I concentrate? Why can’t I feel safe enough, settled enough to go back to writing? After all this struggle and accomplishment, why do I feel like such a goddamn failure?

Where’s that feeling I used to have of connectedness? Of confidence? What’s happened to me that I’m so insecure and lost-feeling, flinching at every perceived danger to my self-worth? I’ve done so much, come so far! Everything should be fine. I shouldn’t be this broken. I’ve built this life, this house all around me. I should be home, by now. 

This confusion, and the creeping fear and despair that follows it, along with a grueling work schedule, has resulted not only in my continued silence (albeit with occasional pop-ins to deal with situations of immediacy, like the tumblr purge, as well as simply to indicate “I’m not dead, no one steal my url plz lol”), but a stagnation in my creativity. Not that I haven’t raged against the dying of the light--not a week goes by I don’t open a story I’d been working on in 2015 and at least stare at it for a few minutes--but the vision, the enthusiasm I had for them before eluded me, and any words I put down were more this seems to go here than this is what happened, like I was finishing someone else’s abandoned jigsaw puzzle. I could still see where all the pieces went and even how they fit together, but that’s not how it’s supposed to work for me. I feel my way through my writing puzzles. I know what goes where, because I just know. I don’t have to look. 

That was gone, and it was the same everywhere. These stories felt vast and overwhelming, and I was no longer grand enough to contain them. I wasn’t an integral part of them, like I had been. I was just another visitor, constantly checking my map, trying to figure out just where the hell I was going with all this. I was small and too disconnected to feel like I had the authority to write for this world, or any other. To say anything about it at all, really. I’d gone away, and like so many other spectres of home, it didn’t know me, anymore. 

To say I’ve felt isolated, even abandoned, for the past several months, would be an understatement. I’ve blamed no one but myself. I made the choice to take this job, to uproot myself and move everything and everyone I knew to a place none of us had lived before, on the premise that it would make our lives better. I’m the one who turned off the main road. I was behind the wheel, for all of this. If that frankly traumatic process had destroyed my ability to be open, to be grand, to remember how to feel and lift up all of the things I love and let them breathe through my words, then that was my fault. 

It sounds dramatic, I guess. But, I imagine, a lot of people who write understand this experience of feeling at once both insignificantly small and unfathomably vast all at once, where you can feel exactly how the influence of your words changes the world and its story as you write them, such that you don’t really have to think about it; you change the trajectory slightly, and the world in your head shifts with it naturally. You don’t have to remember to change this or that detail later to align it. You already know it’s changed to reflect what you’ve done, because of course it has. You know what a character would say in any given situation, because you put them in it and they’re there, saying it. You at once have no real control over it, while being utterly tuned into it, to the point of omniscience. Being unable to access that part of yourself is suffocating.  

The worst part is when you know that you’re the one choking yourself, but you have no idea how to stop. I know I’m home, everything is okay, so why don’t I feel like it? I could do this, before, I could feel this, before. Where has that feeling gone? Why can’t I remember?

In the midst of this whole transition, I’d slowly stopped doing things that connected me with those feelings. I stopped listening to much music because I had no time. I stopped taking walks because I was too tired and I didn’t know the area. I stopped going on long drives just to talk and listen to music with my husband, because gas is expensive and the tags on that car are expired (still). And, let’s be honest: I stopped taking the pain medication that made relaxing so I could get into that headspace a hell of a lot easier. 

Somehow no single one of these faded habits seemed significant, and by themselves, they probably weren’t. But together, over time, the lack of these and other rituals I’d kept without thinking about it when I lived in NC had closed me off. Unused pathways in my brain became overgrown with other things, thoughts and worries, weeds and vines. When I moved, it wasn’t just the geographical scenery that changed. The landscape of my very neurons changed to cope with the stress, adapt to new social patterns at work, clear out space to make room for all the technical mumbo jumbo being shoveled at me.

The fact is, by the time the dust settled, my whole world had changed, inside and out. Even if I could have gone back to NC, it wouldn’t have mattered at all. 

Realizing this was one of the most depressing, horrifying feelings. And the thing was? I knew better. Hell, I wrote a short story years ago that was exactly about this, about a character who had left home with the intent to return, but when he finally got the opportunity to try, too much had changed, about him and the world, to recover the serenity he’d left behind. Now I write about another character whose life changed the day he was separated from his sister, who, in the course of building himself up to be deserving of her again, disconnected himself from the vulnerabilities that had enriched his life and then forgot she even existed. 

This is either obscenely ironic, or it’s absolutely, perfectly human (well, I think it’s both, really). How easily we convince ourselves that that closed road, that turn off into the woods, that slight change in trajectory is just a detour. We should know better. We do it anyway. That’s why is a horror trope. 

I’ve been lost in those woods for years. I got out, just yesterday. I escaped because I was attacked by a monster. Something happened to me in those woods. I almost lost someone I loved. No, I don’t want to talk about it. 

But it’s a fact that a side-effect of the event was to mark a definitive end to the endless transition. My life now is very different from what it was two days ago. No more limbo, no more waiting. Time has started again. It was necessary to tear up the brambles in my brain to free the gears and expose the roots of deeper things beneath. 

Here’s what I learned, or rather, lived: everything changes. There is no going back, but the starting point, home and whatever that means to you, will always be there, somewhere, even if the roads you took to get there are thick with obstructing experiences. Those roads have roots in you, and those threads are how you’ll find your way. 

If you do, by choice or chance, the home you’ll come back to will have changed, too, thrived or crumbled as you’ve allowed it. You may or may not want to linger; I imagine that would depend on the person. As for me, I feel incredibly lucky. I was welcomed in my dreams. 

Not welcomed back. It’s not a question of being back. It’s being here, and knowing what you’re about. It’s accepting home for what it is: the embodiment of connection and definition. Roots and branches that enable everything you are to feel and breathe. 

It’s easy to lose those magical taps, the points from which we draw inspiration and awe. If you find yourself cut off from them entirely, regardless where your life has taken you, you can die right there on the vine. I can’t tell anyone what feeds their soul, but I will say it’s worth learning what that is, and that no matter how quick of a detour you think you’re taking, you keep those things close to your chest. They’re what you’ll need to reach for, in the end. 

Hello, again.

[latetothegreysparty]

Enough Part 8

Well, I finally managed to finish up this chapter of Enough that has been sitting partially finished in my documents for weeks now. If you need a refresher because it’s been forever since I updated, links to the previous chapters can be found in my master post.

Enough Part 8

Amelia pulled the door to her apartment open and had Maggie enveloped in her arms before Maggie even realized what had happened. “Thank you so much for watching him while I go in today,” Amelia gushed. “I technically don’t have to go in, but DeLuca made it sound like the sky was falling, and I’d rather my department not be on fire when I get back.”

Maggie smiled as she pulled back out of Amelia’s arms. “Don’t mention it. I’m off today, but Jackson’s working, so I have nothing else to do. Besides, I’ve barely gotten to see Teddy at all. I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to hang out with one of my favorite nephews.”

“Don’t get too attached, Mags, this is just until he finds a more permanent home.”

Maggie scoffed. “Well aren’t you just a ray of sunshine? Now can you show me where his stuff is so you can get going?”

10 minutes later, Amelia and Maggie were emerging from the nursery. “Oh, and there are extra clothes for him in the dryer that are clean. I just haven’t gotten around to folding them yet. You shouldn’t need them, but you never know with Teddy. Some days he’s a spit up machine.”

Maggie gave Amelia a gentle shove in the direction of the door. “Go,” she said firmly. “I’ve watched babies before. I have some idea what I’m doing. We’ll be fine for a couple hours. Do what you need to do, and don’t worry about us.”

Amelia pulled open the door, stepped through it, and smiled back at Maggie. “Thank you so much. I owe you.”

Maggie laughed. “Yes you do. For this and many other things.” Amelia didn’t even bother responding. Instead, she stepped through the door, walked out to her car, and headed down the road toward Grey-Sloan.

Amelia was pleasantly surprised by the state of affairs in the department of neurosurgery. After her phone call with DeLuca, she had been expecting them to be preparing for a dressing down from Bailey. After reviewing the stuff that needed her attention, though, Amelia found that the bumps in the road they’d encountered were minor. She had been able to handle everything in an hour, and now she was ready to leave the hospital. Well, she was ready to leave the hospital until she encountered Meredith.

“There you are!” Meredith called loudly from across the hall. Amelia waved and crossed the hall to talk to Meredith. “What’s going on, Amelia?” Meredith prodded, though her smile told Amelia she wasn’t actually upset. “You didn’t show up to work for three weeks, and then Maggie came home one night and told me you had a baby living in your house. Is this your version of a mid-life crisis? Because this is weird, Amelia. People who are having a mid-life crisis quit their jobs or buy sports cars. They don’t disappear from the face of the earth and acquire a baby. That’s weird.”

Amelia didn’t even know which part of that rant she should address. She figured she’d start with the easiest point to address. “It’s not a mid-life crisis,” she argued. “I’m too young for that.”

Meredith rolled her eyes. “Whatever. So were you ever going to tell me about this baby? Or was it just Maggie’s big mouth that gave you away?”

Amelia winced. “I told her to tell you. I meant to tell you myself, but then things got crazy. You wouldn’t believe how wild things can get when you’re by yourself with a newborn.”

Meredith raised an eyebrow. “Really, you think I wouldn’t?”

Once again, Amelia found herself wincing. “Oh, right, Ellis. I guess you would.”

“Maggie says you’ve only had him for a week or two, but you’ve been off work for three weeks. That means you must have known for a little while before you got him. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because I was afraid you all would judge me!” Amelia said far more emphatically than she had meant to. “I knew if I told everyone all I would hear was, ‘There goes Amelia again. She’s already tried drugs and moving around the country a few times, so I guess she was due for a different kind of craziness to spice things up a bit.’ I was freaked out enough, I didn’t need all of you people jumping down my throat.”

To her surprise, Meredith smiled kindly. “Do you know the story of how we got Zola?” Meredith asked.

Amelia nodded slowly, not entirely sure where this was going. “Yeah, she was a patient at the hospital and then you and Derek adopted her. Why, what does that have to do with anything?”

Meredith laughed. “That’s not the full story, though. Derek fell in love with her the first day he met her. That’s when he decided that he wanted to adopt her. Then he convinced me, and all of a sudden Zola was in our house. I couldn’t really judge you for taking in a baby so quickly when Derek and I did the same thing.” Amelia smiled at Meredith’s admission, but Meredith wasn’t done yet. “So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s just a Shepherd thing to see a random kid in the hospital and decide to take them home. You come by your craziness honestly.” Amelia had to laugh at that. It wouldn’t have felt like an honest conversation with Meredith if it didn’t include some sort of teasingly sarcastic remark in an attempt to diffuse an emotional situation.

“Thanks for understanding,” Amelia said quietly.

“Yeah, you’re welcome, just don’t ask me to hug you now,” Meredith said warily, but the tiny smirk she wore belied her bemusement.

“Of course not,” Amelia agreed. “Anyway, I should probably get going. Maggie’s on baby duty for me right now, but I’ve asked her for so many favors lately that I’ve lost count, so getting home promptly is probably the least I could do.” With one last smile and goodbye, the two parted ways and set out in opposite directions down the hallway.

Amelia was about to pull out her phone and text DeLuca about a few last minute thoughts when she noticed a familiar redhead coming in her direction. “Owen!” she called. He looked up from his phone and made eye contact. She noticed immediately that his eyes widened and he had the beginnings of a blush. She picked up her pace before he could run away from her like he had the last couple of times she’d seen him. “Can we chat for a minute?” she asked as she approached him.

He looked like he wanted so badly to decline her offer and head for the hills, but he sighed softly and replied: “Sure.”

“Great,” she said with rather forced enthusiasm. For whatever reason, he didn’t want to talk to her. This conversation was likely to be uncomfortable. She glanced around the area until her eyes landed on an empty bench. “Do you want to go sit on that bench?” she asked, gesturing to the seating she’d spotted.

“Sure,” he replied again. Apparently he wasn’t just acting awkward, he was also far from talkative. This conversation was likely to be very uncomfortable.

Once she’d situated herself on the bench next to Owen, Amelia turned to face him. She regarded him silently for a moment while she decided how to open the conversation. Given that he didn’t seem inclined to be overly communicative, she decided that being frank and to the point had the best chance of getting him to engage with her. “Why are you avoiding me?” she asked without preamble.

Once again, his eyes widened and a blush overtook his cheeks. “I’m not avoiding you,” he replied far too quickly and effusively to be convincing. “I’m just, um, really busy right now.”

She laughed softly. “You don’t have a poker face, Owen. Every time I run into you, you look like you’re about to shit your pants. Why are you avoiding me? Did I do something?”

He sighed. “You’re stressed,” he began. “You have a lot on your plate right now, I’m sure you’re really tired, and you’re stressed. You don’t need to have this conversation right now.”

She huffed in frustration. “Your evasion is adding to my stress,” she snapped. “So if you’re so concerned about my stress, would you please just tell me what in the hell is going on?”

He exhaled heavily, defeated. “All of this is very difficult for me,” he said quietly.

Despite her attempts to abate it, the frustration was building inside of her. His answers were short and clipped, and she couldn’t make heads or tails of any of it. “All of what?” she asked with a bit more exasperation than she’d meant to.

He stared off ahead, eyes glossing over with an emotion she couldn’t identify. “You starting a family,” he replied, his voice barely audible. He didn’t turn to look at her, but he could see in the corner of his line of vision that her mouth had dropped open slightly. She was getting ready to respond, so he start speaking again quickly so that he could explain. “When we were married, you told me you wanted a family. That was the most perfect thing you ever could have said because I wanted one more than anything. Then you thought you were pregnant, you freaked out, and you left my home. You left our home. You didn’t explain anything, you just left.”

He turned to face her now, and he could see that her back had gone rigid. He could tell she was feeling defensive. He’d fully expected that. Once again, he rushed to continue his explanation in the interest of getting it all out at once. “I know you’ve had problems before with motherhood, Amelia. I’m not angry that you struggled with that when we were married. But you left our home, you wouldn’t talk to me about any of it, and I had to hang in limbo until the next crisis came along and put our pregnancy issues on the back burner. To this day, I still don’t know what happened. And that’s okay. I’m not asking for an explanation. You were right when we talked before: we’re not married anymore, and you don’t owe me an explanation.”

Her face was softening a bit, but he still had more to say, so he forged onward. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t owe me anything. You know how much I’ve always wanted a family. You know how much it hurt me when you changed your mind and moved out. So you must understand how hard it is to watch you take in a baby when the ink is barely dry on our divorce papers. This is what I’ve always wanted, Amelia, more than anything. When we hit that rough patch in our marriage, I thought that you had changed your mind and didn’t want a family anymore. That hurt a lot, and it wasn’t easy to accept, but I was working on it. What’s killing me right now is realizing that you do want a family, but apparently you just don’t want one with me.”

She flinched as if she’d been slapped, and then the tears started flowing without her consent. She didn’t know if she’d ever felt so awful in her life. When she’d gotten high and said terrible things to the people she loved, she at least had the consolation that the drugs had changed her and caused her to say things that she never would have said sober. But what was her excuse here? “Owen, no,” she said, voice cracking through her tears. “The issues I had with having a baby when we were married had nothing to do with you. You can’t think that.”

Now a few stray tears were beginning to collect in Owen’s eyes as well. This was every bit as painful as he’d thought it would be. “How could I not think that?” he whispered. “How could I watch you finally decide to start a family right after we’d just gotten divorced and not think that?”

The pain in his voice sent a fresh wave of anguish ripping through Amelia, and she scrambled to come up with something to say. “I really didn’t think I was ready to start a family. Honestly. I thought I’d never get past the pain of my son. Then everything with Teddy slid into place before my eyes, and he was coming home with me before I knew it. I never meant for this to happen; it just did. And I really wish that it had happened when we’d still been married because Teddy deserves a man like you to love him.”

Owen studied Amelia. It really felt like she was telling him the truth, and he wanted so badly to believe what she was saying, but he couldn’t get rid of the pain he felt at seeing her with that perfect little baby. He had no idea where to go from here. “I believe you, I really do,” he said softly, “but I need you to understand how much this hurts. This isn’t something I can get past overnight. It hurts to watch you with him, and it will probably be that way for a while. I need you to give me some time and some space.”

She drew in a shaky breath. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She didn’t want the man she cared most about to be hurt when he saw her with the little boy who had wormed his way into her heart. She wanted him to be there to laugh at the face Teddy made when he was hungry and take advantage of how cuddly Teddy got when he was tired. She didn’t want this piece of her life that was filling so many holes inside of her to be carving holes into him.

Nonetheless, his explanation had made sense. She’d been too caught up in her own issues to stop and think about how this would affect him, but after listening to what he’d said, it all made sense. Though she wanted so badly for Owen to want to spend time with her and Teddy, she knew it wasn’t fair to ask that of him. “I understand,” she whispered, a few tears still lingering in her eyes. “I’ll, uh, I’ll try to keep my distance for a little while if you think that will help.”

He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. “Thank you,” he said softly.

She nodded her acknowledgement. She stared at the wall across from her for a few long moments before speaking up again. “Owen?”

“Hmm?” he answered, her voice having jarred him from his own thoughts.

“I’m sorry all of this hurt you. I never meant for that to happen.”

He nodded. “I know.”

Those two words comforted her and broke her heart all at once. Unsure what else there was to say here, she stood up from the bench. “I should be going,” she said, already tossing her handbag over her shoulder. She was about to walk away, but something made her turn back toward him and open her arms. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly to his chest. “I really am sorry,” she whispered softly.

“Me too,” came his barely audible response. Another few tears leaked from her eyes. She stepped back out of his arms before she could really begin to cry in earnest. She stared intently at him, two sad pairs of blue eyes holding each other captive before she finally turned and began to head toward the doors.

Amelia struggled mightily the entire way home to quell the tears that continued to flow down her face, but they just kept coming. This kind of despair was something she’d never felt before. Sure, she’d felt hurt and guilty and angry with herself before, but this was entirely new. She couldn’t recall ever having hurt someone so badly without having any idea what she was doing while she was doing it. The anguish and self-loathing made her want to crawl out of her skin. Try as she might to pull herself out of her own swirling thoughts as she walked up to her apartment, her conversation with Owen seemed to have a relentless hold on her mind and heart. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted by the time she opened the door and trudged back into her apartment, still wiping tears from her eyes as she shut the door behind her.

Maggie immediately emerged from the nursery with a crying Teddy in her arms. “I’m glad you’re home, Mama, because this little one is not in a good mood,” Maggie mused, her attention solely focused down on Teddy’s red, distressed face as she carried him toward the entryway. When Maggie came to a stop, she finally brought her eyes up to regard Amelia. “Oh my God, Amelia, what happened?” Maggie asked with a forlorn, questioning look on her face.

The sympathy in Maggie’s voice cut Amelia in a way she hadn’t expected. She didn’t deserve sympathy right now. Not after what she’d unintentionally done to Owen. Beyond that, she was far too exhausted to even consider the notion of explaining this whole mess to Maggie. “Nothing,” was all she could bring herself to whisper in response to Maggie’s question.

Maggie cocked an eyebrow. “The tears and red face don’t exactly look like nothing.”

The frustration and fatigue won out, and Amelia was snapping back before she had a chance to stop herself. “Well it is nothing, so I’d appreciate if you’d hand me back my little boy so I can get him settled.”

Maggie’s reaction was immediate. She jerked her head backward, clearly startled and hurt, before recovering and nodding. “Of course. Here you go,” she whispered as she held Teddy out.

“Thank you,” Amelia bit out, pulling the baby to her chest as she walked to the kitchen to heat up a bottle for Teddy. She didn’t even turn to watch as Maggie slipped out the door. After the bottle had finished warming, Amelia offered it to Teddy, but he shoved it away and continued to wail, so she set it down on the counter with a frustrated sigh and carried him back to the nursery.

“Do you need a new diaper? Is that what you want?” A quick trip to the changing table told Amelia that wasn’t it either. As she picked Teddy up and carried him to the rocking chair, the tears that had largely faded returned to Amelia’s eyes. “Well, I just found out that I broke my best friend’s heart without even trying, and then I came home and yelled at my sister for no good reason. That, and I’m tired and confused,” she explained, looking directly into Teddy’s face as she spoke. “So that’s why I’m a crying mess. What’s your deal, buddy? What has you so upset?”

Teddy’s only response was to add a bit of kicking and squirming to his cries. In her current state, this compounded her emotions. “I’m sorry, little bear,” she vented, her frustration showing a bit in her tone. “I know you deserve somebody who’s stable and knows what you need when you’re upset. You don’t deserve a weepy crazy lady. But I’m all there is right now because the world sucks and people are too scared of a child not being perfect to take a chance on a beautiful little boy who has so much love to give. So for right now, you’re just going to have to make due, okay?”

She pulled him in close and rested his tear-stained, scrunched up face against her shoulder. She began to rock the crying, squirming child, all the while doing her best to keep her own tears from running down into the soft hair that was beginning to grow on his head. Amelia couldn’t recall the last time she had felt as inadequate as she did in this moment. It seemed like what she had to offer wasn’t enough for any of the people who were closest to her heart. Nonetheless, this was all she knew to do. With defeated resignation, she continued to rock her crying foster son, crying right alongside him until they both gave way to their exhaustion and drifted off to sleep in the rocking chair.

[godsavethequeen-q]

This One’s For The Girls // Quitt

Who: Brittany Pierce and Quinn Fabray

What: Coffee before Cheerleading Sectionals

When: Sunday January 8th, early morning. 

Notes: Cute friend fluff and boy talk

Quinn It was Sectionals day and Quinn was a nervous wreck as she pulled on her cheerleading skirt and tightened her ponytail. The one thing got to keep when she lost her life at McKinley was her car. She loaded her duffle bag into the car, put on her favorite cheerleading mix CD Brittany made her almost three years ago now, and made her way to Brittany's house. When she pulled into the driveway, Quinn left the car on and bounced up to the front door. She knocked before entering and chanting, "Brittany! Brittany S Pierce! Your chariot awaits!" They were close enough that Quinn could just enter her house whenever the girl wanted to, but Quinn was surprised Brittany's parents weren't home yet from their Christmas trip.

Brittany wasn't nervous mostly because this was the least of her worries. During the day she was fine but at night, she was mostly a wreck. Her date with Finn Friday eased her worries a bit since it had gone really well. The reason she didn't want to mention that it was with him was because practically everyone knew how much he liked Rachel and she couldn't help but be a little disappointed when she realized she wanted another date but he'd have feelings for someone else at the same time. Having a weekend busy with hangouts and competitions helped out for distractions. She double checked her bag, lifting her cat off of it every time he crawled on top. She heard Quinn at the door, giggling at her words and carried her bag with her, all set in her uniform as well. "Hello, gorgeous!" She greeted when opening it up and locking it behind her. "Thank you very much," She hugged her before going to the passenger's side.

Quinn Brittany had a way of making each and every one of her friends feel incredible every time she was around them and Quinn was so thankful for that. Quinn returned the hug, squeezing a little extra before letting go and the two blondes bounced to her car. "I'll always be your ride, Britt." Quinn noted as they backed out of the driveway and headed to the Lima Bean. The two jammed out on the short ride there. Once inside, Quinn ordered their coffees and they found a cozy seat by the fire place. "Are you ready for today?" Quinn asked as she tucked her legs up onto the seat underneath herself. "I'm totally nervous. I mean, I think we've got it in the bag, but I'm totally freaking out a little bit." Quinn told Brittany. "Mostly, I think I'm just worried about seeing the old squad again." she confessed between sips of coffee.

Brittany followed Quinn to the fireplace with her drink in hand. The girl much preferred hot chocolate or milkshakes but it was what was keeping her awake. The exception was the sugary flavors. "I am! After all our practices and with your help, I'm not worried." She said and smiled softly at her. "You are the Captain so I'm not surprised you are. Still, don't focus on that too much. It'll go just fine." She let her know, forgetting about the fact that she'd see her old team members. "Do you think they'd like, start fighting with you? You guys couldn't have ended on that much of bad terms. If they weren't good against the new cheerleaders well, that's not your fault."

Quinn just shrugged and thought about it for a moment. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. "Idk. Sugar felt abandoned when I left. I just assume every felt that way." she said, pursing her lips and thinking about the last time she was in the McKinley gym. Shaking her head and her bouncy ponytail, Quinn tried to push those thoughts away. "Okay. happy things! How did your date go Friday? Will you at least give me details if you won't tell me about the guy?" Quinn asked Brittany, pouting slightly so her friend would give her some details. Quinn was happy Brittany was dating, but she felt like her friend was being very secretive lately and she wasn't sure why. Quinn was hoping she would get to the bottom of that soon. 

Brittany laughed lightly as she noticed her pout. She did want to tell her everything. After all, she and Ryder were the two people caring most about her. "Alright, alright. I personally...really liked it. He was sweet, he made me laugh, and trusted me with some stuff he told me. I didn't think I was that into him until we went but still, I don't want to get my hopes up. There is another date though." She smiled and blushed while thinking about it. "How about your date? I still want to know more details on that. And more if there is any."

Quinn Listening intently, Quinn couldn't help but notice the sweet smile forming on Brittany's lips. She hadn't seen her talk about a love interest like this in a long time. "Why wouldn't you want to get your hopes up?" Quinn asked her friend. "It sound like you guys had a great time. You have another date! That's a really good sign, B! What's holding your heart back?" Quinn was concerned that Brittany was going to ruin things before they started, but she didn't want to tell Brittany she was self sabotaging herself. That was too harsh for a perfect unicorn like Britt to hear. "I told you. We got tipsy and watched this great band. Lots of making out. That super cute picture of us that I posted. He came over last night too and we just hung out together. He says he really likes spending time with me and we've basically spent the whole weekend together, if you count tonight. I don't know though... I don't know if we are going anywhere. "

Brittany took a deep breath and wondered if she would reveal too much. She slightly shrugged while tracing the rim of her cup. "Because...I know that he's into someone else. Like, a lot." She admitted and sighed. "I don't know. I wouldn't want to be in the way of anything." It was a chance she was taking but wasn't quite sure what he even thought of these dates. They were fun, no doubt about that but did they mean as much to him as they did for her? "That was an adorable picture! You guys would look cute together." She complimented, hoping that there was indeed more for both of them. They made each other happy which she wasn't sure if people noticed, but Brittany did. "Why don't you know?"

Quinn "Hmmm" Quinn mused while sipping her coffee. She had to think about this one for a minute. She was hoping she would guess who the guy was, but Quinn had no recent memory of someone Brittany had been talking to a lot that could be into someone else, except for Ryder. And she knew that Brittany wasn't going on dates with Ryder. "Well, if this guy is calling it a date and wants to go on another one with you, then I think you have a much bigger shot than you think. Sometimes when you're playing the waiting game for someone, the right person actually comes along and sweeps you off your feet. I bet he's already yours and you're just a little self-conscious about it." It was hard to assess the situation when Quinn didn't know who the guy actually was at this point. "Well, I mean, he makes a point to say that I'm not his girlfriend to everyone. And he says he doesn't want one all the time. So I just don't know... If he wanted to be my boyfriend I'd so be down, but I don't think it's going to get there." Quinn explained her situation with Puck. it was so confusing because they had so much fun together and it seemed like they meant a lot to each other. However, there was a little black cloud named commitment that was rearing it's ugly head.

Brittany Quinn's words helped put her mind at ease. Perhaps Quinn knowing who it was, would change her mind but she was going to enjoy the encouragement for now. "Thank you, Q. I'll remember that. Of course, I'll be sure to update you on my handsome mystery person." She winked before taking a sip of her coffee. "You have to admit that he's not someone to talk about his feelings, you know? You never know how things will turn out. What if, you were the one to ask him? I don't think that's so bad." She wanted her to be happy and truly wondered if Puck would take a chance in being in a relationship. Quinn was a good person and there was no reason why someone else woudn't realize that too.

Quinn "Come on B... not even a hint at who he is?" Quinn joked, poking her best friend to tickle her playfully. 'I don't want to ask him." Quinn said solemnly. "I mean, I don't want to physically be rejected. I would rather live in limbo." she told the girl honestly. "Like, I want the romance part. I want him to ask me. I want it to be cute and to feel all the butterflies and all the good stuff. If he wants to be my boyfriend, he has to ask me. I don't think that is a lot to ask when I've given him... well everything?" Looking down at the table, Quinn sighed heavily. Puck was a high point in her life right now, but thinking about him not being there just made her even more stressed out. "Does that even make any sense?" she asked, looking up at Brittany with some worry in her eyes.

Brittany giggled as she debated it. "Only if you pinkie swear to everything in the world to not bring it up to him. Or bother him about me. It should be his decision." She said to assure her so he wouldn't be pressured or feel weirded out. If he wasn't telling people, that was possibly another sign. "You don't wanna live in a game, Q." She let her know when mentioning limbo. Spotting how clearly Quinn had thought this through, she wanted them to work out. "Yeah, that makes sense." She smiled softly while looking up at her eyes. "I'm hoping he does ask you out. Mostly because even if he says he doesn't want to date, he spends a whole lot of time with you for someone who isn't his girlfriend." She mentioned.

Quinn squealed with delight and held out her pinky. She wrapped it tight around Brittany's and pulled her friend a little closer to her. With their foreheads almost touching, Quinn said, "I pinky swear on everything in the world I will not talk about you to the mystery man or bother him about you." Quinn told her friend. "Unless he asks me!" she added quickly. When the topic was back on Puck, Quinn just nodded for a moment. " i know right? I'm just... I am weary. What if he's spending his time not with me with other girls? What if he's just a love the one youre with kind of person?" she asked genuinely.

Brittany couldn't help but laugh at her reaction. Brittany wrapped her pinkie around Quinn's, squeezing it just a bit to remind her not to do so. "Fine, fine. If he tells you, and reveals that I'm the mystery person, then you can talk about it. A little. But no pushing!" She said and took a deep breath. "It's Finn," She whispered while glancing around them. "I doubt that. He hasn't said anything to anyone about other girls. I'm pretty sure he would be more flirty." She bumped her shoulder with hers gently. "You can't think too much about it like that. Things are looking really good for you guys. If he ​is​ thinking on asking you out, he might need time since it's new to him."

Quinn "I just feel like a lot of time has passed and we aren't going anywhere. I'm going to give it a little more time and then make a decision if nothing happens." she told the other blonde. As Brittany got real close, she noticed how her friend scoped the coffee shop to make sure nobody was listening and Quinn couldn't help but think how cute it was. "Oh my GOD! BRITTANY!" Quinn shouted a little louder than she meant to. Quieting down, Quinn grabbed Brittany's hand in excitement. "So you're worried about the fact he liked Rachel right? I really don't think you have to worry about that all that much. Finn is a really honest guy and he wouldn't call it a date if it wasn't a real date. Like, he would just say you were hanging out." Quinn tried to explain but she felt like she was making it worse. "Okay. This is very exciting. When is the next date?"

Brittany pout but understood her hesitance on the subject. "Alright. Good! If he doesn't make a move, you should. And then text me about it." When Quinn shouted she held her hand and squeezed it a bit. "Q!" She giggled while shaking her head, her smile growing when she saw her excitement though. At least she wasn't the only one. "Yeah, I am." She confirmed. "I know, I know. I asked Rachel how she felt too and she said that she didn't mind at all. Besides..the way he talked about her when we hung out? I don't know.." She said softly, not meaning to get so down about it. "It's next weekend at the aquarium. Do you have another with Puck?"

Quinn could see the hesitance in Brittany's face as she mentioned Rachel. "You know how you always do everything for your friends, Britt?" Quinn asked, trying to figure out a way down this path without offending anybody. "I think that this one time, you should think about yourself. And you should do what makes you really happy. And I hope that leads to lots of dates and making out with Finn. But maybe just this one time, it would be okay if you were selfish and you didn't worry about other people and just... go after what you want with no thoughts of other people." She hoped that made sense to Brittany without insulting the girl. She was such a caring soul but Quinn wanted her friend to be happy. She didn't care if Rachel Berry was happy. Laughing a bit as Brittany asked about Puck, Quinn just shook her head no. "He came over last night because he was feeling down about something and we we cuddled and just fell asleep together." she confided in Britt the details of her life with Puck, knowing she could trust the other cheerleader. "And we have the party tonight. He's also coming to the competition today!" Quinn relly couldn't hide her excitement about the boy showing up to Sectionals.

Brittany nodded her head a bit at her question. It was what she did, she wanted to help everyone out and make sure her friends were alright. There was no doubt about hoping there'd be following dates, and make outs as she said. "Thank you." She said before leaning over to hug her tight. "I'll try to remember, I promise. I hope he is happy when we hang out though. Besides, if anyone kisses me, they'll forget whoever they thought they were into." She said to boost her own confidence and laughed softly. "No way! See? He's totally into you. Ugh, it's freaking adorable." She watched as Quinn showed her excitement. "Darn, I should've invited Finn to come. That would have been cute." The fact that Puck was coming made the blonde wish the best for them. "I can't wait for tonight. It's gonna be a blast, no surprise. Plus I'm sure you and Puck are going to be non-stop making out."

Quinn returned the hug with just as much enthusiasm as Brittany. Quinn wasn't much of a hugger, but she would always have a hug for Brittany. "I haven't kissed you, but I know for a fact you're right." Quinn said as she pulled away. While she talked about Puck, she could tell Brittany was over the moon about it. "He was feeling really low last night. He wouldn't tel me anything except that two girls were bitching him out about stuff. I was surprised he actually wanted to just come over and hang out like that, but it was sweet. You can't tell him I told you though! I told him I would never say anything." Quinn laughed and blushed at the thought. When Brittany mentioned inviting Finn, Quinn smiled widely. "I was actually texting him last night, before I knew any of this, and he is coming! He said he was excited to watch me and you cheer... this is all making sense now..." Quinn trailed off, teasing Brittany slightly.

Brittany "That's your loss." She teased her while sitting back in her spot. Last night made Brittany worry about why he got that message but genuinely hoped he didn't believe whoever it was. That and the two girls being upset with him well, she was relieved Quinn was with him to have him feel better. "I won't! I wouldn't want to risk it. Even if it is the cutest thing ever." She giggled. "I'm happy you were there for him though. Both of you are just the sweetest, huh?" When Quinn said that he'd be coming, she blushed once more and couldn't wait to spot him in the stands. "He is?! Awesome!" She shook her head while laughing at her. "Suuure it is."

Quinn "Yeah well, he was there for me when my dad.. you know. So I want to be there for him." Quinn said with a nonchalant shrug. At the mention of Finn, Brittany lit up like a Christmas tree. "You are soooo cute. Your face gets all pink when we talk about him. I support this 1000000%." Quinn told her friend. Looking down at her watch, Quinn noticed the time and sighed. She had wanted to talk about Sugar, but figured that issue wasn't going away any time soon so she wouldn't spoil the good girl talk with family talk. "We should hit the road, my friend. But I'm very happy we had this coffee hour. I needed to relax. Thank you." Quinn leaned down and kissed Brittany's forehead as she wlked over to the trash to throw her cup away. As she watched Brittany saunter over she said, "The Cheerios won't know what hit them,"

Brittany nodded when she mentioned her father. Every time she missed him she wished she could do something to make her pain easier to deal with. "I see. It seems to be working." She smiled while she stood up and shook her head. "It'd cold! My cheeks are going to get pink," She said as an excuse, but more than glad Quinn was supporting her. "Sorry we couldn't do it sooner. I enjoy this all the time." She tossed out her own cup in the trash as well. "Let's goo!"