#which means I've probably read them before for free but now I need to own them so I can read them again whenever I want :)

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I love when I check out an e-book from my library (shoutout to Libby! And Hoopla!) and end up loving it so much that I'm like "Okay, under ALL circumstances I MUST own this book physically now (so that I can reread it)." My deepest gratitude to books so good that I would be more than happy to own them so that I can reread them.

[xavigav]

The Reddit Blackout, #196, And Being New to Tumblr

okay i've seen a lot of people in the past ~24 hours or so confused by everything going on with Reddit & Tumblr from both sides - people new to tumblr who don't know how to use it, and tumblr users who don't know what's going on with reddit and why many of its users have joined up here i know this isn't really related to my blog but fun fact about me: i was up until recently a very active reddit user and even mod a subreddit, but I've also been on tumblr for about 3 years now on different accounts, so I think I can see pretty well from both sides of this and explain what's going on this post will be split in 2 sections: what happened with reddit (and what #196 means), and a guide for new users

1. What The Hell Is Going On With Reddit?

The thing that's caused all this ruckus is a major change to Reddit's API, which is what Reddit provides to people so they can pull directly from Reddit to make third-party apps or tools.

The change is that Reddit is changing its previously free API to be paid. Which on its own kinda sucks for developers, but it's not unexpected. They need to make money somehow, right?

The problem is that the API pricing is WAY TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE. The developer of the most popular 3rd party Reddit app, Apollo, says it will cost him $20 million a year to continue running the app as normal.

Essentially, this pricing forces almost everything third-party to shut down, which causes 3 major problems:

Third-party apps cannot keep running, which sucks for normal users because Reddit's official app is awful. It's slow, its video player is a thing of nightmares, it doesn't have many useful features third-party developers have made.

It sucks even more for visually impaired users because they can't use the official Reddit app at all. Reddit's official app does not work with iOS's native text-to-speech function. Third party apps, on the other hand, often do. So Reddit is forcing blind users away.

Third-party moderator tools cannot keep running, which sucks for moderators because many rely on these tools to properly moderate their subreddits. And moderators are often necessary, because without them subreddits get banned and hate speech and even CSA can often run rampant.

So you see why this change is bad.

Reddit users were PISSED.

So over the past week and a half or so, they have been working on organizing a site-wide blackout. The majority of the most active subreddits have now gone private. Some are only doing it for 48 hours, others (such as r/196) are doing it indefinitely.

That's why you can't access most of Reddit right now, and that's why many users have come here.

You're probably still wondering, though - what is this #196?

Well, as you may guess, it's connected to that subreddit r/196 I just mentioned. r/196 is a subreddit which only has one rule: every time you visit, you must post before you leave.

That's it, that's the subreddit.

The thing about r/196 that set it apart from most other subreddits - and what lends the subreddit's users perfectly to Tumblr - is that it was dominated by queer and leftist users.

So now they've come here and set up shop in #196 and r/196 so they can continue their merry little shitposting.

There's a ton of lore related to r/196, actually, but this is already a long tumblr post and quite frankly I cannot be bothered to write about it at the moment.

2. I'm Here From Reddit, What Now?

Hello there, random new user. As a double-citizen of Reddit and Tumblr, let me show you around this place.

First off, there are some other people who are better at explaining that I am who have made some really helpful things. Watch this Strange Aeons video as a guide to Tumblr culture and functionality and read this post which directly compares Reddit and Tumblr.

Assuming you've done that, here's some additional advice of my own:

Do you miss sorting subreddits by top of all time/the year/the month? Well, you can do something very similar with tags! If you go to a tag at the top of the screen you can select top, and then at the dropdown that says "all time" you can select different time periods! Even 6 months, which Reddit hasn't ever had.

Tumblr has a lot of cool customization features! Even outside your icon/banner/bio, you can change you blog colors and on desktop you can have an html theme (which has its own thriving community here). That customization is part of what sets Tumblr apart from everywhere else - I think you'll enjoy playing with it.

Notes will probably confuse you at first. Unlike the different numbers for upvotes and comments, notes combines the total number of likes, reblogs, and replies into the same number.

Outside of organizing your own blog, when making your own posts tags are what help other people find your post. Use them! But don't abuse them, because then people will just block you.

There are three ways of people finding your post: if someone follows you, if someone follows the tag(s) assigned to your post, and if someone is just scrolling through the tag(s) assigned to your post (and also the secret 4th way no one uses, which is finding it on the trending page, but even if people did use it no one will find your post initially that way)

tumblr is no longer The Discourse Website. And unlike what Reddit wants you to believe for some reason, it is very much alive still. Most of the people seeking fights have moved to Twitter (though some have also moved back here again). You will not get any brownie points for being a dipshit like you do on some subreddits.

So there, welcome to the hellsite (affectionate), you'll pick up on all the in-jokes eventually, for now just try not to be a nuisance and soon enough this'll be your new internet home.

[itneverendshere]

hi again! so I've been meaning to send a request, but before i go about it I wish to say it's completely okay if you're not inspired by this, or if you simply don't want to write it, i would hate myself if I made you overwhelmed or smth. love you anyways 💕 so for the request: reader who's autistic. she's not very talkative nor socially active, never had a boyfriend, has one or two friends, yet somehow rafe notices her and finds her endearing. she's okay being herself with her friends, like she's funny, kind and passionate about her interests (like geek stuff, fantasy books, animals and such). she has zero flirting experience and is always dismissive towards rafe bc she doesn't think someone could like her romantically, and she's always suspicious of people bc they've wronged her in the past (in my experience as an autistic person i tend to believe everything ppl say and am kinda naive, so ppl played me or said unrealistic things and I believed them, which then is a reason for laughter, now I'm always suspicious to ppl's intentions). I'm giving you creative freedom with this, just wanted an autistic reader for once :) if you feel like writing it but need to know more abt autism, you can just post question and I'll answer in your asks, if that's okay. Just a reminder again before I go: feel free to decline this request, I know it might not be something cool to write and that's okay ☺️ love you lots, thank you for your time!

i tried my best, hope you like it 🫶🏼 and if you don't lmk so i can do better!! this was really fun since it's a compeltely new topic of inspiration. kinda left an "open" ending bc i couldn't make my mind up lmao. thank you for the resquest and sorry it took me a while to finally do it 🫂

got dreams but i can't make myself believe them - r.c

paring: rafe x autistic!reader word count: 6.9k

The party was a mistake. You knew it the moment you walked in, the thumping music and crush of people making your skin crawl. Your friends had been relentless, insisting that you needed to “get out more” and “live a little,” despite your repeated attempts to explain that “getting out” meant something different to you.

But somehow, you’d caved, and now you were standing awkwardly in the corner of a stranger’s living room, clutching your book like it was a life vest. You needed to stop letting them drag you everywhere.

It was the typical college party scene, at least the one's you'd heard or read about before. Red solo cups everywhere, groups of people huddled on couches or pressed together on the so called dance floor, and a few already-drunk guys yelling loudly in the kitchen.

This was supposed to be fun?

“Just stay for an hour,” they said. “If it’s really that bad, you can leave.”

Right. Except an hour felt like an eternity when you were trapped in a sensory nightmare. You took a deep breath, scanning the crowded room. There were people everywhere—laughing, dancing, chattering loudly in clumps—and the noise was a constant, overwhelming buzz in your ears.

This was definitely a mistake.

So, you did what you always did in these situations: you found a place to hide. After walking through the drunk college students, you eventually ended up on quiet nook near the back of the house. It was a small room, probably some sort of den or study. Blessedly, it was empty. With a sigh of relief, you settled into an oversized armchair, opened your book, and let the world outside your pages melt away.

Time slipped by as you read, the noise of the party changing into a distant hum. You were so engrossed that you didn’t even notice when someone stumbled into the room until a loud crash jolted you out of your fictional word. He nearly tripped over his own feet, catching himself at the last second with a slurred, “Shit.”

You looked up to find a guy standing unsteadily in the doorway, blinking blearily at you. He was tall, with tousled hair and a loose, easy grin that spoke of far too many drinks. His eyes were a striking blue even in the low light, and it took you a second to place him.

Rafe Cameron.

Oh, God. You knew him—well, of him, at least. He was in your sociology class, always sitting a few rows behind you with his gaggle of equally charming friends. He’d never spoken to you before, though, and you’d never had a reason to pay him much attention.

Until now.

Then his face split into a lazy grin, and he swaggered—no, stumbled—into the room, somehow managing to make even that look effortless.

“Heyyy,” he drawled, leaning heavily against the arm of the chair across from you. “It’s… it’s you.”

You blinked at him. “Me?”

“Yeah,” he slurred, squinting like he was trying to see you clearly. “T-The girl from my class. The quiet one.”

Your stomach did a weird flip, part confusion, part disbelief. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” He nodded sagely, as if you’d just confirmed some great truth. “You’re the uh, the smart one. With the books.” He gestured vaguely at the one in your hands. “Always sittin’ up front, all… all cute n'shit.”

Your cheeks burned. Was he seriously calling you cute? No. He was drunk—really drunk. He probably didn’t even know what he was saying.

“Do you need help?” you asked cautiously. “You look—”

“I’m fine,” he cut you off, straightening up as if to prove it, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the way he swayed on his feet. “Needed to get away from those idiots out there. Too many people.”

You almost laughed. Rafe Cameron, overwhelmed by people? The guy who was always surrounded by friends, girls practically draped over him like accessories? But he looked sincere—well, as sincere as a drunk person could look.

“Why don’t you sit down?” you suggested, gesturing to the empty chair. “You, um, might fall over if you don’t.”

“Pfft, I’m not gonna—” He paused mid-sentence, wobbling precariously. Then, as if he’d just made the smartest decision of his life, he plopped down in the chair, sprawling out like he owned the place.

“See? Told ya m'fine,” he said, flashing you a lopsided grin.

You couldn’t help but snort. “Right.”

He looked at you then, really looked at you, his gaze roaming over your face “What’re you doin’ here?” he asked abruptly.

You glanced at your book, then back at him. "Reading?”

“No, I mean… here,” he insisted, gesturing vaguely around the room. “At this shitty party.”

You shrugged, feeling awkward. “My friends dragged me. I didn’t really want to come.”

Rafe’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully, and for a moment, he looked almost sober. “Yeah, same.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

He smirked, a flash of the cocky, arrogant guy you’d seen in class. “Yeah, well… they’re fucking assholes, but they’re my assholes, y'know?”

You didn’t, but you nodded anyway. “Sure.”

“So, what’s that book about?”

You hesitated. “Um… it’s a fantasy novel.”

“Fantasy, huh?” He tilted his head, eyeing the cover. “Like wizards and dragons n'shit?”

“Sort of,” you admitted. “It’s about a girl who finds out she has magic and goes on a quest to—”

“Save the world?” he finished with a mock-solemn expression.

“...Yeah,” you said, narrowing your eyes. “But it’s more complicated than that.”

“Bet it is,” he murmured, his gaze still fixed on you. “You’re really into that stuff, huh?”

You shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah. Why?”

He shrugged, his smirk softening into something that almost looked like genuine interest. “You looked happy, talkin’ about it.”

Your heart did another weird little flip, and you frowned, pushing the feeling down. He was drunk. This didn’t mean anything. He probably wouldn’t even remember it in the morning.

But then, his eyes drifted shut, his head lolling back against the chair. Within seconds, he was snoring. You sat there, stunned.

What the hell had just happened?

Three days later, you were sitting in your usual spot in the lecture hall, flipping through your notes. Class was about to start, and the room was filling up with the usual pre-lecture chatter. You were just getting settled when someone slid into the seat beside you.

You glanced up, expecting one of your friends. But it wasn’t.

It was Rafe.

“Hey, friend,” he said casually, like you hadn’t left him passed out at a party a few nights ago.

You stared at him, completely disoriented. “Hi?”

He grinned, leaning back in his chair like this was completely normal. “Didn’t think I’d forget about you, huh?”

Your eyes narrowed. “I… yeah, actually.”

Rafe’s grin widened, and he leaned in closer, “See, that’s where you’re wrong, princess,” he murmured. “I remember everything.”

Did he just give you a nickname?

Your stomach dropped. “What?”

“Yeah.” He crossed his arms, looking entirely too smug. “You, sitting there all cute with your book, talking about magic and shit. Thought I was too drunk to remember, huh?”

“I—” You stared at him, completely off balance. “Why are you here?”

“Because I want to be,” he said simply. “Got a problem with that?”

You blinked, caught off guard. “No?”

“Good.” He flashed you a grin, all cocky charm. “So, you gonna tell me more about that book, or what?”

You gaped at him. “You actually want to hear about it?”

“Why not?” he shot back, raising an eyebrow. “It made you smile.”

And for some reason, that simple statement knocked the breath out of you.

“Okay,” you said, still unsure if this was some kind of elaborate prank.

But Rafe just leaned back in his seat, eyes fixed on you like you were the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I think I’ll stick around.”

The next few classes were…weird, to say the least. Ever since Rafe decided you were his new "friend," he’d taken to sitting beside you every lecture, plopping down in the empty seat as if he’d been there all along. It was confusing. Most of the time, he’d breeze in at the last possible minute, sauntering up to your row without so much as a greeting and settling into the chair with that infuriatingly self-assured smirk.

You were already seated, your notebook open and your pen poised to start taking notes when he dropped into the seat beside you with his usual nonchalance. He stretched his long legs out in front of him, casting you a sidelong look as if daring you to acknowledge him first.

“Hi,” you said quietly, eyes flicking back to the front of the room.

“Hey, princess,” he replied, voice low and teasing.

You kept your gaze firmly on your notebook. You’d quickly learned that the best way to deal with him was to pretend his presence didn’t affect you—no matter how much his proximity messed with you.

He’d spent the last three classes nudging your foot under the desk, passing snide comments under his breath, or leaning over just close enough to murmur sarcastic observations about whatever the professor was droning on about. And today was no different.

The lecture started, Professor Callahan launching into her usual detailed overview of sociological theory. You tried to focus, pen flying across your notebook as you jotted down her points.

“Is she always this boring?” he whispered, leaning in slightly so his arm brushed against yours.

You stiffened, eyes fixed on your notes. “If you listened, it wouldn’t be so boring.”

He snorted. “Yeah, right. Like I’m gonna waste my time listening to her go on about… what is it today? Class structure?”

“Yes,” you hissed, refusing to look at him. “And if you don’t stop talking, I’m going to—”

“You’re going to what?” he challenged, his grin audible in his voice.

You snapped your mouth shut, trying to ignore the way his leg brushed against yours under the desk. He was doing it on purpose—nudging your knee every so often, shifting just a little closer until the faint scent of his cologne surrounded you. It was infuriating. And yet, when you glanced sideways at him, he was looking at you with that maddening, lazy grin that made your heart stutter.

“Just pay attention,” you mumbled, cheeks warm.

“Why would I do that when I have such a pretty view right here?”

Your head whipped around, eyes wide. “What?”

But Rafe just smirked, his gaze drifting lazily up and down your face before flicking back to the front of the room as if he hadn’t just made your brain short-circuit. 

“Relax, princess. Just messin' with you.”

You swallowed, trying to refocus on the lecture. His attention was like a physical thing—intense and all-consuming. It made you uneasy. 

Determined not to give him the satisfaction, you forced yourself to look at the professor, tuning out the heat of Rafe’s gaze. Professor Callahan was in the middle of explaining something about social hierarchies when she suddenly stopped mid-sentence.

“Mr. Cameron.”

The entire class fell silent.

You looked up, eyes widening in surprise as Professor Callahan fixed Rafe with a stern look. “I’m aware that I’m not as pretty as your classmate,” she said dryly, gesturing toward you, “but I would appreciate it if you could pay attention for at least ten minutes.”

A ripple of snickers spread through the room, and your cheeks flamed scarlet. Rafe, however, didn’t even blink, he was completely unruffled and offered the professor a lazy, arrogant smile. “Sorry, Professor. Just got a little distracted.”

Your stomach dropped. He was staring at you, unabashedly.

The professor raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure.” Her tone was dry, unimpressed. “Would you mind keeping your distractions to yourself until after class?”

Another murmur of laughter swept through the room, and you shrank in your seat, mortified. His smirk widened, but he leaned back in his chair, raising his hands in mock surrender.

“Of course, ma’am,” he drawled. “No more distractions.”

Professor Callahan gave him a pointed look, then turned back to the board, resuming her lecture. You sat there, face burning, refusing to look anywhere near Rafe, but you could feel his eyes on you.

“Guess I got you in trouble, huh?” he whispered, leaning closer.

You grit your teeth, still staring resolutely at the front of the room. “Stop talking.”

“Can’t help it,” he murmured, his voice teasing. “You’re way more interesting than this shit.”

“Rafe, I swear—”

“Okay, okay, I’ll behave,” he said lightly, sitting back. But he didn’t take his eyes off you. You could feel him lingering, warm and intent, and you wanted to scream. How was he so calm? So unaffected, like getting called out by the professor was just a minor inconvenience?

You hated every second of it.

“Rafe,” you hissed under your breath, finally daring to glance at him. “Will you just—”

“What?” He leaned in again, eyes bright with mischief. “You want me to go back to ignoring you?”

“Stop staring.”

He hummed thoughtfully. “Can’t promise that, princess.”

Your heart hammered, and you squeezed your pen so tightly it nearly snapped. “Why are you even here?”

He shrugged, his expression turning oddly serious. “I like sitting next to you.”

Rafe Cameron—the arrogant, cocky asshole you’d written off as nothing more than a nuisance—had just chosen to stay by your side.

As soon as class ended, you gathered your things in record time, heart still thumping wildly. The room buzzed with students shuffling out, but you kept your head down, hoping to slip away unnoticed.

Maybe if you were quick enough, you could escape before he decided to make good on his new, annoying habit of sticking to you like glue. But, of course, he was nothing if not persistent.

You’d barely slung your bag over your shoulder when he appeared at your side, his tall frame looming over you as he fell into step like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Heading to lunch?” he asked, all casual charm, as if he hadn’t just spent the entire class making you the center of unwanted attention.

“Yes?” You tried not to sound as thrown as you felt, but the way he looked at you—with that infuriatingly lazy grin—told you he could see right through you.

“Cool. I’m starving.” He said it like it was an invitation, like he was entitled to follow you, and before you could muster up a half-hearted protest, he was already steering you through the crowded hallway.

“Wait, what are you doing?” you demanded, glancing around in panic. People were staring, eyes widening as they took in the sight of Rafe Cameron, of all people, trailing after you. Whispers flitted through the air, curious and disbelieving, and you shrank under the scrutiny, feeling painfully exposed.

“Uh, going to lunch with you?” He made it sound so obvious, his voice lilting with amusement.

“I didn’t invite you!” You glanced at him, trying to tamp down the fluttery, nervous feeling his presence always seemed to stir up. “What if I’m eating with someone else?”

He shrugged. “Then I’ll eat with them too.”

You gawked at him. “What?”

But Rafe just flashed you that cocky, confident grin. “Relax. It’s just lunch.”

Just lunch, he said, like this wasn’t completely absurd.

You narrowed your eyes, debating whether to make a break for it, but he was already steering you toward the main quad, his hand ghosting the small of your back in a way that made your skin tingle. 

Your heart hammered as the familiar outdoor seating area came into view. Your friends were already there, sitting at your usual table—a small group of two girls and a guy, all talking animatedly. You hadn’t even sat down yet, and they still managed to look up as one, their expressions morphing from curious to shocked when they caught sight of you—and Rafe—heading straight toward them.

“Uh, hey,” you greeted awkwardly as you approached. They just stared, mouths agape.

Emily was the first to recover. “What the—since when do you two know each other?” she asked, eyes darting between you and Rafe like she was seeing some kind of glitch in the matrix.

“Yeah, what’s going on here?” Max, the guy in your small circle, chimed in, his gaze flicking to Rafe warily. “Is this, like… a project thing?”

“No, it’s not—” you started, but Rafe cut you off with a breezy smile.

“Can’t believe y’all kept her to yourselves this whole time,” he drawled, pulling out the chair beside yours and plopping down like he’d done it a thousand times before. “Thought you’d have the decency to introduce me to the most interesting girl on campus.”

Your friends gaped, eyes wide with shock. You could practically see their brains short-circuiting. Meanwhile, you were fighting the urge to smack him upside the head.

“Please shut up,” you muttered under your breath, cheeks burning.

But he just smirked, his gaze sliding over your stunned friends with lazy amusement. “What?” he said innocently. “It’s true.”

“What the hell is happening right now?” Emily demanded, still staring at you like you’d grown a second head. “You—you and Rafe Cameron?”

You sighed, already regretting every life choice that had led you to this moment. “There is no ‘me and Rafe Cameron.’ He just—he’s being annoying.”

“Annoying?” he repeated, feigning offense. “C’mon. I thought we were past that.”

“We are not past anything,” you snapped, shooting him a glare. But that only seemed to amuse him more.

“Okay, back up,” Max interjected, brow furrowed in confusion. “How do you guys even know each other?”

“Uh, sociology class?” you offered weakly, as if that explained anything. “He’s been sitting next to me.”

“Sitting next to you?” Emily repeated slowly, like she was trying to process a particularly difficult equation. “And now you’re… eating lunch together?”

“It’s not—” You looked helplessly at Rafe, who was watching the exchange with that insufferable smirk. “I didn’t ask him to.”

He looked completely unfazed by the mess he’d caused. “What can I say? I like the company.”

“Since when?” Emily shot back, clearly unconvinced.

Rafe shrugged, “Since she started talking to me.”

Your friends fell silent, eyes wide and suspicious as they turned to you, searching for answers. But you just sat there, feeling utterly, hopelessly lost. What were you supposed to say? That Rafe Cameron had decided, out of nowhere, to insert himself into your life? That he was following you to lunch like this was some sort of normal occurrence?

“Look,” you sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. “It’s really not a big deal. He’s just—”

“Rafe Cameron is never ‘just’ anything,” Emily interrupted, folding her arms as she fixed Rafe with a suspicious look. “So what are you up to?"

“Nothing,” Rafe said easily, his smile all sharp edges. “Like I said, I’m just getting to know her.”

“Getting to know her,” Max echoed, clearly skeptical.

“Yeah.” Rafe’s eyes never left yours, his eyes gleaming with something that made your pulse flutter. “What’s so weird about that?”

Your friends exchanged looks. You didn’t blame them. This was weird. More than weird. You’d never been the kind of girl to attract attention—especially not from someone like Rafe. Popular, arrogant, and completely out of your league in every possible way. And yet, here he was, acting like sitting with you at lunch was the most natural thing in the world.

“So,” He said suddenly, turning his attention back to the group, “Are you gonna sit here gaping all day, or are we gonna eat?”

Emily blinked, snapping out of her daze. “Uh, yeah, we’re… we’re eating.”

“Good.” Rafe turned to you, eyebrow raised. “You eating, princess?”

You stared at him, “I—yes?”

“Cool. Want me to grab you something?”

You stared at him, incredulous. “You’re offering to get me lunch?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I am. Now, what do you want?”

“I—” You swallowed, glancing at your friends, who were watching the exchange like it was some sort of bizarre performance. “Um, a sandwich?”

“Got it.” Rafe pushed to his feet, his smile smug. “Be right back.”

And then, to your utter disbelief, he sauntered off toward the food line, leaving you and your friends staring after him.

“What,” Max said slowly, “the hell just happened?”

You groaned, burying your face in your hands. “I have no idea.”

The awkward lunch with Rafe didn’t end as badly as you expected.

Your friends had spent the entire time shooting you confused, bewildered looks, while he seemed to thrive under their scrutiny, lounging beside you like he belonged. He didn’t flirt—thank God—but he didn’t exactly tone down his usual cocky self either. By the end of it, he’d somehow managed to charm your friends just enough to leave them confused rather than outright hostile. Still, after that lunch, you’d expected him to lose interest, to move on to his usual crowd and forget all about his bizarre little experiment. But of course, he wasn’t known for playing by the rules.

You learned that the hard way two days later.

It was late afternoon, and you were holed up in the campus library, buried under a mountain of textbooks and notes for an upcoming exam. The library was your sanctuary—quiet, calm, and blissfully free of distractions. At least, until Rafe sauntered in. You didn’t notice him at first, too absorbed in your notes. The library was busy, students murmuring as they worked, the rustle of pages and the faint clack of keyboards filling the air. You were hunched over a particularly dense passage in your sociology textbook when you felt it—

You stiffened, glancing up cautiously, and there he was.

He leaned against the bookshelf a few feet away, his eyes fixed on you with a lazy, assessing look. He didn’t move, just watched you, his lips quirking in that infuriating smirk when your eyes met.

“What are you doing here?” you hissed, glancing around nervously. No one seemed to be paying attention, but you still felt like the entire room was suddenly staring.

“Studying,” he said, straight-faced.

“Since when do you study in the library?”

“Since now,” he said easily, pushing off the bookshelf and strolling over to your table. He pulled out the chair across from you, dropping into it like he had every right to be there. “What? Can’t a guy broaden his horizons?”

You stared at him, incredulous. “You’re joking.”

“Not today, princess.” He leaned forward, resting his chin in his hand as he peered at your open book. “So, what’re we learning?”

“We are not learning anything,” you muttered, eyes narrowing. “I’m studying. You are… I don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Keeping you company,” he said simply. “You looked lonely.”

Your mouth fell open. “Lonely?”

“Yeah.” He tilted his head, his gaze sweeping over your face. “All holed up in here with your books. Thought I’d help.”

What was he even talking about? This was insane. He didn’t just hang out in the library, especially not to “keep someone company.” He was the kind of guy who spent his free time at parties, or on the field, or wherever people like him thrived. And yet, here he was, sitting across from you in the library like this was normal.

“Rafe,” you said slowly, “you don’t even know what I’m studying.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It does if you’re trying to help,” you shot back, frustration seeping into your voice. “You’re—what are you even—”

“Okay, okay,” he interrupted, raising his hands in mock surrender. “Calm down. Just trying to see what’s got you all riled up.”

You bit back a groan, rubbing your temples. This was absurd. You didn’t need—didn’t want—his attention.

“Fine,” you muttered, turning your textbook around so he could see the page. “I’m going over Durkheim’s theory of social integration.”

Rafe leaned in, squinting at the page. “Durkheim, huh?”

“Yes,” you said, a little impatiently. “He believed that society functions through a collective conscience—shared beliefs and values that bind people together.”

“Sounds boring as hell,” Rafe said bluntly.

“It’s not boring,” you retorted before you could stop yourself. “It’s actually really interesting—he argued that a lack of social integration could lead to anomie, a state of normlessness that causes people to feel disconnected and isolated.”

Rafe stared at you for a long moment, his expression unreadable. At least it felt that way to you.

“What?” you demanded, suddenly self-conscious. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He shrugged, a strange, thoughtful smile tugging at his lips. “Just… you get really into this stuff, don’t you?”

Your cheeks flushed. “It’s sociology. It’s important.”

“Yeah, but…” He shook his head, “It’s kinda cute.”

You blinked, your brain short-circuiting. “Cute?”

“Yeah.” He leaned back, crossing his arms as he regarded you with a casual, easy confidence that made your heart flutter. “You get all intense when you talk about it. Like, you actually care.”

“I—I do care,” you stammered, “It’s my major.”

“I know,” he murmured. “I like that about you.”

What—what was that supposed to mean? Why was he looking at you like that, like he actually meant it?

Before you could even begin to untangle your thoughts, a shadow fell over the table, and you glanced up to see another student standing there—a tall, lanky guy with dark hair and glasses. He looked vaguely familiar, probably from one of your classes.

“Uh, hey,” the guy said awkwardly, glancing between you and Rafe. “Are—are you using this seat?”

Rafe’s expression changed instantly, “Yeah,” he said flatly. “We are.”

The guy blinked, taken aback. “Oh, uh, sorry, I just—”

“You just can find another table,” Rafe cut in, “We’re a little busy here.”

You gaped at him, mortified. “Rafe, stop.”

But he didn’t even glance at you. He just kept staring down the poor guy, his posture tense and unyielding until, with a muttered apology, the student backed off, scurrying away like he’d just had a close encounter with a predator.

“What the hell was that?” you hissed as soon as the guy was out of earshot. “He just wanted to sit down!”

“Yeah, and we’re studying,” Rafe said dismissively. “No room for distractions.”

“We’re not studying anything!” you shot back, resisting the urge to smack him. “You’re just sitting here, being—being weird.”

“Not weird,” he corrected, leaning in again. “Protective.”

You froze, your mouth going dry. “Protective?”

“Yeah.” His eyes were dark, intense, locking onto yours. “Can’t have just anyone bothering you, can I?”

After the bizarre encounter in the library, you were convinced Rafe would drop this whole… whatever it was. Surely, following you to lunch and then “protecting” you in the library was enough.

So when you found yourself at another party two nights later—dragged along by Emily despite your vehement protests—you knew it was only a matter of time before he found you. Because somehow, no matter where you went, Rafe had made it his mission to seek you out.

“Come on, you need to have some fun,” Emily had insisted, half-pulling, half-dragging you through the front door of one of the fraternity houses on campus. The music was already blaring, the heavy bass vibrating through your body. People were packed in the main room, laughing, talking, drinking, the buzz of chatter filling the air.

“This isn’t my idea of fun,” you muttered, hugging your arms around yourself as you tried to avoid brushing against the partygoers. It wasn’t that you disliked parties, exactly—it was just that the noise, the sheer volume of people could get overwhelming quickly.

“Just stay for an hour,” Emily pleaded. “Please? I swear it’ll be more fun than you think. We can dance, have a few drinks—”

“I don’t dance,” you cut in flatly, giving her a pointed look.

“Okay, fine, I’ll dance, and you… can hang out and people-watch,” she amended, undeterred. “Besides, who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone.”

You gave her a withering stare. “Yeah, because I’m such a social butterfly.”

You sighed, resigned to your fate, and began making your way through the press of bodies. After a few minutes you managed to find a relatively quiet corner in the back, near the stairs, and gratefully leaned against the wall. Maybe if you stayed out of sight long enough, Emily would give up on trying to get you to socialize and let you leave early. It was a long shot, but you could hope.

You hadn’t been there long when you felt it—the now-familiar prickling sensation of someone’s gaze lingering on you. Sure enough, when you glanced up, there he was.

Rafe, in all his infuriating glory, leaning against the wall a few feet away, his eyes locked on you with that lazy focus that made your heart stutter. He looked unfairly good, dressed in a dark button-up that clung to his frame in all the right ways, his hair tousled just enough to look effortlessly cool. And, as usual, he was watching you like you were the only person in the room.

You narrowed your eyes at him, your stomach twisting in irritation and something else. “Are you stalking me now?” you demanded, crossing your arms as you glared at him.

Rafe’s lips curved into a slow, teasing smile. “Would it be so bad if I was?”

“Yes,” you said flatly. “It would be very bad.”

He chuckled, the sound low, sending an unwelcome shiver down your spine. “Relax, princess. I just saw you standing here all alone and thought I’d come say hi.”

“Hi,” you muttered, your voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now you can leave.”

But he didn’t budge. Instead, he straightened, pushing off the wall and closing the distance between you in a few long strides until he was standing directly in front of you, his presence overwhelming.

You tried to step back, but the wall blocked your escape.

“Actually, I was thinking we could, I don’t know, hang out for a bit?” he suggested, tilting his head as he regarded you with a faux-innocent smile.

“Why?” you blurted out before you could stop yourself.

Rafe blinked, seemingly taken aback by the question. “Why?”

“Yes,” you insisted, frustration bubbling up inside you. “Why do you keep… doing this? Showing up, sitting with me, following me to lunch, acting like—like we’re friends or something. What is your deal, Cameron?”

Slowly he reached up, bracing one hand on the wall beside your head, leaning in so close you could feel the warmth of his breath against your skin.

“My deal,” he murmured, his voice low and smooth, “is that I like you.”

No. No, no, no.

That couldn’t be right. People didn't just like you. They tolerated you, maybe, or found you useful sometimes, but they didn't like you. Not like that. Not in the way he was implying. You felt panic rising in your chest, like a wave that was too big to stop. You couldn’t stop it.

“You’re lying,” you said shakily, shaking your head in disbelief. “You’re just—this is some kind of game, isn’t it? Some—some bet, or—”

Rafe’s expression tightened, his jaw clenching. “It’s not a game,” he ground out, his eyes flashing. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

You swallowed hard, your chest aching. No, this couldn’t be happening. This didn’t make sense.

“I don’t believe you,” you shook your head stubbornly.

His eyes narrowed, “No?”

“No,” you repeated, crossing your arms defiantly. “You’re just… you. You can’t just decide you like me out of nowhere.”

“I didn’t decide,” he murmured, “It just happened.”

Your breath hitched, your heart racing. Why was he doing this to you? Why couldn’t he just leave you alone?

“I—” You broke off, struggling to find words, but before you could answer, a loud voice interrupted.

“Yo, Rafe! There you are, man!”

You both jerked back, startled, and you glanced over to see one of Rafe’s friends—Topper, if you remembered correctly—stumbling over, a wide grin plastered across his face.

“What are you doing back here?” Topper slurred, his gaze sliding to you. He blinked, “Who’s this?”

Rafe stepped in front of you slightly, his posture tense and protective. “Doesn’t matter,” he said curtly, “Go find someone else to bother.”

Topper blinked, taken aback. “Whoa, man, chill. I was just—”

“Go,” Rafe repeated, his tone brooking no argument.

Topper stared at him for a long moment, then slowly backed off, muttering under his breath as he disappeared into the crowd. As soon as he was gone, Rafe turned back to you, his eyes softening again.

“Sorry about that,” he murmured, “Didn’t mean to—”

“Why did you do that?” you cut in, your heart still pounding.

Rafe frowned. “Do what?”

“Get rid of him,” you said, shaking your head in confusion. “He was your friend. Why would you—”

Maybe you’d misread him. Maybe he didn’t actually mean any of what he said. He was probably just bored, looking for some amusement—another toy to play with for a little while.

“I wanted to talk to you. Not him.”

You blinked, bewildered. “But he’s your friend.”

He gave a half-hearted shrug. “So? Doesn’t mean I want him interrupting us.”

Us. Like there was an “us.” Like there could ever be an “us.”

You shook your head, trying to clear the fog of confusion. “But I don’t understand,” you mumbled. “I don’t get it. You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough,” he said quietly, his eyes holding yours in a way that made it hard to breathe. “More than you think.”

You frowned. It was impossible to shake the nagging feeling that he was just… playing with you. That this was all some sick joke and at any moment, the punchline would hit, and you’d be the idiot.

“You’re just messing with me,” you muttered, taking a small step back to put some space between you. “You’re bored or something.”

“I’m not bored,” he said firmly, stepping forward to close the gap you’d just created. “I told you, I wouldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t ask for any of this. You’ve been following me around, showing up where I am, saying all these things like—like we’re something, but we’re not.”

Rafe stepped closer, his eyes narrowing as he looked at you, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What are you talking about? You really think I’m just messing around?”

“Yes!” you practically shouted, throwing your hands up. “Yes, I do! Why else would you be doing this? You’re Rafe Cameron, for god’s sake. You don’t even like me. This is just some twisted game to you, isn’t it?”

You stared at him, trying to read his face, trying to find any hint of dishonesty, any sign that this was all an act. But all you saw was that same intensity, that same focus, like you were the only person who mattered.

Your chest tightened, panic grazing at you. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. People didn’t just… like you. They didn’t seek you out at parties or show up in libraries to talk about sociology. Guys like Rafe didn’t choose people like you. There had to be some ulterior motive.

“You show up out of nowhere, act like I’m some project, some… someone who needs your protection—why, Rafe? Because I don’t fit into your world? Because I’m some joke to you and your friends?”

“That’s not it,” He growled, his voice defensive. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” you scoffed, shaking your head. “You haven’t been honest about anything. You haven’t given me a reason to believe any of this.”

“You think I’m lying? 

You moved your head again, harder this time. “That doesn’t make sense. You’re—you’re saying things that don’t make sense. I don’t understand.”

He took a slow, poising breath, his eyes never leaving yours. "What doesn't make sense to you?" 

"All of this," you replied, your voice quivering with frustration, "You, acting like you—like you actually care. Like you see me. People don’t just do that, not for someone like me. I don’t—" You cut yourself off, not sure how to finish the sentence, your thoughts spiraling.

It wasn’t just that you couldn’t believe him; it was that you didn’t know how to believe him. Your experiences had taught you to be wary, to always look for the catch, because there always was one.

Always.

Rafe's brows drawn together in something that almost looked like concern. "Someone like you?" he repeated, "What does that even mean?"

You swallowed, feeling your insecurities gripping down on your chest. "It means I’m not… like you. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t get things right all the time. People don’t notice me, and when they do, it’s usually because I’ve done something wrong, or because they want something from me. That’s just how it is."

He shook his head slowly. "That’s not how I see you."

You opened your mouth to argue, to say something—anything—to dismiss what he was saying, to protect yourself from the disappointment that was sure to come. But Rafe didn’t give you the chance. 

"You think I’m messing with you because you’re not like everyone else? Is that it? You think I’m playing some kind of game because you don’t fit into some stupid idea of who’s supposed to matter?" 

You wanted to pull away, to recoil into the safety of your doubts, but something in his voice, in the way he was looking at you, made you stop.

"I’m not going to pretend like I know everything about you," Rafe continued, no less serious. "But I know enough to know that I’m not bored. I don’t care if you don’t fit in with my world, or whatever you think that means. I like that you’re passionate about the things you care about. I like that you don’t put up with anyone’s shit—not even mine." A small, almost self-deprecating smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "I’ve spent enough time around fake people to know the difference."

You weren’t used to this—this kind of sincerity. It felt too real. And part of you still wanted to push it away, to reject it before it had a chance to hurt you. But another part of you—a much smaller, quieter part—was whispering that maybe he meant it.

"Why me?"

"Because you're you," he said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

For a long, breathless moment, the two of you just stood there, the noise of the party fading into the background. Your mind was still processing everything, but there was something in the way he was looking at you, something that made you feel—just for a second—like maybe you could trust this.

You shook your head, "I’m not… I’m not good at this," you admitted, your voice uncertain. "At understanding what people mean, or knowing if they’re being serious or not. I don’t know how to read you."

Rafe’s eyes softened even more at your confession, and he took a deep breath, like he was trying to figure out how to make you believe him. "I get that," he said quietly. "And I’m not always great at this either. But I’m serious. I wouldn’t lie to you, especially not about this."

You wanted to believe him. More than anything, you wanted to believe him. But there was still that tiny voice of doubt in the back of your mind, reminding you of all the times you’d been wrong before, of all the times you’d trusted someone only to be let down.

You hesitated, your throat tight. "I don’t know if I can."

He didn’t push, didn’t demand anything from you. Instead, he just nodded slowly.

"That’s okay. You don’t have to believe me right now. But I’ll be here when you’re ready."

And with that, he stepped back, giving you the space you so desperately needed. He didn’t try to force anything, didn’t press for more. Instead, he just gave you a small, almost hopeful smile and turned, disappearing back into the crowd.

And as you stood there, your heart still pummeling into your ribs, you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d been wrong about him after all.

[moethh]

dashboard simulator but with saints

⚔ knight--lover Follow

I ASKED FOR ROMANCE BOOKS AND THIS IS WHAT THEY GAVE ME???!?!??? WHAT AM I LOOKING AT????? 💀💀💀

♻️ ⚔ knight--lover Follow

nvm this stuffs good 💀

#like actually??? #gonna keep reading these while my leg is still healing #recovery update

15 notes

🌹 littlefl0wer Follow

cosplay!

♻️ ⚜ born-to-do-this Follow

Oh this is incredible! I love it!

♻️ 🌹 littlefl0wer Follow

oh my goodness?! thank you so much!! ❤️❤️❤️

#wow! i didn't know you would actually see this! #i'm so happy you like it!! #<3 #edit: we're mutuals now!!!

442 notes

🌟 host-prince Follow

EVERYONE‼ Below is a list of users who are ACTUAL DEMONS. PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM. Just block and report. Stay safe everyone.

Keep reading

#I am not going to add trigger or content warnings to this post as I want people to see it. #However #you are obviously free to add them to your own reblogs if you wish to do so.

15,837 notes

🔨 just-a-carpenter Follow

🤔

♻️ 💧 locustman Follow

???? Uncle???????? What is this????? What does this Mean????????

♻️ 🔨 just-a-carpenter Follow

👍

♻️ 💧 locustman Follow

???????????????????????????????????? @'mom? Can you explain? Please????

♻️ 👑 mom Follow

Idk

♻️ 🔨 just-a-carpenter Follow

👍

1,118 notes

⚔ knight--lover Follow

PH M

OH MY GOSH. Ok. Rant incoming.

So there's this guy I'm traveling with and GET THIS: HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN @/mom's PERPETUAL VIRGINITY?!?!??!?!

I'm thinking of killing him. Like. Actually. I'm not even kidding. I genuinely can't decide whether or not I should kill him.

So you guys should decide:

#rant #my polls #tw antidicomarian #cw antidicomarian #please vote or else i'll just let my horse decide for goodness' sake

216 notes

👑 mom Follow

Alright, someone tagged me on @knight--lover's poll so this is my response to it:

♻️ ⚔ knight--lover Follow

Hm. I'll think about it.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

♻️ 👑 mom Follow

YOUNG MAN.

#Ignatius. Come on.

523 notes

🐭 martin-n-mice Follow

Wow! I've just found a ton of these little guys in a part of the monastery I've never been in before!

♻️ 👤 purrtrude

seems like your monastery needs one of these

♻️ 🐭 martin-n-mice Follow

NO!!

♻️ 👤 purrtrude

what? don't like cats?

♻️ 🐭 martin-n-mice Follow

I LIKE THE MICE!!

♻️ 👤 purrtrude

if you could save all the mice in the world, would you if all the cats starved to death?

♻️ 🐭 martin-n-mice Follow

??? What?????? I am so confused.

Are you implying that cats only eat mice, and if they couldn't, then they would just. Die? What is happening.

♻️ 🕯 claaaaaare Follow

Hey, @fraaaaaancis. Just curious how you would solve this.

♻️ 🐺 fraaaaaancis Follow

Hm. Well, it seems that St. Gertrude's situation is implying that you could only save either all cats or all mice with no survivors on the other side. To me, she is just asking which animal you like more.

There is really nothing to solve? This whole situation is very strange.

♻️ 🐱 gertie-the-kitty Follow

THATS NOT EVEN ME??? WHO IS THAT THAT IS NOT ME

@host-prince @host-prince @host-prince??????

♻️ 🌟 host-prince Follow

purrtrude is definitely Not You.

♻️ 📜 more-of-thomas Follow

OP is this your post?

♻️ 🐭 martin-n-mice Follow

#wghhhhghghhh #i just wanted to show off the mice...... #they're living happily by the way! i bring them food!

374 notes

🎨 luke-the-artpostle Follow

#my art #artists on christblr

1,852,658 notes

🐲 marthamartha Follow

look at this Thing. with that look you would probably think that the man just so happened to crawl in its mouth. what a Creature.

anyways does anyone have a sword

♻️ 🐲 marthamartha Follow

WILL PEOPLE IN THE NOTES STOP TELLING ME TO KEEP IT??? AS IF IT HASN'T KILLED PEOPLE?????

in case anyone forgot, this is a literal DRAGON

♻️ 🐲 marthamartha Follow

@turn-me-over-im-done-on-this-side???????????? what??????????

♻️ 🍳 turn-me-over-im-done-on-this-side Follow

I fail to see what needs explaining. Where did it live?

♻️ 🐲 marthamartha Follow

I-

Ok. It lived in the water.

♻️ 🍳 turn-me-over-im-done-on-this-side Follow

hm. Maybe it would taste like fish?

♻️ 🐲 marthamartha Follow

Maybe. I honestly don't know what the townspeople did with the body. They just asked me for help 🤷‍♀️

♻️ 📜 more-of-thomas Follow

#??????????????? #I am somewhat concerned for you two #(for all of my mutuals actually but as of seeing this post right now I am very concerned for Lawrence especially) #But I shan't say that I'm surprised considering that Lawrence told jokes while he was burning alive #and now that's his username for some reason #As a fellow joke-maker I suppose I admire that? #But as a human being I am concerned

563 notes

[runningfrom2am]

leveling the playing field XVI

summary: you can finally go home.

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

wc: 3.4k

masterlists / nav / requests

tags/warnings: capitol brat!reader, maybe slightly ooc coryo, idk i tried my best. do they love each other or hate each other? who knows (we do.). implications and mentions of abuse and some non-graphic violence, so read with caution!! also a little bit of swearing but that's neither here nor there. oh, and manipulation.

a/n: i can't believe this is it :') the final part (excluding the epilogue which is coming v soon). thank you all so so so much for all the love on this fic! it means so much to me that you guys enjoyed it! but don't get too sad (like me) bc i am not ready to let them go so i'll probably do like blurbs and stuff ab this series so stick around for those!

series masterlist // playlist

"Y/N/N. Do you have your clothes from home?" Coryo asks, pulling the boat back up onto the shore. The guns were gone. He's free to go home if he wants.

"Yes." You nod. "I couldn't get rid of them if I wanted." You chuckle, looking up into the woods behind the cabin, hoping Sejanus is long gone by now.

"Okay. You're gonna stay here, just for a few days, and then I'll come get you before the train leaves. I'll take you to Two with me, just wear those. You'll fit in better."

"Okay..." You nod, nervous about being out here all alone for so long.

"I'll come bring you food as much as I can." He knew it would be a long hike each way to come see you, but he would have to carve out the time. He looks up at you quickly from digging through his own bag when he hears you sniffle. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I- uhm..." You clear your throat, fanning your eyes to keep any tears from falling. "I'm just scared." You try and laugh it off, shaking your head slightly.

"Don't be scared." Coryo shakes his head, dropping the bag to grab your shoulders. "Hey, you're gonna be okay, Darling, but we don't have another choice. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"I know, I know that..." You sniff, looking up at him. "Is she dead?"

"Yes." He answers quickly. "I buried her. She can't hurt you." He promises. Was that true? No, definitely not. There was no trace of her after the shot besides her earring on the ground,  but he had hit her. He was sure of it. There was no reason to tell you that, though, just to scare you more. You couldn't go back to town, there was nowhere for you to hide while peacekeepers searched every inch of the populated part of the District for days while he waited for his train.

"Okay." You whisper, taking a deep, shakey breath as you look around at the suddenly scary forested area around you. The rain had started to clear up, which helped with the sun peeking through the clouds to brighten up the lake. If Lucy Gray hadn't ruined everything, you would probably be getting ready to keep moving.

"Just, try to relax out here. Okay? Go for a swim, just enjoy the fresh air." He smiles softly, brushing some hair back out of your face as he tries to make you feel better.

"I've had enough of the woods for the rest of my life." You scoff, shaking your head under his hold.

"I know, Y/N/N, I'm sorry. It's only a few days. Like I said, I'll come back for you whenever I'm free." Even if he could only stay for five minutes before he had to turn around and make the trip back to town, he would do it. "Then we'll figure everything out. I'll handle it."

"I... I just want to go home, but I can't." You cry, letting him wipe your tears as your chest flushes with the emotion.

Coryo winces at your tears. He hates seeing you cry, and he has seen it far more times than he would have liked to in the last few months. "I'm going to figure it out. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you ever again. I promise." He says softly, trying to get you to look at him.

You lean into his palm, closing your eyes as you try desperately to pull it together. You were exhausted, but this was the last thing Coryo needed right now. "I'm sorry. I'm just having a moment."

"I know. You're okay." He chuckles, planting a kiss on your forehead and pulling you into a hug, rocking your body gently back and forth. "You know, I think the last time you said that to me was the day I realized I was in love with you." He hums, squeezing your shoulders gently.

You laugh, which makes him smile. It's what he wanted. "I feel like that's a bit dramatic."

"No, it's true." He grins, craning his neck to look down at you. "You defended me, and you listened to me, and you looked just so pretty doing it..."

You bury your face in his shirt to hide your blush.

"You're always on my team, and I appreciate that. I really do." He explains, satisfied that he's made you feel at least a little better. "I hope you know I'm always on your side, too."

You nod slightly, smiling through your tears as you look up at him. "I know."

"Good." Coryo whispers, kissing your nose. "I love you."

"Really?" You whisper, eyes lighting up as you wring your hands together against his chest in front of you. "You're not just saying that because I'm crying on you?" You laugh slightly.

"No, I do." He nods in confirmation, grinning down at you in admiration. "There's no one else in this world I can trust as much as I can trust you."

"Then why'd you give her your scarf?" You ask, tilting your head. "It looked... valuable."

"It was. It belonged to my mother..." He says solemnly. He suddenly shakes his head, mocking your expression as he changes the tone. "You really were dead to the world, huh? I was holding it, and she just asked if she could see it. Then she didn't give it back." Coryo explains, raising an eyebrow at you. "Why, are you jealous of the dead girl?"

You roll your eyes with a smile on your face, attempting to shove him away.

"Hey, I'm kidding." He laughs, pulling you close again by your wrists. "Don't you trust me?"

"Okay, yes, I trust you." You giggle as he drops your wrists, sliding his hands over your waist.

"And you love me?" Coryo asks, urging you on.

"And I love you." You grin, nodding slightly.

"That's my girl..." He hums, running a hand lower down your side, thumb running over your midsection as he leans in to kiss you. He had you right where he wanted you, he'd wanted to say that for ages. Only since he even clued into the fact that the buzz he gets under his skin when he catches you smiling, anyway. Realistically, you were something he had always wanted. Picturing his future over the last few years when he was dragging himself out of bed every morning desperate to arrive to class on time even on an empty stomach, his daydreams of his success always included your own, as well.

Now, it was only the two of you. He was so right about you, you were perfect in every way. Smart, obedient to him and only to him, but you fought for what you wanted. You knew struggle, pressure, and soul crushing expectations in the same way he did. Through all of it, you were there for him. You were beautiful- and he was the only one smart enough to see past your occasional outbursts. No one knew how to navigate you like he did, and he was lucky that few people ever bothered to try.

The most beautiful girl in all of the Capitol, and you were his. He meant it when he said that he would never let anyone hurt you. He couldn't let anyone take you from him.

"Do you know where we're going? Where Tigris and your Grandma'am are living?" You whisper, curled up next to Coryo on the train as it pulls into the Capitol station. You're holding the orange silk scarf in your hands, using it as a small blanket in the cold train car. You had spent most of your time out by the lake trying to clean it- but dirt was a stubborn stain. You'd have to be more thorough once you had access to cleaning supplies again. You couldn't let such a lovely piece of clothing go to waste, especially when it was so valuable to him.

"I don't..." Coryo mumbles in response, staring out the window as you lean your head against his shoulder, knees tucked up to your chest. "They shouldn't be hard to find, though."

The wheels screech to a slow stop in the familiar city, and you can't help but smile at the endless sea of grey architecture. It wasn't anything like the forest in Twelve, and you loved it. The door slides open and some peacekeepers enter, drawing both of your attention as you sit up away from him.

"Dr. Gaul is expecting you both in her lab immediately." One of them informs you, and you nod a little bit, looking nervously over at your boyfriend.

You hung off his arm for the entire car ride and all the way to the lab as you're escorted by the men in the matching uniform to his own. Your clothes were dirty, despite how many times you cleaned them back in District Twelve. You had cleaned them obsessively throughout the last couple of months, but the water was never quite clear enough to be helpful. It was vile. Surely you smell unpleasant due to this, and you were hoping you would have a shower before confronting anyone from your previous life, but clearly, you weren't so lucky.

"Do I stink?" You whisper, trying to avoid the echo of the large room as your heels click across the linoleum flooring.

"Not any more than I do." Coryo answers, a small smile pulling on his lips as he glances down at you.

You giggle, gently slapping his chest as he removes his hat.

"Congratulations, Mister Snow, Miss Y/L/N. You've passed all my tests." You look up at Dr. Gaul for the first time as she speaks to you, tossing something into a pool on her floor. "I've asked President Ravenstill to grant you both a full pardon, effective immediately."

You don't say anything as you both stop in front of the tank in the ground, staring into it as Coryo revels in the shock. "I also told him that you are too promising to be wasted in the Districts. So you will be studying under me at the Capitol University."

While she speaks, you pull Tigris's coat tighter around yourself at the slimy, vicious look of whatever creatures are splashing around inside that tank that she is continuously feeding.

"We can't afford university." Coryo answers on your behalf, forcing you to look up at the woman across from you. While you were incredibly grateful, you were scared. Things were complicated back at your parents' home, and even with a legal form of forgiveness, it's not likely your father will see it the same way. You couldn't go back, and he wasn't likely to give you a dime or let you go free. Within the week, you'd probably die from an "unknown illness" contracted in the Districts if he found out you were home.

"A certain Mister Strabo Plinth has offered to pay for everything you need while you're there. All for being such good friends to his Sejanus." Dr. Gaul explains and your heart drops in your chest. You can't help but wonder if he's even still alive out there, in the North. "He doesn't know quite how good a friend you were, of course. I never mentioned your little recording. Quite impressive, Mister Snow, how you sent your only friend to the grave just to get my attention."

"That's not what I did." Coryo shakes his head at the allegation.

He squeezes your arm in warning, knowing this topic was a fine line to walk. "Are you sure? Because I think that won you the Plinth Prize, after all."

"Sejanus Plinth is not dead." You blurt out without thinking. She tilts her head at you, looking at you intensely, a knowing smile growing on her lips.

"Oh?" She asks, and internally you struggle for a saving grace while Coryo furrows his brow at you. You hadn't seen Sejanus since you sent him away, but you did try looking for him in your days out there alone. You had to believe he was alive, after you gave him his way out.

"Well, I heard that he had escaped in Twelve. As far as I know, they never found a body. He planned on running off anyway. That's likely what he did." You explain, clearing your throat.

"I agree. That is likely, but the odds he would survive out there..." She shakes her head slightly, dropping another treat into the tank as the creatures snap at it. "Anyway, the president has agreed to another year of the games! People watched, and I have you kids to thank for that."

You and Coryo wear matching grins now, posture perfect to match your collective pride.

"But before I take you under my wing, after everything you've seen out there in the real world, let me ask you one final time." Dr. Gaul says, looking pointedly between the two of you. "What are the Hunger Games for?"

You look up at your boyfriend, nodding for him to answer. "I used to think that the Hunger Games were a punishment for the districts. Then, I thought they served as a warning to us here in the capitol, about the threat the districts posed. Now I know the whole world is an arena. And we need the Hunger Games every year to remind us all who we truly are."

"And who are you, do you determine?" Coryo looks down at you as she speaks.

"We are the Victors." You finish with a proud smile, looking at the woman across from you who seems more than pleased with your answer.

"Coriolanus, what are you doing back so soon?" Your mom greets him as she opens the door of your childhood home, smiling sadly, confused as to the condition of his return.

"Good afternoon, Ma'am." He smiles politely, grey uniform cap now clutched to his chest. "I proved to be exceptional in my training. Dr. Gaul saw it was better Y/N and I work under her at the University."

"Y/N?" Your mom gasps, reaching up to cover her mouth with her hand. "She's alive?"

"I assure you, she is safe." Coriolanus nods. "Now, may I speak with your husband? I won't take up much of his time." He brushes past her, entering the home without waiting for permission.

"Well, dear, where is she?" Your mom asks, letting him pass and closing the door quickly. "Why hasn't she come home?"

"I think you know why she hasn't come here." He hums, looking around. "Where is he?"

"His study." Your mom answers quietly, gesturing up the stairs. "I'll walk you."

"No need. I know where I'm going." He gives her a small smile in return, following the familiar path toward your room.

He stops in front of your father's study, knocking before taking a step back. The force of habit leads him to stand at attention while he waits for permission to enter.

"I'm busy, don't bother me." Your father's voice echoes through the ornate lining on the door. Then he realizes, he doesn't need permission. Not anymore.

Coriolanus huffs, opening the door and stepping in.

"I said-" Your father growls, slamming his pen down on the desk before he looks up and takes in the grey of Coriolanus's decorated peacekeeper uniform. "Coriolanus."

"Sir." He nods in response, closing the door quietly behind himself. "May I sit?" He asks coldly, gesturing to the chair across from him.

"Please." Your father nods, brow furrowed as to what the blonde boy could possibly want, or what he is doing back so soon.

"Y/N isn't here, son." Your father sighs. "She-"

"I know that." Coriolanus interrupts, placing his hat on the desk between them.

"You know where she is." Your father's tone is unsurprised, but questioning.

"I do." He confirms, back straight in the chair. He had always been afraid of your father, but this was built on an admiration. He reminded him of what little he remembered about his own father. This morphed into anger slowly but surely over the last few years, picking up several hints either in your appearance, demeanor, or choice of words which painted an incredibly unflattering picture of who the man sitting in front of him truly was.

Your dad hums in response, eyes locked on the boy. "How was your summer?"

The question catches Coryo off guard, but he puts all his focus into maintaining his poise. He has the upper hand, here, and he has to keep reminding himself of that. "It was good. Certainly an eye-opening experience, the people out there are very... different."

"Then what brought you back so soon?" His neglect to even ask where you were, if you were okay, if you were even alive makes Coryo's blood boil in his veins.

"Dr. Gaul." Coriolanus states, swallowing before he continues. "She granted your daughter and I a full pardon in exchange for taking an internship under her at the university. After all, that is her dream, is it not?"

Your father's eyes narrowed slightly at the mention of your name. "It was." He agrees.

"Is." Coriolanus corrects him, leaning forward with his elbows on the desk. "Strabo Plinth has offered to pay our way."

"Of course he has." Your dad chuckles, but not an ounce of humour reaches his eyes. "Self righteous bastard..."

"Seeing as you don't care about her as much as you care about your own reputation, he saw it would be a way to repay her for her loyal friendship to his son. She saved his life twice, after all." Coryo ignores your father's comment, watching as the gears turn in his head, trying to remember the second time.

"I know you think you understand my daughter, Coriolanus, but there are some parts of her you will never know. Not truly." Your father responds coolly. "So, I'm not sure what she has told you, but-"

"But nothing." Coryo cuts him off, leaning back in his seat. "Here is what is going to happen. You will have nothing to do with her, her life, her mistakes, or her decisions any longer. Since, in your own words, you see her as such a burden, I am willing to free you of that."

Your dad grits his teeth together, and it's his turn to lean forward. "Coriolanus Snow, you will not speak to me that way in my own home. Y/N is my daughter, and I shall be involved as I please and I shall do with her what I deem appropriate to consequent her actions."

"No." Coryo replies sternly, standing up abruptly, unabashed by the sound of the chair scraping across the wooden floor as he slams his fist on the desk. "She is eighteen. I  take responsibility for her now, and unless you want to lose everything you and Highbottom have built, you will cut me in on every dime you make. Do you understand?"

Your dad laughs again. "And who will believe you, Coryo? You're just kids. You don't know what you're talking about. Whatever she told you is untrue. Simple as that."

"Would you like a list?" Coryo threatens. "Is that a risk you're willing to take, Y/D/N?"

He sighs, standing up to look eye to eye with him, clearly seething with the disrespectful use of his first name. "She's more trouble for you than it's worth, Son."

"That is my decision to make." Coryo says through gritted teeth.

"Suit yourself." Your dad raises his hands in defeat, careful to not show any fear. Coriolanus could see through it, though. He's won, and he knows it; it was a great deal, if your father was smart enough to see it that way. "How much do you want? Money is nothing to me."

"More than Highbottom gets." Coriolanus requests plainly, grabbing his hat and placing it back over his head. "And you'll pay for our wedding." He adds casually, pushing the discarded chair back into its place. "You'll pay for as many dresses and parties as she wants, every drink, every slice of cake, and every last flower she wishes for exactly how she wishes for it. No compromises, and no surprise appearances from you. Are. We. Clear?" He speaks clearly, intentionally enunciating every word with a trace of venom.

"Crystal." Your father scoffs, taking a drink from the whiskey glass on his desk.

Coriolanus nods, giving him a small smile. "Good. I'll be expecting the money orders every other week." He grins smugly, giving your father a quick bow before heading for the door, stopping as his hand brushes over the handle. "All due respect, Sir, which I deem to be very little, but what you have done to your daughter over all these years is what has made her into the woman you hate. Don't think I was the only one who noticed, and you would deserve every bit of harm we could do to your name. If you ever so much as speak to her again, I will kill you myself."

Coryo glances back at your father's expression only briefly before leaving. He couldn't resist the satisfying look of loathing and anger on the man's face.

The small smile sticks as he walks down the stairs, hearing the crystal glass shatter as it's thrown against the door behind him.

Finally, you were totally even.

taglist: @totallynotkaibiased , @stelleduarte , @klplynn , @secretsicanthideanymore , @bejeweledreverie , @gloryekaterina , @andrewgarfieldsbitch , @queenofspades6 , @pepperonipastas , @ladybug0095 , @lunamothwrites , @sbrewer21 , @mus-tbe-a-weasley , @splxtscreen , @unclecrunkle , @karmaswitch , @coconut-dreamz , @nekee-lilac02 , @ooooglymoooogly , @riddlerloveb0t , @lovedbalances , @notyourwildestdream , @snowlandson-top , @too-lit-for-fanfic , @utopiakys , @deafeningballoonnacho , @roosterschanelslut , @chmpgneprblem , @cosmoetik , , @urvampgfsworld , @carolanns-world@nan-nie , @shakespearseclipse , @iovemoonyy , @notyoursweetheart-honey ,  @xyzstar , @eatpizzasass, @slytherinholland , @queenofshinigamis , @elodiebeau , @soulessjourney

taglist is closed for coryo unfortunately, but my requests for him are open!! so send me all your suggestions!! requests here!!

[suplicyy]

hey hey hey (i sound like bokuto LOOOL) since your requests are open 👀👀 can you write something about kuroo again? i know i’m boring asf but i just can’t ignore my need to read everything about him you write. i was thinking, since they’re both in nekoma high (reader can be a second or third year like him, your choice) but maybe they’re in different classes so he would pay visit to her during breaks or even during lessons, i don’t know why but i feel like this is something he would definitely, he loves the attention after all. this is just my little idea, then you have completely free rein. thank u so much!! and dw about it taking time, i bet it’ll be worth the waiting (btw I LOVED kuroo headcannons, they’re so himm)

If you two were from different classes

Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader

— Summary: You two are from the same school, but both are in different classes.

— Tags/Genre: Fem!Reader (implied) | Fluff | Headcanons

— Warnings: None!

Before you guys started dating, you really couldn't understand how it always seemed like Kuroo was around, even though he wasn't even in your class.

There wasn't a day that went by where Kuroo wasn't barging into your classroom just to talk to you.

When I say he would do anything to see you even in separate classes, I mean anything.

There are times when even when he doesn't go to school for some reason, he always finds a way to go into school just to see you and then leave as if he had never been there.

Except for the days when he's sick as hell and can't even get out of bed. (but he would pester you via text message telling you to come visit him)

Or sometimes when Kuroo's homeroom teacher lets his students out for break early, but your homeroom teacher doesn't, so he stands next to your classroom door, patiently waiting for you to come out.

And at those times, please don't look out the hallway window, or you'll find Kuroo staring at you with some grimace through the window.

He once did just that and you burst out laughing in the middle of your math teacher's explanation, which made you have to spend all your break time helping him with a ton of paperwork.

And of course Kuroo begged the teacher to let him help you.

At least once in his life, he probably tried to pass himself off as a student of your class just to be with you. And when the teacher asked why Kuroo was in his class, he just said "You must be mistaken, teacher, I've always been from here" as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

And it's safe to say that after that, the teacher kicked him out of your classroom and gave him a nearly 10-minute lecture on how wrong it is to lie.

Someone stop him please, this boy is jumping at any opportunity to be near you...😭

LISTEN!! He would DEFINITELY tell you all the gossip that happened in his classroom.

If he knew of something scandalous, such as falsehoods between classmates, or even fights, he would rush to tell you everything and in full detail.

Many people know you two as a gossipy couple.

And I also say that whenever he has the chance, he would bring his own snack to your classroom so you can eat together, and he even brings Kenma every now and then. (only when Kuroo promises to buy him a new game)

— A/N: I really enjoyed writing this one because I identified with your request😭 At school, all my friends are in another class, while I am all alone in other, and whenever the bell rings for break, I run to their classroom to be with them!!

And don't worry about asking for the same character several times, I'm managing to get into a good writing rhythm!! So ask as many times as you want, and I will try to follow this rhythm!!

[artists-who-rarely-draws]

Calling Gravity falls artists!

Firstly, I love you all your art is so scrumptious mwah mwah mwah mwah!!.

Okay now to the casting call?? Listing?? Idk the term BUT! I am in the process of scripting out and designing a 80s Stan pines Dating SIM bwah bwah!

I'm planning to do the sprite work as I'm pretty good at replicating the gravity falls style.

But! For CGS, the Game Cover(?) (and / or backgrounds, maybe still deciding), I'm hoping to find an art style with a bit more - Pizzaz!!!!

**I am more than willing to pay! Your art is beautiful, and you deserve to be compensated!!!!**

Now some details about what it would look like:

- I will come to you for a few different cgs for both a Ford and Stan route in a stretched out period of time (meaning not all of once, not only because I don't want to overwhelm, but so that I can fully decide on a scene make sure it's fully what I want before coming to you for the CG for it, I don't want to think I know what I want then fully change my mind and then ya know this CG your either working on or finished now doesn't apply)

-We can talk through DM's , email (Tho my email rarely gives me notifications, so if I respond late, I'm sorry), Discord. Wherever makes you the most comfortable, artwork probably should be shared through either Drive or Email, though since Dependant on Size, most sites will kind of crunch them.

-You will receive FULL credit!!! This one feels like a given, but the internet is wild, and I've seen this misconception happen. Just because I'm paying for your art doesn't mean you don't also get credit. Credit your commissioners' kids.

-You get to set the price on your own art! Far be it from me to tell *you* what your time and effort is worth.

-communication is very important, I do work full time, but if I'm free and you need to talk to me, I'm more than open! If I don't get back to you within a day or so, feel free to give me a friendly little reminder that the notification has been lost.

-I will provide reference sheets that don't follow the canon (like other outfits or hair styles or whatever)

- as part of talking out each piece, I'd like a quote on price and a rough?? Idea?? On when it may be completed (Note: that is not like a strict deadline or anything. I understand things happen! Like i said, just pop me a message saying it can't be finished by 'blank', maybe 'blank' or just that you don't know! I won't bite! I'm an artist! I get it!

And I think that's about all of Note at the moment? If you have any more questions feel free to ask them!

If you'd be willing to be my CG artist please send me a DM with some gravity falls art examples, your rough prices (which again I understand will change from piece to piece buy just like a idea of how your prices for scenes normally are) and your prefrence for how we would communicate about the game ^^.

Thank you very much for reading! And again I love your art so much! Mwah mwah!

(Note, game might get it's own blog once I fully decide on a title, right now im thinking 'The Diners Call' but idk for sure)

[calware]

animated tumblr icon masterpost

(EDIT (7/10): it is no longer possible to have an animated icon if you did not have one previously. staff has admitted that this "feature" was added accidentally and that it's already been patched. i'll be removing any now-irrelevant segments from the intro and the FAQ. check the notes if you want to see earlier versions of this post)

two days ago, tumblr added the ability to have an animated icon by using an animated webp without giving out any official information on it (from what i can tell). i'm making this post to reduce the amount of questions i get about this. i'll be updating it with any new information i come across. if you have any questions after reading this post, feel free to ask

before i start, as of now, the web version of tumblr plays animated icons automatically which means icons with flashing lights/colors are a danger to people with photosensitivity. do not abuse this feature! remember to keep your icon safe for others by avoiding using any animated images with flashing lights/colors

also, please note that i do not use the tumblr app and i don't know how it works or how it differs from the web version. i use the desktop website as well as the website on my phone's browser (safari)

with that out of the way, here are some frequently asked questions:

7) if a blog has an animated icon, the animation only plays if i click on the icon. otherwise it's stuck on the first frame. why is this?

it's probably because of the platform you're using tumblr on. i use the web version and this doesn't happen to me, it just automatically plays on its own continuously. from what i can tell, this bug(?) only occurs on the tumblr app (depending on which device you use)

8) i use the app and i can't see anyone's animated icons, it's stuck on the first frame no matter what i do. how do i fix this?

check to see if you need to update the app

9) all the animated icons on the page suddenly froze up, what do i do?

try scrolling a little bit, that should unfreeze them. i don't know why this happens or why doing that fixes it 🫥

10) i had an animated icon and now it won't move. why did this happen and how do i fix this?

unfortunately i don't know why this happens, sorry. i could be wrong but from what i've seen i don't think you can fix it ☹️

11) i currently have an animated icon, if i upload a different animated webp image will it still work?

from what i've seen, no. if you want to keep your animated icon as it is, i'd suggest not changing it

12) i have an animated icon, if i edit my blog appearance (without changing the icon) will it mess up my icon?

if you edit your blog appearance via the desktop theme editor (https://www.tumblr.com/customize/yoururl), it should be fine

[mybworlds]

CHAPTER 7

status: ongoing

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

summary: your life is full of 'must'. You live with your overprotective mother who controls every aspect of your life. You have a dream, to write romance novels, but love - real love - you haven't found yet. Your mother has even decided what you must do in your free time: play music. One day, however, when you go to your music teacher's house, you will have an unexpected encounter and from that day on things change…

Masterlist

rating: 18+ explicit (minors, DNI)

Before to start... thank you for your support, for your likes and reblog, thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️

If you like it pls leave a like/comment/reblog it, if you don't like it don't be rude and keep going. Please remember English is not my first language, so please be merciful!

Thanks @vase-of-lilies for the banner

Grocery shopping with Joel is an experience that turned out to be more fun perhaps than it should have been as Joel would just run from one aisle to another, leaning on the shopping cart whenever you told him to wait because you were watching what to get. If it were up to him, he would take prepared and powdered stuff only, and when that happened, you would turn your nose up at it and make him put it down or put it down yourself.

In short, you learned one thing: Joel can't do grocery shopping.

You smile as you're walking back to his house-he has a trunk full of bags and edibles, he'll be fine for weeks probably!

You help him arrange the groceries in the fridge, in the pantry, he takes things out of the bags and you put them away. From time to time you cast glances at each other, which to you means gratitude, to him perhaps more, you try not to ask.

"I've to go now. I have to talk to my mother," you tell him wearing your jacket again.

"I'll accompany you." he offers.

You shake your head "No, Joel, I'd like to take a walk."

"It's far." he reminds you.

"I know, but…I'd still like to go alone. Thank you anyway." he nods lowering his gaze for a brief moment "Joel" you go on approaching him "thank you for everything, really."

"Anytime." he says.

You throw your arms around his neck and hug him, he returns the hug strongly. Your heart is pounding in your chest, you cannot explain what is happening. You hide your face in his neck and inhale deeply his strong scent with your eyes closed, you wonder why for you there is never a situation as simple and precise as the one you experienced before when you were helping him grocery shop, everything had been so natural at that moment, your glances, your smiles, him showing you the things to buy and you shaking your head making him roll his eyes. You almost looked like--

"Bye." you say loosening your grip and turning your back immediately, or you would never leave.

Those brown eyes, his scent, his smile. They almost bewitched you.

It shouldn't be that way. Because you're dating another guy, not Joel, but then why his presence becomes more and more cumbersome, more and more present, more and more powerful, more and more all-encompassing with each passing second?

You wish it wasn't so.

The phone vibrates, there is a new message from Jack.

You read the message, "Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?"

You look around and shake your head "Not tonight. I have to resolve an urgent matter at home."

Writing this, you block the phone and continue.

You don't feel like going out tonight. You need to talk to your mother, it's true.

But not only. You want to be alone.

When you knock on the front door, your mother immediately opens it: she is made-up, wearing a hideous pajamas that she wears when she doesn't feel well or is in a bad mood. As soon as she sees you, her face lights up and she throws her arms around your neck.

"Hi, Mom." you say when you are still clinging to her.

"Come." she says letting you in.

You go inside almost in small steps, as if you feel like an intruder entering your own home.

"May I?" you ask, looking away from your mother.

"It's your house, you don't even have to ask." she replies closing the door "I'm the one who has to apologize to you, not for letting you find Leo in the house, but for not talking to you." she sighs "I should have told you everything, or at least mentioned. We'll talk later if it's okay with you." you nod "Come, I ordered sushi."

You eat in silence. You never liked sushi much, but once in a while you pretend to like it, and you do it for your mother, for your messy, chaotic mother who strives to keep everything under control all the time, but who, it seems, cannot do so without being overwhelmed herself by all the events that life puts in front of her.

Both of you talk. For the first time without filters, without 'you must,' for the first time you talk to her and she listens to you; you tell her about Joel - well, you don't tell her everything everything everything - you explain he's become your music teacher and you go to him, no longer to Tommy's; she tells you about Leo and the way they met: she met him during a break from one of her endless hospital shifts, during that break they had talked so much and shared so much it had seemed to them they had known each other all their lives.

Initially they saw each other like this in the hospital when it happened only, she tells you, then they began to date each other during their shifts to have coffee and exchange some confidences, that was where it all started. When Leo had revealed to her he was married, your mother was already in love with him, she knows she is wrong to see a married man, she tells you, however, she loves him and cannot do without him, she feels guilty toward the man's wife and his two children, but at the moment she cannot avoid these meetings.

You make an effort not to judge her, even though you think she is making a mistake in dating this man, but rather advise her to distance herself from him a bit to really understand how she feels about him.

It's the same advice you gave yourself regarding Joel, don't see him to fully understand how you feel about him, whether it's just attraction or whether there's more to it.

Your mother smiles sweetly at you, "I'm sorry I relied so little on you, I'm sorry I didn't give you the right amount of wiggle room in your life. I've been a terrible parent. Oppressive. Sorry. In fact, if you want -- why don't you have your friends over tonight? I promise to go to bed early, but especially not to eavesdrop on any of your conversations," your mother says.

Your eyes light up and you throw your arms around her neck "Thank you, Mom, thank you, thank you." you give her a kiss on the cheek "Then I'll throw a sleepover party complete with pizza!" you exclaim on a high.

Your friends are delighted to come over to your house, you slip into your big pajamas with obscene patterns and fluorescent colors, then you open the pizza boxes and put play on the first movie on Netflix that comes your way, luckily it is a comedy-romance movie, therefore, it meets the tastes of all of you. When the movie is over, you hear your mother close her bedroom door to go to sleep.

That's when your moment of confidences begins: Kristen confides in you about a meeting with a guy at a graphic design master's program, he's very cute, but he's already engaged and she doesn't know whether to try anyway or let it go. You advise her to let it go, Gina and Helen instead urge her to go ahead and see what happens, bad luck he doesn't pick up on the signals and she can move on to the next guy. Gina tells about her erotic encounter two nights before with a guy in a bar, very nice, great speaker and especially one who is very good with oral sex.

"And what about you about John and Joel?" asks Helen.

"You too with 'John,' his name is Jack. J - A - C - K. Jack!" you exclaim.

"Yes, yes, he -- because who else calls him John?" asks Helen again.

"Joel. Last night…"

"You went to him?!" exclaims Gina raising her voice.

You shush her, "Yes, I went to him last night. Now I explain."

You tell them about what happened with your mother, how it had upset you and how you had found refuge at Joel's house, how he had welcomed you and made you feel welcomed, the kiss you gave each other, the shopping you did together the next day.

"I tell you again, when are you going to dip his fingers in your honey jar?" Helen asks making you blush conspicuously.

"What you're experiencing with him, you'll admit is weird," says Gina, you nod "I mean, you got close right away, so why not try it? I'm not saying have sex with him right away, but why not try to be closer to him, more intimate, and then maybe even that?"

"Maybe you don't like it though because Jack is there, but what if Jack wasn't there? Would you be more sure about being with Joel?" asks Kristen.

"Girls, you are forgetting one important thing: I am a virgin, in every sense of the word. I don't know anything about men, how to get intimate with a man, how to do certain things, things that maybe to you, Gina, are obvious. And then he had an affair that ended, it seems, badly that shook him up a lot and he has a daughter -- somewhere. I'm only 29 years old. I don't know if I can handle all this load," you confide to them.

"It's normal to be afraid," Helen reassures you, laying a hand on yours, "But if you don't try you'll never know."

"Now are you talking about Joel or Jack?"

"Both." she answers you "It seems to me you are using Jack as an alibi with Joel and Joel as an alibi with Jack. You are afraid. And again it's normal." she continues "But try to go a little bit further, I don't say go straight to the point, but maybe go out, dress a little bit more provocatively--"

"Yes, I can lend you a couple of my clothes!" exclaims Gina enthusiastically.

"Maybe try to get a little closer and then see what happens," Helen continues.

"We're talking about Jack now."

"Yes." says Helen again.

"Even with Joel, maybe try going somewhere, I don't know--maybe to a restaurant, a theater," says Gina.

"Joel is not the theater type, in fact he likes hiking, the smell of wood," you tell them.

"Then with Joel you are facilitated." resumes Gina "But, man, you have to figure out first who you feel most comfortable with, but more importantly who you are really interested in. Don't keep your foot in two stirrups. It happened to me once and it was a total disaster. You would end up losing 'em both."

That night you have a lot of nightmares. However, even though you wake up in a state of complete agitation, you decide you need to define this interest of yours.

You call Jack and ask him for a date, perhaps at the diner. Nothing romantic or special, but a way to meet him again and try to understand.

He tells you he is at the library this morning studying for an exam, but invites you to join him anyway. He would enjoy your company, he tells you.

You inform Gina about this meeting, and so she almost drags you to her house, or rather actually drags all of you friends to her house.

She makes you try on first a red one-shoulder sheath dress with a pair of shoes with a vertiginous heel, you risk falling and breaking an ankle; so, you shake your head and they roll their eyes.

A second dress is ankle-length ochre with a plunging neckline and a pair of stilettos underneath; you don't like that either.

The third is a midnight blue dress that is mid-thigh length, there is no neckline, and underneath you put on a pair of knee-length boots. It's perfect, you like it, and then you think you can also wear it to the library, maybe put a nice coat over it, and to the diner.

"You look like a nun." comments Gina disapprovingly.

"I like it." comment Kristen and Helen in chorus.

You smile at them, thank them, and then head for the library.

In the city's huge library you went there several times and all of them in secret from your mother, there you borrowed books of various kinds, mostly literature texts as you were strongly interested in literature especially English and Spanish, and as you read your imagination was fed and grew more and more until you wanted to write books.

This desire, however, is still confined to a corner of your head.

You go in, leave your bag in the locker and take the key with you, then use the key card to gain access inside and thus gain access to the reading section. Jack tells you he is in section 55. Your footsteps echo through the huge hallway, as you gradually pass the various sections and observe the hundreds of people hunched over books or reaching out to the various shelves in search of volumes.

You breathe in deeply the smell of the many books stored inside the library and smile, you have always loved that very special smell, the smell of time and history.

You have arrived at section 55 and you immediately see Jack hunched over a thick volume, you see him jotting something down in a notebook and then paying attention to the tome again. He looks so focused that he's almost funny. You approach him, gently placing a hand on his forearm, and he, so engrossed in what he is doing, jerks back.

"H - hello." he greets you with a bewildered look.

"Hi, I'm sorry I scared you," you say with a small smile.

"No, it's okay. Forgive my reaction to your wonderful sight." he says making you smile "Come, have a seat." he adds moving his jacket to another chair.

You sit down next to him and observe him "You look tired." you comment.

He smiles with a more relaxed air "Yes, the exam is in less than three weeks. It's right just before Christmas. I'm very tense. I could really use a distraction." he says looking at you.

"Would I be the distraction?" you ask him in a whisper.

He nods "You are a wonderful distraction." he says stroking your face. His hands are soft and gentle against your skin.

He looks at you, "Did you dress like that for me?"

You blush "I wanted to change it up a bit." you say "The dress is not mine, a friend lent it to me."

"You dress simpler, in fact." he agrees "I don't know if I like a different version of you. You are beautiful as you are, even in your simplicity."

"Thank you." you say lowering your gaze for a moment "Now study though, I don't want to bother you."

He smiles at you and then returns to his concentration, you occasionally shake his hand or he shakes your hand, you exchange smiles; the afternoon passes in total simplicity and for you it is splendid like that, perhaps what you need is someone who makes you feel good about the little things.

Jack then takes a little break by going to a cafeteria not far from there, of course he invites you to eat with him and it's another nice moment: with him you get to talk about literature, about authors from contemporary literature, from the Romantic era, with him you even get to draw parallels with contemporary music and authors, in short you get to talk about topics that not everyone understands or is interested in.

"I may perhaps seem premature or perhaps cheeky," he says when he has finished studying for this afternoon and you are both lying on the lawn of the park not far from the library, "but I like you very much." your heart beats hard in your chest "I am perfectly fine with you and I hope it will be the same for you," he adds, intertwining his fingers with yours and bringing your hand close to his lips, he kisses it gently.

You blush visibly, but decide to say something so as not to leave that brief statement of his like that "I'm fine with you too." he smiles at you "Shall we have dinner together tomorrow?" you propose.

He nods, smiling at you.

When he drives you home, you are about to get out of the car, but he stops you by saying your name, you turn around, and he kisses you. He literally rushes against your face, it almost hurt that kiss, he's visibly sweaty and the kiss is salty, but other than that taste, you can't feel anything you hoped for. No heartbeat due to that falling in love that you've been extolling to your friends or telling Joel about and that held you back when you kissed him, no dizziness. Your heart beats yes, but painfully because you realize that maybe you were wrong. Big time.

"Sorry about the kiss." he tells you "I haven't kissed in a long time." he justifies himself.

You smile embarrassed "It's okay. Good night." you tell him as you get off and enter the building.

When you are in your room by now, you slip out of the dress Gina lent you and stow your boots in the shoe rack, slip into your pajamas and think back to the kiss you exchanged with Joel, how much you felt wanted and how much more importantly you wanted that kiss, then you think about the kiss Jack gave you and how you felt nothing. Maybe getting Jack to kiss you was a mistake, not the kiss given to Joel.

You get a message from Gina "So how did it go with Jack?"

"Good. I'll tell u later." you answer very coldly and then lock the phone and put it on charge, you don't feel like talking.

You stare at the ceiling for a long time, then finally fall asleep.

The next morning, you go to work. It's very early and very cold. Your boots produce a resounding shuffling along the still semi-deserted streets of the town. When you get a few yards away, you see Joel standing outside, waiting for the bar to open. That morning it's your turn to open, but he's not there for you because you never told him that you, Helen, Maxime and Sam take turns opening the bar.

When he sees you he lifts his gaze from the floor and his face almost lights up "Hello." he greets you.

That heartbeat, that familiar heartbeat you feel when you see him, begins again.

"Hi." you greet him "Have you been here long?"

"No, 'bout ten minutes. I thought it opened at six." he replies.

Actually, judging by the flushed face it would seem he has been there for at least half an hour, but you decide to ignore that white lie.

"I couldn't get up this morning." you confess to him "I'm sorry you froze." you add, as you slip the key into the deadbolt and then remove it; then, you open the shutter with a clatter "Come." you say with a wave of your hand "I'll turn on the boiler." you warn him, slipping off your jacket and walking to the small dressing room of you barmaids. So you turn on the boiler, which starts immediately with a small puff.

"Done." you say when you return to Joel who greets you with a big smile, "Sorry, but for your coffee you have to wait a while. The engines still need to warm up." you inform him jokingly and smile at him as well.

"No problem. I was anticipating on purpose." you look at him questioningly "By 7:30 I have to be at work." you nod, in the process making those almost automatic gestures "The truth is, I was anticipating on purpose to see you." you look at him "I wanted to know how you were and how it was going with your mother." he adds looking into your eyes.

You go around the counter and sit next to him on the stool, "I'm fine. I mean, we talked and it had never happened. Never. In twenty-nine years I've never felt so free, so understood." you reply, then look him in the eyes "Even though the first person who listened to me, who pushed me to open my eyes was you." you add taking his hands in an uncalculated gesture, in an affectionate gesture "Thank you."

"You're welcome, sweety, I didn't do anything special," he tells you, stroking the back of your hand with his calloused thumbs.

You look at his face for a few seconds then lower your gaze for a moment, "I need to tell you one more thing."

Joel tightens his grip on your hands just a little more and then looks at you with an almost icy gaze as if he has already guessed the subject.

"Jack kissed me," you tell him, biting your lower lip softly, "And he told me he liked me a lot."

Joel abruptly lets go of your hands as if he had caught the current and stands up, "Excuse me, but I'm not going to listen to this!" he blurts out, "I'm glad you're happy and that you're clear-headed 'bout it now." you see him nodding as if he's performing an inner struggle, he's about to say and do something, but then he reconsiders, "Now I have to go, um… I'll see you in a couple of days for class." having said that he quickly turns his back on you and leaves.

"And he ran away," you conclude, recounting what happened to your friends.

You are sitting in a small diner downtown at a small circular table with oak benches, and in front of each of you there's a different drink.

"He's obviously jealous, Daddy," says Gina.

"Daddy?! Where do you get off using that obscene nickname, Gina!" exclaims Helen "Well, he's obviously jealous, otherwise he wouldn't have run away." adds your friend.

Kristen twirls the ice cube in her Old - fashioned absently.

"I'm so confused." you add "Maybe I shouldn't have confided in him, maybe I made a mistake in trying to be his friend, in making him a sort of my confidant because he can't. Maybe I should cut it off," you say again.

"What if Jack is the wrong one? Have you thought about that?" interjects Helen "Why are you convinced that Jack is the one? You don't seem to have much transport for him, just look at the way you talk about him."

"Why how do I talk about him?" you ask.

"You talk about Jack as well as an acquaintance who's had a few cents stolen from him," Kristen finally interjects.

"And how do I talk about Joel instead?"

"When you talk about him you revive yourself, you put passion, involvement," Kristen replies again.

"But why don't you spend a night of unrestrained clarifying sex with him?" asks Gina fidgeting on the bench.

You snort, "I think you're the one who has to do it! Gina, Joel and I are nothing, I can't go over there and say, let's have sex, he'd laugh in my face and then he wouldn't want to see me again."

"Why don't you ask him if he can teach you some tricks to use with Jack?" asks Helen.

"But that's kinky!" exclaims Kristen "Poor Joel why should he teach her some sex moves to be with someone else?!"

"Let's keep it down, please," you remind them "You're talking about me and not a bag. Anyway, I agree with Kristen, I'm not going to go to him and tell me to use moves to seduce Jack, absolutely not. It would be monstrous to ask him that, I can't do that," you add, shaking your head.

You couldn't do that to him, it would be cruel! Maybe you could ask him what it would be like to be with a man, what you would have to do, but while you're thinking about that, you're also thinking you wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and make such a proposal.

You see Joel again the next day; he looks tired, but when he sees you his eyes and face obviously marked by fatigue give way to the joy of seeing you, though he tries not to let that happiness drag him down too much. You by now don't even pay attention to the heartbeat that accompanies you when you walk to his house or when you see him, then he offers you coffee, which by now you take.

You ask him about his work while sitting on one of the stools in his kitchen, he talks to you about what he has done and will have to do, he adds a lot of interludes like 'fuck' and 'shit' in his narrative that make you smile, but deep down you like that aspect of Joel too.

You talk most of the time that should instead be devoted to chords or sheet music, but you honestly don't care especially when you have Joel next to you holding your hand or stroking now your hair now your face causing you to shiver all over. The man then asks about your mother and how your relationship is progressing and you tell him she is getting close to a group of religious fervents, she meets in these reading groups, you are worried about her especially when she jumps like that on something she knows nothing about. He just nods and tells you to stay close to her and if you notice too strange attitudes, you should intervene with all your might even if it means making her hate you.

"I wonder what my life, her life, would have been like if my father had not left. I would like to understand what happened that was so bad that he left." you confide to him "Sometimes I wonder what our lives would have been like if he had been there." you add.

"Don't ask yourself these questions," he says, taking your face in his hands, "you only hurt yourself." you are so close again and your heart is beating so fast again, you are afraid he might hear it being so close to you. He has a strange light in his eyes, a light so different, you've never seen it before.

He clears his throat and then urges you, saying, "Let's go play, at least ten minutes."

He plays, you strum, trying to imitate him, but to no avail. Your mind is totally caught up in other thoughts, you feel strange, you can't explain what is happening to you, you have a feeling you've never felt before at the level of your lower abdomen, like something that wants to come out, you don't even know what it is, you just know that at some point you start fidgeting on the couch next to him and look away from him and his hands touching the guitar with delicate precision.

"Are you all right?" he asks you, probably noticing how you move beside him.

"Yes."

"You're all flushed, what's wrong?" he asks wrinkling his forehead.

"Nothing. Really." you reply, but the tone of your voice betrays you.

"What's the matter, baby?" he asks as he puts down his guitar and looks insistently into your face.

You realize it's time to leave, you're like afraid of what you're feeling.

"I have to go." you say splashing off his couch, you hurriedly grabbed your backpack and coat without wearing them and are about to reach the door, but Joel stops you by caging you against the door, your back is still to him, you don't know how to explain what is happening to you.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you want to run away from me now? What have I done to you?" he asks, laying his hands on your shoulders causing intense shivers down your spine. You feel his hands stroking up and down your arms, maybe he wants to reassure you, but it has the opposite effect.

"I would never hurt you, what's going on?" he asks again quietly, making you turn to face him.

"J - Joel… I - I - um, I don't know. It's--" you mumble with your head down.

"Talk to me." he insists calmly, laying a finger under your chin causing you to lift your head toward him.

"I don't know what's happening to me. The truth is, yes I'm dating Jack, but I can't see Jack the way I want to, I talk to him and yes we have things in common, but I can't feel what I want to." you confess to him.

He stares intensely into your eyes only heightening that almost uncomfortable feeling of yours "I'm sorry." he tells you "But why were you running away from me?"

"I don't know," you answer him, "You confuse me. The truth is what's being created between us is something big and it scares me." you confess to him again without being able to look him in the eye "I'm fine with you, but to a part of me that's not enough." you add again "And it scares me because I feel I can't control it."

When you decide to lift your eyes to his face, you find that same look again, that same light as before, you feel you miss your breath, "You don't have to be afraid, whatever it is." he tells you "Y' know, what I think?" you shake your head "I think you've been so used to being in control of every aspect of your life that now the slightest new thing upsets you. Y' know what I say? You have every right to try and fail, try again and fail again." he then says your name softly "You can't be in control of everything all the time. Let yourself go."

"Oh, Joel..." you say laying your hand on his "I'm afraid I'm getting it all wrong." you confess to him "As long as I'm involved and that's all...but I'm afraid I'm pulling too hard with..."

"With your John?" he asks taking a half step toward you and squeezing even tighter between him and the door.

"I can't risk losing everything. It's become too important in such a short time." you answer him without looking at his face, you are talking to yourself, but he doesn't know that. The correct answer would have been Joel, but a part of you still can't say it although his name is on the tip of your tongue.

"I asked you a question," he insists, "Is this about John?"

"Jack." you correct him.

He rolls his eyes in a spaced-out expression "So?"

"Joel, let me go." you make to turn your back on him again, but he places one hand on your hip and the other on the door handle and stops you.

"Who is upsetting you so much?" he whispers in your ear making your skin crawl "John or is i' me?" he asks you again tightening his grip just a little more.

"I won't have the courage to look at your face after that," you warn him, but at the same time you answer him. You swallow, closing your eyes, the truth perhaps being this: you are afraid of losing his friendship because of your total confusion.

"You can talk to me about it, I'm not like that little boy you like so much." he prods you "I'm not one to run away in the face of difficulties or in the face of even the most unpleasant words or deeds."

"Okay." you nod turning toward him, swallow and then you tell him making an effort to look him in the eye and sound firm in your words and the tone of voice you use "I can't see you as just my teacher, you have become more, you are more than a friend, I don't know however how to see you, how to define you, I just know that being with you confuses me, I'm fine, but at the same time I would like to run away because I'm afraid of doing or saying something stupid, inappropriate, of not knowing when it's time to do something and when not. I am afraid of losing this bond that has been created with you because of my total inexperience. I don't know what to do when you look at me like that, I don't know what to do..."

He pulls his hand away from the door handle and your side and wraps your face in his hands "Y' know very well I'd never do anything you don't want, I'd never force you into doing or saying what you don't feel. I don't expect anything. I don't care whether you are experienced or not. For me you are perfect just the way you are." he tells you looking into eyes you feel pinch "I don't demand that you choose me or want to be with me, but I want you to know I am there for you. As a friend, as a confidant, in whatever way you want. And I'll respect your choice. What matters is your happiness, not my wishes or hopes. There is your life in the way, you are so young and you have so many dreams to give, so many experiences to live. My life is a mess, but now the point is not my life as much as yours. So," he says wiping away two timid tears that had begun to line your face "I want you to choose what is best for you, whether it's John, whether it's me or whoever." he kisses your forehead "If you want to go, at least cover yourself first." he concludes by moving his hands away from your face, takes a step back and then returns to the living room.

If you were experienced, you'd have chased him down and kissed him with the whole ardor you possessed, but instead you find yourself putting on your coat, gloves, scarf and hat and walking away.

[drgngutz]

2 - Coast - Luffy x f!soulmate!reader

Chapter Two

Taglist: @mystic60 , @louisechec , @pinksh1t

(I took the liberty of tagging those who commented their interest on the first post, if you'd like to be removed in future postings, lmk!)

Here's the next part! I'm gonna try and zoom to post all the chapters I've made so far from wattpad to here.

Happy reading!

With an arm thrown across my eyes, I sighed deeply through my nose and listened to the ship creak as it rocked back and forth in the waves. I was hoping desperately that I wouldn't get seasick, having never actually been on a boat before, and the nerves probably weren't helping with the queasiness.

The cute little creature, Chopper, had condemned me to what was the women's quarters for the time being. He claimed I needed the rest, some time to adjust on my own after being thrown into the situation so suddenly. No wonder he was the ship's doctor; he was right. It took a long while, several hours in fact, before the shock finally wore off and I could somewhat come to terms with things. It was nearly sundown at this point.

To summarize, I wasn't home anymore and instead found myself in a world I am entirely unfamiliar with, which wasn't great. The positive was that I found Luffy, my soulmate; who was the Captain of his crew, who had expressed that they would help me get acclimated and I was free to stay with them and join the crew myself. A part of me wondered if the reason they were so friendly was because I was their Captain's soulmate; maybe, in truth, they were annoyed at the sudden strangers appearance but didn't have another choice but to accept her... Even if it did seem like Luffy didn't even want me in the first place.

I frowned, feeling the pit in my stomach drop deeper. Out of all the things I'd imagined I would feel when we met, being disappointed wasn't one of them.

Maybe I had just hyped it up for myself too much; held too many expectations. I mean, he did... technically call me cute, right? I felt my face warm at the memory, even if it was a brief one. The whiplash of emotions made my stomach twirl uncomfortably. 

Right. Trying not to get queasy - Don't think about that now.

Okay; So there were negatives, and there were positives, just like in every situation. Maybe I could just make the most out of the positives.

I kept repeating that like a mantra as I decidedly reached for the doorknob, trying to steel my nerves; hopefully I wouldn't be thrown around by the waves again, it was embarrassing enough the first time.

Creeping through the hammocks and trying to be careful to not trip over the floorboards, I found the same ladder that Chopper had led me down before, and began my ascension to the deck. The cool breeze caused a rush of goosebumps to flee down my back, much different from the heat from earlier; more refreshing, in a way. Taking a deep inhale of the fresh, salty air, I brought myself fully out onto the lower deck, looking for a familiar face. Robin and Nami were the quickest to notice me, and waved me over to them as they leaned over the white railing of the second deck. I obliged, keeping a wary eye out for a certain straw hat while I climbed the stairs.

"Hey, you're finally out!" Nami greeted me with a kind smile, and I felt my own smile reciprocate, though it felt a bit awkward.

"Are you feeling any better?" She continued.

"Yeah, a bit." I nodded, still feeling stiff and glancing between the two women who stared at me expectantly, realizing they wanted me to continue. 

"I-I think that maybe I just need some more time to adjust..." I gestured to the ocean and the boat around us, pausing to let my gaze linger distantly, before coming back to the real world. 

"A lot more time, actually. But, I got most of the thinking out of the way, at least. Come to terms with everything, I mean..." I finished. Robin hummed, affirming that she understood what I meant, and Nami nodded with a thoughtful, upturned look.

"Right, we didn't expect you to get used to things so quickly, anyways." The red head shrugged once she was finished with her inner debate, a bright grin flashing on her face.

"Still, you should let us know if we can help in any way! You're gonna' be one of us now, after all!" She seemed really excited about the idea, and my heart warmed a little at the thought; beginning to shrug away the earlier thoughts of them disliking me. Belonging somewhere was something I was always missing, and this group was seemingly welcoming me with open arms.

Only because you're their captain's soulmate.

I deflated a bit. Best not to get my hopes too high. It always ends the same way, anyways.

Speaking of the Captain, he came reeling around the corner on the lower deck with an energy that could only match that of the little ones back at the orphanage; he was closely followed by Usopp and Chopper, who looked pissed as he cackled and fled from them.

Watching their interaction, I couldn't help but watch Luffy like a hawk. He was cute, definitely. There was no doubt in my mind about that part, watching the apple of his cheek raise the crescent scar as his eyes crinkled, running circles around the sails post as the other two wildly gave chase. He just seemed like an all-around, fun person. Cheerful and bright. I wondered why I felt so opposite in that respect; gloomy and bland. Maybe that's why he didn't seem to like me at first? Was I too different?

"Don't be so down." Robin's smooth voice comforted me, matching my gaze with a knowing tease in her blue eyes, followed by a comforting grin. I sighed through my nose, shoulders drooping as I turned to glance at Nami who's smile I could see from the corner of my eyes. Nervous at the attention, I looked back at Luffy.

"...I guess I can't help it." I furrowed my eyebrows, feeling frustrated and confused. Robin nods, and Nami stays silent, choosing to listen before she could advise, I assumed. But, I didn't say anything after that. 

"I'm guessing where you come from soulmates are considered normalized, frequent even. I can see it on your face and in your reactions." I blinked in surprise, looking at her from the side, and she shot me another smile.

"Besides," I turned to listen to Nami's knowing tone, "Even if soulmates were common here, Luffy is a bit of an oddball. Try not to mind him too much." She finished, shaking her head with a huff. Something told me that she had put up with him being such an 'oddball' for a while now.

"...Are soulmates uncommon here?" I asked, albeit hesitantly, feeling like I already knew the answer anyway.

"Very." Said Nami.

"She's correct. Soulmates are known to only appear once every few years, and are more commonly found on highly populated islands," I listened intently, trying to wrap my head around how the world worked here.

"In fact, it's so rare that people don't often choose to dedicate themselves to look for their soulmates. Most commonly they just don't have the time or resources to do it. Many can go without finding their soulmates for their whole lives; but when they do, it's a very celebrated and special occasion, and the government even has a few laws implemented for soulmates." I listened intently as Robin recited the facts like she was reading straight out of a book, awed that she was so knowledgeable and fluent.

"However, I do agree that the Captain is an odd one." That last sentence was like a slap to the face, "You're definitely going to have your hands full with him!" She teased, laughing as Nami snickered in the background. 

"Oh," I uttered dumbly, finding myself trailing my disheartened gaze back to the boy as he taunted Chopper on being so short, "Um, okay. I'll take your word for it."

It's not like the two of them seemed wrong, anyway. He was behaving very strangely... and it still bothered me that he wasn't as attentive to me as I was to him, so far. He hadn't even noticed that I had been staring at him for the majority of this little chat. 

"What about you?" Nami said, tilting her head curiously, "Where you came from, I mean. I'm curious how soulmates work there." 

I tilted my head back at her, pursing my lips before looking back over the ledge and wondering where would be best to start. 

"Back where I come from," I finally began, in order to ease the growing silence, "Practically everyone has a soulmate; it's hard to find somebody without one."

I paused before continuing, turning to gauge their reactions. They were both still listening with a neutral gaze, blinking ardently for me to continue.

"The people born without one are labeled unlucky, and those who do have soulmates have varying methods of finding them. Names, initials, first words, a red string, a patch of their soulmates favorite color on their skin, timers, writing on the skin, same tattoos--" I cut myself off, realizing I was rambling as Nami laughed and told me to 'slow down a second, will ya?' Turning pink, I apologized and continued. 

"Y-You get the picture. There were a lot of people with soulmates, and a lot of ways to find them. For me, I did everything I could to find mine; searched the internet, attended conventions, you name it. Nobody had something that matched me..." They looked at me quizzically from some of the things I said, and I had to wonder if they had the internet in this world. I hadn't seen a single phone anywhere. 

"Almost everyone I knew had already found their soulmates, and, I guess I got desperate to have someone like that. The pressure was really high for me, since I was already over the average age where people met their soulmate and... I just... thought that maybe he would be a little more excited to see me." I ended softly, picking at the white paint with my fingernails as I watched Luffy flick Chopper in the forehead, who launched at the boy in retaliation. Usopp was shouting for Chopper to win the scuffle in the background. 

Both Robin and Nami were still looking at me, I could see them from the corner of my eye; but I felt instant regret, not wanting to look back at them and see any pity on their faces. I hadn't meant to make them feel bad, but I guess I shouldn't have told them so much if I didn't want  pity.

I didn't know it at the time, but the both of them had a moment of understanding with each other in our shared silence. Not one of pity, but of hilarity. Slowly, Nami started laughing, and Robin grinned.

"Is that what you're so worried about?" The red head giggled, and I turned in disbelief, a little upset that they were laughing at me; I didn't get to put in my two cents, she was interrupting me before I could speak. 

"Um, yeah he's excited to see you?" She stated like I was crazy, "He nearly busted down the door to our room after Chopper told him he couldn't go in, you dummy!" Nami hadn't stopped laughing, still cheery in her words.

"That's correct. Didn't you see him peeking through the window? He was trying for around an hour before he finally gave up." Robin agreed wholeheartedly, and I felt elated. Not too much though, I don't want to get my hopes up.

"So... He might actually like me?"

Nami wheezed out another laugh, and Robin shook her head fondly. For some reason, it felt like I was so familiar with these people already. We were chatting like a couple of siblings; the two older trying to teach the younger.

"Of course he likes you! That much is obvious, come on." The redhead's words had me blushing a light pink, huffing through my lips and turning to face the boy again for some sort of distraction.

To my shock, he was already looking at me. His facial expression matched my own; looking as if he had stopped dead in the games he was playing, mouth hung open with widened eyes as he blinked in confusion. We held eye contact for a moment, and I watched him trail his eyes over my face just slightly, before they snapped back to my own. The minor movement sent a trail of pleasant shivers up my spine; such a small action had such a big impact, now. 

When the moment caught up to him, a wild grin popped onto his face.

The sound of rubber interrupts the otherwise simmering moment as he whips his arms forward and attaches them to the handrail before me. Backing up, I can only intercept a small 'what' in response to seeing his arms stretch so far, confusion and horror overtaking whatever else I was feeling in the moment before. I heard Nami snicker as the two girls walked away, and I wanted to curse at her for not warning me of whatever this was. Although... maybe they had.

When he finally pulled himself up to the second level, he had landed crouched with his feet on the railing like a monkey (fitting, for his name), and leaned in close to me. My breath stuttered at the feeling of his breath on my cheeks, head tilted up to look at him in his position. 

"Hey! You left the room!" He giggled excitedly, "You feel better, right? That means we can talk now!"

"U-Um. Hi." I stuttered out stupidly, suddenly feeling shy against his sparkling personality as my face flushes pink once again.

"Hi!" He mimics, coming down from the railing, now standing and having to look down at me from his taller height. I hadn't noticed that before. The fact made my stomach buzz, for some reason.

"Oh, uh. I feel a little better. S-So, we can talk, yeah."

"Awesome!" He puts his hands on his hips, grinning triumphantly, "My brother told me that when I met my soulmate we should talk, and do some other stuff, too; I can't remember what it was, though. What should we talk about?"

I was still buffering from the previous event of seeing his body being warped like it was; that, combined with his sudden closeness, seemed to make me short circuit and I said the first thought that popped into my head.

"You... Y-You're... Stretchy?" The confusion was obvious in my reluctance to ask the question, trying not to sound dumb in front of my soulmate, but not sure how else to get an answer for something like that. At this point, I was accepting everything and anything under the sun in this place after being teleported here. He was... certainly an oddball, in the wise Robin's words. Could people normally move like that here?

"Well, yeah. I'm a rubber man." He answered like it was the simplest, most known thing in the world. Like it was weird for me to ask in the first place, which I was trying to avoid. 

"...Oh." I bit my lip, looking away from him for a second, before trying to find a proper answer.

"How... Does it work?" Shuffling my feet so I could create some space between the two of us, finding it hard to look him in the eyes, "I don't understand what you mean, sorry."

"You're really weird!" He laughs so hard, like I had said the funniest joke in the world, and my face is probably the color of a beet from the embarrassment. He thinks I'm weird.

"I ate a devil-fruit, the Gum-Gum fruit!"

"D-Devil fruit?" I begin to feel myself deflate, but try to stay positive as I want the heat to leave my face, "What's a devil fruit?"

He cocks his head with his eyebrows furrowed, no longer smiling. It's a little intimidating, and I shrink back into myself on instinct. I'm not sure if he picks up on it but he crosses his arms.

"You don't know what a devil fruit is?" He asks, a bit judgmentally. Or at least, that's how it sounds to me. 

"U-Um, no. I'm sorry. I don't think I've ever heard of it before." I shake my head, a little too desperately maybe, and he frowns harder. 

"That's weird. Where are you from, anyways?" His brows furrow, and he crinkles his nose with a thinking face. A genuine question, probably, but I couldn't help but feel he was disapproving of me or something. Maybe he was hoping I would have one of these 'devil fruit' things, and I definitely didn't have one. 

It was at this point I just wanted to run away from him, go back to the girls room, and lay in bed until I passed out. If I could even sleep after this. I had forgotten momentarily that he hadn't listened to a word about how I got here in the first place, and simultaneously reminded that he also probably didn't care much about it either.

Before I can say anything else, feeling myself gape like a fish as the words won't form properly, he comes closer and grabs the hand that I was subconsciously fiddling with in my nervousness. In reflex, I snap my hand back to myself and take a step back, feeling the warmth that emanated from his hand disappear as soon as it was there. 

He blinks, as if surprised at my actions, before speaking.

"Why'd you pull away?" A beat of silence when I can't respond, frozen by my own reaction, "You don't look like a pirate or a marine, you're too small and skinny. You don't have any scars or tattoos or anything."

He closes his eyes, seemingly thinking to himself; it sounded like he was pointing out all of my flaws, for some reason. What was this? Was he trying to be mean? Saying that I wasn't good enough? I wanted to throw up.

"N-No, I'm sorry, I'm not any of those. I was a student before I came here." He perks up with a surprised grunt at my words, and I have to lean back as he gets close again, feeling my stomach flutter at the devious smile laid on his face.

"School? You must be rich, then!" Shaking my head at the words, I quickly wave my hands in front of me to deny his claim so he doesn't get the wrong idea. 

"N-No, I'm not. Everyone goes to school where I'm from." The disappointment on his face probably reflects in my own, and he stands up straight again. Shit, I should've just lied and said I was rich. He wouldn't have known either way, right? 

"Aw, man. That's weird. Everyone I know who goes to school is rich." Silence ensues. 

Weird. The word is bumping around in my head like the DVD screen. I make a last ditch effort to change the subject and maybe find some semblance of relief for myself in this conversation. 

"So... You're a pirate, right?" I twist my fingers, looking up at him from under my lashes, too scared to give him my full attention.

"You bet!" He exclaims, leaning back down toward me after meeting my gaze, and I can't find a way out this time when I feel my back brush against the wall behind me. Now, I'm beginning to get flustered all over again. 

Damn this whirlwind of a conversation.

"I'm the Captain of the crew, the Straw Hat Pirates, and the Going Merry! That's our boat." He chuckles, before tilting his head endearingly, scanning my face again as if he's searching for something. I feel my heart stop, the pitch black coals feel like they're searing into my skin. The seconds are drawn into minutes, analyzing every part of those pretty obsidian hues. 

And those pretty hues are looking at me; analyzing me, too.

"And when I find The One Piece, I'm gonna be the The King of the Pirates!" He's leaning back, nose upturned in what seems like satisfaction, and I let the breath I was holding out of my nose in relief. Then, he's pointing at me.

"I guess that means you're gonna' be The Queen of the Pirates, right?"

I feel my face burning for the umpteenth time since the start of this five minute conversation, not sure where to look as the grin on his face grows to an exuberant smile, and I panic and stutter.

"I knew it. You do like me!" He cackles. 

Chapter Three

[msmargaretmurry]

I'm so sorry, this is totally not in response to the compliment post you reblogged (I'm afraid I can only compliment you un-ominously, you are my favourite author in the mattdrai fandom and ily ❤️)

but I've been meaning to send you this ask for the last two days and I can't wait any longer, I HAVE to know!! I know you're a busy person - so feel free to ignore this or answer it when you have time or keep your response really short!

So. I'm doing my quarterly HAW reread right now and I have two new questions that I think (?) I never asked you before.

during the scene in the dressing room of the gym, what are leon's thoughts? matthew is obviously a little ... affected by unexpected physical contact but I'm wondering about leon. is he only thinking "what a weirdo" or if he's taken aback by his own reaction too? what is going through his mind? please tell meeeeee!

when is the first time leon puts on matthew's shirt at home and in what context? does he already have feelings for Matthew? what is he thinking when he does it? when is the first time he wears it in front of his teammates and do they call him out on his non-existent connection to st. louis? I need more details about this soooo badly.

THANK YOU!

my dear miriam, i am always accepting non-ominous compliments 😂❤ thank you, ily. please find the answers to your inquiries under the cut.

1) the scene in the dressing room at the gym — both of them are such messes in this scene, lmao. matthew is being a dick because he's in a mood, and leon is confused and annoyed and also coming off as a dick, especially as seen through matthew's pov, who is just assuming the worst of leon's opinion of him at every turn and reading every hint of brusqueness or sarcasm as plain old dislike.

leading up to this scene, leon's been in toronto for a few days. he's mostly having a pretty good time, hanging out with connor, seeing some of the other guys, etc. connor keeps ribbing him that he should talk to matthew; leon keeps rolling his eyes and saying he's not interested anymore, which isn't NOT true, but mostly the thing is that matthew has never shown any real interest in leon, which has wounded leon's pride and therefore he has decided he's not interested anymore. (connor doesn't 100% believe him when he says he's not interested anymore, but mostly he just doesn't care if leon is lying or not because it's fun to tease him.)

anyway on this particular day he's partly kind of in a bad mood because his ankle is bothering him, and partly kind of in a bad mood because he feels a little like he's being made fun of, between matthew's instagram antics and how brady keeps coming to talk to him and connor. he's feeling a little paranoid that maybe someone overheard one of connor's teasing comments and told the tkachuks about it and now matthew thinks leon actively has a thing for him. which, even if he did, connor has earned the right to tease leon about stuff like that. matthew has not. and connor has always said matthew's a nice enough guy off the ice but he's been kind of standoffish the whole time leon's been here, and leon isn't going to automatically take it personally like SOME people, but it is making him wary!

so he sees matthew head into the locker room and is maybe staring after him a little obviously, and connor is teasing him like, hey, seems like a great chance to go talk to him, and leon is in just a grumpy enough mood to be like, fine, i'll go talk to him, and it's going to go badly, and then you can get off my back about it, right? and he stalks over there trying the whole way to think of something normal to say, but it does not work, so he gets into the locker room and just kind of blurts the first thing in his head, and the conversation stumbles and faceplants from there.

the thing is, if they'd had this conversation on a different day, when leon was in a better mood and matthew was maybe a little less in his own head, it probably would have gone much better. maybe leon would even have tried flirting a little (or a lot). as it is, even with the collective moodiness of both of them, he still has the urge to flirt a little — which is SO annoying, because of course connor is right and he's still interested. extremely annoying thing to have to admit to yourself when the guy in question is standing there outwardly being a dick to you. it makes him determined to not let matthew wind him up, which of course gets him more wound up, which is how he ends up grabbing matthew by the wrist. there is definitely a moment when they're standing there like that where he has this flash of a vision in his head like: what if this sexual tension is mutual, and he kisses matthew right now, hard enough to bruise, and they just have wild nasty sex right there in the locker room.

but obviously this does not happen 😂 he wouldn't have tried it even if connor hadn't come in, he still would have just gone home annoyed about the fact that he is apparently definitely still into matthew tkachuk, even when matthew is being a dick. (this encounter is also a big part of why he's so wary and put-upon when he runs into matthew at boots, lol.)

so that is that!!

2) leon and matthew's shirt from boots — so obviously leon wears it for the rest of that night at the festival, and then shoves it in his bag with his other dirty clothes, washes it when he gets home, kind of ignores it for the rest of the summer because he feels very weird about how things went down in that rv, but does grab it when he packs for edmonton just in case matthew wants it back at some point. because he has already decided he needs to talk to matthew, so if matthew wants the shirt back, he wants to have it on hand.

he doesn't actually start wearing it until after the first time matthew comes over to his house, because at that point he figures if matthew wanted it back he'd've asked for it. his matthew feelings aren't super strong at that point but they are like — they're there, he's not in denial about that. it's not a big moment or anything, he's just grabbing something to change into to bum around the house for the rest of the evening, and it's there, and he's like… sure, i could wear this.

he does not expect to get in his feelings about it, but as he's lying around with bowie that night he does get a little in his feelings about it, because he keeps thinking maybe he'll send matthew a selfie of him wearing it and then chickening out. he's weirdly nervous about it! and that forces him to think about why he's nervous, which forces him to acknowledge that he doesn't just have feelings, he's actually pretty invested in what they're doing, and he'd be really bummed out if matthew wasn't also invested. "selfie in your clothes" feels like real relationship behavior, so maybe he'll just save that for when he's a little more sure that matthew is on the same page as he is.

the first time he wears it in front of his non-connor teammates is when the oilers take a roadtrip to st. louis 😂 they chirp him about being a tourist. but after that he can wear it whenever he wants! everyone thinks he just bought it in st. louis!

i hope these were satisfactory answers to your questions!! i'm glad you're still enjoying the fic ❤❤

[rindragon-from-twewy]

Lol ok so I've had the mdarc dlcs for a while but I've only just now found the time/motivation to play them. I binged them all in one go and ig I just wanna talk about my opinions on each one a bit (I have nobody irl to talk to about it so I figured posting is a good enough substitute lol) It's a long read tho so buckle up!

Spoilers for all of them below the cut. And feel free to comment/rebog with your own opinions too cuz I wanna hear now that I know the full context for them all!!! <3

Desuhiko's; Someone take this man to rehab for recovering cringefails, he needs help. While I love him, having him in the protag position honestly made my skin crawl a little. He's built to only be a funny side character imo. Enyne's obviously a lesbian and also my girlfriend now I'll have you know- that's why she rejected the proposal cuz she's already married to meeeee! /j ... But also I'm just a sucker for the detective x thief trope and for that reason I can't pretend that Desuhiko was completely dumb for proposing like that- you'll find a girl (or guy) who's into cringefail losers eventually my dude. Honestly if I had to change one thing about it (besides the constant second hand embarrassment enducing dialog-) would've been cool to see him interacting with the phantom thief before his elaborate plan to catch them started. But that could just be my oumasai brainrot talking.

Fubuki's; BABY GIRL BABBYYYYY!!!! Why didn't she get much focus??? Halara and Desuhiko did basically everything- they stole her spotlight :(! She totally could've figured it all out on her own if she'd found the dice herself, I'm sure!!! She didn't need anyone reminding her of her own powers nor did she need Desuhiko to accompany her to see the fortune teller! She's not an idiot, the others just don't give her a proper chance to prove it! It was an interesting mystery though. I loved seeing the trio interacting more without Yuma around. I'm guessing all bar the Yakou dlcs take place before Yuma's arrival? Slay. Also, also the fact that she took an interest in card games afterwards??? And she's so good at them that she doesn't need her forte to win?! She's so precious! I need to give her a hug! TwT

Halara's; This case what honestly easier to solve then chapter 3's but also... damn I can't believe Halara kicked Kinger from The Amazing Digital Circus in the face like that. I can't tell if he was referring to Halara or his fiance when he said "I can kill the woman anytime" but I feel like Halara kicked him extra hard for misgendering and/or demeaning his own fiance like that, depending on which it actually was. Either way it was hot as fuck. (Yeah I've been a Halara simp this whole time, now that's a lore reveal!) I loved how Halara agreed to the job even thought they knew they couldn't accept the "we can keep a cat here" payment- it means that Yakou probably found out about their affections towards cats before Yuma did! That's cute- to think they think they're so on the down low about it but it's just so obvious! I wish the culprit wasn't so obvious but oh well- these cases aren't meant to be difficult after all!

Vivia's: EMOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SEND HIM TO EMO JAIIIILLLLL!!!! DERPESSED EMOOOOOO BASTAAAAAARD!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3 Still though- this doesn't change my mind about being neutral about the Vivia/Yakou ship. I tolerate it, live in harmony with it... I just don't see their dynamic as inherently romantic? But I get where the shippers are coming from now at the very least. I could maybe see them as queer-platonic? But that's all besides the point ig... Ryo's also much sweeter then I thought she'd be. It's interesting to think that Vivia can always see and hear ghosts. Creates a sort of chicken and egg situation. What came first? His Spectral Projection or his ability to see ghosts. Kinda reminds me of this British drama series called Ghosts - the protag has a near death experience and can see the ghosts haunting her house from then on - so I wonder if something similar happened to Vivia to trigger all this in him. Still... nice to hear a character saying that they rely on protagonists of stories they like to get enjoyment. I think a lot of people can relate to that... :>

Yakou's: ... :,( ... Why would you do that to me? Why??? It was so sad!!! Also they just photoshopped his sprite to have a green coat and no glasses that's so funny to me- Also also his wife's thiccc- 10/10 would also murder for her also tbh. Ok but in all seriousness- why couldn't they name drop her??? I feel so awkward having to give her a made up name in my own au cuz it's like what if they do eventually drop it in the future??? Like come on people, most of the other dlcs had named characters (minus Fubuki's)!!! I adore how Yakou's flashbacks were for other dlcs tho- like that's so fucking adorable. Someone really aught to move the zombies to better living conditions though- like I'm sure they could find somewhere that isn't dilapidated so they could be more comfortable. The zombies obviously have some level of consciousness remaining and I'm sure they'd all appreciate it :(!

[writingquestionsanswered]

ADHD & Starting a New WIP

Anonymous asked: i've been using chatgpt to avoid clogging your inbox, but it wasn't much helpful since it sent me in loops. I remember you writing about having ADHD which is why I felt you were qualified to answer this.

Please never worry about clogging my inbox... I'll get to everything in time. ♥ And yes, I do have ADHD, so here goes...

I have a problem that is more relevant to my autism/adhd: choice paralysis and indecisiveness. It is impacting my writing too much. No matter what advice I read, nothing is helping. I can't come up with/decide on a plot. I don't have a "feeling" like I used to anymore to just go with something. My brain HAS to explore EVERY option before deciding. There's just too much power in creating a story, and I don't think I can handle it. Do you have any tips to handle this indecisiveness and just actually do something? Do you mind sharing your own process when you start a brand new WIP and the only characterisation you have is "This is John, he wants to be a writer" and nothing else?

[Ask was edited for length...]

Dealing with Indecisiveness and Competing Ideas

Step 1 - Get Everything Out - Start with a brainstorming session and get all the ideas out on paper. All of those "explore every option" ideas... write them all down. Write down ideas until you can't think of anything else to write.

Step 2 - Take Stock - Next, count up all your ideas and organize them if need be... for example, if some of the ideas are related to character but others are related to setting, group them into their specific groups. Then, count up how many ideas you have in each group. Like, 17 character ideas, 10 world ideas, 4 plot ideas.

Step 3 - Eliminate by Half - I find it very helpful to eliminate my ideas by half just as a disciplinary means of keeping things in check. So, I would need to eliminate 7 or 8 character ideas, 5 world ideas, and 2 plot ideas. This is hard but it has to be hard. The point is to force yourself to not overthink it. Set a timer for a minute if you have to and say that you have to circle 8 character ideas before the timer goes off. Any ideas that aren't circled by the time the buzzer goes off will not be considered. Again, it's harsh, but for me it works.

Step 4 - Save the Ideas You Eliminate - This is KEY. Having a notebook or document where you save discarded ideas makes it easier to eliminate them because you don't feel like you're throwing them out. You're just saving them for later to be recycled for future projects.

Step 5 - Play Around a Bit - Look at your remaining ideas... let's say the 8 character ideas... is there anything you can discard right off the top? Are there any ideas that thrill you more than the others? Can any ideas be combined somehow? Can any of these ideas easily be fleshed out a little further?

Step 6 - Eliminate by Half Again and Again- The idea above is to try to condense things by combining ideas and/or seeing which ideas speak to you and which really don't. Take those 8 character ideas and narrow them down to 4. Set the timer again if you have to. Then, do it again until you have only two ideas.

Step 7 - Look at Pros/Cons - Now it comes down to picking between two ideas. Do a pro/con list for each. Does one idea thrill you more? Is one idea more fleshed out? Does one idea require more research? Does one idea feel too close to a previous story? Once you have a pro/con list for each idea, you can see which idea is probably better. And, once again, the idea that isn't used goes into the document to be saved for later.

Starting a Brand New WIP with ADHD

My process is always a little bit different, but I do usually start with a brainstorming session where I just write down all the random ideas I have. From there, I narrow things down (using the above method) to just the ideas I want to move forward with, then I usually free write a general summary of the story as I see it playing out in that moment. Depending on the idea, this can be just a couple vague paragraphs or it can be pages of detailed events. Either way, having some idea of the beginning to end story is important. Once I know the needs of the story, I can start to think more about the characters and their needs based on the story. This is where it's pretty essential to understand things like Plot Driven vs Character Driven Stories, Understanding Goals and Conflict, Basic Story Structure, and How to Move a Story Forward. The more I know about the needs of my story (the story conflict, my character's goal, who or what stands against them, etc.) the easier it is to flesh out the story. I'm a planner, so from there I will usually draw out a general timeline and a scene list, but some writers may find it easier to just start writing from here.

Three of the biggest game changers for me--which honestly I still struggle with sometimes--are:

-- Setting up a routine: having a specific time, place, and duration to write. Even if it's sitting on my bed for ten minutes in the morning to write. Just having something set makes a difference.

-- Eliminating Distractions: no phone, no TV, no music with lyrics, no internet, nothing that will draw my attention away from writing.

-- Good Vibes Only: I'm not a fan of toxic positivity, but negativity and self-criticism will surely take the wind out of your writing sails. I try to give myself small, reachable goals, but if I don't reach them or don't feel like writing on a given day, I don't beat myself up about it. Instead, I try to find something fun to do that's related to my story, like saving pictures for a mood board or auditioning songs for a playlist. That positive reinforcement (and sense of accomplishment for moving the needle forward in some way) keeps writing from becoming something I dread, and that positivity will hopefully follow me into the next day and help me to write.

I hope that helps!!! ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

Learn more about WQA

See my ask policies

Visit my Master List of Top Posts

Go to ko-fi.com/wqa to buy me coffee or see my commissions

[giyrut-girlie]

(queer) jews in my phone i need help/love

this is a long ass post im so sorry lmfao, im putting it in under the cut to save you all but also if people have head space pls read <3

on friday night, i found myself the last of the shabbat guests (who weren't staying the night) at the Rabbi's house. i had asked my housemate to pick me up at 10:30, but everyone else left before 10.

the kids and rabbi's wife had gone to bed, so it was me, the Rabbi, and two older frum guys who stay over shabbat most weeks to be closer to shul.

for some context, earlier in the evening one of these guys had asked another dinner guest (a med student who I'm good friends with, she's a year or two younger than me) whether trans issues came up in her study. the two of us youngins made brief "help me" eye contact and she answered saying that yes, they did cover trans issues given that as a doctor she will, at some point or another, treat trans patients. the subject was changed, but the room was a bit tense.

so: 10pm, i'm sitting at the table, a little tipsy from all the wine, just hanging out until my ride comes.

the rabbi says "hey ella, i have a question for you now that everyone else (by which he means the not-so-frum people) is gone." and i Just Knew what he was about to ask.

i won't go into extreme detail about the actual conversation, but to sum it up: I was asked my opinion on trans folk, i said that i am supportive and do in fact believe trans people about their identities and was Shut All The Way Down. if i cited statistics i was told that actually they'd seen the opposite, if i tried to explain a study i was familiar with, i was told that they didn't think that was true. i actually don't know how i stayed calm, bc my mind and body were telling me that i was Unsafe basically the entire time (thanks anxiety disorder really did me a solid there /s).

eventually 10:30 rolled around and i had a get out of jail free to skip the rest of that fuck awful conversation, and my housemate was very nice to listen to my debriefing. while talking to her i came to the realisation that one of the main factors in the disagreement was that the rabbi didn't actually value the wisdom of any cultures/teachings/histories outside of judaism. if I talked about sistergirls of the torres strait, or māhū of hawai'i, that was dismissed essentially as goyische nonsense.

this whole conversation has been a Fucking Downer for my mental health. i actually broke shabbat (beyond my usual one melacha to be in the clear and sneaky housemate taxi service) that night bc my thoughts were racing too much to sleep without putting on some comfort media.

but beyond the mental health stuff (though probably actually very related) i've found myself really struggling with judaism since friday night. having my rabbi, who has been helping me through conversion, and who i have really valued as a teacher, and the only two other frum people in the community be so overtly transphobic all at once has really taken me for a spin. like, my rabbi is a lubavitcher, i knew that he was going to be fairly conservative about some stuff, but he literally told me that he only uses the correct pronouns for one of our community members as a "personal favour", and essentially told me that she was good evidence against trans acceptance bc nothing she could ever do would ever make her not a man (and you better believe this involved a lot of comments about her appearance)

to put the icing on the cake, when i dropped off his kids today (i nanny for them once a week), he handed me a book that upon research is basically the jk rowling talking point bible. he said to me that it was a really good book for me to read and that it might help fight some of the "mob mentality" (interesting term for scientific consensus but okay)

(also i had actually looked up my own citations from the discussion later and found myself to be very much correct in my recitation of statistics, but you better believe i wasn't petty enough to forward them on)

ANYWAY if anyone is still reading i'm fucking bummed and super anxious about interacting with my community, my conversion, finding the balance between really truly wanting to pursue an orthodox lifestyle and also being queer myself etc etc

i live in a really small jewish community and can't really leave until i finish my degree in 2026, so i can't exactly just find a more accepting rabbi or shul.

anyone have any advice, or just some solidarity for feeling shitty in this space? love u jews in my phone xx

[muninnhuginn]

just generally musing to myself what makes thematic and plot sense for the link clink ending after reading some other people's takes the past few days. no real conclusions here, just some thoughts tied together with a string.

I've seen arguments that what needs to happen is that Lu Guang needs to accept Cheng Xiaoshi's fate and move on without regrets. This idea that the past has to remain as-is and you have to move on is a thread that the show has played with quite a few times. It's written into the very rules underlying the dives. The most obvious instance being the earthquake arc, where Cheng Xiaoshi was unable to save Chen Xiao's mum, but he *was* able to deliver the messages and thereby help CX gain closure. It's laid out by Lu Guang that it *was* worth it to deliver the words, and Cheng Xiaoshi takes this conclusion with him when he confronts Emma. (Of course, the fact this lesson was given by *Lu Guang* casts a different shade over the whole affair. I don't think it can be entirely discarded, given LG even admits he's going against his own rules, but it reads more like something he's trying and failing to convince himself of.)

So, the past has to stay as it is. We see a few different approaches to this idea in s2 - of people refusing to move on and trying to change the past. Qian Jin wants to force his wife "not to cheat"; he wants to alter her behaviour because she didn't act as he wanted. Li Tianchen wanted to change how *he* acted back then, even if indirectly, because he sees himself as his mother's killer, and thinks this is the point at which his tragedy was locked into place. They both thought their 'tragedies' were down to a single event. It's not that simple.

Lu Guang wants to personally protect Cheng Xiaoshi by controlling all scenarios. Not exactly taking his will, but limiting his choices. There's probably a whole post to be made on how QJ/LTC/LG each approach the agency of the ones they want to protect, but that's not for now.

Anyway, Li Tianchen as the foil to Lu Guang. At the end of s2, he has in theory let go of Li Tianxi but in practice he's just burying himself deeper by following Liu Xiao. Trying to entirely shun the past so he can believe that he still has some element of control. Both LTC and LG are at the extreme ends of clinging on vs letting go and that means the correct answer has to lie somewhere in the middle. Not shunning the past, but accepting it, and using that resolve to move forward.

So, Liu Xiao. We don't have much on him but what we do have is his belief that uncertainties should become certainties. He's deterministic and set explicitly as the counter to Lu Guang, whose own aim is to change events rather than lock them into place. They both want to *control* all aspects, but for differing reasons. In fate vs free will, it makes sense that our protagonist is on the side of free will, but it's interesting that he's presented himself so much as the opposite previously. He and CXS haven't exactly switched places, but to the audience, they've definitely taken on traits of the other.

Liu Xiao's whole spiel about how all options will eventually lead to the same outcomes, with him set *against* Lu Guang, very much seems like it's a setup for a "defeat fate" type plotline though. It's hammered in that there is no escape, no other option. Are we expected to accept this? It doesn't seem so. It's something I'm struggling to reconcile somewhat with the earlier messages about accepting the past, but maybe that's not quite it. Maybe it's about control vs freedom?

Trust fall. Every dive with LG and CXS is an act of mutual trust where they need to act in tandem. Dives go astray when one party acts without the other. For CXS, this is about him acting against LG's instructions (texting Emma's parents, staying in the earthquake dive). For LG, this is about him withholding info because he doesn't trust how CXS will react.

Lu Guang needs to put his trust in CXS before his withholding of information creates an unresolvable rift. He needs to stop trying to control CXS in order to keep him safe. We saw how that spun out for Li Tianchen and Li Tianxi. LG needs to put the choice into Cheng Xiaoshi's hands and let him decide his own fate. It reminds me of how Cheng Xiaoshi laid everything out for Emma and let her decide whether to live. It was only outside interference that prevented her, but she did make the choice to survive. And she did it by remembering those small moments. By accepting that tragedy happens but there are still people that make it worth it.

For LG and CXS, they need to mutually trust each other and that's how they'll find their way through.

[merakiui]

OK, that Azul/Riddle body swap idea. Are you a genius? That's the best idea I've heard all week. I hope you actually write that because I would love love love to read it.

It's such a fun concept! The amount of (un)friendly fire that could take place... So many fun scenarios can unfold:

✧ floyd tackling riddle (who is azul) and wanting to play, while "riddle" scolds him and tells him to get back to his shift at the lounge, otherwise his pay is getting cut. and floyd is like ???????????????

✧ azul (who is riddle) trying to go back to heartslabyul for some much-needed rest, only to be stopped by cater who prevents him from going any further because this is riddle's room he's standing in front of and riddle's currently out doing queen-knows-what. and "azul" is like "cater, you literal fool, i am riddle!" and cater just awkwardly holds his phone up to record "azul" who turns red with anger.

✧ jade who figures out what's going on rather quickly, but since this is so much fun he wants to play along. he'll stand beside "azul" and smile wickedly while the both of them watch you go about your shift. (the minute he asked "azul" what their sales were from the previous night and "azul" couldn't give him the exact number, which he always does, is when he knew something was wrong.) "you seem to be especially fond of (name) today. i wonder if something good has happened..." and "azul's" head snaps over so fast and "azul" says, "what do you mean? define 'fond.' how fond is he—am i?" and jade's over the moon with delight because riddle's played right into his hands.

✧ or trey who comes to "riddle" with a new recipe and tells him: "i think i found the recipe (name) mentioned at the last unbirthday party. if you want, i can teach you how to make it so that you can gift them the dessert come the next party." and "riddle" nervously laughs and is like "a gift? what for? is it (name)'s birthday?" and trey is confused for a moment before adding, "i was under the impression you liked them? did something happen?" and internally azul is like, that red cheat! he was trying to win (name)'s affections with sweets!

✧ now that they both know where the other's heart lies, the competition begins. knowing azul, he probably casts the first move and riddle follows suit. normally, riddle wouldn't act so impolite, but when it comes to the game of love... he's playing to win, especially since he's up against that two-faced azul!

✧ "riddle" is suddenly much more of a smooth-talker. he invades your personal space, he teases you with this proximity, and he's practically stuck to you for the entire day. if that doesn't annoy you, he'll try harder. he'll force himself into ramshackle to stay with you, being so bold as to want to sleep in the same bed as you. grim is beyond confused and a little nervous. is the red tyrant up to something? why is he suddenly so touchy-feely with his hench-human? "riddle" also trauma dumps in hopes that that'll make actual riddle seem less likable. it backfires if you console him. "riddle" also tells you of all of the wonderful, super cool things azul did when they were first years and shares embarrassing moments that riddle did during their first year. "riddle" tells you that he actually really hates all of your favorite things and hobbies and casually jokes that he couldn't possibly see the two of you staying friends (or more) after graduation.

✧ "azul" is suddenly much clumsier and impolite. in fact, he's really rude and impossible to stand. who knew acting like this in someone else's body could actually reduce riddle's stress? since he doesn't have to worry about heartslabyul's reputation or his own, he's free to toy with azul's fate in whichever way he pleases. "azul" no longer masks any of his backhanded compliments. now they're just insults. riddle does feel bad about being cruel to you, but this is for your own good. you have to see that azul is a poor match for you. "azul" is also very, very self-deprecating—more so than usual. all riddle does is take azul's worst traits and make them even more unbearable. he does a surprisingly good job of it. now you're left with a mannerless, disrespectful, mean azul who compares himself to everyone with a pulse and looks down on his own achievements. "azul" also makes it quite clear that "anyone (read: riddle) would be better than him."

✧ and when they're standing side by side, they are digging each other's graves. when you aren't looking, they're elbowing each other and glaring and hissing out quiet threats: "i hope you can salvage your relationship after this, ashengrotto." "oh, please, you won't have any pieces to pick up when i'm through running your friendship into the ground."

✧ it gets to the point where you have to excuse yourself from hanging out with them because they're both incredibly unbearable, and they're acting so strange. they both realize that they ruined their chances with you and that you probably won't want either of them after this mess has been cleaned up.

✧ when professor crewel learns his puppies have been misbehaving whilst in the other's body, he's quick to whip up a cure and even quicker to give the both of them an after-class detention for their irresponsible foolishness. the two of them (now in their rightful bodies) have to watch the courtyard from detention, where you're tossing a ball around with ace, deuce, and grim.

✧ "if this nonsense has taught us anything, it's that we ought to respect one another," riddle says with a forlorn sigh. "even if you're a dishonest cheat."

✧ azul looks up from his notebook, where he's penned a dozen new facts and information he's learned about riddle from this experience. (most will be used for blackmail.) "i'm sorry, did you say something?"

✧ be it academics, magic, or love, they're still competing... orz