#which makes me think the cars waiting in the parking lot mayve been my old lady coworkers and they didnt even try to tell me 🥲

[pikonv5]

No one let me in to work again, i had to walk halfway home until kat picked me up after like 18 minutes,, of waiting outside the building, and it was too cold so now my carpal tunnel is Hurting, but in good news, my boss is paying me still since she feels bad not remembering that was i was supposed to be in this morning 😭😭

[dragonandowl]

High while up high.

High while up high.

my inner monologue is going strong and I've been lamenting my lack of journal to reflect in for at least an hour  so here I go finally giving in to an e note or whatever this is called.

Again, I've been deep in inner monologue, the high allowing me to feel things fully , in this moment , and wow - I'm having some major ...i guess you could say awakenings because  I sort of feel woke.

being in this place of travel has got me travelling back in time, to other periods where  I was travelling  and what my mindset was, what I thought about the world. i gan literally ask what was i thinking and then go look it up because of how many journals i used to keep. I would give deep into the now, though many times It was actually a deep in to a reflection of the past. not like what I'm doing  right now, but my journaling foe much of my early life wad just a summary of the days before . it was a councious shift not till maybe last year of highschool or mayve  not even till my final year did I just journal straight from the heart , to figure out my emotions.to talk as I am talking to this phone through my fingers - talking out loud to figure out but also just to...make evident that you're having  these thoughts.... so that they might be helpful for later when future you asks "what was i thinking"??

I'm thinking right now about how I feel like I am woken up from a little-thinking mode - one where I'm to busy to think , when I just do the task ijnfreont of me and think about that one thing quite fully because those things consume a lot of thought. I'm not leaving any time for reflection in between. so  now upon reflection it feels quite strange. I feel for instance that my relationship with Shaina is unhealthy. I feel like. well I for one feel like this is hard to write with her right beside me - I feel even more dirty and guilty for these thoughts ! my shoulders are all tensed, the thought of her grabbing my phone right now and breaking her heart. but I do feel at this moment like I'm travelling with a 14 year old American and I'm just questioning - do I want to stay In this state ? Is this why I am making myself so busy ?or have i always been. could I go back to ignoring these thoughts or are they substantial ? is this chapter of my book ending soon or is it just a paragraph. I want to be challenged and to think deep and to be kind and to be immersed in something that is not priceless but I also realize this relationship has made me feel too comfortable and even fearful of the world.

it might however be very unfare to assign blame to my relationship and not instead on my age and also the state of the world. I had so much less anxiety when I was younger - just a rage and desire to experience the uniqueness of this world. these different circles of social norms , foods, smells, economies, levels of accepted  physical touch. we had a lyft driver over here , Diego was his name. he ended up being the most eye opening guy honestly, I'm sitting here quesrioningn if I could be as brave as I was at 18 if I went to India now, or if I would cower at the challenges that poverty forces on people. or maybe I was just so naive before and didn't really think about India in the context of poverty ? instead just of color and culture and beautiful differences ?

and wasn't this my perspective before, that people get by on very little money but often , as long as they have some connection to the natural world and a community and culture  , the money is not very missed. there are enough other things to keep ones mind occupied. people with no house no car savings account no any account no laptop no Wi-Fi no sneakers no no make up no coffee shops no tv no blue tooth speakers no dog parks no air conditioned cinema no draft beers ... they do alright. maybe they are even more  free to think their thoughts and be wise than those living like Americans , distracted by all the above.

and I am not challenged enough, with all my luxuries and a partner who tells my my privelidge , my fortune , is normal and even under rated comparatively.

Diego the Lyft driver was from argentina. at first he thought I was saying that if experienced pretty much argentina because i said I had lived in Chiapas Mexico but I clarified that no I was trying to how It seemed liked  you could tell who all the Argentinians were because they had a certain unique look , style , and attitude and he totally agreed. well they have a different accept too but yeah many traveling Argentinians had this hippy look. he even described it to me - skinny, long hair, tanned girls but who look like they are light skinned and then get tanned. I suppose true Argentinians didn't mix a lot with the indigenous people, which I am just now realizing and want to note to look up for later

 Damon talked a lot about different experiences he had with living in other locations like when he worked in India. but he also brought up a thought that has since terrified me and made me anxious this whole flight - so many people are just very stupid. especially Americans - just so distracted by all the above I mentioned. and I here I am travelling the world and people are just so unpredictable. and our world is becoming so corrupt it seems... can we really just go on like we are doing , trusting the good will of others around us? this is what I want to do. how I mostly lived my life before. maybe it is just anxiety that comes with age , maybe it's in our blood, or maybe I'm just in a bad state, but this is really how i feel - that I want to slow down move less and retreat to a safe place. to know my connection to my physical environment - the natural trees dirt and earth.  

he was training to be a comedian he said nearing the end of the drive. he had actually been practicing his timing on us , waiting for the build up and the right time to give us the 1 - 2 punch. 

I'm starting to think about work and how I need to review Tania's steel framing order so my edible thc must be wearing off. I'm pretty relieved that I won't be high for the arrivale and the wall through the airport - it was pretty difficult navigating the departure desk , security and boarding in this state. but I don't regret that i did this. I don't think. I needed this.  I think ...i don't know truth me told about my strategy for handing my now conscious thoughts.