#which like locigally isnt true

[achagul]

rant 1

if there was ever time when i was truly myself i don't think i can remember it. every day i seem to copy other peoples action latching onto their personalities as i don't have my own. to everyone else im helpful and loud and funny and im good at music, but really i only do what i assume is the right thing to do. i help because thats what people like to see. im loud because i get positive feedback from others. im funny because i try so hard to say stuff that will just shock other people or confuse them, and right now thats what they find funny, but in 5 years or 5 months or even the next 5 days will they find me funny anymore? what if that just gets old and they find me confusing or boring or annoying, and i often asssume they do, its probably because they do. and really im not that good at music, ive scraped by on relying on other people to do the work for me or blagging my way through a song, but ive not really been doing it that long. really i feel like a leech. a leech on peoples personalities, a leech on peoples work, a leech on peoples emotions. i dont even think though that when i was a child i had much of a personality that was my own, but people did seem to enjoy my company. at least the adults did i was incredibly annoying for anyone my own age. all ive done for my whole life if copy what other people do and do the thigns that other people react well to, and maybe at that point i copied what the adults found entertaining instead of what people my own age found entertaining, honestly even now a large majority of my friends are people way older than me. i dont think i really find them funny. i think all my laughs are fake all my cries are fake all my emotions are fake. maybe im completely void of being able to experience emotion, but its not like in the moment i dont think that i am truly experiencing emotions, its only when i realise that i can make myself stop laughing in an instant that i think that maybe i dont acctually experience any positive emotion that isnt feigned. but i definitely experience negative emotions. i am angry constatly, sad, regretful, envious. i desperately want what others have. i want fame, i want adoration i want talent. sometimes i listen to music and i have to stop listening because i get so upset that i cant be that good. but if i put the effort in i absolutely can. i have aspiration thats constantly unachieved due to my laziness. its not like i cant acctually do it, i absoloutly can, im just lazy. i want to have what others have, i want to look good i want to be a good musician i want to be good at languages i want to be genuinely nice i want to be funny but most importantly i want to have emotions and a human experience like everyone else. but maybe this is the human experience. maybe we are all faking it, or at least feel like it. or maybe im the odd one out. right now this feels like a real emotion to me, but maybe im faking it for the dramatics, or maybe it is just dramatic and i need to get over myself and this is just some weird angsty moment im having and ill look back on this and cringe. but you know what?, what really matters is that it feels real to me in the moment im writing this and maybe it nice that i can cling onto an emotion that feels real at least just for a few minutes.