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i-loves-my-lemurs · 4 years ago

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Fanfic writer's director's commentary! Thanks to @candycoloredwolf for the ask! I chose to talk about my first panchulien oneshot 'Wanna Dance?'. I wrote it in a single night on impulse so there's a few grammar mistakes and other stuff I noticed upon revisiting it.

I probably went way overboard on my commentary (oops) but it was so much fun going through it all. I hope this is entertaining.

.............

*the crocodile ambassador gave him an unusually soft smile.*

After everything that's happened in the show, I feel like the croc ambassador would have warmed up to Julien quite a bit and come to respect him as a leader. Also he's trying to butter Julien up before complaining about one of his subjects.

*provided they were on their best behaviour. It had said on the invitation that it was a 'sophisticated' event, so Maurice had managed to wrangle all of the lemurs into formal wear, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, dancing in pairs to the soft music*

Man, I just love it when characters dress up in fancy outfits and go dancing together (like in the prom episode). One of my favourite tropes in fact, so I just had to throw it in there!

*but still all this fancy partnered dancing wasn't entirely to the ringtail's taste.*

As much as I like the formal dancing stuff, it wouldn't be something Julien would enjoy, so he's already looking for an excuse to bounce and throw his own afterparty. He's only stayed so far to try and be polite and improve relations between their kingdoms or something else that Maurice told him to do.

*Clover, Sage and the rest of the mountain lemur kingdom was there, and the king and queen were happily sharing a waltz. Maurice was dancing with his sister while Prince Brodney was teaching their children the steps*

This takes place after the show's finale, but without the inclusion of the zoosters, so sort of like a parallel universe? Where Julien and Clover are monarchs together, which I think is neat. Also People tend to forget that Maurice has a sister, myself included really, and I kinda wish they'd had more cute bonding moments, so I gave then a brother/sister dance.

*even Pancho was leaning against a tree*

Aside from the main squad (excluding Mort of course) Pancho is the only minor lemur that Julien really mentions here. Almost like he was looking for him specifically. Hmmm....

*He caught Julien's eye and winked. Julien chuckled fondly.*

Casual flirt.

*"I do have a minor issue with the behaviour of one of your, ahem, subjects*

That little cough just feels like something the croc ambassador would do when he's embarrassed, or to sound authoritative, so he did.

*Julien tore his eyes away from Pancho*

"Tore his eyes away" almost like he didnt want to look away. Hmmm...

*The anxious lemur was currently giggling as he twirled his new boyfriend around*

Ah, I just want Willie to be happy and have a good time with his bf. He deserves to laugh more. New boyfriend infers that they're in the early stages of their relationship, so they're just messing around being silly and cute and having fun together.

*but Horst and Mary Ann weren't doing much better.*

Horst and Mary Ann deserve a nice romantic dance. It would be pretty awkward because she's twice his size and can only really walk on all fours, but they don't even care. They just cut their own path through the dance floor and ignore everyone else, no matter how annoyed the other dancers are because they keep getting in the way.

*"Well, they're both males!" He said. "It's completely unnatural, wouldn't you agree?"*

Oof, the croc ambassador wants that snooty monarch solidarity with Julien since he's the most popular king in Madagascar, but that ain't happening any time soon. Not with that attitude!

*Julien was lost for words. He had known ever since he was young that he liked boys. Every male in the kingdom liked boys! In fact, it was considered a little unusual if you WEREN'T interested in the same gender.*

I like the idea that homosexuality is just the norm in the party kingdom, kinda like She-Ra. People are just gay and nobody thinks anything of it and coming out is celebrated. Julien doesn't care if you're gay or straight though, he just cares for his peeps and wants them to love who they love.

*whatever their genders were*

A subtle difference between Julien and the croc ambassador, Julien says 'genders' while croc ambassador says 'sexes' because Julien is more open to the idea of gender not being confined to biology.

*Julien took a few deep breaths and tried desperately to not get angry.

"What's the problem man, they're just dancing." He remarked in what he hoped was a neutral tone.*

Julien tries to keep his cool here, a bit of his character development showing. He now knows that everything doesnt have to be a scene, so keeps his temper. It's also kind of to protect Willie and his partner though. He knows they're having a good time and he doesn't want to bring to their attention that their host doesn't like what they're doing, because he knows they'll be upset.

*"rather not have it ruined by such atrocities being committed!"*

And this was the point where I started to hate the croc ambassador too while writing.

*"Oh, hey Julio." Pancho smiled at him. "I was just gonna-"*

Pancho was just gonna say that he was bored with the party and wanted to leave. He would have asked if Julien wanted to come with (he could tell Julio was getting bored and he couldn't have THAT), which would have been a different fanfiction entirely.

*"Wanna dance?" Julien said.*

I honestly can't remember if I thought of the title or this line first.

*He considered sticking his tongue out at the reptile's back, but ultimately decided that such a juvenile display wasn't the best way to get his point across.*

Again, character development. Julien has matured (a little) and realised that there are better, more fulfilling ways of getting revenge.

*"OK." Pancho said with a shrug, and slid his paw over to Julien's waist,*

Once Pancho can mentally catch up with what's going on, he rolls with it. In fact, he sorta likes the idea of dancing with Julien, and had been trying to gather the courage to ask him for most of the night. I wonder why...

*As they danced though, he began to feel his attention drawn to a different place: how smooth Pancho was on the dance floor,*

We all know Julien's attention span is not great, so there's no way he's going to be able to stay angry when he's too busy being distracted by Pancho's smoothness.

*He raised an eyebrow. "You just couldn't resist?"*

Not entirely subtle flirt.

*"But you know, you're not a bad pick." He patted Pancho on the arm.*

Not entirely subtle either flirt.

*"Abner over there's been missing steps and stumbling all night!" He glanced over at Abner and his wife with a small frown.*

Poor Abner, he's the one getting picked on tonight. Bit of a running gag here.

*Pancho's eyes widened and he instinctively pulled Julien closer, whether it was to shield him or to further prove the point, Julien couldn't tell, but the ringtail wasn't complaining.*

Pancho does pull Julien closer on instinct to protect him, he knows how badly homophobia would hurt Julien's feelings. Julien is just loving it though. He was more angry for Willie's sake than hurt anyways.

*"But us lemurs dance with guys all the time!" Pancho exclaimed. "I've seen you kiss four different guys at a party once! What's his problem?"

"That's what I'm saying, wait I did what?"*

Even if they weren't a couple, dancing together is just something the males would do. They're that casual. And of course Julien would go around kissing everybody at his parties when he gets drunk enough. Poor Julien doesnt remember half of what he does at parties though.

*"Oh no, I don't mind." Pancho remarked, then cleared his throat awkwardly, looking away.*

Awkward silence much? Internally Pancho is just screaming *why did you say that?!" because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings right now, especially not with Julien so close.

(For any other ballroom dance enthusiasts, what they're dancing would be a mix between a waltz and a slow dance. Like a casual, less fancy waltz that's quite easy for them to get the hang of, but still quite romantic and personal).

*"You know Julio, I don't think he's gonna notice." Pancho remarked.*

But eventually Pancho plucks up the courage. They're already dancing, he tells himself. And Julien just wants to make the crocodile ambassador mad. Julien kisses people platonically all the time so he won't question it. If he doesnt like it, say you were doing it to piss off the crocodiles. And if he does like it... well...

*"Well, I had an idea." Pancho was avoiding his gaze again."*

He's still nervous of course, but he's made up his mind. It's all or nothing, baby!

*"Lay it on me." Julien said.*

And he does! Literally!

*And holy Sky Gods.*

I was tempted to have this line be 'holy crap' or 'holy sh*t' because that's what I would say idk but holy sky gods just works better for the show's lore, and allows the story to keep a G rating.

*All thoughts of spiting the crocodile ambassador had been fully driven from his mind*

Julien just gets so caught up in the moment, he's all "what crocodile ambassador?" he just wants to keep kissing.

*Julien stroked his paw through Pancho's soft fur and deepened their kiss.*

I imagine Pancho's fur would be very soft, he's always playing around with explosives so he's bound to get his fur burnt off every now and then, and it grows back softer.

This was the first time I wrote the lemurs kissing, so it's not the most explicit thing in the world. I probably couldn't write an explicit kiss scene to save my life though.

*"Hoo-ah." Pancho sighed softly.*

Hoo-ah" is exactly what Pancho would say after having his mind blown by a kiss like that. Just no thoughts, head Julien.

*"Yeah, crocodile ambassador certainly thinks so." Pancho said, a wild grin overcoming his face*

Heh heh, Pancho's happy because he just got to kiss his crush (and he liked it!) But also because he can see the croc ambassador is pissed and he loves the opportunity to mess.

*some looking angry, some looking intrigued*

Some of the crocs are intrigued because they've never been able to be open about who they are or experiment because of compulsory heterosexuality in their kingdom. Seeing two guys just being so open about their attraction to each other would definitely help them rethink things. They've never seen gay love expressed like this and it's new and exciting.

*Julien's face broke out into an ecstatic grin.

"Yeah that's right!" He called wildly. "I kissed a guy! At your party! Boom, I like kissing guys! Ha, suck on that loser! Woohoo!"*

Oh the sweet triumph of proving a point. This rant was a joy to write, it just feels very Julien.

*He grabbed Pancho's hand and held it up.*

Grab your boyfriend's hand, hold it aloft like a prize.

*"I'm like ninety percent sure Ted likes kissing guys!"*

Haha, poor Teddy needs to be extracted from the closet, pronto. Julien just has an excellent gaydar.

* and tucked a protective arm around his daughter's shoulders, turning her away from Julien.*

I imagine princess Amy would have some questions after this, questions which her father would definitley struggle to answer. If she really wants to find out what Pancho and Julien were doing, I imagine she'd visit the party kingdom alone, and the lemurs would be happy to answer her questions. Pancho and Julien may have ushered in a new era for the crocodile kingdom and their relationship with LGBT+.

*There came a cheer from the crowd of lemurs and they all began to head off the dance floor*

Of course the other lemurs go with Julien immediately, he's their king after all and the moment he suggests that someone might not be cool with their sexualities, they're ready to bounce.

*Clover and Sage at the front hand in hand,*

Clover and Sage would definitley be behind Julien 100%. The moment he declares that they're out of there, they just drop everything to leave with him.

*some mountain lemur ladies holding hands too.*

Mountain lemur lesbians? Anyone? I just think it's neat.

*"You read my mind, Julio."

Julien pulled Pancho towards him and tried to ignore how it felt like there was a little party going on in his stomach when Pancho called him that.*

Julien really likes that name! I see it as an affectionate nickname Pancho gave him that eventually just evolves into a pet name that makes Julien a little warm and fuzzy inside every time he hears it.

*Julien's heart leapt with joy to see Willie clutching his boyfriend's hands as they danced.*

Daaaww, Julien might pick on Willie but at the end of the day he likes to see him happy. He's glad they don't have to stay at a party where their dancing is scrutinised.

*Pancho rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly as they stood face to face. "I'm sorry about kissing you, I just-"*

Now that there's some distance between them, Pancho has had time to think and wonder "oh sheesh, what if I messed it up, what if he only felt like it was platonic" and he's now all embarrassed, poor leem. He's just a guy in love.

*He nodded, then cleared his throat in an attempt to get a grip on his emotions. "You know, um, while we were dancing*

And now we see Julien trying to hold it together, these two are just so precious and I can totally see them stumbling over their feelings like that.

*kissed Pancho on the forehead, giggling slightly at the other lemur's squeak of surprise.*

Pancho is the perfect height for affectionate forehead kisses, let's not forget it!

*Pancho and Julien headed onto the dancefloor together and moved their bodies to the beat.*

They would have spent the night together just dancing and vibing (and making out probably).

*Nobody there who gave them the stink-eye or who told them that they were wrong. They danced and had fun and kissed without a care in the world. Julien felt so happy that his kingdom was a place where he could kiss Pancho all he liked.*

Ah I really went to town on the "love is love" concept here, didn't I? Well, a theme is a theme.

Julien's just really happy at the place he's created. He's glad they can dance and kiss and all that jazz, and he did that, he created a kingdom free of prejudice. It's exactly how I can see the kingdom's relationship with LGBT+ going down, a place where they're all just happy to vibe and be themselves.

.........

And that's the end. I hope you enjoyed this premium insight into my writings, and if you want commentary on another of my stories, or just have random questions, then my inbox is always open :)

#ask post #fanfic commentary #ahkj fanfiction #homophobia mention

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flower-of-the-desert · 5 years ago

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Thoughts on 2gether ep12

I knew last episode was a false sense of security and now there’s

(I love this gif so much, it works for all kinds of things that cause pain)

but seriously though, I am here for the drama like I loved how soft and fluffy it was so far but now gimme a little bit of angst for the climax please and thank you; but dont forget that happy ending ok? OK?????

I said last week and I’ll say it again, I really do love that Tine and Wat’s problems are coming from their own character flaws and issues and like yes, there’s Pam but she’s not... really the core of it you know? Like obviously the real problems here are Tine’s insecurities and overhinking and Sarawat’s not being very forthcoming with things he thinks will embarrass him in front of Tine which is kind of fascinating to me cause we saw the same thing last ep when Wat didnt want to admit the clip was for Tine at first because he was embarrassed/shy and now with the song I’m guessing it’s the same thing and/or it’s not ready yet and Wat doesnt want to tell Tine until he’s got it perfected

but it’s the combination of those two flaws of their that’s driving the drama right now - Pam being just the catalyst - and it’s all going to backfire spectacularly on Wat next episode

.... and I am here for it, this is character drama I can get behind

speaking of Pam, I wonder if that’s not another misunderstanding there when she said I love you? as in I love you romantically or I love you as a dear friend? And she also says she wants to go back to how things were before but before she wasnt dating Wat, they were just closer as friends than they are now

I hope that’s what they’re going for like she misses having Wat as a friend and wants to get their friendship back and not that she’s in love with him

I think it would work better thematically with Tine being insecure and seeing things through that lense rather than what they are in reality

but omg, my man Mil really pull through! I’m so happy he’s finally moving on from his feelings for Tine and by giving back the bracelet he’s basically telling Wat to not waste the chance he has to be with Tine now by not being careful

I read a comment after last episode that I really really liked saying that Mil doesnt really seem interested in Tine anymore but what he was doing in ep11 was mostly just to get on Wat’s nerves and trying to be friends with Tine at the very least (trying to explain himself about the attack because he didnt want Tine to be scared of him/to think he was that kind of a person) and I think this scene absolutely proves that and I love it

also the fact that he remembered that today was Phukong’s exam and sent him an encouraging message 💖💖💖

I love how Tine and Wat are walking with their hands around each other

and now we’re taking a shower together O_o

I’m not complaining

you know, I’m not getting any deeper into the kissing/sex debate because like I said last week, yes I agree that it makes sense for them to be touching more as in the show has set it up that they want to do it but this episode absolutely semented for me that the implications are there that they do do it off screen but we’re not gonna see that and usually I would be upset about it because 1) I am horny bird with a dirty dirty brain, 2) I loooooooove touchy-feely couples in general and 3) it makes sense for your couple to be physically intimate from a pure writing POV unless you’ve set up some reason for them not to be which is clearly not the case here

but... I dont know, with these two it just doesnt bother me as much as it normally would; I dont know why, maybe it’s that I adore how well developed their emotional intimacy is (and like you cant find THAT in most couples in TV either so that’s already a big plus) and that they’re clearly comfortable touching/being near each other/getting in each other’s space like a couple WOULD do, it’s the heavier stuff that is left off screen and that’s a writing choice they apparently decided to go with and well, it is what it is

the only complaint I have is that they really should have had a few more kisses, like not on FTTT’s level of making out like your life depends on it but at least little pecks here and there, I think that would have been perfect

ANYWAY, so those are my finale thoughts on that matter, MOVING ON phew

Tine’s so gone he’s smiling at a picture of Wat while being in the same room as him which is frankly #mood

Tine’s just like I do not vibe with this so I’m removing myself from the situation the moment Pam opened her mouth and he just TURNED THE FUCK AROUND AND WALKED AWAY

I thought Sarawat was the one to look out for when it comes to jealousy but Mr I’m gonna punish you all night long here is actually the real deal

Type and Man are EXACTLY that cat/dog meme and I’m living for it, this entire scene is just so funny and Type’s little “open it” at the end is just 🤣

I like how they’re building up Tine’s insecurities over Pam little by little by having Tine find similarities between them and then with the talk about first loves and letting us see how he comes to the conclusions he does so it makes sense how it all happens

holy shit I did not expect Man/Type to break my heart too but HERE WE ARE

that dinner scene was so hard to get through especially because what Man is going through realising he’s got nothing much to offer Type at the moment, financially speaking and that he’s still a first year and he’s got a lot of things left to do for his own future and life and just... that hits hard

unpopular opinion but I actually like that Type left with the asshole boss because 1) that’s gonna make him realise that he does miss Man when he stops coming to him next ep and 2) like from Type’s POV it makes sense? he barely knows this kid that’s been chasing him non-spot and annoying him and yeah, sure he’s helpful and seems genuine in his feelings and Type clearly is starting to melt a little but but he also wants to not lose his job and offend his boss (he might be a total jackass but he’s still Type’s boss) so he’s got no choice but to prevent the situation from escalating

also I like to think that maybe part of why he decided to leave was cause he was trying to protect Man by not letting him get in a fight with the guy

also did I say how much I am here for the drama next week when Man really does stop looking for him and Type realises oh shit I did NOT want that and yells at Man for disappearing on him after making him feel these things

which is basically like how Tine decided to go about confessing his feelings not like a normal Braincell-filled person but accusing Wat of not taking responsibility for making Tine fantasize about kissing him and OMG these two really are brothers, arent they?

I really was hoping Wat would say Tine was his first love but THEN he proceeded to snatch my wig with saying that what he felt for Pam was nothing like what he felt for Tine that day at the concert and being so ridiculously OFFENDED when Tine said he and Pam were alike he was like wHAt?? you are like her??? PLEASE YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST PERSON I’VE EVER MET AND I LOVE YOU PLS NEVER LEAVE ME

AND THEN TINE BREAKS DOWN COMPLETELY AT THE END THINKING HE’S LOST WAT LIKE FULL ON SOBBING AND HITTING THE WALL AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DENIAL AND I AM NOT OK

WHO LET ME WATCH THAT

I NEED A HUG

TINE NEEDS A HUG

anyway, I am fine

next episode looks like it’s gonna be choked full of some of my favourite tropes and honestly I canNOT wait

but dont forget that happy ending though OK??????

#bl drama #2gether the series

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karihigada · 5 years ago

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assassin AU

*me talking to my friend*

Shizaya Redesign!

and !!!! that shizaya redesign! ACTUALLY! look here: initial AU prompt

assassin!shizuo taking care of brat!izaya ! :D

let me tell you in detail

assassin!shizuo send to kill this upstart tech wizz kid izaya who founded his own company and got really succesful and now his adult business partners want to get rid of him. and shizuo does mean to kill him but instead shizuo ends up running away with him through a series of circumstances which make it seem like shizuo betrayed the people who hired him so he ends up fleeing with izaya cause they are now both hunted by other assassins

and izaya totally hates being wih shizuo at first. and shizuo wonders why he bothers with this brat but izayas skills (hacking and tech wiz stuff) prove to be invaliable so its an unlikely partnership based on nessessity. at first. but after killing so much for a living, shizuo thinks for once protecting somehing is nice

okay sorry i wish i could give you more for assassin shizuo taking care of a little shit and slowly coming to enjoy it but i actually never came up with more or concrete scenes

or you know maybe, imagine this. they are staying at some hotel and shizuo was out shopping and comes back and finds izaya lying on his stomach on the bed, playing videogames or you know actually, he lies on his back, his head hanging upside down the edge, and he plays like that and shizuo comes back to such a /childish/ scene that he cant even comment. izaya gives him a welcome back without looking at him and when shizuo walks past him and the tv in order to get to the kitchen he just gets an Hey (for being in izayas field of view haha) izaya then asks if shizuo got the stuff and shizuo just sighs and throws a bag of cheese chips at him which izaya gleefully tears open and starts munching

izaya in this is such a hypocritical contradiction of health cause he will happily stuff himself with all kinds of snacks but draws the line at junk food and instead demands his proper meals are healthy

so shizuo goes to cook dinner while izaya keeps stuffing his face and shizuo tells him to stop or he wont have an apetite later but jokes on him izaya still wolfs down the dinner shizuo makes (and says its delicious) cause izaya is a growing boy.

what the fuck this is way too wholesome with shizuo taking care of like 16 year old genius izaya, there is no way i can put fucking into this later with shizuo way too much of a guardian hahahaha

well i guess not every AU needs them to get together. instead shizuo becomes his bodyguard (izaya later also pays handsomly once the whole plot with the betrayal and framing and other assassins and corporate takeover is over) and they become good friends.

and maybe a few years later when izaya is older (between 18 and 20) and laments (like full on imagine him lying on a bed or couch with his hand dramatically raised to his forehead like hes about to faint like a victorian virgin and just overdramatically ranting. he is such a drama queen bottom bitch) that he could never find an interesing partner cause people are only interested in his looks and money and that shizuo is the only one who sees him for who he is and unaffraid to tell izaya off

so at first izaya jokingly comes onto shizuo or like fullon suggests they should try hooking up (i imagine shizuo is like, mh, 29 when he meets izaya? has been an assassin for a while. so he is like 13 years older.) and shizuo is just like What The Fuck Brat and says if izaya really wants to get laid that bad he could just pay anyone he wants.

izaya says he doesnt trust anyone, "remember that time my businesspartners send an assasin after me?! that was scary!" he says in mock fright. shizuo just grunts.

izaya then drapes himself around shizuos neck, shizuo going stiff, and whispers in his ear "common shizu-chan, its just sex"

shiziuo untangles izayas arms from his shoulders and gets up, leaving. not cause he is afraid he will give in but cause he is afraid izaya will push this too far and then get pissy when shizuo keeps refusing him and it will destroy the trust and friendship they build up. cause shizuo does enjoy this life at izayas side way more than his previous occupation

more from before the timeskip: imagine shizuo carrying izaya under one arm to get away in dangerous situation and the first time it happens izaya hates it, the second time he is completely nonchallant about it and types on his phone while shizuo is carrying him also since izaya is tech wiz hacker he gets them like access to security footage so that shizuo can sneak up on their pursuers

also, i imagine it a bit like Dishonoured videogame? like its a stealth assassin game and the plot is neat but anyway for every 'major' assassin mission for the plot you have the option of just killing the target or finding a noneleathal way of getting rid of them

some of these may include selling them into slavery but hey, at leas theyre alive xD yay morality.

anyway. imagine like this situation shizuo finds himself in, protecting a kid and multiple other strong assassins on his tail. he COULD, and would normally just kill all persuers to ger rid of them but with izayas tech wiz skills (cause iazya doesnt want to kill people) they find other ways to take them down.

like maybe one gets held up in the airport and then arrested and izaya conveniently reveals their identity as a hitman so the police just made a goldcatch. or another gets into a traffic accident and will be out of commission in a hospital for a while first (while izaya reveals their identity to the police...

okay the only way to take down hitmen with technology is to have them caught by the police but still xD nonleathal means xD

and shizuo is really impressed by izayas abilities (and izaya also gets them fake IDs and passports and creditcards and makes reservations in hotels under fake names so he keeps them afloat while they are on the run while shizuo protects them from physical danger. which is also nessesary since some hitmen do catch up with them and shizuo has to take them down. some with lethal force sadly since it was a dangerous situation and it shakes izaya up pretty bad and izaya flinches away from shizuo before he gets a hold of hismelf again and and tries to laugh it off and say that he is okay but shizuo can see the strain in his eyes and how tense he is. maybe thats towards the begining and thats when shizuo decides that they should try to work out other means of taking down their pursuers

also imagine shizuo teaching izaya his knive skils :3

okay moving to post time skip. like izaya keeps making moves maybe and shizo puts up with it for a while but it gets to a boiling point where shizuo looses his temper and yells at izaya to cut it out (he normally never yelled at izaya) and izaya actually gets scared cause he didnt want to chase shizuo away.

like. izaya had a weird sort of imprinting on shizuo. he does like him as a friend and mentor and guardian but some part of him is scared shizuo will leave? so he tried being more to shizu than just some kid he once protected

so maybe if they talk about it openly they can resolve this and izaya doesnt have to fear shizuo leaving. and shizuo says that izaya can look for a partner his age and shizuo wont get jealous and will instead protect them too and maybe a kid. but izaya also says he meant it serious that noone he meets could ever look past the money he has (and also people are boring). "but shizuchan. shizuchan was never boring. he understands me."

so they do spend their life together in a fullfilling mutually supportive realtionship but it does stay platonic and both are satisfied with that :)

or maybe like 5 more years later when izaya is finally no longer a kid (mentally. that brat) and still says he wants to sleep with shizuo at least once but that it wouldnt change anything between them that they do end up fracking and start a sorta weird mix of platonic and sexual relationship that maybe evolves into romantic so all in all good end (other than that they are totally codependant haha)

or, alternate not good ending: 19 year old izaya pressures shizuo into sleeping with him and shizuo feels horrible about it but satisfies him sexually to appease his temper in order to keep his peaceful life

...

okay more domestic assassin shizaya things: izaya in in charge of their money, ne? and they need to lay low , ne? izaya orders them new clothes online. and shizuo has to wear what izaya buys xD cue them dressing like in the pic above with iazya in the pinks shades and shizuo in the suit. cause that brat wouldnt know subtle if it bit him in the ass

im trying to come up with more scenarios. but i explicitly said izaya DOESNT order copius amounts of take out food. unless its healthy take out food. expensive healthy take out food.

also. imagine. later in life. shizuo teaching izaya some light hand to hand combat self defense. them together standing barefoot on gym mats and izaya is sweating and panting and wiping the sweat off his forehead, his hair sticking in all directions cause he tried attacking and taking down shizuo for the dozends time and shizuo is totally collected and unaffected, blocking and sending izaya to the mat with ease. and izaya gets this really competitive streak. wants to /take him down/.

it actually becomes a sorta game, for a long time. izaya trying to catch shizuo unaware. he only once succeeded, a long while later, after they resolved their problems and fears and live a fullfilling life togehter and shizuo is completely relaxed and at peace and happy.

#shizaya #durarara #orihara izaya #Heiwajima Shizuo #ficlet #au headcanon

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crispyapplepies · 5 years ago

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Copy pasta improvised terra-slept-with-joshua-and-ven-is-upset-about-it fic i wrote in a discord chat for any terravens willing to overlook the present tense sketch writing, i hope you enjoy the angsty comedy drama --

so by chance, vens assigned gym partner for the day is joshua~ sora is stuck with roxas in the bg which is also amusing if you wanna know the background noise to this xD ven is an utter sweetie and has no personal problem with joshua so hes happy to pick up his slack on their activities today since he understands some people just dont care for athletics, especially when they have pretty looks to preserve for rehearsal tonight^^ at the end of class joshua offers his coy appreciation to ven who was such a cute gentleman today in getting him through that~ and then he makes some remark about how he never wouldve guessed ven even was that physically inclined given what he thought terras taste in men was~ ven lowers an eyebrow and asks "huh? what does that mean? =o=" and joshua chuckles "oh it was a long time ago, nothing to wonder about now~ i will say this though, you my friend? are one very very lucky bottom ;) keep a close eye on him." and then he saunters off to his next class. ven squints =.= hes a lil grumpy now x)

come lunch time, terra and aqua have already sat down at their usual table, seniors come in first, and theyre settled in with aqua going over some extra terms with terra for their history exam. sophomores finally file in and ven marches over with the tray of food he didnt even look at when he was at the counter. terra turns with a smile to see him and plants his usual kiss hello on his cheek as ven sits down with a slight fwomp, not responding to it. terra asks "everything okay? :o" and aqua looks over to check if hes feeling alright, not spotting any signs of sickness. ven responds almost gritting his teeth "i've been better. =_ =" terra tells aqua he'll help her study in a minute, cuz obviously upset boyfriend takes priority<3 he sinks his fingers into vens hair and asks him if he wants to talk about it. and ven takes a deep breath, trying to resume his usual Good Boi Angel attitude, gently swats terras hand away and says "Maybe later, you and aqua can go ahead and study! 8) I'll even help you if you like~" terra recognizes that this is certainly not over but hes not gonna force ven to talk or anything so he kinda nervously says okay.. and then tells aqua "Wanna quiz me?" and aqua says sure, and starts reading off the list of vocab words only for ven to suddenly smack the table and turn sharply to terra and ask "WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME YOU SLEPT WITH JOSHUA????" and terra just- O//__//O oops.. and aqua looks at terra all disappointed and grossed out and groans "Oh, terra, you didn't... >~<" and terra is so embarrassed and tries to explain to ven's scowl "i-it was a long time ago! really it meant nothing! :'D... a-and besides it was even before I met you! so.. thats- alright?" and he glances over at aqua hoping for some kind of validation but she just goes "ughh..." in the most smh big sister voice xDDD

ven exhales, trying to cool off and be rational, but his usual sweet happy face just cant help being all =_ = at terra, and he says "I guess its- fine, but- gosh, really? joshua? you didnt have feelings for him, did you? er was this just a fling? how long ago was this?" and terra stumbles to answer saying "i-it was- um... back when i first came out! people were telling me i couldnt say i was bi if i'd never had sex with a guy too, so i- had to prove it! thats all, really, it was nothing meaningful to me, honest<3 :'3 I'm not like that." as he cups vens cheeks playfully, but where theres usually a smile between puffed out cheeks theres still just a >:T ven folds his arms and tries again to collect himself and says "i guess i get it.. i guess xT thats really all it was? no more secrets?" and terra swears with his hand up and his eyes closed "I swear thats all it was v_v." aqua shakes her head and tells terra "Youre gonna owe ven preeetty big after this blows over :/" but before ven can even respond terra has already jumped in to tell her "I'll do anything to make ven happy! theres absolutely nothing to worry about~ :')" and ven is still kinda pissed but he finally says "okay. i'll let it go. here aqua, i can read off the list and quiz both of you" and aqua slides ven the paper to read off while she glares at terra who glares back at her as if to say 'drop it =.='

so thats the end of it for the day, and the next day too, but then the next day is gym again, and whatever sora and roxas are struggling with in the bg is still going on xD and ven and joshua are partners again. ven is still not comfortable with the idea of his terra sleeping with joshua, the twink incubus of the school fdkjgh but hes a nice boy so hes going to continue being nice and get joshua through this "drag of an hour, and not even the fun kind" pff joshua can kinda tell ven is pretty tense today though, unusual for him since ven is always the nicest kid in the whole school next to maybe sora. so finally near the end he asks if something's on his mind and ven realizes ack, what am i doing? there is no reason for me to be such a jerk. so he tells joshua "im really sorry, I mean it, I have no business acting like this;; i just- when i found out you slept with terra i was kinda.. uncomfortable about it to say the least, but i have no reason to be, youre perfectly nice :) besides, it was before he even met me so it doubly doesnt matter~^^" but thats where joshua raises an eyebrow. "oh? i think youre a little mixed up there cutie pie~ terra and i had sex together last year. some time after you transferred. I was amazed at the offer, really, i honestly thought that once he met you, none of us other cuties had a chance. but it looks like he landed you in the end, so it is of no matter. but i do certainly hope that you and he are happy, terra is quite the catch and we'll all be quite jealous of you til the end~ catch you around ;)" and thats the end of that conversation. ven. is. livid. 8)

so ven actually skipped lunch with his friends 8) terra looks around curiously, he still isnt showing up and hes not texting him back either. aqua asks him "doesnt ven have gym today?" and terra answers like its a dumb question pff "yeah? its thursday, everybody has gym today. its gym day." and she shakes her head at him and says "I think you should give him some space. im pretty sure i know where he is. :/" terra looks uneasy tho. "do you think hes okay?" and aqua says "oh... im sure he will be." terra grips his arms and tries not to think about it 8)

senior gym class is last period and they start filing in as the juniors file out. terra fist bumps riku on his way in xD terra is practically exempt from whatever is on the activities list cuz hes.. terra and gym class is honestly childs play pff he finishes everything in 2 seconds anyway. so usually the coach just lets him bench press for a while. highschools are bullshit xD aqua has that privilege too but she considers it a warm up before her practice later and does them anyway. terra takes his time prepping the bench, saving himself the trouble of dealing with the crowd in the locker room, and once they all run out he yoinks his gym bag up to his shoulder just to be extra pff and marches on in there to change. weird that everyone is snickering at him on their way out though... he walks inside, humming mindlessly to himself cuz gym class is his chance to relax after school before his practice. and then he half screams in surprise as his gym bag falls to the floor. ven is sitting right there in front of the lockers with the angriest look on his face terra didnt even know he /could/ make jhdfgl ven "sings" out "hello, terra. >8(" and terra just- run kdjfhglhdfsg

terra runs back to the bench as if he can just- run away from reality kdjsfhgljkdfs xDDD and start bench pressing cuz he doesnt know what else to do sdklfjhglsdj im having too much fun with this i love dumb ass jocks and soft cuties xDDD ven launches himself on top of terra pushing down on the weights terra was about to pump up and yells "YOU SLEPT WITH JOSHUA WHILE YOU WERE COURTING ME?!?!?!?!!!!"

(everyone in the gym is cackling quietly to themselves at the display sdfkjgh this AMAZING xD) terra looks up at ven in fear and stutters "I-I didnt think i had a chance with you! you didnt seem interested D:!" ven yells "OF COURSE I WAS INTERESTED YOURE JUST SHIT AT FLIRTING!!!!!!!" terra tries to calm him down "youre gonna break the bench press, ven! D:" the coach comes over at all the yelling and yells at them "HEY, break it up--" only to be shut right up when ven glares at him and growls and terra looks at him utterly terrified dfkjhg and motions for him to leave them alone. the coach is both very scared of ven xD and also doesnt wanna lose his quarterback so he smiles and holds his hands up in surrender and says "hey, you know what? why dont you two work it out amongst yourselves?^^;;; maybe somewhere that isnt my expensive bench press though?" ven yells "FINE." and grabs terra by the wrist and drags him back to the locker rooms using a scary strength terra didnt know he had dkfjglh O_O;; aqua pauses her stretches and shakes her head and mumbles "it was nice knowing you, terra. :/" and then resumes her work out xD

well ven flings terra into the locker room and shuts the door with a slam and chews him out. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING THIS FEELS?!!! YOU SLEPT WITH THAT LITTLE HORNDOG AFTER I CAME HERE AND THEN YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT IT SO I HAD TO FIND OUT FROM THE HORNDOG HIMSELF?!!! GIMME YOUR BEST EXPLANATION FOR THAT, TERRA, JUST TRY ME!!!! >8UUUUUU" terra reaches out his trembling hands bravely to try and calm ven down, before he pulls his hair out and he cries out "I'm SORRY, i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry, okay, I didn't do it to hurt you!!!! It was just a small thing-" "AHAHAH IS THAT WHAT IT IS THEN??? WELL IF IT WAS SUCH A SMALL "tHinG" THEN WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT IT, WHAT OTHER SECRETS HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING?!!! DID YOU SLEEP WITH RIKU TOO? ANYMORE CHEERLEADERS I DONT KNOW ABOUT??? OR MAYBE JOSHUA AGAIN AT SOME POINT????!!! >8'DDDD" ven is about to lose his mind sdjfhg terra is starting to feel upset too ;~; "No, I don't have anymore secrets, after we started dating I havent even so much as THOUGHT of anyone else! I mean that! :'U" he pleas, finally managing to place loving hands on vens shoulders as he prays for forgiveness dkfjhg ven finally just cries it out letting himself sob into his palms and terra steps in closer, hating to see ven cry, and this is much worse knowing hes the cause of it ;-;

ven glances up again, terras scent hitting him and that warm chest right in front of him that he loves and he just buries his face in it not knowing what else to do dkfgh terra holds him, stroking his back, mulling over in his head how many ways he could apologize for this but then ven pushes himself away again, hes still so upset >~< and he sniffles "why. did you lie to me about it." terras face goes red and he fishes for his words "because i- i care what you think ven." ven scoffs, but his frown hardens and he wipes his eyes "you care what i think, and so you LIED to me? what am i supposed to think?" terra replies quickly "i dont know :'u i guess i just didnt want you to think..." ven holds himself and turns away. terra supposes he has to just- be honest then, its worth a try if it keeps him from losing the love of his life. "Look, I- I lied because the way you look at me matters to much. I care what you think of me more than anyone else, ven." ven sniffles, his back still turned to terra "oh yeah?" and terra glides over to turn him around and look at him, taking vens hands in his. "yes! ven youre the nicest, kindest, most pure hearted person i've ever met. i cant even imagine there being a darkness in your heart. who even says "slept with" and "courted" anymore besides a sweetheart like you? youre like an angel to me, but i- dont have the best reputation anymore. and the number of partners ive had seemed to disgust you. it broke my heart the way you looked at me the other day knowing that id slept with joshua. like you thought i was- i dunno.. im sorry i did it, i really am. i never wouldve done it if i'd known you really did want me too." ven reaches up and places a hand to terras cheek promising "Terra, I think the world of you. i wouldnt be with you if i didnt think you were a great person. the best even! you know how much i admire you. i just- was I just a fling? how do i know im not the next joshua or shiki you sl- have sex with and drop?"

and terra leans down to kiss his forehead and chuckles "because you're you, silly." that gets ven smiling again, the cornier the better with him<3 he presses his nose to terras chest and slides his arms up over his back for a tight hug and terra is so relieved they got through that dkfgjhdjl f ven tells him "I'm sorry for making you feel judged. i was way too rash about that whole thing." terra tells him its alright, imeanididlietoyouafterallahem.. ven goes = _= for just a second, cuz yeah that sure wasnt cool dfkjgh but he removes it cuz mostly hes back to smiling and he pulls himself away to look up at terra again, admitting with a blush "i guess i'm still in disbelief that youre really mine. maybe in 5 years or something i'll believe it" ven chuckles at his joke, but terra smiles down at him very sincerely and says "then i'm counting the years with you til then~" and that just tickles him and he jumps up to give terra make up smooches for a while<3 eventually they emerge from the locker room, ven clearly looking like hed been crying but smiling away again, even feeling okay enough to go to class now, cuz hes a good boy who wouldnt just ditch at that point like i would xD terra looks relieved too. aqua breaks formation when she sees them come out and runs up to ven to ask if hes okay and hug him if he needs, but ven says "everythings fine :) thanks aqua~" and aqua looks up at terra to double check that and terra nods affirmatively that yes, everything is fine. ven nudges aqua "see you at practice today~" and waves at terra too, knowing he prefers not to smooch in front of the other seniors;; but terra tells him to hang on and he runs over to give him a smooch goodbye and all is well after that<3 and axel snarks "tchh- drama queens :/"

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sunlitroom · 6 years ago

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Gotham – s5e05 – Pena Dura

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Selina went stab stabbity stab. Alfred told Bruce he can’t save Selina from herself. Ed woke up on a rooftop. Jim gave speech #357 on the value of hope. Then Haven exploded, proving that hope can only do so much against an RPG. Jim’s been promised help for weeks! He also won’t stop until he finds who’s responsible for Haven. Ed was responsible for Haven, albeit in a weird trance-like state. Jim stared at the charred remains of Haven.

As always, long post will be long. There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)). There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism. Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

In a church, a man is watching an old black and white film. From what I can figure out from the actors involved and the character names, it’s a George Brent film called Tangier Incident. It’s not a particularly interesting film. He is, however, in a good creepy film called The Spiral Staircase, which I recommend.

Anyway

Jim and Harvey approach him, guns drawn, and ask him turn around. Apparently, he’s the one who sold the RPGs. He seems pretty unimpressed by them, and rather insolently asks if they’re going to arrest him.

Jim says he wants a name. Old film guy addresses some unseen minions

What do you say boys? You wanna show the lawman how we feel about uninvited guests?

No-one is backing down. The stand-off is broken up by the arrival of lots of large people dropping through the stained-glass ceiling, who promptly take the thugs out.

While this is happening, Jim wrestles the weapons dealer/film enthusiast. He still wants a name. The fight is pretty even until the old guy is shot in the head.

We now get a slow-motion shot of shiny army boots approaching to some foreboding music. Jim rises, frowning in confusion as shiny boots man removes the mask covering his face.

Eduardo?

Nice shot right?

We get the military music we last had with Barnes to let us know that Jim likely met this man in the army. His men are still pointing guns, one at Harvey, so he tells them stand down.

Jim asks Eduardo what he’s doing here. He tells Jim he last saw him running through sniper fire to save him from a burning truck.

Jim claims he had the old guy where he wanted him – but he’s glad he’s here. Eduardo says he is too

They wander through the church chatting. Jim tells Harvey they hated each other in boot camp. Jim thought Eduardo did things too fast, while Eduardo thought Jim was too careful.

A sarcastic Harvey says that Jim’s taught him a thing or two about being careful.

Jim and Eduardo lapse into military jargon – talking about the mission plan. Eduardo says that they’re helping Walker (the woman Jim’s been talking to on the radio). They’ve to make this hellhole safe.

Jim, disgruntled, comments that all it apparently took for them to be sent help was the murder of hundreds. Eduardo says they’ve to remove all criminal elements and make the city safe. He introduces his second in command, who hands Jim a ledger they’ve found. On it – we see Ed’s name against two RPGs.

Jim turns to Harvey. He and Eduardo will go after Ed. Harvey is to set up a command centre at GCPD. Harvey protests.

I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I still got some fight in me. I’m not some desk jockey – I’m a street guy

Jim says Harvey’s the best cop he knows. Ed tends to think ahead. If this goes sideways, Harvey will need to take over.

I need your help buddy

Harvey nods.

GCPD where Bruce runs into Alfred. Alfred tells him Jim isn’t there – they’ve got a strong lead in the Haven bombing. He asks Bruce what’s wrong.

Bruce tells him worriedly that he can’t find Selina anywhere. Alfred replies that Selina is capable of looking after herself. Bruce says that she’s not herself, though. Alfred pulls a face and tells him that Jeremiah deserved to die. A resentful and upset Bruce says that Jeremiah made Selina a murderer – just like Ra’s did him.

(An aside. Much like Alfred, I don’t really have a problem with Selina stabbing Jeremiah. But this is only one of many times this episode will get a bit forgetful. Selina was a murderer before she killed Jeremiah, Bruce. You were there when she shoved that guy out the window. Not that I really have any time for Alfred’s ex-army friend who stabbed him and robbed you – but Jeremiah wasn’t the first time she’s killed)

Alfred quibbles this, claiming that Ra’s goaded Bruce into murder, but Selina did what she did with open eyes

And you’ve got to learn to respect that son

Bruce wants to find her, though, and leaves – as Alfred watches.

(An aside - Eh. On one hand, yes – Selina can make her own decisions. She has autonomy. On the other hand – Selina did what she did while still struggling to cope with the trauma of Jeremiah shooting her. Alfred excusing Bruce but condemning Selina – even though he agrees Jeremiah needed to be removed – doesn’t really sit well with me. On top of all that – Selina’s endangered herself for Bruce on a number of occasions, gone out of her way to help him, in fact. She’s clearly not coping now – and leaving her to her own devices seems off to me.)

In the library, we see Ed listening to his blackout recordings. He howls with frustration, unable to establish a pattern.

It makes no sense!

He catches sight of himself in a nearby mirror

You're not a murderer, Ed. Except Kristin Kringle, and Officer Doherty.

He goes on

But all those people. And children. How could you do it? Why?

He roars

It doesn't matter – it’s you - not me

(An aside. This is really a bit of a mess. So. Am I to assume that Ed is being a massive hypocrite, and selectively editing his criminal record? Or am I to assume that Ed differentiates between murders committed by Ed and those committed by The Riddler? Maybe, that doesn’t really work here – since some of these were committed before he discovered that persona. Besides – wasn’t one of the features of his ‘becoming’ his personalities becoming fused? Or are the writers choosing to forget some of Ed’s other murders? Who knows.)

Hearing a sound, he turns. It’s Jim and Eduardo – who have arrived to arrest him. He holds his hands up defensively.

No - Jim - I can explain

Jim is taken aback.

Explain? You son of a bitch - you actually did it?

(Interesting. Although Ed’s name was in the ledger, Jim doesn’t seem to have thought that Ed was truly responsible – or didn’t want to believe it might be true.)

Eduardo tells Ed to get on his knees. That’s three Eds in this show now – not counting Ed’s many personalities. For reference, if they’re all ever in the same scene, the dog is Ed1, the lanky green one is Ed2, and beardy army guy is Ed3.

Ed protests, and says he didn't – but he needs a little bit of time

Eduardo is still pointing his gun – and tells Jim to just say the word.

Ed pleads. You know me, Jim. People that I have...hurt - they hurt me first

(Eh? There are multiple gif sets going around which show how ridiculous this remark is. Ed’s hurt plenty of people just because he wanted to.)

I didn't know a single person in Haven

Eduardo glances at Jim

Your call, buddy – he basically confessed

Ed watches carefully as Jim thinks and then decides,

Bring him in – he stands trial

We’re saying this again? What kind of court will this be? Who is the judge? Lawyers? Jury?

Ed isn’t enthused by this. He touches a book from the bookcase. Eduardo is apparently standing on pressure-plated ied. One twitch, and he’ll repaint the room with his organs. He smiles.

Jim points his gun. But apparently Ed has also devised some sort of watch that monitors changes in Ed’s heart rate if it deviates by more than 10 bpm up or down, and can cause an explosion - if necessary - from as far as a mile away. Whatever. Apparently, in a fit of sexual frustration after his recent contact with Lucius, Ed sublimated his lustful stirrings into an inventing binge.

Ed and Jim try and stare each other out a bit. Jim says Ed will be a target once news of his guilt gets out. Eduardo says he thinks Ed’s threats are bluffs. Jim says Ed doesn’t bluff. Well – there was the time with all the cops and the poison gas that turned out just to be sleeping gas, but - hey. This episode is having severe difficulties remembering details, storyline, characterisation….take your pick.

Jim lets Ed leave. Summarising because this recap is lengthy – Jim uses his cat-like reflexes to leap across the room and finds the right book to free Eduardo – whose whole take on the puzzle is that he’d like

to wring this nerd’s neck

Jim gives him a welcome to Gotham. Wanting to wring Ed’s neck is just part and parcel of visiting. He adds that the city grows on you, before contacting Harvey and telling him to put the word out: Ed is wanted for the attack on Haven

Bruce strides into Sirens, looking for Selina. A fairly happy-looking Barbara leads him towards a booth. With a flourish, she tells the crowd to raise their glasses for the killer of Jeremiah Valeska. The crowd parts, and we see Selina sitting in a booth with a group of girls. Is this the booth of Bruce’s downward spiral? Is this the ‘I am having a long dark night of the soul’ booth? Do you have to book ahead?

Selina raises her glass, but her smile is more ironic than anything else.

(An aside. Barbara seemed happy. It's hard to say whether having the killer of Jeremiah Valeska at her club is bring extra cachet, whether her one-night stand with Jim brought her some closure and happiness, or whether she and Jim are still having sex and she’s pleased about this.)

In some abandoned building, we hear a radio send out the message about Ed being wanted by the police.

A tall skinny man wearing a green suit and eyeglasses

They left out his BritPop hair.

Outside an angry mob gathers and chants. We see Ed hiding from them, before slipping off.

At City Hall, Oswald stands, flanked by his henchmen, as a visitor opens a box for him. Whatever it is seems to make him happy – and he pays the man 200 bullets in return – telling him to go have fun and keep up the good work.

As the man leaves – Oswald is brought a message

He reads aloud

Edward Nygma is the monster responsible for killing the innocents of Haven

Oswald looks incredulous for a moment, and then worried – wondering aloud,

Ed…what have you done?

The mob from earlier runs past. Ed hides – but is walloped on the side of the head.

GCPD. Eduardo tells Jim they’re pushing uptown – but there’s still no Nygma. He’s confident they’ll get him though. He then asks Jim to tell him about Scarecrow. Jim says his guys would need gasmasks – but taking him down would be a big one.

We’re on a sort of rural street. We pan up Ed’s body. I own those boots. He’s unconscious and tied to some kind of deck chair.

An older blonde woman leans in towards his face.

Time to wake up!

Forgive me – American readers. I can only tell that she sounds Southern, which I know isn’t very specific.

She tells Ed she’s the woman who will carry out his execution, along with her two boys – two men, who are sitting in a truck parked facing Ed.

They’ve basically created a makeshift electric chair. There’s a lot of whooping and laughing as they give Ed a tester jolt. He yells in pain, gasping when they stop.

The woman tells him that was only a taste. It’s fair that Ed should die to pay for JoJo, who was in Haven when Ed blew it up.

She holds up a photograph. Ed seems afraid to look at it – then bursts into laughter when he sees it’s a dog. For good measure – he calls the woman an anthropomorphizing nincompoop when she claimed that JoJo was happy and smiled often.

They give him another burst of electricity. Ed hallucinates – seeing a spiteful Oswald telling him

I'm going to fix you, Ed

Ed blinks – confused. They jolt him again. This time he sees a sincere Oswald, repeating the same phrase.

Everything stops when there’s some kind of fault with the electricity. Ed quickly spots a way to trick them and escape. In doing so – one of the men’s legs catch fire. As Ed runs off, he declares that he’ll fix Oswald.

At City Hall, we hear distant explosions. One of Oswald’s henchmen tells him that the army has invaded and men are heading this way. Oswald asks him if Nygma has been located – to which the man replies he has feelers out. Oswald tells him the first man to find him gets to live.

Turning, he tells his dog he is surrounded by morons. If he didn’t have his empire – he’d go get Nygma himself

(An aside – it’s actually something that has been frustrating about Oswald in later seasons. Season One Oswald was very mobile. He moved around a lot: think of all the places we see him. Fish’s club, Gertrud’s apartment, GCPD, Jim and Barbara’s place, Maroni’s weird lodge, Falcone’s mansion, Loeb’s house…. It helped give a sense of how he had a finger in every pie, but also how much he truly inhabited the city. He was everywhere. But after they have him empire building – he becomes much more static. He’s usually stuck in a grand house or hall, and has to send other people out to do his bidding.)

He spots that the gun on his desk has gone. He turns – and now it’s pointing at his head

It’s Ed2

(Ed gets demoted if the dog is in the same scene)

Hello Oswald. We have a great deal to talk about. But first - did you name your dog after me?

(An aside. You know – that dog is sweet, but the naming decision feels like self-indulgent fic territory. Unpopular opinion, I know – but there it is.)

At GCPD, Harvey says Nygma’s been seen at City Hall – he’s going after Oswald. Eduardo says Oswald is at the top of their list – so this sounds like a twofer

Jim says Oswald has all the ammo in town – so they need shock and awe

Eduardo says that’s his default, and asks Jim if he’s ready to go.

Jim looks a little dubious, and tells him to take Harvey. He’ll keep things locked down here

(An aside – it’s possible that Jim does this because he wants to salve Harvey’s bruised ego from earlier, although sending him to City Hall with Eduardo to face a heavily-armoured and very irritated Oswald would seem to be a bit of an over-correction of that earlier moment. It is amusing to consider, though, that Jim did not want Eduardo to witness what would likely have happened at City Hall if Jim had gone instead – i.e. Oswald wheedling his way out of a visit to the precinct, Jim telling Oswald to please be good this time, and then some emotionally vulnerable and sexually charged staring.)

At Sirens, a flippant Selina tells a serious-faced Bruce he’s killing the buzz. Bruce tells her this isn’t her. Selina smiles, and asks Bruce if he really thinks he knows her. He solemnly tells her better than she knows herself.

Selina smiles. She tells Bruce that the night his parents were murdered she watched it all and did nothing.

Her eyes fill

She says she watched

That guy shoot your father and shoot your mother and through it all - I did nothing

She lets out a laugh that turns into a sob

I didn't call for help. I didn’t scream at him to stop

Bruce tells her it wasn’t her fault – she was a scared kid. Selina tells Bruce he was the scared kid.

Bruce has teared up now too. She continues

We are not the same. I didn't do anything because I was not willing to risk my neck - because I didn’t care. That's who I was and that's who I am

A different song starts playing. Selina puts on a faux-smile and says she loves this song. A tearful Bruce watches her walk away.

Back at City Hall, an irate Ed is questioning a confused Oswald.

What did you do?

What are you talking about?

Ed is insistent

You! You are the reason I killed those people! How could you? You have made me some murderous puppet!

(Just a reminder here that when Ed found a seriously injured and traumatised Oswald in the woods, he took him home, injected him with God knows what, told him he had no option but to stay there, and rubbed his hands with glee when he figured out the best way to manipulate him to his own ends – which was through his grief for his murdered mother. You know, just while the story is touching on stuff like taking away someone’s agency, and using them for your own selfish ends.)

Ed rants that he’s spent weeks waking up strange places - driving himself mad, thinking he’d gone mad - now he knows that it’s all been Oswald’s doing

Of everything that you have put me through - this is the most cruel

(Just another reminder that - you know, while we’re discussing cruelty – Ed tried to drive Oswald insane, dug up his father’s remains, humiliated him, attempted to demonstrate that he wasn’t capable of love (so – you know – tried to completely dehumanise him), and then shot him in the gut and pushed him off the end of the pier. Just, you know, in case we’re looking for some kind of gold standard for cruelty).

Oswald blinks in confusion, and tells Ed that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Ed quotes the ‘I’ll fix you’ from his hallucination. He goes on – telling Oswald he didn’t fix him: he broke him

Realisation dawns on Oswald’s face.

Wait - I said that to you on the night the bridges blew!

He tells Ed that he saved his life. He found him and paid Hugo Strange to save him – but Hugo must have done something when he was patching him up.

Ed is incredulous. Oswald is indignant – asking him what he was supposed to do? After Butch, Ed was his only friend. Ed exclaims that he shot Butch, to which Oswald retorts that’s why he needed Ed alive.

Oswald is frustrated. He sighs and turns to him

Edward Nygma - if I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some backhanded way. If we are ever at odds again, you will know without a doubt that I am your enemy. I promise you that, as a friend.

(An aside. I have made no bones about the fact I’ve found just about everything they’ve done with this relationship over the seasons to be utterly forced - clunky and leaden. If anything ever exemplifies a lot of what I don’t like about it, it’s that moment just there. Compare how natural and nuanced almost any other interaction in this episode was in comparison with this moment. It’s self-indulgent and melodramatic in a manner usually reserved for bad fanfiction. Bear it in mind particularly when we get that lovely scene later with Bruce and Harvey, and compare the two.)

Ed considers him for a moment, then yells

What a mess! I might have killed you, Oswald. And if that day comes, I swear to you that I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.

We already saw that, Ed. Back when you shot him in the gut

Oswald nods tearfully

(An aside, something else I hate about what they’ve done with this – insta-woobie ooc Oswald)

Oswald tells him to look on the bright side. If Strange messed with his head, then Ed’s not responsible for what happened. Ed asks where to find Hugo – but the conversation is interrupted by an explosion.

One of Oswald’s men tells him that GCPD and the army have blown the gates

Oswald whispers to him

Grab Nygma - they want him, not me

(An aside – the speed with which Oswald is willing to sell Ed out is honestly hilarious)

Ed – however – has legged it, leaving a fulminating Oswald behind.

The doors to the main hall are blown open, and a smoke bomb is rolled on. Harvey and Eduardo enter. Oswald waits amidst all the smoke – probably for the drama more than anything

Why hello Harvey!

He teases him about the ammo situation last time. Harvey tells him they don’t want his territory. They want him to put down his weapons and hand over Ed Nygma.

The situation, I think, is now more about Oswald being pissed that his turf has been invaded than anything else. He tells them to leave by the time he counts to three, or he’ll shoot everyone.

Harvey stands his ground.

Oswald smiles

You’re not thinking clearly, Harvey. Maybe call your boss - see what he thinks

(An aside – Oswald is so offended that he’s even having to look at someone from GCPD who isn’t Jim. Ugh. This day just gets worse. Funnier yet is his conviction that Jim will tell Harvey to come back to GCPD and stop bothering him)

There’s a staring match. Oswald’s men all wind up shot, and Oswald is taken in to GCPD.

Ed is in Sirens - on his knees in front of Barbara. She tells him all Gotham is looking for him

He replies that he needs information – your speciality

(An aside. What? Since, like - when? When did information become Barbara’s speciality? I know she likes power and money. She’s also fond of violence and casual cruelty. But information? When was that supposed to have happened?)

Barbara says she’s going to cut his face into a jigsaw puzzle. Ed urgently asks her if he’s dumb. If – in all the years she’s known him – he’d ever done anything as brutally idiotic as this. He didn’t kill those people.

Well…. not exactly.

Barbara dismisses her guards. Ed tells her about Hugo Strange’s involvement, and how he suspects mind control. Whoever is responsible for the mind control killed those people, not him

Barbara says if by some miracle she believes him – why would she help?

Ed piques her curiosity by wondering what kind of powerful person would hire Strange and have Ed adapted in this way. He says that Barbara must know where Hugo is, and when he finds out who was responsible for the chip – he’ll share the intel. She’ll want to know, because, after all

Information is your lifeblood

Sure, whatever.

Barbara doesn’t know precisely where Hugo is, but can direct him to his Igors.

An interrogation room in GCPD. Oswald lies on his front on the floor, his lip bleeding. He looks up at Jim, who is apparently watching, and his face twists for a moment into a combination of pain and an appeal for help

For his part, Jim looks troubled. He’s not enjoying this – in fact, I would go so far as to say it looks like he can’t stomach it – but he’s tolerating it.

Jim replies to his pained look

You’re protecting a mass murderer - don't look to me for sympathy

(An aside. Yes – I ship this, but even with shipper glasses off – it’s pretty much there in the text. Oswald knows that he can appeal to Jim for sympathy. In responding to his look as he does, Jim is openly acknowledging that he would usually be a source of sympathy for Oswald. It’s an admission from them both that there are dimensions to their relationship that go well beyond cop/gangster and – more than that – an admission that they’re both aware of that)

Oswald spits blood

Fine. But not with that meat head around

Jim nods, and Eduardo leaves

Oswald laughs and rises from the floor

You know – they say you can judge man by the company he keeps

Jim retorts

This from a man who has no friends

(An aside – that sounds meaner than it actually played. It’s delivered in that slightly schoolyard tone Jim reserves for teasing Oswald – it’s not earnest or cruel. Also – as we’ve seen this season, just saw in this scene, and will see again in a moment – it’s just not true. Jim and Oswald have a relationship beyond work.

On top of that, you know – Jim – if not for the fact that Harvey is an extraordinarily forgiving man, your own friend list would have tumbleweeds blowing through it.)

Jim and Oswald take a moment to give each other a long, complicated look. This scene is full of long complicated looks. Neither of them particularly want to be in this situation, but their hands have been forced.

Oswald tells Jim that Nygma is a patsy, not a mass murderer. He likes puzzles, games, killing – but killing hundreds of people – that’s not him, Jim knows this.

Jim asks who set him up

Oswald laughs, and leans back in his chair.

Jim - you want info, I want to go home

Jim grimaces.

Eduardo’s not going to go for that.

Oswald smiles before pressing Jim’s button

I'm sorry – I thought you were in charge

Jim grimaces angrily and leans on the table

Even if I were to let you go – the army is going to come after you: things are changing in Gotham

I'll take my chances

Jim blinks. He seems, to be honest, tired and uncertain.

Do you want Nygma or not?

Jim looks at him, and then glances sidelong at where Eduardo waits outside.

Jim leaves the interrogation room and talks to Eduardo

I know where Nygma’s going

Eduardo looks at him, then past him, nudging the door to let it swing open – revealing an empty room. He looks back at Jim

I trust you know what you’re doing?

They leave to go find Ed

(An aside. Quite a complicated little scene. Neither Jim nor Oswald want to be in that room – but external forces have shoved them in there anyway.

There’s a lot of history in the looks that are going back and forth. Like I said, we have the explicit acknowledgment that Jim is likely to offer Oswald sympathy when others won’t. We also have the open admittance that Jim knows Oswald sees him as a soft touch, and that he will likely give in anyway – just not in this particular circumstance, because the destruction of Haven was such a big deal.

Oswald also knows that pressing Jim’s buttons over control and power is likely to be effective.

Last up – we have Jim obliquely warning Oswald of the danger the army poses to him. He’s not threatening him here, or trying to intimidate him. If anything, his tone is almost pleading. He doesn’t know how handle this situation. He’s asked for help – and help has finally arrived – but Jim’s not actually sure what to do with it now it’s here. Eduardo plainly told Jim that Oswald was at the top of their hit list. Jim’s response? Let him go, warn him that danger is coming.)

In some lab facility somewhere, a body slides down a hatch.

It’s Hugo!

He’s complaining that the last body he was brought was gangrenous and completely unsuitable. When he turns, though, he sees Ed pointing a gun at him

Mr Nygma

Ed want to know how he control of his alter ego. He’s rambling a little, talking about his Ed side.

A curious Hugo remarks that he is Ed Nygma.

Ed says he’s also the Riddler.

Hugo’s professional side makes a rare appearance

How interesting

He adds, though, that he knows nothing about all that. He just tinkered and inserted a chip in his brain.

Ed wants to know who requested this. Hugo says he’ll write it down, so he can truthfully say that he didn’t tell Ed who was responsible. His pen, though, contains knock-out gas – which he sprays at Ed.

Hugo says that he’s mystified as to how Ed regained any awareness – and that he’ll just have to open him up and take a look under the roof.

Bruce is at GCPD looking for Jim. Instead, he finds Harvey, working at his desk

Sorry kid – it’s just me

He quickly takes in Bruce’s obvious distress, and takes his glasses off to regard him more carefully.

You all right?

Bruce says he’s fine – just looking for Jim. He remarks that he saw soldiers downstairs, trying to make some conversation – but still seeming distracted. Harvey watches him, concerned.

Yeah, the Army's finally gotten off their asses and decided to help. Jim's out with them now. Are you sure you're all right?

A tearful Bruce says that he doesn’t know. His usual careful defences crumble.

I see people losing their will to do good. People I love. What if we don't make it out of this?

Harvey looks at him. His face is sombre.

I'm not gonna lie, kid. These past few months, I've wondered the same thing. And when I don't know what to do, I come up here and I dig into these case files. I sit my ass down and I get to work. I used to hate this kind of paperwork; now it's the only thing that keeps me going. Why? Because the little things matter. Act by act, deed by deed, it means something. Even if no one notices or cares.

Bruce listens – taking in what he says

Thanks, Harvey.

He then does the classic Batman quick exit – leaving a slightly befuddled Harvey

(An aside - This scene between Bruce and Harvey was really lovely. Bruce is tired, upset, and worried about Selina. He's lost his conviction that things will work out, and everything looks hopeless to him right now. Harvey doesn't have the answer to any of that - but he does have an honest way to go on with things: do the work. It doesn't have to be showy and praised by all and sundry. Do something useful - and know that the deed itself and the results are both worthwhile.

It was an understated scene that still got across some very big issues.

There’s the flagging of some key differences between Jim and Harvey – Jim’s need to be seen as a hero, and Harvey not sharing that same concern. There’s also insight into how someone who is as fundamentally unhappy and alone as Harvey finds a meaningful way of living. There’s also how much Harvey has changed since we first met him.

It's sweet, too, that Bruce confides in him. They don't know each other well - but he's still been a constant. Equally sweet is how Harvey talks to him. He doesn’t coddle him, or just try to cheer him up in the way that Alfred or Jim might. He’s simply honest. No platitudes, and no inspirational speech. He tells Bruce he’s just as scared as he is, and then offers him a way to deal with his fear.

Now - compare that simple moment of compassion, all the subtleties and pathos, and all the meaning it holds with the yelling and stilted dialogue at City Hall with Ed and Oswald. The difference is glaring.)

Hugo has top of Ed's skull off – pretty much like Hannibal tried to do to Will. According to Hugo, the gas he used on Ed immobilised him – but he can still feel pain. A simple reboot will fix the problem, though.

A City Hall, Oswald carries his dog along to a hatch in the floor. He carefully descends a ladder, still carrying him, and turns on a light. It’s a massive vault – full of gold and money and shiny things.

He smiles and tells the dog that the time has come for a change of scenery

I’ve said this for ages, sweetie. You’ve got all that crime money. Buy yourself a flat in Paris, another in Berlin. Florence, Athens, Barcelona…. go for it.

Back in the lab. Hugo says the electric charge must have overloaded the chip – but he’d fixed it. He will pass the good news to his handler. His smiles disappears when he realises that a gun is being held to his head.

He protests. He’s just helping a man who needs medical attention! Hugo is vile – but BD Wong is fantastic.

Jim walks round Hugo to look at Ed, whose eyes are open. Hugo petulantly says he gave him biomedical anaesthesia – and brings him round.

Ed screams in pain and then immediately protests his innocence

I told you wasn't me!

Jim tells Hugo to talk. He says a contract came along, and developed a tool – gesturing to Ed, who is indignant.

How dare you

Eduardo contacts one of his men and tells him to escort Hugo out. He leaves with a ta ta

He smirks at an incredulous Jim

Sorry pal - this part of the op is need to know

Apparently Walker – the woman Jim has been talking to one the radio – wants Ed taken out now.

Jim is puzzled – asking if Walker is behind this - controlling Nygma

Eduardo shrugs that he hates the spooks crap. He just follows orders

Jim mentions Haven – reeling from the idea that Walker might have been behind it.

Eduardo says Jim is to put a bullet in Ed's brain

Jim replies with a flat no

Eduardo tells him to call it proof of loyalty - what Walker needs to see from him before she implements the relief plan. He tries to persuade him

Look at him. He's a loon. A cop-killer.

(An aside – the strong feeling we’re getting from Jim at this point is ‘yeah – but he’s my loon’ – in the same way that this is his screwed-up home, and his tyrannical gangster. I suspect this storyline might have lasted longer had the season not been truncated – and we’d have seen Jim gradually pull away from Eduardo, the man he thought was his friend, to acknowledge that he belongs to Gotham, and has emotional ties there that he’s not willing to break.)

Jim just wants the truth: did Walker destroy Haven?

Eduardo tells him ours is not to reason why – and says this is his chance to be part of the plan.

He adds that if Jim can’t pull the trigger on Ed – I’ll pull it on you

Jim stares

You’d kill me for some bureaucrat?

Eduardo is unperturbed. There’s really not one thought rattling around in that big beardy head of his

Mission comes first - you taught me that. What's your answer?

Jim says he saved his life one too many times. He feints putting his gun down, and then runs and escapes down the hatch in the wall we saw earlier. Wheeee!

Eduardo presses a button, and orders EdBot to find Jim and kill him

EdBot immediately complies, and also goes wheeeeee down the chute.

Eduardo watches him go – secretly envious that his orders apparently don’t allow him to go wheeee too.

Aha – so this is where that absurdly beautiful image of Jeremiah came from. He’s lying down, eyes shut, in some kind of cave. We see a rock pulled aside by Ecco

Boss - wake up

Jeremiah winces as he sits up. Ecco asks sympathetically if the stitches are still sore, and tells him he should have worn the armour she made.

Jeremiah curls his lip contemptuously, and tells her the bullet is making her sentimental – she should gave it a shake. Ecco obligingly does so – and nods excitedly when he asks her if that’s better.

He tells her he had to let Selina stab him once - verisimilitude trumps precautions. Ecco nods – and says Bruce and Selina had to think he was dead. Jeremiah rolls his eyes at her summary, and comments impatiently that he takes it she has news. She replies that it’s all systems go, and they head out.

(I suppose this is essentially canon, but – wow, does Jeremiah treat his ‘girlfriend’ with contempt).

Is Jeremiah in Wayne Manor? He addresses a man in a white coat, telling the dr he’s hearing good things. The doctor tells him his assistant thought he’d like to see the results.

Jeremiah is wide-eyed as he approaches two people we can only see from behind – who look, as best as memory serves, to be Bruce's parents.

Jeremiah laughs for a second, then opens his eyes wide – and tells them they look beautiful

I just love family reunions - don't you?

Jeremiah, confronted with the problem of what gift you can buy for your billionaire crush who likely has everything, has seemingly got very creative and cloned his dead parents.

General Observations

Jim is doing a classic Jim. He's been unhappy about the situation in the city for weeks – pleading for help. But now that official help of a sort has shown up - the kind Jim should want, and should back, and should identify with - he's wobbling. He balks at the idea of shooting Ed. He had no interest in arresting Oswald, let alone any qualms about letting him go, and looked downright unhappy in the interrogation room. When push comes to shove, Jim has relationships with these people - whether he’ll acknowledge it or not

To analyse it more closely in terms of Jim's psychology - the army element plays a role too. He might talk about his time there fondly - but, ultimately, he chose to leave. When Barnes - who was father figure and army past combined - showed up, Jim barely waited until the end of his first episode before disobeying him to going off to see Oswald – leaning on their special relationship and warning him about the new regime.

He repeats that pattern again here. Jim might want to represent that kind of authority - but a part of him is always looking to buck it, too. It's part of the reason, I think, that he and Oswald are more likely to squabble during Oswald's particularly tyrannical phases.

And all of that disquiet is even before we find out that Walker is likely corrupt and dreadful.

The whole thing with Ed. Eh. I know what they’re trying to do here. The problem, for me, is that it’s not really outside the bounds of possibility that Ed could knowingly have destroyed Haven. Sure – the whole affair would have been showier, and Ed would have made some kind of speech beforehand – but still. Ed - and Barbara – actually, both watched from a high window while Gotham tore itself apart under the Tetch virus. Neither of them flinched at what they saw.

It’s weird – because you don’t need to downplay Ed’s capacity for sadistic violence in order to also entertain the notion that part of him might be horrified by it. That, after all, is a crucial part of his characterisation: that he is frequently fractured, with various facets of his personality more or less dominant. In season one, we saw that certain aspects of his personality were almost completely suppressed. Later, we saw the season one version of him humiliated and berated by darker aspects of his personality, as well as horrified by what it had him do when it ‘took over’.

So – you can have your cake and eat it really – you can have a character who is capable of dreadful things, as well as the tragedy that some drowned part of him is horrified and disgusted by what he has done, and simply endures it with no ability to speak up. That would work with Ed’s extreme rage and fear at the loss of control he’s been enduring.

What doesn’t work, though, is retconning him to be a better person than he is. I’ve watched Ed torture because he enjoyed it. Kill because he felt like it. I’m not entirely sure I buy that he’d be horrified by what happened to Haven.

Miscellaneous

I have no idea whether Selina knows about Tabitha yet. She must – it makes no sense that she wouldn’t – but there was no indication of her reaction to that.

Similarly – I don’t really understand why no-one has said a word about Lee yet. I’m guessing it’s because we’re simply not ‘there’ yet in the story – but it makes no logical sense.

Alfred said a lot that was true about respecting Selina’s decision, but – ultimately- his advice to leave Selina alone simply comes off as callous.

Lucius must have had a day off today.

#gotham commentary #pena dura #gotham s5e05

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things-i-want-2-tell-u-but-cant · 6 years ago

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12/12/18 - 9.39 pm

I’m broken and numb. My mind is fuzzy, my stomach is in knots and I feel sick. I don’t know what to think, feel or do. Everything is up in the air and I hate it. I hate all of this.

After 7 months with you, going on 8, I never expected us to be in this position. Tip toeing around our problems, hurting each other. I have never been so unhappy as I have been this past month. And don’t think I’m blaming this on you, because I’m not. I know I am just as much to blame, if not more. After our talk on Friday I’ve realised that a lot of our problems have come from me. I say things expecting you to realise what I’m meaning, when you take everything at face value and dont read into anything. Which, I would say is probably the only cause of our problems really... and for that I am so fucking sorry. My heart is literally aching thinking about everything I’ve caused.

You’ve told me before that I need to be honest, and to tell you things - the reason you’re perspective has changed. And that I understand, but I hope you can see things from my side and see my reasoning behind why I can’t. The truth is I’m terrified. As it is, I don’t know what you want. And I feel like if I tell you the truth and how I’m feeling... I’ll ruin every chance with you and you’re going to leave if you don’t like what I have to say. And I know that probably won’t happen. But at the moment I feel like I am gripping onto us by a thread.

Which is where the whole things with other girls come in. It is true, I did tell you that it was okay to see other people. But I didn’t actually mean it in a sense. When I found out that you were talking to Khadra and that it seemed more than I thought it was... I was hurt. My heart broke and my stomach dropped. Truth be told, I knew the whole day while you were at my house on Sunday, I just didn’t want to let you know it effected me so much. But from that, I instantly felt like I wasn’t enough for you. You already had told me you wanted nothing from me but a friendship, you had been messaging girls on tinder asking to meet up and god knows what else... so thats why I said it was okay. Because after saying that you would either tell me you didn’t want to - and tell me I was enough for you.... or you would go to other chicks and prove that you didn’t want me at all... which unfortunately is what happened. And in my mind I already don’t feel good enough. So instantly all I could see was that you had found someone skinnier, prettier funnier and probably nicer than me. And that hurt. I’m not blaming it on you at all either, I just wanted to explain the reasoning behind why I said it and then got so upset by it all - its 100% still my fault it happened.

Another thing I accept is that my type of communication is not the best. I struggle a lot to be able to say what I’m thinking - like forming the words is really hard for me and something I struggle with a lot. I generally have so much going on in my head that the only way I can make it make sense is by writing it all down - which is why I generally send you long messages like this haha (SORRY). But yeah so thats why it also may seem like I may hold back. Just know, it isn’t because I dont want you to know, its because Im literally just overwhelmed by emotion and I can’t make sense of it until I am able to sit down and write it all down. If i dont it literally will take me days to realise what the fuck is going on haha. But if you decide to take a shot on me - I’ve got a way around this dont you worry!

I apologize for everything I have said to you the past week - I know some of it would have been hard to hear and probably hurt you.. I didn’t intend on that. I think I’ve just been hurting for so long, I couldn’t it anymore. The truth is, I don’t think I can do the just friends thing. I tried my hardest, I really did. But at the end of the day I love you. And i know you don’t feel the same. But I just can’t sit there while I’m just “one of the boys” to you and I consider you to be my whole word (little bit of an exaggeration but ya get my point).

You told me that I need to look at myself in a more positive light... And I get that. But one part of that is realizing I deserve better than just to be some girl who sits there waiting on a man she loves hand and foot while Theres a good chance that he could be fucking some other girl the whole time without her knowing. And I know that’s probably dramatic in your eyes. But I’ve spent so many years of my life doing this for other guys. I sit around, giving them my all, only to get sidelined and used as a toy when theyre bored or in between girlfriends. I love you with all of my heart but I don’t want to go back to that. To feeling useless and worthless.

So the choice is yours. I don’t expect you to come up with an answer within a day. You can take as long as you want or need. But before you do. Theres some things I need you to know.

Firstly, I know you’re used to people leaving. But i swear to you, that isn’t going to happen with me. If anything, the past few weeks have proved that. Even in the hardest of times, like the past month, I will choose you. I will fight for you the whole way through, and never ever give up on you if you let me. And I also know, that its also YOU having to leave which scares you. But i hope you get that if we’re together, I would go with you as soon as I could. And until that day I would save every cent I had to be able to visit you every chance I have. I would call you every day. I would do everything I could to stick by your side. Because I know you haven’t had much of a chance to have someone do that, to have someone that stays by your side no matter what happens and no matter what the distance. But i promise you, if given the chance, I would do that all for you and so much more. Because, believe it or not I have the same fear. You’re the only person who has stayed... everyone else, even my friends has given up on me. Even my family. When i moved up to Auckland I literally went 6 months without once seeing my mum. So i know what its like for people to be ripped away from you or to leave your life.. and I would never ever put you through that. I’m sticking with ya until the day you tell me youre done.

I also need you to know that it’s okay. You have this strong fear associated with me. You’re so worried and scared that you’re going to hurt me or fuck my life up. And because of that you hold me at arms length. Every time you let me close and become vulnerable, you push me away and go back to wanting nothing to do with me. I know you think you’re a mess. That could be true, but fuck. Look at me, I’m the biggest mess of them all. But that doesn’t mean anything. It doesnt mean you dont deserve love, it doesnt mean you’re going to hurt everyone in you’re life who gets close to you. We have a lot to still learn about ourselves, and thats okay. But I need you to know that I’m willing to go through that all with you. We’ve grown so much as people in the last 7 months, just imagine what we can achieve with more time. And if you haven’t fucked my life up by now, I’m pretty sure that it won’t happen considering I’m growing stronger every day.

And that’s another thing. I still don’t think you believe how much you mean to me. Like Tira and I constantly told you on Friday but you wouldn’t accept it. And I think the one thing that highlights that, is the fact that after feeling the way I’ve been feeling and after everything, I’m still here. Even when I said we were done - I couldnt help but message you everyday. I was constantly wondering if you were okay, etc. You’re the first person I’ve even done this with, trying to talk everything out. Usually I would give up and just walk away. But with you... I can’t.

I know I probably sound fucking crazy (my bad if i do), I just love you.

I love the fact that you can write a rap in less than an hour - and a fucking good rap at that. I love the way you get self conscious and shy when you tell me about the things you like or find funny and always do the typical “hahhahaha nah i dont know”. I love the way you’re starting to open up to me, like on Sunday morning telling me about your childhood and your songs. I love the way even when you thought you hated me, you still went out of your way to check if I was alright. I love the way how you always put me first - like you were so mad and upset on Sunday morning but as soon as you saw I was crying you like melted and were so kind to me. I love the way I feel so comfortable at youre house, like ugh, I adore your mum shes so lovely. I love the way you make me feel at home, something I haven’t felt since I was year 6. I love the way you believe in me more than anyone else i know, and even when we’re not in a good space, you still stand up for me. Theres not one thing I don’t love about you, apart from you’re farts, those are raaank. But at the end of the day what I’m trying to say is there isn’t anything you could do that would make me hate you. We’re young, we have so much to learn about ourselves and each other. There are going to be days when we want to kill each other. Theres days where we may hurt each other. But I know for a fact, that we care for each other so much, and only want the best for each other. I just idunno, I’ve spent over half a year with you... and ive enjoyed myself so much it feels like its only been about 3 months. I wouldnt have wanted to spend the time with anyone else and im so greatful and appreciative of you.

I’m not asking you for the world. I’m not expecting you to want to be in a relationship with me and start calling me you’re girlfriend over night. Thats unrealistic. But for me, It’s more a choice of whether you want to pursue other girls like khadra, megan and morgan. Or you want to delete your tinder, and give us a shot. We can still start off as friends. We dont have to have sex, or kiss or hold hands - i mean i love doing all of that and would do it in a heartbeat. But what im trying to say is I dont have any expectations. I just want to know if you’re willing to take a shot on me and not flirt with other girls, etc.... or if I should do everything in my power to move on from you and let you be...

Either way, just know that you’re an amazing person. you deserve the absolute world and the best love the world can give. And i’m sorry if you dont think I can give that to you

hope work isnt too bad tomorrow! Wish you were coming to graduation with me - Im going to miss you. LY xx

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therewas-a-girl · 8 years ago

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i was sitting here, thinking:

so first, we have the break up last year framed as if oliver was ‘’’’caught’’’’ between two ‘’’’impossible’’’’ choices, even though the narrative was so flawed and hole-ridden that its logic did nto hold up to the faintest breeze. and that he was basically set up to lose everything either way and felicity punished him for this impossible choice by leaving him, and the narrative punished him further by making him lose fucking everything, and making us feel bad for him. while framing felicity’s choice in zero context from her pov.

all the while, it feels like her choices have to be defended, because the show doesn’t bother to do so with even a fraction of the the same amount of time it uses on oliver. this in the end, amounts to felicity being portrayed as unfair on oliver.

i never thought so - but the show did, and that is what id fed me, and reinforced with her apology in 5.20

but there is something else that bugs me.

so felicity had sex with oliver, then told him she couldn’t be with him, that it didn’t change anything, because the real problem between them hadn’t changed. that she felt he didn’t trust her.

then after this, she tells him she’s sorry she walked without giving them the chance to hash it out - that she wasn’t ready for that right now. (which i understand btw. i understand that her understanding this is actually character development for her, and that she is emotionally aware enough to get this about herself.) BUT... wouldn’t talking about it give Oliver the chance to show her that maybe he does trust her. that something has changed?

i just don’t see the logic. she wants to have his full trust but she cant even talk about what happened with them yet. which translates in, she wants something but she isn’t ready for it?

i would get that, but i think that’s me trying to rationalize a stupid choice of the writers, that dont rly care about the character making sense, but that bend felicity’s choices to their plot.

then, she seemingly is never ready and tries to move on with billy. (im so rageful over this oh my god because it doesnt make narrative sense at all - billy i mean. and just for the record, i liked the guy - which is why im so angry that he was just there because prometheus needed to frame olvier into killing him. aka another felicity line of narrative that is about oliver. its becoming increasingly clear - the way the story itself is set up proves this) without ever hashing things out with oliver or even telling him that ‘look here my dude, i know we left things up in the air in the summer, but im really never gonna be ready for that talk and i really think we should close this deal, cause i cant do it.’

but she did not do that. because that makes perfect sense. felicity ‘i am so confrontational that i cant wait five minutes for the party to be over to ask you about why you haven't proposed, and i cant give you space even though i know you yourself just found out about your kid’ smoak. that felicity smoak... doesn’t face oliver about this new resolution she made. doesn’t tell him. cause she is now, apparently, just as much non-confrontational as oliver is about all emotionally difficult decisions.

where is the consistency, i just can’t find it. ‘am i missing the point or is it not there’: a saga on me and arrow’s writing.

dont even get me started on the fact that this whole s5 arc was built around felicity losing billy and her reaction to THAT, instead of... idk, acknowledging the trauma and the hurt that she has been through, acknowledging its effect on her, on her understanding of the world, on the way she now makes her choices; acknowledging that she might have the PTSD that these fuckers advertised shamelessly and that was never shown.

no... it’s just because of billy and the fact that he died.

which is horrible that he did, but its also really fucking reductive of felicity’s feelings over it all - over everything. her shooting, her being shoved in a gas chamber, her losing a dear friend, her losing her father again, her feeling responsible for thousands of deaths.

and then i see people being angry that this was about billy because - why billy right? he was insignificant! why couldn’t her emotional collapse onto herself, her isolation and change have been about OLIVER instead!!!!

like... do people even see felicity at all?

i have no words. none.

at the beginning of s5b, i was linked to an article promising felicity’s arc and its importance and how great it would be for her character. how important it would be for arrow this season - and i said to the friends who linked me that i was cautious, because i know how arrow works. arrow seemed to prove me wrong till 5.20, and i felt so fucking good to be wrong. it felt wonderful.

and then 5.20 happened

im just sitting here wondering, does that ^ -- the dismissal of felicity’s arc as sth caused by ‘i lost my brand new bf pain’ and her change built on this flimsy excuse just so that she could tell oliver ‘yeah sorry, i judged you, you made the right call in doing what you did, i totally understand that now’, basically PROVING that that is how arrow sees their relationship... - proving that the whole framing of the break up in s4 as felicity being a non-compromising, blind judgmental douche and oliver being the one who was being punished for something he had no choice on; this whole thing was in fact, not accidental or a poor execution, but deliberate. ... -- does that really upset nobody, just because we have softcore porn images of olicity kissing?

i saw no even ground between oliver and felicity in 5.20. i saw felicity’s potential emotional depth being skewed and felicity admitting to all the blame in their break up.

meaning that all that fantasizing i did about these two people being people that made mistakes - its not a lie, exactly. but it’s not the narrative the show supports. it’s simply not.

‘arrow’s’ narrative is - - felicity was wrong. she wasn’t emotionally mature enough, she hadn’t gone through enough ‘emotional pain/suffering’ to really be on oliver’s level, to really understand his choices, his reasons. she wasn't his equal. and she needed to be hurt and lost and alone so that she could understand him. felicity smoak, as she is, as she was conceived to be, is not enough, you see, for the emotionally complicated hero.

and this whole thing.. i wish i was smart enough to put into words why this kind of vision repulses me so. it reminds me of this article i read once about how fundamentally differently women and men gain their hero status in stories. how women are not allowed to just find the magic sword and go on an adventure. there has to be pain involved. and not the kind of pain that means you’re going places - but debasement, humiliation. negation of the identity the woman has, in order to grasp at something ‘higher’, something ‘more’ that she was not. some expansion of her mind that she was not capable of before.

i find it so alienating, i cant even put it into words.

it makes me feel the same way reading joss wheadon’s idea of the wonder woman movie made me feel: dirty.

#personal #felicity smoak #felicity smoak thoughts #arrow thoughts #arrow criticism #i still cant put the full measure of my thoughts into words and how angry and disspointed i am #but i will never FUCKING NEVER be here for that kind of narrative. ever. fuck that shit.#SHITE #for the record - i dont care that oliver didnt explicitly apologize. i dont need him to do that. its not about that.#i care that felicity had to #and teh message that sends and teh way it frames both their actions.

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nyaruhodou · 8 years ago

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group 2

Indatha, 23, is a pansexual court jester, and she throws so much shade, its crazy. shes also very quick to make fun of herself. shes Indian and has long, curly black hair and a big nose. she loves her big nose because she says it brings more attention, and she loves getting attention. she is super loyal to her friends, and is always saying "fight me" to people she doesnt like. almost always whistling or humming some tavern song. She is employed by King Takrael, of the Zhrinoch family. By chance, Indatha was the only resident of the castle that escaped an attack by the Mestril family, a curse that put everyone affected into a comatose state. So Indatha has to figure out a way to reverse the curse, which involves some disguising and infiltration. Genalyn, 23, is a lesbian lady-in-waiting for Princess Falna, of the Mestril family. The Mestril Family lives a very Spartan lifestyle, with only the barest necessities, and a focus on military power and intellectual progress. As such, shes never really been exposed to art of any kind, and is almost always expressionless. Shes super good at negotiations and diplomacy though, a talent she discovered after leaving with Indatha to save the Zhrinoch court. With Indatha, she learns to see beauty in art and poetry. She also learns a few bawdys along the way. She and Indatha eventually get married :')Fin'ellis, about 10 years old, is a hispanic, nonbinary orphan. They make money as a con artist, and actually rakes in quite a large amount of cash bc theyre super good at it. They first met Indatha in the forest, and she was hopelessly lost. They pretended to help lead her to the nearest town, but actually just stole her money. Anyways, they meet again after Indatha and Genalyn run away from the Mestril castle. She and Fin'ellis Do Not Like each other. Indatha always tries to be a responsible, caring adult, but Fin'ellis has a superiority complex and insults Indatha so much that its just mean, instead of funny. The thing is, Fin'ellis is super jealous of Indatha. They can see that Indatha and Genalyn are falling in love, but they also have a big crush on Genalyn. Anyways, Fin'ellis is also deeply curious about everything, and is very touchy. They learn using their senses, which proves to be... a problem, later on. Nowix, about 145 years old, is a black trans male Envion, basically a race of semi-humans who summon energy to perform transformative works. The types of Envions are Light Envions, who can perform transformative works on living things (usually for healing, though there are other uses), as well as Dark Envions, who perform transformative acts on inanimate things. Nowix is a Dark Envion, but that didn't stop him from attempting to magically change his biological sex. He did this when he was 20, and has been in a wheelchair ever since. He's not really traumatized about it- hey, it kinda worked in the end, plus now there are Light Envions who will safely help people transition- but he is a little pissed off that his movement is so limited. He is incredibly adventurous, even at his old age, and is always on the quest for thrills. He acts as the "mentor figure" in the story, but he isbt really of much help. Nowix only remembers stuff that he thought was exciting, and he is also a bit out of it in general. he has a giant cat whos job is to stop him from doing stupid shit (he tries to do it anyways). Indatha really looks up to him, though, because he is honestly hilarious, and knows some very old gossip that actually pertains to the main issue at hand.thank you~

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necromilk · 8 years ago

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Oc hard mode, ulric - multiples of 3, xena - multiples of 4, modern urban fantasy hot snake hair dude - multiples of 2

SO MUCH!!!!

Ulric

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

hah if by father you mean the man who raised him, he was p much ignored save for the attention he would get when he dad could make money betting on him. as for his bio dad-the guy died before ulric was even born

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

a lot of stuff with self harm, drowning, his mother…

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

hmmm, when hes older and married, yes its a lot better than when he was younger/couch surfing when older

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

sleeping in the same bed with someone, doesnt even need to be sex, just having other person there with him is grounding

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

not at all with either, he didn’t really grow up with much so there wasn’t much to want or form attachments to as far as material things, and money isnt really something he ever concerns over

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

as somewhat of an ambitious person, he does admire wisdom as an extension of intelligence

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

he usually tends to blame himself, cuz he knows hes a huge fuckup

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

he is literally a dog and will trust anyone first unless they prove they are untrustworthy

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

will immediately apologize for whatever he did cuz he knows he likely did some shit

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

lmfao his face

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

when it comes to skills or practices, hes more willing to improve, but when it comes to his personal appearance, he gets self deprecating

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

ulric really tries to like everyone, he does, but there are some things he can’t agree with and he will still be civil and kind but will try to avoid them if he can

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

lmfao B)

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

his future husband’s father, yes

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

death is terrifying to him, so he always tries to live as much as he can–but he was never religious so he doesn’t think there is anything afterwards

Xena

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

maybe not witnessed but he was bullied alot growing up and it did make him a lot meeker, and his moms both knew he was being harassed and did try to help all they could

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

is very much a pacifist and wouldn’t touch a gun if he didn’t have to

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

probably when he is at home with his moms, spending time with them, baking or watching movies

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

to xena, happiness is life’s ultimate success

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

he doesn’t compare himself to others so much, he knows everyone is different but he can admire others for qualities he doesn’t have

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

is a bit more hesitant to trust someone, but can with a build up over time, but tends to trust fem-identified people more than the other side of the gender spectrum

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

literally not at all and would have a hard time fighting back if it ever did get physical

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

in any situation when hes in a place completely male populated

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

avoids them, a lot shyer or quiet if he has to converse w them

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

he is always polite but tries so hard to not be the awful customer usually

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

super hard and p much never does it ever, the only people he has ever said I love you to are his moms

Cobra King (aka hot snake man)

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

he is one of a lot of siblings, so his mother has only so much time to give each of her children, but she was his mother and he respected her as that authority in his life

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

when he was younger, no surprise that he probably witnessed someone he knew dying at the hands of a human, growing up learning to avoid them bc they were dangerous, seeing that only cemented those ideals

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

he doesn’t really dream much, but if he does its often dreaming of his childhood, when things were simpler

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

ofc, he is a cop but likely worked with guns before he became a cop, so it was likely someone he had a disagreement with and it escalated, but no one was hurt, likely just fired the gun to intimidate

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

he feels like he can blend in better with more clothes on, but prefers to wear less otherwise it starts to bother his skin after so long

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

probably just sleeping at home, bundled in blankets to keep warm

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

hes pretty good with names, since he always wears sunglasses, it makes the face thing a little more of a challenge

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

he believes success is the best way to happiness

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

more so ambition because it’s not really a trait he sees around much anymore

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

he doens’t compare himself to others, but if he does, its always to improve himself

What does your character like in other people?

he likes people who are firm in their beliefs, but can still admit when they’re wrong and keeping an open mind

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

he really has to know you and been through some shit to say that, its a pretty big deal to him

How does your character behave around children?

isn’t the most socially apt at dealing with kids, but obviously isn’t gonna be a dick

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

he tends to think more than act, so he would only resort to violence if it was necessary or in self-defense

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

lmao generally all mankind

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

stuck in some confined space with a human

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

if something doesn’t work the first time, there isn’t much sense in trying it again

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

is v much able to vocalize his dislike and has no shame in that and will not apologize for his opinions

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

depends on the situation, if its something universally threatening, he would remove it, but if it were more so a personal problem, he would just remove himself

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

he is technically in a service job, but it really depends on how people treat him first

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

hes had mentors over his many years of living that have helped better discover himself

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

its something he has never actually said before? maybe once to his mother, but king is the most affectionate or openly emotional person

#my ocs #oc asks #ulric #xena #modern urban fantasy #snake guy #cobra king

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thesquidwizard · 3 years ago

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I was told reading Philosophical problems with blah blah blah would answer why making 500 genders would solve gender stereotypes I am petty and affable so I read it

If you want my opinions and my mind slowly melting i am kindly putting this under a read more cuz its fucking long as shit

the TLDR is : this drivel doesnt mention the problems of gender stereotypes or neogenders at all its just some guy wanking on why women need to give up their spaces because he thinks their wrong and annoying ( Kathleen Stock especially)

I’d love to @ you lake-lady, but you blocked me for thought crimes and im to lazy to try to get around that ( if you actually read this before recommending it to me, you are very very strong and very very brainwashed)

the first 14 paragraphs are circle talk "GC feminists are wrong, i will prove their wrong, they think "this" it is wrong ill prove its wrong etc etc etc" if you survive that that, They focus on Kathleen Stock in their words "Stock presents an articulate, relatively comprehensive, and moderate form of gender-critical feminism" first: If Margie’s self-diagnosis (“I’m a boy”) is questioned by the therapist, the therapist can be construed as . . . “converting” . . . a trans child to a “cis” one. If, on the other hand, Margie’s self-diagnosis is affirmed unquestioningly, the therapist is effectively failing to affirm Margie in a sexual orientation of lesbianism; something which also looks like conversion by omission. (Stock, 2018e) -They spend 5 paragraphs explaining why Stocks hypothetical girl^ isnt converted to male heterosexualness by transitioning, and not affirming Marges Gender identity is Dangerous They do not address Stocks ACTUAL concern that Gender Affirming Therapy without any kind of therapy and research on GNC and SSA children is conversion by omission because it doesnt take into account if these feelings stem from gender stereotypes and homophobia. Stocks is not concerned that you are converting this girl straight( sex is real she would be SSA either way) she is concerned your transitioning her without affirming her sexuality and giving her support in the knowledge that being a lesbian is okay and perfectly normal.-

Next: concern about female-only spaces is about legal self-identification without any period of “living as a woman,” prior male socialisation in a way which exacerbates the tendency to violence against female bodies, and the fact that many self-identifying trans women . . . retain both male genitalia and a sexual orientation towards females. (stock) If the evidence shows (as, in fact, it is already showing) that some males—whether genuinely “truly” trans or just pretending—turn out to pose a threat to females, and it’s really hard to tell in advance which ones will, can’t we then make a social norm and/or law to exclude all [natal] males from female-only spaces . . . ? (also stock)

-Quotes are separated by garbage but this whole section is what we have all seen before " why must trans woman suffer, just because cis men hurt woman" except its really long it acknowledges male violence rates but refuses to acknowledge we have already seen men (and identified transwoman) taking advantage to hurt woman. This whole chunk is just SOME woman must be sacrificed for Trans feelings-

They do put: Finally, we know that some men who come into contact with children in their work will offend against them. Yet we do not exclude all men from working with children, even if using gender as a watershed would prevent those offenses. Why does the good of minimizing child sexual abuse not lead us inexorably to the conclusion that we must outlaw all male teachers and coaches? Because our practical reason recognizes complexity: We readily see that even the most highly desirable states of affairs (minimizing abuse of children) do not have simple, quasi-mechanistic implications for policy or decision-making, and that they do not justify the indiscriminate suppression of other goods (even less important ones, such as professional vocations).

-And id like to add with the rise in pedo crimes I am 100% down with separating men from children because i do not think any child should be endangered just to keep men in jobs.-

They also put this quote in:

there is clearly a difference between the experience of a child who is treated by others in way that are characteristic of boys and also feels like a boy, and a child who is treated by others in ways that are characteristic of boys whilst feeling that they are really a girl. (Finlayson et al., 2018)

-And are you sure? are you really sure? I feel like there might be differences between social conditioning, experience and feelings. A boy treated like a boy and a boy(who feels like a girl) treated like a boy are still experiencing being treated and raised like a boy?? one just has emotional differences (is it internalized homophobia, Gender non conformity, a developed fetish?? who knows but they still experienced boyhood)-

-Next section says we cant make single stall or any other kind of netrual or trans bathrooms because its to hard? and it hurts trans feels reminding them that they have birth sexes because thats hate speech???-

also this: Our social world is arranged in a way that makes exclusion from the sex/gender they claim—on the basis of a lack of “authentic” belonging (Serano, 2007)—central to trans subordination. As with other forms of social subordination, trans exclusion has not only material dimensions (Blair & Hoskin, 2018; Hargie et al., 2017; Moolchaem et al., 2015; Movement Advancement Project and GLSEN, 2017; Rondón Garcia & Martin Romero, 2016; Serano, 2013; Stonewall, n.d.; Yona, 2015), but also discursive ones that work in accordance with the logic of so-called performatives. Performatives are utterances that do things with words: specifically, they accomplish something in the act of saying it (Austin, 1975). The classical example is marriage—in the act of declaring a couple married, a celebrant brings about a change in their normative status, provided the celebrant is the right person in the right circumstances. This presupposes a normative background (that is a set of laws, conventions, or other rules) governing all those matters: who qualifies as a legitimate celebrant, what the right circumstances are for the performative to do its work, what marriage status means in terms of spouses’ rights and obligations, etc.

-Celebrating a Marriage is celebrating a couples chosen form of representing their relationship publicly and adding each other to their legal family, how is that the same as letting men into woman's bathrooms because they have feelings??-

-Theres more babblery about subjugating trans people by not pretending biology is fake, and that saying they cant just taking womans rights and spaces is denying their reality and existence we find out the author is a gay(cis) man so why does he have opinions on womans spaces and issues who fucking knows ( he really likes the word unintelligible)-

-Im tired, Ive taken several breaks just to stay clear headed( mildly sane) and now we are onto why Trans inclusive practices dont threaten the concept of female, male, lesbian and gay. Okay buddy ole pal bring it on-

Stock (2018b) has also argued that trans inclusion on the ground of self-identification/declaration threatens “a secure understanding” of concepts intimately related to “woman”—namely, “female” and “lesbian.” It is hard to see this threat as a real one. After all, conceptually, “trans maleness” and “trans femaleness” presuppose “cis maleness” and “cis femaleness” as their other—namely, the case of female and male for which no transition, no reaching across, is required: the case of femaleness and maleness already on this side of (= “cis”) their sex.

-At some point i expect to find out Stock implied his dick is tiny or something " gender crit feminists are wrong im gonna argue with just this one" In this section he manages to be long winded and say nothing have a taste:

Stock (2019b) argues, correctly, that “sex [i.e., maleness and femaleness] is not determined by any single, unitary set of essential criteria,” and that “there is no single set of features a person must have in order to count as male or female.” She goes on to state that: (a) “you do still need to possess some” female (biological) sex characteristics to count as female; (b) that this is “a real, material condition upon sex-category-membership”; and (c) that “medical professionals [assigning sex]. . . rely upon an established methodology, aimed at capturing pre-existing biological facts” (Stock 2019b). Stock presents (a), (b), and (c) as if they were true without qualification. In fact, they only describe how, for very legitimate reasons, sex is understood and assigned within the discourses of biology and medicine; but our everyday usages of “male” and “female” may well be more capacious. It does not follow, of course, that there is no connection at all between these discursive domains—biology and the everyday. Rather, something like the biological meaning of “male” and “female” refer to the central cases of “male” and “female” as those terms feature in everyday usages. But those usages, if trans-inclusive (as they should be), will also cover, legitimately and usefully, noncentral cases of those selfsame terms.

-Yes you need to be female to be female, it doesnt matter what you look like how much you weigh your hobbies or tastes you just need to be female. Observed Biology is observed not assigned we dont pop out blank slates until someone says "ya this ones a girl"-

There really is no good reason to fear that such trans-inclusive practices will imperil “maleness” and “femaleness” as concepts. It is the very fact that those concepts have and will retain central cases that puts to rest any such fear. What makes something like the biological meanings of “male” and “female” the central cases of everyday usages of those words is “[o]rdinary-life truth seeking, a certain level of which is essential for survival”; this “involves a swift instinctive testing of innumerable kinds of coherence against innumerable kinds of extra-linguistic data” (Murdoch, 1992). Reproduction is a key aspect of human experience: The existence of each of us and the perpetuation of the human species presuppose it. The extra-linguistic reality of the dioecious configuration of human bodies, which is functional to human reproduction, means both that the concept of “female” and “male” are here to stay, and that their central cases will remain well-understood, even after we give up on trans-exclusionary attitudes, practices, and policies. To put it another way: trans-inclusive linguistic usages, policies, and so on, cannot threaten the distinction between the concepts of “male” and “female,” which hinges on the nondisposability of the central cases of those concepts.

For similar reasons, it is difficult to agree with Stock that characterizing as “gay” trans men attracted to men, and as “lesbian” trans women attracted to women, “leaves us with no linguistic resources to talk about that form of sexual orientation that continues to arouse the distinctive kind of bigotry known as homophobia” (Stock, 2019d). After all, our linguistic conventions make cissexual womanhood and manhood the central or paradigmatic cases of “womanhood” and “manhood”; cissexual (though not necessarily gender-conforming) lesbianism and male homosexuality the central or paradigmatic cases of “lesbianism” and “male homosexuality,” and so on. This will not change. First because of the prevalence of cissexual women/men and cissexual lesbians/gay men, in terms of sheer numbers, relative to trans women/men and trans lesbians/gay men. Second, because of the ways in which the concepts of “man,” “woman,” “gay,” “lesbian,” “cis,” and “trans” sit together with the concepts of “male” and “female,” which reference an extra-linguistic reality, of which, as we have already seen, we cannot but take notice. Given these linguistic and empirical facts, a trans-inclusive use of the terms “lesbian” and “gay” does not carry the dangers Stock (2019d) worries about.

-I keep going back and checking the date this was published in 2020 clearly this man has neither been online except to stalk Stock, nor talked to a human who actually believes what he is arguing against. No one is mad at transwoman for liking woman or vise versa its the kind of woman and men they go after and EXPECT romance and validation from ( ie lesbians and gay men, ie threatening what lesbian and gay mean in "inclusive" climates) fucking knob.-

I dunno if this is translated or the writer isnt english but he keeps using subordination where "opression" would be used and umm. anyway onto "Overemphasizing Sex-Based Subordination"

first he explains the difference between paranoid and paranoid structuralism there is so much fucking bullshit then we get to some quotes! that are bullshit-

Even assuming that the socialization of trans girls mirrors that of cis boys, the fact that trans girls do not identify with maleness can be expected to make a difference to the outcomes of such socialization (Finlayson et al., 2018).

-this guys back, love this guy doesnt know you dont fucking socialize yourself-

It is a mistake to treat “violence and discrimination against trans women . . . as if it were unconnected to that faced by cis women” (Finlayson et al., 2018).

-Finlayson marry me your so smart, that big brain of yours is sooo sexy. Anyway transwoman and "cis" woman face violence from the same people.. Men. but it is not for the same reasons and most transwoman who face violence are brown and black sex workers( if your gonna care go wholesys not halfseys). As opposed to woman who face violence no matter their class, race, nationality, age.. etc etc etc-

Saying “Not giving people everything they desire is not a denial of their humanity” (Allen et al., 2019) amounts to an insensitive dismissal of the serious argument that trans exclusion is ipso facto harmful.

-I want an affordable home and access to food and water whenever i am hungry, you want me to pretend reality doesnt exist so your feefees dont get hurt-

The claim that women “are a culturally subordinated group . . . [while] at best, trans women are a distinct subordinated group; at worst . . . members of the dominant group” entirely discounts the ways in which sex, gender, and cis/trans status intersect. These intersections produce more complex, shifting, and context-dependent power relationships than are captured by the M > F formula.

-Sex based oppression is actually like jello, sometimes woman are less oppressed or oppressed slightly more to the left, I too can just kinda say words-

A dubious assumption underlies this statement: “[T]he fact that our concept-application [of, e.g., ‘woman’] might indirectly convey disadvantage towards some social groups [e.g., trans women] is not itself a reason to criticise the concept use, because the concept use has a further valuable point” (such as “to pick out a distinctive group, relative to recognisably important interests”) (Stock, 2019e). The dubious assumption here is that the “valuable point” of a restrictive use of the concept will be lost if the concept is broadened. The assumption is dubious because even in its broad, inclusive use, the concept retains a readily identifiable central case.

-Yes you dunder head if we start calling lizards mammals we lose the point of what makes a mammal a mammal, which complicates and endangers our way of researching and understanding mammals by making woman "whoever the fucks wants to be one" we loss the ability to easily talk about things that are exclusive to woman the more female language is edified the harder it is for females to unite to talk about womans issues, womans health, girls puberty, womans oppression etc etc.-

-my fuck i dont even care to learn this mans name and i have a personal hatred just for him, i hope ya'll have noticed he uses several different "sources" for his arguments and yet pins GC feminism on Stock alone. Anyway here we go into Doing Philosophy and Debating Policy in the Age of Social Media and Digital Platforms ( i think this man nuts every time he types out philosophy)-

my god we have brough Plato into this, Stocks must stand alone but we are at fucking plato, anyway this section actually has some brains in it there drivel but also truth:

Needless to say, in real-world face-to-face exchanges, unalloyed communicative action is known only by approximation. But there are very good reasons to think that the distance between the ideal (namely, communicative action) and the real is especially wide in the context of the quasi-spoken digital media used to construct (and respond to) the gender-critical case against trans inclusion. Stock (2019f) herself, discussing the reception of her arguments, has complained about countless “half-arsed takedown attempts” by “online philosophers,” crediting, conversely, philosophers she meets offline with “interesting, constructive, and charitable” objections. She also notes that social media siphons “users into paranoid, angry silos” (Stock, 2019d), and that “when reading disembodied words on a screen” it is “easy enough” to engage in “projection” (Stock, 2019a). Why and how do social media and allied platforms have this potential for distorting genuine communicative action?

First, they enable new manipulative communication practices, such as flaming and trolling. The popular support base of gender-critical academics makes ample use of these, though gender-critical scholars are also at the receiving end. Rather than using the quasi-spoken features of social media and allied platforms with a view to genuinely advancing understanding, online activists may exploit these features for strategic aims. Common techniques include drowning a post or blog with irrelevant comments; exposing the blogger to ridicule; deflecting attention from the point she made; forcing her to address spurious objections; pretextually professing a failure to understand, demanding endless further explanations; and so on. Some of these techniques are available in spoken exchanges, but social media and allied platforms magnify their power by enabling “widely-distributed individuals to organize and galvanize around issues of common interest [or] political advocacy” (Stewart, 2016); and by facilitating the use of nonverbal or nonargument-based, but effective, communicative devices, such as memes, gifs, and emoticons.

Another way in which these digital media distort genuine communicative action is by affecting the motivations of the blogger, or micro-blogger, herself. Specifically, they facilitate the interference with genuinely communicative goals (reaching understanding) by noncommunicative, strategic aims. I will discuss three: acquiring influence, career progression, and venting.

In traditional academic communicative practice, one’s recognition as an expert is supposed to follow from the credit that accrues to one as a result of the soundness of one’s research methods and arguments, judged through peer-review processes. But “in the era of social media there are now many different ways that a scientist can build their public profile; the publication of high-quality scientific papers being just one” (Hall, 2014). Veletsianos and Kimmons (2016) have found, by examining a large data set of education scholars’ participation on Twitter, that

being widely followed on social media is impacted by many factors that may have little to do with the quality of scholarly work . . . and . . . that participation and popularity may be impacted by a number of additional factors unrelated to scholarly merit (e.g., wit, controversy, longevity; p. 6).

-This section like every section goes on forever but we finally finally reach our conclusion-

Cooper (2019) has invoked a legal pluralist perspective to argue that it is possible, and may be desirable, for gender as conceived by gender-critical feminists (as “sex-based domination”) and gender as conceived in trans-affirming terms (as “identity diversity”) to coexist side-by-side in the law. Access to women’s spaces is just the kind of policy matter that need not choose between one conception of gender and the other: it can and should be granted on the basis of both. While a compelling feminist case has been made for inclusion (Finlayson et al., 2018), the best feminist case against inclusion suffers from a number of argumentative fallacies (Aristotle, n.d.), and is at odds with well-established and sound uses of practical reason. Many problems in gender-critical thought are consistent with the explanation that paranoid structuralism is too often presupposed in gender-critical work, rather than being treated, productively, as a hypothesis. The nature of the publication outlets favored by gender-critical feminists (social media, blogs, etc.) is also likely to be implicated in generating some of these problems.

I think one of the things i would like anyone who managed to read this entire thing to take away from this is that not ONCE were male bathrooms or male spaces mentioned, not once did this apparently "cis" gay man say that he welcomes and wants transmen in HIS spaces or that he has even thought about it

(((( also he didnt even mention neo genders so my original question 100% unanswered, even fuckface magee doesnt think demiboys are real. He doesnt want to or even mention solving sex based oppression he just wants woman to stop fighting to keep men out))))

#gender critical #gender critical feminism #GC #radfem #terf friendly #anyone with a strong brain try to read the original piece its contras brother i swear to fucking god #id say radfem friendly but he doesnt touch womans issues he doesnt care #trans exclusive

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tamiddyinyourcity · 5 years ago

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all today and yesterday did was remind me why i like and also slightly loathe both Patricks

BP:

not as bad as YP (anymore) but still blatantly disregards any general facts for how relationships should work

let someone spit on me, call me a slur, and then get in my face without even so much as a "hey, get the FUCK off of her" and walked away? seriously?

disrespected boundaries

made it clear they had no intention to reason whatsoever

let someone else dictate our relationship, without even so much as a benefit of the doubt and whatnot, and did nothing to actually soothe any tension with a simple introduction

secretive over nothing, which lead to the end of our relationship (seriously, what the fuck was that?)

kind of a doormat?

hes not a bad guy but this does kind of factor in for the "yeah, i really didnt want to have to teach someone basic actions for a healthy relationship" (like defending your girlfriend, or not purposely leaving them uncomfortable by showing you prioritize someone else?)

not social at all

still a good person but it was just super helpless i guess.....

YP:

will literally zone out for entire conversations

will not ask anything about your life in the slightest

is just seeing how many times he can put his hand on my lower back and smile at me while blatantly ignoring me until we end up getting into his bed.......

and also just not the same person anymore. Dumping him (despite him obviously trying to plow other girls) made him all distant and passive aggressive, but like???. nigga we were already seperated, you can sleep naked with other girls but i cant have someone to go on dates with????? Litrally madness luv

And he got mad at me for giving him blue balls, when he specifically said "I don't think we should have sex, you did just get out of a relationship", (fair point,) but then continued to be a horny dickhead all night? Even when i made it clear i was also on my period....... cool, celibacy unless someone puts a thousand dollars in my hands right fuckin now

The dynamic went from "hell yeah!!!! hot guy!!! actual affection!!!", to "hes emotionally unavailable as fuck and not making any slightest effort, this is pathetic, thats it im gonna go home"

....yeah.

So Brown Haired Patrick went from "i think he could be fun to date, hes a little odd, but i guess its still a solid chance if we both want to make it work out", to "so glad i met this dude!!!!!!", to "aight, alexa, play Dead to Me by Kali Uchis for four hours."

Or more like, "Jesus, it was going so well, then I had to give Ted Talks on why Letting People Harrass Or Attack Your Woman, Letting your Friends Hate on Your Girl without Meeting Her, and Talking About Other Girl's Asses.... are.... super fucking weird in a relationship. I dont think i can date someone that obviously sees me as so low priority that even basic defense or communication is a problem, im not going through another Zack-like situation again, i swear to fucking god."

And Yellow Haired Patrick went from:

"He seems aloof, isnt focused at all for this date, and is only talking about himself.... He's obsessed with talking about working out, and doesnt have any other hobbies. Probably is only interested in me for the sake of lust, I haven't seem him prove otherwise... Seems like a meathead."

To:

"Fuck yeah, hot guy, likes me, wants to show me off?????? Good conversations, hella passionate about showing how much that he likes me????? Niceeeeeeeeeeee"

To:

And yeah.

Realizing that men are disappointing as fuck.

Not gonna talk to BP, he said he needs time to simmer down some. And honestly, I don't see how things would work out in the slightest anyway.

Just gonna be glad that I got my candle and fireworks back.

Not sure why a guy would dump me, then cry at the idea of giving me my stuff back and never seeing me again? Thats literally the fucking point of a relationship ending?

And idk how id handle a new relationship with him and someone else, so probably gotta keep about an arms length in terms of me and him speaking again. Cant really be friends with someone if its the lingering vibe of "oh hey, i was your first time having sex and going on real dates with.... too bad we wont be having that completely possible option again."

It would either be on some "we smash and no one knows", "we hang out but probably just for the rare movie or something before i fully go ghost and find some other interesting person to hang with", or "we hang as friends and its always gonna be at least 2% awkward" type shit.

.......yikes.

I don't do friendships with exes.

Lust always gets involved, or tension, or the potential "oh hey, remember that one time you fucked me over and expected me to just forget?", occasional incidents.

Aaaaand...... thats probably a big reason why I try to avoid relationships in the first place. (That fails, since craving intimacy is great, finding a great bond is terrific, and then feeling unreciprocated or wondering how something so great will end is terrible as fuck.)

I can't tell if I did or didn't expect, "His rude ass best friend is gonna end the relationship", but it happened anyway.

And yeah.

Not sure if I can fully face someone that chose another person over me, even if not in.... that way.

I probably can. Last time went okay, and the time before that. But the layer of "I really like his fucking smile" or "crap; i cant kiss him when i get in his car now, im just supposed to act like i dont want to?", issssssss...... exactly why he should stop seeing me for some time.

And vice versa, since i guess he was somewhat hurt by all the stuff that had happened, too. Yikes.

Anyways....

8:29pm, told YP, in what I feel was an appropriate way, not to hit me up if he's going to blatantly ignore me and not be aware of my feelings.

(In a much longer, lengthier, but nicer tone. In a "im being nice but dont hit me up unless ur gonna admit im a booty call or actually show that you care" sort of tone.)

And all that I can say is...

Oh well.

I have no time for guys anymore, they're just kinda lame.

The one I sort of liked is no longer around, and keeping him around would have lead to some more unnecessary stress for all parties.

And the second guy is just some dude I thought was *the one*, who changed a lot in the span between our last phone call and whatnot.

No time for lame men who care none about my interests, life goals, feelings, hobbies, habits, enjoyments, struggles, perspectives, and whatnot. (YP.)

And no time for men that cant defend me, in any sort of situation, or really show that i have a solid place in their life worth defending. (BP.)

8:33pm. Gonna record a video and just hope for the best.

Peace out lads. :)

#exes #yikes #nothing says true love like trying to dryly grind against the girl you havent asked shit about all night #and nothing says a serious relationship like not trying to find resolutions to problems most people would never have

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writingguide003-blog · 6 years ago

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#MeToo revelations and loud, angry men: the feminism flashpoint of Sydney writers festival

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/metoo-revelations-and-loud-angry-men-the-feminism-flashpoint-of-sydney-writers-festival/

#MeToo revelations and loud, angry men: the feminism flashpoint of Sydney writers festival

For anyone who thought the movement had lost momentum, the last few days have proved otherwise

Hours before the cornerstone Sydney writers festival panel about the #MeToo movement on Saturday night, the Pulitzer-prize winning author Junot Diaz with events still booked in Sydney and in Melbourne was on a plane out of Australia.

The day before, another festival guest, writer Zinzi Clemmons, had spoken from the audience during the Q&A of one of Diazs panels, questioning the timing of his recent New Yorker essay and asking the writer to reckon with his own alleged history of harm.

She then shared her story on Twitter, claiming he had cornered and forcibly kissed her when she was 26.

Clemmons was joined on Twitter by other women including another festival speaker Carmon Maria Machado who made their own accusations of his alleged misconduct. Diaz withdrew from his remaining appearances, and told the New York Times (without referring to the allegations specifically): I take responsibility for my past.

As the story unfolded on Twitter, the green rooms no journalists policy was enforced with more vigour. Understandable. For anyone who thought the #MeToo movement had lost momentum, the last few days proved otherwise.

Lets recap, moderator and former Crikey editor Sophie Black told the audience, before a panel that would be interjected by a protester, a whistle-blower, and one of Australias best known feminists. Weve got a lot to talk about.

On Friday, for instance, the Nobel prize for literature was cancelled amid a sexual assault scandal. The day before that, a Washington Post investigation told of 27 more women who had allegations of sexual harassment against talk show host Charlie Rose.

One of the journalists behind that investigation, Irin Carmon, was on the panel, along with Now Australias spearhead and spokesperson Tracey Spicer and the New York Times Jenna Wortham. Carmon had been working on the Rose story since 2010, but it was only when the #MeToo movement gathered steam that she was able to get it off the ground.

Tracey Spicer, Irin Carmon, Jenna Wortham and Sophie Black during a panel discussion. Photograph: Jamie Williams

[In 2010] the women werent ready to speak out, and I had to move on, she explained. But when people started to tell their own stories on their own terms, I thought, Maybe its time to go back to the story, maybe they are now feeling its safe enough.

The movement has made it easier, she said, but its still not easy.

Carmon talked about the burden of proof needed to publish a story alleging sexual crimes, and the emotional exhaustion it took for a victim to speak out. The Rose story, she said, had taken over her life. This is not just happening willy-nilly; people are not just doing it for fun. Having been up close in the machine and the aftermath, it is not fun. It is not glamorous just because a few people went to the Oscars.

Later, she said: I wish people knew that what reporters publish is just the tip of the iceberg of what we know, because it has to meet such a high standard. One of Harvey Weinsteins accusers, for instance, had a recording of her harassment and still wasnt believed … So many people dont have that kind of evidence.

Spicer agreed. Since her public call-out for #MeToo stories on Twitter in October, she said 1600 people had contacted her with allegations about 100 different Australian men.

Ive got beyond a dozen accusations against many of the alleged offenders [who we havent yet exposed], she said. And even with that, you have to almost act like youre part of the police force. Is there any clothing with DNA on it? Are there any diaries? Did you tell anyone at the time, a family member or a friend? Its incredibly difficult in this country.

So whenever you read these stories or see them on television, you know that they have been robustly researched.

Australias restrictive defamation laws work against the whistle-blowers, as do varied pressures inside newsrooms, which have been hampering investigations at home. Spicer has spent the past six months connecting the strongest of the stories with news outlets around the country but her efforts, she revealed, havent always been welcome.

This is a conversation thats not going to be very popular in this room, but its something Ive been wanting to say publicly for a long time. When we started doing these stories in this country … we had the support of Fairfax and the ABC, and they were tremendous, she said.

But recently, in the last two months, Ive seen mainstream what we would call old media organisations starting to pull away from some of these stories … Not only is it costly, not only is it difficult because of defamation, but its getting a little bit too close to our executives. And that is a true story.

For that reason, she has been taking stories to a broader array of outlets, including Guardian Australia, the Financial Review and News Corp. If you want to keep reading and hearing about these stories, contact the media outlets in Australia and tell them, she said.

At least one of the people who had told their story to Spicer was in the room; she found her way to a microphone during the audience Q&A. I came to Tracey with my story last year and she followed up with me. She said, Youre not the only victim of this man but we just cant get the story up …

You shouldnt have to be sitting on a stage, putting out a call, asking audience members to give you the resources to bring these man to justice, she continued. I have seen you done so much more than what your job description has asked you, and honestly, the responsibility lies with the media organisations.

Following the Diaz allegations, the panel also discussed so-called trial by Twitter: women making allegations against men on social media or blogs, sidestepping journalism and the justice system.

I dont agree with people naming people on social media, Spicer said, but I understand why people are [doing it]. They feel a frustration with the gatekeepers.

It was even more difficult for women who didnt fit the mould of the victims whose stories have so far been prioritised: white, privileged, straight and famous women. I dont think were dealing or talking about it at all the way we should be, in terms of non-white, hetero normative, straight [victims], said Wortham, who co-hosts the Still Processing podcast on race and pop culture.

Wortham also spoke about the toxicity of open secrets, referencing the shitty media men list which privately circulated New York late last year before it was exposed.

The shared document named men whose allegedly inappropriate and harmful behaviour had, in some cases, been known by many.

I had gone to drinks with those people, I had been alone with them, Wortham said. I was a young 25-year-old who didnt know any better, and Id been in situations that could have potentially been very difficult. And because they were open secrets, the onus was on me to know that that was a dangerous situation.

But she hadnt been tapped into the whisper network. Either I wasnt successful enough or I wasnt interacting with the people who were privileged enough to have that information and pass it along to me. I wasnt in the right place on the hierarchy of knowledge …

Weve developed these coping mechanisms to deal with these societal problems that are really insufficient, and put the [onus] on us.

The panels penultimate moment was a welcome surprise: notable Australian feminist and writer Eva Cox stood at a microphone with a question for the panellists.

Its not How do we stop that man from doing that to us?, but How do we stop men feeling like theyre entitled to?, she said.

We have to start looking at what we are doing to little boys to make them feel entitled. We need to sit down and start addressing the social problem, because we are still the second sex. And unfortunately, a lot of what were doing to fight this … is using a male-driven system to try to screw a male-driven system. It doesnt work.

As the applause died down in the audience, a lone voice could be heard from the front: a man who had been barred from the microphone during the Q&A was standing in front of the stage and screaming aggressively at the strong, accomplished women who sat in front of him.

HOW MANY INNOCENT MEN WILL GET TAKEN DOWN? he yelled, as he was escorted out. GEOFFREY RUSH IS AN AUSTRALIAN ICON!

The four panellists had spent the last 60 minutes illustrating why this movement wasnt going away. It took just one man, in one second, to succinctly prove their point.

An earlier version of this article implied journalists were removed from the green room following the Junot Diaz allegations. According to the festival, the green room was intended as a journalist-free space

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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lazytacomoon-blog · 7 years ago

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I am a 19 year old college student. I have always been on soonercare but I stopped being covered when I turned 18. I take over 20 hours in college and live with my fiance so I am unemployed. I need health inaurance so I can go to the dentist and eye doctor but everything is way expensive. My fiance is covered by his work but they dont offer family coverage so even when we get married a year from now I will still need my own health insurance. Ive tried getting some quotes but I cant pay $200-$300 a month. Is there somewhere to get afordable coverage that I am over looking?

""How much does individual health insurance cost, on average, in the United States?""

How much does individual health insurance cost, on average, in the United States?""

Will my insurance rate go up??PLZ HELP:(?

I was parked in front of a kroger at the parking lot ...I came out of the store and saw that my cars been hit! Its an 07 mustang gt i took it for an etimate it has damages worth 1300 I have full coverage insurance with a 500 dollar deductable I pay 110 a month for insurance I live in Michigan..will my rate go up? I mean i wasnt in the car i came out and it was hit?Also I have only one claim with my truck thats it and a perfect driving record no points ever.

Someone crashed into me will their insurance pay for my car?

So I was going down a main street when this guy passed the stop sign. We made a police report and he took the blame but the cop wanted to blame it on me. Now the other car has insurance but it wasn't the guys car. Will their insurance still pay for mine. Some one please answer quick.

How much do teens have to pay for car insurance monthly?

I'm 17 and my mom has esurance. I have a job now and so now I'm allowed to get my license. They won't give us a quote until I actually have my license but I live in Littleton, CO 80123 and I'll be driving a 1997 Subaru Legacy""

What kind of insurance?

I want to do residential housekeeping .What kind of insurance should i get?What is the difference between being insured or being bonded?please explain ?

Cheap car insurance in UK .?

who know a cheap car insurance please in UK, i been with Auto direct for two years they just made for me 100 pounds discount (i never made any claim) aim paying now 785 Pounds per year for Nissan car 2002 .""

What kind of life insurance is best?

My wife and I are both working and we have a baby now, I'm thinking of getting life insurance, but have no clue where to start. There seems to be a bunch of options...and advice/suggestions on how to get started? Thanks.""

""How much would insurance be on a peugeot 106, female, 17?""

Hi, im 17 and should be passed my driving test by christmas. I want a peugeot 106 and was wondering does anybody know how much (roughly) insurance would be? i live in a small town, in a quiet cul de sac and the car will be parked in my driveway (if this narrows it down)! thanks""

How do I get my AARP auto insurance rating report?

What car should I get for cheap insurance?

Im 18, i just got my license a week ago. I live in a small Louisiana town. I catch buses and taxis to and from college and work. I really need a car. I have 2000 down for one but insurance is like 600 dollars on my own policy. I can't get on any ones policy because I live on my own. I'm beginning to get discouraged because the longer I take to get a car the less money I'll have for a car paying 10 to 20 dollars on taxis a day takes all my money. What can I do? What cars will have the cheapest insurance for a new driver?""

Texas Automobile Insurance?

I got hit by someone else. Their insurance is not providing total cost up front for a rental car while mine is in the shop. I was not at fault. The Insurance carrier is Farmer's Insurance. They said to pay the difference of the rental, and they would reimburse. My understanding by an insurance facilitator at my old company is that if the fault was not yours, then the insurance company has to accommodate you with full pay for the rental car for a comperable vehicle to the one that was damaged. Anyone have any knowledge of the law, and links where I can find out the info? Thank you in advance.""

Motorcycle Insurance question?

I'm going to take the MSF course on Saturday and my understanding was that you're insurance is going to be cheaper and I will like to know why it will be cheaper

Affordable term life insurance quote?

What good is affordable term life insurance?

Sportbike Insurance...?

Where is a good place to have motorcycle insurance through. My husband is looking into buying a Suzuki gsxr and we are trying to find something cheap or reasonable.

I have cancelled my car insurance?

I have cancelled my car insurance for my old car , because I have bought a new car . . . Now I am waiting to sell it , but I don't know where I should keep it . . Is there any problems if I'll leave in front of my house in the car park without a insurance ? Thank You""

How Much Would Car Insurance For A 18 Year Old Cost?

I currently live in Nevada and I drive a 1997 Chevy S10. I currently am on my parents insurance plan USAA and I pay $130 each month. I have a clean driving record and have had my license for about a year and a half. Would it be cheaper to just get my own insurance plan? If so how much would it cost and what cheap companies would you recommend?

Finding affordable health insurance in 2013?

I'm a 35 year old male who recently had heart surgery to replace my heart valves. After the surgery shortly after my recovery from the hospital (actually the night I returned home) I had two strokes. Luckily I was able to recover from that also. I'm still not 100% and its been almost a year since. I will be losing my insurance I had with work and will actually need to quit my job. I pay over 400$ a month not including medical visits and the numerous amounts of pills I need to pay. That amount to pay is getting harder and harder to pay each month. I looked into other alternatives but they all seem to more expensive than what I pay now. I live in California. I currently have Cobra insurance with Kaiser. I need to find insurance without losing much of the benefits I have with Cobra and Kaiser. I'm not too clear what the Obama Medical Law will benefit me, but I'm hoping it does somehow. Does anyone know of any insurance alternatives for a 35 year old male, not disabled but with a medical condition, unemployed or losing benefits soon, what are my options?""

Insurance for my baby?

I am on my dad's insurance. When my baby is born will it also be included on my dad's insurance?

Which stae has the cheapest car insurance.? I know Jersey has the highest.?

Question about car insurance ?!?!?!?

Ok so i am 17 and male so car insurance is tricky. i have a 1.3 toyota corolla,provisional licence, no driving experience. Most quotes are 4,000 at the cheapest. I cant afford this. Does anyone know how to get this cheaper. Is it possible to get insurance for around 2,000 ? My only option is to go as a named driver under my parents policy and have the car registered to them. Preferrably i want my own policy though. Any suggestions appreciated thanks :)""

MAZDA3 with insurance questions?

u think i'll be charge high cost of car insurance by getting mazda3 sedan..im 18 first time driver and a female i live in san francisco. and how much is mazda3? like with the taxes and everything?? serious answers are greatly appreciated. i want to stay under $20k

What kind of Insurance should we have when doing a Re Fi Loan?

I am looking over the paper work and one form mentions that we have options at time of closing for different types of insurance. We have Home Owners Insurance/ I noticed disability and mortgage and Life help please

What company has the cheapest basic auto insurance for Atlanta Georgia drivers?

Shopping for auto insurance for Atlanta Georgia. I'm looking for the lowest rate for basic coverage.

Second driver insurance car?

Hi I'm 17 and I'm about to do the driving license and I will be added to a car as a second driver and the first driver has about 20 years of experience of driving and discounts I would like to ask how much there would be to pay for the insurance is it going to be double the price or more ? any answers are welcome and I would like to know what would be the price range I will need to pay.

Is it better to buy cheaper can than expensive car?

I love expensive sports cars, but I don`t need to have it, I can just watch those at museum, stores, and photos. I think buying cars is waste of money. It costs money to buy cars, car insurance, gasoline, and parking ticket. Also cars get stolen lot , it can break easily by car crash, some bad kids will scratch it, and high risk of death. Using train is way cheaper. If I really need car, I would stick with least cheapest car. Because when my car got stolen, or broke, I have less things to lose.""

How much flood insurance do I need in a low risk area?

I called my insurance carrier to get a agent to get a quote. He told me limit option starting at $100K and went higher to match the limits of my Dwelling coverage, and ended by saying ...show more""

Does anyone know about ecar insurance?

I found it is cheap, but Is it good? http://www.ecarinsurance.co.uk""

17 Year Old Insurance Question..?

What would be the average cost to insure any type of vehicle to a 17 year old foreign male (has no SSN, on a special permit VISA to live in the states)? I have around 12k to spend on the car, so i was looking at a few cars and the 2002 Audi TT (225hp, 6 speed M/T, 2-door sports coupe) seems to be the best car i can get with that money. Now ofcourse, i don't know what the fees are going to be like and it doesn't help that im a foreign student living here because my dad moved here, don't have a SSN/greencard etc (i have a special permit VISA for residence). will this impact my insurance a lot since im not a citizen of the U.S.? and so..how much would it really cost to insure an Audi TT as a 17 year old, honor role student who will complete the driver safety course, have same insurance as family policy, most likely be accident free (for state farm insurance) and have completed the steer clear driver's discount program? and some other general questions, what would be the difference in insurance premiums if instead i chose a 4-door sedan like a Honda Civic (2005)? I tried getting quotes from State Farm (said i was 18 instead), they got me at hte basic plan for $350/month for 2002 Audi TT and $375/month for a Civic 2005. Anyways to reduce that (those prices were with most discounts except the family plan)?""

Could someone recommend some very good life insurance companies?

I want to get dependable life insurance at affordable rates.

How much would car insurance be for a 16 year old to drive a 2005 Ford F-150?

I live in Arizona, I want a red or black 2005 Ford F-150 crew cab. Im not rich, my dads just got a **** ton of money cause he never buys anything. Im trying to get him to pay for the whole insurance but i really doubt hes going to. So please help me out, tell me how much me or him is going to have to pay.""

Does a two door Honda accord have a high insurance rate than the four door Honda accord of the same year?

In general, is it possible that two door or coupe cars will have higher insurance rates as compared to the four door car of the same type and the same year?""

What is the cost of general liability insurance for park rental?

need the insurance to cover a softball tournament

Help! I need auto insurance fast?

I'm 23 years old and need auto insurance immediately. I live in California and would prefer to have nationwide coverage. I am single, no kids. I'm really considering liability or something low-end because insurance here is a lot more than what I was paying in Pennsylvania. I am also a full-time student and heard that might get me a discount with some agencies. Any advice?""

What is the best Healthcare Insurance for small business owners in Colorado?

I'm starting a new job in Jan and I will be 1099 - I need any suggestions from anyone currently paying their ownHealth Insurance and what is a good company to go with. Many Thanks!

What happens if you get pulled over without insurance?

You see I am an awesome driver. I never get in an accident because I am always well aware of my surroundings. I realized that for the past five years of owning my truck, I have spent over 10 times it's worth in insurance, and never once needed it, ever. No accidents, and no getting pulled over. Isn't insurance a waste of money for me? I figured I could just put the money I would normally spend on insurance, in the bank for the same purpose, then if I need it I can take it out. If the truck dies first, I put the money towards a new car. Is this such a bad idea?""

Start up restaurant in chicago need insurance.?

I'm looking for affordable insurance that want break the bank.

How many years no claims bonus does it take for your car insurance quote to be at its minimum?

For example, If I were to insure an Audi RS4 which costs around 48,000 - which group would this be in?? etc...""

Motorcycle Insurance question?

I'm going to take the MSF course on Saturday and my understanding was that you're insurance is going to be cheaper and I will like to know why it will be cheaper

I need a good answer for insurance on this car for a year?

im 16 a guy and i want a 2000 audi tt how much would you say insurance costs on this car for 1 year also i have never been in a wreck never gotten a ticket and never killed someone in a car so help ou please

Can Chevrolet Dealership repair vehicles with insurance?

So someone smashed into my parked vehicle. It is a chevrolet and the insurance is covering it and I can take it to a repair shop of my choice. I was wondering if the chevrolet dealership where I bought the car to can do those repairs? It is axel and bodywork damage. All help will be much appreciated thank you.

Insurance for girls?

Has anyone heard that if you are a girl and you have a B average on your trascript, you save 70% on the price of the auto insurance?""

What do insurance brokers do?

1. What is an insurance broker? 2. What do you have to do as an insurance broker? 3. If you are an insurance broker, how is your job related to the law? 4. What is your typical day like? 5. What are the educational requirements to become an insurance broker? 6. Why did you want to become an insurance broker? 7. What do you enjoy most about being an insurance broker? 8. What's challenging about it? 9. How long have you been an insurance broker? 10. What advice would you give to someone who wanted to be an insurance broker?""

""Insurance whilst working In italy for 7 months for an aussie company, anyone got any good recommendations?

My job is travelling around I already have basic Travel Insurance

Health Insurance for pregnant women?

I was laid off from my job and I have been unable to find a new job, my cobra insurance is about to run out and I am looking for affordable insurance for pregnant woman. I do not qualify for medicaid because my husband does work but insurance is not offered through his employer. Does anyone know of a company that has a plan that will cover pregnancy and after?""

Who has cheapest auto insurance rates in ontario?

Car accident without insurance but not at fault?

car accident without insurance but not at fault car parked in driveway and other car swerved into drive way and hit my car can I sue them , there was a witness, and a police ...show more""

Car insurance?..........?

Who gives the cheapest car insurance?!

How to get my car insurance in my name?

i am going to break up with my boyfriend, but my car insurance is in his name.i want to be independent , so how to get it over in my name. he refuse to help me out. did i mention how much i dislike him.""

Affordable Cosmetic dental insurance in NYC ?

I really want cosmetic dental surgery maybe back braces or invisalign, I live in NYC and I just want recommendations for which insurance company to go with. Also I'd really like something affordable. Any information would be helpful :)""

""I only have liability insurance, how much would my car repair bill come out to be?""

I have a 2004 Nissan maxima and was in an accident this morning. Long story short, it was my fault and fortunately there were no injuries on either side. However, my insurance covers plenty for the other party, but none for me. The damages are in the front right side which includes, the headlight, part of the hood, front bumper, the side panel(but not the door) to be smashed in a bit. Further damages include windshield wiper fluid is leaking, for it was hit too. But the tire and allignment is completely fine, allowing the cop to let me drive it home. Any help?""

My job does not have..Need health insurance?

looking for private health insurance, what are some companies that are affordable? lists of companies and info about them please. Thanks to all who answer =]""

Would teen car insurance be expensive for a 2007 honda civic hybrid?

I am a new driver with good grades and took drivers ed. Will the year of the car affect my insurance rates? Would another car be cheaper? Would being on my parents policy be less as opposed to having my own?

""I have no health insurance, ambulance came, but I didn't ride on it?

I fainted at my university and some people called 911. The ambulance came and 2 paramedics check my blood sugar level and blood pressure and that was it... I didn't go to the hospital with them or anything. But of course I had to give them my information and all that.... how much do you think they will bill me? I am terrified of how much it will be because I DO NOT have health insurance. :(

Is it illegal in California to drive an insured car even though you're not insured?

I heard that in the state of California, as long as the car itself is insured, it doesnt matter if the driver himself/herself is insured or not, and that the driver needs to be insured only if he/she is driving a car that isn't insured. Let's say a teen driver wants to drove his/her parents' car, but the teen isn't listed, but not excluded, from the insurance plan. As long as the car is covered, its okay for the teen to drive it. The only exception is if the parents put on the insurance plan that the teen is excluded from the plan ('____ is excluded from the plan'). Is any of this true? Thanks in advance.""

Can I sue my Auto Insurance Company?

In 2005, as part of our divorce agreement, my ex and I decided to keep the same auto insurance but under separate policies. We had been with this company for years. My policy was on auto pay meaning that the payments were taken directly from my account. He walked in to pay his. About 6 months after the divorce, I was pulled over for a routine traffic stop and was told I was driving an uninsured vehicle. Without insurance, my registration was also invalid. Both tickets totaled 1K. My car was taken into impound. I checked and found the officer was correct. On good terms with my ex, I told him what happened. He said for the past 6 months, each time he went in to make a payment, the girl HIS was already paid. Realizing what had happened. They were applying my payments to his automobile. I was furious. I notified the agent who initially did not want to accept blame, but since the payments were automatic and my account number was on each payment they took, they were responsible. The error was compounded by the fact that the cancellation notice went to HIS address (how dumb was that!) So I had no way of knowing that I was cancelled. I was without a car for 2 weeks and lost my job. After much haggling and many sleepless nights of wondering what to do without a job or a car, the insurance company finally admitted blame, paid the impound fees of $1,250.00. The agent also said they would handle the 2 tickets totaling 1K. FAST FORWARD TO 2010 in my state, the county did a scofflaw sweep and I was summoned to court with over 5 thousand other delinquent drivers to address unpaid tickets. The order was come to court by April 30th or be arrested. Realizing this had to be a mistake, but fearful of the law, I stood in line for over 5 hours in blazing heat, then sat in court another 5 hours waiting for my day in court. I was immediately threatened with arrest because the 2 tickets were not paid. Up to that moment, I had no idea the insurance company had not paid the 2 tickets. This time, not only was my insurance and registration cancelled, my license was suspended due to the age of the infraction (5 years). In front of the judge, I called the agents' office only to be told by the secretary that they had no intention to pay the ticket. Paying to get the car out of impound was enough. When the judge heard this she was shocked and let me off with a promise to pay in 5 days. She made me promise not to drive. With no way to get home but drive, I took a chance, and was pulled over. The officer informed me that due to the vast number of outstanding cases, tags bearing our county name would be targeted for a while (talk about a police state!). I showed him my documents from the court and headed home. This is a nightmare. Would I have a case if I filed suit against my insurance company for failing in their fiduciary responsibility to a 16 year client in good standing? By the way this company is one of the largest in the country.""

Car insurance on a Mustang gt?

I'm a male, 19, years old going on 20 next month.. I'm wanting to save up for an older model (1999-2003) Mustang gt. I know there are different kinds of auto insurance agencies around but can someone maybe give me a rough estimate of how much i would have to pay each month for my own insurance? I've had no accidents or tickets/ felonies ever since my driver's license have been issued to me.. And i drive about 15 miles to work one way and 20 miles to college one way. Thanks!""

Average cost for insurance?

What do u think the cost of insurance for a mazda rx-8 would cost or a sports car similar to that (cars with a big bonnet like mazda rx-8). This would be for a 17 year old. Please help

Where can I get 1-day motorcycle insurance?

I'm looking for motorcycle insurance for just 1 day to borrow my brothers bike but can't seem to find any online I also don't have the time to phone around asking Insurance companies if they do. Are there any companies that do this?

What if I cause an accident but the car insurance is not under my name.?

Well I hit someone and in my car but the insurance is under my mothers name only.The other driver and his passenger are riding in car that does not belong to both and they are not under the insurance of the car.Sadly the passenger was complaining about a neck injury so they called the cops and an ambulance.What happens then?

""If i pay CASH for a street bike [motorcycle], do i still have to get insurance?""

certainly i wont have to get full coverage since it will be paid for, but am i required to get liability, as i would with a car? if you show me a link to a website that backs up your answer, i will select you for the best answer.""

How much will auto insurance be?

I am going to be getting my permit in a month and i already have a car. its a 94 plymouth acclaim 4 cyl and i was wondering how much insurance will be, I will be joining my moms insurance she has farmers.""

Cost of Cancelling multiple 6-month car insurance policies in US?

I am 18 years old, male, clean driving record, good student, going to college. I will only be going home for occasional weekends, and vacations, and I would like to be insured so I can drive my car (saturn 2000 sl) around. I don't want to pay for the high cost of permanent car insurance, but want to be insured when I need it. I looked up ways to get temporary (short term) car insurance and I basically found that if you are under 21, you cannot pay daily or weekly. I also found that US insurance companies generally offer policies that are at least 6 months. Since I want tthen you can only get 6month or 1 year policies. They suggest getting the 6 month policy and paying monthly, and then simply canceling the policy once I am done with it. Therefore if I did this, I would be buying and canceling many policies every year. I would maybe do this a few weekends every semester and also winter, spring, and summer break. So basically I want to save money by foregoing yearly car insurance, but instead would like to do what I stated above. The big question is: IS IT WORTH IT? Ordering, and then cancelling up to six to eight 6-month policies, each paying for the first monthly payment. Note: I currently have MetLife. Thanks!!""

Price increase for new driver on insurance?

I am a 17 year old male. I have had full driver's training and taken an eight hour driving class. I am also an A-B student. My parent's have Geico and we live in Charleston, SC. No one seems to know how much our insurance rate will increase if I am added as a driver (without a car). Basically, I can not get my license because, supposedly, simply getting the driver's license (not permit, full license) will make our rates go up. If this is true, how much will our rates increase?""

Motorcycle Insurance question?

I'm going to take the MSF course on Saturday and my understanding was that you're insurance is going to be cheaper and I will like to know why it will be cheaper

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/insurance-pregnant-women-eulah-rosenda"

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somedaypast-thesunset · 8 years ago

Text

i was ready for bed and heard the call of weed again - or what i hoped would be weed but instead was 10$ which is probably honestly for the best in the long run. i probably honestly need 10$ more than i needed weed - and they stll smoked me a few joints anyways.

but it was good to speak to other people. to regain a sense of my surroundings that is not the little bubble of the 5 streets that seperate my house from his. because ive lived in that very protective bubble for atleast several weeks and although its protective, its not a bubble thats for me. i am just like hitching a ride on someone elses bubble and neglecting my real life because it sucks. and its hard.

it 3am. and i want to like pretend im going to make some fucking plans for tomorrow an do things but i dont know if i will. i know that this is a very weird way to be living right now and i have to excessively apologize for fucking living in a squat house at this point. it doesnt have to be thiissssss bad. this is stupid. but i dont have the energy to make it any better right this second so im just kind of thinking about it - which is super typical for my life. that describes my entire being.

the way i would describe this week has been like an rpg video game but like.. in a metaphysical world. like i existed in this world while also in another world of my mental being and continually battling shit that was just .. really stupid and unnecessary. this was like a frustrating shittly made rpg. and the first couple of levels are painfully hard where like its just grinding and grinding to be able to do anything. and then once you get to thing you grinded so hard for its lik the most impossible glitched bugged out boss but you already put 80 hours of your life into it so youre going to find that 1 in a million fucking way to beat the boss that for som reason in itself has like 17 side quests you have to complete before you even touch the guy.

and its like the people aroud me are shitty people watchng a stream of this video game but all they see is my webcam. they dont see the actual game. they just assume what the fuck im doing or how im doing it or if its hard or not and give me vague advice that kind of rings true to the situation but they have no idea whats actually going on anyways. and like everyone in awhile you get this shitty comment about how you suck or you’re a failure and its like you dont even know what the fuck is happening on the other side here right now because im doing pretty well for the circumstances at hand.

i dont know if im even at the final boss i think im on the 17 side quests. and like i dont have fucking time for this but i also dont not have time for this because its life or death inside of my head right now. you cant walk away from that its very serious and im stuck inside my head.

being around other people helped. but like i wouldnt have been able to go out and meet these people for a random thing. i wouldnt. but the way it was set up - and that in itself felt like a fucking side quest to make it happen; i felt comfortable and could sit and just observe a conversation and just participate when i felt like it. i didnt sit and moan about my life at all. i was more than capable of having a normal conversation about totally neutral topics and common interests. most of the time i just listened but listening made me feel acknowledged. lke i also existed because this person was telling me someting and to them in that moment i was important because they wanted to tell me this thing.

because they wer emore acquaintances than true friends i “knew”, i was also able to regain reality by seeing their own display of personal greivances. if i shared mine, they would have been worse. and times in my head i couldnt help but think you know you guys are actually kind of lucky. these things could all be a lot worse. you have a lot going for your life. but this is life. and they have their own set of problems which weigh heavy on them enough to need to air their issues to people they dont actually know very well. and that says something, regardless. they also feel a sense of desperation in expressing something that maybe theyre not even expressing to other people.

i didnt take that chance with them for myself though. i was very subtle - or i perceived myself being subtle when talking about the issues ive had lately. im also really confused by these issues - the side quests. because i know these are side effects of the drugs and im panicking about very odd things that dont need such a sense of panic but its bringing to the surface the idea of these problems existing at all. like focusing on not having family. i havent had family for awhile. this is not the most pressing issue but it was killing me for hours on end. and like - this takes up way too fucking much of my day. to be sooo panicked about something you cant even do shit about is exhausting. and then like i project these feelings on to him because i want to share something with him - like i dont even know if i want to share a life with him because im crazy and this is crazy and everything is fucked. but i want something with him and being crazy and too fucked to work / find a job is standing in my way. i have nothing to prove im a functioning human. and im barely a functioning human, honestly. like it is very surprising i am 27 now. thats fucked.

regardless if i do something or not, things are going to change dramatically in my life in the next several weeks. because i am very sure i am going to be evicted. and i probably very much deserve to be evicted. i owe atleast 3000$ point blank in my life with all my debts, which it could be more - and i have no job and ive spent weeks trying to “get better”. thats terrible. i absolutely deserve to be evicted. i am already homeless and i live like a homeless person squatting in a random apartment i got lucky to find. like this is fucking nuts the way im living right now. and people are witnessing it. they literally have witnessed this and thats pretty embarassing.

again in my head im like oh yeah im going to get up tomorrow and just go out and look for work. but i havent showered in three days. or eaten anything substantial - out of catatonic fatigue and general lack of care - and ive pretty much allowed the cats to piss on everything i own so i have no clean clothes or underwear. i just let everything around me go to complete shit

and its funny because i naturally wanted to solve my issues with weed. like a fucking power up to get through the worst of it and i went through fucking everything and everyone to do it. with no fucking money. i made money and still got weed. thats how fucking well i did that.

and yet.. here i am. this is ... like im the weirdest craziest person to be around. i really think i have to be like pretty up there in craziness. like the perception people must have of me ... if its even a ‘perception’ since its probably the reality but im like .. crazy bitch over here. i cant even imagine knowing me. i cannot even put myself outside of myself and imagine knowing me as a person. i would be a super frustating person to witness in life. i am really .. i dont know. ive existed on fucking nothing. like how did i even do that. why would he even be around me for this long outside of his own craziness. like why the fuck would you even love me. its not even a self pity thing im generally like ... appreciative that i am being loved but wow why would you. i really offer... being a nice person. thats what i got in life. i am a nice person who is creative and like fairly well read & intelligent with an assortment of domestic skills none of which are really top notch but they get you through. other than that i got nothing. i got debt. i got shitty cats that even im like these are probably our last days together. i have good looks which is probably why im honestly getting by in life and have gotten by so far. and that honestly is not even something to gloat on because its not like im super fucking hot. im just a good looking person. like slightly above average. i have a pretty nice body as well but i dont keep in shape in anyway and am frequently malnutritoned. ive also completely scarred probably 70% of my body which is very obviously done by me. so thats always fun when youre about to fuck someone for the first time. and i mean.. im not even that into sex. ive been called a tease more than once because i allowed my good looks to give me what people were offering me when i knew it was because of my looks. i wanted something, but i wasnt interested in them.

i have no formal education and dropped out in early highschool - like very early. i dont drive. i dont have a car ad defiinitely could not afford one. i dont even have a bike. i cant afford public transit most of the time. im a nice person, you know. i’m caring, sometimes to a fault. i have potential to give a very serious kind of love to the right people. but thats it. thats what i have to offer a person in a relationship with me. thats what i have to offer in a life with me. i mean, i dont even have real interests. i watch documentaries. thats honest to god my biggest interest and has been for months. its like a fucking hobby in some ways. i watch guys playing video games on youtube - a lot. i dont even play video games. i honestly dont know why im fucking watching it. this is totally unnecessary and ive done it openly and just fallen asleep peacefully. why? thats so weird. thats such a weird thing to do. i smoke, alot. i smoke a ton of weed. thats one of my worst qualities. i cost a lot of money and make .. none. the amount of money ive cost other people is probably in the thousands and that was out of kindness. just so i could exist. but i know it does help me. it helps me cope and to leave it behind with no coping skills is really unhelpful to my life.

so where do i start? probably by going to sleep. waking up at some decent hour - its almost 4 now so i hope for 10, but this is just spewing dreams in alot of ways. i could wake up and continue to lay in bed for hours. somethng simple like stretching - which i honestly really need after this anyways. taking a shower. trying to clean my house. find money, just.. keep finding money and money resources. thats the best i can fathom right now. i want to say ill find a job but thats so complex of a hurdle i just .. i can successfully find money in trade for simple labor. not a job. fucking.. eat food. i have food. i literally have food to eat. i just need to get back ... i dont know. somewhere. back in myself.

tommorow will be the beginning of the final battle right now. there will be more battles, more shitty rpg games, but this battle will be finished soon and im getting back to real life. real fucking life.

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