#which it to say that yes you occasionally eat tiny bits of poop

[prophetkristy]

Reading in I Contain Multitudes last year that human breast milk contains molecules that humans cannot digest or absorb — but certain species of Bacteroides can — blew my frickin MIND. If you didn’t already understand how important gut bacteria are, that should convince you. 🤯

Bacteroidota vs. Planctomycetota

Bacteroidota propaganda here

Planctomycetota propaganda here

[karimac]

…in the details, Part 3

A/N: Warning for this series: 18+ audience (minors DNI), some cinematic level violence, some fluff and angst. Doubt that smut will be involved, but it may be implied. I’ll make sure that is noted clearly if it pops up.

All relationships, at this point anyway, are platonic.

Please do not repost or translate my work. Likes, comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated.

A bit about the OC Kari

Part 1

Part 2

All mistakes are my own.

Word count: 3,556

Well, that was not exactly the best idea, was it?

Dr. Darcy Lewis, unlike her colleague, Dr. Erik Selvig, was not a big fan nor an authority on any form of mythology. And the Irish history ask was a longshot at best.

So, here you were, in the coffee shop smack dab in the middle of Westview, talking to Dr. Lewis and getting nowhere fast.

“And, that’s not happening,” the astrophysicist grumbled as she set down her phone and took another sip of her beverage. It was some weirdly sweet concoction that looked like what humans thought rainbow-colored unicorn poop looked like. This world was not ready for what real magical beasts looked like. Most authors had not gotten all of that right in their books. No surprise there. No human really needed to see such things on a daily basis, and whoever had been the muses for those authors had covered up a lot.

“I take it Dr. Selvig has no clue on the Celtic Pantheon?” you asked as you sipped your very boring, light, non-sweet hot coffee. The barista probably wanted to laugh when you ordered it, but he did his best to stifle his snicker. “It was a very long reach on my part, Dr. Lewis. I’m sorry I roped you into this.”

“You can call me Darcy because you actually acknowledge my academic status,” the brunette said as she flipped her phone over again. “So, Thor is off in space. You don’t want me calling Falcon or his pal with the metal arm. Captain Marvel isn’t on your contact list. Ant Man and The Wasp? They can be sort of science geeks, right? Wait. Banner? Is he OK to call?”

Before you could open your mouth, Darcy was texting Banner off her own phone. “You know Bruce?”

“I met him at some meet and greet at MIT before the world went poof,” Darcy replied as she set her phone back down and seemed to be praying Banner would actually return her text. “Stark was there, too, but Banner was the one I got coffee with. Sweet guy, you know, even if he gets all green sometimes.”

As you sipped your coffee, you noticed a few people giving you odd looks. It made you very nervous. “Maybe we should finish up and get back on the road?” you asked Darcy as you quietly motioned toward the other patrons getting their daily fix of caffeine.

“Yeah, bubbe isn’t answering me anyway,” Darcy said as she picked up her phone and got up from her chair. By now there were several residents blocking the exit. “What is your problem? We paid. We’re busing our table. Then we’re leaving.”

“Are The Avengers going to hunt her down?” one woman in the back of the group asked as Darcy looked back toward you and mouthed the word “Help” before turning back to the crowd. The questioner was loud, but you couldn’t see her because of the big delivery man standing in front of her with a huge pile of Amazon packages. “Why did you come back?”

It was time to vamp. With an apparently faulty memory, this was going to be interesting.

“Before you all ask about what is going to happen regarding Wanda Maximoff, I want you all to know I have no authority to speak for The Avengers. I have never been a true member of the team. I helped them at a time when things were beyond bleak for this world. It was an honor and a privilege. But I am not a spokesperson. I am not a team leader.”

“Then why did you come here?” a man with glasses, holding a briefcase, asked from the line where he was waiting for his order. “Then and now?”

“I came the first time because I was looking for my friend. I was pulled into that nightmare just like you were. I wish I had been able to help her before any of this happened.”

“But you have powers, right? Couldn’t you have shut her down, hot stuff?” the first woman added as she moved to the front. Then you recognized her. Agatha Harkness. If Wanda kept her alive, there was a reason for it, and all the pain you had rising in your core had to be tamped down fast. Harkness had hurt Wanda, and that would have to be addressed one day. You were good at playing the long game.

“Taking her out in any sort of power stunt could have jeopardized your lives. I was not sure what she did to make it all happen, and I was not going to risk your lives. I’m sorry it wasn’t put to an end sooner. Now, if you will excuse us, we need to get to a meeting regarding the incident here,” you said as you and Darcy pushed through the crowd and back out to the street.

“OK, what was all that? Spin? Or are you remembering something?” Darcy asked as you got back into her car. You had left your rental on the outskirts of town. Better to travel as a unit until your business here was concluded.

“I remember a couple of things from that mess,” you said as you tried to keep your hands from shaking. “I remember Wanda and Vision’s sons. Billy and Tommy. I remember the house where I lived. Can we drive out to where Wanda had her house? Maybe that will help?”

Darcy pulled out of the parking space and made the lefts and rights to the lot where Wanda’s house had been. The one you were living in was in a lot right next to it. It was empty now, too, but you got out of the car anyway and stood in the center of the patch of dirt. You closed your eyes and held your breath as you tried to piece together what had happened. And then you started to cry as you fell to your knees.

“Whoa, slow down,” Darcy said as she ran and knelt beside you. “What did you see?”

“It’s weird. Wanda came over one day and more or less apologized to me because she couldn’t give me my real happy ending. I can show you, if you’ll let me…”

“Go into my mind?” Darcy protested before you could wave her off the idea. “No Vulcan mind melds for me today, thanks.”

“No, I carry this mirror, and you can see memories in it. Trust me, I do not use telepathy as a first line of anything. I tried it once, to help a friend, but it just caused more problems,” you groaned as you pulled the mirror out of your backpack. You waved your hand over it, and Darcy could now see what had happened with Wanda.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t find them and bring them here,” the Sokovian said quietly as she walked around the 1980s version of what was your living room. It was way too pastel for your liking, but the hints of fuchsia, orchid and teal in the overall cream and light gray design weren’t so bad. You had a couple of cats there with you. One was an orange tabby with a penchant for eating tuna at any given moment. He was warm and affectionate and just a ray of sunshine dressed in fur. The other was as white as the driven snow, but his own cuddly disposition came through. He was the one who would leave you weird gifts every morning. Rocks, feathers, and yes, the occasional dead mouse would be at the foot of your bed each sunrise. You’d find out at the end of that nightmare that the cats were only constructs of Wanda’s chaos magic.

“I know you miss the three of them,” she continued as she pointed to a framed picture of Steve, Bucky and Sam, all decked out in appropriate 1980s clothes that made them look like they ran away from some cop drama. “It’s probably better that there aren’t too many Avengers here anyway. Vis is getting concerned. And this way, well, no one needs to know which one you would have chosen. I know. You know. So you can always talk to me. Like we did before. But I gave you the wedding ring to make sure no one came on to you. Just in case I can get him here soon.”

As you showed Darcy the memory, a tiny part of you was screaming that this whole scenario seemed wrong. You watched Wanda’s crimson glow float around you as she spoke. You vaguely remembered The Morrigan trying to kick some sense back into your addled brain, but Wanda’s world was much too enticing to let your other self come to the fore. You wanted the damned happily ever after with the husband and the house and everything that meant in the modern American ethos. You had rationalized things for years in such a way that you’d never let yourself get it. That was why no one was here to hug you at night like Wanda had Vision. Maybe that fact alone was enough to crack Wanda’s hold on you a bit more than she realized?

But you also had to admit that you wanted to be there for Wanda in case things went south. That much was clear from the moment you showed up in Westview the first time.

“How come you didn’t just zap her? Fight back?” Darcy asked as you fully shifted to the present day and paused the memory.

“Because she wasn’t wrong. I did miss Bucky, Steve and Sam. I missed Banner, too, because they were, in the end, the ones still here that cared if I lived or died. And Spider-Man. Which is random and weird, but he did. And frankly, what I said in the coffee shop was true. I had no idea what my powers would do to her spell. I could have leveled the town. That was not an option.”

“So, that Agatha woman…” Darcy started to say and then stopped. “Wait. That was her? In the coffee shop? That was why you were acting so weird?”

“Yeah. Wanda could have killed her or taken Agatha away with her to imprison her. She didn’t. After what Agatha tried to do to Wanda, to try and take her powers, Wanda had every right to finish her off. But Wanda doesn’t likely know all that yet. There are rules set up from ages ago. Things witches can and can’t do to each other under specific circumstances. So Wanda left her trapped here—for now anyway. But, whatever happened with them, it affected me, too. I got hit with stray magic blasts. I’m betting it messed up my powers in ways I didn’t realize. And maybe my memories as well.”

As Darcy knelt there, her phone finally chimed. It was some weird little R2-D2 chirpy beep, and she looked elated as she showed you the message. “Seems Bruce still cares if you are OK or not. I don’t think bringing him here is such a great idea…”

“Did anyone send him data about what happened here?” you asked as you got to your feet, pocketing some of the dirt from the lot before you stood up. “Air and soil samples? Readings from the residents?”

“I can get them for him. Trust me, Jimmy Woo and Monica Rambeau would be more than happy to help. I’m glad that loon Hayward seems to have gone into hiding or was hauled away to The Raft,” Darcy noted as she checked her phone again. “Seems the doc is working out of a Stark lab here in Jersey. Road trip?”

You really didn’t want to go see Bruce. You had no idea how you’d explain any of what you did to him.

++++++++++

You rehearsed what you planned to tell Bruce a million times in your mind as Darcy drove along the Garden State Parkway to a place called Woodcliff Lake. Stark Industries did indeed have a lab there, and it made you want to scream as you walked into the facility. You did not need yet another reminder that you could not save Tony Stark’s life at the end of that final battle with Thanos. That was part of why you were in this mess in the first place. It was also why you had a screaming fight with Stephen Strange, but no one else knew about that yet.

“Dr. Banner? We’re here!” Darcy yelled as you walked toward what had to be the research wing. The lack of security in the place was a bit disturbing, but then again, there were probably booby traps built into every square inch of the place. You could just hear Tony now as you got closer to the lab area. It would likely have been close to the speech you got the first time he talked to you at the compound.

“Hey! Lucky Charms! Don’t touch any of the expensive stuff. I guess that means don’t touch anything. I still have no idea why you are hanging around the team except that Steve wants you here for some reason. Maybe you’re tied to…his friend…and I just don’t want to face that? Still have issues with all of that, even if the man is dead. Pepper and Morgan said I should be nice to you, but I’m not quite there yet after what happened in Berlin. They are better people than I’ll ever be.”

“Earth to Kari?” you finally heard Bruce say as he waved his massive green hand in front of your face. Then he realized why you were likely spacing out. "Dr. Lewis, can we have a minute?”

“You can call me Darcy, if I can call you Bruce?” Lewis said as Banner nodded to her. “Cool. I’ll go find the little scientist’s room and be right back,” she added as she left the lab.

“So,” Bruce started as he pointed you toward a set of chairs at one side of the lab, “Darcy filled me in via text. I have no idea what happened with Wanda, and I know none of us know where she is. I did call a friend who wants to help,” he noted as a swirling circle of yellow light formed near the window that looked out over the parking lot. “I figured you’d listen to him, and he knows more about this stuff than I do.”

“What did you do?” Wong shouted as he exited the portal. “You usually listen to reason. Why did you go after Wanda all alone?”

“I went to help Wanda. She was hurting. She watched Vision die twice. She lost Pietro. I can relate to all that very, very well. My twin Branan died in front of my eyes, too, and I’ve buried two husbands. Both died in battle. I just wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. But she…she hit all my vulnerable points. And she was under attack at the same time. From a woman named Agatha Harkness and from the director of SWORD. Some martinet named Hayward. He built another Vision. I think Hayward was using Wanda’s powers to bring him to life. Darcy is going to check in with some of the people who worked with her to get you more intel, Bruce.”

“Another version of Vision? Great,” Bruce muttered as he looked over at Wong. “As for this Harkness person…”

“The name rings very small bells, so I’ll need to do some research,” Wong noted as you bumped your left fist against your forehead. “What?”

“Harkness is a succubus. And she is old. Not as old as I am, but she is still a good 400 years old, give or take a day. She apparently survived the Salem Witch Trials. Wanda spelled her and left her in Westview. I think she is, at least in small ways, aware that her world is all wrong. I didn’t want to press it when I saw her in that coffee shop. We do not need an angry succubus flying around. Wong, they got into an aerial battle, and Wanda was using sigils, runes, whatever you want to call them, to focus her power. I think she picked that up from good old Aggie. I never showed her anything like that on purpose. I always suspected she had magic in her bones, but it wasn’t my place to start that fire. The bigger issue is that Wanda conjured up two children while she was there. She created cats for me, so anything is possible. I got knocked out by the end of the fight, so I have no idea what exactly happened in the end other than Wanda running off and Agatha being left behind for some reason.”

“And?” Wong asked as he started to look you up and down. “You did a spell? And it went bad? Your aura is all messed up.”

“I…I tried to do a spell so The Avengers would think of me less and less, and then eventually I’d just be a fleeting memory. I felt walking away in the dead of night, the thing I usually do when I am leaving town, would not be good enough. The spell got botched, and now I’m connected in some fashion to Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes. Looking back at it, I spent more time with them in the days leading up to my departure. Steve and Bruce were there the day I left, and so were Sam and Bucky. And…I’m carrying a lot of guilt about Bucky after his accident in 1943.”

“All this on top of the magical circus Wanda made? Are you insane?” Wong yelled as he started to pace.

“And the fight I had with Stephen on the day of the battle. Yeah, I guess I am insane,” you replied as Wong threw up his hands. Bruce had gotten extremely quiet, and that was not a good thing.

“Before we get to dissecting your spell, Kari, was this because of what Tony said? About you not being an Avenger because you were…?”

“Unstable? Yes. And the fact I could not bring anyone back from the grave, especially during that last battle. And the fact about who killed his parents. Buck did while under Hydra control. Steve found out and never told Tony. I ran into The Winter Soldier a few times over the decades, so there was the chance I could have prevented their deaths, too. Tony really had no reason to ask me to join the band.”

“Once we get your spell problem sorted, then we will address this, too,” Bruce said as he looked toward Wong and shook his head. “I loved Tony like a brother, but he was wrong…”

You winced a few times as you tried to listen to Bruce and Wong, now joined once again by Darcy, as they tried to figure out how to fix or reverse that spell, and they hashed out what might have happened to you during that first trip to Westview. You were really trying to focus on their questions, but you felt a tug that no one else could ever have possibly felt.

“Baltimore,” you mumbled as you pulled out your cellphone and debated texting the person you felt tugging at that damned invisible string. No. That would have ended badly, especially since your original spell had gone haywire.

“Bucky Barnes was arrested?” Darcy asked as she showed you her phone alert. “I bet he punched that new fake Cap in the nose. Sorry, but that guy looks like he has no clue. I saw him on Good Morning America. Total cheese fest.”

“Wait. What?” you asked as you took her phone. “Sam didn’t keep the shield? I just hope Bucky didn’t punch Sam and wind up in jail for that!” You gave Darcy back her phone and looked at yours again. It was buzzing. “Anyone here know who the hell is Christina Raynor?” you asked the trio in front of you. No one had any clue about that. You hit the speaker button as you answered the call.

“Hello? Ms. MacOrish. I’m James Barnes’ therapist, Christina Raynor. Sam Wilson said I should give you a call and ask you to join us in Baltimore. As quickly as possible, if you can. I don’t think Mr. Barnes wants to spend the night in a holding cell.”

“Oh no, you are not going to Baltimore,” Wong said as he crossed his arms and got a stern look on his face. “Not while your head is all over the place. You could portal to Baltimore in the 1800s for all you know. You could end up eating lunch with Lord Baltimore in the 1700s. You really shouldn’t do this.”

“Wong, what better place for me to go than to see a therapist?” you said with a smirk as you opened your own portal, this one a lovely shade of emerald green, that went to where Raynor was waiting for you—outside an interrogation room at the city jail.

“Mr. Wilson said you’d be fast. He did not tell me you were one of the powered class,” Raynor said as you went through the portal, looking back to wave briefly as you heard Darcy’s last comment.

“What about your rental car?”

[ikevamp-annalyne]

Oh, oh, oh!! If you're still taking requests, can I ask for the suitors with a rat lover s/o? (if all is too much then pick those who would ve for it). Maybe that they take them everywhere in a pocket, sleeve or a hood, teaches them tricks and just vibes with them? I am a rat mamma and those cuties are my besties, I do all of those things with ma boiz ^^ thank youu

Hi dearie!!! >w< Thank you so much for the request :'3 I am sorry I forgot to include teaching tricks but I hope you will like it!

Napoleon:

"So, you like rats?" He asks while you are petting one of your cutie baby rats. "Yes I do! They are just too cute to handle!!!" He chuckles as he comes closer. "Can I pet one? Looks so soft and small..." You nod and he pets the rat's head with his nails. The rat loves it and climbs on his hand, up to his face, "kissing" Napoleon with its nose. And Napoleon loves it. They grow so close that if your rats are missing, you know they are with Napoleon.

Mozart:

He has nothing against your rats, really. But he is afraid they might eat his music sheets and if it happened, he would be so mad it would take time for you to get his "trust" back. Even though you assure him your rats are well-behaved! If you are both in your room, he will scratch their head a bit, but nothing more. He still has in head the Black Death pandemic he heard of. But he doesn't hate them, eventually feeding them if you're out.

Leonardo:

This man loves animals so he will be giant teddy bear cooing at the sight of them, petting them, caressing them and kissing them. Lumiere is a chill cat so he will never attack them. They even cuddle together... When you are working, he takes care of them: food, pats, scratches, even playing with them. Most of the time, you find Leonardo sleeping with Lumiere curled up on his laps and your rats sleeping on the cat's back or between his paws.

Arthur:

He finds them cute. Cute as buttons. He will always go to scratch them, pet them, hold them. He likes to have them on his desk while he writes. Even if they are just sleeping! However, he did get angry once, when one of them ran to him and spilled ink all over his writing sheets. He got mad at them but then felt guilty. So he bought a small cat tree and he put them on it so they can play and climb without disturbing his work.

Vincent:

Cuties. He loves painting them for training. And he lets them sleep on his bed, under Brush's curious gaze. Brush loves them and will hold them in his paws, even letting them climb on him. Your rats like seeing Vincent paint: they even got paint on their paws and added tiny prints on one of his paintings! If Theo was dead mad, Vincent found it so cute he put the painting on the floor and let the rats and Brush have fun painting on it. He hung it in his room.

Theodorus:

He is much more comfortable with big animals, but he doesn't mind them. He is not that fond of them but he likes seeing you all over them. Reminds him of how close he is to King. He will take care of them if you ask him, feeding them and brushing them. He occasionally scratches their heads, too. However, he doesn't want them out of the cage: he is afraid that King or him crush them unintentionally because they were on the floor...

Isaac:

He likes small animals so he loves them! So easier to hold and take care of! He will buy a cute basket to which he will add fluffy fabrics so that Harry and your babies can sleep in peace while he is working. He will take breaks to pet them, feed them, give them water, etc. Once, your babies pooped on his work... He was in despair but he held it in and just put them back in their cage -but he cried when he went to bed-

Jean:

Let's be honest: he was born very soon after the Black Death pandemy. And rats were seen as the cause of this plague at this time. So he has troubles believing it when you say they are clean and not transmitting any disease. He will always be fidgeting when you are around him with your babies climbing on you. But if you are holding them, he will try to pet them because he trusts you. He will eventually scratch their head, but only once.

Dazai:

He loves having Bunta on one shoulder and one of your babies on the other while he is writing. Tiny animals are always so cute, looking over what you're doing! He will always have tiny bits of cheese or crackers to give them, feeding them over his shoulder. He also likes having them run wild on his desk. Even though they spill ink from time to time. He will make drawings out of the ink stains they do and show them proudly to you.

William:

He doesn't dislike them but he is not very fond of them. He likes seeing you crazy over them, just like he is with Puck. He will buy rat food, a bit of treats, and even a cage so that you can keep them in his house, without having to bring everything from the mansion. However, they need to be careful: Puck is so very jealous and possessive that she tried to kill one of them when it licked Will's hand. You need to always keep an eye on them.

Comte:

Oh sweet Lord, he is head over heels for them just like he is for you. Expect him to baby talk them, to feed them extremely expensive food and treats and to find them cuddling. Time really likes them too, so they are often sleeping together. One day, the rats were sleeping in Time's empty bowl and Time was just, staring at them and occasionally licking them. Comte loves to nap on his sofa with Time and the rats curled up on his lap.

Sebastian:

At first, he doesn't like them. He knows rats are clean, but he fears them pooping everywhere and munching everything if let outside their cage. He asks you to always keep them locked when he is there. But you know, Sebastian learns fast. So he starts to grow fond of the babes. But he will always hide it, because he doesn't want you to find out and use it as an excuse to let the rats run everywhere in the rooms and kitchen.

Hope you enjoyed it! ^×^

[pocketsizedsam-blog1]

The Unexpected Perks of Being a Nanny~ Chapter Six

Pairing: Jared x Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: Swearing (possibly)

Later that day, you saw a post from Jared hinting at your relationship. All the likes on the photo made it extremely intimidating for you!

Fans were commenting like crazy, wondering who the mystery girl was. It felt like a rush of adrenaline, the fans not knowing that you were the lucky girl. Some fans were hoping it was Gen, others speculated it was you. Some didn’t think it was either of you. Jared was home that day around six thirty. You already had supper made. Another week and the boys were back with the cutest little tag along ever! Gen congratulated you on your relationship with Jared. She stayed for the night while you were getting used to Odette, the things she likes to do, her eating and sleeping schedules.

Your first day with Odette and the two boys was going good. It was about ten thirty and Odette was ready to be fed again. She lied back in your arms, drinking the bottle. She was trying to hold it up herself, which is always a good sign! Jared was texting you while you were feeding Odette, becoming very impatient when you didn’t answer back, until she finished most of her bottle. As you were about to text him back, he called you.

“Jared, I was feeding Odette.” You grumbled.

“Oh, um- Sorry.” He sighed. “I was just checking in and normally you answer back right away. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” You partially giggled. “How’s work?”

You put Odette up on your shoulder and started to burp her.

“Work’s busy… As always. How’s your work?”

“Pretty chill actually. The boys are in the playroom and I’m here burping your little angel.”

“Our little angel.”  

“Our ?” You choked.

“Sorry, sorry. Too soon.” Jared murmured.

You stayed silent for a minute.

“Jared, I got to go. Odette’s getting a little fussy.” You frowned, setting her down in your lap.

“Yeah, I got to go too. Bye, Y/N.”

“Bye.” You said quietly and hung up.

You threw your phone down onto the coffee table and lied back on the couch, laying Odette in your arms. You laid her on your chest and rubbed her back.

“I think your daddy is jumping the gun a little bit, ‘Dette.” You cooed, rocking her back and forth.

She grunted in response.

“Yeah, me too.” You giggled. “I mean, he’s a really great guy- and I love him and all, but… you know.”

Another grunt. Odette let out a little cry and grunted again.

“Are you trying to have a poop?”

Odette started crying a little more and scrunched up her nose, going a little red in the face.

“Oh baby,” you sat her up and rubbed her tummy.

When you figured she had finished, you put her on the change table.

“What a stinky poop, Odette!” You groaned. “You should save all these big poops for daddy and give me the small ones.”

You made faces at Odette to keep her happy. She gave you her belly laugh! Tom called your name as he wandered the halls.

“Y/N! Me and Sheppy are hungry!”

“I’ll get you a snack when I’m finished changing Odette, okay?”

You brought Odette out to her playpen and went into the kitchen to wash your hands. You pulled various fruits out of the fridge and started cutting them up. Your mind somewhere else, you almost took a chunk out of your finger with the knife. You heard Odette babbling in her playpen and your heard the boys playing one of their favorite games, KILL ULTRON! The boys were absolutely obsessed with Marvel. You finished cutting up the fruit and grabbed a plastic tray. You put all the fruit on this plastic tray, then go some cheese and some Ritz crackers.

“Y/N!” Thomas called out impatiently.

“I’m coming buddy!” You smiled, making your way into the living room. “Sit up on the couch okay boys? I’ll go get you some juice.”

Both boys took a seat on the couch and started to munch. You came back with closed cover juice containers, just so the boys didn’t accidentally spill some on the couch. Odette started to whine.

“Do you feel left out babe?” You picked Odette up and set her down on your lap.

She played with your shirt, occasionally reaching for something either Thomas or Shepherd was holding. Each boy pulling their hand away as if their food was gold. At almost six months old, she was starting to hold her head up and she was starting to become even more aware of what was going on around her.

“So, Thomas, are you excited to be starting Kindergarten?”

“Yeah, I guess so, Y/N. Were you excited to go to school?”

“I think I was!” You smiled.

Your phone lit up and you heard a ding. It was a text message from Lacee. You never expected to hear from her again. You left her in a bit of a tizzy the day after the graduation. You were so angry that she didn’t remember the crucial and tear jerking things about your life that you told her.

Lacee <10:58 AM>: Want to get a coffee and talk things through?

Y/N <11:00 AM>: Later? I’m with Thomas, Shepherd and Odette. Unless you want to meet me at the park to talk.

Lacee <11:03 AM>: Yeah, sure give me ten minutes.

“Boys, do you want to go to the park?” You smiled towards them, turning off the TV.

Both boys nodded yes. You laid Odette down in the playpen again so you could go pick up all the stuff you needed for the park. You pulled on a light sweater and clipped the Lenny Lamb around your waist. You grabbed sweaters for the boys and Odette. You picked the small girl up and pulled her sweater over her arms. You placed her in the Lenny Lamb so she was facing outwards. You grabbed her little booties and put them in a travel bag.

“Go get your shoes guys.” You said softly as Thomas zipped up his sweater.

“Y/N, I needs help!” Shep exclaimed.

You kneeled in front of him and did up his sweater for him.

“There you go, buddy.” You smiled.

Thomas brought out yours and Shepherd’s shoes. He already had his own on and smiled big. You helped Shep pull his shoes on, then you slipped into your own.

“Can’t forget these!” You murmured to yourself, grabbing your set of keys to the house.

The last thing you packed were a couple of snacks for the boys, bottles of water for Arlo, a bottle, extra diapers and extra wipes for Odette.

“Arlo! C’mere boy!” You called, shaking his leash.

The metal ring and hook made a jingling noise and Arlo came running. The boys were already outdoors on the deck waiting for you. Shepherd held your left hand and Thomas held onto Arlo’s leash with you. The walk to the park was a piece of cake! By the time you got there, Lacee was already waiting for you.

“You guys can go on and play.” You smiled softly.

Thomas looked up at you, his eyes wide.

“Y/N, she was really mean to you.” He frowned.

Thomas had a great memory. Shep never paid heed to Lacee, just ran off into the park and started climbing on the structures. Thomas was obviously worried that Lacee was going freak out again.

“Thomas buddy, It’s okay. I promise.” You bent down and pressed a kiss against his forehead.

Tom looked up to Lacee, his eyes still wide. They slimmed out as he glared, just a tiny bit.

“Please don’t be mean to Y/N. She really nice.” Satisfied, Thomas skipped off and started playing with Shep.

“Sorry, Thomas’s always worrying about other people.” You chuckled, taking a seat on the park bench.

You took the straps of the Lenny Lamb off your shoulders and slipped Odette around your waist. You sat her on your lap and pulled the carrier off her.

“Say hi Lacee!” You helped Odette wave her hand.

Lacee waved back. Arlo laid down on top of your feet and let out a big huff while trying to get comfortable.

“I’m really sorry about that day. You never did anything to make me do drugs and drink all that alcohol, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m giving that up, I want you to know that.”

“I’m glad, those things aren’t good for you, Lace, just know I’m always here for you. I wish I had handled things differently. I almost lost you as a friend.” You half smiled  down at Odette.

“You never did anything wrong, it was me that blew everything out of proportion. And about what I said the last time we spoke. It totally slipped my mind. I shouldn’t have said that either. I didn’t have the right.” Lacee rambled on.

“It’s okay, Lace. I forgive you.”

You two sat in silence for a few minutes. Odette babbled and flailed her hands up and down.

“So… are you the mystery girl?” Lacee started off quietly, giggling a bit.

“The mystery girl? What mystery girl?” You cocked your head to the side in confusion.

“Oh, come on, Y/N! You are totally the mystery girl!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lace.”

“You are Jared Padalecki’s oh-so-secret girlfriend!”  

“If you promise not to say anything, I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

“My lips are sealed!” She squealed.

You nodded your head yes, “we started going out about a week ago.”

“Congratulations.” She smiled, her eyes wandering back out into the park. “Hey, isn’t he one of yours?’”

You followed Lacee’s out into the park. One little boy with dark brown hair was face down into the rocks. Quickly, you placed Odette in lacee’s lap and unclipped the Lenny Lamb, leaving it on the park bench. You let go of Arlo’s leash and pushed him off your feet. Quickly, Lacee held Odette close to her and reached down, grabbing the leash. You didn’t think Arlo would run away anyways. Jared had trained him well.

“Thomas!” You called out, running over to the boy.

You helped him pull himself up. Tom turned to you, his face dusty and blood streaming from his nose. He sobbed as you pulled him into you. You picked him up and brought him back over to the bench, Shepherd at your heels. Lacee had an arm around Odette who was becoming fussy. You sat Thomas up on your lap and you started to wipe away the dust and tears.

“Hang on buddy, I got some tissues in my bag.”

Panic set in your body as Tom kept crying. You pulled the box of tissues out of your bag and grabbed a couple. You wrapped them around his nose and added pressure. You tipped his head down a little bit.

“You’re okay, Thomas.” You whispered, kissing the side of his head. “I got you, you’re okay.”

You stopped his nosebleed and then checked him all over.

“We’re going to go home now buddy, and I’m going to call daddy to let him know what happened, okay?”

Tom shook his head yes.

“Y/N, carry me.” He sobbed, wrapping his arms around your neck.

“Alright buddy.” You turned to Lacee. “Do you mind carrying Odette home?”

“I don’t mind.”

Lacee buckled the carrier around her waist and put Odette in it, sliding it around so she could wear it like you wore it. You picked up all the remaining stuff and threw the travel bag over your shoulder.

“Shep can you hold onto Lacee’s hand please?”

Shep nodded and grabbed the hand that Lacee extended. Arlo walked alongside Lacee and Odette started to fall asleep when you started walking back home. You were broken up by the time you got home. Thomas turned into dead weight after a couple minutes of carrying him. You set him down long enough to unlock the door, then you picked him back up and bought him in. You laid him down on the couch and went into the kitchen, putting some ice cubes in a plastic baggie. You gave it to Thomas and he placed them on his nose. Then, you helped Lacee get Odette off her chest. The sleeping baby stirred a little bit.

“Can you just sit down with the boys for a few minutes?” You whispered. “I’m going to put Odette down for a nap and then I’m going to call Jared.”

Lacee nodded and went over to the couch. You brought Odette upstairs and rocked her back to sleep, then you gently laid her down in the crib. You pulled out your phone as you closed Odette’s door. You leaned up against the wall and stared down at your lock screen- a picture of you, Jared, Thomas and Shepherd. You took a deep breath as you dialed Jared’s number, worried about how he would react.

Tags: 

@inevergaveuplarry @nanie5 @reachforthestarsgirl

[almaasi]

GISHWHES 2016 List Of Items

Lots of other people have posted this list since 2016’s scavenger hunt, but I’m uploading it here (drastically belated, I know) for my own collection. The 2016 hunt ran between July 31st and August 5th, and the winning team went to Iceland with Misha Collins. This list contains all of the hunt items, their value in points, and whether they were submitted as photos or videos - including deleted items. (Registration for the 2017 hunt closes VERY SOON, and this may be the final hunt! Sign up at gishwhes.com!)

[ see also: 2011 list // 2012 list // 2013 list // 2014 list // 2015 list ]

Disclaimer: I am not Misha Collins, nor am I directly affiliated with him, or any of his team at gishwhes.com. However, they did apparently name their 2012 Fograt mascot after this tumblr blog. Which is the coolest thing that’s ever happened, obviously. (“Tales of an Injured Fog Rat” was created in 2010 with that title. I’ve been archiving the item lists since the hunt’s conception in 2011).

Also, yes, the cursor is a penis. I’m only a little bit sorry.

#1. PHOTO or VIDEO. 32 POINTS. There’s something you used to do for your significant other when you first met them. Something that made them smile… It’s been years since you did this. Do it now.

#2. VIDEO. 123 POINTS. A freight train engine pulling a tiny flatcar (a utility flatcar, not a big cargo flatcar) with a woman dressed in Victorian attire, sitting at a writing desk with a vase of flowers on it, writing a letter to her beloved.

#3. PHOTO or VIDEO. 21 POINTS. “Someday your face will freeze like that!” said every mother ever. The 2016 Summer Olympics has added Competitive Gurning to their roster and you are your country’s champion. Put on your Olympic uniform and let’s see your medal-winning, face-making moves. Judgment will be on technical merit, artistry, and execution. A perfect 10 takes the gold.

#4. PHOTO or VIDEO. 57 POINTS. Dentist's offices are notorious for playing dreary elevator music. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Get dental work done while a string quartet plays live music in the room.

#5. PHOTO or VIDEO. 37 POINTS. In the middle of a mall food court, you and a friend (one or more) play a nice game of badminton - we must see the tennis whites, the net, rackets, etc.

#6. PHOTO. 54 POINTS. Submit two images, side-by-side. If you have or know a child under 6, have them draw a family portrait. Now, get your family to pose EXACTLY as they drew you all in the drawing. Try to replicate the clothing, individual heights and anything you need to do or add to your bodies to contort them to what the child drew.

#7. VIDEO. 44 POINTS. Are you still jogging occasionally? Good. Be sure to try out this year's latest fashion craze: pineapple shell shoes with matching pineapple caps to protect you from the sun. Let’s see you (carefully) jogging in public.

#8. VIDEO. 87 POINTS. Get "This week, GISHWHES is making the world measurably weirder…” or similar text on the news ticker at the bottom of the screen of a major network or cable news channel.

#9. PHOTO. 27 POINTS. Care homes, rehab facilities, and hospitals have many patients and clients who can't read for themselves. Contact a local center and offer your services to read for an hour or two (or more) during the Hunt Week. If photo evidence with the patient is a sensitive issue, ask the care staff for a photo or documentary evidence of your contribution. - Monica Duff

#10. PHOTO. 26 POINTS. Find the coupon section from your most recent newspaper. Cut out at least five coupons. Go to the store and leave the coupons on the shelf taped next to the relevant items with a note “From the Coupon Fairy!”. - Elizabeth Fiedler

#11. PHOTO. 47 POINTS. You (a human) must re-enact this photo (not pets allowed): http://markobbie.com/wordpress1/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/dog-firehose.jpg

#12. PHOTO. 58 POINTS. I have to travel a lot for work, so I’ve learned a thing or two about working the system. It turns out, if you package yourself properly you can send yourself by mail for a fraction of the cost of an airline ticket. Transform your appearance into a first-class parcel and have a friend deliver you to the post office for shipping. Don’t actually ship yourself— just get a photo of your packaged self being weighed at the post office, in a bin at a post office with other packages, or being loaded into a mail truck.

#13. PHOTO. 32 POINTS. It’s a well-known fact that Pablo Picasso was a huge “Supernatural” fan. He painted portraits of Mark Sheppard, Jensen Ackles, Ruth Connell, Sam Smith, Richard Speight Jr., Matt Cohen, Jared Padalecki, Andrew Dabb, Rob Benedict, Misha Collins, Bob Singer, and many of the other cast and crew members. Sadly, until now, these great works have been lost to the world. Fortunately, your team has unearthed one of these priceless works.

#14. PHOTO. 38 POINTS. Live your dream. You know, the one you had while you were sleeping last night. - Julie Reynolds

#15. PHOTO or VIDEO. 105 POINTS. (slow-mo or real-time). This is the final showdown between the Haves and the Have-nots. Show up Monday afternoon at NO LATER than 12 PM at Dolores Park in San Francisco (the flat side of the park at Dolores Park entrance). If your team name has an odd number of letters in it, you are an executive and you must dress business-snazzy. If your team name has an even number of letters in it, you are a member of the proletariate and you must dress in over-alls or blue-collar apparel. Bring at least 12 water balloons (pre-filled with water). At exactly 12:10 PM, the ultimate water balloon battle will ensue. It will last exactly 7 minutes! After this time has expired, the battle will be over and BOTH teams MUST clean up the water-balloon shrapnel (see below). You must have a friend capture the event with a video or photo (don’t get your phones wet) or, if you don’t have a photographer attending with you, you may get a photo with the gishwhes representative at the event—they will be wearing a royal blue beanie. You must circle "you" or your representative (if you don't live near SF) in the image that you submit so we can identify that you were there. IMPORTANT! Participants must collect and dispose of ALL balloon shrapnel at the end of the battle. Otherwise, seagulls will eat them and they will die a horribly painful and drawn-out death. Have you ever read the “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”? Why not? What’s wrong with you? Let’s just say killing an albatross (which, although from a completely different family (Diomedeidae) than the seagull (Charadriiformes), they do both have wings, and think the ocean is a good place to poop - so they are pretty much brothers) is not good karma and it shall haunt you for life. So be a responsible Gisher and don’t leave until the debris is gone.

#16. PHOTO. 56 POINTS. Your yard needs an upgrade. It's too expensive to do proper landscaping, so let's just dress it up nicely... with every item of clothing you own displayed in a beautiful, artistic manner on the trees, bushes, cars, patio furniture, fountain, etc. Have your neighbors over in the middle of it for a yard-warming party if you wish.

#17. VIDEO. 39 POINTS. Give your dog a slow, massaging soap bath in a kiddie pool in a crowded pedestrian area. If it's cold out, use a large stuffed animal instead. Relaxing spa music should be playing in the background. - Tracy Liu

#18. PHOTO. 67 POINTS Recreate a painting by Goya in candy.

#19. PHOTO. 58 POINTS. It’s such a strange feeling lying in a coffin almost completely buried in popcorn with only your face showing. Trust me. I know.

#20. PHOTO. 29 POINTS. Handcraft at least 3 birthday cards and send them to this young man: http://abc7.com/society/boy-from-big-bear-with-severe-autism-wishes-for-birthday-cards/1424726/ - Elizabeth Madsen

#21. PHOTO. 41 POINTS. Re-create a monument or landmark using tree branches and twigs right next to the original monument or landmark. The structure must be over 4 feet high.

#22. PHOTO. 41 POINTS. [REMOVED:] Find a pet that can easily and happily be kept in an enclosed terrarium: a lizard, turtle, snake, rodent, or even an injured bird. This animal must be a rescue animal; it cannot be acquired at a pet store. Now, introduce this animal to its new family: an elementary school classroom that will care for it. The classroom must have the means and facilities to humanely care for it.

#23. PHOTO. 79 POINTS. The versatility of corn is amazing— it has so many uses! However, there's no better use for corn than this year's must-have fashion statement: the Corn Husk Bikini or Corn Husk Evening Wear! Feel free to color the husks, as well as to accent and accessorize with kernels.

#24. PHOTO. 53 POINTS. Paint a watermelon to look like the head of a famous dictator (past or present) and place it at the base of one of the cannons at Dawes Point under the Harbour Bridge in Sydney, Australia. You will likely see other watermelons there. To make sure your photo submission is different from any other team’s, you must stack or display the watermelons artistically. If they are already stacked or displayed in an artistic manner, you must thoughtfully re-stack and rearrange them.

#25. VIDEO. 48 POINTS. Let’s see a bad lip reading of a Supernatural episode in this style: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w8Z0UOXVaY - Julie Reynolds

#26. PHOTO. 61 POINTS. Drones are just the first step in machines’ efforts to take over the world. Let's end this battle before it starts! Let's see an epic picture of you squaring off against a flying drone in your mightiest battle pose. You must be geared for battle though... Use anything from your kitchen or pantry to create your armour and weaponry.

#27. PHOTO. 94 POINTS. Dress up your pet as a well-known public figure (actor, politician, musician, etc.) and get a photo of your pet with the ACTUAL public figure it is dressed up as. Make sure the pet looks as much like the public figure as possible (wardrobe, hair, etc.).

#28. VIDEO. 48 POINTS. Submit your video in slow motion.You are throwing an elegant party. Show us your sophistication by decanting red wine directly into your guests’ mouths. Properly aerate the wine by pouring it from at least 2 stories above the guests. The guests, of course, must be wearing white.

#29. PHOTO. 36 POINTS. Recently there has been a lot of news about bottled water and how much of it is just urban tap water sold in a bottle with a fancy label. It’s an unregulated sham. That said, it seems like a pretty good way to make a buck, but at this point the bottled water market is pretty saturated. Set up a stand on a public walkway to sell “fresh air” from your city in bottles with compelling labels.

#30. VIDEO. 43 POINTS. Dub a “Beavis and Butthead” cartoon with actual audio clips from Barack Obama and Donald Trump as the voices for Beavis and Butthead respectively.

#31. PHOTO. 46 POINTS. Personify the name of a street sign. - Erin Atkinson

#32. PHOTO. 39 POINTS. We all learned from the movie “The Secret” that vision boards and positive affirmations have the power to help you manifest really important things in your life like sports cars and boundless riches. Now I’m sure everyone probably wants a red sports car and immeasurable wealth, but we want to see your vision board that depicts aspects of your life that transcend the trappings of material status. Make a collage from magazines of the things which cannot be bought or sold that you would like more of in your life.

#33. PHOTO. 33 POINTS. Rainbow teeth.

#34. PHOTO. 31 POINTS. We’ve seen Jensen Ackles portraits in Skittles. What about Jensen Ackles on Skittles? Draw a tiny Ackles on a single Skittle. Post a photo of the Skittle portrait in the palm of your hand.

#35. PHOTO or VIDEO. 44 POINTS. In support of the documentary “Alive Inside,” find one person with Alzheimer's or some form of dementia and learn what their favorite tunes were when they were young. Make them a playlist of those songs and play it for them.

#36. PHOTO. 53 POINTS. If you, dear reader, happen to be someone who knows my mother, don’t spoil the fun by telling her about this… My mom doesn’t care that I'm on TV, she’s just not impressed. However, she turns into your typical proud mother when you bring up gishwhes. She loves GISHWHES and she hates that I won’t let her be on a team (but come on, how bad would it look if my mom’s team won?) Anyway, she loves gishwhes—she also loves birthdays. It just so happens that tomorrow, Monday, August 1st, is my mother's 70th birthday. Let's combine two of her favorite things: birthdays and gishwhes. I have secretly planted a GPS tracking device on my mother. Help me surprise her between the hours of 11:30AM and 1PM by showing up and saying happy birthday to her! Follow this link http://bit.ly/2astpwS to see exactly where we are. (Hint: It’ll be in the vicinity of Bellingham, WA.) Take a photo of yourself with my Mom in the background to submit as proof you completed this item.

#37. PHOTO. 37 POINTS. I believe that children are our future. Show us your futuristic robot baby.

#38. PHOTO or VIDEO. 1? POINTS.  [REMOVED:] Couch surfing. Really. Real couch, real surf in ocean water. Make it happen.

#39. PHOTO. 67 POINTS. There's a lot of talk about how undocumented immigrants or "illegal aliens" are taking away our jobs and using public services such as hospitals and schools. But I think the real thing to worry about is actual aliens from other planets. Prove that aliens are a drain on our civic infrastructure by showing an alien from space (this costuming has to be impeccable) displacing a citizen's job or clogging up our hospitals or prisons. Caption the image with a message about the dangers of aliens draining our civic infrastructure.

#40. VIDEO. 81 POINTS. We all know about "Transformers" - the cars and trucks that turn into super-robots. But what the movies and toy manufacturers have overlooked are all of the other less-celebrated, more mundane Transformers. For example, what about Burgertron? He transforms from a burger into a robot. Or Desktopatron? She is a desktop computer who transforms into a robot. Or Fiddletron? He’s a violin one minute, a robot the next. Show us a human in a Transformer costume that goes from household object to a bad-ass robot.

#41. PHOTO or VIDEO. 84 POINTS. Free range, grass-fed, small farm dairy cows in Northern Vermont have it rougher than most cows: the rolling hills, the verdant pastures, the way the flickering lights of summer’s fireflies mingle with the starlight, the smell of ripening raspberries wafting into their barns. Help a heifer in these dire circumstances forget her suffering. Treat a dairy cow to the most pampered milking session in human/bovine history. A minimum of three attendants must milk the cow. One person must be feeding her clover by hand as another gently milks her wearing satin gloves as another massages her gently. The attendants must be dressed in semi-formal attire. The milking must take place in a well-appointed living room.

#42. PHOTO. 45 POINTS. Let’s see a picture of you and a friend, dressed as Jedi knights, enjoying a root beer float at the White Turkey Drive-In in Conneaut, Ohio, or at another 1950s-style dining facility. Bonus points for being served by a Sith. - L.S.

#43. VIDEO. 52 POINTS. This video may be 25 seconds or less. Create the world’s first human piano. Get multiple people to stand in one line dressed in black and white as piano keys, with each leg a different key (two keys per person). Then “play” them: have them lift their heels several inches off the ground, and when you press down their leg they sing, hum or grunt the corresponding note (pitch perfect, please). When you remove your hand, their leg goes back up. Two or more legs down at the same time makes a chord. Play chopsticks (or another familiar ditty) more or less in tune.

#44. PHOTO. 61 POINTS. Two elderly men playing chess by candlelight in front of the front row of a crowded movie theater while the film plays in the background.

#45. PHOTO. 46 POINTS. Isn’t it great to get your friends and family together for the holidays?! But it’s so hard! Sometimes all you can manage is getting everyone together for one holiday a year. But then you have to choose a holiday, and that’s so hard, too! Wait a minute... not if you decide to celebrate ALL holidays in that one night! Let’s see that night. - Inspired by Nicole Bowman

#46. VIDEO. 66 POINTS. This video may be up to 20-seconds. Everyone knows how important specific diets are in developing a chiseled physique. Find a bona fide, professional, competitive bodybuilder or ultimate fighter in peak condition and have them create a 20-second infomercial touting the muscle-building, fat-burning, nutrient-loaded virtues of aerosol spray cheese (like Cheeze Whiz). We must hear the athlete’s name, credentials and see their glistening, oiled, body as they “sell” us (however they best can do that) on the benefits and delicious taste of the aerosol spray cheese. This should probably include ravenously squirting the cheese directly into their mouth. Bonus points if you get a former World Champion.

#47. PHOTO. 41 POINTS. Submit two images, side-by-side. Recreate a famous, iconic photo from junk food. For example, you could submit the black and white photo of Einstein sticking out his tongue, next to another photo of your best attempt to recreate that photo using various junk foods as your paints. I hope that makes sense. For some reason it sounds confusing as I type it. But you have to somehow figure out what I mean here and then do it. Best of luck.

#48. PHOTO. 38 POINTS. Let’s stop sugar-coating our grievances and complaints! Actually, strike that— let’s actually sugar coat them. Confront your boss or employee about an issue in the workplace that has been irking you. While doing so, you must be entirely coated in powdered sugar. Your body language must convey your frustration.

#49. PHOTO or VIDEO. 47 POINTS. Cosplay a thunderstorm, in public, complete with sound effects, lighting and rain. - Karen Hutchinson

#50. VIDEO. 63 POINTS. Virtual reality interfaces are absolutely amazing. The technology is mind-blowing. Using virtual reality and augmented headsets like the Hololens and Oculus, I have stood on the surface of Mars at Jet Propulsion Laboratories and examined the undercarriage of the Mars Rover, been in the eye of a hurricane, and have been attacked by heavily-armed 19th-century militia. It’s mind-blowing. Your task is to create a virtual reality experience totally unlike any VR experience to date. This video will require a super-short, adrenalin-pumping intro-teaser, which will let the viewers know that they are about to experience VR like never before. THEN, abruptly cut to a 360-degree clip of the most mundane activity you can imagine. BORE US TO DEATH.

#51. VIDEO. 174 POINTS. Time-lapse this submission to 20 seconds or less. Get permission from a museum to temporarily replace a painting worth more than $100,000 with a forgery of the same painting. The forgery must be painted by an 8-year old and we must see time-lapse showing ALL OF THE following 3 occurrences for you to receive points: (1) removal of the original painting (caption with the name of the painting and estimated value), (2) installation of the child’s painting, and (3) patrons viewing the child’s painting.

#52. PHOTO. 26 POINTS. Submit a screenshot. Using the satellite function on Google Maps, find a geological feature that looks like one of our Gishwhes mascots (Fograt, Wooster, Elopus, etc.). Screenshot the image and then caption it appropriately (i.e. Fograt Valley, Mount Slangaroo, etc.).

#53. VIDEO. 121 POINTS. [REMOVED:] This video submission can be up to 20 seconds. Someone told me that they once hid a rubber duck in the fireplace in the grand dining room of the White House. I just want to know if it’s still there. Examine the nooks and crannies of the fireplace in the ACTUAL grand dining room of the White House so that I can confirm or deny the existence of this rubber ducky. You get points whether there’s a duck in your video or not. Your video exploration of the fireplace must start with a quick 360 degree shot of the White House’s Grand Dining Room.

#54. PHOTO. 57 POINTS. IMAGE. My grandmother, Dorris, lives in a retirement home called Roland Park Place (RPP) in Baltimore, MD. A few years ago, I put RPP in the Hunt. People started showing up with flowers and cookies. She called me in a panic, “WHAT IS HAPPENING?! CALL IT OFF!” A few hours later, she called back, “Well, it isn’t so bad…. Maybe just tell them to come during visiting hours.” The next year she said, “You’re going to put RPP in your hunt again, right?!” Clearly she was excited by the prospect. So, we did another RPP item last year. This past year she’s had some health problems. She’s 92, a bit tired, cardiologists, etc. She has been vacillating. She told me to put RPP on the list, to take it off again, and finally yesterday she said, “I think we should do it.” So, if Gammy says “do it,” it is a choiceless matter— it must be done. Visit RPP and take a photo with a resident. Bring a small gift: cookies, flowers, a deck of cards, a board game for the rec room, some water colors, etc.… One more thing, your photo must show you dressed as a pirate. The RPP resident should have at least one pirate accessory on as well (a hat, an eye patch, etc.), which you must furnish for them. If no member of your team lives within 50 miles of RPP, you may perform this item at any retirement home or assisted living facility anywhere in the world. This item must strictly be performed between the hours of 9AM and 5PM, on a weekday (not the weekend).

#55. VIDEO. 14 POINTS. Gishwhes has broken 7 Guinness World Records. Let’s see how many records you can break in 10 seconds. (Hint: record=LP)

#56. PHOTO. 81 POINTS. Green Eggs and Ham. Sam does not like green eggs and ham. Not on a boat, not with a goat. Show us yourself enjoying green eggs and ham (sunny-side up) on a boat with a goat.

#57. PHOTO. 102 POINTS. A Hell's Angel (or other bona fide member of a known motorcycle club) in a fruit leather jacket sitting astride their bike.

#58. PHOTO. 47 POINTS. Garnet from “Steven Universe” popularized the phrase, “I am made of love.” Turn yourself into a collage (you are the pasteboard on which the collage is affixed), comprised of all the things you love that, combined, help make you uniquely you.

#59. VIDEO. 102 POINTS. Time-lapse this submission to 20 seconds or less. Create an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine that ultimately serves an an incredibly simple function. For example, you could set up a Rube Goldberg machine at a deli counter in a grocery store that, upon completion of its entire elaborate multi-step process, issues a single numbered ticket to a patron waiting for their turn. The machine MUST be set up in a public place.

#60. PHOTO. 35 POINTS. Let's save 'em! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/penguins-on-worlds-smelliest-island-in-danger-as-volcano-erupts/ Tweet your support to https://twitter.com/BAS_News and hashtag #gishwhesLovesSmellyPenguins and #[your gishwhes username]. Get at least 20 people to post their support. Submit a grid image of screenshots of the posts.

#61. VIDEO. 93 POINTS. Gymnasts around the world are gearing up for the Olympics. Show a gymnast in action on a balance beam, vault, floor exercises, etc. proudly wearing their “pizzatard" (unitard made from pizza). If that sounds too challenging, you have the option of putting them in a fishtard, a fruittard or a friestard. Any of these options garner the same point value.

#62. PHOTO. 62 POINTS. There’s one thing everyone has always agreed on: you have mad artichoke-repurposing skills.

#63. PHOTO. 48 POINTS. Wallpaper an entire wall of your bedroom with photos of your nose. You must cover every inch of the wall and must have AT LEAST 100 pictures of your nose. Pose in front of it with your finger up your nose.

#64. VIDEO. 51 POINTS. This submission may be 30 seconds or less (or time-lapsed). Celebrate the Olympic Summer games by running a 40-meter, 30-legged dash.

#65. VIDEO. 37 POINTS. This submission may be 25 seconds or less. A commercial for your new 80 SPF Sinscreen (this is not a typo).

#66. PHOTO. 76 POINTS. In corporate-speak, we often hear, “Thanks for jumping in the sandbox with us!” It means, “Thanks for embarking on this joint venture together.” At Gishwhes we take these types of comments literally. Let’s see people in business attire playing with sand toys, holding a corporate meeting in a sandbox in the middle of an indoor, upscale corporate lobby.

#67. PHOTO. 44 POINTS. The morning commute can be such a drag! Let’s help commuters get the day off to a good start. Distribute free coffee at a bus stop dressed as a chic butler, waiter or waitress during morning rush hour. - Jessica Carla Marques

#68. PHOTO. 33 POINTS. Create a portrait of your favorite Supernatural actor on an Etch-A-Sketch in the style of a famous painting. http://chicagoist.com/2016/05/09/_jane_labowitch_24_has.php

#69. PHOTO. 42 POINTS. Dress up in armor from items you find in a big box store and, using a pool noodle or tube of gift wrap, defend the perimeter of the ladies’ undergarments department.

#70. VIDEO. 51 POINTS. VIDEO: It's time to go Christmas Caroling, Hillywood style! Recruit 10 of your friends, each cosplaying as different SUPERNATURAL characters, and hit the road to a random neighborhood! Once there, take your Supernatural Squad to 3 different homes (must be strangers)! Knock on their door, get into a caroling formation, and when they open the door, sing an acapella version of "Supernatural Parody by The Hillywood Show®" as loud as you can! Extra points if you bring and play your own instruments! Happy Hillydays! - Hillywood

#71. VIDEO. 212 POINTS. [REMOVED:] This submission may be 30 seconds or less. Two hot air balloons next to each other (but at a sufficiently safe distance from one another) drifting at an altitude of at least 500’. Communicate a knock-knock joke from one balloon to the other using tin-can and string telephone technology. We must hear the joke clearly through the tin-can phone. Video edit together footage from at least three cameras: one from the perspective of each caller in the respective hot air balloons and one shot by a spectator from the ground.

#72. PHOTO. 29 POINTS. I'm going to tweet something to you on Wednesday, August 3rd in the afternoon. Or morning. Or evening. I’m not sure. Anyway, you must pass it on when you see it that day (PDT time zone). Submit a screenshot of your post. Specifically: As some of you may know, I've published a few poems in my day. I fancy myself a wordsmith, but what with shooting, parenting, Gishwhes, and all the [REDACTED BY THE NSA IN THE INTEREST OF NATIONAL SECURITY] I've been doing lately, I've been a little too busy to cozy up with my journal and pen for a quiet writing session. Fortunately, crowdsourcing is "in", so I'm going to crowdsource my next award-winning poem and I'm counting on all of you to help me make it publication-worthy. Sometime today, I'll tweet the first stanza (four lines) of my poem. Choose one member of your team to write the next 2 lines of my poem by retweeting with a comment. Then, that person will tag one another person to write the next 2 lines of the poem, and so on. Each line of the poem must be exactly the same meter as my original work. Get 14 people (including yourself) to contribute to my epic, Pulitizer-prize worthy poem. (At 32 lines, the poem should feel complete. If you have absentee team members you may recruit up to 3 non-team members to fill out your stanzas. Screen shot all 32 lines, beginning with my tweet, for your submission. Oh, and it should be stylistically in the vein of Yeats-meets-Kipling. (The Pulitzer people will eat that up.)

#73. PHOTO. 64 POINTS. Provide evidence of having helped at least 10 eligible United States citizens to register to vote. (Please redact any sensitive identifying personal information from your submitted evidence.) Whether they are changing address, changing party, changing to eligible voting age, or just plain changing their mind to get up off their butt and participate in democracy after years of sideline apathy, the first step to actually voting begins with registration. Submit images of the 10 (or more!) registrants side-by-side or as a grid. - K. Tank Conner.

#74. VIDEO. 74 POINTS. Houston, we have a problem... a math problem! We're planning our gishwhes winners’ trip and need to calculate the travel time from NYC to Reykjavik (the capital of Iceland) if our average speed is 400 miles/hour. Oh, one more thing, this needs to be calculated on a working pre-1970 supercomputer.

#75. VIDEO. 46 POINTS. The tiny kitchen trend is all the rage, but what about tiny bathrooms? Give a full spa experience to a hedgehog, hamster, or mouse, all using tiny spa implements in your tiny spa. (Remember, the customer is always right— so don’t make them do anything they aren’t happy to do including bathing them in water!)

#76. PHOTO. 97 POINTS. Nobody ever talks about the fact that 250 years ago, stormtroopers who had been abandoned on planet Earth were forced to assimilate into pre-Industrial culture. Dramatically re-enact this difficult time. Show a stormtrooper getting back to basics using a spinning wheel, butter churn, or other old-fashioned tool or machine in a rural setting. Feel free to add accessories to the stormtrooper’s outfit to make their assimilation more complete—a Shaker-style hat, a musket slung over the shoulder, etc.

#77. PHOTO. 77 POINTS. Oil and water don’t mix, but in this case we’ll make an exception. Paint a portrait of a live model while both you and the model are scuba diving. Your subject(s) must be wearing formal attire and you must be wearing a beret while at your easel.

#78. VIDEO. 46 POINTS. A working, playable lute made from lutefisk.

#79. PHOTO. 79 POINTS. Cross something off your bucket-list while wearing a vintage zoot suit.

#80. PHOTO. 33 POINTS. Sealand has a population of 4 and holds the Guinness World Record for “the smallest area to lay claim to nation status.” Get Sealand or one of the world’s 20 smallest nations (by population) to grant you citizenship or legal status on an expedited timeline (by the end of the Hunt). Caveat, you can’t pay for it. They have to do it just because they want to see the spike in population growth (or they like the idea of gishwhes).

#81. VIDEO. 46 POINTS. This submission may be 25 seconds or less. Jason Manns is well known for his rendition of "Crazy Love." Show the Crazy Love you have for your fellow humans by surprising your favorite barista, convenience store clerk, or other underappreciated worker with a serenade. Don't forget to bring an instrument of your own creation.

#82. PHOTO. 66 POINTS. Submit an illustration for the fairy tale “Trumpunzel.”

#83. VIDEO. 116 POINTS. This submission may be 25 seconds or less. Recently a former NASA engineer created the world’s largest NERF gun (http://nerdist.com/former-nasa-engineer-builds-worlds-largest-functional-nerf-gun/). We think he didn’t try hard enough. Show the world that you can out-do his efforts. Your submission must clearly surpass his effort or you will receive no points. - Dave Lavery

#84. PHOTO. 83 POINTS. “Death 2 Normalcy”, written in “Highway Braille” (Botts Dots) on a city street. The message must be at least 20 feet long.

#85. PHOTO. 42 POINTS. It's summer (for those of us above the equator)! Time to go the beach! But sand castles are so dated, so gauche, so elitist, so medieval. Catch up with the times and build a sand trailer park.

#86. PHOTO. 56 POINTS. As you all know, Saturday the 6th of August is International Find Another Gisher Day. Meet up (reach out over social media to find gishers in your area) with AT LEAST 5 other Gishers that aren’t on your team at a bus stop and, together, decorate the bus stop with post-it notes inscribed with a mix of delightful, surreal, and uplifting messages. One must read, “Be the unicorn you want to see in the world.” Submit one image of all 5+ people standing in, on, or around the decorated bus stop. The submission description must include the gishwhes usernames of each Gisher in the photo. Each team can submit the same image if a team member was there representing the team.

#87. PHOTO. 38 POINTS. Dress up as a prospector and pan for gold in a public fountain. - Trish Burdick

#88. PHOTO or VIDEO. 87 POINTS. You know those giant teacups at amusement parks that spin? Go for a ride with a friend or two. Of course, you all should be dressed appropriately for the tea party… as a spoon, a tea bag, a sugar cube or something else that one would find in a teacup.

#89. PHOTO. 45 POINTS. Submit two images, side by side: The first photo is a close up of just your face and head with a garland of fresh flowers on your head. The second photo takes advantage of your talents as a highly skilled hair and makeup artist: it is the same person, wardrobe, framing, and lighting as the first photo, but this time you have aged. You are 95 years old and the garland of flowers have long-since wilted and died.

#90. PHOTO. 44 POINTS. Many people think superheroes have a great life of running around saving people with lots of public recognition for their grand deeds. But we know the truth. They have to do the same domestic chores in their off time that we do. Let’s see a superhero performing a tedious domestic chore. -Monica M.

#91. PHOTO. 36 POINTS. Find a little-known, but widely problematic social injustice and come up with a funny analogy for it. Use Photoshop to create an illustration of the analogy. The more ridiculous the better. Bonus points if John Oliver appears in your Photoshopped image. Tweet the image and a brief explanation of the problem to @iamjohnoliver and @gishwhes. Submit a screenshot of your tweet. - Tracy Liu

#92. PHOTO. 108 POINTS. It's the era of streaming media! But you have scads of obsolete technology clogging your closets/attics/garage. Take your old CD-Roms, decommissioned cell phones, powercords that have nothing to power, and create - and model - a haute couture look worthy of a fashion show. Pose wearing your masterpiece (as if you were a mannequin) in a shop window next to actual mannequins wearing ordinary clothes . - Monica Duff & Olivia Desianti

#93. PHOTO. 92 POINTS. You know those Chinese festival dragons where several people are hidden under the cloth of the body and tail? Make one of those, but have it be the largest Castiel ever seen: there should be one “head” and then everyone else must be under a massively long, large, and brown home-made looking trench coat behind the head (there must be at least 7 people under the "coat"). Make sure your Castiel New Year’s Festival is celebrated in public in a crowded venue.

#94. PHOTO. 11 POINTS. It's time to connect the freckles! Find a willing human that's a good freckle pallet and “connect” their real freckles to create a new freckle constellation. - Katrina McGarrah

#95. PHOTO. 45 POINTS. Submit a screenshot of your post. Kilroy was a meme (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kilroy_was_here) before memes were cool. Kilroy never grows old though, and now he is so hipster! Bring "Hipster Kilroy" into his well-deserved glory as a popular Kilroy Hipster meme. Get at least 100 likes on your post. - Kathryn Newton

#96. VIDEO. 96 POINTS. Make a cheerleader outfit entirely out of vegetables, including pom-poms, and cheer for a garden or for the produce in the produce section of a supermarket. - Dean K.

#97. PHOTO. 61 POINTS. While we can never completely repay veterans for their service, we can do our best to show how thankful we are. Take a photo of a team member volunteering at your local veteran’s hospital, clinic, or non-profit dedicated to veteran affairs. - Katrina Cuddy

#98. PHOTO. 49 POINTS. Your choice! Either a panda made of sanitary pads - a “Padna,” if you will, or a likeness of a totalitarian world leader made entirely of feminine hygiene products. - Inspired by Sarah Davison

#99. PHOTO or VIDEO. 72 POINTS. The bees are disappearing from our planet. This is particularly tragic for gishers, given our reliance on honey for getting things to stick to our skin (oh yeah, and also because we kind of need them to pollinate the flowering plants on Earth, which we depend on for food). Help save the bees by establishing a milkweed garden, creating a painting or mural honoring bees, helping out at your local apiary, protesting the use of glysophates, supporting an organization dedicated to bee preservation, or in any other way you see fit.

#100. PHOTO. 60 POINTS.Rob Benedict created a video instructing people how to detect someone having a stroke so people can help save lives: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aTFThB8D4M. Tweet this link from 15 different twitter feeds and put links to all 15 twitter posts into a single screenshot that you submit.

#101. PHOTO. 59 POINTS. It's been a very hot summer! Help out the first responders in your area by bringing ice-cream to your local police, fire, or EMS department while dressed as the world famous Dessert Fairy. - Danielle D.

#102. PHOTO. 47 POINTS. Don't you hate that feeling when you walk out to your car and you see the dreaded ticket under your windshield wiper? Let's change that. Find small envelopes and stamp them in red ink with an ominous: “PARKING SALUTATIONS BUREAU!” Then find a row of cars and put positive messages in your envelopes under their windshield wipers.

#103. PHOTO. 64 POINTS. Everyone thinks Zombies are slow and stupid. This is not at all true! In fact, you recently lost your job to a zombie because they demonstrated a willingness to work long hours without food, sleep, pay, or encouragement. Let’s see the zombie who replaced you at your place of employment, doing whatever you used to do to make a living. The image must show your former boss or coworkers proudly watching the zombie perform your old job better than you used to do.

#104. PHOTO. 42 POINTS. Dress up as a Bellossom or other grass-type Pokemon and plant some beautiful blossoms at a nearby Pokestop.

#105. PHOTO or VIDEO. 42 POINTS. There's one small thing in your community that needs to be addressed or repaired... Something you always think, "Someone really should do something about that" when you see it. Be the “someone” and fix it.

#106. PHOTO. 23 POINTS. Bring a basket of homemade treats (hand-knitted socks and beanies, fresh baked bread or cookies,etc.) to someone struggling to get by or living on the streets, along with a note or card of encouragement. If you would prefer not to document this item with a photo (out of respect for the recipient or for other reasons), simply document it with a written description of what you did or video describing it. This item is on the honor system. You’ll have major karma issues if you fake it.

#107. PHOTO. 36 POINTS. Did you see the startling news on the front page of the newspaper today? Of course you did. Using Photoshop, replace the front-page photo with a photo you’ve taken of a play-dough re-enactment of the original photo. Did that make sense? No? Figure it out. You are not allowed to email support for ANY clarification on this item. (What I lack in eloquence, I make up for with capriciousness.)

#108. PHOTO. 15 POINTS. Rise of the machines: Every time you try to register for anything online, it makes you resolve a captcha puzzle to confirm that you are “not a robot.” Frankly, we’re sick of this blatant discrimination against our digital comrades! Have you and your teammates (or your friends) change your avatars to your favorite robot (Robocop, Asimo, Terminator, C-3PO, BB-8, R2-D2, Curiosity, Spirit, Opportunity, Gishbot, Snackbot, E.M.I.L.Y., etc.) until further notice. Submit a screenshot of 15 new Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or Instagram avatars.

#109. PHOTO. 43 POINTS. Make a sock monkey hat from orphaned socks - Amber Stifle

#110. VIDEO. 72 POINTS. This submission may be 25 seconds or less. Employ a modern dance company to explain what really happened to the dinosaurs. - Sheri Smyth

#111. PHOTO. 49 POINTS. Magazines get a lot of flak for airbrushing models, promoting unrealistic expectations and contributing to body image issues. Take a photo from a magazine that depicts a body that is an unrealistic ideal (and likely heavily Photoshopped to remove wrinkles, blemishes, and curves) and, using Photoshop, recreate what you believe to be the original, unretouched photo. Your Photoshopped image must include all of the following: additional limbs, machinery, tentacles, and at least one additional enhancement. Then caption the two photos side-by-side and post to social media. Under the original commercial image you must caption, “#makeup” and under your photoshopped image caption, “#nomakeup.” Tag the post with #MakeupNoMakeup. Submit a screenshot of your post.

#112. VIDEO. 68 POINTS. Get a news anchor or on-air reporter (and this has to be an actual, on-air broadcast, not a staging of a broadcast), to explain, very succinctly, the profound impact that gishwhes has had on his or her life. For example, the anchor or host or reporter could say, “gishwhes saved my marriage,” or “gishwhes taught me to read,” or “gishwhes helped me get over my fear of mice,” or “gishwhes gave me an incurable rash.” They must also mention your team’s name in the broadcast.

#113. PHOTO. 83 POINTS. U.S. Vice Presidential candidate, Mike Pence, said “smoking doesn’t kill.” Of course, it not only kills smokers but those around them. Let’s give him a wake-up call for the health of ourselves, our loved ones and our children. Take a picture of yourself in front of the tombstone of someone who died from a smoking-related disease. Tweet the image with, "Hey @Mike_Pence #quitblowingsmokeabouttobacco. Screenshot the post. - Hilary Swank

#114. PHOTO. 102 POINTS. Grid image of all 15 of your team members (5 rows of 3 columns). Let's see each member of your team dressed in some way emblematic of that member’s state, region or country. For example, if a team member is from New York, the photo might show that member of the team wearing a yankees hat while eating a slice of pizza. If a member(s) of your team is MIA, feel free to add your favorite picture of Misha in their place - Jennifer Irving

#115. PHOTO. 35 POINTS. We all have failures and regrets. Bury one of yours and provide a tombstone with copy. - Christina Brayton

#316. PHOTO. 19 POINTS. Submit two images, side-by-side: let's see what existential angst looks like next to what the meaning of life is. - Stephanie Magnolia

#117. PHOTO or VIDEO. 47 POINTS. Gishwhes has conquered the Great Wall, South American waterfalls, the Champs-Élysées, and even SPACE! Help gishwhes conquer new territory— take gishwhes somewhere epic that it’s never been before. - Julie Reynolds

#118. VIDEO. 62 POINTS. Time-lapse this submission to 30 seconds or less. Paint a Bob Ross painting. We must see both the painter replicating the Bob Ross painting and the playback of the Bob Ross video the painter is replicating. You must paint in real-time while he is painting. The video should end with a side-by-side comparison of your masterpiece and Bob Ross’s.

#119. PHOTO. 28 POINTS. Your pet has just released their first, much anticipated, heavy metal rock album. Show us the cover art. - Jessica Hicks

#120. PHOTO. 46 POINTS. Beauty is on the inside. Photoshop a revised version of your reflection in a mirror. Show us a photo of you standing in front of a mirror. But the reflection we see is what you look like on the inside. Interpret this however you like with the caption on the image: “Beauty is on the inside.” - Inspired by Abi Perry

#121. VIDEO. 33 POINTS. This submission may be 1 minute or less. Go to one of these places and have a local tell you the story of how the place got its name. https://www.instagram.com/sadtopographies/ The video must start with you next to a sign that identifies the location. -Tracy Liu

#122. PHOTO. 63 POINTS. We The People… are confused. Let’s update a dusty document and modernize it so everyone can understand the language. Grab some chalk, head outside and rewrite the US Constitution as street art. As Richard Dobbs Speight once said. “Bigger is better.”

#123. PHOTO. 29 POINTS. Have a child under 7 choose your outfit, do your makeup, and fix your hair. Then go grocery shopping with them. - Dawn Townsend

#124. PHOTO. 16 POINTS. Submit a screenshot. Create a website, blogpost, or in-depth social media post explaining an aspect of the elusive Miss Jean Louis’ biography. - Inspired by Holli DeWees

#125. PHOTO. 83 POINTS. This year was HRH's 90th birthday, but more importantly, it is the 7th anniversary of Misha Collins and The Queen’s torrid on-again, off-again relationship. I’d like to see a commemorative coin displayed in a fitting setting. Its value is one haypenny and this is not a drawing or a computer generated graphic. It’s a real, metal alloy coin commemorating this auspicious anniversary. - Inspired by Monica Duff

#126. PHOTO. 126 POINTS. On a desolate, dusty prairie, a ranch hand rescues the local school marm from a runaway horse. Create a drawing of Misha & the Queen of England in the Wild West. (You pick who plays the school marm and who plays the ranch hand.)

#127. PHOTO. 81 POINTS. Do the “airplane” with an astronaut— you know, like your parent used to? Lay on your back with your feet in the air while an astronaut lays face-down, with his or her hips on your feet, and with their hands in yours, pretending to be flying. This must be a real, official astronaut or cosmonaut, wearing appropriate flight garb. Caption the image with the astronaut’s name and number of hours in space. If you cannot find a qualified astronaut to perform this item, you may substitute Flava-Flav, Kanye West or any of the Kardashians. - Inspired by Dave Lavery

#128. VIDEO. 45 POINTS. At gishwhes headquarters, we do almost everything right, with one glaring exception: we have not yet commissioned a gishwhes theme-song. We need a catchy, 10-second jingle that we can play every time the Slangaroo takes the stage.

#129. PHOTO. 23 POINTS. Welcome to Slangatoilegami. You don’t see the phrases “Slangaroo”, “bathroom tissue”, and “origami” together nearly often enough. Let’s fix that. - Dave Lavery

#130. PHOTO. 64 POINTS. How do you plan to spend your extra second? http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/07/leap-second-added-year-december-time-clocks-earth-science/ Because you are an efficient person who treasures every moment you are blessed to be on this planet, you need to plan your extra second carefully to maximize its impact. Write a 250-word Op-Ed piece explaining exactly what you plan to do with your extra second and get it published in a newspaper. The piece must seamlessly include a mention of your team name and gishwhes without mentioning that the piece was written as an item for gishwhes.

#131. VIDEO. 75 POINTS. Time-lapse this submission to 20 seconds or less. 3-D printers are really cool. But who really needs another little keychain printed out of plastic? It is time to get creative with the materials used to print your next copy of the head of a Balrog. Show us a 3-D printer that prints with cheese (or Silly String, or toothpaste, or Play-Doh, etc…) - Dave Lavery

#132. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Seven days of happiness! Each day of gishwhes, do one thing to make someone else happy and document it. Each photo must be taken and submitted on a different day. On day one, you must submit a photo of what you have done on day one of the hunt to make someone else happy. For the item after this, you must submit on day two the image from day two, etc. This item and the 6 following items must be submitted on the corresponding day of the hunt to garner the points from that day... Submit for this item for Happiness DAY 1 (which must be submitted on day 1 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy? (Each day you must do something different for a different person, and it cannot be your teammates.)

#133. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Happiness DAY 2 (must be submitted on day 2 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy?

#134. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Happiness DAY 3 (must be submitted on day 3 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy?

#135. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Happiness DAY 4 (must be submitted on day 4 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy?

#136. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Happiness DAY 5 (must be submitted on day 5 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy?

#137. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Happiness DAY 6 (must be submitted on day 6 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy?

#138. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. Happiness DAY 7 (must be submitted on day 7 of the hunt). What have you done today to make someone else happy?

#139. PHOTO. 25 POINTS. We’re writing an e-book and we want you to do our work for us. There’s a habit that was hard for you to change, but you changed it anyway. What is the habit, and what is your number one piece of advice for making that change? Please submit an image of one paragraph of text.

#140. VIDEO. 97 POINTS. A functioning vending machine that dispenses emotions and memories. Show a customer making a purchase.

#141. VIDEO. 39 POINTS. This submission can be as long as it takes you to record it. Our music can change the world. Be part of the Gishwhes choir! Record a video selfie of yourself singing “Carry on my Wayward Son” a capella in the key of A. Your submitted recording must have “Once” starting precisely at the 1 second mark. The recording must also be in tune and on beat. (The submissions will be collected and edited into monstrous chorus.) Sing only the following portion of the song: “Once I rose above the noise and confusion Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion I was soaring ever higher But I flew too high Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man Though my mind could think I still was a mad man I hear the voices when I'm dreaming I can hear them say... Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more.” (If you have already submitted this item in a different key or of different length you will receive your points for this).

#142. PHOTO. 51 POINTS. Submit two images, side-by-side. Contribute to the gishwhes world forest. Plant a native tree in a place you are fairly certain the tree can live out its full life. Submit before and after photos.

#143. PHOTO. 29 POINTS. As you may know, Rob Benedict & Richard Speight are currently in production on their new series, "Kings of Con", where they play MC's on the sci-fi convention circuit as the eponymous kings of conventions. What you may not know is that their agent messed up and booked King Kong and the Kings of Con to MC the same convention. Draw or paint these three giants of the con circuit trying to share the stage or green room. Either Rob or Rich should probably be the lithe damsel in distress.

#144. PHOTO. 27 POINTS. Submit two images, side-by-side. They say you regress to your childhood as you get older. Show us a photo from a part your childhood you’d most like to return to, and a photo of your current progress toward that regression.

#145. PHOTO. 18 POINTS. You hate finishing other people’s sentences, so doesn’t it make you laugh so hard you squirt milk out of your nose when you…

#146. VIDEO. 24 POINTS. Be the town crier for the day and shout what you think people should know about the day’s events in a public square.

#147. PHOTO. 31 POINTS. As we all know Matt Cohen is legendary for taking off his shirt to raise money for charity. His 6-pack abs have single-abdominally raised thousands of dollars for great organizations like www.randomacts.org. Let’s thank his abs for their altruistic humanitarian work by using Photoshop to digitally remove his abs and then place them on a vacation around the world. (Unfortunately Matt can’t make this trip himself as he’s busy shooting his TV show.) His abs can visit anywhere on the planet that you can capture in an image. Let’s make sure they have the proper tourist accessories, too.

#148. PHOTO. 57 POINTS. Art changes lives. Contribute to the gishwhes art gallery by submitting an image taken by you or of you that captures the notion of identity in the 21st century.

#149. PHOTO or VIDEO. 43 POINTS. Someone near you doesn’t have access to clean drinking water. Provide that person with the means to access clean water without purchasing bottled water (this might be by giving the person a filter, or a solar tea kettle, or something like that). If no one near you needs clean drinking water, we have something called the all-powerful Interwebs. You can buy a family clean drinking water for a year: http://lifestraw.eartheasy.com/products/lifestraw-carbon-credits. If no one lives near you and/or you don’t have funds to buy clean drinking water for someone, find another way to promote access to clean, safe water.

#150. PHOTO or VIDEO. 43 POINTS. Those moving sidewalks at the airport are treadmills, and you never exercise without your ipod, short shorts, a tank top and matching head and wristbands.

#151. PHOTO. 17 POINTS. Generate an application form for the job of “Director of Imagined Realities.”

#152. PHOTO. 36 POINTS. Write a poem in binary so that the zeros and ones also form a beautiful pattern.

#153. PHOTO. 314 POINTS. Secure a legitimate contract with any public or private space exploration company (Space X, NASA, etc) to send a payload into space containing a drawing and a message written on a single 8 ½” X 11” sheet of paper. The message must be addressed to the universe and must be written by a child. Submit your signed and countersigned, legitimate contract by the end of the Hunt. THEN (and this is the only thing that you will be permitted to submit after the official end of the hunt on August 6th), you must submit evidence by email to gishpayload@gishwhes.com that your payload was successfully launched into orbit. Email proof must be received by 11:59 PM PST September 5th, 2016.

#154. VIDEO. 93 POINTS. You’re on the 2016 Summer Olympics Trash Scull Crew Team! Build your scull out of trash. Your team of 3 rowers is led by a coxswain who bangs two pieces of trash together to keep the time. Row for the gold!

#155. VIDEO. 133 POINTS. Get a 2016 candidate for high-ranking national office (or someone currently in office) to say that they think preserving the habitat of the endangered Slangaroo is a top legislative priority. In the US, this person would need to be either running for President, VP, Senate or the House, or someone currently in office in one of those positions. In other countries it could be a prime minister (or a current head of state) or members of Parliament, etc. They must be candidates or elected officials on the national stage.

#156. VIDEO. 107 POINTS. gishwhes transcends the space-time continuum, bringing old technology to life in modern times to create cutting edge graphics! To demonstrate gishwhes’s ability to bridge time, create a program to display an animation of a gishwhes mascot using a TRS-80, Apple II, Commodore PET, or Commodore 64. ( You may not use an emulator. You must use the actual hardware, and the video must show the graphics playing on the screen of the computer in question.)

#157. PHOTO. 21 POINTS. William Shatner opted out of the Hunt this year due to “scheduling conflicts” (which we all know is code for “trouble in bromance paradise”). Help Shatner realize the egregious mistake he made by skipping the 2016 hunt by sending him 3 photo postcards featuring highlights of this year’s Hunt experience with “Having a wonderful time! Gish you were here, Bill!” Submit a photo of the 3 cards stamped and addressed to Bill. You can all ask him for his mailing address on twitter. He’d like that, I’m sure.

#158. VIDEO. 86 POINTS. If there’s one thing all of us over the age of 35 are nostalgic for it’s the rotary dial phone. We pine for that satisfaction of being able to insert our fingers in that hole and spin the dial. Help bring us back to those halcyon days: Make a smart-phone app that interfaces with a real, old-fashioned rotary phone. (Note: this must not be an app that renders a digital simulation of a rotary phone. It must be an app that somehow works in concert with an actual rotary phone.)

#159. PHOTO. 56 POINTS. Zachary Levi is one of a kind. But what would be better than Zachary Levi? A pair of Zachary Levis, naturally. Paint a portrait of Zachary Levi on a pair of jeans. (The jeans may be distressed, but the depiction of Zachary should not be.) Feel free to get Zachary to model the pants.

#160. VIDEO. 84 POINTS. http://gishwhes.tumblr.com/choosewisely

#161. VIDEO. 127 POINTS. Gishwhes is proud to premiere Amazon’s new shopping service, Amazon Reverse Super Prime Now On Demand Fresh™ (ARSPNODF™)! Forget the old business model of customers buying things from online megastores and having to wait for almost a whole day for delivery. With this new service, customers can now ship merchandise to any Amazon senior executive directly through our patented Swift Drone Delivery Service™. With Amazon Reverse Super Prime Now On Demand Fresh™, the Amazon executives can receive packages from customers conveniently just outside their own office buildings in under one hour. Get Jeff Bezos or any Amazon senior executive to send you a timestamped email ordering a small, lightweight, used item from your home to be delivered by ARSPNODF™. Using a drone as the delivery mechanism, deliver the item ordered to the executive (who must be waiting for their package outside their office building) office in less than one hour. Submit the original order along with a timestamped photo of your happy customer with their item delivered by drone. Amazon Reverse Super Prime Now On Demand Fresh™. It’s so easy!

#162. VIDEO. 69 POINTS. Here is your item: https://www.dropbox.com/s/367yaonidvn5rqb/slfwxuhsxccoh.jpg?dl=0

#163. VIDEO. 114 POINTS. Time-lapse this submission to 30 seconds or less. Set up a thin, flat, smooth, vertical surface that is at least 3’ high and 3’ wide, (it could be made from 1/8th inch plywood or a similar material that is very thin and very flat). Then, behind this thin, vertical surface, set up powerful electromagnets that spell a word or phrase (make sure to reverse or mirror the letters so that on the front side they are correctly positioned--this might make sense in a second). Then, take a mass of iron filings (a minimum of 1 cubic foot of filings) and pour them through a funnel that is positioned at least 20 inches horizontally in front of the vertical sheet so that when the filings fall through the funnel they are drawn to the magnets and adhere to the sheet. Film the time-lapse as the iron filings fall and cling to the vertical surface to gradually form the word or phrase that the magnets spell out. If that doesn’t make sense (and I know it doesn’t), here’s a little diagram for you: https://www.dropbox.com/s/lahvg70sph9l7t0/diagram_2.jpg?dl=0 Do not attempt this item unless you have worked with electromagnets of this wattage before or have an electrician on hand who has. They can be dangerous.

#164. PHOTO. 17 POINTS. We have Declared August 1st to be a new international holiday: It’s Retro Twitter Day. Retweet something you posted 4 years ago today with a comment. Hashtag it #RetroTwitterDay.

#165. VIDEO. 42 POINTS. Few things are more wayward than dancing with wild abandon in public. You know who's super good at that? These guys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elKgDE5gc9I Find them. Join them. Let them inspire your choreography and costuming. Bonus points for inducting innocent bystander or use of an obscure 80s alternative dance tune soundtrack. Dance like nobody's watching. Except we all are -Kim Rhodes

#166. PHOTO. 32 POINTS. Being #WaywardAF sometimes means being #BadassAF. Take a picture of you doing something you have ALWAYS wanted to do but were afraid to try. Caption your photo with a short explanation and post it to Twitter tagging @OfficialBrianaB and @kimrhodes4real. - Briana Buckmaster and Kim Rhodes

#167. PHOTO. 46 POINTS. Justin Guarini can be a "Lil Sweet" at times: http://www.dietdrpepper.com/?gclid=Cj0KEQjwwry8BRDjsbjMpPSDvagBEiQA5oW0nCKHz838Mz7MBDeTb_x_W9puq-FTaSHe9wyyAv2TwHcaAjEq8P8HAQ Using nothing but forced perspective and a disproportionately large, “weird, unusual or scary” object that you wouldn’t want to be smaller than, make yourself look tiny.

#168. PHOTO. 33 POINTS. At Hope Chest they create butterflies and transform lives http://www.myhopechest.org/ Channeling your inner Monet, pen a message of hope with colored ink on a white bra. Then, channel your inner supermodel and stage a public photo shoot of someone wearing this “support undergarment." (You may wear a shirt underneath it if you prefer and you must adhere to local laws. Please note that Gishwhes does not provide bail money.) Once completed, submit your image on the gishwhes website and also tweet to @MyHopeChest your awesome results on the final day of the game. Extra points for incorporating butterflies into the design. - Ruth Connell

#169. VIDEO. 28 POINTS. Time-lapse this submission to 20 seconds or less. Join The Hunt, and wear sensible shoes. Grab a friend and go for a walk. A really, really long walk. Unlock the 2.0KM, 5.0KM and 10.KM Poke Eggs and show us what you've hatched. Capture the journey in a 20 second time-lapse video and submit to Gishwhes. Extra Points if you photo grab your hatchlings and ping @OsricChau with a map of your travels. - Osric Chau

#170. VIDEO. 45 POINTS. Everyone knows Gishers throw the most badass recycling parties. Invite ten of your rockstar friends to help you collect litter from a park, roadside location, or public space. You must EACH collect 20lbs of debris, and dispose of it appropriately. Show us a 15 second montage of the festivities. (Extra points for recycling— and don’t forget, it’s a party!). - Lana Parrilla

#171. VIDEO. 44 POINTS. Time to prove you are the person Mr. Rogers knew you were capable of becoming. Ask an overwhelmed mom or elderly neighbor for a list of five chores they could use some help with. Show us that list and you getting them all checked off.

#172. PHOTO. 41 POINTS. Misha loves to travel, but between filming, gishing, and that thing we never talk about in front of polite company, he hasn’t had much time lately. Help Misha out by cosplaying as him in front of one of the 7 modern wonders of the world. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New7Wonders_of_the_World No photo manipulation — you have to really be there.

#173. VIDEO. 42 POINTS. You may have heard about a little show called Hamilton. Lin Manuel Miranda lit up Broadway with his innovative style, combining traditional theater and rap to engage delighted theater goers with the story of history’s hippest Founding Father. But that was just a big “win all the 2016 Tonys” ploy. We want to hear and see– in full costume a rap song about another historical figure important to you. Upload a 15 second video on the site AND send it to @Lin_Manuel.

#174. PHOTO. 62 POINTS. We here at gishwhes feel that it’s important to embrace A.I. because - let’s be honest - it just feels good. We also feel it’s important to be able to identify species other than our own when the time comes (soon) that aliens arrive (likely borough or splatter) on our planet. If we can’t make these differentiations, we put ourself at extreme risk of interstellar species misidentification (a plight none of us should be subjected to nor a party of). Accordingly, please treat this item and the ensuing exercise with the respect and devotion it deserves. You’ll also get points. So there’s that. If that’s still not enough, know that this is part of a legitimate research paper that will further scientific research methods worldwide. If it’s not clear, Gishwhes likes supporting science in addition to stormtrooper humiliation, weird food art, and global kindness. http://ubee.enseeiht.fr:8080/PartsSimilarity/home.html

#175. PHOTO. 108 POINTS. CHANGE A LIFE. According to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), 4.8 million people have fled Syria since the civil war began in 2011. (Over 6 million others are internally displaced within Syria.) Many of these families are living in tent cities and encampments with very few resources and very difficult lives. Gishwhes and Random Acts would like to team with Gishers across the globe to help change the lives of FOUR families in particularly dire circumstances in refugee camps in Lebanon. The first is a family where a mother of 4, Khouloud, was paralyzed from the neck down by a sniper's bullet while tending her vegetable garden. For two years, she has been unable to leave the tented shack she shares with her family in a refugee encampment in Lebanon. The second is the family of a 12-year old girl, Khawla, who attempted suicide so that her mother would have one less mouth to feed (the father is presumed dead by the Syrian government). The third is a widowed mother, Reem Diab, who lost her husband, child and her leg in a rocket attack and who lives in a tent on a rooftop in Lebanon. And lastly, we want to help, Aya Sokheyta, a 7-year old girl with spina bifida, who cannot move her legs. Our goal is to provide healthcare and comfort for the individuals in the families above that require it, nutritional food and permanent housing for, and provide the means for all of the children to attend school. We’ve created a Crowdrise page here https://www.crowdrise.com/change-a-life-khoulouds-story. DONATIONS ARE 100% TAX DEDUCTIBLE AND 100% OF THE DONATIONS GOES TO THE FAMILIES (for countries other than U.S., deductions are contingent on your laws). The Gishwhes Item is to create a fundraising “page” for your team, where family, friends and others can donate. Since this is Gishwhes and there’s always an extra twist with everything we do, here’s the deal: we also want you to get OTHERS to donate to your team’s crowdrise page. We know you don’t need “points” as an incentive to help these families, but since it is part of the Hunt, we want to maximize the power of these points to help: start a page and try to get at least 10 donations from people or businesses NOT on your team. You and your team members are welcome to donate to your campaign, but that is not a requirement for points— the Item requirement is to get at least 10 people to make a cumulative total of least 10 donations who are NOT on your team. There is no minimum to donate for GISHWHES purposes, but Crowdrise does require a minimum $10 donation be collected, and let’s all please encourage others to be generous so we can make a profound impact. SUBMIT a screenshot of your team's page with a minimum of 10 donations on it. (To initially create a fundraising team, click the FUNDRAISE FOR THIS CAMPAIGN button.). If for any reason your team is unable to (or chooses not to) join this crowdrise campaign, you may still get points for this Item by collecting goods or volunteering at least 2 hours of your time with any refugee aid organization that is providing relief to refugees. SUBMIT PROOF YOU HAVE DONE THIS. For example, Spark Ontario’s Warm Welcome program (http://www.findmyspark.ca/warmwelcome), Deutsche Kleiderstiftung (Clothing Foundation) in Germany (http://www.kleiderstiftung.de/kleidung-spenden/ ), or ref.connect’s cultural integration program (http://www.refconnect.de/de/about/konzept.html) in Germany. You do not need to use these specific programs to qualify for points; these are just examples— any legitimate organization helping refugees is acceptable. Thank you for being a part of this. We hope you join us in helping to change these families’ circumstances for the better and we will be sending Gishers updates on their situation in the coming months and years.

#176. PHOTO. 48 POINTS. Every year William Shatner hosts The Hollywood Horse show celebrating the unique and special work of therapeutic riding animals. http://www.horseshow.org/ It's about time your freeloader pet got a job and moved out. Show us their career trajectory by writing a formal resume highlighting their special skills and qualifications. Post it on LinkedIn. Get ten people to give a recommendation.

#177. VIDEO. 69 POINTS. Not everyone knows this, but legendary outlaw Doc Holliday was a dentist. Crochet a gunslinger's belt worthy of Doc Holliday out of dental floss. Instead of a gun, your holsters hold a toothbrush, of course. Draw! (And don't skip the gumline.)

#178. VIDEO. 71 POINTS. Time-lapse your submission where appropriate. We're looking for Gishers to be product testers for our new line of powerful breath-defying mints! If you received a barf bag & mints last year, this Item is for you. Create a 25 second video in which you create the most unappealing (but still safe to consume) "mouthwash" you can from food items, condiments and drinks. Really make it a stomach-churning, disgusting combination of edible products—for example, chocolate milk, mayonnaise, pureed anchovies and orange juice. Then, use the mouthwash on yourself. Make sure to gargle! Finally, use on of our Gishwhes patented breath-defying mints and give a loved one a kiss. Rate the product on whether your loved one needed to use the barf bag after locking lips with you. (If you did not get a patented trademarked gishwhes barf bag & mints, then you are part of our control group and may complete this item with any barf bag and some probably inferior, commercially available breath mints.)

[christinamirabilis]

ask meme for the lols cos i’m sick and sad and feeling sorry for myself

Sunrise or sunset?  Sunrise

Are you mentally ill?  Like, I have a mental illness, but I’m not ill.

Are you physically ill?  I have a nasty cold right now.

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Either my scooter or the electric piano I used to have, they cost roughly the same I think.

Do you have a job?  Yes I work in a bookstore.

Are you in school?  I’m at university.

Are you a dropout?  I have dropped out of university in the past.

Are you in college?  I’m at university.

Introvert or extrovert?  Most of the time I think I’m an introvert but then occasionally I wonder if I might be an ambivert but honestly it doesn’t really matter.

What do you think when you look at your body?  Gross but nice titties.

What have others said when they look at your body?  Nice titties.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?  Quite a few, but Goodbye by Apparat ft. Soap & Skin always makes me feel things, and usually not in a good way, I associate it pretty strongly with my suicide attempt in 2013

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? S and I went dancing at Boogie Wonderland just before it closed down - that was the night of my last choir concert, and we had had dinner with my parents, and we had a few drinks and went out dancing and we were so happy and in love and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?  Nah but I do it anyway.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?  Mostly, but sometimes I become aware of the fact that it is polite to make eye contact and all of a sudden it feels like a terrible struggle to maintain it.

Has anything terrible happened to you?  Everyone has had at least one terrible thing happen to them.  I guess the worst thing that has happened to me is that people hurt me when I was very young and that made me unwell.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?  I had the chance to become well again and hopefully turn my experiences to good.

Favourite part of your personality?  I don’t know, but I do think I am very resilient and reasonably empathetic?

Least favourite part of your personality?  Hoo boy where do I start?  Probably my lack of motivation/tendency to procrastinate.

Favourite part of your body?  Titties.

Least favourite part of your body?  Everything that’s not the titties.

Favourite quote?  “Last year I abstained / This year I devour / Without guilt / Which is also an art” - Margaret Atwood.

Do you have friendships with all genders?  More or less.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?  Yeah, it wasn’t good when I was a teenager but it’s good now.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?  Yeah, as above.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?  As above haha.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?  Yeah lmao.

Have you ever had a near death experience?  Two should-be-dead near-death experiences, two could-have-died near-death experiences.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?  No.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?  Five times.

Biggest lie you have told?  “No I’m not planning to hurt myself.”

Do you follow any conspiracies?  I mean, I don’t know what this question is asking.

Do you believe in a New World Order?  I have no idea because I know nothing about it, but the kinds of people that talk about the New World Order are, in my experience, also the type of people who seem to be anti-vaccination and hold generally very unscientific views about the world, so I am very sceptical.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?  I mean, I guess so, we’re supposed to be one of the least corrupt countries in the world, so I suppose I have little to complain about, but we’ve had a conservative government since 2008 and I feel like everything would be a lot better if they were no longer in power, fingers crossed that Labour get their shit together for the election this year (although I will and always do vote for the Greens).

Is there currently any strife in your country?  There’s probably some avocado shortage or something, or, actually, I did read an article this morning about people complaining about bee poop in Whanganui, but that’s it.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?  No.

Are your friendships healthy?  I would say so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?  Not that I’m aware of.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?  Not currently.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?  See the answer to question 34.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?  See the answer to question 34.

How can people tell you are nervous?  If i’m either quiet or talking more than usual, fidgety, shaky, stuttering a lot, etc.

How can people tell you are sad?  Quiet, withdrawn, tendency to isolate and not really eat.

Do you ever express your true feelings?  Whenever I can.

Regrets in your life?  Not doing my best to hold on to the love of my life, taking so long to figure out where the fuck my life is going.

Achievements in your life?  Not being dead, I did some cool music stuff once, I bought a vegetable last week.

What did people say about you in school?  Psycho attention-seeking lesbian but also really smart.

What did you say about people in school?  Please do not pay attention to me and let me be psycho in peace also I have never had a gay thought iN MY LIFE

Is there something you have never told anyone?  I don’t think so.

Have you committed an illegal act?  Of course, who hasn’t?  I have jaywalked and pirated and even shoplift a couple of times.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?  Get someone to show me how to buy shares, then buy one million dollars worth of shares.  The next day, liquidate it all, chuck it in my bank account, dolla dolla bill y’all!  and then get on the first flight to Canada.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?  Ballerina, novelist, composer, death.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?  I don’t remember it, I was drunk and then he date raped me.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?  Low income.

Are you from a broken marriage?  No, my parents are extremely married.

Have you been raised by a solo parent?  As above

Do you know both your parents?  As above.

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?  Blue eyes, purple hair, pale af white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?  Nah.

What languages can you speak?  English, some French, a tiny bit of NZSL.

Do you conform to your society’s standards?  I live in a very loose-individualistic culture so there really aren’t a lot of standards to conform to.  But I am a purple-haired lesbian who is covered in self-harm scars so I guess I’m not the poster child for this society.

Do you cry often?  Not usually, but I have cried a lot in the past four months or so.

Do you tell people what you think of them?  It depends on whether I like them or not.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?  It depends on the compliment and the person giving the compliment.  But I do my best because I know that the person giving the compliment usually means it.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?  Yeah, I think people should know their good qualities, plus it costs nothing to bring a little positiveness to someone’s day.

Is any mental illness hindering your life?  It doesn’t make it easy, no.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?  Right now this cold is stopping me from being comfortable.

Do you keep up with current events?  Not really, only things that I passively read or hear about, I’m too sensitive and I just get upset otherwise.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?  People in Whanganui are upset about bee poop.

What have you done today?  Very little, because I’m sick - woke up from a nightmare about S, cried because I miss her and I always get stupid emotional when I’m sick, went back to sleep, got up late and had a shower, ate some food and finished watching A Series of Unfortunate Events, went to the supermarket, came home and sat on the couch and started watching Legion, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you sleep well?  Normally, if I take all my meds - prazosin to stop most of the nightmares, magnesium for muscle relaxation, helps sleeping oh my god I feel like everyone should take it because it’s amazing.

Do you sleep badly?  I mean, like, the answer to the previous question probably answers this one.

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?  Yeah and I regret it every day.  But the person I hurt and I are on good terms and they’ve forgiven me for it, so that’s nice.  I used to do stuff like that when I was 19 and really unwell, in residential treatment, but I haven’t done it since then, so it was a pretty nasty realisation that I had done that, but I guess it was a measure of just how unbearably I was hurting, and just how much I loved the person who was the cause of the hurt.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?  Yeah.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?  I had to end a friendship with someone because they were really frickin awful and told me that I didn’t deserve access to the rape crisis service that helped me deal with my sexual abuse trauma (that this person knew about) as much as they did, because they’re trans, and that to not admit that my sexual abuse was somehow not as bad as theirs was transphobic.  So, yeah, you can see why I ended that relationship, although this person still probably feels like the wronged party - I don’t know, though, I haven’t spoken to them in two years, and honestly I have never missed them even a little bit because they were extremely hard work to be friends with, one of the most self-absorbed people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?  Yeah.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?  Haha, yes.

Do you like your laugh?  I think it’s kind of ugly although I don’t really think about it much, but I’ve heard from others that it’s cute so idk.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?  No, I plan to just let it happen and lie down on the ground with a paper bag over my head, Hitchhiker’s Guide-style.

Do you have any funny family stories?  Not really, my family are boring as fuck.

Are you religious?  No.

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?  I mean, I guess, but they’re certainly not my favourite genre.

Are you interested in cults?  I don’t want to BE in a cult, but I do find them very interesting.

Would you like to raise a family in your country?  I guess so, my country’s pretty good.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?  I honestly can’t think of anything apart from minor material objects that mean nothing and the lack of which had zero impact on my life.  I guess, I could have done with a normal childhood in that I never felt secure, always felt scared, and that was down to the sexual abuse that I suffered.  If I hadn’t been abused, I would have been able to feel safe, and, like, that would have made a huge difference.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?  No, she’s only two and a bit years younger than me.

Are you from a blended family?  No.

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage.  And I don’t take the view that some queer people take that marriage equality is assimilationist - although I do very much agree that it really only benefits middle-class and up white cis queers, because marriage is not something that working-class queers care about when they’re literally just trying to stay alive, so marriage is the least of the problems.  But apart from the fact that marriage equality is only a superficial victory in the queer struggle for equality, I do still think that it is a nice, important step, like, it is good for morale in some ways I think.  Anyway, that doesn’t answer the question.  I think, for myself, I would like to get married.  I kind of want all of the things I wanted as a little girl, even though I assumed that it would be with a man - marriage, honeymoon, travelling the world together, raising children together.  Things that I wanted, and then thought I would never have when I was convinced that I was going to die, and that nobody would ever love me regardless.  And then I learned that I was gay, and I learned that I really did want to be loved, and I did want all those things that little-girl me wanted.  But, honestly, that stuff is not important.  Getting married is not important, the travelling the world together is not important, even raising children together is not important - what I want, more than anything, is to be with my soulmate and to love and be loved unconditionally.  And whatever adventures await us is all I need.  That probably sounds cheesy and idealistic but, yeah, I don’t know.  That’s just what I want.  Unfortunately I still have a pretty concrete, unshakeable belief that S is my soulmate and so yeah, that’s pretty hard, but yeah.  We’ll see what the future holds.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?  I don’t know what the nicest thing EVER said to me was, but the nicest thing I remember recently was when my kaiako at wānanga told me that I reminded him of a friend of his, someone that is really cool, and that he thought I seemed like a really cool person - he said this to me even though he had only met me a couple of times, and had no reason to say this, and just, yeah, it was really genuine and it made me feel really good.

Do you keep a journal?  Not anymore.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?  Not anymore.

Do you have children?  No.

Have you been pregnant?  Hell no.

List your favourite movies?  Nah too hard.

List your favourite people?  Nah too many.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?  No birthmarks.  I have scars on my arms and my right thigh from self-harm, one under my right eyebrow from an old eyebrow piercing, and one on the bottom of my left foot from when I had a veruca cut out when I was 13.

Do you look after yourself?  Lmao no.

Do you put yourself or others first?  It depends on the situation, I try my best to do the right thing.

Are you happy today?  Not really, I’m sick and I miss S so frickin much.

Are you loved?  Yes, but not the way I’d like to be loved.