#which is why this community is so fricken beautiful

[beachyserasims]

Yesterday I woke up with 74 notes which is more than I've ever seen in one log in!!!! I have to thank @sirianasims for taking the time to go ALL THE WAY BACK to my Geneva Island series (which is nuts cause i went sooo hard on that series lol!) and showed love from my Geneva Island origins all the way up to todays legacy.

I feel so blessed to have found this amazing community this year, and I feel especially happy that so many wonderful storytellers, like yourself, have accepted me!! Luff y'all so fricken much you don't even know

[safertokiss]

Lost in Translation

A/N: Heyyyyy guys...remember when I used to post like every two weeks? Yeesh that’s awkward...but I’m backkkkk woooooooo party time! I was so excited that my discord buddies organized another fic swap because it was so much fun the first time. This time around I was chosen to write a doozy for the wonderful @writing-in-april and I have decided to bless you all with a beautiful subby boy. Sub Spencer lives in my head rent free, no cap. So sit back, relax and pretend it's you getting fricken railed. Peace out girl scouts;)

Pairing: SPENCER x READER

Category: SMUT hehe oh yeah and fluff

Word Count: 4.8k

ENJOY:)

~~~

MASTERLIST

~~~

For as long as she could remember, Y/n had always wanted to learn Russian.

So, naturally, when she found out that their newest case involved two lovers who also happened to be Russian criminals trying to escape the United States government, she simply couldn’t help but jump at the opportunity to become more involved in the investigation. 

It’s not that she’d never been on a stakeout for the Bureau before, in fact she’d probably been on so many at this point that she’d lost count. The only difference that this specific stakeout brought to her life was the fact that it was her first one to have ever been shared with Spencer Reid.

Her and the young doctor had lived in the same apartment building since her first day at the BAU, but their relationship pretty much began and ended at that. Of course they greeted each other whenever they passed in the halls of their building and ricocheted off of each other’s theories whenever necessary during their meetings in the round table room, but it would be a lie to label their relationship as anything other than casual acquaintances as well as amicable coworkers. 

She had never been able to fully get a grasp on the elusive Dr. Reid. The fact that he was already such an integral member of the F.B.I. at the ripe age of 25 astounded and, well to be honest, perplexed her. Not that she doubted his abilities or intelligence in any way, quite the opposite really. She admired how utterly brilliant he proved to be day in and day out, even with the shy exterior he presented himself with to the world. Well, shy was definitely more of an understatement. 

She had never met someone more socially awkward in her entire life, but with that being said, she couldn’t help but find it endearing and pretty dang adorable. Y/n constantly found herself enjoying his pathetic attempts at human interaction on a daily basis. From the nervous stutters to the out of this world hand gestures, there was much for her to dissect about the young doctor. And while she could openly admit that he was quite easy on the eyes, in a boyish-innocent kind of way, she had never really been able to see him in that sort of light.

If she thought his normal social interaction skills were entertaining to witness, his reactions to any of the conversations that took a more raunchy turn were to die for. The speed at which his features would ripen red like a tomato whenever anything of a sexual nature was brought up during cases was truly amazing, impressive even. However, unlike the rest of their team, she knew he wasn’t completely innocent. The walls in their apartment were as good as paper when it came to thickness, so it wasn’t that big surprise that the sounds created within them carried fairly well. 

Or at least that was what she had discovered after the first night she heard him touching himself just through her bedroom wall. 

Yes, it was less than ideal that their bedroom walls just happened to be adjacent to each other, but what could she do about it? It wasn’t as though she never sought out her own pleasure while alone in her apartment...although she would bet money that she was much better at withholding her noises. Instead, she learned to adapt to the sounds from next door and continue on with her life, having accepted that guys will in fact be dudes, no matter how innocent and meek they may appear.

When her boss had explained the nature of the assignment to them, there wasn’t anything of significance that had jumped out at her. It was all pretty standard instruction. They would wait, parked, in a government issued SUV overnight at a location close to the whereabouts of the criminals and simply translate their conversations using the mics that were planted prior. While Hotch knew that Y/n herself couldn’t understand Russian, it was common knowledge that the resident genius easily could transcribe the language.

And that was how she found herself cramped next to Spencer Reid in the stagnant vehicle, pen and paper in hand, patiently waiting for the translations to begin. 

It was almost completely silent inside the car, apart from the quiet whirring of the heat coming through the vents, and she could basically feel the nerves coming off of the man next to her in waves. That’s why she was completely thrown off her game when his timid voice was the first to break through the silence that had encompassed the space they inhabited together.

“So um Y/n..h-how have you been recently?”

She did her best to hide the small smirk that started to form on her face from the stuttering mess that spilled out of his mouth. She definitely didn’t want to make him feel even worse about himself so she decided to humour his adorable attempt at conversation with her...well...sort of.

“Oh ya know Reid, just counting the days until I get some action. How about you?” If she  thought he was sputtering nervously before, that was nothing compared to this treasure.

“Oh um well uh I-I mean...I don-I don’t...uh...w-what was the question a-again?”

This time she couldn’t stop the airy chuckle that escaped her lips as she leaned over and patted him gently on his thigh.

“Relax Reid, I’m just fucking around with you. Well for the most part...I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to some action, but that’s a whole can of worms I am not about to open during a stakeout”, Y/n laughed, not at all missing the steadily spreading blush that coated his sharp features.

“Yeah...no..yeah right of course...I t-totally knew you were just um fu-messing with me! Uh we should probably um r-review our assignment...you know just so we’re all s-set before we start.” How adorable.

“Aye-aye captain Reid. Ok so..”, she muttered while fiddling with the listening device to secure the right frequency. “...we just have to wait until they get back so we’re in range of their conversations. That’s when you’ll have your time to shine and prove yourself as the resident genius once again. And I’m sure that you’re aware that I don’t know a lick of the Russian language so I will be the best damn transcriber for you that the world has ever seen”, she finished with a smirk. 

Even Reid chuckled a bit at her words, the ever-present blush slowly creeping back upon his face and neck. 

“I’ll uh-I’ll hold you to that then.” Y/n had to admit she particularly liked to see the boy smiling, especially when it was the result of her own words. His innocence seemed to call out to her like a siren and she didn’t know how to feel about it.

“Oh-oh there they are! Ok get the pen and paper ready because as soon as they’re in range I’ll start translating.”

Getting themselves situated, they waited the few seconds it took for the couple to get close enough to the vicinity of the SUV for their conversations to begin to be broadcasted through their system.

“Как вы думаете, они идут по нашему следу?”

“Do you think they’re on our trail?”, Spencer easily understands, leaning slightly closer to her so his words were clearly heard.

“Ни за что. У этих глупых американцев нет шансов поймать нас.”

“No way. Those stupid Americans don’t stand a chance at catching us.”

At this point, the couple had already disappeared behind the door at the entrance of their current base, leaving only their words to give the closely listening agents much needed context clues.

“Я когда-нибудь говорил тебе, как сильно мне нравится твоя уверенность?”

“Have I ever told you how much I love your confidence?” 

Even Spencer let himself smile at the chuckle that left Y/n’s lips. “Awww how cute...they’re flirting with each other over mass murder. I strive for that kind of intimacy.”

“Да у тебя есть. Но почему бы тебе не показать мне, насколько тебе это нравится.”

“Yes, you have. But why don’t you show me just how much you love it.”

Uh oh, Y/n thought to herself. Not a second after the untimely thought permeated her brain, the sounds of wet lips sloppily colliding against each other filled the otherwise silent vehicle. After the few seconds of shock wore off, their heads whipped to face each other, eyes wide and mouths wide open. “Huh...well this was certainly an unexpected turn.”

“I uh um-uh well w-what do we do now?”, Tomato Boy nervously sputtered out over the chorus of moans and groans that were currently bouncing off the SUV’s walls. As unexpected as the present situation was, she was absolutely eating up his reaction to the crude sounds.

“Well, Hotch did say he wanted us to take down every single word that was shared between them so...I guess we’re just gonna have to keep moving forward with the translations. You can do that, can’t you Reid?”, she explained, not even attempting to hide the growing smirk on her face.

“Yeah! Yes! Mhmm I can do that, I c-can definitely do t-that.”, he gushed, trying to subtly clear his throat to clear the steadily growing tension in his body.

“Good to hear, Doc.”, she cheekily replied just as the raunchy sounds echoing through the system transitioned to different methods of communication, more legible ones.

“Ты была для меня такой хорошей девочкой. Я думаю, ты заслуживаешь награды.”

Quickly clearing his throat once more, he jumped back into action, with what Y/n noticed was considerably less confidence than before. “You’ve b-been such a good g-girl for me. I think you deserve a r-reward.” Spencer’s voice had noticeably dropped to a whisper by the end of the sentence, forcing Y/n to lean closer to be able to hear his translations, only magnifying the already present tension in the air. 

“Пожалуйста, папа, я сделаю что угодно.”

“P-please daddy.” His voice broke at the end igniting something deep inside Y/n’s being. “I’ll do anything.” In that moment she truly believed he would do anything, his own words or not, based on the obvious strain in his pants that her eyes glanced over, and also by the way his skin completely succumbed to goosebumps as her warm breath caressed the shell of his ear. She didn’t really know what the hell was happening, why her body was absolutely loving the way he gradually leaned into her’s, submitting all of his vulnerabilities into her hands. 

“Тебе это нравится, не так ли, маленькая шлюшка. Как член папы глубоко внутри тебя?”

She watched the way he inhaled a deep breath and released a high-pitched sigh before continuing on, subtly pressing her legs together to control the excitement thrumming through her body at his pathetic tone and mannerisms. 

“You like t-that don’t you, you little-uh-you little s-slut?” From their close proximity, she could clearly make out the speedy heartbeat clambering against his chest as he spoke. And if that was the case, he must’ve been able to feel hers as well. “Like daddy’s c-cock deep inside of y-you?” She could’ve sworn she saw his dick twitch slightly in his pants.

“Маленькая шлюшка уже придет за мной? Тогда умоляйте об этом. Бля, умоляю позволить тебе кончить.”

Y/n certainly did not miss the airy sigh that escaped his lips, watching as a bead of sweat dripped down his temple, confidently guessing it was not from the heat that had been coming through the vents.

“Is the little-little s-slut gonna come for me already? B-beg for it then. Fucking beg f-for me to let you c-come.” Spencer was speedily falling apart at the seams and she was loving it. More than loving it. She was craving it. Craving the little noises that he was trying to stop from escaping his lips. Craving the way he slightly bounced his leg in an attempt to control his arousal, which was futile because it had obviously already reached its full potential in the confines of his khaki slacks. 

“Пожалуйста, папа. Пожалуйста, позволь мне прийти. Мне это надо. Пожалуйста.”

Without even hearing the words translated back to her, she could hear the utter desperation in the girl’s voice. She no longer needed to understand the Russian language to be able to finish the translation, and as she sat there with her thighs tightly pressed together, she knew exactly what it meant.

“Please!” The utter need that was present in the original audio was somehow mirrored perfectly by the young doctor’s breathy voice, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, a prominent vein popping through the skin of his smooth forehead. “Please, p-please, please let me come. I n-need it. Please!”

“Приди за мной, детка.”

Deciding that she could regret her actions in the morning, Y/n quickly grabbed his face before he could translate, angling his head so she could whisper directly into his ear at the same time he spoke the last line of the night.

“Come for me baby.”, they both spoke at the exact same time.

Pulling away as fast as possible, she watched his clamped eyes shoot open as the most obnoxiously loud moan she had ever heard escaped the poor kid, his whole body spasming as a result. And using the large stain on the crotch of his pants as a guide, she was pretty certain she knew what had happened.

For the next few minutes there was silence in the SUV, apart from Spencer’s heavy breathing as he came down of course, leading them to believe the couple had fallen asleep after their...activities. Of course she wanted nothing more than to tease the trembling mess next to her, but she could already tell he was mortified beyond belief because of what happened so she didn’t want to make it any worse for him than it already was. 

After waiting a few extra minutes just to make sure that they had actually gone to sleep, the pair drove away from the stakeout location, Spencer not having said a word since his...big finish. As much as she loved watching him fall apart in front of her, she really didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable around her. 

“Well that was certainly an unexpected turn of events for the night, huh?”, she said, lightly chuckling with the intent of lightening his mood. She was very glad to see it had the intended effect.

“Uh y-yeah...you could definitely say that again.”, he mumbled with the ghost of a smile on his plump lips, though she could still clearly make out the blush coating his features.

“So hey, I know that you usually take the metro, but I’d be more than happy to give you a ride home after we drop the SUV off at the office if you want.”, she warmly smiled in his direction without taking her eyes completely off the road.

“Oh um..yeah that would be perfect. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it Reid.”

~~~

The rest of the ride back to the office was pretty much spent in silence, but it was much more comfortable than it had been before, which was a huge relief. After dropping the keys to the SUV in the lock box inside, the two agents piled into Y/n’s car to go back home to their shared building. On their way back she considered just asking him if he wanted to ride with her everyday just to make his life a little easier in the long run.

Once they got to the parking lot and exited the vehicle, they began walking towards the entrance together, the awkward tension from before creeping back into the air around them. Soon enough, they found themselves standing in front of their respective doors, both unsure of how they were supposed to end the night’s interactions. After a few moments of painful silence and eye contact, Y/n was the first one to rip off the band-aid.

“So...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow Reid?” He seemed to be broken out of his trance by the sound of her voice, snapping back to attention.

“Huh? Oh yeah uh yes of course. S-see you tomorrow Y/n. Goodnight.” He scampered into his apartment before she could even get a chance to respond to his bidding.

“Goodnight.”, she whispered to no one other than herself as she unlocked her door and headed inside to shower quickly before diving into her soft sheets.

She was sitting up in her bed, book in hand, with only the small glow of her reading lamp illuminating her room when she heard it. Of course she knew immediately what they were, a talent that had developed and strengthened from living adjacent to a pretty much pubescent boy.

The tell-tale sound of moans and groans vibrating right through her wall.

She knew she probably shouldn’t be listening, something about a violation of privacy or whatever, but she just couldn’t help it. He sounded so desperate it was driving her insane. So much in fact that she was in the process of skimming her own hand downwards when she was interrupted by a certain something from the Doc’s room.

“Y/n! Oh god, please. Please.”

Oh. Oh.

Not even giving herself a second to consider her actions, she was up on her feet basically sprinting to his door, pajamas and all. Not even bothering with knocking, she noticed it was unlocked and let herself in, beelining for what she assumed was his bedroom by the increasing volume as she approached it. Standing in his doorframe, she was utterly mesmerized. There he was, sprawled across his sheets, completely bare with sweat coating his hair as he rapidly pumped his angry, red cock, her name tumbling from his lips like a chant.

“You’re so beautiful like this.” She smirked as she watched his head shoot up to where she was standing, his hand immediately stilling it’s rapid movements. Watching the panic spread on his face was intoxicating to her as she slowly approached his bed.

“Y/n! Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I uh-I didn’t um...” His words trailed off and his eyes widened as he watched her slowly begin removing her clothes as she moved closer to him. 

“Shhhhhh.” She managed to remove both her shirt and pajama pants in the short trip over to his bed and she had no intention of stopping there. Now standing directly in front of him, she let her eyes wander over his still frame completely, soaking in the amazement in his dark eyes and the slight tremble that was periodically rippling through his body. Maintaining eye contact with him the whole time, she reached behind her back and unclasped her bra, letting it pool on the floor next to her.

It was honestly shocking his eyes didn’t actually fall onto the floor with how far they bulged out of their sockets, a small moan leaving his mouth. 

She giggled at his enthusiasm before bringing her soft hands up to caress his face gently, his body shuddering at the contact. “Do you want me to keep going baby boy?” Taking a second to process the question that had left her lips, he slowly nodded while looking her in the eyes, his own full of awe. 

Happy with his answer, she reached for the edge of her panties before pushing them down to join the other pieces of clothing already inhabiting his floor. Spencer couldn’t speak. He could barely even breathe. Five minutes ago he had been jerking off to his neighbor, who also happened to be his coworker, and now said neighbor was crawling onto his bed, completely naked, with a wicked smirk on her face.

Straddling his lap, but making sure that there was no actual contact, she reached up to cup his face again, slowly rubbing circles into his defined cheekbone. “Is this ok baby boy? Is this what you want?”, she cooed. 

Spencer looked like he honestly might cry from the pure compassion laced within her words, but still found a way to nervously nod his head in affirmation of her questions. With a warm smile on her face, she leaned forward and placed a feather-light kiss on his lower jaw before continuing up the side of his face, basking in the small whimpers that fell from his pretty lips. Finally reaching his ear, she let her warm breath tease him before proceeding. 

“Do you want me to take control of you? Is that what you want sweet boy?” While the whine that immediately escaped him was answer enough, she pulled back searching for a more concrete answer to her question. “Hmmmm, you’d like that?” 

“Yes.”, he whispered, nodding his head anxiously. 

While he was answering she had leaned back towards his face, placing soft kisses all over. “As you wish baby boy.”, she whispered, changing course to attack his neck with her eager lips as soon the words left her mouth. Spencer gasped instantly and she couldn’t help but smirk against his pale flesh, increasing the pressure in which she was assaulting his neck.

Through the groans that spilled past his lips, she was able to make out his pathetic attempt at words, not slowing down her lips at all. “J-just make sure not to leave any m-marks. We’ll g-get in trouble at w-work.” Of course Spencer would be the only person on the planet to remember their office guidelines while getting his neck sucked like a vampire.

“No marks...that’ll be difficult. I want everyone to know just how thoroughly I fucked you.”

Feeling extremely satisfied by his enthusiastic response to her vulgar words, she slowly lowered herself down his body, pausing with her mouth right above his groin. Somehow the poor kid already looked completely fucked out and she hadn’t even done anything yet. Hearing him wince as she gently grasped and started stroking his cock, she knew this was gonna be fun.

Staring directly into her eyes, he watched the string of spit leave her mouth and drip directly onto his dick, eyes bulging at her bold actions, still in shock that any of this was actually happening. 

Entranced by the way his chest expanded rapidly as he watched her curiously, she leaned forward and licked the tip, his head falling back onto the pillow behind him. “I’m gonna suck your cock...but only because I want to see if you can not be a spaz about getting head from me.” Her words made Spencer whimper and she smirked as she took him fully into her mouth, soaking in his pretty noises. 

Y/n had only been going for a minute or two when she heard his groans get louder and felt him twitch in her mouth. Pulling off of him with a pop, she hummed at the sight of the completely wrecked boy in front of her, panting and shaking adorably. It wasn’t long before the perfect idea infiltrated her head, her body thrumming with anticipation and excitement.

“You’ve been such a good boy for me. I think you deserve a reward.”, she smirked, reciting the words that they had heard verbatim. Seemingly catching on to what she was pushing for, he responded accordingly.

“Please Y/n. I’ll do anything.”

She quirked her eyebrow in his direction questioningly, slowly grinding her dripping core against his achingly hard cock. “Anything, baby boy?”

Snapping his heated stare directly to her eyes, he cracked a beautiful smile. “Anything.”

She couldn’t control the grin that overtook her lips as she lowered herself down onto his erection, writhing in pleasure at the feel of him inside of her and the sound of his wanton moans. “Good boy.” 

Wanting to give Spencer time to fully adjust and control himself, she started her movements out slow, lifting herself up until only his tip remained inside before dropping down completely into his lap repeatedly. He was a moaning mess on the sheets below her, sweat coating his body along with goosebumps covering every visible expanse of his skin as he panted like a dog. He was so fucking pretty like this. 

Deciding enough was enough, she picked up the pace considerably, bouncing like a mad woman on his dick, while her sharp nails scratched down his creamy, pale chest in front of her, leaving angry, red streaks in their wake. Spencer had devolved into a blubbering mess underneath her and that lit her soul on fire.

“You like that don’t you, you little slut? Like your cock deep inside of me? Huh?” 

Y/n was pretty sure that he was short circuiting below her, his brain cutting off all control over his body as he spasmed uncontrollably and moaned for the entire fucking building to hear. Good, she thought. Let them hear how whipped he was for her. Even though it had only been a few minutes since she increased her speed, she could feel his cock starting to twitch violently inside of her and she knew he was close, really close.

“Is the little slut gonna come for me already?” All he could do was whimper in response, having to nod his head emphatically due to his loss of speech.

“Beg for it then. Fucking beg for me to let you come!” She was on fucking cloud nine right now, floating through the motions, as his whimpers increased in volume and speed. Mustering up all the strength he could, he spit out as many audible words as possible.

“Please! Please, please, please let me come! I need it! Please!” He was crying now, tears rapidly pouring from his eyes and spilling down his cheeks out of sheer desperation and need to release the tension built up within his body.

She was in awe of him. As she watched the tears pour down his face, she couldn’t help but whimper too. Desperately needing to finish, herself, she brought one hand down to make circles around her clit, while the other she brought up to wrap gently around his flushed throat, leaning over to whisper in his ear like she had earlier that night.

“Come for me, baby.”

She once again pulled back to witness his reactions to her hushed words, the outcome only more amazing than before. She watched as his eyes rolled back as far they could possibly go into his head as his mouth dropped open in pure ecstasy, high-pitched whines escaping his lips, his release shooting up into her like it had always belonged there. Maybe it had.

Watching him come undone below her, combined with her hand speedily rubbing circles on her clit, she was catapulted into the most amazing climax of her entire life, her body buzzing with excitement as she tightened around him and collapsed on his chest, weak as could be after that activity.

The pair laid silently, apart from the heaving breaths whirring through the room, still in shock over what had just transpired minutes before. Slowly shifting her eyes to the shivering boy below her, she saw he was caught in a trance, his eyes dazed, a soft grin on his lips. 

Breaking him from his stupor, she gently cupped his cheek with one hand as the other drew lazy circles on his blotchy chest. Rubbing the skin on his face lightly, she leaned forward and kissed his nose, making him scrunch it up and giggle as a result. “Such a sweet boy for me. Such a sweet, sweet boy.” Her words made him melt inside and words tumbled out of his own mouth before he could even think about stopping them.

“Вы красивы внутри и снаружи.”

She looked up at him in shock, before breaking out in giggles. “Did you just serenade me in Russian? How romantic.”, she giggled, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

He couldn’t seem to control his giggles either, a fact that warmed her heart. “Yes, I suppose I did.”

Smiling up at the adorable boy she just had to ask. “What does it mean?”

Y/n watched as his signature blush quickly coated his features once again as he looked down at her with a shy smile. “You are beautiful, inside and out.”

With the warmest grin she could muster, she leaned up and kissed his jaw once more before snuggling up against the young doctor who had melted her heart.

Tag List: @hopebaker @pastathighs @psychedellic-phase @gloryekaterina @sleepysnapesnake @racharr @etherealgubler @furiouspartyrebelhoagie @andiebeaword @liaabsurd @cielo1984 @starkeybaby @victomizedbyreginageorge @rainsong01 @moonlight-jukebox @gretaamyk @httpnxtt @rachelxwayne @goldnratio @cheyxminds @kricketc29 @cupcake525 @pinkdiamond1016 @slutforthegubes @shadyladyperfection @emilysallysmith @babblingbrookex @legendaryanimeaestheticclou @sunstspidey @ashwarren32 @pixels-impulse @eviewildflower @spencerreider @awkwardsadaa @dirty-pan-goblin @spencerspecifics

[stars-are-just-ghosts]

A World Full of Bullies, and the Four Kids Who Never Stop Fighting Them

This is a story about my four children and the small town they live in, a story about bullies and the people who stand up to them. Let me start by introducing the four of them. We’ll refer to them as the Sibling Mafia (this will be important later.) Each of them is as unique as the different parts of a harmony. They grew up closer than close. Best friends, siblings, confidants. They have their moments of disagreement, sibling rivalry, chaos. But there doesn’t go a day without them seeking out one another’s opinions and comfort. Theirs is a bond that can’t be replicated, or completely understood. The 17 year old, we’ll call her ‘Red,’ is the only girl in the bunch. She’s an artistic bisexual disaster (her words, not mine,) she’s riddled with equal parts anxiety and hope, and she holds her own like you wouldn’t believe (she’s surrounded by guys in her work, and out does them at every turn.) She’s five-foot-zero inches of kickass and love. And there isn’t a single person who can hold her back when she wants something. She’s had a rough several years, found herself beaten down to her most fractured level. But she fought back with every ounce of strength available to her and clawed her way back to the surface. She’s thriving. She’s scared. She’s dreaming of her future. (Her brothers have so often looked up to her, I think Red often feels like she’s surrounded by puppy dogs who would willingly battle-rush the world if it ever failed her.)  The 18 year old boy, we’ll call him ‘Blue,’ has high functioning autism and social communications disorder. The world is full of lines he’s steadily trying to figure out how to cross without changing the flow he relies on. From working in the adult world, to trying to hold on to the childhood he isn’t quite ready to let go of, Blue still manages to find the space and time to be the big brother he’s always been. It’s the most important thing to him. More important than his love for just about anything else. That has always been his choice. There isn’t a single one of his siblings that he doesn’t love ferociously. And though his emotions are sometimes tumultuous, he always finds a way to make what he really feels known to those closest to him. 

The 14 year old, we’ll call him ‘Purple,’ is a trans (female to male), bisexual, magnetic ray of absolute fricken sunshine. It’s impossible not to want to know more about him, to laugh with him, to share in his infectious well of joy. There isn’t a mean bone in his body, not a single inch of hatred in his DNA. From the moment he was born, he had a smile on his face. The world was his to make happy. And even though these last few years have been one hell of a confusing ride for him, he’s never stopped looking at the world around him like it’s something he wants to change for the better. The  almost-11 year old, we’ll call him ‘Green,’ is a pint sized sarcastic ball of genius who doesn’t see just how important he is to the people around him. His comedy is endless, a shield to protect himself and others from the nastier things life tries to throw. He’s smarter than the average 11 year old, but refuses to jump ahead a grade or two because he ‘just wants to enjoy school.’ And though he likes to pretend that he can handle everything that comes his way, there are times when it’s easy to see how young he truly is. It’s those moments that his siblings are his anchor to an uncertain universe, the chains that keep his gravity from failing him. And they are the epitome of his best friends, his comfort, his home. Red, Blue, Purple and Green have a lot in common. From Red and Purple loving art and music, to Green and Blue loving video games, to all four loving DnD night. They love to adventure together, to share inside jokes, to create beautiful mayhem on a daily basis. They love to learn together, to forget to do their chores together, to ask the world to ‘listen, dammit’ -together.  They also have trauma in common. Losses of those they loved, pains they’ve all had to feel, things a parent can’t protect them from... And there is so goddamn much I wish I could have protected them from. When Blue was in middle school, there was a boy, we’ll call him ‘Misunderstood.’ To him, Blue’s autism made him a prime target in the bullying arena. Like some other kids, Misunderstood would say mean things, call Blue names, make him momentarily feel like he would never fit into the world he so desperately wanted to be a part of. But what Misunderstood didn’t know was that Blue had a better world around him already, one that would come to save him when it counted most.  One day in gym class, Blue was playing basketball with his friends. He tossed the basketball, and it didn’t quite go where Blue was expecting. It sailed at Misunderstood and hit him in the head. It didn’t matter to Misunderstood that it was an accident. All that mattered was this could be a perfect excuse for retaliation. He closed the distance on Blue and punched him in the head. He knocked him out. But in that same moment, Blue’s friends and sister ran to the rescue. They rallied around him, chased Misunderstood away. Protected their friend and brother, because they knew that was exactly what Blue would have done for them. Because Blue is the sort of person to give a stranger the shirt off his back if they really needed it. Something of which Misunderstood couldn’t see. Imagine my terror when I got a phone call from the police. It was a sobering sight to see police cars and an ambulance when I squealed into the school parking lot. There is no way to explain the feelings of helplessness and fury I was inundated with. You know, logically, that your children will break bones and get stitches and have broken hearts and nightmares and a myriad of other pains that are simply a part of life. And you also know, unfortunately, that bullies exist. You never think that anything like this can happen, until it does, however. That’s not naivete. It’s not denial. It’s the hope that the world might not just be as awful as you think it is. Knowing that world proved that hope wrong, even for a moment, makes you want to wrap your children up in your arms and never let go. But that’s not how life works. There isn’t an excuse for what Misunderstood did. But there are things to understand. I can raise my children to be good, caring, kind people. But I have no say in what happens in other children’s lives. Was Misunderstood being cared for? Did he have parents who gave a shit about him? Or was he neglected? Was he lacking the resources to explain and feel his emotions properly? Was his life hell, and he just needed someone to see? I asked myself those things, trying to understand. I even asked the other adults in charge of the situation. But because Misunderstood was a minor, I had no legal right to know. It turned out, in the end, that Misunderstood was expelled. His parents moved him to a different school district. And Blue was left with the question he always seemed to ask when another child chose him to target: ‘Why me, Mom?’

There is no why. Because, like I said, nothing excuses what happened. What I wanted him to focus on was what happened inside the event. And what happened was loyalty, love, friendship and the coming together of individuals to stand up to a bully. Now, at 18 years old and nearly six feet, Blue still has those friends. And he has the lesson they taught him, not the one that Misunderstood wanted to teach. And he doesn’t ask ‘Why me, Mom?’ anymore. He asks, ‘Why not me?’ as he now steps in when someone needs protection. Most recently, Purple, my 14 year old, has had to face bullying of his own. Purple didn’t come out till a year and a half ago, and the daily progress to being the person he wants to be has been beautiful and brilliant. But there is another boy, who we’ll call ‘Unwarranted,’ who has pulled out all the stops to make Purple feel panic, anxiety, terror.  Back when covid was nearly past its first upsweep and all the schools were still closed down, Purple was desperately missing his friends. It was agreed, after a fair deal of hashing out the precautions, that he could see one of his best friends at the park. Purple hadn’t come out yet at that point, still struggling with what it would mean for all the relationships in his life. But the idea of seeing someone who he literally grew up with after being so long apart was too good for him to pass up. They met at the local park, a couple of other friends catching up with them there, and they hung out.  It was supposed to be an innocent, happy time for a kid who only ever tried to make people happy. It ended in police involvement and kids being physically hurt. Unwarranted had shown up with two much older kids. But the part he played was entirely his choice as all three terrorized the younger kids, with words and with physical threats that ended with large rocks being thrown. One child was hit in the head. My child was hit in the side. Both of them ended up hurt. All while they were running to Purple’s friend’s house for safety.  Unfortunately, there was so little we could do. It didn’t happen on school grounds, so the schools couldn’t be involved. The police couldn’t tell me much more other than they knew who the three bullies were, having been in trouble with the police before. And I couldn’t know anything else because they were minors. To protect my child, I couldn’t let him go to the park alone anymore. I drove him everywhere. I tried to help him forget. And over time, he did. Until the beginning of this school year. Purple started his Freshman year looking for new beginnings. He’d already firmly cemented himself in coming out, was totally authentic in who he is and who he wants to be. His friends are still his friends, completely accepting and loving him. And he tackled his first week of school with intensity and excitement.  In the back of my mind, however, I had never forgotten what happened at the park. The mother in me held on to it, because I couldn’t take the risk that something worse could happen. I hadn’t been able to protect or avoid what happened to Blue. But maybe I could protect Purple. I got in contact with the new principal at the high school, explaining the situation and that I did not want Purple to be in any classes with Unwarranted. He vehemently agreed. Purple doesn’t have a single class with him. It’s worked out well. Or it did, until they passed each other in the hall. In that brief moment, when classes were changing and kids were hurrying through the halls, Unwarranted took it upon himself to pick right up where he left off. Except now, Unwarranted isn’t the same size as Purple. He’s over six feet, athletic, and knows how intimidated Purple already was by him. The result was Purple incoherent with fear. There’s a reason I have referred to all four kids together as the Sibling Mafia. Because if you hurt one of them, you hurt all of them. And there’s hell to pay. Red and Blue, who are both Seniors at the high school, heard about the incident almost immediately. (It’s a small town, so small school, and word travels fast.) They didn’t go to their next classes. They took Purple to the office instead, and demanded something be done. They wanted answers and a resolution, and they wanted it fast. I received a phone call about it all from the guidance counselor who was just gushing over the bond they all shared, and the way they’d rallied around Purple. But it wasn’t just Red and Blue who rallied. It was their friends.  You see, if you’re friends with one of them, you’re friends with all of them. And in a place like this, it grows exponentially. So many people love Purple, and Red, and Blue, and Green. And it shows. The principal and counselor and school resource officer worked on a plan to keep Purple and Unwarranted from ever crossing paths. It was good. It was a start. Unfortunately, it did nothing for when the kids were walking home from school. Because Unwarranted decided to make prodding and inappropriate comments while walking behind him. Only, this time Blue and his best friend, we’ll call him ‘Orange,’ and two of Purple’s friends were there to do something about it. Because Unwarranted had a lot to say when he knew Purple was too scared to retaliate. (Red was with a friend, but was furious when she found out.) But being faced with the reality of a whole group who were more than capable of protecting Purple made him back right off. No fists were thrown. No one got hurt. And everyone made it home safely. 

And Purple came to me, despite his fear and wariness, to ask... ‘What if something is wrong with Unwarranted? What if something happened at home to make him act this way? Maybe we can help...’ My response was to breathe. To stare at this kid of mine, because the compassion in those words made my heart hurt. Here was this boy who was obviously being terrorized by someone else, and all he could think about was making sure that bully was okay? I told Purple, ‘You have no idea how amazing your heart is.’ I told him, ‘I don’t know what might be going on with Unwarranted. And it’s wonderful of you to want to help. But you also have the right to be safe, whether you’re in school or walking on the streets. You have the right to have a happy learning experience without fear of being cornered in the hallways. For now, as much as I know you want to figure it all out, my priority is making sure that you are safe.’ He nodded, hugged me, and went about his day.

I read somewhere once that bullies are predators. They will go after what appears to them to be the weakest prey. Trying to stop a bully by teaching a child to stand up to them is like teaching the weakest gazelle to be stronger. The predator will not stop going after the weakest prey, it will only stop going after that target. But what if that target was never weak to begin with? Purple may not have the physical attributes of a football player or a wrestler. But he’s got something even better. He’s a wolf with a pack who would be lesser without his knowledge and love. And there’s nothing that pack wouldn’t do to protect him, just like there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make their lives better. The Sibling Mafia extends beyond blood, it seems.  Now you might be wondering, where’s the almost-11 year old Green in all this? Green came into the first three’s lives when Purple was a little under three years old. At that point, they were already bonded and closer than I could have ever imagined. But the second Green’s little wiggly self came home, the change was immediate and overwhelming. Not in a bad way, not even remotely. You see, that bond transformed. It grew, it solidified, it settled into a whole new identity. It somehow made them far more whole than any of us realized they could be. Because all three older kids had lessons to teach and love to give, and with Green they could do all that together. Without any encouragement from me, because kids don’t need to be raising other kids, Green grew up being the literal center of their world. And they all loved each other more because of it. Green is just a little guy. He’s small and skinny and scrappy, full of wit and genius that often leaves the rest of us wondering where he got it from. He looks at his siblings like he wants to give them the universe. And he goes through life like he might just give it a reason to wise up to the possibility of goodness if it tries hard enough. Nothing holds him down for long. Events, losses, physical injury. He bounces back so fast that the rest of us get whiplash. 

But what happens when an event causes loss and physical injury at the same time?

Just this past week, the kids were walking home from school. Red has Senior release, which allows her to get out of school early most days. So it was just Blue, Purple and Green, walking with their friend Orange.  In the past, there have been bullies. Two of which I have mentioned. But some never made it to the ‘something we really have to worry about’ stage. One of these bullies, particular to Blue, decided it was time to graduate to that stage in a very dangerous way. We’ll call him, ‘Mistake.’ Because what he chose to do was a big mistake on his part. The kids had made it to just before the opening of our neighborhood. They were on the sidewalk. They’d been carefree, joking, laughing, talking, when a vehicle suddenly sped its way toward them on the road. The vehicle had a passenger and a driver: Mistake. And as Mistake accelerated, one of them threw a full bottle of Powerade out the window as hard as he could. We’re fairly certain he was aiming for Blue. 

It hit Green instead.  At that speed, with that much force, something as innocuous as a bottle of liquid can do real damage. It was only sheer luck that it hit Green in the leg. If it had hit him in the head, we’d all be sitting in a hospital room right now keeping vigil. That being said, Green is small. He’s skinny. The impact to his leg was enough to damage the muscles in his thigh. You can see the impact point, a literal imprint of the bottle on his skin. The bruising is very clear. The recovery will be slow. The first thing Green did was cling to Purple. Orange and Blue yelled after the car, but it had sped quickly away. The boys managed to get Green home right away. I had been working at my computer. And the next thing I knew, Green is in my arms, incoherent and in pain, crying so hard his whole body was shaking. Calling the police was an easy decision. Trying to hide my instant and unbridled rage was so much harder. The police are treating this as assault on a minor. The bottle was collected as evidence. Green was evaluated by physicians and will thankfully make a full physical recovery. But the emotional damage seems to be much worse. Green is not himself. He’s clingy, he’s worried, he’s having nightmares. He doesn’t want to walk home anymore, even knowing his brothers and Orange are there to protect him. His birthday is barely a week away, and he is trying so hard to be enthusiastic about it. But the bruise and pain in his leg keep offering reminders. The idea of leaving school grounds without one of his siblings or me makes him panic. And the light of innocence in his eyes is that much duller.

It was a senseless, useless act. One that’s rattled us all. 

Blue and Purple are blaming themselves, as though they should have been able to see it coming and protect Green. Red is angry that she didn’t just wait to walk with them, as though her being there would have stopped it altogether. Their grandparents, friends, teachers, counselors, and even random people I have never heard of are all up in arms. They want someone to pay. I think Green just wants to pretend it never happened at all. 

To be honest, I want Mistake to pay, too. Because it doesn’t matter who he was aiming at, this was clearly assault. Clearly intended to do harm. And I’m tired of feeling like I can’t protect my children.  When did the world become so cruel? When did parents stop teaching their children that kindness is not a weakness? When will I ever feel okay with sending my children out into such an unforgiving world? I know I’m angry. In fact, I’m enraged. But... I also still have hope. Green’s birthday is steadily approaching. The kids are doing everything they can think of to make him smile again, make him laugh, prove he’s loved and, most of all, safe. They’re using their hard earned money to get him gifts, to surprise him with a puppy they’re buying themselves, to give him his normalcy back. And I’m watching them hold on to each other through it all. Like they always have. Like, I hope, that they always will. The future is coming at them quickly. Red, Blue and Orange want to get an apartment together after high school. Purple and Green have decided they want to live together forever. And they’ve all decided that they have to make time, once a week or more, to be back under one roof.  We live in a small town, but they’re going to move on outside of it. Because the world outside of it is big, and they are well aware of that fact. They want to tackle it in their own way, individually and together. They want to see where this life takes them, no matter what tries to stop them. And they want to share that journey with each other, and with anyone who wants to be a part of it. I never could have predicted how close those four amazing kids would become, or how much they’ve already changed the world just by being who they are. They’re my hope, you see. In a world where anyone can be cruel, they choose to be kind. They choose to be the example by which everyone around them learns what kindness is. Misunderstood, Unwarranted, and Mistake are learning about kindness, too. Whether they realize it or not. Because in their misunderstood existence, in their unwarranted actions, in their irreversible mistakes, the kindness of the Sibling Mafia seems to be far more powerful.  This is a story about a world full of bullies and the four kids who never stop fighting them. One act of love, kindness, and hope at a time...

[amphtaminedreams]

S/S 2020 Fashion Month: A Basic, Uneducated Fashion Heaux’s A-Z of Everything Noteworthy (Part 2/3)

Hi to anyone reading,

Back at it again with the giving my unsolicited opinion on 2020′s spring/summer offering, I’m gonna hop straight into part 2 of my fashion month review!

Sorry to start with an underwhelming few but my compulsive tendencies are making it really hard to break out of this alphabetical structure (cry laughs whilst thinking about how long it took me to face up at my retail job last night because it would give me vaguely homicidal urges and make my fingers tingle every time a customer moved something slightly out of line), so I’m gonna whizz through a handful of collections. First up, Halpern:

Not much to say but I’m envious of the heavy liner (my hooded eyes could never) and I like the colour scheme. As for the 80s style metallic pink dress?

Helmut Lang:

And Hermes:

Of these 3 collections, Hermes is definitely the most interesting. I like the colour scheme and the utilitarian shapes and the tan coloured jackets are an absolute shoot. This is how you make safari look fresh, D&G take note.

Isabel Marant was okay. It’s cute, sure, reminds me of something Mary-Kate and Ashley would’ve come out with/worn in the 2000s, and there’s definitely some things I would wear, but I wouldn’t say it looks all that luxury. Pricey, sure, but like, Free People pricey, not designer pricey. As a collection, it’s not all that conceptual, unless the concept is L.A girl does a Starbucks run after her bikram yoga class. What I will say though is that some of the S/S 2020 commercial trends are becoming clear: white cheesecloth pieces, peasant blouses, cowboy boots, scrappy sandals, neutral tones, and bandana print. 

Now onto the darling of high fashion Twitter: Jacquemus.

As far as presentation goes, this has to be one of my favourite set-ups of the season; a hot pink runway running through a lavender meadow is as canny and serene as those who sing the praises of Simon Porte Jacquemus would have you expect, and the clothes were easy, breezy and beautiful, even if there is an element of getting dressed in the dark going on with the styling which put me off including a few otherwise gorgeous pieces. It might not be 100% my style but you can tell this is a brand of the future which is only going to go from strength to strength.

And everything was beautifully and purposefully crafted on the runway with J.W Anderson this year. The pieces are graceful and timeless whilst still easy to envision as something a modern woman would throw on to (very fashionably) run some errands in the city. This was also one of the handful of shows (IIRC! This might be a case of extreme deja-vu!) where we saw the sandal straps tied over the trousers, I’m guessing to accentuate the ankles, and...I’m surprisingly here for it? Though in a sense it kinda resembles when I accidentally get my work trousers tucked into my slipper socks, it’s an interesting touch and adds a bit of a shape to otherwise billowing bottom halves.

Following Jacquemus’ lead (or vice versa, I’m way too deep into this fashion month haze to work out who went first at this point), Lacoste also put on a co-ed show. Otherwise crisp and preppy as per, the neckerchiefs (even if seeing them all next to one another does give off a bit of a Disneyland Main Street barbershop quartet vibe) and vinyl/wet-look/PVC/I’m still not sure what differentiates the 3 coats were an out of the box touch for them and I really liked it. It’s athleisure, but more like something Hayley Bieber would’ve worn as part of her Princess Diana inspired shoot than anything I’d wear to the gym.

LMAO, as if I go the gym. But you get my point. Next, Loewe:

Delicate, feminine and all around delightful, the S/S 2020 Loewe collection is up there with Chloe and Brock when it comes to most spring appropriate. More chiffon, lace and doily-like detailing, please, the old woman in me lives for this kinda thing made fashionable. Like with J.W Anderson, you can tell the design team wanted to do something different without just throwing shit onto their pieces for the sake of being wacky, and so we end up with these dramatic, slightly geometric waistlines and almost angelic Victorian nightgown inspired dresses that kinda make me wished that 1). ghosts existed and that 2). I lived back in that era so I could die some tragic death wearing any one of the dresses on the left in the top 3 rows and then haunt the shit out of everyone. That would really be an iconic fashion moment. Also wonderful, imo, was Louis Vuitton:

The mix between 60s and Edwardian I never knew I needed, as opposed to Gucci’s forward thinking take on the former decade, Louis Vuitton takes it back even further and throws in late 19th/early 20th century structures and references. I adore the what seems to be a mix between brocade and paisley print and the exaggerated collars are a very cute touch. The jacket on the top left is a highlight, a more neutral version of the similar catsuit seen at the Longchamp show (I couldn’t personally pick enough highlights from that to include it), and I now more than ever really want to try and pull off a sweater vest. The shoes might not be the most exciting thing ever but they’re also a personal favourite, from the knee high boots to the loafers with the LV moniker.

Maison Margiela was very cool and again, I’m in love with the shoes and just the accessories in general, ESPECIALLY those hats. I don’t know if I’m way off base here but this show is almost a modernised, fashionable version of a 1940s period drama about WW2 pilots and evacuees. Yes, maybe I am just getting that solely from the trench coats and the naval influences and the exaggerated collars but I think with that list I made quite a case for that perspective, right? Right.

And completing this holy trinity (appropriating the term I usually reserve for Emma Watson, Emma Stone and Emma Roberts is not without careful consideration) is Marc Jacobs. One of my ultimate favourites of this season, this collection is absolutely EVERYTHING: kitschy, dream-like, whimsical, over-the-top, and totally appropriate for your slightly eccentric aunt who always drinks too much wine and talks a lot of shit every time she comes over for dinner. I really feel like I walked into wonderland looking at this collection, and in the best way possible, it gives me a female Russell Brand in the 2000s’ wardrobe on crack. On the one hand we have these insanely beautiful and ethereal chiffon floral dresses but then we also have fricken top hats. Basically, it’s everything I love about fashion and I don’t know if anything can top it. Periodt (and I type that with a totally straight face). 

Next, onto another personal fave, Marchesa:

Which is as always, beautiful. I was going to write that if Disney princesses came to life and lived in the modern world (so, in other words, Elle Fanning), they would be wearing Marchesa and then I remembered that the film Enchanted exists and had a lightbulb moment and thought OH MY GOD IF THEY REMADE THAT IN 2019, THE DRESS ON THE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE ROW WOULD BE A PERFECT LEVELLING UP OF THE CURTAIN DRESS.

Anyways, favourites of the favourites are the bottom row; I would die for that feather trim. 

BUT where Marchesa is everything opulent, overly ornate and err-ing on “fussy”, Margaret Howell’s S/S 2020 collection is completely stripped back and just as effective, if not as to my taste. Very cool, very current, and altogether effortless (in a good way!), with this show Margaret Howell made mid-20th century utilitarianism relevant. I never thought I’d be praising the combination of bermuda shorts, crew socks and a beanie and yet here I am. Character development.

Next is Marine Serre:

Which I really like! The bottom row isn’t really to my personal taste but I can acknowledge that if I saw somebody wearing any one of those outfits I’d think they looked sick, and as for the first two rows, those mesh tops and the slightly chintzy florals are right up my alley.

Marques Almeida put out a really strong collection, imo. The blending of luxurious silhouettes and fabrics with street wear inspired prints and styling is a really interesting and unique contrast and if Billie Eilish ever decided to stop wearing those tweenie clothes and wanted to actually seduce somebody’s dad (I LOVE BILLIE EILISH AND I KNOW WHY SHE DRESSES THE WAY SHE DOES, IT’S A JOKE, PLS DON’T HATE ME), I’d love to see her wearing something like this. It’s a blend of punk, urban, and 2019 e-girl and has the kind of edge that Topshop has lost over the past couple of years that used to make it so aspirational to my 13 year old self. Of all the shows, it also probably has the most personally wearable accessories, and a shit tonne of cool make up looks I’d love to try if it weren’t for my lack of visible eyelid, lol.

Make up looks were a highlight of the Max Mara show too, for me anyway.

I otherwise wasn’t hugely keen on the collection, it being a little too matronly/Miss.Trunchbull-esque for my liking (wild card fashion inspiration of 2019, apparently?). The light paisley print dresses are very dreamy, though, and I can never resist a good suit. 

As for Michael Kors, dare I say it, but the basic bitch in me loved it. I know as a designer he’s not held in very high regard by the fashion community and I'm not saying it’s at all original but it did what it set out to do well; I mean, it’s quite fitting that he cameo-d in an episode of Gossip Girl because every outfit would be perfect for the Constance attending incarnation of Blair Waldorf, which is probably why I like the collection. Like yeah, it’s a bit of a Polo Ralph Lauren/Lacoste rip off but it’s daintier and more feminine and so I’m not gonna lie, I’m on board with it. 

Next, Miu Miu.

One of the collections I was most excited for, I was a little disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, I really like the collection, but I have never once disliked anything Miu Miu and I usually love it. There are things I love about this line too: the cream, floral lace-up boots, the off-the-shoulder cardigans, the houndstooth oversized coats and of course the fur-lined gilets. My mum used to buy me similar ones when I was a little girl and so they give me childhood nostalgia in the best way possible. I mean, the collection is as girly and eccentric as ever. I think it’s just a little too on the primary school librarian side for me, this time round. Sorry Miu Miu xoxo

Now I’m just gonna speed through a couple, starting with MM6 Maison Margiela, the younger sister to the more expensive regular Maison Margiela line:

And Monique Lhuillier:

So that I can get to one of my other ultimate favourite collections for S/S 2020: Moschino.

Oh my god, where to even start. Firstly, I might be reaching, but if this show is even remotely to thank for art nouveau mesh tops showing up in the Urban Outfitters new in section, then a very sarcastic thank you to Jeremy Scott. You just made ethical shopping a lot harder. HOW am I supposed to not buy an Alphonse Mucha top? HOW!? I mean, I’m sure I’ll manage (I’m on month 3 without a shopping spree I can’t actually afford now and yes, I am very much patting myself on the back), but HOW!?

But on a serious level, if renaissance was the print of 2019, which I’m still very much into BTW, bring on modern art as its 2020 replacement. The Pablo Picasso inspired show not only livened up a generally pretty predictable fashion month but it’s also got me searching up other times art has met fashion on the runway and thrown me down a particularly aesthetically pleasing wormhole I’m not sure I ever want to escape from (https://frontrowmagazine.ca/art-inspired-looks-were-all-over-the-runways-of-fashion-week-a74e8bc7ff0d and https://www.vogue.com/article/spring-2017-ready-to-wear-fine-arts-trends are good starting points!).

Mugler was also up there with the best of them, imo:

See, if the Moschino collection was all about dabbling in art class, Mugler’s S/S 2020 collection is its more mathematically inclined sister, all about sharp lines and deconstructed silhouettes and symmetry all whilst looking hot as fuck. So very Mugler, basically. 

Now, this reference might be slightly off because I haven’t actually SEEN Ex-Machina yet but I imagine if Kim Kardashian were to channel that movie for a costume party she’d end up wearing something from this collection. That sounds like a roast because Kim has worn some questionable outfits but I blame Kanye for most of that and I’m referring to her on a good fashion day, alright!?

As for Off-White, it’s obviously a lot more commercial than most of the lines I’ve reviewed so far. Like, I can see a lot of these outfits on a mannequin in Urban Outfitters (no, I am not being paid to namedrop them, about 3 people in total read this Tumblr so any kind of sponsorship money would be severely wasted on me). That’s not necessarily a bad thing, and I love all of these looks; it just seems unfair to compare them to the the Mugler or Moschino collections, for example. 

The stand outs for me are all on the bottom row: I would buy the utility vest, leather blazer and the all mesh turtleneck under washed-out tie-dye on the spot if I saw them in a high street store. Unfortunately, I feel like that’s kinda where they belong. You just expect collections to be a bit more conceptual, and this one is a little watered down, as much as it’s my style.

Oscar de la Renta was beautiful, of course. Not like I’m shook by how beautiful it is but kinda just what you’d expect from a brand with a name as poetic and fun to say as Oscar de la Renta. The silhouettes are dreamy and the details are as fit for a fairy princess (lmao) as ever. Plus can I just say how happy I am to see butterflies on dresses for adult women again!? And dresses worn by Blanca Padilla nonetheless!? Very here for it.

Next up is another on one of my fashion month highlights: Paco Rabanne.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, something about this collection (I’m pretty sure it’s the knee high coloured socks) is giving me primary school teacher vibes, but I'm not mad about it. It’d be the kind of teacher who’s actually really good at their job and has loads of cool hobbies and a really hot boyfriend or girlfriend or wife or husband who you secretly want to be then you grow up/and or have a huge crush on. 

Like with Marc Jacobs, there’s obvious flower child elements here, and whilst on the whole the former took my breath away slightly more, this is a lot more wearable. My favourites are the paisley print dress and cape on the left in the very bottom row and all the chainmail pieces (which remind me of the dress Naomi Smalls wore in that whole club ninety-sixxxxx skit on drag race), plus that floral cut out dress with the trailing flute sleeves, which is absolute PERFECTION. 

The 70s influence was clear in Peter Pilotto’s S/S 2020 collection too from the abundance of tie-dye to the knit v-neck dress, zany colour and print being the very on-brand focus. That being said, this is definitely more of a street-style inspired collection than usual and whilst the floral suits and dresses on the 3rd row down are very typical Peter Pilotto, the tie-dye corset and combat trousers on the far right, second row from the bottom, are very Jaded London. As for the reoccurrence of the bucket hat, I’ve remained steadfastly against them for several years now (even when our Lord and Saviour Miss Robyn Rihanna Fenty started wearing them) but the way they’re done in this collection even I could definitely get behind; all in all, the show surpassed my expectations.

The same goes for Ports 1961, which was a lot more eccentric than I gathered is the norm from a few google searches. Honestly, I hadn’t really heard of the brand which, upon reading up on it, I feel very dumb for considering it has been around since (in the shock twist of the century) 1961.

Yes, I know how that sounds! But forgive me, I’m still learning:)

Anyway, the fishnet detailing alone pretty much sold the looks I picked out. Seriously, I got a pair of those bloody tights, like, 2 years ago when they became a thing again and now any outfit where I have my legs out feels incomplete without them. 

Next is Prabal Gurung, which, as far as presentation goes, was fucking STUNNING:

I mean, you could say that I’m easily impressed and that the presence of the bouquets won me over (and you’d definitely have a point there), but it’s also this year’s Givenchy haute couture-esque feathers, the trailing pearl necklaces, the exaggerated shoulders, the dreamy colouring, the everything looking like it could’ve grown off a very fashionably-inclined tree. Like, there’s a lot to love here, from the naturalistic elements, to the context behind the show, an ode to American fashion history and those cast out of it (and the notion of “being American” in general) for so long. 

Going from a high to a (personal) low, however, next we have Prada:

I don’t know, I get that it’s supposed to be simple and stripped back and dignified and whatever and I like the looks I picked but it’s just a bit blah for me. The bonnets that kept cropping up just didn’t do it for me and almost ruined what is an otherwise nice skirt suit (top right). Nonetheless, I like the silhouette of the sheer black dress and the the brocade print suit is really luxurious looking, even if the pattern is a *little* Wetherspoons carpet. 

Anyways, here’s a quick overview of Rag and Bone:

So that I can stop moaning and get onto a collection I REALLY liked: 

I am of course talking about Ralph and Russo. See, this is kinda what I expected from, like, Chanel and yet it’s Ralph and Russo that delivered. Also, it gives me Alessandra Rich vibes which is very much a compliment considering how much I love her designs. I mean, if Valley of the Dolls were to get another film remake in 2019, this is exactly what I’d like to see the female leads wearing, from the pastel suits to the satin kaftan style dresses. The yellow feather trimmed dress is practically a copy of something Marchesa has already done but it’s cute all the same. In my top 10 collections of the season, for sure.

Rick Owens was another strong collection; it goes without saying that it’s not the most wearable but that’s not really what Rick Owens is known for, so I wouldn’t expect anything else. If you want fashion on an alien planet, or something Lady Gaga would’ve worn in 2010, he's your man.

Next, Rodarte:

Obviously the dresses are beautiful and the set is magnificent, BUT...I’m really not a fan of the whole celebrities filling in for high fashion models thing. I like Lili Reinhart and I adore Kirsten Dunst, she’s been in a load of my favourite films, but in a similar vein to Dolce and Gabbana’s influencer show, it’s just distracting from the actual garments, if even worse because I don’t WANT to be distracted here (the same can’t be said for the D&G show, lol).  If anybody has read this far, let me know your thoughts! 

Roland Mouret was nice, and I always like a coed show, especially when a designer isn’t afraid to blur the lines of masculine and feminine. It’s fresh, lightweight and luxurious looking, Cannes film festival street style eat your heart out, and I love the colour palette.

Similarly, colour was my favourite thing about Sally LaPointe’s S/S 2020 collection. 

I would never think that teal and burnt orange would work together, let alone in some kind of faux leather, and yet here we are. Orange is in itself always an interesting colour choice, perfect for the summer with a tan, and I really love monochrome outfits, even though they’re something that ends up being quite pricey to put together; slight differences in tone are okay but if you just randomly throw together a few things and they’re too off, it really doesn’t work and you’d have been better off wearing contrasting colours. For that reason, I’m just gonna admire that all-pink outfit from a distance. 

As for Schiaparelli, it’s one I always look forwards to for the sheer weirdness. RTW isn’t quite as kooky as haute couture but still, the interesting choices are still there; what at first glance appears to be flame print is actually coils of hair, and paired with a water print suit is a sequinned jacket emblazoned with a paradisiacal mirage. Ornament-like facial decorations as seen in the over-exaggerated glasses worn with the pony hair suit are also one of my favourite new things to happen in the high fashion scene in the past couple of months and I can’t wait to see how they get watered down to become more approachable for us...regular, non-structurally blessed folks who can’t pull off anything and everything.

Simone Rocha was STUNNING. Romantic and ethereal, it’s druid goddess crossed with upper class Victorian woman of leisure, equal parts delicate and grungy, like a modern, fashion version of Lady Gaga’s Scathach in the Roanoke season of American Horror Story. You know, in the flashbacks, not in present day when she was all gross and like...scalping people and shit. Each dress is so ornate and has such an interesting structure, and the fabric choices give off an organic kinda vibe that create a handmade feel; the collection is, imo, really worthy of being shown under a haute couture heading. When it comes to my favourite element of the show, I’m torn between the petticoats and the hair accessories. I’m just gonna give a cop-out answer and say both. 

Stella McCartney on the other hand, is very much a clear ready-to-wear collection. 

It’s pretty, for sure. The pastel blazers paired with delicate white mesh tops underneath are a gorgeous combination for spring and I like the reoccurrence of the chain glasses (Gucci, right?). But I mean, when you go from Simone Rocha to this, it’s a bit anticlimactic. Plus, if I’m honest, kaftans are always going to remind me of Honey Mahogany from season 5 of Drag Race. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she’s a lovely person but her runway looks aren’t really ones I look back fondly on, and you’re lying if you say you enjoyed them for anything other than meme purposes.

Temperley is equally meh, though the return of the Erdem-style boating hats is getting me excited that high street retailers might actually pick up on the trend and bring out some cheap ones for me to embarrass myself by wearing. 

I also love a good 70s suit, the neckerchiefs are cute and there are some really delightful prints here that are a more unique approach to florals for spring.

Coming towards the end now, next is Thom Browne:

I LOVE this. Like, don’t get me wrong Rick Owens was cool but I adore how on the nose the concept is here; time to bring back all the Marie Antoinette puns I didn’t get to use in my Versailles Instagram post. I don’t know if it’s the history buff in me or the Sofia Coppola Stan but I will always be willing to sign any kind of treaty for anything related to the excesses of the 18th century French monarchy, and this is that turned up to 1000 infused with a dash of the Teletubbies, which sounds like a nightmarish concept, I know, but as high fashion it WORKS.

Tory Burch was very commercial, seemingly half inspired by Monterey yoga moms and the other half by Hamptons socialites. 

And then there was Valentino, which was fucking exquisite, imo. LIKE, CALLING DOCLE & GABBANA: THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE TROPICAL PRINT INTERESTING. YOU MAKE THE VELVET MONKEY’S ARM THE FRICKEN WAISTBAND. 

Seriously, though, I am enamoured with this colour palette; all the whites and golds are angelic and fr, I didn’t know until now that you could make neons this elegant. I’m also getting an almost clerical feel from a lot of these looks, with the plaited waistband on the black dress that’s 7th row down in the middle, the stunning red cape and the multitude of exaggerated neck ruffs. I think I’ve mentioned before but I always love religious references in clothing-I don’t think I’ll ever get over the 2018 Met Gala-and so whether I’m reading too much into it or not, this collection really did it for me.

Whilst it’s probably as far removed a collection from Valentino’s S/S 2020 contribution you can get, I also loved Vera Wang this season. It might purely (I PROMISE THIS IS MY LAST GOSSIP GIRL REFERENCE) be because it gives me Jenny Humphrey vibes and *controversial* she did have my favourite style of any of the main characters, but sue me, this is just the right amount of late 90s/early 2000s grunge. Deconstructed trashy goth it girl is an interesting concept to see on the runway and I completely support it. 

Versace on the other hand was very hit or miss. The looks I picked out I really loved but ultimately, for one of the household name brands, a lot of the actual garments were a bit pedestrian. I will say though that for me, it’s a case of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. The slicked back mermaid hair and the pops of colour in the makeup and the interesting necklines meant that when it was good, it was GOOD. However, overall, still a bit too 80s Miami businesswoman, and please GOD, can we leave that hideous J-Lo dress in the past, it should really not be the climax of the show in 20-fucking-19!

As for Victoria Beckham, I liked it, but it’s a bit of a Gucci copy, no? And no way near as interesting?

And on that note, I’m gonna have to cut this off. Super annoying but with only 5 collections left that I want to talk about, Tumblr is being a little bitch and will not let me add anything more to this post. So, see you in 5 for the final post!

Lauren x

[breotch-blog1]

11 Questions

I was tagged by @gizzwhizz

Rules: Answer the questions you’re given at the end, write 11 of your own, and tag 11 people.

I’m so bad at doing these, mostly because I feel like I’m so boring why would anyone want to know about meee? lol but I love all you peeps so I’m going to try my best to talk about myself more  ♡

I’ll tag @saturnvalleycoffee  @prompuff  @dirtyhecker

1. What is your favorite TV show and why (cartoons and anime count)?

I guess it would have to be FRIENDS. It’s been 14 years since it ended and I STILL watch it. It was the first show that really made me bond with my mother and sister since that was the only thing we could all watch together. 

2. What is your favorite thing to do on Saturday night? 

Play video games! I spend all week communicating with people for my job, the best thing for me is to unwind and not be sociable lol. 

3. Any games you’re excited for this year?

Shadow of the Colossus looks beautiful I cant wait to experience the remake!  And i mean helllooooo Kingdom Hearts 3 please!? XD

4. Do you have a book that you’ve read over and over?

I’m going to be THAT person and say Harry Potter. No other book phased me the way that series did. It left a huge impact on me growing up and holds a lot of special memories  ♡

5. Who was your favorite teacher?

I was lucky enough to grow up with a group of really strong and confident ladies who mentored me throughout my years from 2nd grade through 10th grade. They were all friends together and so I spent time with them growing up even when they weren’t my teachers anymore. 

6. What is your favorite piece of trivia you know that most people don’t?

I can’t think of a random piece of trivia at the moment, but I will own at Disney Trivia :)  Its actually kind of scary. I also have a weird knowledge of Movie/Video game orchestra soundtracks, so if the Jurassic Park theme or Metal Gear Solid theme were to start playing, I would know instantly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

7. What’s your favorite season?

Winter.  I love snow and how quiet it can get  ♡

8. Have you ever traveled to another country? Is there a country you’d like to go to?

I’ve been fortunate enough to travel with my family since I was able to walk. I’ve been to the Caribbean Islands, France, Italy, Greece, Mexico, Spain. I am dying to go to London, Thailand, or Bali

9. Have you made any friends through fanfiction/fan art/fandom in general that you don’t think you would have made otherwise?

I have FFXV to thank for that :) I’ve been in a couple fandoms now where I had never talked to anyone or no one ever reached out to me. I’m incredibly shy, but when it comes to supporting others and letting them know their content is amazing, I try my best to tell them (it’s the least I can do after all the hard work they put into creating something!) And this past year, for the first time ever I’ve spoken to sooo many incredible people! Mostly it’s been them reaching out to me and me trying not to be a blubbering gushing dumb dumb. If it wasnt for FFXV I don’t think I would be friends with these people, and I’m so grateful that they reached out to me :’)  (you know who you are!!)  ♡ ♡ ♡

10. Do you listen to Podcasts, and if so what are your favorites?

Yessss!  Love a good Podcast!  So I had finished one a couple months ago called Dirty John.  If you love a good Crime/Thriller story, this one made me zip through it all in one day.  It’s only 6 episodes long, about 45 minutes each, and it tells the true story of a psychotic man that charms his way into different women’s lives. It’s fricken insane! Deals with a lot of dark stuff so please read up before you listen if that type of content is hard for you.

Another good Podcast station is “The Moth”.  If you check it out, I highly recommend It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times.  Only 9 minutes long, this is a beautifully heartbreaking story that had me ugly crying in my car during traffic  ♡  The Moth has a library of other short stories that are wonderful to listen to as well!

11. Is there a movie you could always watch and never get tired of?

Ever After ♡ The Lord of the Rings ♡ Harry Potter ♡ The Lion King ♡ The Fountain ♡ 

Questions for the people I tagged:

1. We all have our annoyances, what is your biggest pet peeve?

2. What is your favorite food item?

3. As the only human left on Earth, what would you do?

4. What is one of your favorite smells?

5. Name one of your guilty pleasures ;)

6. What quirks do you have?

7. If you could live in a game or movie universe, where would you most like to live in?

8. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?

9. Recent google search, what was it?

10. What is your favorite Disney movie? (If you don’t like Disney, what is your fav. movie?

11. Are you currently addicted to any video games at the moment?  And if so, any recs?

[yoyoplisetsky]

I was sick for like half of this week which probably explains why this list is so long? Unfortunately didn’t write much, bc a lot of what i’m doing is behind the scenes stuff with no visible results rn (working on my shitbang fic, working on a few things that I haven’t finished yet). However, I read like 20+ super amazing fics??? As always, pls rec me any you’ve written/enjoyed, because I want to read them so much!! 

What I Read This Week (7/9-7/16)

I Don’t Know ‘Bout Me but I Know About You - ouroboros - @ouroborosbites - Set at the GPF a year-ish pre-canon. JJ, having a sexuality crisis, propositions Victor, who, having not found his direction through Yuuri yet, is enough of a mess to accept. (My review: JJ/Viktor? And I enjoyed it? No, seriously, surprisingly good!!)

Let Me Sail Across the Sea for there is Never One Who Loved You More Than Me - tothebatcave53 - @tothebatcave53 - Victor has always loved the ocean, he is drawn to it's beauty and it's power. He sets out, a simple day in a simple boat with a simple desire to just exist in peace out in the ocean. When Victor wakes it is to the turmoil of the waves, desperate to sink him and his tiny boat into it's murky depths. It is only the most beautiful hallucination that keeps Victor sane in what he assumes are his last moments. (My review: AHHHH guys i always need mermaid aus i’m fricken screaming this one is so a+ everyone read it)

i’m someone you maybe might love - xylophones - @xyloophones -  Viktor sighs. “It’s nothing. It’s just––you never look at me like this.” / “How am I looking at you?” / “Like I’m someone special. Like I’m someone you might love.” / Yuuri frowns. “You are someone I love.” / Viktor shakes his head and laughs, just on this side of bitter. “Not like that, Yuuri.” / (Or: Viktor is not as observant as he thinks he is.) (My review: this is a super precious high school au that i would suggest to everyone because it’s so many amazing tropes wrapped up in one fic)

come with me and escape - La_Temperanza - @teekettle - Viktor meets a hypnotizing stranger dancing in the club and, well, things just naturally progress from there. (My review: hooooo boy nsfw viktuuri week is a Treat. yes. i love this. this is a good trope)

For Your Eyes Only - opalish - tumblr unknown (pls tell me if you know?) - Yuuri once told Victor that Phichit was the only foreign skater he considered a friend. Yuuri lied. He's been Seung-gil's dirty little secret for well over a year. (My review: O H MY GOD so that art of seunggil and yuuri being friends is one of my favorites so i’m ??? so glad someone acted on it)

black box (Ch. 1) - SKnight - @sephknight​ - The entire world is thrown into madness when all the best actors team up for a new TV show about... skating? Doesn't matter, all the fans know is that this means roughly 273.15% more ice cube jokes, the potential resurrection of some dead memes, and 9999% more Victuuri to scream about and die from. The fans have been thirsty for more Katsuki-Nikiforov co-starred content since 2011, and this oncoming show about ice could just be the thing to quench that thirst. ...Oh god, the bad jokes are already starting. (My review: look we all know i have a Thing for fics with fake social media and this one is ALL fake social media so i’m pumped to see more)

third time lucky - katsukiy - @yuriplisetsk​ - This year, for Tanabata, Viktor decided to wish for something a little different. (My review: not even double but Triple yuuri!!! oh god we all know here that i have a Thing for multiples, but this is so good)

Dinner For Two - Yuripaws - @yuripaws​  - Viktor dreams of two delicious bowls of katsudon only to find that he isn't invited to dinner. But he is invited to the show. (My review: MORE. DOUBLE. YUURI. guys i’ll never be sick of this trope and this one is so a+ with our desperate viktor mmm yes)

love’s not a competition (but i’m winning) (Ch. 1) - LittleLostStar, spookyfoot - @iwritevictuuri​, @katsukiyuuristrophyhusband​ - Victor Nikiforov is the leader of the best burlesque revue in the city, and well on his way to achieving his dream goal of a Upper-Level Lesser Kardashian-level stardom, complete with his own reality TV show. So when rival burlesque dancer Yuuri Katsuki scoops Victor's theme night and refuses to back down (or fire those hips that will not quit), it doesn't take long before war is declared—a tense and glittery battle featuring anarchic stagehands, orange light gels, fake eyelashes...and some occasional hate-sex that may not be hate-sex at all. (My review: give me more glitter or give me death! you can expect nothing else from spooky and star than just the absolute best and that’s this.)

Here Comes The Sun - henrywinter (bakkhant) - @bakkhanalia​ - Written for YOI Catfish Prompt Party 2017, for the prompt ‘apocalypse au with it being their last day on earth!’. This...probably isn't what you wanted. (My review: ahh such a cool au!! i love the take on the prompt they had and it was so well written :))

Partner, Let Me Upgrade You (Series - Parts 1-4, Ch. 1-6 (Part 1), Ch. 1-2 (Part 3) - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites​ - Z’s Popstar AU (My review: z, i was going to rec all of these individually but then my rec list would hvae gone on for like 50 years. but asfkl; i finally got around to reading it and i’m dying for my Extra sons)

Baby, I’m Preying on You Tonight (Ch. 8) - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites​ - Yuuri and Phichit registered and named the pet shop when they were drunk. They didn’t exactly expect it to become the most popular pet shop in Seattle. (It was only supposed to be a front to fund Phichit’s (undercover) animal rescue missions.) Enter Viktor Nikiforov, the man with the pink Cadillac and the giant brown poodle (that's stolen Yuuri's heart), and Yuuri might have lost his mind, because apparently he keeps flirting with a client – and he never even notices. (My review: the jjs will never cease to slay me. viktor and chris especially cute in this chapter)

patellofemoral pain syndrome (Ch. 3) - seventhstar - @pencilwalla​ - It’s just…does Viktor not get bored with doing it the same way every night? Doesn’t he want to spice things up? Is Yuuri being unreasonable? He’s pretty sure that if Viktor told him his performance in bed was unsatisfying his soul would flee his body for a more merciful plane of existence, but…Viktor is thicker-skinned than he is. And so here they are. Viktor’s bed is wide and soft, and Yuuri is lying there with wet hair and ratty boxers while Viktor absently trails kisses over his shoulder. It’s nice. It’s soft. It’s good. Viktor’s headboard is enormous and Yuuri keeps thinking about Viktor’s wrists bound to it, black rope over white skin. Fuck. He should say something. (My review: mmm arthritis porn except nuri didn’t give me porn this chapter)

conjecture - seventhstar - @pencilwalla​ - The first is that he and his new husband are now alone, and will continue to be alone until they reach Yu-topia. Yuuri has never been gregarious, and finds it difficult to make prolonged conversation with strangers at parties; he dreads having to speak to Viktor for so many hours. If his aunt’s description of him is accurate, the only thing they have in common is a love for money, and that is hardly wedding night conversation. The second is that when Yuuri finally looks at Viktor, rather than looking anywhere but directly at him as he has been, he realizes that Viktor is… (My review: have i mentioned that i love this series? i have, but.... it’s just,,, so good.)

By Anointment Only - La_Temperanza - @teekettle​ - He starts with the feet.It makes the most sense. After all, a figure skater’s greatest commodity is often their feet, taking the brunt of the damage required to hone their craft. He knows whatever tender loving care he gives now isn't enough to erase years of self-inflicted abuse, not in a single session. But it doesn't mean he's not going to at least try.So, Viktor starts with the feet. But the thing is, he rarely gets much further than that. (My review: FOOT FETISH i hate feet and this story was still a+)

The Katsulanont Guide to Surviving College (Rice Cooker Required) - xylophones - @xyloophones - It’s Phichit’s fault. It’s always Phichit’s fault. (Or: A friendship told through three hamsters, a rice cooker, and the resurrected trade-and-barter system.) (My review: i think i laughed like 3/4 of this story it’s just,,, so in character for them and ridiculous)

Colored Pencils and Markers - RainyTea - @rainyteawrites - Viktor finds Yuuri’s poster collection, but there’s another surprise in there too. (My review: yuuri’s poster collection with a twist ;) ;) loved it)

Wanted: Skating Lessons - slightlied - @forovnix​ - Wanted: Skating Lessons / Hi. I am Victor and I need to learn how to skate before Saturday. My parents have been paying for me to get skating lessons every week for the last fifteen years but I never actually attended any of the lessons and I spent the money on marble busts instead. Now they want me to perform to ‘Stammi Vicino’ at their wedding anniversary on Saturday. / If you can teach me, be here at Ice Castle tomorrow at 7:27am with an extra pair of skates. I am a fast learner (well, at least my dog Makkachin is–it took me only two weeks to teach him how to roll over) so I am pretty sure I will pick it up quickly. In return, I can teach you how to say some pick-up lines in Russian or tell you some facts about my love life. Whichever you prefer. Not both, though. / Yours sincerely,  / Victor / PS. I’m a size 8 --- Or, Yuuri answers an ad he sees on Ice Castle's community board. (My review: THIS WAS PRECIOUS asdfjkl i loved it so much and i know it’s been around for a while but i just found it and like,,, i’m glad i did)

Meet Your Idol! - RoseusJaeger - @roseus-jaeger​ - Ryuugazaki Rei has been a fan of Katsuki Yuuri since he was in grade school, admiring his beauty and grace on the ice. It's Katsuki's last season on the ice before his marriage to Victor Nikiforov and Rei would do anything for an autograph before his official retirement... or at least he thought until his boyfriend, Nagisa Hazuki, actually plots to get him an autograph at the NHK Cup. (My review: what you probably sort of know about me is that i love free! so this was a great read and roseus did so well with all of the character and i loved it)

(Let’s Get Married) At First Sight - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites​ - Yuuri is just your average medical resident trying to survive an emergency room rotation at a large, city hospital, when a perfectly gorgeous stranger interrupts his after-work coffee break with the assumption that Yuuri is his blind date. What’s Yuuri to do? – Pretend he’s definitely on a blind date, too! Or, the "I know you're on a blind date and I'm not the right guy, but it's been a while and now I don't know how to tell you that you sat at the wrong table. Call me?" AU. (My review: this is so super precious asfdsljlk i love that yuuri just went for it instead of correcting him)

He Just Up and Ran Away (So I’m Never Going Back) (Ch. 1-2) - cuttlemefish - @cuttlemefishwrites - The back of the silver card reads Fantasies by Lilia, and Viktor lets his thumb brush over it with intense scrutiny. The name on the front winks at him with the glint of danger: Alex. “Oh, Yuuri, are you cheating on me?” Viktor whispers to himself, crumbling on the bed with the onslaught of a panic attack. Yuuri is Viktor’s everything; the first boyfriend he’s had in almost a decade, after years spent too busy lost between circuitry and code. But then he notices that there’s a stack of similar looking cards that read Celeste, Adrian, Robert, Michael, and Yuuri. All of them read Fantasies by Lilia. Or, welcome to the story in which Viktor discovers his boyfriend Yuuri is a high-class escort who takes on different identities and lives for different clients, including Viktor, who thought he was saving a stripper by putting a ring on his finger. (My review: i hvae read like maybe 1 escort au in this fandom bc i’m always very,,, eh about it but i’ll try anything z does nad it’s??? so good)

Katsuki’s Pet Needs (Ch. 1) - nerdlife4eva - @n3rdlif343va - Yuuri Katsuki owns a small pet store in a little town on the coast. He loves running his own business, and especially loves Sundays when his best friend, Phichit, runs adoption events for his animal rescue organization in his store. Victor Nikiforov has always wanted a dog, excitedly attending the scheduled pet adoption hoping to find his first furever friend. Another universe where these two find each other, this time with a little help from the brown fluff of Makkachin herself. (My review: THIS IS VERY PRECIOUS. if you want shameless fluff, read this!!)

Hunter of Eros (Ch. 4-5) - LalodyBear - @lalody - Lord Eros is perhaps the oldest of all living vampires and a legend among hunters. For thousands of years no-one has been able to slay him and stop his evil reign. Victor Nikiforov is the greatest hunter to have ever lived. ~ After seemingly endless sightings of newborn vampires appearing across Japan, Yakov's hunters are sent to put a stop to it. During a hunt, Victor Nikiforov has his first ever innocent witness to a slaying - Yuuri Katsuki, an utterly adorable local. After being cornered into staying with the group of Russian hunters, Yuuri just prays Victor doesn't find out his secret and slay him in his sleep. (My review: ahh it’s been so long since this updated, and i’m so glad i’m patient because i love this au so much. i don’t even care it took so long like ?? take that long always if you’re gonna give me quality content like that (which i’m sure you will))

What I Wrote This Week (7/9-7/16) (nothing on ao3, only tumblr this week)

the latin fic (I’m a shameless classics major)

the headcanon posts (Cary’s excuse to write crack fics while disguising them as headcanons)

the gum fic (#MoreExtraThanExtra)

[ireadnowi]

5 TROPICAL ISLAND HOLIDAYS FOR WHEN YOU’RE BROKE AND NEED SUN

Tropical island holidays are my first choice for a getaway.

Who doesn’t want to measure as an island baby?

It’s easy to convince yourself that living la Vida Loca on a tropical island will cost you an arm and a leg...

Can you not, Bora Bora?

However, imma allow you to in on some secrets of a number of the most cost-effective possible places to possess a tropical island holiday, without breaking the bank.

These destinations are so cheap, the sole real expense you've got to stress about is getting over there…

Lucky for you, it’s easy to snag an inexpensive flight.

1.0 PERHENTIAN ISLANDS, MALAYSIA : Perhentian Islands is as stunning because it is reasonable.

Just a brief 1-hour flight from Kuala Lumpur and a half an hour boat ride, you’ll end up in paradise.

Completely hidden and underrated, I think people will start to catch on soon.

Also, the cost of meals and accommodation is insanely cheap.

Most activities are free as people enjoy the natural activities the island has got to offer, like hiking and exploring.

2.0 Sri Lanka :

Sri Lanka must get on your bucketlist.

Not only are you able to get tons out of a tropical beach holiday, but you'll also explore mountains and cities.

The West Coast is home to Colombo, which is that the hottest place to go to.

I recommend heading to the South Coast to explore amazing beaches, wildlife parks, and temples. It’s also a touch quieter.

Sri Lanka is additionally super cheap, with accommodation, food, and activities costing as little as AU$30 each day.

3.0 CROATIA :

There’s a reason people flock from everywhere the planet to enjoy an EU summer.

It’s fricken stunning!

The color of the water in Croatia is like nothing you’ve seen before.

Not to mention, the food and price of living are additionally really cheap.

Hvar, Dubrovnik, and Split are popular choices, however, there also are another 48 inhabited islands that you simply can sail to.

It’s another bonus that the encompassing beauties offer a lot of activities for those traveling on a budget and anting to remain occupied.

Cliff jumping may be a popular choice, also as enjoying an area (and super cheap) beer during a cliff bar.

4.0 THAILAND :

Thailand (and Indonesia…but I won’t go there this time) is that the obvious choice for insane beaches and affordability.

Hanging around Thailand also acts as a gateway for having the ability to explore all the opposite places the country has got to offer.

As for island getaways, Ko Tao Ko Pha-ngan, Bond and Ko Phi Phi are obvious choices.

I recently spent fortnight exploring Ko Samui by moped and may vouch that it’s virtually impossible to not stumble across some kind of hidden beach.

I spent virtually nothing for the 2 weeks I used to be there, with breakfast included in my accommodation and lunch and dinner averaging AU$3 each.

5.0 LAGOS, PORTUGAL :

There’s a reason a bucket filled with Aussies have migrated to Lagos and it’s surrounding areas.

It’s cheap (the cheapest beer I’ve ever had) and stunning.

You can spend your day's beach hopping, which is separated by huge cliffs.

My accommodation included a restaurant breakfast, we had a picnic for lunch on the beach and ate local for dinner.

On average, our daily spending was around AU$10.

FYI, the key to an inexpensive meal in Lagos is to steer beyond the most center.

5 SERIOUSLY CHEAP ACCOMMODATION WEBSITES TO BOOK YOUR NEXT HOLIDAY :

1.0 AIRBNB Airbnb is ideal for those planning a visit, particularly due to the range of accommodation options that it offers.

You have the choice of renting a personal room and staying with an area, to renting an entire apartment or house.

Depending on what sort of accommodation you’re trying to find and where the costs vary. However, generally, this may be my first place to seem when booking accommodation.

I recently spent every week during a 4 villa private estate with a pool and kitchen for $1400 and this slept, 8 folks. I ain’t no mathematician but this involves but $200 per person for an entire week of luxe living.

Airbnb also offers camping options or really groovy accommodation options, like staying during a houseboat on the canals of Amsterdam.

I recommend searching supported your destination then altering the amenities options and tag.

Then, I might use the map to dictate the overall area you would like to be staying in and zone in on the properties around that.

If you’ve never stayed in an Airbnb, read here to find out the low-down etiquette.

2.0 BOOKING.COM I am a longtime fan of Booking.com and have booked the majority of my longterm trips with them.

They have a more extensive range of properties on offer in each City than other booking sites do.

I always begin by searching for my destination and sorting prices from low to high.

Booking.com is especially my favorite to use in Southeast Asia, with accommodation options often starting as low as AU$4 an evening.

Also, most of the properties on Booking.com leave free cancellation up until a brief time before your trip.

3.0 AGODA Agoda can spit out some seriously cheap options.

I always ensure I check Agoda also as Booking.com, as Agoda often has the underdog properties that aren’t listed on Booking.com.

Agoda also comes through with the accommodation that I’ve seen for fewer than AU$15 an evening in some places.

Get your investigating pants on and obtain traveling sista!

4.0 KAYAK Kayak is that the final website I’ll sign up my bargain accommodation mission.

Kayak may be a travel program that scours the web for your cheapest possible accommodation option.

It searches through Booking.com, Expedia, Hotels.com and Trip Advisor.

I usually find accommodation within the above three options, however, Kayak is usually a fast search I’ll do to make sure I'm getting the simplest possible price and option.

Although it isn’t my first option, I happened to book an all-inclusive trip to Phuket on Expedia for a terrifyingly cheap price.

Therefore Kayak is worth a squiz, as it’s scouring through all other competitors.

5.0 COUCHSURFING For me, travel may be a lot about exploring and becoming apart of communities.

This is why Airbnb is at the highest of this list. They get my budget tick of approval but it also allows the foremost opportunity to actually immerse yourself during a new culture.

This is equivalent to Couchsurfing.

Oh, and therefore the accommodation is free.

The whole way this works is that you simply join the web community and apply to remain on a host's couch/spare bed free of charge.

The whole system aims to unite people and meet other travelers.

You may be thinking that this is often heckin’ wild which safety may be a concern.

Couchsurfing has been running for the past 20 years and has comprehensive methods that need hosts to urge verified.

I encourage you to exercise ample safety altogether aspects of your travel.

However, this is often a very popular option for backpackers and budget travelers.

[ridewindingrivers]

Reading old journal entries is such a goddamn mind fuck at times. Other times I sob at the beauty of how happy I felt with every component of my life and how much has changed. I’m going to put this out into the void because it’s helping me to think and remember aspects of life and figure out what the fuck is happening right now (and what I want). Read if you like, it’s a lot to handle, and a very long text post. Sorry, I just needed to time warp and figure out where things went south. You might be upset I put this out there, and it might make your feelings more complicated, but I need this.

Fucking hell, from a post in December 2014, “I really just got to thinking how much I enjoy his company, him as a person; and recognized my yearning for the trail and that I don’t want anyone else by my side except him. Making me laugh, giving me encouragement, teaching my new ways to live outdoors, and sharing the vast wilderness craving with. ... It’s a bonding, friendly, sexing, tender, safe, calming, steady, engaging love. A deeper love.”

That time that Nana caught me snacking in the kitchen and talked to me about how she and Nanu don’t remember too much anymore (this was back in 2014). She sat at the table, put all my rings on, and laughed with me.

The time Dr. R got cancer and we paddled an entire river system together. He is cancer free.

Those times where we buckle down and get shit done. When my ambition is through the roof to the point of being unrealistic and then I’m brought back down to the ground.

Working through hurdles and understanding how to effectively communicate emotions - frustrations, gratitude. Realizing that love can be like that sometimes.

Moving into 2015...

The Duluth trip during spring break - in all its snowy, falling in a ditch, glory.

When I finally came to terms with all the bullshit with my dad. And cried about it at a bar with my best friend. Then drank beers together about it. Thanks L. I remember exactly where we sat, our orientation, and how raw that moment was.

“I crave him and as much as it scares me, it’s so goddamn exciting to have found something so wonderful to share with a very special person.” 

When Dr. Graves approached me at Science on Tap and told me that I have to do what is best for my growth as a scientist and continue to learn from other people.

The Michigan Entomological Society meeting and the Natural History workshops in Maine. <3 There are some good citations in here from the meeting... ooo

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 HUDSON BAY ADVENTURE <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

The flowers and fabulous welcome home sex.

Coming to realize that what makes me happy is having my own space - we haven’t had our own time or space in what feels like a year. That is a problem. 

The fleas at the friend’s house.

Colorado vacation - visiting RMNP and CSU before GRADUATING and moving out of the UP. The worst decision if I’m bein’ real.

Moving into 2016...

Being crammed in a room together with no way to express ourselves or DO OUR OWN THING. “Ever since we moved here, I feel we have been out of sync. One thing the summer and this past fall has taught us is that had it MADE when we were living at the Longyear apartment.” - still tru; maybe this is where things started to unravel....

The breakdown. The struggle to find employment.

“I’m tired of feeling anxious for the next step. Tired of feeling like “we have to get through this.”

“I feel discarded and tossed to the sharks.”

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Meerakat came into our lives  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

“Feeling crappy about my body.”

“Since we started at this job, we haven’t had time to do much of anything we enjoy and I think that caused us to feeling a little disconnected from who we are as individuals and to some extent - a couple.”

When my coworkers gave me a goodbye card. <3

I was awarded Honorable Mention for the NSF Graduate Research Fellowship Program. 

I tipped the kayak...

Birding, naturalizing out at Otis and the morel feast we had.

“We both have different  ways of dealing with leaving and it’s causing us to clash. I’m having mild doubts but I hope it’s just in my head. I feel bad for pursuing this. I’m trying to be encouraging and show some cool things, but it doesn’t feel like it helps or makes a difference.” Here. Red flag. Past me, why didn’t you listen? Your sense of adventure was going strong.

Planting potatoes, pulling garlic mustard, and going to the Polar Bear with Nanu and Nana.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Feeling like I don’t fit in at home and how I shouldn’t be a part of the family. I thought we built our own little family.

“I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and it’s affecting our relationship.” Working on this one - it’s time.

The Dune Saloon and all it’s tasty beers and whitefish-ness. 

Floatin’ down the Boise Riva!

“Peak homesickness has struck.” But we drove to Oregon and had a fan-fucking-tastic time.

“I’m so thankful he is here.”

Planning to thru the AT. - Still an ambition. Or at least a long trail. All the long trails!

2017...

When McNair sent me packages to my apartment in Boise. <3 I felt so loved.

My frustrations with the people in the department and their fuckin’ egos.

“Today was: the last day of my first year of graduate school, stressful, annoying, aggravating, distracting.” 

“I would rather do small scale projects if I was more into them. If I thought of them myself.”

Ha, my feminine product usage data. A++!

Frontier Ruckus at the Neurolux for our anniversary.

Our butterfly collection outings in the foothills and mountains.

Biking to Harris Ranch and Lucky Peak.

Sunset Mountain.

“There were lots of butterflies out and I really wanted to chase them and have fun out there, but I felt bad doing that. I feel bad being me sometimes.” -The signs of an unhealthy relationship with your advisor...or inappropriate enthusiasm. 

“I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I’m in a heavy depression, feel guilty for bringing him out here and away from home, feel guilty because he could be doing something else. I feel so bad all of the time and it fucking sucks. I want him to be happy and then I can be happy. Fuck. I hope all of this pays off in the end...”

Going to Michigan was a disaster.

“I have an uncontrollable desire to use this feeling of unhappiness and discomfort to motivate me to finish sooner. Do my shit and get on with my life.”

The note you wrote me on our three year anniversary that made “my heart tingle.” “I love falling asleep next to you, warm and safe, and I love waking up with you by my side. I cherish everyday with you because I never knew it could be this good. You are my soulmate, you’re my one and only.” What happened to this feeling? All I ever did was love you for you and love only you. I saved every single note you ever wrote to me. They are reminders of your strong, consistent love.

All of the lizards I would see out in the desert.

“I got angry drunk. I never get angry drunk. I legitimately think that being out here and unhappy has and is changing my attitude and body chemistry.”

“I decided to drop out of graduate school. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.”

Sawtooths, pronghorn, Bar Garnika, and Box Lake.

“I’m fricken pumped and ready to move back.”

When we drove through a storm that was literally pouring buckets in the Subaru with everything we own. Little Meera did so well.

Backpacking PIRO. Didn’t have the romantic appeal I was going for when I proposed the idea, but still a grand time none the less.

Superior Hiking Trail with Laurel and Coops <3

2018...

“I need to find a sense of self and figure out some kind of purpose. He leaves for camp in two months and I will be here alone. I have become disconnected from me and that makes me sad.” I think this is a result of no alone time to just be in stillness, like we had before.

A note from February, “Let’s continue those traditions together. Let’s do it all together. Let’s keep climbing mountains together, let’s keep walking trails. Let’s keep swimming in lakes, let’s keep skipping rocks. Let’s keep the wonder alive. Let’s do it all together.” - somehow I feel like I have let you down. I want to do all of these things together. “The future is daunting, sometimes the path is unclear. But if we hold on tight, we’ll hold each other together. And that is what gives me strength to face the future. You and me, me and you, US TOGETHER (with little Meera). Emily, I love you with everything I’ve got. We can face whatever comes our way. We are strong, a top tier red belt power couple.” Your words. Does this still mean anything? What happened between then and now? I know your job is tough, I know how much you love freedom. I’m happy you are free now and able to experiment and figure things out. But what about all of these words and memories? Surely that can’t be erased or forgotten because of one month apart or a cute new face to talk to. 

I’m hurt, confused, lonely, surrounded by literally everything that reminds me of you and thinking about forgetting our past HURTS! I don’t want to! I want a future with you. You’re my guy and I support you through everything. Even this decision, which I totally understand. I hope you manage to figure out your thoughts and feelings.

“My head is spinning.”

[phoebemartellcrawford-blog]

welp

These past two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. Between schoolwork, field trips, time with friends and family, the semester is quickly coming to an end and I don’t know how prepared I am for it. The 16th was the night of the boat party as well as the start of our last module which has so far been incredibly interesting. We didn’t have class on Tuesday the 17th, then had our first real class with our real professor the 18th then went on a field trip on the 19th.

We went to two farms and El Junco (the fresh water lake on San Cristobal) for our field trip. The first farm looked like more of a producer than the second and less like it was for tourism. We learned about the production of crops there, the use of other species to help grow their crops and a number of other things from the farmer. His main concern with the way farming on the island is going is that the locals will become far too dependent on mainland exports and won’t need to use the farms as much. People here need to eat, and in my opinion there is less degradation to the environment if the bond between the community and farmers grows and people start becoming less dependent on mainland. On our way to the second farm we stopped by El Junco and walked around the lake a bit. It was windy and beautiful and nice to be able to visit that again because the only time I had gone was the first weekend with my host family and I didn’t even know what the lake was. The second farm was clearly more focused on agrotourism with the beautiful waterfalls and hammocks and restaurant and ping pong. It overlooked the ocean and was incredibly peaceful. The farmer told us about how the land had been in his family for the past century and all these new regulations set in place by the National Park often destroy the farms and ways of life for the people. It was an interesting perspective because all my other classes focus on the environment over the people.

On Friday of that week I chilled on the beach out front the university and helped with a proposal! These girls were here for their friends 30th birthday and we were talking to them a little bit about why they were here. Then one of the girls came over and asked us to video tape because the token male that was with them was going to propose to the birthday girl. Three of her friends put on shirts one that said “will” one that said “you” and one that said “marry” and then the guy knelt behind the birthday girl with a shirt that said “me.” It was super cute and I was glad to be a part of it! After the proposal, we left for La Loberia to watch the sunset on the cliffs. Then I went to Muyu for dinner and had a nice chill night.

That Saturday I went camping and it was a MUCH MORE PLEASANT experience than my last camping trip. I was with Anna, May, Arianna, Avery, Millie, Mikaela, Madi and Zion. We got to Puerto Chino around 2, hung out on the beach, went and hung out on the cliffs then made dinner on a grill. We underestimated how difficult it would be to start a fire on the grill but we FINALLY got it. Mostly thanks to Anna. We ate a delicious potato/veggie dinner and then hung out, watched the stars, played games and I slept in my hammock. We woke up early for the sunrise but it was too cloudy to see it. When we went back to the school there was a volleyball tournament and other games with our families and kids at the university.

Last week I pretty much just had class and then did work  and laid on the beach which is definitely nothing to be complaining about. I’m trying to get my tan nice and deep before I leave. On Friday night there was karaoke night with the university and it was so fun just being idiots and dancing and singing shamelessly. Saturday we went on a fishing tour!

We got to go to Kicker Rock again where I saw more sharks but unfortunately no hammer head :(. Still awesome though!!! Then we went to a huge lava field and walked around and could see how the lava formed into land. We went in some lava tunnels and talked about how they were formed. Pretty neat. Then we went snorkeling in some mangroves which was beautiful but we didn’t really see much. After that we went fishing but didn’t catch a single fish. Then we went to Five Fingers!!! It was pretty awesome.

Sunday (as in yesterday) our program put on a yard sale and I was able to sell some of my clothes. Cool.

Today I am trying to get as much work done as possible so I can enjoy my last couple days. Its so crazy how soon I’m leaving and how fast this semester has gone. I feel like I’ve grown so much as a person and want to keep this growth going. I already know how annoying I’m going to be when I get back and when I get pale and when I’m cold in 65 degree weather, but I hope I can take everything I learned here back with me, because I’ve learned a lot.

We leave on Friday and I am having such weird feelings. I don’t want to leave at all, I fricken love it here. But I am ready to see my parents and my dogs. I’m also traveling after for 2.5 weeks with Rowan in Ecuador soooo that’ll be pretty dope.

[lifedefused]

New Post has been published on Life Defused

New Post has been published on http://lifedefused.com/week-4-on-the-camino/

Week 4 on the Camino

Day 22: I walked like mad today. Anger is a catalyst for change. At least for me and it has been that way my entire life. Probably why I am prone to it. If I am going to walk 2 more weeks, I need to enjoy my time and change my mindset. Sure my body hurts and my feet pretty much hate me. I don’t have anything wrong that keeps me from walking. So that is what I did today. Mad at the world, sick of playing victim so I walked with purpose. Guess what? I caught up to Eric and Ramon even though they started 3 miles ahead at the same time. I had no idea I would see them and I sent them a text saying turn around. It was a beautiful reunion. We met Philipp for lunch and the bond is amazing. Ended up we all stayed together in the same place. Wolfpack is back, at least for today. Ramon is injured from doing such a long distance yesterday. A bothered knee and a fever. He got the job done though and made it. Today after arriving, I forced myself to shower and socialize. Something I have struggled to do because I mostly want to lay in bed and rest. So glad I did. I met 2 lovely Canadian ladies Susan and Ashley- Aunt/ Niece. We got deep into conversations about life, if the world was getting better/worse, the Camino experience and so much more. Everyone joined in at dinner with great insights. Eric is always full of the best. He talked about a metaphor of life being an onion and how these layers are put onto you but his journey has been about finding the core. Today was the first day I truly enjoyed the experience. I am determined to appreciate my time here and today I was on a mission and accomplished that. I think it is true, life is a Camino. I am here to embrace that philosophy. Distance: 16.7 Time: 6 hours Money spent: 30 euro

Day 23: Today I started out thinking I would do a short distance. As I went I thought about things. The symbolic location called Cruz de Ferro where you throw a stone to represent life’s burdens being cast aside. It was a short distance from where I planned to stop. As I walked, I felt it was perfect that 6 years to the date of Sean’s suicide that I go to this place. I told Matty of my plan and he said I should go and that even with the chance of bad weather, that maybe I was meant to struggle. So I communicated this to the wolfpack and I walked on. Even had to change shoes due to the mud and snow. Matty also informed me of his support and that he would let me be but if I should need anything, he would be available. He then told me that he understood that today was my day with Sean. The tears flooded and I walked alone and listened to my playlist of music that reminds me of Sean. When I arrived, I went and sat on the hill of rocks and cried and cried and cried. I cried for myself, for those that I was carrying burdens for, and for the burdens left there from others. Philipp arrived after me and he spent his time then he put his hand on my shoulder in comfort. I pulled him in for an embrace and we sat there crying for awhile. He then asked if I wanted to stay and I did. I had not even thrown my rocks. I had family send me rocks to represent these burdens. Ramon came and hugged me and kissed my head multiple times. I continued sitting there just crying. Eventually after about 20 mins I pulled out the rocks. I examined them and thought about the meanings and relevance. When ready, I started throwing them one by one. I saw Eric off to the side just taking it all in. I finally was down to 2 rocks when I stood up and placed them at the top. These 2 rocks represented strength and deserved the highest point. I then proceeded down the hill of rocks to where Philipp and Ramon were located and we embraced thanking each other for the love, support, and company during the journey. We all took a turn playing a song that meant so much. My song was, I’ll think of You- by We are Messangers. Eric took his turn on the hill and made his way to us. As he approached, I said it is time for a group hug and we all went to him, embraced and cried some more. It was very emotional for all of us in many ways and for different reasons. We left our make and headed off. Shortly after we left, it started to rain and sleet. There was a dog and after the story of the people being bit, I told Ramon to get his stick. He attempted to yell off the dog but it continued to follow. I was freaking out so he called the dog over. It wagged it’s tell and started to cry. I think it too was not enjoying the storm. After about a mile, we came across a shack. We went in for a break from the rain. We were invited in to a place with no electricity or running water. We were offered tea/coffee and cookies. We sat in by the fire and warmed ourselves. One of the guys were Brazilian so Ramon and him had great conversation, or it seemed that way. With water leaking through the roof onto the floor next to me, I couldn’t help but feel blessed. Here these guys had opened the home and taken us in to get out of the cold and rain. Even without speaking the language, the time was magical. We eventually bundled up and headed off in the rain, cold, sleet, snow, and walked. Knowing we had a couple hours of walking left, we embraced ourselves with the reality of the journey. After walking in the horrible weather for 1 1/2 hours, I rounded the road and saw the most beautiful blue skies ahead. It was hope and my face lit up. I stood there in the rain, cold, shaking and tears welled up in my eyes yet again. It was a great view and a symbolic meaning to the day that there was light and hope in the hardest moments. The bad things were left behind and there were blue skies and sunshine ahead. Although we were all walking our own pace, we joined in that moment and finished the walk to the village together. We found a beautiful hostel and topped the evening of with a steak and shrimp meal. The day could not have been more perfect and energizing. So many people reached out to me today. I am truly alive and feel the love and support during this journey. I hope that today you too have a chance to celebrate life. It is due to Sean’s death that April 13th I chose to celebrate life. I am thankful for the opportunity of this journey and the way to self discovery. My heart is full and if you are reading this, know you are loved by me. XO Distance: 22.9 Time: 8+ hours Money spent: 37 euro

Day 24: Today was a standard day. We walked, and walked, and walked or so it felt…. The morning views started out beautiful because we went down the mountain. Since we went so far yesterday, today was a bit hard. My body still hates me. My Achilles loves to give me fits when it gets tired, making it hard to walk. Got the job done though. Philipp and Ramon are with me but Eric went on. Getting closer to the end….. Distance: 19.23 Time: 7.5 Money spent: 42

Day 25: Today I woke up with energy to walk. When I got up around 7 Philipp asked me why I was getting going and told me I should lay down and relax a bit more. I think day by day things are looking up. The weather has been great the last few days too which has helped me in enjoying the walks. After one of our stops, we went the wrong way and had to turn back. Ramon and I ended up not seeing Philipp the rest of the day. He is in the next village over from where we stopped for the night. When we first arrived, the alburgue was so cold. I showered and laid under the blankets for a few hours. Even ended up taking a 1 hour nap. When I woke up, I called a friend from school. That really helped boost my mood and subsided the frustrations I am experiencing in my doctorate program. Ramon and I went to dinner with a Dutch couple. The guy reminds me of my Grandpa Beale. Anyway, uneventful day which right now is the best type. I think we are about a week away from the finish line. As you can see from the photo, we have under 200km to go, if we don’t make the wrong turns of course. PS- due to the snoring I am currently experiencing in the room, I thought I would add that I have learned to embrace ear plugs. They are better than shit sleep due to the snorchestra

Distance: 16.53 Time: 6.5 Money: 27

Day 26: I conquered the last mountain on this journey today! So the morning started with pancakes with Ramon. First time I have seen this on the Camino. It was a Russian couple who owned the place and the breakfast was perfect for a big day up hill. After this, Ramon went on ahead. I spent the rest of the morning playing leapfrog with some Spanish guys. Eventually, as I walked by them enjoying a beer, they invited me over and bought me a beer. They didn’t speak English and I dont speak Spanish. The experience was worth it even if I didn’t understand. We tried to communicate but the best thing exchanged was the sound of laughter. Just what I needed for the push to the top. Once at the top there was snow! After my last battle with the snow, I got nervous. I am much stronger now and the hike today was amazing on so many levels. I felt a great sense of accomplishment and pride knowing I have made it this far. The path should be easier moving forward and I have some extra time so I plan to slow it down and enjoy the last bit at my pace. I am again on my own as the guys are ahead and since I want to slow down, it is not likely I will catch back up to them. The place I am staying tonight has no restaurant in the village. So, bye bye beans. The story of the beans is I bought them in a week ago. I have tried many times to leave them and the guys would grab them and give them back to me in the next village saying I lost them. The beans are a joke now and I quit leaving them and have been lugging them around. Even brought them up the fricken mountain. Tonight was a perfect time to use the suckers. I will have them again in the AM for breakfast UK style. It is 7:30pm and I am already in bed. Tomorrow will be a short day with great weather. They say there are 3 phases: physical, emotional, and spiritual. I am through the physical and emotional- I think… so we will see what the next week holds. Crossing my fingers that we get to keep the nice weather. Distance: 15.27 miles Time: 6 hours Money: 33 euro

Day 27: I woke up and cooked the left overs of eggs, beans, bread, and cheese. I left a bit later than usual knowing I had a short distance for the day. Still alone as the wolfpack has moved far ahead. I got lost! I was caught up in frustration with Matty since we were texting and I didn’t make a turn. I walked a few miles out of my way due to this mistake. Ugh… so much for a short distance day. I called him up mad that he had distracted me and I got off the path. Blame game. Matty was diagnosed with ADHD recently and I have some resentment and hard feelings about this. I think mostly because I asked him 4 years ago to go see someone and he didn’t. So for 4 years I have blamed myself for some issues in our relationship that I feel would have been smoothed over had he done this. Last year in November he called me while I was on my way to see my family, he was upset and needed me. I told him I can’t. I can’t deal with his needs and mine and told him that he needed to go see someone immediately. He did and this diagnoses is the result. Anger is what I feel about it. Getting lost today was a symbol of how I feel in life sometimes. I was on a path for myself and got easily distracted and got lost. Sometimes I put so much energy into other people, I forget about myself for a bit. Then something happens that makes me realize I have given too much and I get resentful. It is an expectation I have and definitely a huge flaw I deal with because it usually ends in disappointment for me. I set myself up and it is something I am actively working on.

However, I got back on track and found a beer. While sitting there, I saw some people that I had not seen in a few days. One of them got sick after the climb so he caught a taxi. I walked on to the next village and again stopped to enjoy lunch and the views coming down the mountain. I took my time today and even sat on a rock to just take it in. I called Matty later and found I was still really bitter. He had to go to work and I entered the village I would be staying. Upon arrival, I found a beautiful alburgue. I did my usual chores and while doing laundry I met a lady from Colombia. Since I went there in 2013 I was so excited. She offered me their leftovers she had cooked for her and her husband. Along with wine. Bonus! It is this that reminds me and humbles me after a tough emotional day. Put it in the fridge for later. Continued my nice chat with the couple who now live in Switzerland. Then decided to work on school. Had a nice leftover Italian dinner alone. I need the time alone at this point to just sort through all that is going on. Job rejection. Life choices. School frustrations. Aging parents. Anger issues. & Relationship trouble.

I find that the Camino has a way of making sure you are living in the moment. Finding meaning in the challenges and reminding myself about the joy amidst the pain, that is what this is about. One foot in front of another in this path and in life. Great adventures await and I am reminded to embrace and appreciate the journey.

Distance:15.45 miles Time: 8 hours Money: 20 euro

Day 28: First day without the meds. I didn’t have to take anything today for pain which is a first. Unless beer counts? My first dark beer on the Camino though! Today the views and weather were amazing. Even getting some sun and color on my face. My body is functioning. All is good. Still without the wolfpack but I have come to terms with the thought that I won’t see them till the finish line. I found the sticker that said “Don’t mess with Texas”. Philipp sent pics of mess with Texas because someone took the don’t off and put it somewhere else which he also sent a pic of. Matty signed the contract for next year so it is official we will be in Europe another year. We hope to move to Asia next year. 🤞 The Camino will start getting busier because I just passed the town where people can start and still get a certificate. I had dinner with 3 Italians, a German, and a Canadian. We laughed so much. Especially when one of the Italians asked the Canadian if she eats beaver. 🤨 At the end of the night I met a Canadian who was passing through and stopped for dinner. He was a police officer and quit 3 weeks ago and walked the Camino. He had me cut the badge of his pack and he worked for the Royal Police for 30+ years. My grandparents have the best story of when I traveled with them to Canada and was so shy when my granny wanted me to take a pic with them. They loved that story because they had never seen me so shy in my life. The badge means a lot and to cut it off the bag makes it more special. Today was a good day and at the end of the day…. Love wins Distance: 15.63 miles Time: 8 hours Money: 33 euro