#which is why id struggle so hard to answer any relationship questions abt them beCAUSE

[anbaisai]

me drawing things that have nothing to do with how i imagine their actual canon timeline means that not a single person is going to believe me when i say jamimayu aren't actually dating in my canon🧍‍♂️

[izzy-b-hands]

Cancelled the in person interview for today after discussing phone interview with Mum and Housemate last night (and the numerous red flags and cost of the lyft there and back for a job that ultimately the place wouldn't be able to convince me to take if offered, bc the general consensus was 'this is literally likely to be as bad as the current job BUT with the added cost of lyfts back and forth that they wouldn't be paying enough to offset, why on earth would you (me) take this job lmaooooo')

Which works out good bc the ongoing Mum trauma stuff is hitting hard as soon as I've woken and maybe I can get the Big Cry out today. Or write down any of the memories that have been playing on repeat in my mind

(with all this said, yes, I still asked and do legitimately care abt my mum's opinion and experience with jobs despite this; yes it feels weird; no I don't know how healthy that is or not lmao but I'm gonna lean towards Not Healthy bc im discovering that the work my previous doc did certainly uncovered this codependency and trauma which absolutely was a great help but like...we didn't actually really untangle any of it so I could try and untangle myself from my mum, even from 1600+ miles from one another. So. probably not healthy.)

[decalexas]

I'll try again😊 recap: basically,when i was a kid,I had like 0 interest in guys,and it scared the fuck out of my(super conservative/republican)parents. Around 11th grade I kissed a girl and it was like 🎆whao but kept quiet bc my shit fam then (1/3)

Then I looked back and was like!!But now im rly struggling w/identifying,like straight?Bi?Gay?sometimes I interact w/men and just,question if I’m a lesbian or not?but other times I’m like lmao no,but idk if its the concept of men that I like or(2/?)

I feel fake and it’s been fkn bothering me bc I don’t want to publically come out bc then if I change my mind..!!So ig wht I want to know is, did u always know u were into girls?And if not how did u confirm this w/ urself?And does it get better?(3/3)

Looks like it all got through this time!

To answer your question: No, I didn’t always know that I was into girls. Whn I look back now I see a lot of signs that I liked girls (When I was a kid I always wanted to on day have a (girl!!) Best Friend But Better Than That; when my friends had crushes and were talking about them I would pick on guy who didn’t totally suck at school and he was My Crush because I figured I needed one too; I used to draw girls kissing, from the time I was like, 15-16 onward I was increasingly drawn to media with wlw….) but it wasn’t something I was able to like, recognize and admit to myself until about a year ago. 

Tho like my Realization was a long tim coming; Throughout the yr lading up to thaaaat I had started to realize I didn’t like boys but I didn’t come to the conclusion that I actually liked women. When I finally figured it out it was a pretty internal process; I was thinking about how I was starting to feel like I wanted a romantic relationship (something I hadn’t really cared about ever as a teen, and that made me think about who I wanted a relationship with, and I kinda had to admit to myself that I would only want a relationship like that with another girl.

Anyway, I can’t tell you how you should identify or exactly what this or that means, but for me, coming to terms with my sexuality and how I identify was a lot of WORK bc I got hit hard with the Compulsory Heterosexuality. 

I remember a lot of figuring out how I felt about men came down to asking myself things like, what am I seeking from men when I interact with them, and why? For example, I want men to think I’m pretty or attractive but is it because that’s what I rlly want from them on a person to person lvl, or is it bc I want the approval (esp as a woman in a society in which a huge portion of female ‘value’ is derived from our relationships [good or bad] with men)? (For me, it was more abt approval or validation than any actual basis for attraction.) 

 It also helped to try to make abstract ideas more concrete: for example, at the time, I was fine with men in theory. There are men out there I find handsome. There are men out there who I think are hot! But I kind of realized that even tho there are SOME I find attractive, I’m not actually attracted to them. I don’t think I could share a deep, intimate relationship with a man. I wouldn’t want a sexual one with a man.  

Also, I feel like I had to do a Lot of Retraining. For example, I used to reflexively check guys out bc I learned (implicitly, not through any blatant teachings. this prob goes back to those ‘Crushes’ in elementary school) that it was what I should do, so it’s what I did. When I started checking girls out, it felt awkward and almost forced, bc I had been ignoring (or just plain unaware of) that aspect of myself for so long. (Now it feels totally natural! Girls are beautiful and hot! I love them!) Similarly, I spent my whole life learning that the deepest relationship a woman can have is with a man, and even tho I have always felt more emotionally connected to women in my friendships and family relationships and strong believed in the power of female friendships, it was rlly rlly hard for me to start to believe that two women could share a relationship as deep and intimate and emotional and passionate as those between str8 couples (or even more so!) (part of this is bc imo female emotions are only seen as legitimate when performed for the sake of men…) Anyway, now I feel completely differently.

ANYWAY This got long but this was my experience, and it was all based on v internal processes and awareness and asking myself intentional questions; you might not benefit from such an introspective approach–but you also might! 

Most importantly tho take your time and try to be compassionate with yourself. No one has the right to label you except you. and it might take time. (I went from ‘straight’ –> maybe not straight? –> maybe i’m ace? –> i’m not str8 but idk what is happening –> i… like….. girls…. [but can’t say ‘lesbian’ yet bcos that’s scary!!] –> i’m a lesbian!!!!!!!)

 I understand not wanting to come out until you’re suuuuuuure, but I hope you have ppl around you who will understand and support you. if you ID as bi and then realize you’re a lesbian, that’s fine! if you ID as a lesbian and realize you’re bi, that’s fine too!! You don’t need to feel like you’re faking it, you’re just evolving toward your own truth and that takes time and is confusing! (and don’t think abt coming out publicly yet, maybe think small. like if you have a friend you can trust, start there when you’re ready. baaaaaaby steps are fine.)