#which is that story i've been mentally working on ever since i was in elementary school. yknow? everyones got one of those right

[pagesofkenna]

I think I may have already posted about this, but I went through all my digital files a while back to see what I could find of my old NaNoWriMo projects, and theres two books completely missing and one I can only find half of

and I know that this isn't how the human brain works but it feels like all of the projects I have full files of, I can remember. If not all the details then at least the main gist of how those stories went. but the files that are missing digitally feel like they're also missing from my brain. I remember writing them but I do not remember what happens in them

[yarameijer]

SO I HAVE A BRAINROT - I'm just gonna share my thoughts here with you because, well, why not? Yara, you've become a safe place of mine and generally, make me feel so entertained and content with your writing especially since the pandemic🥹 I hope you're doing well there, and I hope you'll feel better soon!

But anyway, onto the brainrot: What if Tenma has ADHD? How would the story go? How would Raimon and his friends react to this? How will they deal with it? Or how will Tenma deal with it?

I imagine that could be the reason why he can be impulsive (I've searched that impulsiveness can be a main sign or symptom of ADHD, but to those who has ADHD, please feel free to correct me, I don't mean to offend anyone.).

I also imagine that Tenma can be forgetful at times and thus would forget to drink his medication and his friends would be the ones to remind him just in case. Speaking of, I feel like he'd either have a hard time focusing in class or unable to sit still during class. Either of them works in this AU, I guess?

That's all, I'd love to hear your thoughts and your personal headcanons about this AU! Have a great day and once again, praying for your recovery!

Hey!! Sorry for the incredibly late reply, I just sort of dropped tumblr without meaning to. And every time I opened it I ended up procrastinating even more… whoops.

But! I’m here now! So let’s get to it!

(Tenma with ADHD is honestly not something I have considered before. Please understand that all my experience with it is from having classmates in elementary school with ADHD and research I did online to answer this, so it might not all be accurate, but I’ll try my best!)

Tenma is already a very active and excitable kid, which means that when it comes to soccer, not overly much changes? It’s a great way to burn off energy and move around a lot, which is really helpful for him! The way his ADHD shows mostly is through the way he moves; he’s constantly fidgeting, or playing with things he’s holding, or bouncing his knee up and down. He just can’t seem to sit still for longer than a few minutes, which, again, when it comes to soccer, doesn’t matter overly much. Outside of training and matches, however, especially during team discussions or strategy meetings, it can get distracting and even cause tension especially in the early weeks of the schoolyear.

One noteworthy thing is that Tenma rambles, without really meaning to. He’s already got some insecurity issues, and that coupled with a hyperactivity disorder means he’s likely to just ramble on especially when he feels unsure or excited (AKA whenever he talks about soccer). It doesn’t do much to endear him to the more reserved members on the team, and it’s a habit he’s very bothered by.

Unfortunately Japan is not as supportive towards people with mental disorders as other countries, which in this case means that although Tenma has an official diagnosis, he prefers to keep it quiet. On the team, Aoi is the only one who is aware of this, and has been a genuine blessing to Tenma ever since elementary school. While Tenma mostly suffers from the hyperactivity part of ADHD, he can have trouble focusing, or rather be too active to really sit down and focus on for example studying. Aoi and Tenma were not in the same class before, but they were in the same year and she would offer her notes and extra tutoring whenever Tenma needed, and by the time they join Raimon Jr. High, it’s become an unspoken routine. Tenma and Aoi hang out more often than they do in the original story; they’ve got a few set homework sessions every week at one of their houses, and usually spend at least some time every week studying in the library.

Their little study sessions are quickly joined by Shinsuke, and later on the rest of the first-years, although neither Tenma nor Aoi ever mention the reasons they started them. Aoi is very defensive of anyone making a comment about Tenma’s attitude towards schoolwork (which is thankfully not often necessary amongst the team, beyond a few mishaps at the start) but also very strict towards Tenma if need be.

I imagine the older students sometimes help out with schoolwork as well, although not always towards Tenma specifically but rather just the first-years. Shindou and Kirino at some point figure out Tenma’s got ADHD, and Shindou at some point mentions it privately. Tenma freaks out a bit, but Shindou reassures him he doesn’t mind, and is especially helpful when Tenma becomes captain later on, taking on a supportive role.

Despite the tension at the start of the year, eventually that fades as the team gets to know each other better. Shindou tends to be a bit of a crybaby (but don’t mention that on pain of death). Hayami stutters his way through most of his conversations and once literally screeched in the middle of match because Kariya (no further explanation necessary). Tenma is known to start rambling when he’s excited and once climbed every tree next to Raimon’s soccer field because Aoi said he should (she meant well, but it did get them some weird looks). Hikaru’s way of dealing with intense frustration is to go to a secluded spot and scream until he calms down (boy, was that a fun training camp).

Tenma eventually tells Shinsuke on accident, but Shinsuke doesn’t really care either way and is just happy to hang out with someone who can be just as, or even more, excitable as himself. Tenma doesn’t really tell the rest of the team for a while, though; at some point he does, after they’ve been friends for longer, but to be honest, Raimon being so (unconsciously) supportive has gone a long way with making him feel more confident about himself. Whereas before he wouldn’t mention it because of the stigma, now he doesn’t mention it because it doesn’t seem like anyone on the team really cares? They’re all weird. They’ve all got their little quirks. Tenma having an unexpected obsession with fidget spinners really doesn’t even reach the top 10 of ‘weird’ in their lives.

I hope you enjoyed, and again, apologies for the late response!

[dargiemarif]

Things:

My wall

My apple seeds in the shape of a heart my mom gave to me taped to my wall since I was little

A plushie I don't have

A shirt I kinda have but it's not that long

Me my fursona a genet

My weighted blanket

My bed

ok drawing this was calming cause I was crying all day over two things, ones a friendship thing no one needs to know except me and them and the other is being a shut in loser for my whole life,,

This piece was kinds meant to show that with a tried childlike vibe cause I'm stuck young mentally

I've always been online kind of, like I started being online probably when i was 6..? 7?

I'd watch lps and minecraft videos and stay up late secretly...

Then I got catsim and met my first online friends .. it was in 2016 I think

Skye is one I'm still upset about, I'm still upset I want to find her to know she's ok

My friendgroup then were older than me I'm guessing, and they were real depressed and displayed such by what they would say. I'd try to help and cheer them up but it was scary by some things they'd say. I still love them.. I remember harper and skye and that's about it.. honestly then I did kinda have an identity crisis somehow or someway, I'd pretend to be different people that's embarrassing..sorry catsim friends I'm much happier with being just me now.

I remember me and harper pretending to throw candy at eachother in the game lol??

And skye taught me about thst one egg riddle

And there was the wall, the sink, the hammer

Yea but then there was a catsim glitch going around where you couldn't join multi-player anymore and it happened to me and I was little so I didn't understand I could just.. delete the app and try to find them again which would be better than just waiting everyday and crying for it to work lol.

The first time i harmed myself I was fighting a gorilla boss and my grandma was stressing me out

I got her sharp comb

Whys she have that comb it actually is painful😭

Then I got roblox that year too and met new people in 2018 who some I'm still friends with!! Yippie. Our friendgroup was shakey to say the least lol, there were fights alot that I'd just watch and not say anything. It's silly thinking about it. Uh anywyas yea and then a friend suggested I got discord and made an account in 2019 and then Instagram in idk what year but yea and then it's always been like that m

I find it hard to keep friends because of the way I am

It's hard for me to talk to someone alot and end up not talking to them for some days even though I don't mean anything bad by it I just feel overwhelmed... sorry abt that meow!

My irl friends are cool, they are few though

I've always been a "weird quiet kid" in school with not much friends, in elementary school I had like 3 friends in total counting the one that moved in 1st grade

Whej that friend moved I didn't have any friends so at recess I sat on a bench and watched the other kids play and sometimes pretended to have an imaginary friend lolol

Did I mention my family trauma yea thst happened story for other times tho heheh

But yea the friends I have now are cool but we barely go out and do stuff well atleast with me maybe? I don't go out alot unless it's to school or wherever I'm dragged by by mt family ir to let my dog out and that's about it

I stay indoors and stay in my room

I draw and write sometimes...!!!!!!!!! Obviously

But yea that's what makes me a loser/loner in life but it's whatever I know no different

It's also hard to go out in summer cuz I have a strong hatred for the heat ..... and in fall I'm in school so i don't rlly have time 0_0

Actually frshmen year I got a friend who'd drag me around to places which was the first time ever but sheeeeeeee isn't someone I'd like to be around

Anyways uh j know I'm not the only one with this life so I don't feel too bad but comparing to all my friends I'm kinda just yea idk I'm kinda spacing out

[squad3-sevcase]

I Know Your Heart (1) Pilot | Chicago Fire Fanfic

Summary: Becker Casey and the firefighters of Chicago’s Firehouse 51 deal with dangers of the job, personal relationships, and everyday life in and out of uniform. In the wake of Andrew Darden’s death, loyalties are tested; as tensions rise between Becker, her brother, and the rest of 51, she isn’t sure where the line is drawn.

Warnings: general Chicago Fire warnings apply. Read at your own discretion.

A/N: Repost of part one for my Chicago Fire fanfiction. It will be using some storylines from the show. Edited 14th November 2022.

Taglist: @campingmonkey @fullwattpadmusictree @marvelatthetwilight @deardelicatedamage

Being home was a breath of fresh air for Becker.

It had been a rough month following her return to work after an abrupt Leave of Absence, and upon learning of fellow firefighter and friend, Andy Darden's tragic death. Tensions, she noticed, were at an all-time high between her superior and best friend Kelly Severide ― Rescue Squad leader ― and her brother, Matt Casey. Becker hadn't been permitted to be on duty the day of Andy's death, but the grim faces of her colleagues when she asked after her friend's whereabouts upon the Company's return, told her all she needed to know and more. Kelly tearfully pulled his firefighter aside and informed her of Darden's fate; everything changed after that.

Becker took his death the hardest behind his wife, Heather, and Kelly. The Squad lieutenant and Darden had been best friends since kindergarten, his loss would stick with Kelly for a long time. Becker understands; Andy became a close friend and confidante after she was assigned to 51 upon graduating from the Academy. He showed her the ropes and treated her like another one of the guys while respecting that she was a woman in a male-dominated field, which she appreciated. She realized much later how greatly she missed him when she and Kelly found themselves reminiscing, recounting their favourite memories and sharing stories the other had yet to hear.

She sat at the long wooden table Squad often claimed for their own in the apparatus bay, idly sipping a mug of coffee that had since gone cold. Kelly sat quietly to her right. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, trying her best to relieve the pent-up pressure swimming deep in her gut. Waves of long, honey-blonde hair cascaded over her right shoulder, lazily framing the soft features of her heart-shaped face.

She hummed pensively and turned a page in her book, leaning back in her chair. Concentration evaded her efforts, the words all ran together a half hour ago, blurring before cerulean blue eyes, yet she refused to put it down. She felt antsy; a probationary period of one week was set to assess her mental and emotional status, Kelly's only condition for her official return. Reluctantly, Becker agreed.

“What's on your mind, Mini Casey?” Kelly looked up from his own book when Becker sighed heavily for the fifth time in two minutes.

“The usual, Severide.” And they left it at that.

“Hey, MC, you seen your brother around?” A burly voice called across the bay, and Becker groaned inwardly.

She was used to people thinking she always knew where Lieutenant Casey was or what he got up to. She spent most of her free time split between the two lieutenants. Lately, though, her brother's indifference made it difficult to be around him. Everyone did their best to steer clear. She supposed the same may be said of Kelly Severide, but at least he remained the same with her.

“Nope, sorry.” She turned her attention to Otis handing off his tour for a group of elementary kids to their newest candidate ― Peter Mills, the young man Joe Cruz showed around the station earlier.

“Who wants to try on a helmet?” Becker snorted back a laugh; the kids already sported their own plastic fire-red Station 51 helmets.

To Kelly she said, “Fifty bucks says Mills doesn't last the week without royally embarrassing himself.”

“Fifty?” he confirmed.

“Mmhm.”

“He looks all right, I give him two. Easiest money I've ever made,” he said with a grin, pulling a $50 bill from his wallet. Taking the $50 Becker laid on the table, he tucked it into the back of his book with his, he lost count of how many times they'd done that.

“So this is called a PASS alarm. Now, if a firefighter is totally still for more than 18 seconds, a loud alarm goes off until he moves again,” Mills informed the group. He donned his turnout gear and was demonstrating the various pieces of protective equipment.

“Why?” one of the boys asked.

“Well, if he's hurt or trapped, we'll know where to find him.” He triggered the alarm, and Becker smiled at the children's reactions. Then, he quickly shook the device until it shut off again. “That's loud.” He smiled. “See, this house is special because it has a Rescue Squad. Squad Three serves a big piece of the city. They're experts at water rescue, extraction, pretty much everything.”

Becker nudged Kelly with her shoulder, she saw his failed attempt to hide his smirk at being talked up to the group of eight-year-olds. They had a lot to be proud of, but their egos didn't need more inflating.

“Why aren't you with them?”

“Well, I mean, I plan to be. My father was a member of the Squad years ago.”

Becker was too engrossed in the candidate's explanation to notice when her brother joined the demonstration until his voice sounded from inside the doorway, “Mills, right?” Matt said, interrupting the tour. He gestured toward the table. “Last to show, first to go. That's the Rescue Squad.”

“You Truck guys do such a good job getting everything ready for us, why would we want to take that from you?” Kelly fired back, looking over his shoulder at his fellow lieutenant.

Becker blew a long puff of air out through pursed lips. “Here we go.”

Matt chuckled. “Kids, you should know they make the Rescue helmets extra big to fit their heads inside them.” His eyes briefly met Becker's. “No offence to my sister, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” she sneered.

“There are two types of firefighters,” Kelly continued flatly, “those who are on Squad, and those who wish they were on Squad.”

“Ooh,” mocked Matt.

“Bet I get an application from him by the end of the month,” Kelly challenged as the kids followed Mills for the rest of the tour.

Matt turned to leave. “He wants you, you can have him.”

Becker punched Kelly's shoulder, and he laughed.

“What? What'd I do?”

“This is why Cruz calls us Rescue Squad a-holes.”

As an alarm sounded off, the dispatcher's voice called out over the PA system: Pin-in accident. Columbus Drive bridge. Ambulance 61, Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3, Battalion 25.

Becker was grateful for the change in atmosphere. She crossed the bay in no time, leaving behind the tension between her brother and best friend, quickly slipping into her turnout gear, and climbing aboard 3. Dealing with the fallout between Lieutenants Casey and Severide would just have to wait.

On the ride over, she thought of all the ways her brother had changed. He stopped being her brother and became more of a bully, something she certainly wasn't used to. Everyone processed grief in their own way, she understood that much, but it felt different. She knew Matt blamed Kelly for Andy Darden's accident and blamed him for the death of a friend. But that explained little of his attitude toward her. What had she done to incur her brother's wrath?

“MC, what are we looking at?” the Squad lieutenant asked as they pulled up to the scene of the accident, startling Becker from her thoughts. This they had done a million times before; Becker's ability to quickly take everything in and assess the situation was the reason he begged her to transfer over to Squad. He recognized her as a valuable asset he couldn't afford to lose, and Becker guessed he enjoyed having her on his team even more as a way to stick it to her brother.

Becker and Kelly were off the rig before it came to a complete stop.

“Driver's door on the second vehicle is wedged shut, the rest probably are as well. Seatbelts will likely be jammed. We'll need the Jaws.” She sniffed the air. “Definite fuel leak. We need to get them out of there.”

Their strides were in perfect sync as they rounded the rig to the red car butted up against the rail. Becker surveyed the damage, she could tell as Matt got his hands on the vehicle that extracting the driver from the car would be an ordeal ― the door wouldn't budge, too smashed in from the wreckage. When Matt tried the handle to get the door open, it only confirmed what she told Kelly.

“Ma'am? Can you hear me?” Try as she might, Becker couldn't recall the last time she heard Matt speak with such a calm yet urgent gentleness to his voice. She remembered how good he was at his job, and how much she loved that he was her older brother.

The woman looked up at him, frightened. “My daughter― Madeline? Madeline! My little girl.”

Becker walked around the back of the car to the passenger side. “Get the Jaws!” she called to Kelly, and he gave a curt nod of understanding. She peered in the back passenger window where the little girl sat trapped inside the car. She smiled softly to help ease her fear. “Hey, Madeline. My name's Becker, we're gonna get you out of there.”

She moved out of the way as Gabriela Dawson arrives to take care of Madeline. The smell of fuel was heavy and choking, she heard someone confirm the leak and her heart plummetted in her chest. It wasn't the worst wreckage they'd ever been to, but she knew it was probably the scariest situation for a little girl to be in.

“Casey! Can you assess what we're looking at with the other vehicle?” Matt shouted over the chaos.

With one glance at the damage done, Becker knew the driver of the SUV was thrown from the car. She rushed to the railing and peered over the side. “Mouch! He's in the river!”

“Are you positive?” he questioned, not for lack of belief in Becker but for confirmation.

“Positive.” She pointed to the front of the vehicle. The windscreen was busted through from the inside, and the driver's seat was left vacant.

Mouch rounded the car and peered inside. His face paled. “Oh sh― Casey's right, he's in the water!”

“Who?” Chief Boden called back.

“The driver, he was ejected.”

The chief pointed to the rest of Rescue Squad 3. It was up to them to retrieve the victim from the icy depths of the river, hopefully in time to receive proper treatment. “We think we got one in the river. Go.”

“Severide!” There was an ache growing in Becker's bones that words failed to describe. She desperately wanted to jump in the water and search for the second driver but she understood it went against protocol. She was still on probation and has to follow Kelly's orders. She would do as told and put her skills elsewhere and pray to whoever was out there listening that Kelly and their men found him in time.

She scanned the river's surface, hoping for a glimpse of something that would signal to them where the driver went down, but it was no use. For all that Becker could do, the rest was up to the divers.

Kelly appeared at her side, geared up and ready to go. “Don't worry, I'm gonna find him.” He turned to the rest of his men. “All right, Husting and me are going. Capp and Hadley on RIT and run the line. Casey, on RIT.”

“Copy that.”

Becker's heartbeat thundered in her ears as Kelly climbed over the railing and began the descent to the water's icy depths. If anything happened to him and Husting, Capp and Hadley would go in first, and if anything happened to them, it was up to Becker to gather the others and proceed forward to find them. Kelly trusted her with his life, likewise, she trusted him. On duty, their friendship took a backseat to being partners on the Rescue Squad; Becker put her faith in Kelly's judgment as the leader of their team, the same way he put his faith in her as one of his firefighters. It was a give-and-take.

Frantically searching what she could see of the chilling darkness before her while Capp and Hadley lowered their men down to the water, it always felt like they weee operating on borrowed time. Never having enough of it until―

“Cancel the dive. No one is in the water,” the chief informed over the radio.

“You did great out there today. I'm proud of you.”

Becker wanted to smile, she wanted to say “thank you” and acknowledge that she rocked her first day back, but she couldn't. Truthfully, she needed to hear those words from her brother. While hearing them from the Squad leader meant more than she could express, she needed to know that Matt still had the same faith in her abilities now that he did when she joined the Academy seven years ago. She needed to know he still believed in her. His treatment of Squad over the last month ― and Becker simply because she was part of it, too ― isolated her from him in ways she never was before.

“Thanks, Severide.” She hopper off the rig behind Kelly as her brother moved away from Otis.

“You're staying on elevators, which makes you Otis. Sorry.”

“Hey. Guy in the water? How about a guy with his head up his ass?” Kelly called; a challenge.

“You handle your firefighters, I'll handle mine.”

“That's a good theory, Casey. How about giving it a try?”

Matt closed the gap between them in three full strides and stopped directly in front of Kelly. “Know what? I'm gettin' real tired of your bull, Severide.”

“I don't give a damn what you're tired of.”

Becker had had enough. She stood to the side watching the two men she loved most in the world square off with each other and she'd had enough. She didn't signup for that. She didn't sign up to feel like her world was falling out from under her feet with nowhere to land and no one to catch her. She twisted around to face her brother, and anger flashed in her dark stormy irises.

“Why are you being such a dick?”

“Excuse me?” Matt turned a surprised glare on his sister. She never spoke to him that way, especially not in front of the guys. “You want to try that again, MC?”

“Why are you being such a dick, Lieutenant? You've been walking around here barking orders for a month like you own the place, but turn around the next minute and it's like you'd give anything to be miles away from Squad. You pick fights with anyone who dares to cross your path. You're not the only one who lost someone that day. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to greet the sun, you would see that.”

“Easy, MC,” a warning.

Matt laughed dryly, taking slow deliberate steps toward his sister.

Becker refused to back down. “Who gave you the right to be judge, jury, and executioner, huh? I know you're angry, Casey, and you may be my superior. But I am still your sister. I don't deserve to be treated like shit just because you need someone to blame for Darden's death. Neither does Severide, and neither does Brian. That's right, Brian. Yeah, I know his name. I have from day one. What's your excuse?”

“Right. This what you call ‘handling your firefighters’, Severide?”

Kelly gently pushed Becker behind him. “She's just saying what we're all thinking, man.”

“Hey.” Their argument was interrupted by Chief Boden throwing a few hard punches at the bag hanging near the refrigerator. “I thought you all should know, I am gonna fight that dick, Olmstead, who slept with my wife in Saturday's Drop-A-Cop.” He threw a few more. “Or we could all just throw the gloves on right now, beat the hell out of each other. Maybe when the Mayor comes in Saturday that's what he sees. Truck versus Squad ― old as the CFD, so deal with it. We all lost Darden a month ago Friday. And that ain't changing. So maybe we should.”

Becker tried to swallow past the lump forming in her throat. She stepped around Kelly and moved past her brother, intentionally bumping into his shoulder as she headed into the station. On her way in, she heard the chief call out, “Casey, make it right,” and realized he was talking to the Truck lieutenant. She continued until she reached the locker room.

[mintacle]

A semi-definitive list of worst nightmares

Author: Krystal Sutherland

Rating: I thought this was a bad cheesy book at first and was SO surprised by the turn it took. This book is amazing. Ages 14+

Read the warnings at the bottom if you're considering reading this! I skipped pages at multiple points and you should be safe while reading.

Category: YA literature, supernatural (not- not the TV show. just no.)

Themes: mental illness, growing up, fear, family, death

What is it about?: Esther Solar's family has been followed by a curse ever since her grandfather met Death in the Vietnam war: every family member would develop a phobia and sooner or later be killed by their greatest fear. Esther tries to avoid the fate that is already entangling the rest of her family, her twin brother, Eugene, is terrified of the dark and what hides in the shadows, Her mother is a gambling addict who is terrified of misfortune and her father suddenly became agoraphobic multiple years ago and has since not left the basement of the house. Esther's defense plan is a list, specifically one which includes everything that might be her biggest fear, so she can avoid it forever and never grow to fear anything so much it results in a phobia.

One evening she meets Jonah Smallwood, her crush from elementary school, who promptly steals her phone, money, a Fruit Roll-Up, but worst of all, her list.

After a lot of effort to convince her, Jonah and Esther decide to work through the fears one by one until they can force Death to show up in person, so Esther can confront him and free her family from the curse.

While no one really knows if death exists, or for that fact, if he cares about a teenage-girl's antics, the weekly confrontation of her fears is changing Esther for the better. As the teenagers grow closer, and it seems that something deeper is blooming between them, they also confront the real horrors of the world. Depression, abuse and betrayal.

Why do I like it/ dislike it?: I almost put the book away after the first few chapters, to tell the truth. Esther is such a"quirky" and "special" girl at first. The reason why I'm putting this in quotation marks is because much of her character feels forced and superficial at the beginning. It's hard to take her and her feelings seriously. But this is perhaps the challenge to the reader. To understand her as a teenager and see beneath the veneer of sheer ridiculousness and recognize her real pain. The book really amazed me because as Esther gradually matured, the writing style changed as well. The story became increasingly complex. At the end of the book, it's hard to say what even happened, because it is so dependent on the perspective one has. This is a book about not romanticising life, but acknowledging reality, but also a fantasy book about a family and it's relationship to Death, it's a quirky love story, it's a growing up story, it's a story about mental illness. The ending has truly left me amazed at it's complexity and I was completely taken by surprise because I thought it was a bad and superficial book, but instead Sutherland shows an amazing capability in understanding people and development.

This is such a good and respectful book about mental illness, ranging from addiction, to anxiety, to depression, it doesn't simplify any issue. It will definitely seem so at first because Esther is simplifying her families' issues to herself and romanticising her own and other's hardships. Her development isn't explicitly referenced, but I found it very noticable. Sutherland made an incredibly good use of an unreliable narrator here.

Criticisms: Many reviews mention the book trying to hard to be "different", or that they couldn't get into it, which I understand because I felt the same at first, but as I've mentioned multiple times now, this changes within the course of the book and is a conscious use of an unreliable narrator.

The topics this book deals with are really dark though at times and extremely explicit, everyone should read the warnings, before picking the book up. I don't usually stress this so much and it absolutely is necessary. The general tone is more light-hearted, but it does get dark.

Personally, I'd say this book is a difficult read, beause it relies on the reader a lot. For me, that made it a true work of art, but I also suspect that's why the reviews online are so bipolar. Since I've now mentioned that the narrator is unreliable though, I think anyone reading this post really knows what to expect.

Warnings: death, phobia, suicide mention, abuse, violence, anxiety, self-harm, murder, gore, mention of war, mention of rape, mention of kidnapping

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi! I'm asking your help for typing because I've been trying to figure my type for so long that I just end up confusing myself lol. (I'm in my late teens, jsyk.) I consider myself a down-to-earth person. I can tell when I'm hungry/thirsty/need to go to the gym/need to rest, etc. I'm good at noticing minor changes, like when one of my friends wears a different pair of glasses. I can also make accurate visual comparisons between people I know and celebrities. (1/7)

I'm usually the person keeping people on track during group projects. I like to exercise "efficient laziness", which basically means using pomodoro timers and doing work early on so I don't have to do it later. (But I still procrastinate...) I used to be high-strung about grades but now, especially in senior year, I'm pretty chill about it. Mostly, I wanted high grades so I could get into a good college. My HS is super competitive grade-wise but I was never really into that rat race. (2/7

I am somewhat competitive: when I'm working next to someone, I want to out do them, even if they don't know we're competing. Things that annoy me: being told things that I already know, people acting like they know what I want/need without asking me, needless self-deprecation (when someone goes "uwu I suck" when you compliment them). When people try to make me do what I want, I just sit there and endure until I can leave/do what I want because blowing up seems like a waste of time (3/7) 

I've wanted to be a writer ever since elementary school, but I wanted to do it alongside a 9-to-5 job so that I could have something else to rely on. Usually, I like to think up what is going to happen before putting it onto the page. I write fantasy/sci-fi, so I find it helpful ito dump my worldbuilding ideas into Google docs and then sorting out the details. I like developing characters and planning their arcs the most. (4/7)                      

           Characters tend to stay with me, and I like to imagine them into different worlds to see what would be best for their stories. Plotting is the worst part; I can clearly see the beginning and end, and some individual scenes in the middle, but the rest is a muddle. In fiction, I enjoy romance, which would surprise my friends because irl I don't care that much about it (doesn't seem worthwhile in HS). (5/7)

           I like romance novels because I know that they are going to change for the better. Unlike irl romance, there is a certainty I appreciate because I understand the character motivations. I feel emotion when I read fiction, but the only time I cry is when I either realize that either I didn't do enough to deal with a situation or that there is nothing I can do about it, and it's usually tears of anger or frustration. (6/7)                

When my parents divorced, I rationalized my emotional reaction away because I wanted to be mature. The divorce happened in MS, but I used this rationale even in HS. When my dad got married again, I was annoyed because strangers were going to be in my house, but I got used to my step-family so it's a non-issue now. I'm a lot healthier emotionally than I was in the beginning of HS, but I've done so much self analysis that it's hard to stay objective. I'd appreciate your perspective a lot (7/7)            

---------------

Hi anon,

I’m going to make my own warning, which is that a number of these things are very, very relatable to me so that might be coloring my own objectivity but I do think you are a high Te user, and that Si is more likely than Ni, so you’re probably one of the xSTJs.

Good at visual comparisons, awareness of physical needs - more sensing, and more Si than Se though obviously most people have at least some awareness.

There’s a general theme throughout of liking to have plans, know the ending, and have things settled, which is more a high Si and Ni thing. The fact that you tend to be the person who willingly keeps people on track, are somewhat competitive, want good grades for a concrete, external reason that is ultimately for yourself, and dislike people acting like they know what you need all point to high Te. (this is the part I found most relatable; I still, as an adult, really dislike being told things I already know, having people assume they know my mental state, or fishing for compliments; having these dislikes are are all signs of lacking Fe).

I think it’s hard to type off of preferences in fiction, but I do think your thoughts about becoming a writer (you are pretty realistic about the prospects/feasibility of being a full time writer) are very in line with high Te especially, and probably Si as well.

Finally, your emotional responses fit low Fi (and high Te) well; the TJs are pretty good at rationalizing away emotions and also tend to go into “fix the problem” mode if there is a problem to be fixed; they are more likely to express negative emotions if the situation doesn’t have a solution (which also includes crying over movies or books, since there’s not really anything to be done).

[spirit-of-vengeance]

7th ROTG anniversary. Time to get emotional.

I never written this down, but now I feel the need due to the intense nostalgia and the notice of how quickly time is fleeing. I have a tale to tell, I need to share my story about how this film changed my life. Warning: it's long.

Brief into: I believed in the Santa, Easter Bunny (I really wanted in the Toothfairy too and unfortunately never heard about Jack or Sandy) even when I was 10. (Which was considered pretty old to believe) I even got into an argument with my teacher in the 3rd grade because she said 'stop being childish, they aren't real' because I was excitedly whispering with my classmate about catching the Santa this year. A boy, who ironically looked exactly like Jack Frost began endlessly teasing me and calling me stupid for still thinking he's real. On the way back home with mom I confronted her about this, not giving up until she told me whenever he was right or not. Backed into a corner, she was forced to give up. I cried every day for weeks. The magic was ripped away from me.

Year 2012, December. I'm 11 and a victim of hardcore bullying since my whole life. Students, teachers and sometimes parents. To cheer me up, mom took me to the shopping center to watch a movie. We couldn't really decide & she saw a giant poster of North smiling at people. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said 'Let's watch that! ' I followed the direction of her finger and my face scrunched in malice "I am not watching a movie with the Santa. Its stupid. I'm a big girl, I want to watch a bloody action movie! " but she was unbending. She could bribe me into it with a large bowl of popcorn; I was still grumbling when the lights went out.

The change: first snowflakes, first notes of the piano worked like magic. I immediately shut up and wondered what actually happens here. Why is it so soothing? At the first few shots of the North Pole when North is working on the ice train, I jumped in my seat and I shit you not, I thought the Santa is actually getting murdered. My eyebrow rose higher when I realized that guy with the chainsaw and swords is the Santa. Unfortunately, I can't remember more first reactions; stress, depression, traumas really ruined my long term memory. It seems silly now, but I kept the last piece of popcorn what I was munching on during it, I still have it in a little jewel box; one of my sacred memories. The car ride back to home was quiet, I was staring out of the window my mind stirring with creativity.

Aftermath: 2013-2018; while my classmates were busy getting drunk, being a petty bitch, giving oral in the toilet, (yes. I am talking about elementary school.), getting laid, I was lost in a world of wonder. I learnt 60% of my English knowledge in 3 months with reading fanfiction. I browsed deviantart for hours and laughed my ass off at the hilarious, extremely well done fanarts.

I grew up on mostly Blackice videos I wasn't 100% aware what I'm actually seeing tho, I was exposed to gay ships from a young age and plot twist, nothing serious happened😀. My mental health wasn't shit because I saw the Bogeyman and the Winter spirit kiss.

I began talking to the Moon. I cried my pain to him. Sitting on my windowstill, debating whenever I should jump or not. My extraordinarily strong bond with my mom and this film were my only lifeline. I was making it through, in my own world. My imagination created wonderful sights, scenarios; at nights I was certain I can spot Sandy on his cloud, at Christmas North trying to push himself out of the chimney cussing, at Easter that enormous bunny running around, at winters mostly yelling at Jack 'get out of my country' because I'm a summer person, going to school on a chilly yet sunny autumn day and see Pitch standing on the edge of the misty forest.

I began to change, respond to the pressure from my bullies. My personality began to morph. See the wonder in everything; like North. There's hope and spite, don't dare to give up; like Bunny. Awaken and enjoy creativity; like Sandy. Shit on the rules and have a damn good time no matter what; like Jack. Cherish memories and friends; like Tooth. Be ruthless and stand up from the most brutal blows; like Pitch. And never forget, the Moon will always be there even when he's an antisocial dick and says nothing.

My aim, my dream was to write the sequel. When I was done I wanted to send it to William Joyce. I wrote 200+ pages, but unfortunately in Hungarian. I still don't know why I stopped, why I abandoned that plan.

I was looking for ROTG posters because I wanted to email them to my friend to show what I've been obsessed with. I was just lazily staring at a Pitch poster, realizing his V neck actually never closes - then my eyes crossed the date: November 21. I let out an ungodly shriek of disbelief and mirth. Mom rushed into the living room with terror and met with the sight of me screaming in ecstasy "RISE OF THE GUARDIANS CAME OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! "

Around 2016 I became really interested in this roleplay stuff and oh god I was terrible. Cindy Flame then was an always angry Mary sue but after years of practice, expanding she is a completely built, extremely complex character, flawed, strong, tragic and ruthless; divine yet oh so human. So I was making friends online, most of them failed, I think one of them committed suicide but that belongs to an another story.

I have been lurking Tumblr for 3 years? More? Because I had no idea how this site worked and I was shy because I thought my writing is not good enough I realize now I felt right. I admired blogs from afar, read their writing and falling deeper and deeper into this fandom.

Nearing present day: I actually came to Tumblr to pursue a friend of mine. I was borderline desperate because I've thought they are one of the last one in the fandom and it scared me. The fun thing is, I actually never interacted with them after making this blog. So I break this two year old spell and hi @kingofnxghtmares it's me, Jasmine😊 You don't have to answer/interact/or anything, I wanted to get everything off my chest and finally tagging you just felt right.

So now I'm on Tumblr. And I love every second it. I've found amazing friends, insanely dynamic muses, crack threads, angst, the chance to expand my muse even more and where I belong. So there I am, wondering where 7 years went. I've grown up (somewhat), and I'm glad I was protected from the 'disaster teenage years ', drinking, heartbreak, drugs, etc instead I grew up in a magical world interviewed with reality so closely; it became an escape place when reality became too heavy.

About ROTG & finale: masterpiece. The animation is insanely lifelike yet fantasy. Every tiny, microscopic detail is perfect, the characters, the storyline, the atmosphere original and capturing. The music is gut wrenching. Everything is absolutely, 200% on point. I don't think there ever will be an animated movie which can be better than Rise of the Guardians animation and/or storywise. No 'love is the answer ' movies can ever come close this iconic masterpiece no matter how they rip it off looking at Frozen 2😒

I watched it today (I have it in Spanish as well and I only can encourage everyone to watch it, the Spanish voice acting is, 100% in my opinion Pitch's bested Jude Law, damn that rich hiss of malice was incredible ) on my 18th birthday while cuddling with mom, laughing and heavy with nostalgia. I think I will remain in this fandom for a very long time, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go due to my deep emotional ties. I would like to thank everyone who were present in making this film, the artists who still keep this fandom alive, all of my friends, roleplay partners; thank you for brightening my childhood, giving me purpose and a place to belong.

To my all of my friends:

@paintbrushtheelf @muerte-rojo @nightmarinqs @mr-mansnoozie @gatekeeperoftheunderworld @50shadesofpitchblack @flossinspector @magicmiyeh

@black-equals-mysoul @nxghtlight @lindzem

I love all of you,

Jasmine

[jamkookies]

° Bon Voyage °

• Part XI •

Me and Nochu

~

The darkness surrounding every corner of your vision only emphasises the unmistakable fear in your chest.

You'd never been this alone before.

As you drag your suitcase behind you, the dimly-lit buildings lining the streets are your only consolation.

You march down the sidewalk with wary eyes, alert about every movement and sound.

Mentally thanking yourself for putting on a hoodie and sweatpants, you check  your phone for the thirty-fifth time.

11:30 pm

Well, that's great.

It had been two hours since you'd secretly left the hospital, trying to get away before the others woke up and you still hadn't found someplace to sleep.

Just where was that damn hotel?

The streets where dangerous at night, lights or no lights on display.

Your inner thoughts kept telling you to go back, to not be stupid and reckless, but you shoved them out of the way.

No.

There was no going back now.

You were gonna find a hotel for tonight and then fly to Korea first thing in the morning.

That's right.

You had this.

You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

Holding on to that newly-found feeling of confidence, you push your way forward.

There.

At the right corner, a five storey building catches your eye, a Casa Ellul sign on the top of it.

You fasten your steps, eager to escape from the eerie atmosphere of the streets.

You reach the reception desk, a young lady on the other side of it, greeting you with a warm smile.

"Lejla tajba!"you make an attempt.

"Merħba!" she answers. "Kif nista ngħinek?"

Woah there.

You only knew the most elementary words and the speed of her articulation made you do a double take.

"Um.. English?" you try again.

The receptionist plasters another smile on her face, and you notice the thick accent when she says "Of course."

"I would like to book a room for tonight."

After finishing the procedure, you extend your credit card to her and she takes it, swiping it on the machine.

Then she looks at you and mumbles a jumble of mispronounced English words.

"What?"

"Il-karta ta 'kreditu tiegħek ġiet irrifjutata."

What in the ever loving world did she just say?

You stare at her, dumbfounded.

She waves the card in front of you and makes a big X with her index fingers.

Oh no.

Your credit card was declined.

That lying son of a-

"Sorry", the lady says, giving you an apologetic smile.

What were you gonna do now?

You had nowhere to go, you couldn't speak Maltese and the only belongings you owned were your suitcase and your phone.

If Sejin had invalidated your credit card, that meant he had invalidated every other form of retracting money.

You were gonna have a couple of words with your-

Oh, right.

Your manager was the one who had done this.

You let out an exasperated sigh and as you give the lady a last nod, you make your way out of the hotel.

You fish your phone from your pocket, ready to call your parents to send you some money, but pause mid-air and put it back in.

What exactly were you gonna tell them?

Hey Mom! Sorry for calling so late but  I've been acting like a hysterical lately and someone kidnapped me and I got shot in the shoulder and I left the band and now I'm all alone in the middle of Valetta with no money.

Oh and by the way, how's Dad?

Yeah right.

Like you were ever gonna tell them that.

You'd rather lick the street clean than admit failure in front of them.

They couldn't know.

Determined to hold yourself on your own two feet, you start strolling along the streets.

You just had to find somewhere to spend the night - that was your main concern right now.

You'd deal with other things later.

Your overwhelming fear on your chest shrinks a little.

If someone dared attack you, you would definitely put that three month self-defense training to use.

You scan the area around you, weighing the possibilities of finding a place without being slaughtered.

The injury on your shoulder kept bothering you, but you told yourself to suck it up.

It was gonna heal sooner or later.

Searching with your eyes, you notice a stone bridge with a minuscule stream flowing under it.

It was considerably far from the buildings, so you supposed it would be a safer option.

Limping along with your suitcase behind you, you get under the bridge and sit on the ground.

The uncomfortableness of the rocky surface makes your butt hurt, and you give up, standing on your feet once again.

Then, you come up with an idea.

You unzip the big suitcase and lay on it, curling into a ball.

It wasn't the most luxurious thing you'd slept on but at least it would keep you warm and snug.

You couldn't allow yourself to sleep, not with the risk of being alone.

You had to keep your eyes open in case someone-

You pass out in a span of ten seconds.

* * *

"Jungkook, stop."

You giggle, feeling the wetness on your cheek with your eyes still closed.

"Stoooop." you whine once again.

You lift one hand to your face and bite back a scream when you touch a mass of fur.

As you blink, you go cross-eyed at the thing in front of you.

It's a cat.

And it's licking you.

Oh God.

You had thought it was him and that he had been k-

You shake your head and try to distract yourself from all the unholy places your mind was willing to take you.

Not today, Satan.

The cat stares at you silently as you grunt and spill a bunch of profanities when you try to stretch.

Your muscles were stiff and aching from sleeping in a fetal position all night.

You hadn't even moved an inch.

"Are you on your own too?" you say to the cat.

She doesn't answer.

"Cat got your tongue?"

You huff a laugh at your own joke.

The white and orange fluff-ball approaches you and snuggles on your leg, trying to get your attention.

You scratch her back and pet her, enjoying the feel of soft fur under your fingertips.

"You're a cute little thing aren't you? Are you hungry?"

Your own stomach growls in anticipation and you're suddenly reminded that you haven't eaten anything since yesterday.

You had been trying to avoid the fact that you literally had nothing  but now the time had come for you to face the reality.

A ticket to Korea was not cheap and you didn't have a single dollar bill in your pockets.

You were gonna have to work for it.

Putting the strewn-out clothes back into the suitcase, you make an attempt to fix yourself up as much as you could.

Even though you didn't know what to expect, there was a surprisingly pleasant mood that had settled on you.

You'd been used to getting your things ready by other people and you missed the sensation of having to earn them on your own.

Miserable as you were, excitement was seeping out of every corner of your body.

You take confident steps and enter the hotel once more.

The lady recognizes you on first sight and you can't help but feel a surge gratitude.

You raise your index finger, gesturing for her to wait and stick out your phone.

Come on, Google Translate! Help me out.

"Bongu!" you say, eyes on the screen."Tista 'jekk jogħġbok għinni?"

There's an amused expression on the lady's face.

You realize that she did know English but you were trying to prove her that you could get out of your comfort zone.

She needed to understand that you were willing to get what you wanted.

"Dażgur." she says in a soft voice.

You take this as an affirmation to go on.

"M'għandix flus.Għandi bżonn xogħol."

You look straight into her eyes,pleading with your own.

"Jekk jogħġbok." you add.

You didn't know if it was that last word of begging or the fact that she was a nice person, but she instantly gives you a genuine sympathetic look.

"Follow me." she says, thick accent still there.

Your face immediately lights up in anticipation and you trail after her.

She guides you down the hallway and stops in front of a brown door.

Then, she extends a hand for you to shake, which you gladly take.

"I'm Liena."

* * *

You were on cloud nine.

It was amazing how willing the staff had

been to help you.

After talking for half an hour in fluent English with the manager of the hotel, you'd convinced him that you had no money and no place to stay.

He'd been deeply touched by your fake story of how you'd lost all of your cash while being on vacation and you felt slightly guilty about it, but you'd had no other choice.

You couldn't just let him know of your every dreadful tragedy.

He had required your passport, which you'd luckily still had with you and then you'd gone over the procedures.

You would work as a janitress, cleaning and scrubbing and arranging every hotel room they assigned you to.

What you didn't expect though, was the small room, similar to a cupboard, under a pair of stairs, where you were supposed to sleep.

Harry Potter at its finest.

It did have some kind of space, you had to give them credit for that, but your expectations had been somewhat...higher.

You mentally slap yourself.

This was not the time to act like a spoiled child.

They had provided you with a job and shelter and you were extremely grateful for it.

After showing you around, Liena had asked you to follow her into the kitchen.

She was now watching you intently as you gobbled down massive amounts of seafood risotto.

You'd tried to take it slowly at first, but your growling stomach had urged you to go faster and faster and now you were left with an aching stomach and indigestion.

As you lick the plate clean, you pat your inflated belly and burp in satisfaction.

Hunger was one dangerous little thing.

Liena giggles at your shameless act and offers you an apple from a nearby basket.

You raise your palms in denial, face already grimacing, but she doesn't take no for an answer.

Well, what would one more do, anyway?

You surrender and take the apple, bowing your head in thanks.

"Grazzi." you chirp.

She nods once and leaves the room, making you fall prey to the constant bothering thoughts.

You hadn't stopped thinking about him not even for a second.

The boys too.

Their phantom presence lingered on the deepest corners of your mind and no matter how hard you tried to forget, no matter how hard you tried to distract yourself from all those good and bad memories alike, they still dwelled inside of you.

A permanent link which you couldn't sever.

Did it even matter anymore?

At least they were safe.

At least they were moving on with their lives, far away from you and your bad influence.

A teardrop stains the smooth surface of the table, followed by a silent weeping that shakes your shoulders violently and echoes into the white walls of the kitchen.

* * *

It had been a week already and if you were completely honest with yourself, you hadn't even noticed the time passing.

The hotel had been quite busy and there had been no time for you to rest, constantly changing bedsheets, mopping the floors or cleaning the fine layer of dust coating the furniture.

By the time you went to bed, sleep knocked you off almost immediately, too tired to rethink your life decisions.

Liena had proved to be a real friend with her never-ending food offerings, constant check-ups on your health and occasional chatting.

You had found yourself bonding to her more and more everyday.

The week had gone smoothly except for an unlucky incident that involved your phone slipping from your pocket and falling down the stairs, shattering to bits and pieces.

It had been useless to begin with, not being able to talk to or message anyone, but you'd still felt bad about the pictures you had taken with the boys.

Those were precious memories you had intended to keep with you, but luck just wasn't on your side this time.

"Guess it's just you and me now, Nochu." you say to the white and orange cat pecking at the bread crumbs on your hand.

She had loyally stayed by your side for the past week, spying on every chance she got to eat from your hands.

You usually gave her leftovers or any other thing you could get, but you never let her starve, not even once.

You took pleasure on the rewards she gave you, such as snuggling on your feet or playing with your hands.

"Il-waqfa spiċċat!" you hear a voice down the hall.

That was your cue to finish the lunch-break and get back to work.

Liena had familiarized you with some pattern-words that were essential to your job and it had made it even easier to understand the orders being given.

"Bye, Nochu." You pat the cat's head one last time before getting back inside.

One of the hotel employees is waiting for you on the hall, a tray of food on his hands.

"Kamra hawn fuq." he says and points his finger upstairs.

You take the tray from his hands and look at the card with the number of the hotel room.

72

As you climb up the stairs, you can't help but notice how light the plates actually are. The person ordering this must not have such a big appetite, you think to yourself.

However, the curiosity wins you over and you peek at the lids covering the plates.

A salad and some roasted asparagus.

Oh, wow.

They really intend to kill themselves, then.

You find yourself in front of the door and knock twice.

"Come in." you hear someone on the other side.

Wait.

That voice....

You pull down the handle with nervous hands and swing the door wide open.

Curly hair and doe eyes greet you.

The tray falls from your hands and onto the floor.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Random anon here. I recently saw your ask about Severus Snape and I wanted to know, what are your reasons for supporting him? I'm not trying to start an argument I swear (personally he seems to fall more on the "love to hate" side of morality, but that's my opinion, not yours!) I'm just struggling to find my own opinion and I've seen both extremes on the topic. I realize this is kind of a racy question so feel free to just ignore me if'n ya want!

Okay, so I am not well off, and it was especially worse when I was younger. I grew up in a ghetto, on the worst side of the city. I didn’t have friends for the longest time. It was hard, and even then, I wasn’t aware of just how hard it truly was for my mom and I.

When reading Harry Potter, I never saw Severus as a bully. In fact, I just really didn’t take him seriously because he came off exactly as McGonagall, which is really strict. I’ve had teachers do far worse things than he’s ever done, so to me, Professor Snape was just really strict like a nun. At least he couldn’t hit the kids, which is different compared to the school I went to for years. Comparing my experiences at school, to his actions toward students, is nothing.

For the longest time I didn’t hold an opinion on him, other than why the hell does he care what happens to Harry if he doesn’t like him, you know?

PoA starts to put it together really. Dumbledore’s stupid comment in PS wasn’t really considered because I was more angry over Slytherin getting shafted out of points after being declared winners. (I was 6 when I saw the film the first time, and my sister was only a year older when she saw the film the first time and that was her first reaction too.)

But in PoA, Harry gets dragged into Snape’s office where he mouths off and Severus reveals that Harry’s father and his buddies nearly got him killed, and that whatever Dumbledore said, was greatly watered down to make James appear great. However, I was still very young and didn’t comprehend everything. Only that Remus literally admits at the end of the book, that Severus would have died because of Sirius using Remus to play an awful prank, and Dumbledore made Severus stay quiet about it, which wasn’t fair.

Sirius allows Severus’ unconscious form to bang into everything, Severus conjurs stretchers for everyone, including Sirius, and there was banging in sight.

In GoF Sirius tries to make him out to be someone super horrible but I couldn’t take him seriously because he obviously hates Severus and is really immature about it if we use the banging his head off of stuff as an example. How would he know that Severus was evil before coming to school?

The next time I truly consider him beyond that of a strict teacher, is in OotP when Harry rudely rifles through his memories and we see a scene that I have personal experience with. We see his ‘worst memory’, meaning it’s bad.

As stated earlier, I grew up in a ghetto. Mom and I were the only ‘white people’ in said ghetto that was African/Mexican. And while most people backed off when they learned that my sperm donor is a black man with many large, black brothers, some still bothered me. And when I transferred to the public Elementary School down the street, I wasn’t safe there either. I got bullied in my neighborhood, and bullied at school by the popular kids.

So we all know James was supposedly well-liked, meaning popular. And Severus wasn’t. And with how the series treats Slytherins, it’s not shocking Slytherins are bullied just for their House.

Severus is assaulted by 4 people on one, which annoyed me because I was used to that. Sometimes even more people. And if I fought back, they would claim I was the bully and try to get me in trouble at school. I had a bad reputation, and no one questioned the favorites because how could they ever do wrong?

The unfairness of a many on one scenario, made me so angry as a tween and to see him going through that just immediately put me off to James Potter. They held him down and choked him and stripped him, and a similar situation happened to me once in the park down the street where they struggled to pin me and managed to get only my pants off before I got free. 5 boys against 1 girl. Just because Severus has a dick, doesn’t mean the situation is any better with him in it.

James says he does it ‘because he exists’. Something else I’m familiar with. And then we get right from Lily’s own mouth, that the Marauders are arrogant and cocky and pick on anything just because they feel like it. She makes that observation. Severus saying a bad word once in the whole series wasn’t really enough to suddenly get me to hate him. I was disappointed with him, but was more hyped up at the time, on the fact that the great and wonderful Marauders, were just a group of bullies.

And then 1 chapter later, Sirius and Remus confirm EVERYTHING, but try to play it off as something simple. They said they never stopped bothering him, but that they got better at hiding it so Lily wouldn’t know. The bulling continued all throughout school. They graduated as bullies. It was very clear to me.

Effin wonderful.

And by the end of the book, we see that Severus was giving water to Umbridge instead of a truth serum. That he alerted the Order to Harry’s vision and told Sirius to remain behind on Dumbledore’s orders. That he went into the FoD to search for them when they didn’t return with Umbridge. He did all this when he didn’t have to.

I was a mixed bag of emotions in HBP because I don’t like Dumbledore at all so Severus killing him didn’t affect me in the least. His supposed betrayal though, hit hard and I was so sad. I read that book during the utter height of my Depression, so it was especially hard for a character that I formed a close bond with due to mutual experience, would truly be Voldemort’s man. This was before I understood that liking an evil character doesn’t make you evil. And it just contradicted all I knew about Severus’ actions during Harry’s school years and was difficult to come to grips with.

And yet in DH his actions made no sense. Sending Ginny to Hagrid for detention instead of to the Carrows? That was supposed to be a punishment when he knew they were friends?

And then all is revealed and we got more back story. He was just as poor as me, bullied before school even. Petunia bullied him for being poor. She bullied her own sister for having magic. Like, seriously, she’s horrible. 

On the first day, James and Sirius began picking on him for wanting to be in Slytherin. They hadn’t even been sorted yet and they were already bothering him.

And I felt Lily, the Prefect, expecting him to control his Housemates who aren’t even his friends, wasn’t fair since he was at the bottom of the ranks in Slytherin for his blood status. She made no attempt to control the actions of the Marauders, which Remus didn’t either as he too was a Prefect. They actually had power in those situations and never used it, which isn’t Severus’ fault.

Dumbledore’s plan comes into the light and nooooo, Severus was never on Voldemort’s side! Thank God!

And then he died to see Voldemort taken down.

It was pretty cut and dry in my eyes. He worked for Dumbles the whole time, just to make up for his mistake.

I am much older now. I know more things. I am in a better mental state than I was when I finished HP. I love Voldemort and I am unashamed of it, because I know that I can like an evil character and not approve of their actions.

I have seen other people’s thoughts of Severus and looked at his actions from different points of view.

How he treats his students is still nowhere near to what I was used to growing up. From my personal experience, he was very easy on his students when in such a dangerous class. It however, is bullying. I know that now, and I am disappointed in it, though can understand that half is for show, and the other half is because he’s a bitter asshat.

I too am bitter. I don’t like kids. I hate people in general. I lack tolerance for most things that annoy me. I am not mentally healthy despite being better than I was.

Harry had similar experiences to Severus. People use him somehow coming out perfectly as the only possible example of an abuse victim to become. He is in fact, unrealistic. To the extreme.

I understand now why Severus is the way he is. I understand why I am the way I am. That will not excuse the shitty things we’ve done, but it makes sense. Our experiences shape us, and people expecting someone who went through what Severus went through, to come out fine, are stupid.

I connect to Severus Snape very deeply. And with wiser eyes, I can see even more problems deeply entrenched in the things that happened. The stripping of someone without consent is sexual assault for example. Every now and then I re-read and pick up the more abusive aspects of what I read, and Severus was on the receiving end of some terrible shit that people overlook or excuse.

And it angers me when people ignore his plights as a teen because to them, he was the world’s biggest bully as an adult. Yes, it’s immature that he took his justified anger at James out on Harry. No, it is not okay behavior. No, he is not the biggest bully to ever live. No, his actions to stop Voldemort are not diminished simply because he was an ass to kids. Yes, he earned his redemption for joining the Death Eaters by helping to end Voldemort. Plain and simple.

If people can blame 15 year old Severus for what he did then and in the future, I am allowed to hold the Marauders accountable for the shit things they did as teens. Simple concept.

My #Severus Snape tag would take you on a trip.

[droo216]

Hey, sorry, this is kind of a weird question, but you're the only person I can think of to come with this to. I've also been a big time fan of Peter Pan ever since I was a kid, but I'm about to graduate high school this Saturday. So I just wanted to ask - from one Pan fan to another... how did you deal with growing up?

Okay first of all, please accept my apology for this delayed response. I’m so sorry that it has taken me so long to reply, but growing up has been hard, so it’s a major reflection to talk about.

Second of all, congratulations! I hope the end of your time in high school went smoothly and that you’re excited about whatever may come next!

As for your question.

Dang, I’ve started to tear up already and I haven’t even started typing.

I’ve said before that the reader is meant to identify with Wendy’s role in the story - ultimately, she realizes that growing up is important and a natural part of life, and she allows herself to be excited about her potential for her future. But I get where Peter is coming from too. The future is scary. Psychological studies have shown that most people are optimistic about the future - we tend to believe things will get better rather than worse. We think the future holds a better job, a happier home, a full family, and so on. But I think many of us are left with the question: what if it doesn’t get better?

In high school, I was a pretty quiet person. I got straight As, I was a model student. I shown most brightly in choir and definitely in theatre. I went through many different ideas of what I wanted to do - author, actor, elementary teacher, even a dentist at one point. But I was the theatre kid. I loved theatre, I’ve done it consistently since I was seven years old, I’ve done dozens and dozens of shows. It was, in a way, the path of least resistance.

In college, as is often the case, others were lit more brightly than I was. It wasn’t a shock, I expected to receive smaller roles and understudies in my first year, but other freshmen were playing John Proctor and Abigail in The Crucible while I was sitting quietly in the back as Ezekiel Cheever, who has maybe ten lines in the whole show. I got my share of leading roles as my time progressed and I was cast every semester - but I just wasn’t ever the gem of the department. My friends were.

I went to school thirty minutes away from my hometown. It was just far enough to get away while still having that safety net. Around my sophomore year, a friend of mine did the Disney College Program and I started getting it in my head that I wanted to go work at Disney too. I’m sure my closely-guarded secret crush on him was related to this, but I also love Disney and it seemed like a natural step. Again, the path of least resistance. I’ve always had a connection to Florida anyway because I was born here, and I also needed the distance from my hometown that Orlando provided to allow me to - pardon the horrible cliche - “find myself.” Let’s say, I needed to… figure some things out.

I’ve learned the most about myself and life in general in my time down here in Florida. I still have a hard time thinking of myself as an adult. I’ve lived with many different roommates, with both positive and negative results. I’ve taken on a lot more responsibility financially, but my dad still covers my phone bill and we all share my sister’s Netflix account. I now live in a house - a real house! - but we rent it from a guy in the Netherlands and it takes a total of five roommates to cover the rent and we have almost zero furniture in the shared spaces because we all came from apartments where the other people owned the couches and tables and chairs.

There’s a lot of yucky things about growing up. Bills are the worst part. I hate cleaning dishes. I don’t mind putting the laundry in but taking it out and folding and hanging everything is a drag. I made spaghetti for the first time a month ago and my first ever grilled cheese two weeks ago. I always put off vacuuming as long as possible. Maintenance for my car is beyond annoying.

But responsibility means freedom. Growing up ties you down in many ways but it releases you in others. Don’t want to make the bed? You don’t have to. As long as you’re happy with an unmade bed, you’re allowed to do that. (I love having a made bed, which is probably shocking to absolutely no one.) Want to eat ice cream for dinner? You can. It’s not great for you, but sometimes you just need some ice cream and now there’s no one to tell you no. And the sucky parts of growing up often yield positive results. That grilled cheese I made? I NAILED it on the first shot, it turns out I make a FANTASTIC grilled cheese, and now I think I’m a gourmet chef every time I butter up a couple pieces of toast and put some Kraft slices between them. Keeping up with the car is rough, especially because I don’t know a thing about cars - but I have a car. I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. I often don’t. But if I wanted to, I could. I probably don’t exercise the freedom that growing up allows as much as I could, honestly.

Growing up is always on my mind. I’m 27. I thought I’d be married by 25 but I am very single with no potential suitor in sight. My dad was my age when I was born. I still text him every time I have a question about student loans or any money thing, really. I feel like I should know all this stuff by now, but every day I learn a little bit more and get a little closer to total responsibility. I hate that I’m this age and can’t afford my own place or even a couch for the place I do have. It’s like the lovely lady says in Finding Neverland about the crocodile’s role in the play. Time is chasing all of us.

The roughest part has been this year. Receiving a Stage III C colon cancer diagnosis at the age of 27 was surreal. When the doctor said the word “cancer,” I had a Hermione Granger response. I was very matter-of-fact, very clinical. When I told a friend that night and said the word “cancer” out loud with my own lips, I broke down in tears. I’m a fully grown man with a job and a house and a beard and I felt like a child inside. I was terrified. I still am. It’s not done, and it’s never going to be. This is something I’ll have to keep checking in on for the rest of my life.

This is a pattern I have begun to notice about being a grown up. Things don’t go away. You fix the car and something else breaks. You empty the dishwasher and fill it right back up. You go to the doctor and find out a diagnosis and now you have to monitor that continuously. You come out to your close friends, you finally come out to your family, you think it’s done, I’m out, I’m free - but you just escape from a tiny cage and found out that that cage was inside another one that is only marginally bigger than the first, and every time you meet someone new, you have to come out again and again and who knows how they’re going to react. I know there’s another Neverland-related simile here but I can’t think of what it is.

I still think grown-up me is someone that exists in the future, not in the present. I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. It’s changing all the time. For now, I have enough battles to get through, the job is the least of my concerns. And when I think about my future, if someone were to ask me what I want in the coming years, the job doesn’t even come to mind. I think about my relationships and what I want those to look like. That’s not the case for everyone, but it’s something important I’ve realized about myself.

Here’s a thought: Peter Pan loves being a child because he thinks it brings him freedom. But Wendy sees how trapped Peter is, physically and mentally and emotionally, and realizes that she must return to the responsibilities that await her in adulthood in order to grow and earn that ability to make your own choices. That’s what growing up is. Making your own choices.

I honestly don’t know if I’ve answered your question. I have to tell you though, you’re not alone in this feeling. I’m probably almost a decade older than you and I feel the same way. Growing up is an awfully big adventure. It’s daunting. But if we don’t keep moving forward, we will trap ourselves even further.

I hope this helps, and I hope you’re doing well. I’d love to hear from you about how you’re feeling as we hit halfway through your first summer post-graduation. If I remember right, it doesn’t entirely feel like everything is changing yet because the first summer just feels like part of the school cycle that you’re used to. Autumn is when it feels like the next stage has begun.

I think that’s all I have to say for now. I poured more of my heart out than I expected to. I’m sending faith and trust your way - I’m sure we both need them right now.

[spermendes]

DREAMS [SM: SONG ONE-SHOT]

Description: Y/N’s past affects her relationship with Shawn, to the point that he can’t deal with it anymore. He leaves for tour, but they still dream about one another.

SONG: Dreams - NF

N.E

Yeah, most of my life's full of sad days

Started at a young age

Yeah, bought a house but I've been livin' on stage

Tryna find the real me, I ain't found it yet

Wake up every morning feelin' like I'm guilty

Talk to God, "Can you hear me?"

Lately, I'm a mess

I don't want no one to help me

Yeah, I don't want no one to help me and

EVER SINCE the beginning, Y/N had known what pain felt like, whether it be mental or physical, she was most certain she’d felt it before. But really, what hurt the most, was the fact that the pain wasn’t accident, but it was her that was the accident. She wasn’t planned. She wasn’t supposed to be brought into this world. She was classified as a drunken mistake that happened to be created amongst all of it.

At about six years old, her father had left and come back more times than she could count, and then one day he just never came back. Her mother was diagnosed with depression, and had troubles looking after her for many years in her life. It had changed the two of them, they both so different to what they were before he left, despite Y/N being young.

Y/N lived in a quiet house, one full of sadness. There was no laughter, no smiles. It was just occupied by her mother and herself. Her mother turned to drinking regularly, and found herself in the hospital enough times that she couldn’t keep track anymore. Y/N looked after her mother more than her mother looked after her, and it took a toll on her.

She couldn’t deal with it after three years, so she decided to figure her life out. She was midst her way through elementary when it was found out that she had a higher intelligence than most people her age, which resulted in her moving up almost two year levels. She was the youngest in her class, and it was scary.

If you think I make decisions based off of what you think, then you're wrong

Can't nobody think for me, I got my own thoughts

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it's all gone, 'til it's all gone

If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life

Yeah, I had to think smart

Threw away the deck and got my own cards

Long before I had the money to afford a car

She was amongst kids almost two years older, and being smarter than them? That was a problem for some of those kids. They didn’t like that someone who was a year a half younger than them, was also smarter than them. It then resulted to her being bullied, until she went to a different high school to everyone she had known in primary school.

She graduated high school and decided she wanted to write poetry and study history. It was when she was in college, that things had started looking up. She was still being judged, but she knew it come with the territory. She’d made a few good friends, and that was when she met Shawn. Shawn, the musician major, the kid that slipped his way into her heart without her even realising until it was too late.

They’d started getting to know one another, until one day he asked her to be his girlfriend. That was the start of the best time in her life, she forgot about her past more and more with Shawn beside her because he was too busy making more memories to replace her old ones.

They’d dated all throughout college, even until Shawn had gotten a record deal for Island Records in New York City. He was over the moon about it, and Y/N supported him all throughout his rise to fame, while she wrote poems to the side of being a history tutor. Shawn absolutely loved her poems, to the point that he’d even recreated them into his own words to make them lyrics.

They were the strongest couple out there. They barely fought, and if they did, it was usually something major, but they came out stronger than ever. Shawn stuck by her side even throughtout the days she wasn’t feeling like herself, up until one day, he just snapped.

I–I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me

He couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore. It was putting pressure on his career, and he didn’t want to risk anything. Their relationship then ended, after four and a half years, just days before Shawn was supposed to be going on his second world tour. It shattered Y/N, as she now had nobody to get help from. Her mother abandoned her before she graduated high school, so she was stuck fending for herself, until a middle aged couple found her and took her in as their own.

She’d never been happier after being taken in by the couple. They treated her like family, and gave her everything she needed to be successful. They taught her most things she knew, but also taught her things she never would have learnt if they hadn’t of taken her in. She was grateful for the two of them, as she wouldn’t have gotten this far.

She’d been offered a job after college, to work for a newspaper who often added a page to writers for short stories or even poems. Y/N’s work had been added several times, which landed her a job at one the biggest publishing company’s in New York. She’d been so occupied that she didn’t even bother to check any of her social media, unless she was on there just to post her newest poem she’d made up.

Most of my life's full of regrets

Things I wanna take back, yeah

Wrote you a letter, wish that I had never sent that

Didn't even make sense, I don't even know

All I know is I get lower on the weekends

They tell me I should make friends, I just sit at home

Lately, I've been off the deep end, yeah

I've been off the deep end and

She never got distracted on social media. Shawn and herself hadn’t spoken in months, not since the break up, but she kind of glad. They’d ended on such bad terms that she wasn’t sure that she’d even speak to him again after what he’d said to her, if they ever ran into one another again.

She did miss him though, and all the memories that they made. She had never been happier than after she had been adopted. It was the best time in her life, and she’d finally grown more as a person. She was changing, and growing stronger every day without him.

But deep down inside of her, she still cared about him. She knew it wouldn’t be good to text or call him, so she decided to send him an old fashioned letter. But in the end, with the response she had gotten about not wanting to stay friends, deal with her problems, or even be friends with her.

If you think that I'm 'bout to change who I am just for you then you're so wrong

As I kid I built a house around my broke cars

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it falls apart, 'til it falls apart

If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life

Yeah, I had to think smart

Threw away the deck and got my own cards

Long before I had the money to afford a car

She’d suddenly gotten lower than she ever had been before, and her adoptive parents said it’d be best if she made some friends, and she tried, but she found herself in the bottom of a bottle like her mother. That was her worst fear, to turn out like her mother had. She hated the fact that she’d turned to drinking, and she wished she could change her decision.

She’d then found herself a friend that helped her through everything. She’d learnt of everything that had happened in Y/N’s life up until that moment, and she didn’t run or hide. She stayed by her side more than Shawn did. It scared her, opening up to someone again, after what Shawn had done.

Sometimes it’d scared her so much that she found herself dreaming of him and what they used to be before everything went to shit. Many nights she had spent waking up in tears, just wishing everything went to the way before Shawn and herself broke up, because he was one of the best things that had happened to her.

I've been doin' me (oh)

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me (I have been)

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me (followin' my)

I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me (I've been followin' my)

Yeah, I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I'm just doin' me

Yeah, I'm just doin' me

She still continued to write her poems however, and she was still as passionate as she was five and a half years ago. Nothing in her career had changed, because of her traumatic past fuelled her to write more meaningful poems. Many turning back around to being about Shawn.

It showed. People figured it out, quite quickly too, which scared her. She hoped that Shawn hadn’t figured them out yet, because she didn’t want him to know that she still cared, despite everything that happened. She’d grown as a person, she’d sort of moved on, she’d got a new family, and she had a new friend. What more could she want?

Shawn. That’s what she wanted. That’s what she’d wanted since the moment they broke up. She’d never shed so many tears after their break up, crying for days on end, feeling herself become lower and lower, only for nobody to be by her side to help her cope with that.

Yeah, I'm reminiscin' back to both of us laughin'

Playin' old records thinkin' every one of 'em's classic

Windows down, we on the street up in Michigan rappin'

We talked about it, but never really knew it could happen

My confidence about as low as the gas is

We didn't have the money for it, so we'd turn the key backwards

And sit in parking lots for hours 'til the battery crashes

I think that we related 'cause both of us were lookin' for answers

A couple months ago I drove into Gladwin, got me all in my feelings

It's somethin' 'bout bein' somewhere that's familiar

Pull in the gas station, open up the tank then I fill it then laugh

Would I move back? Mm, not in a million, but I appreciate the memories that we had

I know you've been callin', sorry I never call back

I know I've been distant, you know I never meant that

You can tell the family how I'm doing if they ask

I'm just doin' me

Shawn was different though. He had so many people he could ask for help, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to admit that all of his problems were because of his ex-girlfriend, who had problems since the moment she was old enough to understand what was one. He didn’t want to tell anybody what his songs were about, because he just couldn’t.

He felt like it’d betray the trust he once had with Y/N, before he snapped and everything went down hill. She put so much trust in him that it physically hurt, because she was constantly a reminder of how much trust he could put into somebody.

He couldn’t do anything now. She was far to gone from her old self, that she wouldn’t even be able to help him with everything that went downhill for him. Everything went downhill after they broke up, but now, the only thing he could do was dream of what they used to be.