#which is probably silly but !!! at some point i became terrified of interacting w others and idk why LOL i'm not sure what happened

[dandyshucks]

noticing a mutual has been inactive for a month and then awkwardly hovering over the DM button unsure if u should msg them to check in on them or not

[universal-kitty]

.: Day 4 - F/O February :.

First date

   Let’s play catch up again, shall we? Notes: Kurama/Me. The first date, all those years ago...before anything else was known of him, aside from that lovely, kind boy at school. Pre-Yu Yu Hakusho canon.

   “Would you...be willing to go on a date with me??” Rachel’s heart still hadn’t calmed a beat since asking Shuichi that very question yesterday, just before a certain redhead escaped her reach at the end of the school day. Having a crush on him a long time... Honestly, ever since she’d taken the biggest fall in human history while trying to get to her next class. Not only had he helped her up, but helped gather her things, walk her to the nurse’s office, and make sure she was okay before he headed out.

   Was it probably silly? Oh, definitely. That’s probably just...infatuation, isn’t it? But yet, Rachel still felt drawn to him. An attraction that couldn’t be explained and that bothered her every day, him nearly always on her mind. That kind personality that made him so popular in school, as well as with a headstrong attitude that meant nobody dared step on his toes. Trying to start a fight with Shuichi... Who’d be dumb enough to do that?!

   ...Who’d be dumb enough to ask him out after school, even after countless other people had tried and been rejected...?

   What Rachel hadn’t expected, was for him to smile, nod, and say, “I’d love to,” and...give her directions to his favorite cafe near the edge of the city, where they could have a proper, quiet date.

   It felt like a dream. It felt...like maybe it could be a lie or some horrible joke. But...if there was one thing Rachel was, it was a hopeless romantic who trusted too easily. Who got ready that day in a daze, dressing cute, and headed out for the train station, to ride out to the edge of the city, and to the cafe he directed her towards.

   ...It wasn’t a lie. It was the first thing she realized, eyes wide at the cafe window. His shockingly red hair was easily spotted in the earthly tones of the cafe, sitting patiently. She was a few minutes late, which bothered her, but... Had he been perfectly on time? Waiting here for her?

   Walking through a door never felt so dramatic.

   “There you are... Over here!” He waved her over, smile so warm and charming that it sent Rachel’s heart into a fit, flushing before he ever had to do a thing. Hands onto onto her bag tightly as she walked over, sliding into the seat opposite him. “Were you able to find this place okay?”

   “Y-Yes... Though I must admit, I’m still getting used to the train. I was so scared that I’d miss my stop, that I almost did!” He laughed at that, her heart skipping a few more beats. He was so handsome... It wasn’t fair. How did-? Why??

   “As long as you got here safely and without incident... I’m happy,” he assured. Well. That might’ve actually killed her. Ignoring her slow death, Shuichi turned to the menu behind him, gesturing to it. “Want anything? I’ll order it for you. Of course, it’d only be right if I covered for this date...”

   “A-Are you sure?” Sure, he wasn’t wrong, but somehow...she just had to make sure. “I don’t mind-”

   “Don’t worry about it.” He looked back at her, green eyes so bright and soft and kind... “I’ve actually noticed you before. You’re so shy and still learning Japanese, but... I’ve seen how kind you are. Always trying your best to be understanding and forgiving. Fit into the roles we make... It’s incredibly admirable of you. Truth be told... I was hoping we could interact more, but school’s kept us both busy, it seems. That’s why I’m actually really glad you asked me out, ahaha.”

   .......Ah. So death...was like this, huh? He only giggled more at the bright blush on Rachel’s face, the poor girl needing to drop her head into her hands. A vain attempt to hide- done too late, to boot- but a valiant effort, all the same. At least, in Shuichi’s eyes.

   “So...? What do you want to order?”

   A few hours passed in good spirits in that cafe, talking about whatever came to mind. Shuichi admitted to his mother getting sick recently, and how he was looking for ways to help her. Rachel talked about what it was like to be a foreign transfer student, as well as some impromptu studying and tips on Shuichi’s part. Things that would help her study and remember things better.

   Something done far better with him than with anyone else thus far.

   “Well... Mind joining me? I have more things planned, after all,” he said, sighing a little as he got up, offering a hand to her. She glanced at it, a small smile growing on her face, before reaching out her own hand to take it.

   “Oh yeah? What else do you have planned?”

   “Nothing I can tell you. You’ll just have to trust me,” he hummed, smile turning more into a full on, playful grin as he helped Rachel out of her seat.

   “Mysterious... Suppose I will have to trust you.”

   “I’d hope so,” he shot back, laughing. “Otherwise, I think this would get pretty awkward.” Less so awkward, moreso terrifying, she thought, rolling her eyes. But he was right on that much... If there was no trust here, this could go from “cute date between two high school students” to “body of a young woman found” real damn quick.

   ...Not to be morbid, but worries like this still persist, even in a place that feels as lax as Japan. (...Or maybe that just increases concern? After all, the police aren’t exactly...well..... You know. Great at their jobs. Nor is the legal system that great, either... It’s all so many layers of a hot mess.)

   At least that became a topic of conversation on the train, getting one of the emptier cars and having a full blown discussion of thefts and attacks in Japan compared to America.

   “...I just still can’t believe your bike and umbrella are more in danger here than your life,” Rachel huffed. “Like? You guys don’t worry about leaving your phones and/or belongs behind at all! That’s fine and safe, but gods help you if didn’t chain your bike down hard enough.” Shuichi laughed into his fist, grinning.

   “Sure, but isn’t that more relaxing?”

   “I’m stressed all the time,” she whined, slouching a little to make her point before straightening up again. “If anything, trying to adjust to where my stresses need to go is giving me a doozy.”

   “Still. Isn’t there something positive to living here?” There was a certain gleam to his eye that had her heart stuttering and cheeks warming, but- as usual- she rolled around his subtle implication to instead be a bit more teasing.

   “Well... I guess having authentic ramen is such a big bonus...and not paying over retail cost for items due to shipping and such,” she admitted, leaning back and just to the side that she and Shuichi were shoulder to shoulder. He raised a brow at the response...but pushed into the contact with a small, low hum.

   “Gosh, only that...? How mean.”

   “How so?” Rachel fluttered her lashes at him, absolutely playing her obliviousness up to the max. He smiled at it, but any attempt at further playing up this act was lost when he leaned in, eyes lidded and noses a mere inch away from each other.

   “Well,” he muttered, voice low, “I was hoping there could be...something more to make you stay.... Something like that...could be worth something else, you know?” Uh, no. Did not know, because at that very moment, Rachel’s brain short circuited into an abyss previously unknown. Complete, total blue screen. The only notion left in her brain was that, maybe, he might-?

   But then Shuichi pulled back with a bright, innocent grin, the moment over just as quickly as it had begun, leaving her mentally reeling on the seat. Unsure of what to make of that moment...

   What the heck just happened?

   “Ah, sorry... Was that too mean?”

   “W-Well, not mean... But,” Rachel finally remembered how to breathe, putting a hand on her chest to feel her racing heartbeat. (Shuichi found that ridiculously adorable, glancing at it before back up to her distant gaze.) “that... I mean.” She sighed, shaking her head. “I think you might’ve broken me.”

   “Sorry,” he apologized, laughing a little. “I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.”

   The next destination was a museum a little ways out, still on the edge of the city...and dedicated to art. Rachel was honestly more excited than she first thought to go in, eagerly striding from painting to painting. Amazingly, Shuichi knew some of the history for certain pieces- some more than others, of course- and was able to provide some low conversation for them. It added to the experience, with Rachel gushing over each historical piece that she happened to know or when it featured a kami or mythical creature.

   Much to Shuichi’s silent joy, she especially loved to gush about the kitsune and their tricky ways. Especially praising their shapeshifting and how much she wished she could do that... (It did make him raise a brow, but if she didn’t notice, then he wouldn’t. Some things were worth figuring out on their own time.)

   “Just kitsunes?” He asked, holding her hand as they left the museum. At some point, it had become a necessity...mostly because he too often found himself standing alone when she’d seen something interesting and had wandered off. The final straw had been her wandering into a room across the hall and Shuichi worrying for a moment that he’d lost her.

   After that, hand holding had become the only way to keep her on track.

   “Mm, I think I do have a preference for them, but I also...kinda like tanuki, too. Such cute little tricksters! Though I’m...really not going to get over-”

   “The ballsack thing?” They said at the same time, the two bursting into laughter at the same time.

   “Yeah!! What an idea...” Rachel shook her head, a smile still bright on her face. “But I also appreciate the Yuki-onna... I think the ones that stick out to me are the ones that just come from the most interesting of places and have a really interesting, deep meaning to me- Oh!! And the bakeneko and nekomata!”

   “Even though they’re violent?” A pause. “Well, the nekomata, especially.”

   “Mhm. I can’t quite help it... I love all cats. Even if nekomata hate me, I’d love them a whole bunch.” Shuichi shook his head, smile still there, but... Good grief. Of course he’d have a crush on the one with no true sense of danger in her head... (But at the same time, he deeply appreciated it. He really did like her a lot, so the truth would have to come out sooner or later...)

   “I see... Ah, wait a minute. Then does that mean you like manekineko a lot, too?”

   “Of course I do!” Rachel gasped, almost sounding offended by the question. Though the look she was doing...! Shuichi almost gave in to laughter immediately! (Though to be polite and hear her out, he held it in.) “Manekineko are cats, too, aren’t they? So of course I’d love them!!”

   “Hmm... Kamaitachi?”

   “Scary,” she admitted with a nod, “but I like them in their own way, too.”

   “Are they any beasts you don’t like?” It had to be asked. So far, he couldn’t tell if there really was any yokai she didn’t like! Was it even possible? She thought about it a moment, head tilted as they walked on, hand in hand.

   “...Hmm. I guess...it would be that bathroom lady. That’s horrifying no matter which way you look at it.” Bathroom...lady? It took him a moment before he turned to her, blinking.

   “Do...you mean Aka Manto? That’s a man!”

   “It is?!” The shocked surprise had him laughing all over again, a curled fist slightly covering his mouth as he did. “Wh... But he hides in women’s bathrooms?!? That’s...” He only laughed harder at the look of confusion on her face, needing to wipe away tears by the time he could manage to straighten himself up and control his laughter.

   “Well... I’m glad I could be here for this revelation.”

   “....Aka Manto is a pervert,” she muttered, frowning.

   “Now, now, don’t say that. He might target you next, you know.” Rachel shuddered, holding his hand a little tighter and walking closer to Shuichi, not looking at him. Missing the way his eyes softened fondly at the act.

   “Don’t even joke about that... I might avoid using public bathrooms.”

   “Hey, it’s okay... If anything happens to you, I’ll be there for you, okay? Even if I have to seem like a perv.” It was silent for a long moment, Rachel looking thoughtful before finally muttering, “You know... That’s weirdly comforting. Thanks, Minamino.”

   “Hey... You don’t have to use my last name, you know.” Rachel blinked, looking up at him. At first with a slightly surprised expression, though he could soon see her cheeks flush a little brighter.

   “Um... Are you sure? I don’t want to be impolite or anything, since I know-”

   “I’m allowing it,” he assured, laughing softly. “We’re certainly closer than before, don’t you think?” He swung their hands a little, proving his point. “So please... It’s okay. I’ll call you by your first name, too. Alright, Rachel?” If no honorific was an honor enough, then what sealed the deal was him tugging her forward and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

   Today was just a full day of being mentally broken into emotional pieces, huh...?

   “Th-Thanks...Suichi...”

   “It’s no problem~”

   The sun was setting by the time they both made it back to the city, but while Shuichi admitted to plans of going to a fancy restaurant...Rachel admitted to being unable to handle the formality of that. Not to mention, the prices! He was already paying for everything today, so the deep seeded need for him to take it easier on his wallet... He wasn’t too sold on the idea, but eventually gave into the cute, anxious bouncing she was doing while trying to convince him otherwise.

   And so, the day was being closed out with a compromise: getting fast food to go and heading out to a nearby park to instead have a little picnic while the sun was setting.

   “I’ll admit...not a bad choice,” Shuichi mused, popping another fry into his mouth. “Getting to admire the sunset like this while having food... Though we should have a proper picnic sometime.”

   “Mm, that’d be nice,” Rachel agreed, completely missing his hint... It not sinking in until a chicken nugget was already in her mouth, staring at him in shock with a bulge in her cheek when it finally sunk in, Shuichi watching her hurry to eat it in order to speak. “W-Wait! You-? You want to...?”

   “Go on another date with you?” She nodded, eyes wide behind her glasses. “Well, of course. I already knew you were something special before...today’s just proven that. I’m already glad I waited for you to gain the courage to ask me out... You really think this would be just a one time thing? That I’d be that mean?” Rachel looked down at her lap, cheeks flushed, and shrugged. Shuichi’s eyes went wide, sure that he heard his heart just crack.

   “I don’t know... Maybe? You’re super popular and I’m just...kinda plain, actually. I...was honestly kinda wondering when.....this would be revealed as an elaborate joke...” His shoulders sagged, the playful atmosphere fading away into something more somber. Had... Had someone hurt her before? That couldn’t be a thing someone just...thought.

   “Hey.” He took her hand gently, pulling it between them and holding onto it was just enough pressuring to be reassuring. Waiting for her to meet his eyes, kind, yet determined. “I’m not that kind of person. Don’t let your brain lie to you like that. You must have heard of the many people I’ve turned down... I... Heh. I’ll admit,” he murmured, tone now far more gentle and painfully sincere, “I wasn’t interested in dating until you. I have...a lot of secrets. Secrets I don’t want others to get involved in...but I trust you, for some reason. Drawn to you, to the point where I meant it before, when I said I’d protect you from any mean yokai that might try to harm you.

   “It’s extremely forward of me to say this so early on, I know...” He leaned forward, pleased when Rachel leaned forward, too. Their foreheads touching and staring deeply into each other’s eyes. “But I also want to show you how much this really means to me, so... You, Rachel, are incredibly dear to me already. I know I can trust you with all my secrets someday... So please. Keep smiling in that beautiful way that you do. Laugh so warmly, that I feel at peace...and when the truth comes out, I hope you accept me as I am.” She seemed understandably confused, but nodded quietly, a smile slowly growing on her face again.

   “...Okay.”

   “I’ll walk you home. It’s only right.”

   “Oh... Okay. Thank you, Shuichi.”

   The walk home was a quiet affair, their hands linked together more easily as they walked through the suburban areas with ease and calm. Streetlights helped, but something about the redhead’s presence made everything feel more reassuring. Nothing to fear with him around...

   And his coat on her shoulders.

   “Here we are, princess,” he hummed, twirling her forward and then giving a wink when Rachel faced him. “Have fun?”

   “Way more than I would’ve ever expected... Thank you.” She laughed and he brightened up, nodding. “I... I really look forward to our next one.”

   “As do I.” He kissed her hand, nudging her home.

   “Ah, but... Your jacket?”

   “Give it to me, tomorrow, if you wish.” Rachel gaped at him, not at all oblivious to his intentions. He really was going to make it obvious they’d been on a date! To the whole damn school!! “...Or not. I don’t mind.”

   “You’re....” She sighed, shaking her head.

   “I’m me. And that’s what matters,” he hummed, a smug tone to his voice as he leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. “See you tomorrow at school, Rachel. Study hard, too!”

   ...Leaving her there at the gate, flustered, heated with embarrassment, and reeling...and not knowing how deep into his life and his world she truly was. Not until later that following week...

   But that’s a story for another time.

[neondnp]

my ii m&g experience ♥

(long rambling and pic spam ahead)

arriving + waiting in line

prior to and upon arriving at the venue, i was SO incredibly nervous to the point that it nearly overpowered my excitement. my heart had been racing all week and my stomach was in knots. i’d been anticipating this very day for almost a year and i was absolutely terrified that something would go wrong. i kept having thoughts like, “what if there’s a ton of unexpected traffic backed up for hours and i miss the meet and greet?” “what if there’s something wrong with my ticket??” “what if i forget something important and i’m denied access?” “what if i DIE before i get there!?” luckily, none of my delusional fears from my panicked state of mind came true and most of my anxiety disappeared after i was given my wristband.

meeting and conversing with the lovely new friends i made in line put me at enough ease that my ability to comprehend the intense reality of the situation was beginning to vanish. everything was too dreamlike to feel real. was i really mere minutes away from meeting my idols??

suddenly, everyone started screaming. i looked up and saw phil standing at the rail. i nearly had a damn heart attack!! that’s phil! he literally looks like an angel! i heard dan’s voice from the other corner and turned around to see him right above us! that’s dan!! he glows! o m g !! there they are!! in person! holy s*** that’s actually them!!! whatever they said to us either completely went over my head or was entirely forgotten because i don’t recall any of it. this was the most surreal moment of my life.

shoutout to the girl on twitter who filmed some of this and caught my reaction after they waved and left lmao

i guess this is what my mind being completely blown looks like??!?

my adrenaline was through the roof, but i was too stupefied to feel emotional yet. my throat was drying as the line in front of me gradually got shorter. the lack of air conditioning upstairs didn’t help. i was close enough to talk to marianne (a queen, btw) about what i wanted to give them. i had a letter from a friend and two of my ii themed d&p drawings that i made into magnets. she told me she would keep them and give them to dan and phil after the meet and greet. disappointing, but understandable. i wrote my name on the magnets but they won’t have a clue who i am. oh well. here’s what they look like:

before i knew it, it was my turn to meet them. a friend i met in line agreed to film my meet and greet but was too nervous to do so once we approached our turns. although it sucks to not have footage, i fully understand having anxiety. she’s very sweet and i’d never want to cause her any stress.

the actual meeting and greeting:

before i get into the personal details and talk about my interaction with them, i’ll describe their irl voices and appearances. 

i’d say they sound exactly the same in person. they don’t necessarily look any different from how they do in pictures and videos, just more radiant; especially phil. his hair somehow looks even darker irl and there’s an indescribably beautiful contrast between his black hair, vibrant eyes, and pale skin. it makes him look otherworldly. his features are sharp. dan’s stubble is actually quite prominent, even from a distance. his features are soft. there’s not really much else to say about his appearance; he’s just as gorgeous in the flesh as he is on a screen. they were just as tall as i expected them to be so i wasn’t alarmed by their height. it did, however, feel different to look up at them and see them from a new (significantly lower) angle as opposed to seeing them from an eye-level camera angle. the same can be said about viewing them on stage from a close orchestra seat.

now, onto the good part! i wish i could remember more details, but meeting them was such a blur that i didn’t feel like it even happened at all until the next day (more on that later). most of my dreams are more vivid than this memory is. my brain was majorly lagging from the moment i was far enough ahead in line to be off the stairs, and my entire consciousness seemed to exist in some alternate dimension when i walked toward their direction to be greeted. i remember one or both of them saying, “hiii!” and dan saying “thanks for coming to see us!” i remember phil instantly opening his arms and asking if i wanted a hug. i think i said, “hi! yes i do!” i remember it being so much easier to talk to them than i thought it would be. words came naturally despite having very little awareness of what i was saying and—due to being in such a daze—completely forgetting to say any of the important things i’ve always wanted to tell them. they were both so warm, gentle, and welcoming. i was too out of it to realize this at the time, but looking back, they treated me like i was an old friend of theirs; like i was someone who mattered. that warms my heart. they genuinely care about making us feel comfortable and relaxed.

dan did most of the talking. i don’t remember what either of their hugs felt like, but i do remember dan giving me one of his awkward “dan hugs” lol. dan and i were both wearing striped shirts and he said that we were “totally coordinated with our stripes” which made me WAY happier than it should have, but oh man i was BEAMING. “we are!”

when phil asked if i’d like to have something signed, i took out a print of the two portraits i drew of them. “yes, can you sign my art please?” after handing the print to them, dan said, “oh my god did you draw these??” and i responded with something dumb like, “i did! it took me like my entire life but yeah!!” i really wish i could have seen them react to my drawings, but i didn’t think to look at their faces when i showed them. in fact, i’m not even sure if i made eye contact with them at all. they complimented me on my art but i don’t remember what they said. i'm not 100% certain, but i think dan called it incredible.

dan offered to take the selfie so i handed him my phone and we all got close and smiled for the camera. i noticed from other people’s meet and greet pics that phil had a tendency to lean his head in next to fans, but i’d of course forgotten about this detail. i was so weak later on when i saw how close our faces were in the group photo, w o w !! i asked if we could take individual pictures as well and dan said, “of course!”

this is the part i remember the most clearly. taking individual pictures was almost like hugging them again, only better because i was a little more aware—i was almost able to actually process it this time. looking at them you’d expect to feel nothing but firmness and bones, but they’re both delightfully squishy; especially dan. they’re two tall adorable teddy bears. dan fondly said, “thank you philip” when phil took our picture and it was the cutest thing. after the pictures were taken, i thanked them for about the tenth time. i remember saying “thank you” and “thank you so much” to almost everything they said and did. i probably would have thanked them if they accidentally stepped on my foot or dropped my phone. they told me to enjoy the show and i thanked them once more. i wished them a good show and at some point i think i said, “it was really nice meeting you.” we waved and said our goodbyes to each other.

and then it was over.

wait, it’s over. what the hell just happened?

i literally forgot everything on the spot.

everything happened so rapidly and it ended before i had even begun to take any of it in. i really wish i could have absorbed the moment more. i wish i could have said more. this may sound silly, but none of it felt real. it didn’t initially feel like, “aah i just met dan and phil!!” instead, it felt more like, “...did i really meet dan and phil? wouldn’t i have remembered meeting them if it really happened?” i was so disappointed in myself. how was i that spaced out the whole time? i expected a more emotional experience, but it was all so surreal that i wasn’t even in touch with reality, let alone with my emotions. i didn’t know how to react, so i blanked out into a strange semiconscious state and i hated myself for it. 

i went on to realize that meeting them was indeed a very emotional experience; i just needed to fully recover from my daze for it to hit me. while most of my memory is still a blur, several small details came back to me the following day bit by bit. it was enough for me to look back on and miss. it took me days to recall everything i wrote about above. i did cry. i was emotionally impacted, just not right away. it had to catch up with me. meeting them was absolutely amazing. looking at my pictures and signed artwork elates me. i actually met dan and phil!

even though i didn’t say what i wanted to, i’m grateful that i managed to talk to them at all. i was so sure i’d either stumble over my words or end up speaking in my stupid high-pitched nervous voice. i was also afraid i’d cry in front of them and i didn’t. it went smoothly and i survived. i have a few regrets, but i still loved it. i loved them.

i’d do it again in a heartbeat.

yes i was very extra with the editing but these pics mean a lot to me and i wanted them to look the best they could

what i didn’t get to say: 

@danielhowell @amazingphil thank you for inspiring so much creativity, motivation, and passion within me. you guys are the reason i wanted to start drawing again. you’re the reason why i stopped immediately giving up. you’re the reason i’ve met so many spectacular people and became part of such a diverse and extraordinary community. you guys give me a reason to smile. i love you, thank you for everything ♥ - alexis

[cookinguptales]

So this came up on Twitter yesterday and I thought I’d post about it on Tumblr today. Frankly speaking, I’ve got a lot of young followers and this is some truth I wish someone had taught me when I was a lot younger because I would’ve gone through a lot less stress.

I know we’re all starved for outside validation on this site, but I wanna talk to you about when compliments are used by creeps. Now, you probably know about negging (when someone uses a backhanded compliment on you to make you feel bad about yourself, often in order to pick you up more easily — i.e. “you’re really pretty for a fat girl”), creepy sexualized comments on the street, etc. But I’m talking about really nice compliments about your work or your personality or your drive. Even the sweetest compliment can be used as a weapon.

(All this is going to be a pretty gendered discussion; I in no way want to say that only guys can be creeps and only women have been socialized in the ways I’m about to discuss, but, well. Let’s all be real here, there are definite patterns.)

Discussion under a cut for length and possible triggers

I don’t want to get into a lot of my own painful personal experiences with creepy guys, but I do have to bring up some examples from my own life, so I’ll use one particular guy as a case study. Let’s call him Dick. (Look, I never claimed to be mature.) I’ve had these experiences with guys IRL, but Dick was a guy I met online. At first, Dick was my friend. He clearly had a bit of a crush, but seemed to accept it when I said I wasn’t interested. It was nice having a bud who shared my interests and I knew he had some issues with socializing, so at first I was pretty patient with his problems with boundaries. But by the time my longstanding friendship with Dick ended, he had become a full-blown stalker — and my friends were on his side.

How did this happen? Well, my friends, it’s the art of the public compliment. Dick was All About Me. He loved me. He treated me right. He praised me for my mind and my heart, and he didn’t care who heard him do it. Or so I thought. It took a long time for me to realize it, but he cared very much who heard it. That was exactly why he said it. To be heard.

Over time, I started to become more and more uncomfortable with Dick’s attentions. He wanted to talk about me more than he did the media we’d bonded over. He kept talking about how our (respective) children would grow up together, and would maybe fall in love. (???) He told me that he’d gone to a place I often vacation at — and he’d looked around for tangible traces of me. Long story short, Dick had become pretty creepy.

But, like many women, my first instinct in this situation was to be nice. I wanted to go to him privately and have a polite conversation about all this. And, to his credit, he seemed truly and honestly repentant. Until he did it again. It became a pattern of me trying to establish boundaries and Dick stomping all over them. Finally, despite feeling guilty, I told him he was really upsetting me and I wanted him to leave me alone for a while.

This is when the second creepy pattern emerged. The compliment trap. When I told him to stop contacting me, he didn’t…technically. He didn’t talk to me. He talked about me. He publicly talked about what a great person I was. How smart. How kind. How forgiving. He said it to my friends. He said it to people I respected. And he tagged me.

Now, this looked nice on the outside. He was just complimenting a woman he respects! How nice! But on my side of things, it felt like a trap. All of my friends were waiting for me to acknowledge these compliments. The situation left me with three choices: thank him (in a demure, polite way befitting a modest woman, ofc) and be forced to interact with a man I’d told to leave me alone,  ignore him and look like a stuck up bitch, or say publicly that he’s a creep — which would make me look like I was “hysterical”. (See: rape culture, women “overreacting”, punishing men who “just want to be nice”, etc.)

Left with this choice, I chose option #1. I chose option #1 a bunch of times. Because this would become a pattern. I’d tell him to stop contacting me, he’d do this public complimenting game, I’d feel like I had to interact with him — and worse, I’d question my own feelings of fear. I’d say “Well, look how nice he’s being. Maybe he’s just awkward. He clearly likes me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe I really was overreacting.” And I’d talk to him again. Until he’d ask me for my address for a Christmas card or something.

And I didn’t realize for a really long time that he wasn’t being nice! This behavior! It was not nice! It was deeply emotionally manipulative! He’d put this horrible emotional onus on me to forgive and forgive and forgive, steadily gaslighting me into forgetting how scared I’d been until I blamed myself for being so quick to react… and let him back into my life. Because this was all public. All our “fighting” happened in private. All those times I begged him to just ease up a little were privy to only the two of us. All our friends, all my support system, only saw a nice boy with a crush praising a girl he liked and her refusing to give him the time of day.

Guess what happened when I finally put my foot down and stopped engaging when he did this? Oh boy. Oh boy. He started sending me literally dozens of messages a day, sometimes over a hundred. Have you ever had a person sending you @s on tumblr and twitter, private messages on tumblr and twitter, public and private messages on Facebook, emails, LJ messages, IMs on two different clients, and forum messages? Every single goddamn day? Dozens of times? Have you ever had a guy start showing interest in something you know he never liked before — just so he can “coincidentally” run into you on every community you’ve ever joined?

Honestly, I was so stressed. In tears all the time. My school work was suffering. No matter how many times I tried to tell him to stop, to avoid him, etc., he just kept going. I told him that we were done. No more forgiveness. I wanted absolutely zero contact — and I wanted him to never mention me on social media again. I didn’t want him to @ me. I didn’t want him to say my name. I didn’t want him to make thinly veiled sad posts about me. Zero contact. If he did that, I wouldn’t block him on every single platform and tell everyone we knew.

Yeah, I was dumb. I still wanted to be nice and polite. He’d been my friend, y’know? I didn’t want to ruin his life. I just wanted him to stop ruining mine. Even then, I didn’t understand how manipulative he’d been. I still believed he was just kind of awkward, and that I was probably the dick for being unable to deal with it. After all, I’d been friends with him, right? I’d encouraged him, right? It’d felt good to have someone like me so much, right?

(Yeah, until it didn’t.)

I almost got out this time, though. He almost made it. Sure, he “accidentally” replied to my posts every few weeks. (Somehow I didn’t put together that even though I’d unfollowed him, he clearly hadn’t unfollowed me. I guess I just thought that he’d kept seeing my posts when our mutual friends replied to them.) I felt pretty good. In fact, I was at a point where I felt almost silly for being upset in the first place. And then our mutual friends started asking me why we weren’t talking as much. He’d liked me so much. We’d had such good conversations. They talked about maybe reconnecting with him. After all, they’d only ever seen him being nice.

And god help me, I said okay. I figured he must have grown! Learned his lesson! Nah, that fucker was back to sending me tons of messages, talking to my friends (who did not know him), inserting himself in conversations I was having with others, making plans for the children I never wanted to have, etc.

I finally blocked him. E v e r y w h e r e. And I felt so fucking relieved that I was actually angry with myself for not doing it earlier. This man had harassed me for years, and I’d been the one to feel guilty over it.

Still private, I contacted our mutual friends and told them very briefly that he’d been harassing me and I was cutting off contact. I asked them to support me. Some people did.

A lot of people didn’t.

They’d only seen his public face. They’d only seen the avalanche of love and compliments. He hadn’t known better!! He just didn’t know how to express his feelings!! Next thing I knew, they were forwarding messages from him to me. Even after I’d blocked the fucker, he was still using compliments and romantic gestures to get to me! Through the people I’d trusted!

I’d finally had enough and was very public about this man who’d harassed me. I told people everything I’d been putting up with. I aired all our dirty laundry that I’d tried so hard to keep politely private. And some people believed me.

But a lot of people didn’t.

(This, coincidentally, is why I don’t answer tumblr asks privately anymore, not unless the person specifically asks me to and they haven’t been creepy at all. I had another guy pull this on me and I found myself in this same position again and all I had was private harassment. So no more of that! Public contact all the way.)

But Sarah, you say, isn’t this an isolated incident? Why are you making this huge tumblr post about one guy? Well, number one, it wasn’t one guy. This happened to me several times before I recognized that this wasn’t one man — this was a pattern of behavior that many men share. Number two, it speaks to wider issues that I’d like to address.

Media pushes this idea that if a girl is mad at you, you just have to work hard to be romantic and win her back. Piss her off? Hold up a boom box outside her window! Romantic, right? No, bruh, you’re lurking outside a girl’s bedroom window when she said she doesn’t be around you. She’s terrified and you’re being a creep. This isn’t gonna win her back. It’s just going to tell her you don’t know how to respect her boundaries.

Women are socialized to be nice even when they’re scared. We’re supposed to ignore the alarm bells in our head because it’s not socially acceptable to pull away. When we are complimented, we are supposed to acknowledge it graciously. When someone likes us, we are supposed to like them back. If we draw strong boundaries and enforce them, we often face strong social consequences. I’m here to tell you that every one of those consequences is worth it to help you feel safe.

Hell, I’ll reiterate it. It’s okay to be a bitch. Don’t sacrifice your mental and emotional well being for someone else’s. Women are supposed to be self-sacrificial, too… but you don’t have to be. A truly good person wouldn’t want you to be.

A PERSON WHO REALLY LIKES AND RESPECTS YOU WILL NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL UNSAFE AROUND THEM. IF THEY’RE OKAY WITH YOU BEING SCARED OF THEM, THIS IS A DEEPLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Compliments are not always kind!! You do not always need to be grateful for them! Even nice compliments, ones that are more “you have beautiful writing” vs “nice tits”, can be utilized to emotionally manipulate you and those around you. If a compliment is making you uncomfortable because of the context in which it’s given, you do not need to even acknowledge it. It doesn’t make you stuck up or a bitch. Compliments are supposed to build you up and make you feel good, y’know? If it’s hurting you, it’s still a shitty compliment and that’s on them.

We’re taught that it’s best to be discreet. Naw, man. Be as public as possible, especially if someone’s giving you weird vibes. Keep things on the public record. Like, don’t be an asshole or anything, don’t publicize private information, but you don’t have to keep your conflict in the dark away from prying eyes. That’s only going to benefit the person hurting you… because there will be no established pattern of behavior. Establish establish establish.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, no one is owed your attentions. It doesn’t matter if they like you. It doesn’t matter if they do nice things for you. It doesn’t matter if there’s social pressure to acknowledge them and/or their efforts. It doesn’t matter if they do every single thing right. If you don’t want to interact with someone, you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter if they just give you vague creep vibes — or if you just plain don’t like them! No one is owed your attentions! Never feel trapped into interacting with people because they make you feel guilty!

(And for that matter, never let someone make you uncomfortable because “they’re just socially awkward”. You can be sympathetic towards someone’s social issues without letting them make you feel unsafe. Believe me, I’ve fallen into this one so many times.)

Anyway, tl;dr? Live bitch is better than dead sweetheart. Don’t fall for the compliment trap. Tell him to fuck off. If friends try to act as intermediary between you and someone you cut out of your life, they’re trash. Tell them to fuck off, too. You have my blessing.