#which is like whatever he's chill but is kinda annoying since im on my period

[rockerfemme]

i am blogging to u all live from washington dc

[ac-ars]

high for this

it’s been less than a year this time, less than two weeks actually and it’s a success im sure we all can agree lmao

have fun 

Luna Valente doesn’t expect much fun when she gets accepted to the University of Oxford, but it’s the only way to stay away from her controlling aunt. She doesn’t expect also Matteo Balsano, who is the most helpful out of everyone there. Is he really as perfect as it seems though?

previous chapters here

🌙

2/ you there when I'm high, you're gone when I'm low

“So, how was the date with Balsano?” Ambar asks almost carelessly, but Luna knows already that it’s just a tone the blonde uses always, when she is pretending to not be curious. Valente sighs slightly and shrugs. “There was no date, plus it wouldn’t be a date if he showed up.”

Smith scrunches up her nose. “What do you mean?” Her shoulder hits some guy’s arm and she just keeps walking, making Luna wonder if she ever at least tries to be nice.

“I mean that he was supposed to come over, but he texted me that he had last minute student council meeting. You know that, you were there after all, right?”

Ambar looks at her weirdly, as if confused, but it’s just for a mere second and this expression disappears, leaving its blace for blank, bored stare. “Yeah, yeah, sure. It was super bad. You know, schedule changes and such.”

Luna nods slowly, smiling a little in her direction and Ambar makes awkward face. “I gotta go. I will see you somewhere later though, good luck on class and well whatever.”

With this she disappears in the middle of the hallway and Luna just looks after her as she is walking quickly, somehow too quickly for Ambar to be casual, but it’s not like the brunette can do anything right now. She just turns away checking the texts from the girls who are probably already waiting for her.

The hallways are filled with students, most of them is older than her and she is kinda awkward, not sure what to do. Some are looking at her, yet definitely more is ignoring her passing by and that’s amazing thing, because now she doesn’t need to try to run towards the exit or something.

At least the day is pretty, the sun blinds Luna as soon as she leaves the building and she needs to quickly search for her sunglasses. They aren’t in her backpack, which isn’t really surprising. After all recently it has been only sad and grey and sometimes even rainy, so there was no need for such thing like sunglasses. She sighs with disappointment and looks around for her friends, letting out small, heavy sigh seeing that Jim and Yam adopted Nina as well today.

Luna just approaches them without saying anything and sits on the grass next to the blonde, as quiet as possible. Nina seems to be super focused on the big, fat book that is lying in front of her on the grass and Jim is eating her fruits from breakfast box using a fork. Luna rolls her eyes seeing this and just pulls out bio book and her earphones, because the next class there can be some surprise like quiz or test, no one ever knows really.

Sadly, as soon as she turns on some random Abba song, someone hits her on the shoulder and says her name loudly. Luna growls, putting her phone in between the bio book pages and turns to Yam, who looks at her expecting.

“What?” she asks and it might be rude, but that’s how they talk to each other mostly, which is mostly funny.

“I was asking you. Where is your prince charming?” The blonde shrugs as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and Luna wonders if it’s their only topic to talk about. Matteo this, Matteo that, just like they weren’t in fancy uni with many, many older boys to talk about, or some hot profs, no, they are just stuck gossipping about one boy, who has been such a hot and cold pain in the ass, that Luna before her period needs to stay away from him.

“I don’t know. He seems to have some other stuff to do.”

Yam shrugs scrunching her nose and steals an apple slice from Jim’s box.

“He is probs busy with Gastón.” Nina says as she turns the page of this really ugly book, and just focuses on the text again. Jim and Yam jump to her, the ginger actually falls to Simonetti’s back and they start giggling loudly with the rest.

Luna sighs fixing the laces to her converse as she takes them around her ankle playfully and ties normally, it makes her feel less fancy than everything else plus it’s not like she is trying to be actually fancy. She also isn’t an aesthetic university girl like Nina for example.

“Luna, maybe you know what happened?”

The Mexican growls, falling to the grass and covers her face with bio book, which smells like dust by the way. “What would I know? Sorry, but I don’t talk to Matteo about his friendship issues.”

She knows it wasn’t the best thing to answer, especially seeing how even Nina raises her eyebrows. Jim and Yam jump surprised and just steal Luna’s precious book, hovering over her so their hairs tickle Luna’s nose. “Then what are you two talking about?” With this the ginger turns to her chihuahua bestie and winks. “Maybe they aren’t talking at all, though?”

They burst out with laughter and Valente just blinks at them surprised, not knowing what to do with this thing. This whole situation is completely ridiculous, because the girls don’t shut up, but also she has no idea what the hell is Matteo pulling on her, disappearing right before they were supposed to meet.

She doesn’t like it, she very doesn’t, she will tell him about how shitty he is acting, and that if he really will expect her to be normal next time, he will probably end up disappointed. Yet, at the same time it’s not like they are something else than just kinda friends, not even fully friends so Luna can’t think he will be always there and text her. Still, some other text than the short one he sent would be nice, and maybe sending another with other date of their meeting, but nah, why would he even try?

“You feel eh, don’t you?” Jim asks with small frown and Luna shrugs, not really saying anything.

“We are taking you to the lunch by the way, so get your small butt up and let us pay for your pizza.”

🌙

They are really paying for her food, and Luna can’t say no, and doesn’t wanna say no since it gives her the chance to pay for some of them next time, or even later. They somehow talk about dumb shit, trying to set her up with hot waiter who asks for their orders and this is definitely something finally normal. They haven’t done normal for a few long days, so she is really grateful for them to take her head away from bad ideas and bad thoughts and general annoyance that keeps bubbling in the back of her head whenever someone mentions Matteo Balsano.

Sadly, it’s not like she is interested in this pretty boy who gives them some discount, she keeps having the smile of one Italian on her mind, how he likes to wink at her and send her tiny smirk whenever he wins some playful conversation. How he just acts, making her like him for just existing and this is very dangerous ability.

Luna obviously takes part in the conversation surprisingly, despite almost twins gushing about some dance classes they found next to the campus, Nina interrupting them with some new drama informations about how girls from her literature class kept gossiping that Matteo and his best friend had a fight, or at least a drama recently.

She remembers how when on the airport Matteo was all smiling and laughing at the screen of his phone, saying that it was his best friend spamming him already. Now when she thinks of it, it’s all kinds of weird that he hasn’t mentioned this guy even once and that something must have happened. Yet, she doesn’t feel like she has any right to ask or mix herself in Matteo’s business.

It’s time to make them stop talking so loudly that other people are sending them annoyed looks, so Luna sighs and asks. “What are we doing tonight?”

They immediately shut up and stare at her very seriously. “We are going to have very much fun, Luna Valente. We are going to drink alcohol and dance, and sing very loudly, and you are going with us.” Yam says very casually with straight face and stable voice.

“But tomorrow we all have classes? Are you okay?”

Jim rolls her eyes and moves to Luna so close, she almost ends up on her lap. “We are okay, that’s just part of being a student not at home, so we will make you be less boring tonight.”

“I am not boring, I just don't feel like drinking my ass off in the uni night, that's all,” she says with a shrug and Jim and Yam share knowing look.

“That's exactly why you should go and chill, you deserve all chill, Luna and we don't want you to end up blackout, just to relax and dance. Don't you like dancing?”

Valente sighs with a pout and wonders why she is so bad at saying no.

🌙

“Could you please already stop touching my hair?” Luna asks when Nina pulls single strand while braiding this fancy thing on Luna's head.

“I'm sorry, it's just because there is so much of your hair around it just tangles around my fingers,” the Argentine girl explains and shrugs a little.

The brunette hums, trying to not wince every time she feels a pull on her head, and it’s not that hard, because Nina is trying to be softer now. “You aren’t going with us, are you?” she asks and Simonetti smiles. “Of course not. I have some writing to do still and I promised my dad I would skype with him tonight. But I hope you girls have fun.”

Luna looks at her in the mirror and blinks surprised a little, yet trying to hide it. “Won’t you tell me now that we all should study and focus on classes?”

“No, because you don’t like it. And you are adult, Luna, you decide about it yourself.”

“What? How do you know that I don’t like it?” she asks surprised, and now she feels all kinds of dumb, and rude, and mean person.

Nina shakes her head slightly with tiny smile. “Once I told Jim to study and she told me to stop telling people what to do, everyone is adult here, and I guess I was just sure that it’s help, not annoying. Anyway I hope you have fun.”

Luna smiles back, happy about this one step towards being better with everyone, and wants to say something, but Jim and Yam jump into the room laughing loudly and having something glittery in their hands. Valente gasps, fully knowing what this means.

“We got you a dress!” the blonde yells and Luna feels how her blood leaves her face, this fabric is definitely too much, probably too short, glitter isn’t that much of a problem, but the rest will most likely be. “Come on, go and try it, and then you will do some makeup, because I’ve seen some on your instagram account and you are good at this.” Jim smiles and pulls Luna up from the chair before pushing her in the bathroom along with the dress, and again, she should definitely read about being assertive.

🌙

Those colorful little shots are so pretty, the more she takes, the better they get, and at this point the glittery dress is biting her skin less and less. The music is loud, yes, but it’s the nice kind of music, Luna likes it and the only breaks are to drink a little more. She knows that this was her last one shot, sadly, still it’s okay; she can have fun without any more alcohol and then go back home and go to sleep, praying for no hangover in the very next day.

She doesn’t talk or dance to anyone except her two friends, they seem to be glad about that, but at the same time they keep pointing at some boys in the crowd. None of them seems to be a good one, but let’s be real, who would search for a boy to date in the club filled with alcohol and bass sounds that can be felt in bones.

Luna adores dancing to be honest, no matter if it’s dancing around her dorm while cleaning, or dancing like here in the club. She just loves it, loves to move and jump with the rhythm while her hair is softly bouncing around, tickling the skin of her back and shoulders and the fact that the more they dance, the more she can drink.

It’s almost an hour after midnight, and Luna doesn’t feel sleepy or tired one bit, which is very dangerous in her case, but classes are later in the day, so she will let herself sleep longer. Jim and Yam keep spinning around and making sure they all don’t leave each other and lose in between people. Luna sighs, because she felt some elbow in her ribs, or someone stomping on her toes, she guesses it’s time for a break so she yells to the girls it, trying to break through the newest remix of some famous song.

She gets to the small table breathing quickly, and leans against it with her elbows. Her phone buzzes, so she checks it after brushing her hair away from her face. It’s just some notification from insta, Simon sent her a text, but she can’t focus on it when there is orange-pink circle around Matteo’s profile pic waiting for Luna to tap it and watch. It takes much strength to ignore it and block the phone before throwing a look around. Too many people, weird people wearing all kinds of clothes in all possible colors, and then she spots this guy wearing all black by the bar, and Luna can swear she loses her breath.

He is smiling smug at this girl in green dress, even shorter than it should be allowed, but neither of them seems to care. This girl’s face Luna can’t see, she just notices how Matteo looks at her and even if it’s very bad look, she doesn’t focus on it, staring at the way this black shirt is staying on his shoulders, not too tightly, yet it seems like there is no extra fabric there. How first few buttons are undone, and how the sleeves are rolled up, not to mention those black pants, having Luna have all issues possible.

He takes the girl’s hair behind her ear wearing this small smirk before brushing her collarbone and arm with his fingers. Luna can almost feel the trembling of the girl with black hair that is very focused on Matteo Balsano, and having him all focused on her, and Luna has no idea, but she hates it. She hates that he is here acting completely normal, living normal as he always is, after he just threw her random text about sorry, not coming over, and then leaving her waiting again. Luna hates it, hates him and this girl, and the alcohol for making her feel this way, and she also hates herself. For wanting him to look at her.

Now she feels like she needs to drink more and regrets not doing it earlier. Though, who knows what would she have done with more alcohol in her blood. She stares at him most likely too long, at least long enough for him to catch her eyes for a second, and Luna can’t say what he will do now, because she turns away, looking at her phone screen intently and hoping that Cancun beach homescreen pic will teleport her there so she won’t have to handle this boy.

“Now I feel kinda sad here.” Luna hears by her ear, the voice obviously low and soft, and her drunk ear takes it eagerly and shivers climb up her spine. “Come on, sweet thing, talk to me.”

“And why would I?” She pouts raising her eyebrows at him, while he just smiles at her. “I’m sorry for not letting you know earlier about not coming to see you. And I’m sorry I haven’t texted you since then.”

This is all kinds of weird and Luna wonders what he wants this time. “Why are you apologizing? It’s not like you have to. We aren’t anything that would oblige you to explain yourself.”

Matteo hums, moving closer. “But I am not explaining myself. I’m just saying sorry because I haven’t done things that I should have, of course. And I’m here willing to make it up to you, if you want of course.”

“I mean, you don’t have to. You don’t owe me anything.” The brunette shrugs turning away.

“But I want to,” he murmurs and she can feel his breathing on her shoulder, she knows he is doing the exact same thing he was doing to the other girl minutes ago, yet this feels too good to pull away. This small feeling of excitement builds in her and she likes how it tickles her from inside.

Still, she decides to play with him a little. “Yes, but you were busy, Matteo.”

He chuckles and rests his hands on her waist, before turning her to him and leaning against the edge of the table. “I am not busy anymore. I am free for the rest of the night actually.”

Luna bites on her lower lip, taking all his attention to it. “From what I know, we are always free, that’s a human right, no?” She asks with a small giggle and Matteo shakes his head, leaning closer.

She wants him closer, but obviously she doesn’t get it, that’s how life hates her- once she wants to get something, once, and Jimena just hits the something from the side, which makes Matteo pull away and stand a little away from them.

“What are you doing, Luna? It was girls night, she says with accusing tone and her blonde bestie who follows her just points at Matteo. “I’m sure we should let Luna do what she was doing, or almost doing, before, Jim.”

Balsano snorts and Luna can feel herself giggling. “Yes, this was a girls night, did you hear it Matteo?”

The ginger looks at Luna’s companion she bumped seconds ago, and now she is shook, because there he is the boy she’s been gossipping about for long, long days, or that’s what Luna thinks is the reason of big eyes her friend makes at Matteo.

She spots Yam turning towards the bar, and then away from the bar so she can put the shot glasses on the table, and when Luna reaches for her immediately, because well her sanity definitely needs that, some hand takes it faster and in a second that’s it from her shot.

“It was mine? Who the hell do you think you are?” The brunette asks, completely surprised, because why the fuck would Balsano steal her shots.

“I think, that it’s time for us to go home,” he just states, ignoring her angry glare and loud questions. Luna huffs and crosses her arms. “I don’t wanna go home. Besides, I am not going to leave my friends here.”

The Italian nods. “Well, then we are going to walk them first, but then we go to your dorm so you get home safe and no one steals you on the way.”

Luna is very lost at this moment, she doesn’t get this boy one bit. First he is undressing some girl by the bar with his eyes, then he does the same with her, but using his voice and now he changed into group father who is gonna make sure everyone has no fun. Still, the look he is giving them now makes Luna just give up, she turns to the girls and sighs. “Are we going then? This one is gonna be super whiny I believe.”

“Okay I guess, but next weekend we are gonna stay looooonger.” The ginger pouts and Luna giggles. “Fine, can be.”

“No, you must promise, Luna Valente.” She takes up her pinky and the brunette just takes it with hers, nodding few times until her friend is happy. Her eyes walk towards Matteo who just sends her a wink and she wonders why would he try to send her home already. Or more like walk her home. And why would she agree.

🌙

It’s cold when they are walking towards Luna’s place, cold enough for her to start shivering and cold enough for her to accept Matteo’s arm around her shoulders, because he is warm and she would take everything that is warm. The girls are already in their room, since they live together, and Luna can walk calmly knowing that they are safe, most likely sleeping, and if not they always have the other to hold their hair in case of throwing up.

Matteo isn’t talking much, she isn’t either and it’s okay. Her heels are hitting the hard bricks of the sidewalk and except their breathing this is the only sound Luna can hear, which is nice. She feels that when he isn’t talking she is the least exposed to any harm from his side, he is just comfy and warm, and smells so nice, not with alcohol and when they will get to her place, Luna is sure he will let her go and won’t try to get in touch for next few days.

She sighs heavily and yawns, hearing his tiny chuckle and she guesses she can break the silence for a moment. “What’s so funny?” she just asks and he looks at her before sending her a smile. “Few moments ago you were all about staying in that club longer, and now you are like sleepy, little kitten.”

Luna huffs, it’s not that being compared to a kitten is a bad thing, but he is clearly making fun of her and her drunk self doesn’t like it. Actually she feels drunk only in the moments when she looks at his face.

“I’m sleepy because you are boring, Matteo.”

He raises his eyebrows at her and she giggles shaking her head. Italian gasps at this and pokes her on the ribs so she jumps a little. “I am not boring, it’s not my fault that you decided to have crazy night after waking up in the morning probably around eight am.”

Luna bites on her lower lip thinking, trying to remind herself when she did wake up, but since she can’t at this moment, she just ignores his comment.

There is again, a little quiet minute until it’s his turn to ruin it. “Why didn’t you take a jacket?”

“Why didn’t you?” Luna answers with a question and he sighs done. “Because I am not cold. Now you tell me.”

She pouts moving a little closer to him, hoping that he won’t mention it. “I forgot to take it.”

“Well, so we better hurry up.”

The brunette nods agreeing; she wants to be home as soon as possible, take off this uncomfy shoes and dress, spend few years under the shower and sleep for the rest of the night. To speed up the walking she tries to play with the one stone by kicking it away and when she walks to it again, she just kicks it again. Once it goes to the left, more towards Matteo’s feet which makes Luna pout, yet he surprises her by kicking it so she can continue.

He pretends that it didn’t happen and the brunette pretends she doesn’t see the look he is sending her.

🌙

“It’s a nice building,” he murmurs when they get to the door of her dorm. Luna looks around the hallway and she can’t really see anything nice here, it’s just normal, but she guesses Matteo was trying to make the conversation with the least awkward start.

“Well, you could have seen it earlier.” Luna shrugs and he smiles leaning his back against the entrance door so she can’t really get in or even try to put the key in the lock. “Let me in, Matteo.”

“Why were you so annoyed at me today?” he asks instead and she frowns. “And why do you care?”

Matteo crosses his arms and she does the same, which probably looks ridiculously funny. “Because I don’t want you to be angry at me, sweet thing.”

“How would I be angry with you, if you don’t even talk to me?” The brunette hums and Balsano nods slightly, thinking probably about something important or not important. She has no idea exactly, but this scrunched nose of his is kinda cute and she likes it, his lashes are throwing some shade at his cheeks, definitely unfair that his lashes are so long. She stares at him just like he stares at her and it’s the weirdest moment between them ever.

“I’m sorry,” he says and she blinks surprised. “I will be talking to you now.”

“You know that it sounds super weird? Plus you don’t have to, Matteo. I get it, I just don’t want you to tell you would do something and then text me last minute, that sorry, but you can’t be there and then ignore me for few days. It’s fine, just stop.”

Matteo looks at her carefully. “Stop what?”

“Stop trying to be nice. Because it’s not really working for either of us.”

He smiles a little, which is ridiculous for Luna, so she doesn’t manage to react quickly enough when he reaches for her hand and pulls her close to his chest. She blinks surprised, looking into his eyes, he brushes her hair behind her ear softly and sighs. “Will you let me try once again? Let me and it will be fine, I’m sure of it.”

The brunette opens her mouth to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t tell me now, I’m sure your drunk self needs more time to make decisions, not to mention drunk choices are always bad for us. Let me know later, though. I will be waiting.”

She sighs with a tiny nod, barely moving and Matteo kisses her forehead before leaving. She can only watch him heading towards the elevator without turning away as she has two things on her mind. First, did he mean himself or her when he talked about deciding about stuff while drunk. Second, he never promised her anything and this she should remember.

Luna shakes her head and gets into her dorm, fully knowing that today to sleep she will listen to the song he sent her in the plane on repeat.

[haepipillbud]

032221

it’s over..

I knew it was coming soon. just not this soon. 

there was still so many things I wanna know about him and do with him. so many memories I wanna make.. 

this is probably one of the longest posts I’ll ever do and definitely add more too as time goes on, but it’s definitely not the sign that I’ve moved on. that’s for a different entry. 

by the time I’m writing this part, it’s been well over a week since we broke up. it’s April 2 now.

for the past week all I’ve been thinking about is me honestly. and him. I wanna genuinely know if he’s doing well but he claims he is, I somewhat don’t buy it tho. in my perspective I’m kinda jealous of him because he’s a natural quiet guy and he can get away with looking sad and having mood swings. I live in a household where any sad emotion is not acceptable. they dig onto you and it always boils down to them trying to solve it with you when you want to solve it by yourself. it’s toxic.

we still talk. which I was told is a bad idea since memories are still fresh. I’ve told him about how I walk sometimes in the morning to clear my head, when I wake up accidentally. what he doesn’t know is that every time I do, I cry my head off which results to a whole day of headaches and migranes the next day. (which again I have to mask because weakness is not applicable to me in this family) 

he doesn’t know that I sat in that bench in the upper forest, that I hung out in the exact spot we first laid under the stars, in the swing where we chill after our long walks with friends, I pass by the house we used to trespass in, I pass by other houses we could’ve trespassed in. I also listen to sad instrumentals and our voice messages to each other while doing all this and I just let it all out. 

it hurts during those 2 hours. i miss him so much.

but it’s easier to fake that nothings wrong the next day, that’s also why I do it.

honestly I wish he’d come with me sometime. but I’m sure he doesn’t want any... intimate time between us yet.. it’s too soon. too romantic.

on the other hand I was doing well doing just that until I had a bad day at home, told a friend which she turned the conversation by saying “maybe you should also get rid of your emotional baggage”. she means my feelings for him and the way I’ve been interacting with him because it’s not healthy for each of us. 

it messed me up real bad. i had a panic attack and another s-word episode. 

what she doesn’t understand is that I want to cope with this sadness by going back to normal. before I knew he loved me. before he knew i loved him. back to when we’d just talk about movies, food and our friends. like best friends. I just want us to establish a friendship where we can tell each other anything (it’s more me doing that rn honestly) and we won’t judge each other because it’s already happening actually. boyfriend or not, he’s still my breath of fresh air. romance or not i want him close because he’s like my anchor from floating away too much with my messed up imagination. (ohmygod I’m about to cry. but again, I cannot. i must not)

but I think what I failed to see is that maybe he doesn’t want that. I may not have given him enough time and space to get over what we had too. I’ve been so selfish of him that I didn’t see if I was suffocating him with my messages, the tweets I send him, tiktoks I show him. I think I’m making it difficult for him and that makes me more upset. he said it’s okay but maybe he’s just telling me this to be nice. when in reality he wants me to stay the fuck away and give him space. 

I didn’t see this because I wanted to be selfish, I didn’t even know. ever since I could remember I grew up always the youngest the family, the weirdest in the class, the one who couldn’t keep a best friend for more than a year, the scary awesome one amongst my moms students. 

bottom line i’ve always been alone.

I’ve lived in my village for years and it took me 20 to meet my neighbors who ended up being the friends i want to keep for life. but the trauma of my childhood is still with me. that’s why I always think that I’m annoying people, that I’m not enough for anyone, that they can live their life without me. because for one my real parents can do it, why shouldn’t anyone else?  every message I send that’s left seen or not read at all add to this trauma. even if I’ve learned to mask it and say im alright, I’m really not. this quarantine, it changed all that. I became more aware of what my friends are to me. and two of them became my bestest friends. one of whom became my boyfriend for such a short period it hurts. 

but they also have their own lives. which at some point I may not be a part of anymore. I’ve always been taught that no matter what we’ve gone through, friends can replace me. even forget me.

I’m so scared of that. 

I love the movie ‘The Intern’ because Anne Hathaways character perfectly described my fear of being alone. Like for him, he’ll find a nice girl he’d want to spend the rest of his life with without having to hide or be afraid of showing to friends and family and he’ll continue living and eventually maybe forget me. heck, right now he porbably can’t even tell anyone that he was in a relationship. anyone who’d ask him in the future he’d say he’s been single all his life until his first REAL girlfriend. (ok now im crying) I’ll probably never exist in his book as someone who loved him because... we could never be accepted by others. and it’s me who’s the villain and he’s the victim because it’ll look like I seduced him or forced him or something. not that im saying it’s the other way around but some people will never understand what we had, even if we did nothing wrong. 

as I’m writing this, I’ve thought about everything we did. the sneaking, the anxiety of someone spotting us, him probably having to be extremely secretive to his family and not being able to tell stories about his girlfriend. having to make excuses just to see me. keeping our conversations, pictures of each other hidden. basically i don’t exist. I was such a big problem to him and I let it happen.

altho I had my fair share of anxieties and secrets, he must be more pained than me. being allowed but never really telling who I am or what I meant to him. 

probably I shouldn’t exist at all in anyones life. 

someday when everyone has grown up and moved on, I’m afraid I’ll be alone again. probably in my own apartment that I worked for and have friends check in. family meddle with whatever is left of my life. and when they’re gone I’m completely alone and I’ll be alone in a grave somewhere beside strangers. 

I’ve been alone all my life. 

not until recently tho. both in terms of friendship and romance. 

but I’m afraid it’s happening again. 

and Idk what I’d do without them. and him. 

[kgysj-blog]

day 3 - 4/27/17

dear depression, hiya again!! ill just get right into it for the day since im a little late doin my daily post haha okay so i had a cute outfit sat out for school today & i got up at 7:05 & the tardy bell rings at 7:30 so i just threw on the cute outfit & straightened my hair really really fast & i had no time to do my make up so i went to school without that shiz. during first period (english) we watched wuthering heights again & it was super good. idk i just have some weird thing for doomed love stories it's weird idek.. lol. then i went to second period (math) and we got our tests back & i made a frickin 99 bc i forgot to change the sign on one of the problems & it made me hellllllaaaaa mad ugh but its gucci. we went over some more problems but ford made them harder and challenging for the people that don't pay attention i guess bc they weren't hard for me or connor lmao. i was in a great ass mood and i got to break and i was walkin in and chezly was walkin out and this nigga picked me up and took my to a chair & sat me down then patted my head and I ab died hahahahah i love that dude. then i ate two pieces of pizza at break bc it's good as shit. then i went to third period (anatomy) and did this learnsmart thing & i was actually really surprised bc i knew a few of the answers without having to go back and read on it so that was good. i finished w half an hour to just chill so i played the beer pong game on my phone (which im good as frick at might i add). then i went to fourth (economics) and we had an open book test which im pretty sure i most likely failed l o l but it's fine im fine. after that ky was crackin me up the entire time idek why i was laughing like a dumbass the whole time hahahaha but brett kept telling me shit wasn't really funny & all that & he's usually not like that and it really annoyed me tbh. like i can laugh at whatever tf i want, take ya bitter ass and go on somewhere bih. everyone was just in a really good mood i loved it (other than Brett, lol) then i went and sat in bakers w the rest of my buddies and it was like every single thing was funny and i felt happy it was weird idek i was just happy and relaxed & laid back. Andy looked over to me & he was "seriously everyone is in a good mood today" and it made me happy bc i love it when my friends are happy. so anyway, i went to career tech & i made up this test from like 2 weeks ago & i made a 100 on that bit and it put me in a good ass mood. then we had this practice sheet & i was answering correctly left and right & it was just good. then i was walking to the bus & i looked at Ry & i was like "im just really happy right now like im in such a good mood and i have been all day" and she said it makes her happy to see other people happy & that made me happy/sad bc i don't think she is.. i don't like when other people have problems bc i have a ton & it really does suck. well when i got to the bus i had a text from my bud that im not supposed to be talking to. it was just a game request thing but... why are we still talking? i am supposed to be on like my fourth or fifth day without him.. i think he's scared of what ill do if we cut off contact completely idk. he's the one that came up with the idea but now he's the one texting me. i mean im not complaining bc i dont know how id feel or be doing if he wasn't talking to me but ya know im just really confused. we played a few games & he stopped replying which i understand but, like i said, im just v confused. i slept when i got home from like 5-8. it was nice bc no practice. but i actually have some feelings to talk ab now lmao here we go. i think i have an over thinking issue. i mean i know a lot of girls do but for some reason i feel like mine is super bad. i psycho analyze EVERYTHING. its honestly ridiculous. also, i heard this song on the country radio & it reminded me of summer & Peyt and it made me sad so i turned it off bc no sadness :) i just wish i didnt have problems and we could work one day :/ last week its like i had come to the conclusion that he was ready to be done which meant i had to be obviously & i was hella fucking depressed and cried every single day but it wasn't all bc of him. i just have those kinds of problems & for some reason i couldn't control myself last week it was strange. last week it's like i had come to terms w being done w him & then he texts me on friday and tells me we need to talk in person and clarify some things & all that. well i thought what he said ab us needing to distance ourselves meant we were done so i was confused on what else there was to say...? but anyway i was kinda looking forward to closure and all that in person. like finally getting to hear his thoughts face to face so he could get it all out and us be done and learn to move on. well he never texted me back about it and then at like 1 am Sunday morning he tells me we don't have to talk anymore? idk THE WHOLE THING IS A MESS. we talked and said we needed to not talk until i had bettered myself bc my cutting and all that scares the shit out of him (and all my friends) and that he feels he is part of the reason. it made me sick when i read that. i don't want him ever upset or scared or anything when he thinks of me... i felt really bad. but i was like okay ya know we are gonna have to learn to not have each other soon anyway so i guess starting now would be helpful. and i was completely on board. and now we've talked every single day. and its so confusing idek. I just know i still love him and for some mf reason i can't change it and its embarrassing bc i feel like we will never be the same or even be together again. idek i just needed to get it all out :) i have sectionals tomorrow and i am really freaking nervous like REALLY NERVOUS but i need to chill out and focus so i can get top 3. i guess that's all for tonight.. goodnight :) love, g

[datingadviceonreddit]

ill apologize in advance, this is gonna be long, im pretty high and is also one of my first reddit posts. buuut ok ready here we go;( 20 F) i met this ( 23 M) guy at a party at the end of october/ beginning of november. we hit it off, asked for my number in a really cute way, texted me right when he got home, texted pretty consistently the rest of the weekend and hungout that following monday after said that he would love to take me to coffee sometimehe told me that he worked second shift typically, so it's hard for him to do things in the week since he doesn't get out of work until super late, but then suggested a " 3 am date " ( when he gets out of work) if i was still awake. I agreed, he knew that i went to a certain bar every monday ( what i originally suggested when he said he wanted to take me out) to watch this band play.he responded with that he was kidding, that i was " too pretty to be up that late", but if i was still awake around that time, he would call me an uber if i wanted. anyways, i end up going to his house that monday at 3 in the morning, decently drunk, we have a lot of fun, we fuck, i go home the next day.he texts me like an hour after i've gone home, we text semi consistently for about a week and a half, while hanging out twice during that period. Only one of those times did we actually go out in public, we went to a nearby bar, then the next day i went to work and he wanted me to come back after, just a chill night of movies with his roommates and cuddles. we had sex each time though.then he becomes kinda distant. texts are less consistent, then no texts at all for at least 4 days. this really freaked me out because i was starting to like him. i couldn't figure out why he wasn't texting me, and i ended up asking him if i could come get my shirt and my sweatshirt that i had left at his house. so i go over there, get my shit, he basically redeems himself by apologizing and saying that his job makes it really hard for him to be on his phone. so i brush it off and sleep there that night. we have sex again.after this, it was basically only me hitting him up with an exception of a few times, to talk or hangout, although he was always down for us to hangout and encouraged me to come over. i'd wait for him to get out of work, which was either at 1 am or 3 am. i had class during the days and he had to go into work at 3 everyday. our schedules were opposites, but i could just be justifying what im trying to deny in my own head.then i start to lose my shit because he was still decreasing more and more in consistency, this lasted another week or so with being inconsistent in texting me, and blowing me off after i invited him to a party with me and my roommates. then i text him and ask if he was gonna just full on ghost mehe proceeds to say that it's a two way street, that he really is into me just busy, blah blah blah, whatever, redeems himself in my eyes again. another couple weeks go by, still nothing changed in his behavior although we were still fucking. i could tell he was beginning to get annoyed by my confusion and drunk calls/ texts and want for more attention from himwe get into a fight because i freaked out on him after i convinced myself and from my friends opinions that he was using me after again, going multiple days without hearing from him ( we had been hanging out/ having sex for a month and a half at this point) when he would be active on social media a lot. Still very little effort on his part, and i knew he was bullshitting about not having time to be on his phone, since he clearly was.this sort of shit goes on from basically thanksgiving until the end of decemeber where i basically just gave up. i was trying way too hard, and we got into fights all of the time. he told me i was too serious about everything, but all i wanted was for him to act like he was actually into me.he fed me the lines of him " being heartbroken" and " in a really bad place in his life" or that " hes afraid of getting hurt " also, that he stopped texting me because it " freaked him out that he was starting to like me" i believed these when he told me and always came running back. he ended things when i continued to annoy him by wanting him to give more.i was heartbroken over this and was even more heartbroken throughout this entire thing, i just couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on.i still texted him every once in awhile, but i immediately jumped into a different friends with benefits situation which transformed into something more than that. i slowly forget about V and develop some pretty strong feelings for this other guy. i continue that until the end of februarythis was even harder to go through, i was much closer to this guy than V. so i'm basically a wreck ( much better now)! a month goes by and i end up texting V,out of boredom and loneliness, asking him if he needed any weed ( he'd hit me up while i was seeing the other guy a couple of times asking if i had any, i always said no.)he said he does, i go to house after i get out of work at 2 am and he has a decent amount of people over. he's drunk, and he asks me to stay. so i do, he flirts with me all night while i mingle with his roommates, not clinging to his side at all. he asks if i want to stay the night, i do, we fuck.all night, he was saying shit like; - i miss you - im sorry i was such an asshole - i really did like you but you freaked me out cause i felt like you were breathing down my neck - you seem a lot different now etc etc etci eat all of this up, of course. i feel fine the next day, i have 0 expectations and i don't hear from him until he hits me up a couple days later asking for more weed.we've hungout a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, but recently he got annoyed with me again because i thought it was weird when he invited me over one night after i drunkenly hit him up and had me sleep upstairs in a different room( without him) because one of his really good girl friends was at his house and was sleeping in his bed.haven't heard from him since, just looking for opinons on if im the crazy one and i'm the one fucking up ( which he leads me to believe all the time) or if he's genuinely just an asshole. sorry again this is super long. via /r/dating_advice