#which is fine cuz like what if i have this phone for the next 5 years and i have a new fav color

[thelillypad]

getting a new phone today!!

[purpdrawsthings]

HIT YOU WITH THE PUNK TACTICS 👊💥

@tiredsmashbros @strange0-0storm @libbytwq @rr3d2y @its-a-me-mango @cookiepopcat

No way it took me 5 months to get back my motivation?? 😭😭😭

Hihi everybody.

So I started this project.. As said in the picture. Apparently after the first 4 finished/rendered pictures of TSB and SMG8, I lost the motivation and left it alone for 5 months.. UNTIL YESTERDAY.

Yes you heard me, YESTERDAY. "Wait Purp so what you're meaning to tell us is that after that part and so on was all finished in 1 DAY??"

.... Yeah =D

I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF OKAY I LEFT IT FOR LONG ENOUGH. Don't want it to be like my Plug Me In animation tho... [Speaking of which why did that one take me like 8 months?]

Speedran the last image for TSB and SMG8's part, did Lore and Ako's part [this includes drawing + animating + editing some of TSB's part] in about I think 1-2 hours, took a break cuz my phone was on like 20% [I had literal homework so I finished my ONE BIG AHH PAPER PRESENTATION COMIC in about 3 hours..] After that I immediately went straight back to my phone and finished the first 4 rendered parts for Mango and Cookie's part [ this also included drawing + animating ]

During this time I was in my fathers siblings house because we were going to break our fast there. So yesterday was the day we went back home cuz both me and my sister had school. While in the car I FINISHED. Mango and Cookie's final part. This did NOT include animating. I felt tired and went to sleep.

Back home I went straight into my room and onto my phone 😭 I finished animating THE LAST PART. So all's left is editing the final product and polishing.

I use alight motion but after 10 minutes or so of TRYING to find if alight motion had a reverse effect, the app didn't have that. So I had to waste 5 MINUTES just to install capcut for that effect. During this also I was on my last 15 minutes on the phone so I was kinda stressed and begging it would go faster.

Did the reverse and exported it alight motion. But during this my phone shut off so I couldn't finish it. I sighed and waited for the next day.

[Funny thing but I did 3 homeworks last minute before sleeping and I slept at 12 lmao]

CUT TO TODAY!

As I got back from school and in my mom's car going to her office, I saved my phone in the car and immediately picked it up.

You'd THINK I would go straight to editing seeing my past pattern right? Nah I went to YouTube shorts for whatever apparent reason sisgisvdixgidbdodbxib 😭

Anyways I went into my mom's office and immediately edited in alight motion. This took me for about 30 minutes or so because I was trying to find the perfect rewind overlay for the animation. Couldn't find the one that would fit my need so I just picked one that seemed just fine for me. Edited some more.. Checked the timings... Put my watermark and some lil drawing and.... Done! The animation was all done and ready to go!

I first sent the thing in discord. [Apparently discord this time actually could load my animation in there so I was quite happy to say the least.] And now we're here to me writing this as I'm talking to myself! Hi me!... I'm going crazy.

Anyways I'm glad I finished that. Looking back at it I think I got so tired at the last part that I almost gave up on Cookie's and Mango's part. It's a bit low effort on that one. Overall, I'm kinda satisfied and it's nice to play the animation a couple of times.

Final stuff.

Ibis paint : 6 hours, thumb 💜

Flipaclip : 12fps, 337 frames

Alight motion : 30fps

Capcut : reverse thing sudhdudhud

Hope y'all enjoyed my rambling IAHSISHDIHDODHDO I should be crowned queen of yapping wait somebody else has that tittle oh well.

Yeetus chat =3

[blackdollette]

Hey, "high with Clyde" anon here (and high again, funnily enough). Smut you say? I've had a thought circulating in my mind recently. Going shopping for new clothes with Jack Thurlow and trying stuff on for him to rate while he sits all pretty on that couch they have there (y'know, that one that they have specifically for guys doing the exact same thing?) while you model for him. And for whatever reason - maybe his responses have been rather lacklustre and you want his....ahem, "enthusiasm", or maybe just cuz you're devious like that - you decide you wanna rile him up a little bit. So! At the next store, you grab like, the sluttiest outfits available unbeknownst to him, and then model them all for him, feeling all smug that he's practically drooling at you

And when he finally reaches his breaking point, the next thing you know, you got your feet behind your ears and his hand over your mouth so you don't get caught. 🤤 Idk, do with that what you might. ^^

you've done it again, anon 🙌🏽

"i get dressed to ride for you, baby." | jack thurlow

burning desire. - lana del rey

✮⋆˙ [tags] @faesucksass @lustkillers @angelsanarchy @mayathepsychic1999 @josibunn @livingdead-materialgirl@romanroyapoligist @oliviah-25@si1nful-symph0ny @auggiethecreator @vanlisbon@livingdead-reilly @imoonkiss @lankysimp @nom-nommmm1 @xxbl00d-cl0txx @k1ll3rh0rr0r @wildathevrt @mommymilkers0526 @greenxgloss @wild-rose-35 @areuirish

female!reader x jack

word count: 1.8k

contents: public sex, unprotected p in v, missionary position, creampie

“you’ve got 5 minutes to try everything on, you hear me?” jack called out as he sat on the small leather couch outside of your dressing room, brows furrowed as he crossed his arms and slumped into the seat knowing full well you were going to take your precious time trying on every single outfit. so much for a "fun" shopping trip.

inside the small room, you had an assortment of clothes in front of you, ranging from long flowy gowns to dark blue baggy jeans and designer sweaters. a top-tier selection of clothes but none of which were to jack’s taste. but you decided to test your luck anyway.

minutes later, you stepped out and stood right in front of him, wearing your first dress. “how’s this one, jack?” his eyes were downcast, looking at something on his phone. you tapped him on the shoulder, only earning half of his attention. “hm? it looks nice, dolly.” you pouted, moving your hand to his chin to make him look at you. “but you didn’t even look at it.” he moved your hand away, looking you up and down with an unamused gaze. “i said it looks fine. now are you finally done so we can get out of here?” 

you rolled your eyes, walking back into the dressing room and slipping off the dress. you picked up a skintight black dress that was so long it dragged on the floor. surely this one would grab his attention, you thought to yourself as you paired it with a white, button-up sweater. you put on a pair of light-brown heels that were hidden by the fabric, stepping out once again and patting his cheek. 

“what about this? is this one better?” you gave him a little spin, giving him a full 360 degrees of your body in the tight dress. he gave a little smirk in response. “yeah if you wanna look like a nun, i guess. is this the last outfit? i don’t think i can listen to the music in here any longer.” you huffed, discouraged at how nonchalant he was. “yes, im done.” you muttered, walking back into the dressing room to get back into your normal clothes.

you walked out of the dressing room empty-handed, leaving everything behind since none seemed to give you the reaction you expected from him. he took your hand, dragging you out of the store and back into the main mall. “good riddance,” he muttered under his breath. “can we go home now, angel?” your eyes scanned the assortment of stores surrounding you until they landed on one that would surely sell clothes that would blow his socks off.

you shook your head. “not yet, i just wanna go to one more store. please, just one more place?” you begged, staring up at him as he groaned. “only one more. you head on inside, i’m going to grab a coffee. i’ll meet you in the dressing room.” with that, he released your hand and let you go your own way. 

you dashed into the store, immediately pleased by the outfits in the display window. you wasted no time picking up everything you saw, picturing the look on his face when he’d see the clothes on you. you walked into the dressing room, starting to change into one of the outfits as you heard his voice.

“you in here, doll?” he said as he sipped on his hot drink, waiting for a response. “i’m here, jack. just gimme a sec, okay?” he nodded, immediately realizing that you couldn’t see his answer. he sat down on the seat in front of your dressing room, sighing as he scrolled on his phone. “this damn girl…” he whispered to himself. then he was interrupted by the noise of you walking out, standing right in front of him.

you didn’t have to tap him to get his attention this time. his eyes were caught by the shiny black thigh-high leather boots you had on. then his eyes traveled up, first landing on your dangerously short pleated skirt and low-cut tube top that showed just enough cleavage to make his breath hitch (this is the outfit). you placed your hand on your hips, looking down at him as he swallowed hard, immediately putting his phone down and gripping the seat.

“now i’ve got your attention.” you remarked smugly. “you like this one, jack?” you took the words out of his mouth, his cheeks covered in a bright pink stain as his mouth gaped open. he cleared his throat, nodding nervously as a stupid little smile tugged at his lips. “y-yeah, this one’s nice, baby. give me a little spin, will ya?” your face lit up and you twirled, making the skirt lift up just a little as your heels clicked on the ground.

jack squirmed, shifting his position so he was sitting with his legs crossed, suppressing a painfully obvious boner. you grinned triumphantly, happy that you could break his cold, hard exterior. you walked back into the room, making that sad that you were going away but excited to see that next set of clothes you’d have on.

minutes passed and jack found himself impatiently tapping his foot as his mind ran wild with thoughts of you wearing such intimate clothes just for him. his hard cock was straining against the rough denim of his jeans, making him groan quietly as he placed a hand on top of his bulge to calm the throbbing sensation.

his foot began to bounce on the ground with anticipation, and soon enough he couldn’t take it anymore. he sprung up from his seat, pushing the curtain of your dressing room to the side and popping his head in. “are you done in here?” you jumped slightly, startled. but jack’s eyes became as wide as saucers as drool began to drip down his lips. 

you stood in front of the mirror, wearing a small tennis skirt with a plaid pattern on it, paired with a white silky shirt that was more revealing than your bra. and your cute little feet in those white knee-high socks didn’t help the matter either (the outfit). “jack! i’m not done in here yet!” 

he walked into the room, approaching you with a lust-filled haze as you backed into the wall behind you. he closed the curtain of the room, pinning you to the wall and pressing his body into yours, his boner pressing into your stomach. you gasped, the heat of blood starting to pool in your core as he grabbed your face and pulled you into a very sloppy kiss.

“goddamnit, woman… you just know exactly how to drive me crazy, don’t you?” he grabbed your ass, lifting you off the ground and making you wrap your legs around his waist, your clothed, throbbing clit now in contact with his pulsating bulge. you moaned into his mouth as he kissed you again, this time using his tongue to tease yours with his gentle flicks.

your hips began to grind on his, desperate for even the smallest amount of pleasure to still your nerves. jack groaned deeply, whipping out his cock and pumping it quickly. you glanced down, seeing that his girth had nearly doubled in size because of how swollen it had gotten. he rubbed his leaky tip on your silky panties, feeling your wetness through the thin fabric.

you let out a shaky moan, grabbing onto his muscled biceps as he set you down on the wooden bench that was meant for clothing. he pushed everything else off, leaving room for only you as he pushed your legs behind your head, the wet spot on your panties much more conspicuous in this position.

jack bit his lip as he grinned from ear to ear. “that’s my little model…” he trailed a teasing finger down your cleavage until he got all the way down to your dripping wet cunt. he replaced his finger with his cock, getting off from the feeling of your wet folds hungrily attempting to swallow him.

“guess we should get these out of the way, huh?” he slipped his cock underneath the thin string that covered your pussy, breaking it away with a light tug. your breath became shaky as the cold air hit your grooling cunt. jack spat on his thumb, rubbing messy circles onto your clit as he lined himself up with your hole.

the tip slipped in effortlessly, along with the first few inches. you moaned quietly, making jack clamp his hand over your mouth. “it would be a shame if we got caught in here, wouldn’t it?” with a low groan, he pushed in the remaining inches of his rod, making your eyes well. with his jeans down to his ankles, his hips began slapping into yours.

your eyes rolled to your back on your head as the perfect curve of his dick made him reach nothing but your cervix. you felt your drool bubbling all over his hand as deep, heavy breaths escaped from his parted lips. his large cock abused and stretched out your tiny hole, much to his pleasure.

his fingernails dug into the back of your thighs as his balls slapped your asshole with every deep thrust. your hands found his wrist and forearm, gripping the skin tightly as a white-hot knot began to tie in your stomach. jack’s orderly thrusts quickly lost their composure as your muffled moans made his core boil.

strings on precum connected him to you each time he pulled out. he flipped his hair out of his face, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed back curses that threatened to break free. “s-shit… that’s it, baby… takin’ my cock so well…” 

your back arched as you ground your hips against his, desperately chasing the orgasm that was just in your reach. your gushy folds hungrily ate up his cock, making him toss his head back. “use my dick, angel…just like that.” you brought your fingers to your clit, sobbing into his hand as you felt yourself cumming all over him. he grabbed your hips, fucking you at lightning speed as his balls sagged with cum. in a matter of seconds, he was filling up your tight, swollen pussy with loads upon loads of his hot seed.

he pulled out of you, watching as his cum cascaded out of your hole like a milky waterfall. you panted breathlessly, slowly regaining your composure as jack tucked his cock back into his pants before getting you all cleaned up as well.

you put on your clothes, looking at the mess you two had just made in a public residence. but before you knew it, jack was out of the dressing room, carrying all of the clothes you tried on. you walked behind him quickly. “where are you going?” jack smiled back at you. “to the cashier. i look forward to my little model putting on a show for me every night.” he dumped the pile of clothes onto the counter, the cum-stained skirt above everything else like a cherry on top.

author's note: thank you "high" anon for the request! istg I rlly didn't mean for it to get so long

[xx-alice-in-wonderland-xx]

Abby, Yara and Lev incorrect quilted cuz they are my children and I would die for them (with some other characters) xx

Abby: I really like Eminem.  Yara: I prefer skittles.  Abby: I’m talking about the rapper.  Lev: Why would you eat the wrapper?

Lev: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Abby way.  Yara: Isn't that the wrong way?  Lev: Yes, but it's faster.

Lev: It's locked. You got a lock pick?  Yara: Yeah-  Abby: *kicks in the door*

Abby: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!  Yara: Alright.  Lev: Hey, I-  Abby: SHUT UP!  Lev: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!  Yara: It was bound to be stupid.

Lev: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-  Abby: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~  Lev: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-  Yara, recording: This is so cute.

*Squad is playing Among Us*  Yara: I believe Lev is innocent, I was with them the whole time. Abby, what were you doing?  Abby: Oh, I was just murdering… I mean, nothing!

Lev: Thanks for not telling Yara what happened.  Abby, dumbfounded: I wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to explain this.

Abby, to Yara: If Lev doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check.  Lev, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!

Lev: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart?  Yara: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am!  Lev: Mean.

Lev: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…  Yara: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.  Lev: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…  Abby: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

Abby: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!  Abby: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-  Lev: I did?  Abby: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Lev.  Abby: *walks away*  Lev:  Lev: She’s gone Owen.  Owen, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in his mouth: Thank you!

Lev: I have a plan.  Abby: I have the hospital and Mel on speed dial.

Lev, on the phone: Uh. . Hey, Mel, i uh, I’ve been stabbed.  ABBY: WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?  Lev: Wait- You aren’t Mel. Sorry- I didn’t mean to call you-  Abby: NO, WHERE ARE YOU? IM COMING THERE. IM NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE AFTER BEING STABBED.

Yara: I'm very disappointed in you, Lev.  Abby: C'mon, don't get mad at Lev!  Yara: Abby, stop telling Lev it's okay for them to punch you! They need to learn not to punch people!  Abby: But I'm not a person!  Lev: Which is why I punched her!

Abby: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone*  Yara: Hey, Abby, how was your day?  Abby: *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Yara* Hell.  Lev, watching this unfold: *whispers* Who hurt you?

Abby: Where’s Lev?  Yara: Around.  Abby: Around?  Abby: You don’t have any idea, do you?  Lev, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Abby: Hey, Lev. Why did the chicken cross the road?  Lev: To get to the other side?  Abby: You were supposed to say “I dunno, why?“  Lev: Uh... fine. I don’t know. Why did it cross the road?  Abby: To get to the idiot’s house.  Lev: ...Ok?  Yara: Hey, Lev. Knock knock.  Lev: No.  Yara: You were supposed to say “who’s there?”  Lev: Fine... let’s get this over with. Who’s there?  Yara: The chicken.  Lev: Abby: Yara: Lev:Listen here you little shits-

Yara: Yesterday, I overheard Lev saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Abby replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

Yara: Abby, just think about this! I’m your hottest friend.  Yara: No, that’s Owen… I’m your nicest friend.  Yara: No, thats Lev... I’m your friend!

Abby: I hate to to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.  Yara & Lev: Yara: Was it Lev?

*Lev is laying on the floor with their eyes closed*  Abby: Hey, are they sleeping or dead?  Yara, messing around: Hopefully dead, I hated them.  Abby, joining it: Yeah, me too.  Lev, sitting up: First of all, fuck you guys.

Lev: Abby, just think about this! I’m your hottest friend.  Lev: No, that’s Yara… I’m your nicest friend.  Lev: No, thats Owen... I’m your friend!

[ghostfrog28]

Y'all, Episode 6 may be my favorite episode, so far at least

holy shit, so much happened in this episode and I loved it so much! This is gonna be a long rant, so just warning ya!

The gang helping Thad study was such a nice part of the episode, I’m hoping Thad passes his exams and gets to be a doctor! Also, Lena teasing Ash about him talking like Denny’s and how they’ve been spending a lot of time together was really cute and funny. Can’t wait for their party night next episode!

The little conversation with Ash and Denny’s in the car was another one of their moments together that I just love seeing. Also, I’m wondering what the context was for Denny’s almost going into work with part of Ash’s uniform lol. And we got more from Brady which I loved to see! He’s one of my favorite side characters, and when Brady brought up that Denny’s is “always talking about” Ash, it’s like when you introduce a friend to your parents or siblings and they just flat out tell them you have a crush on them (Brady gives major older brother vibes) and I can just imagine Denny’s saying “Brady!” In the same whisper yell that Ash did to Lena lol

That phone call with the director lady was difficult to listen to. I was so happy that Ash got the part, but with everything happening? Who knows how that’s gonna work out! And Ash’s voice cracking while he was talking to Denny’s made me wanna cry 😢 Brady coming in with the big bro energy, asking if things are ok and him trusting Denny’s when she says that things are ‘fine’ was really sweet

Brady checking in again, love it. Poor Lin, girl was trying to sleep lol. Also, I like that she warned Denny’s that Lexi was there already because I can’t imagine what would happen if she just went up to the door and heard her in Ash’s room. I agree, she’s getting better but she does have some of her tactics that she’s still using, so I’m not completely over my hate for her, it’s getting there but not quite. Also:

Alexis: I deserve him, don’t I? Don’t I?

Sophie: you may think that, but he didn’t deserve what you did to him, neither did Thad.

5. Now we get to talk to him. Honestly, hearing some more of his pov of the relationship really put into perspective how bad it actually was. Like, Ash, babe, never telling your partner ‘no’ to something cannot end well for either person. Also, I like that we constantly are being his ‘therapist’ cuz honestly, he needs to talk about that emotion baggage he’s been dealing with.

6. the pancakes!! I loved this little callback to the first episode, I knew the moment Denny’s asked Brady to make something before she left to see Ash, that was what it was going to be! Also, the little play fight over both of them eating the food was really cute and funny!

7. THE CONFESSION! THE KISS!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED AND I LOVED ALL OF IT! Him liking Denny’s since the beginning was so sweet, and all from a little gesture of Denny’s being nice, just because she wanted to! (Also, did they actually, do something or was it just kissing, cuz it sounded like there was a fade out but it could just be me hearing it weird) Them cuddling and watching the sunrise was so cute! I keep re listening to that part! Also, the phone call between Ash and Thad was adorable, just them giggling like a couple schoolgirls about a crush. In my mind, Sophie was just going “you guys are such dorks”

And, you already know I have more art for this!

This may be my favorite outfit and shirt design I’ve made so far, I loved this so much

But yeah, that’s all! Sorry this was a pretty long post and I was ranting for quite a bit, but I just love this series and these characters so much! The big art post is in the works, it’s getting there (slowly lol) but it’ll be worth it!

Can’t wait for what happens next!

bye!

[theunsweetenedtruth]

On Your Mind (5)

Summary: The aftermath to the end of Nereyda and T'Challa.

Previous Part

Pairing: T'Challa x Nereyda (OC) Word Count: 2,897 Warnings: None A/N: Originally written in 2018

T'Challa sat in the council meeting, not hearing what was going on around him. His mind was on Nereyda; he couldn't understand where things went wrong. Ok. That wasn't true. He knew where things went wrong. But the fact that she wasn't in the palace, home with him, made him feel off. It was like missing a limb. Or his heart.

He perked up when Erik slipped in the double doors and hastened to end the meeting. "I will think about what you have presented here and will give my decision next meeting." The Elders saluted him and began to exit. Ramonda gave him a perplexed look as she left. He ignored her. She played a large role in Nereyda's departure. He wasn't sure what Ramonda had said to her but it didn't matter; Ramonda knew how he felt but it was clear to T'Challa that she was more concerned with what she thought the country should be under T'Challa's ruling, rather than the vision he had for his own rule.

When the doors shut behind the last of the council members and only Erik and him were left, T'Challa spoke. "What's the update?"

Erik took the seat next to him. "She looks okay, decorated the place, got plants and shit." T'Challa's face fell. She was moving on without him, of course she would. Soon, a brave soul would get over the aversion to her former status and she might love again. He wanted that for her but he couldn't imagine not being that person for her. His fists clenched at the thought of another man knowing Nereyda the way he did. Of another man holding her, making love to her, drawing out sighs and moans the way only T'Challa deserved to hear...

"I can tell she's miserable though." Erik's distracted voice broke through his anger.

"What? How?"

Erik held up a finger, typing on his phone. T'Challa grew impatient quickly—surely the reason why Erik was taking his sweet time was to get on his nerves. Finally he looked up from what must have been an intriguing message. "She has bags under her eyes, which means she hasn't been sleeping, her hair's looks like shit," Erik counted on his fingers. "Plus her fine ass friend been telling me what's going on with her. Says she hadn't left the house since you went there that one night."

T'Challa wasn't happy to hear Nereyda wasn't taking care of herself but he was pleased that she hadn't dropped and forgotten him like he'd feared. He frowned.

"I don't want you getting updates from Nina." He was pissed at her; if she would've minded her business, he could've explained what was happening to Nereyda first.

"Chill, T. She felt really bad after I told her what was really happening." Erik wore a Cheshire grin. "Had to do a little comforting if you know what I mean." T'Challa rolled his eyes. He was done with Erik. He rose from the throne and made his way to the door. "Aye. How long am I gonna have to keep doing this?"

T'Challa turning to his cousin slowly. "This is partly your fault N'Jadaka. If it was for yours and Nakia's scheming, I wouldn't be in this mess with Nereyda."

Erik jumped to his feet. "Nah cuz, don't put that shit on me and Nakia. If you would've been honest with your girl from jump, you wouldn't be in this mess."

T'Challa felt the truth of his words. "You're right. It's my own fault I lost the love of my life." He exited the throne room.

"So the plans for the outreach center are a go." Nakia and T'Challa were seated in his office going over the final plans for the outreach center. The first one would open in Oakland, California, an homage to T'Challa's uncle N'Jobu. This was the reason for his sacrifice.

Between him and Erik—and Nakia in her father's ear—T'Challa has been working hard over the years to bring the idea to the council. They had been thwarted at every turn, sometimes by the elders, other times by his own father. The consensus was that there was a possibility T'Challa wouldn't be fit to rule, citing both the presence of his dora in the palace, and his ideas to use Wakandan resources to help blacks all over the world. The council knew they couldn't control Erik; he was not a viable candidate for king and would make a bigger mess than T'Challa ever could. T'Challa received word that an elder's second in command had approached M'Baku about challenging T'Challa for the throne. Luckily, T'Challa and M'Baku has their own arrangement; M'Baku had no interest in being king but rather desired a voice for his people in Wakandan affairs. The council was looking for someone to challenge T'Challa though; he had to move smarter.

Bringing back Nakia to aid in the plan has quieted some of the discord enough that no one challenged him on challenge day, but T'Challa knew the council could make his life difficult if he didn't stay ahead of their schemes. The public proposal sealed the deal and Nereyda moving out—while not a part of his plan at all—helped to convince the council that he was taking his role as king seriously. When it came time to propose the outreach center, T'Challa had Erik, Shuri, Nakia, and Nakia's father at his back. He had secured M'Baku's vote with a seat on the council, another project he'd had to butter the elders up for.

After the presentation of plans for the outreach center, the history of the treatment of black worldwide and the need of the outreach center in Oakland, the council sat quietly. T'Challa could feel Erik shuffling in frustration. Nakia, to his right was unusually still. Shuri looked bored, ready to get back to her lab and begin planning her classes for the center.

"My king, I'm not so sure this is a good idea or the right time. Your father—"

"My father is no longer here. I am the king now." He glared down the room. "Elders, this is a formality. I have the majority votes already secured and I will be moving forward with the outreach center." T'Challa was upset. These people tried to control his life, expecting him to be a puppet to their machinations. "You have sat here in Wakanda, in your homes benefitting off of what it means to live in a truly free nation. America is not the land of the free for anyone who isn't rich, male, and white. We have the resources to change that, provide aid to the descendants of those we watched be stolen from their homes if you cannot see the need for this outreach center and others to come, I will gladly take your resignation as council member and begin looking for your replacements." He looked each council member in the eye, including Ramonda. He would not back down this time.

"Let's take a vote," M'Baku said cheerfully. And that was the end of that.

"T'Challa?" Nakia's voice broke through his thoughts.

"I'm sorry you asked something?" He tried to stay in the moment. It wouldn't do for him to get distracted when everything he's been working towards was within his grasp.

"I asked if it was alright for us to move forward with plans for the ball next week."

T'Challa modded. "Yes that will be fine. I assume you'll be bringing your young man." He tried to sound formal but amusement coated each word and he struggled to hold back a smile.

"My 'young man'? Who are you, my father?" Nakia joked. "Or my supposed betrothed?"

T'Challa waved her off. "I'm sure you'll be happy to be rid of all the duties being queen comes with." Ramonda, in her excitement over the proposal, had handed queen duties to a reluctant Nakia. She would be resuming them with the end of the "engagement".

Nakia shrugged. "It's not that bad but I'll be happy to have my freedom back. And Ife will be happy to have me to herself again."

T'Challa understood. To be a king or queen was to belong to the people, not always to yourself. While Nakia would've made a great queen, she would not have been happy or able to be her true self. He was glad she was able to escape, and as much as he loved her, was glad Nereyda had escaped that same pressure.

As if reading his mind, Nakia asked, "And your dora? How will she take to the queen duties?" Not for the first time, he thought of Nereyda as queen.

She would be...glorious. Giving, understanding, she would probably take up a platform, like other queens, but something with more substance, a problem that most well off Wakandans didn't think about. The people would love her because she would care for them and put their interests first. He was sure of it. But it wasn't a possibility.

"I don't think that will happen at this point. She's moving on with her life and I don't want to be selfish with her anymore." Nakia looked confused. "When I went by her place after the mission, she told me she just wanted to be mine." T'Challa sighed. "I don't want to put her in a place again where she can't be, where she has to be a secret again."

Nakia was thoughtful for a moment. "But who says you have to?" Her face was animated in that way it would be when she was ready for a lecture. "The way you commanded the council about the outreach center, you can do the same with your dora..."

"Nereyda"

"Yes. Nereyda."

T'Challa thought about it. Yes, he could. He realized there was a different weight to being King than being prince. Advocating for the outreach center was his first experience fight the council and he was sure it wouldn't be the last. But would Nereyda even want him after all this time?

"I'm not sure if she still wants to be with me in that way."

"You're the king, the Black Panther. You'll just have to convince her." Nakia's smile was wicked and T'Challa answered with one of his own. He knew exactly what he needed to do.

Nereyda returned to her apartment and huffed out a breath, leaning against the back of the door. After spending over two months in her apartment mourning the loss of her relationship, she decided to get on with her life. She's spent the last week looking into a home to purchase. While she was comfortable in her apartment, it wouldn't do for her goals.

She decided to move forward with her orphanage for young girls. It was something she found passion in, whenever she thought about how different her life could've been had she been given opportunities and education beyond what was offered at the dora House. Being with...him had given her experiences she never thought she'd get. She wanted to teach younger girls to do for themselves. It was okay to want to be taken care of but Nereyda was relishing in an independence shed never experienced. The young girls in her care would know that feeling, and then make their own decisions about men. Or women.

Finding a home to serve her needs was proving to be difficult though. Despite her initial thoughts, real estate agents in the city weren't adverse to working with her. She assumed it was out of pity for her, the ex-lover of the engaged king, but she didn't mind. The agents took a look at the emblem of Bast she was still wearing around her neck and fell over themselves to assist her. Nereyda held back laughter every time; people wouldn't speak to her as the king's dora, but as herself she was equal to them. If her current status worked in her favor, then it wouldn't be the last time she'd throw it in their faces.

She'd spent the day with her chosen agent, a young woman with a kind smile and tight violet curls. They looked at several buildings in her budget, mostly older homes on the edge of the city. They were livable but would need upgrades that Nereyda could take her time doing. She'd gotten into contact with the agency who dealt with newly orphaned children and told them of her plans. They were skeptical but told her she would be allowed to take in a few girls, provided the home she bought was up to standard. Nereyda was determined for this to work.

She still thought about T'Challa, everyday thought about her love for him and how much he had to have loved her. She knew he did love her; there was no way he could have faked that kind of love her showed her. The long nights spent talking, the love making, she put her all into it and he reciprocated with a passion she knew she never wanted to experience with anyone else. She missed him fiercely, felt a constant ache in her chest she tried to work through from being away from him. She wouldn't go back and live life as his mistress though. He would marry Nakia, have children with her. Nereyda didn't want to watch him experience things with Nakia while still calling Nereyda his and her never have those experiences with him. Erik visiting her all those weeks ago made her reevaluate. She wasn't angry at T'Challa, just sad he didn't believe in their love enough to try.

But she was determined to not play second fiddle in his life. Nereyda pushed off the door and went to her bedroom, stripping to her underwear as she went.

"AHHHH!" she screamed out at the appearance of a figure leaning against the headboard on her bed.

"Bitch what's the screaming for?" Nina sat nonchalantly filing her nails as if she hadn't nearly given Nereyda a heart attack.

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment? How did you get in here?"

Nina gave her a look. "Now don't ask silly questions." She gestured to a huge box Nereyda hadn't noticed at the end of bed. "I come bearing gifts."

Curiously, she made her way to the bed and the pretty matte black box with a silver satin bow on top. Lifting the lid, she saw the most gorgeous gold dress. Nereyda's heart beat faster. She knew only one person who would get her something like this and it wasn't Nina. She fingered the see through material reverently before pulling it from the box and holding it against her body.

Nina let out a low whistle. "Damn. I didn't know what was in it or else I would've kept the shit," she joked. Nereyda ignored her and looked in the box. There were gold strappy heels and a card. She laid the dress to the side, reaching for the note. Her hands trembled and she felt weak. She just acknowledged that she loved the man still and now Bast sent her this. The message on the heavy card stock was short:

Tonight, 8pm. Please.

There was no signature but Nereyda's suspicions were confirmed; it was T'Challa's handwriting. Tonight..."Isn't tonight the engagement ball?"

Nina looked up from her phone. "Engagement ball? Girl no. T'Challa and Nakia aren't engaged anymore. You must be living under a rock. It's all anyone can talk about."

Nereyda felt hope swell in her chest, and her body get hot. "Nina, please don't play games."

"I swear. It's not an engagement ball. It's a coronation ball. T'Challa never had one." Nereyda had avoided all news about the ball, expecting it to be a celebration for the happy couple. Things were beginning to make sense. How long had T'Challa and Nakia been broken up? Was that the reason why everyone was being so nice to her? She remembered a vague comment from her landlord about needing a thirty day notice before breaking her lease. Did everyone think T'Challa ended things because of her? Did he end things because of her? Looking at the note still in her grasp and the dress on her bed, Nereyda thought it was a possibility.

But she still had questions. "Where did you get this? When did you see T'Challa?" Nina looked guilty.

"I've been talking to Erik. He's the one who asked me to bring it. I honestly didn't know what was in it."

Nereyda believed her but she wasn't sure about meeting T'Challa at the ball. "I don't know Nina. I don't think I can go. I am just getting back to myself."

Nina rose from the bed and pulled Nereyda into a hug. Nereyda sunk into the larger woman's embrace, tears prickling her eyes. Nina pulled away after a few moments and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Bitch you're going to the ball." She rose a hand at the beginnings of Nereyda's protests. "Even if it's just to hear what he has to say. He owes you an explanation. You should show him what he's been missing while you get it."

Nereyda looked at her suspiciously. "What do you know?" She asked the other dora.

Nina presses her lips together. "I know that if you don't start getting dressed I'm gonna do it for you." She flipped back on the bed, conversation over.

Next Part

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Ok, so...

(rant below the cut)

I saw my therapist the week before last. During that appointment, she took a phone call like... while I was actively crying and talking about something. And ok, things happen, right? She apologized profusely but said she had to take the call and I was like of course, cuz I don't know her life. It could have been her husband or her kids or whatever. That's totally fine.

But then last week she cancelled on me day off like two hours before my appointment because she wasn't feeling well and told me to touch base next week to schedule. Totally get that. When you're sick, you're sick.

So I waited until Monday and then I emailed her, "Just checking in, hope you're feeling better." She responded that she was and asked if I wanted to meet at 2PM the next day (Tuesday, yesterday) and I said "Sure!" She said "See you tomorrow", I figure we're all set. I let my boss know, she knows I've been really stressed and I told her I needed to make that appointment work because it had already been two weeks and I needed to talk to my therapist, right?

So I take half a day off work yesterday, go home and log on five minutes before 2. It says she's not online yet, which happens. Sometimes she's taking a lunch, sometimes she's away from her computer, no big deal. So I wait.

At 2:15, I sent her an email saying, "Just checking in. Hope everything is ok."

At 2:30, I called her office. They didn't answer.

At 2:45, I called her office again and the receptionist said, "You're not on her schedule, I don't know what to tell you. She's probably in session."

At 3, I just kind of slowly closed everything down and gave up.

She emailed me back last night at 5:18 apologizing. I guess it didn't get put on her electronic calendar and she got sidetracked by a project and... like again, things happen. I get it.

But then she offers me Thursday at 3. I tell her I'm really not comfortable taking more time off work this week. So she offers me Tuesday at 3. My boss is going to be out of the office and I need to be here. So she offers me the 30th at 3. I already have an appointment that morning and I'm missing half a day to deal with that. So she offers me the 4th at 1. I tell her midday is really difficult for me, which is why we typically schedule late afternoon.

And she just responded, "I completely understand" and nothing else.

Am... like.. is she giving up? Is she done offering times now? I don't know what to do from here.

[awesomeaddiewhovian]

I have been on sleeping medication for basically my entire life.

As a kid, I could never fall asleep OR stay asleep, so I was given melatonin. When that stopped working, I was given Benadryl. Eventually I was bounced around to a BUNCH of different prescription medications trying to find something that worked. At one point, I ran out of my medication. I was in high school and dealing with a lot of stuff and was pretty embarrassed to tell my parents that I forgot I needed a refill, so I just went without. This resulted in 5 straight days of consciousness which, for those of you who don't know, is bad.

Really. Really. REALLY bad.

That's when your brain starts dying or eating itself or whatever the fuck. That's when you hallucinate and start "falling asleep" mid-sentence, only to wake up screaming ten seconds later.

Because of this incident specifically, I never allowed myself to run out of my sleeping medication (which I refer to as "sleepers") again.

Then I started having anxiety about running out and not realizing. (Way to go, undiagnosed ADHD!) So I found a backup. A drink called NeuroSleep that can be bought at Walmart and is- essentially- the opposite of an energy drink. I double checked it with every doctor I was seeing and they all said it looked fine, so I had a backup.

Fast forward more than a decade, I still struggle with sleep, but in a different way. I can sleep VERY consistently because I've grown used to taking my meds every single night at a specific time. However, in the morning, my body doesn't want to get out of bed. I am awake in my mind, saying to myself over and over and over "get up, man! You'll be late to work! Get UP!" But my body will not listen.

Then I ran out of my sleepers. No big deal, I always have two full bottles of NeuroSleep just in case. This is PLENTY because like two or three chugs and I'm out like a light. So I take a few chugs, maybe a few more than 2 or 3 cuz I REALLY needed to sleep that night. And when I woke up the next morning, I woke up in a different world.

Having chugged this drink at the same time I take my medicine, 9:30pm, I was more than a little surprised to wake up without the use of my many MANY alarms. Instead, it was 7am and I woke gently. It was peaceful. The sun was barely rising and the sky was an incredible shade of lavender that I thought was lost to me. My mind was quiet for what felt like the first time in my life and my body moved when I told it to.

I distinctly remember having the thought sweep over me: "Oh. This is what it's meant to be." There was such a burning joy in my chest, but instead of searing my heart, it settled there comfortably. It helped me in a time that I didn't know if help could be found.

This isn't to say I don't have issues sleeping anymore. I am in the process of being tested for narcolepsy and have a CPAP machine to use every night. But still to this day I don't take any sleepers. Still to this day, though I don't often need it, I have two bottles of NeuroSleep in the back of the fridge. Still to this day, the picture of the purple sky is the background on my phone. And still to this day, I have never seen a world as beautiful as the one I see when I wake up gently and of my own volition.

I started using Head and Shoulders ten years ago for itchy scalp and dandruff, and then for ten years I have not had itchy scalp and dandruff, so I thought “why do I still buy shampoo to combat itchy scalp and dandruff when I do not have itchy scalp and dandruff,” so I stopped buying the shampoo for itchy scalp and dandruff and can you guess I have now? Can you predict what currently afflicts me? It’s alright if you can’t because apparently I fuckin couldn’t either

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, January 1, 1996

 

I’m so psyched. I don’t know why, specifically, all I do know is that I have warm, happy and wonderful feelings for 1996 when I really thought I’d feel bummed out and like nothing good would come. Maybe it won’t. Maybe ‘96 will be a dead year, but right now I’m feeling just fine, unlike last New Year’s Eve, and that’s just fine with me.

Tom and I watched the ball go down which I love to do and now he’s in bed.

Yesterday I was pissed cuz the drawings faded big time on the very first shirt I did. The one I wore to Dave & Mary’s house on Christmas. So, early this morning Tom ironed the 3 I just did really good to melt the dyes into the fabric. I did a really beautiful flower drawing on one, patches of all the different colors on one, and my 22 song titles on one in different colors. I also put the years in that they were written.

The barometer is falling, but are we gonna get the much-needed storm once and for all? The weather line is fucked up. When I tried calling last night and tonight it just hung right up on me.

Speaking of phones, Andy told me that some service giving you the number of the last person to call by hitting *69 is free till 1/25. It even gives long-distance numbers, but after the 25th it’s 75¢ a trace. They even make caller ID give long-distance numbers, but before it would just say “out of area.”

Now I get to use the beautiful cat calendar Kim sent and see a new cat picture each day. Also, our monthly dog calendar that’s in the kitchen.

Well, now I’ve written for 10 different years and 10 different ages. Wow!

Wednesday, January 3, 1996

 

I had awesome artwork luck which I’m still working on. The lower kitchen cabinets have a total of 6 doors. I’m doing different drawings on each one. So far I’ve done a saguaro, a rose, carnations, a flamingo by a tree at the ocean, more carnations in a watering pot and I’ve got one more to do which will be a palm tree. I’m gonna do the two upper cabinets too which are centered over the sink in a pretty pink and purple floral design. I’m also planning on doing the 4 cabinet doors of the linen closet. For it, I’ll do a bear, a dog, lilies and tulips. On the wall by the cabinets in the kitchen, I’m gonna do ballet slippers. Tom’s dresser has 4 drawers and on each one, I’ll do a flower in the center. Here are the colors they’ll be - blue, orange, pink and purple.

Jenny’s phone certificate will be here in about 5 days and I’ll mail it out with her letter. I printed a copy of Jenny’s letter out for me to copy in here which I’ll do eventually.

I got 5 photo cards of animals today from the humane society. My parents and Tammy will get dogs, Larry a cat, Kim will get sheep and Bob can have the bird.

Thursday, January 4, 1996

 

Well, I have decided what I’m gonna do with my cat pictures from the calendar when it’s done. I’m gonna decorate my journal covers with them.

Kim finally left a message. She’s been really busy. What else is new?

Tom’s still sick, but is getting better. Once he’s well, we’ll have sex for 3-4 days in a row till the next problem with one of us comes up which will be within a week. Tom couldn’t have been sick at a better time, though. I know there’s no good time to be sick and feel miserable, but my sex drive’s been pretty low.

Tom told me his New Year’s resolution was to make me all the things he promised he’d make me. I want to believe in his sincerity, but only time will tell. I hope he remembers that one of the things he promised to make with me was a baby and put his actions where his mouth is on that one, but I don’t know. I still can’t believe he wrote that agreement of ours in the journal. I really thought he’d argue it, thinking to himself, “If she decides to divorce me, she could use this against me and sue for psychological abuse.”

I don’t think so! I’d live in the courthouse if I were to try to sue all those that put me on about this and that and who played with or abused my mind.

He’s gotta know something I don’t. Have a plan or some kind of trick up his sleeve, but we’ll just have to see.

I’m still feeling good mentally, but I hope it’s for real that I have good feelings and not just a suggestive feeling cuz I want to feel happy, positive and hopeful. Only time will tell.

No package or envelope or whatever the hell my parents are sending their new flag catalogs in. Maybe today or tomorrow, but probably today.

A few pages back I said I’d discuss my chat with Andy later. What did we discuss? I don’t remember us discussing anything important. Right now Michelle and he are out stealing Stevie’s garbage. I hope he doesn’t get caught. He said he had to urge to finally call her, but she’s changed her number. Well, of course. Famous people are always changing their numbers and Andy said that even Barbara said she’s always changing it. Andy’s confident he’ll get her new number from her trash. Why is a famous person stupid enough to leave it where the public can get it? I’d hire someone I trusted to bring it to the dump or burn or shred up personal info.

We also spoke to Karson and Quinn too, and that’s about it for now.

Below is the letter I’m sending Jenny.

Dear Jenny,

My brother has told me that you might be interested in resuming our friendship. I’m sorry for the problems we’ve had in the past and am sure that a lot has changed with both of us since then. I have been through more changes than I ever thought I could or would go through, but so as not to overwhelm you with too much, I’ll just give you a quick rundown of my life. As you know I’m very happily married which I certainly didn’t think was in the cards for me. I’m very blessed and lucky to be with this man who totally lets me be myself. Tom has given me quite a bit (including a funny last name). He’s 38, works at a bank and his main thing is computers. When we first met I asked him to just show me how to turn the computer on so I could type and print out letters. Hundreds of things later, I’m addicted for life to computers. Sorry I don’t bother with paragraphs, though. Phoenix is absolutely beautiful! I love it and do not miss the cold and the snow one bit. I do love to tease those I know that are still there about it, though. I didn’t think I’d ever get lucky enough to get out here for a while there. I came here 6/9/1992. I’ve been into lots of new things since being out here and still love music and art. This may shock you, but I’ve gone from being a lousy singer to a fairly decent one, so maybe someday Tom and I can get the equipment that’ll allow us to make a CD here at home and maybe distribute it through the computer internet. As you also probably know, I’ve been put into stereo and can now hear out of 2 ears. It’s not anywhere near as good as the other ear, but it’s enough to make a difference and listening to music with headphones is pretty neat. A lot has changed, as I said, and sometimes I honestly believe that the only things left that are the same are my shortness, my long hair and my psychotic laugh. I’m still talkative and a bit hyper at times, but that’s just my nature. We started a computer business (Mystery Computer Enterprises) but it’s doing lousy so far, so hopefully we can pick up and improve on that. Meanwhile, there’s always plenty of stuff we do. Remember how I bought my first journal in the Enfield mall with you in 1987? Well, I’m now on my 105th journal, so the habit has stuck with me. It’s important for me to tell you not to feel pressured or obligated to call or write to me. Also, if you do call, don’t be too shocked if you have a hard time reaching me at times as I’m in and out and have a weird schedule. You can call at any hour and if we’re asleep, our voice messaging service will pick up our calls and not disturb us. I have a long-time friend here, also from the east, who works 2nd shift and calls at 3 AM at times. Larry said you thought I’d have your number, but I haven’t used it in quite a while, so I don’t have it. However, I don’t want you to feel pressured or obligated to give me your number if you don’t want to. Lastly, I’d like you to know that if you do call, we can talk about whatever you want to and we can not talk about whatever you don’t want to. Sorry to hear your mother’s not in good health. I hope she gets better and that you and the rest of your family are OK. I sure do have a lot of things I wonder about you. I wonder what you’ve been up to over these last 9 years and what’s going on with you in the present. In case you haven’t gotten my number from Larry, I’ll enclose it for you. Meanwhile, I hope you had a happy birthday and a Merry Christmas!

Jodi Lin

Later...

Tom’s up now, but not feeling too good still.

If Larry or Jenny thinks Jenny’s letter is too much, that’s their problem. I don’t know why I still feel not overly enthusiastic about this, but it seems to mean a lot to her and Larry, the certificate’s bought, so we’ll see. I don’t know why, since I’ve been over shit that’s gone down between Jenny and I for many years, but a part of me hopes she’ll decide not to call. I try to remind myself that people do change and that just cuz she came between Larry and I and he came between Jenny and I in the past doesn’t mean they’ll do it again. Besides, I’ll just dump them if they do.

Later...

What a crab! I know Tom really does feel miserable, but must he take it out on me as he has this morning and yesterday morning? I told him he better stop or else I’m not gonna want to help him as I have been. I hope he gets better soon.

I spoke to Tammy who’s really pissed off about the snow. She’s got 2½ feet of it. Ha, ha! They’re getting more snow, too. Hee hee! And it’s 10º and will be below 0º at night. Ho-ho! She was like - goodbye, Jodi - when I told her how our weather is. Late night and early morning suck, though.

She says they only got one package, and so what that Ma’s sending her some of her old clothes. She isn’t getting any catalogs or flags, either. I really think she’s showered me with gifts cuz she knows I can’t have a kid.

I may have forgotten to mention meeting Gloria who lives behind us. She and her retired husband have been here for over 40 years. She says most of the houses out back there are old widows. No wonder it’s so quiet back there, thankfully. They too, can’t stand the two collies two yards down and their non-stop barking, but they’ve got it worse being on that alley. Those dogs are being so neglected, though, and it’s so cruel. Like the M’s dog and all other dogs here, they’re out 24/7. In 40º weather, in 115º weather, and T-storms.

So, Gloria mentioned calling this number for barking dogs and cruelty, but who knows if she really will? She told me when we met when we had the tag sale what she told me today. She wants to shoot them even though she has no gun. Hopefully, someone will, but wait till the dog(s) move in next door. Then it’ll be a million times worse, not to mention their kid’s noise. Anyway, I hope she’s not a talker and that she calls. Someone’s got to take care of these dogs and I know Tom wouldn’t. He’s very anti-complaining or suing. If a doctor fucked him up in any wrong way, he’d never sue or report it. If a doctor fucked me up in any wrong way, he’d probably try talking me out of it saying it wouldn’t change anything. I would hope it’d protect others from the same shit.

Friday, January 5, 1996

 

Boy, am I tired today. Yesterday I had been up a very long time before I finally fell asleep, then Tom woke me up several times. He was coughing and sniffling, so I got up after 6 hours of sleep when I could’ve used about 10. I got up at 10:00 and then managed to nap from 3:00-5:00. I still feel kind of tired, but I’m alive. Again I ask myself - do I really want a kid and do I really want to get up every hour for months? Is it worth it? Is it worth being angry at God when all he’s obviously trying to do is save my life, sanity, and marriage?

Part of me wishes we had our own rooms again. That way I wouldn’t be bothered by his snoring or alarm. It’s also always dark in there cuz of the stuff in the windows making it nice and relaxing for daytime listening to music and singing. It’s quieter in there for writing. There are a few negs to his moving back into his own room, though. He’ll trash it and make it impossible to dust and vacuum due to the millions of papers that’d litter the furniture and floors. I’d also have to keep my voice way down when on the phone and I couldn’t sing at night.

Kim called who’s gonna be sending stamps. That’s nice and that’ll help. She’s going to Florida where her brother lives from the 9th-23rd. Today she’s going skiing in Vermont and said it was -4º and would only reach 16º today.

Later...

Where are those fucking catalogs Ma said she sent?

Anyway, I have a very weird experience to tell about that I’ve never experienced before in my life and it involves Kim. About 5 nights ago in a half-assed way and pretty much as a joke, I said, “OK, God. Show me a sign in a dream. If I dream of pregnancy or kids, it just may be meant to be. If not, I truly am wasting my time on an impossible dream. Show me within a week.”

Amazingly enough, I remember one second of a flash of a dream I had last night where I saw a woman with a big belly wearing blue. But it wasn’t me. I was confused at first, cuz I just can’t see God changing his mind and allowing me to get pregnant, whether or not I’m feeling positive, and whether or not Tom’s cumming. Then I told Kim about it who said that it was a weird coincidence seeing she just dreamt she saw a pregnant belly, then looked down and saw it was hers. I was about to tell her the belly was covered in blue, but then she took the words right out of my mouth and said the belly was covered in blue. So it was her I saw. Why would I see this in a dream, though?

If anyone can say they want something and then get it, it’s Kim, and I hope, for her sake, she does have the two kids she says she wants. I know she’d be a great mom, but she just doesn’t fit the qualifications for it and I don’t see it. She says she plans on getting pregnant as soon as she and Doug are married. Well, I can’t and won’t pray to God for myself to get pregnant, but if she really does marry him, I’ll ask God to please let her have the kids.

I asked Tom earlier what he’d say if I backed out of our appointment in April, not that I would. I asked if he’d say, “OK. No problem.” Or, “But I want a kid too, and we promised each other.” He said he’d make me follow through with my commitment. Wow. I thought he’d never argue it if I changed my mind. I can’t see us going to a doctor any more than I can see him cumming. I wonder why? I still wonder what ideas he could be cooking up in his head. Maybe to break the news of how he never wanted a kid where there are so-called professionals around to keep me from doing something stupid to him or myself. Who knows? In 15 months, I’ll know.

Later...

I just did Tom a favor and took out 3 bags of garbage for the first time since I’ve lived here.

Anyway, I told Andy I can no longer call people with him and wake them up at night even though I just listen in. We’ve done this twice and within 3 days after it, I get woken up. Why is it that God’s always punished and paid me back in the same way for this but never Andy? He can wake people up and get away with it, but I can’t. He can make pranks and dodge getting charged for it, but I couldn’t. He can be pushy, though, and do the opposite of what I ask more than Tom, so I hope this means he won’t be bringing up the idea of it more. He really is pushy, though. I said I hate it when we’re on the phone and he goes chatting with Michelle. He says he hates it too, but does it anyway. Mainly on the machine. I left him a message earlier not to bother calling today since he’s homesick and I’m tired. Well, that’s nice that he said he hopes we feel better, but did he have to leave 3 messages? What he told me could’ve waited. He said a wacko tenant and a maintenance guy read some Bob letters he stuck in the laundry room that I had given him.

Saturday, January 6, 1996

 

I did an awesome drawing of a woman. There’s one problem, though. It looks nothing like the person I was trying to draw which is Gloria.

I was talking to Andy when my throat began getting scratchy and I was like, oh no! I hope I’m not getting what Tom just got over. I’m fine now, thank God, but my lungs were tight as hell. I took a Benadryl capsule which made me drowsy.

Tom went to work on his aunt’s water pipes and I guess she paid him good money cuz he just called and said he’s gonna stop at KFC. So, that’s good that we can afford that on top of the groceries we’re gonna need tomorrow.

I can’t believe that having to go a week and a half without sex was no problem for me, but it wasn’t. I wonder if we’ll do anything tomorrow. Will he cum? No way. I know he won’t.

We filled out an application to be customers of Excel and we put Kim’s name down as our representative. I can’t mail it out yet till she gives me her ID#. I left her a message about it.

Today animal cards with flower drawings went out to Bob, Larry, Tammy and my parents. I’m holding off any mail to Kim till the 22nd. If I mailed something out on the 22nd which is a Monday, it should arrive on the 25th. Two days after she returns.

I totally love her cat calendar and the weekend has two smaller pictures of cats. It’s supposed to be for an office, so they figure you’re probably not gonna be there to change it to Sunday.

Andy was bitching non-stop for quite a while about the coworkers of his that he hates. He really loves to talk about others, but I don’t mind. The guy’s got to get it out somehow.

Monday, January 8, 1996

 

I’m actually outside right now in my bikini and yes, it is hot! It’s 78º which isn’t much for Arizona, but after sitting out in the sun long enough it does get hot.

And now I’m back inside now and I got a little teeny bit of color. Not much, though, since it is January. I was laughing my ass off out there knowing that I just spoke to Tammy and Kim who have over 2’ of snow and who are freezing. When I spoke to Tammy yesterday it was 82º here and below 0º there. That’s nearly a 100º difference! Today I called Kim, then called Tammy 3-way. Everything’s shut down there. They even evacuated the coastal areas. The airport is shut down, so if Kim doesn’t leave tomorrow, she’ll leave Wednesday.

I told Tammy yesterday that I had a bad vibe for January 22nd. I said I had no clue as to if it involved one or more family members or if it was physical, emotional or financial. I only know that January 22nd is not gonna be a good day.

Jenny’s phone certificate came today, and I’ll mail that and her letter out tomorrow, so she’ll probably get it Friday. This still feels a bit awkward. A part of me doesn’t care. I mean, what’s the point? Also, I still feel there’s a great part of both her and Larry that feels she never did a damn thing wrong to me and that I owe her and that I had to prove myself to her. Fuck that shit. Neither of us owes the other a thing, but she’ll have to prove to me that she’s worthy enough to talk to here and there over the phone.

It may also be this - a lot of people love to get mail, so maybe she feels that opening doors here will get her regular mail and drawings, too. Maybe. Maybe not. And maybe I’ll write to her, but maybe I won’t.

I wonder what happened to Sarah or if I’ll ever hear from her again.

I had sex with Tom yesterday which was enjoyable, but if you think my being 30 and the year being 1996 has changed him, think again. He’s still up to the same old shit. He says it’s unlikely I’ll be pregnant in 30 days, but that it’s more likely in 60-90. I won’t be pregnant at any such time, but how does he figure this?

Lately, I absolutely can’t see us ever going to a doctor any more than I can see myself pregnant. I believe that’s cuz we both won’t want to go. He won’t cuz he doesn’t want a kid and I won’t cuz I know I couldn’t force him into fatherhood.

Before he went down on me yesterday, he spent a good 10-15 minutes in the bathroom. Then a few hours later he was in there about 15 minutes after we screwed. I’m sure he relieved himself one of those times.

He said something pretty funny yesterday while we were watching a movie where this woman practically rapes this guy. The guy in the movie said he got hard cuz it was an involuntary reflex thing. Tom was saying that it’s common for women to be aroused during a rape.

Give me a break! How could they feel anything but fear and pain? Tom said getting aroused and getting off is a normal thing that humans do. Well, I guess he’s only half normal since he only does the getting aroused part and it’s with someone who isn’t trying to rape him.

Tuesday, January 9, 1996

 

Tom’s cold is back again. I told him something would come up again with one of us. Is there ever any end to the things that constantly come up?

Yesterday Tom finally decided that he tries to do too many things at once which puts pressure on him. I told him this a long time ago. Now he says that doing more things for fun will help relax him more to make a baby. Well, he knows I don’t buy anything till I see it.

He also says he’s gonna keep a log of how often and how long he does things. He said, “If I see I’ve done 27 hours of computer programming in a month, but have nothing to show for it, then I’ll have to work on it.”

I wanted so badly to say, “You’ve had sex with me for over two years and you haven’t got an orgasm to show for it let alone a kid,” but this would just hurt his feelings. If it didn’t, he may pretend it did.

I forgot to mention that I guess the picture I drew of Gloria does look like her, cuz as soon as Tom saw it, he said, “Excellent picture of Gloria.”

Later...

About 4 hours ago I came down with a sore throat. Tom’s also still congested and has a cough, so he got us sore throat/cough drops. He got us two different kinds. One helped a little and one has helped a lot.

I think my period’s starting too, which is good cuz it’ll get some of this water off of me and relieve my sore tits. I did amazingly well on my diet today and hope to keep it up till I’m around 95 pounds. So, this has been the easiest PMS as far as the mental side of it goes. Also, my face didn’t break out in a million zits, so that’s nice.

Andy’s coming over to get NPNs to mail out and his little notes to distribute. I’ve left them in between the front door and the screen door. In exchange, he’s leaving me a couple of packs of smokes which will help. This way we can spend what very little money we have on other things till Friday when he gets paid.

Either in this book or beginning my next, I’ll be “starting over.” Meaning, I am finally gonna begin to write as if I’ve never written before since I’m now a much better writer who isn’t so vague and who explains things.

This year for Andy’s birthday, I believe we’ll get him a toaster, but I’ve got an idea for his next birthday. To write him a journal.

Wednesday, January 10, 1996

 

I still have a cold, but it’s mild compared to the colds I usually get, luckily. Been taking Benadryl, Ibuprofen, and cough drops and sleeping a lot.

Tom says this is the perfect time for me to reaffirm that he feels I’d be a good mother. When I asked why he said, “Cuz you can’t take care of someone else if you can’t take care of yourself.”

Yeah, well I highly doubt I could take care of myself if we had a child right now.

Anyway, I’m gonna go watch Law & Order soon, then I’ll probably sleep more.

Thursday, January 11, 1996

 

My sore throat is gone, but I’m still coughing and my body has that cold-like feeling. Sounds are softer and my head feels heavy. Nonetheless, this has been the easiest cold I’ve ever had and it’s moving through my system quickly.

Now this is really, really weird, but I sensed I could be pregnant after 1 or 2 more periods. Tom said I wouldn’t be wrong.

Oh? Does he know something I don’t or is he just playing along with me in his mind?

Alex must be quite busy skiing since I’ve had no email from him.

I wonder if Kim made it to Florida with the record inches of snow they’ve had. Tom and I think so.

No wonder I never got any packages from Mom & Dad. Dad thought Mom sent it and ma thought dad sent it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenny doesn’t get her letter till Monday, rather than tomorrow. Most of me still doesn’t feel like dealing with her.

I still don’t feel well enough to sit here and write too much, so bye for now.

Sunday, January 14, 1996

 

My cold is still lingering, but it’s still been the easiest cold I’ve ever had.

I called Larry earlier even though tomorrow’s his birthday. I told him I was calling today cuz I didn’t know if he’d be working tomorrow or what my schedule would be due to my cold. Also, I figured Tammy would call tomorrow and keep him on the phone all day. He laughed when I said that cuz that’s exactly what he told me when he called me the day before my birthday.

He says there are 60 inches of snow and it’s -16º! No wonder he hasn’t gotten his birthday card yet. Jenny couldn’t have gotten her letter and certificate yet, either.

I also quickly talked to Sandy and Jennifer, but Larry was at a friend’s house.

I got two letters from Kim who said, “By now you should’ve gotten the stamps.” I haven’t gotten any stamps yet and that fucking mailman better not have misdelivered them.

Tom was watching me feed the birds the other day and according to him, there are Mexican doves out there besides pigeons and sparrows.

Later today he’s gonna pick up a bottle of ink so we can try to re-ink a ribbon. He’s skeptical, but I believe it’ll work.

Later...

I forgot to mention that Andy brought over a purple dress which he found in the dumpster and it is absolutely gorgeous and it fits perfectly. Tom said he’ll let me know when to try it on for him, rather than me surprising him with it. That’ll be never or a very long time from now.

Lots of birds are out back now in the iron fortress that Andy describes our backyard as.

Tom worked on fixing the washer machine to make it fill up faster.

As usual, he’s waiting till the end of his day for sex when he’ll be more tired and will have it easier as far as holding back goes.

As far as his new theory goes, he says he realized his “problem” is in his subconscious. He says he’s gonna look at things differently with a different attitude and not do so many things for a specific purpose.

Well, I don’t buy it. He managed to start to convince me this would work and he said he really believes he hit upon the right answer/solution and that he had to go through everything else we tried to get to this point, but it’s all bullshit as far as I see it. I see this now for what it really is. It’s all part of his game. To get me all psyched up for nothing only to let me down. Well, I ain’t gonna fall for it and be a foolish naïve little sucker.

Monday, January 15, 1996

 

Today I feel worse than I did yesterday. Tom says it’s cuz I overdid yesterday.

Tom got me a real treat today. He got two puzzles and a really nice journal for only $1.99. It’s a picture of a live butterfly on purple flowers.

In a half-hour, I’ll be watching a movie I’m taping.

Tom’s asleep now and he was kind enough to do the dishes for me. It took him a while even though he did a good job. He’s just not used to caring for the house and housekeeping like I am. Tom also washed and dried the laundry, but I managed to fold it and put it away.

Due to this cold being the easiest one I ever had, I’m surprised it’s still hanging on. Tom says it takes 7-10 days to run through your system. True.

I hope Larry gets his belated birthday card tomorrow and I wonder if Jenny will get her stuff. I’m glad the snow delayed my mail to Jenny and that she hasn’t called. I don’t feel like talking to anyone like this.

A big part of me still hopes Jenny doesn’t call. Although, even if she’s decided not to she’ll probably feel obligated cuz of the certificate.

What the hell else can I say to her, though? I figure I’ll probably sound distant to her. Watch - she’ll no doubt take that as being rude and run and tell Larry that. If Larry mentions her mentioning me sounding rude or whatever, I’ll just tell him that perhaps I ought to not get involved cuz I don’t need any shit from anyone.

The two puzzles Tom got are not all that great and we both know it. However, they were really cheap and it’s a good thing to do when you have a cold. One is of red and yellow flowers in front of a wooden fence in California. The other is of Brice Canyon in Utah.

Tuesday, January 16, 1996

 

I just spoke to Andy who told me some pretty gross cockroach stories. Luckily, though, he and Michelle are moving at the end of the month. They’re finally gonna bomb his building early in the morning on the 23rd. Therefore, he’s gonna need to sleep here. He says he’ll be over at 4:30 AM, go to bed, get up at 1:30 PM, shower, and then go to work. I’m sure Tom won’t mind.

Too bad he can’t get in Quinn’s bed, since he loves the guy so much, but Quinn’s just too in the closet.

He said he microwaved something for over a minute. Then when he went to pull his food out, a cockroach ran out! How’d it survive being nuked?

Then he was holding a strip of meat to his mouth with his fingers when he felt something tickle between his middle and ring fingers. Gross!

He also said he went to swat a roach and its guts splattered in his eye. Even grosser!

I wrote Minnie and Bob letters by hand since I had nothing better to do and he’s asleep right by the computer. I hope Minnie can find the time to write back this time.

I still can’t believe God can be so cruel and unfair as to have a child raped into her that she says she’ll give up, but hell if he’ll give me a child! Anyway, these are the kinds of things one much accept and expect. God don’t make no mistakes - bullshit!

Later...

This is weird. My tits usually get lumpy before your period. Mine are still lumpy since I got such a half-assed period. I just hope to hell my PMS before my next period isn’t a nightmare with bloating and sore tits. The sore tits and bloating are the worst part of it.

I’m gonna have to dye the underarms of the purple dress Andy gave me cuz they’re pinkish because whoever wore it sweat their ass off. If she who wore it wasn’t hot, she sure must’ve been nervous as all hell and very uncomfortable about the occasion she wore it to. It’s too bad that the people who made this beautiful dress didn’t think of this. They should’ve put a type of water repellent on it. Putting that on it alone would probably discolor it, though.

Later...

I thought of what I’m gonna do at the end of the year with my dog calendar pictures. It’s high time I remove the watercolor pictures from the boarded window in the living room. They’ve been there long enough and a change is due, so, this is where those dog pictures will go.

Can you believe I’m 30 years old, yet still have occasional dreams with Donna A in them? Last night I dreamt of her and Denise M, but don’t really remember what it was about. I believe at one point I was at Valleyhead again with something like 5 days left till I was to be discharged.

Thursday, January 18, 1996

 

Let me begin with some nice news before I get to the bad. My cold is virtually gone, so that’s nice.

Yesterday I was amazed to get that third oldie CD in the mail. There was a form to have a friend try one for 10 days and I’d get one free, so Tammy’s gonna be the friend and we’ll see. This time, though, I can almost guarantee they won’t send it.

I also got 60 stamps from Kim which was really nice of her.

Got my parent’s flag catalog. They’ve got a few nice new flags I’m planning on drawing one of these days.

Lastly, I got a typical boring Bob letter.

A big crash woke me up a couple of hours too soon. It was very windy yesterday and their living room awning came crashing down next door. Next door’s been gone for nearly 5 months, yet I get woken up by next door today. Hope that’s not a sign of trouble to come. It’s probably my payback for cussing out God last night, but believe me, I had a really damn good reason to and I’ll explain later what that sick, evil, mother-fucking bastard did this time who’s so fucking busy doing the wrong things for the wrong people.

Friday, January 19, 1996

 

I just got done talking to Andy and he may call me back later.

So, what did the sick, cruel, unfair, evil bastard do this time? Well, 23-year-old, young, dumb, naïve, whacked out, on-and-off druggie Karson’s pregnant. Like Andy said, “Thank God.” He’s a real winner.

Tammy called before I woke up and she and Tom talked computer talk for quite a while. She got the 3 game disks we sent today and she had questions as to how to install them.

Later...

Someone tried to call early last evening, but if it was Jenny, who knows? Tom says it’s probably curiosity that’s driving her to resume the friendship if this is really what she’s hoping for. I don’t even know if she got her letter and certificate, but I’d say she probably did.

Tom will be getting up in a half-hour, but is there any chance he’ll initiate sex? Most certainly not.

We were joking about what is still a serious matter earlier. He was playing this really cool game on the computer called Balistic when he said he wished he’d hurry up and lose cuz he wanted to go to bed. Then I said that if he didn’t want to go to bed, he’d probably lose then. Just like the baby thing. It’s those who don’t want one who are given one. Then he said that that ought to prove he really does want one. I said, “Yeah!” Then, “But I’m sure that all it takes is one person to want it.”

We laughed as he said that wasn’t true.

So anyway, I told Tom, “The next time we have sex, fantasize about being a druggie and killing people and tell yourself you hope this doesn’t make a baby, then we might get one.”

Well, the last of those 3 fantasies is really true as far as he’s concerned. I do want to believe he wants a kid, but I’m still 99.9% sure he doesn’t, is full of shit and is just all talk for the sake of pleasing me.

The last time we screwed was really frustrating. We just couldn’t get the angle right and there was so much air pressure in me cuz he entered me hard and not semi-hard and cuz I’m small and he’s big.

Andy and Michelle found an apt. They’re moving on March 1st and he brought up a suggestion for his birthday other than a toaster. The same thing I got him two birthdays ago. Address labels.

We attempted to re-ink old ribbons, but so far it’s been nothing but a mess and a hassle. I’m sure we’ll find an easier way, though.

I’m in the kitchen now making Lipton garlic noodles.

Monday, January 22, 1996

 

I hope I’m wrong as far as my bad vibe for Tammy is concerned today.

Tom just got out of the shower and is getting ready for work.

Want to hear something weird? Well, for months I’ve been weighing 102-104 on the average, but during the last week, I’ve been 98-100, so that’s cool.

Tom’s parents aren’t doing too well. His mom’s arthritis is bad and his dad has under a year to live.

When he was over there on Saturday, Ma gave him some pictures from Christmas at Mary’s to take home and a cat & dog calendar. I put the calendar in the living room where Kim’s daily cat calendar had been and have begun cutting out cat pictures to decorate journals with.

Speaking of journals, due to us being broke I gave up buying lotion and birdseed to get a great deal at Wal-Mart yesterday. They had 112-page journals for $1.97, so I got 4.

It’s amazing how great and how much better things have been with Tom and I. We haven’t had our weekend fights in 2-3 months.

Tuesday, January 23, 1996

 

Kim will be returning from Florida today. Back to the cold and the snow. Is she really that close to her mother and Doug that she won’t move to Florida when she could afford to? I guess she is. I wonder how many letters Kim will have from Bob waiting for her at the post office.

Tom will be getting in, in 10 minutes and I guess Andy will be here soon too.

I spoke to Tammy yesterday late morning her time and all was still well. I hope I was wrong for her sake, but I still have gloomy feelings revolving around her.

Jenny had to have gotten her stuff before the weekend and so far, it looks like she did get cold feet. I kind of hope so. I more than kind of hope so, but what did she want from me? A quick 5 bucks to use towards her phone bill?

I wonder if Tom had a hard time sleeping knowing Andy was gonna be here. If this is so, it really does a great job of convincing me he wants a kid and can handle a third party around.

Later...

I finally finished cutting out and taping in all those cat pictures from the calendar Kim sent.

I would assume Kim’s on the phone now. Lucky for her that she doesn’t smoke.

Tom’s had no problem with Andy being here and is just as glad to help him out as I am. Andy was gonna sleep on the couch, but I threw him in my bed so I could have the TV.

Speaking of TV, I’m pissed. Now I can’t get the picture to go away at all when I turn the power switch off. How the hell am I gonna record anything now? I had to turn it off by the cable box, but I need that on to record shit. I hope Tom can fix it. We need so many things, yet we have no money.

Then there’s my clock radio. Andy asked to sleep to the radio and that quit on me as I was tuning into KHITS.

If it isn’t just because or if it isn’t Robin, could there be some other entity lurking around that I don’t know about? An evil spirit? One who wants to hold us back in life? And keep me bored? No, I’m not always very good at entertaining myself and keeping myself busy and well-occupied.

I’d like to sing now, but that’d wake Andy up and he doesn’t have to get up for another half-hour.

It is so quiet here today. No barking from two houses down which is a surprise cuz they usually bark constantly.

Andy showed me his journal which I think is ugly. It’s a drawing of a girl in the woods with a pitiful dress and I hate the yellow/orange color scheme. I showed him my new ones. Some he liked, some he didn’t.

He was impressed with my latest artwork. Gloria’s drawing and the kitchen cabinets.

I wrote 8 pages in his journal and typed a certain letter that I’ll explain later.

The birds are major beggars too, by the way.

Later...

Andy got up at 1:30 and took off an hour later. I thought his days of breaking shit, although non-deliberately, were over. For some reason, the shower head’s pressure is weaker. He even mentioned something about it, too. I also heard these weird screeching sounds when he was showering, but that wouldn’t be connected to the shower massage itself.

He got a big kick out of a letter he’s gonna stamp and mail. A guy named Jim T lives at his complex and a girl named Shelly S from Kansas sent him a birthday card. However, his letter was misdelivered to Andy’s. So, I typed a wacky letter to Shelly from Jim and hopefully, Shelly will write to Jim and let him know just how ashamed of him she is.

Andy went straight to work so he won’t have time to read the 8 pages I wrote in his journal till he gets home.

Later...

Tom just got home and is watching TV.

I sang after Andy left and now I’m gonna go listen to music.

Wednesday, January 24, 1996

 

It’s fucking freezing! Yesterday morning and this morning everything froze and steam was emanating from the pool. There was a thin sheet of ice on the lounge out back which is normally just wet morning dew. The grass was also frozen stiff.

Today I’m gonna dust, vacuum, wash kitchen appliances and clean the bathroom.

I finally got the TV to turn off yesterday, but Tom’s been dropping hints to his folks. They’ve been mentioning getting a new TV and maybe we’ll get theirs.

Tom says there is hope for us financially and that we may even be able to go to California this year. He says our tax return will help, then he also went on to tell me his ideas for a second mortgage and refinancing the house. This will allow us to fix the leaky roof over the back room. Luckily, though, the roof over the rest of the house is fine.

Thursday, January 25, 1996

 

I was right about the 22nd, but first let me mention that Andy will be sleeping over again next Tuesday. They never bombed his place which he was so pissed about and I don’t blame him. They left him a note saying they didn’t bomb cuz people didn’t cover their dishes. So he bitched the office out saying they should have sense enough to know he’d be washing them due to all the roaches all over them. They should’ve left everyone notes to wash any exposed dishes during the bombing. Tom says that if he lives surrounded by trees, they can spray and bomb all they want, but they’ll keep coming back. I asked Andy why he doesn’t just say fuck it and wait till he moves which is just barely over a month away. He says he doesn’t want to take them with him. I told him to just make sure anything he packs in boxes doesn’t have roaches in it and he says it’s not that easy cuz the situation is that bad.

On the 22nd, after I spoke to Tammy and at the end of the day there, all kinds of shit went down with Lisa, but I’ll write about it after getting some more of this typed up.

Later...

Andy liked what I wrote in his journal and read it to Michelle. He said he was amazed at how much I wrote, having beat him already. He wrote 6 pages and I wrote 8.

I have to type up at least one more journal so I can use multi-colored print as I’ve been doing for people’s letters due to our black ribbon being sort of dead. There’s green, blue, purple, red and magenta.

Tom never emptied out the water in the EC which is now running off the roof and leaking down into the back room.

Why does God insist I basically live in old places as well as have me be in weird sexual issues? There’s always something going on that’s fucked up or broken, as well as I’m always involved in some kind of sexual issue that’s negative/abnormal. When I was born did God say, “I’m gonna make sure she always deals with second best or worse and either she or her partners must have problems sexually.” First I was too tight, then couldn’t get anyone I was attracted to (except for a few times) now it’s Tom’s refusing to cum. Can’t God leave all alone for once as far as sex is concerned? I’ve had and still have enough other things about me that are different.

I guess it all comes down to two things again. God being unfair and compensating me for the things I do have and can do.

Anyway, what’s going on with Lisa is that according to Tammy she’s doing horrible in school. Bullying teachers and classmates and getting Fs like never before. Now I know some of it is typical teenage shit, but I know the bulk of her ways are Tammy-inspired. With Tammy screaming and bitching and cutting her down so much, what does she expect? And Bill isn’t exactly father of the year, either. Tammy and Bill are both so serious and tense constantly. Tammy says she’s aggressively looking into a private school for Lisa.

Great. That’ll really solve things and make Lisa feel better about herself and about life and like her parents want, love and care for her. I even asked Tammy if she thought this might make Lisa feel rejected and cause more trouble and her answer was that she hoped it made Lisa feel the same amount of rejection and pain as it was doing to her. She says Lisa’s embarrassed her and when I asked her since when did she give a shit about what others think, she said she always has. Yeah, I guess this is true for her. Larry walking out of our lives really hit her hard whereas I looked at it as, “Oh, well. This is life. Shit like this happens all the time, so what’s one more person dumping me when my own parents did that?”

What is it - a family tradition to send your kids away? Is this hereditary? Tammy almost got sent away herself as did Larry.

Like I said I know all kids cause trouble and that Tammy’s not the worst mother, but I really believe she’s pretty much a carbon copy of our mom and that’s bad enough. I’m not there all the time to see everything that goes on, but I know my sister well enough to know what she’s like. She’ll never change. The only thing that’s changed with her is that she quit cutting me down cuz she knows I won’t listen to it or bother with her. I also appreciate for life her getting me out of Massachusetts, then out of Connecticut, but Tammy is still Tammy. The same as always and I feel so bad for those kids of hers and really feel one of two things will happen. The state will either take them away and they’ll go through the same shit I did in foster homes or she’ll kick them out one by one. The state already threatened to take her kids away once.

I hate how more people need to get involved, but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do, but I hope someone closer to them will.

I hate to say this, but Tammy, like my mother, never should’ve had kids. In a way, I believe it’d be best for the girls to live with a good person(s). I know Tammy would love the peace and quiet and having no kids around and she’s expressed to me enough times how motherhood sucks and how she has no time for herself. She could have this if she were big enough to find a better place for the girls to live or got help for herself, but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

Later...

Anyway, all this shit with Tammy and Lisa has sent Tom’s fear of when he said he was afraid I’d say mean things to a kid if we had one playing through my head over and over. He’s so right and I don’t want to go through the same shit Tammy’s going through. I’d be a lousy mom and I couldn’t live with myself for putting any child through what I went through. Tammy and I may be different, but we come from the same parents who were abusive.

As long as Tom refuses to cum, I’ll always believe he doesn’t want a kid and believes I’d be a bad mom. I realize more and more how I should follow my head and not my heart and avoid pregnancy, not that that’d be a hard thing to do. Like I have a damn thing to worry about as far as getting pregnant goes anyway?

Tom says Lisa’s an individual, as everyone is, so it’s not necessarily true that the other two will deal with things the way she has. Also, Bill’s not her father, so no matter how loving he is, they’ve both got that to deal with subconsciously.

I’m making pork chops now, so I’m gonna go eat while I watch Little House on the Prairie, then clean the bathroom.

Later...

I straightened up the very trashed patio a bit. Is Tom ever gonna neaten up?! He promised me a long time ago he’d call David to come over and get the old water tanks and the other old chair, but he still hasn’t called him. They’ll be here for months. Will he ever do the things he’s said he’s gonna do? This is another reason I’m afraid to have a kid with him. He’s gonna help influence it to be a slob as well as make false promises to it. Well, I’ll never have to worry about this as we both know.

The old twin-size foam pad and two old pillows were out there that he never threw away when I asked him to, so I did.

It’s quite cool out today, only in the 50s. They say it’ll be 70º this Super Bowl Sunday. Great, cuz I know my family will be watching it and Larry and Tammy can really envy me some more.

After I finish the can of Slim-Fast shakes I’ve got, I’m gonna get more. Dairy still makes me bloated and I’m 100, not 104 lately. Besides, I’m not all as determined and motivated as I’d be if I were 110 or higher. The only thing I wish I could do is get myself to keep working out, not to mention my fantasy of quitting smoking and keeping a schedule. Preferably a daytime one.

I’ve finally got 35 pages left in here. I’ve felt like this journal would never end.

Later...

Tom’s home now and later we’re gonna discuss when he’ll be taking his vacation as we’ve got a list of the weeks available for it for the rest of the year. I know it’s gonna be at the end of the year. That’ll be the only time we can afford to go to California if we’re lucky. Even if I knew I could get pregnant, I’m not gonna have my dream of going to California spoiled by a kid. I want a romantic time with him alone, not having to lug a kid around. If we had a kid before, I’d have it stay at Mary’s. She wouldn’t mind. At least knowing I can’t get pregnant, it doesn’t matter when we go as I’ll be free from having to worry about being tied down.

Tom went on the roof to determine the problem. A pipe broke when it froze. See what I mean? It only costs $3 bucks to fix it, but why is everything breaking?

The overhead light in here burned out, so I’ll have to ask Tom to put a new one in after he eats which takes him forever.

Later...

I’m starting to get tired and am gonna wind down with some coffee.

Tom’s got two weeks of vacation due to him and he’s gonna take a week in February and a week in September. Most months are taken anyway. Tom says we don’t need a vacation to go to California and that we can drive there over for a weekend. I keep forgetting just how close to CA we are.

Somewhere between yesterday and today, I’m mid-cycle, so of course Tom won’t touch me. I wouldn’t even try. Over the last few days, he’s been acting like he just wants to be alone. He’s doing the usual now - watching TV. When I asked if he wanted to play cards after he watched TV, I got no answer. I guess that means no.

I’m kind of depressed right now. Once again, I know I’m better off never being a singer or having a kid and it’s becoming easier to accept, but it hurts. It really hurts at times. It hurts how this man has lied to me. Did he always think he could just go along with what I said to make me happy? Didn’t he ever think I’d catch on and question him? Did he think I was that stupid? Did he think his lies would never hurt me?

He swears he’ll help me assemble and launch an art disk for sale, but how can I believe him? How can I believe this when he’s made too many other bogus promises to me before? Any ounce of trust, faith, confidence, belief or positive feelings are completely gone and I feel there’s nothing I or anyone could do to bring it back. Why should I, though? I’d only be setting myself up to fail or be lied to again. I’ll be damned if I let myself or anyone else play me for a fool anymore.

Friday, January 26, 1996

 

 We just played 5 games of cards and now he’s doing his second usual - the computer.

I’m so fed up with Tom like never before and am even wondering if I shouldn’t just go back out on my own again. Maybe I’m better off lonely and in a complete shell than dealing with his bullshit lies and false promises. Just when we both thought things were getting better. I realize more and more that I could never have a child with this man, even if there were no problems with intimacy. Remember how a few years ago I had said constantly that if one’s gonna have a kid, better to have that kid alone? That way the stress of the relationship itself doesn’t get hit with the double whammy of having the kid to deal with too. It’s so true that two’s company, but three’s a crowd. Sharing other humans whether they’re a friend or a kid with someone else is just all the more hazardous to the main relationship. I couldn’t raise a child with Tom any more than I could have an active friend that Andy and I both shared. I saw what Brenda, Bonnie and Steve did to my friendship with Andy and I know what kids can do to couples. I’d rather be glad this man could never get me pregnant and cry over missing out on being a mom for the rest of my life than take such chances and risks as having a kid with him or anyone else.

Last night he admitted to something that I suspected was true. See? I have these things that I suspect about him that he eventually confirms are true, so why should I be wrong about his not wanting a kid? There’s no way I’m wrong about the kid issue.

When he went to bed, I was in bed crying and he said to get it out now, cuz he didn’t want me to have to get it out 2-3 hours later. I said, “No. It’ll only burden and depress you and cause us to fight.” He said it would burden him, but that I could still get it out if I needed to.

That little fuck! So he really is burdened by things that upset me and really would rather not hear it at all. Well, that’s exactly what he’s gonna get since talking about things could never change them anyhow.

Then at one point, I had said that I played the words he wrote in my journal through my head over and over, but that it wasn’t helping me. I said, “We aren’t ever having a kid, are we?” Then I asked if he thought his fears of me being a bad mom were playing on his subconscious.

He said, “I don’t know what the problem is or else I’d have fixed it. I don’t know if that’s it.”

So he confirmed that that’s a possibility after telling me that wasn’t the case. He is right about the fact that yes, I’d be a lousy mother. I’ll give the guy that much.

I told him the thing I don’t understand about him is why does that have to be another one of those things that he has to put off? Why does everything have to be such a waiting game with him? I told him that if he was very sick, he wouldn’t make a doctor’s appointment over a year from then, so why the wait? How does he know that this problem of his will be “fixed” by April of ‘97? Can’t he see his stubbornness is hurting me? Can’t he see he’s forcing me to wait so long when we could just go to the doctor? His answer to that was that he had doubts if I really wanted a kid cuz I wasn’t willing to wait. Yes, good things are worth waiting for, but that’s not the point. I want to go to a doctor cuz I do want it. I don’t want to wait over a year. Besides that comment of his was just a way to stick the blame on me like he’s been doing ever since we began screwing to cover up his own problems and fears and bullshit lies about it. He uses the most stupid excuses for his problems. If it isn’t me he uses as an excuse, it’s some other stupid thing that’s really just a part of life. Millions of other people who don’t know each other’s names get pregnant from one-night stands, but he can’t with his wife and he expects me to believe that he isn’t against having a kid? I thought I was the #1 chicken in this world as far as having a kid goes, but now I see I’m the #2 chicken. He’s always got to “get relaxed” which he’s obviously never been able to do. There’s never an “opportunity” for him to get me pregnant, he claims. Then he always insists that I want to fight with him and that I’m deliberately taking “cheap shots” at him and now he says he wonders frequently if we should be married. That makes two of us and if he comes home from work today and asks me to pack, I’m not gonna fight for him. I’ll just call my folks for help, go live in a shell and dance till I’m too old to dance and I die of starvation. There’s no other kind of a life I could make for myself anyway if I lived on my own.

Then he said that two nights ago (I don’t know why he waited 24 hours to tell me this unless it was just out of spite), I went on for hours about how Kim and Alex were so respectful while they were here.

That’s a crock and I told the little prick that what I said was that Alex may come out to visit Arizona late this year with a girlfriend and that Alex and Kim would respect our privacy and not get in our way. This didn’t take hours, either.

I’m just so fed up with this man and I’ve never been more afraid to talk to him. I’ll write a million times more as I never thought I could or would be so afraid to talk to him after he admitted to being burdened. That’s true love from him, huh? If I could snap my fingers and be pregnant, I’d be afraid more than I ever thought I could or would, knowing that he really does think just what I thought he thinks about that. Nope. I sure as hell won’t talk to him or be a parent with him. Yes, I’ll be intimate with him, but that’s only cuz I know he can’t make me pregnant. If this latest fight has done me any good, it’s made me more grateful that he can’t climax and made me feel less of an inadequate freak and now I look at his not climaxing as safe and much less of a mess.

Again, though, who knows if I’ll be here? I wouldn’t be surprised if he dumps me at this point.

Another thing that confirmed that it was sheer jealousy on his part about Kim and Alex’s visit is how he said back then that they didn’t ask him too about coming here. Andy didn’t ask him too about sleeping over. He asked me and I asked him and he said it was OK like I figured he would. Then I told Andy that it was OK as I figured it would be. He never labeled Andy as disrespectful for not asking him too. He went on to say that I rubbed something in his face that we’re never gonna agree on. Bullshit. Then he says that I have to make my own decisions in life and that I should walk around any obstacles that are in the way of what I want. Yeah, right! I made the decision to have a child, but he won’t allow that. Besides, what am I supposed to do? Say to him that he’s an obstacle to my having a kid cuz he won’t climax and go grab some guy off the street to get pregnant? Give me a break!

The hope and thought of having a kid with him are over as it always has been and this marriage might be, too.

Later...

I’m sitting at the kitchen table as I write and making spag.

I’m wondering, though - does one have a right to seal someone else’s fate? Meaning, does Tom have the right to pre-judge and assume for sure that I’d be a bad mother and deny me my right to be a mother if I could?

I suppose he does. If I felt he’d do something harmful to a child, I wouldn’t want to have any part in making him a father. I know that when he comes home today he’s gonna mention my being a bad mother and how he has doubts about it to “get me” for last night. Especially cuz I said fuck you to him. I’m almost certain he’ll bring up the subject of a divorce, too, but like I said, I won’t be fighting for him. All the fight has gone out of me as far as getting anything I want is concerned.

I’m a bit irked by what Andy told Karson. He told her if she wrote me a letter I’d forgive her. Well, I don’t appreciate him taking it upon himself to decide this for me. It’s not a question of my having to forgive Karson whether or not she’s pregnant. I just don’t want to deal with people like her. Why does Karson want to be my friend so much and why does Andy always have to be so pushy? I don’t like subjects or people being pushed on me that I wish to avoid.

Later...

The birds actually like Shake-N-Bake. Yesterday I made pork chops and decided to see if they liked it and they did.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy. However, I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. I better save my voice and energy for the hell to come when Tom gets home. Come to think of it, whoever called didn’t seem to let it ring long enough to leave a message, but I’m sure it was Andy.

Now I’ll go watch an old rerun of Little House, then Charlie’s Angels which comes on after.

Later...

I’m so bored now. I could use a nice hot relaxing bath, so I guess I’ll go take one. Then I can maybe type some more of this up or play computer games.

This is day two of being constipated. It’s amazing I even awoke at 98 pounds, but I did.

It’s 63º now. They say 66º for Saturday and they’re still saying 70º for Super Bowl Sunday.

Only about two more hours until I have to deal with Tom. I doubt he’ll stop at the library as he mentioned doing one of these days since he’s probably too pissed at me.

I just thought of a scary possibility, although it’s doubtful. This one I doubt the most. Maybe God won’t let him let himself climax so I don’t get pregnant cuz God knows we’ll be divorced and doesn’t want us to deal with a custody battle on top of all else. Nah - Tom knows I’d want him to take the kid and God could just sterilize me. God wouldn’t allow me to be pregnant under any circumstances, rich, poor, single or married.

Also, Tom explained to me how he sort of bought this house illegally and maybe he’s waiting till we move to divorce me so he doesn’t get in trouble. On the other hand, I’m sure he could find a way around it and the house is in his name only which I would think would make him feel more comfortable than having a house with both our names on it.

What does he see in me? What does he want from me? He likes how I don’t care to work and he doesn’t need me to carry a child for him, so just what purpose do I serve him?

Sometimes I wish I did have a car and a job and could keep a schedule. Then there’d be more money and less time for me to sit around and wonder and analyze. Kim really got her money’s worth out of this journal she bought me, huh? It’s jammed packed with bitching, confusion, ideas, theories, fears, doubts, anger, depression and questions. Maybe I should learn more about how houses and marriages work. Maybe then I’ll find some answers.

I’m not saying Tom doesn’t love me. I know he does. I just wish I knew why? He says I’m smart and attractive, but I have a hard time buying the attractive part of it for reasons we already know. I simply feel there’s something else he sees in me that I don’t know of. I highly doubt he’s afraid to be alone. He can keep a schedule and with his car and job, he’d have no problem. In fact, I wonder why he doesn’t see being alone as cheaper with less to do and less bullshit. What does he really see in me? Why does he really love me? I hope I’ll know the answer soon enough.

If only I were friends with a legit psychic. A real psychic. One more psychic than I ever could be.

Later...

Well, I guess he’ll be home within an hour. A part of me wishes I were going to bed now, but we may as well get all the fighting done and over with.

I listened to music and played computer games, but now I’m bored again. Bored and depressed and totally powerless to change anything.

After we fight and maybe get told I’m getting dumped and certainly get told there’ll be no kid cuz I’d be a bad mother, I’ll write all about it. If I don’t write tonight, I’ll write tomorrow. I just wish it wasn’t the weekend! I don’t want to deal with him or be with him.

Tom should’ve gotten off work an hour ago, so where is he? Did he stop at the grocery store? I wonder if he’s left. He once told me that if I left, don’t come back. Well, he better apply this rule to himself if he’s gone off somewhere. Is he running down to the courthouse to get divorce papers? He calls when he’s gonna be late, so who knows if something’s up if he isn’t on his way home now.

Later...

Thank God everything’s alright! He came in at 5:30 and I said, “Do you have any idea just how worried I’ve been?” He did go to the library which was the last place I thought he’d go. Then he asked if I was still mad at him. I said, “No, but I tried lying to myself and saying to myself that I was.” We hugged and kissed and he said he was sorry I forgot about it and got worried. I said I wanted to forget about last night and move forward and he agreed.

Due to forgetting he was going to the library and knowing he calls when he’s gonna be late, I called Tammy in a panic. I told her, “I know you can’t help me, but we had a spat last night and I’m afraid he’s filing for divorce.” Then I told her how he got cigarettes for me this morning, then left for work, then I got up.

She said, “He’s not gonna get your cigarettes, then file for divorce.”

When I told Tom, I wrote 23 pages today he asked if I wrote a lot of bad things about him. I guess he may not appreciate some of the things I wrote, but I also wrote negative things about myself, too. Like what a shitty mother I’d make.

Later...

I’ve really got to push myself to smoke outside only as I’ve said many times before cuz it makes it stink in here and it affects Tom. It’d make me smoke less, too.

Tom’s reading his electronics magazine that he got in the mail. Where’s my puzzle magazine? It seems to me it’s quite late and I’m running low on backup ones.

I don’t wonder why Tom’s not horny and why I’m sure he won’t touch me this weekend, but I wonder why I haven’t been horny. It comes and goes, but it seems this low point has lasted longer. I know I could always take care of myself, but I guess it’s easier this way. Plus, it’s not always convenient for me to take care of myself the moment the mood strikes.

I can’t believe I wrote 25 pages today. That’d shock the shit out of Andy and I’ll bet Andy would never write that much in one day.

I’ve decided to get two more journals like 100, 103 & 104. I want to use one for a regular journal but with different colors of print. The other I want to use for drawing as I feel I’m worthy of it now. I’ve improved so much, even though, I still have a long way to go. I have so many more ideas to draw. The spiral journals would be perfect for it cuz they’re a perfect size and the spiral ones lay flat when opened, unlike this one. Tom couldn’t find any drawing book ideas, but he brought home two oil painting books. One’s by Bob Ross.

The first one of them, which has step-by-step instructions that I want to try is one of palm trees and an ocean. A good 99% of all his paintings are of New England scenery. A lot of fall and winter landscapes.

I guess Tom’s gone now to do some computer work. I still feel as if he’d rather stay away from me unless I called for him to be close to me.

Anyway, the other painting book was of several different things. Scenery, naked women, buildings, still life, etc. All the pictures were either ugly or boring, but they had a color dial in them which is helpful. It shows you what colors to mix to get certain colors. It’s pretty neat how you can buy a Bob Ross book that’s much less in thickness for nearly $20 but get a much thicker book of his for free at the library.

I’m getting really fed up with those two dogs two yards down that bark all the time and that are so cruelly neglected. I can’t even be in the music room without having the music on. Sometimes I want to sit in there with no music on. Just peace and quiet so I can concentrate. I may check the house number that’s painted on the curb and send them a letter saying I work for the humane society. Or how my crazy brother is threatening to shoot them or something like that. I doubt it’d do me much good, though.

Later...

My name is Jodi Lin S and my nickname is Mystery. I’ll get into how I got that nickname some other time. I’m 30 years old, 5’ tall, 100 pounds with green eyes and brown curly hair to the top of my butt (when you pull it straight).

I’ve been living in Phoenix, Arizona since 6/9/1992, but was born in Springfield, Massachusetts.

My husband Tom, is one of the few natives left of Arizona. My husband Tom, who’s 38 and who works in a bank, is 5’ 10”, 192 pounds with blue-gray eyes and wavy brown-gray hair. His hair color suits him well and his eyes are gorgeous. His middle name is Allen, by the way.

Saturday, January 27, 1996

 

Tom and I returned from my in-law’s house about an hour ago. It was quite an honor to see one of my paintings framed and up on their wall. Tomorrow I intend to paint and maybe Tom will too.

I feel really bad for my in-laws as this large, wild, loud Mexican family moved in next door to them. That house had been empty for over a year. It’s a beautiful house that’ll no doubt be trashed soon enough.

Sunday, January 28, 1996

 

I sure am having lousy luck with painting today! I tried to do a painting of an ocean and palm trees, but by the time I got done with the sky, it was a bust since I don’t have the proper colors.

I’m sitting outside on a lounge chair in the backyard where I have plenty of company. Several pigeons that I feed come here daily and they go back and forth between waltzing around the backyard, to the pool for drinks. There’s a wall dividing the pool and Jacuzzi which they stand on in order to be low enough to the water to get drinks.

Tom, who has weekends off is now in the kitchen painting a picture of Gloria Estefan, my second favorite singer. My first favorite is Linda Ronstadt.

Yesterday, at Tom’s parent’s house, Tom fixed a pair of electric scissors for Ma since she really relies on them due to having bad arthritis.

Then Tom and I took turns sawing branches off a tree in their front yard with a really neat saw that’s on a pole for reaching higher branches.

I also had a couple of Ma’s homemade cookies and showed her some drawing techniques. I seem to be much better at drawing than painting since I’ve done this longer. I’ve done some shitty drawings and some that were excellent, but overall, I’m just an average artist. It’s something I accidentally discovered and stumbled upon back in Massachusetts in 1989.

When we get more art sealer (clear spray paint) I’ll do more wall art. I’ve got several drawings on the walls in the house which I use Crayola washable markers to do. When we move into that bigger, more modern house we want, I’ll have more room to hopefully do even better wall art since I’ve improved with time and practice.

Later...

In a little while, Tom and I will be having sex which I both love and hate but will get into another time.

I’m watching a really neat movie now as I write that I’ve seen before about the miraculous landing of a cabin-torn plane.

Now I’ll describe our house. It was built in the 50s and is older than I prefer. It’s a 2-bedroom. One of the bedrooms is a pretty good size. The living room’s too small and there’s barely any counter space in the kitchen, but the back room is pretty large. It runs the whole length of the back of the house and it’s where our computer and electronic stuff is as well as our guinea pig. He’s nearly 2½ years old with a few different shades of brown. I call him Piggy or Piggles.

We sleep in the master bedroom and we both use the other one. He uses the closet in there and has a dresser of clothes. I have my stereo in there, my journals, and a table for writing and drawing.

The bathroom is too old and too small.

We have a long 2-car garage where you can park bumper to bumper. He’s the only one who has a car, though, as I’ve always had a phobia against driving that I never could conquer, even though I do have a license. Also, I never could afford a car.

The exterior of the house is brick that’s painted light blue.

We have a good size backyard with a pool and Jacuzzi. I wish we could afford to heat them during the winter.

Later...

Throughout my writing, I’ll be bouncing back and forth between the current and the past.

I’ll describe a little bit about my character, personality, etc. Well, I don’t work and haven’t for the bulk of my life. Regular jobs just aren’t me and I cannot keep a schedule. I prefer working at home and playing the typical role of the wife while Tom’s the breadwinner. So, I work on my hobbies here at home as well as take care of the house. I do, however, have hopes of selling an art disk sometime this year.

I’ll go through my work history, though, now which is incredibly brief that one might laugh. When I was 16, I briefly worked at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, Connecticut for a few weeks, but was fired due to my being too stupid to do the job right.

Then when I was 18, I worked at a concession stand at a movie theater in a mall in Holyoke, Massachusetts. This job sucked and had no modern cash register. Just a money drawer. So, me and my lousy math ability had to count back change, and back then I could barely even use a calculator as I can now. I was there barely a month when I was told I’d be laid off, but I’m pretty sure this was their kindest way of firing me.

Then, it was off to McDonald’s which sucked and didn’t last long either. The reason why I left there after a month or so is cuz I returned to the Harley Hotel where I remained from 3/1995-5/1996. This was the longest I ever held a job. I was a housekeeper there and for the most part, I loved the job. Why? Well, I was only 20 and 21 years old, so most people that age aren’t quite picky and tend to put their all into anything they can get. Also, I was pretty desperate for attention at this time in my life and really got along with my boss and coworkers well.

This would change, though, as the impact of my past was finally hitting me. They say there are the 3 stages for those who’ve had any kind of trauma in their past. First there’s the suppression, then it hits you and you can’t help dwelling on it no matter what, then there’s getting to the point where you can deal with it and accept it, even though you can never forget it.

I wasn’t hated there, but my boss got sick of me as I was late or absent more and more and had more problems concentrating on my work. For a reason no one knew, Linda S, our boss, up and left and seemed to stab everyone in the back on her way out. She had promised to get together with me and other people there that thought she had become our friend. I guess Linda was phony and her friendliness was all for show to create a better work environment.

In the end, there’d be 4 people there who either made trouble for me or that I made trouble for. Linda and her homicide detective husband, Jenny C, a friend I’d had since I was 9, Michelle L, who I took in to live with me in my apt., and finally, Norah M, the new supervisor from London, England who I had a major crush on.

Linda was the executive and when she left, she took the supervisor that was also her friend named Allison T with her.

They were replaced with Sandra J as the executive and Norah was to be the new supervisor.

Usually, it takes me time to develop any lust for a person. Also, I had never been attracted to guys before meeting Tom. I could tell which guys were better looking than others and found some to be physically attractive, but there was never any comparison to my attraction towards women and Tom.

Norah was one of the very few whom I experienced lust at first sight. Until I met Tom, it was never a mutual thing for me. Anyone I wanted didn’t want me and vice versa. I’m not sure if Norah was gay. One minute she seemed to drop hints suggesting that she was and the next she seemed straight as an arrow. I guess she was straight. She strung me along by promising to get together with me and sometimes I wasn’t sure if she was just deliberately playing games or if she really was interested in at least being my friend. She was very moody, too. One minute she’d be so friendly and the next she’d bitch at me and anyone else who was nearby for no apparent reason. Even the boss had a talking to her about that a few times. Everyone hated her.

I loved her English accent. The English accent has always been my favorite. She was short. Maybe a couple of inches taller than me. She had shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes. She wasn’t fat or skinny. She had to have been in her mid-30s at the time I knew her. I’ve always liked them older.

Soon enough I’ll get into past lovers, but that’s more like past sex partners, as I’ve been with very few people for very short periods of time. Before Tom, as I always would describe it, I spent 99.9% of my life alone. I was 100% sure I’d be alone forever with an occasional one-niter with a woman once or twice a year if I was lucky. Femininity and lesbianism don’t go well together. If you’re into butches; no problem. Butches love fems, but the very few other gay or bi fems out there almost always prefer butches. Supposedly, they want the sensitivity of a woman, but the masculinity at the same time. Well, believe me, I’ve known some pretty rough and brutal butches that are no different than men, only they live in women’s bodies.

I know we all can’t help the way we look for the most part, but there’s something I never could get. If you’re not attracted to men, why would you want to look like one or be with a woman who looks like one?

Monday, January 29, 1996

 

Andy’s to be here at 5:00 in the morning, then we’ll probably both be getting up at 1:30 PM. I’m pretty sure I’ll be asleep when he arrives.

I wonder if he’ll bring me cigarettes or his journal for me to write in. Although I’m sure we’ll be sleeping at the same time, so I won’t get a chance to write in his journal.

Tuesday, January 30, 1996

 

Before I expand on other jobs I’ve had and more, let me tell you about my sex life with Tom. Well, other than the fact that I enjoy it and can get off by him either going down on me or by him being inside me, it sucks. He has never ever had an orgasm since we’ve been together, but this is his own choice. In the beginning, I felt like an inadequate freak who wasn’t good enough to get her man off. I sometimes still feel that way, but I don’t for the most part, as I know it’s he that chose not to cum. They say actions speak louder than words and his actions have shown two reasons as to why he’s chosen not to cum. One is cuz he doesn’t want a child, even though he swears he does. Two is cuz he enjoys teasing me with issues of sex and a kid and playing head games with me about it. He firmly denies this, though, saying he has some other kind of psychological block that’s preventing him from cumming. He’s said he’s been experimenting with all kinds of things to see if this helps him, but I really believe this is all just part of his games. The thing I wonder, though, is when and how is this game going to end. Why and how could such an otherwise honest and loving guy want to be so cruel and dishonest to me about such a major and personal issue?

I know most other women would get the message as far as him not wanting a kid and leave due to feeling like a freak and being teased and lied to, but I love him more than life itself. Yes, he’s hurt me and I’ll never forgive him for his lying to me and not allowing me to have a child, but I did marry him and not a child and he’s got way, way more good to him than bad, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him.

We’ve made an agreement that he promises to stick to. That we’ll go to a doctor in April of ‘97 if we’re not parents by then or if I’m not at least pregnant. However, I’m afraid he’s gonna try to “beat” this. Maybe he’ll cum enough to get out of going to the doctor’s, but not enough to get me pregnant if I can cuz I’m a DES daughter which I’ll get into some other time. Or maybe he’ll go, but not allow it to help him due to his being so against a child. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, even though he throws out suggestions to me that he feels will help him. I believe he does things like this to cover the truth of his not wanting a child. I have my theories as to why he doesn’t want to be a father. Things like money, the time it’d take up, what I’d have to go through carrying and delivering it, fear of my being a bad mother, etc. When we both met, he dropped subtle hints as well as said things bluntly that said he doesn’t want to deal with a kid. Now he swears it’s the exact opposite, but two different nurses I once called and asked about it say they think he’s just saying he wants a kid cuz I do and he doesn’t want to let me down. What does he call what he’s doing then? I guess he just wants to put off telling me the truth as long as he can. His nature is to put off most things until the last minute, so who knows what’s really on his mind? Maybe he wants to make things turn out so that our only choice is to adopt an older kid or maybe he’ll keep trying to fix this bogus problem of his till I’m too old. That way he never has to deal with telling me the truth. I’d hope, though, that if all else fails after we see this doctor in ‘97, he’ll allow his sperm to be injected into me. I know they can do this. My friend Kim from MA thinks he’s telling the truth and that there’ll eventually be no problem. She’s a nurse, too. Maybe he’s waiting, but just doesn’t want to tell me that, but I highly doubt that one. He says he wants a kid and wants one now, but if he ever did let himself cum, believe me, I’d be as shocked as I’d be if I could make the computer jump off the desk with my mind.

I just wish I knew the truth. Is he lying to me as I’m pretty sure he is? Is he waiting to let go right before seeing a doctor? Will he let go enough to get me pregnant? Am I sterile? Is he gonna come out and tell me he never wanted a kid or suddenly doesn’t? What’s really on his mind? Does he really have any plans or tricks up his sleeve?

He now believes that his so-called problem is in his subconscious like I’ve told him all along. He said he doesn’t know if he fears my being a bad mom in his subconscious.

Before I get into my thoughts about the pros and cons of having a kid, let me just say this. I don’t believe Tom and Tom alone is the reason why he is the way he is or why we’re childless. I also put a lot of blame on God. Maybe more. They say God doesn’t make any mistakes, but I don’t know about that one. If that were true, then why are more teens, druggies and people that don’t want kids or who are abusive having kids? They also say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well, I don’t buy that one either, or else no one would ever commit suicide. For me, though, maybe that does apply to me. I should’ve, let alone could’ve, died a few times in my life, so maybe God really does feel that having a kid would kill me and is only trying to protect me. We all know what lack of sleep can do to me. It almost killed me in CT, but I’ll get into that later. I’m also quite sensitive and I myself can’t see how I could survive giving birth to a child. To me, the thought of having a kid is no different than a knife being plunged into your belly and pussy over and over. I can’t see how I’d deal with raising it and getting barely any sleep. I look at other mothers as having to be Wonder Woman and I’m just not that.

Anyway, I really do believe from what I’ve seen and heard that in order for God to let you have a child, you have to fit one of those categories. If I didn’t want a kid or was a druggie or some kind of a big-time asshole, then yes, I’d have a child now.

I have tried praying to God for this and asking him why he does the things he does. Why does he have to be so unfair and why does he insist on me only getting second best or lower for the most part and why do I always have to be in some kind of weird situation in life? I can’t keep a schedule to save my life and God’s always got to have some kind of weird thing going on with me or someone I’m associated with. First I’m too tight, then I can’t get someone I’m attracted to and now this shit with Tom. It’s like he’s cursed me sexually. He just doesn’t want me to have a normal sex life. Now that I can function sexually he’s got to make sure the one I’m with doesn’t.

They say different is good, and yes, I’m proud of some things about me that are different, but for the most part, I’m sick of being different and I’m certainly sick of being weird and of being associated with weird.

Tom goes and talks about wanting to solve his “problem” by not taking the fun out of sex. Well, how can sex with no cumming be fun? That’d drive me frustratingly crazy to live like that. Also, I thought cumming was supposed to be a natural and fun thing to do? Is it really so much work for him that’s no fun?

Anyway, I can’t bring myself to pray to God. Not after the things I’ve seen him do. Anyone that gives kids to murderers that he lets off scot-free, can’t be trusted or prayed to by me.

Yes, I do want a kid and will probably want one for the rest of my life, since I know the bottom line is that Tom and God won’t allow me to have a kid, but I have my fears and doubts about it too. They say that’s normal, though.

What are my fears? How I’d handle the not getting any sleep part of it and get on a schedule. The pregnancy and the delivery and being forever fat. The money and time issues. Also, I don’t know anything about kids and learning all there is to know is very overwhelming to me. Fears of Tom leaving, fears of this violent world and we couldn’t protect the kid forever. Fear of Tom being turned off me cuz of how I’d look. Fear of being a bad mother and of regretting having a kid. Fear of it coming between us and ruining our marriage.

Sometimes I feel Tom doesn’t understand me. He’s not a woman and he’s not the one who wants the kid, so I don’t think he has any concept of how his lying and games have hurt me, even though it’s gotten easier. You get used to things with time and accept that you can’t fight them and change them, but there are some things that I’m amazed he can pick up on. I don’t care nearly as much as I used to if Tom never cums cuz it numbs my desire to have a child somewhat due to knowing he doesn’t want one. Well, he said he could sense the part that doesn’t care as much if he cums or not. He said this is good cuz that may help him. Weird. I would think that my caring all the more about something would help someone that loves me want to see me get it and try harder. His philosophy is to not try hard if you even try at all. I’ve always been taught and have mostly experienced that if you want something bad enough, you have to work for it and do all you can to get it.

I agreed to go to a doctor in April of ‘97 cuz it was the soonest I could get him to agree to go. To me, this seems like a long time to wait for something you say you want (we made the agreement in Sept). He says it just seems like a long time to me cuz I believe we’ll need to go to a doctor whereas he’s 100% sure we’ll have no problem before April of ‘97. He said he feels this way due to the progress we’ve made, therefore we should have no problems progressing all the way. Well, the only progress that I see we’ve made is that I can take him inside of me and do a few more positions, but he still hasn’t cum. So as far as I see it, I’m the only one who’s made progress. He always says he’s getting closer to cumming and that he’ll cum anytime soon, but I know he’s full of shit.

Anyway, it hurts knowing I’ll never be a mom and I’ll never forgive Tom for lying to me and hurting me, but I love him and I know I can’t force him to be a father.

What I mean by being a DES daughter is that this was a drug (now not used for this) that mothers who were at risk of having miscarriages were given. Later it was discovered that it causes problems in both daughters and sons of mothers who were DES-exposed. However, different reports seem to state different things. Some say the biggest issue was the higher chances of cervical and breast cancer. Others say the biggest issue was miscarriages and sterility. Well, sometimes it’s unfortunate that my woman’s intuition or ESP or whatever you want to call it is pretty accurate on things I feel strongly about, cuz this is one of them. I mean, my gut has always told me I’m sterile, regardless of Tom and his shit. God just won’t budge on this subject and allow me to have a kid and I still don’t know if it’s cuz I don’t qualify or if he’s just trying to save my life. If God can do anything, and I believe he can, then why can’t he allow me to have a kid without it killing me or my marriage? This is why I think he won’t allow it cuz I want it and cuz I know I wouldn’t be the worst mom in the world. I’m also not a druggie and I haven’t gone through shit in life that would be even worse than what I’ve already gone through that’s bad enough. Meaning I haven’t been raped or molested or in some accident that caused me to break every single bone in my body or burned in a fire. I’d have to not want a kid all the time or have something so incredibly bad happen to me that’d be beyond anything I’ve ever experienced or have a major flood or fire in here or get into drugs. No thanks, so I’m out of luck.

[the-firebird69]

There's a vicious argument going on if it's Dan or Jeff whose speed racer and they're at it and fighting and it's going to be a race tonight between Jeff and Trump and it's going to be the Bradley GT original equipment and they're both trying to get there looks like an engines and chassis and suspension up to par and tires and rims can be open open class and they're going nuts trying to figure out which tires and rooms to use and our son says lightweight and and enough performance to hold the track you don't have to overdo the width and low profile simple it says oh yeah so he's going to town getting it ready and he knows what you mean if you get a hold of the track there's no point in getting something very very wide we need it pretty wide on that track they're going to be going possibly like $120 around the bend so he's looking at what to use and lightweight cuz it's not that much stress and then he goes oh that's pretty cool but there is stress so you're going he's going to go ahead and do it and it'll probably be a little bit faster but Trump's got experience in this nasty and his dad his son wants him to beat him it's going on now they're going to race down the street and our son and daughter say the beauty is that nobody will hear the race and they won't hear about until after cuz it's not real loud and sure you can have a rematch after you soup it up and soup up the engine but you can't change the suspension only what was original and that was VW beetle and they have new stuff they're putting it on which is fine cuz it's old and s***** and the tires and rooms can be anything you can find that works and they said we want to do the second race the third race is the GT2 no the third race would be a modified motor that would fit they're going to limit it to they said to V6 and they said okay so that actually makes it straightened out for the other races but he said it before he's writing up the rules now and that store in Freya this is going to be awesome so we're looking at the racetrack and they have a race scheduled for tonight so the race has to be earlier or later and the race is for like 9:00 p.m. it goes like midnight is awful already cuz people can't get there and really there's a curfew at 9:00 so most people can't so they're going to go talk to the raceway and our son I mean my husband is saying damn it it's my husband is saying probably like 5:00 p.m. even though it's a real short race and we said like 10 laps or something and they're saying 20 laps is pretty short it's a quarter mile so it's only 5 MI it still takes time if you start the race exactly at 5:00 people have to get there at like 4:00 and filtering in and get everything ready and set up and screened and then after 5:00 it's the race last only like 20 minutes but then have your break it down everybody's out of there at 6:30 7:00 and they have places to go so they're thinking about that and we're going to post right now so they have this to look at

Hera Zues

They know it takes them only a few minutes but a lot of people have to come and go and get it ready and break it down before the next race and at 5:00 it'll just barely be there and the racing officials wanted to be at 4:00 p.m. and they're actually on the phone with Mac and Mac has agreed and so get ready for 4:00 p.m. everybody

Thor Freya and really keep in mind it's just Jeff and Trump and One race and it's an exhibition race and they might start up another GT race tomorrow with everybody in it and it's a testing out of the race it's a good idea and it's much better if it starts here and we'll see what the clones are up to right now they're trying to get over there

Thor Freya

This is great it opens up the whole thing

Olympus

Wow I'm getting all sorts of support and for this exhibition race and they're kind of friendly but they don't like each other time but they're competitive and sometimes to a flaw but really this is going to show them what the clones are up to and they say they see tons of it now they're messing with them trying to get the parts they're messing with each other trying to get them to fight I got to tell you this is an intense idea and what he said was that the club took his award as a Cub scout and he did it was a trophy and he'd have many of them but he was so upset that he didn't race again so we don't want him doing that and these people think he's not racing when he's pounding them to Oblivion for not letting him do anything it doesn't matter if he tried to race again he says he pushed me out again and what can I do they said my car is too heavy so we looked and we saw them fudging with it and he saw the messing with it too so one day we found out Peter audette was selling drugs he always does stuff like that and he's messing with the scale people came back and says this doesn't even weigh half an hour he has no I weigh it right here in the looking it says 1 oz and then a little scale and a few people showed him this is what the hell is wrong with it and the calibration is way off he says someone tampered with it and he started getting really mad he's telling people who it was and they said when he came in here it looks like Dave messed it up and it was when BG got hurt and BG says it was worth it and tons of people start getting mad at him and he started to pull some rank no he said to pull tricks he got messed up but I remember that he's an a****** and he's been saying he's getting their stuff the whole time so we're going after him pretty hard cuz of his mouth

Mac

We're seeing this race coming to reality it is the most powerful thing I've ever seen him do here but no it's not true but really this is intense this is great we're going to have a lot of fun and it's going to straighten out a lot of stuff and people are taking us things and bothering him it's horrible and their faces in the race is going to be different because they'll see that they missed it and so Matt wants to go you just know what we're talking about yet yeah he will get it there's a lot of questions if we're missing the roof can we can we still racist know you have to have a roof and you should be able to replicate it just go to Trump's plastic company and Jeff was smiling when he said it so we get it there's a bunch of girls who want to sign up for tomorrow and the guys are saying no and your car has to be finished finally. Well we didn't want you driving it and now it's going on there's another fight and Hera said that last line.

Little momentous occasion and he says it's kind of hilarious but fun and you can actually ride the e-bike to the racetrack if anybody has any clue you know if I see like a few of these going out there on a trailer or driving out I might try and figure out if there's a race and suddenly they are dropping their jaw and say no way we start to get this. It's such a small thing you're doing but with these guys who are close it's huge they think that you're going to be a huge problem

Olympus

[lokiforever]

New teachers at school!!!!

Chapter 5

Jøss!! Jeg kan fortsatt ikke tro at jeg skriver en ekte fanfic! 😂❤️❤️❤️Anyways, nyt!

You guys had breakfast and talked.....

*After the breakfast *

Tom : So.... what are your plans for today?

Y/N : Nothing much, I'll just watch some movies, I guess.... What about you?

Tom : I have to some grading and after that maybe some dusting...

Y/N : I can help you with the grading! After all I'm your teaching assistant.

Tom : Oh, it's fine. Thank you so much!

Y/N : Come on, this is something I can do to help you though it's nothing compared to your help yesterday.

Tom : It was nothing out of the ordinary, dear. Plus, it's my responsibility as your friend and professor.

Y/N : It's truly a blessing to have you as my professor and friend.

Tom : I'm really honored.

Y/N : Now, I am going to garde the papers with you and you will not say no.

Tom : *chuckles * Ok, ok fine!

Tom lifts both of his hands up in mock surrender. You giggle.

Tom : Do you want to sit here in the living room or in my office for the grading?

Y/N : I'm good both ways. You choose.

Tom : Let's sit in the living room then. We sit in my office almost everyday although not in my home one but, you know an office is an office.

You both laughed.

Tom : I have an idea!! What about, I show you around the house first then we'll start grading.

Y/N : Hmmm.... Sounds amazing!

You say with a chuckle.

Tom : Mmhmm.

Beep Beep

Your phone rang.

Y/N : Please excuse me for a moment.

Tom : Sure, take your time!

"Heyyyy" you said. "Hiii!!! I just got home. I thought you were staying at home today?" said your best friend. "Yeah I was, but there was a slight change in plans.... I'm with Tom for the grading and all." " Oh.. so early?" " Now that's a completely different story I'll tell you about it in detail when I get back." you promised. " Ok and good luckkkk" Y/B/F/N said in a playful way. You could almost feel her wiggling her eyebrows. You both giggled. " Byeeeee have fuuunnn" " Byeeeee I'll be back by the evening" you told her. " That's great!!! I have something to tell you!" your best friend said cheerfully. " Can't wait!!! Byee" "Bye bye".

You went back to the living room.

Y/N : Sorry, it was Y/B/F/N.

Tom : It's completely fine. Now let's start, shall we?

Tom said ( start with the house tour not grading) . When you guys were halfway done you saw a library. No wonder, it was big as he loooooved reading. He also had a hidden home theater which you absolutely loved.

Y/N : Wow! A secret home theater, that's amazing, Tom!

Tom : Thank you so much, Y/N. Maybe you would like to watch a movie with me someday whether in the home theater or the actual one?

Wait a minute...........is he asking you out? Nah, maybe it's because of his sweet nature. He just wants to you to watch a movie with him cuz you're his friend....

Right???

Y/N : I would love to!

Tom : Awesome!! Next weekend?

Y/N : Ummm.... Yeah sure!

Tom : Done! Now you have to choose where..

Y/N : Here in your home theater...... Only If you're okay with it!

Tom : Ya sure, I'm good!

Y/N : Ok! I think we should start with the grading now..

Tom : Mmhmm, we should! Let's go!

After that you guys graded the sheets until you got tired and eventually dozed off on the couch.

Tom : I guess he deserves - * he turned his head to look at you, only to find out that you have already dozed off. He chuckled*

When you were 90% asleep you felt Tom standing up. After a minute you felt a blanket being draped over you. He is so cute!!!

After 25 - 30 minutes

Y/N : Stay away from me!!!!! Don't you dare touch me!!!

You wake up, screaming with panted breaths and a layer of sweat over your body. Tom came running towards you, he went to the kitchen to make lunch for you two..

Tom : Hey, hey calm down! Take a deep breath. It was just a nightmare, it's over.

You just nod as your breaths were too heavy to let you say anything. Tom stands up and gets you water.

Tom : Here have some water.

Y/N : Thank you...

You drink the water. After a minute you calm down.

Tom : Do you want to talk about it?

Y/N : It's my horrible nightmares again..

Tom : Again? Do you get those often?

Y/N : Almost

Tom : Well, if you want to talk about it, I'm here, but it's completely fine if you don't!

Y/N : Maybe some other day

Tom : As you wish!

Y/N : Let's continue this grading.

Tom : I already completed it!

Y/N : Really?! How long did I sleep?

Tom : 25 minutes?

Y/N : You completed the grading in 25 minutes?!!!

Tom : Nah, 20...

Y/N : You have a great speed!

Tom : hehe thanks, it's just experience and plus you already helped me do more than half of them barely five to ten sheets were left.

Y/N : Then too...

Tom : Anyways, I was planning on making lasagna for lunch, I hope you are ok with it..

Y/N : I love it, it's one of my favorites!!

Tom : That's amazing!!

Y/N : I'll help you!

Tom :It's fine, I can-

Y/N : I am coming to help you!

Tom : Ok;alright ;fine

You both giggled.

After that you guys started cooking......

Tom : Here taste it!

He gave you a spoonful. And guess what??? He fed you himself cuz you were cutting some veggies for the salad and both of your hands were engaged....

Y/N : Mmmm it's perfect!!!!

Tom : Eheheh

After a few more minutes a loose strand of your hair was coming on your face again and again and it was irritating you and as your hands were occupied, you couldn't really remove it so you just shook your head. Tom saw you struggling and removed it from your face.

Y/N : Thank you so much!

Tom : Ingen fare!!!

(Tom : No problem)

After all sweet little things you guys finally finished cooking.

Tom : La oss begynne å spise!!

( Tom : Let's start eating)

Y/N : Oh, you know Norwegian language as well?? That's amazing!

Tom : Thank you, dear

Y/N : Can I ask you a question...

Tom : Sure, go ahead!

Y/N : How many languages can you speak?

Tom : Ummm......9,but I'm still learning a few...

Y/N : What?!!! 9 languages!!!!????!!!!? I can speak a few but definitely not nine !!

Tom *chuckles *: Mmhmm!

Y/N : Don't you think that it's quite a lot for a single person?!

Tom : Yes.................Maybe

Y/N : 'Maybe' ?!

Tom starts laughing... Hard! Head tossed back with one hand on his stomach. He was looking soooooooo cute!!!!!!! You also started laughing.

( A/N : For the people who know me irl; they know that once I start laughing it's really hard to stop! 😂😂😂)

Tom : Oh Lord!! Hehehe. Let's start eating, the food is getting cold.

Y/N : Hmm..

You take a bite

Y/N : Mmmm it's sooo delicious!!!!! Tom you're such a good cook!!!!

Tom : Merci beaucoup! Je suis honoré

Y/N : Would you please like to translate it cuz you are the one who knows 9 languages not me!

Tom *chuckles*: Thank you so much! I'm honored!!!

Y/N : You're very welcome!

30 minutes after you and Tom finished eating...

Y/N : I guess I should get going now Y/B/F/N must be waiting for me...

Tom : Already??!

Y/N : I really had an amazing time but I have to go!!

Tom : Ok.....

Y/N : Byeee

Tom : Bye Bye and don't forget the movie!!

Y/N : How can I?!

You chuckle and so does Tom.

Tom : I'll drop you

Y/N : It's fine, I'll order a cab

Tom : Please, I insist!!

Y/N : Fine!

Then he drops you off, you guys say your final goodbyes and then he leaves.

*In your apartment *

Y/N :I'm home!!

Y/B/F/N : Oh, hey Y/N!

Y/N : Hiii!!!

You look around and find out that she was definitely searching for something to wear as all of the clothes in her wardrobe were dismantled.

Y/N : What in the nine realms are you doing?!!

Y/B/F/N : I can't find anything to wear!!

Y/N : Are you going somewhere?

Y/B/F/N : Yup for a movie!

Y/N : Alone?

Y/B/F/N: Nope!

Y/N : Then???

Y/B/F/N : With......

Y/N : Professor Jungkook?!!!!

Y/B/F/N:Exactly!!!!!

Y/N : He asked you out??!!!

*********************

🤞🏻💚💚💚💚💚🤞🏻

[glenncoco4]

You Can Count On Me (Ch.19)

A/N: So when I first came up with the idea of this story I had huge plans. As I continued to write it became harder and harder to come up with chapters I’m proud of on top of all the other story ideas I had. With great sadness, I have to say the next chapter will be the last of this story. Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you’ll read my others. One I’m currently working on is a little spicey which I’m very excited about. Anyway, thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoy these last two chapters of this version of our favorite OTP.

••••

As the pair walk down the sidewalk, ice cream cones in hand Kensi can’t help the bubble of laughter that leaves her lips, thinking back to her fiancé’s encounter with the old white lady at the ice cream shop and is brought back to another incident from high school. “Remember when Old Lady Thomas threw a box of Raisin Bran at you cuz she thought you were trying to steal her groceries? ”

“How could I forget? I still have the imprint of the box on my arm.”

“You gotta admit she had great aim for an 80-year-old with cataracts.”

“A look into your future.”

Biting back a smile, her fingers find his bicep, pinching him for his remark. She’s just about to say something when the shrill of her phone fills the air around them. Reaching in her pocket to retrieve the device, she sends her fiancé a curious glance. “Unknown number.” The brunette accepts the call, bringing the phone to her ear.“Hello?”

“Hey, Kensi.”

“Ja-Jack?”

Hearing the name leave his partner’s lips, the blonde’s brow furrows. Without thought his fingers curl into a tight fist, crushing the ice cream cone in his hand.

“I was hoping you’d answer.”

Closing her eyes, she takes a deep calming breath. Life has been throwing things at them left and right these past couple of weeks so she’s not sure why she’s surprised to hear from her ex-fiancé for the first time in 5 years. “What do you want?”

“To apologize.”

“Why? Why now?“

“Not over the phone. Can you meet me at Burton Chace Park?”

“Jack.”

“I promise, Kensi, that’s all I want.”

Meeting her partner’s eyes, she nervously bites her lip. This is her chance to finally get the answers she’s always been looking for. “Fine. We’ll be there in 20.”

Ending the call without another word, she lets out a sigh. “Looks like we’re going on a little field trip.”

“You sure about this?” He’s not trying to discourage her from getting the answers she needs, but he knows how fresh the wound Jack left still is.

“Not really, no. But knowing my back up’s there will help.”

“I’ll bring the muscle.” He flexes his bicep, alleviating the tension in her body. This man may have hurt the person he loves most in the world and he may want to bash his head in but if it means she gets the closure she deserves he’ll be cordial…maybe.

••••

Walking across the open grass area of the park, she tries to calm her nerves. It didn’t hit her until they were almost here that she was gonna see him again, the man that broke her heart. The man she was gonna marry. Even though the last few months of their relationship were nothing short of chaos and turmoil she still loved him at one point in her life, maybe not like she loves Marty, but she still loved him. 

At the sound of footsteps coming towards him, the former marine looks up and meets the special agent’s eyes, and immediately jumps off the bench, walking towards her with a small smile across his face. “Hey, Kensi. Glad you came.”

She gives him a straight smile, feeling the tension rise throughout her body. Maybe this was a bad idea. Then she feels him press a reassuring hand on the small of her back. Her solstice. 

The former marine was so focused on Kensi that he didn’t notice the blonde walking up next to her until there was a burning sensation running through his body. He meets Marty’s eyes and immediately sees the anger bubbling in his cerulean blues. “He-hey, Marty?”

“Jack.”

“How’ve you been?”

Kensi rolls her eyes and feels the anger begin to bubble up inside her.  “Get to it, Jack. I didn’t come here for small talk.”

Nodding his head, he lets out a calming breath. “There’s a lot I want to apologize for. The way I treated you, especially when you were so good to me.”

Marty meets his best friend’s eyes feeling the need that she’s gotta do this on her own but he’s here if she needs him. “I’ll give you two a minute.”

She gives him a grateful smile before watching him walk off. He’s always there. 

“So you two?”

She gives him a pointed look, definitely not playing this game. 

“Sorry. None of my business.”

When she doesn’t say anything, he nods, knowing he’s only got a few minutes of her time. “I’ve been sober for about 2 years now and in those 2 years, I’ve realized how much I hurt you. You were there for me no matter what and I treated you like shit.”

“You were an assshole.”

He smirks, still the same spitfire she was 5 years ago. “I was a dick.”

She huffs a laugh cuz he’s right, he was the biggest dick.

“I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for trying to help me get better. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I gave up on myself. I was such a fucking mess but you were always there. You did everything you could for me. And please don’t blame yourself. There’s nothing more you could’ve done to help me.”

She didn’t know she needed to hear the words but as soon as they leave his mouth something inside her heals. And seeing the sincerity in his eyes tells her that he truly meant the words he said. She doesn't want to hold onto this anymore. Her best friend is going to be her husband…they’re continuing their life together, but as a couple now. This anger has no place in her life. “Thank you for saying that.”

He takes a quick look at Deeks who’s staring daggers at him. “He hates me.”

She can’t help the grin that spreads to her lips as she meets her fiancé’s eyes only he’s fixated on the man standing next to her. “Not gonna lie to you. He does.”

“I’m happy for you guys. You deserved so much better than me which is what you have now. There’s not a doubt in my mind he’s the man you deserve.”

Eyes still trained on her partner, she nods in agreement. He’s everything. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Turning her attention back to him, it occurs to her she never got the answer to one of his reasons for leaving. “When you said Marty was in love with me and I clearly with him…what did you…I mean how did you know?”

“If I’m being truthful with myself, it was the first time you introduced us.”

“Really?”

���Yeah. You went off to the bathroom and he gave me ‘the talk.’”

“The talk?”

“Yeah, like what big brothers do to guys dating their little sister only it wasn’t.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, he said the normal kind of stuff like, ‘hurt her and they won’t find the body,’ but there was this protectiveness I’ve never known in my life shining in his eyes. That and when you got a strike and started celebrating with each other, I saw the look you two shared and knew that if I wanted our relationship to work and not be jealous I had to lie to myself. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t…until one day I knew I just had to stop.”

“We were pretty oblivious back then.”

“That’s a bit of an understatement.”

She takes another glance towards her partner and feels the panic start to roll in seeing the deer in headlights look on his face. Following his line of sight, she’s immediately filled with rage. Her hand tightening into a fist at her side. 

“What’s wrong?” The former marine doesn’t miss the sudden change in the atmosphere. 

What’s wrong? What’s wrong? There’s so much going wrong yet she can’t find the words to voice it. “Um…it’s um.”

Then he’s there, walking off balance towards the pair and throwing his arm around the former marine’s shoulders. “Hey, Jackie.”

“Gordon, how long  you last this time?” Jack asks the older man, letting out a frustrated sigh.

Ignoring Jack’s question, Gordon’s attention turns to Kensi. “Who’s the pretty lady? You look familiar.”

“Kens, this is Gordon.”

The mischievous smile that the older man sends her way makes her skin crawl. “I know who he is.” She says it through gritted teeth, reaching for the gun in her waistband.

Gordon’s brow furrows. His attention suddenly zeroing in on Marty as he runs toward them, suddenly sobering him up.  

“YOU SON OF A BITCH. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HER.”

“Marty, my boy!”

“FUCK OFF.”

Clearly, this reunion is gonna go exactly how he hoped, eyeing the three he quickly calculates his moves, and just as the shaggy blonde is about to reach them, he pulls out the knife in his pocket, jumping over to Kensi grabbing her, pressing the knife against her throat. 

“Let go of her.” If he wasn’t seeing red before he is now. 

“Not a chance.”

The best friends turned lovers share a look, communicating their plan without words. Marty continues to say things to his father, distracting him and before Gordon can process what’s happening Kensi has him in a wrist lock, knocking the knife out of his grip and throwing him over her shoulder onto the ground. 

Jack’s eyes go wide as he watches the scene play out before him. Kensi twists the man’s arms behind his back, catches the handcuffs her partner tosses her, and with his help tugs the drunk bastard’s arm. “Up on your feet, jackass.”

“Is she this feisty in the sack?”

Without a second thought, the blonde turns to face his nightmare and rams his fist into the man’s stomach, knocking the breath out of him. “You’re lucky I’m a better man than you are otherwise I’d put a bullet in your head right here and now.”

The pair escort him to the Caddy, Marty taking over and shoving him in the back seat before slamming the door shut. 

He’s rattled she knows that. Grabbing his hand, she pulls him to the back of the car, taking a stance in front of him. “Baby, look at me.” 

Doing as he’s told, he feels his hatred and anger wash away. The warmth and understanding shining in her mismatched orbs calming him in a way that only she can. She takes a deep breath and releases it signaling for him to do the same. He joins her on the second one and can feel the rest of the tension release from his body.

“That was a little more anticlimactic than I was expecting.”

“What are you talking about? My shit of a father approached you while talking to your ex whom you haven’t seen or spoken to in 5 years and held a knife to your throat until you flipped his sorry ass on his back.”

“I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty fun.”

He can’t fight the smirk playing on his lips, pulling her into his embrace, her arms immediately wrapping around his waist as he places a kiss to the top of her head, breathing in the scent that is so uniquely her. “You’re always saving me.”

“Just like you always save me.”

“We’re adorable.”

“Aren’t we though.”

Taking this moment for themselves they let the fact that this thing that’s been hanging over them is finally done. And then the footsteps approaching them brings the pair back to something else hanging over them. “Ugh, I forgot about the other asshole.”

 “Be nice. He apologized.”

The partners pull apart just as the former marine reaches them. A little bit of shock and fear written on his face. “I’d offer to help but it looks like you two have it under control.”

Marty huffs a laugh, unamused. 

“Look, Marty. I know I was an asshole.”

“You were a dick.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean much but I am. You were there for her when I wasn’t. You were always there for her and I’m grateful for that because she deserves someone like you.”

Dammit. Why is he starting to like this guy again? “You getting the help you need?”

“Yeah, I’m taking it one day at a time but I’m getting better every day.”

Shocking all three of them, Marty offers his hand to the brunette. “As much as I hated you, if she’s forgiven you then so have I.”

Jack raises a brow skeptically before a smile crosses his features and shakes the blonde’s hand.

“Thank you both.”

Kensi, sends him a small smile before he turns, walking back towards the rec center. “Take care of yourself.”

Marty lets out a deep sigh, releasing some residual tension from his body. “Ugh, that was so hard.”

“That’s what she said.” She can’t help herself, he’s rubbed off on her in so many ways. 

There’s a beat of silence as they soak in the fact that it’s over. It’s finally over. 

Putting her Badass Blye persona back in place, she squeezes his hand, a little spark in her eye. “Come on. Let’s take this piece of shit to the boat shed so we can go home and have sex.”

He’s a bit flabbergasted by her words, shaking his head in laughter. He watches her head to the driver's side of the Caddy. “Girl, I’m gonna marry you someday.”

[n-anon]

I posted 10,322 times in 2022

271 posts created (3%)

10,051 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theoneandonlyyeti

@lirulua

@cosm-ixx

@oasisofgalaxies

@hyenaskill

I tagged 1,953 of my posts in 2022

#suspeesh - 290 posts

#n speaks - 233 posts

#important - 171 posts

#boost - 148 posts

#mood - 121 posts

#jacksepticeye - 116 posts

#antisepticeye - 95 posts

#bill cipher - 95 posts

#iswm spoilers - 71 posts

#anonymous - 68 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#please ignore my comments im so sorry right below you in the main tag on my phone someone posted sm*t and i was trying to comment on that-

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

A JSE Code Guide.

Due to recent events being @turquoisemagpie saying ‘watch out for symbols’ and look closely at next month in a recent reblog of their own post, I thought it imperative and important to give you a guide to which codes Jack has used in the past. (this is no guarantee to actually come back to these but at least I have them out there for you people.)

(I personally use https://www.dcode.fr/en for this, but other people use other decoding websites and that’s fine.)

First code I’m going to mention is ASCII85/Base85 (the one with symbols funnily enough) he’s used this twice, once in FNAF VR (H#Ih8@;^1'Df9E"G@>a) that translated to ‘Youcantlookaway’ 

See the full post

344 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

#4

Anti took over Cloak cuz he’s Extra™ like that. What a bastard (Affectionate and Derogatory)

375 notes - Posted October 10, 2022

#3

“I don’t know what happened. I was in the woods....” 

“and then I wasn’t.”

See the full post

417 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

#2

EYOOOO?

504 notes - Posted May 20, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Anomaly Found: Chase Brody Livestream Notes

-We were hacking into IRIS

-Inspired by Overnightwatch and the zoom commands

-was supposed to last 7 days, was lowered to 3 but then 2 hours went and passed so he sped it up.

-lots of technical difficulties with automod and stuff

-the crashes were unintentional but they were meant to look like they happened in universe

-THE LORRREEEEE

-Jack runs the IRIS twt account

-13 on trending on YouTube heck yeah!!!!!

-$120,000 on working on the game and hiring people for the live action and things

-IRIS is supposed to be a cold sterile environment and is supposed to feel uncomfortable

-Mark was Assistant Director

-Character playing Arin was supposed to be someone else but the person wasn't available so they got Arin

-Mark And Jack friendship wholesome times we love to see it

-HyperRPG did most of the legwork and ran the stream and made the game

-turtle easter egg was by Soph and is named Gerald :D

-This isn't the big huge one

-He has plans for a HUGE thing with lore, and at least 4 more are on the way and will trickle out as time goes on. He has plans for years of content

-Movie, TV show, Comics, everything. ANIMATION?

-No current plans for Choose your own adventure type content. Everythings on the table though.

-Jacks Chase impression is so impressive it's like he plays the character :)

-Takes place immediately after CHASE

-More and More make-up was added to make him look tired.

-Deja vu? No answers to how Chase knows this place. In this world there's a scientific explanation as to why Deja Vu happens but Jack won't tell us.

-ALTR is an acronym and stands for something.

-Arins character is supposed to be cold first to show how closed off IRIS is

-IRIS patch kept falling off

-IRIS can detect he's lying with the WTCHR

-'Very Big Brother is Watching' from Magpie

-the test is based on many actual psychological tests from various sources

See the full post

604 notes - Posted November 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[milliumizoomi]

Tiktok Challenge: Take it

Pairings: Midoriya x POC Fem! Reader, Bakugou x POC Fem! Reader, Kirishima x POC Fem! Reader

All characters aged up!

For those who don’t know the dance, here.

A/n: I literally just saw this on tiktok and went Y E S💀

Midoriya

So lemme give y’all he run down.. my manz was OUT

Like on the street when this happened

He was out with the boys of class 1-A

They was just chilling having a nice time yk

While you were with the girls of class 1-A at home

Basically y’all had a girls and boys day

The boys had gone to a movie and then a restaurant to go eat.

They had already ordered so they was just waiting

Things get hot from here luv👀

They were all on they phones and signing autographs

Cuz ppl recognized them

Then all of a sudden Kaminari literally SCREAMED out

“MIDORIYA! YO YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS!” Kaminari yelled sticking the phone in Midoriya’s face

“Alright! Just calm down Kaminari you’re drawing attention!” Midoriya answered.

“Damn loud mouth” Bakugou chimed in too. “Nerd lemme see what that dumbass was so hyped for anyways.” He said again.

“Alright Kacchan but I haven’t seen it either-“

“Just shut up and watchhhh!” Kaminari urged.

They all just rolled their eyes and soon enough all the boys, including Kaminari, crowed around the phone.

And when I tell you their jaws dropped to the FLOOR

It was on tiktok was of you ofc and you were with the other girls doing the dance

Mind y’all, y’all were wearing the little pajamas the he absolutely loves on you, which were these.

So when y’all was lifting up your legs and y’all thang was thanging, nobody could move

They were stuck, especially Midoriya

His eyes was just following you. Your braids were swings and your skin was glowing.

And luv best not forget that your nails were done.

You and Mina did the dance together and when I tell you it was just ass and thighs EVERYWHERE.

And then the others girls hyping y’all up in tha back.

They was clapping ‘nd making people know wassup

And not to mention the comments, they were thirsty asl.

You had guys and girls in your comments talking bout some “ma I’m tryna treat you right” and “damn girl you gotta man👀”

Dudes literally said power off like not one even fidgeted

Next thing yk you at home with the girls getting all these texts from the Midoriya

He saying “Angel.. My love.. I saw you dancing on Tiktok with the girls.. I’m not sure what you think you doing yk all that’s for me”

GIRL YOU WERE SHOOKKKK

Like is this the same man who be stuttering over his words 24/7??

Talking to you like this??

Chile..in the next couple minutes, the girls were outta the house while Midoriya hauled ass to the room with you over his shoulder.

Bakugou

So boom (no pun intended💀🤚🏽)

My man was working

Just in his office, doing some paperwork at his agency then later he was supposed to go on patrol

He was just minding his business, just doing his job

That was until the bakusquad started FaceTiming him none stop

Like ignored the call ATLEAST 5 times but they would not give up

He eventually just got fed up with the constant calls and answered the phone

“What the hell do you want?! Do you realize I’m working?!” Bakugou yelled at them, rolling his eyes.

“Dude you are NOT gonna be working when we show you this video..!” SERO said having a nervous grin

“Hah? What video?! You called me for a stupid ass video?!” Bakugou called out.

“Trust me Bakugou.. you’re gonna find it far from stupid” Mina chimes in, scratching her head

“Y-“ Bakugou started.

“No shush, I’m gonna send it to the chat now” Kaminari said

“.. Did dunce face just shush me?!” Bakugou said.

“We’ll talk about that later..! Now watchhhh” Kirishima said.

“Whatever” Bakugou said as he rolled eyes and went to the chat.

He clicked on the video and when I tell you he literally CHOKED

His brain? Factory Resarted

Who do you think you are shaking your ass like that all up in the camera

And it made it no better that you were doing this in one his custom made hoodie after the shirt he had in high school.

The bakusquad was laughing at Bakugou cuz manz looked like he was DROOLING

“Ight ima talk to y’all later I got an important phone call to make..” Bakugou said and hung up and called your ass IMMEDIATELY

You was just chilling when you got the call and when I tell you this man told you ALL the things he was finna do to you when he got home

Girl the hairs in your head was shaking

Your braids? They were shivering and that don’t happen much

Miss maam when he got home..

Let’s just say he had your black behind walking like your legs were broken the next day

Kirishima

The poor man was in a interview

ON LIVE TELEVISION

And you gon’ do him like this???

He was in the middle of answering the interviewer’s questions when his phone just started buzzing nonstop

He wanted to look but once again.. ✨live television✨

He had to ignore them until the commercial break but he was glad that nobody could hear it buzzing

After the break came on he hurried to look at his phone quickly

Now to side track I just KNOW this man follow you on tiktok I just know it.

And your notification was on his phone but he ain’t see it and went straight to where Kaminari and Mina were spamming his messages

One of Kaminari’s said

“IDK IF YOU GOT THE NOTIFICATION BUT YOU NEED TO GO ON Y/N’S TIKTOK RN”

Kirishima was L O S T

He read the rest of Kaminari’s messages the went to Mina’s where she was basically saying the same thing

Mina was saying “KIRIII YOUR GIRL GETTING IT ON TIKTOK AND SHE LOOKING FINE TOOO”

Now he was like “hmmm I gotta see this now”

So he closed out of his messages and went on tikitok and when he opened it immediately yours was the first to pop up and it had thousands of likes

He froze at the sight of you.

There you were, in the female version of his hero costume.

Shaking your thicc behind self all up in the screen

Even when you was barely moving everything was jiggling

Manz had to cover his phone and hurry to put it in his pocket when the commercial break was over

He was literally SWEATING while his mini ‘shima was abt to make an appearance in this interview if these ppl ain’t hurry up

He could not focus at all

He was fidgeting all over the place and all he could think of was you in a recreation of his hero costume

He looked EVERYWHERE but at the interviewer so he wouldn’t crack

Best believe when that interview was over than man moved like the he was running for his life

Manz was GONE in the blink of an eye

Them interviewers while so confused when Kirishima was screaming thank you at them while he bolted out the door.

Meanwhile you just finished making some other tiktoks to post later

Mind you, you had already changed out of your costume

When all of a sudden, in a matter of minutes, the door just busted open with Kirishima huffin’ and puffin’ at the door.

Manz was look mad ASF

Girl u almost pitched right tf over

You went to swinging cuz the door was right behind you and you almost hit him until he grabbed your hand mid swing

When you looked up and realized it was him chile ya whole body relaxed

“DAMMIT! Eiji you scared the crap outta me! Don’t do that!” You screamed

“Be quiet brat..” Kirishima growled.

“Eiji what are you- AYE! BOY IF YOU DONT PUT ME DOWN!” You screamed when he threw you over his shoulder.

“I saw your Tiktok babe.. you looked so hot dressed up like me.. but you were shaking what’s mines.. you know better..” He said lowly.

You was trying your best to break free but my man had the grip of steel on you

You knew you wasn’t going nowhere soon

And chileeee...

The next few days after that, walking was a difficult task.

©Property of Miashimaa. Please don’t rectify, repost or modify without my permission.

Taglist: @uniquabackyardigans @haikyu-whore @kiribis-confesion-page (Open, but please specify which taglist you want to be added to)

[kentos-filmcamera]

10 times, 1 occasion - Inumaki Toge

5. Misunderstanding

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Even with your victory at the last event of the exchange and your stellar participation in it, you were angry. Not angry, confused. Toge had not spoken to you all morning. He either said his usual words to Maki and Panda or texted them. With you, however, every time he was about to talk to you, he regretted it and turned away. Have you done something? Said something? You spent yesterday and the day before that so well. He never once looked concerned or had given you the cold shoulder. Frustrated, you took off your personalized dirty jersey, only leaving you in the navy protective tight shirt underneath, and cleaned your pants from the orange dirt of the baseball field while walking away behind Maki, Inumaki, and Panda, and in front of Yuuji, Megumi and Nobara. You were almost given an out, but you slid in to secure the second base.

“Calm down” Fushiguro held your wrist down, stopping your aggressive movements. “You guys go ahead,” He told Nobara and Yuuji, who were both staring at you with light concern. When they didn’t move, he ushered them away with his hand.

“I’m fine” You persisted, trying to remove your hand from his grip. He stared you down with severity, as you stared back sternly, trying to take your hand away.

Coming from a community up in a mountain, both Jujutsu schools were far away. However, sorcerers in your family were unable to train you by their amount of occupation on the field or just because they were in retirement. Or dead. So, you were sent to Tokyo every summer to train. You and Megumi were raised in the jujutsu world side by side, so there was an unspoken, true trust between the two of you. You cared for him, he cared for you equally. You knew he was pretty reserved about his feelings, so it wasn’t like he was your personal therapist, or likewise. He noticed right away you were angry and came quickly to your aid when Toge didn’t. Nobara was pretty… observant, to put it kindly, of other people’s businesses. She realized right away when you walked into the common room how Toge looked away when you sat in front of him. Or when everyone’s phone vibrated on the bench except for yours. Or when you hit the ball perfectly for a homerun and Momo didn’t get a chance to catch it as it hit her in the head on its way down, he didn’t cheer for you to catch second base like the others did. Considering the mental shutdown he saw Toge having, Megumi decided it was best to approach you, as you became more visibly upset with each altercation.

“You’re upset” He deadpanned, and all the tension from your body disappeared as you slumped, your head looking directly at the floor. With a sigh, Megumi released your wrist.

“I don’t know what I did, he just won’t even look at me, I’m so scared... '' You sighed, looking up and throwing your arms out in frustration. Fushiguro’s lips tensed even further into a line, a bit sad to see you so frustrated. “Does he not like me anymore? Is it the scarring? Does it make me uglier? I-I-” You started spiraling, pacing around impatiently. Once again, he held you down, your panicked face meeting his neutral expression.

“I think he’s scared,” Fushiguro said plain and simple. Your face contorted from panic to confusion in a few quick seconds. “But you have to talk to him about it”

“If he wants to…” You sighed and shrugged. You gave him a sad smile “Thank you, ‘Gumi-kun”

“You’re welcome, senpai” He nodded solemnly.

“How about a hug?” You stretched out your arms like a child. His face dropped in disgust and began to walk away. “Oh c’mon! Give me the honor of receiving a hug from you, Fushiguro '' You jogged after him. He only picked up his pace, running towards the dorms. “C’mere, Fushiguro-kun!” You ran after him and he started to run faster.

“No!” He shouted back to you, but you could see the smile trying to creep from behind his eyes. Gojo was sitting on the stoop outside the first year’s dorm. Watching you chase after each other in circles, he laughed loudly, snapping a video and a picture, where you had tears on the brim of your eyes from laughing and a huge smile, with Megumi next to you a few steps ahead, with half a toothless smile that was more than enough for you.

Toge looked outside the window to hear all the clamoring, to find you on the floor squeezing Megumi to death in a half hug, half headlock, laughing like there was no tomorrow. His heart skipped a beat but his face turned sour as he squeezed the chest of his top. He closed the window and laid on his bed, collar down, facing the ceiling quietly. His phone soon vibrated in his pocket.

[ Maki Zen’in: tf is wrong with you? ]

[ Inumaki Toge: wym? ]

[ Maki Zen’in: why are you ignoring them? ]

Toge sat up, tense. The truth is, he didn’t know. He could have all his internal conflicts while still talking to you. But he was scared. You had never defined labels, so maybe you didn’t like him that much for you to consider your boyfriend. He was scared. Very scared. Scared that you had an awkward conversation that would end it all, scared you didn’t like him that much and had to say it to his face.

[ Inumaki Toge: i’m scared ]

[ Maki Zen’in: ? ]

[ Inumaki Toge: kugisaki said i was their partner. ]

[ i just, i don’t know if i am. ]

[ i don’t know if they like me in that way. i’m scared to lose them ]

[ Maki Zen’in: god, you’re an idiot ]

[ just talk to them soon, okay? ]

[ Inumaki Toge: mkay ]

He yawned and stretched, but when he looked outside, you were nowhere to be found. He plopped back into bed, and when he realized it, he had fallen asleep. He panicked and looked around for his phone, realizing it was a bit past 5 PM. He jumped off his bed and crossed to the women’s dorm room block, standing in front of your door. He waited there for a few seconds. Seconds turned into minutes. But he couldn’t bring himself to knock or open the door.

“Toge?” He heard a quiet voice coming from down the hallway. You stood there, wearing sweatpants and a large shirt. You looked distraught at his presence.

“Kelp” He greeted as equally quiet before taking out his phone.

[ Inumaki Toge: can we please talk ? ]

“Sure” You nodded and approached him, opening the door for your room “After you”

The two of you sat silently on the bed for more than a few minutes, not a word in place, basking under the golden beam of light the sun produced at that hour. That was until you decided to speak “Why do you hate me?” You mumbled.

His eyes widened as he shook his head and his hands, saying no incessantly without any words at all. He stammered, trying to contain his words and finding a way to explain as quickly as possible before the water brimming your eyes fell down your cheeks. His eyes landed on a small whiteboard and a neon green marker you had in the corner, and while standing up, he started to write. His handwriting was adorable, with perfectly round letters, balanced curves, and straight lines. ‘ I don’t hate you '

“Then why have you been ignoring me all day?! I don’t know what I did, if I did anything at all, and it hurts!” You exclaimed, standing up to face him. His heart skipped a beat in all the wrong ways. He hurt you?

‘ I’m scared ’ He wrote and you sighed, just like Megumi said. But still, you didn’t understand. Your mouth pushed further into a line, which then started to tremble. “Why?”

Once again, he wished to speak to you and say everything that went a hundred miles per hour, but couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Then, he realized Maki was right; he was an idiot. The biggest idiot in the whole wide world. It was a stupid reason to neglect you like that. To make you so concerned, you were softly crying.

‘ Do you like me? ’ He wrote instead of giving you a clear answer. Your expression turned sour as you laughed “I thought I made it clear enough. I like you. So, so much. It’s okay if you don’t”

“Okaka” He shook his head before he started writing. ‘ I’ve always liked you. I just thought you didn’t. Nobara said I was your partner, and I panicked, cuz I thought you didn’t want to be ’ You stayed still but cracked a broken smile. He erased the message quickly and wrote an ‘ I’m sorry :( ‘

“You’re very silly, Inumaki-kun” You laughed very lightly, a tear escaping your eye. “I was really scared to lose you… again” A few more tears squeezed out of your eyes. Parting from your friends was hard, but having someone like Toge, who always looked out for you, ripped away was hard. Really hard. You cursed the damn mountain you lived on for not having any signal. You didn’t know anything about anyone, might as well think they’re all dead.

He just sighed “Tuna mayo” He comforted you simply, letting the board down on your bed before carefully wiping your tears away with his thumb. After you gazed into each other’s eyes for a second, the message was clear; you were never going to lose him again. Toge pulled you in for a hug. I love you.

[stcveskent]

with you ; steve rogers

warnings: fluff + swearing, mentions of panic attack and some old memories of harrasments (touches)

Pairings: steve rogers x reader

request on wattpad <3

----------

"Good morning!" Your favorite voice spoke and you turned to greet it with a huge smile on your face. It was Steve's voice.

"Good Morning Steve, how are you?" you asked as he wraps you in a warm hug which you wanted it to last forever.

"i'm great by the way, and you look gorgeous by the way!" He says and you blush, and he smiles back at you, you and him are way too stubborn to accept the fact that both of you are in love with each other.

"and you look good too, like always." You said and now it was his time to blush, you chuckled and he laughed hugging you again.

"and if you both don't kiss then i'm gonna die!!!" Tony annoyingly says looking at both of you, which results in you both pulling away and looking at him.

"what're you doing here? Weren't you supposed to be at work, when i asked you for the run?" Steve asked and Tony looks like he's been caught, which he was.

"I'll be back you two, i have some work with Nat, and Steve make sure to give a good lecture to Tony for lying!" You said and he chuckled while Tony rolled his eyes.

"Oh that i will!" He says and you smile at him, as you walk upstairs to the office where Nat called you.

You walked in and looked at Nat, who was annoyed with all the paperwork in front of her, and by that look, you knew she needed coffee, so that's what you did, brought coffee for both of you.

"Good Morning!" You said and she rolled her eyes.

"Bad Morning, Y/n, i hate this!" She said and you handed her the coffee.

"not anymore." You said and she nods

"Right, cuz you got coffee, finally!" She says and you nod. You both get to work for hours, until Steve called you on your phone.

"Sorry, i have to take this, its Steve." You said and she shoots a smirk to you, and you playfully roll your eyes.

"Hey!"

"Hey Y/n, what're you doing?"

"I was just working with Nat, and what about you?"

"Well, i am waiting for you to say Yes, so we both could go and have lunch together, and that would be tacos." He said and you smile

"Alright, we'll have lunch together."

"Come downstairs now! Its your lunch time!" He said and you smiled at how much he took care of you. You when got into work, keep forgetting to eat but he's there for you to always remind you.

"Alright, i'm coming." You said and end the conversation.

"so steve hmm?" Nat says and you roll your eyes.

"We're just friends, Nat." You said and she scoffs

"Oh sure, i'm gonna take that, you blush when you talk to him, Y/n you're so in love!!." Sarcasm evident in that reply.

"Fine i do love him,But he doesn't!" You confessed and looked down.

"we'll talk about that later, y/n, your date is waiting!" She joked

"He's not my date and Alright, see you after lunch." You said and walkwd downstairs.

Just right then, Tony calls Nat.

"What do you want?" Nat answers the call and Tony laughs.

"Y/n and Steve really need to get together, it's important!!"

"Yes okay, and what do you want me to do?"

"I'm throwing a party, push them onto eachother!!"

"I think i can do better than pushing them."

"I know, just do whatever to get them, together!!"

"Okay Tony, see you then."

———

"Hey dan." You picked up the call infront of Steve, and he looked at you with a confused look.

"Hey Y/n, how are you?"

"I'm great, so where have you been, its been so long." You said, a smile over your face as you talked to your old friend.

"everything's fine, i am in New York for a few days, thought of seeing you, but you seem to be busy.."

"Oh no, we can meet, i'll tell you when i'm free."

"Right, fine!" He said as you end the conversation.

"Who was it?" Steve asked , while he eats , and you look up to him, a small smile, he never asks who it was when you got a call from anyone.

"what?" He asked and you shook your head.

"Its Daniel, my old friend, you haven't met him."

"I guess so. What did he want?"

"Wants to see me..oh wait, Tony just sent a text." You said as you looked at your phone and he looks at yours.

"Me too!" He reads the text as you do, Tony's throwing a party, he groans and smirks

"oh gosh, he's doing it again!" He says

"Well, seems like he just wants to spend some time being happy, he deserves it though." You said and he nods.

"Right!" He says and you both continue with lunch. An idea popped up, you knew you couldn't see Daniel, in between few days, so you decided to take him to Tony's party with you, and you texted him the address to which he agreed.

-----

finally the day comes, when you see Daniel, after four years, he looks kinda different, but happy.

"Hey!" You said and he hugs you.

"You look so gorgeous!" He compliments you and you blush, your dress was a beautiful, emerald green, satin dress.

"Thank you, and you look great too!" You said and he nods as both of you walked to Tony's Party, Talking about old times when you guys met him, and he tells you how he feels living in Italy, now.

You walk in with him, no one noticed it until you saw Nat.

"Hey" Nat comes in and hugs you and hug her back.

"You look so good today, damn!"

"Thank you so much! You look so pretty too, babe!" You said and she smiled, her eyes, are on Daniel, and back on you, as a question of who's this?

"Oh! Sorry! This is Daniel, my old friend, and Daniel, this is Natasha, my very good and best friend." You introduce them and they shake hands ofcourse.

"Nice to meet you! Steve was waiting for you..thought you might want to see him." she said

"Yes, ofcourse i'll see him in a while." You said and she nods, going next to Tony and whispered him what she just witnessed, and you were in your conversation with Daniel back again.

"We should drink." He says and you nod, before you two go get Drinks, and Steve noticed you, a feeling of jealousy taking over him, and then he looks at you, that smile, that beauty. You're always beautiful to him, but today you look extra beautiful and happy, with someone else. He clenched his jaw, and his friends sitting next to him, Bucky, Sam and Sharon, giggling over his reaction

"Oh damn! Did i just witness Steve Rogers, who is seeing the love of his life with someone else and is jealous ?" Sharon laughs and he shoot her a glare.

"seriously, I don't know how are you my friends, i could do so much better!" He said and they laughed.

"They're just friends, bud." Bucky reassures.

"Yea sure, look at him, he's being so weird with Y/n." Sam says and Steve looks at him.

"What? Y/n never wears shit like that, but with him..cap, I think you should go get her." Sam says.

"Guys chill!!! but steve go get her." Sharon says and he nods, and then he sees how touchy Daniel has become.

"Guys, give me a minute!" He says and leaves towards you.

"Daniel, i-you should leave." You said as he keeps a hand on your waist.

"What if I don't want to leave." He says coming closer, and you push him away, and Steve came towards you.

"Stop it y/n! You know i love you alot, just come here once.." he said

"Stay away! I don't like you at all! Do not touch me without my permission!" You said and he scoffs

"Do you remember prom...when you let him touch you, but not me—"

"Sto-stop!!!" You said and Steve came and looked at you, your eyes filled with tears.. and then takes his way with him.

"Hey! You better walk off, or i have to do it my way!"

"And what is your way?" He asks as Steve pushes him.

"You try to come near her one more time, you'll

Be going home on a wheelchair!"

"And who are you? Is she your whore?" Just then you ran away, and cried while Steve tried to stop you, but Daniel punched him which he stops and kicks him in the stomach, just there he falls on the ground.

"Bucky! Sam! Sharon, take your way with him, I need to go to Y/n." He says and they follow him, and he runs upstairs to you.

You in your room, cries remembering that one day, where your anxiety started.

"Y/n.." his soft voice calls you.

"Steve." You reply and he comes in, and looks at you, your eyes messed with some mascara. He comes and sits next to you, and you wipe your tears.

"hey, look at me.." he says and you look at him, still crying, and he kisses your forehead, a feeling of comfort radiates from him. Your eyes closed as you feel his warmth, which is trying to calm you down.

"shh, don't cry, you wanna tell me what happened?" He says and you nod, and he comes closer to you, and holds your hand, and you look away.

"The same thing happened on Prom , the school's popular kid showed interest in me and tried to touch me, but I pushed him away, t-they all made my fun for not liking it, I spent years recovering from it, and when i could live a normal life, it happened again." You said and burst into tears and Steve hugs you and you bury your head in his shoulder.

"Shh, Y/n, i know, i can understand, i'm so sorry honey, i'm here, I'll protect you I promise." He says and you keep hugging him, and he presses small kisses on your head.

"god! i'm so sorry, that i always bring you up in my matters, i should stop, and let you have some fun." You say pulling away.

"No y/n, i'll always choose to be next to you, I don't like anything, if there isn't you." He says, cupping your face, and you smile, after a long time that night.

"Just never lose this." He says , slightly running his fingers over your lips, which are curled in a smile.

"How about you go take a shower till i set series you might want to watch?"

"Friends?" You asked and he nods with a huge grin.

"alright! I'll be back in 5 minutes."

"Alright! Go relax." He said and you walked to your bathroom. You took a shower, relaxing yourself, but you were already relaxed because Steve made you feel so good.

After a good 5 minutes, you get changed into a baggy shirt along with some leggings.

"You are very punctual." Steve says and you smile, slowly slowly, you two get comfortable on the same couch , you laying on top of him as he strokes your hair.

The scene where Monica tries to propose Chandler is on screen, while you silently watch, a smile over both of your faces.

"You know, they're my favorite!!" You said

"I know, they're mine too!" He says, as you meet his eyes, a small smile over both of your faces.

You cup his face, and he pressed a kiss on your palm, but something told you to go for it, and then you did. You pressed your lips on his.

He was shocked at first, but immediately kissed you back, slowly and softly, and you both felt the sparks, after pulling away you and him pant slowly , and you both of you giggled softly.

"You didn't know i wanted this for so long!" He said, holding you in his arms , and kissing your head

"Me too, i-i love you." You replied and in that moment you saw him so happy, that he kissed you again, and with so much love, you couldn't describe how it felt.

"I love you too!" He said smiling, and just then, you heard bucky, along with Sam and Sharon.

"Hey Steve! That dick is out! How's Y/n?" He asked and he held you in his arms as you answered the question.

"Y/n's fine, now when she got Steve." You said and he pressed a kiss on your forehead.

squeels of excitement were heard, as soon as you said that, from them.

"Does that mean you two are together?! Oh my fucking good! Tony's gonna die!! Let's go guys, its time to spread the news!!" You heard bucky say that and both of you laughed at how much excited they were for you.

Now that you got Steve, by yourside, everything seems so good, you knew that every step which would be hard to take, he'd hold you hand through that, and you would do the same for him. You both got each other, which was all that mattered at the end.

--------

Hope this was good

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