#which is a weird mental space to be in ngl

[roylustang]

ran a marathon yesterday bc I ❤️ pain and suffering

[murfpersonalblog]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFqc5yJ3/

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFqcGyPq/

I hope this isn’t weird but, I stumbled upon these TikTok’s and they reminded me of some your iwtv metas.

@louis-of-nola omg it's not weird at all; thank you for liking my IWTV metas, and for sending me links to these REALLY good analyses of Black & LGBTQ+ people in white media! ❤️ TBH I'm never on apps like TikTok, Twitter or Instagram, so NGL I was bracing myself for rage bait when I clicked the links, only to be pleasantly surprised by these two videos by Mouseabolition on film theory--I sincerely appreciate it!

The first link especially got to me:

Cuz in Mouseabolition's critique of the White Gaze--particularly the White (Female) Gaze--she mentioned one of my favorite horror movies, Get Out.

"A lot of black people I know are able to very deeply care about and empathize with pieces of media that are attempting to speak to our experiences, even when it's done poorly. And we're not necessarily trying to say: 'That's a good thing and that was done well.' But it's the same reason why Chris from Get Out--THE template for black horror--why Chris from Get Out felt like such a new, refreshing horror protagonist. A huge part of what makes Get Out work, and what differentiates Chris from the average horror movie protagonist--outside of just like the surface level analysis of he's a black man--is that Jordan Peele (who is also a black man) was able to write a black character with the realistic higher level of consciousness and alertness towards danger, that all black people have to move with. And that higher level of consciousness is a huge part of why most black people I know can't take white people's horror movies seriously anyway. It's because white people walk around throwing themselves into situations that are destined to create horrific scenarios; and when you are somebody who has to walk around going: 'I can't do that, I'm gonna die!' it's really hard to feel shocked and horrified and surprised when somebody does something that you know damn well is gonna end up with them dead! Black people--particularly like black women and queer folks--don't really have the privilege of walking around with the illusion that we are more or better represented than we are. And so you learn to look at things more critically, and that gets stereotyped as nagging or a bad thing! But it's not, because thinking about things critically, genuinely all the way through, is frequently what leads the black people I know to finding those kernels of good in stories, where most people are just like: 'No, I just think that's silly, it's just dumb.'" (4:10 - 6:02)

I've made four IWTV metas comparing the horrific experiences of Chris in Get Out and Louis in IWTV, cuz I noticed that the core themes of Black men in white spaces wrt vulnerability, exploitation, gaslighting & manipulation resonated between both horror shows in a way that directly reflects IRL experiences.

This is particularly the case when Black people are involved in toxic interracial relationships that end in horrific tragedy for the Black partner. The horror comes into even sharper focus when it's the Black victim who ends up blamed/lied on by their white abuser/murderer that tried to play the innocent victim, weaponizing White Tears to justify/get away with literal crimes--which I've also provided links to before, cuz this BS really happens to us (x).

It's especially effed up when you're dealing with victims of abuse who suffer from mental illness, and are blamed/attacked by the authorities/masses. IRL we see Bipoc mentally ill folk who call the white cops for help and are the ones who get killed (x x); yet the IWTV fandom is overrun with racists who REFUSE to put 2 + 2 together to save their biased AF souls. I felt so vindicated in 2x5 - 2x8 when AMC explicitly showed that Louis & Claudia were telling the truth about the Drop Scene in 1x5, and that Armand had lied the whole time, effing with Louis AND Daniel's memories; after so many racist AF white Lestans & Armstans said the Lou & Claudia were spiteful liars who just wanted poor uwu blorbo Lestat & Armand to look bad cuz they're not Black, like WHAT!? We saw a literal Black LYNCHING happen on screen, where Black!Louis was buried alive & Black!Claudia was burned alive by a bottle-blonde white man in front of a predominately white audience in a "play"/snuff film co-written & directed by 3 non-Black people (Armand, Sam & Lestat); meanwhile the fans INSIST that this show's NOT about race. 🤡 BUFFOONERY!

By race-swapping Louis & Claudia & heightening the abuse they suffered in the books to make their treatment WORSE, AMC was literally talking to the predominately white gaze of the audience that SALIVATES over fetishizing Black people on one hand but still perpetrates injustices against Black people on the other hand; and the racist IWTV fandom proves them right every effing day!

And I also LOVE what MouseAbolition's Tik Tok said about the careful & highly conscious ways that Black people (esp. Black queer people) have to move in society, BECAUSE they're more vulnerable to persecution & penalties & punishment than white people.

Black gay men are marginalized by white AND black people alike; there are Black fans who are also against seeing Louis as a female-coded character. Because this is a white world, the white gaze affects ALL of us, and the panopticon of censure & censorship forces us to police each other and mistreat our own sometimes even worse than white people will--look at emotionally abusive/negligent mothers like Florence who has a particular image to uphold amongst the conservative Catholic Black elite during Jim Crow (vs. white Gabrielle who CAN support her white son's eccentricities); and homophobic women like Grace (who herself is married to a man who's NOT "the man of the house," Levi coddled by Florence & financially supported by Grace's inheritance & Louis' money). But at the end of the day the problem still lies with white (wo)men who weaponize Othering by means of race/gender/sexuality/etc in order to isolate marginalized peoples from systems of support, so that they might be more easily exploited & abused--which I've constantly argued wrt to Loustat.

It grates on my effing nerves when white fans (esp. Lestans) hypocritically talk about gender, culturally appropriating Black queer terminology like "Mother"--which originated in Black gay drag, pageantry & ballroom culture, a la Drag Mothers as exemplified in Paris is Burning, and shows like Ru Paul's Drag Race & Pose--in order to prop up Lestat's femininity and dismiss Louis', all because Louis (as a Black man they've hypermasculinized) doesn't conform to their cis white paradigmatic bias of what femininity & motherhood looks like--which is informed by the white patriarchy to control the social hierarchies of both women AND men, straight & gay alike!

I've adamantly critiqued white female fans' surface-level discrimination against Louis as a female-coded character just because Louis doesn't crossdress--as if Lestat's Mardi Gras dress is the only indexical determiner of gender; esp. for closeted & conservative Black gay men who historically CANNOT safely & freely move in public spaces the way out white liberal LGBTQ+ men can.

Cis white women lusting after Lestat & screaming Yaaas Mother~!, or circling the wagons around Armand cuz they want AMC to move on to Devil's Minion (which not even AR GAF about, lol), just loooove to jump on Louis for being a pimp, for not being feminine enough, for fighting back in 1x5. Black men are hypsersexualized to the point that straight AND gay Black men are perceived as universal dangers to white/non-Black purity, and were lynched by the mob in DROVES whenever if it was even suggested that they stepped out of line; "Louis can sometimes act out."

So yeah, people act like I'm crazy cuz I call this ish out, when the facts are staring them right in the effing face. But I've already been explicitly told by white Lestans that they're deliberately ignoring the red flags cuz it's not fun to turn their brains on & look at their precious blorbos critically and that they'll casually dismiss negative portrayals of Lestat on the show as "poor writing"--

--then the same stans spin their effing tops when they actually pick up a effing book and read for themselves that we're telling the truth when we say AR's darling Lestat's a LEGIT abusive rapist p.o.s.--

--and that Hannah Moscovich was legit for pointing out that it's not character assassination when Lestat's abusive oppressive toxic behavior is effing CANONICAL.

[blackstarchanx3new]

FSR rambles ANOTHER ONE (It's the 22nd one)

Dark's mind reading is just, so damn fun.

Like Green is gambling SO MUCH putting his trust into Dark but it pays off because Dark can TELL Green is truly putting faith in him to give him the benefit of the doubt.

And that means A LOT to him.

The fact Green doesn't want to hurt him MEANS A LOT TO HIM.

Dark knows this man ain't stupid.

I like him giving Green a goodbye hug and a kiss on the cheek hah.

It's so sweet in a way.

And his parting words being words of affirmation for Green.

He can be a very sweet person when given kindness.

I just like them a lot.

Green was a pretty good influence on Dark. XDD

Dark Link's dramatic ass flying away is so funny to me and probably just me.

Like Dark doesn't typically fly or flex his wings much but they DO exist. XDDD

He can kinda just hover like Shadow but I don't think that's been shown even ONCE XDDDD

Dark isn't really the type to flex his magic in general though.

The Headspace IS HIS BODY which uhhh is a horror.

Time to mention: It changing from a desolate blue to that bright pink woodsy area afterward is kinda a reflection of Dark and the person he's talking to's mental space.

It'll change again later when he talks to Blue too.

Now that Dark Ran off we get an insight back into Green. Even though he technically WON this interaction? If you could word it that way, he got kinda what he wanted...He's still kinda overloaded with bullshit, poor guy.

Whatcha looking at Green-

...UH HI LINK????

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???

And in Dark's outfit did ya swap? 👀

Link's just mumbling to himself about wtf just happened...which uhhh, Link. You just take the hobby of stalking yourself???

he doesn't seem to be aware of Green at all until Green makes himself known.

Not before his face bugs out. XD

Ngl. this is one of my favorite interactions its SO stupid.

The dialogue is up there in scenes that make me laugh just to read.

Like, Link my guy, did you ACTUALLY think for a SECOND that shit would work???

Link's eyes bugging out completely as he runs in terror from Green has to be up there in stupid shit. It's so ridiculous and amazing just tickles my brain lmfao. It's so dumb. XDDD

Link cycles through all 4's personalities for a second X'DD

1st panel: Vio

2nd Panel: Green

4th and 5th: Blue

6th being Red obviously

Green is so fed up with him after being kicked in the damn stomach. XDDD

Sooooo, we didn't learn a LOT from Link's appearance outside of the fact he's still lingering around within the headspace. Which is ODD because Dark hasn't brought him up or seemingly hasn't run into him...Despite Link STALKING him it seems.

Weeiiiird.

Link's adoption of the black tunic is odd to say the least. His mental state is still fractured and torn considering it's appearance.

And it dawns on me I don't think Green goes on to NEVER disclosed to anyone Link's still running around. X'DDDD (Re-reading FSR together like this is fun isn't it?)

A LOT of shit happens to where he didn't really have time to squeeze it in but it is funny this scene is still pretty up in the air on it's importance for now.

Also since this is rambles I don't have to keep secrets on who the weirdo next to Link is in the last panel.

That's FSRA Link. Which just leaves all sorts of weird implications I'll let you sit with, considering that man is from 100+ years in the future...

;)

True to his word, Shadow is able to tell Dark was active. Oh no.

LOL also not Zelda calling Green by the wrong name. X'D Poor girl isn't used to being around the four dudes her bestie splits into. (She literally had NO idea they were split until AFTER the final battle lmfao and then they walked back to the sanctuary and boom.)

So yeah Shadow tries to wrestle Dark back because dude's a dangerous little ball of evil. XD

He SAW what he did to Vio first hand and didn't wanna have that happen to Green.

I'll never not find it funny Dark can summon his sword in that form, but literally can't even use it. X'DDDD

He also yanked Green's arm away from the sword so he didn't get hit because Dark's very attached to Green at this point.

Shadow's got beef with the little guy and Zelda making a force field, and Shadow proceeding to SMACK into it always gets a laugh it's so dumb.

Art wise it's kinda funny just how LONG Dark's tentacles are in this scene considering I shortened them later. XD

Also...Considering recent updates Dark responding violently when in danger is...Well something. XDDD

Poor Green and his savior complex-

"I can help him-" - Green about the horrific monster that tormented everyone.

Shadow even points this out but Shadow's also projecting HARD onto Dark X'DDD

"I'm an evil horrible liar so this bitch must be too" - Shadow.

Shadow personally just wants everything to be perfect and peachy and that can't happen with Dark so he wants the easy way out so to speak.

Shadow sweetie, it's not your curse. XD

(Funny we're bringing that up...Shadow Link hasn't been in the headspace at ALL...Interesting huh?)

OOOMF.

That shit must have HURT to hear out of Green considering him and Shadow were doing MOSTLY well before that.

Green's been bottling his negative feelings towards Shadow for a LONG time now and JUST seeing what Shadow did while with Vio it was inevitable dude would snap.

Green immediately regrets what he said though.

Dark cuddling Green is always cute.

Shadow got called out and now feels like shit.

Not Zelda sitting here like "Genuinely wtf are yall talking about rn???"

He can't even argue with Green considering it was pretty true. X"D Even if it was a low blow.

Zelda blowing a hole through the castle has lead to...ISSUES.

Shadow's acting a bit ominously.

Mmm fast travel.

And bitter unresolved feelings. Our favorite.

Hiiiii it's been months since I touched this lmao.

Back into the game:

Green has a lot of hesitance too, he just chooses to stuff that down in turn for a more peaceful option.

he's aware dark has caused hurt and is INSANE but wants to give him a chance.

I think in a lot of ways he regrets that Shadow never had help because they just met "Too late" in a lot of ways.

Shadow had already committed many horrible deeds before anyone had a glimpse of being able to help him.

While Dark is still very new and able to be saved from a life of regret or villainy, cause Green recognized that spark of good in him that could blossom into a good person if they give it a try.

meanwhile, Shadow's being self loathing.

...To be fair a lot of what Dark Link says DOESN'T make sense due to it being...from an outsider's perspective utter nonsense (He knows Zelda lore lmfao.) but his claims Shadow just IS ganon are clearly getting to shadow cause he's got self doubt.

Meanwhile Green tries to remind him of his progress, and thinks Shadow and Dark could have something to bond over.

Aaaand there is it boy doesn't wanna be reminded of how much he's fucked up. It's hard when there's a mirror pointed at you.

Green's still feeling bad about what he said.

And since people missed it, and I was being cheeky:

Green and Shadow did share a lil smooch.

Dark isn't happy about it. XD

To be fair, I'd be pretty pissed off if my only goal was to get a lil smooch smooch and people were handing em to lord ganon evil lord of the buttholes too.

Bask in his beauty Shadow, he sure is pretty. UwU

Shadow letting Green down not so gently that he's an idiot will always be funny.

he was backed into a corner guys, be nice to him.

Shadow's of course more concerned about Vio rn.

I'd be worried about his reaction too...As we see later it's not a happy welcome to Dark Link XDDD

Dark Link isn't having being shoved back into Shadow's hat.

Shadow in a moment of...idk what you'd call it, clarity I suppose decides to let him stay with Green.

it's up to the reader to assume WHY he did that.

Realizing he makes Dark Link feel unsafe, just not wanting to argue. Overall there's hesitation on his end.

So he ends up in Green's hat. XD

Green asking a reasonable question about how he's gonna go get Blue...considering his physical form is WITH Green and Shadow.

And Dark responds verbally. So far I think he's only growled in that form. XD

So uhhh, Shadow's pissed off Dark refused to speak last night. XDDD

So if you're curious: My vision for Dark in this form is that speaking is VERY difficult for him to do so he just...doesn't.

This is his dormant form, so his "Functionality" is mostly...nonexistant.

This is a form that doesn't take a lot of effort to maintain or upkeep so his actual abilities aren't very wide.

Like he CAN talk. But simple phrases and words are easiest for him to do. Which is why he repeats "Yeah yeah" twice.

Shadow also fails to realize even THIS form was a step up from the fact Dark was a simple sphere with an eye before. XD

He grew a mouth to chew on Green...So he might have had the intention to speak last night and just...didn't.

But if he wanted to speak, he could just form back to his "Link" form or drag someone to the headspace.

Overall: Shadow ya dummy he probably just didn't have anything to say XD

Green coming to Dark's defense screaming "STOP IT SHADOW YOU'RE SCARING HIM!" is so funny because I without fail imagine the "HE'S AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS!!!" "STOP IT PATRICK YOU'RE SCARING HIM!!!" spongebob bit.

Shadow letting the whole "Dad" debacle slip and Green's fucking face to that just sends me.

He looks so...judgmental. X'D

"This is how you'd treat your son?"

Dark Link giving Green the title of his "Dad" Whatever he thinks that means...because Shadow is a bad one is just, funny as hell to me.

Dark so obviously doesn't understand blood family ties (...His entire life revolves around 4 dudes who are one guy, and that guy's shadow all being in a weird as fuck relationship so uh...who blames him for not understanding family)

Affectively, Green is just someone Dark considers his family so...he's his "dad". XD

The title switch from Shadow TO Green is due to the fact he just feels more comfortable and safe WITH Green.

...Shadow uses THIS as an example of Dark being "Unreasonable" which is something else alright. XDDD

Green taking the piss out of the whole "dad" thing is pretty damn silly...Green you ARE the daddy now. X'D

I don't think Green would have tried this shit if Dark was in his Link form. XDDD

I know in the draft comic folders I got a comic where Green treats Dark differently based on his form and how Dark doesn't understand that. (him being uncomfortable with the finger chewing in his Link disguise vs his dormant form for example) and how he thinks Green's a hypocrite.

Last panel: Shadow DEFINENTLY not trying to keep everyone thinking Dark's just insane and not saying anything important.

I'll cut it off here since getting into the Darkblue segment (As I like to call it) is gonna be interesting I think XDD

[prince-liest]

I know you’ve gotten asks already talking about how happy they are that you’re going more in depth on the subject of Vox being trans in your next installment, but I can’t help myself… I’m so excited that you’re writing about that. It can be difficult to find trans rep in fandom spaces sometimes and your stories are so well written that this is like a gift from god. SO ANYWAY I’m super happy and your works are amazing and I just hope you know how many people value your works for all that they give.

Secondly, I was wondering whether or not Vox would have been trans on earth or just in hell? I mean I’m sure it would be difficult considering the time period but I also couldn’t think of a reason why he would be cis on earth but trans in hell. UNLESS he realized he was trans in hell/was finally able to do something about it?? Anyway, all of this is just speculation, I am only curious!!

Regardless, great work. It genuinely means a lot to me, if no one else :)

Oh, man, I'm ngl, one of my little, "Wait! I can do anything I want!!!!" moments of going mad with power once I got more and more experience at writing was realizing that I could just trans anyone's gender at-will and I didn't need anyone's permission for that. I still remember the first time I quietly decided an OC of mine was trans (love you, Laledy, you obnoxious asshole). I'm always a little apprehensive to start writing trans characters in new fandoms, mostly because I've been in a number of fandoms that have corners that get very tetchy about their weird gender role stuff, but it's consistently been met with such a positive reaction that it really brings me joy. So thank you so very, very much!!

My personal take on Vox in 666 specifically (a lot of which isn't going to come up because he does not want to get into it) is that he wasn't personally really in a position or environment conducive to considering trans-ness as, like, a thing that happens when he was alive, and he put his all into putting on The Correct Gender Performance with the vim and aplomb that we see from him in canon, plus all the underlying bullshit that goes into maintaining that facade. So, y'know. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, minus the Jewish. Which did not do amazing things for his mental health, not that he let himself pay attention to that at the time!

And then he wakes up, in hell, with this weird-ass demon body with a television for a head, and - well, it just makes sense to present as a man at that point, doesn't it? Hell is dog-eat-dog, and he's not going to pick the submissive gender to put himself on the back foot from the start!

He figures out what the fuck being trans even is eventually, just. Not for a while, and not until after someone like Valentino, having known and assumed that Vox is trans as a given for fucking months, mentions it offhandedly to Vox, who had been mentally describing himself as "just lying about his sex like those girls in stories that get shit done by dressing up as men". Then he gets to have his own little spiral about it, and also why it's upsetting him, and why he felt so vulnerable about Valentino knowing, and why Valentino specifically, Mr. Fishnets, Heels, and Microminis, is the one that ended up in a position not only to know this about Vox but for Vox to feel comfortable having any kind of sex with. It wasn't something Vox had to analyze back when it was just "her" freaky boyfriend being into pegging!

Okay, fuck, I have even more feelings about trans Vox than I thought I did, hahahaha.

Might fuck around and write a staticmoth-centric prequel interlude at some point if I have the brain cells for it. Vox is a lot more confident and comfortable with his gender now, to the point where he can absolutely see fucking around in a dress for kinky reasons as crossdressing and not being forced back into a box that doesn't fit, but it'd be neat to explore the earlier days. Val isn't here for gender, he's here to be sexy, but Vox... this IS the origin of the daddy kink, just saying.

[kankuroplease]

Hi, hope you’re having a good morning/afternoon/night

I wanted to ask your opinion/thoughts on any Hanabi x Canon ships you like? She kinda has an odd age gap with the main cast. 5 years isn’t that bad but it kinda depends on what ages they meet at (preferably when she is 20+). The obvious answer might be konohamaru or someone on his team but none of those really do anything for me.

Sorry this is kinda long. Also praying this didn’t come off as weird😅

Ngl Hanabi x canon ships would be limited if a little age gap and shared adolescence is weird for you because, like you said, the vast majority of canon characters are older than her and team Ebisu + she’s the next Hyuga clan head to be, no? Kinda hard to find someone that’s outside of konoha with a title like that.

So, I’m going to toss the ages out the window and go off of vibes (because I can’t say I actually have a Hanabi canon ship I hardcore ship):

Safe bets:

Hanabi x Konohamaru - it’s a good safe and cute ship

Hanabi x Moegi - it could be a really cute ship romantic or platonic!

Hanabi x Shino - there’s absolutely no way Shino would’ve had a real attraction to her before they were somewhat colleagues/spent time together. Plus I’m always here for Shino having a partner that’s a little more bold and confident

Hanabi x Lee - another one that wouldn’t develop an attraction until they spent time together. Both can throw hands, their energies kinda just align, and Lee would definitely try to win Hiashi’s approval

Hanabi x Gaara - as the younger sister of a quiet person, she’s equipped with the ability to strike up conversation in creative ways. Biggest problem is is that he’s a Kage and she’s set to lead the Hyuga

Hanabi x Kankuro - which brings me here. The only problem with this ship is the people that would have to tolerate them as a couple. Definitely would have prank wars.

Hanabi x Karui - two beautiful women that don’t hesitate in a fight? Yeah that’s a hot couple. ALSO, she offers a more mature balance to Hanabi’s playfulness

Hanabi x Yukimaru - give him the three tails and give Hiashi a headache that both his daughters are with jinchuriki

questionable/hear me out/kpz wtf!?:

If you don’t like big age gaps, don’t want possible angst, or villains DO NOT read more

Hanabi x Naruto - as a NaruHina shipper, it pains me to say they vibe, but they do so well. So I’m going to avoid it for my mental health and to avoid sibling conflict 💀

Hanabi x Shisui - Given he would be anbu, there’s a totally reasonable possibility they wouldn’t have actually met despite being in the same village. Also, his cheekiness compliments hers.

Hanabi x Hidan - wait, comeback! I’m going to hold your hand when I say this; they would be a bizarre power couple if Hanabi went rouge as an adult and stitched this man back together. This ofc wouldn’t really be romantic as much as a relationship of convenience

Hanabi x toneri - I’ve lost you at this point, but here me out. What IF he hadn’t done what he did in the last and they just met. Teaching your blind space bf how to people could have been sweet and also hilarious if he just flew away when Hiashi caught him visiting. Also the child they could have you be a force of nature

[crispy0nion]

Spill the tea

with pleasure. btw this is gonna contain slight mentions of me being a depressed fuck a few years ago. also it's kinda long

ok so, about four years ago during my first year of hs, i met this guy in my class, he was a little shit but we instantly clicked. immediately became best friends, dude basically lived in my house lmao. we went on vacation together that summer, and we had a blast. literally one of the best summers of my life i had sm fun.

second year of hs starts, and suddenly he's not talking to me or any of our friends anymore. literally just ignores us and hangs out with some other guys from our class instead. weird asf, but he was being a real dick so me and my friends quickly dropped the thing and opted for mutual disinterest.

i have no idea how or why, but near the end of the year one of our friends managed to talk with him, and he completely switches up. now he's talking to everyone like nothing happened.

except for me.

he's not talking to me. actually he is actively ignoring my existence. "what an asshole" you'll say. "so did your friends say anything, maybe drop him for acting like that?" lmao. please.

this guy used to be a loser btw. scrawny little guy who would only talk about anime. then after this year of ignoring us, he had suddenly turned into this cool, unbothered guy who will destroy your self confidence in 0.5 seconds if he doesnt like your vibe, but he does so in a " i'm effortlessly funny" way. basically, he's infuriating if you're not his friend. which apparently i wasn't anymore??

so anyways, the point is he's got everyone bouncing on his dick. classmates swarm him like flies to a lamp. he's the coolest guy around, he's so funny. that includes my friends btw. so i spend the third year of highschool feeling like no one actually wanted me around, cause they had him. but i was clinically depressed and i knew that i couldn't handle any more drama, so i said nothing and tried acting like nothing happened, ngl it was pretty pathetic looking back 💀

the thing kinda peaks when we decide to go on a trip together during the summer. that was so shitty bro i wanted to walk in traffic i genuinely felt like they would be having i better time without me there.

but anyways, i survive that somehow. that was early in the summer, i use the rest of it to work of my mental health and by the time my fourth year starts i was doing much better. my friends also stopped being assholes lmao, i suspect they heard me when during the vacation i cried to my mom on the phone for two hours and they felt bad but uhm. regardless. dude was still pretending i didnt exist.

good for him ig. i decide i've been pathetic enough and just start ignoring him the same way he ignored me. the mutual ignoring goes great, i'm doing much better. near the end of the year me and my friends (The Guy wasn't there) get drunk as shit and i decide to bring up this issue. i get some feedback from my friends: one of them tried asking him what happened between us and he answered "go fuck yourself". cool. another person thinks he has a crush on me and is shit at managing it. fair guess but it's an asshole move. someone else says maybe i accidentally hurt him. also a good guess, but i didn't do anything, and if i did, i didn't do it on purpose and he should've said something. overall, we're all confused.

school year ends, we organize another trip. i'm stressed as fuck. then on the first evening, he asks if someone can put his powerbank in their bag cause he doesnt have one, and i offer mine since i was the only one with extra space.

and i guess i broke his brain, because now he's talking to me like the previous two years never happened. which is. wild.

but i decide to be nice and cool about it and go along with it. we're civil to eachother. dare i say he acts weirdly friendly sometimes, which was actually genuinely shocking for me. he literally split his food with me of his own volition. TWO TIMES. wtf???? i also dont get marginalized this time!! i had the best time of my life actually!! my bed almost caught fire but that's a completely different story.

so uhm. i spend the remaining month and a half of summer wondering if he's still gonna be like this when school starts? cause if i know one thing, it's that he might change his mind for no reason.

the answer is no btw. it's like the trip never happened. today was our fifth day and the only time we talked this entire week was when i asked him something about class and he answered LOOKING AT THE PERSON NEXT TO ME. AS IF THAT GUY HAD ASKED THE QUESTION AND NOT ME??

he and the rest of my friends (except for one who wasn't available) are hanging out rn btw. they went to the cinema. "why are you saying they and not us" cuz i didn't get a fucking invite lmao. we're back at the start babeyyyy im going to walk into the sea.

anyways that's the drama. i left out a LOT of details to avoid making a kilometric post but uhm. opinions? do y'all think he got dropped on his head as a child? cause i know i was but i'm not this much of a crazy asshole.

[silviakundera]

alright my dudes & dudettes, it's Spirealm time!!

(jazz hands ensue)

fair warning: in these episode reactions I'm not gonna pretend I haven't read the novel. in fact, I purposely finished the novel before viewing, to get The Full Experience. thus novel spoilers, including twist end, included.

I'm spacing out posting these, so you aren't flooded.

The Spirealm Ep 1

* ngl I was legit hyped to see the hallway of doors! I am one of Those People who does not visually imagine stories in their mind, so I don't have much of a preconceived idea of what people or places in a book look like. So adaptions are a special delight for me

* ok, so he's playing a "VR game" and logs off.... OR DOES HE????? In the book, the whole narrative we think he's experiencing for the first time all happens within the 12th door - he has his memory suppressed and only thinks he just entered his first door. I am intrigued at the idea that the drama could be playing a lil bit of a slight of hand here... in which he has been a regular player of 'the official version' already and is already under the thrall. Apparently symptoms include hallucinations and death! Good times. No wonder he wants a black market copy for his very own.

* idk it's just a thought

* Mostly what I found suspicious is that he's already showing super hearing ability and he's having to shake off a mental disturbance

* Chestnut!!! Ok in the 12th door in the novel, at first Chestnut wasn't uber lovey dovey with him anymore. 1st indication of weirdness. In the drama... maybe? we see the cat backing away a bit and resisting, and he has to pull Chestnut over... LQ makes a comment, "I'll give you food, don't move" 🤔🤔🤔🤔

* Suddenly the game shows up in his mail? from Unknown Address... on... isn't it the same day? so that makes no logical sense. (intentional subtext or just cdrama time lol? ) and then for a moment it melds into the game world when he's walking outside... this is all supporting my theories!

* k it's BOYFRIEND TIME. Let's find yo man.

* He either now logs onto the official game (or THINKS that he is logging onto the official version for the 1st time, but he's been inside this whole episode)

* He walks through the door, thinks there's a glitch, and now he believes he's logged off. This time he definitely didn't. DEFINITELY.

* This door looks fantastic.

* He's hit by a car while marveling at the door. Except I don't think so, either time A or B he never logged off. Bro is SEEING FANTASTICAL DOORS IN THE STREET. That's not occurring in our reality.

* I'm really appreciating how disorientating the first episode is, by the way. When does reality end? There are like 7 options to start from.

* FINALLY BOYFRIEND \o/

* "I'm saving you and you still scold me." We may have lost Ruan Baijie 😭😭😭 but this is a nice meet-cute.

* The explanation from Mysterious Future Boyfriend: To put it simply, you're in the game. Here, if you don't finish the game, you can't leave. If you end the game here, you leave... then it really is the end." [universal sliced neck gesture]

(and ok, still banging on that drum, but this vibes with my pet theory - that he never left in the first place...)

* LQ crossed into the game -- and what that means is said to be complicated.

When LQ says as a programmer he can follow an explanation, Ruan Nanzhu just mocks that he hears but doesn't understand.

* Already we are getting a certain vibe, with LQ being backed up into a tree by looming hot stranger. Bro visibly looks down twice (at hottie's lips? at how close their bodies are becoming? the looming increases intensity)

Very strong 20 minute opener imo.

((Post-script: if we want to consider an alternative to the alternate theory of WTF is Reality in this Drama? What if is there a normal game he test plays in the first 12 minutes & separately also The Doors actually exist the same as they do in novel, and he enters on the verge of death and the drama is never actually about a game at all, & he never leaves the 12th door. He just never escapes, baby. 💥😵💥))

(that one is pretty out there tbh. just added for spice. and that very pretty door looking out of place & wholly different than the game decor.)

Next Episode

[piromantic]

gender rambling

this isn't about how i feel on the inside or trying to sort out any of that stuff. the older i get the less i care about applying the gender dichotomy to my own feelings or trying to describe myself within this framework that doesn't really mean anything, like i'm myself and i'm good with that

however. we live in a society.

ngl for this being the 'burnt out gifted kid transgender' website i've never actually seen any discussions about gender within competitive academic settings. i've seen some mentions of how toxic masculinity presents differently in nerd spaces, but still permeates it just as much as any other space. but it took like, so fucking long to even recognize it in my own life, let alone unravel how it affected me.

i sometimes play video games with a group of guys from my major and for the last year and a half i was The Team Carry because i had a few hundred extra hours of practice on them. they're all nearly caught up to my level now, and even though they're all the pretty typical 'woo feminism' cis men and have never said anything towards me that was weird or discriminatory, i've started to feel afraid that i'm going to be mentally demoted in their minds as soon as i lose the status of 'carry'. which is irrational, but as i started dissecting where this fear came from it started unraveling like years of my life

it sounds absolutely ridiculous when typed out, but when i'm in my own head i keep going in circles of 'am i, personally, going to lead to the downfall of feminism by not being a woman'.

because i am studying in a field where there aren't many women in general, let alone visibly queer people. things have gotten better for sure but i have literally been in a class where i was the only person who wasn't a cis man in the whole room. so i'm viewed as someone setting an example and paving the way just by existing, which feels like i'm just pulling off a giant deception on people who see me as a sign of community, which feels awful.

but also, i think i became aware of this on a subconscious level YEARS before i realized it outright. like i think about this reaction i have to video games and it takes me all the way back to fourth grade, when i realized that girls were never going to accept me, but if i was mean and smart and loud about it, boys might. so i got really into the Act Of Appearing Smart, which manifested as just being... ridiculously competitive. oh i know more digits of pi than you. oh i can recite more of the periodic table faster than you. oh i can do integrals in my head faster than you. etc etc ad infinitum

when i think back, so much of my life was spent trying to like, win scraps of gender euphoria through 'proving' myself in the academic system. and like. ???? playing the misogyny game is still misogyny. i look back and wonder whether i had a missed opportunity to make these spaces better if i had just pushed back on them a bit more, and whether i was just perpetuating them by being like 'hey guys, no need to stop the toxic masculinity! i'm a girl, and i can succeed in here, so girls who don't succeed just aren't trying hard enough!'

or, put slightly differently: was i just perpetuating the idea that the only way to succeed in these systems was to be masculine.

over time i found that the way boys (and men, now) signify that i've succeeded is to allow me to be in their spaces. guys will tell me about the girls they find hot, forgetting that it's not socially acceptable for me to agree. guys will drop the use of female pronouns when i'm in the group, slotting me under 'boys' or 'king' like the rest of their friends instead of making exceptions. and it's like. if i was a woman i wouldn't let this happen, and i know they would respect that.

BUT I'M NOT A WOMAN. and these things are affirming, but i feel terrible for finding affirmation in them, because they weren't meant that way.

(and i can hear my mother's voice in my head like 'you're not trans, you just want male privilege', and no, i really don't think that's it. i had a friend that used to say misogynistic shit to be edgy when we were in like, elementary-middle school, and i always shut that down immediately. but it never felt like i was defending myself as part of that group. i've just always felt a bit of distance there)

i guess the issue i've been trying to articulate is that things are fine on the surface, but the context for them isn't. if people were treating me the exact same way because i came out to them, i wouldn't feel bad. but i'm a coward and i hate coming out because it usually goes badly for me, and i'd also feel bad about coming out in my area of study specifically because i'm already in the minority right now. (and i don't think it would go over very well, despite diversity trainings and whatever getting more popular.) like i don't want to be the SINGLE they/them in my entire department. that's too much stress for me.

and i have this fear that it would just come across as becoming a stereotype, or being misogynistic. like ohhhh you think you're a man because women can't do math or something. <- insane thing to worry about

idk i need to stop stalling and finish my conference presentation already. if you read this far idk why you would but thanks for making it through all that

[egg-emperor]

Your analysis has been really interesting to read through, but ngl the whole mess around text interpretation has led me to ruminate on the fandom's doings a little. This probably will turn into disjointed ramblings, so please bear with me.

What I think is causing this cognitive dissonance is exactly that cutesy framing of some of Eggman and Sage's moments. Like, I don't believe that Sage was intentionally made to soften Eggman up or something, I believe that he can play the "family" act to keep her loyal to him. However, I won't deny that during my watch of a friend playing it, this specific framing left a slightly weird aftertaste, which I now see is what can easily cause so many misinterpretations of the scenes. Like, for example, the memo with Sage's pronouns. After seeing a lot of talk around the memos in general, what seems to throw people off from thinking that Eggman could be just using this as yet another play into her view of him as her father to keep her loyal is "why does he suddenly care about endearing himself to his own creation when he freely disregarded his previous creations". It can be interpreted in character, but there's just a smidge of off-ness that can be hard to wash out for some.

Not gonna lie, I kinda envy the ability of people like to at least mostly ignore the majority of the fandom's shenanigans and drama, cause I think that also plays a part imo, specifically this weird need to somehow ingratiate Sonic as a series to the mainstream, generally non-fan crowd. Like, the onus obviously should be on the people who misinterpret the text and see what's not there, yet these people also tend to be the loudest. And most non-fans seeing it just assume that's what the fandom as a whole thinks, and that's what the text actually is about. After all, nowadays Sonic is all but advertised as "its a kids game for babies so don't think about the story too much, it doesnt make sense in the end anyway", even by fans trying to genuinely recommend the series sometimes. And you'd think that there'd be pushback against this sort of mentality, but somehow, a majority of the Sonic fandom remains almost... defeatist? Like, either they can't argue to save their lives or just passively accept the misinformation. The people actually doing the analysis and all get disregarded as no-life nerds and are told that "no amount of analysis can make a product worth the money".

It's just... I dunno how or why or when it all started going like this, but at some point, the way people talked about media in general just caused immensely screwed. Discussions only seem to happen when someone wants to further validate their pre-established biases about a thing and it all just feels wrong.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to read and consider my analysis.

We seem to feel quite similarly. I'm not a fan of the cutesy framing of certain moments because it's not my thing and definitely makes it easier for fans to misinterpret. The casual fan, especially if they don't catch all context in the memos and apply them to the scenes to notice the undertones and understand Eggman's side of the dynamic, or if they're the kind who that stuff can appeal to and affect emotionally/they'd rather ignore the more unsettling aspects in discomfort, they're going to get it wrong.

I think the cutscenes mostly have the issue of focusing too much on Sage's side of the dynamic over Eggman's. A bunch of most important details of Eggman's side comes from the memos, which is great from the standpoint of being right from his personal perspective and words, so we get to know exactly how he thinks and feels- but not so great for those who won't listen or piece together what they learned from them with the scenes for needed context.

But Sage wasn't supposed to soften Eggman up. In the story he's still a bad guy wanting to do bad, wishing he could get out of Cyber Space to, and Sage appeals because of what she can do for him, how she's crucial to his survival, supports his desire for world domination and shows undying loyalty. The way some moments are framed as cute doesn't take away from it, a unhealthy dynamic can appear as cute and wholesome with unsettling undertones.

Ian Flynn pretty much describes it that way by saying you're supposed to feel happy for Sage but Eggman is a bad person and warming up to it for all the wrong reasons. It's intentionally more complex than what the loudest people who love and hate it are saying. I can see what Flynn means because all the pieces are there in the actual game for me to point out and analyze. They just could've been emphasized a bit more.

All you need is the memo where he talks about liking how Sage is loyal and efficient and accepting the father role because it can emphasize his genius and the pride he can take as her creator, then apply it to every interaction and you can see it. Eggman can play the act to appeal to Sage's desire for that dynamic and praise her actions as a way to further encourage her for her loyalty and efficiency, all for those selfish benefits.

It's how manipulation works and Eggman absolutely can and will play up the part with these conditions for the benefits, he's done similarly in the past. It's intentionally not done in the common verbal and physical abns!ve way like he does most commonly with his other creations, it's more emotionally manipulative. It makes the most sense for how he wants to further encourage her good work and loyalty, not lose it.

I can get why you felt that way. It's part of why I had the wrong idea of Frontiers Eggman's at first and it ruined my first experience playing it. The cute framing of certain moments, combined with fans taking these scenes and latching onto the misinterpretations from the moment it dropped and drilling into your head how they think we should think and feel while ignoring key details that disprove it, made me believe it for too long.

But had I not seen the misinterpretation and paid attention and did my usual analysis, which I closed my mind to in my first playthrough in ignorance, I would've caught on a lot faster. Just like how knowing what I know now after properly analyzing it then going into Final Horizon and avoiding what fandom was saying, made my experience more pleasant and let me think and interpret for myself. The fandom is still mostly to blame.

Yeah, the cute moments can give the wrong idea when you don't have all the context. But the context is in the game to piece together and understand why it's happening in a way that works for Eggman's character. I also think while he is of course playing the act, it's also framed cute as it is because we're seeing it more from Sage's side in the scenes, as it's a very different vibe in the memos where it's actually Eggman's side.

Maybe always being able to see the worst in Eggman (positively and affectionately lol 🥰💜) helps but I only see the memos as unsettling now. His creation starts to appear as more of a person to him so he thinks about how he can use it to his benefit by taking pride in his impressive scientific ability to create something so life-like as an artificial creation over the unimpressive traditional organic way he scoffs at and expresses aversion to.

He says if he created life it'd be "loyal and perfectly effective", which is fucked up thing to look for in your child, and says it's specifically because he's the genius creator/father, giving himself all credit and taking pride in her accomplishments as a reflection of his genius. It's selfish, egotistical, creepy, everything a parent shouldn't do. I can see what makes it unsettling in all his words. So many things are wrong with him I love it 😋💘

I really don't have much of an issue with that memo. It's one of the most misinterpreted but it's simply where he starts to realize that almost the whole time he's been calling her a "she" instead of an "it" like the program she was created to be. He actually starts just five after first mentioning her, in memo 13. He subconsciously sees her as a person and refers to her like such that fast due to how human and life-like she is.

Three memos after he's like wait why am I calling it a she? And wonders whether to call her an it like the program she was created to be or a she like he's seeing her as instead. Then another three after comes the disturbing memo about him creating life, so him establishing whether he's going to call her "she" or not leads to him thinking about how he can take pride and credit in her by establishing himself as her genius creator/father.

It's another of those cases where if context is removed it's more likely for people to get the wrong idea, especially if they're the type to be blinded by the cuteness factor but when you have the context of before and after and considering the important terms of why he values her at all with the she's an impressive life-like loyal and efficient creation and her dad is a genius memo, again it makes sense and is in character.

The "she's the best" line is one of the only parts I'd change, he's far too egotistical to say that about anyone else. It doesn't make sense because the whole reason he values her is what she does for him and the pride he can take in her, literally because he sees himself as the best person ever lol. Just specifying what she's the best of, like of his creations or something would've worked, not making it sound like he's saying in general.

But guess what? Apparently it was changed in Japanese in the translation I saw, to say she was just doing great or something lol. It's a case where I can make sense of it in English as her being the best in a specific area can again give himself credit as the creator as he's intentionally supposed to but the word choice was poor. But every time I felt a line should've been changed a bit, the Japanese version had me covered. XD

Back to the point- it's also important to consider that he's praising her in this memo with the important preface of saying that Sage has been crucial to his survival in Cyber Space and listing the ways she has served him well. It's on the condition of him getting something out of it every time. And in memo 19 we know he wants to take pride in her skill and accomplishments and take credit as her creator, so any praise is self praise.

So I can't be mad at the game, I think even in moments that had some level of cuteness factor to appeal to those into that which certainly worked on them, there was established context that made it work and in character, enough to piece it together and understand it. But some people's minds go blank with the "aww so cute" reaction and desire for it to be simply pure and wholesome so they don't think about it any more to do so.

I've been learning to avoid it just by stepping back from fandom because I'm less interested the more I see the drama and bad takes. Now I only see things if I'm forcibly subjected through someone else putting it on my dash/it's recommended/etc. A large majority of fandom is anti canon and literally admit it so I feel like I don't belong in it as a huge fan of it that enjoys celebrating it in my fan creations and discussions.

It suffers from the simplification and sanitization that modern fandom tends to do now, so they can fit all characters and stories into certain boxes and use them as bases to project fan character traits and concepts onto instead of celebrating canon. It makes it more appealing and mainstream and easier to consume by the crowd that stuff succeeds in appealing to. It's to the point it replaces people's memory/idea of it.

So of course from the outside looking in especially, non fans are going to believe that's what the text actually contains, especially since they get exposure to the fandom's twisting of canon and it's drilled into their heads how to think and feel about it by them, before they've even seen the games themselves. Then they find it hard to shut that out and look at the games alone for what they are. That happened to me with Frontiers.

Then of course you have people acting like the series "is just for babies and inconsistent and not good anyway you shouldn't think too hard about it", as if Sega JP especially haven't shown themselves to be incredibly passionate about the stories and characters they write. It is supposed to be that deep lol. And thinking that deeply is a good thing, as if it's better than just shutting our minds off and consume product.

That's why I've allowed myself to think as deeply as I want about Frontiers. I love analyzing every moment and line down to the last word and detail. Regardless of opinion on the concepts and how they were executed, it was intended to be thought about. I don't think it should be considered micro analyzing and thinking too hard about something ever. I'm looking at it in ways official writers have described it to be anyway.

The mentality is popular so there isn't much pushback. Plus I'm starting to see it in both people who say they don't like the games and those who say they're fans so I feel alienated for wanting to think deeper and seeing there can be more than meets the eye with characters and scenes. While clarification can be important so things aren't misinterpreted quite as easily, it's nice for there to be stuff to think about.

Nobody really wants to debate and discuss now. A majority intentionally oppose learning more about the media or hearing out other people. They take the challenging of one's perspective or a disagreement as an argument and act like it's intended as hate from the other person when that's not the case. They're like "I don't want to change my opinion, nobody can convince me, let me enjoy things how I want", etc.

I myself was a bit ignorant at first on the topic of Frontiers. I was convinced I didn't like Eggman's portrayal but it was all based on what fandom was telling me it was and how to feel when the actual game was actually way different. When I finally took suggestions of new perspectives, then shut fandom out and focused solely on canon with my mind open and willing to analyze it again, I saw it in a new light and enjoyed it.

Now some certainly think I'm a low life nerd, as I've been told "it's nice to be a fan until it "becomes serious" and by people saying they don't care what I have to say as if I have to do exactly what they want- because it's bad to be passionate and wanting to think deeply about something I guess. :P I'd rather be doing that than shutting it down. Canon is cool, analysis is good, being passionate and thinking about stuff is fun.

You really hit the nail on the head with that. I've always enjoyed being open minded, analyzing media carefully, hearing out different perspectives, and having discussions. But I made the mistake myself at one point with Frontiers and I regret it because as soon as I realized I almost became what I was against and changed it for the better, it became a lot more enjoyable again. It's always good to stay open minded!

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[tiredmako]

⭒ incoming!!! new fanfic tumblr acc!! this is me grabbing ur attention so read this pls!! ⭒

so im ngl im NOT a good writer and im writing on here mainly for practice... also to show appreciation to my favorite fandoms. i used to write on wattpad which was an... era, to say the least. anyways... ig ill introduce myself and then do my lil ol' fandom list and rules ykyk? also im writing this on mobile so if the formatting looks bad on pc then like. oopsie poopsie in my defense

ab me!

soooo hii im mako :)) i go by she/her pronouns and i rlly love things like gaming, comics, shopping, music, baking/cooking, and CATS! obviously mako isn't my real name even tho that'd be cool asl... but i think mako sharks are super cute so it works!! ok next i think i should do like. a fandoms i write for list and then rules? sounds right? right? also i just gotta get it out there that i LOVE the spacing on here!

fandoms!

im ngl im a huge nerd and love a LOTTTT of fandoms! obvi i won't write for every single one ever... butttt these are the ones i will write for! these will be updated and ill make a separate post announcing what fandoms i add/take off <3 also theres wayy to many characters in my fandoms to say who i will and wont write so just send in ur request and yk if i turn u down cuz i dont wanna write for that character oopsie sorry hon

dc comics

dead by daylight

invincible

marvel comics

overwatch

rules!

honestly these rules r gonna SUCK for some of yall and im sorry but im very specific ab what i will and wont write oopsie poopsie okay

no crack fics! im not funny and half the time i dont find crack fics funny. also have u ever seen a crack fic that aged well??

no smut!! digital footprint guys!!! ill write like, dirty jokes or wtvr cuz im stupid and immature but im not writing straight up p in v oiled up booty sex okay

no matchmaking, song figs, hcs, etc. i just dont find them fun to do...

no very overly specific requests!! im sorry babe but im not gonna write 'spiderman reacting to reader being a demon princess half fish goth' like ily but no!

no gender, race, sexuality specific requests. i want my writing to be inclusive for everyoneee!!! unless im writing sm for myself, imma use they/them prns and stuff like that etc etc yk??

no requests w no specifications! im sorry but im not going to know what to do when u say 'anything w ghostface pls :)' like it doesnt even have to be super detailed just like a little 'hi could u pls write ghostface teasing his shy bestfriend' I WOULD ACCEPT THAT AND WRITE THAT PLS YALL WORK W ME HERE

if ur gonna be rude and annoying then imma just ignore u... like i have things to do and i cant spend all my time on tumblr writing things for free sorry i heart yall tho

on the topic of that be patient!! i have things to do and places to be

if ur homophobic, transphobic, a terf, or anything weird or gross just leave in advance i dont want u here bye bye

i dont feel comfortable writing ab stuff like suicide, self harm, etc. mental health is scary and i would NOT portray it right mb oopsie

when i get a few works up, ill start a masterlist!! also this is prob just going to be a writing acc cuz i have a diff/main acc so dont expect any like. reposts, follow backs, or likes from this acc cuz im probly nottt gonna be scrolling on here just writing. heart u guys pls send requests im sooo bored

[ritahayworrth]

Why didn’t you like TAR? Ngl I found it overrated too

spoiler warning for tar (2022), and tbh this is very ranty and gets very rambly

okay, so firstly, i will say that everyone in the film did give good performances, i get the cate blanchett hype, i'll give it that and the cinematography was nice

but like everything else? it just felt so shallow and full of itself. like okay wow white lesbians can fully assimilate into white male dominant spaces and be just as bad as them!! like okay, most poc already know this, this is a conversation that has been dabbled into for a while. and like fine, this is a film by a white person for white people, but even taking that into account, it still just feels like a film that's just talking without really saying anything. and i have things that i didn't really like or make sense to me like why is a supposed to be an up-and-coming conductor working as a personal assistant? why is the fact that whether or not she took advantage of her former pupil so ambiguous? and i'm sure there are others that i can't think of at the moment.

and like i can forgive everything i've said so far, but really it's the last ten minutes that just... but okay wow the fact that this is a film by a white person for white people really made itself known 💀 and like sure, i am a filipino who lives in the philippines, of course, i can like spot things others won't and be super nitpicky, but the portrayal and the implications the film makes of my country just makes me want to put todd field into a guillotine! like she has a big fall from grace in the western classical musical scene, at the bottom of the barrel is conducting a video game score in the philippines. like, firstly, is the whole it being meant to be the philippines but really filmed in thailand + that whole apocalypse now line meant to be some weird meta thing?? because it doesn't work either way. anyway, does todd field know that we have twitter in the philippines? does he not think in a nation that is one of the most consistently recorded as being very much Online, no one in the classical music sphere here would have heard of lydia tar? that no one would have made a post calling her and the event organizers out? i mean obviously not, based on how he portrays filipinos as being the ones stupid or not-in-the-know enough to give lydia a job. and like seeing it as almost an honor for them to have her, a white lady there, giving her flowers and a gift basket (idk how to word this it's just very colonial mentality). okay, there's two places the event she was hired to do would be happening at, manila and cebu, and since they went to pagsanjan (where apocalypse now was filmed) that can only mean that she's meant to be in manila. and so that just gets to me even more, because i live in manila, i have been to the nerd conventions, i have aunts with connections to the theater, one of them is literally a production manager in events!! and i say this because we see lydia in what is definitely a budget hotel room, then we see her at some random alleyway getting into a sketchy building while it's pouring rain, and then she's in a meeting in a very poorly lit room, and the scene where she's working in a karinderya. and like, the event she's been hired to do, which i later found out is kind of a big thing in japan (and that just adds to what i'm gonna say), would have been organized by people with money. and keeping the whole "it's an honor to have her" thing in mind, in real life, she would have been put up in a much nicer hotel room (i'm by no means rich, and i've stayed at much nicer rooms), they would have most likely arranged for someone to drive her to the meeting and the driver would most likely have an umbrella and would have held it as she walked to the door of an average office building most likely in a nice part of metro manila, then she would have gone to work in a starbucks. but no ofc this doesn't happen in the philippines it's a third world country, they don't know shit, and are definitely not known for their hospitality..... then there is ofc the massage parlor scene 💀 just really fucking disgusting all around. while it was a long time ago, i did write a paper on sex tourism in my country like i know this is a real thing that happens, but at this point, it has been way too many strikes for me. from the set-up, like ofc the man at reception thought she meant *that* (again, she would have been put up at a nicer hotel that probably would have had an in-house spa, also why did he have her prescription?? also we don't have those orange bottles here), and to like the scene itself?? like yes, a white person being asked to pick a sex worker in a line-up, excuse me, fishbowl (wow so oriental!!) in a third world country is a very appropriate parallel for the process of auditioning orchestra members 🙃

so yeah maybe i should be allowed to kill todd field

[mamamittens]

Well, I've made minimal progress drawing my weird little alien alter (the face and appendages keep fucking with me, ngl, I really don't draw animals often lol) but I've had fun mentally plotting out a little story to entertain myself at work.

I thought it'd be fun to explore identity, disassociation, and relationships through this funky little dude. Mostly cause several of my earliest OCs are low-key excuses to explore myself cause I'm not very socially aware. I won't say stupid but like, it took 20+ years to even consider that I've never had any real attraction towards someone before in my life.

It's the tism

Anyway! So I was playing around with the concept of what would happen to your sense of self if you were stripped of your previous physical form and given a new one totally alien that didn't change with time. There's no aging. You can't grow into this body. Bond with others over the unique difficulties time gives you as you age.

Any friends you make, it's a real possibility now that they won't be there for anywhere near as long as you are. This clashes with the curse idea I started with but only if I dedicate to naming what it even is to start with. Whatever it is, it definitely isn't working like it was intended to.

And so, to do this for OP, I needed to start sometime before the main story to let this existential horror really sink in. And because I liked the idea of the timing, I figured the island Roger and Whitebeard fight would be a fun meeting point.

First idea was that they (cursed OC) go there recently-ish. Enough to know the island but not establish any super dedicated base. This goes into shenanigans where they steal a weapon to reach their only remaining human clothing item from a branch that it caught on when they fell into the verse. Naturally talking to the blade and promising to leave fruit as an apology for taking it. Maybe with an audience of a very amused owner.

The second idea is that they've been there for a very long time. The WBP and Roger pirates fight taking place just around the time their only human companion has passed, leaving them bereaved and alone. Extra sad points here. Maybe they lived together for several decades in a cabin and now it's so empty the prospect of leaving it behind feels as necessary as it is upsetting.

The third is even worse, the fight taking place several years after their friend's passing and with the lack of human company they've sort of devolved into something closer to an animal than a person. So much so that they have trouble talking for a while after suddenly being prompted to speak up. Initial idea is that Buggy is eaten by a giant frog and is saved but they tell him "wash. No hurt, wash" when they mean to say "you need to wash off the stomach acid or get 3rd degree burns in under an hour". Eventually leading the two captains to the abandoned house for tea but finding all the supplies for it having gone bad for some time.

Naturally, regardless of which one I go with, the custody battle is epic. Though I'm leaning with the third, ngl

Kiwi (their name for now, it's just my baby nickname lol) either goes with the WBP or Roger. If it's Roger the split goes badly and Kiwi ends up half feral again having been aggressively on the run to draw attention away from Shanks and Buggy. It's a few years before they're found again.

I'm leaning on the size thing being connected with state of mind. Like, vulnerable and afraid is the smol bean version. Feral is either the middle 'grown' version or full space dragon depending on how bad it is. Wholly aware and in control is usually smol bean but when talking to people 'on their level' or super comfortable, it's the grown version. So this fighting ring is a very feral, growly grown version with cat pupils.

I had a really horrible and sweet idea that Kiwi ends up in a fighting ring and nearly guts the newly appointed commander Thatch (like I could resist, who do you think I am???) Before noticing his jolly Roger tattoo.

"...friend?" And feels really bad about injuring him. He's confused but rolls with it, busting them out and is delighted to discover that Kiwi is in fact, an old friend of his captain. The rehabilitation is easier this time cause it hasn't been quite so long since Kiwi talked to people and didn't just exist in a fugue state.

Kiwi keeps more animalistic traits such as climbing people, chirping, purring, grooming, and expressive ears/tail body language. Maybe some face rubbing. You know. Like a cat lol

Not sure how human form comes about. But it'd be funny if they admit they miss certain aspects regardless of form. Like having four arms and finding clothes that fit without messing up thick fur.

[torchickentacos]

ok having a weird one today ngl. having that thing of 'extrovert who craves interaction is also facing social burnout at the same time' which is an odd feeling to balance so I'm just gonna be on tumblr today and not much else probably. not ignoring messages, of which i probably have several on discord, just kinda off vibes today. I will say though it's interesting from like. a social standpoint how different tumblr and discord or even twitter are? under cut bc I'm just rambling about the interesting and immense social differences on the paltforms despite many people using both and enjoying both

because like. with discord, it's very not on your time frame. The conversation moves on in real time, which can contribute to a sense of not having control or time to slow down, and even twitter has a similar fast-paced social vibe. But tumblr is so much more manageable in moods like this, because it's all on your terms. Conversation can be picked up and dropped off at your own time frame whereas discord keeps it moving by virtue of being a groupchat, but here it's just... idk. op answers when they want. op can talk about what they want when they want it because interacting is much more open-ended and optional on tumblr. I'm tossing this post into the void, not AT people, so I'm more comfortable just kinda quietly vibing here whereas discord, if i typed this out and sent it, people would respond and it would be a conversation. But here it's just. type it out. throw it into the world. go make coffee or something.

TLDR tumblr is parallel play where you can just vibe quietly with other people and discord is more of a genuine social setting with more expectations and pacing. Which I usually LOVE but today's just not the vibe for it. Yesterday i made a post about what to do when you feel shitty, and this is part of it. Knowing what types of social interaction are going to make you feel less isolated, and which are going to overwhelm you on a bad day. bc today is a very 'if i say anything i'm gonna spiral about if people took it right or if i came across wrong or if everyone hates me' day. And I think that's soemthing everyone struggles with to an extent, and the best way to manage it is to not necessarily avoid all interaction, but to see how you can accomodate your social life day to day depending on your mental space. Which at this point should really be a skill people are taught how to do since we're more hypersocial and interconnected now more than ever, but I digress.

[emma-is-swaggy-and-epic]

Hey y'all, just got back from watching the rest of manlybadasshero's omori lets play and i thought i'd share some of my thoughts about the game! (NEEDLESS TO SAY, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!)

So let's get one SUPER ULTRA MEGA BIG thing out of the way first, i would've 100% enjoyed my experience a lot more if i wasn't such a huge scatterbrain and spoiled the big twist at the end for myself. Though in my defense i kinda wasn't expecting the game to get so popular so quick when it first came out, i first heard of the game through manly and i thought it was just another obscure indie game like what he always plays. Aside from that though....I LOVED IT!!!!! It tugged at my heartstrings with it's accurate portrayal of mental illness and the heartwarming moments between sunny and his friends, it really reminded me of my own childhood in a lot of ways. I've found myself relating to all the characters in some sort of way, especially aubrey. Idk....just the way she lashed out on others throughout the game really spoke to me in a weird way......either that or it's just because i like rebellious characters in general (the fact that she has a pet bunny is a plus for me, i love bunnies!)

Ngl, i don't cry to video games often....i'm pretty sure the only games i've ever cried to are undertale and pokemon sword but even then, i was crying about pokemon sword because i was proud of myself for completing the game....and honestly, i'm glad omori is one of those games that make me emotional like that...even if i already knew sunny killed mari, even if i already knew basil killed himself in one of the endings. Though that could also be because my dog wouldn't shut the fuck up while i was watching the last few episodes and i was just stressed out about that

If i had to pick: i feel like i prefer headspace over real world, i was an undertale kid back in the day so i love me some quirky characters and fun worlds! Though tbh i feel like omocat WANTED her players to like headspace more since she explicitly said at one point that she specifically wanted to make omori a game so that people would be able to FEEL what sunny was feeling (that's the best way i can explain it i guess) that being said; i'd say my favorite characters are aubrey, spaceboy and recyclepath. I've already said what i've wanted to say about aubrey earlier but aside from that, i think she's really cool and VERY me-core! Same goes for spaceboy, i'm a huge sucker for bright colors and space-themed characters. Not to mention recyclepath is a really unique character, i've never seen a character based ENTIRELY on recycling before! Plus his coat and glasses remind me a LOT of oliver tree and i mean....hey, i like songs like alien boy and life goes on lmao

Ngl while i DID get the endings spoiled for me, there was still a lot of stuff that was a HUGE surprise for me! Like BRO I HAD NO IDEA KEL AND HERO HAD A BABY SISTER!!!! I mean....i DO vaguely remember someone mention sally in a youtube comment section but i had no idea what they were talking about and i was kinda just confused (iirc i may have even thought that kel and hero having a sister was just a weird dream i had) but i mean hey....as the youngest sister of 3 siblings who was born when my mom was in her 40's myself, i appreciate the representation! /hj

I actually first got into omori because a good friend of mine was into it, it started when he changed his pfp on discord to basil and we had a really short conversation about the game afterwards. A while later i saw an omori edit in my youtube rec and i thought "oh yay it's that game my friend likes! Let's watch it!" And the rest, as they say, is history! Dunno why the fuck it took me a whole ass year to finish the damn playthrough though

Speaking of which, i DEFINITELY wish that manly showed the hikkikomori route bosses in his playthrough. Seeing thoses cutscenes of the slime girls creating roboheart, mutantheart and perfectheart REALLY got me pumped to see the boss fights! Oh well....

All in all, omori is a SPECTACULAR game and i'm glad i decided to check it out! 9/10!

[its-all-papaya]

now I fear I will be the one struggling to sleep tonight T-T

27!!! third times the charm !!!

get to know me

us in an endless loop of guilt? sounds about right.

27. Three things you love about yourself.

nah u knew what u were doing here 🤨 everyone knows i DON'T love myself at this current point in my life 🤧 i'll try my best though

i want to make people happy. there was a bit ago my work friend group took a stupid online buzzfeed-esque quiz assigning us like fruits with personalities, and one of mine was "genuinely wants their friends to succeed" and everyone in the group chat was like "so accurate!!!" and i was like 🥹. also when my boss gave me the bad performance review this spring, i cried in his office and he was like "this is why i hired you! you genuinely care so much about your team!" which. is a weird thing to compliment someone on when you're demoting them. also like... that should be industry standard. but i still like that comes across ig!! basically yeah, i think that i very passionately want the best for everyone and everything in my life.

i think i'm a good writer. feels like a gimme in this space, but that's always been a really core part of my identity. i've been writing creatively since i was like six years old and while it sometimes kinda sucks mentally these days, overall it's one of the things i think i'm best at.

i think i'm... kind of adaptable? it's wild to say bc i HATE change and LOVE routine but i do think i am able to change things once i've mourned. i've been reassigned at work every three months for the past two years in ways that require me to literally relearn my job, and i've made the most of that every time (re: bullet point one). i don't WANT to change, but if i'm made to, i'm usually pretty quick about adjusting. professionally but also personally. last spring when i realized like "hm. i think that i'm never going to be in a relationship again and i'm probably going to die without ever having sex" i was just like. okay! cool! even though, like most girls probably, i'd spent the entire first ~24 years of my life fantasizing about my wedding and future partner(s).

all of these feel like back-handed compliments to myself i'm ngl, i'm just like REALLY at a spot in my life where i'm not really proud of or happy with who i am. but i also just do not have the energy to fix any of that rn. it's whatever!! i'm also rlly good at pretending to like ppl i hate, so that's good news for myself!!