#which is a migraine that inconveniently does not come with a visual aura or other warning sign for me

[someinstant]

I have this story that I've been writing that digs into Cassian's relationship with Maarva following Sipo and Mimban, because I find their dynamic really interesting and I have so many questions I want to ask, especially in parallel to Jyn's relationship with Saw. And I feel like it's really strong characterization work, and I've loved writing it. But honestly, I don't know that I'm ever going to put it up on AO3 or Tumblr or anything, because I-- just do not want to deal with folks' apparent inability to refrain from spitting vitriol all over the comments and tags. And I know that there would be, and-- blech. Fandom should be a thing that makes me happier, not more stressed.

I try really hard not to engage with fannish opinions I disagree with, because YMMV is a good way to approach most interpretive media, and I am an adult human who knows how to mute and block terms I dislike, and I do so often. But damn, it's frustrating, especially when all I want is to find the corner of the internet where I can pick up an idea and show it to folks the way you do when you find a cool rock: look at this weird thing I found! Isn't it cool? Do you have one like it? Awesome! I'd love to see it!

Was chatting with a friend earlier today and I mentioned how much I missed LJ for fannish interactions, because it felt like I was growing my own little garden there, and interested folks could walk by and take a look, maybe step inside the gate and chat for a while if they wanted. But if anyone was rude or cruel about something that I had created or anything else, well, they were in my little corner of the fandom, and I could easily show them the door.

I think I'm just not comfortable with the structural nature of Tumblr as a fandom space; I suppose it could be seen as a collaborative "Yes, and...," sort of space, where you build upon the works of other like-minded people. And I hope that's what I mostly use it for. But so often it seems to turn unnecessarily mean, a sort of social one-up-ing of each previous post, taking the work or media or idea someone else was excited about and dunking all over it.

I dunno, man. I've been engaged in internet fandom culture since I was in high school, back when my mom had to yell at me to get off the internet so she could make a phone call. I've had a bunch of fannish homes over the years, and I tend to cycle through my areas of interest in bouts that last a few months to a few years at a time, and my fannish homes have always been with the writers-- on message boards and archive sites, LJ and AO3. But I don't think I know where my fannish home is anymore, and that makes me feel a little lost.