#which is ‘you’re a grown up and your mothers emotions should not dictate the choices you make in your life that literally do not affect her’

[koltarmi]

Accustomed to Your Presence - Chapter 2

Notes: Chapter 2 of my reed900 Jane Austen AU. Life has been crazy and for some reason, my draft deleted, so sorry for the delay! Once again, thanks to AJ in the Octopunk Media discord for beta-reading. Title is from Sense and Sensibility.

Read it here or on AO3

Summary: Gavin arrives at Hargrove House and meets the new neighbours.

Chapter 2: “It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; — it is disposition alone.”

Hargrove House is as imposing as he remembers it. The term house truly did not capture the air of grandioseness Gavin could feel suffocating him the moment the mansion came within his sight. 

The doors to the rented coach are hardly open half an inch before he spots his aunt beaming at him.

“Gavin, you’ve become such a handsome man!” Lady Maria Kamski pulled him into a tight embrace. 

He had wondered how long it would take before the ass-kissing began. It seemed his aunt was ready from the get go. Patting the older woman on the back, she finally let go when the young woman behind her spoke up. 

“Mother, please contain yourself and release our dearest cousin. He did not survive Napoleon’s forces just to be suffocated by you.” 

Ada, the bright-eyed and blonde-haired little girl he knew at 18, had grown up. She stood before them and the slightest smirk that graced her lips betrayed her otherwise stoic expression. From her dry tone, it was clear she had been instructed by her mother to be complimentary. Gavin, at the very least, could appreciate her subtlety when it came to the art of flattery. 

“Let’s not stand here any longer,” Maria said. “I’ll call for some tea. We have so much to catch up on.” 

As they were seated in the drawing room, Gavin realized their small party was missing a smug presence.  

“Where’s Elijah?” he asked. “Don’t tell me he’s pacing in the study and having philosophical debates with himself again.” 

Maria laughed as if he had told the funniest joke in the world. “Oh no,” she sighed, her face growing somber. “Since my dear Sir Henry passed, god bless his soul, Elijah has been so busy overseeing the transfer of everything. He’s currently on his way to Antigua to deal with some unpleasantness at the sugar plantations.” 

He had been ready to give the older woman the benefit of the doubt. After all, he wasn’t the only victim of Sir Henry’s unruly temper, but Gavin’s jaw clenched tightly at her words.  

He huffed as the tea was brought into the room. “Unpleasantness? That’s a funny way of saying people fighting against their forced enslavement.” 

Maria froze as she stuttered to find the right words to say. “I...um…Well-” 

“Ma’am, Lord Connor Stern and Doctor Stern are here,” Johnson, the butler, announced. 

Pleased that she no longer had to explain herself, Maria rose as the footsteps of her two guests echoed through the foyer. “Oh, it seems with the excitement of your arrival, I completely forgot that we were expecting visitors. Gavin, I must introduce you to them.”  

Following suit, Gavin stood up from his seat to greet his aunt’s stuffy rich friends. He was taken aback at first when he found himself looking at two identical young men. His aunt’s snobby friends were identical twins no less. 

No, upon closer inspection while the two men had similar features there were slight subtleties Gavin noticed. The taller of the two brothers sported a stoic expression which only served to make his features look even more sharp and severe. In contrast, the shorter man possessed an air of levity apparent in the fine lines around his eyes and mouth that indicated he smiled often.

After Ada and Maria dipped into polite curtsies, Maria walked towards the men with a smile full of motherly affection on her face. 

“Lord Stern and Doctor Stern. Lovely to see the both of you. You remember my daughter, Ada, of course?” 

The shorter of the two men nodded and easily grinned back. “Yes, it’s a pleasure to see you and Mrs. Myers.” 

It was only then that Gavin noticed the gold band on Ada’s ring finger.

“It’s my pleasure to introduce you to my dear nephew, Captain Gavin Reed. He’s just returned from the war and was gracious enough to grant us a visit.” 

The shorter man stepped forward and approached to shake Gavin’s hand. “It’s very nice to meet you.” 

The taller man also offered his hand. His piercing grey eyes reminded Gavin of terrible storms that had the power to destroy ships and throw men overboard. “Thank you for your service,” the taller man said, his voice was the slightest octave lower than his brother.

Suppressing a chill down his spine Gavin nodded and took a much needed step back. “It was my pleasure.” 

“I was quite disheartened to hear the news of your mother’s passing. Amanda was a dear friend and she’ll be terribly missed,” Maria interjected. “How are you feeling, Lord Stern?”

The shorter man nodded, his smile transforming into a thin line. “It’s been hard on the both of us,” he replied, gesturing to his brother who stood beside him. “I’m sure you understand. I can’t imagine Sir Henry’s passing was easy to deal with. However, Mother wouldn’t want us to focus on such maudlin subjects, would she?” 

“You’re quite right,” Maria agreed enthusiastically. “If you’re not in a rush, you should join us for tea.” 

“We wouldn’t want to intrude,” replied the brother who had to be Doctor Stern.

“Nonsense! Sit down and I’ll call for more,” she said. She gestured for Lord Stern to sit down in the spot she previously occupied beside Ada as she moved to a chair. Meaning the only available spot for the doctor was beside Gavin.

The moment they sat down, Maria began peppering the two of them with a variety of questions ranging from the details of their lodgings in Hertfordshire to some bits of London gossip she had caught wisps of. As they continued chatting, Gavin lightly tapped his finger against the tea saucer to keep his restlessness at bay. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” said Doctor Stern. “But I remember you mentioned having some magnolia trees planted in the garden. The weather is pleasant today and I would like to see the tree while they’re in full bloom.” 

Given the opportunity to show off the lavish home, Maria Kamski’s face brightened suddenly. “What an excellent idea! I’m afraid you’ll have to go out without me. Too much sun gives me the most terrible headaches, but Ada will give you a wonderful tour of our grounds. Gavin, dear, your room will be ready by the time you come in if you want to rest or change before supper.” 

“Will I be sleeping in the attic again? I think I left a book of mine up there.” 

At the confused looks of the two brothers’ faces, Maria laughed nervously. “Oh, you’re so funny, Gavin. You’ll be staying in a guest room, of course.” 

Putting on his most smug smile, Gavin replied, “Amazing what a title and money can get you.” Impatient to get outside, he walked towards the back doors that led to the garden. 

He enjoyed the fresh air and warm afternoon sun for a few quiet moments before the rest joined him outside. 

“The magnolia trees are further back in the gardens,” Ada said. “But we’ve made a few improvements here and there, if you would like to see them?” 

While Doctor Stern nodded, Lord Stern replied with an eager grin, “Lead the way, Mrs. Myers.” 

As Ada led them through the garden, Gavin fell several steps behind, taking the opportunity to stretch his limbs after the long carriage ride. However, Doctor Stern noticed his slow steps and slowed down himself to match Gavin’s pace. They walked silently side by side as the distance between them Ada and the other had widened considerably. 

“I presume that you prefer the outdoors, Captain?” the doctor asked. 

Gavin nodded. “I do. The only thing that can stop you out here are the elements.” 

Looking ahead, he noticed Ada stumble, grabbing on to Lord Stern’s arm to steady herself. 

“Your brother seems like a good person. He should be careful around Ada.” 

A curious look appeared on the taller man’s face. “What should he be careful of?” 

“Did you ever get the chance to to meet Sir Henry Kamski?” Gavin asked. 

“No, I did not.” 

“Be glad you didn’t. He was an unpleasant man with a hell of a temper,” Gavin said. “When I left Hargrove, Ada was five years old, but the way she holds herself and the look in her eyes; they all remind me of her father.” 

“You’re quite observant and blunt,” Doctor Stern noted. 

Gavin smirked and the doctor’s word choice. “I might have grown up with the Kamskis, but Sir Henry made it very clear I did not belong at Hargrove. Thought I was too outspoken and defiant,” he said, scratching at the scar on his nose. 

“Since you’ve offered your honest opinion, may I be as bold to offer mine?” 

Gavin nodded. 

“I don’t know if you’re aware of the fact that Mrs. Meyers is widowed. It’s clear Mrs. Kamski wants her to remarry. When my brother and I first arrived, she was equally attentive to both of us, until she discovered Connor,” he gestured at his brother in front of him. “Is older than I and the heir to our father’s fortune.” 

Gavin sighed as he processed the new information. “She is definitely her father’s daughter, calculating mind and all. Did she get your hopes up?” 

Doctor Stern firmly shook his head. “No, not at all. I am a bachelor of my own volition.”

“No one has ever caught your eye before?” 

“I’ve met plenty of pleasant and attractive people,” the doctor said. “None of which I could connect to on an intellectual and emotional level.” 

As the magnolia trees came into their view, Doctor Stern paused in his steps, glancing at Ada and Connor in the distance. 

“Society dictates that we have to be the most amiable versions of ourselves, which is quite frankly something I find draining. I want to thank you for our conversation, Captain Reed,” he said. “It was quite…refreshing. However, I think we should take your advice and catch up with my brother and your cousin.”

Gavin chuckled. He never thought he would be thanked for his lack of propriety. 

“Anytime,” he replied.

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

Yours Truly [Part Fifteen]

Summary: Sadie attempts to make the best of life without Chris and Layla as summer comes to a close. Pairing: Chris Pratt x OFC, Chris Evans x OFC Word Count: 1990 Warnings: Minor cursing, kinda angsty? A/N: This fic was previously posted on my multi-fandom account; in honor of OC Appreciation Day, I figured I would queue it all up for your reading pleasure throughout the day! This was a collab with @captain-s-rogers , and I will link her chapters at the end of all of my posts! Some GIFs were difficult to find again, so if there’s no credit, they’re from Google Image Search or from the original post. 

GIF Credit

July 27

Caroline,

Everything went well in Wichita, and you were right – Aunt Marie and Layla were joined at the hip while we were back home.

No, I haven’t told Chris that I love him, and it doesn’t matter anymore. Emily was waiting for Chris and Layla at the farm house when we came back from Wichita. Emily. As in Chris’s ex-wife and Layla’s mother Emily.

Maybe it was supposed to be a summer for good things, but they just weren’t meant to last.

Enough of my mopey shit. How was the fundraising event? I’ve been avoiding the news recently – I wish I could explain to you the difference I see even just on TV from when you were with Chris (okay, not WITH Chris, but you know what I mean) and when you’re with Charlie.

Feels like it wasn’t that long ago that I was all giddy over both of us finding a Chris to steal our hearts – now the thought makes me want to slap myself across the face a little bit. Or a lot.

I think we should keep writing these letters, even after the summer is over. I’ve written things and gotten things off my chest that I don’t think I would have otherwise. But another few weeks and we can nix the limited phone call rule!

Yours truly,

Sadie

After putting the last stenciled letter of her name above the dry erase board, Sadie stepped back and looked around her classroom. The decor was perfect, the organization was impeccable. Still, she felt like something was missing.

She sat at her desk and went over her class list, trying to decide how she wanted to do her seating chart to start the year. Everything was in order for the open house the next week, and once her seating chart was completed, Sadie would be ready for school to start.

Except that her excitement about a new job and a new school was overshadowed by her broken heart. Emily’s presence had put an abrupt halt to her relationship with Chris, although that was more Sadie’s decision than Chris’s.

After Emily joined them for an awkward, mostly quiet dinner, Sadie excused herself and Layla to play outside so that Chris and Emily could talk privately inside. Layla was quiet while Sadie read to her on the front porch swing, but refused to talk about what was on her mind, even when Sadie promised that she wouldn’t be upset about anything that Layla said.

“She’s asleep,” Sadie said, coming into the kitchen. “Sorry to interrupt. I’m heading home.”

Chris was right on her heels as she walked out to her car. “Sadie, wait. Talk to me.”

“She wants to come back,” Sadie stated.

“How did you know that?”

Sadie gave a sarcastic chuckle. “Because I saw the look on her face, Chris. Her sister stopped me at the elementary school the other day, and now Emily is here. Just because I come across sweet and innocent doesn’t mean I am, you know.”

“I never said –”

“I’ll ask you one thing and if you can answer it honestly, then maybe I’ll stay.” She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. “If I wasn’t in the picture, would you even hesitate to hear Emily out? Or would you be less hesitant to see if your marriage can be reconciled?”

Chris’s mouth opened and closed a few times, but he couldn’t form words. Sadie nodded, having figured that would be the reply she received. Walking up to him, she kissed Chris on the cheek and bid him goodbye.

She had returned to the farm only once, to tell Layla that she wouldn’t be around so much now that Emily had returned. Layla had yelled at Sadie that it wasn’t fair, shut herself in her room, and refused to come out until after Sadie left.

“Ms. Coleman, I’m surprised to see you here.”

Sadie broke from her thoughts to see Libby Anderson coming into her room. “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

Libby frowned. “Why do you think I would be disappointed? Sweetheart, I’m thrilled that, despite recent changes in your personal life, you’ve chosen to stay here in Lawrence. I was simply meaning that I personally wouldn’t have that fortitude. I mean, if the guy I was super into went back to his ex-wife, I’m not sure I would stick around.”

“Fortunately for me, my professional life isn’t dictated by my personal life,” Sadie said, standing up from her desk. “You know though, Libby, I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal problems recently. I’ve been thinking about what reason you could possibly have for wanting Emily to come back to Chris – which I’m assuming is what happened here due to the timing of our exchange and your sister’s return – and I’ve only come to one conclusion that makes any sort of sense: if you can’t have him, it’s better that your sister has him than someone you don’t know, right? You have no interest in spending time with your niece, so that’s not a motivator. But if your sister has him, then at least you get to be close to him on occasion. And of course Emily is a selfish bitch, so she wouldn’t want anyone else to have her family, even if she doesn’t want them.”

“How dare you!” Libby sputtered.

Sadie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. “You and your sister are cut from the same conniving cloth. You got what you wanted, Libby, so stay the hell away from me.”

She glanced at the door and waited for Libby to catch a hint. When the other woman finally stormed out of the classroom, Sadie returned to her desk. Her heart was still broken, and now a shard of anger had been added to the heavy emotions already weighing her down.

By the time the open house came around, Sadie had settled into her house, gotten her seating arrangement figured out, and was ready for inservices the next week.

She put on a yellow summer dress, the same brown sandal wedges she had worn for her first date with Chris, and added some of her favorite accessories. After fixing her hair so that she appeared to have put in some effort but hadn’t just thrown it into a ponytail, Sadie applied her usual natural looking makeup. She gathered her bag and her keys, and headed for the elementary school.

Meeting the seventeen students in her class was just the thing Sadie had needed to lift her spirits. She was immediately enamored of all of the kindergarteners, even the ones she could already tell would be ornery. Twelve of them had come through when Chris, Layla, and Emily arrived in the kindergarten hall. Sadie held her breath and turned the other way; somehow, she had thought she could avoid seeing the Pratt family.

As they walked toward her classroom to the room on the other side where Layla’s teacher could be found, Sadie casually but purposefully wandered into her own room, but it was in vain.

“Adie!” Layla cried, running up from behind and wrapping herself around Sadie’s legs. “I’m sorry I yelled, please come back! I’ll be good!”

Sadie turned carefully so that she could detach Layla from her legs and crouch down to talk to the small girl. She glanced briefly in the doorway to see Chris grab Emily’s hand to stop her from interrupting Sadie and Layla. Seeing his hand wrapped around Emily’s broke her heart even more but she maintained her focus on Layla.

“You have no idea how much I miss you, Layla. Me staying away has nothing to do with anything you’ve done, understand?” She waited for Layla to nod. “Do you remember when we talked about grown-ups need time to figure things out sometimes? And about doing what’s best for you? Your mommy and daddy need to figure out what’s best for the whole family, and that includes you. I’m staying away to give them space to do that, but also to give you space, sweetheart. It would be confusing to have me and Mommy around, don’t you think?”

Layla nodded again. “But I miss you.”

“I don’t want you to be sad, but it’s nice to know you think about me. We will still see each other. Here at school and probably in town sometimes, and I’m sure if your parents ever need a babysitter for you, they’ll give me a call.”

“What about Daddy? Don’t you love him?”

Sadie looked at Chris before whispering to Layla, “Yes, I do. But we can’t tell him that right now, okay? He and mommy —“

“Are figuring things out, I know.” She hooked her tiny pinky with Sadie’s. “I promise, I won’t tell.”

Layla hugged Sadie tight again before turning to her mother calling her name. She took Emily’s hand and glanced back at Sadie once more as they left the classroom.

Sadie waved, keeping her eyes on Layla. She could feel Chris looking at her, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of a returned gaze. She wasn’t okay, and he had made his choice. Sadie had to deal with that, and so would he.

The rest of the open house was smooth sailing. The Pratts didn’t pass by her room again that Sadie saw, and she met the rest of her students before the evening was done. Everyone had filtered out, and she was straightening up the students’ folders with the information the parents had filled out for her. Once that was all done and she made a couple of adjustments to her seating chart, Sadie could get home.

“Can I talk to you?”

Sadie’s shoulders fell as she turned to where Chris was standing near the door; she hadn’t even needed to see him to know who was there. “What could you possibly have to talk to me about?”

He let out a deep breath. “That’s the thing, I shouldn’t be here talking to you. I lied to Emily about where I was going. I don’t know what to do, Sadie, but I don’t know who else to talk to about it. I had a handle on my life before you came in but nothing really made sense. Layla and I were barely holding on, and then you came in, and everything made sense. I have no right to come to you as my friend, but I don’t know who else to talk to.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” Sadie said, choking back the tears. “I want to, but Chris – do you understand what Emily coming back has done to me? You know what, it’s not even about her coming back, it’s the way you handled her coming back. I asked you, to your face, if you would have any hesitation in working things out with her if I wasn’t around, and you couldn’t give me an honest answer.” She wiped away a tear that had escaped down her cheek and shook her head. “I was worried all along that I was only filling a void for you, and when Emily came back and you couldn’t answer me, it’s like my worries were validated. So, no, I can’t help you with this one, and you’re absolutely correct – you have zero right to come here and ask me to help you make sense of your life. I will warn you of this, but it’s for Layla’s sake, not for yours: Emily only came back because Libby told her that you were with someone else. She still doesn’t care about being Layla’s mother or not. Hopefully that gives you something to think about. Good night, Mr. Pratt.”

She turned back to the student folders, hoping to God he wouldn’t say anything more. When he finally turned and left, closing the classroom door behind him, she slumped into one of the small desk chairs and cried.

Part Sixteen

[09yards]

7 - Houston, I have so many problems (days gone by - nct)

Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist - ao3 link

warning: excessive use of italics in this chapter because apparently I felt like it and I've only worked on this during night hours and honestly it probably doesn't make sense because it isn't edited properly okay love you bye now, enjoy the chapter (:

Mark drowns his sorrows in T Swift, Grey's Anatomy and Ben and Jerrys and we talk about Johnny a whole lot and the pressures of school and life decisions.

I’ve got a hundred speeches thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

&

Yeah, after all this time, I’m still into you

      Johnny was a good brother, just not exactly role model material. He was protective, but still let you do all the dumb stuff you thought of - like jumping fully clothed in the lake during winter or staying out past curfew because ‘mum will never know, not unless you tell her anyway’ - he was the one there to laugh with you, cry with you, encourage you to do stupid things because you have to live your life. Mark never really understood when Johnny would go on some philosophical rant about how you only get one life, if you aren’t enjoying it then you’re not doing it right.

     He wasn’t constantly thinking about what to do next, how if he did this or that then this would happen. Mark was confused by it in all honestly, he couldn’t comprehend that Johnny studied for fun, wanted to do well not because he felt he had to but because he wanted to. Mark never felt like he made choices purely for himself, he did it for other people or because that’s what he was supposed to do. It wasn’t just academics, Mark was nice to everyone, he it his tongue when he really wanted to correct someone on their opinions (everyone is entitled to their own opinions but the guy was just plain wrong, zero factual basis for his arguments). Mark liked being in control of his own thoughts and feelings, he liked dictating his own life, for once. He just didn’t know how to regain control. He wanted to stop doing things for others, he wanted to be a little selfish – wanted to make himself happy first. He didn’t realise there was absolutely nothing selfish about that at all.

      And then, as stupid as it may sound, Mark started binging Grey’s Anatomy. The medical drama was a major turning point for the sixteen-year-old (at the time), taught him about how he wanted to help people, how he wanted to make a difference to people’s lives. He remembers sitting down and talking to Johnny about it, about how he felt like he’d found his calling. Sure, if anyone asked him now, he’d tell people that he fell in love with medicine as a young child, always playing doctors with his teddy bears and seeing his mum go to work every day, not that Sandra Oh being the magnificent actress she is, made him want to learn more and more about the field, thus he pulled an all-nighter googling different medical pathways and finding what was right for him – and how.

      Johnny was there for all the big decisions in his life. Johnny was there when Mark didn’t realise you were supposed to ‘come out’ if you were anything but straight (frankly, he strongly believed in the idea that no ones sexuality should be pre-determined and that no one should feel the need to define who they are - like that clip in ‘Love, Simon’ which prompted Jisung, Hyuck, Renjun and Jaemin all telling him to shut up when he went on a rant about how assuming someone’s sexuality is wrong and how coming out shouldn’t just be for the non-heterosexual) and in the midst of his first full-on breakdown over his burgeoning crush on Daniel from year 10 maths, Mark had said ‘he’ around thirty-two times, give or take a few (yes, Johnny had counted just to be sure), and only then had it truly dawned on Johny that this was it, this is the closest Johnny was getting to an ‘I-am-gay-and-this-is-me-coming-out-to-you’ moment. Honestly, it’d made Johnny quite proud - his mother was an avid supporter of the community and they’d grown up completely aware that any and all love was love, nothing wrong with any of it and those who believed otherwise didn’t deserve a lollipop (sue him, he was only eight and that was their mum’s way of describing people who were arseholes without calling them bad names). Johnny was there when Mark, sweating nervously and disgustingly clammy-handed, told them how he wanted to follow in their mothers (actually Meredith Grey’s, not that he was going to tell his mum that) footsteps and become a doctor too. Why he was so nervous, he’ll never really know nor understand.

      Especially not when Johnny picked him up and twirled him around in a hug shouting about how his little brother is going to be a doctor, Johnny always was one for theatrics, their mum on the other hand gave her usual warm-hearted smile, said she’d support him no matter what and wrapped him up in one of her bear-hugs. She always gave the best hugs, they simply felt like home, like no matter what you’d be safe.

      Jisung smiled, too young to really care and didn’t understand why Mark had made some big deal about it – “it’s just a degree, you could buy one online for like a hundred pounds instead”. Yes, Jisung spent too much time on the internet, Mark really didn’t want to know what the majority of his time on there was spent doing. Honestly, Mark had him pegged as some sort of edgy Tumblr teen running an insanely successful blog for a book-turned-tv-or-movie series so the majority of his time was probably devoted to reading (that Mark knew) and watching and then reviewing the episodes. It was somewhat worrying the amount Mark had thought about this, was he a multi-fandom blogger or did he just stick to one? What was he watching? Shadowhunter’s? Harry Potter? Sherlock? So, many, questions. But hey, it wasn’t Marks business to know. If he’d just asked Jisung he’d be aware of the youngers multiple blogs, one dedicated to his love of kpop and idols with dimples, the other dedicated to reviewing and just general chatting and fan theories about his favourite book series turned movie/TV shows, Mark wasn’t as far off as he’d like to believe.

      With everything that was happening with Hyuck, or rather lack thereof, Mark was desperate to feel at least somewhat in control of his life. Desperate to feel like he was doing something that mattered, like he was working toward something. One thing Mark could always rely on is that all of his friends and family, among other things, would describe him as a workaholic. As much as Mark loved to attempt to dispute this, he couldn’t. It was the truth and being the emotionally constipated teenager that he is – what better way to deal with your emotions that not doing so and instead throwing yourself into schoolwork? Mark was a broken human in many ways, in many ways he was just normal. Just like any other teenager feeling like they didn’t have their lives under control, feeling like they had to make life altering and affirming decisions at the age of sixteen or seventeen. It wasn’t fair. It didn’t feel fair at least. It didn’t feel fair that he couldn’t have some cute teenage love story like in the movies, didn’t feel fair that he had to submit his university applications by mid-October when everyone else got to wait until December, didn’t feel fair that everyone else had their soulmates or were finding them left and right but he was stuck.

      It was stupid and selfish but he wanted to feel upset. He wanted to feel like he’d lost something rather than just admitting the plain truth that Donghyuck just didn’t like him back. Not every love story was straight (oh the irony) out of Wattpad and not everyone got their happy ending, at least not yet. So, a very stressed Mark was free to wander mindlessly around his home, mind too occupied with some parallel universe where there’s no such thing as soulmates and everyone possess the ability to fall in love with whomever they wish. Not that that would change much in Mark’s case, but let the guy dream okay? Okay.

      Johnny was a good brother. But Johnny was still his brother at the end of the day.

      A brother who comes home for the weekend unexpectedly and so his seventeen year old brother believes he’s able to be singing his heart out to wildest dreams by Taylor swift, I break from crying over Mcdreamy’s death, with a pot of Ben and Jerrys fish food (yeah he was in full blown sad mode) in hand and the most over-sized hoodie he could get his hands on, actually wearing his glasses for once and well… Mark was a mess, in peace, but Johnny took the initiative of filming Marks current endeavours before making his presence known by snorting obnoxiously and crumpling into a ball (well as close as Johnny could get to folding his over six foot body into something remotely small) on the floor of their kitchen unable to breathe normally for at least ten minutes and unable to look Mark in the eye for the next two hours while keeping a straight face, as every time it resulted in him wheezing again and managing to get out a “Y-you, you listen,” another wheeze, “to Taylor, the Taylor Swift,” another, stupid, wheeze, “like queen of break up songs when you’re sad? Oh, Mark, where did I go wrong with raising you.” Yeah, not the most pleasant of experiences for Mark, his bright red ears clearly displaying his emotions.

       He should be allowed to drown his sorrow in peace, listening to Taylor Swift (and Adele but Johnny didn’t hear his rendition of ‘hello’ so #MarkFirstWin) eating his ice cream and dancing around the kitchen. We’ve all been there and anyone who says they haven’t done some sort of version of this is a down right liar, or just really, really, lucky and hasn’t experienced any form of heartbreak ever.

      Nevertheless, this is the same Johnny who then slaps you so hard on the back that it winds you, and then tells you with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, “Hey! You know what would be perfect to distract you?” No Johnny, he was taking the Taylor Swift route. Mark just shook his head, his ears tinting red at the memory of Johnny catching him again (yes it was three hours again) and how he would definitely be relaying the message to others. “Well, your uni applications are in, nothing you can do right now to change that. So, I wasn’t going to invite you because I knew you’d say no but now I’m leaving you no choice. As it’s Winwin and Yuta’s birthdays, they’re having a party tonight and you are coming with me.”

       “But-“

      “Yeah, no buts. You’re coming. Yes, everyone will be there – it’s a family affair. Even Jisung is coming for a bit but I’ve already bought him chocolate milk and put it in the fridge at Yuta’s place.”

      “And you’re really going to let me drown my sorrows in alcohol after my birthday party?”

      “Sure, after all, what’s the worst that could happen?”

      Like Mark said, Johnny let you do the dumb shit. He’d help you pick up the pieces later.

   Hyuck. Alcohol. Jungwoo. Alcohol. Yuta. Alcohol. Winwin. Alcohol. Jaehyun. Alcohol. Soulmates. Black-out drunk.

[whiskeyxcola]

Yours Truly: Part Fifteen

Summary: Sadie attempts to make the best of life without Chris and Layla as summer comes to a close.  Pairing: Chris Pratt x OFC, Chris Evans x OFC Word Count: 1990 Warnings: Minor cursing, kinda angsty?  A/N: Hope you enjoy the continuing series collab with @captain-s-rogers ​​! Don’t be afraid to ask to be on the taglist, and please let us know what you think! Also, keep an eye out for part sixteen, which Ashley will be posting later today! I say again … this man is hard to find gifs for!

Tags: @ellen-reincarnated1967 @crazililwabbit @catching-up-with-kayla @speakinvain

Masterlist

July 27

Caroline,

Everything went well in Wichita, and you were right -- Aunt Marie and Layla were joined at the hip while we were back home.

No, I haven’t told Chris that I love him, and it doesn’t matter anymore. Emily was waiting for Chris and Layla at the farm house when we came back from Wichita. Emily. As in Chris’s ex-wife and Layla’s mother Emily.

Maybe it was supposed to be a summer for good things, but they just weren’t meant to last.

Enough of my mopey shit. How was the fundraising event? I’ve been avoiding the news recently -- I wish I could explain to you the difference I see even just on TV from when you were with Chris (okay, not WITH Chris, but you know what I mean) and when you’re with Charlie.

Feels like it wasn’t that long ago that I was all giddy over both of us finding a Chris to steal our hearts -- now the thought makes me want to slap myself across the face a little bit. Or a lot.

I think we should keep writing these letters, even after the summer is over. I’ve written things and gotten things off my chest that I don’t think I would have otherwise. But another few weeks and we can nix the limited phone call rule!

Yours truly,

Sadie

After putting the last stenciled letter of her name above the dry erase board, Sadie stepped back and looked around her classroom. The decor was perfect, the organization was impeccable. Still, she felt like something was missing.

She sat at her desk and went over her class list, trying to decide how she wanted to do her seating chart to start the year. Everything was in order for the open house the next week, and once her seating chart was completed, Sadie would be ready for school to start.

Except that her excitement about a new job and a new school was overshadowed by her broken heart. Emily’s presence had put an abrupt halt to her relationship with Chris, although that was more Sadie’s decision than Chris’s.

After Emily joined them for an awkward, mostly quiet dinner, Sadie excused herself and Layla to play outside so that Chris and Emily could talk privately inside. Layla was quiet while Sadie read to her on the front porch swing, but refused to talk about what was on her mind, even when Sadie promised that she wouldn’t be upset about anything that Layla said.

“She’s asleep,” Sadie said, coming into the kitchen. “Sorry to interrupt. I’m heading home.”

Chris was right on her heels as she walked out to her car. “Sadie, wait. Talk to me.”

“She wants to come back,” Sadie stated.

“How did you know that?”

Sadie gave a sarcastic chuckle. “Because I saw the look on her face, Chris. Her sister stopped me at the elementary school the other day, and now Emily is here. Just because I come across sweet and innocent doesn’t mean I am, you know.”

“I never said --”

“I’ll ask you one thing and if you can answer it honestly, then maybe I’ll stay.” She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. “If I wasn’t in the picture, would you even hesitate to hear Emily out? Or would you be less hesitant to see if your marriage can be reconciled?”

Chris’s mouth opened and closed a few times, but he couldn’t form words. Sadie nodded, having figured that would be the reply she received. Walking up to him, she kissed Chris on the cheek and bid him goodbye.

She had returned to the farm only once, to tell Layla that she wouldn’t be around so much now that Emily had returned. Layla had yelled at Sadie that it wasn’t fair, shut herself in her room, and refused to come out until after Sadie left.

“Ms. Coleman, I’m surprised to see you here.”

Sadie broke from her thoughts to see Libby Anderson coming into her room. “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

Libby frowned. “Why do you think I would be disappointed? Sweetheart, I’m thrilled that, despite recent changes in your personal life, you’ve chosen to stay here in Lawrence. I was simply meaning that I personally wouldn’t have that fortitude. I mean, if the guy I was super into went back to his ex-wife, I’m not sure I would stick around.”

“Fortunately for me, my professional life isn’t dictated by my personal life,” Sadie said, standing up from her desk. “You know though, Libby, I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal problems recently. I’ve been thinking about what reason you could possibly have for wanting Emily to come back to Chris -- which I’m assuming is what happened here due to the timing of our exchange and your sister’s return -- and I’ve only come to one conclusion that makes any sort of sense: if you can’t have him, it’s better that your sister has him than someone you don’t know, right? You have no interest in spending time with your niece, so that’s not a motivator. But if your sister has him, then at least you get to be close to him on occasion. And of course Emily is a selfish bitch, so she wouldn’t want anyone else to have her family, even if she doesn’t want them.”

“How dare you!” Libby sputtered.

Sadie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. “You and your sister are cut from the same conniving cloth. You got what you wanted, Libby, so stay the hell away from me.”

She glanced at the door and waited for Libby to catch a hint. When the other woman finally stormed out of the classroom, Sadie returned to her desk. Her heart was still broken, and now a shard of anger had been added to the heavy emotions already weighing her down.

By the time the open house came around, Sadie had settled into her house, gotten her seating arrangement figured out, and was ready for inservices the next week.

She put on a yellow summer dress, the same brown sandal wedges she had worn for her first date with Chris, and added some of her favorite accessories. After fixing her hair so that she appeared to have put in some effort but hadn’t just thrown it into a ponytail, Sadie applied her usual natural looking makeup. She gathered her bag and her keys, and headed for the elementary school.

Meeting the seventeen students in her class was just the thing Sadie had needed to lift her spirits. She was immediately enamored of all of the kindergarteners, even the ones she could already tell would be ornery. Twelve of them had come through when Chris, Layla, and Emily arrived in the kindergarten hall. Sadie held her breath and turned the other way; somehow, she had thought she could avoid seeing the Pratt family.

As they walked toward her classroom to the room on the other side where Layla’s teacher could be found, Sadie casually but purposefully wandered into her own room, but it was in vain.

“Adie!” Layla cried, running up from behind and wrapping herself around Sadie’s legs. “I’m sorry I yelled, please come back! I’ll be good!”

Sadie turned carefully so that she could detach Layla from her legs and crouch down to talk to the small girl. She glanced briefly in the doorway to see Chris grab Emily’s hand to stop her from interrupting Sadie and Layla. Seeing his hand wrapped around Emily’s broke her heart even more but she maintained her focus on Layla.

“You have no idea how much I miss you, Layla. Me staying away has nothing to do with anything you’ve done, understand?” She waited for Layla to nod. “Do you remember when we talked about grown-ups need time to figure things out sometimes? And about doing what’s best for you? Your mommy and daddy need to figure out what’s best for the whole family, and that includes you. I’m staying away to give them space to do that, but also to give you space, sweetheart. It would be confusing to have me and Mommy around, don’t you think?”

Layla nodded again. “But I miss you.”

“I don’t want you to be sad, but it’s nice to know you think about me. We will still see each other. Here at school and probably in town sometimes, and I’m sure if your parents ever need a babysitter for you, they’ll give me a call.”

“What about Daddy? Don’t you love him?”

Sadie looked at Chris before whispering to Layla, “Yes, I do. But we can’t tell him that right now, okay? He and mommy —“

“Are figuring things out, I know.” She hooked her tiny pinky with Sadie’s. “I promise, I won’t tell.”

Layla hugged Sadie tight again before turning to her mother calling her name. She took Emily’s hand and glanced back at Sadie once more as they left the classroom.

Sadie waved, keeping her eyes on Layla. She could feel Chris looking at her, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of a returned gaze. She wasn’t okay, and he had made his choice. Sadie had to deal with that, and so would he.

The rest of the open house was smooth sailing. The Pratts didn’t pass by her room again that Sadie saw, and she met the rest of her students before the evening was done. Everyone had filtered out, and she was straightening up the students’ folders with the information the parents had filled out for her. Once that was all done and she made a couple of adjustments to her seating chart, Sadie could get home.

“Can I talk to you?”

Sadie’s shoulders fell as she turned to where Chris was standing near the door; she hadn’t even needed to see him to know who was there. “What could you possibly have to talk to me about?”

He let out a deep breath. “That’s the thing, I shouldn’t be here talking to you. I lied to Emily about where I was going. I don’t know what to do, Sadie, but I don’t know who else to talk to about it. I had a handle on my life before you came in but nothing really made sense. Layla and I were barely holding on, and then you came in, and everything made sense. I have no right to come to you as my friend, but I don’t know who else to talk to.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” Sadie said, choking back the tears. “I want to, but Chris -- do you understand what Emily coming back has done to me? You know what, it’s not even about her coming back, it’s the way you handled her coming back. I asked you, to your face, if you would have any hesitation in working things out with her if I wasn’t around, and you couldn’t give me an honest answer.” She wiped away a tear that had escaped down her cheek and shook her head. “I was worried all along that I was only filling a void for you, and when Emily came back and you couldn’t answer me, it’s like my worries were validated. So, no, I can’t help you with this one, and you’re absolutely correct -- you have zero right to come here and ask me to help you make sense of your life. I will warn you of this, but it’s for Layla’s sake, not for yours: Emily only came back because Libby told her that you were with someone else. She still doesn’t care about being Layla’s mother or not. Hopefully that gives you something to think about. Good night, Mr. Pratt.”

She turned back to the student folders, hoping to God he wouldn’t say anything more. When he finally turned and left, closing the classroom door behind him, she slumped into one of the small desk chairs and cried.

[punkrockkenzie]

Be The Author Of Your Own Story

I hope that through this, as well as anything I write, you are able to find yourself in it. To whoever needs this, you are strong, you are brave, and you are perfect in your imperfections. 

When I was young, I tried really hard to be what was expected of me. I did what I was told, for the most part, and I held straight A's in school because it was what I was supposed to do. I was told all the time that I was smart, and that I would be wasting my life if I didn't grow to achieve what it seemed was predestined for me to achieve.  I mean, in the first grade I wrote that when I grew up I wanted be a lawyer. Truth is, I didn't even know what I lawyer was but it was what was dictated to me so as most kids do, I trusted that it was correct.

As I grew, I found that the more I tried to be what I was supposed to be, the harder it was for me to make anyone truly happy, let alone myself. I wasn't thinking about what I wanted or what I needed because no one ever asked me. I didn't even know that was an option. I knew that I struggled with anxiety. I was painfully shy. I hated confrontation and yelling. I also knew that none of those things would be able to assist me in getting to where I was told I should be. If I cried, I was told to suck it up, don't be a baby, "you're too sensitive". If I was bothered I was told, oh well, things aren't made for you. If I was scared, I was told there was no reason for me to afraid, and I had to toughen up. What my mom didn't wan't to raise, was someone who was weak. There was not much room for human emotion, that was weakness. On top of that, when something went wrong, or veered from the plan, she was outright terrifying to younger me. There was yelling and physical punishments and anything I said in rebuttal was more reason for her to continue until she received total and utter submission.

When I was driven into the depths of a massive eating disorder, I wasn't met with concern and hugs. I was given cold hard faces and disappointment. I was given hurt and more failure. I had no outward power over myself, so the only way I could maintain something for myself was to believe she, or whoever for that matter could think what they wanted, but that didn't mean I had been broken. For a long while, I just played the game. I did what I was told. I reacted the way I was supposed to. I showed what she wanted to see. That was until I didn't. After my rape (See Too Drunk To Do The Devil's Tango), I felt there was nothing for me to hold onto anymore. In a sense, I felt the good in my soul was gone and I was a voided wasteland of problems. I had been told before, "I'm not the one with the problem, you are.." I didn't believe it then, but man did it stick in the long run. Basically, at this point, the ripe old age of 13 or so, I gave up. I thought that I had tried for so long to be what everyone else wanted. It had still gotten me hit, yelled at, cursed at, grounded; more so, it had still gotten me raped. I didn't care anymore, not at what people thought of me, not of what I thought about myself, not about if I was making good or bad choices, not about if I woke up in the morning or not; I was empty and numb and terribly alone. I drank, I partied, I smoked, I had sex, I snuck out....I became everything that those punishments had taught me I was; a problem. At least now there was a reason for me to take the crap. At least now I could rationalize what I had experienced. I was doing terribly in school. Not because I couldn't do it, but because I didn't want to do it. I was done with people telling me how and when and why. All I wanted was to be free. To be grown. To be my own damn person. I detested school.

By my freshman year of high school, a time when kids should be exploring themselves and their interests and goals and friends, I had more Saturday schools then there were Saturdays in the year. I asked my councilor if I could go to Independent Study instead. At least that showed some signs of freedom; some promise of light at the end of the tunnel. I was told that if I could bring my grades up by the end of the semester, they would let me transfer. That was all I needed to hear and so, within weeks I was more than just a "passing" student. I went to Independent Study from the end of my freshman year, to the middle of my sophomore year. I learned that I could take the CA Exit Exam as a possible early out. If I passed the English and the Math sections, I would finally be FREE. Grown. Out. Done. I took it, low and behold I passed it, and by the middle of my 10th grade year, I had my certificate of proficiency. I left with my high school diploma in hand, and never, ever looked back.And then came my daughter. Shortly thereafter I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. My mom told me to get an abortion. I told her no. She tried for a while. I still said no. Once it was realized that I wasn't going to budge in my feelings towards getting rid of the "issue", the concern then became that I wasn't married. How could I possibly have a child without being married!? I had to get him to marry me. Marriage. Huh. Well, I'd get to leave at least. Sure, why not.

At 16 years old, I was signed away and married. I left to my "wedding" in Vegas, and never returned back to the place I once laid my head. I was gone for 10 years. 10 years without a guiding hand. 10 crucial years of raising kids and trying to be a wife while still growing up myself. The issue was, I didn't know who I was supposed to grow into. All I had been told was to go to college, be a lawyer, be a proper "born again Christian", but none of this fit into who I felt myself to be or the life I was in. Sure I believed In God, I had been through too much to deny the existence of something much bigger than us, something good and grand and perfect; but I found no comfort in Religion. I couldn't understand it. I felt it was used to justify the horrible treatment of others and truthfully it went against everything I felt God to be. I didn't really want to be a lawyer. Matter of fact, I didn't know what I wanted to be. I knew if I could choose anything I would have been a singer or an actress or something amazing like that. I also knew that felt like a pipe dream. Be realistic, I'd hear. So, there went that. I knew I tried beauty school. I liked it, it was nice....but forever? Like, for eva eva? Hm. Not so sure that was me either. See, I never had the chance to explore who I truly was and who I wanted to become. I was mature in so many ways because of having to council myself for so long, but in the ways of life, I was very much stunted. I didn't know how to vulnerable, or be scared, or ask for help. All I knew was to deal with it. And there was so very much that I was simply "dealing with" for way too long.

Funny enough, the first time I ever really felt like me, the genuine me, was when I was in my early-mid 20s. I had my best friend, and great group of girls who had, like me, raised and developed ourselves. We had been on own for a long while, and had been denied the pleasures of being able to grow as we should have. I had a job that while I'm glad now didn't pan out the way it was at the time, gave me a sense of independence and adoration and the freedom I so desperately craved. I had my children who were happy and healthy and precious. I had a sense of pride in myself that I had never felt before. I even met someone who made me truly happy. Life, for the first time in forever, was becoming my own.....

Nothing lasts forever though right?

Right. The divorce happened. I got married out of necessity, because I was told it was the right the thing do. Instead of happily ever after though, it was more like, from the oven into the fire. I was married to someone who was very controlling. Someone who was manipulative and extremely cruel at times. Someone who didn't care to ask about my feelings, my wants, my needs or desires. Someone who felt all too familiar to how things had been in the years prior, and so, just as I always had I "dealt with it". I dealt with it until it was affecting my children more than I was able to protect them. I dealt with it until that person I had met and fallen for had shown me that people can be caring and kind and funny and sweet. I dealt with it, until I whole heartedly couldn't anymore. Until I didn't want to anymore.

As a final stab at control, my then husband had me and the kids kicked out of our home. He took everything we had. He turned off the internet. He took my job. He took any money that was available. He tried to take my kids. What he wanted, was for it to kill me, but I refused to die. See, if he had paid attention, he would've known that I had already lived through things that felt like death, and as hard as it all was, I was never going to give anyone the satisfaction of putting the nail in my coffin.

What it did do though, that final stab, was drop me to the ground for a while. A long while. After 10 years of being gone, after 16 years of being told who I was, after 7 years of self discovery and after 1 year of happiness, I had no choice but to return to where I once called home, to a place where I was never going to be my own self. In almost an instant, I was thrown back into the oven from which I once emerged and battered with who I should be and what I was. Beyond that, what I was becoming; was still not good enough. "So what are you going to do? You have to do something. Get a job. You need to pay us rent." I got a job. A 10.00 an hour, still taking my kids to school and picking them up and going back to work after, job. A work up to 11 hours or more job. A pay back the money for the divorce lawyer, job. I got a damn job. "You are gone too much. You work too much. I am not a babysitter. Take care of your own kids. Why are you sleeping? Be a better mother. Go to school."Well which is it? Work, or stay home with the kids? "You are so ungrateful. Unthankful. Ms. Know-it-all. Clean up more. You're a slob. So messy. No wonder Jason left you."

He didn't leave me. He was never truly with me. Were you there? Did you see the years of cheating? Of abuse? Of tears? Did you see that I was the only one to ever get up with the kids? How about being dropped to the ground so hard that I thought my head split. How about the multiple concussions or busted jaw? Is that why he left me? I filed for divorce remember?"You're a leach. A mooch. Be a lawyer."I don't want to be a lawyer."Then you get what you get for not listening."

The divorce took 3 1/2 years. I did most of it on my own. Drowning in paper work and court hearings and massive problematic crippling anxiety. No, I did not want to be a lawyer. Time though, kept passing. I was back out of the house with my kids, about a year after moving in and it took me around another 3 years just to be able to feel like some sort of normal. I looked at what was around me. Truly, for the first time in a long time, looked. I saw that my kids were growing, there is someone in my life who has never let me believe a bad thing about myself, I am fully divorced, and now, I'm damn old. I've made it to 30 and  no where closer to that happiness I felt being all of myself, all of my true self in 2012-2013. I have once again let what I want, who I am, who I want to be, take a back seat in my own life's journey because I am scared to let those people who tell me who I should be, stand correct. I am scared to fail. I am scared to never be me. I am terrified to tell those people, that the woman writing this is the truth and the pleasantries are just a coping mechanism. I am scared to admit that while I know I am a grown woman, so much of me still feels like a girl. I am worried that they were right. That I should have been an effing lawyer.

Then, I think about what my life would be if that were the case.  If my life followed the direction of others instead of my internal passions and callings. I might have my own house, and great credit. I might have vacations without worry and giant thousand dollar birthday parties. I might. Those things would be amazing. I know what I would have though. I'd have enough anxious energy to run a city block. I'd have regret. I'd have an inner ache for more. I'd have a sense of falsehood. I'd have less of a soul for selling myself short.  Those things would be deathly.So, here I am. Typing away. Embracing the me I want to be. The me I am trying to once again find and grab and never let go of. 

Old.(er) Stressed. Wondering. Questioning. Financially struggling.

True.Honest.Raw.Open.Healing.Almost Free.

It is hard, harder than it should be to be the person you want to be. There are so many people and things and places telling you where to go and what to amount to. I've tried following it. Even if it's easier sometimes, it's not better. Just like I am trusting that I have something to offer through my passions, you have to trust that you know what is best for you. Even if people have other plans for life. Take back the driver's seat. Find your own direction even if it takes getting lost once in a while. Take back the pen. Be the author of your own life. Even if you are staring at a lot of empty pages. Fill them with truths. Fill them with hopes. Fill them with triumphs and fill them with failures. Fill them, and then never let go of your pen. Much Love, Now And Always KBXO

[sarahburness]

How to Free Your Truest Self When You Struggle With Anxiety

“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” ~Charles Spurgeon

I came from a broken and very poor family. My father left the house during my teenage years and it was just my mother, little brother, and me remaining.

Like most other single mothers going through the hardships of singlehandedly caring for two children, my mother was often anxious about my well-being. And she overcompensated for her anxiety by being overbearing.

I unfortunately inherited this anxiety.

Ever since then, I’ve had a daily battle with it.

You know the feeling.

You feel uncomfortable and your heart begins to race as you play out worst-case scenarios in your head.

It’s the feeling when you’re knee-deep in debt and worried about how you’ll pay the bills this month to support your family.

The feeling when you are overwhelmed with pressure and you have no idea how to solve the situation.

The feeling when you’re an introvert and you need to go to a networking event for work and you don’t know anyone there.

My struggle with anxiety was one of the most crippling experiences, and as a result, I never grew.

So how do you overcome anxiety?

I realized that first, I needed to know where most of it was coming from.

Anxiety is Actually Your Brain Trying to Protect You

Anxiety comes from a place of fear, and fear is your brain’s way of trying to protect you from getting hurt.

Fear is triggered by a small part of your brain known as the amygdala, and its priority is to look out for your survival. For example, if a mountain lion was chasing after you, your amygdala would trigger fear so that it would activate your body’s fight-or-flight mode and you’d run for your life or grab a weapon to fight.

While your amygdala watches out for your physical survival, it also looks out for your emotional survival. Unfortunately, it’s not the greatest at accurately gauging how dangerous an emotional situation might be. It often blows things way out of proportion.

For example, when I looked to my mother for approval and didn’t receive it, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. This emotional pain I experienced developed a behavior of perfectionism.

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” ~Brené Brown

I had developed low-self esteem. And because I thought I was worthless, nothing was scarier than the thought of making mistakes and failing, because that would confirm that I was not good enough.

My brain literally made me believe that failure was a horrible thing and that the only way I could succeed in life was to do all things perfectly. Even though this was impossible, this was my brain’s way of trying to protect me from the heartache of not meeting my mother’s expectations.

This is why I never really took too many risks and searched only for options that seemed to have a guarantee for success.

The more I let my anxiety make my decisions for me, or lack of decisions for that matter, the further and further I felt from who I wanted to become.

This was when I came to my big realization.

Anxiety does not serve you when it comes to internal growth.

All it gave me was a false belief that I was unlovable unless I met a certain set of standards.

Fortunately, I’ve grown and learned some powerful ways to start overcoming your anxieties, which I’m about to share.

The Power of a Safe Space

When I was a teenager, a man named Anthony saved my life. If it weren’t for him, I would’ve gone down a much more self-destructive path than I was already on at that point.

His friendship helped provide the safe space I needed to be myself. He never questioned the mistakes I’d made unless I wanted to talk about it. And when I didn’t want to talk about it, he’d openly share his own horrible mistakes.

I never once felt judged by him, nor did I feel like he had a set of expectations for me.

His conversations gave me many eye-opening lessons. For example, while I was worrying what other people thought about me, the irony was that they didn’t really care about me as much as I thought because they were too busy worrying about their own image.

Anthony helped me feel safe. Safe to be myself.

And it was in this safe space that I finally realized that I had the power and responsibility to stay true to myself.

As a result, I was finally able to become more aware of the truth.

How I Overcame My Anxiety

In a society where we are pummeled with over 10,000 advertisements a day telling us how we should look, act, and feel, it’s easy to lose sight of who we really are.

And it makes it even harder when we have our own cultures and even our own families trying to tell us how we should live our lives.

For so much of my life, I was constantly giving in to other people’s expectations of me. I let their standards determine my self-worth, and it made me always anxious about not meeting up to them.

But the reality is that I let this happen.

And here’s the even harsher truth.

I let it happen because it’s actually much easier to live a life that someone else wants you to live.

The scariest part is once you take ownership of the one life you have, you have no one to blame if things go wrong. At least following someone else’s path gave me the right to blame them.

My brain would rather have me sacrifice my mental health by letting others’ standards dictate my life than risk doing anything that might make me experience the emotional pain of looking like a failure and disappointing someone.

So I realized I needed to help my mind feel safe again, because all my anxiety was coming from my brain being in survival mode, trying to protect me from emotional pain.

This was when I discovered meditation.

I started using the free version of an app called Headspace, and I learned how effective it can be to simply be present and enter a state of awareness.

The key thing here that helped me changed my life for the better was exactly what meditation helped me develop.

Awareness.

Most of my life, I was being tossed left and right by my circumstances, and I lived my life a slave in reaction to my circumstances.

Meditation helped me become more aware of why I was behaving the way I did especially in these reactive moments.

I realized that almost all of my anxiety was irrational, and that it was my brain trying to protect me from emotion pain.

So the next time I was about to reflexively react to a circumstance that triggered my anxiety, I was able to be aware in that moment and think to myself, “Oh, I’m feeling anxious right now because this moment feels familiar to a painful experience I had in the past.”

And the moment I became aware of this I gave myself the power to make a choice rather than to habitually react.

Then I’d tell myself, “The old you would usually do this, but the new and improved you can do this if you decide to do so.”

Sometimes, I’d lose this battle and give in to my old ways, but other times, I’d win and I’d find myself transforming into a better person as a result.

Your Best Life Starting Now

Here’s the thing I realized about being true to yourself.

It is one of the most hardest decisions you will ever make, but it will also be one of the best.

The first key step of changing my life for the better was having awareness. The next key step was focus.

What you focus on is usually what you will gravitate toward.

The key to overcoming your anxiety is not to run away from who you were, but to run toward who you want to become.

So if you are chained by the shame of your past like I was, then your focus is to run away from it. The crappy part about doing this is your past will always follow you unless you stop running away and fight to free yourself from it instead.

As I meditated, I had such a clear idea of the person I wanted to become.

I wanted to become a great husband, a great father, and a great leader.

I visualized what that looked like and thought about how I could expand my heart to be able to become this person I was longing to be. I didn’t have all the answers, but I knew the only chance this life could ever become a reality was if I just took action steps toward that direction and learned as I went.

So much of my life I was running away without actually knowing where I wanted to go. I ended up in destinations where I just felt more lost than ever, and my anxiety kept catching up to me in the end.

So now, whenever I experience anxiety, I tell myself, “This is anxiety.” I thank my brain for looking out for me and then I ask myself, “What do I need to focus on in this moment and how can I get it?”

Then surprisingly, the anxiety calms down and the thinking part of my brain activates to try to figure out the best way to go about things.

This is what changed everything for me.

And I know it can change everything for you too.

While people might want you to live the life they want you to live, the world desperately needs the power that comes from you living your most authentic life.

If you are battling anxiety like I am, you deserve to cultivate the safe space you need to start running toward the person you want to become. It’s time to take a deep breath, be compassionate with yourself, and know that your best self is much closer than you think.

Stay aware and focused and you’ll be there in no time.

Here’s to keeping life beautiful.

About Eugene Choi

Eugene is the founder of Destiny Hacks. Through his blog and coaching service, he helps people develop a customized plan to serve a need that exists in the world, utilizing their passions and talents. Download his free guide to help find your unique calling here.

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The post How to Free Your Truest Self When You Struggle With Anxiety appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-free-your-truest-self-when-you-struggle-with-anxiety/