#which I know seems like. bull. bc of the lonely of it all here

[longingforthecosmos]

happy birthday, Leon!

[red-hood-vigilante]

it's so disheartening to watch bc i just KNOW it was bc of the writers seeing audiences hate sam and glorifying dean and playing into that narrative that sam is unreasonable, selfish and cruel to dean when he just... isn't.

YES you literally stole the words right from my brain! I actually saw an article that someone wrote saying supernatural would have been better off without Sam after season 9 or something, and I just stopped reading because it was absolute bull. Sam is one of the only reasons I watch spn, if they'd have dropped him I never would have watched it again

and it sucks to watch bc sam doesn't give the same shit back to dean and there's no catharsis for sam's pent up frustrations and anger so their relationship is so one-sided

Also this. One scene that bothered me was when right before dean left with cas while Sam was doing the trials, he said that Sam of all people needs a chaperone while he's doing the important stuff. And I literally just thought to myself, if there was ever a time for him to stop being a dick it should probably be when his brother is dying and trying to save the world by closing the gates of hell, but no not even then. And worse was when Sam overheard and instead of defending himself, decided that completing the trials and dying would be better than living with a brother who thought so little of him :( until dean talked him out of it of course.

I just couldn't understand why the writers would make Dean such an asshole but still make almost every other character in the show love him while still leaving Sam isolated and lonely. Honestly I would have been very happy with an episode that was just Sam being happy with his own life outside of Dean, without someone dying. It seems like we saw a lot of that with dean but not with Sam. Instead it seems like the writers tried their hardest to make him seem boring just because he didn't like the same music as Dean, didn't eat the same things as Dean, didn't laugh at Dean's jokes and basically just because he was his own person and not dean 2.0

I'm sorry if these asks are too long and rambling I just have a lot of frustrations with what they did to the show 😅

don't be sorry, i love rambles and rants 💗 as you can see my answers are just as rambling

i was genuinely baffled when i saw sam go through the trials and carry this burden for the greater good only for dean has the damn nerve to say something so shitty. again, dean has this ingrained idea that sam is a kid who doesn't know what he's doing - to some extent i can understand this notion bc dean did help raise sam since he was a baby and struggles with letting go of this kid (interesting pseudo-parent and child dynamic here) and accepting sam as an adult (which was what their s5 dynamic was about and it led to some growth on dean's part that regressed since) - but since sam has proven himself perfectly capable of surviving and completing the trials (as well as hurdles from past seasons), it's so utterly condescending and demeaning on dean's part to say something like that (s2 dean would never!).

at the point of s9 in the show dean was so utterly despicable to me i couldn't wrap my head around how he was so respected and loved by side characters (bobby, jo, castiel, charlie) bc the thing is right, that dean was so rarely written to be in the wrong by the narrative when it came to any conflict bc regardless of what he did and who he did it to, there would always be bigger issues going on so his wrongdoings would always take a backseat to the Big Bad of the season and the show would twist his actions be accepted or even 'necessary' at times bc for whatever reasons. it was such a blatant response to major parts of the audience putting dean on a pedestal and declaring him the poor misunderstood bisexual king. AND he was constantly prone to violent outbursts and temper tantrums when he got bad news or you know... somebody just disagreed with him...mans a walking red flag

the more space they gave dean and his emotions, the less there was for sam or anyone else and the writers didn't know how to take dean's mistakes and turn it into a redemption arc/an arc where he realizes how much the people around him have been hurt specifically because of him, his words and his actions, sam in particular. while kripke era isn't perfect, sam still had anger, sass, snark and the ability to stand up for himself even when he felt guilt or shame bc there was to some degree a balance to their dynamic. sam being the opposite of dean was never boring, writers post kripke era just wasn't capable of handling properly him as a character parallel with the storylines, which is a shame i think

[dreaminginvelaris]

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#10)

S3 E10: Down By Law.

Episode Description: Dr. Manning sustains an injury while helping a drive-by victim and Dr. Rhodes finds himself in uncomfortable waters.

Connor being in ‘uncomfortable waters’? I can hear Ava bullying him already.

(also i wrote a little thing abt maggie giving ava a red bull so enjoy that little bit of content)

Let’s get into it.

-barry just yeeted natalie against a car holy shit that’s fucking hilarious

-will needs to chill the fuck out

-YESSSSS

-THIS WHERE CONNOR BRINGS THE WOMAN HE WENT OUT WITH UP FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. AND THEN AVA HARASSES HIM FOR IT.

-this is one of the most iconic ava moments. (it’s first thing that pops up under the tumblr tag)

-ava overhearing connor not knowing his date’s last name. and ava walking over, already getting ready to make fun of him. barely concealing her smile

-the confidence with which she set down the file. she was too prepared and too excited

-this could just turn into a list of ava quotes

-”It must be hard, remembering all their names.”

“You know I read Derek Jeter used to send his conquests home with a gift basket. But a full cardio work up is... It’s much classier.”

-ava bekker secret baseball fan?

-Connor: “Jeter? You a baseball fan?”

Ava: “Oh, no. It’s much too boring. But I love gossip.”

-interesting. very, interesting... is it weird to anyone else to think about ava liking gossip?

-like the idea is fun and all but i hate the idea of ava being suuuper obsessed with gossip. it makes her seem way too shallow in my book. that being said, one of my hcs about women gossiping about all the shit men do to ava bc they know she’ll call them on it now has a lot more precedence

-i know she explicitly says that baseball is boring but i can’t get the idea of ava being a secret baseball fan out of my head. its just so novel

-HER SHIT EATING GRIN

- Connor: “Well, we will get you in and out of here as quickly as possible.”

Ava: “That’s what Dr. Rhodes is renowned for around here. Quick in and outs.”

Connor: *turns to her condescendingly*

Ava: *two finger salute* “I’m Dr. Bekker, by the way.”

-the lesbian icon jumped out

-also the fact that in the previous episode Ava’s mentor did the exact same salute. idk what it means but it’s not that important

-ava trying to hide her smile when asking the woman if she wanted them to contact her husband

-ava overhearing again when latham tells connor the woman he was with was doing cocaine

-ava smirking when connor says that he thinks the heart attack was from his sex and not the cocaine

-connor thinking he’s so good at sex he’s going to give this woman a heart attack

-he really drives All the ladies wild in EveryWay (sex, suicide. he’s the whole package)

-latham asking connor point blank “did you partake in the cocaine?”

-the ct team gives connor so. much. shit. it’s so funny

-also. ava just chillin at her desk looking at scans? that’s the kind of content i want to see. just her just being there. doing her own thing. that’s what i want

-THE GUY WITH A TEENAGE WIFE IS A REVEREND HOLY SHIT

-counting down the minutes til natalie drops dead (passes out but yk a girl can dream lol)

-sarah. back at it again with her rayon jacket and button up and backpack. the coffee cup only adds to the aesthetic

-connor being surprised that latham isn’t gonna let him do surgery on the women he fucked (twice, he might add)

- whatever you do, don’t think of a brown bear. are you thinking about it?

-maggie dealing red bull to people who need it. that’s a very soft idea

- ex:

Dr. Bekker is sitting at the desk in the ED. Well, sleeping, more like it. Her head is resting on her fist, her elbow precariously close to slipping off the the chair armrest, and her eyes open by just a hair.

“Dr. Bekker.”

Ava jolts awake.

“Maggie,” Ava says, strong accent cutting through, acknowledging the person standing over her. Hastily, she adjusts her jacket and scrubs, smoothing them back into place.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this tired.”

Ava shrugs, seamlessly slipping back into easy confidence.

“Rough couple of cases. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Uh huh,” Maggie says, unbelieving.

She sets a can of Red Bull on the desk with a knowing look.

“You need this more than anybody.”

Ava scoffs. “Those things? They are murder on your heart, come on.”

Maggie hums and walks away. Ava watches her leave, and when she’s out of sight, Ava darts forward, grabs the energy drink, immediately cracking it open and downing half of it.

- anyway.

- @punksarahreese that’s on you for making me believe ava loves energy drinks

- let’s continue

- sarah looking at charles telling her not to do something: I am not going to do a thing you said

- go off babe. it was the wrong decision but go off

- all the nurses watching this guy call nat a bitch:  👀 👀 👀 👀

- will being like: god that guy called you a bitch i fucking hate him

- and natalie being like: he is also refusing to let us treat the 14 yr olds cancer but you obviously have priorities

- sarah is so logical. she’s good at talking to people. can you FUCKING IMAGINE IF SHE HAD BETTER GUIDANCE (oh and less trauma)

- this is also the one with that hilarious screen cap of sarah holding a knife

- the way she is so calm about handing this patient a knife gives me anxiety

- THIS SCENE IS SO HARD TO WATCH IT SCARES ME SO MUCH

- sarah just in alone in a room with a man who keeps having visions of stabbing his wife. and her just handing him a fucking knife oh my god i have too much anxiety for this

- rewatching the series and getting completely confused bc norma is 5′7″ but she looks so short next to colin and the guy who plays latham

- AND RACHEL IS ALSO 5′ 7″ BUT THEY BOTH LOOK SO SHORT - WHY EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW SO TALL

- anyway. ignore that that’s not important

- I... the parallels btwn sarah offering this guy the ability to slit her throat (for therapy) and ava cutting her throat... i don’t know what to do with this information

- idk but sarah holding the knife got me feelin some type of way

- the way connor looks at ava with such contempt bc she... does her job (and his but yk) especially during the hug wtf dude honestly just stop looking at her

- this is also the episode where ava pawns off the patient’s hug onto connor. while yeah, it could ava just being annoying to connor by forcing him to hug his one night stand’s husband, but she did give connor due credit. (and something to be said about her being confused and a tad uncomfortable when the patient hugs her, which is why she pawns it off to rhodes)

- she also doesn’t hug the guy back, which is kind of funny, she never moves her arms and just shrugs out of it

- and like after the hug she takes a few steps away from the guy, really not wanting any more physical contact or attention

- there’s something interesting in ava’s expression when connor gets hugged by the guy, can’t quite explain it. i’m gonna go with it’s her trying to keep a straight face while connor hugs a man he just helped a woman cheat on, but that’s not all of it so

- or. okay, I think i got it. i think that that little expression when connor gets hugged is her rolling her eyes at him getting credit when ava did most of the heavy lifting. yes. final answer. i’m satisfied

- and her looking away from them is her stopping herself from laughing, bc connor is obviously not enjoying this

- and he’s so sad and angsty he can’t even play along with the jokes

- and ava smiling at him with pity as she walks in to talk to the patient, bc that’s really what it is. she feels bad for him bc connor is so obviously lonely

- and connor’s annoyed bc ‘dammit she does have a right to pity me i suck rn’

- med pushing the women are tough agenda LITERALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP

- you hate your women characters so much just fucking shut your mouth

- and will being like ‘ i have a lot to learn about women not being objects’

- and nat saying ‘you are way further along than most’ like no, he’s not. the bar is on the ground and he still can’t jump it

- i’m pretty sure this show doesn’t pass the bechdel test. holy fucking shit it doesn’t. you’ve gotta be kidding me. (at least this episode doesn’t)

I can’t believe this episode didn’t pass the bechdel test. The only convo btwn two women were like maggie and sharon and they talk about barry and oh my god this is infuriating god med the bar is so low. And I’m pretty sure most episodes don’t pass the test anyway. Will is literally the representation of med. He gets lots of credit for doing bare minimum things like giving women rights.

Anyway.

This was a good episode. We dissected a lot of unspoken Ava things, which is very good. Ava had a lot of moments where she was there, but didn’t say anything, and when your characters can do that, that’s when you know your characterization is very good.

The moments where Ava isn’t really doing anything to forward the plot of the episode but she’s still just there, doing her own thing, are hands down my favorite. Her sitting at the desk looking at a scan while connor tells latham he didn’t do cocaine could possibly my favorite ava moment in the series, just bc it shows how much of her own character should could’ve been.

I drew an interesting parallel btwn sarah offering the guy to slit her throat and ava’s death. i have nothing for that but go wild

This episode also showed us Ava pitying Connor, another new aspect. she gives him shit but she also pities him. very good ep for little ava moments

as always, thanks for sticking through it

-

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[heedra]

OK ITS FINALLY EXALTED SECRET SANTA JOURNAL TIME

@ my secret santa: i am so so so sorry for the ref delay. you already deserve sainthood in advance for dealing with it. without further ado here they are, two of my favorite bastards

Daia Shan- Serenity Caste Sidereal

Once just a troublesome junior bureaucrat in the halls of Yu-Shan, Daia truly gained infamy upon her selection to accompany a strike team of Exalted heroes on a mission into the depths of the worldbody of the Yozi Oramus, and her subsequent escape and return from that impossible prison, nearly a thousand years later. The experience left her profoundly changed; even now, the spite of Oramus hangs like a mantle around Daia, ensuring that the waking world she fought so hard to return to will never feel like anything more than a dream. And then, of course, there is the matter of the power she took from the Sevenfold Peacock willingly… and how that power might be changing her still.

Daia is a somewhat petite woman, belying an athletic build. She is ethnically from the Blessed Isle, with dark grey hair that she prefers to wear up, usually in a bun or a knot. Her face, which she tries but fails to keep free of stress and worry lines, is usually found bearing a smirk or an expression of dangerous faux-politeness. Her eyes bear the iconic starry blue of the Serenities caste, but are also shot through with bands of a strange prismatic iridescence. She bears a large pair of bull horns atop her head, a mutation received during her time inside the Worldbody. The nature of the power bequeathed to her by Oramus is such, though, that her very nature is beginning to blur around the edges, and it is not unusual for her day-to-day appearance to fluctuate strangely as mutations come and go like glitches. She is a bit of a fashionista, favoring blues, dramatic and sharp femme looks (she avoids ruffles and prefers sleeker outfits), and jewelry of all sorts (a lot of it). She rarely wears the same exact outfit twice, so do not feel obligated to stick to the reference- you can get creative! She wears makeup, but prefers cool colors and an understated application.

Daia’s most important accessory is her longfang, the Sevenfold Peacock’s Tailfeather. Forged from starmetal, orichalcum, and a crystalline shard of Oramic essence, the weapon contains knowledge of every martial arts technique known by every user to have ever wielded it, and seems to hunger for more to the point where its obsession has bled over into Daia herself. Even more potently, it bears deep within its core the secret to a martial art concocted by the Dragon of Not himself, whose charms grant the power to ignore the limits of impossibility at the cost of making the wielder more and more alien to the waking world. It is a temptation that Daia has drunk deep of, despite all signs pointing to that being a very bad idea. Daia sees the spear as a trophy stolen from her greatest nemesis, but it’s very possible the Yozi himself sees it as a clever snare for hubristic Sidereals. The blade of the weapon is prismatic crystal that resembles a jagged bird’s beak, the pole is jet black starmetal shot through with an orichalcum starmap of constellations, and the orichalcum pommel is fashioned to look like seven golden peacock feathers woven together into a sphere.

While her exaltation may brand Daia a chosen of the Maidens, the elder Sid is a loose cannon, an agent of Heaven in only the most general of terms. She is mercurial, theatrical, fond of causing petty chaos, and utterly disinterested in the politics of the Bureau, unless there is way for her to stir up drama. She has tendency to get ahead of herself with her schemes, and the vast majority of her ‘downfalls’ can be traced back to her own hubris. Beneath all that, she is a lonely woman who feels adrift in a world that no longer feels real to her. She’s a terrible flirt, a huge showoff (especially where martial arts are involved) and has a weak spot for dangerous women. She’s Creation’s wildest and worst gay aunt.

Side Note: Daia is partially deaf, due to an old and potent supernatural injury. She employs the use of what magic/technology she can to aid her, but relies as well on sign language and interpreters. She’s very used to it at this point.

here’s the link to a better-resolution version of this image bc tumblr kinda fuckt it

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Avenging Phoenix- Dawn Caste Solar (Formerly Ravenous Vulture Picks Clean the Bones of Creation, Dusk Caste Abyssal)

Orphaned at an early age, Phoenix was adopted by a Guild mercenary and raised as such. He spent his later mortal life as a city guard captain in Thorns, where he exalted during the fateful siege itself, disillusionment and rage at the circumstances of his death making him an easy recruit for the Mask. His path has weaved far and wide since then, a slow painful crawl from rebellion to eventual redemption; a journey that ultimately gave him a place among the saviors of Creation. Along the way, he played a role in liberating a group of orphaned children from the clutches of the Dowager, and now finds himself settling into the role of an adoptive dad to them, hanging up his metaphorical (and literal) axe and trying to live a gentler life. It’s not always easy. Violence and trauma etched in that deep doesn’t just smooth out perfectly over time. On top of that, he has impostor’s syndrome when it comes to his redemption by the Sun, and still feels uncomfortable thinking of himself as a peer to the other members of the Solar Host. Still, as long as his soul is on this side of Lethe, he is determined to fight against the Void- not because he considers himself antithesis to it, but because he has known it and survived it. And while some days it’s hard to know how to separate that fight from the taste of blood, other days it feels like, maybe, fighting against the void can be planting sunflowers for your children on a sunny spring afternoon.

Phoenix is of Western descent, very short, fat, and beefy, with warm brown skin and a round, open face.  He keeps his burgundy hair closely shaved, not fond of dealing with the mess of wavy curls it becomes when allowed to grow out. His eyes are dark brown, almost black, the outside of the iris rimmed with the faintest edge of golden yellow. His nose looks like it has been broken multiple times in the past, and never properly healed. Due to unfortunate wyld misadventures his tongue has been mutated to resemble and function like that of a frog’s, though this is only really apparent when he opens his mouth to use the damn thing. Frogs and toads are a definite motif for him in general- small, grumpy-looking, and round as they are.

Phoenix’s casual clothes tend to be simple, comfortable, loose, and in sharp contrast to his prickly combat garb. He enjoys floral patterns, and the color pink. He’s got a very ‘open hawaiian shirt and flip flops dad’ vibe, basically. He does not dress fancily unless pressed to for big occasions, and in those cases usually grudgingly follows the fashion direction of the one twisting his arm. When he’s on actual exalt business, he’s most frequently found wearing his armor; black jade full plate embellished with cruel-looking spikes, and occasionally a shaggy grey fur cloak made from the pelt of some hunting trophy. A horned skull helm, made from the skull of a nephwrack’s war-body, often completes this ensemble. The helmet is a minor artifact: when worn, it causes his eyes to glow balefully behind its sockets and makes his voice gravelly with deathly menace. He is reluctant to take it off unless he feels at ease in a situation.

Phoenix is somewhat bumbling and gruffly soft-spoken, with tendency to look more tired than he feels. Beneath this is a talent for strategic leadership and a stoic determination that gets fiercer as the going gets tougher. On the battlefield, he is utterly terrifying when he needs to be, but would much prefer to be at home in his garden than on a battlefield these days.

His anima banner starts as burst of gold-and crimson fire that solidifies into the form of a fierce and predatory-looking phoenix, with aspects of a garda bird and a lammergeier both. It moves as he does across the battlefield, swooping and rising with each swing of his axe, its fierce eyes focused on his prey. Additional refs:

what he looked like as an abyssal | his grand grimcleaver looks like this except made outta fiery golden light | rough sketch of his skull helmet

[theshelbyslimited]

i did not mean for this to turn into a whole commentary but it did so w/o my realization until i'd fully completed reading the fic again so apologizes for how long this is 🙈

“There was just something about them that drew you in like a moth to a flame.” This line regarding the family is so true bc there really is just something about them that keeps one so intoxicated and enamoured w them 🥺

“You had let yourself get your hopes up more and more, having fallen deeper and deeper in love with him.  But like all good things, it had come to an end.  He no longer came to visit you, he was back to being his cold and distant self.” This part is so painful, yet it speaks so truthfully of Tommy’s character; to allow himself to be vulnerable and open w someone, only to detach himself from them and go back to acting as if they’re simply strangers again😔

“All I am saying is that I know what it is like to keep everyone shut out.  It keeps you unpredictable and dangerous, yes, but it also keeps you lonely.  It is incredibly hard not having anyone to rely on.  And you do, Tommy.  If you would only let them in.” this whole conversation is written so brilliantly, and I wish I possessed the right words to truly articulate how much I love and appreciate it. I also love Y/N for being honest w Tommy, rather than telling him what he’d ‘like’ to hear 🙌🏾

“Because I want you to be safe and I will sleep better seeing you safe at home and not just assuming.” I mean, this man can be so caring when he wants to be 🥺

“Because I tried to get you from my mind.  I don’t want to care about you.  I wanted to get you out of my head and tried to ignore you in hopes I could forget you.  But I couldn't.” AKAJSJLAJ FINALLY!!! THE CONFESSION I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR 😭🙌🏾

“I am not too sure Tommy cares what I do at the moment.  As long as I am not hanging out with any Italians, I don’t cross his mind.” Poor Y/N, Tommy really is such a hot/cold person that I can imagine one would often feel ‘neglected’ when it comes to a relationship with him 😔

“I loved you, you know.  I have since before you ever walked me home that night.  I loved you through the death of Vincente, the death of John, all of it.  And I would have loved you forever if only you would have let me.” THE HEARTBREAK 😭 FUCK YOU TOMMY😭

“No Tommy, I loved being involved with you, when you let me in.  I loved when you would tell me your plans, but now you can’t stand to be in the same room, even now you are agitated and you know that I know you well enough to pick up on it.  So to save you from my presence which clearly agitates you to no end, you either tell me what you got planned or again, you can just fuck off.” THAT’S A GIRL, GO OFF MISS Y/N!!! 🙌🏾 this conversation is making me realize how disconnected and out of touch Tommy seems to be though, the fact he didn’t even realize how much hurt and pain he was inflicting on Y/N with his cold shoulder 🙈

“I know that something is going on, something you refuse to tell me.  I accept that you will never want me as close to you as I want to be, and I know that you need me here for some reason.  And I will always help you, I will be here and play whatever part I am supposed to play, but please.”  “Whatever you want to say, don’t.  I can barely survive now and I don’t know if I can even make it through the night.  I am putting on a smile and doing whatever female bull shit you need me to, but if I have to hear anything else I will break.  I can’t do it, I am not as strong as you think I am.  I can’t hear how you feel bad, love me, or worse, you don’t have any sweet nothings to say to me, just business as always.  I can’t bear it.” I JUST WANT TO HUG POOR Y/N HONESTLY, my heart hurts so bad for her 😭

“Sorry love, but I did tell Tommy to at least tell you that he didn’t mean to break your heart and that it was all planned and-” UMM…WHAT?!??!?!

“No more fucking around.  I love you with all of my heart Y/N.  I only broke your heart because Changretta threatened you.  Believe me when I did my best to ensure you were safe but there were a lot of things going on.  He wanted me to hurt you or he would.  And I knew he could do it.  I haven’t been that out of control and he knew exactly how to get to me.  The only way to keep you safe was to make you believe I didn’t love you anymore.  It killed me to do it.  I hate myself every second of every day for it but it was the only way.  I am so sorry.” OH. well, I take by all the words I said regarding Tommy being trash (although he can be such a dick sometimes let’s be honest) 🤭

“But I was neither, not really.  He didn’t have to kill me.  You did” I’m empathize w Y/N so much bc although Tommy technically broke her heart for a ‘good’ reason, to not inform of why you had to do so beforehand obviously had her thinking that he was doing it bc he was genuinely falling out of love with her 😭

“You say you will change, but you say that each time. You go back to old habits once another threat is made known.  And there are a lot of threats. You don’t let anyone in, you never did and I think you never will.  If you love me, treat me like it. You tell everyone, even Finn who is too young, but you won’t, you can’t, let me in.  Maybe we are better off apart.” I hate how much I understand Y/N’s perspective here bc someone can only promise that they’ll change so many times w/o doing so before you just inevitably give up hope on it happening 😭

“Here’s the thing, Tommy. I love you with every fiber of my being. That will never change. But I can’t, I won’t do that again. I deserve better.” DAMN RIGHT YOU DESERVE BETTER 🙌🏾

“You tell me everything I want to know.  You cannot leave anything out.  You will start trusting me with the business.  You are not protecting me by keeping it from me.  I am your partner.  We are in this together.  I know it is hard for you, but this is the real deal, it’s you and me, not just you.  As soon as you decide no longer, then that is it.  And I mean it.” “Deal.  Whatever you want.  I will do better, I can do better, and you deserve everything.” YOU GODDAMN BETTER SIR OR I WILL BE CUTTING YOU A SMILE 😡🤣

This fic had me going through all the emotions, I felt so much of Y/N’s pain throughout and although I’m glad things worked out for her and Tommy in the end, our girl still deserves better!!! This was so brilliantly written though and you had me feeling all the heartache of the fic through the words of it. I loved Y/N and Lizzie’s friendship so much, not only bc they obviously had similarities in life but bc their personalities just meshed together so well. Such an amazing fic this was with the right amount of both fluff and angst 🙌🏾

Hi!! I thought up my request (I think I’m pretty bad at these things, so you’ll have to bear with me haha 😅)

Would you be able to write a Tommy x reader where the reader lives in Small Heath during the time of the vendetta with the Italians and she somehow gets mixed up with both him and it (it being the duel between the two families)

If you don’t feel comfortable with this, I 100% understand...I just wanted to give it a shot, as you’re an amazing writer. Thanks so much in advance if you decide to take it on! ☺️💕

Hi Love!

     I am SO sorry for how long this took!  I wanted to make sure it was somewhat decent, and it took me awhile to write it.  No excuse except that I have been crazy busy!  But who isn’t?

Anyway, here it is, I hope it was worth the wait!  Thank you so much for the request I enjoyed writing for Tommy more than I thought I would!  Hopefully this is what you wanted!

taglist: @lyarr24 @epicwaterlemon

Stronger Together

     You had lived in Small Heath your whole life so it is no surprise the Shelby name was all around you.  You even were able to step up in the world by taking over Grace’s spot in the Garrison once that situation occurred.  But before then you had not been doing well, taking odd jobs here and there; anything to prevent becoming what your mother and best friend Lizzie were.  It was hard but you had managed it.  You knew Lizzie since you were little, your mothers being ‘colleagues’ and you were there when she warmed Tommy’s bed, when John proposed, and when Tommy ruined that.  You hadn’t met any Shelby’s personally, trying to stay low on any radar, but since you decided it was a good idea to become the next Grace in the Garrison, you had immediately met everyone and somehow managed to stay on payroll.  You had tried to keep your past a secret but the Shelbys being who they are and especially coming off the Grace fiasco you knew they must know who, what, your mother was before she died.  They were nice enough not to bring it up and you never offered.  For all the Shelby’s were, you appreciated that they didn’t judge a person based on their past. In fact it had been Lizzie who encouraged you to take the job, having stayed close to the Shelbys.  She was the one who had told you Grace tried to reach out and Tommy wanting nothing to do with her.  He couldn’t trust her and trust was the most important thing.  It was the number one rule that made the company work.  

      You had gotten to know Arthur and John well, Esme feeling like she could talk to you openly too which you appreciated.  You had killed Polly with kindness and she eventually trusted you.  It didn’t hurt that she was the first person you personally told your story to.  With her hating Grace you knew it was best to come clean.  Women are underestimated in what they can do and you knew if anyone were to find out it would be her.  So you decided to beat her to it and sat her down one day and told her without apology, your background.  You knew she respected you for it and from then on you knew she liked you and was on your side.  You had managed to become almost as close as Lizzie to everyone, but it wasn’t hard when you poured the booze.  However, Tommy was always distant.  You took it personally until you realized you really were the new Grace and figured out that he was hesitant to trust anyone.  You knew he trusted you enough to work there but you resigned yourself to the fact that you would never be close.  It was okay with you since you really had no intention of being more of anything with him.  Sure he was attractive, smart, loyal to a fault, and sexy as hell, but it didn’t matter if he somehow always managed to never leave your mind no matter how hard you tried you knew you never stood a chance.  Lizzie had said she was over him and you knew her well enough to know whatever history they had, they were just friends and nothing more.  So on those lonely nights when Tommy took over your mind, you knew she would never add to the endless reasons why it would never work out between you two.  Little did you know that he noticed you more than you thought…

     The Russians had come into town and being in a prime position in the Garrison, you had heard a lot of information that no one would assume you would hear.  The first time you had heard more about the priest you had told Polly one night when she was around, waiting for the boys to finally finish their business as it was brothers talking and nothing she wanted to be a part of.  You had subtly given the information to her and she had told Tommy.  You knew they appreciated the information and you became more bold in your telling them information.  No one had asked it of you, and you didn’t know if it was because they didn’t want to involve you, they didn’t trust you, or you had kept yourself so far off the radar but it didn’t matter.  You knew that you could trust them and that for all their faults they really tried to do the best they could.  Especially with their legitimate business being successful at this point.  There was just something about them that drew you in like a moth to a flame.  

     After a while you had gotten really good at passing information and a good system was in place, though you hardly ever gave information to Tommy.  It was usually to John or Arthur and they passed it on.  But they also frequented the Garrison more than their brother yet he was the one you looked forward to seeing.  You knew Tommy was standoffish and didn’t let many people in, but that changed when you were the one who somehow, by some gypsy miracle, that Tommy had ended up in the hospital. You knew something was off and you didn’t know what but you knew you had to make sure Tommy was okay.  You knew he lived recklessly and ultimately it would be his undoing but devil be damned, you wouldn’t let him die and you found him in the hospital.  That was the day it all changed between you.  He was so vulnerable and he needed you and you would die before you abandoned him.  You helped him get home and though not much was said, at least on his side, you mostly saying as many comforting words as you could, you knew something had shifted.  You were now on Thomas Shelby's radar and nothing would change that.  And that was okay.

      Once the Russian business was concluded, Tommy was still reckless but he would come visit the Garrison more often, and he even would have conversations with you.  They started off stiff and cold, but slowly they became warm and you realized that it was no longer your imagination; Tommy sought you out and seemed much more vulnerable around you.  Maybe it was because you practically saved his life getting him out of the hospital, but you assumed he would shut you out again.  But the opposite happened and you lived for the nights he would talk to you or have you join him and him alone in the private room to just talk.  He eventually told you about his mother and father, how France had changed him, and how truly hard this job was for him.  He didn’t always say things explicitly but you learned to speak his language and understood everything he wasn’t saying.  You had let yourself get your hopes up more and more, having fallen deeper and deeper in love with him.  But like all good things, it had come to an end.  He no longer came to visit you, he was back to being his cold and distant self.  It hurt and you wanted to know why, but Polly just said that is how he is and that it wasn’t anything you had done and he would wise up soon.  But you couldn’t tell if she was saying that for your sake or for hers.  But you tried not to let it affect you.  You were a survivor and with or without Tommy, you had to take care of yourself.  So you focused on Lizzie and her new relationship.

     “Hi Lizzie, how are you?”  You had met her outside the betting shop where she helped Tommy work as a secretary, he still liked to be there where his roots were.

“Hi Y/N”  She smiled at you.

“And what has got you smiling so much?”  You teased her, knowing exactly what, or who, it was.

“Oh shut it.”  She blushed.

“Going to meet your new man?”

“And what of it?”  She said, teasingly defensive.

“I bet he is just an Angel, making you smile like a girl in love.”  She laughed at your joke.

“An Angel he is.  But I have to say, he is different than I expected.  He is kind to me, and really cares what I have to say.  He doesn’t care about my previous employment..” She trailed off.  You both understood the stigma, her even more so.

“And he shouldn’t”  You said firmly.  “Besides, he probably cares more about your current employment.  Lizzie I am so happy for you, you know that but a Changretta?  And working for the blinders?  It’s a dangerous game.  You can’t play both sides.”

“I am not playing anyone.”  She got defensive.  “I am loyal to Tommy but I like Angel.”

“I am not trying to cause problems here Lizzie, truly, but at some point you are going to have to choose sides.  Are you prepared for that?”  She paused.  “I love you Lizzie, you are like a sister to me, I just want you to be smart and more importantly safe.  I can’t help it, you know how us brothel girls have to stick together.”  She gave you a pained smile.  That was a derogatory term you’d heard countless times but it became a phrase of strength for you both.  It was your past and you did what you had to survive. It meant you were strong.  You wished her luck and let her go meet Angel.  You walked inside almost running into Tommy coming out of his office.

“Y/N, come in.”  He turned back into his office and you knew it was a command.  You fought the urge to roll your eyes.  He was always so intense and you didn’t understand why he never seemed to like you.

“What can I do for you?”  You asked as nicely as possible.  He had sat down and kept eye contact.

“You can tell me where your friend is going.”  You snapped your head.

“Your EMPLOYEE left for the day.  What she does after work is her business.”  You emphasized, your internalized reaction was to protect her.   He didn’t react, just stared at you.

“This isn’t like other businesses.  Just because you leave work doesn’t mean you are off duty.” 

“I know that well.”  You kept his glare.  You didn’t want to be intimidated by this man.  You knew where he was coming from but you weren’t going to make it easy.  He could pretend to have more tact.

“I know you do.”  You were surprised at his admission and apparently you showed it because he smirked and went to light a cigarette. 

“You do?”  You tried to keep the surprise out of your voice.

“Yes, Y/N.”  He sighed.  “I know you are responsible for a lot of information we receive.  And I am thankful for it.”  Now you were really surprised.

“Interesting.”  You said and folded your arms.  “You have quite the way of showing it.”  His lip curled almost imperceptibly.

“I am not a man who has his heart on his sleeves.  If you want that you should go to my brother John.  Or Arthur for that matter.”  It was your turn to smirk.

“Don’t I know it.  But you should know Tommy, a little sincerity goes a long way.”  He turned his head slightly.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I am sure you will.  Then it will quickly leave and you won’t change.”

“Am I so bad how I am?”  You knew he was asking more than this and you knew you could be honest.  Besides, honesty is always best and when would you have another chance?

“No, Tommy, you are not.  In fact I am sure it helps your cause, never showing what you are thinking, always being one step ahead of everyone, never letting anyone get close.  Believe me if anyone understands, I do.”  He just kept looking at you with those beautiful blue eyes.

“But,” and with the word he took another drag from his cigarette. “Just because it works, doesn’t mean it is the best.  Maybe it works for your cause, but does it work for you?”  He slightly squinted his eyes.  You hadn’t realized how subtle his reactions were but they told more than any expressive motion could.

“All I am saying is that I know what it is like to keep everyone shut out.  It keeps you unpredictable and dangerous, yes, but it also keeps you lonely.  It is incredibly hard not having anyone to rely on.  And you do, Tommy.  If you would only let them in.”  You didn’t know if you had said too much and he was silent for longer than you would have liked.

“And who do you suggest I open up to?”  He asked in a way that was supposed to sound sarcastic but you had heard him talk enough to know he was also wanting an answer.

“Your brothers, but you don’t open up to them because you don’t think they understand you because they are so different.  And maybe they won’t get everything but you don’t have to tell them everything just what they can help you with.  There is Polly, who understands you more than you think, but you don’t let her in either for whatever reason.  You don’t want to open up to your family?  Fine.  Find a nice girl and fall in love.  She could help you carry your burden and believe it or not help you focus.  Love is not weakness, it is strength.”

“It seems I am not as elusive as you say I am.”

“Not as elusive as you want to be.”  You corrected him.  “And you are to most, and though you hate it, I know you better than you think. You don’t really like me, but I am loyal so unfortunately it is in your better interest to keep me around.”   You didn’t really want to hear him agree to that and with the unfamiliar camaraderie going on, you got up to leave and he let you. When you got to the door you turned to face him.  “And you know exactly where Lizzie is, so whatever test it was to ask me, know that I I know I passed.  She is my friend but you know I am loyal to you.  Frankly it hurts a little to still need to prove myself.”  And with that you turned and shut the door confidently.  You could almost feel his eyes boring into you but you didn’t care.  You had said your piece and you weren’t sorry.  He asked and he could do whatever he wanted with that information.  You had better things to do, namely go to work with the nicer and older Shelby, though he may not be the one you wanted.

     The night had gone how you had expected, the men came in after a long day at a hard job, got too drunk, spilled their secrets, and you took in whatever information might be helpful, trying to sort it to tell Polly later.  You could tell Arthur but God love him, he wouldn’t remember everything and what he did remember he wouldn’t be shrewd enough to piece together.  That was one of the appealing qualities about his younger brother.  He was so incredibly smart, beyond his class yet he was smarter than most in positions of power.  Yet he never made anyone feel ridiculous for not knowing, unless that was part of his tactic for destroying an enemy.  Underneath everything, you could tell he had a big heart though he never let anyone see it.

“How ya doing love?”  Arthur had asked you at some point in the night.

“I’m good, thanks Arthur.  How are you doing?”  You asked as you wiped down the counter when it was no longer occupied.

“I’m fantastic!”  He practically shouted, as he wiped his nose.  You knew he was using, but you didn’t say anything.  It wasn’t your place and you knew Tommy would come in soon and probably have words.

“Always glad to hear it!”  You responded enthusiastically, to which he just laughed and walked into the annex room.

     Not long after that the man of the hour walked in.  Your back was to the door but somehow you had sensed him.  You turned around in time to see the man lean onto the bar.

“Arthur is waiting for you.”   You had said.

“I know.”  Was all he responded.

“I’ll bring you whiskey in a moment.”  You told him.  He nodded but stayed.

“Can I get you anything else?”  You weren’t sure what else you could do but you hated the thought that he would leave soon.  He waited a moment before responding, giving you a chance to continue to get lost in his blue eyes.

“Just bring the whiskey when you have a moment.”  With that he turned and left.

 You had waited about five minutes at most, knowing not to keep the Shelbys waiting.  You said nothing as you put the bottle down with glasses enough to go around.  

“Thanks love” Arthur said, immediately grabbing the bottle.  You just smiled at him knowing you shouldn’t respond.

“Stay.”  Your head jerked to Tommy. “Sit.”  He got up to let you in the booth to sit next to him.  You had no idea why he wanted you to stay and were more surprised he would get up to let you in.  He never did that, not even for family.  You just did as he said, though you didn’t like feeling commanded like a dog.

The conversation continued, with business being brought up only now and then.  Tommy hadn’t said much, but you were painfully aware how close he was, since the booth was filled with the other Shelby boys. You leaned toward him.

“I don’t have much information that would be useful to you.”  He showed no emotion, just looked at you.  Your faces were very close and your breath hitched.  He noticed, eyes flickering to your mouth.

“That’s alright.”  He said, voice low.  You shook your head thoughtfully.

“I just didn’t know if that was why you wanted me in here.”  You ventured.  He looked at you thoughtfully.

“It wasn’t.”  Was all he said, gauging your reaction.

“Then why did you want me here?”  He seemed to think over his answer.

“Glad you could join us!”  John interrupted, forcing you to break eye contact.  You felt Tommy move away slightly and you hated that.  Hating yourself for hating it.

“Of course John, I know how much you love me!”  You teased.  He laughed, already long since drunk before you came.

“It’s true, so why don’t you get over here and sit by the best of Shelby men?”  He barked, Arthur punched him as best he could sitting next to him and you noticed Tommy stiffen.  You didn’t have time to wonder.

“Yeah right, we all know she loves me the bes!t”  Arthur told his younger brother.  Tommy casually moved closer, subtle enough so the boys didn’t pick up on it but you noticed.  Especially when his knee touched yours.  It lit your soul on fire and when he slung his arm behind your seat you wanted to melt.  You tried not to think into it but it was hard when you were so close.  Your hand was on your lap, practically touching his leg and your eyes widened when you felt his hand touch your pinky.  You had to remember to breathe.  What was he doing?  Out of the corner of your eye you knew he wasn’t looking at you so you didn’t look at him.

“What makes you think I love you at all?”  You addressed the two.  You saw Tommy smirk and he definitely grabbed your hand so you knew it wasn’t a mistake he touched you.  You froze but then you held it back.  You relaxed into him subtly.

“Oh you wound me!”  John fell against the seat.

“Told you she wouldn’t love an idiot like you!”  Arthur told him.  They then entered into their own conversation and you were allowed to focus on Tommy.  Your hands were playing with each other and you ventured to look at him. He was looking at you and you would have sold your soul to figure out what he was thinking at that moment.  He just kept staring at you, then held your hand tightly.  You just squeezed back, unspoken words hung between you.  

      After some time you knew it was getting late and that you would have to go home soon.  Tommy eventually had let go of your hand and replaced it with the glass of whiskey.  You figured this was the time to say something.  Arthur and John were piss drunk as they usually were about this time.

“I hate to leave the party, but I should go home.”  You said mostly to Tommy as he was the only one still sober enough to hear anything.  Without missing a beat,

“I will take you.”  He said and made to get up.  You were surprised but quickly masked your face and followed him.  You knew better than to disagree even though you didn't want to.  Arthur and John had half waved and you knew they wouldn’t leave for a while, needing to sober up first.  Tommy held the door for you, and you walked out.  

     You fell into silence but he stayed very close to you.  You tried to write it off as him making sure you were safe, but you couldn’t help but hope it meant more.  He lit a cigarette and you realized you found him more attractive with the confident action.

“Thank you for walking me home, you didn’t have to.”  You wanted to talk to him and thought that was a good start.

He exhaled smoke.  “Of course I did.  Couldn't have you walking home alone.”

“I suppose.”  You murmured.  So maybe it wasn’t as gallant a gesture as you hoped.  “But YOU didn’t have to, you could have found anyone to do it.”  You tried without sounding too pushy.

“I wouldn’t trust anyone else.”

“Why is that?”  You turned to look at him.  He just sighed and threw his cigarette.

“Because I want you to be safe and I will sleep better seeing you safe at home and not just assuming.”  

“I didn’t realize Tommy Shelby cared about me so much.”  You tried to tease.  You wanted to seem casual, trying to hide how your heart sped up at the idea that he thought about you.

“And that is so surprising?”  He turned to look at you.  You nearly faltered in your step and turned to look at the street ahead.

“I guess I just didn’t think you gave me much thought.”

“Why is that?”  He questioned in a way that made it seem like he knew the answer.  He always knew the answer to questions he asked it seems.

“Because you hardly acknowledge me and when you do it is mostly for business.  Never for…pleasure.”  You knew what it could imply but couldn’t think of a better word.  “I consider your brothers as friends but you…” You trailed off.

“And what do you consider me?”  He pressed.  It was your turn to sigh.

“I consider you a man I want to figure out.  You intrigue me, Tommy.  And I don’t know where I stand with you.”  You had reached your door by this time, and you unlocked the door but turned to face him before stepping inside.

“You want to know where we stand?”  He asked, voice husky and low, stepping impossibly close.  Your breath hitched and he had trapped you against the door.  “This is where we stand.”  With that his mouth was on yours, hungry, yearning, desperate.  You were shocked at what was happening but when you came to, you quickly responded.  You put your arms around his neck, combing your hands through his hair, relishing the stubbly hair on the side of his head. You pulled him close, and his hands were all over your body.  The kiss was passionate, trying to say what words could not.  Eventually you had to part, panting, trying to catch your breaths.

“What was that?”  You managed to ask.  He still held you close, mouth still inches away.

“That was me telling you what you do to me.  I can’t fucking think when you are around.  When you aren't, all I can focus on is where you are, what you are doing, who you are with.”  He subconsciously tightened his hold at the last part.

“But Tommy, you have never given me a reason to think you care about me.”  He sighed and stroked your cheek pulling away slightly.  You mourned the loss.

“Because I tried to get you from my mind.  I don’t want to care about you.  I wanted to get you out of my head and tried to ignore you in hopes I could forget you.  But I couldn't.”

“You have no idea what that means.  I tried to tell myself you hated me, wanted nothing to do with me.  I wanted that to make me lose feelings for you, but the truth is Tommy, I care about you.”  You dare say you loved him but now isn't the time for that confession.

“And I care about you.  Which is dangerous.  You are much safer if we aren’t together.”  You finally saw a glimpse of the war inside Tommy Shelby.  He finally opened up enough to catch a coveted glimpse of his brilliant and devastating mind.

“I disagree.  The safest place I could be is right here.  In your arms.  Where I belong.”  You said, hoping he would understand how truly you meant those words.  He relaxed and pulled you closer.

“I can’t fight this anymore.  You are mine, Y/N.”  He said in his strong and possessive voice.  You cupped his cheek, causing him to look in your eyes.

“I always have been.”  With that he pulled you into another passionate kiss.

     A lot had happened since that night.  You and Tommy spent more time together, and though it was never officially stated, everyone knew you were together.  He would always refer to you as his, his girl, love, etc.  The family teased you both and though it caused you to blush, you loved it.  You loved being Tommy Shelby’s.  It was a wonderful time, a nice bubble.  Until it popped.  Tommy had ended Lizzie’s relationship with Angel and she hated him for it.  She hated you too for a time since you were with Tommy and you supported his decision.  Eventually she came around, understanding that she could no longer walk the line between the Italians and the Peaky Blinders.  War had erupted and you had naively thought it ended when Arthur shot Vincente Changretta, but then Luca came into tow, killing John.  That had changed everything.  Everyone had mourned, but Tommy took it the hardest even though Arthur was closer to John.  But Arthur mourned while Tommy took that anger and grief and used it to fuel his fire for revenge.  He pulled away from you which hurt.  You were always able to calm him down and even Polly had said you were the only one to talk sense to him.  But even you had lost that power.  You were no longer his relief.  It hurt, but since you loved him, you would have been okay with it if he found some relief somehow.  But he never did.  He was spiraling and losing the war and everyone knew it.

     You had tried to talk to Polly countless times about what to do but she was just as clueless as to what you could do.  Eventually you knew it would be up to Tommy to pull through.  Little did you know he wasn’t going to do so anytime soon.  He had not been as open to anyone, and he had gotten into it with Polly on more than one occasion.  He had pulled away, and when John died, your relationship was all but non-existent.  You had tried to talk to him but he kept pushing you away.  When Luca Changretta had come to town, Tommy had you move into his house.  You had practically lived there when your relationship was doing well, but now it was official, for now.  You wouldn’t have minded if it had come about when you and Tommy were in a good place, but you weren’t and what made it worse was that he asked you, no told you, to move in for protection - not because he wanted you there.  At least he never said he did; you still loved him and had almost told him on many occasions, but it never seemed like the right time.  You didn’t know if that was good or bad that you hadn’t made the confession given this tumultuous time.

     John’s funeral had come and gone, and you were just as livid as Polly that Tommy used it as a stunt to pull against the Italians.  Even Lizzie was upset about it.  You knew she deeply cared about John, and knew every detail from her side of their history.  Something had shifted in Tommy, and you knew he would never be the same.  You and your mother had your own history but you were still heartbroken at the loss.  You had tried one night to get Tommy to open up to you, but he had shaken you off like he did every other night.  You didn’t want to think he didn’t care about you anymore but you weren’t sure he still loved you.  He had never told you his true feelings but you hadn’t needed him to.  He showed you every day.  Whether it was making sure you were safe, buying you gifts, spending time with you, you knew he did.  But things had changed and you knew he cared, otherwise he wouldn’t have you at the house but love?  You would need him to tell you.  What terrified you was you didn’t know if he would.

     In the meantime you had gotten to know the Gold’s and you were around for Bonnie’s training.  Arthur would spar with him every so often and you enjoyed watching.

“Looking good kid.  You will be the champion one day, there’s no doubt.”  Arthur had said after one match.

“Thanks, old man.”  Bonnie grinned.  After Arthur’s obligatory threatening of anyone knew, he and Bonnie had gotten on.  Especially when Aberama wasn’t lurking.  He cared deeply for his son and was bordering on too much control over him, but you couldn’t fault him; you would have loved to have a father like that.

“Careful, he might take you down out of spite.”  You teased, handing them both a towel.

“Nah, I would never let that happen.  Maybe once, so his pride isn’t too wounded”  Bonnie teased Arthur.

“Careful, you aren’t as good as you think.”

“I am when I have a good cheering section.”  He acknowledged you.

“Happy to help.  You are doing well, just watch your left.”  You commented.  They chuckled.

“Guess you have been hanging out around us too long, you are learning something.”  Arthur turned his teasing to you.

“What else should I do, except cheer on my boys?”  You teased back.

“Careful, Tommy won’t like that.  He is a jealous man.”  Arthur was only half joking and Bonnie grew somber.

“I am not too sure Tommy cares what I do at the moment.  As long as I am not hanging out with any Italians, I don’t cross his mind.”  You  tried to keep the bitterness out of your voice.  This had been apparent to you for a while.

At that moment, Arthur and Bonnie both looked behind you.  “Careful love, or you’ll end up in the ring.” Arthur whispered for only you to hear.  You turned around to see none other than Tommy watching.  As usual, he showed no emotion but you knew he had heard the little exchange, but you didn’t care.  Maybe he would finally talk to you.

“Bonnie, I have a fight lined up for you.  Think you are ready?”  Bonnie couldn’t contain his grin.

“Definitely.”  He said with no hesitation.

“Good.  Don’t get too hurt before then.”  With that he turned to you.  “Time to go.”  Commanding voice, no sign of emotion so it was hard to know his thoughts.  However you had been around long enough to know he wasn’t overjoyed.  You knew better than to start something there so you just followed him out of the door.  Nothing was said the whole ride back and when you walked inside, you decided not to start the conversation.  If he wanted to talk he would so you just silently made your way to your room.  It was his room too, but he hardly stayed there anymore; if he was home, he stayed in a different room, claiming he didn’t want to wake you up at odd hours but you knew that wasn’t the whole truth.

“What are you mad about now?”  He started once he followed you into the room, closing the door.  You bristled.

“What am I mad about?  The same thing as usual.  And you?  Still the same brooding ‘no one can help me because I won’t let anyone try’?  Or did you decide to be on about something else?”  You retorted.  His eyes grew dark.

“I’ve got so much on my fucking plate, why do you try to make it harder for me, eh?”

“I make it harder for YOU?  Have you ever thought that I want to help you, like I have told you a hundred times, and maybe I am sick of the fact that you don’t want me around anymore?  Because that is pretty hard on me.” You shouted.

“Stop fucking yelling, you don’t have to be so crazy all the time.”  You just laughed sarcastically.

“Just tell me Tommy, I’m curious.  Since you insist on finding everything you can that’s wrong with me, trying to make me your enemy when I have been the one person on your side every time, why you still want me around.  Clearly you can’t stand me, I repulse you so why keep me locked in your home?  What purpose does that serve?  If I insist on making life hard for you why don’t you just throw me out?  You have no problem doing that to others, why not give me the boot?”  He didn’t respond, just kept looking at you.  When you knew he wouldn’t answer you just sighed, shrugging your shoulders in defeat.

“I am so sick of fighting you all the time, Tommy.  I hate it. I don’t want to keep doing it but you won’t talk to me and when you decide I am worth your time, you try to start a fight.  I am so tired.  I can’t keep doing it.”  You sat on the bed, not looking up at him.  You knew he was looking at you.

“I can’t either.”  Was all he said.  You dared to look up.

“Where does that leave us then?”  You asked, defeatedly.  Before he could answer a knock came at the door.

“Come in”  He barked.  The maid entered.

“I’m sorry to bother you sir, but Mr. Solomons is here, and you said that when he arrived to tell you immediately-”

“Yes.”  He said, effectively dismissing her.  He never took his eyes off you until he turned to reach the door.  Right when he opened it you stopped him.

“I loved you, you know.  I have since before you ever walked me home that night.  I loved you through the death of Vincente, the death of John, all of it.  And I would have loved you forever if only you would have let me.”  You figured you had nothing to lose, the confession came out of nowhere but it was true nonetheless.  Might as well part ways leaving nothing left unsaid.  Ironic since it was a lack of communication driving you apart.  You half hoped he would turn around and say something, say he loved you, that he was sorry, that he knew, anything.  But that wouldn’t be your Tommy.  Thomas Shelby now.  You no longer had a claim on him.  He stared straight ahead and as always, showed no emotion and walked out the door, and effectively, out of your life.

     He had long since left you, but this was official now.  You might as well take what little was left of your pride and do something for yourself.  You packed your belongings and decided for once, to leave him first instead.

     You weren’t simple enough to go back to your home alone, knowing the Italians could and would still use you as a target regardless of your issues with Tommy so you went to the only place you could.  Polly’s.  She welcomed you readily, and she blamed Tommy for the whole thing saying she was surprised you hadn’t come sooner.  You had always appreciated her straightforwardness.  You went to bed that night feeling good that you had the strength to finally leave but heartbroken because no matter what, you knew you would love Tommy.  You didn’t sleep well and it showed when you joined Polly the next morning for tea.  You weren’t very hungry and she didn’t press you.

“Thank you”  Was all you said when she handed you your tea.  You blew on it.

“Tommy called.”  Was all she responded.  You stopped for a moment.

“I figured he would.”  You said.

“I told him you were here.”  You looked up at her.

“I didn’t expect you to lie.”  You countered.

“He probably will come over.”  She still showed no emotion, studying yours.  You just hummed.

“I won’t stop him, but you should talk to him.  I will kick him out if you need.”  She got up, probably to welcome Tommy who was coming soon.  You knew you would need to talk to him but you didn’t expect to do it so soon.  Honestly, you knew he didn’t like things not going his way and you leaving was not in his plan; at least you thought.  But you also didn’t want to go back just because that was what he wanted, nothing to do with your relationship.  And you would tell him. 

     When he knocked, Polly let him in, you hadn’t gotten up, still finishing your tea.  He sat at the table with you, staying silent for a moment.  You just sipped your tea, maintaining eye contact.

“You left.”  Was all he said.

“Yes.”  You responded.

“I didn’t think you would.  In fact I never counted on that.”  You raised your eyebrow and scoffed.

“Is that because you thought I was too weak to leave, or did you truly not realize how much you broke my heart?”  You were proud that you kept most of your emotion out of your tone, having been around the Shelby’s enough to keep monotone even when you were seething inside.  He didn’t respond right away and it tore at you to not hear what he was thinking.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.  I never want to hurt you.”  

“I’m curious how you thought breaking my heart wouldn’t hurt.”  He just sighed.

“You need to come home.”  His use of home didn’t escape you.  He hadn’t used that word in a long time.  When everything was good between you two, you talked about being together and being home etc as lovers do but recently it was ‘let’s go’ or ‘you need to go back’, never home.  It was one of the many ways he had detached you two.

“Home, yeah?  Is that my home Tommy?” You asked pointedly, expecting an answer.

“Of course it is.  Been your fucking home for over a year.”  He lit a cigarette.  You knew him well enough to know he did it to hide any nerves.

“No, it is where you have kept me, it hasn’t been home for a long time.”  You countered. He took a long time to blow out his smoke.

“Being a bit dramatic, eh?”  You knew he was baiting you.  You had gotten used to arguing and almost started to enjoy it because it had been the only way you two communicated anymore.

“No, I am just stating facts.  And I know the only reason you want me back is because me leaving wasn’t part of your fucking plan.”  You couldn’t hide the irritation in your voice.

“No, I want to protect you.  You know that. The Italians still want to hurt us and that is the safest place for you.”

“I am safe here with Polly.  And I am not convinced you even care about my safety anymore.  So that means you have a different plan that you won’t let anyone in on and I am sick of it.  So either you tell me what is really going on or just fuck off.”  You put your tea cup down harshly.

“I always have a plan, and you obviously are part of it.  You are always involved in my plans and you used to love that.”

“I used to love it.”  You repeated, slowly nodding after repeating his words.  “No Tommy, I loved being involved with you, when you let me in.  I loved when you would tell me your plans, but now you can’t stand to be in the same room, even now you are agitated and you know that I know you well enough to pick up on it.  So to save you from my presence which clearly agitates you to no end, you either tell me what you got planned or again, you can just fuck off.”  You told him again.  He looked at you for a moment, clearly not used to you giving him ultimatums.  Part of you would have thought it turned him on, you trying to take control so he could force you into submission. It was a game you used to play.  Seems like a lifetime ago now, but you weren’t playing now.

“You will come home with me.”  He stated with more aggression.

“Hmm, still won’t tell me what’s in your beautiful mind will you?”  You said, vulnerably.  You saw something flash in his eyes, remorse?  But you both put your walls up again.

“Guess you’re going to have to fuck off then.”  You made to get up, and he quickly blocked your exit.  You couldn’t hide the hitch in your breath when he got so close.  He peered down at you.

“Why are you making it so difficult for me, eh?”  He said.  He was so soft you knew he was referring to something more than just you not wanting to go back with him.

“Why won’t you let me in?  What are you so scared of?”  You said softly, slowly moving your hand to his cheek.  You caressed him tenderly, and for a moment he closed his eyes and leaned into your touch.  In this moment you knew he still cared about you and you wanted to cry.

“I just want to protect you.”  He whispered so quietly you almost didn’t hear him.

“Then let me in.  Pushing me away does neither of us any good.  We are stronger together Tommy.  You are my strength, let me be yours.”  For a moment you thought he might, but as quickly as the moment came, it went.  He grabbed your hand and lowered it from his face, not letting go.

“Trust me.”

“Trust ME, Tommy.”  You responded, almost pleaded.

“Either you come back on your own, or I will have to take you myself.”  His walls were back up and you knew he wouldn’t lower them again.  You sighed, knowing that what was broken wasn’t going to get fixed.

“I do trust you Tommy, but I am tired of you not trusting me.  So either you learn to, or we have to stay apart.  Whatever this is, isn’t good for either of us.  Besides, if we aren’t together then you no longer have to worry about me.  I will no longer be a piece in this game you play against Luca Changretta. I suppose that would be easier for you.”  You smiled sadly.  “I will stay with Polly.”  you squeezed his hand one last time and walked away with your head held high.  You could cry when he left.  And it broke your heart when he did.

      You had heard about the boxing match between Bonnie and Goliath from Polly.  You knew she talked to Tommy and most likely knew his plan, so when she said you had to come, you knew you had no choice.  Just because you weren’t with Tommy, didn’t mean you weren’t on his side. You came into the arena with Polly and met up with the rest of the family.  Tommy had to be elsewhere before the fight started and honestly you didn’t care where he was.  Part of you wanted to see him but part of you knew that if you did, you weren’t sure you would be strong enough to stay away again.  You knew meeting up would be inevitable but you wanted to wait as long as you could.  You decided to use the bathroom, hoping you could calm your nerves for the reunion.  You took a few breaths in the mirror and decided it was what it would be.  So you gathered all the confidence you could, happy with yourself for looking extra good for the evening.  It had been a while since you got dressed up.  As you opened the door to the bathroom, you stepped outside a few steps and ran into the all too familiar face.  You were surprised to see him in the now empty hallway.

“Tommy”  you said in surprise.  

“Hello Y/N”  He said, showing no sign of emotion, as per usual.  But you caught him looking you up and down and you thanked God that you wore the sexier of the two dresses.  Thank God for Polly for helping you choose.

“Good luck tonight”  You said, meaning more than just the match and he knew it.

“Thank you.”  You made to move past him, but he gently grabbed your arm.

“Y/N, I-”  But you shook your head.

“Please Tommy.  Don’t.  I can’t bear it.”  You let out a shaky sigh.  “I know that something is going on, something you refuse to tell me.  I accept that you will never want me as close to you as I want to be, and I know that you need me here for some reason.  And I will always help you, I will be here and play whatever part I am supposed to play, but please.”  You took another shaky breath.  “Whatever you want to say, don’t.  I can barely survive now and I don’t know if I can even make it through the night.  I am putting on a smile and doing whatever female bull shit you need me to, but if I have to hear anything else I will break.  I can’t do it, I am not as strong as you think I am.  I can’t hear how you feel bad, love me, or worse, you don’t have any sweet nothings to say to me, just business as always.  I can’t bear it.”  You whispered the last sentence, with tears pooling in your eyes.  He looked so lost it almost broke you.  Part of you wanted him to say something but you respected him all the more when he didn’t.  He just sighed, nodded, and loosened his grip on your arm.  You managed to not fall apart, just giving him a sad smile, and walked back to your seat.

     The fight occurred, and you enjoyed it despite yourself.  Then Arthur was killed and you were shocked and motionless.  Polly managed to get the ladies out and to safety.  The only thing you wanted to do was go to Tommy but you knew that couldn’t happen and it hurt all the more.  However much time later, Polly had let you in on some secrets.  Tommy was going to get the best of the Italians and you were happy that the whole ordeal would be over.  Of course that wasn’t the only reason she told you, she had said you needed to go to the distillery and meet Tommy and Luca Changretta there.  You weren’t sure why, just that your presence was required and of course, you went.  You walked in, seeing Tommy, Finn, and Polly.

“Thank you for coming” Tommy said as you walked up to him, nodding at Polly as his thanks to which she returned.

“I didn’t have much choice, did I?  Is this it?”  You asked him.

“This will be the end, I promise.”   You hummed.

“Then you won’t need me around anymore.”  It was a statement made with no emotion, save pondering.

“That will never be the case.”  He said fiercely, grabbing onto both your arms.

“Could have fooled me.”  You searched his eyes for what, you didn’t know.

“You have to believe I never wanted to hurt you, but I had to.  I will explain when this is over.”  This was more than you had ever received from him.  Before you could ask him what he meant by that, you heard footsteps.  Tommy immediately put you behind him and you all prepared to see the Italians walk in.

     The men made some insults then got down to business.  You tried not to seem shocked that Tommy would sell his distillery but then again, you didn’t know much.  The hardest part of the whole thing was watching Tommy on his knees.  You knew he had a plan and wished he would just get on with it and stop playing around.  Everyone was getting too excited.  Then it happened.  You were always amazed how Tommy could speak.  He commanded the attention of everyone in the room and somehow he was always three steps ahead.  He went on about a rival in Chicago and Luca Changretta was not happy.  You were prepared to hide should a gunfight occur.  This wasn't your first.  Good thing too, because out of nowhere Arthur came in and before you could process it, Tommy had grabbed you and made sure you were safe.  Not long after, Luca was dead on the floor and you were glad it was over.  You gave him a brief glance but didn’t need to see it.  You still had some innocence left.  You let go of Tommy and ran to Arthur.

“I can’t believe you are alive!”  You said, hugging him.  Then you slapped him for not telling you.

“Sorry love, only a few people could know so it wouldn’t get out.”

“I am used to being left out”  you told him wryly.  Polly smirked.

“Sorry love, but I did tell Tommy to at least tell you that he didn’t mean to break your heart and that it was all planned and-”  

“Arthur”  Polly quickly cut him off.

“What are you talking about?”  You asked him.

“I thought Tommy talked to you.  Bloody hell brother, you really are fooking all this up.”  Arthur said, and you turned around to see Tommy wiping his face.

“You are right, Arthur.  I should have, but I needed to protect her.”

“Would someone please tell me what the bloody hell is going on?”  You practically shouted.  Arthur, Polly, and Finn left and took the hired Italians with them.

“The reason I needed you here was once this business was sorted, I couldn’t wait another second to be with you.”  Tommy said.  No one moved.

“Just tell me the truth.”  You begged him.

“No more fucking around.  I love you with all of my heart Y/N.  I only broke your heart because Changretta threatened you.  Believe me when I did my best to ensure you were safe but there were a lot of things going on.  He wanted me to hurt you or he would.  And I knew he could do it.  I haven’t been that out of control and he knew exactly how to get to me.  The only way to keep you safe was to make you believe I didn’t love you anymore.  It killed me to do it.  I hate myself every second of every day for it but it was the only way.  I am so sorry.”  He took a small step towards you, but you stayed rooted to your spot.  You didn’t know what to say, it was a lot to take in.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your love, but I am a selfish man.  I need you and I want you too.  If you can somehow find it in yourself to forgive me, I will be a better man, I promise you  this.  I wanted to tell you, but it was too far in.  I couldn’t risk it”  He took another step.

“You could have told me, I play along with all your other strategies.  Why couldn’t you tell me the most important thing?”  You asked.

“I couldn’t risk it.  If you seemed even a little bit unbroken, he would know and he would hurt you.  That’s why I wanted you to stay at the house.  You would be miserable but you would be safe.”

“But that’s just it, Tommy.  I wasn’t safe.  You effectively killed me.  I was a dead woman walking.  I wanted to be killed.  That would have been kinder.”  Your voice was breaking but you willed yourself to stay strong, despite the tears starting to flow.

“I am so sorry.  I wish I could have been better.  I wish that I could have ended that bastard months ago.  But I couldn’t.  Not without retribution.  I would rather live without you than have you die.  You need to be alive and safe.”

“But I was neither, not really.  He didn’t have to kill me.  You did”  Your tears were freely flowing and you saw that his eyes were glossy too.  That shook you the most.  Seeing Thomas Shelby be human.

“I was desperate and wasn’t thinking.”

“For one who thinks too much you really didn't think about this.”

“It is because you are my one weakness.  I love my family, I am still a broken man over John, but if I lost you..”  He stopped, choking on the words.

“But you did lose me.”

“I hope not forever.”  He looked at you with an emotion you hadn’t seen on him before - fear.

“You say you will change, but you say that each time.  You go back to old habits once another threat is made known.  And there are a lot of threats.  You don’t let anyone in, you never did and I think you never will.  If you love me, treat me like it.  You tell everyone, even Finn who is too young, but you won’t, you can’t, let me in.  Maybe we are better off apart.”  It hurt to say it out loud, but you had been thinking that for a while. 

“That is not true.  We are stronger together.”  It wasn’t lost on you that he repeated your words.

“Stronger.  That’s why you pushed me away.”

“I swear to you, I will prove that I need you.”

“I don’t doubt you do.  But you need a lot of things that you live without, and I am no different.”

“That is not true, Y/N.  You are all I need.  I can’t live without you.  These past weeks have been hell.”

“And you knew the truth, what about me?  Imagine it, imagine not knowing everything.  I never do but I always stick by you!”  You shouted.  “I am so tired.”  You cried.  You started to let it all out and you didn’t have the strength to stop it.  He immediately came to you and when you let him hold you, he held you so tightly, and it felt so right.  

     After some time, you calmed down and looked up into his eyes to see he had been crying too.  Then it hit you. You needed Tommy too.  No matter what he did, you would always need to be with him.  But that didn’t have to mean you would or should.

“Here’s the thing, Tommy.  I love you with every fiber of my being.  That will never change.  But I can’t, I won’t do that again.  I deserve better.”

“I know, I will let you in.  I will do anything.”

“You better.  The second you don’t I am gone for good.”  And you meant it.

“Whatever you need.”

“You tell me everything I want to know.  You cannot leave anything out.  You will start trusting me with the business.  You are not protecting me by keeping it from me.  I am your partner.  We are in this together.  I know it is hard for you, but this is the real deal, it’s you and me, not just you.  As soon as you decide no longer, then that is it.  And I mean it.”

“Deal.  Whatever you want.  I will do better, I can do better, and you deserve everything.”  He kept holding you, stroking your back.

“Then take me home, Tommy.  I am tired and I need you.”  He smiled for the first time in months.

“Yes my love, whatever you want.”  He placed a kiss on your lips, and in Thomas Shelby fashion, actions spoke louder than words.  And somehow you knew, things would change.  You would be sure of it.

[onlyjihoons]

collegebf! daniel

a/n; happy birthday to kang choding hehe,, dedicated for my dearest mother @mongniel aurora until she disowned me so im trying to validate myself and also the loyal mom, ariane @deepdickdaniel

(repost bc the tags werent working)moodboard will be uploaded in a seperate post soon!

major: vetinary

minor: sports science

honestly took up vetinary bc of peter and rooney

so he could save on the fees to the vet

though he puts up a strong front he is often a kultz and actually really soft??

likes kids too and often swings by the early childhood department to visit minhyun

but let’s face it, animals like him better than the babies do

has a phobia of insects, especially flying ones

hence cant join practical lessons that involves specimen or live insects

his classmates would be kind enough to share with him the notes they took in class, but he would rather fail the topic than look at notes of insects

there was once his friend, ong threw a fake spider whilst daniel was studying and he screamed, pushing off the seemingly 1 ton table and chair away from him

ong was like,,, “are you sure he wants to be a vet next time”

despite his phobia of insects, he will actually grin and bear it when he needs to remove lice from animals

red bull and gummy addict, but more likely to die of shock from insects than diabetes

you will always spot a can of red bull on his lecture desk, and bet 10 bucks it has a love note attached to it from his admirers

fairly popular in school, because a soft, tall and cute guy doing vetinary?? he just screams boyfriend material in that white lab coat

and glasses slipping down his nosebridge just makes him look even more cuter

loves dancing as a hobby so he took it up as his minor

does b-boying and modern dance, looks equally hot in both

when the school hall is filled with girls, it is either some kpop boy band is performing, or daniel and his dance group, wanna one are performing

has so much charisma in his dancing, the idea of “cute daniel” gets thrown away

but a cute bunny most of the time who is addicted to gummies

surprisingly, hasn’t dated a lot as contrast to rumours that he’s a fuckboy

he really hates fucking around with others’ feelings… despite being choding(childish) around his hyungs of wanna one

meanwhile you,, a medicine student trying to keep up with the expectations of society

to be honest, you’re doing well

but not well enough to enter the top hospitals of seoul

and you’re here on scholarship anyway, might as well make use of it to make your parents proud

you’re your parents’ only child too, the pressure to do well is also quite high

you barely dated, the only time was in high school where you were a foolish teenager dating your best friend

you did have classmates confessing to you though, but everything stayed platonic

they weren’t upset surprisingly, they were more than willing to be friends with you too

eventually they found their other halves, but are still good friends with you

you were glad guys in your faculty were understanding,, unlike some that disliked you after that

you were friends with jaehwan, your old friend since the both of you were in diapers

he took up music, and ended up having lots of college scholarship offers

he eventually went to your college, despite it not one of his first few choices

“my friend would die a lonely virgin if i didnt help her with her love life”

“shut up jaehwan, 80% of your girlfriends broke up with you because your laugh is annoying”

“i dId NOT aSk for this sLaNdEr”

anyway, you had no idea how jaehwan ended up in wanna one(and daniel’s roomate), depite his “boom boom-bastic” dance skills

winkwonk

but that boy’s vocals can reach to the gods in heaven and appease them

he tried to matchmake you with all of the members of wanna one(excluding the minors of course) but it all failed because your friend was the worst at being discreet

the lords of venus eventually shined upon you when daniel was sent to your faculty for “emergency” treatment

“y/n,,, we need you to fix daniel, quick.” jaehwan said breathlessly over the phone

“if he needs a one night stand, im not an option, you know that, kim jaehwan.”

“no, that stupid boy accidentally cut himself while trying to disect a frog… and he’s bleeding a lot.”

“oh the flower boy from vetinary?” you nodded as you took your first aid kit, “but you aren’t even majoring in vetinary, jaehwan, what are you doing with daniel?”

“he called me to call you– ok nevermind, i’ll explain to you later, we’re on our way to your faculty. wait for us outside the medicine labs.”

“uh okay.”

so there you were, waiting outside the medicine labs with your first aid kit

seconds later, you saw 3 boys running towards you, one visibly taller than the other 2

you could finally make out their faces, it was jaehwan, daniel and another boy, wonwoo whom you were friends with due to jaehwan’s failed matchmaking

“y/n,, i think daniel is gonna suffer from anaemia…”

you tried to stifle your laughter as you examined the cardigan wrapped around daniel’s hand

“he won’t. don’t worry.” you assured them as you unraveled the cardigan, “let’s just hope it’s nothing too deep…”

when you revealed the wound, it was just a minor cut, though not as minor as a paper cut but definitely bleeding

you glared at jaehwan, who smiled sheepishly and resigned to his death after you treated daniel

you dressed the wound quickly, lips pursed in concentration

what you didnt notice was daniel’s gaze, which was on you the whole time

he had a weird feeling in his stomach, he wanted to use his other hand to run it through your hair

he tried to shake it off, but he got more and more attracted to you when he saw your eyes meeting his to make sure he isnt uncomfortable

this wasnt the first time daniel saw you though, he often saw you on jaehwan’s lockscreen, as your friend had set the selca both of you took as his lockscreen

as much as daniel wanted to meet you, he didn’t want to give you the wrong impression because of his rumours

and now he finally did, but he was pretty sure you’re gonna hate him for being over-reacting

“done,” you patted his dressing and pushed his hand towards him, “it’s nothing too deep, don’t worry. but make sure to take it off when you’re showering, if you need any help just give me a call.”

daniel shot you one of his signature eyesmiles, “thank you so much, i’m sorry i had to make you rush down for me…”

“no its fine! just call me whenever. i hope you get well soon.” you smiled, then tiptoed to daniel’s ear, “just don’t tell jaehwan though, he can be a little, nosey.”

you were lying if you said daniel wasn’t attractive and totally did not win you over with his eyesmile in the span of 3 seconds

“and kim jaehwan, you owe me a meal. for helping your friend and putting up with your drama.”

at this point, daniel was totally smitten

everyone could see it, even the members of wanna one started teasing him about it

“i can set you up with a date with y/n if you want–”

“no i dont like her peter and rooney are my girlfriends”

daniel totally did not ask almost everyone in his faculty for your number

when he finally had the guts to text you, he was all giddy when you replied, jumping up whenever he heard the personalized notification just for your contact

meanwhile, while you were talking to daniel, you really loved it when he talks about animals, it seemed like all time has stopped in the world and his passion for taking care of animals is just so attractive

and he didnt seem like the usual fuckboy everyone perceived him to be

one day, daniel asked you out for a pizza date, and you immediately agreed

because free pizza and a cute date, why not

the both of you ended up going to laundry pizza, just bc daniel said ioi went there to take their album jacket photos there LOL

but the pizza there was good so you weren’t complaining

daniel ended up paying for the both of you, after 15 minutes of rentless argument over who should pay

the both of you also went to the arcade, wasting your money on those claw machines

you didn’t get anything, but you had fun throwing airballs at the basketball machine thingy

daniel walked you back pretty early, because he knew you had a morning lecture the next morning

not gonna lie, you wanted to stay longer but daniel was not gonna have any of it

daniel walked you till your doorstep, and your hands were fumbling through your purse for your keys

looks like someone forgot their keys,,,

you laughed humourlessly as you tried to open the locked door, but only for daniel to giggle along with you

your roomate was out too, and she wouldn’t be back till the next morning

“i dont think its safe for you to be sleeping outside, why dont you stay over at my place?”

“im–”

“ok let’s go”

you didnt even say anything and here you are, at daniel’s dorm, unsure of what to do

just watching daniel hastily clean up his dorm is quite amusing

“jaehwan wont be back till really late, he has an event to attend to.” daniel smiled as he proceeeds to kick the sweet wrappers under the sofa, “i’m sorry you have to put up with this, y/n.”

“no, no, thank you for letting me stay here, or i’ll be freezing in the cold right now.” you shook your head, yawning

“do you want a change of clothes? i have a hoodie you can wear…hopefully”

you never knew you would be staying in daniel’s dorm, on his bed, in his hoodie

until today

you slept fairly well, with daniel’s scent invading all your senses

until you felt something on your foot

you woke up, scared

the thing kept probing at your feet, and soon it was licking it

you screamed, and soon enough daniel ran into his room to see what happned

“y-y/n?” he rubbed his eyes as he turned on the lights, “what happened?”

“s-something was at my foot”

daniel moved the sheets, and he found rooney peacefully sleeping on the foot of the bed

“i’m sorry, rooney always likes to invade the bed in the middle of the night,,, i should’ve told you earlier”

“it’s fine, i was just too shocked hahaha”

silence

“maybe i’ll sleep with you, so peter and rooney wont disturb us”

you stared at daniel, as he quickly waved his hands, “no, no, i wont do anything, i swear, you can end me if i do.”

neither of you could sleep, so daniel nudged you

“y/n… i know its weird to say this but,, i like you”

well that was really weird

“i don’t expect you to accept me and all but i just wanna let you know that i–”

you cut daniel off with a kiss, as he sneakily snaked his arms around your waist to bring you closer

after a good like, 20 seconds, you pulled away, “me, rejecting kang daniel?? no way.”

ever since the both of you started dating, jaehwan started to brag about himself, saying that the both of you were a couple thanks to him,,,

but would shut up immediately after he sees you in the vicinity because he would be running away from you

a very cute relationship, daniel would always wrap his arms around your shoulders and snuggle you close to him

instant ramen dates are a big thing and you always have to clean up after daniel

but he helps of course, after hearing you nag at him for the nth time

he would always make you a bento before your papers, with a note that says, “with this bento, you will do well! fighting! love, daniel”

and vice versa, you would bake him muffins too

sweetest boyfriend, but the type to say pick up lines to annoy the heck out of you

they arent even smooth, theyre hella bad

and yes, kang choding still exists

you have to physically stop him from buying/eating more gummies or his teeth would rot

since daniel is relatively bigger in size, you would always steal his clothes and he would always wonder how his clothes would mysteriously go missing

he would know the answer when he sees you the next morning

the whole campus ships the both of you sm

please love kang daniel

[blackholeofprocrastination]

So I came across these pics of Tom Hopper picking up sack of grains and boxes and stuff and I was imagining what if Dickon escaped to North/WF and Sansa gives him residence bc noone deserves to be burnt to death but obviously he has to take up an alias. He helps in restoration of WF. He totally falls in love w/ Sansa bc who wouldn't. She's the best. And he keeps calling her queen and highkey trying his best to make her smile or life easier for her etc. And he's muscled like a bull

Super buff Dickon throwing sacks of grain around Winterfell? You’re talking my language nonny! I’m fashionably late to the Dicksa party but here’s some silly ‘What if Dany Didn’t Barbecue Dickon’ AU fic for ya. (Ignores the shows current Stark Sister drama cuz…who’s got time for that nonsense?)

The Snow It Melts The Soonest When The Winds Begin To Sing

Winterfell has become a near constant raucous of shouts and sounds. 

Outside it’s walls, the Winter town is filled to bursting with smallfolk from every inch of the North, clambering to Winterfell for protection from the war and winter to come. Hovels and tents are thrown together alongside the existing thatch-roofed homes. Their camp is a lively one, men and women and children and livestock all huddled on top of one another. At night, their voices carry over the thick walls of the keep as they gather together, seeking warmth from meager peat fires.

For most within the keep, the flagging daylight hours are spent in the yard, the singing of steel upon steel ringing out as Brienne leads those who can hold a sword through their paces. Sometimes Arya is with them. She moves through the lines, quiet as a shadowcat, offering the occasional encouragements to soldiers and shepherd boys alike. 

More often Arya can be found in the smithy, perched on an anvil, watching the smiths with a queer almost forlorn sort of attentiveness.

She worries for Jon, Sansa suspects.

The first sledges bearing dragon glass had arrived two moon’s ago. Since then, the fires in the forge have been kept stoked at all hours, hammers falling in a steady rhythm, shooting off sparks as spears and swords and pikes are fashioned out of the peculiar black stone. Sansa prays it will be enough.

Inside of the keep it is no quieter. There are more mouths to feed than ever (and increasingly less with which to feed them). The kitchens are a flurry of wooden spoons scraping against great cauldrons of porridge and broth. Dough smacks against wide-planked wood tables. Roasts of what the huntsmen bring back from the Wolfswood crackle as they turn on great spits. 

What women who are not busy, armed with a spear or ladle, gather around the fire in the great hall, spinning and knitting wool, their heads bent close, their voices like a low hum of a beehive. Sansa watches them sometimes. It makes her heart ache, bringing to mind simpler afternoons spent sat close with Jeyne Poole, their noses buried in their stitching. 

There are days when the Lady of Winterfell wants to escape it all. Wants to hide away in the silence of the godswood (as Bran has done since Meera Reed rode out from their gates). 

Still, there are more days when she is grateful to be surrounded by the chaos and the noise. She had not thought to see this again. 

For so long, she had supposed Winterfell lost to her. Memories of direwolf banners draped along it’s walls, of the warmth from the fire in the Great Hall, of the courtyard just after a snowfall when the ground was fresh and new…they had been her comfort in those lonely years in the South. She dreamed of it. Prayed for it. Home.

It is a shadow of what it once was. There are too many ghosts that dwell here to be truly happy. She is grateful just the same.

Sansa is making her way to the Great Keep, having spent a tedious morning consulting with the head carpenter and mason on what is needed to restore the glass gardens, when a startling sound catches her attention near the granary.

At first she thinks it only the low murmur of men’s voices as they see to their work, but as she draws nearer she realizes it is something she scarcely believed she’d hear within these walls again. Singing.

“Afield, afield, afield, I be,When a maid did smile at me.‘Twas fair Jenny, the goatherd’s daughter,Sent to fetch a pail of water.”

Sansa used to pride herself on knowing all sorts of songs and stories. Not just the dark tales Old Nan would spin before sending them off to their beds or the songs her mother would sing when she brushed her hair. Sansa remembers how she used to plead with her father every time a singer or minstrel came to their gates, begging that they might stay just a sennight longer. Long enough that she might learn their songs by heart.

But this is song she does not know.

“My lady?” Podrick asks when she lingers too long at the granary door. Sansa offers the squire an absent smile.

“Would you see the steward receives the estimates for the glass, Podrick?”

“Right away, my lady.” Pod bows, taking the offered ledgers and scurrying towards the Great Keep.

Sansa watches him leave before pushing through doors. Several men are occupied moving sacks of barley and oats out of sledges and wagons into the granary. They are Southron men. Soldiers, some of them even knights.

She has no illusions to why they are here. They are meant to be a gift of goodwill from this dragon queen. And while Sansa knows the North will not be so easily bought (no matter what Jon might have promised), she is not in a position to refuse the additional hands and stores that came with the arrival of the Reach men to Winterfell.

She is startled when she sees their commander is among them. Dickon Tarly is a difficult man to miss. He is easily the tallest man in Winterfell (taller than Brienne even), as well as broad and comely. Striking. The sort of man one can’t help but notice.

His arrival at Winterfell has proved a disruption to her household. More than once, Sansa’s come across a serving girl neglecting her duty in favor of idling by the practice yard, pink cheeked and giggling while the Reach knights train. And though Sansa has given her share of stern warnings on the matter, that hasn’t stopped a few of the bolder ones from batting their lashes at the young lord while serving him supper in the Hall.

Once, Sansa might have also looked on him with admiration. But Sansa is not that girl anymore. She has known the ugliness of this world, seen it lurk behind pretty faces, and she wants no part of it.

“A plea, a plea I made with she,That she might linger there with me,She offered me a drink of water,Did Jenny fair, the goatherd’s daughter.”

She’s close enough to pick out his somewhat unpolished baritone amidst the singing. It is a pleasant sound. Warm and deep and cheerful.

Sansa watches him with curiosity. She knows he is now the lord of Horn Hill. His father was sentenced to dragon fire, a fate the young lordling is said to have barely escaped. And his elder brother, Jon’s Samwell, is a sworn brother of the Night’s Watch, and unable to inherit his father’s seat. Yet for all that, here he is with his common fighting men, singing and shouldering sacks of barley alongside them and seemingly happy to do so.

Winter has come but you wouldn’t know it from inside the granary. It is stifling, much too close to the hot springs which heat the walls throughout the keep. Already the snow has melted in Sansa’s hair and the fur mantle that had barely kept the chill from creeping into her bones outside, now seems absurdly heavy. 

Many men have removed their cloaks and tunics, stripping to the waist. Sansa is long past being scandalized by such things. Still, something uneasy settles in her stomach as she watches Dickon Tarly heft another sack out of a wagon. Sweat slicks his skin, rivets leaving visible trails down the sharp lines of his chest and stomach.

Muscled like a bull.

That’s what she’d overheard one of the serving girls say when Sansa had caught them hovering near the practice yard. Sansa thinks she’s beginning to understand what the girl had meant now.

She feels even more uncomfortably warm than before. She should go. But before she can retreat back to the keep, she is noticed by one of the Reach knights.

“My lady!” he hails, pausing in his work to offer her a bow. The sentiment is echoed by the others, as dozens of eyes turn to her.

Sansa insides churn, as she cannot help but feel she has been caught doing something she should not. But that is foolish. This is her keep. She may go where she likes.

“Please!” she says. “I did not mean to interrupt your work. Carry on.”

She is relieved when another chorus of ‘my lady’ is murmured around the room and the men all return to their tasks…all but one.

“Lady Stark, is there anything you need?” Lord Tarly asks, crossing towards her. He has hastily pulled a tunic over his head, but the ties are undone revealing a stretch of collarbone that Sansa tries tries to keep her eyes from focusing on.

“No…no,” she stammers, feeling foolish. “I heard the singing and I…no.”

Silence stretches between them. She hopes that Lord Tarly will return to his work as the others have done, but he remains.

“That song,” she says, when she’s gathered enough wits and courage to speak again. “I’ve not heard it before.”

Color floods the lordling’s face, as he ducks his gaze away from her. Sansa is not the only one to be caught out, it seems.

“It’s from home.”

“Oh.”

“The smallfolk…they sing it when it’s time for the haymaking.”

There is a bashful smile on his face that leaves Sansa’s traitorous heart quickening in her chest.

“And what happens then?” she asks. “To your goatherd’s daughter?”

He is flushed to the tips of his ears now, Sansa notices with some amusement, and from the way he will no longer meet her eye, she suspects the answer must be something he deems too bawdy for a lady’s ears.

“I’m not sure I remember,” he mumbles, confirming Sansa’s suspicions.

“Pity,” she shakes her head in disappointment, fighting the sudden urge to smile. “I’m very fond of songs.”

He blinks, thrown for a moment. Good.

“If that is true, my lady, then perhaps…” he pauses, something uncertain and eager dancing in his eyes. “perhaps you would honor me with a song someday?”

She smiles for true now.

“Aye, my lord. Perhaps.”

[carcinoaquarium]

alright kk, don't say i didn't warn you lmao: Dearest Karkat, I am the anon whom you blessed with that dragon age tangent and i was bettered for it bc that tangent was great. When I played da:i I knew jack-all about the characters and literally only chose to be an elven female bc she had the most romantic options and I was going in thinking 'hell yeah imma romance the first available qunari of the series, you kidding me?' (1/7)

And then i chatted w solas and the literal first 'flirt' option w him is to tell him you aren't going to harass him for being an apostate and that was so /sad/ to think about, like he's so...lonely? Not to mention his greatest fear is dying alone?? Also he was hella intelligent and had interesting conversations and was suave as fuck, and I ended up being like "iron bull who?" and got my hEART RIPPED FROM MY CHEST, OW because solas has gotta be one of my fave villains in media to date. (2/7)

Also loghain, whom I didn't really appreciate until after I'd beheaded him. Whoops. Actually, I'd love to keep talking to you about dragon age?? i haven't been able to chat w a new(ish) fan in ages and these games have such depth. (also, dorian was absolutely my inquisitor's moirail, too, tbh. Although that's technically a romantic relationship, and Dorian is gay...? They're def BFFLs, tho, once Dorian was less racist against elves. Everyone in dai was kinda racist against elves.) (3/7)

Actually, elf Inquisitors kind of got a really fucking short stick in da:i. Not only did all of thedas hate them for being an elf, but there wasn't a single elf in that party that didn't challenge and beat on their religion (which is worse if they weren't already questioning it, as my inquisitor was), and even the people you can date don't seem to comfort you once your entire understanding of the world comes crashing down around your eyes. (4/7) (shit, i might hit the ask limit)

To a lesser extent this happens to the dwarves, too! Like, idk if you played the Descent dlc, but spoiler-free the dwarven religion is kind of picked apart and in the Tresspasser sequel we find out the ancient elves did a lot of shitty subjugating of the dwarven race, and not to mention the qunari are implied to be a race made through scientific genetic SPLICING of human and/or elven genes with fucking /dragons/, and it's like?? Man, give these fantasy races a break. (5/7)

Humans were the only ones who weren't really fucked with, they just kinda showed up from the north and invaded thedas while all that other political stuff was going on. But playing as a human's always seemed so boring to me, lmao. Did you play DA:O and DA2, too? (6/7) I feel like 200% nerd power right now,but the amount of effort and heart bioware put into these games is fascinating and i can't help but love dissecting it. Feel free to respond in private if u don't wanna clog ur blog w DA. (7/7)

--

YES. LET’S DO THIS. PROBABLY GOING TO BE A LONG REPLY SO I’LL READ MORE THIS SHIT.

ALTHOUGH I ONLY PERSONALLY PLAYED THROUGH ONE ROMANCE I OF COURSE HAD TO WATCH ALL OF THE COMPILATIONS ON YOUTUBE BECAUSE THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF GLUTTON I AM. SO YEAH. I AM FAMILIAR WITH SOLAS’ ROMANCE ARC. AND MAN I HAVE TO SAY YOU HAD TO BE MASOCHISTIC AS HELL TO RIDE THAT ONE OUT AND ENDURE THE MOST HEARTBREAKING OUTCOME OF THEM ALL. BLACKWALL WAS BAD ENOUGH, BUT AT LEAST, YOU KNOW, IT GETS BETTER IF YOU CHOOSE IT TO. 

DON’T GET ME WRONG, IT PLAYED OUT BEAUTIFULLY. BUT SADFPSDHFHSDF I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE SEE THAT THROUGH. 

AND I SERIOUSLY DID NOT SEE SOLAS’ TURN COMING. IT WAS AMAZING. HE WAS SO CONVINCING THE ENTIRE TIME. JUST THE BOOKISH APOSTATE ELF WHO LIKED TO PAINT MURALS AND FANBOY OVER THE FADE IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER. FUCKING. IAMBIC. PENTAMETER. THAT WAS PRETTY AMAZING. ERIDAN APPRECIATED THAT. ALTHOUGH IT WAS HARD NOT TO THINK OF SOLLUX WHEN WE SAID HIS NAME. ESPECIALLY ERIDAN. 

fuckin sol

BUT HOLY SHIT. I NEVER SAW IT COMING. AND YET WHEN YOU PLAYTHROUGH A SECOND TIME YOU SEE ALL THE LITTLE HINTS. MY SECOND PLAYTHROUGH WAS FULL OF ME SCREAMING AT THE SCREEN 

“OOOOOH, SUUUUUUURE. TELL ME YOUR VAGUE ASS REASON FOR BEING HERE AGAIN, YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT.”

“I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, DREAD WOLF. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.”

“YOU KNOW WHAT? THE FADE IS BORING. SPIRITS ARE BORING.”

“MAYBE I SHOULD SKIP THESE ELVEN PUZZLES THIS TIME, EGGSPONGE. OR MAYBE PISS IN THIS WELL. OR FIGHT THE IMMORTAL ELF DUDE. HMMMM??"

“I’M RUBBING MY BULGE AAAAALLL OVER THIS FEN’HAREL STATUE. YEAH. THAT’S RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT??”

“WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GIVE YOU A *HAND* WITH THAT QUEST??? OH I BET YOU WOULD.”

SERIOUSLY THOUGH I THOUGHT THE WAY SOLAS’ CHARACTER ARC UNROLLED WAS MASTERFUL. THE WAY HE PULLS THE INQUISITOR ASIDE NEAR THE END OF THE MAIN GAME TO TELL THEM THAT THEY EXCEEDED HIS EXPECTATIONS AND THAT HE TRULY VALUES THEM AS A FRIEND... I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER REALLY KNOW IF HE MEANT IT BUT I LIKE TO THINK HE DID. AND THAT IT GENUINELY SURPRISED HIM THAT THE PERSON HE WAS OUT TO MANIPULATE NEARLY CHANGED HIS WORLD VIEW IN THE END. THAT’S HOW YOU WRITE A THREE DIMENSIONAL ANTAGONIST.

FFFF. THE RACE SHENANIGANS. DRAGON AGE AND SKYRIM REALLY LIKE TO PLAY UP THE DISCRIMINATION AND OUTRIGHT PERSECUTION OF ELVES, WHICH STANDS IN SHARP CONTRAST TO THE TOLKIENIAN LORE IT ALL STEMS FROM WHERE ELVES ARE (MOSTLY) POWERFUL AND RESPECTED AMONG HUMANS. I LIKE IT THOUGH. IT’S AN INTERESTING SPIN. THE DWARF HATE TOO. I FUCKING LOVED THE WAY THE ORLEASIAN COURT NOT-SO-COVERTLY THREW SHADE AT YOU IN THE WINTER PALACE FOR BEING A DIRTY LOWBLOOD INFERIOR RACE. IT MADE PUTTING THEM ALL IN THEIR PLACE A WHOLE LOT SWEETER. AGAIN. WISH FULFILLMENT.

I HAVE TO AGREE THOUGH THAT THE GAME SOMETIMES KIND OF DID A SHITTY JOB OF ACKNOWLEDGING THE ELF AND DWARF INQUISITORS’ PERSONAL STRUGGLES WITH THEIR RACE, AND I GUESS THAT COMES DOWN TO THE SHIPLOAD OF DIALOGUE CUSTOMIZATION THE DEVS ALREADY HAD ON THEIR PLATE. I REMEMBER BEING ESPECIALLY PISSED OFF TALKING TO DAGNA WHERE SHE FUCKING SEEMED TO FORGET NELLIE WAS *ALSO* A DWARF HALF THE FUCKING TIME. 

AND THEN OTHER TIMES THE GAME WAS RANDOMLY REALLY GOOD IN THAT REGARD. IT WAS HIT AND MISS. ERIDAN DID AN ELF PLAYTHROUGH THAT I SAT IN ON AND I REMEMBER HOW COOL IT WAS BEING ABLE TO INTERACT WITH THE DALISH CLAN IN THAT INSIDER KIND OF WAY. BUT IT’S TRUE THAT PRETTY MUCH NONE OF THE ROMANTIC INTERESTS GIVE YOUR RACE MORE THAN *ONE* PASSING MENTION. CULLEN’S ROMANCE WITH A MAGE PLAYS WAY MORE HEAVILY INTO THINGS THAN SAY THE FACT THAT MALE LAVELLAN CAN DATE A GODDAMN *TEVINTER* ALTUS AND THE SLAVE THING IS BROUGHT UP A GRAND TOTAL OF ONCE.   

AND AS A SIDENOTE THE FACT THAT IF YOU CHOOSE THE NECROMANCER MAGE SPECIALIZATION, DORIAN-THE-GOD-DAMN-NECROMANCER HAS FUCK ALL TO SAY ABOUT IT. EVEN IF YOU ROMANCE HIM. WHICH AMPORA DID. AND HE WAS PISSED. 

SPEAKING OF AMPORA, HE ACTUALLY DID ROLL A HUMAN AT FIRST, BUT FIVE MINUTES IN HE WAS SO BORED WITH HIS CHARACTER HE ALMOST GAVE UP THE GAME FOR GOOD. SO YEAH. I FEEL YOU THERE. 

BUT YEAH. THE SUGAR COATING ON THE CONFECTIONERY ITEM IS DEFINITELY THE FACT THAT THE GAME HINGES ON BASICALLY SOLAS DESTROYING DALISH LEGITIMACY. AND AS A DALISH INQUISITOR IT’S LIKE. OH. OK. SURE. MY LIFE WAS A LIE. NO BIG DEAL. NOW WHO’S READY FOR A VACATION IN TEVINTER BECAUSE BOY HOWDY ME AND MY QUNARI FRIEND ARE DOWN FOR SOME FIRST CLASS NORTHERN HOSPITALITY.

AS MUCH AS I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT A LOT OF IT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I NEVER PLAYED THE PREVIOUS GAMES BUT I ABSORBED THE DRAGON AGE WIKI AND I THINK I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT WENT DOWN. I HAVE DA:O AND I DO PLAN ON PLAYING IT SOME TIME.

THE SADDEST PART IS THAT IT SEEMS PRETTY CERTAIN THAT THE SERIES IS PERMA-DEAD. AND I ACTUALLY WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO WHERE THEY SEEMED TO BE TAKING IT. IT’S A FUCKING SHAME.

[365footballorg-blog]

Wiebe: Your complete guide to MLS Week 25

August 17, 20181:37PM EDT

“Where’s the Armchair Analyst? You’re not Matt Doyle.”

I’m not, and I won’t pretend to be. Frankly, I don’t know how Doyle does this every single week. There’s a lot of pressure, and it is kinda exhausting. Scroll to the bottom for your favorite MLS analyst’s whereabouts.

In the meantime, let’s dig into Week 25.

Saturday Slate

Seattle Sounders vs. LA Galaxy (ESPN)

4 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Sounders going for franchise record 6 in a row vs Sigi and Zlatan will be epic.

— Eric Tietz (@eric_tietz) August 16, 2018

No doubt, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic could sit this one out. Check the quote here. Even if he rides the pine, there are goals in this game, on average 3.6 every time the Galaxy take the field, most in MLS. Given the current state of the Western Conference the three points at stake are huge for both teams.

The Seattle side is obvious. They’ve won five straight games but, thanks to the fact they won all of four times in league play before their current run, still sit outside the playoff field looking in. The Sounders have never won six straight in MLS, and this looks like a golden opportunity with a potentially Zlatan-less LA team coming to CenturyLink.

The Galaxy side comes from the mouth of, who else, Zlatan, who said it best after LA dropped four points in four days by blowing a couple 2-1 leads at home to settle for a pair of home draws with Minnesota and Colorado, both below them in the table.

“Everybody talk about the playoffs,” he said. “The way we play now, we don’t even deserve playoffs.”

Thanks to Bobby Warshaw’s beautiful mind, I’m thinking about this game this way:

If you were to seed the top eight teams in the Western Conference and put on a single-elimination tournament starting this weekend, who would you bet on and in what order? Here’s where I stand.

Seattle Sounders

LAFC

Portland Timbers

Sporting KC

FC Dallas

LA Galaxy

Vancouver Whitecaps

Real Salt Lake

That’s another way of saying I think it’ll be six straight for the Sounders, and every team above the playoff line ought to be concerned about what another late-summer hot streak (in which it doesn’t seem like they’re actually playing all that well… yet) means for the stretch run and beyond.

Philadelphia Union vs. New York City FC

7 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

If you’re going to watch one game on Saturday night, make it this one. Both teams want the ball, and both teams know what to do with it once they get it. Get ready for 90 minutes of pretty soccer.

The Union have won two in a row just once all season. With NYCFC in town, they’ve got a chance to do that while putting some much-needed distance between themselves and the rest of the playoff chasers in the East. Bobby loves watching Philly, but aesthetics must also come with results. Time to get one against an elite team.

NYCFC, meanwhile, have given up seven goals in their last three games. The only win in that stretch came against 10-man, Jozy-less Toronto FC. Needless to say, Dome Torrent isn’t particularly happy with how his team is playing, and he isn’t afraid to say it. Thankfully for them, David Villa is back is help lead the push for the Supporters’ Shield and a CCL berth.

This is a Decision Day preview, and a damn good one.

Vancouver Whitecaps FC vs. New York Red Bulls

7 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Let’s chat about the player both teams wanted, but neither may be able to keep.

That’d be Tim Parker, who went from SuperDraft pick to rising star in Vancouver and now missing piece to, depending on what happens this offseason, missing man in New York. In case you didn’t know, Parker is currently in the final year of his contract. He could sign a pre-contract with a club outside MLS at any time.

But he hasn’t, which means the Red Bulls have some hope that they’ll be able to keep the Parker-Aaron Long partnership together long-term. If RBNY can get the Long Island native re-upped, that’d give the club a pair of 25-year-old centerbacks and arguably the league’s best central defensive pairing for years to come. If they can’t, it’s back to the drawing board.

Anyway, Parker returns to BC Place at the head of the Supporters’ Shield race. The ‘Caps, meanwhile, just took a beating from TFC midweek in the second and decisive leg of the Canadian Championship final. The Red Bulls are chasing something bigger than the playoffs. Vancouver are just trying to get back there for the second straight season.

Some questions ahead of this game…

Will the dominant version of Alphonso Davies show up after returning from injury?

If Davies isn’t dominant, how will Vancouver generate scoring opportunities? New York aren’t likely to shoot themselves in the foot the way Portland did.

How will Chris Armas configure the Red Bulls press, considering the ‘Caps figure to go direct?

Will Armas rotate the squad given the midweek Heineken Rivalry Week matchup at Yankee Stadium?

Montreal Impact vs. Chicago Fire

7:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

The Impact are holding on by a thread in the Eastern Conference, while the Fire are in a full-on, seven-game-losing-streak nosedive. Playoff teams win games like this. Do either of these teams belong in the playoffs? That’s very much TBD.

Because Doyle started it and Nacho Piatti can never get enough love, here are my top five wingers in MLS in 2018:

Carlos Vela

Ignacio Piatti

Alphonso Davies

Yamil Asad

Romell Quioto

Yes, we may disagree about the definition of winger. Your list goes in the comment section below.

FC Dallas vs. Minnesota United

8 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Any game (hopefully) featuring Darwin Quintero is worth your time.

Sporting Kansas City vs. Portland Timbers

8:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Can Krisztian Nemeth thrive as a No. 9 for Kansas City? Guess we’re about to find out.

Either way, the Timbers didn’t deal well with D.C.’s attack on Wednesday, which featured a No. 9 who preferred to drop a little deeper, a bunch of slashers with vision for the final pass in support and two athletic, energetic central midfielders. That sounds a lot like Sporting KC.

This one could shuffle the hierarchy out West.

Houston Dynamo vs. Real Salt Lake

9 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Every home game from here on our is a must-win for the Dynamo. Fortunately, Real Salt Lake are verified patsies away from Rio Tinto Stadium (1-9-2), which they proved midweek against LAFC.

If the Dynamo win, their playoff hopes live on. If they lose their fifth straight, there’s always the U.S. Open Cup final.

On the flip side, RSL have lost to Minnesota and LAFC and drawn Colorado, San Jose and Montreal in their last six games. The lone win in that stretch was against Chicago, losers of seven straight, thanks to Damir Kreilach.

Those early-July wins against Sporting KC and FC Dallas are looking pretty fluky right about now, and Vancouver and Seattle are breathing down their necks for the final playoff spot. This would be a good time to pick up a result of any kind. The schedule only gets harder from here.

San Jose Earthquakes vs. Toronto FC

10 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

I’m guessing you saw those Jozy Altidore transfer rumors.

For my money, he’s Toronto’s best player, and they’ll be an MLS Cup contender for as long as he’s in The Six. Not having him this weekend makes that red card against NYCFC a potentially six-point blow that the Reds simply can’t afford.

Given each team’s respective place in the table, this is a must-win for Toronto. They’re still the most talented team in the league, top to bottom. As we’ve found out, talent can only get you so far. They’re better than the teams competing for the five and six spots in the East, but the defending champs better hurry up and stack points or it’s going to be too late.

Soccer Sunday

Atlanta United vs. Columbus Crew SC

4 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Is this where I go ahead and #Baerantee Joesf Martinez ties the single-season goal record this weekend? Because that’s what’s going to happen.

You should watch this game for three reasons…

Josef accomplishing the inevitable, and maybe even breaking the record … in August (!!!).

To see whether 2018 Orlando City Justin Meram or 2014-2017 Columbus Crew SC Justin Meram shows up. This is an opportunity to prove he’s back where he belongs on a big stage.

Both these teams have distinct identities and play attractive, attacking soccer. What more could you want from a Sunday afternoon?

D.C. United vs. New England (FS1)

7:30 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

Don’t tune in for soccer broadcasting history. Tune in because Lisa Byington (play-by-play), Danielle Slaton (analyst) and Katie Witham (sideline) are knowledgeable, engaging and good at what they do. You can listen to ExtraTime Radio’s interview with Witham for more on Sunday’s all-female FS1 broadcast and the art of sideline reporting below.

There may not be a better game to call this weekend than this one, a six-pointer in every sense of the cliche.

A D.C. United win would pull them within two points of New England with three games in hand on the Revs. Depending on what Montreal (vs. CHI) and Philly (vs. NYC) pull in from Week 25, Señor Wayne and the boys could find themselves within three points of the final playoff spot come Monday with a minimum of two games in hand on the rest of the field with nine more home games remaining. Prettttttttayyyyyy good.

The Revs desperately need all three points to stave off the collapse that’s currently staring them in the face. Three facts for you…

For the first time since Week 3, New England find themselves below the playoff line

The Revs are 1-4-4 since beating the Red Bulls on June 2

Six of their next eight games, are away from home, where they’ve won once all season

Those aren’t tidings of comfort and joy for Brad Friedel. Then again, New England didn’t play midweek, and ought to be able to unleash their press (and perhaps new center back Michael Mancienne) against some tired D.C. legs.

It probably won’t matter because Wayne Rooney, Lucho Acosta and the rest of D.C.’s suddenly swashbuckling squad are on a heater right now. Belief is contagious, and everything seems to be working for the Black-and-Red right now. Tell me why they can’t make the playoffs…

If you said, “Because Rooney, sans preseason, can’t possibly play at this level for the next two months in swampy D.C.,” you might have a point.

DC better have a NASCAR style pit team for Rooney if they want to utilize him as efficiently as possible during their crowded schedule of games. They need him playing as many minutes as possible.

— Jay W. Riddle (@jay_riddle) August 16, 2018

My retort would be that, other than two trips to New York, Ben Olsen and Rooney will be able to manage his load from the comforts of home. Play games, rest and repeat for the better part of two months, just as he would during a multi-front European campaign. The more wins D.C. pile up, the more Rooney can rest.

“I think I’ve been in this situation many times,” Rooney told reporters this week. “It’s probably more normal for me to do that. You calm down a little bit with your training but you make sure you’re ready for matchday, and that’s what I’ve done the last couple days.”

Colorado Rapids vs. LAFC

10 pm ET | Match Preview | TV & streaming info

I ran the numbers and there’s a 12 billion percent chance Christian Ramirez scores more for LAFC the rest of the way than Angelo Rodriguez does for MNUFC.

— Matthew Doyle (@MattDoyle76) August 16, 2018

Math has never been Doyle’s strong suit, but I’m going to go ahead and #Baerantee he’s right here — and not just because Christian Ramirez bagged two in his first start in black and gold.

Ramirez has better attacking players around him in SoCal, figures to hold onto the starting job as long as he’s scoring regardless of the status of Adama Diomande’s hamstring — and LAFC have a Charmin-soft schedule compared to Minnesota’s prolonged (and probably season-dooming) road trip. I bet he keeps scoring.

Colorado aren’t pushovers anymore, though, so who knows?

One More Thing to Ponder

Live look at Matt Doyle in Cabo…

Have a good weekend everybody!

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Wiebe: Your complete guide to MLS Week 25 was originally published on 365 Football

[divinelydivorced]

Javier Returns...

(Reader Suggestion: If you have not read the previous two postings from a year ago called Javier and Javier, Part Two, you should go back and get caught up on this wild Argentinian adventure.)

We reconnected recently when Facebook suggested we be friends. Oh, Facebook…constantly stirring up trouble.  Always a little too curious, I clicked “Add Friend.”  Then I immediately canceled the request.  Think this through, Lisa.  Okay…let’s think.  Well, I am single.  Although I’d like to give my last relationship another try, my ex made it clear this past week that he feels quite the opposite, so it is time to move on. Although, I had decided to not date for a while and just take some room to breathe.  But it was Javier.  Javier.  You didn’t date Javier, you had fun with Javier.  I clicked “Add Friend,” closed my laptop and resolved to let fate take its course.

Within minutes (because, yes, I kept checking-screw fate) he had accepted.  Then we both waited, with neither initiating contact that night.  To be honest, after a good night’s sleep, I awoke fairly content with our new friend status and happy to leave it at that.  The simple click of the button had satisfied my need for something exciting and perhaps getting together again would be too rash. Yes, I thought, this is what mature adults do.

About 48 hours after we declared our friendship to the world, he sent a message.  Ah-ha! Apparently, I had more will power. He asked how I was doing, how yoga was going, etc.  I waited a bit, then replied that it was good (more small talk), then asked how he was. Javier is not one for idle chit chat. So, he abruptly replied, “Fine. All good.”  It was quickly followed with, “Maybe I misunderstood but I am assuming u reached out bc u want to get together?  Let me know.  Otherwise hope it is all good on your end.”  Well, so much for being just friends.

I quickly blamed Facebook for pushing us together again but replied (trying to sound totally breezy), “Sure, if you want to get together that would be nice.”  As soon as I hit send, I panicked.  This time around, I really should be more in charge of the situation. Doorways and laps and liquor and yelling down the street…it was too much.  Inevitably each time I’d turned into a giggling idiot.  

So, in an effort to avoid straddling a motorcycle and his thighs under a streetlamp, I immediately followed up with “We should do something adventurous.  Let’s go rock climbing!”  To which he agreed.

We met on a Sunday evening.  I made sure to get there quite early so this time I had the upper hand.  Sure enough, as I was in a corner filling out a waiver, I heard him walk in.  Unlike his “wide open, staring straight at the entrance” stance from previous times, I took the opposite approach.  With my back towards the door, I focused on the questions in front of me as if I didn’t care if he ever showed up.  Out of my peripheral he watches me.  He comes closer.  I continue to stare at the form.  Closer.  Staring. Closer.  Staring but very much aware of his breath hitting my neck. Closer still…and then he bumps me with his hip, pulls away, and laughs.  He believes he snuck up on me…good.  (Like the ballerina…let him falsely believe I am the weak one and he is in control.)

We begin climbing and within minutes I realize I am not a climber.  It’s not that I don’t have the ability.  It’s that I don’t have the ability NOR do I have the desire.   So, I give it a couple of rounds and then take a voyeur approach. He climbs and climbs.  He falls.  Then he climbs some more…and falls some more.  The whole thing was really quite amusing.  Not just him but the other men around us.  The facility’s tag line should be, “For those in need of a testosterone boost.”

The whole thing is far more complicated than it looks.  To his credit, he never stopped asking for guidance from other climbers.  He would watch their moves, mimic them, and when he couldn’t quite get it, he’d ask for additional pointers.  Each time, the same spot would trip him up and he’d have to let go and hop down.  At one point, in a continuous movement, he leaps down, scoops me up, and sits both of us on the ground against the wall.  He sighs and stretches his sore hand.  Then he looks at me with a smile and says in his thick accent, “I know what you are doing. You brought me here to break me down. You wish to break down my masculinity. This I know to be true.”  I giggle, but this time because I realize he may be right.  When I don’t deny it, he runs his hands through his thick hair, lunges towards the wall, and in an attempt to use pure adrenalin tries to make it the top.  But down he comes with a swear and a laugh, as if he is applauding the wall as the victor.

He sits next to me.  We talk about life, where we have been and how we’ve grown in the last year.  I forgot how good he was at conversation.  He asked about my relationship, the man I’d committed to, causing me not to see him anymore.  I told him it had ended and when he asked why, I said I still wasn’t sure…that I was quite sad still about the whole thing really.  It felt okay to tell him this and he didn’t seem to mind.  In fact, his deep gaze showed there was an appreciation in the honesty of my words.  He let me have a few moments of silence as my mind and heart slipped back into the memory of that past relationship…wondering where he was and if he missed me at that very moment.  It wasn’t until I brought my gaze back to his, with a soft smile, that he gave me a very gentle kiss on the head.  He really can be quite sweet when he so chooses.  

He asked if we should climb some more and I said perhaps we should.  He again tried to tackle the same spot in the wall and continued to come tumbling down. His hands were getting tired I could see, so in an effort to take a break he slid back down beside me, scooped me up onto his lap and kissed my face.  I told him to stop because I didn’t believe rock climbing was big on public displays of affection but this only made him try to kiss me more.  

Sliding off of his lap while I laughed and he laughed, he said, “You’ve made my hands tired.  You’ve made my hands so tired that now I cannot grab you.  You can run away from me as I try to catch you and fail. This is why you’ve brought me here.” We then, being quite silly, act it out as if he’s trying to get his hands to hold me but I slip out.  This amuses us greatly and no one else seems to mind.

We begin to talk more, this time about what the week holds.  I go through my usual schedule, which is busy but not exciting.  Then he says, he will be gone for five days.  When I ask why, he stares off dreamingly and says, “I must go ride a bull.”  He continues to look away, pondering.  I replied with the normal response to someone saying they are leaving in two days to ride a bull: “I’m sorry, what?”  He then repeats himself, as if I had simply not heard him.  I explained I had heard him, quite clearly in fact, but needed more details to fully understand what was happening.

He then explained he met a man not too long ago who had just come from riding a bull in Missouri.  To hear the man tell of this adventure, to admit he would never do it again, to describe the exhilaration and the terror, he knew he must go.  So, he asked who to contact, made the call, paid the bill and started telling everyone in an effort to prevent himself from backing out.  Now, as he put it simply, “I must go.”

He asked what I thought and I said, “Well, I’m vegan, so I’m not thrilled to say the least.”  He said, “Ah, yes.  I remember this about you.”  Then I asked if he was scared, to which he replied, “Yes, of course.  It is a bull.  A bull.”  Then he said, “But think of when I come back.  Someone wants to challenge me.  I say, ‘Yeah, it is okay, sure.  But when you have ridden a bull, then we will talk.’”  He laughs at himself, knowing he will use this in many debates, knowing it will fuel his ego, and believing it to be one of his most brilliant ideas.  Then, just as I was writing him off as a typical man, he says, beaming, “Plus. Think of my kids.  Other kids will say ‘my dad does this’ and ‘my dad does that.’ My kid?  My kid will say, ‘my dad rode a bull!’”  And with that he scoops me back up onto his lap, attempts to make me kiss him, and then puts me aside as he runs toward the wall yet again.  As he slips off once more, he declares we are done.

We turn in our equipment and head outside. Our cars are parked in different directions and I’ve made it clear the night will go no further.  He puts distance between us and we smile at one another, another game of chicken.  Neither wanting to give in but both too tired to wait, we walk towards one another at the same time.  He scoops me up in his arms and is lifting me high as he walks down the street carrying me towards his car.  He screams, “I’ve got you now!  I can still catch you.  What will you do?” as I laugh and squeal, my head tossed back.  We’ve made a scene yet again, him yelling unabashedly and me a giggling fool.  Inevitably some woman who just got dumped will drive by, see us, and wonder how she finds something like that.  It’s the same thing I’ve thought so many times, lonely and heartbroken. Everything looks different from the outside.  We appear to be two lovers who happened to find each other in this crazy world. When really, we are just a small-town vegan girl craving adventure and a man about to ride a bull.  

After biting my ear many times, he puts me down and just holds me.  He wants to kiss me and I say he can but only if it is sweet.   He does not like this but I keep pushing his face away with my hand until he realizes I’m not joking.  He concedes, giving me a very gentle kiss on the lips and then one on the forehead.  (So, he does have it in him.)  He wants me to come home with him.  I say no. He wants to see me again.  I am silent as I smile.  He doesn’t like to wait.  I look into his deep brown eyes, slip out from under his embrace, and as I start to walk away say, “Go.  Go ride your bull.  If you make it back alive, call me.”