#which I didn't see because different ending

[district4loading]

Pathetic

Twice Sana x Male Reader

4k words

Content Warning: smut, cheating, mix of degrading and praise

Minors DNI

A/N: First of all I wanna say thank you so much for the support on my latest fic! It motivates me to put out more for you guys and I really appreciate it.

So so so sorry to the person that wanted female reader next, I PROMISE its coming. This is just some smut that was in my drafts, i figured I'd post it while I write the next fic I plan on uploading.

This is cut from a longer fic I wrote a little bit ago. I won't be posting the entire thing because I took alot of inspiration from a different fic I read. Not the smut though, the smut is all my writing so that's why I'm sharing it with you all.

(Also when I mention "Kim Minji" I'm talking about Jiu from Dreamcatcher.)

-

"You're pathetic"

-

One bad night was all it took, an argument with your wife over the way you looked at the intern at work earlier that day. You swore you weren't looking because 'no co-workers' was the rule in your open marriage and you would always honor that. Even if it wasn't, you knew that they didn't like each other so it'd be nothing short of betrayal to fuck someone who hated your wife. So no matter how incredible the girl looked in her short dresses and her tiny mini skirts, she was forbidden fruit.

Minji couldn't trust you though, she knew your type and could spot that look in your eye from a mile away. So she waited until you both got home to confront you about it. Of course, you denied even looking the interns way—a lie, might I add—then it turned into a screaming match, the hatred she had for her subordinate much more prevalent in her fiery eyes.

It ended with a slam of your bedroom door and the expectation that you'd sleep on the couch that night, which you did.

That's basically how you spent the following weekend, not talking to each other and only being painfully cold and passive aggressive when you did. You never liked to fight, it always felt so cold and empty, sleeping in different rooms waiting for the other to apologize. Days had passed, still barely any communication as your weekend fight bled into the weekdays. At work you kept things cordial, still not communicating much at all.

Everyone could tell, people at work could tell, there was a certain coldness in the both of you. You two were similar in that way, being extra shitty to your co-workers when things weren't going well at home. That and the fact that you chose to eat alone at lunch rather than with her.

You were in your office spending your lunch eating some ordered fast food while trying to catch up to a deadline when you heard your door open. Assuming it's one of your assistants you say "I'm on my lunch break, come back in thirty" without even looking up from your computer.

In your peripheral vision, you see the person instead step into your office and close the door behind them. Actually looking up this time, you open your mouth to speak, but the words fail to come out. It's the intern, Sana and she looks incredible. Her hair is straight and black today, very different from her usual brown wavy look but she pulled it off all the same. She wore a cute black dress, its material velvet and its collar white with three cute silver buttons down the midline. Then your eyes drift to her legs. Bare, pale and slim, not to mention there wasn't a bruise, scab or blemish in sight.

"Minatozaki, if you're looking for Mrs. Kim, she should be in her office" You throat goes dry, immediately noticing the interns quick move to lock the door behind her, a mischievous grin on her face.

"She's my boss, I know where she is. If I was looking for her, I would've went to her" Sana rolls her eyes and approaches your desk, leaning forwards to place her palms flat against the maple wood, straightening her arms as well. You look above your desktop, meeting her eyes for a split second before hearing alarms ringing distantly in the back of your mind.

You dart your eyes back to the paper you were working on then you gather up the thread of authority you have left to say "I can't imagine there would be anything you'd want from me, we work in completely different departments and.." You make eye contact for a moment "No disrespect but you're just an intern, so if you could please unlock the door and see your way out.." You say it so non chalantly, almost catching her confident demeanor shift at your passive aggressive tone.

Sana chews on her bottom lip for a bit "Oh don't be like that Mr. L/n..." She fake pouts, acting as if she's oh-so upset about your tone and in a way it was sexy. It's the way she drags out the words all slow in that sweet voice of hers, God it's killing  you. "I just noticed that Mrs. Kim's been extra bitchy this week... you know, at first I thought maybe she's on her period but then I noticed you two are barely talking to each other. Trouble in Paradise?" She asks, circling around your desk to stand beside you.

You look over with a fake polite grin on your face, making the grave mistake of rolling your chair back and turning it so you could face her. "That's really none of your business"

"Oh please, your open marriage is everybody's business" Sana chuckles for a moment and she leans down, holding herself up on the armrests of your chair. You mean to scoot the chair back as far as it can go, stand up and demand that she leave with your voice stern but instead you freeze. You fucking freeze, realizing how close she is and those ringing alarms from before? They turn into blaring sirens "So, why don't you tell me what happened? Whose fault is it? Yours or hers? She fuck someone she's not supposed to?"

It takes you a second to blink, then you swallow hard as you feel your body begin to burn, that nervous heat in your armpits. You catch a whiff of her perfume and it's fucking heavenly, some warm mix of vanilla and maybe cinnamon. Then her face, her beautiful face, one that could've only been hand sculpted by God himself. Her pink lipgloss only making her plump lips look all the more delectable and—fuck you're staring way too hard. "Listen, you're - you're way too close right now"

Sana leans down even closer and conveniently, if you were to look a few millimeters down, you'd be able to see her cleavage pouring out of her dress. "I'm just as close as I need to be, Sir" She says and there's that smirk again, that fucking smirk, the one that says 'I know i've got this mother fucker right where I want him' Now there's a thumping sound that begins filling your ears and it takes a second for you to realize it's your heart.

"I'm married, you should know this is very inappropriate and- "

A whimper escapes your lips the moment she makes a move to straddle your legs. "You're in an open relationship, so this..." She puts her hands on your shoulders "Is fine"

"We have certain boundaries, certain rules that aren't to be broken.. it's what makes us work"

She pokes her bottom lip out and looks at you through her lashes "Am I a boundary?"

"Of course you are! I know you and my wife aren't exactly the best of friends and to be frank, you're a stuck up, entitled brat who seriously needs a fucking reality check" You tell her and for the first time it actually sounds as if you have some sort of backbone but Sana doesn't flinch, make a face or get upset.

She just tilts her head "If i'm so bad, then why am I still on your lap?" She pauses, then looks down observing exactly how your body has betrayed you "And why are you hard?" She asks with a false-innocent tone, God you hated when she used that voice because she just sounded so stupidly sexy. She leans in closer to you, just by your ear "How about you give me a reality check" Her breath is warm as it brushes past your ear lobe.

Then you lose it, like actually lose it. Your hands find their way to her waist and you squeeze, hard enough that it elicits a sharp gasp from her. You pull her forwards and your bodies are now closer than ever, she leans down, arms wrapped loosely around your neck before your lips are pressed together. It's nothing like a rom-com, where the two main characters kiss and suddenly fireworks go off and it's magical and wholesome. No, this was pure raw lust, so strong that if it had a scent, the room would fucking reek of it.

Your lips move together so messily—sloppily as if you're genuinely trying to absolutely devour each other. Sana shoves her tongue into your mouth and you can taste her lipgloss, sweet strawberries, so intoxicating it all made your vision start to blur like a lucid dream. But this is no dream, this is real and the it's the sinful desire that makes it feel so good.

Now she's rocking her hips, whining and humming into your mouth as you suck each others lips swollen. She kisses your cheek and then deviates all the way down to your neck. You sigh a pleasureful breath "I shouldn't be doing this" You mutter, but make no effort to push her off.

She slides back then works on unbuttoning your shirt. "But you want to, I know you do" Her tongue darts out to wet her lips even more than they already were as she focused on getting your shirt off "God, how many fucking buttons.." She whispers to herself with a hot frustration.

This is wrong. You know it's wrong, hell your mind is yelling at you, sending an army of receptors to stimulate your brain to form a coherent rejection. Something mean enough that'll make this evil seductress leave the your office crying. It doesn't work in the slightest, you can't control the way you grip her waist or the way your head stirs from the feeling of being under her.

Sana finally finishes opening your button up "How'd I know you'd have a perfect body?" She mumbled, allowing her cute black nails to scrape against the hard surface of your chest and torso. Your hands drifted, eager to finally get a feel of those legs you've been leering at since day one. They were even softer than you imagined, you grabbed them softly, refraining from digging your fingernails into them. You just couldn't bring yourself to ruin such beautiful skin just yet.

"Sana" You say her name, low and deep, still not taking your eyes off of the way her thighs seem so tiny in your hands. With one hand still on her thigh, your dominant one slides up her dress and you pull her so called panties to the side. The material feels so thin and lacy, you couldn't even for sure call it underwear. "You're already dripping for me" You announce, sliding the pad of your middle finger up and down her slit, just slightly parting her lips so that it can graze against her clit ever so slightly when you reach the top. Her body jerks as you do, a tight gasp escaping her lips.

She's grinding on the pad of your fingers now and you're just watching—observing how she was so desperate, so needy for you. For you. She needed you to do something so badly but you wouldn't yet. It was frustrating her, of course but she just refused to open her mouth to say something so you do "Go ahead Sana, beg for it, tell me exactly what you want" You say it softly, slight rasp in your voice only adding to her burning arousal.

It takes her a moment before she can actually communicate words that didn't sound like pathetic whines. Still, moving her hips on your now stationary hand she mutters "I d-don't beg." She says it so weakly without even an ounce of conviction in her tone. What a fucking brat. You slip your hand from under her dress and they're on her waist again, then you pull her forwards and sit her directly over the rock hard bulge between your legs. She gasps, wet core directly on your clothed cock and when she moves to grind she realizes she can't because you are holding her still.

"You know, my lunch break will be over in a little under 20 minutes. Then people will be in and out of here like clock work and you?" You pause, taking a second to admire her beautiful face. From those pink pouty lips all the way to those dark and lustful eyes. "You'll be walking out of here un-touched and so wet that it's leaking down your thighs" You chuckle for a moment and shake your head "Is that what you want Sana?"

"mm-mm" She shakes her head, then looks deep into your eyes as if the thought of walking out of your office unsatisfied was the worst possible thing that could ever happen in life. "Please Sir, please - I need you inside of me please, please Sir"

You push her back a bit, then slide your dominant hand back under her dress. Your fingers come back into contact with her core and she's looking at you, her eyes begging-pleading for you to take her right here, right now in your office. Ever so slowly, you push your middle and ring fingers inside. She took them easy, a long whine escaping her lips when you curl your fingers "Fuck - thank you sir, thank you, thank you, thank you—" She's chanting in short breaths, her eyes screwing shut the moment you begin to pump in and out.

It's so wet, the sticky sound echoing throughout the otherwise empty office. Her walls hugged you tightly, only making your cock throb even more in your pants when you realized that you were going to be inside of her. Inside of this perfect fucking pussy. "So fucking tight, baby" You mutter as she mirrors your movements, grinding down on your fingers. She's moaning and whining so loud you think someone will hear, but you don't care anymore. Sana looks amazing like this, like she's made for this. To be on your fingers, rutting like a needy slut on top of you as she tries to get them much deeper than they could go.

"Oh - Fuck yes... just like that sir" She cuts herself off with a gasp "That feels so fucking good" You're allowing the pad of your fingers to press against her g-spot and you can tell its driving her crazy. By the way she's moving her hips and squeezing your arms for leverage, she's fucking loving this. Everything about Sana is just obscene. From the way she curses in that filthy tone to the way she's shamelessly

Now her breathing is erratic, like she's about to have a panic attack or faint, and you can feel her walls massaging you. "Are you gonna cum already?" You mutter almost in awe as you stare at her beautiful face. She was so pretty with her eyes closed and her head hung from the embarrassment of being so needy and horny. Then she was soaking, her arousal running down your fingers.

"I - fuck sir - please" She tries to respond, nodding frantically as she begins moaning unabashedly in your face. Her breath warm and shaky as it escapes her lips "Ah - Please make me cum sir, please make me fucking cum" Sana's begging now, pridefully without any kind of shame even though she was in a really shameful position. Riding her superior's fingers on his lap in his office where there's a big ass window in the door. If someone looked through at the right angle, she would've been caught and she knew that. Hell, she gets off on it.

The stirring in your pants gets more persistent, more impatient and it's fucking aching. So you slide your fingers out and for a moment, Sana's still whining and grinding, her fucked out brain still not registering the loss of touch yet. You grab her legs and stand up, then you place her on the desk, right next to your computer and you begin unzipping your pants. "Oh fuck yes daddy please give me your cock" She bites her bottom lip and gives you a look and it almost makes you growl.

Your pants are at your ankles along with your boxers and you're pulling her closer, her legs loosely wrapping around your waist. "You're a real fucking slut" You grab her face, squeezing her cheeks so her lips sort of smush together. In your grip, she nods the best she can, a hot 'mm-hmm' leaving her throat. There's a moment you take to just look into her eyes, the way her eyebrows were upturned, the look of pure fucking want in her eyes. God it was ruining you.

"I can be your personal slut if you'd like, sir" She says it like she's pleading after you let go of her face. Then you hike her dress up a bit more and you're finally lining yourself up. You press the fat tip against her entrance and she winces and looks down. She's holding onto your arms to brace herself "Fuck, it's so big - want you to fucking stretch me"

God she's so filthy, in the way she speaks, moves and stares at you it's unbelievable and you fucking love it. You know you should hate it, you should be disgusted with her. Practically throwing herself at a married man all to spite his wife, her boss at that. You should fucking hate her for the things she's said to Minji and the fact that she hates her. But you just can't get over her body, the way she walks, the way she talks, the way she does fucking anything with that pretty face of hers.

You slide your cock into of her entrance ever so slowly, immediately feeling the tight grip of her warm walls. "Holy shit" You groan and Sana's gone silent, her jaw slack as she looks up and directly into the white light in the ceiling with her eyebrows furrowed. "So - fucking - tight" Your teeth are clenched as you're grunting finally making it all the way to the hilt.

Then you stop for a moment, pulling her even closer "You're so fucking deep i - please fuck me sir, please" You do exactly as she says, pulling your hips back just to thrust all the way back in and she lets out a moan so guttural that it had to have been stuck the back of her throat. Then you're in more of a rhythm, fucking the tight, smooth hole that she's just letting you have. "That's right - fucking use me - oh God"

She's more than just enjoying herself and you're both moaning way louder than you should be. But everything's just too much, because you're a thousand degrees, sweaty and tousled. You can't smell it but you know the room reeks of that pungent aroma, one that could only be recognized for what it was—what it could only be. Sex.

You lean over, resting your head in the crook of her neck so that your lips can come into contact with the salty flesh. "You feel so fucking good - God" You mumble on her skin, licking, kissing, sucking all to make everything feel all the more overstimulating to her. It was something you never thought you'd ever say, but she felt the best out of almost any girl you've ever been with. There was something uniquely warm, tight and moist about her that you've never felt before.

"Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - please don't stop sir, please keep fucking me like that." You can't get enough of her, you wouldn't even stop if you wanted to. Then you're reaching your hand down, tongue still licking her neck as you press your fingers against her swollen clit. The poor thing was practically begging for attention before you got to it. You circled your fingers around it in a way which matched your thrusts.

Now Sana was really seeing stars, like actual stars, her vision even going black at some points. You knew you had her when you first felt her legs begin to shake, then the rhythmic pulsing inside. You lightly bite her ear "There you go baby, cum for me" You whisper so hotly that it's got her right on the edge.

"Yeah" She whispers, her voice shaking breathily and then she gets louder "G-Gonna - Fuck" It's erratic, the way she's moving so rigidly and the insane grip you have on her waist isn't doing any favors. "You're gonna make me cum, you're gonna make me fucking cum" Sana's nodding her head.

Then her back is arched, pushing her chest into yours and she's toppling over the edge. Her moans beautifully silent, caught in her throat as her body stutters and shakes erratically. "That's a Good girl, Sana" You encourage her, knowing that she'd love the praise.

Once she recovers, you don't slow down, in fact you're speeding up almost choking as you now recognize how pent up and sensitive you are. Like you could explode any fucking minute. You know it and Sana does from the way you're heaving and panting like a beat dog. The way your face is red, and then the serious concentration. She squeezes her legs tighter around your waist "Please cum in me sir - wanna feel you filling me up" She moans erotically.

You shiver at this, hearing the words come out of her mouth so fucking easily.. "I can't" Are the only words you can mutter without your voice breaking, it's almost humiliating. But she wants it, she wants it so bad.

"Yes you can" She wraps her arms around your neck and pulls you close, her mouth near your ear now. "Come on daddy, breed me. Mark your fucking territory" she eggs you on in that perfect voice of hers and you almost fucking malfunction. This girl is so dangerous. You mean to pull out, you really do but all of a sudden you can't make yourself stop when you begin shooting your load inside. Fucking it deep inside of her womb, like really deep and she's moaning so loud as if she's the one cumming. She's getting off on it.

The two of you stay like that for a bit, God knows how long with your heads empty and your bodies sweaty. When you finally pull out, your cock already soft. Sana giggles a bit, then pulls her panties back over her raw cunt and she slowly slides herself off of your desk. You're pulling your pants up, fixing your belt and then your button up as she tidy's up her dress. "I shouldn't have done that" You sigh, immediately feeling the regret hit you like a truck now that the lust has withered away.

"Come on, it's not like your marriage is exclusive"

You sit in your chair, leaning forwards as you bury your hands in your face, smelling Sana on them. "We have fucking rules Sana, and i broke them all" You're thinking about what you'll tell Minji, how badly this'll probably fucking hurt her. Way to go, you went ahead and fucked a load into the only girl your wife hates. The one you promised that she didn't have to worry about. Sana opens her mouth to say something else but you don't want to hear it "Please get out and... don't tell anybody about this"

"Okay" She says, but she says it sarcastically, like she doesn't take you seriously. You get up from your chair as she puts her hand on the door knob "I'm fucking serious, Sana. Nobody, not your friends, not our co-workers and certainly not-"

"Mrs. Kim?" She finishes your thought, tilting her head. "You're pathetic, let go of me" She scoffs then snatches her arm from your hands then continues to exit your office. You exhale deeply, and you punch the wall, not hard enough to leave a hole but hard enough to leave a bruise. So you immediately regret it, shaking the hand you used.  Sana was right, you were pathetic.

"This can't happen again" You tell yourself out loud as if it'll make your words true.

It doesn't.

[mlyscha]

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 𝒮leep 𝓸ver 𝗺𝗼vies.

★ ( 언하이픈 OT7 ) ── 𝓡EACTION: when you sleep in the middle of a movie night. genre. fluff, kind of domestic. 𝒻ℯ𝗆𝖺𝗅𝖾 𝗿𝖾𝖺𝒹𝖾𝗋! warnings. not proofread, english is not my 1st language. 𝓌𝒸. 1,OOO ♡ 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾𝗌, 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝖻𝗅𝗈���𝗌 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱! ( 𝐦𝖺𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍. )

𝒜!NOTE. i am back from the deathㅠㅠ i’m so sorry for disappearing you guys… oh boy this was A WEEK i might say. um, first of all! thank you guys for 200+ followers i promise this on comeback i will prepare something special! anyway, enjoy what i have written for you and tell me what you guys think about this new layout i am currently exploring ><

𝒽eeseung ( 희승 )

hearing your giggles or gasps during a movie night is something heeseung got used to, so, whenever he senses something feels a little bit off, he looks to his side checking on you ― knowing you well enough to tell that you were asleep. at first heeseung sighs because he made sure to ask you if you were sleepy before the movie started. however, in a caring way, he will make sure to take that snickers bar away from your grip, put it to the side, place a small kiss on your cheek, look at you for a minute, smile and then turn the movie off. the next day you wake up with your boyfriend with his head snuggled against your neck and the sun against your face, blinding you for a second. you didn't woke you with a sore body or anything, thanks to the comfy sofa!

𝒿ongseong ( 제이 )

you and your boyfriend had this movie night tradition, in which, every weekend there was a movie to watch together while cuddled up in bed. tonight couldn't be more different, and that applies to you being fast asleep against jongseong's chest; with not even half of the movie watched. your boyfriend knew how much you had worked throughout the week, hearing all of your struggles and complains, so, with that being said, he didn't and don't mind when it happens. he simply, carefully covers you better with the blanket, places a kiss on your forehead and caresses your hair until the movie ends and also ends being fast asleep. and the next day when you wake up with the smell of his cooking/baking, you wondered what have you done to be this lucky.

𝒿aeyun ( 제이크 )

while snuggling yourself under the blankets with your boyfriend, you complained that you felt tired and that you would probably get caught sleeping. hearing that, jaeyun simply shrugged, entertained by the movie's intro. meanwhile, after you laid your head against his chest you knew you were done. after a few minutes, jaeyun heard small snores and thought it was layla. however, when he realised layla was asleep on his little bed instead of on his feet, he looked over at you; realising it was actually you. watching you sleep in such a vulnerable state made his heart melt, murmuring in a small voice: "how can she look this cute...?"; then he proceeds to kiss your cheek and watches your nose scrunching with a grin, carefully placing another on your hair hoping you didn't wake up. the next morning when you hear him commenting that he thought layla was the one snoring instead of you, you felt like dying ― but it's part of the couple life!

𝓈unghoon ( 성훈 )

you are usually the one insisting to watch a certain movie, and when sunghoon agrees you sleep; is simple as that. your boyfriend, when realises you are blinking in a slower way and that your shoulders feel relaxed, he pinches your arm, smile when sees you frowning with a hint of annoyance and says: "you're sleeping again, huh? think you can trick me now?" "i am not sleeping!" "whatever you say...". not a long time after, sunghoon heard you breathing deeply ― a sign that you were fast asleep. with that, he chuckles out of amusement and disbelief, rubbing his thumb against your cheek while admiring you. he sighs before turning the tv off and carefully picking you up, carrying you to sleep on the comfy bed recently bought and not forgetting to give you a kiss before laying by your side.

𝓈unoo ( 선우 )

one thing that you love in your relationship is how much your partner understands you and looked after you, and that is related to these movie nights. both of your faces covered with a green face mask, cuddling on bed while a romantic comedy movie plays on tv. it feels so cozy and comfortable that all of the exhaustion during your work lays on you at this exact moment, leading you to a deep sleep. sunoo couldn't ignore the silence of the room when expecting you to laugh on a comic scene. feeling your relaxed body, he immediately knew you were sleeping. without making any sound or abrupt movement, he went to grab a wet towel; coming back just to wipe the face mask off of your face, making sure you slept comfortably without worrying about the green staining anything. your boyfriend wipes his mask off as well, laying on bed by your side and sleeping while hearing the music playing while the movie credits began to show.

𝒿ungwon ( 정원 )

jungwon, even though he is a caring boyfriend, he can be playful too! so, in this case, when watching the movie with you and then realising you were slowly falling into a deep sleep, he whispers into your ear: "are you asleep?" you hum a 'no'. "are you sure?" this time you whine, opening one of your eyes. "what do you want?" "nothing." and then later, when he catches you almost asleep again, he teases: "you are almost asleep!" you wake up this time, whining. "what do you want?!" "nothing." but then, when he turned his head to tease you again, you were prepared, looking at him deep into his eyes. "i am not asleep," "mhm... your eyes says otherwise," "shut up, you are losing the movie's best part." "why are you looking at me then?" "right..." you try to keep watching the movie, but then, finally, jungwon watches you sleep without saying a word, chuckling and giggling in amusement.

𝓇iki ( 니키 )

even though riki is the most playful member, this time he would be considered one of the sweetest. and that is because while spooning (you were the big spoon this time), you began to caresses his hair while watching the first ten minutes of the movie. however, riki caught your caresses lacking, proceeding to slowly look up at you, realising you were asleep. he smiled, letting out a nasal amused chuckle, kissing your chin, then trying his best to carefully switch role with you and be the big spoon. when riki finally did, he took a deep breath, feeling your arms tighten against his waist. he murmurs how cute you looked before placing a last kiss onto the crook of your neck then sleeping while feeling your warmth; hearing the forgotten movie playing on the background.

© 𝓪𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐢𝓮, 𝗺𝗹𝘆𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗮 𝗌𝓽𝓾𝖽𝗂𝗈𝓼. ⋆

[antianakin]

I'll add my own tags since you're responding directly to them.

And now here's your commentary that I'm responding to:

I sort-of wrote this so that it worked with or without the Force sensitivity, that's why I left that particular piece in the tags. The reason Cody finds Obi-Wan less attractive in armor isn't necessarily for a practical reason like Obi-Wan being out of armor means they're more "safe", but because Obi-Wan is more COMFORTABLE out of armor and in his usual Jedi attire and that confidence and comfort in your own skin are going to automatically make someone come across as more attractive, regardless of whether you can pick up Force vibes from them or not. Even in the Force sensitive version of this, Cody's so MILDLY Force sensitive that he has no idea he's picking up on Force vibes anyway and just likes seeing Obi-Wan in Jedi robes over seeing him in armor because it just seems more RIGHT, more HIM.

I also don't think the association of Obi-Wan being out of armor meaning Obi-Wan (and the people around him) are safe would last all that long. Obi-Wan canonically stops wearing the armor maybe a year at most into the war, which means he and the 212th end up in quite a few dangerous situations while Obi-Wan is unarmored and he would go into battle WITHOUT armor for a lot longer than he went in WITH armor. Whatever safety Cody might originally associate with Obi-Wan in Jedi robes wouldn't last beyond that first battle, I imagine.

Maybe it's more that Obi-Wan in Jedi robes represents the Ideal Future that Cody wants. Obi-Wan CAN remove his armor and choose to wear his Jedi attire if he wants to. He can remove some of those markers of being a General in the army and choose to wear something that represents him better. While this could obviously lead to jealousy, that Obi-Wan has a choice that Cody does not have (because while Cody HAS other clothing besides armor presumably, it's still just a military uniform that he didn't choose for himself, so it doesn't really count), Cody instead sees it as the epitome of The Dream. Cody wants to be able to do the same and it's not necessarily something he'd ever considered much before since this is possibly one of the first ever times he sees that sort of difference a change of clothing can make for someone. Cody wants to be able to know what clothes HE'D choose if he had the choice, he wants to know how it feels to wear clothing he chose for himself that has nothing to do with being a soldier. So the attraction perhaps goes beyond just appreciating what Obi-Wan looks like in Jedi clothing or liking that Obi-Wan seems more confident and comfortable in his own skin, and is also an attraction to what Obi-Wan REPRESENTS to Cody.

So Cody's reaction goes kind-of like, "Wow, he's so beautiful without armor."

"I want to be beautiful, too."

Headcanon that Cody actually thinks Obi-Wan is ten times more attractive in his Jedi clothing than he ever was in armor. He doesn't think Obi-Wan is UNATTRACTIVE as such when he's wearing more armor earlier in the war, but one day he sees Obi-Wan with either no armor or just the bracers and something just CLICKS and his jaw drops to the floor because YES, that's exactly how Obi-Wan should always look.

And bonus headcanon that he sees Obi-Wan in Mandalorian armor for whatever Reasons and immediately hates it and thinks it's probably the most unattractive Obi-Wan has ever looked. Obi-Wan finds this absolutely hilarious.

[harknessxo]

Love Is Embarrassing

Paring: Therapist!Agatha Harkness x Fem!reader

Summary: Your girlfriend, Kate, broke up with you and you decided it’s time to get a therapist before you fall down a spiral you can’t get out of.

Warnings; break up, mention of depression, ED, anxiety, manipulation, dubcon, dumbification, fingering, soft if dark!Agatha.

Word Count: 4.6k

A/n: So I did make this fem character based on me a little bit (no I didn’t have an ed I promise I’m fine). I hope it makes sense and you guys alike it!

“Kate, please! Don’t leave…I need you!” You begged your girlfriend through the phone as tears ran down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry Y/n, but it’s over.” Then she hung up. Your phone fell from your hand as your whole body started to tremble. Your mouth fell open with a silent sob as you let her words echo in your mind.

It’s over.

How could she do this to you? You damn near gave up everything for her and she couldn’t even bother to break up with you face-to-face. You even came out to your mother for her only for her to leave you because she couldn’t come out to hers. How could you be so stupid?

Your attachment issues had made you blind in so many relationships which always led to you getting taken advantage of at the end. You should have known better. You knew it was dangerous how attached you had gotten to her in such a short amount of time yet you brushed it off telling yourself she was the one. That she was different. That she wouldn’t hurt you. Jesus, what were you even doing? And now it doesn’t mean a thing.

You sobbed into your pillow as you let sleep take over. This was the final nail in the coffin. You had lost the last person in your life that kept you going. If you didn't do something to get yourself out, you were most definitely going to get completely lost in a spiral…again.

The next morning you woke up with a pounding headache. You got up and slowly walked into the kitchen of your one bedroom apartment to take some advil. As you opened your fridge to get water your eyes diverted to the business card stuck to the door with a magnet. Your college counselor gave it to you a while ago. It had the number to a therapist she had suggested you called. You didn’t listen to her before but now you could definitely use a therapist.

After you took advil, you took the card and your phone and took a seat on your couch. You typed in the number and made the call.

“Good morning, how can I help you?” A sweet secretary answered.

“Good morning um…I was hoping to make an appointment with Dr…” you read the name on the card, “Harkness?”

“Of course. Give me one second while I look at the opening she has.”

“Okay…” you waited patiently.

“…She has an opening tomorrow at 12:30. Is that alright with you?”

“Yes, that’s perfect actually.”

“Great. We’ll see you tomorrow, then. Goodbye.”

“Bye,” you hung up, “I hope this helps,” you said to yourself.

The next day rolled around rather fast, and soon you were sitting in the lobby of Dr. Harkness’s building, nervously waiting for your name to be called out. You fidgeted with your hands and bounced your knee trying to get over your overbearing anxiety.

Eventually, the secretary called your name and led you down a hall. She led you into a nice, spacious room. She then closed the door behind you, leaving you alone, well alone with Dr. Harkness. There was a leather couch with a matching chair across from it, there was a coffee table in between the two with fidget toys on it, and in the corner of the room was a decent sized desk with a laptop, where Agatha sat typing away.

“Um, hi…” you said nervously. Agatha looked up from her laptop, her dark blue eyes locking onto yours. She looked you up and down before giving you a small smile.

“Hello there. You must be Y/n. Please, take a seat.” She gestured to the couch. You quickly walked over and took a seat on the couch. She sat down across from you with a notepad on her lap. She scanned you for a second, taking you in and noticing your fidgety hands.

“Those are for you to use, hon,” she said referring to the fidgets on the table, “You don’t have to be scared to use them. Here,” she handed you a one. You shyly took it from her.

“Thank you. I just…this is a first for me and I didn’t know what to expect.” She gave you a reassuring smile, taking in how nervous you were. She was starting to feel a strange attraction towards you.

“Don’t worry, hon. This is a safe place. Just relax. I’m here to help you, not judge you.”

“Okay…” She jotted something down in her notebook, still keeping a small smile on her face.

“Alright, what brings you in today?”

“…Me and my girlfriend, well now ex-girlfriend Kate, broke up two days ago and I felt like I needed to do something before I spiraled.” She hummed, writing down more notes in her notebook. Her eyes darted from the paper to you, studying you closely as you spoke.

“I see. How did your relationship with her end? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.”

“She said that she wanted to come out to her mom because she hadn’t and pushed me to do the same. My mom reacted negatively in a way I didn’t expect and when I looked for her comfort she broke up with me. I’m guessing she got scared.” She hummed again, still writing in her notebook. She could already see the damage your past relationships had done to you.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, dear. It sounds like she left you in a very vulnerable state. But I have to ask, how long were you two together?”

“Nine months…she was my first girlfriend.”

“First girlfriend huh? Why now, if I may?”

“Well I realized I liked women late in life and I couldn’t really be open about it because I didn’t know how my mom would react so I hid that part of me by dating men.”

“I see. Did any of them make you happy?”

“I…I don’t know. They were all very sweet at first but after we had sex, they all sort of distanced themselves- I thought Kate would be different.” She was starting to see a pattern here. You became incredibly vulnerable to the first person who showed you affection, to the point where they were able to walk all over you. You clearly were easy to manipulate.

“Okay. I just have some more questions. Is that okay?”

“Yeah that’s okay.”

“How was your relationship with your mother?”

“It was a bit rocky. She was good to me when I was younger but as I grew up she became my bully a bit. She would criticize my appearance and my weight which caused me to get an eating disorder. Then she kinda just…stopped.” She raised an eyebrow as you spoke, scribbling down a few more notes in her book. Her eyes then glanced up at you, studying your appearance for a second. Your body type was fairly small, it was clear that you had been dealing with a lot of mental health issues for a long time.

“I’m so truly sorry this happened to you. Was she the only cause or were there other factors that went into it?”

“One of my breakups was the tip of the iceberg. My mental health got really bad and I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything. My mom had to take me to the hospital after she found me passed out due to dehydration.”

Her eyes widened at that. This was even worse than she thought. You were truly so vulnerable. Mommy issues, attachment issues and an eating disorder. She made a mental note to herself to check up on that and any other possible disorders.

“You poor thing. How long ago was that?”

“Uhh I think a year now? My memory has been kind of fuzzy after that.” She looked up at you with a mixture of shock and concern on her face. It was no wonder why you were having such a hard time getting over Kate. You clearly didn’t know how to handle yourself on your own. You were too broken and you didn’t even know it.

“Have you ever been diagnosed with anything, dear?”

“Depression.”

“Just depression?” She couldn’t shake the suspicion that there was more than just depression. Her eyes scanned your body again, looking for more indicators of what was going on with you.

“Um…anxiety as well- how could I forget about that,” you chuckled awkwardly looking down at the fidget in your hands. She could tell you were getting nervous again. She gave you a small smile and leaned forward slightly.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, sweetie. You’re safe here, remember?”

“Right…” She continued to watch you, taking in how easily nervous you were getting. She could practically hear your thoughts and could tell that you were getting overwhelmed.

“I���m not going to hurt you, darling. I just want to help you.” She chose to take a seat right next to you, leaving only a small space between the two of you. She would have never done this with any of her patients but you…you were just so helpless. She could be the one to help you.

As she sat down right next to you, your heart began to race in your chest. You could smell her perfume, a sweet, floral scent that invaded your senses. She gave you a reassuring smile as she reached up and gently placed her hand over yours.

“I um,” you took your hand away from hers, “I don’t think this is really working for me-“ She gently grabbed your wrist, her grip surprisingly strong as she prevented you from moving away from her. She chuckled lightly, her eyes locked on yours with a hint of something behind them.

“Now now, darling. We’ve barely even started. I promise you’ll start feeling better soon.”

For the following weeks you were in her office an embarrassing amount of times. She had even given you her phone number just so you had someone to talk to in case something happened. She was truly helping you, and like always, her sweet gestures blinded your judgment. See she just wanted to take care of you but she couldn’t do so if you weren’t hers so she started using her manipulation skills to work.

She began to slowly manipulate you into trusting her more and more. Whenever you were upset, she would be the one to make you feel better. She always comforted you, listened to you and gave you whatever you needed. She slowly started giving you small ‘gifts’ to make you feel appreciated and accomplished. It didn’t take long for her to have you completely under her control.

“Kate texted me last night…” you told her as you sat in her office once again. As soon as you had walked into her office, she could already tell something was wrong. She motioned for you to sit down as she looked up from her computer with fake concern to mask the anger bubbling up. How dare she text you after what she did?

“She did?”

“Yeah…she said she wanted to meet up and talk.” you took a fidget into your hands. Her jaw clenched slightly at your words. She couldn’t believe the nerve that girl had. She didn’t have the right to talk to you after what she did. You were her’s now and only her’s.

“And what did you say?”

“That I would think about it. I don’t really know what to make of the situation.” You mumbled. She leaned back in her chair, trying to contain her anger as she spoke to you. She couldn’t show you how pissed she was, you’d be suspicious if she did.

“You’re not actually considering meeting with her, are you?”

“I don’t know yet. I do miss her-“ She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her desk and her chin on her hands. Her eyes bore into yours, almost looking like they were staring straight into your soul.

“You miss her? Even after what she did to you?”

“Maybe she realized what she did-“ she chuckled softly at your reply, finding it almost laughable how naive you were. But that was why she loved you. You were such an easy target. So malleable and submissive. All she had to do was put the thoughts into your head and you would eat them up like it was second nature to you.

“You really think that she’s capable of changing her mind?”

“What should I do, doctor?” you said, finally making eye contact. She smiled at you, knowing that she had you right where she wanted you. You were vulnerable and needy, just like a little puppy. You were just begging to be told what to do.

“I think you should listen to your heart, darling. Do you really think it’s a good idea to go back to someone who hurt you?”

“N-no…” She could practically see the inner turmoil in your mind. You were struggling with your feelings. Part of you wanted to meet up with Kate while the other part of you knew that it was a bad idea.

“Good girl. I’m glad you’re making the right choice.”

“What should I text her then?” She smirked as you asked her what to text Kate. It was almost too easy to get you to rely on her. You needed her so badly that you didn’t even think about making your own decisions anymore.

“Why don’t you just tell her you’re not interested? That you’re not going to see her anymore and that you’re happy without her?”

“Yeah…it’s probably for the best.” You took out your phone and started typing away. She watched you intently as you typed the message. She knew that this was the beginning of her victory. Once you finally blocked Kate, you’d be hers forever.

“I sent it.” You announced, handing your phone over to her so she could read the message. She took the phone from you and read the message you sent to Kate. She smirked again, proud of you for doing exactly as she said.

“Good girl. She’ll get the message and leave you alone for good now.” The praise brought a smile to your face. You felt so safe around Agatha. It was only after the second session that she told you to call her by her first name but you liked calling ‘doctor’. She was filling in the void all your ex partners and mother had left inside you.

She smiled back at you, noticing how the praise made you smile. It was so easy to make you feel good and give you a little validation. All she had to do was say a few words and you were putty in her hands. She had you exactly where she wanted you, under her control and at her mercy.

“What now? Do I block her number?” You said, unsure if it was necessary. She placed your phone on the table and stood up from her chair, walking around the table and over to you. She sat right next to you, putting an arm over your shoulders and bringing you closer to her.

“Yes, sweet girl. You need to block her number so that she can’t contact you again.”

“R-right,” you shamelessly snuggling closer to her, enjoying her warmth, “Can you do it for me? Please?”

She chuckled as you snuggled closer to her. She wrapped her arm tighter around you, pulling you even closer against her. She could tell how needy you were, desperate for any kind of affection.

“Of course I can, darling. Anything for you.” She took your phone and began to go through your contacts to find Kate’s number. Once she found it, she blocked the number and set your phone down again.

“I like being here with you. It makes all my nerves calm and the voices in my head telling me how I’m not enough go quiet,” you looked up at her, “Is that a bad thing?”

She smiled as you told her how you felt around her. It was exactly what she wanted to hear. She loved that you found comfort in her presence and the fact that you came to her for comfort instead of anyone else.

“Of course it’s not a bad thing, sweetheart. You should always feel safe and comfortable around me.”

“But…you’re my therapist.” She hummed in agreement, gently running her fingers through your hair as she continued to hold you close to her. Her grip on you was firm and possessive, almost as if she was claiming you as hers.

“Yes, I am your therapist, but I also care about you. I want to see you happy and I want to help you feel better.”

“What happens if someone finds out? Wouldn’t you lose your job? I don’t want you to lose your job-” you started to ramble on. She gently shushed you, her fingers still playing with your hair as she looked down at you. She knew that you were worried about the consequences of your relationship, but she didn’t care. She was too invested in you now.

“Don’t worry about that, sweetheart. I’ll make sure no one finds out. This is just between us, alright?” You were too deep in thought to reply so she nodded your head for you as if you were too dumb to do it on your own. You were so cute when you got all quiet and submissive like this. She could tell that you were practically melting in her hands, unable to think for yourself without her guidance.

“Good girl, you’re such a good listener. Maybe you deserve a reward.” Your eyes lit up at the word.

“A reward?” She smiled, amused by your reaction. She could tell how excited you were just from the mention of a reward. It was adorable how easy it was to manipulate you with simple words and gestures.

“Mhm. Do you want a reward, hon?”

“Yes, please!” She chuckled again, moving her hand from your hair to gently tilt your chin up so that you were looking at her. She looked down at you with a smirk on her face, her eyes dark and filled with desire.

“Good. Now let mommy make you feel good.” She pulled away only to push you down on the sofa, making you lay down while she straddled your hips.

“Mommy?” Your eyebrows frowned trying to understand what was happening. What was she doing? Why did she call herself mommy? God you were truly dumb. She leaned down, pinning your wrists above your head as she sat on your lap. She smirked as she looked down at you, watching the confusion and innocence on your face.

“That’s right, darling. I’m mommy and you’re my good little girl.”

“I-“ Before you could protest, she silenced you with a kiss, moving her lips against yours before shoving her tongue in your mouth. She dominated the kiss, her tongue exploring every inch of your mouth. She pressed her body against yours, wanting to be as close to you as possible. She could feel your body beneath hers, the way you trembled and squirmed under her.

She roughly took off her doctor coat and shirt, leaving herself in just a bra and jeans. She started working on your clothes, taking off your jacket, sweatpants and bra. She took one of your breasts in her mouth, making you suck in your breath. Your thoughts were going one hundred miles per hour but you couldn’t find the words to tell her to stop. This could be your way of paying her back for all that she’s done for you. If you do as she asked then she wouldn’t leave you.

She took her time with you, her mouth moving from your breast to your neck. She left a trail of kisses and bite marks down your neck and across your collarbone, marking you as hers.

“God, you’re so beautiful, doll. You’re all mine, you understand?”

“I understand,” she raised her eyebrow, unsatisfied with your answer, “…mommy,” you finished. She smiled, clearly enjoying the way the word rolled off your tongue. She loved hearing you call her that, loved knowing that you were submitting to her and accepting her role as your dominant.

“That’s my good girl. You’re learning so well.” She began to kiss down your chest, moving further and further down your body.

“Wait!” you pushed her off a bit, leaning on your elbows, “What if someone walks in?” She sighed, clearly annoyed that you had interrupted her. She sat up, straddling your hips once more as she looked down at you.

“I told you, no one will find out. I locked the door, so there’s no chance of anyone coming in and seeing us.”

“S-sorry,” tears welled up in your eyes at her tone. You didn’t mean to make her upset. Now she probably didn’t want you anymore. She softened slightly as she saw the tears in your eyes. She reached out and gently wiped away a tear that was falling down your cheek.

“Shh, it’s alright, sweetheart. Don’t cry. I’m not mad at you, I just don’t want to be interrupted. Understand?”

“I understand, mommy. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She smiled at your response, cupping your cheek, her thumb gently rubbing against your skin.

“I know you didn’t, pet. Just try to be quiet for mommy, alright? Can you do that for me? Can you be a good girl?”

“Mhm!” She chuckled, leaning down to capture your lips in another kiss. She slowly started to grind her hips against yours, creating a delicious friction between your bodies. Her hand slowly moved down your body until she reached the waistband of your panties. She played with it slightly before moving her hand completely under the fabric and dipping her fingers into your wetness. She smirked against your lips as she felt how wet you were already. She teased your entrance, her fingers tracing slow circles around your clit.

“So wet for me already, doll. You’re so needy.” You whined against her lips, your cheeks turning red and your hands gripping onto her biceps. She chuckled again, her smirk growing wider as she felt your grip on her biceps. She loved how responsive you were to her touch, how easy it was to turn you into a whining mess.

“Aw, are you getting desperate, baby girl?”

“More, please?” She hummed, her fingers continuing to tease you, but never quite giving you what you wanted.

“More what, pet? You have to be more specific.”

“I want…” your face flushed even more, “your fingers…inside.” You looked so cute asking for what you wanted so timidly. She gently bit down on your bottom lip before pulling away to speak.

“Good girl, being honest with mommy.” She slowly slipped two fingers inside you, curling them upwards and starting to pump them in and out of you at a slow pace. You gasped when her fingers entered you, keeping your eyes on hers as her fingers hit that spongy spot inside of you. She watched your face intently, watching every expression that crossed your features. She picked up the pace, her fingers moving faster and deeper as she started to rub your clit with her thumb.

“C-close-“ She chuckled softly, her fingers never slowing down as she felt your walls clenching around her fingers.

“Already? You’re so sensitive, baby. Such a good little slut for mommy.”

“Can I, mommy?” She smiled, her fingers still working relentlessly inside you.

“Can you what, sweetheart? Use your words, be a good girl and ask nicely.”

“Can I c-cum, please, mommy?” you asked desperately, not being able to hold it any longer. She hummed, pretending to think about it for a moment, just to see you squirm and beg more.

“Go ahead, baby girl. Cum for me. Let mommy hear you.”

“Thank you!” you moaned loudly as your orgasm washed over you. Your legs trembled around her hand as you dug your nails into her arms. As you closed your eyes and tried to catch your breath, Agatha took the opportunity to take your phone and take a picture of your fucked out form. Your lips parted, bite marks all over your neck and chest, and your hair sticking to your sweaty forehead, all while her fingers remained inside you. After she took the picture, she unblocked Kate, sent the picture and then blocked her again. Now she would for sure leave you alone.

She set the phone back down on the table, a satisfied smirk on her face as she looked down at you. She slowly pulled her fingers out of you, bringing them up to her mouth and licking them clean, moaning softly at the taste of you.

“You look so beautiful when you’re all messy like this, baby.” If your face wasn’t already red before it definitely was now. Then you noticed she was still wearing most of her clothes and started feeling a bit self conscious. She chuckled as she noticed your face growing redder.

“What’s wrong, baby? Are you feeling shy now?” She asked teasingly, her eyes roaming over your naked body, taking in every inch of you.

“It’s just…why are you still in your clothes?” She chuckled, placing her hands on your thighs, her thumbs rubbing small circles against your skin.

“Because this was about making you feel good.”

“But I want to make you feel good too.” She chuckled again, leaning down to kiss your forehead.

“You will, sweetheart. But you’re the priority now.” You frowned in disappointment but nodded either way. She gently lifted your chin with her finger, making you look up at her.

“Don’t pout, baby girl. You’ll make mommy feel good soon enough just not today. Let’s get your clothes back on, okay?”

“Okay.” She helped you put your clothes back on as if you were a child before standing up to put her shirt and coat back on.

“Have you eaten or drank anything today, hon?”

“Um…” you remained quiet. Truth was you hadn’t and Agatha had been on your ass since your first session to keep up with nourishing yourself. You forgot…again. She sighed, her expression turning slightly stern as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“You forgot to eat and drink again, didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry! I got distracted by Kate’s text. That’s the only thing I could think about all day.” She clicked her tongue in disapproval, shaking her head slightly.

“You need to start taking better care of yourself, Y/n. I’ve told you countless times that you need to eat and drink regularly. I can’t have you getting another ED again.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I will do better, I promise.” She sighed again, her stern expression softening slightly. She sat back down and pulled you closer to her, her hands resting on your hips.

“Good girl. I don’t want you to end up back in that hospital again because you didn’t eat properly. You’ve been getting so much better and I won’t let you throw that all away, understand?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Here,” she walked over to her desk, opened a drawer, and pulled a protein bar, “Eat this for now. Once I’m off the clock, I will cook you a nice warm meal.”

“You don’t have to do that-“ She gave you a stern look, cutting you off.

“I do have to. You need to eat and I can’t seem to trust you to take care of you. You will eat, take a bath, and go to bed when I take you home.”

“At your house?” She nodded, unwrapping the protein bar for you and handing it to you.

“You’re staying with me tonight. I need to keep an eye on you and make sure you’re eating and sleeping properly.” You took the protein bar and sighed in defeat. You knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer, not that you wanted her to really.

“Now stay there, eat the protein bar, and look pretty while I finish up.”

Taglist; @polaris-likethestar @wandasreallover @oh-no-bummer @phixiesworld @eliscannotdance @venomhimbo @aka-patsy @scoliobean @chlondykebar @marvelwomenarehot0 @mgruiz @daenerys713

[cybershock24601]

Haven't read the wingmaker job yet but keep seeing snippets from it and the best justification I have for why Illario is so different is because he's McFreakin' Losing It during the game. His house of cards is collapsing and to say he is not handling it well would be an understatement.

First, he has the cousin he's been mourning for a year and probably dealing with a very complicated mix of grief, guilt, and regret because he ordered Lucanis' death and still hasn't gotten what he wanted out of it- being made First Talon - and only lost his brother. Only to find out actually his cousin is alive, his grandmother has known the whole time and didn't say anything to him, and now his cousin is going to be coming back and Illario knows he's never going to be First Talon unless he does something. Then Lucanis is back and he's an abomination, a fate a lot of people in Thedas would say is worse than death and I'm sure Illario knows that Caterina would still pick Lucanis anyways even after she finds out what her poor boy has become.

Second, he needs to get rid of Caterina because it's clear she's not going to let him be First Talon ever. But he can't kill her. That's his grandmother who he has an incredibly complex relationship with and still craves her approval even though he knows he isn't going to get it, and after everything with Lucanis, I don't think Illario could go through with killing someone else close him considering how messed up he was after getting rid of Lucanis. Which also presents problems because is he just going to keep Caterina locked up for the rest of her days? What was the end goal in kidnapping her? I don't think Illario really thought it all through because he was panicking and had to think fast when he found out Lucanis was alive and coming back.

Third, Illario also has to deal with Zara. No matter what Illario's actual feelings towards her are, Illario still has to keep her thinking he's still interested and into her even after she betrayed him by capturing and torturing Lucanis for a year. Illario probably started making his deal with the Venetori long before you find out about it in the game seeing as he's already cozied up to Zara, so he's also having to play an entire organization for their support which probably gets a lot more complicated after he kills his main point of contact even if he likely frames it as Rook and Lucanis offing her.

Lastly, Illarrio has to think of the Crows and present himself as a properly grieving grandson and relieved that his cousin is back and manage House Dellamorte with his grandmother gone and Lucanis on contract. He's gotta gather support amongst the other Talons and allay suspicion and with so many different plates to balance and sheer emotional turmoil the guy is going through, it makes sense that he's dropping the ball on a lot of things during the game. Illario is stuck in a nightmare scenario and its one he set in motion himself with no way out and only the title of First Talon as consolation that everything he has done was worth it.

[silversurfersx]

pleaseeeeee give us a part 2 of filns of anger PLEASEEEEEEJSJDHNDE IM BEGGING

Christmas pressnt to us maybe?!? 🙏🙏🙏🙏😔😔😔😔

It’s the first of December, close enough, haha

Had the beginning of this actually in my notes since I posted the first part, but I hadn’t really finshed it, but I saw a few people now ask for a part two so here it goes.

I don’t really know how to feel about this, but anyway

Happy December, guys 🎄

Films of Anger | pt. 2

Part one

sebastian vettel x schumacher!reader

summary: basically brocedes 2.0 (with a happier ending), childhood friends turned rivals turned back into friends in a sappy way

warning: a bit of angst and fluff, swearing

It's been weeks, almost months, since you last spoke to Sebastian and it started to get to you. You weren't used to this kind of cold distance.

Distance as such was never much of a problem, seeing as both of you were busy in different places around the world. But this was not like those times.

You saw Sebastian almost all the time, he was always there like your own shadow, but just like it, he didn't speak a word to you. He didn't even dare to look at you (at least not when you were). He only ever did look when he knew you weren't.

There was a heavy feeling building up in his chest when he noticed you around and wanted to talk to you, hang out with you, just like you always did, but something stopped him.

You felt similar. You wanted your best friend back. The one who would always play video games with you after training. The one you would sneak out with to eat stuff you weren't supposed to. You wanted your other half back. The one that was so close yet so far out of reach. It pained you to look at him and there were times, especially after a bad race, when all you wanted to do was run to him for comfort. But you couldn't. Or at least you felt like you shouldn't.

Michael watched the whole situation from the outside. He saw the longing looks the both of you threw at each other. His own heart felt heavy at the thought of your friendship ending. Corinna and him witnessed the joy brought to your face whenever his name was called. Though now there wasn't anything like it, quite the opposite actually. And it was painful to witness for both him and his wife, knowing that the tight bond knitting the two of you together was broken over something like that. They wanted to do something to stop it from breaking any further, but both felt like only you could do that.

Your brother and sister alike noticed the lack of Sebastian around. Mick and you were playing a game of one on one, something you had done since he was very young. Both inspired by your fathers own love for football.

"Why don't you hang out with Seb anymore?" He asked shooting the ball towards your goal, but you blocked.

You didn't want to tell Mick what truly had happened between the two of you, because you weren't really sure either. Dribbling past him, you used the distraction as a way to hold off your answer. Needing a moment to think anyway.

Of course you had an accident, which you still didn't think was on you, but that wasn't new. The two of you had a few crashes over the years, sometimes caused by either one of you, but you always reconciled. But not this time. Something was different. Or maybe it was just you. Maybe the two of you had just drifted apart over the years, at minimum speed, that it only took one moment of anger from the both of you to cut the string that held you close.

"I don't really know Micky. We had a fight and need some time to calm down, I guess." You answered your brother, who knocked the ball away from you.

"Hey!" You shouted watching him kick the ball inside the net of your goal.

Mick grinned at the goal, before turning back to you. "But you are still friends, right?"

You didn't answer, not sure yourself. It still felt like you were friends, even if neither of you spoke. You reckoned that that would never change. But you didn't know how he felt, so you just answered for yourself. "Yes."

"Good. You too sappy without him." Mick nodded, taking the ball, you had just talked out of the net with your feet, away from you and once again dribbling it away from you, once again scoring. You laughed shaink your head at his cheekiness.

"There was a time when I used to beat you all the time."

"Yeah, when I was five." Mick chuckled, preparing to once again take control of the ball.

"Ey, be quiet." You gently pushed your brother. The blonde laughed while you tried not to be hurt being beat by a 12 year old.

The next race weekend approached quicker than you'd hoped and over was the small break you had at home. You and your father both packed your bags and got ready to race once again.

"Fernando!" You called out to the Spaniard, running down pit lane, nodding at him when he turned around.

The both of your wearing the familiar Ferrari red, marking you teammates.

"Good morning, y/n." He greeted you stopping for you to catch up and walk down the pit lane together.

"Morning, Nando. How was your time off, done anything fun?" You started the conversation, holding your hand up to cover your eyes from the bright sun.

You had to admit you missed what Fernando was saying, as you just passed the RedBull Garage and you unintentionally made eye contact with a very familiar RedBull driver. You held eye contact, neither of you ready to break it.

The usual distance you recently felt coming from him wasn't there. It was as if the short break betwene the races kind of reduced the anger, or whatever it was, from his mind.

You had turned your head away from him, back to Fernando, but you could have sworn you saw him frown sadly as you broke eye contact.

It wasn't a big change in behaviour, but it still felt weird in your mind, not used to him being so nice once again. Or at least civil. And to even acknowledge you properly.

You hoped that it wasn't just some kind of mind play, from him, but you knew that that wasn't his thing. At least it hadn't been with you.

It was during the qualifying session that you were in a somewhat fight with Sebastian. It wasn't much of a fight as you knew that this was just quali and not the race, yet.

So neither of you intentionally raced the other, but you did aim to beat his time. And it appeared he did too, as your time kept getting beaten by him.

Everytime your engineer told you your time, you requested to know Sebastian's as well, which he did give you, even if he was a bit unsure if he should. But as long as it encouraged you to drive faster, it wouldn't hurt. He thought.

Meanwhile you relived moments of your childhood. Back when your father and spent your evenings after school at the karting track. When no one else was present and it was only the two of you. His voice, soft but stern, was sounding in your head over the sound of the engine.

You remembered the moment you finished your lap, and took one of the corner as late as you dared to do. It took your breath away, but in the end you set your new personal lap record.

"That corner, yeah," Your father started. "If you take every corner, like you did that one, you'd beat them all."

You always followed his advice of course, but there was also always the possibly to do more. To go further. So you did.

And you went too far. Breaking too late, added with a strong wind in the wrong moment, suddely sent you into the wall.

Weirdly enough, the first thing you thought of when the car stopped was how horrible the media would react to yet another crash. The first one with Sebastian, was on you, according to them. The other times, after the initial crash, when you started to get a bit more aggressive with each other, was because of your hormones.

The times when you made just the tiniest mistake, was picked up by the media instantly. It was as if they were only waiting for you to slip up, to throw insults and doubts at you. To question whether you truly belonged in the world of formula one or if it was just there because of your family name.

Sebastian used to talk it all good. He mocked the media's stupidity to make you feel better. But of course, that didn't happen recently, which is why you felt even worse about all the comments being made, which only led to you doubting yourself more, with lead to you making even more mistakes. It was an endless circle.

Maybe adding onto your odd thoughts was your pounding head. Hopefully not a concussion. You tried to act tough, hiding your sick feelings, and aching body, quickly replying to your race engineer and pushing yourself out of the car.

You took a moment, after climbing out, to calm down. Sitting down on the body of the car, pretending liked you did that because you had to wait for the safety car and not because your body gave you a hard time.

'No weakness. Show no weakness.'

The voice in your head repeated. You kept your helmet on, even if you wished to just take it off to breathe better.

Marshall's surrounded you, made sure you were alright and then lead you towards the arriving safety car, while taking care of the crashed car.

___

"I don't know why I keep messing up so bad, Papa." You told him as you left the medical centre. The impact you had sustained was hard, 30G. But you tried to push through the aftermath. Michael came over to the medical centre right after qualifying and interviews (which you gladly didn't have to attend), to walk you back to the hospitality and then to the hotel. He wanted to make sure that you rest.

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Your father started. "that is what makes you mess up. You lose confidence and get scared."

Michael wasn't known for talking around the point when it came to racing. He felt that if there were words that can help you get better, they should be said, no matter how hurtful they may be. You knew that, it was always something you appreciated.

"I'm not scared." You replied honestly.

There may be some fear in your body when you drove, but that only fueled you to go further, to press for more. It wasn't the kind of fear that led you to be scared, but to go even harder than you thought would be possible. You loved the adrenaline, when you did something dangerous. It gave you an extra boost. "I think I just can't concentrate. I feel so... I don't know.

Michael watched you for a moment, halting in his words, as he let it sink in. Deep down he had his suspicions what might cause your loss in concentration.

"You need to talk to Sebastian." He announced. You bit your lip, but didn't say anything.

Michael was right, of course. He was most of the time. But you didn't know if you dared to speak to Sebastian, yet. You weren't scared of driving your car dangerously, but to talk to Sebastian. You were not that brave. Not yet at least.

Your father didn't really mention anything regarding Sebastian after that. He took you back to the hotel and insisted that you'd spent the rest of the day in bed, just as the medical team had ordered you to do. You didn't resist that order as you felt your body ache from every movement. You head was feeling liked it would explode. It was difficult for you to move your neck and raise your arms as the G-force hit you straight on.

After your father left, it wasn't difficult for you to fall asleep. And you stayed that way until you were awaken by a knock on your door in the late evening hours.

You didn't realise who stood in front of you for the first few moments, still too drunk on sleep.

"Sebastian?"

"Hey." He whispered, almost unsure if he should be there. "Uhm, your father gave me your hotel and uh room number, I just wanted to-"

You didn't know why you did what you did, but it just felt right to hug him right then and there. You felt Sebastian suck in a breath, before carefully hugging back, his grip so light in fear of putting a hand wrong and pushing you away from him.

Slowly you let go of him, frowning over your own actions. "Sorry, I don't know why I just did that."

Sebastian shook his head, smiling softly. "No, it's alright."

"I saw the crash today. It looked bad, I just wanted to make sure your were alright. I know we, uhm-" he looked for a word to describe your current relationship. "We haven't really talked in a bit, and I know that's kind of my fault, but I just felt so helpless, not being able to visit you after a crash like that because I felt like I'd lost every right to do so."

"You would never lose the right." You interrupted his rant, watching his hands nervously knit each other, while he watched them too scared to look at you. You remembered your fight with him and th way the words had stung. You were so angry with him whenever you remembered them, but now that he stood here, in front of you, looking like a sad puppy, you couldn't help but want to forget all of it.

"Well, after the shit that happened between us-" Sebastian argued.

"I know." You felt the same way, like you'd lost your right to care about anything regarding him. "I think we're just idiots."

Sebastian chuckled, nodding agreeing. "Yeah, we are. You more than me."

"Oh?" You replied teasingly, a tone which he didn’t quite pick up on. He looked up eyes wide, his mouth opening as apologies spilled out, in fear that he had pushed it too far once again.

"Hey, hey. It's alright, I was only joking. Probably not the best time to do that." You quickly replied to calm the poor guy down.

"No, you're fine." Sebastian stated. "I just… I want to fix what went wrong between us. I miss you. It was stupid to let such a thing do all of this. I was so wrong for doing this to you.“

You noticed how you still stood in the doorway, which probably wasn't the best place to have that type of discussion.

"Do you maybe want to come inside?" You stepped aside and held the door open for him.

"Oh." He whispered, also realising where exactly he was standing. "Yes, of course."

Sebastian stepped inside, and you closed the door. You turned back to look at him. He looked more than unsure of himself. Nervously fiddling with his fingers, wipping on his feet as he let his eyes move around the room, taking it all in.

“Listen, y/n. I know I messed up badly, I said things that were so incredibly shit. It was wrong for me to say all those things, to throw the same shit at you that the press does. I know that you didn’t get into f1 just because of your name, I should know that better than anyone else. I don’t know why I said that. I hate that I said those things and I regretted the words right after I said them.”

“Why didn’t you say anything then?” You asked, watching him patiently. Sebastian gulped before shaking his head. “I don’t know, I think I felt too ashamed and embarrassed.”

“That was really messed up, Seb.” You crossed your arms, frowning at him. Your chest felt heavy.

“I know. I know how you hate to be reduced to only your name, but I was just so angry at everything in that moment, that I let it out on you. It was so wrong and I am so incredibly sorry, y/n.”

You nodded, your own head filled with the moments he referred to.

Sebastian hesitated, his eye taking you in, analysing the way you feel. He knew you inside out, every little habit you had, he knew the meaning of. So he saw the hesitation inside you. How the voices in your head argued over whether to forgive or to fight him further.

"Please forgive me." He whispered, trying to aid the side of you wanting to forgive him.

Internally, that decision had been made some time ago. You knew Sebastian just as well as he knew you. You knew how he ticked and how he sometimes struggled with idioticy. Talking before really thinking, especially after being pumped on adrenaline.

He never truly means the words he spoke in anger. Sebastian was never the type to insult people, especially you. You could only think about the regret he had been carrying around these past weeks, almost overshadowing your own anger at him. Almost.

A part of you didn't want to forgive him just yet. It wanted prove that he really meant it, ignoring all the times he had already proven it. The times he cheered you up, speaking words of affirmation after the press made some ridiculous statement and spoke highly of you afterwards to everyone who'd listen, just to make them forget any bad word ever uttered.

And the more you thought about where or not to forgive him, you realised that you had already forgiven him. But you weren't able to fully admit that, yet.

"I'm really glad that you came." You answered instead, breaking the silence that started to build up.

"Yeah?" Sebastian asked, looking hopefully at you. His big blue eyes held a distant fear much like the one you felt when you thought it might be over. Which was now overshadowed by the light of hope for a rekindling.

"Yeah." You agreed honestly. "And I missed you too."

"Good." Sebastian smiled. "Then I don't feel sappy on my own."

"No."

"How are you, then?" Sebastian continued, looking you over. "I haven't heard much about the crash, only that it was like 30G. I've been worried."

You smiled at his words, the care in his voice brought a familiar warmth, one you had missed over the last few weeks. You went over to sit down on your bed, gesturing for Sebastian to join you. "I’m feeling better than earlier today, but still a bit weak. My head is pounding and I'm having a hard time with my neck and shoulders. But other than that I'm surprisingly fine."

"Are you cleared to drive tomorrow?" Sebastian asked while sitting down beside you.

"Yeah." Nodding you ran a hand through your hair. "They still want to do a check in the morning, but they said that I should be alright."

"So, you're gonna race?" He continued a bit worried, but he knew that even if he tried he wouldn’t be able to change your mind.

"What, scared I'll beat you?" You chuckled looking at his soft expression. Sebastian chuckled as well, shaking his head. "Always. No, but I was really worried. It looked a lot worse than how it ended up being. I though you might get seriously injured. And I know that that's part of the sport, but all I could think about was that I never apologised. That you might always believe that I couldn't stand you."

"Seb-" You halted in your words, before throwing your arms around your best friend. Pulling him towards you, his own arms pulling you closer. "I didn't think that you couldn't stand me, at least I hoped."

"But still. I wouldn't have known, that you didn't think that." He muttered against your shirt.

"You know now, and that is what counts." You reminded him, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

"Could we talk things through, get on common ground and get this over with. I really don't want something like this to happen again." Sebastian asked now with more confidence. " I don't want to lose you again over silly things."

"I don't want to lose you either over silly things, Sebby." You agreed using the nickname you hadn't used since you were kids. His groan of annoyance at fueled your laughter.

And for an moment then, it was like back when you were just kids, fueled by nothing but passion, friendship and capri-sun.

___

a/n: I feel like I should have added more drama, like a bit more beef between the two before they rekindled, but I didn’t have any ideas for more dialogue, lol.

[siflooping]

adding into this to say that i think it'd be a great exploration of like. ok let me try to word it.

edit this ended up being Way Too Fucking Long so its under a readmore. AND i broke it into two parts (added a bit of siffrin Braintime Thoughts (bad) to the next rb). i got wordy bitch disease!

so first there's the stuff that's relevant to sifloop in both canon and an au like this. loop is someone who changed so much from the Torment Nexus they were put in that they felt completely removed from who they used to be, who feels like the trauma they experienced is all they are. who loathes the person they used to be with passion, thinks that they were stupid and pathetic and needy. their past self who always felt like such a disgusting and terrible person that they assumed even their loved ones were put off by them and always one mistake away from hating them. who thought that they were objectively fundamentally unloveable.

and then loop meets someone who IS who they used to be, as a separate, distinct person. the person they, for a very long time, considered to be worthless, unloveable, repulsive by nature. they get to see themselves in third person, to interact with them as a person rather than an abstraction or their past self. and he's. well. just some guy (gn)? to someone on the outside of their head he's not horrible, mean, disgusting, selfish, monstrous, or any of the innumerable negative things siffrin as a person has always believed to be. they're just. a little guy? who is actually. kind of funny and endearing, who does his best, who loves their friends so much it hurts. who loop ends up genuinely enjoying the company of and caring about.

which i think is neat vis a vis self-perception, self-compassion and the extemely subjective way one usually sees themselves! i just think it'd be interesting to see an angle of this where sif like. remains as they were in act 1 instead of being put in the torment nexus and how that'd influence the rship.

there's no way loop WOULDN'T feel extremely bitter about the difference in their circumstances! i'm 50/50 as to whether theyd direct that towards sif as is at first (why does HE get to not suffer?! Why did THEY have to suffer where he didn't! it's not fair!). or if they'd instead direct it to like, the universe at large? in the 2hats fight they say they hate their country, the universe, the stars, but notably (to ME!) they never say they hate siffrin.

tbh i think either way they'd end up kind of hot and cold, both bitter and protective. prolly v possessive either way bc like that is LITERALLY who they were as a person before the timeloops tore away their personality and body! it's THEM. they're ALL that remains of the "original" siffrin. so if anyone gets to have him, to keep him, it should be loop! they went through hell, then had to do it AGAIN in a different flavor by watching one of their family members go through the Torment Nexus. and break out of it where they couldn't. and of realizing the reason the Torment Nexus existed, that both loop and one of their family members were pushed to the brink in a hell of repetition is bc of a Wish they accidentally made. they lost EVERYTHING. so. SOO! they deserve to have this at the very least (as a treat).

toxic yuri aside, i think non-looperrrrr siffrin's company would be unexpectedly comfortable & comforting to loop bc like. they know exactly how siffrin thinks bc you know. they used to be siffrin. esp since this siffrin isn't changed by the timeloop experience. so there's no anxiety over what he may be thinking of them (be it negative or positive) or if they secretly hate loop, because they can tell very easily! so hanging out with this siffrin would be like... reading a book you've read a million times, watching a play you've watched so many times you know every beat, or like comfort food. i knowww they'd do the equivalent of when cats act like them laying on your lap and purring is totally a coincidence, incidental, circumstancial, and does not indicate anything, you mean nothing to me, what do you mean you're going to the kitchen come BACK DONT LEAVE ME. fun for the whole family!

ok wait you know what'd be interesting and more importantly hilarious. sifloop, but in an au where someone else from the party is looping. can you fucking imagine

[nthspecialll]

Out of place

As some of you might know, some of the scenes with different characters where in fact not mo-caped (motion captured) by the correct actors, so here is a short combination of when the "wrong" actors were used.

When filming the end credits for rdr2, the actor for Mary Linton wasn't in, so instead Roger Clark stepped in. So in the scene when Mary is crying over Arthur's grave it is in fact Arthur crying over Arthur.

For about eight months, Rob was not able to come in and mo-cap because his foot was broken after being driven over by a skidloader at his daily construction job, meaning a few different actors took his role in different scenes. One of these scenes is the iconic "Rip Van Winkle", I don't know who acted it, but it wasn't him.

In a random event out in the woods you might meet a bear trying to kill a man, Roger played the role of that bear, screaming and shaking the poor fella who was getting attacked by the bear.

Rob mo-caped one of the night folk and appearently he was so terrible at it he doesn't even know if it was accepted into the game. He kept being told he had to be more "wolf-ish," which he didn't quite know what meant.

Honorary mention from rdr1, in the very first scene with John on the train you also see Bonnie, however it was not Kimberly Irion who plays Bonnie that mo-capped that bit as she had not been cast yet, it was in fact Steve who voices Bill that did that part.

[ckret2]

My first ask not about the goldie fic but I want your opinion: do you think Bill had a crush on the pharaoh? Because he really hypes up how he was obsessed with him, while the evidence shows Amenemhat was one of the least interested humans he partnered with, and he still doesn't seem to harbor much ill will by Bill standards. He also kinda overtly says he tried to flirt with him and that he was thirsty (for friendship). I feel like their relationship was different from most of the others, and is focused on the least.

Also do you think he was into the shaman. Because their non-portal-realated relationship is elaborated on the most and he seems to hold the biggest grudge, but it could've also just been a particular rare respect.

I think Bill has two kinds of crushes.

Bill gets 🩷crushes💕 on people that, like, have traits he generally finds attractive, whatever those are. Amenemhat III wore a big hat and built three pyramids, maybe Bill's into that, idk. We don't know much about their dynamic. If things don't work out with these crushes he's like, whatever, he moves on. These crushes are like a game to him.

On the other hand, Bill gets 🔥CRUSHES🔥 on people that make him go "they just like me fr." And here I'm using the word "crushes" to also cover platonic relationships—it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to make out with them, just that somehow he's forged an iron-hard emotional chain with them that he craves to be reciprocated. (the other crushes could also be platonic, but I think they tend to tilt more toward romantic by default.)

Bill strikes me as the kind of guy who goes through life thinking Nobody Could Possibly Get Him so when he runs into the rare person that he does think gets him, he latches onto them like a crocodile onto a baby hippo—and it's just as likely to end either with the prey dead or with the predator getting a few teeth knocked out.

And these are the ones Bill gets bitter and resentful over when things fall apart.

But look at what we know about the shaman: when Bill offered him a way out of his world to explore the secrets of the universe, he jumped at the opportunity; they got intoxicated together; they stargazed together; the shaman taught Bill something he didn't know, which has gotta be rare at a trillion years old.

Ford, obviously, is one of these people to Bill, and the shaman sounds like he's got a lot in common with Ford—curious knowledge-seeker, "the wisest of his tribe." Shaman also sounds like he's got a lot in common with Bill, partying with aliens, enthralled with the stars. I think Bill thought the shaman got him, and that he was not just furious but devastated when that fell apart—and we only don't see the full impact of that because Bill's had nearabout 4000 years to cauterize those wounds.

The shaman was a 🔥CRUSH🔥; the pharaoh was a 🩷crush💕.

[tsuyalovebot]

i didn't expect to be receiving this kind of angst on tags, but am i mad? HELL no. if anything i'm really glad this is actually being explored.

author i hope you know you're doing great! i really, really resonate with some of these text convos, mainly because they're very, very real and can happen. it may seem innocuous; little comments on "you're going to eat all of that?" and "one is enough" meant in lighthearted jest can sour real fucking fast. EDs are really sensitive topics and everyone is bound to have torn opinions on it, but personally, i enjoy consuming this sort of portrayal.

no romanticization about it whatsoever. just point blank. some of the men also being real fucking dense and clearly having no idea how to handle the situation other than "please eat" and "stop doing this" is also very realistic and it's so sad. because to them, what was an offhanded comment toward their partner's body and eating habits—which is horrible by the way, regardless of humor—has quickly spiraled into their partner's deterioration. they're withering away and it was catalyzed by them. people will argue "you decided to starve yourself" in cases of anorexia nervosa, but that doesn't make the people who contributed to it any less guilty.

locus of control, people. self-concept, everybody. if it's violated by one of the closest people to you, your damn partner, you'll do whatever it takes to change that and repair yourself even if it damages you more in the process.

jjk men are honestly the perfect target. very distinctive cast of male characters in personalities and temperaments so it's fascinating seeing their different approaches. obviously the more mature ones like nanami will handle it differently from more immature ones like yuji and megumi. toji's storyline too, is also really accurate. he made a comment on her ass in tandem with her food habits, most likely for humor, and boom. you never realize how much of an impact words can have on someone until you see it.

the endings are also interesting. really the only way i see this going is the reader recovering and not forgiving them or reader never recovering. the former though may just be my craving for angst talking, since this seems to be the first and only time the jjk men comment on the reader's eating habits and body. because assuming this relationship is deep, companionate, passionate, and committed, obviously the men's words will have far more weight to them.

reader being unable to recover and leaving them seems more likely at this point, it's self-destructive and once an eating disorder starts, it isn't one and done. from personal experience it's recurring and sporadic once you even try to stop the cycle of starvation and binging. the more morbid side of this would obviously demand angst and more angst. because even if you crave comfort from this, sure you'll get your ideal ending in forgiveness, but the fact of the matter is that these sorts of things are far more complex than one would think it to be.

that's all, anyway. it's like 1 AM and i spent most of my time rambling but author i love this !! keep writing, you're doing great. :)

¡TW!

jjk men x reader smau - they tell you to stop eating so much. part three

summary: they feel bad about what they’ve said and realized how much you’ve changed :(

poll at end for which ending you’d like to see first!

characters included: gojo, geto, nanami, choso, toji, shiu, yuji, megumi

part one part two part three part four(1)

TW for implied eating disorder below cut

hi gangalang thanks for reading this far 🧌🧌 next parts are the endings!! i’m probably going to do an ending for each of these prompts but lmk which one you’d like to see first! or ask/comment if there’s another ending you’d like to see

@gigiiiiislife @n4tr3ad5 @marsmabe @kyvyes @ivydoesit23 @chatimgay @viatorem-maris @totallygyomeiswife @perqbeth @imoutofpot @littlemissfix-itfic @chilichopsticks @nymphsdomain @mayhemfellasleep @monokyubey @maximumuzuamy @jimabbenamara @alexizzp @for-hearthand-home

[eternalera]

i love everyone saying how if ekko stayed everyone would understand his choice and not blame him for it but he left anyways and that makes him the best character. and while yes i kinda wanna dig deeper into this, the fact is that if ekko stayed i doubt that he ever wouldve been able to forgive himself, he never wouldve been truly happy, why? because he had everything that he wanted. he was flung into another dimension by chance and it just happened to be the best one where everything went right and he's dating his childhood crush (aka jinx/powder although im gonna use powder since its technically powder).

throughout ekko's character we've learned a few things and one of them being that he's not selfish by any means. he's built an entire commune for the greater good, he doesn't charge people anything and he lets them stay, he created a utopia in a dystopian world so that people can grow up normally and live a life that he and a lot of others never lived at his age. he doesnt force the people into labor he lets them have fun and i highly suspect that the people in the firelights are there because they went to support him and his endeavors and he doesn't want to let them down.

he has people relying on him because of this thing that he created so what does he do when there's a problem? he finds it and goes to fix it, and when he does that its then when he gets flung into this alternate reality and has to try and get back even though he has everything. why?

because his people need him. the tree is still dying, and if that tree dies everyone's lives who live there will be utterly destroyed. because he created that commune/utopia he is responsible for it's survival and while he has everything in this universe it's not his universe it's not his to have. what is his though is once again his society and he cant just throw that all away not with everyone counting on him. so he needs to go back.

not only that but in the end powder was right, he gave them the tip, he started off the chain of reactions he was the one who introduced everyone to hextech and while it's not his fault of how everything plays out he played his rule as much as the next person, as much as powder or vi. he started the chair reaction and while he can't control what happens after it what does matter is that he started it, he knocked over the domino's and for that he has to live with his decision and how it played out.

in this universe everything turned out fine, in his though is an entirely different story and he has to own up to that, while he didn't control it he still started all of this kinda like jayce with creating hextech, he didnt want everything to go out of hand or for viktor to basically become god and emotionless but regardless of the fact that's what happened and maybe in a different reality that doesnt happen but it still happened and because of that he has to own up to that mistake.

when vi slaps powder and runs off she couldn't have predicted that silco would take her in or that powder would become jinx but she still has to take some sort of responsibility for it.

ekko has to face what his decision caused in the end, maybe there it turned out for the better but in his universe it didnt and i think thats what makes his character truly mature in a sense. now am i saying that everything is ekko's fault? no, it's not but just like everyone else he had his part to play and even if it's not his fault arcane does make it clear that he's not entirely innocent just like powder says

"you gave us the tip"

you introduced us to this, you made us go on this mission. you're not innocent. and this fucking works it acknowledges the part that ekko had to play in everything which... lets be honest some people were NOT (and still arent) talking about. so that makes him going back and fixing everything so much better even if most of it wasnt his fault he still sees the harm that he caused and wants to fix it.

thats why he's the boy savior, and that's why he cant stay.

[hispanthicc]

Sex As A Guy Who Got Fat On Purpose

I like sex. I enjoy sex a lot. I haven't always "gotten off" during sex but that wasn't really a priority for me because I just liked the act of doing it. I think mostly I enjoyed getting my partner off. I used to have a lot of sex, or at least a lot in comparison to now, but since i've gained weight I haven't had much sex or any at all really.

I didn't realize how much this lack of sex was affecting me. I think having sex and being able to find people to have sex with me made me feel attractive. So the lack of it has made me feel unattractive, at least to locals. Online people seem to still find me attractive. I know that just because I haven't had it doesn't mean that I am unattractive. I know there are also a lot of factors that play into it. Anyways I went from having it regularly to not having it at all.

Gaining is hard for me so for the first few years of me trying to get fat on purpose I was basically just skinny, toned, and had a slightly rounded tummy which would completely disappear if I flexed. I could pass as skinny for a while. Then COVID hit and my physical activity levels became non existent. I very quickly went from being stuck at 130 lbs all the way to 220 lbs at my highest during 2020-2021. I also had a serious surgery which meant I couldn't do anything for about a year. So I got pretty chunky for a bit. then I lost like 40 lbs after going through a break up. which btw was not a sexual relationship, and I think that also affected me a lot in a negative way. Especially because of some of the things he said in the end which made me feel really unattractive.

I'm not really the type of guy that chases anyone or initiates anything and this has nothing to do with my weight because i've never pursued anyone that isn't already pursuing me. I am really shy and the very few times i've tried, i've been rejected. So I don't. This usually just leads to me talking to a bunch of guys that i'm not attracted to which definitely doesn't lead to sex.

I used to be really open sexually. i've found thing i've written and posted from years ago that I would probably be too shy or too embarrassed to say now. But being with my ex he kinda made me feel a lot of shame for the things that I liked sexually or was attracted to. Since then I find it hard to connect with people sexually.

I think i'm also afraid that if I am too open sexually it'll attract the wrong kinds of people, which is something I unfortunately have experience with.

Most of the guys that are attracted to me are usually not locals and unfortunately means that a lot of the communication is all talk. They usually want me to send nudes or they want to send me nudes and sometimes looking is nice but I am not always in the mood to take pics for someone especially when they're probably just gonna disappear when they cum. Online sexual communication doesn't really do it for me. I want it in real life, the online barrier is frustrating and it honestly feels no different than jerking off to porn, which is fine but the real thing is so much better. There seems to be a lack of a real personal connection with it and it feels like i'm like mentally turned off by it. I never ask for nudes because I don't want anyone asking me for nudes. I genuinely hate when I’m talking to someone and they're so nice at first and then they say "Can I see more of you" because then it feels like they didn't mean any of the compliments they were just trying to soften me up to get nudes out of me. I usually only send stuff like that to friends.

It also seems like guys are more focused on what they want instead of what I want and many of them say things like "I want to do this to you" and never "would you like it if I did this to you" which maybe isn't that big of a deal but it comes across as less caring,

I don't know how I appear to others but I would say currently I look pretty chubby all over and I don't think I would be mistaken for skinny even when I suck in. Sometimes I shock myself when I see my reflection or see a pic someone else took. My body is bigger all over and it's still very new to me to actually be a fat guy. I like the way I look and I like the way being fat feels. I feel sexually aroused by it and I keep trying to make myself bigger and bigger but I know that isn't a common thing for people to be into IRL. So it's kinda like "do I lose weight so that I can be physically appealing enough to have sex irl" or do I just keep gaining cuz it makes me happier in general even if it is killing my sex life. I also think about how a lot of people in the gainer community are Asexual-ish or their sexuality is so tied to the fat that if I did lose weight i'd probably lose the affection of those people too. So many times I see "so-and-so lost weight and now I’m not attracted to them anymore" which is extremely hurtful even if it doesn't apply to me at the moment.

I wish I wasn't so shy but I’m not sure that it would matter. I feel like everyone has an idea of what they want in a partner (sexually or romantically) and I’m not sure that I fit, no pun intended, what people want where I live, and I hate knowing that eventually i'll probably have to move just to find someone.

I also know that my tragic dating life and non existent sex life are my fault. I'm not an easy person to get close to or be with but I’m trying to learn how let people in and be the best I can be for someone whenever I do actually connect.

[earlycuntsets]

06/11/2004 equal music interview with gerard by danielle moskowitz

"When Warner Brothers/Reprise invited me to come talk with Gerard from My Chemical Romance about their new album at their record release show, how could I have refused?

The show was in their home state of NJ, packed with 1300 cheering fans. What made the show even cooler for me was featured artist, Nightmare of You was on the bill too! (NOY is still currently unsigned and have been playing with My Chem. Good for them!) I love when Equal Music bands get together!

Is their latest apart of a trilogy? Front man Gerard explains. He also reveals what why it didn't turn out to be the concept record they had planned it to be and what are they doing in Tokyo with The Beastie Boys? (Original interview from Oct. 31, 2003 follows this latest one from June)

DM: When we spoke last you guys were shopping for a producer. Who did you wind up working with and why?

Gerard: We wound up working with Howard Benson. A big reason was because he contacted us which is always very exciting. He was very enthusiastic about the project. It's not so much that he got what world we came from because he's worked with bands like P.O.D. and Blindside which is a completely different universe but he got what we were trying to do with the music and so we connected on a lot of levels.

DM: How was this experience different from working with Alex (Eyeball Records) and Geoff (Thursday [Island/Def Jam]) front man?

Gerard: That whole experience was hanging with friends and having a really fun time. There wasn't a lot of money or pressure. But then this experience didn't have that much pressure either which was weird. It was very a positive experience that had a really good flow. But yeah it was very different.

DM: You said in October that while you were finishing the first record you knew what you wanted the second one to be called (which is their latest, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge) and at the time since you knew the name for the second one you had an idea for what you wanted the third record to be called, although there's not going to be a trilogy so how do you know? Where's the connection with that?

Gerard: It's the kind of connection where you kind of always have a sense of what you're band is doing and where it's headed. I think we have a good idea of kind of like what the first record should be.It should be fast and dirty and cheap. Then the second one you really up the ante and really go for it with this one. The third one you try to explore new avenues. We ended up doing a lot of that on this record. We actually ended up being way more experiemantal than we thought we were going to be. It sounded good to us so we said let's keep doing it.

DM: To jump ahead, do you know what the next one's going to be called?

Gerard: From this experience I learned I shouldn't do that anymore because it locks you into something. And this record wound up being half a concept record because so much happened in our lives that when it came time to write lyrics I found out that it was less ficiton and more fact. So it's a very loose concept record. I want to see what happens for the third one and actually not plan anything out. I think that will be interesting because- it's not that we're calculated but we always kind of know where we're headed and kind of vibe on it. For the next one I kind of don't want to have that.

DM: What kind of mood do you feel like the new album has?

Gerard: I just started listening to it as a piece now, not just bits here and there it's really about loss. The first record was more about pain, misery and agression and violence. Although the lyrics can be disturbing at points, it's really about loss. In the end that's what it wound up being more about instead of some story. You can pick it out of at least four or five of the songs. Even the performances that everyone gives too makes it feel like it's really about loss.

DM: Do you feel like it's dark?

Gerard: Yeah. It's already been called that by a lot of people. We got a parental advisory without even having more than one curse in it. I think it's dark but I think it's a lot more positive than the first record.

DM: Yeah, I remember you saying that you felt the ups were going to be more up and the downs more down.

Gerard: Yeah and they really ended up being like that. But, there's definitely more moments of positivity and celebration than on the first record.

DM: What are some of difference of working with an indie and working with a major?

Gerard: This record was really painless so I can't truthfully answer that as a band that's in our position. We are really rare case of-- it was very similar to the first record where we did exactly what we wanted and luckily because they knew who we were when they signed us that's exactly what they wanted. There wasn't much of a difference other than the fact that there was obviously a lot more deadlines and a lot more pressure to get things done on time. That was the big difference but that was actually it.

DM: You're going to Tokyo soon for Summer Sonic Fest. You must be excited.

Gerard:Yeah, it's awesome, we get to play with The Beastie Boys and I've never seen them.

DM: What's going on for you guys for the rest of the year?

Gerard: Pretty much straight touring till the record cycle is over. It's usually about eighteen months from the time you start a record until you're done touring on it and should be starting a new one. There's already stuff I really want to write. I want to start immediately. As soon as we finished this I wanted to just do another. We're very much a live band but at the same time you get in the studio and you remember you're very much all songwriters and we had forgotten that part of us. I'm still in that head fix where I want to write more songs.

DM: Maybe you can still do that while you're on the road.

Gerard: Yeah, we plan to do it on Warped Tour. It will be our first time really on a bus so we're going to have more space and we'll be comfortable. Right ater that we're going back to a van so Warped Tour is really going to be the time that we write.

danielle moskowitz october 31, 2003 (2nd interview below)

Juxtaposing raw vocals and a punk edge against riffs suddenly gone melodic, My Chemical Romance takes you from upbeat drumming in one measure to a moment where you find yourself lost in slow, somber guitars the next. Listen closely as their vocalist Gerard reveals glimpses of himself through his brutally honest lyrics that hold traces of darkness around them.

DM: The bands success seems to have come very quickly. How long were you a band before signing to Eyeball Records?

Gerard: Let’s see—January is when we started playing as a band. We signed around our third or fourth show. It’s been quick since the beginning.

DM: What were you doing with your lives before the band took off?

Gerard: I was doing animation in the city [New York]. I was actually doing toy design in Hoboken [New Jersey], and Frankie was going to school, Mikey was going to school, Otter was a mechanic, and Ray was delivering film I believe and interning and stuff like that for film. We all just weren’t happy doing what we were doing, ya know?

DM: Geoff from the band Thursday and Alex from Eyeball [Records] I know played a big part in the recording of your last CD.

Gerard: Yeah, definitely.

DM: Are they going to be playing any part on your CD that will be coming out?

Gerard: I don’t think so. Sometimes you want to use the same people sometimes you want to see what would happen with other people. I’m sure they’ll hear it and we’ll ask their opinions.

DM: So they’re not going to help produce?

Gerard: Nah.

DM: What made you guys decide that a major was the next best move?

Gerard: It was one of those things where everything else was moving really fast but we had been able to keep up with it, ya know? We had been able to keep up with the shows that we were getting which were like going from playing basements to playing in front of 10,000 people with Jimmy Eat World. So it went from that to that, and it seemed like a very natural progression. And although a lot of people think it seemed quick, all that talk and all that nonsense was happening before our record even came out. It was like, we basically not fought them off, but said hey we’re going to be a band and do that, ya know? And then when we’re ready…Actually it was a lot longer process than most bands that are getting signed today.

DM: What made Reprise the best label for you guys?

Gerard: It was the best company. They were very familiar with us. We had a lot of fans at the company before we had signed. We had a lot of people helping out before we had signed.

DM: And they understand where you guys wanted to go musically, as a band?

Gerard: Yeah, exactly. That was the big thing. They knew where we wanted to go, they knew how we wanted to do things, and they were going to let us do it our way. Very low pressure type thing. Just kind of let us be us and you distribute us.

DM: When is the new album due out?

Gerard: We’re hoping it will come out in about in about spring. We’re going to record in January. We don’t have a producer yet. We’re looking at a few people and they’re looking at us. So it’s kind of that whole game right now.

DM: Do you have a title yet?

Gerard: Yeah, it’s called Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. And it was a title that… we pretty much known the title for the first record before it was finished and as soon as we were done with that I kind of knew what I wanted the title to be for the second. So it’s kind of in the process where I kind of know what I want the third to be too.

DM: Is it a trilogy type thing?

Gerard: No. This one’s different from the last and it’s more fictitious, but it’s still heartfelt. And it’s more of a concept record than the last one, where the last one was more of an autobiography. But the next one’s more of a concept album about a person; the next one after that I don’t what know what it will be.

DM: While you guys have been on tour you’ve been playing new songs live and they seem to be heavier. Would you say that is the direction you guys are going in?

Gerard: Well, yeah. The heavier stuffs heavier. The heavy stuff we did before is definitely heavier now. Those same elements are there; we’re just spending a little more time on the heavy stuff. But at the same time I think there’s way more melody. Maybe not in the stuff we’re playing out live, but it’s more violently happy. But it’s also very ironically bleak ya know, as far as tone goes.

DM: Track seven on your CD [I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love] is called Skylines and Turnstiles. Is it true that it was inspired by September 11?

Gerard: Yeah, and in fact that event happening was a big thing about why we started the band because, I was on my to a meeting with Cartoon Network and then that happened and I was like what the fuck am I doing with my life.

DM: You saw it happen? You were in the city?

Gerard: Yeah, I was in Hoboken, on the way there. I was right across the river and I was on my way in right around that, very close to that area, but more around Canal, and I was like what the fuck am I doing?

DM: It made you feel like life’s too short and you need to go for what you want?

Gerard: Yeah, yeah exactly. Like obviously life is way too short, you don’t know when your numbers coming and I also felt like I wasn’t making a difference at all, ya know what I mean?

DM: There are a couple theories circulating about your repeated mention of vampires in your lyrics. Can you clear that up?

Gerard: It’s a metaphor for being in your twenties and getting sucked into that singles, alcoholic nightlife culture, ya know what I mean? It’s interesting, because you’ll find that a lot of bands use the supernatural as a gimmick, and that’s really all it is, it’s just like horror punk, and that’s all it is. We’re not really into vampires. I like to wear black, but…

Contact Danielle@equalmusic.com for more about My Chemical Romance. Check them out on select Warped Tour Dates later this year

[verstakult]

qatar gp 2024: penalties and safety cars galore indeed. here is an attempted compilation of all the notable incidents and penalties (+ penalty points) that fia threw around like free cookies

im attempting this in a chronological order following the issuance of the penalties but. they were so many things happening so whatever we ball. and as always thank you my fantastic f1 mother @missed-apexes

so first of all. we all know of the max one position grid penalty (+1 pp) but of course, he beautifully overtook george right off in turn 1! love that for him

first crash, esteban, franco, and nico collision. franco and esteban were out, nico slightly damaged (?)

first penalty issued in the race: alex & lance collision. stroll retires eventually, while getting a 10s penalty. he might serve this next race?

lewis hamilton had a false start. 5s penalty.

bottas and lawson near-collision(?). apparently liam understeered/spun and bottas had to go wide to avoid. liam gets 10s penalty (+2 pp).

insert zhou's very magnificent overtaking yuki!

george was consistently on p2 and pitted but was fucked over by his 7s pit stop. rest in rip.

alex's wing mirror fell on the track. the shot of the singular mirror lying there on the track was comical but the delay of sc or any actions taken about it is insane even the commentators were confused

bottas drove over the wing mirror, got damage. the debris fluttered all over the track and caused puncture to lewis and sainz.

safety car for the debris was finally deployed 4 LAPS LATE (wtf race control)

perez lost drive, dropped to the last from what i remember was p5-6, and retired. not sure if this was during or after the safety car ended.

nico hulkenberg also out. his tyres just. gave out and he spun. at this point survival is optional in the qatar gp.

another safety car here. perez riding the scooter can be seen

lando not lifting during double waved yellow flags on the straights (this happened before the sc was deployed for the debris). 10s stop/go penalty (+3 pp). this was a massive gamechanger for the podium as he was stable on p2. and a stop/go specifically... well, as a mclaren hater i rejoiced. (3 penalty points is crazy though)

another collision for alex, with k-mag this time. 10s penalty (+2 pp) for alex.

lewis apparently did a lil speeding in the pitlane. drive-through penalty.

lewis was told to retire the car but ignored it.

george did a sc infringement (which i did not see so im not sure what exactly happened). a fia update stated his car was more than 20 car lengths behind, when it is supposed to be 10. 5s penalty (+1 pp).

DRIVER OF THE DAY: ZHOU GUANYU (P8) im so happy for him. literally carried kick's points this season (4 points).

podium result: max p1, charles p2, oscar p3, and it's insane charles did all that without drinking because his drinking system broke. forza ferrari.

charles is now only 8 points behind norris in the wdc!

birth of gax/rustappen beef ;

outside race bonus: max being extremely pissed at george, saying he's lost all respect for him and can't stand him because "he's always acting polite in front of cameras but inside there he's a completely different person." gax beef in 2024... interesting.

edit: addition on the last point as requested by oomf, in the press conference max stated that george was trying all he can to screw max over and pushing for the penalty. max kept trying to explain he has no motives to screw other cars over, and he's going slow following other cars' slow laps, but it felt like talking to a wall. basically, max called george a fake two-faced bitch (he didn't say this but you know what i mean) and lost all respect to him.

funny to note that this is max's 63rd win.

it is also worth noting that before the race, max had told george on the drivers parade holding room, something along the lines of "hope you and your fia mates are happy with what you've done." and according to ted the quote was actually much ruder. POP OFF

max has unfollowed george on instagram nevermind folks apparently max never followed him

stats summary ;

5 dnfs

8 penalties (incl. max's)

3 safety cars

4 collisions

9 penalty points issued (incl. max's)

1 beef

fia really said fuck your british bias allegations and went on rage mode. what the hell lmao. also shoutout to williams mechanics. you all deserve so much bonuses.

(will update more once fia docs start rolling in).

[gamerwoo]

Bang Chan: The Girl Who Didn't Cry Wolf (Part Six)

Characters: Bang Chan x fem reader

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, fantasy, enemies-to-lovers-ish??, slowburn, werewolf/alpha!chan, (werewolf)hunter!reader, angst, fluff at the end, hurt/comfort (literally), knives, cutting open wounds, mentions of blood and puss and scars [dialogue in bold is meant to be korean]

Word count: 6,085

Summary: You've learned to do whatever you can to protect yourself after an incident almost a decade ago had your father and brother dragging you to a new country to start all over even though they blamed you for what happened. After finding yourself stuck in a house of werewolves, you're forced to come to terms with your feelings over what happened back home when the alpha imprints on you and his pack claims they're keeping you prisoner. You know exactly how this will end if you give in, and yet you can't seem to get yourself to leave the sweet and charming werewolf who's willing to do anything to make you comfortable. You're just hoping that maybe there'll be a good end this time.

Previous | Next | TGWDCW Masterlist

You waited another day to see if your side would get any better but it still hurt, and it was still shiny and red. It was even hot to the touch which you knew wasn’t good. You decided it most likely was infected, and you would take care of it once everyone went to bed that night. The problem was waiting that long because it hurt more than it did the last few days, so even just sitting the wrong way made you almost whimper in pain.

“Do you wanna go for a walk?” Chan asked as he walked into the den.

You looked up from your book, laying across one of the couches so it would cause less strain on your side, “No thank you.”

He frowned, “Why? You always like leaving the house, you said it’s boring staying inside.”

“Yeah, but…” you paused for a moment to think of a good excuse, “this one part is getting really good.”

Chan squinted at your book before giving you a look like he knew you were lying, “The Ultimate Guide to Gardening?”

“...I finally got to string beans.”

He sighed and took the book from between your hands, “_____, what’s wrong? Ever since Minho said...that to you, you haven’t wanted to do anything. Are you…depressed maybe?”

You knew Chan would go insane if he found out you were actually depressed being with him and living in his house. You weren’t, but if he ever thought you were, he’d surely go berserk trying to figure out what to do and how to fix it.

“If anything were going to make me depressed, it would be whatever’s goin’ on up here,” you pointed to your head, signifying your conflicting thoughts that hadn’t stopped since you first laid eyes on Chan, “rather than whatever comes out of Minho’s stupid mouth. I swear, I’m fine.”

“Did someone else say something?” he wondered.

“No.”

“Is it something physically bothering you?”

“No.”

“You know you can tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

Chan was frustrated, he made it clear when he groaned and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on the strands, “Can you please just tell me so I can help you? It’s not healthy being cooped up inside all the time. You haven’t been outside in over 24 hours.”

“You’re the one who imprinted on a werewolf hunter,” you reminded him. “Stubborness is a given.”

“That’s still not my fault, it was out of my control,” he explained for the umpteenth time, “and stop trying to change the subject.”

Something else that was different after your talk with Chan was that you two hadn’t been that close again since. You went back to sleeping alone in your room, and the most contact the two of you had was his hand on your shoulder or back. It wasn’t that you told him to stop, but you didn’t necessarily make any moves to be closer to him. Your body did crave that contact again – more than just those touches, actually – but your mind would implode. You were still fighting with yourself and needed to be away from him, otherwise you knew you’d just turn into putty in his hands.

And then probably cry again. Which you were still embarrassed about.

“I’m tired, okay?” you lied easily. “I don’t sleep that well.”

He didn’t seem shocked by this. You knew he knew that you were hardly sleeping, so technically you weren’t lying to him. It just wasn’t the real reason you didn’t feel like moving lately.

“_____…” he sighed and knelt on the floor beside you. You twitched to sit up until you remembered you’d probably wince and give yourself away. “What can I do to help you sleep better? Have you tried Felix’s bed, maybe? It might be warmer.”

“It’s not that,” you shook your head. “The thoughts keep me up at night.”

Again, another not-lie.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he offered.

Your eyes narrowed slightly in an accusatory way, “You just want to stay with me again.”

“No, I–” he paused and then shrugged. “Well, yeah. But no.”

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head, “Give me one more night and if I don’t get a good night's sleep, you can…y’know.”

His eyes brightened but his mouth fell into a frown. You knew he was excited, but he was afraid you felt pressured to say that, “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

“I know, but the only time I slept well was when I…stayed with you…”

He sighed softly, patting your hand that rested on the couch close to his shoulder, “Alright, _____. If that’s what you want.”

You scoffed and smiled, “Don’t act like you weren’t waiting for me to give in.”

“I just want you to finally get some sleep, ba-” he cut himself off, something you noticed he did a lot. You assumed he was about to call you pet names and realized he shouldn’t in case it made you uncomfortable. “I want things to get better for you.”

“Me too.”

-

You waited for about an hour after Chan left the bedroom after saying goodnight to get up and go to the bathroom. It wasn’t abnormal for you to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom so you hoped he wouldn’t assume anything of this. Maybe he was already asleep anyway – you did your best to keep your heartbeat and breathing even so he’d think you were safe and sound asleep.

Quietly closing the door, you locked it and flipped the light on before lifting up your shirt and peeling the bandage off. The ugly red and sheen were still there. You took a deep breath, going through the cupboards to get the leftover medicine that Chan had originally cleaned the wound out with, as well as the ointment you put over it to help it heal, and a pair of scissors that they kept with the medical supplies. With everything ready, you took the scissors in your hand and tried to steady your breathing.

You can do this, you told yourself, Just do it quick like back home.

Before you could do anything, though, there was a loud knock on the door, causing you to drop the scissors with a clatter that seemed somehow too loud.

“_____?” it was Felix’s voice that was talking to you. “Your heartbeat is really fast. Are you okay?”

Why is he awake? you asked yourself in a panic because you were pretty sure everyone was asleep like, y’know, normal people.

Obviously, your panicked silence mixed with the weird clang of metal made the wolf think you were definitely not okay. He had no problem forcing the door open and seeing your makeshift surgery setup on the counter of the bathroom sink. Then his golden eyes zeroed in on the inflamed wound on your side, sucking in a breath.

“That doesn’t look good…” he commented with a quiet tone, walking forward to examine it better. “How long has it been like this?”

“Few days,” you mumbled, embarrassed that you’d gotten caught.

Felix sighed, his warm fingertips brushing the wound every so slightly, but still enough for you to wince, “Yeah, this isn’t going to get better on its own. We’ll have to clean it out again. Although...it seems like that’s what you were trying to do.”

He glanced up at you through his lashes with a pointed look.

You frowned and stared anywhere but at the wolf, your face warming up, “I just didn’t want Chan knowing, okay? If I fixed it myself, he wouldn’t have anything to worry about or anyone to fight with it about.”

Felix straightened and cocked his head to the side slightly, “None of us can heal this for you without him knowing. I mean, maybe we could sneak you out to Josh, but we wouldn’t get back until morning…”

“No,” you hissed. “Chris absolutely cannot find out. If he knows this is infected, he’s gonna scream at Seungmin.”

It was no secret that Seungmin and Minho were on thin ice with the alpha. After Minho’s latest remark to you and how poorly he was treating you when he ran into you, and the two of them assaulting you twice, this would be the final nail in the coffin for sure.

Felix seemed to mull over your condition as he bit his lip as stared at the claw marks. He definitely had to do something about this, but how was he going to heal this himself and keep this from your mate? Chan knew everything that went on when it came to you. Hell, he probably could sense something was wrong while he slept right now. But Felix couldn’t just let you walk around with it infected or let you try to fix it yourself.

“Fine,” he finally sighed, staring at the tiled floor, “but I’ll need help from some of the others. Probably Changbin and Jisung.”

You nodded, “Anyone but Chan.”

-

You were laying down on the desk in Changbin’s room, looking up at the ceiling as several wolves ‘prepped you for surgery’ as Jisung put it. You still weren’t very comfortable with having any of the wolves touch you, but you refused to use Chan as a security blanket right now. If he found out that the wound Seungmin gave you was infected, he’d not only kill Seungmin, but he’d never leave your side for the rest of your life.

So you just stared at the ceiling and kept your thoughts to yourself, waiting for the wolves to be ready to cut you open or whatever their plan was. Minho seemed way too casual about it as he watched with arms folded, while the other three seemed kind of stressed about the whole ordeal. You didn’t really blame them since he had to keep this from their alpha, but why was Minho humming to himself and acting perfectly fine? Why was he even here other than the fact he had woken up because him and Jisung still had to share a bed?

Then again, he was also the one who hated you and was probably hoping you would bleed out or something. If you died and Chan managed to live through the heartbreak, he’d just find a new mate. Seemed like a win/win for Minho so he'd probably want to witness it.

You hated that you had that thought because it just made you feel worse, so you tried not to think about it.

“Okay,” Changbin sighed, stepping over to you with a sharp pocket knife in one hand, and a glass jar in the other, “let’s get this over with. Jisung?”

“Y-yeah,” Jisung’s eyes snapped to Changbin, the younger wolf clearly on-edge. “I’m ready.”

“We’re gonna start now,” Felix told you.

“You know the best option is to just tell Chan, right?” Minho asked, looking between the three wolves. “He’s the only thing that can take the pain away unless we bring her to one of the healers.”

“She had a point when she said he’ll reem Seungmin for this,” Changbin pointed out, looking back at Minho. “Do you want to break up a fight at midnight?”

When Minho just rolled his eyes and conceded, Changbin put the two objects on the desk beside you before opening up the jar. He spread the contents over your wound, numbing it so you wouldn’t feel as much of the pain as normal. Then Felix held up a t-shirt that he’d rolled up the long way.

You eyed him warily, “What’s that for?”

He frowned, “Just…put it in your mouth; trust me...”

You obediently opened your mouth and let the wolf place the cloth between your teeth. Then you realized it was to muffle your cries of pain – you hoped this would quiet most of the noise so Chan wouldn’t wake up. You hoped he was too sound asleep to hear you, but just in case, you’d have to try to be as quiet as possible.

“Ready?” Changbin asked, but the question was aimed at you now.

You nodded, not saying anything with the towel in your mouth.

Changbin looked over to the younger wolf, “Do you want to clean the wound or help hold her down?”

Jisung’s eyes widened in horror, while Minho’s widened for a different reason.

“Hold her down?” Minho repeated, sounding almost…excited.

“I don’t know if I can handle…all of that…” Jisung admitted, eyeing your wound.

“You make all of the medicine but can’t handle what it’s for?” Changbin asked.

“I’ll hold her down,” Minho immediately volunteered without any prompt to do so.

Changbin shot Minho a dirty look before he sighed, “Just help Minho hold her. Felix, try to comfort her, okay?”

Felix nodded, “Got it.”

The three wolves shifted around, Jisung and Minho standing on either side of you with their hands braced on your shoulders. Felix stood between them and looked down at you with his classic bright smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it usually did.

You saw Changbin pick something up out of the corner of your eye, and then you felt something sharp poke your side, but it was bearable. It wasn’t until Changbin dragged the blade of the knife down one of the scratches that you felt white hot pain in your side that made you arch off the table and groan into the shirt while your eyes screwed shut.

“It’s okay,” Felix shushed you as one of Minho’s hands moved down to your hip to force your body back down, “it’ll be over soon.”

“If she moves, I’ll accidentally cut where I’m not supposed to,” Changbin warned, his golden eyes staying trained on the wounds the whole time.

You bit down on the fabric as hard as you could, trying not to make any noise. You were sure your jaw was going to snap from how hard you were clenching on the shirt, and you couldn’t stop the tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, slipping out and down your temples to your hair. Felix tried to wipe most of them away while Jisung and Minho pressed you down into the wooden desk.

Changbin began cutting open the second one, sucking in a sharp breath when he saw just how much blood and puss there was. He was so sure they had cleaned the wound out, so he wondered if maybe somehow stress was affecting the healing process. Or maybe Chan just didn’t do the best job of cleaning it despite how thorough he was with wounds. Or maybe it was some third thing they didn’t know about. He wasn’t sure.

The whine you let out was bordering a scream, the third one hurting more than the others, and all three wolves by your head tried to calm you this time. Changbin paused and leaned his head toward the door like he was listening, before the door opened and a very-tired-looking Seungmin came in with a half-asleep Jeongin and a slightly-terrified Hyunjin behind him, taking in the scene before them: you laying on the desk desk, three of his brothers holding you down, Changbin cutting your side open, and all the blood and fluid coming out of you and onto the towels Changbin had laid out.

“What the fuck are you–?!”

Before Jeongin could even finish his question, Minho was in front of him, gripping the back of his head with one hand and firmly placing the other hand over his mouth, “If you wake up her mate, we’ll do this to you too. Got it?”

“We’re just draining her wound,” Changbin explained, not looking away from his work. “It’s infected pretty badly.”

Seungmin quickly gathered everything he needed to know, and realized this meant his ass was on the line, “You better know how to fix that before Chan wakes up.”

“A ‘thank you’ might be better than a threat,” Changbin sneered.

Jeongin, however, had decided he didn’t want any part in the ordeal, yawning, “You never saw me in here,” before he left the room.

“Channie is gonna be so mad,” Hyunjin panicked, looking around the room for at least one sane person.

“Then go back to bed so it’s one less person to be mad at,” Changbin said gruffly. “I’m busy.”

But instead, he closed the door and went to stand by Felix. Changbin called Minho back over to help with you, and Seungmin followed behind him and stood at the foot of the desk, taking everything in. You were squirming and crying, and Changbin couldn’t do anything when you were moving around so much.

“I know, _____,” Changbin sighed as Minho stood on the other side of him and put his hands firmly on your abdomen, “I’m sorry. I’m…almost done.”

This time when the door opened, you knew it could only be one person – unless Jeongin randomly decided he did want to be involved. But your eyes were so filled with tears that it became too blurry to see, and you couldn’t even keep your eyes open because of the pain.

Despite that, the voice you heard shook you to your very core, and actually sent pure fear straight through you. You’d never heard Chan sound this angry – not since the first night.

“What are you doing to her?!” Chan roared right before you felt his large, familiar hands cupping your face.

You didn’t dare open your eyes to meet his that you already knew were red with rage. But you weren’t going to let him get angry at his brothers who were only trying to help you. But you still had a shirt in your mouth being held there by your jaw that wouldn’t unclench because of the pain, therefore, you couldn’t do much to back up the wolves.

“Chan, the wound is infected,” Changbin told him, his voice trying to calm the alpha. “Look.”

When you heard him suck in a sharp breath, you knew he saw all the blood and puss that was in the wound. But then you heard the growl of Seungmin’s name leave his mouth, and you blindly tried to find your mate. Your hands flailed and searched, but Chan was already backing Seungmin into a corner.

“Um, a little help might be nice,” Minho spoke up. “Considering she’s, y’know, in severe pain.”

He paused and his head whipped around. Then he was rushing over to your side and crouching down beside you, his eyes full of hurt as he let out soft whimpers.

“_____,” Chan’s voice was much softer than it was previously, and the shirt was removed from your mouth, “I’m so sorry I let this happen.”

You opened your eyes now that the tears had cleared out more, and the pain of Changbin opening the first three scratches had become a dull, burning ache – you almost wanted to thank him for stopping before he went on to the final scratch. Chan’s eyes were still red, but they were soft when they looked at your paling face. You placed a hand on his cheek and felt somewhat better when Chan leaned into your touch.

“Please don’t get mad at Seungmin,” you croaked, stroking his cheek with your thumb. “Or any of them; they’re only trying to help.”

“You wouldn’t have to be in this mess if Seungmin hadn’t–”

“Seungmin didn’t know,” you cut him off with a whine, knowing it would be difficult defending the younger wolf from his alpha’s anger. “Nobody thought anyone would imprint on...the idiot hunter that broke in. He just wanted to protect his brothers.”

“Chan? Help?” Changbin prompted again, breaking the two of you out of your conversation. “I still have to get this last one open before she loses too much blood and I need you to help.”

Chan moved away from you, and your hand dropped back off the desk. Changbin moved slightly to the side to make room for him as Chan placed his large, warm hands on either side of your wound.

“I wish you asked me to do this originally,” he grumbled as his hands started to feel warmer and warmer, and the pain in your side faded more and more. Chan sucked in a sharp breath as he winced. “Can’t believe you let her be in this much pain.”

“Don’t worry, it gets worse,” Changbin told him before he placed the tip of his bloodied knife at the last mark. “Ready?”

He nodded, bracing himself for the worst of it.

Meanwhile, your body slowly untensed, relaxing onto the table. You didn’t feel anything. You wondered if Changbin was waiting for you to completely relax before he started again, but you just breathed heavily and enjoyed not feeling the sharp, hot pain of the knife. You actually didn’t even feel the sting of the other wounds Changbin had cut into your side. You felt a little warm there, but that was it. It was nice. You almost fell asleep like that.

Chan, however, felt everything. He twitched in the opposite direction of the side he felt the intense pain. He bit down on his lip, trying to keep his sounds of pain to himself but letting out grunts as his eyes squeezed shut. Seungmin could see from where he was standing that three claw marks had already been scarred into his side, matching the ones on yours. And as Changbin dragged the knife, the fourth one was carved into his skin.

These scars were bigger than most of the others that littered his skin. He had a few on his neck, and only a couple on his face. But the rest of his body – mostly his torso and arms – were covered. And yours were now his newest addition.

“Are you okay, _____?” Felix’s deep voice pulled you up from the waves of grogginess that were washing over you.

“”M okay,” you mumbled, your eyes closed. You were too tired and still felt the ghost of the pain you had felt before Chan’s hands were on you.

“How do you feel?”

“Warm…”

Felix looked to Chan, who was catching his breath after Changbin finally brought the knife away and began cleaning at the wound. This hurt less, but was still painful nonetheless and made him wince with every pass of the clean cloth and cotton balls that Changbin used.

“She’s tough, I’ll give her that,” Minho mumbled as he looked down at your face.

Your breathing was even through your lips and the pack could tell you’d fallen asleep. It was probably for the best anyway. 

“You alright, Channie?” Changbin asked quietly once he was done cleaning you up, looking down at the alpha that had removed his hands from your side and sat back on the floor, laying back on the floor.

His skin was covered in a sheen of sweat, so the cool hardwood felt nice on his back.

“I don’t know how she stood that,” he breathed, one arm laying across his forehead as he laid there with his eyes closed.

“Masochist,” Minho suggested, trying to lighten the mood.

Seungmin stayed silent, still standing in the corner where Chan had backed him into. His eyes stayed on your unmoving body, but his expression was unreadable.

-

The only thing keeping Chan from ripping Seungmin’s head off was making sure you were safe and would wake up. He stayed beside you as Changbin and Jisung worked to drain your wound properly and patch it back up, and he stayed beside you after he tucked you into his bed in a large t-shirt of his. 

Now, Chan was sitting on the hardwood floor, his hand reaching up to stroke your hair and cheek as he studied your face. He wanted to hold you closer but if you woke up with him like that, it might freak you out.

“Hey, Chris?” Felix spoke up as he entered the room. The alpha didn’t look at him, but hummed in acknowledgement. “I don’t think you should be so hard on Seungmin.”

“It’s his fault for scratching her in the first place,” Chan stated harshly. “He deserves whatever comes to him.”

“She told you not to be angry with him,” Felix reminded him, “and I know you can’t ignore that. She’ll be upset with you if she finds out you did anything to him.”

“Not that it’s any of my business,” Jeongin began as he wandered in through the open door, “but I couldn’t sleep because of all the noise, and from what I heard, I can’t help but think she didn’t want you to worry about her. Hyunjin said she told everyone not to tell you what they were doing.”

At that, Chan turned his head, “Why would she not want me to worry?”

“Because she does care about you, idiot,” the youngest wolf sighed. “She’s said it before – we’ve heard all the breakdowns.”

“It’s conflicting, we know, but she can’t help how she feels, either,” Felix said with a shrug. “Emotions are hard. We all know that.”

“Why would she care if I’m upset with Seungmin or not, though?” the alpha quizzed.

“I think that’s her way of caring about you and your relationship with us. You know how Minho and Seungmin are sometimes? I think that’s just her all the time.”

Chan turned back to you, watching your sleeping form. He wondered if you’d wake up soon so he could just ask you himself. He didn’t care how long it took, he’d coax the answer out of you even if it took days. He wanted to know if you really did truly care for him enough that you’d go through all this trouble so he wouldn’t worry about it. He thought it was stupid of you but it still was sweet if it was true.

Like you were connected enough to hear his silent plea, you shifted a bit and your eyes fluttered open. The three wolves studied your movements carefully as you pushed yourself to sit up, wincing and hissing in pain. Chan helped you up the rest of the way, doing most of the work until you were sitting up against the headboard.

“How do you feel, _____?” Felix wondered quietly, keeping his voice low so as to not scare you. “Are you still dizzy?”

“No,” you shook your head as you rubbed your eyes that still stung from crying, “my side is just sore.”

“Which is normal,” the freckled boy shrugged. “Changbin said if it’s still looking rough in a couple of days, we’ll drain it again. Otherwise, keep applying the ointments. Jisung mixed up a new one that should help with keeping infection away.”

“I think it’s time to head back to bed,” Jeongin decided, putting a hand on Felix’s shoulder and nodding toward the door.

“Right,” he nodded like he just realized Chan probably wanted to talk to you privately – or, at least as privately as he could in a house full of werewolves that heard everything. “Have a good night, guys. Channie, please remember what we said, okay?”

Once the two boys made it out the door and Felix turned around to close it, Chan’s eyes looked at you. They were still their warm gold, but his expression was unreadable.

“That your power?”

His eyebrows furrowed at your question, not expecting the first thing out of your mouth to be that, “What?”

“I didn’t feel anything,” you mumbled, your eyes looking down to scan his exposed torso, “and you have those marks on your side where mine are. Those weren’t there before.”

He nodded a little, “I can take away others’ pain. The only catch is I feel it instead, and I get their scar, so…”

He held out his arms for you to see, rolling them over to examine all of the scars that littered his skin. It was silent, and then he let his arms rest on the bed beside you, both of you waiting for the other to say something.

“Are you mad at them?” you asked him quietly, finally breaking the silence. “Or me? …Or both?”

“Dunno,” he murmured as his eyes looked back at the blood-stained bandage covering your side. “Trying really hard to not be mad at all, but it’s hard.”

“I did this to me, not them,” you insisted, immediately going into defense mode. “I made Felix and Changbin and everyone promise not to tell you; I was basically holding the knife myself!”

His eyes darkened. You noted it was definitely a bad choice of words.

“_____, why did you keep this from me? You should’ve told me.”

You cast your eyes down to your bare lap, toying with your hands nervously. “Well...I thought it was getting infected and I wanted to fix it.”

“That doesn’t explain why you intentionally kept it from me. You made my entire pack swear to secrecy for what?” he pressed, sounding like a father scolding you.

“Because you’d get worried and get mad at Seungmin…” you admitted softly, still not making eye contact. It felt embarrassing to admit all of this to him. Was it because you were basically indirectly telling him that you do care and then it would set that in stone instead of it being kind of ambiguous by your actions? “I didn’t want to make you angry at anybody, and I didn’t want you to have to waste time worrying about me.”

“Listen to me,” he demanded softly, holding your chin gently and forcing you to look at him. His eyes were now sad as they bore into yours. “Worrying about you is not a waste of time. You’re constantly in my head; I think about you all the time. You’re never a waste of my time, _____. I love you and you know that.”

“But why do you love me when-”

“So this does have to do with Minho, too!”

Hot tears pricked your eyes, getting frustrated because you were making him angry at more person than one, when your goal was zero. “No, this is different!”

You hated yourself for being a frustrated cryer.

But having you cry, especially because of him, was the last thing Chan wanted. In a swift movement, he was sitting on the bed and had pulled you into his lap, cradling your head against his chest as he softly rocked you and shushed you, “I’m sorry. I’m not thinking right. I just...I’m angry at myself for not being able to help you or stop you from doing this. I hated seeing you like that. I think I almost died.”

You were going to make a, ‘no, I almost died’ joke just to lighten the mood but you knew it would upset Chan, so you just hid your face in his chest. This time, you would let yourself just rest there in his hold.

He held you closer, rubbing your back soothingly. He purred softly in approval at the amount of contact, and you were just as happy, albeit a little confused because of your heart battling your instincts. But were you making any movement to leave his hold anytime soon? Absolutely not.

“Please don’t be mad at them,” you mumbled, your words getting muffled by his chest. “Any of them. Not Seungmin or Changbin or Felix...even Minho.”

He sighed, trying to see it from your point of view. He felt he had to take it out on someone or something or he’d just make himself more miserable for not being there for you. He felt like a bad mate. 

“If you promise to always tell me when something’s wrong…” he began slowly before taking a deep breath to calm himself, “I won’t be angry with any of them. Although I do have some strong words for Minho for the things he said to you.”

You forgot Chan had been ignoring him ever since he found out the things he said about you being his mate. You pulled back a little to look up into his eyes. “I can’t tell you all the time.”

“You can try,” he smiled softly. “Promise me you’ll try?”

You nodded, “Promise.”

He cleared away any stray tears but continued to hold you in his arms, his back against the wall. 

“I know it’s late but...I don’t want to move,” he admitted with a warm laugh.

“My head is still screaming to run,” you laughed softly, your head resting against his shoulder.

“What about your heart?”

“God, Chris, that’s so cheesy,” you whined.

“Come on,” he laughed, carding his fingers through your hair, “just tell me.”

You sighed and closed your eyes, “I guess…I think it’s kinda nice.”

“It’s just a matter of getting that pretty little werewolf-hunting head of yours to agree.”

“How did you just...give in to it?”

He hummed softly as he thought it over, wanting to give an answer that might actually help you, “Well...I think part of it is that the feeling is much stronger for us. But I think it helped that I started to trust you being around my brothers. I knew they would still be safe with you here, so I didn’t have to hold myself back anymore. I had to be near you and make you happy.”

“So...I should just ignore my head?” you asked slowly, repeating what you’d gathered from his speech.

“I know it’s easier said than done,” he chuckled, moving his head to look down at you, “but it’s worth a shot. Just start small.”

Start small, huh? What’s something small you could do? Your eyes wandered around a bit before settling on his hand on your thigh. You carefully took it off your thigh and put your hand on his like you were measuring who had bigger hands – you noted that Chan’s were a bit larger. Then you laced your fingers through his, giving his hand a gentle squeeze that had his inner wolf grumbling with joy.

“Is this...okay?” you asked, still unable to make eye contact with him – especially now.

So you didn’t see his wide grin as he nodded, “This is perfect.”

-

It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep in his lap. You were exhausted, too exhausted to move, so you ended up knocking out while he hummed softly and told you stories of his brothers and the pack.

When he noticed you were asleep, he carefully shifted you onto the bed, laying you down and tucking you in before he got up, deciding to go sleep on the couch again. He thought you’d want it to yourself as he said you should take small steps, and he didn’t want to just assume he could sleep in the same room as you, even if it was in Felix’s bed. Although you’d slept in the same bed together before, that was when you said you wanted to. Now, he wasn’t sure, and it was better safe than sorry.

He laid down on the couch that was a little shorter and thinner than his bed, and tried to get as comfortable as he could. He laid in the dark, staring at the ceiling, and trying to listen to every move and sound you made in your sleep. That’s why it didn’t take him long to get to you about an hour later.

“No!” your tired voice gasped, and he jolted out of bed and ran up the stairs, taking them three at a time. Upon flinging the door open, he saw you were still sound asleep, the moonlight shining in onto your sleeping face. “No…”

Your brows were creased slightly, a small frown etched onto your face. You kept softly repeating ‘no’, so Chan took a cautious step in, wanting to wake you up in case you were having a bad dream.

“Finley…”

He paused. You’d mentioned Nolan, who was your brother. But…who was Finley?

He heard a bedroom door open a split second before he heard, “She’s already talking about other men?”

The voice made him jump and he quickly but silently closed your bedroom door. He whipped around to see Minho standing in the doorway, smirking playfully at the alpha, but it was clear he had woken up from the hour or so of sleep he’d gotten between then and everyone cleaning up after the incident.

But Chan just looked at him expressionlessly before turning and going back downstairs to the couch.

Minho’s expression fell as he watched his brother go.

»»————-　　————-««

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[roundandroundthemulberry]

The S7 Dean and Cas stuff is so intense and heartbreaking.

Dean keeps being denied his chance to be angry with Cas, it's so sad. Dean is trying to hold in his anger as much as possible, but his outburst scene hurts to watch, it just slightly triggering, as is too Cas’s look of contrition.

From Dean's point of view, it was so frustrating that he keeps being denied his chance to feel angry at Cas and to forgive him on his own terms. And he wants to forgive him, he's struggling with it, it's obvious he cares about him still and wants to get to that point but he keeps having to skip over the part where he gets to be furious with him for his betrayal for a bit.

He's got to deal with a Castiel that makes him play the game Sorry instead of actually talking through an issue which is, for once, something that Dean desperately needs and seems to almost want to do.

Although I think that's exactly what Cas was trying to do, albeit in a way that didn't really work. Cas was trying to communicate with Dean in his own kinda messed up way, but it didn't work for Dean at all.

That follow-up scene between Dean and Kevin - part Dean helping Kevin; part Dean talking about his own pain over what happened with Cas. He’s upset about Cas, truly upset that his hopes of Cas being okay were dashed. He may not be able to forgive Cas, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand or that he’s stopped caring. He just doesn’t know how to fix it.

Where Dean can’t begin to forgive - not yet, Sam understands. Because at this point of the show, Dean hasn't made such a colossal mistake yet, as compared to Sam.

Because Sam made such very similar mistakes, for such very similar reasons. It's interesting to watch how different Sam and Cas' reactions are in a relatively similar situation. Sam had also done terrible things and full-on hubris but at his lowest, Sam as a human, can dig deep into the wealth of emotions that we humans gather for as long as we are alive, and those can shine a light and guide us in moving forward.

Whereas Cas, he is an angel, who just simply can't handle the guilt, who is practically new to the ebb and flow of emotions and feelings. For Cas, this is a very different sort of sensation than for Sam. Sam's human and he knows that humans fail and make mistakes. And in Cas's mind, he honestly pictured himself as this "good" thing, he is the good guy, the good angel. And now all of that is gone, destroyed, and by his own hand. He can't view himself as unqualifiedly "good" anymore. He now knows that he can make mistakes and that each choice he makes has consequences because he decides what's right and wrong, free will, and all that.

And that must be terrifying when his choices can bring upon the most horrible of consequences. So it's easy to see why Cas' initial impulse is to try to stay away from fighting and any kind of conflict. It is about protecting himself and maybe others from himself. Initially, I believed that something was “wrong” with Cas, but actually, he was exactly as he wanted to be.

After taking Sam’s burden, he was changed as a result of what he’d done in S6. As infuriating as it was for Dean to experience this version of Cas, I think that it was clear that Cas was drowning in guilt. He's been drastically changed by his attempt to atone by taking on Sam's pain. This was his way of overcompensating. Cas made no effort to assert authority over these angels from his former garrison whatsoever. He doesn’t seem interested in power at all, even if that power will help Dean and Sam. He doesn’t like conflict. This is from the angel who went toe to toe with both Lucifer and Raphael. He’s riddled with guilt for the lives he ended and destroyed on his quest to stop Raphael, for siding with Crowley, for hurting Sam. It’s still too much for him to face, especially in his vulnerable state. How long he’ll stay neutral?

He still cares about Dean, stepping in between and attracting Hester’s attention unto himself as she was getting over-exasperated with Cas by blaming and advancing onto Dean. So what happens when Dean is threatened during his next pursuit of the Leviathans? He gets in between Dick fucking Roman and Dean.

Cas with PTSD having a fixation on bees and gardens and making the perfect sandwich in late S7 somehow got absorbed into fanon to the point where people started to believe that’s canonical Cas. Bees Cas is a confused little meow meow who never did anything wrong. The things late S7 Cas fixates on are an amplification of his genuine fascination with life on earth, and one aspect of Cas is gentleness and appreciation, but those traits are not the whole picture, it’s what his brain uses as a buffer as he goes into shock and has a lengthy PTSD episode. PTSD Cas isn’t empathetic, he’s detached. He’s non-confrontational, non-violent, in that sense he is kind, but he’s not mentally or emotionally present for the people who need him most, who love him and who care, which isn’t empathy.

The arc gets used to mix fanon with canon, and the fanon version seeks a Cas who is an innocent meow meow who never did anything wrong ever (canon doesn’t do this. fanon does). Far too often that’s used to perpetuate the negative fanon of mean Dean, where Cas is his victim. The more innocent and soft and idealized the fanon on Cas becomes—and people believing that’s canon—the more that got weaponized to label Dean “the abuser” who is mean to ultra soft Cas who just wants to watch the bees.

Cas’s mental breakdown put him into a numb bubble, and that is the opposite of who Cas is. Cas feels too much all the time, and lacks context and experience to help him process all the feelings. Over time, we see him grow more comfortable in his own skin and with those emotions and expressing them in ways humans can comprehend instead of Cas just feeling and FEELING and trying to keep it locked down or running away from it.