#which DOES NOT mean im saying hes like. oblivious about sex stuff or whatever

[paradoxspaceheater]

honestly i’d be lowkey terrified if somebody who wasn’t aspec talked about this hc, but i kind of really like the idea of asexual jgy,,, i think he’s got a lot of baggage around the topic generally (for understandable reasons) but mostly just. doesn’t ever really care about sex on a personal level!

he and qin su only consummate their relationship for political reasons, and like. if she knows he’s not really interested in sex it wouldn’t come as a shock to her that he doesn’t want to do that again. he’s good enough at pretending he still has romantic feelings for her that she doesn’t think anything has changed at all

anyway it works well enough with canon and i’m lowkey tired of people sexualizing him so much all the time so join me on the biromantic ace jgy agenda we have. cake?

[misterbitches]

what i like abt muren and li chen

i’m sorta burned out and my vagina is bleeding so lemme see if i can type this. probably can lmao. my brain is going ten miles a minute.

1. the fact that they were friends first.

 someone on here said this and idk who but i don’t want to seem like it was my idea. 

the fact that they are friends and didn’t have like a connection previously and it developed. most times friends-to-lovers has a basis of some sort of romantic interest from another person so they were not truly ever friends, you know? and many relationships people aren’t friends first but that’s the best kind. and they are the truest form in that (i wouldnt say truest means good but just i think a representation of) they were truly friends, no attraction at least consciously, and were lead into it. 

2. bc they know each other well and are friends they know each other and LAUGH and if you can’t laugh with your love then there is no point. 0. lmao. i love it

idk they fell easily in2 the luvy duvy part and u can actually believe they are into each other like outside of kissing. gee. also hello! when lichen like threw the heart in the office and muren caught it? bitch! i woulda been like ew!!!!! and blushed but muren was like that’s right that’s my bitch

3. bouncing off 2 um uhhhhh the way they interact so i guess this is 2 but whatver i like lists now

muren is >:O but super sweet and receptive to others. so he responds to people and it isn’t just stoic for stoic sake or with not much substance. idk how to say this but oftentimes sometimes i feel like characters will be too oppositional to offset their partner and it can be extremely annoying to watch because it’s part of the dynamic but sometimes there’s a lack of reciprocation. i like that even if muren is quiet he smiles a lot and lets people know through his actions and shit. esp his mans. and when he needs to talk, he will. 

lichen is perfect for this because of reasons. what do you even say about this dude holy shit. first of all he really is a fucking himbo. he’s not even dumb he’s just a fucking himbo. it’s great to say the way they express their excitement and the best thing to hear, “i can be myself around you”

4. u cannnot tell me that this top/bottom discourse is actually not ridiculous esp for them bc there is no way that my eyes are seeing what i see yet there’s some struggle when they’re trying to constantly grapple with the masculine/feminine aspects (this is a good thing)

with the way that they hang off each other. esp bc lichen is shorter than him and stockier and he can attach himself like a barnacle. the way he expresses glee and love is very “feminine” at times IE reliance, support, putting your head on his etc but then there are times when he is the one to hold muren too. so it’s like they are clearly on the same  level in how they exchange love and stuff and exploring the dynamics but it clearly isnt as structured as the usual ones and it shouldnt be so they should just stop talking about this shit cos ur both getting fucked god shut up

lichen squeals like a girl and is obsessed with him. he is clingy and also says “what do you want to do to me.” if this show is gonna sit us through the agony of this stupid discourse and they tell me they arent gonna sw*tch or whatever (not that they cant have other forms of sex bc that is not that difficultand as adults w eknow this but anywaaay) then they simply are wrong

5. the ~gay 4 u~ thing is dumb and i cannot believe it tbqh cos it’s like sir....but i am glad that lichen like expresses attraction to his physique and personhood as a man and acknowledging that that is something and a part of the attraction.

 it was probably a happy accident but it’s still a good one. there’s sometimes an idea of like sexual attraction being sorta nebulous when someone is like getting into a rship with the same gender but not being sure about their sexuality or whatever or still liking another gender explicitly where they cant admit they find things attractive or enticing even when they are in a same sex relationship and it is so fucking confusing and doesn’t make sense. i wish instead of trying to make it cut and dry they just went honestly mabye they dont know but theyre both men and thats a factor. ok lets move on now. :) 

6. they make u feel nice

especially in comparison to the show being messy and also there’s some crazy stalker man running around you know they temper that 

they’re just really fun to watch. it’s an interesting dynamic and particularly with xing si in their lives it’s nice and i’m so glad there’s no one else to ruin it like say a brother who is a waste of space. but it’s mostly good feelings for them and you can see why they like each other, that they can stay together, and how helpful a relationship can be as you grow as an individual

7. while i am sure there will be further misunderstandings...comm...unic...ation?

literally boys are dumb as hell but idk if my reading is correct on this one but SO FAR TO MOI im like wow u guys like actually talk. woah. and i think that’s nice. yest i had a breakdown in front of my fam bc i am sometimes emotionally stunted when faced with distress so it’s nice to see people talking that out in particularly with like jealousy and stuff

AND their interactions in public and the understanding. knowing it takes time and stuff for them to adjust and allowing them the time. they are extremely different to other people and they want to be distinct and they can be and arre to each other they dont need to follow anyone else’s rules (except the costume department sometimes needs to get better pants for muren like that’s my rule tbh but that’s neither here nor there)

did some1 call them emotional support himbos? i think so cos word. 

oh one more thing idk the name of the actor playing li chen and im too tired to look it up but i like him a lot i think he does a good job of going seamlessly between like a jubilant person and an actual human being. he plays well at being oblivious but not outright stupid and emotionally stunted or not picking up certain signals. i think at times it seems like he doesn’t always have a sense of self  like trying to be something else for other people but then he realizes like he can’t do that so all he can do is be himself which leads him 2 his mans but yea. the actor does a decent job! it’s a fun character to wathc

[jeontaeh]

〚THIRTY NINE〛

Jungkook got confronted by Hoseok, Yoongi, and Namjoon a week later.

He was in the library during the study period, listening to Dolly Parton while doing math homework. Because nothing solved calculus like some good old country music! He was halfway done when he heard a clearing of a throat.

"Jeon." A voice came abruptly, and Jungkook took his earphone out and looked up, raising his eyebrow when he saw the three boys. Namjoon in his glasses, Yoongi with his disheveled shirt sticking out of his trousers, and Hoseok looking slightly nervous.

"What?" Jungkook asked, voice flat.

With everything that had been going on so far in the school year, three of his best friends suddenly shunning him and pretending like he never existed was one of the worst. He was close to them. Maybe not how close he was to Jimin, but it still counted.

They ate lunch together every single day. Jungkook used to help Yoongi with his Chemistry assignments. Hoseok used to call Jungkook 'Kookie Boy' and always grin when Jungkook scowled. Namjoon used to help Jungkook with his English homework, always ruffling his hair afterward.

To just... ignore him like that. To completely push him away and even actively make homophobic remarks towards him. It sucked.

"We wanted to talk to you." Hoseok stated, and Jungkook saw the orange haired boy and then bit his lip.

"Okay..." Jungkook trailed and then saw Namjoon sigh. "Jungkook- we came here to apologize. About being so... rude about the gay thing."

Jungkook stilled. He looked at them with widened eyes. Hoseok nodded. "We were assholes to you. You don't deserve that, Jungkook! I've been wanting to apologize for ages, honestly. It just... it occurred to us suddenly how badly we fucked up." Hoseok mumbled.

"Why now?" Jungkook asked, and then saw Yoongi give him a look.

"Yesterday at football practice- one of the guys made a homophobic comment towards Sehun. Sehun didn't say anything, but V got really mad and yelled at everyone. Said stuff about how we were being ignorant and shouldn't make jokes like these." Yoongi said, hands in pockets.

Jungkook stilled. "Oh." Jungkook said, looking down at his notebook.

"We're sorry. Truly. Jin also kind of beat our ass." Namjoon said, and Jungkook bubbled out a giggle. "So yeah. We don't expect you to forgive us-"

"I don't. Not instantly. But- but people make mistakes. And you guys are still young, so the earlier you decide to change, the better." Jungkook said, giving the boys a small smile. Hoseok and Namjoon smiled brightly, while Yoongi just gave him a small smile. "I forgive you guys."

"Yay!" Hoseok said, and then jumped into the seat beside him, startling Jungkook. "You look bored as fuck doing maths. Let me show you this new track the three of us have been working on-" Hoseok said, taking his phone out.

"You guys do music now?" Jungkook gasped, grinning. It made him realize he hadn't had a proper conversation with them for months. Random small words exchanged during classes and football practice didn't count.

"Yeah! We rap." Namjoon said, and Jungkook giggled. "Or at least we try to." Yoongi added.

"I'm sure you're great! Let me hear it-" Jungkook said, and then got lost in mindless chatter with the boys.

///

kth_v

240 likes, 80 comments kth_v whats up broski

view comments...

eka11 change the caption instantly

jiminpark hottie thottie

eka11 @jiminpark "straight"

oohsehun wow

kth_v @oohsehun ?

minahearts you look so good 😍

eka11 v is so fucking hot

jeonjungkooks eka thats literally mex

eka11 mine too jungkook u aint special

jiminpark yall weird as fuck

jiminpark but he's hot tho mmm im straight but wow

jeonjungkooks why tf did sehun comment 'wow'

eka11 because he has eyes

jiminpark yah no offence i know u hate v or whatever but like damn must've been fun having sex with him

eka11 it really was

jeonjungkooks yeah

jeonjungkooks anyways u guys are the worst best friends why are you bringing up how good my 'ex' looks when im BOYCOTTING him

jiminpark sorry 👉🏻👈🏻

eka11 was he fun to top

jeonjungkooks i didnt?? top him?? why would i? im a Bottom 😙

jiminpark i know i saw the disposable vaginal douche in the garbage

eka11 omg i use that

jeonjungkooks omg wig

eka11 anyways wbk you're a bottom hows sehun been... is he still like 'fuck me daddy i'll be ur good little boy and take ur fat cock'

jeonjungkooks sehun has never said those words ever in his entire existence in humanity

jeonjungkooks and anyways idk we haven't had sex for a while

jiminpark 👀

jeonjungkooks like it just gets awkward so i just suck him off or something :/

eka11 no offense but why are u still dating him

eka11 he deadass cheated on u lmaooo

jiminpark didnt u cheat on like all of your boyfriends

eka11 this isnt about me

jeonjungkooks because he came over after that whole fiasco and i was crying he kind of comforted me and stuff and kept apologizing he told me that he was scared i dont like him back

jiminpark you dont

jeonjungkooks and idk i just had some fam issues so i was being mean to everyone sorry <3

eka11 its okay bby

eka11 but break up with sehun

jeonjungkooks i dont want to hurt him again! wait he texted me one sec

oohsehun babe there's a spring prom coming up omg lets go! matching clothes and all

jeonjungkooks we'll get bullied

oohsehun true

jeonjungkooks but sure sehunnie <3

oohsehun <3 <3 <3

///

"10-minute water break!" Coach announced, and the boys scurried off the field and towards the benches to go drink water. Taehyung heard him, but didn't care. He glared at the red circle on the goal post in front of him. He needed to hit the target at least once.

Taehyung hit the ball hard, fast. All the boys watched as the ball went straight towards the center of the goal, but missed the target by half an inch. The boys all gasped at how close he was, but Taehyung groaned to himself, crouching down and breathing heavily.

"V go get water. Don't exert yourself," Coach said, and Taehyung grumbled under his breath and stood up to walk over to the benches. The boys were all talking. Taehyung picked his water bottle and squeezed it tightly, squirting the water into his mouth.

"That's what good pussy tastes like."

"God, shut up." Taehyung begged Jackson, who huffed and turned away.

"Are you guys going for that Spring Prom shit?" Yoongi asked the guys, who hummed, some sounding annoyed. "Yeah. My girlfriend's making me. I rather stay in and fuck, but-"

"Tell me about it, bro. Talked to this girl one fucking time and suddenly I'm her boyfriend. She's making me go too. But we might have sex after, so I'm doing it." Another guy said.

"I'm going with Jungkook." Sehun said off-handedly, looking into space. Taehyung ignored how those simple words made it feel like someone straight up STABBED him.

"Dude... y'know ever since I've stopped thinking being gay was weird.... I realized liking dudes isn't much different than liking girls. Like, there are some dudes who are like... hella cute and shit. But I don't wanna date 'em. Y'know?" Jackson voiced. The boys snickered, some grimaced as if saying we don't know.

"You're probably just bicurious." Taehyung mumbled, and the guys looked at him, saw him wiping his sweat off with a towel. "Like you're straight but are into having sex with dudes too."

"Woah. That's a thing? Holy shit, I've been confused as fuck these past few weeks." Jackson gasped, and Taehyung hummed.

Sehun suddenly got up and left. Taehyung ignored him. He heard a gasp. "What does it mean if I like dick in my mouth?"

"You're fucking gay Bambam."

"Would you guys ever hook up with a dude? Like, for experimentation and shit?" Namjoon asked.

Jimin hummed. "Yeah. I wouldn't mind. How do I know I don't like it if I've never tried it?"

"Just like I know I wouldn't like your mom's pussy in my face."

"Fuck you."

"I guess I'd only hook up with a dude if I was really really into him. Not just like that." Mark mumbled, sounding weary.

"What about you, V?" Jin asked, looking at him. Taehyung looked at him, casually. He opened his mouth to speak. Right when he was about to-

"Guys Jungkook got us cookies," Sehun said brightly.

Taehyung didn't hear. "Nah I'd never fuck a dude. That's fucking gay, bro. I'm not into that kind of-"

Jimin coughed VERY loudly. Taehyung turned and saw Jungkook right behind him. Taehyung widened his eyes.

"Oh." Taehyung let out. Jungkook looked in disbelief. Taehyung's breath hitched. "Hey, um-"

"Seriously?" Jungkook asked, voice small. "Still?"

"Jungkook-" Taehyung tried, but Jungkook just snickered humorlessly and then moved away from Taehyung, grabbing Sehun.

"Meet me after practice." Jungkook said softly, and then kissed him on the mouth and turned around by the hell, walking away. Taehyung saw him walking away and sighed.

Jimin walked up to Taehyung after Sehun walked away, oblivious. Jimin looked at Taehyung. "How the fuck do you further fuck up something already so fucked up?"

"I don't know." Taehyung breathed out, and Jimin just shook his head, letting the boy deal with this mess himself. Taehyung saw Jungkook walk off the field as if he was disappointed, but not surprised.

"Boys, back on the field. Last one here has to take 3 laps-" Coach began, and all the boys got up and ran. Taehyung walked slowly, knowing he'd end up doing laps anyway because he stays back after practice to practice more these days.

"Okay boys. We've been target practicing to perfect our kick. And, I'll be honest, ya'll suck." Coach said, and the boys hung their heads low. "Like WOW. None of you hit the target even ONCE."

Taehyung pushed past the group of boys huddled in a circle and faced the open goal post which had the red circle in front of it. Still? Jungkook's words rang in his head. Taehyung saw the ball in front of it, and then took a few steps back.

Taehyung clenched his jaw and locked his ankle, eyes boring into the ball in front of him. He took a chaste step forward, hitting his planter foot to the right of the ball. His foot needed to control how the ball moved, rather than letting the ball control his foot-

Taehyung kicked the ball forcefully, feeling the power gliding smoothly down his calf to his foot as it merged with the ball and sent it spiralling towards the net. It hit the target perfectly.

The boys saw that and started clapping and shouting, some telling the coach that he took the L. Coach watched Taehyung and smirked, and Taehyung turned around and saw the boys.

"You're seriously as good as the pros," Youngjae said excitedly.

"We're so going to win our next match!" Hoseok said, jumping up and down.

Sehun suddenly shouted. Everyone froze and looked at him. Sehun groaned, putting his hands on his face.

"What're you doing, Coach?" Sehun asked, voice low. "Why'd you make me Captain?" Sehun asked wearily. Everyone widened their eyes, and Taehyung tensed.

"You alright kid?" Coach asked, and Sehun shook his head. He shook his head and then reached his hands behind his back and took his jersey off. He took the red material off and then chucked it on the floor.

"I don't want to be captain anymore. Not when V's clearly so much fucking better than me. It's not fair to him nor to the team." Sehun snapped, and Taehyung was frozen, eyes wide.

"Oh." Taehyung breathed out. Sehun was shirtless now, and breathed heavily. "I don't want to take something away from someone if it clearly belongs to them. And the position of Captain clearly belongs to you," Sehun said, and picked his jersey up and handed it to Taehyung.

"This is... really. Really fucking sick, dude." Taehyung said softly, in awe. "Fuck. I could kiss you right now." Taehyung grumbled to himself.

"R-really?" Sehun asked, eyes growing wide, glittering, cheeks turning a bit pink. Taehyung frowned at that.

"What? No. It was a fucking hyperbole- anyways! Thank you, Sehun. But I don't think Coach can-" Taehyung began, and then he heard a groan.

"Come on, coach! V should be Captain again! He's nice now, too! He apologised to Youngjae."

"He did WHAT?! Holy shit, he has changed!" Coach gasped, and then looked at Taehyung, who was gulping. "Look, kid. I have to discuss this with the principal-"

"Becoming Captain would help me get into a good school, coach." Taehyung said softly, hands coiled, eyes big. He reminded the coach of the kid he met four years ago, with ruffled brown hair and big brown saddened eyes, just sticking through because of the determination and passion he had for football.

"Jeez. Okay, um- I'll hold a vote tomorrow. After discussing it with the principal." Coach promised, patting Taehyung's back. "Now get back to practice!"

Taehyung smiled, and looked at Sehun, snickering. "You taking your shirt off was useless, by the way. This jersey has your name on it. Plus I still have my Captain's jersey-"

"It still made the statement though- you can't deny that." Sehun said, and then tugged his jersey back on.

"Thanks." Taehyung mumbled, looking away. He could never looked someone in the eyes while saying something nice to them.

"No problem. Consider it an apology for what I did... before." Sehun mumbled, and then chuckled awkwardly and ran away, flustered. Taehyung sighed to himself, coiling his fists.

I'm in love with your boyfriend, Taehyung wanted to shout out. But he didn't. Instead, he felt something. Certain confident courage he'd always had coursing through his veins.

///

"I'm sorry," Taehyung said two days later to Jungkook, who he found alone in the washroom, standing in front of the mirror.

"I'm not the person you should be apologizing to." Jungkook said softly, and then turned around and walked away- and that was the only interaction they had.

And then two days after that, Taehyung lifted his head up and saw Jungkook standing in front of his food table.

"Yourself. Apologize to yourself." Jungkook stated simply. Taehyung was confused, but Jungkook turned around and left, leaving him like that, with only those few words to hang on by.

The week passed like that. With a certain fog in Taehyung's mind. He thought about what Jungkook said. Apologize to yourself. He didn't quite understand. He wanted to know more, but Jungkook did tell him to leave him alone.

Taehyung saw Jungkook by the lockers and walked up to him, opening the locker beside him (even though it was Yoongi's, but, whatever) and hesitated.

"Why can't things go back to normal?" Taehyung asked aloud.

"I don't know what normal is with you." Jungkook said, and then walked past him. Taehyung closed his locker in front of him, leaning against it and sighing out.

Their next conversation was the night before the prom.

"Will you ever forgive me for hurting you?" Taehyung asked, standing by the water fountain. Jungkook was also by the water fountain, and Taehyung saw his fingers tighten around the ceramic sink.

"I already have." Jungkook breathed out softly, and then leaned down to the water fountain to get water between his pretty lips.

"Why're you with Sehun?" Taehyung asked, puzzled, leaning against the pillar which was attached to the water fountain/

"I like him."

"You don't."

"You sound quite certain for someone who's so shit with their feelings." Jungkook said sharply, and then brought his head up to look at Taehyung, who had a blank expression on his face. "Sorry," Jungkook said quicker, turning around and walking away, again.

The night of the prom arrived.

Taehyung stood in front of his mirror, looking at himself. He was wearing a white shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbows, making his veins prominent. Along with that, he wore black trousers. It was simple, but honestly, he was only going because Yoongi promised he'd give him weed after.

He heard a sharp knock on the door. Taehyung was confused as to who would come to his dorm, and opened the door, and saw Eka and Jimin. Taehyung's eyebrow rose at them.

"You guys look good. Shit, is it so fancy?" Taehyung asked, annoyed. Eka was wearing a tight silver dress, short and lifting her boobs up, her eyeliner sharp and lipstick black. Jimin had his hair swept back, showing his forehead. He was wearing a red suit.

"It is. You're not wearing that." Eka said, turning Taehyung around and pushing him into his bedroom.

"I literally don't give a fuck about this prom. I'm single and sad and want to get high." Taehyung protested.

"What the fuck is on your head," Jimin stated while looking up at Taehyung. Taehyung sighed. "It's a Gucci headband. I like wasting my dad's money."

"Understandable. Put this on." Eka said, having opened Taehyung's closet and taken out a black suit jacket. She handed it to Taehyung, who rolled his eyes and shrugged the suit jacket on.

"Here." Jimin said, picking out a Rolex watch from his desk and handing it to him. Taehyung wrapped it around his wrist, and then snickered to himself. "What?" Jimin asked, and Taehyung shook his head.

("You look hot as fuck in a suit." Jungkook said, eyes wide as he wrung his fingers around Taehyung's wrist. "C-can you fuck me with it on?"

"I can and I will.")

"Nothing. Just reminiscing the past." Taehyung said, and Eka huffed. "Dramatic bitch. Now come on." Eka said, walking out of Taehyung's dorm.

"You look hot as fuck, Eka." Taehyung said, putting his hands in his pocket. "In a friend kinda way."

"Thanks. I know." Eka said, and Taehyung snickered. Jimin eyed him and glared. Taehyung rolled his eyes.

They walked to the sports hall, where the Spring Prom was taking place. The student council went overboard with this Prom stuff. Decorating the hallways weeks before. Putting big banners which said 'SPRING PROM!' on them. Announcing it every goddamn day on the speakers.

When they walked into the sports hall, they saw it completely decorated. The sides of the walls were lined with paper mache trees which had pink blossoms on it. It looked pretty. Taehyung couldn't remember what the room looked like before, in fact. The tables on the side were lined with food and drinks. No alcohol, but someone always snuck it in. Teachers stood by the side, talking to themselves and looking around to make sure no one was doing anything wrong. There was a stage against the wall, some music nerds standing on it, playing music for the event. Everyone who went to the school was there, practically. People were dancing, talking with their friends, or just having a good time.

"Wow," Eka murmered, and the three walked into the room, looking around. Taehyung was bored already. "Why'd you guys come to my room by the way? Did you, like, know I was going to underdress?"

"No. You've just been upset for the past few... weeks. We were making sure you were actually coming. Yoongi told us about how he made you believe he had weed-"

"He was lying? Motherfucker. I'm leaving." Taehyung said, turning around sharply. The moment he did, he froze.

Jungkook stood by the entrance, looking around with his big curious eyes. He looked nervous, palpable hesitance showing from his stance. He was wearing a silky white shirt which was tucked into his tight black trousers, accentuating his waist. He wore a floral suit jacket and a choker.

"Wow," Taehyung let out this time, already feeling his insides going weak. Taehyung didn't see Eka and Jimin beside him give each other a knowing look, and then look ahead at Jungkook, who spotted the three.

"Hi!" Jungkook said, smiling and running up to them, looking less tense when he saw them. "Y-you said to meet me by the entrance." Jungkook said softly.

Taehyung wanted to give him a thousand kisses. "Sorry, Kookie. We came in. Doesn't this place look beautiful?" Jimin asked.

"Yeah! They're really going deep with this spring theme thingy," Jungkook giggled. Taehyung wanted to give him a million kisses now.

Jungkook looked at Taehyung, and tensed. Taehyung didn't know why. It was probably his presence. So Taehyung just gave the boy a small smile and turned around to walk away and find the other guys.

Jungkook, meanwhile, let out a small sigh. "He looks so good." Jungkook murmered to himself, voice gentle. "I wish he didn't."

"I know, baby. Don't think about him, okay?" Eka said, and Jungkook nodded. "Where's Sehun?" Eka asked, looking around.

"I'm here, bitches." Sehun said, and Jungkook looked at him and then rose his eyebrows. Sehun was in a bright blue suit and a black shirt and tie, smirking at them.

"Hey babe," Jungkook said to Sehun, who walked over to him, leaning down to kiss his mouth. Jungkook turned his head so Sehun could kiss his cheek instead. Sehun did, and then leaned back, scowling.

"You look... nice." Jungkook said.

"You too." Sehun mumbled. Jimin sighed, breathing out from the heavy tension in the room.

"Wow. Okay- um! Let's dance!"

The four began dancing away. Jennie, Jisoo, Lisa, and Rose joined the four, along with Yugyeom and Bambam. Jimin looked to Rose with a small smile, dancing closer to her. Jungkook was having fun, until he felt his hips being grabbed.

Jungkook got dragged to a body, and then realised Sehun had his chest pressed against his back. "You look pretty." Sehun said, kissing his neck, rolling his hips onto his back. Jungkook smiled at him, dancing back.

Sehun turned the boy around and then grabbed his waist. He reached down, kissing Jungkook's lips. Jungkook pulled away and then looked to the other side so Sehun wouldn't do that again.

"What's wrong?" Sehun asked, frowning. Jungkook shook his head, giving Sehun a smal smile. "Nothing," Jungkook reassured, putting his hands on Sehun's arms.

Jungkook looked to the side and saw Taehyung, leaning again a wall, sulking. Taehyung shifted his eyes around the room and then caught them with Jungkook's. Jungkook felt Sehun tighten his grip on his waist, and Jungkook just looked at Taehyung.

Sehun kissed Jungkook's jaw. "Do you wanna go to my room after this?"

Jungkook saw Taehyung give him a certain look. Jungkook wanted to move his eyes away, but couldn't. Suddenly, he felt a jolt through his body and turned his head, eyes widened when he was pushed back.

"What's your problem?" Sehun snapped, and Jungkook stilled. Sehun looked annoyed, eyes darkened, eyebrows furrowed.

"Nothing! I-" Jungkook began, but then saw his friends looking at the two weirdly. Sehun must've seen the same, because he grabbed Jungkook by the forearm and dragged him out of the sports hall.

Jungkook stumbled after him. "Se-Sehun-" Jungkook said, and then suddenly felt a shift as he moved out of the loud pink lightened room into the dark, vacant hallway. Sehun pulled him till the side and then let him go.

"What is it? You've been weird since we started dating- so fucking on and off. One second you want me, and another you're weirded out and want me to go away. I'm just trying to wrap my fucking head around all this, Jungkook- because- because you say you want me, but-"

"I'm sorry, o-okay? There's just a lot of things that have been going on-" Jungkook stammered.

"Then talk to me about them! I've asked you to at least try and open up to me so many times! But you just refuse to! Is it something wrong with me?" Sehun asked, frowning.

"N-no. No, you're perfect-" Jungkook said softly.

Sehun looked helpless. "Then what is it? Why did you get back together with me if you were going to treat me like shit after? You were so rude to me, and don't even talk to me sometimes when we're with Eka and Jimin. It's really awkward, Jungkook, to pretend I'm alright-"

"I'm sorry!" Jungkook cried out, and then stopped, looking at Sehun with watery eyes. The way Sehun was describing him reminded Jungkook of Taehyung.

"I-I'm sorry for- for being so weird. I just- I-I don't know, Sehun. I want to like you, I r-really do. I just can't fucking get over someone and it's r-ruining everything for me. I'm sorry." Jungkook let out, voice bubbly, as if close to crying.

Sehun tensed, and then looked down at his shoes, gulping a lump in his throat. "It's V, isn't it?"

Jungkook began crying, reaching his hands to his face to stop them, to try his hardest to stop them. Jungkook shook his head. "N-no. I don't- I am over him. I am."

"You like him." Sehun said, looking away. "He likes you too-"

"No Sehun. He d-doesn't. He just wants to have sex with me, that's all-" Jungkook tried, but Sehun snickered, looking away.

"That night. That night when we first had sex. When you left suddenly to comfort V- did you two do anything?" Sehun asked, fingers coiled. Jungkook sniffled. "Because the next day you were all fucking over him-"

"Sehun-"

"So he wants you for sex, huh? And you're still hung over him? Even though you have guys who like you for you?" Sehun asked, and Jungkook looked down, clenching his fists and shutting his eyes. "That's pretty fucking pathetic, Kook."

"I know. Stop telling me, p-please." Jungkook tried, and Sehun tsked.

"I don't want to be rude. You just made me feel so fucking shit for the past few weeks. If you just told me I was a fucking rebound for an asshole-"

"Y-you w-weren't-"

"-I wouldn't have ever asked you out. You probably just did it to make him jealous. I'm so fucking stupid." Sehun muttered under his breath, looking away. "Well, honestly- I don't care much. You're hung over a dude who's probably going to slap you across the face when you say no to him-"

"He wouldn't!" Jungkook cried, tears rushing down his face. Sehun looked at him, pausing. "H-he wouldn't fucking do that! You don't know him, no one does! I don't either, o-okay? I thought I did- I-I thought I knew him, b-but I don't! And I'm still in love with him, i-is that what you want me to tell you?" Jungkook shouted, voice breaking.

"I f-fell in love for a guy who doesn't give ha-half a shit about me. And I'm sorry." Jungkook squeaked out weakly. Sehun let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Jungkook felt the warm tears running down his face and put his hand over his mouth, shoulders trembling.

"I'm sorry. I-I need to go. I'll ask Jimin and Eka to come here-" Sehun said, and Jungkook didn't care, just slid down the wall, sitting down on the floor like the fucking mess he was- tears running down his face.

Jungkook sat there for a bit, crying softly. He felt the same feeling he had back when Taehyung told him he didn't mean anything to him. When Jungkook found him sleeping with Eka, and Taehyung slammed the door in his face. So fucking hurt.

"Kookie," A soft voice came, and Jungkook looked up.

Taehyung had his eyes big, looking at the pretty boy on the floor, tears in his eyes and stains of it weaving a path down his cheeks. Taehyung had one hand in his pocket, heart thudding as he crouched down to face him.

"K-Kookie, you-"

"Don't." Jungkook said, and then closed his eyes. Taehyung didn't push him. He just looked at him. "P-please. Leave me be."

"Not when you're like this, I can't." Taehyung said softly.

"God f-fucking damnit, Taehyung- stop pretending you c-care about me! You'll j-just lead me on to hurt me again. You don't know how I felt for those two months w-we spent together, Tae. You don't. Just. Please go." Jungkook said meekly, sniffling and looking up at the ceiling.

"I-I do care." Taehyung said, but he sounded hesitant, and it made Jungkook chuckle.

"You still think you're straight, Tae." Jungkook let out, voice weak. "You're far from being able to care about me."

Taehyung froze. He looked at Jungkook, who stood up from the floor, eyes slightly red from the tears. Taehyung's breath hitched, and then he let out- "I-I'm so fucking scared, Kookie. I'm not as- as brave as you. I never will be."

"T-then come meet me when you are." Jungkook stated, and then left, leaving Taehyung in the hallway.

Jungkook walked back in the sports hall, probably to tell Jimin and Eka of where he was, they were probably worried. Taehyung tightened his fists. He couldn't describe it. Couldn't describe the absolute fear that reaped through his body at the thought of-

At the thought of what?

Was it of everyone finding out?

Was that what he was afraid of?

Or was it something bigger than that? His mother, his father, what they'd taught him. What his mother had left him with. That fear that he was doing what she would've resented.

But at the fleeting moment, at that split second, that passing of time when the moon glowed outside like a watchful guardian- Taehyung realized. He rose to his feet, standing up. His heart drummed loudly against his chest, as if on beat, heightening his senses and telling him to hurry up. He was running out of time.

Taehyung took a step forward, towards the sports hall. Jungkook. His beautiful eyes, how they looked like they'd been dipped in honey and the core of sunlight. How his giggles sounded like that of harmonious angels. How his smile would always make Taehyung feel so much... better.

Something he hadn't felt since his mother had died. A sense of belonging. Home.

Taehyung walked towards the sports hall and entered it, seeing people still dancing, some chill song playing. Taehyung couldn't find Jungkook. His heart was racing. His anxiety was brimming at the bottom of his stomach.

He felt, at that moment, like he could do anything.

Taehyung felt absolute impulse take him over. Adrenaline started pumping down his body, the same he felt at football matches. This felt like a football match, except the goal was something different, and his aim was fucking terrible.

Taehyung let go. He ran straight forward and jumped onto the stage, startling the dudes in the band. They all looked at Taehyung, who carelessly grabbed the microphone from the lead singer, some kid from the grade below. The kid looked annoyed, but Taehyung mumbled "It'll only take a minute."

The band stopped playing, and everyone groaned, annoyed that the music stopped. Taehyung cleared his throat into the microphone, and then took a deep breath. "Shut up!" Taehyung shouted loudly, and everyone in the room shook.

Everyone went silent and turned to look at him with wide eyes, as if wondering why the fuck he was yelling while standing on a stage. Taehyung looked around, and then spotted Jungkook. The boy was facing away, grabbing his phone and trying to walk over to the exit.

"Wait." Taehyung said, and Jungkook paused and looked at him, a blank expression on his face. He looked annoyed.

Taehyung looked around. "Hi guys." Taehyung said, seeing all these kids he'd seen every day for the past three years. "This- this prom is cool, right? Like the- um- flowers and stuff." Taehyung stammered, and then cleared his throat.

"Okay. Hello. I've never formally introduced myself. Most of you know me as V. Captain of the football team." Taehyung said, and saw Sehun in the back of the room, frowning as well. Taehyung took a deep breath, seeing all the students looking at him with wide eyes. "But- but most of you don't know my real name."

Taehyung gulped. "I'm Taehyung. Kim Taehyung." Taehyung said, and there was a hushed whisper that fell across the room. He'd never said his full name out loud like this.

"Most of you know me as that asshole that bullies you, probably. Fair enough. I've made mistakes. A lot of them." Taehyung said. "I don't expect to be forgiven. I just want you to know I'm trying. And I'm changing, and growth is- is normal. It's normal." Taehyung said, nodding.

Everyone looked confused, still. They wanted to start dancing again, probably. But most actually looked intrigued, never having seen the guy speak more than 3 words at best which weren't insults.

"I'm standing here right now because I made a mistake. A really big one." Taehyung said, shaking his head. "I hurt someone. Badly. I hurt someone over and over again, and I shouldn't have. By the time I realized how much the person meant to me, it was too late." Taehyung mumbled, and everyone looked more confused.

Taehyung looked around, and then spotted Jungkook standing beside his friends, just the hint of confusion on his face. Not like the others, though. A more of disbelief.

Taehyung scratched his head, and then sighed loudly. "God, there's so many of you. I swear it's like the new crop of freshmen are, like, so goddamn small. I was so much taller when I was your age, what the hell-" Taehyung mumbled, and then looked around, hearing some laughs.

"I'm rambling, fuck. Shit! Sorry, forgot I couldn't swear. Ah damn, I swore again. Fuck-" Taehyung began, and then hit his head with the mic, and looked ahead, taking a deep breath.

Fuck it. Nothing matters. Not as much as him. Nothing has ever mattered as much as he has. "I'm sort of in love with someone." Taehyung let out, and there were gasps that spread across the room.

Taehyung couldn't see Jungkook's eyes- didn't want to, in fact. "I'm sort of, really, really fucking madly in love with someone. And that someone is standing here right now, and god-" Taehyung let out a chuckle, covering his face. "You'd never think I'd be the type to- to stand on a goddamn stage in the middle of what looks like actual fairy shit and confess my love to someone, but-"

Taehyung looked ahead, and then found Jungkook. Jungkook had his eyes widened, mouth slightly agape. Taehyung smiled. "You change me." Taehyung said, words soft. "You m-make me... a better version of myself. I'm not mean when I'm with you. I'm not sad. I'm not an asshole. You make me study harder, you make me play harder, you make me... harder." Taehyung said the last part, and then started laughing.

"Shit- I just realised there's, like, 200 other people in here. I'm kidding! Don't have sex till marriage! Or, do. I don't know. Sorry Ms. Yang!" Taehyung said, and everyone started laughing. Fuck, he was going crazy. He couldn't get a hold of himself, but suddenly- suddenly it felt like he was so free. So free, so free from everything that's ever been holding him back-

"You know what else?" Taehyung asked, looking around the room. "I'm bisexual!" Taehyung shouted out, and everyone shut up real fast.

Literally EVERYONE's eyes widened and jaws dropped. Girls he'd slept with looked surprised, guys he'd bullied looked mad, people who didn't know him looked shocked. His own friends looked the most shocked.

"Yeah! I like girls, and I like guys. And there's nothing wrong with that. Like, at all. Wow. Oh my god. I said it out loud." Taehyung let out, whispered. "Fuck, okay. Shit. Yeah. It's out there. I'm bisexual. I'm bi-fucking-sexual. I'm so fucking bisexual. Wow. WOW-"

"Dude. The teachers are gonna cut the sound off any minute. Stop swearing." The lead singer dude whispered, and Taehyung nodded.

"Oh- okay okay. Sorry. No more swearing." Taehyung agreed, and then looked ahead and saw Jungkook standing behind Jimin, looking nervous, eyes wide, hands bunched up into fists.

Taehyung looked around. "I've never spoken so much. I just- I can't believe this. I feel so free, y'know? Like- like I'm high as hell, but sober. Not that I know what being high feels like, Ms. Yang don't worry." Taehyung reassured, laughing.

"Who are you in love with?" A voice shouted from the audience, and Taehyung looked.

Taehyung gulped. He leaned into the mic. "A boy." He whispered, and gasps spread across the room again. Taehyung giggled at how surprised everyone looked. "I'm so in love with him, you guys. He's the prettiest boy in the whole goddamn world. Maybe universe. Haven't seen aliens yet. Actually- scratch that. He's the prettiest boy in the universe."

Jungkook hid behind Jimin properly now, hands covering his face, his whole body trembling lightly. Taehyung gulped. Here goes.

"I'm Kim Taehyung." Taehyung said, voice clear. "I'm bisexual." Taehyung said, and then smiled. "And I'm so goddamn in love with Jeon Jungkook."

People literally started screaming. Jungkook squeaked out in surprise and got pushed out into the center by Jimin and Eka, who both looked thrilled as hell. Jungkook still had his face covered, because everyone was looking at him, eyes wide, mouths wider.

"He's WHAT?!" Yoongi shouted from the side, slapping a hand over his mouth.

"Oh my fucking god." Jin whispered, eyes wide. "Oh my god oh my GOD-"

"Guys someone drugged Taehyung and put him on that stage." Namjoon said. It was the only explanation.

"This is brilliant." Yugyeom whispered, eyes glazed. Bambam grimaced. "I fucking knew it. He always looked at him weird."

Taehyung looked at Jungkook, heart racing rapidly, stomach making a thousand turns a second. "Baby?" Taehyung said softly, not caring how that made everyone go even more in shock. "I-I can see you, you know that, right?" Taehyung chuckled fondly.

Jungkook put his hands down, blushing brightly. His eyes were filled with tears, fists clenched beside him. People had moved out of the way, so there was a clear spacing between the stage and where Jungkook was stood, so the boys could see each other clearly.

"Jeon Jungkook." Taehyung whispered into the mic. "I know- I know I'm the biggest douchebag you ever met. I hurt you. I was an asshole." Taehyung said, suddenly growing fearful. "I'm so fucking sorry, baby." Taehyung said, voice weak.

Jungkook just sniffled from where he was stood, cheeks so pink and fists so tightly clenched that he couldn't speak. Everyone was staring between him and Taehyung in awe, surprised, shocked, just couldn't believe that V, the homophobic fuck boy captain of the football team- was out here passionately declaring his love for a boy.

"R-right before I got on this stage, I thought about how you came out to everyone. Always so ridden by impulse, my Jungkookie," Taehyung said with a small fond smile, and people aww'ed. Jungkook bit his lip, looking down.

"So, I'm going to ask this. I'm really really really fucking scared." Taehyung admitted, and then took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

Be brave. Taehyung opened his eyes. "Jeon Jungkook?" Taehyung whispered, voice barely coherent. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

https://jeontaeh.tumblr.com/post/647264967393984512/forty

[cometeclipse-crafts]

There are a couple of you who have been following this story with the man, and so I finally wrote it all up so I can share it once, and then don’t have to individually type this behemoth several times. @sewluscious @im-not-great-at-making-up-names @uriellactaea

So. Things with Jordin. 

It started back in March. I have known this guy through the Ren faire for a couple years. And he lives with Kyle and Blue, who are married (Blue is a woman). The three of them have a house together; I always wondered if they were in a poly relationship. I went out to Kyle’s birthday party, and we got to chatting there a little bit. The next day, he asks me out. At the time I was still stuck in the realization that I was probably asexual, and trying to figure out what that meant for me. So I turned him down, and explained why. He said that sex for him wasn’t as important as spending time with people he liked, so he left the coffee date open on the table, whenever I wanted to change my mind. We saw each other a few times after that, but never picked it up. (I did think he was cute and liked him just... not enough to get over my fears).

In June, he was vacationing in Europe, and I was seeing pictures of him frequently and realized that I did still like him, enough that I was willing to be brave and try dating him. So this time I asked him out. He said he would love to, but he was just getting back from Europe, so he would get a hold of me when things calm down. I waited to hear from him for almost 2 weeks, then he tells me that things got crazy busy for him, and would it be okay if we sorta waited till life calmed down. He said he thought he would want to ‘dedicate time’ to whatever was between us. I was disappointed but not overly so. I was just proud of myself for being brave, and frankly we were coming into the Ren faire season, which was why we were both super busy. So that ended there again.

Week before Ren faire, he is performing at the Highland Games, so I go to see him... and the games, but mostly him. He seems happy enough to see me, but not overly so. And there is a girl there who seems really interested in spending time with him. He definitely seemed more into her than me... so I thought, okay, well, that sucks, but he just isn’t interested anymore. First weekend of Ren faire passes, and same thing. Same girl there talking with him after hours. I was sitting in the group of seats in front of him, and I don’t think he even saw me. End of the night, and I was gonna leave, so I kinda interjected myself a little to give him a hug and say Hi, but then I continue on. I wasn’t going to throw myself at him, or pine or whatever. If he didn’t want to spend effort on me, I wasn’t going to waste away, lol. So, I thought friends, nothing more, he just wasn’t interested. 

The next Monday, two days after that, he sends me this: 

“ Hello. All that has been going on there is something that has been going through my head....You came up to me in the pub and you smiled....your smile made me happy. Yours is the only one that does that. I thought you should know”

So, obvious that is a bit of a warm, thrilling statement! But at this point, I am a bit warry. I don’t know if he is a ninja-slut, getting with girls whenever he can... but I also made it obvious to him that I am asexual, so that isn’t the reason right? So, warily, I start talking back with him:

“Me: :) that's nice to hear. You seemed busy, so I didn't want to butt in, but I did want to say hi

Jordin: Umm, I'm sorry, I'm not really sure how to say this without sounding weird but....you showed up and everyone else kinda went away. Is it too late for coffee?

Me: Lol, it sounds kinda like a line, but cute  and no, not too late. I was also slammed earlier so it was a good call, but things are calming down now.

Jordin: I've grown quite weary of lines. What I AM aware of is who I hope to see and that you, and you're usually in slow motion....with theme music. But seriously, I think you're amazing and I would be a damn fool to not want to see you. If that makes sense. Are you available in the morning? Like tomorrow or some time this week?

Me: Hehe  that's awesome. Unfortunately my job kinda sucks with its rigidity. I have no mornings available”

blah blah blah. So I was running by his house to pick up something from his male roommate the next day, randomly. So we said we would see each other then. I saw him on Tuesday, and they all invited me out to dinner. I don’t think Jordin told Kyle and Blue that he had asked me out, just the impression I got from it all. And during dinner, again, just didn’t feel like he was all that interested. But I just figured maybe he was playing it down from his roommates. 

So, as far as I knew, we were still in this predate limbo thing, and I didn’t hear from him the rest of the week. Friday rolls around, and I go to the pub, and there he is, his arm around another girls waist. Cue sinking stomach and disappointment again. Spent a little time while there, ignored them as much as possible, but waved once. They end up sitting on a bench, facing each other, his legs over hers. Like... people were telling them to go get a room, they were so all over each other, although I don’t know if they ever kissed. So, I went to leave, and I had to pass by them. As I did, he called out my name and held out his arms for a hug... like... what? So I hugged him, her (I know who she is from faire and everything) and then leave. Thinking it was over, I felt played and hurt by it all. Next morning I woke up in a much calmer frame of mind. I think my feelings are/were completely valid, but I also didn’t have any claim on him. We hadn’t been on a date, and yes, I think it is kinda shitty for how warmly (dare I say romantically) he talked to me then was all over someone else. But... I don’t know, I was willing to see how it all went. 

So next night, go to the after hours pub again, and he is there, not with some girl, just with Kyle and Blue. We kinda are around each other, but no one on one conversations. Then, without me asking, he tells me that the girl from Friday had asked Jordin to save her from an over-eager patron, and then found out they had similar religious upbringings and so spent the next two hours talking religion. Also, Blue was pissed at him for being all over this girl. 

Now, I’m super confused. Was it a good thing or a bad thing that he volunteered this information without me asking? Did he want to set me at ease because he liked me and didn’t want me to get the wrong impression or because he is trying to keep all options open? Why would he tell me about Blue being pissed? He never told me he was in a poly relationship, which I think is something that he should have been very clear about from the very beginning... or was she for some reason pissed on my behalf? even though I didn’t think Jordin had told them that he had asked me out. So I left confused, cautiously optimistic. I sent him a text the next day, asking how the day went, he said “SO good,” and that was it. Sooooo, yeah, thoroughly confused. 

When I still didn’t hear from him on Tuesday I sent him this:  “ I am pretty awful at dating stuff... completely oblivious. So I am not really sure if you are trying to tell me you are not interested anymore. I have been getting a lot of mixed messages, and I am confused about what you want. “

To which he replies: “ Hehe that's fair, there was a lot of confusing things flying my way as well from Blue so.... honestly I need to get some answers before I can proceed in any direction as far as dating goes. Hope that made sense despite being pretty vague.”

So, at this point, kinda pissed. (Seriously? Hehe?) Cause... first of all, pretty sure this means you are poly, and never told me. And if you need to get some answers before you start dating, why did you ask me out THREE TIMES? Why didn’t you do that BEFORE all this?!?! So, I am pretty much done. Close the door, whatever. It wasn’t like we had even been on a date, and I had been through some serious highs and lows with him, and I am tired of being jerked around. So I sent this back ” I hope things get less confusing for you, whatever that may end up being. I'm just gonna keep being me, but I'm not really going to expect anything. Hope whatever your end works out to we can still be friends.”

Jordin:  Absolutely!!  I would definitely hope so “

And that was the end of it. I didn’t expect anything from him, it was done, I’m not going to wait for him. 

I saw him on Saturday, gave him a hug, said hi, but wasn’t spending much effort to hang with him. 4 different times that night, line probably less than 45 minutes, he called me over to join his conversation. So... he is making it real hard to turn off the feelings, but unless there is some big changes, I’m just not going to let it go anywhere. 

So yes, there is my novel length story of Jordin and my fleeting potential dating life... sigh. Stupid boys. 

[tumblunni]

Man its so weird to think back and see how many signs there were that I was transgender long before I realized it. I was SO fucking oblivious, I had no clue that being nonbinary was even an option, all I knew was 'well I don't wanna be the opposite gender but I don't wanna be the one I was assigned at birth'. (Except obviously I didn't even know the correct words to describe it) And like... I bought into A LOT of horrible transphobic bullshit, cos I was raised with a biased view of what being transgender even is. 'Trans-sexual people are turned on by wearing women's clothes'. Ugh. And I was completely disgusted by it, since I'm a sex repulsed asexual and everything about foreplay or whatever disgusts me. My parents and pop culture and stuff all treated it like trans people were the equivelant of someone into BDSM wearing nipple clamps out in public or something. 'Well in theory I have nothing against them having that kink, but why do they have to show it in public?' Being trans was ALWAYS only shown as 'oo kinky I like to crossdress in the bedroom', as if it was a fucking sexuality, as if there was NO OTHER REASON why someone would wanna wear the 'wrong' clothes and use the 'wrong' pronouns. I felt viscerally disgusted at myself whenever I didn't want to wear my birth gender's cliche outfits, I denied absolutely everything cos I didn't want people to think I was a pervert. I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE to be transgender and asexual, or even that being transgender wasn't the same as being gay! I said SO MUCH fucking horrible transphobic and homophobic stuff as a kid, just parroting what I was told, and overcompensating for hating myself by making it clear I hated everyone remotely similar to me. While being in huge denial that they were similar to me! And I'm gonna carry these regrets forever and always worry that I stopped someone else from feeling comfortable about theirself and just... GAHH! And I did all the same too about parroting stereotypes of 'crazy people' and 'r*tards' before I learned that this big ol stereotype about autism was bullshit and real autistic people look EXACTLY LIKE MYSELF It just makes me think a lot about how many other people out there might be trans and not have the ability to find out because they've been buried so utterly in this false, bigoted image of what a trans person actually is. Tho also I hate the dumb stereotype that 'all homophobes are secretly gay', like seriously wtf why u wanna escape all responsibility for your actions and say the only problem is gay people systemically oppressing THEMSELVES... ANYWAY I went off on a sad train of thought there but back to the point! I'm just remembering this one part of a school trip that was like one of my most treasured memories for no logical reason until I realised I was trans. I met a new classmate and he mistook me for the opposite gender, and I was like 'HOLY SHIT WHY AM I HAPPY' until someone else 'corrected' him. I mean.. I knew I wasn't that gender either, but it felt like a weight off my shoulders to at least be misgendered the opposite way for once. I felt inexplicably happy that I was looking ambiguous enough to even be in question! And this was when I was like 11, I had no clue what word to even assign to these feelings... And I mean, it was SO DUMB that I never noticed these signs! This is what internalized transphobia does to you! Like 'hey there's probably no reason at all why I always play as a different gender ever time I buy a pokemon game, and get this self hatey feeling in my gut when both options have very stereotypically gendered costumes'. And 'wow there sure is no reason why I got inexplicably attached to this genderless character and can't stop thinking about ways to prove they aren't real'. Seriously all that debate about 'quina is really a girl/boy' with weird evidence in stat builds and equip items and stuff! I got REALLY into that transphobic bullshit cos it was something that shook up my perception of the world and I felt like if not being either gender was ACTUALLY AN OPTION then id have to address painful things about myself. If I knew I could be that, I couldn't keep lying to myself. So I went in aggressive denial mode and missed this chance to come out of the closet at like 9 years old and save myself a damn lot of trouble! And then I just went through the same bullshit at 14 with Chrona from Soul Eater, and could not explain why on earth I was so upset that the English dub assigned them a random gender instead of translating it properly... And OH MAN how fucking dysphoric I was about puberty even before I knew that dysphoria was a thing! It was like 'hey look you're growing up!' 'NO IM NOT DEAR GOD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN'. And that led to this stupid thing of me just saying 'well I have the mental age of a seven year old LOL' to excuse whenever I acted 'weird'. My forum avatar and stuff was a doodle of myself in chibi form, etc. (Even literally wearing chest binding... I only knee at the time that it was 'a martial arts thing' tho.) Like, I'd got all these messages that not wanting sex was 'childish' and not wanting my body to change was obviously 'immature', and when I was undiagnosed with mental illness and trying yo make up excuses for how I TOTALKY didn't have a mental illness, all I could say was 'ha ha I'm totally uhh... Doing it on purpose? Cos I'm so... Quirky?' I got obsessed with overacting as a class clown, cos I mean you can also excuse cross dressing as a thing that 'the comic relief character' does... And OH MAN, like my big Special Interest throughout all of high school was Norse myth, more specifically Loki. I was FASCINATED with the idea of a shape shifter who could be either gender, and was completely unashamed about it. And, of course, I used to play it off as 'ha ha isn't it so funny he turned into a girl', when I seriously did not have any clue WHY it was funny, I just thought I had to say it. It HAD to be the reason I was so sympathetic yo this character, right? Because he's A FUNNY JOKE?? And man then I got so obsessed with researching non gendered English pronouns from the 18th century and championing how they should totally come back into modern language and EVEN THEN I was in denial! It took until I played Magical Diary to realise 'well fuck I'm trans'. It took a game outright saying that these genderless pronouns arent just 'to be inclusive of both genders' but can be used for A THIRD GENDER, A GENDERLESS GENDER, A BOTH AND/OR NEITHER GENDER!! A game saying that this gender does exist in human beings, and EVEN THEN I took ages to be sure that it was really real and not just a fantasy thing that the game made up. I mean, quina was totally only genderless cos they're a magical creature, right? (Completely ignoring the fact that the other two members of that magical creature town are both male...) And just.... AAAAAAA I feel like I'm the human personification of that 'no Patrick, put it on the lid' meme No, you're trans. No, TRANS. Trans, bunni! TRANS!! This is what societal prejudices do to people. Even LGBTQ people usually grow up within homophobic, transphobic society, absorbing all the same messages. It destroys our ability to be okay with being ourselves... Its so fucking sad that this happened to me, and it hurts even more to think of all the times I said insensitive offensive stuff to other LGBTQ people back when I thought I was cis and straight... Gahhhh... ALSO, it makes me extra sad that Summon Night: Swordcraft Story 2 never got released in Europe. There's a character there called Arno who's NB and very out about it, and the English translators didn't make a mess of it, or anything. People actually call Arno 'they', and literally their catchphrase is 'Are you a boy or a girl?' 'I'm just a child of the wind~' Like seriously NO ambiguity, character actually getting to dish out sick burns when being misgendered, absolutely NO room for the ol 'well they just don't MENTION a gender, it doesn't mean they were intended to be nonbinary' excuse. Arno outright stating 'I am not a boy, and I an not a girl'. And your protagonist respecting it! Arno is still my absolute fave best handled nonbinary character in all of games. And the summon night series is very inclusive with a lot of gay romance options! Its a shame tho that the only other game with a nonbinary character was never dubbed even in america. But apparently the protags of previous games get a cameo in the upcoming Summon Night 6 which finally will be released in Europe! I just hope they handle Corlal's pronouns respectfully, considering how they managed to do it so well a decade ago with Arno. But then again the Swordcraft Story series is a spinoff so the main games might have different translators? Anyway, let me hug my tiny enby dragon child! Also I'm sad the cellphone app trading card game never got dubbed either, cos Corlal got some cute cards for the valentine's day event. All three dragon kids just got adorable scenes making platonic family chocolate for their siblings cos they're too young to really participate. And they thankfully got super cute totally non-lolicon maid and butler outfits like SERIOUSLY THANK GOD FOR THAT! Just cute ten year olds playing dressup like normal kids. Corlal got two cards for that one! Them being nonbinary continues to be 100% canon, they got a version with both a dress and a tuxedo. AND ITS SO FUCKING CUTE MY GOD ...man I'm sorry this just went off topic into how great that series is But anyway! If I've ever said anything that offends you, please message me about it! I'm still unlearning a lot of internalized prejudice. Also if you want a quality nonbinary werewolf in a cool side scrolling GBA jrpg, look for Arno! Im on mobile rite now so I can't send links n stuff, but as soon as I finish moving my PC desk to the other room I shall spam you all with my obscure fandom's!!!