#where theres a looming fear of someone u know finding and reading it

[lankyledlights]

Can we bring back pen pals and u can just mail each other shit and write everything u truly feel without a veil

[silverlight-iza]

If - (Jinyoung X OC)

Genres: Angst Word count: 3.2k

“You know what’s the best way to die early?” I hear someone whispering to me as my lids feel heavy and the darkness looms over my head. I open my mouth to say something but my throat feels sore from all the alcohol and my lips bruised from kissing random girls, trying to forget her. So I wait silently for the person to continue. 

“It’s to love someone who doesn’t love you back.” The words are etched upon my memories and my heart. 

I wake up with a start, sweats of bead all over my forehead, my breath ragged and my vision hazy. I bring my hands to my eyes and gently rub them until I can see clearer. 

I move to see the person lying besides me. She’s still here, I think with a burning ache inside my chest. I reach out my hand to remove the few strands of her beautiful golden brown hair away from her forehead. She’s sleeping soundly. I smile before getting out of the bed slowly and carefully so I don’t wake her up. 

I go to the bathroom and then head down to the kitchen to prepare her breakfast. She likes my cooking. She has always loved it. I start preparing her favourite: scrambled eggs and pancakes. 

I am placing the plates on the table when she comes downstairs with her bed hair, a goofy smile over her lips. She looks so cute. I shake my head, grinning. She must have come downstairs without even going to the bathroom. Did she want to see me when she woke up and when I wasn’t there?

“You made this for me?” She asks in her sweet honey voice and I nod my head before walking up to her.

“I am the one who should be cooking for us,” she whines childishly. I chuckle before wrapping both of my arms around her small frame and lean my head closer to plant a small kiss on her forehead. 

“Good morning to you too!” My tone is cheerful, she isn’t able to tell the fake-ness. She grins and lightly pecks me on the lips. 

“Morning! I’ll go and wash up. Be right back.” She pulls away and runs back upstairs while I go back to the dinner table and seat myself. My coffee cup is sitting in front of me and my phone right next to it, already vibrating from all the messages my friends have been sending. I pick it up as I wait for her to come back. 

I open the group chat and am immediately bombarded my the messages from my friends.

JS: How did the night go? (≧∀≦)

M: Shut up Jackson. 

BB: y r u askng bout da night? ◑○◑

JB: Dnt talk lik dat Bb.

YJ: As if youre any better.

.

.

.

.

.

.

JS: Tell me~ @(·o·)@

YG: Im also vry curious.

.

.

.

JB: Ignre dose ppl Jinyoung.

My eyes can’t roll any further back as I skim through the endless amount of text messages. I sigh because I don’t really have the time to read all of those because I notice footsteps coming down. I put the phone back and lift my head to see Mina coming my way.

^^

We’re on our way to meet the guys because they’ve been bugging my nonstop to introduce Mina to them. She only saw them briefly on the wedding and she doesn’t know them otherwise. I place my free hand over hers and give it a soft squeeze.

“Are you nervous?” I ask. 

“No … maybe. But what if they don’t like me?” she breathes out and I can tell she’s nervous by the way she’s fidgeting. I squeeze a little tighter. 

“They’ll love you,” I assure her with a smile and she turns to look at me. “I’m sure you’ll be alright. You’re perfect, Mina. Nobody can’t not like you.” She seems a little happier as I tell her this. I stop the car right in  front of the cafe that we’re supposed to meet at and ask Mina to get off.

“Wait. I’ll come back after parking the car.” 

“Let’s go,” I slip my hand in Mina’s and pull her inside the cafe with me. I’m so familiar with the place that even the man behind the counter recognises me and sends me a smile after noticing Mina and I. In the farthest corner, I see the six boys sitting on a table and we head towards it. Yugyeom is the first to notice us.

“Hyung!” He says cheerfully and starts waving his hand enthusiastically. The others whip their heads towards us after hearing Yugyeom. 

“Hi,” I say with a smile.

“Sweet muffins! Does your wife get prettier by the second? Because she’s even prettier than yesterday.” Jackson decides to comment shameless and Mina ducks her head down in embarrassment. Mark nudges the male in the ribs and he scowls.

“Have a seat guys.” Jae bum motions his hands towards the two seats and we sit down. 

“Mina, this is JaeBum, Yugyeom, YoungJae, Bambam, Jackson and Mark and guys this is Mina, my wife.” I gesture my finger towards the respective males and Mina mumbles a small hello and nice to meet you to all of them individually. She’s really shy. 

Although I have known Mina longer than I have known these guys, I didn’t introduce them to each other. Theres no special reason but just a thing I tend to do. Not mixing my friends. I once had a terrible experience when the two people became better friends and I was left behind. Albeit theres no chance of that happening now. These guys are like my brothers and Mina, well, I know she’s not going anywhere now that we’re married.

“You guys took so long so that’s why already ordered. I hope you don’t mind,” Mark says, grinning as he places a chip inside his mouth and Mina speaks, “No thats alright. I’m sorry that you had to wait.” She’s smiling now. That makes me happy. Now that she’s my family, I want her to be happy even if the reason of her happiness isn’t me.

Mina and I got married not because of my love for her, but because of our parents. I know that the sad reality is, she doesn’t love me like I love her. She loves me as a friend. And if her parents had not asked her to marry me, she would had never said yes.

^^

It’s a month after our marriage and Mina’s been getting along with the guys extremely well. Today we’re at Mark’s house for a Saturday movie night and Mina seems extremely happy. She’s almost jumping with excitement as Mark opens the door to invite us in.

“You’re here!” He says and lets us in. I wave my hand slightly and enter with Mina. We head towards the living room and find Jackson sitting there on the couch eating something. 

“You’re already here?” I ask but before Jackson can say anything, Mark says, “He practically lives with me. He never leaves.” as he glares at Jackson who only sticks his tongue out like a child. Mina giggles before seating herself down next to Jackson.

“I do not. And hey you’re here.” Jackson finishes stuffing the fish taco inside his mouth and grins at Mina. I follow Mark inside the kitchen. He’s taking out popcorn packets from the cupboards when he notices me.

“I’m glad Mina’s getting along with everyone.” I nod my head in agreement and add, “Especially you.” Mark’s smile falls away for a second. 

“I guess … ” He looks away and turns to the microwave. “Jackson call the others already!” He shouts over his shoulder and Jackson yells back from the living room an okay.

I am leaving the kitchen when Mina enters, all smiles. She brushes past me and goes to Mark. 

“Can I help you with something?” She asks with a cheery tone and Mark raises his head to look at me. He looks at me like he’s asking for permission. I don’t understand. I swallow hard but say nothing and leave.

I squeeze myself between Jae Bum and Jackson after everyone arrives and settles in the living room. The lights are out and I’m assuming thats because we’re watching a horror movie. I’m not to happy about the fact because I know Mina doesn’t enjoy horror movies. I glance at her, seated next to Mark on the carpeted ground with Bambam on the other side. She’s smiling heavenly and hasn’t even noticed the dark. They’re chatting about something in hushed voices. I scowl but stop the negative thoughts forming inside my head. She just clicks well with Mark and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I sit restlessly throughout the first half of the movie. I am being so annoying that even Jackson has to ask me to stop moving. I am restless because I know a jump scare is about to come. I’m sure of it. And I’m uneasy because I am aware of the fact that Mina will react to it. I want to be the one sitting next to her. I want to be the one she jumps into when she gets scared but I don’t say anything. My lips are pressed into a hard line and I say nothing. There’s this feeling inside me that is so sure that Mina will reject my offer to sit next to her. She’ll say its fine when its not. But I keep quiet. 

I sink back into the couch, my eyes glued to Mina. A scream erupts from her side and I find Bambam shouting, almost standing up with fear when a figure appears on the screen. My eyes go back Mina and she is still. Maybe she didn’t get scared, I think in relief.

Maybe I’m being weird. I focus my attention back to the movie which has almost reached its climax. The main lead is slowly walking towards the spooky room at the end of the hallway. She places her hand on the door knob and twists it open, another dismembered and horrifying person pops out and Jackson screams directly into my ear. 

Jae Bum groans and smacks Jackson in the back of his head and he winces in pain. I can hear the maknae line stifling their laughter and Mark chuckles loudly. I look at him and he has in arm wrapped protectively around Mina. I clench my jaw. Her head is buried into his shoulder and she’s letting out a muffled cry. I knew she gets scared easily. Mark pats her back.

“Are you okay, noona?” Before I can open my mouth, YoungJae asks her. 

Mina retreats her head and nods her head, “I get scared easily,“ she admits and gets up. 

“Where are you going?” I ask, standing up from my spot. 

“The bathroom,” she replies in a soft tone and I move up to her, grabbing her forearm.  The guys have paused the video briefly to observe us.

“Follow me,” I say before pulling her with me to the bathroom. 

“Are you okay? We can go home if you want to,” I say quickly as soon as I see her exit the bathroom. She grimaces.

“It’s fine.”

“We can go. It’ll be fine. We don’t have to stay.” 

“I said it’s alright, Jinyoung. And I’m sure Mark wouldn’t like us leaving like this in the middle of the movie night. It’s just a movie. I can handle it.” Her tone is almost aggravated and I frown.

“Okay whatever you say.” I shrug and follow after her back to the living room.

“Noona~ Hurry up. Mark hyung didn’t let us continue until you came back,” Yugyeom whines childishly and I notice Mina smiling at Mark.

“Well…I’m back now.”

^^

I am coming downstairs when I notice Mina standing by the front door, all dolled up. My brow raises in curiosity.

“Are you going somewhere, Mina?” I ask in a quiet tone as I make my way towards her, she’s on her phone — texting someone with a  big smile plastered on her face.

“Yes,” she replies distractedly. 

“Where?”

“Shopping with Suzy.” She shrugs, eyes still on the phone. I’m kind of irritated by the fact that she isn’t paying full attention to me but I remind myself not to be too greedy. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Let me go grab my jacket, we’ll go together—“ I haven’t even completed myself when Mina’s head jerks in my direction, her eyes wide open.

“No,” she says harshly and I flinch, narrowing my eyes at her. This is new. She never spoke to me with such a rude tone so why now? 

“Why not?” I crease my brow. Mina rolls her eyes before speaking up, “You must remember the last time we went shopping.”

I purse my lips, “What about it?” I try to remember and get her hint but nothing special pops up except for…

“The time when some guy was harassing you?”

Mina exhales exasperatedly and her hand is on her forehead now, massaging her temples. “Yes that time, when you embarrassed me.”

“Embarrassed you—? Mina, I was defending you from that guy. What are you trying to say?”

“I know your intentions weren’t bad but look. It was a small incident and I could’ve easily shrugged it off but you had to make it a big deal by punching that guy. I can’t take you with me today in case you try and be a hero again,” She says as if everything was my fault. 

Was I wrong by defending her? Did I commit a sin by trying to save her?

My throat feels dry as I stare at Mina with sadness filled in my eyes. I’m unable to say anything.

“How about you go out with the guys while I go shopping, hm? I don’t want to fight over this, kay? I’m going now. See you later.” She clearly doesn’t see the hurt in my eyes as she cups my face and leans to kiss my nose — I can’t help but feel like she’s treating me like a child.

I stay frozen to the ground as I see her leave, closing the door behind her and saying a small and forced, “Goodbye.”

^^

I am roaming the quiet streets of Seoul in the night, looking for a gift for Mina’s upcoming birthday. I was on a trip to Hawaii and came back today but no one was home. She didn’t pick her phone up. It might be because I came a day earlier and Mina isn’t aware. I tried calling her but the mobile’s turned off. I decided that I should take this time until she gets back home or calls me back to look for her birthday present. So that’s what I am doing right now as I enter into a toy shop. 

I remember Mina loving all things childish so I plan on buying her a big teddy bear or something similar. I walk down one of the aisles filled with different kinds of stuffed toys. My eyes stop at a doll with big blue eyes and rosy lips. She has curly brown hair and I smile to myself because she reminds me of Mina. She used to have a doll like this, taking it everywhere with her.

I reach out to pick it up. 

“Aren’t you too old for this?” I hear someone say from behind so I turn around and find myself looking into a pair of dark chocolate eyes. My brow shots up and I squint my eyes at the name tag she is wearing. 

“I don’t think you’re supposed to say that too your customers.” I hear her snort.

I give her a pointed look before placing it back. “I’m looking for a big white bear for my wife.” I grin at her and she brings her hand to her chin, tapping it.

“I swear I’ve seen it here around somewhere.” Is she being serious or is just kidding me? Does my face say it so clearly that I need cheering up. If that’s so, then why hasn’t anybody else noticed.

“Follow me,” She says with a sigh and we walk towards the last aisle and I find the perfect bear I’ve been looking for.

“I’ll buy this, Ms. HyoSung.” 

Mina and I almost reach home at the same time, she’s getting out of someone’s car when I turn around the corner. I recognise the car as Mark’s. I immediately frown. Was she with him?

She gets out and then walks over to his side, Mark rolls the windows down and I can see him smiling at her. My grip on the teddy bear tightens and my heart aches as Mina leans down to kiss Mark’s nose. I stand there frozen as Mina walks back to the front door of our house and Mark’s car drives past me, he doesn’t even notice me. 

I suddenly feel how cold the air is. I shiver and there’s a stinging pain in my chest. My hands clutches the coat I’m wearing and I feel I can’t breathe. It’s like the air has been knocked out of my lungs, it has left me empty.

^^

“I saw you with Mark … yesterday …,” I manage to choke out over breakfast. I can’t even look straight into her eyes. It hurts. Everything hurts. It’s like I’m drowning. But like always, she’s unable to see my pain.

I know I’m the one at fault. Because I should’ve expected this. Heck, I did. But it still hurts. My breathing is shallow.

Upon hearing me, the glass from Mina’s hands slips and it falls on the floor, shattering into a million pieces just like my heart. She turns around slowly, her expression is mortified. I don’t want her to feel that way.

“I- Jinyoung! I—“ I swallow and stand up. Her eyes are wide and I know she’s scared. 

“It’s okay, Mina,” I breathe out. Mina rushes towards me, circling her arms around me from behind. 

“No no no…! It’s not like that Jinyoung! I swear there’s nothing between us!” There’s a pang in my heart as Mina starts sobbing. 

I turn around, also wrapping my arms around her small shaking frame. 

“I’m sorry Jinyoung! So sorry! I swear you’re the only one for me!” She buries her head in my chest, crying loudly. 

My hands move under her chin and I lift her face up, trying to shush her. “I know I’m not.” I cast my gaze onto the ground, where the glass shreds are. I glanced back up at Mina whose eyes are red and swollen now. She’s looking up at with a pained expression.

What she did, does and will do doesn’t matter to me, I am willing to forgive anything. It doesn’t hurt, what hurts is the lie.

“Mina … don’t lie to me and please … don’t lie to yourself.”