#where once i had more resources and could produce fanworks i would be a bit better established and have friends who would enjoy those works | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

encyclopediamorbidica · 9 days ago

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honestly as much as i love red dead i will probably never get over how unwelcome i felt around more than an incredibly small handful of mutuals. like. the difficulty i had in feeling like i was able to fit in and contribute to conversations has hamstrung my own feelings about the game because like. well for one thing y'all are cliquey as shit but on the other hand the meaningful conversations i tried to have about the way black people are depicted in canon and in fandom were largely either ignored or tokenized as a way to prove themselves enlightened compared to other white red dead fans. i know that fandom spaces aren't exactly the most accepting of fans of colour and that i was kinda walking into an opportunity to see the door slammed in my face by being so vocal about the ways racism is perpetuated in the White Man Cowboy Game and its fandom but. whoof

#just venting but like. man.#which isn't to say that people didn't try very hard to make me feel welcome #but there was always this undercurrent especially in spaces where popular artists and writers were also present #where the things i said ultimately didn't matter unless This Popular Person deigned to agree with me #and a lot of it is because i didn't make fanworks but like. i have no computer. i have no drawing tablet.#by nature of my lack of resources my works were never going to stand out and would take a lot of undue effort #this also happened to coincide with a lot of health scares before i finally got my fibro diagnosis #so i guess part of it was that i was sick and miserable all the time already and thus didn't have the energy to integrate myself further #but at the same time the effort i could put in to try and form the kinds of relationships i wanted out of the red dead fandom #where once i had more resources and could produce fanworks i would be a bit better established and have friends who would enjoy those works #so i wouldn't have to just blindly seek validation from total strangers and end up discouraged out of making those works #was just kinda. hampered by the fact that a lot of people just were not very friendly

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