#where none of these women can just live unless they’re ‘pretty’

[iceyrukia]

the ‘influencer lifestyle’ really rotted a lot of women’s ( + girls) brains and I’m not necessarily talking about the traveling part but the whole self-imposed prerequisite requirement of having to look like an instagram model before getting to live your life to the fullest as a woman. This internalized monitoring of the ‘self’ that women do when it comes to their own physical appearance, something to show off externally, is really pervasive and you can see it reflected in social media.

( and if you are familiar with the whole concept of having a ‘bikini’ body for the summer, that is a perfect example of this, like the absurd idea of women having to visualize themselves snapping a perfect bikini pic in order to fulfill this image of enjoying summer. Like they can’t just live but have to look and dress a certain way because it’s what a ‘successful’ women is supposed to look like, a status symbol to always emulate- yeah :/ )

[partitionis]

on the horror of fame:

something that I often find myself thinking about when I’m back in Taiwan and around people who are far richer than I’ll ever be [1] is how the day-to-day experience of being rich and powerful is actually pretty… dehumanizing

there’s a sweet spot where you’re wealthy enough that you don’t have to worry about money ever and still anonymous enough that you can pop down to the 7/11 without anyone knowing who you are, but once you’re famous enough that people on the street tend to recognize you? you’re fucked.

ok, you haven’t driven a car in a few decades because you’ve been rich enough to employ a driver and someone of your status isn’t really the type to drive themselves around. this is fine. except now your driver knows all of your business. that’s also fine, you pay him for his discretion. do you pay him enough? can you be sure that his institutional loyalty is enough to stop him from taking a tabloid payment? maybe you want to go somewhere spur of the moment. you could call your driver, and he’d drop whatever he was doing and be at your house to get you within fifteen minutes [2], but you know, maybe he’s with his kids or something. you could take the subway, except if you do that multiple people will recognize you and everyone will treat you like you have some sort of infectious disease [3]. guess you’d better stay in.

and every moment of every day is like this! being a famous man is great because women want to have sex with you and men want to be you. except mostly what everyone wants is access to the wealth and power you represent: people tell you half-truths to try to convince you to invest in some bullshit or they put their hands dangerously close to your penis in public social situations [4]. you— the person you actually are— are mostly treated like an obstacle to be overcome or a puzzle to be figured out. ‘what kind of currency do I need to put in to the old man to get what I want out of him’

so you have all of the things people want, but they’re poisoned by abundance. you can go anywhere and buy anything, but you can’t do it without feeling the eyes of the world on you. you have more friends and potential lovers than you know what to do with, but do you? one of the great privileges of being a regular person [5] is that you can generally trust that social gestures are genuine. I’m just a regular guy and the only benefit anyone gets from throwing me a birthday party or having sex with me is that we ate birthday cake or had sex. none of these things will unlock access to money or power because I’ve got none to give, but once you do, you invariably attract these people. they’re not all of your social circle, but they’re a lot of it, because competing for your limited time and attention with the people who are willing to grope you in public feels vaguely debasing

no wonder musicians are alcoholics! no wonder the people I know are all withdrawn and snappish. you’re just some guy, and you’re living a life so divorced from the rest of the world that you have more in common with the god-kings of old than you do with your own parents. is it worth it? I mean I won’t lie, sometimes it’s pretty sick; I’d never buy a $5,000 watch, but I can pretty easily imagine what I’d do with thousands of dollars of pocket change. but then I remember that one person I know refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is because people make such a big fucking deal out of it and I think, hm, if that were me I’d probably develop a heroin addiction [6].

[1] presumably

[2] let’s not consider how much it sucks to be the driver in this situation

[3] you are not the good kind of famous in this story, sorry.

[4] I’m sure this was titillating at one point but I’m also pretty sure it got old by the third decade, never mind what it’s like in the fifth

[5] unless you’re an Olive Garden manager who posts a lot about fake friends and backstabbers on Facebook or wherever the beleaguered Olive Garden managers of the world are posting today

[6] at least I’d be able to pay for it

[a-problematic-writer]

New and Improved S1 Jesse Profiles

Like it says on the tin! Just the improved versions of my S1 Jesse profiles. Got all of their lore sorted and am happy with where they are! A few got new names. That’s about it! Under a read more because, dear lord, did I have a lot to say.

Jemma! (Yellow Clip/Highlight)

Chaos incarnate because she's a child at heart. She's aloof and a bit of a loner and socially selective. (Yes, this does make running Beacon Town hard, but she manages) Only certain people have been able to get into her circle. And it's only then that her more chaotic traits jump out. She has more sense and self-control than other Jesse's who may try drinking lava, though the curiosity would be there. She prefers to doodle than participate in meetings or do paperwork. (However, she does know to an extent she's supposed to do those things) Always down for a game of tag. A 4'11'' can of whoop ass. She's kinda like a small dog. Can and will pick a fight and win. Professional at hide and seek. A whole Lesbian. So into women it HURTS. Left-handed! Her weapon of choice is a trident and WHEW. It's probably custom and enchanted to the nines. That's her BABY. Despite not quite understanding redstone to the fullest, she thought Ellegaard was the coolest. Family life wise, she was raised by her grandparents.

Her nickname's include Jem, Emma, and Em. [Em is typically exclusive to Petra <3]

She would honestly be the one playing with the kids around Beacon Town instead of making the big decisions for the city. This is one of the few Jesse's I imagine leaves with Petra. She doesn't want routine! She wants to explore and have fun! Her Beacon Town was like canon standard BT. *Chaos.* Just the way she likes it.

She’s dating Petra and, besties, they are the sweetest couple. They’re out there having fun together exploring the world!!!!

Josiah! (Red Suspenders)

He's tired. Really tired. Let him sleep, please. But if you do, know he sleeps like a rock. And is super cuddly in his sleep. He likes, like, 5 people, maybe (Aiden's one of them). Despite that though, he's like super personable. People like him a lot even if he likes none of them. If Josiah likes you, though, he's likely to tell you how much you mean to him. Super affectionate to his friends. Doesn't want to even be touched by other people. He's kinda grumpy. I suspect it's because he's always tired. Sarcastic to everyone. Except his friends. As I said, he loves his friends and would lay down his life for them. He prefers animals to people, but says that; "Some animals are just as jerk-y as humans. Those animals are cats. They are surprisingly my favorite of the not-pig animals." A bit of a griefer, ngl. Can and will destroy you (and your minecraft house). My tallest Jesse coming in at 6'0''. Absolutely ADORES bracelets. Wears several. Pansexual. Anygender goes, babeyyyy. Right-handed! Weapon of choice is your standard diamond sword preferably with Sharpness and Knockback. Enemies are gettin' FLUNG. He thought Gabriel was the coolest, hands down. He lived with Axel and his family until he was old enough to be out on his own.

His nicknames include Jo, Si, and Siah. (Siah's rare and might get you punched unless you're Aiden in which it will get you stabbed [Guess who still calls him Siah and starts to get away with it])

He likes Beacon Town a lot, but running it is a hassle. He leaves with Petra with some serious reservations because f r i e n d s but he knows they'll be there when he gets back. (He ends up catching up with an old rival while out and about anyway and makes 3 new friends) His Beacon Town, just like Jemma's, was pretty canon standard. Though, I definitely think he kept things a BIT more uniform!

Ngl, he’s likely dating Aiden. They’re both mean and get to be mean together. On the flip side, I could also see him and Axel together. I’m not willing to officially choose. It’s one of them.

Jasmine! (Red Clip/Highlight)

The absolute brightest ball of sunshine you'll ever meet! An optimist through and through! Though, not quite in the morning. Let her get awake though and she's back to herself! She LOVES to dance and you best believe if you're her friend dancing is a must and required, with or without music! She's extroverted to the MAX. Collects friends like baseball cards and cherishes them even more. Kind of a flashy/glamorous person! She can totally run in heels and loves wearing nice clothes. 5'6'' and loving it! She's fun-sized :> Has the patience of a saint. And is so forgiving it's insane. Forgive and forget to the max of the phrase. Though she doesn't let people step all over her in the slightest. Pansexual :> Right-handed! Loves a nice gold sword [Flashy, remember?] Definitely a dual wielder. They're enchanted to the max and she can do DAMAGE with them. Definitely learned from Isa. Thinks all of the Old Order were the coolest. She grew up on her uncles farm.

She is known as Jazz to everyone and that's what she prefers to be called! [On the rarer side there's Jazzy which is exclusive to Aiden and Stella]

Beacon Town is her pride and joy! So, of course, she stays. She's ready for a quiet life. Hers definitely has a more modern, cyberpunk, solarpunk vibe! Glitzy and flashy but in the most down to earth way with plenty of room for the citizens to vote on projects and include their own!

She’s dating Aiden. They’re the sunshine/grumpy trope, wholeheartedly.

Javier! (Green Suspenders)

He's the type to joke about/make light of minor inconveniences and big problems. He's very sarcastic but in like the nicest way possible? He's serious despite his constant joking, I promise. He loves hats? Beanies, ball caps, etc. he owns them, he wears them, he loves them. Also hoodies! He owns like 50+ ("What? They're comfy!" is his number one defense to people's questioning stares at his hoodie collections) He's not all that into sweets. Will occasionally eat one or two. He really likes jazz music; more often than not that's what's playing on his jukebox. He's 5'5'' and mad about it. Honestly, he's just like your average older Gen Z. You know, the one who's over the age of 16 and shitposts about how shitty life and the world are. The definitely not okay but pretends they are kinda Gen Z. That's Javier. Architecture buff. He really knows his stuff! Another Pansexual :> Left-handed king! Just hand him any kind of weapon he'll learn how to use it with finesse <3 Thought Soren was the coolest and incorporated a lot of his architecture style into his own [suffered a horrible version of "never meet your heroes"] He was raised by his two moms and they lived happily in town.

He goes by the nickname Javi more often than not. Friend or foe. He's Javi. (Or Jav [said like Javi without the 'ee' sound at the end] by close friends/a partner)

He's dedicated to leading Beacon Town. He likes the stability the routine of it gives him. So, he let Petra go off on her own but not without swearing her into writing at least twice a month. His Beacon Town is very lush and soft on the eyes. Brick and terracotta are used liberally and he's always happy to include citizens in the planning of new expansions.

Javi’s either with Aiden or Lukas; maybe Aiden and Lukas. I don’t have much else on the matter except that he likes his men tall and wearing a leather jacket.

Jaime! (Blue Clip/Highlight)

She's probably one of the kindest people you'll ever meet but she is so sad. She's afraid of being alone and often wonders if she's good enough. Needs a hug fr fr. A long one, at least an hour of being held. She might cry though. Despite this, she tries to be upbeat and jokes a lot. And can be a menace when she wants to be. None of her friends are safe from pranks and teasing. Also, she's super loyal to her friends! Definitely a ride or die. So brave! Sometimes a bit reckless, but she gets the job done. Definitely has a bit of a temper. Though it's rare it shows through. Very curious! Can sometimes seem nosy, but she just likes learning things! This plays well into her ability to sleuth things out and solve mysteries. She's a clothes thief, 100%. Shirts are the number one thing she takes. Owns at least a couple from all her friends. A really good piano player. It's a hobby she doesn't often get to take part in. Reading and adventuring usually take precedence. Mostly because she can't say no to a good book or new adventure. A decent enchanter and potion brewer! Another Pansexual <3 Right-handed! Sword and shield is her forte. Definitely uses a diamond blade with Sharpness on it. Ivor's her favorite Old Order member. She's learned a lot from him. She was raised by her parents who were the Minecraft equivalent of governors/mayors/politicians.

Jaime's typical nickname is Jay! Aime is another one though on the rarer side. Typically used by Olivia, Axel, and Stella. The rarest goes to Jaybird and Blue Jay. Jaybird coming from her parents and later being adopted by Lukas and Blue Jay coming from Aiden <3

She adores Beacon Town and wants a life of peace after S2 so she chooses to stay despite hating watching Petra go. Her Beacon Town is Steampunk and super lush and green and filled with flowers. It's a center for travel and an adventurer's stop!

She’s, of course, dating Aiden, currently. They’d had a will they/won’t they dynamic for some time. Also, she and Lukas had a small stint as a couple. A few months or so, methinks.

Javon! (Yellow Suspenders)

Has a bit of a temper and that makes him seem really mean but he's actually so nice. Like so so so nice and super gentle. He just usually doesn't like strangers and that makes him seem very unapproachable. He loves his friends though. Would commit crimes in their favor. Would also kick someone's teeth in for them. He's really good with redstone and rigging traps; specifically explosives. A griefer sometimes. Definitely loves Boom Town. He loves playing the guitar and learned at a young age! Likes collecting rocks; has all sorts of cool ones. While he dislikes strangers he's still super polite. And great at moving a crowd! Another Pansexual for the Pansexual Jesse tally. Right-handed! Nothing beats explosives when it comes to weapons however he's a decent archer! Loves his crossbow dearly. His favorite member of the Old Order is Magnus. He was raised by his dad. They lived in a little cabin on the outskirts of town.

His close friends call him Von! It's the only nickname he really has.

He also stays in Beacon Town. May or may not have been for a blonde, no one can prove it though. His Beacon Town is full on Steampunk. Greenery can be seen in some places. It's kinda like an extension to Redstonia in a way. Redstone and technological advancement are appreciated in both—with a side of destruction also being achieved in BT.

He’s dating Lukas. That blonde has had him in a chokehold for years and, tbh, who would blame him?

[daddynattt]

Can we all just hush please? I think no scratch that I know Jess understands the terms of sexual orientations and I’m pretty sure that she never said she was quote unquote a lesbian. Does it really matter what she is thought? Last time I checked it’s, oh that’s right none of our business! Men are attractive, Women are attractive, everyone is attractive! This is such a small thing that you have blown way out of proportion and could’ve you know just said PRIVATELY that you didn’t like they way the term ‘Lesbian’ was being used. Now why don’t we all move on with our lives and continue minding our business and focusing what’s in our control instead of what’s out of our control. Sound good? GREAT! Let’s move on then!

- Lots of love Jenna (🐻)

(P.S. don’t come for Jess again and start acting your age. Thank you!)

i even stated i understood where they’re coming from, that i understand a lesbian all of a sudden dating a man would seem, idk wrong ? i’m not too sure. like i’m not saying a lesbian will go and date a man, and i understand how that can be wrong for the lesbian community but in the end you can’t control what someone feels or does. unless maybe i don’t have much knowledge in this? i just think anyone is allowed to figure themselves out more and more as the days go by and there’s nothing wrong with that!! we shouldn’t criticize someone for who they are or for figuring themselves out even if they did or currently label themselves. there shouldn’t be a right or wrong. coming to terms with your sexuality is not an easy thing and there’s no need for a label anyways!

[blackleopardgirl]

Their joint slay-

Malli- A SPANISH NUMBER YOU BITCH!!???? GIVE ROSALIA YOUR FLOWERS! AND THEY SAID THAT FLAMENCO WOULD NEVER BECOME AS SUCCESSFUL AS LATIN GENRES?! This woman has such a pretty voice! JUST HEARD A SPANISH MAN YELL, IM TIRED!!!!!!!! This is their loose connection to hispanic music and I’m dying laughing. He sounds beautiful as well, this is such a nice pairing because they’re both Alb@nians that actually have musical talent and can sing in tune. Imagine them performing these songs live? Even if there’s playback? It would sound pretty. 

Nal Nal- (These might not be in order, I’m sorry, I don’t have the EP song list near me so I’m just reacting to these songs as they’re posted on their YouTube page) 

This song doesn’t have a full music video, but just a visualizer. They still sound amazing together. They should think about making more music together in the future. It’s a dance- club song. They look like they filmed all of this in Spain, near beach towns, probably during the spring, none of these beaches look like they’re in Alb@nia. 

Ku Je Nis- It sounds Moroccan. I wonder wh they seriously don’t ever put out any traditionally- mixed music? Like some traditional mixed with modern music? Their fans would like that; or maybe they wouldn’t? They’re just always channeling another culture in their music and it’s funny to me because they never try to capitalize off of their own culture. This scene is very much old western with the jeans and cowboy hats at a horse track. It’s an interesting mix of sound and music video visuals. This song also doesn’t have a full music video, just a few shots of them at this race track dancing around, or spinning around in their car. Its cute. 

Diskoteka- A full on night club song. It’s reminding me of the early 2000s, almost like Rihanna’s ‘Please don’t stop the music’, it’s fun. They have people engaging in a dance battle, and it’s just funny because you know that Alb@nians don’t have real dance battles at their night clubs, they always stand around unless a traditional song comes on where they can do their circle dance. (V@lle) Yłl is giving me full on Rauw Alejandro. 

Now their album cover is making less and less sense to me because it seems like they were just lazy and didn’t want to come up with a real cover or EP title. 

This butterfly keeps showing up and I wonder what the significance of it is? They probably won’t ever tell us. I hate that about their music industry lol. 

Lokacion- FINALLY A REGGAE BEAT!!!! The beat is mixed a little with Flamenco clapping in the beginning. They look so pretty together, like two pretty siblings or something. Her dress is so beautiful, she probably won’t tell us where she got it. This is probably the most throw-away song of the EP, but it’s still fun. They look so pretty! Like they’re going to sell a joint men's and women’s fragrance or something. They’re so beautiful. 

[princessmadafu]

Markle, just in time to usurp Diana’s 25th anniversary!

We all know what she’s up to. Her motives are so transparently ulterior.

Why can't Markle find the right PR team?

I suspect (as do many of you) that it's because Markle thinks she knows more about PR than the professional PR guys do, and she pays them to do what she wants, not what's best for her. No PR in the world is going to rehabilitate self-absorption. And I'd also guess that, for all she's supposed to be "insanely smart", she's a prime example of the Dunning-Kruger effect - you know the one: where people who've been told they're "insanely smart" consistently overestimate their intelligence:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect

Markle briefly joined the RF and she's been out of it for three years now. A good PR team would have plotted a timeline for her to re-introduce herself as a committed and hardworking humanitarian, feminist, wife and mother. Another Diana. Yet nothing's succeeded.

Everything her PR has tried to push has failed.

No PR can succeed in painting Markle as committed and hardworking if Markle falls short of the "committedness" and "hardworkingness" required to maintain the image of the true humanitarian, feminist, wife and mother she wants us to believe she is.

When Covid broke out she was pretty much jobless. She's had all of the Covid Saga to learn the arts and crafts of humanitarianism, to put in the footwork, and campaign - for example - on behalf of California's homeless, helpless, vulnerable, hungry and sick; she didn't - she just arranged a couple of photoshoots of her and Hazza pretending to be concerned.

She's had the same length of time to establish herself as a committed feminist and - for example - dedicate her time to California's women's shelters and domestic abuse charities; or she could've worked hard privately as a wife and mother to make sure her husband and children didn't lose their British family and identity; or she could've spent the time rebuilding her relationships with her father and siblings; or she could've enrolled in Law School to become a - er - I don't know what they call them in America, but one of those Legal Aid lawyers who help breadline victims and the innocent accused; or she could have just shut her face and lived a life of privacy like we were told she wanted.

Never happened! All she and her redundant PR team did was wangle ridiculously overpaid contracts for "output" that no-one's interested in.

Why did none of the humanitarian, feminist wife and mother stuff happen?

Because her humanitarianism is outweighed by her Meghanitarianism; because she's not a feminist, she's a Meghanist and doesn't care about women unless they're rich and useful; because her wifely and motherly ambitions are so tiny they are drowning in a big bucket of festering resentment.

No humility. No self-awareness. No idea that, you know, maybe she's wrong and it's her own fault. I'd say Clueless in Montecito, but that's probably Hazza, not Markle. Markle's just in denial. She’s “insanely smart”, remember?

She has so little natural talent that it took her father and a handful of boyfriends and husbands to make her famous; that her current husband and children are the only reason she's still in the news; that her husband and children's British family are the only things she has left to sell.

She thinks she's perfect, yet she has no heart, no soul, not a shred of kindness. She’ll pretend, but only if photographers or Netflix are present. She doesn’t have the intelligence or emotional awareness to learn. No-one will ever convince her she’s not perfect. People loved Diana (imperfect, warts-and-all Diana) because Diana loved people.

The best PR people in the world can’t make Meghan look as if she loves anyone but herself. Her eyes are dead.

[thefeedress]

FFA MUSINGS

I was 17 when I learned the terms "feeder" "feedee" and "feederism" from stumbling across one of those trash documentaries about the kink. Apparently, my sexuality revolved around extremes and predators: creepy straight men coercing naive women into transforming their bodies and their lives - the women didn't particularly seem to be getting off on it or even have much agency in the whole thing. The men were awful. (Sometimes, these days, I look back and wonder how much all the negatives of what I saw were exaggerated by the editing…)

That was my lightbulb moment, where I discovered the label for something very personal and private that I'd had all my life but always felt confused and ashamed about. I now also had the pleasure of feeling extra disgusting and very alone, having been shown what horrible company I was in, and that I now knew I was a feeder, but apparently all feeders were men.

Any furtive investigations online (in the reasonably early days of the internet) seem to confirm this suspicion: female feeders were not A Thing, there might possibly be one or two others out there at best. Male gainers only seemed to exist in their own niche in gay subculture, and although I was happy they were out there somewhere living their best lives, they were obviously Not For Me.

I was 34 when after years of pushing it all to the back of my mind, I finally gave in. I've been with the same (non-feedist) partner since my early 20s, so I just assumed that I'd never be able to explore it irl anyway, and that was that. I can't remember what happened or why I decided that I had to try to find some others to connect with, even just to chat with, but in the end (with my partner's blessing) I found and joined Feabie (of which I have many opinions but I'll leave those for another time…) and interacted with other feedists online for the first time in my life.

Guess what: straight male feedees exist. They exist, and there's fucking loads of them!! Tons of the buggers in my inbox all day every day for weeks. Pretty heady experience going from outcast freak to Much Sought After Item - apparently female feeders really are quite rare, or we don't have much of an online presence (or most of us are lurking in a secret lair somewhere that the others haven't invited me to, rude….) or they're also out there somewhere thinking they're the only one.

The unbridled glee of feeling popular and desirable for being something I'd always felt ashamed of did wear off a teensy bit after the endless onslaught of "hey" "hi" "how u" "ayy babygurl" "I'm looking for a feeder please accommodate all my kinks even though I'm a total stranger and I clearly don't give a shit about you as a human being" "You're a woman on the internet I'm entitled to your attention don't be difficult what's your problem" and my current favourite, the bizarrely ominous "Can I ask ur opinion?" (The answer is no my friend, if I wanted to be spammed with anonymous torso pics that I'm meant to manufacture comments about that you can get off to I'd have asked YOU.)

But. I'm still completely overjoyed that male feedees exist, that I've spoken to so many cool and interesting and lovely guys, that I've had experiences I'd always assumed I wouldn't, that I FINALLY MET OTHER FFAs and they are awesome and now I'm close friends with one and it's freaking GREAT. All of this has also lead my partner and I to discover polyamory and now I'm in love with two people who love me back NOBODY EVER SAID YOU WERE ALLOWED TO DO THAT WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME

There are so many nuances and preferences I'd never considered. I knew what I liked and that's what I sought out in terms of porn and that was that. Actually talking to feedees and learning about the whole spectrum of things they each did or didn't enjoy or want to participate in was a revelation, and also helped me clarify my own preferences myself.

There are still things I've yet to come to terms with or decide how to feel about. The main things I'd always felt guilty or ashamed of were less to do with fat or fat guys, it was the feeding itself.

Where being an FFA is concerned - I like to think that if I'd ever been lucky enough to have a fat boyfriend when I was younger, I wouldn't have been shallow enough to care what anyone else thought. It's possible I'm giving my younger self too much credit; I know for certain that some people in my life would have made nasty comments, I was also hugely insecure myself, and I have no idea what it really would have been like. I have no doubt that living all my life in a fatphobic society has affected me in more ways than I'm even aware of (same as everyone else in some way, I'm guessing....). I think any uneasiness I felt there was less worrying about shallow friends or family members, and more how to find potential fat partners without offending them. I have always been conscious of the fact that the majority of fat people would very likely be horrified to be thought of and objectified through the lens of this fetish. You never know what someone's relationship to their own body is, but it's safe to bet that it's a more complex one than it seems, and also, unless you're expressly invited into that relationship by that person, it's none of your fucking business.

But anyway, the main reason I never had many hangups about it was that I don't think I even *was* attracted to fat people when I was young - sometimes I'm not sure I was even attracted to anyone. I had crushes on boys all the time, but I never thought of anyone sexually. My teenage fantasies were pure belly kink: stuffing, chugging, bloating, inflation, any kind of ridiculous fantasy belly expansion - the actual fattening aspect of feeding was less a part of it, and fancying fat dudes was never connected to it. By the time I'd begun to join the dots and wonder if I liked fat boys, I'd started to happen across media that portrays the worst of Feedism, and since I liked sadistic fucked up stuff and already felt ashamed of it, all of that just confirmed to me that I was right to hate myself. Even now, when I'm exposed to much more conversation about this kink than I ever used to be, I notice a lot of love for soft feedism, wholesome fatness appreciation, body positivity, romance (all of which I absolutely love, don't get me wrong) and I still sometimes feel Iike I'm being left out of the party. Keeping my fingers crossed for more consensual femdom-feedism love (and content, ugh…)

But… what would have happened if I hadn't gotten the fuck over myself and put myself out there, tried to find others? How many other young people see themselves portrayed horribly in the media and hide parts of themselves FROM THEMSELVES forever? What happens next? I've apparently found the one person who likes all the same twisted things I do, but actually getting to see him irl ever or do any of the things we want to do seems impossible, and not just because of Covid.

This fetish is lonely for most of us I think, in some way or another. There aren't many feedists, there don't seem to be as many female feeders or male feedees, there probably aren't many people who will share the same preferences within the fetish that you do, and frankly when you filter out the people who aren't crazy or creepy or don't know how to hold a conversation, the pool shrinks even further. I've seen plenty of posts bemoaning how hard it is to find someone, but seriously, having spent most of my life in a vacuum where this stuff is concerned, I'm still buzzing from having engaged with the small handful of people I've engaged with, even just to chat to.

What I want to say to my younger self is: you're a good person. You're just a kinky bitch, that's all.

I feel like this description probably applies to all the best people, I can live with that.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

watched s11ep1

i will provide you with a quick review before i disappear back into the ether of twd avoidance

lots of spoilers under the cut. also i wrote way too much and i worked all night and haven’t slept so i didn’t bother to reread literally any of it, so it might be completely nonsensical, tho if you don’t expect that from me by this point idk whose blog you’ve been reading

enjoy:

hokay, first off, i’ll start by saying that i enjoyed it more than i expected to. i’ve been avoiding any sort of discussion about stuff, but my google algorithm is so fucked at this point that i still get recommended articles and stuff every now and then, so i was already pretty aware of what i was walking into, and was expecting it to be eh, but actually i prob enjoyed it more than i enjoyed the finale

(don’t get too excited tho, the finale was rly boring lmfao)

anyway

episode starts off with a tense scouting mission

it takes .005 seconds into the episode for caryl to exchange a look of longing, establishing that they are still having weird conflict and are both too fucking stubborn to do anything about it even tho they hate it desperately

i imagine that will continue for a while

rosita, kelly, carol, maggie, what’s her face with the bad hair, and lydia (i think that’s everyone?) lower down to some army bunker or something, where a bunch of walkers are taking a snooze, and the girls are very respectful of walker naptime, and do their best not to wake them up

obviously they eventually wake up, but i’ll get to that in a sec

as they’re tiptoeing through the walker tulips, there’s this split second where carol spots a machine gun, and looks at maggie with a face like, “can i plzzzz, i am mad horny for that machine gun,” but maggie tells her no. (i 110% expected her to defy orders and accidentally wake up all the walkers, but she actually behaved herself for once. well. mostly)

never fear, tho, after the girl gang collects a bunch of MREs they go back to wait for the dudes waiting up top to pull them up, and bc men ruin everything, one of the ropes break, and daryl catches it before it falls, but then a slow motion drop of blood falls on a walker’s face, and just like that, walker naptime is over, and carol uses her bow and arrow for two seconds before she is like “fuck this” and whips out the machine gun

yes, she is super hot using it

yes, daryl watches her do it

anyway, all the other girls get rescued, and carol is about to be pulled up, but bc she is a #girlboss, she first makes a beeline for one more crate full of MREs. daryl covers her while she gets the loot, and when she gets back up top they have another charged moment as carol hands him back his knife

just fuck already, jfc

titles!

cut to alexandria where everything is still not smilestimes

BUT, we do get to see uncle daryl run and hug rj and judith (and dog), and FUCKING HERSHEL JR, LIGHT OF MY LIFE is also there

istg, they could not have casted a better child, i a d o r e him

oh, and some friends of maggie’s show up too, idk

cut to a staff meeting where everyone is like, whomp whomp, we’re all gonna starve to death unless we figure out something quick

cue maggie going, “oh, i know where food is, but it requires me to tell you my tragic backstory, in case anyone didn’t watch my bottle episode”

she tells her dramatic backstory about all her friends getting slaughtered by the reapers for no apparent reason, and then she’s like “anyway, let’s go back there!”

no one thinks it’s a great idea, but a group of people decide to go anyway, including daryl and gabriel. rosita is super pissed that gabriel is going, and carol doesn’t go, probably partly bc it’s a shitty fucking idea, and also bc they have to keep caryl apart bc otherwise they’ll fix their problems ahead of schedule and they won’t be able to drag out the needless angst

daryl looks kind of annoyed that carol doesn’t volunteer to go 

bitch, i thought you wanted her to stop putting herself in the line of fire! make up your damn mind!

moving on

cut to a thunderstorm, where, if you look closely, you’ll notice daryl is wearing the STUPIDEST hat i’ve ever seen. just get an umbrella, jfc

for some reason negan is with them, bc ig he knows his way around washington dc, and no one in six years has bothered to figure out how to get around the city and/or get a map, and he is like “hey guys, maybe we shouldn’t try to walk in this fucking hurricane,” and everyone is like “FUCK YOU NEGAN, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!” 

this will be a common occurrence 

but eventually daryl is even like “actually, it’s rly unpleasant out here, and my hat is mad stupid, can we go inside plz?”

so they go inside an old metro station, which is actually a rly cool cinematic choice. i rly like the idea, and they executed it rly well

speaking of executions

there are some fucking RULL CREEPY walkers. idk why they bothered me so badly, but they were what they at first assumed were corpses wrapped up in tarps, but turns out none of them had been properly put down, so they go through killing these rotted bodies that had supposedly been there since The Fall, and it’s very gross and cool

this entire time, btw, negan is like “hey, i know i’m a shitty person, but i have some rational arguments about why we shouldn’t be doing this right now,” and everyone is like, “FUCK YOU NEGAN, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!” and he’s just like “god fucking damnit”

(i forgot to mention that at one point, when they’re headed into the metro station, negan is trying to warn ppl of the potential danger, and everyone is ignoring him, and he tries to talk to daryl, and daryl is like “fuck you, you think we’re BUDDIES?” and negan is like “oh, ok, so you’re gonna be like that too? fanfreakingtastic” and it’s very funny)

anyway. a fat monster zombie escapes its tarp at one point, and tries to eat some npc, and negan saves him, again is like “hey, anyone else realize that this is a FUCKING BAD PLAN?”, and everyone is like “we don’t care, you’re still shitty and we’re not listening to you, and you don’t actually care about random npc i would literally not be able to pick out in a lineup bc his face is so generic, you’re not the boss of us!!!”

it’s at this point that negan finally is like, “why am i even here? bc i know how to get around washington dc? do none of you have a map?” and i was like, “right?! that’s what i said!” 

it’s then revealed that maggie only brought negan along to murder him under the guise of “oops, he got hurt in the line of duty, it wasn’t my fault,” and daryl has this look on his face that says, “i seriously need to stop hanging out with lethal women bent on revenge bc it’s gonna give me high blood pressure,” and maggie has a badass moment where she points a gun she has for some reason at negan and is like “i have like, one shred of human compassion left inside of me, and if you keep pushing me i will fucking kill you without a second thought, so shut the hell up”

(in her defense, negan had just dropped glenn’s name to purposely antagonize her, which was rude as hell)

(for the record, i’m completely on maggie’s side here, but negan still is right that trapping themselves in a metro station is a bad call)

anyway, moving away from that briefly

i think this jump cut happens sooner, i don’t actually remember, but whatever who cares, point is, we get to the part of the show that actually matters, and that’s anything involving my love, juanita “princess” sanchez

and also eugene, yumiko, and ezekiel

they are being asked increasingly invasive questions by commonwealth ppl, some of which i wish they actually would of answered (what do they use to wipe their asses with?? surely toilet paper has long since become extinct)

zeke, who is so much more tolerable as a character now that he’s not larping as a king, has this incredibly weird and sort of sexually charged moment with a dude in an orange stormtrooper costume, where he’s like, “i bet you were an asshole cop back before The Fall, you stupid fascist, #fuckthepolice, mb literally? idk, this moment has a lot of pent up aggression that could easily translate to hate sex, it might just be the intense eye contact, but w/e, let’s just move along,” and then he has a coughing fit to remind the audience that he’s currently dying of cancer, and orange stormtrooper is like “lolz, loser, drink some water you dumb piece of shit”

cut to the wholesome foursome sitting at a picnic table in a guarded courtyard eating gruel, and yumkio, who finally has a personality, and princess are like “hey, this place fucking sucks, can we leave?” and zeke is like, “yeah, i met this orange stormtrooper who i think might be dtf and/or murder, so we should probably bounce”

but eugene is like, “but i want some hot stephanie ass, and also some bullshit excuse about how mb commonewealth will save alexandria” which, they left before things went super downhill, right? idr. it was after hilltop fell, but they don’t know alexandria got fucked either, if i recall? w/e, not important

two seconds after he says this, they talk to some people who are like “we’ve been here for four months, or maybe it’s been nine, i don’t actually remember, i’ve stopped processing the passage of time,” and the wholesome foursome takes this as a bad sign, tho that’s just the life i’ve lived as a night worker during a pandemic, so i was like #mood

but then they watch some guy get dragged away screaming to get “reprocessed” and eugene is like “ok, nvm, let’s bounce”

(my theory on what “reprocessing” is, is that they’re stuck in a room and have to watch hours and hours of customer service training videos on vhs from the 90s)

i definitely got my jump cut scenes mixed up bc i think the negan accusing maggie of a murder plot thing happened in between this scene and then the next commonwealth scene, but w/e, i’ll just finish what happens in the commonwealth arch

the wholesome foursome are trying to hatch a plan to escape, except princess, my love, is distracted watching some stormtroopers flirt, and the other three are like “wtf, dude, how can you even tell any of them apart?” and princess then tells them every stormtroopers backstory bc she is brilliant and pays rly close attention to shit, and the other three are like, “this is useful information, thank you for being an insane person”

their plan involves yumiko and eugene dressing up as stormtroopers and leading princess and zeke out of the place, which works fine actually, except on their way out they come across the Depressing Wall of Probably Mostly Dead Missing Loved Ones

they’re about to leave, when princess is like, “wait, yumiko, you’re on here, that’s weird huh?”

sure enough, yumiko  is on the wall, with a note from ig her sister 

the scene ends with yumiko going, “guys...i can’t leave...i have tragic backstory to unveil”

tragic backstory to be continued ig

back in murder metro town, npc and some other npc have stolen all the supplies, there’s a train blocking the track, and a horde of walkers are coming towards them, so things are not going fantastic

they horde is too big to take down, so they start to climb on top of the train car to get away

but dog runs away!

and daryl, being every pet owner ever, is like “gotta go get my dog, guys, try not to get killed while i’m gone, c u soon!” and he ducks under the train and disappears

#priorities

the episode ends with maggie climbing up the train car but getting grabbed by a walker and dangling off the edge, and negan is there and they have a lion king moment where maggie is like, “scar! help me!” and negan is like “long live the king, bitch” and walks away into the shadows, leaving maggie to a potential death

which, while i know isn’t actually going to happen, would be a really fucking funny move on the writers’ part

like, “look, lauren’s back! and now she’s dead, bet you didn’t expect that!”

anyway

my assumption is negan will actually end up helping her up or something, continuing his ambiguous morality bullshit that actually isn’t ambiguous bc he BEAT GLENN TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING BAT WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE IN FRONT OF HIS PREGNANT WIFE

the maggie/negan arch is kind of dumb, but whatevs, i’ll tolerate it, as long as my boy glenn gets justice in the end

anyway, cue credits!

final assessment: good episode. i’m much more interested in commonwealth than the reapers, tho i am hoping that daryl’s personality-less ex turns out to be a monster killing machine with no conscience, that’ll be fun. princess is a gift from god. hershel jr needs his own tv show. needs more carol (and caryl)

the end! going back into my walking dead free chamber! see you next episode!

-diz

[gatorprompts]

✧ — ⋆   𝐋𝐄𝐆𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 .

from  the  musical .   part  one .  nsfw  &  blood  /  violence  references   present . 

OMIGOD YOU GUYS .

“ he’s a lucky guy . ” “ i’m gonna cry ,  i got tears comin’ out of my nose ! ” “ you’re  a  perfect  match . ” “ of  course  he  will  propose ! ” “ ohmigod  this  is  happening ! ” “ don’t  forget  to  smile . ” “ guys i’m  serious ! ” “ not once ever  has  he  hit  on  me . ” “ they’re  like  that  couple  from  titanic ,  only  no  one  dies . ” “ no  one  should  be  left  alone  to  dress  and  to  accessorize . ” “ this  dress  needs  to  seal  the  deal ,  make  a  grown  man  kneel . ” “ can’t  look  deseperate . ” “ all  this  week  i’ve  had  butterflies . ” “ love  is  like  forever ,  this  is  no  time  to  economize . ” “ i  may  be  in  love ,  but  i’m  not  stupid . ” “ see  dreams  really  do  come  true . ”

SERIOUS .

“ we  both  know  why  we’re  here . ” “ i  guess  it  calms  my  fear . ” “ let’s  take  some  action ,  baby . ” “ give  me  your  hand . ” “ i’ve  got  some  dreams  to  make  true .”  “ here’s  where  our  lives  begin . ” “ just  where  do  you  fit  in ? ” “ you  want  the  moon  and  sky ,  then  take  it . ” “ you  and  i  should  break  up . ” “ what ?  you’re  breaking  up  with  me ? ” “ i  thought  you  were  proposing . ” “ baby ,  let’s  both  be  strong . ” “ but  i  am  seriously  in  love  with  you . ” 

WHAT  YOU  WANT .

“ i  have  a  completely  brilliant  plan . ” “ what  you  want  is  me ,   you  just  need  to  see  me  in  a  brand  new  domain . ” “ i’ll  meet  you there  at  harvard  with  a  book  in  my  hand . ” “ big  sturdy  book ,  big  wordy  book ,  full  of  words  i’ll  understand . ” “ what  you  want  is  right  in  front  of  you . ” “ step  one ,   he’s  off  to  harvard  law ,  so  i’ll  get  in  there  too . ” “ that’s  great ,  nice  plan .  now  can  we  think  this  through ? ” “ what  makes  you  think  you  can  do  this ? ” “ love .  i’m  doing  this  for  love . ” “ love  will see  me  through . ” “ yes ,  with  love  on  my  side ,  i  can’t  lose . ” “ do  lawyers  feel  love  too ? ” “ what  you  want ,  sweetheart ,  is  no  easy  thing . ” “ no  more  parties  for  you . ” “ you’ll  need  a  killer  essay ,  or  do  not  even  hope . ” “ any  chance  you  know  the  pope ? ” “ you’ve  got  a  lot  of  work  in  front  of  you . ” “ good  god ,  why ?  law  school  is  for  boring ,  ugly ,  serious  people .  and  you ,  button ,  are  none  of  those  things . ” “ what  you  want’s  absurd  and  costs  a  whole  lot  of  swag . ” “ tell  me  what’s  out  there  that  you  can’t  get  right  here ? ” “ i  can’t  just  walk  away . ” “ i  said  no ,  go  away ! ” “ right  here  is  where  i’ll stay . ”

THE  HARVARD  VARIATIONS .

“ that’s  a  challenge  i’ve  outgrown . ” “ how  many  yachts  can  one  man  own ? ” “ i  don’t  lose  that  much  sleep . ” “ why  bother  with  false  modesty . ” “ you  may  call  me ,  ‘ your  majesty . ’ ” “ pretty  impressive . ” “ and  only  women  have  the  guts  to  go  and  take  it  back . ” “ excuse  me . ” “ i  totally  forgot  you  go  here . ”

BLOOD  IN  THE  WATER . 

“ ignore  that ,  it’s  simplistic  and  dumb . ” “ unless  you  acquire  a  taste  for  blood  in  the  water . ” “ you’re  nothing  until  the  thrill  of  the  kill  becomes  your  only  love . ” “ wrong ! ” “ look  for  the  blood  in  the  water . ” “ only  spineless  snobs  will  quarrel  with  the  morally  dubious  jobs . ” “ oh  dear ,  i  fear  my  comment  has  offended .”  “ hard  to  argue  though  when  you’re  too  mad  to  speak . ” “ your  employment  will  be  very  quickly  ended  when  they  see  how  your  emotions  make  you  weak . ” “ do  you  follow  me ? ” “ let  the  games  begin . ” “ i’d  throw  her  out . ” “ you  have  just  been  killed . ” “ yes  you’ve  got  guts ,  but  now  they’re  spilled . ” “ or  is  it  unfair ?  oh  wait !  i  don’t  care . ” “ that’s  just  how  i  rule . ” 

POSITIVE .

“ honey  whatcha  crying  at ? ” “ you’re  not  losing  him  to  that . ” “ both  her  hair  and  shoes  are  flat . ” “ why  is  she  so  rude . ” “ wipe  your  tears . ” “ you  were  meant  to  wear  his  ring . ” “ keep  it  positive  as  you  slap  her  to  the  floor . ” “ you  can  take  him  in  a  fight . ” “ violence  is  never  wise . ” “ not  the  way  to  win  back  guys . ” “ who’s  got  a  plan  b ? ” “ show  him  you  are  way  more  fun . ” “ bust  out  the  lap  dance  and  you’ve  won ! ”  “ we’re  positive  that  he  loves  you  and  not  her . ” “ she  doesn’t  know  the  real  him . ” “ how  is  this  helping ?  he’s  not  even  here ! ” “ i’m  positive  that  we’ve  taken  this  too  far . ” “ i  need  a  salon . ” “ gotta  show  him  i’ve  got  more  to  give .”

[rainofaugustsith]

SWTOR: It's. About. Story.

After weeks of complaints about the new Galactic Seasons program, the devs posted a response today. Unfortunately they managed to neatly sidestep almost all of the complaints players have been making en masse: 

1. The PVE objectives funnel a lot of players into areas where the instances are too large for the map to accommodate, such as 30 players on CZ-198. It's thus making those areas miserable to play, and woe to anyone actually trying to complete story (such as Rishi and Yavin 4).

Solutions to this issue would be a) lower the number of players in each instance; b) distribute the objectives more broadly so players don't all converge on a few specific areas. EA/BW said nothing about the former and doubled down on making the objectives narrow for the latter, at least for the first season of GS.

2.  The "RNG" for objectives is very heavily skewed toward PVP and GSF, which are activities many players dislike and do not want to do. It's not uncommon to have both GSF and Warzones come up as the day's POs, and there's only one re-roll.  

3. Re-rolling any objective often results in GSF or PVP coming up again. There's only one, so that often means a player cannot complete their PO (s) for the day. 

As solutions to #2 and #3, players have been asking for a) more re-rolls; b) a way to toggle mission preference between PVE, solo PVE and PVP objectives so they avoid the ones they hate and won't do. 

4. There are no solo weekly POs. 

It seems as though EA/BW is making a conscious effort to ignore all the feedback on what many players actually want from the game and the issues they've expressed both on the PTS and live, to try to push the play styles they - and a small clique of fans - personally favor. It feels to me that they are trying to force the game and the player base to be something they're not. 

SWTOR was marketed as a story based game. Its core demographic comes largely from two single-player, story-based games: KOTOR and KOTOR II. When it was released it was praised for the richness of its storytelling, and the strength of its voiceover artists. 

Not PVP. 

Not raids. 

Not GSF. 

Story. Good, substantial story. 

The writing on the wall is there with other EA/BW games, too. The next Dragon Age was changed from a MMO to a single-player game. Anthem, a game involving group play, failed. Fallen Order, a single-player story based game, did well. 

Mass Effect and Dragon Age are a decade old. KOTOR is an older game, too. People still play them, and want more of them, because of the story. 

Of course, EA/BW would love it if the SWTOR playerbase en masse learned to love PVPing and GSF. It's low-cost content for them. They don't have to do much; just provide the maps and let players kill each other. But that isn't why people play this game, overall. There are far better games for PVP, first-person shooters and space battles, if that is what one actually wants. Heck, there's an entire space battle Star Wars game, Battlefront II, if that is what one wants. 

In SWTOR, it's about the story. It's about the characters. 

Sometimes I feel like there are devs at EA/BW who are trying to do this with the resources they have, and I'm grateful for that effort. The swoop rally had short storylines and characters to talk with. Echoes of Oblivion brought us the best writing since KOTFE. They had a Mandalorian themed flashpoint that brought in a storyline for non-Force users. None of it was IMPS VS PUBS 4EVA!!! which was great. Even the Secrets of the Enclave was pretty good. While I dread what it may be setting up, and it's back to the IMPS VS PUBS 4EVA!!! treadmill which is boring and tedious as fuck, it was designed well and had some really excellent moments. 

But...Spirit of Vengeance was designed initially at a level much more tedious, and requiring better gear, than usual story/solo flashpoints. GSF objectives get way more conquest points that anything else. Some mats are only available through ranked PVP or NiM Ops. And now, Galactic Seasons, which could have been brilliant but seems to be garnering more resentment, anger and lost subscriptions than anything else. 

When is there engagement and interest in SWTOR? When does one see more people posting on the official forums? When do the planets seem busier? When there's new story or event that can be soloed. 

What do people constantly ask for? New stories, new engagement with companions, new strongholds, new world building. 

It's interesting that EA/BW never has to beg or bribe people to play the story. Players do it because they want to. Even KOTFE/KOTET, which are not super popular, do not require player bribes.  The only story content people seem to avoid or revile en masse are the walker missions; Oricon, which needs two ops to be completed; and Makeb, which tellingly has no characters with which the player can bond and engage long-term. 

The class stories? Still being played. I've been through the Sith Warrior story four times, with several clones at various points in the class story working their way through. I've been through the Sith Inquisitor story three times, again, with more clones coming up. Bounty Hunter? Three times, so far.. Smuggler? Twice, so far. Imperial Agent? Twice. I've repeated every class story at least once, and I still keep coming back to do the class stories and planetary stories and side quests, because they are good. Because I like the characters I meet. Because the planets are engaging. 

Shadow of Revan? Still being played. 

I still see people on Ilum. I see people on Onderon and Ossus. Even Zakuul and Iokath. The story content gets played, and played again. One of the things people have requested again and again, in fact, is a way to repeat the story content.  

Voiceover artists are expensive, especially when three languages are being recorded, but players have offered ways to add engagement with companions without speech, such as emails from them. Silent missions. You don't need to have a voiceover artist to animate a short scene of Lana Beniko or Theron Shan dancing on the beach with a PC they've romanced. Even if they cannot keep up every romance, if they just kept up with Lana and Theron it would make players happy. Add in, let's say, four or six selected from the class stories - let's say Scourge, Kira, Quinn, Jorgan, Vette, Risha - and a lot of people would be overjoyed. Four men, four women; equal number from each faction + KOTFE. That does leave an uneven number of mlm/wlw possibilities but there are two of each, as well. And those companions can certainly have platonic friendly conversations with the PC, too. I personally really miss Vette, Talos, Xalek, Blizz, Ashara and Jaesa being in my story. And many others, too.

The things being offered by GS are things that story players enjoy - decos, new strongholds, companions with side story missions - and this makes it even more frustrating that story players are being expected to PVP, GSF and use Group Finder, unless they want to buy their way through, to get them. Don't get me wrong - the fact that it's all optional makes me less angry at EA/BW than Iokath and Oricon did, by a long shot. All the same, it's a shame they're setting it up this way, because if they gave story/solo players objectives that were not PVP and group based, I think they'd be seeing a lot more excitement and engagement right about now. 

Right now, it seems EA/BW is far more interested in catering to a smaller player group who enjoys side content that the rest of the player base has to be actively bribed and coerced to play. Should PVP and GSF get development? Sure, if people enjoy it. Should the game try to funnel the rest of us into it? No. The fact that players don't want to be there, and have expressed that sentiment again and again, and constantly need to be bribed and coerced into it, should be a wakeup call. But EA/BW is still sleeping and hitting the snooze button. 

SWTOR is a story-based game. Raids, PVP, GSF are all wonderful for those who enjoy them but they are not for everyone. Players in a story based game need story. 

[ihatebnha]

With the beauty stuff going on here- think Bakugo and Shoto (maybe Shinso?) would comfort their s/o in regards to not entering certain clothing stores? I can't go into a lot of them because all/the majority of their clothes are for skinny/petite women and I can't fit into it. Plus, with all the good looking girls who work in those stores I can't help but compare myself and see the trash I am. Sometimes I get physically sick if I walk into the stores because its so overwhelming. Sigh. Wish those boys would be a comfort, but they'd probably just be awkward or break up wif me. Especially explody boy.

Legend... the only thing that’s trash here is your garbage attitude! I wanna let you know that I’m on the tubbier side, too... so when you say you’re trash, you’re calling me trash, too... and I honestly don’t like that nor do I agree... (and trust me, I hate fitting rooms too... why do you think i only wear pajamas all the time?)

because the truth is...YOU’RE NOT! You just live in a world that favors conventionally attractive and skinny people over everyone else. Obviously it isn’t bad to be either of those things, but we all have a duty to work hard at rewiring our brains to reevaluate society’s sense of beauty (esp since its very eurocentric, too). 

it’s also funny you sent me this because I honestly believe that all the boys in bnha like chubby girls (but ofc they don’t discriminate)! im very genuine when i say that EVERYONE is their ideal type, and i could honestly talk for hours about how they’re too busy being heroes to give a crap about petty things such as looks and weight. 

the truth is, “real men” (and real partners, for that matter) don’t care if you’re heavy, have beauty marks, anything, so therefore... the bnha boys dont mind those things, either. 

plus lmfao... todo, bakugo, and shinso are all actually in my top list of chubby chasers soooo (although im biased and think every character is on that list tbh)... 

none of them would break up with you for your insecurities! They of all people understand what it’s like to be ashamed of things (as Bakugo faces feelings of inferiority, Shinso has his quirk, and Todo’s family is bananas), so they would only want to comfort you if you ever expressed your concerns. 

Not to mention, they all seem like the type to be in a relationship for the long haul... So if they’re already dating you, it means they’re in it FOR LIFE🤞🏻

Which is why, none of what you do could ever bother them... and as for comforting... 

I don’t think either Bakugo, Todo, or Shinso are really going to notice if you don’t want to or can’t go into certain clothing stores. They’re heroes (and boys for that matter💀) with a lot on their mind, so if you mention you don’t like shopping somewhere, they’re just going to assume that you either don’t feel like it or it’s not your style. 

Their heads don’t really connect your insecurities with your shopping preferences, simply because they assume you already know what you like to wear and where you like to shop.

In Shinso’s case, while I can see him picking up on some of your subtleties, such as avoiding certain stores and/or sections, he’s probably not really going to think it’s a serious issue or bring up the topic unless you initiate the conversation yourself, mostly because he (doesn’t want to be at the mall) assumes you already know that he likes your body and really doesn’t care what you wear. 

That being said, when you are in fitting rooms together, he gets pretty handsy even before you start getting frustrated by things. Definitely distracts you from doing anything by whistling at you or grabbing at your thighs and pulling you between his legs from where he sits on the tiny stool they’ve provided... Also probably puts in some effort beforehand too, helping you pick out things that he likes and are more likely to fit in the first place.  

Bakugo is pretty similar to this, as well. With his parents working in the design industry, he definitely has a good eye for sizing and can help you pick out the most accurate things for your body type. He’s actually really useful because you can hold up anything, and he’ll generally have a pretty good idea on whether the style will suit you or not, and if it’s in the right size. This makes trying things on a bit more bearable, as you honestly end up fitting everything you bring into the changing room. 

He’s also good to shop with because he’s probably not gonna let you go to any shitty clothing stores either... So wherever you end up going is probably gonna have better stuff that’s in every size, anyway (it’s literally like 2200 and people have quirks... you can’t tell me stores would have things for literally every shape). The nice thing about this too is that everything you end up getting is super comfortable for that exact reason. 

Definitely can stay pretty serious in the dressing rooms... but you have to be careful because the moment you guys get home he’s gonna be horn-nee. 

Todoroki, on the other side of all of this, is literally motherfucking useless. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be comforting, it’s just he really just doesn’t put the puzzle pieces of your insecurity together AND thinks you look good in everything, regardless... so even if you tried to explain why you hate shopping, he’s just like “but everyone has things they don’t fit?” 

HOWEVER..... the redeeming quality about him is.... HE IS RICH!!! And probably grew up with a tailor, and/or at least a family stylist, so once you’re in with him, he just adds you onto the bill for that, too. Say goodbye shopping, hello to having clothing that fits you shipped right to your door... (and Todo just loves staring at you while you get measured for outfits). 

SO.... sorry for my earlier harshness... it’s just because I love and care about you sooooo much!! as well as understand what it’s like to feel like a freak in forever 21... 

ANYWAY... here’s just some little things I wanted to include, too! 

-

I used to think that Bakugo wouldn’t have a preference for thick girls, but then I saw this tik tok that was like, “my attractive friends always ask me where all the hot and fit boys are.... in these guts bitch” and my perspective changed entirely... I just know a beefy boy like him who has a mean mommy LOVES curves... like you can’t tell me he doesn’t see your belly and absolutely melts... like that shit is straight FAXXXXXXXXXXX no printer... (i also saw a tik tok today that was like, “would you fuck me if i was skinny? and the person said “i would fuck you right now.” and tbh that’s big baku energy LOL) 

Todoroki also definitely gives me vibes where if you’re like, “but i look ugly in ____,” he’s just like, “doesn’t matter, it’s you.” AND YES TBH i cried

AND shinso... god tbh shinso is the guy that all your friends are jealous of bc he’s the one who’s like, “I like my women with meat on them” because he doesn’t believe in skinny culture or diets... he wants you chubby bc chubby just kinda looks more correct.... tbh king shit

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

What does modern feminism do that you don't agree with? This is genuine btw

A couple things before I start: 

- This is not meant to bash all the feminists out there unless they fit into what I’m saying. I know there are good feminists out there 

- When I say ‘you’ I’m not meaning you, I’m saying it in a general way 

-I hope I get my point across and it’s clear. I sometimes struggle with that 

Also I’m sorry this is so long and it’s in no particular order and I hope none of this comes across as being aggressive or anything

~~ 

A lot of my issues with the movement boils down to attitudes. To me, that is very telling of its true colors. And I do try not to necessarily judge an entire movement from just the bad people because I know that isn’t fair, although I do feel like the bad feminists have taken over the movement and end up drowning out the good voices and that’s why we hear more negativity than positivity. 

One thing that I have issue with the lack of respect towards those that disagree whether it’s with the movement itself or it’s a particular thing. For a movement that preaches about a woman’s choice, I don’t feel that really happens like it should. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong here but depending on what the topic is I get a general impression like you’re not really supposed to disagree with what’s being side. You do and you might have someone lash out at you (that’s another point I have). Or if you say you’re anti feminist, you have people coming up with these reasons why they think you are; one being internalized misogyny  and you get called a pick-me which I find a bit insulting.  I should be able to have an opinion without someone assuming I’m trying to get a man’s attention or I can’t think for myself or I hate other girls. That isn’t it! Wouldn’t you think that is misogynistic? 

And if it’s not  internalized misogyny, then there are other factors; her being white (which usually then goes on to sound racist)  or it’s because she has money or  internalized racism or whatever they come up with. And it sounds condescending and that just bugs me. Hey, maybe instead of some underlying reason, we just don’t agree. 

or you have people try to stick the label on anyway. 

‘If you believe in equality you’re a feminist’

The label means nothing. I don’t understand why some will focus on this so much. I don’t want to be called a feminist. I don’t need to. In the same way, it’s not necessary for me to refer to myself as an MRA (men’s rights activist). And yeah, I know this says it’s an “MRA blog” that’s what I had when I started. But ultimately, the label isn’t important. I’m all for equality. It’s cool, it’s great. But I see this sort of thing (online that is) being forced on people and the thing is, with that wording it makes it sound like the movement is all inclusive when it’s not. You have to have certain politics and for the most part (unless you’re a religious feminist) you have to be pro choice otherwise you’re not a ‘real’ feminist. 

My next issue is all the aggression. You can just tell sometimes with how people respond online or if you catch a video that someone posted. And not only that, but how quickly people fall into name-calling or just all around acting like a child. And for the most it seems pretty acceptable to some because it keeps happening. It’s not hard to find on this site or otherwise. If you can’t communicate your opinions about something without having a fit or blocking someone (excluding if they just keep harassing you) then you’re not mature enough. That shows me you don’t really care about having a real discussion. And some can say that it happening on here is probably done by teenagers and to an extent they’re probably right. But it happens on other sites and in real life as well and it’s more than just teens. It’s people my age and older and that’s not cool. 

And then we have  how some like to ignore the differences between men and women. Sure, yes, there are many things a woman can do just like a man but we also have to acknowledge our differences.  I don’t see a lot of that with some forms of feminism. STEM, for example, is something I would attribute the differences more to just how men and women tend to be rather than sexism. Could there be certain circumstances where it is sexism? Sure, I suppose you can’t rule it out entirely. Otherwise I would say it’s just what they’re happy doing. I know girls who are doing science stuff or business things but I also know girls who are going to be teachers or psychologists or nurses. It’s not that they're actively being told by everyone that they can’t do it(I suppose unless they live in some other country like that). That’s just what they want to do, you know, their choice. Just like how some men go towards a job like with computers or farming or they’re pre-school teachers or gynecologists.

 I found an interesting fact (source will be posted below) that said women are actually preferred over men two-to-one for faculty positions. The study was done by psychologists from Cornell University with professors from 371 colleges/universities in the US. It also noted that: “recent national census-type studies showing that female Ph.D.s are disproportionately less likely to apply for tenure-track positions, yet when they do they are more likely to be hired, in some science fields approaching the two-to-one ratio revealed by Williams and Ceci.” 

Yet, we need to ask ourselves honestly, how often do facts like these get passed around vs the idea that women are suffering from misogyny and therefore are unable to fully represent in STEM jobs? 

The next thing I want to address is misandry. Now there are a good portion of people who don't think it exists or if it does, it's really not much of an issue because of the "power" and the "privilege" men have within society. And to me, I have a problem with that. If feminism is supposed to be for men as well, I would think they would want to combat misandry as well as misogyny. If someone really doesn't think it exists, I would suggest that the person really take a look at what goes on in real life and online that's directed towards men.

There's the whole "male tears" thing which is on coffee mugs and t-shirts. There's the kill all men/yes all men thing. All of which are supposed to be jokes and if a man says something about it he gets mocked for his "fragile masculinity"

That's just not okay. They're being immature and a bully which they usually try to justify (men have done this and that throughout history to women) but you just can't.

I found this article, this really really atrocious article. It's one of those open letter things and found on this feminist website (feminisminindia) and I almost believed it to be satire with how.... stereotypically Tumblr it was. I did research and looked at the info regarding the site and nope, it's a serious site. I'll post the article below but I'll also summarize it:

Basically this woman is telling the men in her life that she will not stop saying "men are trash or other radical feminist opinions." She's saying it because women and others have suffered so much at the hands of the patriarchy because they're not straight white men. She goes on to say:

So let’s establish: misandry isn’t real. Just like unicorns and heterophobia, misandry is a myth because it isn’t systematic or systemic. Unlike misogyny, cis men don’t face oppression purely based on their gender. While they may encounter instances of racism, homophobia and ableism, they are not dehumanised as a function of their gender identity (read: cis privilege).

That is wrong. Absolutely wrong. Misandry is real. "Cis" people do face oppression purely based on their gender. Anyone can. To deny that lacks understanding.

And the rest is just saying that: It is time to start hating on men-as-a-whole and starting celebrating the men that you are.

And: Because at the end of the day, feminists need men. Whether it’s because you wield structural power or because we genuinely value your existence, we need to band together to destroy ‘men’ because men are trash, but you, if you made it to the end of this, are probably not. Prove me right.

I would imagine this is a common viewpoint. And it's not a good one. If you genuinely think a whole group as a whole is bad you need to reexamine your thoughts. It's not "men" that are bad, it's the sexist people.

To wrap this up (I'm sure you might be tired of reading this lol); like I said, the attitudes play a huge part of it. Modern feminism, in my opinion, is just not good enough for me to say I agree with it and want to identify as one. I just can't

Here is the link to the feminist article: https://www.google.com/amp/s/feminisminindia.com/2020/09/23/men-are-trash-and-other-radical-feminist-opinions/%3famp

And here is the link for the STEM thing: https://news.cornell.edu/stories/2015/04/women-preferred-21-over-men-stem-faculty-positions

[conziergearch]

name.   phillip anthony broyles

residence.   queens,  new york.   rents a small apartment that pretty much none of his coworkers ever have seen,   but still pays for the house in which his  ( ex - )  wife and children live.   it’s close enough to his kids’ school so he can pick them up occasionally.

number of blankets.   one!

number of pillows.   he owns a queen size bed with two pillows,   of which one pretty much has no use other than making the bed look less incomplete.

type of clothes.   he’s a typical boxer shorts and loose t-shirt wearer.  occasionally,  he’ll wear socks to bed  ( particularly during winter )  or switch up his shorts for joggers,   but that’s pretty much it.   when he isn’t sleeping and he isn’t in uniform / a dress suit,   he’s got a golf dad chic asdjbfasjd.   a lot of polo shirts and comfortable jumpers.

do they sleep with company?   lmfao,  he’s been practically celibate for months.   ( i say,  jokingly,  fully aware that he’s separated from his wife but not yet divorced unless discussed otherwise. )   if the occasion arises,   he does enjoy sleeping with women.   but mostly at their places and not his own because,  again,  it’s a small apartment of a nearly-divorced special agent who put his work over his family.   it’s not exactly suited for sexy tête-à-têtes most of the time.

do they sleep better with company?   usually,  yes.  but he doesn’t a lot of trouble sleeping.   that changes once his doppelgänger dies and he takes on the responsibility for the funeral,   and develops nightmares about switching places with sergeant broyles from the red universe.   but overall,   he sleeps well on his own and slightly better with company.

does it matter where they sleep?   he has slept on the couch in his office before,   but that was when it was already clear that diane wanted to separate and was threatening with a divorce.   once he found an apartment to rent,   he avoided sleeping at the office for the sake of his efficiency.   he’s also adamant of his agents to not sleep at their own offices  ( or the lab,   in the case of walter, peter, kat… )   and go back home to get a good night’s worth of sleep.

what do they do if they can’t sleep?   he reads.   or,   something he’d be less likely to admit:   booty calls lol.   or just generally texts people late at night of whom he knows that they’re likely not asleep either.   mags occasionally gets obscure texts about the chapters he’s reading.

frequent dreams, nightmares:   pretty much all dreams,   whether neutral or negative,   are based on his experiences as the head of the fringe division.   the death of the other phillip broyles haunts him as much as losing / constantly worrying about olivia does tbh.

deep slumber or naps?   deep slumber,  although he can take a power nap if necessary.   then he’s mostly just sat behind his desk,   head leaning against the backrest,   and lightly snoring probably lmfao

when do they sleep?   he works out several times a week after work,   mostly to get the job off his mind.   on most days,   he goes to bed around ten or eleven pm to get up around six.

what could wake them?   he’s a pretty deep sleeper but any loud or sudden noise can wake him up.   his phone ringing definitely does a lot of the nights.

tagged by.   my loml @divcrse,   tagging.   @emcrse,  @theresastargirl​,  @roseguided (chani),  @desafia,  @ethyreal (syd),  @kvnghs,  @gentsleuth, anyone who wants to indulge me tbh <3

[your-angle-of-music]

Of all the classic operatic figures that Erik could have picked to focus on in his magnum opus, the ultimate expression of his trauma and agony, the work that he intends to kill him and die with him, why the hell did he go with Don Juan? And why Don Juan Triumphant? (We are steadfastly ignoring the ALW musical version here.)

In most versions of the story (including in Mozart’s Don Giovanni, the most famous version and the one that Erik references to Christine), Don Juan is a wealthy nobleman who likes to drink, gamble, and most of all seduce young women in scenarios where consent is often dubious, if not nonexistent. He frequently adopts various disguises or elaborate schemes to get into their petticoats, and he never stays for long. One day, Don Juan is caught in the act by the father of his latest lover. Don Juan kills the father (Don Gonzalo) without hesitation or remorse. A little later, high on his hubris, Don Juan finds Don Gonzalo’s statue in a graveyard and mockingly invites him to dinner. Except, Don Gonzalo actually comes to dinner, and demands that Don Juan repent. Don Juan refuses, and he gets dragged down to hell.

There are some superficial similarities between Don Juan as we know him and Erik. The trickster aspect comes to mind; Erik is also a master of disguise and voice tricks and clever schemes to act unseen or unrecognized. I do think that that’s important.

But I mean, besides that…what else is there? Erik and Don Juan both have villainous qualities, but they are expressed very differently. Erik is lonely; Don Juan is horny. Erik is disgusted by himself; Don Juan doesn’t give a fuck. Erik is reflective; Don Juan is impulsive. Erik loves possessively; Don Juan is incapable of love. Erik seeks control; Don Juan seeks mindlessness.

And most of all, Erik, unlike Don Juan, is an outsider. Don Juan is handsome and charming and rich. He can make anyone fall in love with him at first sight, if only for one night. He has the power to hurt women of all classes without retribution because he is a nobleman and therefore untouchable. He’s smart, to be sure, but even more than that, he’s lucky. The only thing that can hurt him is the wrath of God himself; humans can’t get in his way.

Erik has none of those advantages. He is the lowest of the low, who cannot hurt with impunity (unless it’s for someone else’s ends, like the Shah’s, and even then, it’s borrowed time, or unless he becomes very good at hiding). And so it’s not some heavenly force that eventually “defeats” him, but real and human compassion — something that he, unlike Don Juan, is rarely shown.

In the David Coward translation of the novel, the most full one I have access to, Erik describes his Don Juan Triumphant like this: “My Don Juan does not use a Lorenzo Da Ponte libretto, nor is it marred by drink, carnal love and vice in order to show them ultimately punished by God,” rather, “my Don is never licked by the flames of heavenly wrath, yet he burns, Christine, he burns!”

I really wish I understood French, because I cannot tell whether Leroux means that Erik’s Don Juan never does the sex-drugs-and-rock-n-roll thing at all, or whether he does, and it goes unpunished by the powers that be. I’m leaning towards the latter. This Don Juan sounds very interesting. He also sounds very little like Erik. 

In his footnote, Coward states that a Don Juan who never goes to hell is “a bold assertion of human will.” I see where he’s coming from, but I think he’s only half right. Listen to Christine’s description of the actual musical composition (sorry for the very long quotation): 

“His Don Juan Triumphant sounded to me like a long, wrenching, magnificent cry of distress into which Erik had poured all his doomed unhappiness. I recalled the manuscript book filled with red notes and could easily imagine that such music had been written in blood. It took my on a journey through his suffering, into every corner of the abyss inhabited by the man with the devastated face; it showed me Erik banging his poor hideous head against the shadowy walls of his own hell, avidly fleeing the gaze of human beings to avoid filling them with horror. Stunned, breathless, abject, beaten, I listened to that explosion of gigantic chords which made suffering divine. Then unexpectedly the notes rising up out of the abyss gathered themselves into one single, monumental menacing flight, into a turning, gyring swarm that took off into the heavens as the eagle soars towards the sun, and a triumphant concatenation of sounds seemed to set the world on fire. At that moment, I knew that the work was finished and that Ugliness raised on the wings of Love had at last dared to look Beauty in the face!”

Is it just me or does this not sound very Don Juan, or very triumphant? It’s just…pain. Lots of pain. It ends on a note of hope with Erik falling in love, but he only gets to look. Not touch or have or experience. If someone is triumphing, it’s not Erik. If there is a Don Juan, it’s something else, his cage, his complement, his opposite, his oppressor. Something that never ends up getting punished, at least not by the universe as we know it.

I think this opera has Erik as its protagonist, but it is named for its villain. Don Juan is Raoul, or Philippe, or the opera managers, or the Shah and the little sultana, or the Sultan, or his parents. People who had opportunities that he never did and who use them to hurt people like him whom they can get away with hurting. Like Don Juan, they change shape through the years, but they’re still all the same. Erik lives in a world where the Don Juans always triumph, and it seems as though God himself is on their side. 

So maybe Don Juan Triumphant is a bold assertion of human will, but not because Erik is evading hell, but because Erik believes that God hates him, and that he doesn’t deserve his hatred. He lays bare hell for all to see, and states that the wrong man has been put inside it. He condemns his society through the language of music and theater that he has always known, and inserts real human suffering into operatic artifice. And the work will die with him, because the world isn’t ready for the product of his pain.

I have many, many problems with Erik and his self-perception. But if I’m right about this… well. I think that’s pretty sexy of him indeed.

[jawritter]

Mirror Mirror

Summary: It can be hard to be married to someone you see as virtually the most beautiful person in the world, when you don’t see yourself that way, and all eyes seem to be watching.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Plus Sized!Reader

Warnings: Floooffff, tooth rooting floooffff!! Lol, Flangst, probably the flangstiest flangst I’ve ever flangsted. Language, self hate, insecure reader. Jensen's is a complete fucking sweetheart. That’s about it I think.

Ward Count: 2249

Beta’d by: @deanwanddamons! Thanks so much love!

A/N: Okay guys! This fic was one I wrote before the final and now I’m glad I wrote this baby before hand, because while I’m still working on the comfort fic you all requested, It’s taking me a little to get my emotions under control! So, that being said, enjoy this one guys! The Jensen x Reader comfort fic which will be titled Pieces Of Me, will be here as soon as I can guys! Feedback is gold! Please do not copy my work!

***MASTERLIST***     ***BECOME A PATREON***

You stood in front of the most dreaded object in your house with big, ugly tears rolling down your reddened cheeks. 

The mirror. 

There was a stack of dresses in expensive bags behind you, and a pile of matching shoes scattered across your bedroom floor. You had been at this for more than three hours, and nothing you put on looked right to you. 

Your eyes rake over the image of your disgruntled self in the mirror as you run your hands down your not so flat stomach; all the way down to your thighs that were a lot thicker than what was considered “pretty” by most standards. 

Every dress you put on today seemed to do nothing but accentuate your worst features, and highlight the things that you were the most self conscious  about, and today was the last day you had to pick an outfit for the awards ceremony that your husband had to attend in California. You were flying out first thing in the morning, and you still had nothing to wear. The thought  utterly terrifies you. 

You turn away from your reflection in disgust and sit down heavily on the foot of your bed, your head hanging down as the tears flowed heavier from your eyes onto the black satin material of the dress that went down to your knees. 

You hated awards ceremonies, and this was why. You hated all public appearances where you had to be seen by the fans with Jensen, but awards ceremonies were like next level humiliation for you. 

You didn’t have the body of the actresses and supermodels that walked the red carpet alongside your husband who was WAY the hell out of league. You were a little overweight, and you always had been. No matter how many miles you got up early to run in the morning, or expensive gym memberships you wasted hard earned money on, you were still on the heavier side. 

Diet pills either did nothing, or made you sick. You weren’t heavy enough for surgery, and even if you were you would be terrified to take it that far. Diets themselves did NOTHING, and you had done some pretty extreme diets since you met and started dating Jensen. Once you had  married him, you continued to try and lose weight, even though Jensen insisted you were beautiful. 

You never told him, but you had seen the comments on social media concerning Jensen’s “fatass of a wife,” and how “he could do so much better than that.” The one that stuck with you the most was, “I bet on the rare occasion he does have sex with her it’s when the lights off.”

People were cruel, and when they were able to hide behind the safety of computers they were even more cruel than usual. You knew that if you didn’t look just right on the red carpet tomorrow with Jensen, if you didn’t look like the woman he deserved to have on his arm, and not just yourself, they would tear  you both apart. 

You were so lost in your self loathing that you didn’t hear the front door close, or Jensen’s heavy footfalls making their way closer to your still open bedroom door. When he first caught sight of you, and all the clothing bags and shoes that littered the room, his heart fell to his feet. He wished you could see you the way he saw you, he wished you could see just how beautiful you were. He’d been trying to help you see it for years, but when big events like this come up they seem to drag out all those old insecurities that broke his heart almost as bad as they broke yours.

Jensen made his way over to you as you quickly tried to wipe the tears from your face to hide the fact that you were crying and knelt down in front of you, taking your hand in his own while cupping the side of your face with his free hand, making you look up into his piercing green eyes that looked sadder than you expected them too.

“What’s wrong baby,” he asked you, catching a stray tear with the pad of his thumb and wiping it away before it had a chance to join the other’s on our lap. 

You just shook your head and tried to look away as you attempted to swallow the giant lump of nothing that formed in your throat. Jensen was having none of it, and moved to sit on the bed next to you, shoving the bags out of his way so that there was a place next to you. 

“Come on pretty girl, talk to me please. What’s got you so upset?”

You knew he wasn’t going to let it go, so you tried to take a deep breath to steady your nerves. You didn’t want to melt into a weeping mess in front of him, not over something like this, but everything just seemed so amplified lately. All the stress caused your emotions to get out of control because you really had no idea why you were stressed, you just were, and everything just seemed overwhelming lately. 

“I’m fat Jay,” you tell him, hating how thick your voice sounds from all the crying you’d been doing for hours now. “I’m too fat to fit into anything, and look good enough to go to this awards thing with you. People are going to make fun of you for being married to a fucking whale. Maybe I should just stay here in Austin.” A dark chuckle formed in your throat at the thought you never intended to say aloud, but did anyway. “Maybe you should just divorce me and find someone who’s more your speed.”

“Wait a minute, woah, where is this coming from?” Jensen asked, turning to face you on the bed, and cupping your face in his large hands. “Baby girl, you are NOT fat! Why would you say something like that?” 

You jerk away from his hold, emotions getting the better of you as you stood to your feet in front of him, gesturing to your body that was still squeezed into the black cocktail dress that you hated so much right now. “Are you blind? Look at me Jensen! I’m fat! I don’t need you to lie to me because you feel that you have to because we’re married! I’m not a moron. I look in the mirror everyday! I’m FAT!” 

Your tone was harsh as it all tumbled out of you, but Jensen just gave you a sad look, not interrupting, just letting you get it all out of your system. Once you were done, and just flopped back down on the bed in defeat, Jensen grabbed your hand, and pulled you over to the mirror, stopping you in front of it, and guiding your gaze to the reflection that was staring at you as he stood behind you, brushing your hair away from your face as his eyes raked down your body. 

“Can I tell you what I see?” He asked, but you just shook your head, and tried to turn away, but he stopped you. 

“Jay, please, I know what I look like....”

“I never said let me tell you what you see, I want to tell you what I see.” Jensen said, turning you back to the mirror as you let out a deep breath in defeat, choosing silence in fear of hurting his feelings when he’d done nothing wrong. 

“I see a strong, beautiful young woman, who is way more than I ever deserved. I see a woman who knows just what to do to drive me crazy in the best ways. I see someone that’s stood by me when most people would have walked away from me. I see a woman who I can’t go to sleep at night unless she’s tucked into my arms. I see my reason for waking up in the morning. I see the woman I love with everything in me. I see the woman I want to have a family, grow old with, and be buried next to someday.”

He reached around and brushed the tears aways before leaving a trail of soft, open mouth kisses down the exposed skin of your neck and shoulder. His big hands slide down to lay over your stomach that you hated so much before his eyes met yours in the mirror, his gaze soft and warm laced with love that you sometimes forgot to look for when you needed to feel it the most. 

“I don’t love you because of the way you look, but baby let me tell you nobody drives me as crazy as you do. Do you seriously think some skinny little bitch could handle me? Baby girl, I’d split her open,” he all but growled, nipping at the shell of your ear to drive his point home, sending a warm shiver down your back, letting you momentarily forget what you were even upset about as heat pooled through your body at the slightest touch.

“Those women in the industry, they’re not real women. You have the body of a real woman. Safe, warm, mine.” Turning you abruptly in his arms his lips found yours in a heated kiss that left you breathless and your world spinning when he finally pulled away from you. “I don’t want you to ever say that you're fat again, because you're not a baby girl. To me you're perfect, and that’s all that matters. I don’t give a shit about what people think. If they attack my girl, then they will live to regret it. You're gonna be the most beautiful woman on the red carpet tomorrow night, and when we get back to that hotel room, I’m gonna show you just how crazy that damn dress is driving me.”

Jensen's gaze darkened as his eyes roamed your body, and he licked his lips as if already plotting just how he was going to ruin you when you got to California. 

“Why wait until tomorrow night, when we got all night to pack?” you asked him, running your fingers through his hair that had been getting longer ever since Supernatural had ended, enjoying the almost purr that fell from his lips as he nuzzled deeper into your touch before his gaze found yours again, pulling you tighter into his hold. 

“Because, I don’t want you to get mad okay? But there’s something I really want you to do for me right now,” he said, his eyes searching yours waiting on your response, and when you said nothing, just stood there on pins and needles, he brushed your lips with the pad of his thumb and placed his lips to your forehead before he finally told you what was on his mind. 

“I want you to  take a pregnancy test for me,” he said in a soft voice, so soft that you almost weren’t sure you heard him correctly at first, but pulling back to meet his gentle gaze you knew you had. 

“A pregnancy test?” you asked him in disbelief, still unsure whether you should be offended or not. 

“Baby, hear me out,” he said, sensing your change in demeanor. “You’ve been really emotional for a few weeks now. This isn’t the first time I caught you crying this week, and not just over something like this. You’re also three days late for your period, and we have been trying. I think you might be a pregnant sweetheart. It would explain why you're feeling this way.”

You swallowed hard and nodded as you thought back over the emotional wreck you had been all month long, and the longer you thought about it, the more you thought he could be right. 

Giving him a quick peck on the lips, you slip out of his hold, and make your way to the bathroom to take the test. Your brain and body felt numb as your mind rolled over possible symptoms. The queasy feeling you passed off as bad Chinese food. The headaches. The extreme fatigue. The late period. 

You didn’t even get the cap on before two pink lines appeared on the screen in front of you, and tears filled your eyes as you felt Jensen’s strong arms wrap around your middle, pulling you into a kiss that knocked the wind slap out of you. In that moment, it didn’t matter what the mirror said, or the assholes online said. At that moment, your body didn’t feel like an utter failure. All you could think about was the little miracle growing inside of you as you both held onto each other for a moment, and when Jensen turned you to the bathroom mirror, both of you with wet eyes and happy expressions staring back at you, Jensen brought his lips down to the top of your head. 

“See, I told you. Now baby, do you see what I see, because I see my beautiful wife, and mother of my child. What I saw from the moment I met you.”

You nod and turn to press your lips to his again, feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks, now that it all made sense as to why you were all over the place all week. Your body was doing just what it was designed to do, and for the first time, you looked in the mirror, and didn’t hate what you saw.

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Mirror Mirror Tags: @tuataracda123 @woodworthti666​

[creatorofclay]

Welcome back to observations with your favorite Kamski obsessed roleplayer. Last time, we talked about the actual location of Elijah's villa (boy was that a pain to dig back up too), the exact location of it on Belle Island. Today, it's time to discuss inside.

So, credit where credit is due, I want to thank @nock-and-bolt for their post about it that caused me to dig myself because, wow. I actually bought the game on PC and paid for the freecam (from otis_inf on Patr.eon) to dig because I am absolutely desperate. Hope you enjoy!

For my research purposes, I will be focusing on the parts of the rooms you don’t get to see normally, since the pool room and waiting room are explored enough in game... As well as a bunch of other things, wow this post got long LOL woops.

Okay, so, first off, I have said this before and I will say it again. This place is UGLY. But, I don’t get modern design, so we will move on from that. Second, the place is literally aesthetic only, I swear to you. There are at least 20+ different chairs/couches that you can see just in the main parts of the house. There’s no reason to have that much sitting space unless you either host people a lot, which I highly doubt he does, or its for design and nothing else. It doesn’t even include what we can’t see on the other side of the house, its just the rooms we CAN see. 

Its not a place you live, this is like a museum. Or office or some showroom.

The left side (facing the building) is the only part that I believe is the living space and it seems to be very small. But, knowing that Kamski has an appreciation for Japanese culture, and that I personally believe he’s absolutely a minimalist, this would make sense. He doesn’t need more than this small corner of the house for the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. 

Roughly this size which, like I said, is probably enough for him. It would be the size of basically a studio apartment except more utilized because the living room and dining room are the other side of the house. 

But, moving on from the outside. Now, nock-and-bolt showed us what was behind the door that Chloe walks through in the pool room, but what I am curious about now is the farthest right door in the waiting area.

I think I remember seeing concept art that made it out to be what looked like it could have been a room, there was a bookshelf behind the door. I always assumed it was a home office or something, and its what I personally have worked with in my headcanons. But, nope. Thats actually wrong. 

Its just another hallway into this main living room. Which makes sense, sort of, if the kitchen and other things are on the other side of the waiting area. So you don’t always have to walk through the pool room to get to the other side of the house. But, whats super neat, that I love about this, is the stuff on the shelf here. Its just a few things but boy are they interesting. 

A floral vase and a couple weird, modern art pieces. I really don’t like Elijah’s style, I can’t stress that enough here, but its again clear how much of a minimalist he is. But, there is also one more thing:

What looks like some sort of Greek inspired vase the highest on the shelves. I did a bit of research to figure out what its supposed to be and what I could find seems to be referring to a nostos, which is “is a theme used in Ancient Greek literature, which includes an epic hero returning home by sea.” Which I only found from reading about Odysseus who was most known for his own nostos that took his 10 “eventful” years after the decade long trojan war, the subject of the Odyssey, one of two major ancient Greek epic poems attributed to Homer.

Crucial themes in the poem include the ideas of nostos (νόστος; "return"), wandering, xenia (ξενία; "guest-friendship"), testing, and omens. Scholars still reflect on the narrative significance of certain groups in the poem, such as women and slaves, who have a more prominent role in the epic than in many other works of ancient literature. This focus is especially remarkable when considered beside the Iliad, which centres the exploits of soldiers and kings during the Trojan War.

I am pretty sure the symbolism in the game is pretty obvious by this point, but this is just interesting because the vase is not something anyone would EVER see in the game. Its behind a door you can’t open, that never opens, and tucked away in the corner you would never see. But, it is still important for Elijah Kamski as a character. Assumed trials and tribulations, as well as the 10 year gap? Its just too coincidental. But, thats a whole other story honestly, and I don’t really know the most about Greek Mythos to be talking about it right now. 

Some other small things from this weird house that I thought were interesting. Just textures really, but detail. The marks on the cellos may be my favorite because it means they’re being used. Probably played in that chair sitting beside them. 

ALSO THIS? Theres one chair that isn’t pushed in equal with the others. ONE. Its literally like an inch out further than the other 7 chairs. Someone was sitting there recently. 

Now, these are interesting. because they--

--are literal tubes. I’m assuming these are for the androids. Maybe where they go when they aren’t in use or doing something. Or just. Charging? Stations? I don’t know, it could literally be a spawn point for them, but I think they are purposely placed and its interesting to me that they are placed like pedestals in front of the tv. Like he just likes to look at them standing there. Like a weirdo. 

Now we have this door. This door that I thought went somewhere because I didn’t notice it from the outside before but. Nope. It just goes outside. 

So I watched a video recently that was someone looking at $40 million NYC apartments and I realize what this door must be. Its the only way to get fresh air in this bitch. None of the other windows are made to be opened, anywhere in this villa. So, there has to be one. Its just weird to me that its at the far end overlooking the pier. 

I just have a love hate relationship with this place. Its aesthetic, but the aesthetic is modern and weird. This place, what we can see of it, is not a living space. This is an office. What you show off to show how much money you have. I’m curious what this place looks like during the Kamski ending. All dark even though I think all these lights he has on are NEVER turned off. We shall see...

Also when Chloe goes to talk to Elijah she stands at this door and doesn’t move until shes ready again. He’s spawned in the pool by this point. Sure, when she goes to open the door again, she appears a few steps back so she can walk up to it, but my heart wants to believe she was told to just stand there and make them wait LOL. 

There was also a very human reaction from Chloe when Connor appeared to be standing in her way. I had stepped in so Kamski would start swimming and went behind the door to see where Chloe got the robe from (im sure she just pops it out of thin air because its just floating under the house) but she didn’t force him to step aside for some reason, like she has done before. She just... Waited there behind him.  She reached behind her head, rubbed at her neck, motioned like she was impatient like... “God is this guy really going to just stand there and play with a quarter or is he going to move?” She even tapped her hand a couple times against her thigh. It was.... Strange to see.

In conclusion... Is there a conclusion? This is just a collection of things I discovered. If I find something else interesting, I will share. For now, thats all. uwu I went overboard and this is really long but.... I don’t call myself obsessed for nothing........