#where i eat at the cafe and not the staffroom

[straykats]

i am experiencing what some might call Regret

[artificialqueens]

Not Nineteen Forever (2) (Branjie/Scyvie)- Ortega

a/n: first off thank you to everyone who’s liked, reblogged, put something cute in their tags, dm’d or sent feedback to me/to AQ about this! it completely warms my heart and motivates me SO MUCH so thank you. in this chapter Scarlet gets a shock, someone gets a new groupchat nickname, and things are revealed during pres. as always send lovely things here or to my blog @artificialortega, and enjoy the quick updates while i’m still not at work!

Trigger Warning: alcohol. standard procedure xo

Summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree.

***

Scarlet stood in the street, silent, breathing heavily, and absolutely frozen to the spot. She had felt the coin drop from her hand and hit the pavement, but whether that had been seconds ago or minutes ago she couldn’t tell. All that was running through her mind was one single thought, one single number, and no matter how much her eyes darted across the small rectangle of paper it didn’t seem to change.

Five thousand.

She looked again- top left hand corner, top middle, dead middle.

Five thousand.

Scarlet took one deep breath in then held it tightly in her chest before releasing it. Selfishly, she reminded herself that it wasn’t that much money, in the grand scheme of things. Some people would get paid that a month eventually in life. But Scarlet was a student- a philosophy student at that, who wouldn’t get paid shit when she graduated and had absolutely zero job prospects.

Five thousand was big.

She never bought scratchcards. It was a whimsical purchase, along with a granola bar and a bottle of chocolate milk on her way to a lecture, but there was no fucking way that was happening now, not while she had a card in her hand that entitled her to be the proud owner of five thousand whole pounds.

Part of her panicked. Part of her didn’t know what the hell to do with all this money. She completely and utterly was not in any way used to it. She was still thinking and in a complete daze when she walked back into the shop and handed the shopkeeper the card wordlessly. Confused, the man looked at it for a moment then laughed.

“I can’t cash that here,” he chuckled, handing it back to Scarlet. “Can only give you up to one hundred. You need to phone them.”

“Oh,” she laughed, uncomfortable and embarrassed, thanking the man as she took the card and left. Once outside, she turned it over, found the phone number she needed to call, and in a matter of minutes, her NatWest banking app now read: £4985.55 (she had previously been in her overdraft).

So what the hell did she do now?

As if on cue, her phone hummed in her jacket pocket. Bringing it out to look at, she saw the group chat already exploding with messages.

Dave the Laugh: anyone down for lunch near the lib in 5?

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: Yes please. Can we go Liezen?

Kim Kardashian-West: i’m eating the most disappointing sandwich of my life in a staffroom where no other teacher is talking to me! i <3 placement!

Plastique Bague: Nina :(

Plastique Bague: I’d be down for Liezen in 5! Me n Brooke will be there after this lecture

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Biiiiiitch so sad i’m missing this!!!!!! don’t have too much fun without me xo

Scarlet paused for a moment, her thumbs hovering over the phone screen. It would probably make her feel better, going to see the girls, and Yvie would be there too. Her heart gave a little jolt as she typed her own reply.

used Tampon: Can I come too??

There was a small pause in the chat, as if everybody was looking at each other with concern despite all being in separate places. Squeezing her eyes shut, Scarlet tried to push out the spiral of her thoughts to a secret, Scarlet-less group chat the girls had without her. It wasn’t that she felt insecure in her friendship group, it was just that sometimes she felt like the odd one out, that sometimes they were only friends with her for pity, that they secretly joked about her behind her back.

That was insecurity. She’d just defined insecurity.

Sighing, she looked down at her phone again and her heart soared.

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: No sorry it’s a No Scarlet Allowed event xo

Dave the Laugh: Brooke i’m evicting u

Dave the Laugh: ofc u can join, u don’t need to ask bitch!!

Brooke’s comment completely ignored, Scarlet cheerfully made her way through the park that separated all the city’s student-land flats and the main campus, where the cafe they visited so often lay just on the outside of. She didn’t care even if the others hadn’t wanted her to join- Yvie had, and that was what mattered.

Scarlet had a weird relationship with Yvie, different to ones that she had with the rest of her friends. Whenever she saw her, she always felt like she needed to look her best or be acting nonchalant and cool, despite the fact Scarlet couldn’t be either of those things to save herself. If Yvie’s body was having a rough day and was being particularly unkind to her, Scarlet would worry and fuss, and ask Yvie if she needed anything to the point where the other girl sometimes got annoyed at her. She couldn’t help herself- the thought of Yvie being in pain was so horrible to her, cutting through her and making her fret. Sometimes Scarlet felt she couldn’t respond to or take part in any of the friendly shade or roastings that Yvie threw her way, because maybe Yvie would see that as flirting, and that would be weird. They were just friends, after all, Scarlet reminded herself with a nod. It was just…a different type of friendship than the ones she had with the others. But it was still a friendship.

Arriving at the cafe, she scanned the room and found Yvie, Plastique and Brooke Lynn sitting around a booth. Scarlet found her heart giving a jump when she saw the seat next to Yvie was free and she walked towards the table happily, sliding into the free seat and greeting everyone.

“Hey, boo,” Yvie smiled, scooting up so that Scarlet had more room.

“Oh she’s here, guys. We need to stop talking about her now,” Brooke said dryly and sipped her coffee, her tone of voice giving absolutely nothing away. Scarlet’s mouth fell open, confused.

Plastique burst out laughing as Brooke winced in pain, Scarlet feeling the motion of a leg kicking out from beside her.

“She’s fucking with you, Scarlet, don’t worry,” Plastique smiled sweetly, Scarlet grateful for the sympathy. Brooke and Yvie appeared to be locked in an aggressive staring contest, so Scarlet spoke in an effort to break it.

“How’ve your days all been?” she asked lightly, picking up the menu and giving it a flippant scan before deciding she’d order what she always did.

“Boring. I got up and went to the gym, we had a 9am-” Plastique gestured between herself and Brooke. “- and then a tutorial, and now we’re here. We made a really good effort to get some work done in the library though. We spent a whole…what was it, ten? Five minutes in there?”

“Um sorry, I would’ve happily stayed and done work but Miss I-Need-Food-Or-I’ll-Die dragged me out here,” Brooke cast an incredulous glance at her friend. Plastique shrugged.

“Guilty,” she said, before sipping at an orange juice she had in front of her.

“How’s your day been, Scarlet?” Yvie asked, her head leaning on her hand in an effort to face her.

Scarlet considered her options as quickly as she could in the two second time gap she had in which to answer. She could tell the girls about the scratchcard, or she could just…not. As mean as it sounded, she’d heard about people’s friends changing when they’d had a lottery win, and not necessarily for the better. Okay, it was only five thousand (only? ONLY?) but it was still probably more money than any of them had ever had at uni, and Scarlet still didn’t really know what she was going to do with it all. Looking in Yvie’s eyes, she was struck with a pang of guilt for what she was about to say.

“Uh, alright. I got up kinda late. I’m actually supposed to have a lecture just now, but I blew it off. Balsamic tomatoes were calling me,” she shrugged, pleased when both Yvie and Brooke laughed. As the waiter arrived to take their order, Scarlet let out a sigh of relief she didn’t know she’d been holding. She hadn’t known lying would come this easily to her. Well- technically she hadn’t lied. She hadn’t not told them about the scratchcard. She just…happened to omit it from the recount of her day.

As the waiter moved away from their table, the conversation turned to a night out that Vanessa’s flat was apparently hosting pres for this evening. Scarlet felt a pang of envy. She wished she had the sort of flatmates that were all so close and hosted things together, but instead she was stuck in a two bed with a girl she’d found on SpareRooms who inexplicably hated her. She longed to be the flat that everyone would come to for chilled times, like Brooke, Yvie and Nina, or the flat that hosted crazy parties like Vanessa, Silky and Akeria. At the very least, she wished she had Plastique’s excuse to not host anything- her incredibly rich and successful Mum had simply bought her a beautiful flat in the nicest part of town, which she shared with her friend from school. Scarlet’s mouse-infested two bed was a million miles away.

“I don’t know, Yvie, we’ve only got three weeks until showcase,” Brooke sighed, hands around her cup of coffee. Yvie waved a dismissive hand.

“Shut up with these excuses already. Plastique, you’ll come because you can’t stop yourself from drinking anything with an alcohol content higher than 3% and Brooke, you’ll come because it’s Vanjie.”

“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Brooke asked pointedly, fixing her gaze on Yvie. The other girl laughed.

“It means you want to bone,” Yvie explained, scrunching up her face with a laugh as she made a snipping motion with her fingers.

“BOOOOOOONE?!” Plastique impersonated, causing Scarlet and Yvie to burst out laughing.

“Fuck you all. It’s not like that at all,” Brooke rolled her eyes, unamused. Scarlet felt for the girl. In the time she’d been part of the friendship group, she knew that Brooke pined for Vanessa but also that Vanessa crushed on Brooke with exactly the same intensity, Vanessa often confiding things to Scarlet in the Philosophy lectures they were in together. Scarlet had told Yvie all of this, and Yvie, naturally, told Brooke time and time again how much Vanessa liked her, but never told Brooke how she knew (a gesture, Scarlet always thought, that was sweet of her as it protected her from any fallout of Vanessa finding out that Scarlet had told Yvie).

“I think it’s sweet,” Scarlet chimed in, her stomach spasming as Brooke fixed her with an unimpressed gaze. “You know. That you’re waiting to tell her until you’re sure she likes you too. I feel like I would do the same.”

To Scarlet’s relief, Brooke pulled a smug smile and gestured across the table to Scarlet. “See? She knows.”

Yvie frowned at Scarlet, drumming her fingers against the table. “So you would wait as long as she has to tell someone you liked them?”

Scarlet found her words catching in her throat. For some reason, Brooke laughed.

“Girl. Shut up.”

“What?!” Yvie exclaimed. “It’s just interesting!”

“Interesting in what way?” Plastique asked, her face expressionless and a quick knowing look passing between her and Brooke before the waiter arrived with their food (scrambled eggs, avocado and tomatoes with balsamic on sourdough for Scarlet, bacon roll for Yvie, raisin granola with strawberry jam for Plastique and a chocolate and hazelnut croissant for Brooke) and the conversation was forgotten about. The chat then turned into uni moaning, deadline stressing and tutor bitching, something Scarlet was glad about. She’d just completed her first Philosophy essay of the year and she desperately wanted to impress her tutor after achieving good marks last year, so she vented to the girls about her worries.

“None of you will believe the conversation we had with Silky when we were at the pub the other night,” Yvie began, Scarlet already laughing as she’d heard this story before. “So she got this essay back and her tutor gave her like…52 or fifty something, it was a low mark at least. And Silk starts going off like ‘Well! I know it was a good essay! It don’t matter! I’ll just do another one!’. Like…! I had to be like 'Well it kinda does matter, bitch, it’s your whole fucking degree!’”

The girls at the table howled with laughter, glad of a cautionary tale and a distraction from their own performance at uni.

“I worry about Silky sometimes,” Brooke frowned, peeling off a small bit of her croissant and eating it.

“Silky will be fine,” Plastique reassured her through her last mouthful of granola. “At the very least she’ll get a job for a local paper and she’ll get paid to write controversial opinion pieces all day.”

“Ugh, let’s not talk about grad jobs,” Scarlet sighed, the thought of having to find something to do once she finished uni making her heart palpitate. Yvie smiled, reaching out and taking Scarlet’s hand.

“You’ll be fine. It’s these two you’ve gotta worry about.”

“Oh, thanks so much,” Brooke Lynn folded her arms together and narrowed her eyes at her flatmate.

“Well. More Brooke than Plastique. She’s always got the option of living at home and getting spoiled for the rest of her life.”

“Getting suffocated, you mean,” Plastique pouted, leaning back in her seat.

“What are you going to do after you graduate?” Scarlet asked Yvie, at once interested. Yvie tilted her head and thought.

“Forensics. Or actually, I’d quite like to work at a mortuary. Something with dead bodies,” she shrugged, Plastique wrinkling her nose.

“You’re a spooky bitch,” she recoiled, Yvie laughing in that deep, Disney-Villan way that Scarlet secretly loved.

“And what, bitch? And what? Anyway,” she took a sip of her diet coke. “I don’t need to worry about jobs yet. That goes for all of us. We don’t need to think about that shit til January.”

“It’s already October!” Scarlet cried, her eyes wide and fearful. Yvie, she noted, had still not let go of her hand, as she gave it a squeeze and laughed.

“Guys, let’s not be dramatic, we will all be fine,” Brooke shook her head, finishing the last of her croissant. Her comment stung Scarlet a little and she shrank back in her chair, suddenly inhibited and self-conscious.

“Well, this was lovely but we’d better get to the lib,” Plastique shrugged, pulling out her purse. Scarlet had a sudden thought. Maybe the others would start to warm up to her if she took care of the financial aspect of friendship every now and then. A lunch here, a round of drinks there. If she started to show some generosity, then maybe the girls would start to like her more.

“Hey, I’ll treat us!” she smiled, causing all three girls to whip round and stare at Scarlet as if she had sprouted an extra head. She immediately regretted her decision. Was this too suspicious? She gave a fake laugh. “My Mum sent me some money earlier this week and said to treat me and some friends to dinner. It’s not dinner, but it’s close enough?”

To her relief, Brooke and Plastique raised their eyebrows and shrugged. Brooke sent her a warm smile from across the table. “Well lucky us! Thanks, Scarlet. That’s cute.”

Scarlet cast a glance to the girl beside her and saw Yvie looking at her with intrigue, her face deep in thought. Buoyed by Plastique and Brooke’s kindness, she stuck her tongue out at her.

“Well am I going halfers with you, then?”

Yvie relaxed, giving a laugh and pushing Scarlet a little. “Oh my God, no, I’ll take what I can get of course. Thanks, baby.”

Scarlet’s heart gave a little explosion. This was a pet name she hadn’t heard from Yvie before, and she would be lying if she said it didn’t make her skin prickle and her blood feel hot in her veins. She wished she could stop smiling, but found herself unable to.

Scarlet paid and the girls all filed out of the cafe, saying goodbye with tight hugs and cheek kisses and promises to see each other later at the pres that Vanjie was hosting. When Brooke and Plastique said goodbye to her, Scarlet could have sworn their smiles were wider than usual, and she was sure that Yvie had hugged her extra tight. Scarlet was so happy that she headed straight into town, treating herself to a new outfit for the night ahead from a shop she would never usually even set foot into. She was in the changing rooms trying it on when the group chat went off again.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Mine tonight, who’s coming!

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: EXCUSE ME

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: OURS

Kim Kardashian-West: Me!!!!!! #tgif

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: they know wtf i mean

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: sorry i have other plans with more important friends who i don’t live with

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: My God your…so unfunny…it pains me physically

Kim Kardashian-West: *you’re

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: *you’re

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: *YOU’RE

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: IM DYING

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: *you’re

Plastique Bague: i’m coming

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: I’m not coming any mose

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: PLASTIQUE!!!!!! you ruined it lmao

Plastique Bague: fuck u too Brooke

Plastique Bague: oh lol sorry

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Who’s mose.

Kim Kardashian-West: Tell me why I find mose so funny

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: MOSE ADDFGGHLL

Plastique Bague: oh my god mose

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: guys oh my god a bitch makes a typo!!

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: MOSE I CANT BREATHE

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE set the nickname for Brooke Lynn Hytes to mose.

mose: I hate you all so much

Plastique Bague: IM DYING

Kim Kardashian-West: VANJIE AHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: actually fuck this has killed me off

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: VANJIE IM HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK!!!!!! MOSE!!!!!!

Dave the Laugh: mose lmao

Dave the Laugh: anyway i’m coming tonight

Dave the Laugh: Scarlet said she was coming at lunch

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Omg. does this mean we have a full squad?

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: this NEVER happens

mose: I’m still not coming

mose: I’m being cyberbullied

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: you are so coming bitchhhh

Scarlet noted the plethora of heart emojis Vanessa tacked on to the end of her message to Brooke before sending hers, still confident from her lunch with the girls and the short, gold dress she was looking at herself in the mirror in.

used Tampon: I’m coming so we OFFICIALLY have a full squad ladies!!

used Tampon: Well. If mose is coming xo

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: SCARLET HAHAHAHA

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Scarlet i swear that’s the funniest uv ever been

Plastique Bague: Ahahahaha WOOO!! Yaaaas to full squad!!

Kim Kardashian-West: Mose will be there if i have to drag her there!! Yay Scarlet!!!

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: Brooky if u come i’ll give you a big cuddle!

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Anna ou-

mose: I don’t like that threat

mose: See you all later, I’ll be their

Plastique Bague: *there

used Tampon: *there

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: *there

Kim Kardashian-West: *there

mose: FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: *THERE

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: *there assddffghjkkl love u Brooke xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

After a little shopping trip, a nap, a small, solo getting-ready party and absolutely no uni work, Scarlet found herself in a taxi on her way to Vanessa’s flat, fiddling with the hem of her new dress that popped out from under her parka and wondering to herself if it was too short. She had bought the biggest bottle of gin she could find in the supermarket, not thinking twice about dropping £40 on it, and a small half bottle of tequila. Tonight would be a big one if she had anything to do with it. Scarlet was excited- she hated always being that person that had to borrow money for the entry fee, the only person who couldn’t buy drinks for everyone in the club, the person that got bought pity shots because she couldn’t afford a drink. Tonight, things would be different.

She arrived at the girls’ flat and pressed the buzzer, the music from Akeria’s room pouring out of the second-floor window already. Scarlet wasn’t that late- Vanessa had said 9 and it was only half past, but already she could hear the girls upstairs drunkenly singing along to Pitbull. There was suddenly a loud buzz from the intercom and Scarlet found the front door swinging open. She jogged up the stairs, taking them two at a time in her white trainers, and was greeted with a tight hug from Akeria, whose eyes were already considerably glassy. Scarlet was led through to Akeria’s huge, fairy-lights-and-mirrors covered room, where a huge cheer went up from the girls inside at her arrival. Plastique, Nina and Brooke Lynn were all sat on the edge of Akeria’s huge bed, and Silky and Vanessa were on the worn, purple carpet beside them, making a semicircle. Yvie was sat on the small sofa opposite the bed, dressed in a black lace jumpsuit that caused Scarlet’s pulse to race. Smiling and raising up the bottle of gin from her bag, Scarlet laughed as another cheer exploded in the room. She stepped carefully over the dwindling pack of cards that formed a circle around a pint glass full of a liquid that looked absolutely vile, and sat on the sofa beside Yvie, shrugging her jacket off.

“Hey,” Yvie smiled, flipping her septum piercing in and out of her nose absent-mindedly. “You look nice. I like this.”

Scarlet felt her cheeks heat up as Yvie momentarily touched her bare thigh, fiddling with the material at the hem of Scarlet’s dress. Scarlet rolled her shoulders back and flipped some of her hair over one. “Thanks! Just got it today. You look so good!”

“God, this old thing?” Yvie put a hand to her chest and laughed, Scarlet joining in until Akeria squashed herself down on the sofa beside her.

“Thanks for stealing my space,” she said unamused and giving Scarlet a quick once-over with her eyes. “Here, I got you a glass.”

Scarlet thanked her and poured herself out a measure of gin and lemonade which was approximately 40% gin and 60% mixer. She watched as Vanjie pulled out a card from the deck and a huge roar went up from the girls, a King staring back at the girl’s disappointed face.

“Aw, fuck my life!”

“Get it down, girl!” Yvie laughed, delighting in the other girl’s anguish.

“Vanjie, I’ll drink half if you really don’t want to,” came Brooke’s voice, the groans of objection from the other girls almost making Scarlet miss the grateful smile that Vanjie shot Brooke’s way.

“Um, no the fuck you won’t, bitch!” Yvie piped up again, outraged.

“Yeah this ain’t fuckin’ I’m A Celebrity, drink the damn thing!” Silky all but screamed, the girls chanting as Vanjie raised the glass to her lips and tilted it, some of whatever was in it dripping down her chin and spilling onto her black vinyl skirt. In under ten seconds, the glass was empty and the room was cheering, Vanjie giving a triumphant smile and wiping at her mouth with a somewhat flailing arm.

“Okay, next game!” Plastique demanded, thumping her knees.  

“Question game,” Nina said instantly in a monotone voice, some girls cheering and some girls groaning. Scarlet’s heart dropped.

“Noo, please! Last time we played this I got my chat nickname, and it’s fucking horrific.”

“What, when you had to tell everyone that you were the one who left the used tampon in our toilet?” Yvie laughed, and Scarlet felt herself blush to the roots of her hair.

“It wouldn’t flush!! And I wasn’t about to leave it lying at the top of your bin, was I?!” she cried, Yvie laughing and pulling her into her side for a hug. Scarlet supposed the embarrassment was worth it.

“Okay, no tampon-themed questions, guys,” Akeria laughed, the others muttering a laugh around her. “Remember, if you stumble, you answer and drink, if it’s a shit question, you answer and drink-”

“Akeria! We’re in third year! We know how the fuck the game works!” Brooke exclaimed, the other girl narrowing her eyes at her.

“I’m out to get you now, bitch,” she said forebodingly, Yvie “oooooh”-ing spookily beside Scarlet and making her laugh. “Who’s starting?”

“Me!” Silky yelled, and launched into her first question before anyone could object. “Akeria, who was the last person you fucked?”

“Nina, have you ever got with a stranger in the club?” she immediately fired across the room, the other girl’s face dropping in surprise.

“Vanjie, where’s the worst place you’ve had sex?”

“Plastique, would you ever go there with Ariel?” she yelled, her face relaxing in relief that the heat was off her. Plastique, who had been taking a drink at the time, choked, and a chorus of cheers went up as the girls realised she’d have to answer. Scarlet felt for Plastique as a red prickly heat began to spread across her chest and neck.

“I mean,” she began, her voice suddenly quiet. “I guess? Like maybe it would be weird but…whatever. Yes. It’d be fun, and we wouldn’t be awkward about it the next day. And I wouldn’t have to do the walk of shame. I’d just go across the hall to my own room. So it’s convenient.“

“So the fact that she’s hot just doesn’t come into it?” Brooke deadpanned, a bomb of laughter exploding in the room and Brooke receiving an elbow in the ribs for her trouble. Scarlet could relax for the small amount of time the game wasn’t being played. She always lived in terrible fear that someone would bring up the weird sort of relationship that she and Yvie had, and she really didn’t want to have to address it. Finishing her drink, Plastique began again.

“Nina, what’s the biggest dick you’ve ever taken?”

“Brooke, anal: thoughts?”

Brooke laughed as she attempted to get her question out. “Scarlet, have you ever had inappropriate thoughts about someone in this room?”

FUCK. “Akeria, what’s the youngest you’d ever go?”

“Plastique, have you ever done speed?”

“Yvie, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever masturbated with?”

“The hell?” Yvie scrunched up her face and laughed, before moving on quickly. “Brooke, if you could fuck anyone in this room, who would it be?”

Scarlet’s mouth dropped open as she watched Brooke’s face turn white. “Silky, um…uh…oh, fuck! I had one!”

The room descended into chaos as everyone realised Brooke would have to answer the question. Scarlet jumped as she suddenly felt Yvie lean in to her side and whisper in her ear.

“How many times do we have to play this game at pres before Brooke answers with Vanessa? She has to at some point, right?”

Scarlet laughed and sat forward eagerly to hear Brooke’s answer, noticing Vanjie looking at her intently out of the corner of her eye.

“Um…” Brooke began, then laughed and took Nina’s hand. “I’m going to say Nina. Because she would make you a cup of tea afterwards and breakfast in the morning, and really what more would you want?”  

Scarlet didn’t miss the way Vanjie’s smile turned into a fake one and something shut down behind her eyes. With a pang of empathy, she narrowed her eyes at Brooke and shook her head. “Shit answer!”

Brooke and Nina fixed their surprised gazes on Scarlet as the other girls laughed and some of them agreed. Nina raised her eyebrows in mock-offence. “Scarlet, I’m offended! Are you saying I would be a shit fuck!”

Scarlet felt panic rise in her chest. “No, I-”

Nina burst out laughing. “I’m only kidding, you’re right, it was a shit answer.”

Scarlet joined in with the laughter and shouts that filled the room, confidence spiking again. Brooke soon started the game once more. As things progressed, the girls got more and more drunk and more and more loud, and Scarlet’s gin and tequila got passed around the room, everyone appreciative of free alcohol. As they drank more, Scarlet felt herself and Yvie grow closer together on the sofa until she was practically in the other girl’s lap. The only problem was, as everyone drank more, they all became less on the ball with coming up with questions rapidly.

“Akeria, how do you really feel about Silky?”

“Plastique, what’s your net worth?”

“Scarlet, gaaah, have you ever had a sexy dream about someone in this room?”

“Silky, have you ever farted in bed?”

“Oh my God, y'all nasty! Yvie, have you ever fantasised about anyone in this room?”

“Nina, where was the last time that you…I mean, when was the last place…god damn it!” Yvie exclaimed, jeers filling the room as Yvie blushed uncharacteristically. Scarlet’s interest was piqued. With a small jab of annoyance, she’d wished that Silky had asked who Yvie had fantasised about, but then she’d maybe get an answer she didn’t want to hear.

“Um. Yeah. Obviously! I mean, haven’t we all?” Yvie shrugged, trying to play the question off casually. Scarlet felt her heart speed up in her chest. Akeria raised an eyebrow and leaned back against the arm of the sofa.

“Haven’t we all imagined ourselves in a sexual situation with one of our friends? I don’t think you’re gonna like the answer to that,” she chuckled, Plastique howling with laughter.

“Unless your name’s Brooke or Vanessa,” Yvie shrugged, the girls all descending into screeches of laughter, Silky’s being the loudest as she got up from the floor and started jumping on an unimpressed Akeria’s bed. Scarlet looked at Brooke, who was eyeing Yvie darkly with a tight smile on her face. Yvie cleared her throat beside Scarlet, her eyes expressing regret as if she’d gone too far. Changing the subject, she asked the next question. “Uh, Akeria, what’s your body count?”

“Nina, what’s going on with you and Monet from your course?”

“Ah, oh, um,” Nina began, flustered. She shut her eyes tightly. “Brooke, what’s the dirtiest text you’ve ever sent?”

“Plastique, how many nudes have you sent?”

“Vanjie, who’s the most fuckable person in this room?”

Vanjie screwed up her face and gestured in disbelief. “Shit question, bitch.”

Shouts of objection filled the room. Vanessa put her hands out in front of herself in protest.

“Now, now, now, wait a damn minute! It’s only shit because there’s an obvious answer,” she shrugged, taking a sip of Scarlet’s gin that she’d mixed with her Fanta. As everybody waited with baited breath, she rolled her eyes. “Brooke Lynn. Duh.”

As if it was Wembley Stadium at full time, the room exploded with cheers and roars, and Scarlet doubled over giggling. Brooke was laughing but her face had gone beetroot red, and Vanjie was smiling, pleased she’d elicited such a reaction. Scarlet felt herself fall into Yvie’s side as she laughed. This was great! She was having such a good time!  

There was a sudden three bangs on the front door out in the hall, silencing the room and making Scarlet jump. Many of the girls giggled anxiously as Akeria threw her hands up and shook her head.

“Nope! No, I got the last three, I am not getting this one as well.”

“Bitch! Lemme at ‘em,” Silky exclaimed, getting up from her position on the floor. There was silence in which some of the girls (mostly Plastique) made inappropriate comments to try and get everyone to laugh, while they listened through the door to Silky, Vanessa and Akeria’s upstairs neighbour rant and rave about how he had work in the morning, and how this was the fourth time in two weeks, and how next time it would be the police that would get called. As she giggled, Scarlet felt Yvie take her hand and squeeze it, the other girl laughing evilly under her breath and making her laugh even more.

Fuck. Scarlet was beginning to realise her friendship with Yvie wasn’t strictly a friendship anymore.

The bang from the front door caused everyone to jump, and Silky was back in the room almost as quickly as she’d left.

“RIGHT bitches, c’mon, you heard the man, drink up, move, move, move!”

And with that, Scarlet tugged Yvie up from her position on the sofa, ready for the night that lay ahead and all the regrets and consequences that could accompany it.

[drtanstravels]

I was born on August 30, 1979 and according to statistics, the average life expectancy for an Australian born at that time was 74 years, with 70.56 years for males and 77.62 years for women:

Things are looking brighter for people born in this day and age with males looking at reaching 80.4 years of age and women living to be 84.6, but no matter how you look at it, even with the advances in modern medicine, it’s safe to say that at 39 years old, I’m now technically middle-aged and I’d simply have to be in denial to not be able to accept this fact. The real issue is whether I’m in the grips of a midlife crisis as I have made quite a few lifestyle changes that really only men grappling with what I like to call “manopause” tend to make when they reach my age. No, I haven’t purchased a sports car, I don’t flirt with women 20 years younger than me, and I haven’t started taking Metamucil (how could I not make that link orange?), but I have:

Britney feels my pain

Joined a gym — My neurologist told me a few years ago that I probably should lose some weight. I started using a calorie counter and eating healthier and over a period of about four years I managed to lose roughly 15kg (33lb). He’s happy with my weight loss, I now have a healthy BMI again, however, I set myself a weight goal, but my weight loss stagnated and I couldn’t get past a certain point and reach my target. My neurologist also told me I need to get more exercise, which makes sense as I do like to walk everywhere, but when you work from home like I do there are days where you are almost completely sedentary besides the occasional dog walk. I figured a little extra exercise might reduce my seizures, get me to shed those extra couple of kilograms I’ve been trying to ditch, and may also be able to help remedy my sleeping problems and seemingly constant lower back pain so there was really no reason not to start going to the gym. Besides, it did help a bit when I was going to one when we lived in New York. In the three or four months since I joined, I’ve lost an additional 4kg (8.8lb) doing cardio work and went over two months without having a seizure. My back pain was a lot better too, until I pulled a muscle in my lower back when I did eventually have a seizure again.

Started eating healthier — This one I started doing when I first got told by the neurologist that I should lose a bit of weight. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, but now my epilepsy medication causes weight gain and I’m not playing any sport anymore. I mentioned the calorie counter earlier, but I know people who work out and then go to KFC afterward, making the exercise seem kind of redundant so I’ve been taking what I eat, especially for lunch, a little more seriously. Most days I’ll just have either a litre (33.8 fl. oz.) of home made fruit and vegetable juice of I’ll get some sashimi and sushi. But also, quite often I go to a place called Little Farms, a small cafe and grocery store in the mall below the gym, and get a salad or chicken with wild rice, something like that to take away, but some things aren’t always available, life doesn’t always go as you’d expect, and Anna will never let me live this one down so I may as well give you the details: A TV show I have always loved is The Young Ones, the storyline described on IMDB as:

Four mis-matched university students share a house in North London: Neil, the hippy; Mike, the cool person; Rick, a would-be anarchist studying sociology; and Vyvyan, the punk medical student who is prone to extreme violence. Together with their bastard Russian landlord, the world of these “bachelor boys” is surreal and violent, but ultimately hilarious.

Neil (left), is a vegetarian and always gets forced to cook for all of his housemates, which generally turns out to be lentils. Now, I had never eaten a lentil before until a few weeks ago and I don’t think I will bother eating them again, either. It was kind of late when I got to the gym that day so when I finished there wasn’t a whole lot to choose from for lunch at Little Farms, yet I couldn’t be bothered going anywhere else so I opted for the lentils with cauliflower and broccolini. I definitely cashed in my man-card that day. Anna came home to see me shovelling spoonful after spoonful into my mouth out of my box of tasteless misery-sand. In what was similar to a moment out of Peep Show, Anna asked me what I was eating, to which I answered that it was lentils. She laughed and said “Wow, you must be really enjoying them!” However, nothing could be further from the truth. “No, I just shut my eyes, put as much in my mouth and swallow, but whenever I look back at the box it seems like there’s still the same amount left,” I said in defeat. Anyone that reads this blog regularly knows that I will try eating anything at least once, but I don’t think I’ll have lentils again to see if I was mistaken and I doubt Anna will ever let me forget that I tried them in the first place.

Started using anti-hairfall shampoo — Since I’ve been exercising more, I’ve obviously been sweating a lot more too and in the Singapore climate that isn’t a good thing, especially for your hair. Due to this, I was getting kind of gross things growing on my scalp so I opted for Head & Shoulders. Hey, if it’s good enough for Sofía Vergara, it’s good enough for me, but I instinctively bought the anti-hairfall variety. I’m not losing my hair, I mean, sure, I’ve got car parks, but not at a Phil Collins level yet, however, there is no point closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

These three main points, and probably several others if I put my mind to it, definitely point to being on the cusp of a midlife crisis, but I haven’t sold out completely. I still love beer and meeting up with friends for a drink and my birthday just so happened to land on the first day of Beerfest Asia:

If I have to…

Sure, the Beerfest website for 2018 looks like it was designed by the same people who made Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (couldn’t resist the colours again), but it’s the event, not the page that counts. So how do the organisers describe Beerfest Asia? Like This:

Beerfest Asia Pte Ltd is co-owned by lifestyle company, Timbre Group and Sphere Exhibits. Beerfest Asia Pte Ltd is set up to initiate and spearhead the beginnings of the only and largest beer festival in Southeast Asia. The idea behind Beerfest is the experimentation process of finding and enjoying beers that consumers may never, otherwise encounter locally. It is also a trade event for industry colleagues to exchange dialogue and promote their products. With plans to grow the festival in the region, Beerfest Asia Pte Ltd is committed to develop the festival to become the premier beer marketplace in Asia. 2018 marks the 10th edition of the festival.

Okay, that makes it seem a little wanky, but to me it is a chance to try a bunch of new beers and this year there were apparently over 600 different beers available. This obviously wasn’t our first time at Beerfest, not by a long shot. In fact, we go almost every year:

With Liam Collins at Beerfest 2011

At Beerfest 2012

With an angry German guy at Beerfest 2013

With Rik Mayall at Beerfest 2014

Drinking out of bags with Anna and Elaine Ang at Beerfest 2017

It turns out that those are the only five occasions where I’ve taken photos at Beerfest or at least haven’t drunkenly deleted them, but if we’re in Singapore and Beerfest is on, I’m there. I went to the first six Beerfests, but we were overseas in 2015 and 2016, but haven’t missed one since then. Also, if you look at the photos from 2013 and 2014, you’ll notice a pattern — I’m wearing a horrendous lederhosen t-shirt and there is a reason for that. I wore it as a joke to Beerfest several times prior to those pictures, but in 2013 some German guy (above, in the real lederhosen) initially found my t-shirt offensive and wanted to fight me, but eventually came around so I’ve made it a point to wear my lederhosen t-shirt to the Saturday session of Beerfest ever since. The irony of the situation was that I bought that t-shirt when we went to Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany in 2010! I had wanted to get real lederhosen there, but they’re really expensive. You can get secondhand ones, but who knows what type of rash you’d get from secondhand leather shorts, plus, they’re still really expensive, so I just bought the t-shirt and a cheap hat, but Anna still bought a real dirndl that year:

Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany, 2010

Anyway, most years at Beerfest are quite fun, but the 2017 event had been a bit of a letdown; It was held in a convention centre, there wasn’t much of an outdoor area, just a T-shaped arena of tables with a stage at each end with cover bands playing. I remember walking from one section to another to buy a beer and both bands I had passed had been playing Karma Police by Radiohead at the exact same time! This year’s Beerfest was at a new location, near Gardens by the Bay, so hopefully that would be an improvement on the previous year, but there was one thing that was certain to suck — The entertainment consisted of cover bands of two of my most hated groups, Coldplay and U2. Only time would tell how this one would pan out…

Thursday, August 30, 2018 Thursday started out like any other day; I got up, made a cup of coffee, and scrolled through Facebook while watching CNN. I also saw that I had a couple of new WhatsApp messages from Anna:

Oh yeah, that’s right, it was my birthday. I honestly couldn’t care less about my birthday if I tried and I generally tend to forget it when it arrives, as I had again this year. In fact, one year when I was still teaching at GEOS I arrived at work and there was a birthday cake on the counter in the staffroom. I nonchalantly asked Kristina, the then head teacher, whose birthday it was. “Haha, very funny,” was her sarcastic reply until she realised I was deadly serious. “It’s yours,” she then said in the most deadpan manor. Oh, cool, free cake. Thank you. Anyway, for some reason people had been randomly wishing me a happy birthday for the previous two weeks, but the day was now here, however, there wouldn’t be any cake this year, although Anna did consider getting me a sushi cake, but you have to order them ahead of time. Instead, I went to the gym for an hour or so and then Anna messaged me to meet up with her for lunch in Chinatown. When I arrived she pointed out that the t-shirt I was wearing was enormous, one that once fit perfectly that I used to wear all the time, but since I’ve lost weight now swims on me, giving me the appearance of a Juggalo who hasn’t put his face on yet. We eventually stumbled upon The Populus, a cafe with some great coffee and some pretty decent food and that was lunch sorted. Anna went home to continue some work she had to do so I walked around the corner to one of my favourite music store, Hear Records, to pick myself up some birthday presents. As I have mentioned before, I also have a weird situation where I share my birthday with my father-in-law. We met up with them on the previous Sunday for an early birthday dinner, but Anna’s mother was messaging us to see if we wanted to go for the launch of a book written by one of Anna’s cousins called Crippled Immortals, an event that was happening at Books Actually, a great little bookstore just behind where we live. We were unable to Attend because Anna had to go to dinner with some colleagues and then it was on to Beerfest!

The plan was to meet up with a couple of Anna’s friends, Elaine and Kamei, and another friend of ours, Yarny, would meet us there later. We arrived, got us some beer credits due to them not accepting cash, and then we were in, eventually meeting up with Kamei and Elaine. The layout this year consisted of three main tents and some outdoor seating:

Fortunately, it wasn’t too busy so we made our way up to the Hilltop Arena, grabbed some complimentary welcome beers and then had a look around. There was a stall selling Korean liver snacks so we bought a pack and that allowed us to have a go at shooting darts at a target to win credits. The girls insisted I do it and I apparently shot quite well, winning us an extra few bags. We pulled up a seat, ate our snacks and drank our beers, but soon I needed another so I had a look around and stumbled upon Canadian Craft Beer, owned and run by Scott Scheuerman, a former colleague of mine at GEOS back in the day. I had seen him working there previous years, but completely forgot about his company until I ran into him again. It was great having a chat and would definitely be seeing a bit more of him over the coming days.

“Beer Syrup.” Sounds legit…

There was a cover band on in the Hillside Arena that weren’t too bad, just playing a variety of stuff, but we also wanted to see what else was available so we went down to the East Arena, Yarny messaging me almost upon arrival to ask where we were. I found her and then we grabbed more beers and some food from the stalls within. Most Asian beers are pretty good, although you can find some terrible things like the Chinese one our friends, Tom and Leonie, found in a restaurant over here recently (right), but there was a ton of great regional stuff available including a rauchbeir from Hong Kong called Oh, Bacon that genuinely smelled like ham, another that was legitimately like drinking mango sticky rice, as well as some awesome European beers like the unexpectedly great ones from Lithuania that I found. But of course, the girls’ favourite brewery was one at my expense, Gweilo. Why “Gweilo” I hear you ask? Well, here’s the definition:

gweilo

(n.) vaguely pejorative Cantonese slang for foreigner. Translations differ depending on who you ask. Apparently it was once meant to mean “foreign devil” (an extreme insult), but usually these days is said to mean “ghost man” due to white foreigner’s pale skin and is used as a general term to mean foreigner. Gweilos get upset about being called this. Chinese think it’s no big deal.

I think it’s no big deal either and besides, this brewery was started by a couple of British guys living in Hong Kong. In fact, when we first moved to Tiong Bahru, Singapore nearly 11 years ago, I was one of the only white guys in the entire neighbourhood. Fast-forward to 2018, the area has been gentrified and now Anna is almost the minority. When they were building a massive apartment block across the road from my local pub, Coq & Balls, Anna and I came to the conclusion that they should also build a giant Jebediah Springfield-style statue of me looking over the area with simply O.G. engraved in the base — “Original Gweilo.” Anyway, it was soon time to check out the final tent, the West Arena, and as soon as we entered I knew we wouldn’t be leaving there unless it was to go home. Why? Because it was the only one with air conditioning and if you’ve ever spent time with a group of Singaporean women on their home turf, they will sacrifice anything to be in aircon. Although being a Thursday night had meant the festival as a whole hadn’t been too busy, this tent was packed, but we still managed to find seats, thanks mainly to four of our posse lacking a ‘Y’ chromosome. It was really loud and we couldn’t hear ourselves speak, but we still made it work. Then my worst fear came true; Viva Coldplay, a Coldplay tribute band hit the stage and they were worse than expected, but it was funny watching some drunk local guys trying to look gangster while singing along with f___ing Coldplay! Anyway, we still had some fun, but soon it was time to leave so we all jumped in line for the porta-loos, then caught a cab home. Some scenes from the night:

Gameface on while shooting for snacks in my Steve Buscemi shirt

The rauchbier

That pretty much applies to all beers

One of the Lithuanian IPAs

The O.G.

A special beer in honour of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un’s visit to Singapore in June

A sticker I received with mine

Chatting with Anna

Who needs to be told not to drink the water out of a porta-potty?!?

Friday, August 31, 2018 Friday was just a regular Friday for me. I took it easy during the day, Anna had organised a leadership training seminar and training day for work so after that she had dinner with some of the people involved, followed by going out for some drinks with them. That just meant I did my usual Friday night thing; went down to Coq & Balls and hung out with my drinking buddies, Anna joining us later on. Several of these guys were planning to join me at Beerfest the following day, Yarny even going to the extent of buying multiple She-Pees in order to make the toilet situation a little less traumatic for herself, Anna, and any other female friends that were to be in attendance.

Saturday, September 1, 2018 Saturday was here, the day that Anna, Myself, and a bunch of other friends were going to head down to Beerfest for some day-drinking and associated mischief, however, there was one small problem — It had been pissing down raining nearly all morning and early afternoon. A lot of people in Southeast Asia have unique reactions to rain. Many people from the Philippines, for example, have a strange conviction where they believe that if they get even slightly wet from the rain, they will get sick, absolutely no exceptions. Singaporeans, on the other hand, must think they are soluble because they lose their minds at the slightest hint of rain, possibly believing they will dissolve like a bath bomb if a single drop comes into contact with them! It can actually be quite amusing, especially during the torrential downpours in monsoon season when you see people who have forgotten their umbrellas try to cover their head with a tissue, only to have it diffuse into their hair, or the one person I saw who tried holding his bus ticket over his head! I have even seen letters written into the newspaper complaining that there are too may puddles when it rains! Maybe that was why when I walked down to Tiong Bahru Plaza to buy some lunch, it was the duty of an elderly cleaner to stand outside with a small brush and dustpan and try to sweep up the puddles… While it was still pouring!

Translation (German): “Same Table: Here sit those who always sit here.”

Anyhow, Beerfest was beginning at 3:00pm, but Anna was entertaining hospital guests at The Esplanade and would meet me there later. I streamed a couple of episodes of Maury until I heard from the others. For those of you that know the Coq & Balls “Stammtisch” crew over here, Yarny had decided to pull the pin because she was too hungover from the previous night, Leonie wouldn’t be able to make it either, but Tom, Simon, and Felix were coming, and TJ and a friend from Vancouver, Canada would be there are little later, so the She-Pees were kind of a waste of cash on Yarny’s behalf. To make things a little more interesting, Felix’s family are Bavarian so he was going to be resplendent in his traditional lederhosen, while I would be sticking with my own personal tradition and attending Saturday night at Beerfest in my lederhosen t-shirt. When I found out the others were on their way, I donned my outfit, jumped in a cab and headed to Beerfest for what I was expecting to be a fun afternoon, evening, and night. Tom, Simon, and Felix arrived, we grabbed our welcome drinks, had a look around the tents and ultimately opted for the outdoor seating at the Hilltop Arena. Although it was still daylight, there was definitely a completely different atmosphere to when Anna and myself were there on Thursday night. To begin with, it was exceptionally wet and muddy from all of the rain and everywhere we went we just got splashed by mud, I was so glad I didn’t wear thongs like I initially planned. Also, the general ambience of the event was completely different; Sure, Saturday was always going to be busier, we knew all along that we’d have to accept that fact, but people were also out to get hammered! In the first few minutes of being there I had walked past two different girls who were already crying and, as time passed, we watched as some of the locals’ complexions went more and more red with the more they drank. Another factor that doesn’t constitute a day-drinking environment is loud techno music playing in the background, Saturday afternoon beers are generally intended to begin as a low-key affair with a bit of bluesy-rock, potentially building up to something louder later on, but not blasting at 5:00pm. Still, we soldiered on. The four of us sat around our table drinking beers, eating some great char siew, and just chewing the fat when TJ and his friend made a brief appearance, disappearing to take a look around not long after, not to reemerge at Beerfest again. By now it was dark, it was still over 30°C (86°F) and extremely humid because of the storm earlier. Felix was sweating profusely through his shirt, soon discovering that authentic lederhosen are more conducive to an Alpine environment, as opposed to our equatorial one, and he was also having a little trouble with one of the already faulty buckles, which ultimately broke. Never fear, Felix turned out to be something of a German pants MacGyver and had the situation covered. We were now sharing our table with a group of extremely shy younger girls who had refused to even look in our direction after coyly asking if the seats were taken, but Felix saw that they had something he needed; the girls had finished eating satay skewers and if he could get his hands on one of those old sticks, his buckle dilemma would be sorted. “Excuse me, ladies, could I have one of your sticks?”, he inquired. One of the girls nervously replied that they were dirty, but Felix wasn’t swayed. “They’re for fixing lederhosen, they’re supposed to be dirty.” The girls passed their plate of used skewers over, a shared disgusted expression on all of their faces, and Felix got to work repairing his buckle and maintaining his dignity.

The mud, crowd, sweat, and horrible backing soundtrack that was not dissimilar to that of a construction site were getting to all of us, but then things got worse — Viva Coldplay, the Coldplay tribute act, started playing loudly in the Hilltop tent right next to where we were sitting. I am biased because I can’t stand Coldplay, but these guys are seriously shit! The vocalist can’t sing and the entire act sounds like something you might hear come runner up in a high school talent show in a small country town or maybe playing a junior rock eisteddfod, not Asia’s premier beer festival. Admittedly, they covered up the sound of the techno, but they were unbearable and we could now barely even speak to each other. It was official, Viva Coldplay were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everyone decided to use up their remaining credits, drink what they got in return as quickly as possible, and head to Coq & Balls, however, for me there was just one problem; Anna was in the general vicinity of Beerfest for her work function and said she wouldn’t be too much longer, plus she had a ticket so I opted to stay. I mentioned earlier that my lederhosen t-shirt really pissed off a German guy back at Beerfest 2013, but I never anticipated that same shirt transforming into sexual dynamite in a mere five years. I had women coming at me from all angles, asking about the shirt, where I got it, giggling and saying how cute it was. The crowd was really deep now, so I had to line up for while at beer and food stalls. I got in line to buy some skewers and struck up a conversation with the people behind me, an American guy and his Australian girlfriend. They were talking to me about the shirt, laughing, and when my food came they insisted they pay for it! I thanked them, offered them some of what I was eating, but they refused. Next, I lined up for a beer at a nearby stall and when I tried to pay, the American guy working there said, “Dude, you’re not paying for anything with that shirt! And you’re not lining up anymore, either.” Looks like hassle-free beers are on the house for the night. Between the guys leaving for Coq & Balls and Anna’s arrival, there was about an hour of just random people, mainly attractive women far out of my league, approaching me about the shirt, like it was attached to some kind of oestrogen conduit. Anna eventually arrived and I explained to her the powers of the shirt, stating that if I were single, I wouldn’t be anymore, however, she had her doubts. Her skepticism was immediately quelled when I walked over to get beers for the both of us and was immediately approached by a guy and a group of girls on the way to the stall and then by an extremely attractive German girl on the way back, all wanting to know more about the shirt. We couldn’t find a seat so we stood around, drinking and laughing about the power of my lederhosen t-shirt, and I told her that everyone else had left. Anna said that she wasn’t really feeling up to sticking around, plus she had to work again in the morning. I was fine with leaving too, but the only problem was how I would cash in my remaining credits if nobody would let me pay for anything! We decided to spend the credits at Scott’s Canadian Craft Beers stall, asking him not to open the drinks, and just stuffed them all into Anna’s handbag. We caught a cab home, she just wanted to watch a bit of TV and then go to bed, but she insisted I join my friends at the pub so in order to keep the peace, I did what she said, it’s just easier that way. A quick look at Saturday night at Beerfest:

Felix’s buckle dilemma

The master at work

Sorted!

TJ and his Canadian buddy whose name I can’t recall

Give in, ladies… Give in to your urges…

Sunday, September 2, 2018 Sunday was not a standout Sunday for Anna or myself, but that rule didn’t apply to everyone. We just had lunch with a few people that were in town for Anna’s seminar from Australia, Korea, and Taiwan. So, why am I writing about Sunday? Because it was a big day for Yarny. This story begins a couple of weeks ago when I accidentally let the cat out of the bag. The machine I use at the gym has a TV on it and I was watching Wheel of Fortune while I was exercising and they showed an advertisement for MasterChef: Singapore. Normally I wouldn’t take any notice, but there was a familiar face that popped up a few times so I messaged the Stammtisch group and asked if Yarny was going to be a contestant on MasterChef. She replied that she had made it to the Top 18, but hadn’t really told anyone yet. She later posted her MasterChef profile from the Channel 5 Facebook page which read:

I had no idea that was her real name

Meet Weiyan!

The 30-year-old specialises in sensory neuroscience and neuroeconomics, and has worked in the science industry for 7 years. Both her parents were hawkers – hence her love for all things Asian and local cuisine!

Now that I had blown her cover and it was common knowledge, Yarny had decided to invite everyone down to Coq & Balls to watch the first episode. I think most of our friends went down, but Anna and myself were too tired and just watched it from home, watching Yarny do her thing in the kitchen, a passion of hers we didn’t really know anything about, and sending sarcastic messages to the group.

The subtitles read: “I am so tired”

Unfortunately, Yarny didn’t make it to the Top 10, but considering that she was rather hungover on the day of filming and had to do her own hair and makeup in the back of a taxi en route to the filming at Chijmes, I think she did a pretty damn good job!

Anyway, I had a great 39th birthday, had a blast at Beerfest on the Thursday, an okay, albeit amusing time there on Saturday, and will more than likely be there again next year if we’re in town. Thanks everyone for all of the birthday messages and phone calls, I really appreciated them. Also, a big congratulations to Yarny on her MasterChef: Singapore appearance. Now I’ve got to walk Anna’s luggage down to the Singapore National Eye Centre as she has to fly straight from work to Hanoi, Vietnam to give a presentation. I’ll be flying to Hangzhou, China tomorrow where she’ll meet me later that day for her conference, then we’ll fly back to Singapore on Saturday night. We’ll only be back a few days, then we’re off again on the Wednesday to Austria for four days and six days in Turkey so it may be a while until you hear from me again. Prost!

          My 39th birthday just happened to coincide with Beerfest Asia 2018. I guess I'd just have to accept it and move on with my life. I was born on August 30, 1979 and according to statistics, the average life expectancy for an Australian born at that time was 74 years, with 70.56 years for males and 77.62 years for women:

[straykats]

i am experiencing what some might call Regret