#whenever their parents have cameos i high key felt like tearing up
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i did not know 1D lore was so interesting
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walkin’ in time ▫ sangyeon
➳ pairing: single dad!sangyeon x female kindergarten teacher!reader
➳ genre: fluff, angst, single dad!au, kindergarten teacher!au
➳ warnings: mentions of divorce
➳ word count: 11.6k
➳ fic playlist: walkin’ in time - the boyz | run away - txt | memories - sabai | full of life - fairlane | 8 letters - why don’t we | this feeling - the chainsmokers ft. kelsea ballerini | red - taylor swift
➳ special thanks: @fullsunsays for helping me to proofread and offering her invaluable opinions when this fic was still halfway done + @ateez-little-star who i have cameoed in this fic for being such a sweet mutual and a lovely friend of mine here on tumblr!
a/n : only semi edited!
“Goodbye, Miss y/n!”
You flashed Sungchan a warm smile despite the tired look in your eyes and your less-than-presentable appearance with your messy, tousled hair and paint splattered clothes from a long day at the kindergarten. The boy flashed a toothy grin at you as he held onto his mother’s hand, tottering away cheerfully and at the corner of your eye, you caught Chanhee looking at you with admiration in his expression.
“Wow, the kids sure do like you a lot. Much more than the rest of us for sure.”
You felt your cheeks grow hot at the compliment as you lowered your head shyly. You are not one to be used to receiving compliments but ever since you started your job here at Sunny Hearts Kindergarten, it seemed as if everyone had nothing but praise for your performance - both parents, fellow teachers and students alike. Since you were a high schooler, you had always known that you loved working with children. There was just something about the little ones with their bright smiles and lively mannerisms that warmed your heart. To be able to be in a job that allowed you to light up the lives of the future generation and possibly make an everlasting impact in their educational journey, it all felt extremely exciting to you.
“Thanks, Chanhee.” You said softly, a sweet smile gracing your face. Just then, you became briefly aware of a presence lingering behind you and you swivelled around to see Jeno, a doe-eyed boy from your art class. Instantly, you could tell that there was something wrong. His eyes were red and you could tell that the polo tee he wore was tear-stained and you could vaguely hear light sniffling from him. He tugged nervously at your skirt and you knelt down until you were level with him.
“Hey buddy, why are you crying?” You asked in a concerned voice, ruffling his soft hair lightly.
He lifted his head tentatively, peering at you from beneath his eyelashes where a stray teardrop hung and you very gently rubbed it away as he remained silent as though he was too shy or upset to speak. Looking around, Jeno’s eyes swept the room and you realised what was going on. The lobby was almost empty by now with all the cubicles for the children’s bags all emptied and shoes from the shoe cabinet all gone. The sky was darkening with every second as a low, eerie rumbling sound came with a looming patch of dark clouds. The familiar sounds of chatters and laughter had completely disappeared by now only to be replaced by a lonely, deafening silence. With a backpack that was clearly too large for him, Jeno’s shoulders were slumped over and his expression drooped sadly, causing your heart to ache for him.
“It’s ok, your daddy will be here really soon! He’s probably just busy but he’ll be here.” You coaxed, holding and rubbing his tiny hands in yours and feeling the tension dissipate slightly from his being.
Beside you, Chanhee shook his head in disapproval, tutting.
“The man is always late.”
You didn’t say anything in return as you bite down on your lower lip, unsure of what to say. You knew that Jeno’s father was a busy man and the times you had actually been able to meet him in person, he looked exactly like a man overworked in his office job. Lee Sangyeon was almost always late to any parent teacher meeting or closing time, sometimes even entirely failing to show up as evident from the times when Jeno’s grandmother showed up instead. The few times you had seen him, he had bags under his eyes and had an unkempt appearance with a mangled tie and wrinkled office shirt almost every single time. As a single father, it was obvious to everyone how hard he worked just by the way he looked so deeply exhausted yet so alert for the next call from his office. There had been quite a number of times when Sangyeon had had to excuse himself just to take a call in the middle of fetching Jeno.
Although you try to keep your work separate from your personal feelings, you had to admit that many times, you had felt your heart beat just a tad too quickly whenever you did see Sangyeon. From the way his smile would grow wider and the way his eyes lit up whenever he came to pick up his son on the few occasions he did, anyone could tell he loved and adored his son very much. It was the sort of look you saw on a man that would do simply anything for his child. With his dashing good looks and the air of a mature, responsible working man, Sangyeon was also quite easily sometimes the subject of gossip among the mothers though he did not seem to have noticed it. You didn’t blame them, you too found him deeply attractive. If anything, the years did a good number on him.
You swallowed thickly.
You never told anyone at work about this but you had known Sangyeon back in high school when he was a senior and you, a freshman. Even back then, he had his good looks and was easily one of the most popular boys in school with his exceptional talent in the sport of volleyball and stellar grades. In a way, he felt almost untouchable and so deeply out of reach to everyone besides his own group of friends. That cheerful smile of his would light up any classroom and field he walked into and both the student body and teaching staff alike adored him for him. The boys used to want to hang out with him while the girls used to send him love letters every other day. You on the hand, kept mostly to yourself. With very little friends, life in high school was quiet and uneventful yet you would never forget the way Sangyeon made you feel. He was after all your very first love… As much as you hated to admit it.
You gritted your teeth at the memory. No, it won’t do to bring up past grievances.
All you could be thankful for was that since Sangyeon was a couple years older than you were, it meant that he had graduated earlier than you did. Not seeing his face around school was probably the better part of your high school years. With how busy school was, it wasn’t very long before you found yourself pushing him out of your mind but somehow at the back of your mind, you knew he always did claim a part of your heart for himself… Even as those memories continued to linger as well.
So imagine your shock when you first saw him a little over a year ago at the gates of the kindergarten you worked at. It felt weird seeing him again but at the same time, you could stop the warm, soft feeling of excitement coursing through your veins. It was like clockwork, the same sensations you felt all those years ago coming back - the fast pounding of your heart and the growing heat in your cheeks. Yet right after, there was that sense of dread that came back stronger than ever, sort of like a bad aftertaste. With the good memories, also came the bad memories from back then and just seeing him in the flesh after so many years was enough to break open the dam and allow these memories to come rushing back. Tried as you might to block them out, it wasn’t easy but you managed to keep your personal feelings at bay.
When you found out later that he was divorced, you couldn’t help but feel a jolt of happiness in you which you quickly stifled, shocked at yourself. Somehow it felt wrong to still harbour feelings for him but you tried your best to convince yourself that those were just because of your memories from high school. You probably don’t actually still have feelings for him… Or do you?
Shaking your head, you decided you weren’t going to think about it despite the growing anticipation in your heart as you turned your attention back to little Jeno. It wasn’t like Sangyeon remembered you anyways - He didn’t mention a single thing when the two of you met.
Quickly, you reached into your back pocket and drew out a toffee candy. You always had some at hand, both as a snack and for cheering up the children whenever they were upset. It worked almost instantaneously and you watched as Jeno lit up, his cheeks turning rosier by the second as he smiled brightly at you before grabbing the sweet. Maybe it wasn’t really a good thing, to always cheer your students up with sweets since it could cause cavities but you knew Jeno loved them and he looked so sad that you just couldn’t bear to leave him be.
“Hey, y/n?”
“Yeah?” You turned to Chanhee and immediately frowned when you saw the expression on his face. “What is it?”
Chanhee shuffled uncomfortably on his feet, his hands fiddling with the keys as he cast you a sheepish look. In his other hand, he held his phone and as he waved it awkwardly at you, you could only sigh in resignation.
“Your wife?”
Chanhee’s face grew slightly pink as he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, his eyes looking everywhere but you.
“Y-yeah… Duty calls. She’s forgotten her keys again so I have to go home and open it for her.”
You peered outside at the darkening sky and little Jeno perched comfortably on the stool, sucking lightly at the toffee sweet in his mouth as he watched with a child-like interest at an ant trailing across the floor. Glancing at the clock, you decided maybe this week’s episode of ‘The Stealer House’ (which was your all time favourite show) could wait. After all, you could always ask for updates from your best friend, Jasmine.
“Alright. Go on, I’ll lock up.” You smiled, extending your hand.
“Thanks, y/n! You’re a lifesaver! Coffee. On me. Tomorrow. I’ll see you!” Chanhee said gratefully, slinging on his messenger bag before making a beeline for his car.
As Chanhee drove off, you and Jeno could only sit and watch as the first drops of the evening rain began to fall upon the earth in soft pattering sounds. You sighed deeply. The rainy season was here. Over the past few weeks, there have been downpours after downpours. At first, they happened on alternate days before it became more and more frequent. It had rained earlier this morning but it seemed as if it might start again any time soon.
A short moment of silence befell as you simply sat next to Jeno, who fiddled with his tiny fingers as his legs dangled above the ground from the stool.
“Well, would you like to do anything before your daddy comes?” You asked good-naturedly, peering down at him.
Jeno turned to look at you, his eyes big and bright.
“More candy!”
You chuckled softly, shaking your head.
“Too much candy isn’t good for you, Jeno. Plus, your daddy will get upset if you get a toothache because of it.”
Jeno pouted, huffing a little as he turned away, swinging his legs.
“I wish I could eat as much candy as I want without getting a toothache.” He murmured petulantly.
“Same, Jeno. Same here.” You smiled before a sharp knock on the door caused the two of you to look up.
Sangyeon was standing outside, absolutely drenched from head to toe, his hair clinging onto his face and neck in wet strands. The white collared office shirt he wore was absolutely soaked and clung on uncomfortably to his skin, the rainwater still dripping from the ends of his hair and clothes. His hand which held his briefcase was shaking and you could see his chest heaving up and down as he trembled ever so slightly from the cold.
“I’m… I’m here.” He panted, his voice shaking as the chilly wind bit harshly through his freezing skin and into his bones.
“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, eyes wide with alarm as you rushed over and immediately opened the door. Upon entering, Sangyeon collapsed in the tiny stool which was sitting by the door, the wooden material creaking slightly under his full weight. His face was pale and you could tell that he had ran the entire way here under the unforgiving, violent storm outside. Quickly, you hurried into the locker room, throwing open the towel cupboards. Frowning, you rummaged through the piles of fabric until you found one large enough for him. Rushing back, you handed Sangyeon the towel, which he accepted gratefully through chattering teeth. Amidst the commotion, Jeno could only sit and stare blankly at his father.
“D- Daddy?” He said, confusion in his expression. Jeno had never seen his father in such a bad state before even when he was really sick so this was all very worrying for the little boy.
“Hey, l- l- little guy. Sorry… Daddy… W- was a little l-l- late.” Sangyeon stuttered, still reeling from the cold but trying to keep up a strong front as he plastered on a weak smile.
“Do you need something hot to drink?” You asked, concerned. Your heart skipped a beat as Sangyeon looked up at you, his eyes dark yet unintentionally intense. He smiled softly at you despite the cold that racked his body.
“T-That will n-not be necessary. I j-j- just need to s-sit for a m-moment,” he said before continuing, “D- Do you mind?”
“No, I don’t. Please take all the time you need. The storm out there is insane, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I noticed you didn’t drive over today?”
Sangyeon shook his head, looking down.
“Some people borrowed our car! Daddy said they will return it to us soon.” Jeno piped up, a huge smile on his face as though announcing an exciting piece of news. “They had a really cool robot like a fishing rod-”
“Jeno!” Sangyeon scolded and the colour on his cheek returned. Jeno stopped mid sentence, his face crumpling ever so slightly. You looked on, flustered.
“It’s fine! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I um… I’ll get you a mug of hot tea anyways, it helps with the cold.” You said, waving your hands in front of you frantically before running off to the kitchen.
As you waited for the kettle to reach a boil, you found your mind drifting to what happened earlier. Did their car get towed? Why? Sangyeon didn’t seem too happy when Jeno mentioned it… Was it because they could no longer afford it? The loud squeaking of the kettle shook you from your reverie and you hurriedly prepared the tea.
“Thanks.” Sangyeon mumbled, receiving the mug with both hands. He looked considerably better than he did earlier, having stopped shivering and the colour returning to his face and hands. You couldn’t help but realise how large his hands were as you handed him the mug of hot tea and when his finger lightly grazed against yours, you almost withdrew instantly which would have sent the mug crashing. Handing Jeno a small packet of banana milk, you sat opposite the father-son duo and stared out at the rain which hadn’t eased up at all. At this rate, neither of you would be able to go home. The wind outside was so strong that the trees looked dangerously close to snapping and the number of times a flash of lightning zapped across the sky was terrifying.
You turned to look at the clock.
7:06pm.
Usually, you would have been on the way home if not for the rain. You were so transfixed at the clock that you failed to notice Sangyeon staring at you.
“Do you have to be somewhere?”
You jumped, looking a little frazzled, not expecting him to strike up a conversation at all.
“Um, no. I don’t.” You forced a smile despite your nerves which were kicking in.
“Oh.” He said quietly as he took another tentative sip of his tea.
“How’s the tea?” You smiled, lacing your fingers together. The awkwardness in the room was almost suffocating and you would have given anything to get yourself out of this situation. It didn’t help that you found the man sitting across from you so deeply and hauntingly attractive even if he looked as if he just went through some sort of hell with his scruffy appearance. The all too familiar melty sensation from high school was coming back and you had to hold yourself back from relieving those teenage girl tendencies.
Get a grip, y/n.
“It’s pretty good. You make really nice tea.” He smiled, his eyes crinkling into crescents and you felt your chest tighten.
“Doesn’t look like the rain is going to stop soon.”
The carpark lot outside was practically mildly flooded with rainwater while dark clouds continued to loom over the earth outside. It would be impossible to venture outside without getting completely soaked even if one had an umbrella or raincoat on. The nearest bus stop and subway station was about a good 20 minute walk away and that was on an ordinary day. With the rain outside coming down so relentlessly, it would likely take more than 45 minutes.
“Yeah… If only I had a car.” You said, only to immediately regret it. Sangyeon’s eyes darkened and he sank into his seat.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s fine, please don’t apologise.” He replied in a kind manner, though he wouldn't meet your eyes out of embarrassment. “We… Couldn’t afford it anymore. You know… The um, road taxes are getting pricier and pricier. If only I still had the car, I could have sent you home. Instead, you’re stuck here with me and Jeno. I’m sorry for coming so late, I should have planned my time better...”
“Ah, please do not apologise! It’s ok, I understand it completely!” You spluttered, feeling anxious. It was odd to see him so down and come to think of it, it was probably the most emotion and actual conversation you had gotten out of him since the first time you’d seen him again here at the kindergarten. Even then, it wasn’t the kind of emotion or type of conversation you had envisioned having with him and you disliked seeing him like this. In a way, it also struck you that the Sangyeon that was sitting in front of you was different from the one you knew back in high school.
The Sangyeon now seemed much more guarded, defensive yet weirdly… Mature. It was like he grew up and experienced so much more of adulthood than most would at his age. At 28, many guys his age would still be enjoying the remaining years of their supposed youthful years - going to clubs, travelling with friends and going on dating sprees. Yet here he was, having married young, had a son and then divorced all before he even hit 30. It was definitely surprising to know that this was the very same guy that everyone in high school thought had it all going for him. As the school’s star volleyball player and captain of the school team when you both were still students, most were willing to bet that he would be signed by a major sports league of sorts but it never happened. Instead, he went to university to study accountancy and met his now ex-wife which he had clearly divorced. The Sangyeon in high school was exuberant, outgoing and full of life. You distinctively remembered how the two of you had crossed paths the very first time in school.
“Can’t we just go another time?” You whined to your best friend, Jasmine who dragged you by the wrist down the corridor.
Swivelling around to look at you with an indignant expression on her face, Jasmine rolled her eyes before smirking. Her hair flowed gracefully behind her as the two of you glided down the hallways, much to the confusion of some who watched the two of you pass.
“Nope. You won’t regret this, trust me.” She winked.
“What about volleyball could possibly be more interesting than watching my favourite twitch streamers play Minecraft and Pokémon, the two greatest games ever created?”
Jasmine stopped short, her mouth hanging open.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am.” You replied huffily. “If you don’t mind, I’m going back to my laptop.”
“Oh no, you’re not. You’re a teenage girl. It’s not everyday you get to live your teenage years so you’re coming with me!” She snapped, grabbing you and running down the stairs. You tried to keep pace with her, your feet moving quickly in line with hers so you wouldn’t fall and break your neck or something. Sometimes, you forgot how unfit you were as you struggled to catch your breath. Maybe it was time to stop bingeing YouTube and those delicious chocolate bars you have stashed under your bed so your mother wouldn’t find them.
As you guys entered the volleyball court, you could see crowds of students from all grades cheering from the bleachers, some with banners in their hands and others with inflatable plastic sticks and their phones to document the ongoing match. It was the start of the sports season in schools and on this particular afternoon, the volleyball team was supposed to have their very first preliminary match against another school from downtown. The atmosphere was chaotic with the sound screaming and cheering almost deafening you. The thumping of trainers against the waxed wooden floor was irritating your ears and the huge scoreboard on the wall above felt intimidating with its large flashing red numbers counting down the match. The players in the court were so involved in their game that not once did any of them look up to check the timing, their eyes all firmly trained on the ball as they hurried to serve. Nobody seemed to notice you and Jasmine either as the two of you took your places at the side of bleachers.
Everything was moving so quickly that you didn’t even know what was going on exactly. To be honest, you didn’t have a clue which team you were supposed to root for either. Are the guys wearing the white jersey shirts the ones from the school’s volleyball team? Or was it the ones in red and black? It was all very confusing. Nevertheless, it took almost no time for you to get bored out of your mind. Your head was pounding from the loud noises that surrounded you and you wanted so desperately to go back to the tranquility of your homeroom. You didn’t understand volleyball either which meant that nothing really made sense to you.
Looking at Jasmine, you could see that she was engrossed in the game. Following her eyes, you held back a chuckle at you realised who she had her sights on. Of course, it was Younghoon. You must have heard her gush over the volleyball team’s vice captain over a million times by now. Even as someone who abhorred sports and never kept up with the sports news in school, you knew Younghoon simply because of how many times she had talked about him. You could understand why she would though. There was no denying that he was an attractive guy, with shiny raven hair and a firm stance that exuded coolness. However, you had other things on your mind. Like Minecraft… And Pokémon.
Quietly, you inched away, careful not to alert her. You were so close to the double doors when you suddenly felt an ominous feeling strike you. It took you a split second to turn around and see a ball hurtling towards you at about a million miles per hour.
THUMP!
You felt yourself fall down onto the floor, your head throbbing. Your vision was blurring up and you could feel the dizziness set in as the court gasped collectively. You felt your cheeks heating up. How embarrassing! You could vaguely hear a woman (most likely a medic) ask you how you were feeling but you couldn’t get yourself to focus. All you wanted to do was get up and remove yourself from this humiliating situation.
“I am so sorry, are you okay?”
Suddenly, you became briefly aware of a strong, rough hand gripping onto your forearm firmly but gently. The touch felt soothing and it sent a jolt of electricity down your spine and immediately you snapped your head to look up at the owner of the voice. What you saw, made the words at the back of your throat hitch.
Never in your life have you ever come face to face with such a handsome face. His coffee brown hair cascaded in soft locks over his dark eyes and as he knelt down to help you, you felt your breath hitch. Was it even possible for a guy’s lips to look that… Soft? The red and black jersey fit him perfectly and the sleeveless cutting brought out the muscle definition of his arms and you could feel yourself getting shy. It wasn’t long before mortification set in. You must look like a complete idiot in front of him!
Instantly, you reeled back as if burned, withdrawing your hand away from him. He stiffened, his eyes widening in surprise. The medic tutted, shaking her head at Sangyeon.
“She needs space. I’ll take care of her, you go and play your match, be more careful while you’re at it!” She snapped and Sangyeon took a tentative step back, a sheepish expression on his face and uncertainty in those dark eyes. You could sense the hesitation as he debilitated whether to help or not.
“Hey, Lee Sangyeon! Get back in there! The girl will be fine!” A portly man screamed at him from the sidelines, most likely his coach.
“Sangyeon.” You mumbled his name under his breath. You had heard his name only in passing, sometimes Jasmine would go on about the volleyball team and at times, you’d heard her mention that very name. This guy was the volleyball team’s captain?
Sangyeon turned back to you, an uncomfortable look on his face as he mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ before bolting back into the court and to his teammates who patted him reassuringly on the back and casted you looks of guilt.
“Oh my god, y/n! Are you feeling alright?” Jasmine hurried over, her brows furrowing together with worry.
“Y-yeah… I’m good.” You could only reply dumbly, your sights still fixed on the boy who had most certainly captured your heart for his own.
Ever since that day, you remembered how you would always run down to the volleyball court with Jasmine even without her asking. It was real funny how just a single gaze could have you so smitten with someone. When you did see him playing, you would try to make yourself comfortable at the bleachers, trying not to look too conspicuous. In the hallways, you would run the other way whenever you saw him but peek around the corner just to catch a glimpse. It was all a very new feeling to you, the exhilaration and nervousness you would feel whenever you saw him around school. Sure, you still loved Minecraft and Pokémon but there was something about Sangyeon that made you feel some type of way. It was like the warm feeling in your chest you’d get on a cold, winter morning when you sit by a fireplace with a mug of hot chocolate in your hands. It was like the feeling of momentary happiness you would get when you win a prize at the claw machine. It was like the slight tingle you would get when you experience static.
It was your first love.
Maybe it was love at first sight then. Cupid had finally pulled its arrow on you. Suddenly, it seemed as though everything about Sangyeon was interesting to you. You would perk up whenever you heard his name in a conversation and when you saw him, you couldn’t even hide the bashfulness in your expression. Smart and caring, he was perfect. Many people seemed to have thought the same, what with his insane popularity in school. He was always surrounded by people that it made it difficult for people like you to even get close or attempt to befriend him.
“...Y/n? Are you alright?”
You snapped out of your thoughts as Sangyeon waved a hand in front of you, trying to get your attention.
“Sorry! What were you saying?” You asked, embarrassed at having gone off on a daze like that. Sangyeon regarded you with curiosity, a little unsure of what to make of you.
“Um, nothing much. You just stared off into space.” He said slowly. Beside him, Jeno was fast asleep with his mouth slightly ajar and a bit of drool leaking from his lips to his shirt.
“Oh, he’s asleep!”
Hurriedly, you took off the cardigan you were wearing and placed it gently over the boy’s sleeping form. There was an unexplainable look in Sangyeon’s eyes as you did but he remained silent.
“I… Sorry, I guess I’ve just been thinking about some stuff.” You smiled, feeling the nerves kicking in. Sangyeon raised an eyebrow, holding the hot mug of tea closer to himself. The rain outside was still as violent as ever and it didn’t look as if it would be easing up anytime soon. A beam tugged at the corner of his lips.
“Well, would you like to talk about it?”
Looking at that smile that made your heart flutter, it was almost laughable how he had almost no idea the effect he was having on you. Quite honestly, you surprised yourself with all these emotions that were now bubbling up once again. In a way, you didn’t think you still had it in you but your crush on Sangyeon even from all those years ago must have had a huge impact on you. Your heart was picking up its pace and if you weren’t careful, he might be able to hear it. Sensing your apprehension, his smile dropped.
“Sorry, I must have crossed the line. I was just trying to make conversation.”
“Ah, no. You haven’t. I just… It’s something very personal to me.” You mumbled under your breath and Sangyeon nodded weakly.
“I understand.”
At that moment, he let out a large sneeze and very nearly tipped the tea he had in the mug. His nose was becoming redder by the minute and it was clear that he was close to catching a cold.
“Are you alright?” You asked, reaching forward and placing a hand on his shoulder.
Sangyeon waved his hand, looking slightly embarrassed.
“I’ll be fine.”
It was at that moment the both of you became aware of your hand on his shoulder and just how close your proximity was. Your hair was just brushing against his face and your lips were mere inches away. His eyes seemed to hold entire galaxies, bright and luminous as they were, especially so under the dim lighting while the storm raged outside.
Quickly, you leaped back and he cleared his throat awkwardly, his eyes looking everywhere but you. You could feel the heat rapidly rising up to your cheeks and you could feel your words getting stuck at the back of your throat, unsure of what to say. That was when you noticed that the office shirt Sangyeon was wearing was still sticking uncomfortably to him, the wet and cold fabric causing him to shiver ever so slightly. You briefly remembered Chanhee stocking up some extra shirts, towels and slacks for the staff just the other day when a painting class went out of hand.
‘For convenience’s sake’, he had said when questioned. At that time, you had laughed at him for being too cautious and overreacting. To think they could actually come in handy now was extremely ironic, though it might not have been for the situation you had in mind.
“We have some extra shirts and pants in the storeroom if you need. The shower is just right there.” You said softly, still feeling a little rattled from what happened earlier.
Snapping his head up, Sangyeon wrinkled his nose.
“You have extra shirts and pants here? Of my size?”
“Um yeah, one of the teachers thought to buy some cheap ones when we had an unfortunate painting incident the other day. We had a bit of a paint fight in the nursery classroom,” you said, laughing a little just at the memory of what happened.
Sangyeon smiled warmly, the amusement shining in his eyes.
“That must have been some paint fight.”
“It was!” You bobbed your head up and down. “Wild.”
“You sure it’s not a problem for me to just use the shower?” He asked, a little hesitant.
“Not at all!”
As he stood up, you couldn’t help but notice that he towered over you. Sure, he had always towered over you but it still felt so nerve wracking to have him standing before you like that with his wet hair slicked back and the white shirt clinging onto his body. You tried to keep your sights trained firmly on the ground, trying your best not to look as you led the way. The feeling of him just trailing behind you sent shivers down your spine that had nothing to do with the cold. Yet somehow despite the fact that it got your heart doing some pretty intense backflips, his presence was also weirdly... comforting.
The tantalising aroma of convenience store fried chicken and corn dogs hung in the air as you stepped in, pulling the hood of your jacket furtively over your head, your eyes scanning the area. The snacks were displayed beautifully on the metal racks and the frosty machine whirred softly in the background over the melody of the then trending pop song played on the radio but you had no eyes for it. Pulling your jacket over your body to conceal your uniform, the tension in you only dissipated when you found no one but the bored cashier standing by the cash register who was too busy filing her nails to even care that you stepped in.
Had you found a teacher in here, you would have been toast. Walking idly down the racks of delectable snacks, you could barely hide your glee as you took in the vast variety of junk food in front of you. Barbeque chips, white chocolate biscuits, animal shaped gummy candies… It was heaven on earth. You scrunched up your nose as you thought of the standard fare probably being served back at the school canteen. No doubt, it was probably the same old stale carbonara pasta and salad made from withered up lettuce and soft tomatoes. Just the thought of it was enough to strike disgust in your heart. Rounding the corner, you almost jumped at the sight of a group of boys seated at the far corner of the store. It took you about a second to realise that they weren’t teachers but rather fellow rulebreakers from school and relaxed.
It must be nice to have a group of friends to do such lawless things together. Jasmine would always chastise you for leaving, refusing to come with you. Easy for her to say, she always had such beautiful packed lunches from home. You, on the other, had only your own allowance to rely on and there was no way you were going to spend it on the food offered in the school’s cafeteria.
You were so engrossed in the selection of snacks before you that you failed to even notice the overlooming dark clouds outside and the light, methodic pattering sound of tiny raindrops against the glass windows. As you stood before a choice of either a ham and cheese sandwich or turkey sandwich, you wondered if you brought enough money. Whipping out your purse, you did a quick check only to cry out.
Pouring out a few pennies onto your palm, you could feel your heart crumpling. How could you have forgotten to bring money of all things? Your stomach growled audibly and you whimpered, feeling like you were about to cry. Grazing your fingers over the wrapped sandwiches longingly, you started to make your way out of the store, dragging your feet as you did. Looks like it’s back to measly school meals.
Yet as you opened the door only to be greeted by a now heavy downpour, the urge to curse out loud had never been stronger. You had completely forgotten that it was now the rainy season. Now, you were not only going to be hungry but also cold at the same time. How did things turn out so badly? Turning back to look at the cashier who didn’t even glance up, you decided there was no right way about it. Your choices were either to brave the rain or be late for classes.
As you stood despondently staring at the rain and reflecting on your life choices, the group of boys from earlier stumbled out of the store, laughing as they did.
“I’ve honestly never seen him like that!”
“It’s definitely something new. Oh hey, it’s raining guys.”
“Wow, it happened so suddenly though. Just a moment ago, it was fine.”
Glancing at them, you felt yourself subconsciously inching away. You never were very good with people, especially boys. To say it felt awkward was an understatement. It was embarrassing as well, knowing that you’ve made an empty trip and got caught in the rain. There was no way they’d know what happened but it didn’t stop you from feeling self conscious about it.
“Well, I think I’m gonna make a run for it! Last one back to school pays for lunch tomorrow!” One of them called out, dashing out into the rain.
“Hak, what the fuck!” Another yelled before the rest of them set off, their shoes splashing against puddles as they did. Some of the rainwater splashed over onto your own shoes and you gritted your teeth but said nothing.
There was the tinkling sound of the convenience store’s door charm as the door swung open.
“Hey guys, I- Oh, hell no. They did not just do that to me.” Someone said breathlessly from behind you.
You froze. That voice…
Turning around slowly, you found yourself staring at the one and only, Lee Sangyeon. Instantly, your cheeks began to burn and your heartbeat began to pick up its pace. Of all places and of all people, why him?! Looking away quickly, you tried to calm yourself down. It’s a mere coincidence, maybe if you don’t say anything he won’t-
“Um, hello?”
This cannot be happening.
You swivelled around to look at him as you tried to calm your beating heart and as you did, you could feel that warm feeling you felt ever so often whenever you saw him around school despite your nervousness. With him just right in front of you, it all felt extremely nerve wracking. What do you even say?
“H-Hi?”
“Did you happen to see a group of guys out here?”
“I…” You thought of what had happened earlier. “Um, yeah. They just left though…”
Sangyeon sighed, looking resigned. Keeping his head down, you thought you saw a tint of pinkness in his cheeks before he snapped his head up, his hands planted firmly on his hips as he stared at the torrential downpour. Shooting him furtive glances, you noticed that he had nothing on him either.
“Do you not have an umbrella too?” You asked tentatively.
“...Yeah, I don’t.” He said sheepishly. There was a moment of brief silence where neither of you uttered a single word. Checking his watch, Sangyeon clicked his tongue.
“What is it?”
“It’s 1:15pm, time’s almost up.” He replied, holding up his wrist to show you the time. The butterflies in your stomach disappeared instantly only to be replaced by an uncomfortable gut wrenching feeling instead. You couldn’t afford to be late! You have a math quiz right after lunch! You were already barely scraping by Mr Moon’s class and if you flunk or god forbid, miss the test entirely, it would be a guaranteed fail for the class which would mean that you would have to retake it next semester.
Sangyeon must have noticed the sickly palour on your face and the sheer fear in your eyes because his voice had taken on a gentle tone as he asked, “Do you have something urgent to get to?”
Nothing could have hidden the anxiety and shakiness in your voice as you replied, “I have a math quiz at 1:30pm.”
For a moment, Sangyeon didn’t say anything. Then, he took off the jacket he was wearing and in an instance, he had draped the jacket over your head. Surprised, you looked up at him. He wore a warm smile on his face as he said, “Ready to run when you are.”
“But..! You-”
“I’ll be fine.” He stared out at the pouring rain. “Well, a little rain won’t hurt.”
You could have thought of about a billion different ways to reject him but the fear over missing your math quiz quickly overwhelmed all those thoughts and you had no choice but to dumbly agree. You didn’t like inconveniencing people, especially not Sangyeon but there just wasn’t any good way to turn him down, not when he was looking at you so kindly and so expectantly at that. Sangyeon must have sensed your hesitation because he shot you a reassuring look.
“I’ll be fine.” He reiterated, smiling.
You didn’t say anything but you could feel a sense of warmth growing in your heart despite the cold outside. Somehow, his voice had a calming effect on you and you began to break into a run. He followed suit, the both of you dashing out into the rain with you shielded under his jacket.
While the two of you ran, you couldn’t help but sneak a few looks at him, feeling the butterflies in your stomach flutter more whenever you did. His side profile highlighted his strong, handsome features and the shadows brought out the definition of jawline and darkness of his eyes. The rainwater gave his skin an almost shining look, water droplets dripping from the tips of his fringe. The water had seeped through the white material of his uniform and the fabric stuck his skin, bringing out his athletic shape. He looked almost as handsome as he did the first time you saw him, that one memorable moment despite the hard hit on your head.
As you stared, he suddenly turned to look at you and for a split second, the two of you made eye contact before you turned away rapidly, your cheeks burning. Why is it that you feel so warm even when it was freezing? Your heart felt like it was about to burst and for a moment, you wondered if he could tell you had feelings for him. Did he remember you? He must have. You don’t just give your jacket to someone… Right? Perhaps it was his way of apologising for the hit though to be quite honest, having him talk to you seemed like enough already. You never were very lucky in love or around your crushes and many times, you would have never exchanged even a single word with your crush out of shyness and fear. This was probably the furthest you’ve ever gotten with someone you liked.
As the two of you finally stepped into the school lobby, Sangyeon was soaked through, the water droplets still dripping down the side of his face. Shaking his head to get the water out, he ran a hand through his hair and you tried not to look. He shot you a grin which you returned.
“Hey, it’s only 1:24pm. We made it.”
“We did, thank you so much for that.” You thanked him shyly to which he brushed off, chuckling.
“It’s alright. No problem at all.”
‘I… I guess I’ll get going?”
“Ah, alright. I’ll see you, y/n.” He smiled before he gasped, suddenly remembering something as he ruffled through his pockets. Drawing out a chocolate bar, he handed it to you. You stared at his outstretched hand, confused.
“Take it.”
“Why?”
“I saw- I have an extra one and I’m not exactly allowed to eat chocolate right now because of competition season. I thought you might want it?”
When you didn’t say anything, he continued quickly, “I mean, that is if you want it of course.”
You could feel your stomach growling just looking at that sweet, heavenly bar of chocolatey goodness and it suddenly came to you that you have not had lunch. Normally, you would have flat out rejected an offer like that but the way he was looking at you with those kindly eyes made you think twice. There was no way you could say no to Sangyeon.
“Thank you.” You mumbled, taking the chocolate bar from him and his smile widened.
“By the way, I-”
Before he could say another word, the same group of boys who you had identified to be his friends came from behind the lockers several aisles down. Some of them were laughing as one of them slapped him across the back. They seem
“You’re finally back!” An upperclassmen you recognised as the school’s baseball team’s pitcher, Changmin said, patting him on the back. “See, guys? I told you guys he’s going to go for it. He’s not as big as a coward you guys think he is!”
“Fine, fine. Take your bet.” Another who you knew was referred to earlier as ‘Hak’, grumbling and slapping a wad of notes into Changmin’s hand.
“Didn’t think you’d actually do that, Sangyeon. I should have bet that she wouldn’t accept-” A red-haired friend of his stopped mid sentence, his face palling as the group began to notice that you were still standing there. The rest of the group seemed to have noticed at the same time Sangyeon’s face had turned properly red by now and his lips were moving but you couldn’t hear a single word he was saying. The shame of it all was blocking out everything and your face was growing hotter and hotter by the second until you felt almost positive that you could explode. Biting so hard on your lower lips that you were almost sure you were going to bleed, you shied away as he took a tentative step forward.
“Y/n, please…” He reached out to hold your hand but you shrugged it away, keeping your head down and trying to keep your breathing steady.
“Please. Please don’t.” You choked out, taking another step back like a wounded child. Quickly, you turned and bolted out of the lobby and into the corridors. The chocolate bar you had in your hand dropped to the floor with clatter against the linoleum floor and you didn’t even care to see if it broke into fragments just like your heart just did.
As you ran along the noisy walkways where students were chattering among themselves and enjoying the last minutes of their lunch break, you couldn’t help but keep your head down, your thoughts lingering on what happened earlier.
The shame. The humiliation. It was all too much.
Sprinting into the restroom and locking yourself in the cubicle, you had to take a moment to just breathe. Did that really just happen? How could you have been so gullible? You should have known that that was too good to be true - who would have been that nice? You almost wanted to laugh out loud at yourself just like those guys are probably doing now. God, you were such a fool. It was over before it even began.
Sniffling, your vision was beginning to get blurry from all the tears and softly, you whispered, “Lee Sangyeon, I’ll never forgive you.”
Since that day, you would avoid Sangyeon whenever you saw him around. No matter how far he was, just the slight indication of his presence was enough to send you running off in the opposite direction. It was difficult to say the least, to avoid someone within such a small neighbourhood high school. You would hide behind Jasmine or bolt off to the nearest restroom whenever you saw him walking towards you and after a while, she got the message as well, assisting in your escape attempts all the way till Sangyeon’s graduation. The last time you ever saw him was up on that stage with that warm, kind smile of his receiving his graduation certificate up until this year when you met him again when he came to pick up his son, Jeno.
“Hey, you okay?”
You blinked, shaking yourself out of your thoughts and looked up to see Sangyeon staring down at you. His hand was planted against the door frame of the shower making his build seem so much larger, with the other hand outstretched and it took you a moment to realise that he was waiting for you to hand him a spare shirt you had in your hands. Outside, the rain was still pouring down on the earth. The light above had begun to flicker and the room was growing dimmer by the second, the only source of light coming from the moonlight, the flashes of lightning and the dying light source from the ceiling.
Looking at his outstretched hand somehow triggered memories from the past and despite your determination to keep the past in the past, the bitter feelings still resurfaced and with it, it brought anger and frustration. You were no longer the meek girl you were in high school, you were stronger than this. While you fought these feelings that threatened to take control, Sangyeon peered down at you with concern, sensing that something was wrong.
“Y/n?”
The sound of his voice calling your name was just about enough to tip you over the edge.
“Why did you do it?”
You could see the flicker of shock that crossed his face, having been caught off guard at your question. It took you about a second to realise what you had just said. Covering your mouth, you stared at him with wide eyes. You could have kicked yourself. How did you let your feelings get the best of you? He probably doesn’t even remember and you might have just made a fool out of yourself. Again.
For a moment, Sangyeon said nothing and the only sound that broke the silence was the sound of the storm outside.
“It was a misunderstanding.”
You were not expecting a reply. Taken aback, you could only look at him, speechless. The words were stuck in the back of your throat and your palms were beginning to get calmy. It felt like you were being transported back to that very moment in high school.
“You remember?”
Sangyeon’s eyes were full of regret as he whispered, “Yes. Yes, I do.”
Sangyeon couldn’t help but let his eyes drift back to you throughout the remainder of the game.
It was getting increasingly difficult to focus on the game and although he knew how badly the team needed to clinch this victory, he couldn’t help but keep looking out for you.
Were you all better? Did the ball hit you too hard?
These were the sort of questions that floated around in his mind as the match went on and every so often, he’d turn to check if you were still there and every time he looked, you would be watching and just the thought of you having your eye on him was enough to give him the boost he needed to perform his best.
It was weird. He barely ever felt this way around anyone else. The many girls that have come forth professing their crushes on him never even came near and here he was being completely smitten by a certain someone. My, how the tables have turned. There was just something about you that simply… Struck him. Your beauty to him was astounding in a very heartwarming and comfortable way. It was like one of those moments when you meet someone and you just knew that you liked them.
It was as if he had fallen under the spell of Cupid. The captain who had never had a crush and always prioritised volleyball and studies was now seen keeping a conscious lookout for the girl who had captured his attention for herself with just a mere gaze. He would look out for you during recess, around school and sometimes during practice when he knew admirers of the volleyball team would come to watch. His heart always soared whenever he did catch a glimpse of you. It was funny how he normally had no problem talking to people but when it came to you, he was as shy as a mouse.
Sangyeon’s friends had caught on relatively quickly, jumping on the rare opportunity to tease the no nonsense, studious volleyball team captain about his little crush on you. Many times unbeknownst to you, his friends would drop a few hints here and there, implying at his supposed crush on you. It was definitely unsettling and embarrassing to say the least but he did not dare jump in for fear of exposing his secret - the fact that he did in fact fancy you.
“Guys, are you actually kidding me right now?” Sangyeon asked, simply radiating with what felt like an intense mixture of anger, frustration, disappointment and dejection. Watching that expression of dismay and sadness on your face did terrible things to his heart, akin to someone pushing a dagger into it and twisting the blade. Part of him did not want to believe that had actually just happened before his very eyes but the sight of the broken chocolate bar on the floor confirmed his worst fears that this was indeed the reality.
When he saw you in the convenience store, it took everything in him not to act like a lovestruck teenager. He tried his best not to pay you any attention but it was practically impossible. It was like whenever he turned away, there was this irrepressible urge to turn back and he just didn’t seem to be able to keep his eyes off you. It was embarrassing to say the least, even more so when his friends caught on.
“Are you ever going to talk to her?” Juyeon asked, rolling his eyes.
“... What do I even say to her? I want to talk but I don’t want to look stupid.”
“Since when have you ever?” Haknyeon chipped in.
“Hey, she’s leaving.” Changmin said suddenly and quickly, Sangyeon turned. “Did she not get anything?”
“I saw her looking into her wallet earlier and I think she probably didn’t have enough money.”
“Is she really skipping lunch?” Sangyeon thought, frowning. Imagine making the effort to sneak out the school and then not having enough money to buy a filling lunch. As the group began to clear up, he stared at the row of chocolate bars on display on a nearby rack. Was this going to his chance? As he stood pondering, Changmin nudged the others. Instantly, they exchanged a knowing look.
“Hey, Sangyeon. We’ll be going out to take a stretch, can you help to clear the rest?” Haknyeon asked.
“Wha-? I uh, yeah sure.” He waved them away without a second thought. Do girls like chocolates for lunch? It’s definitely not your conventional lunch option but he had read somewhere that gifting someone chocolates was romantic and girls liked them as gifts. Sangyeon had zero experience in such things so all he could do was trust the advice he’d read online.
It had taken everything in him to not freak out when he found that his friends had left him alone with you but almost as soon as he talked to you, he couldn’t be more grateful. This was his one opportunity. He didn’t know if you remembered him but he didn’t care. All that mattered was this moment. His heart fluttered and it felt like he was on edge, fearful of making a fool out of himself. He didn’t even think twice about shielding you from the rain. Sangyeon was never one to tolerate the cold very well but for you, he felt more than willing. As the two of you ran, he had been extremely conscious of himself. Were you well shielded? Was the pace of running okay for you? Could you… Hear his heart pounding?
This was not how he envisioned things to go. Just when he thought he finally had a chance, it was ripped away from him. Weeks. For weeks, he had been confronting his own confusing feelings for you. For someone who always knew what he needed to do and what his goals were in everything he did, his feelings surrounding you were the one thing he was never able to comprehend. In a way, you were an enigma he struggled to figure out. Feelings were always a complicated thing to dissect but especially when they came to you. Was this how the people who confessed to him felt when he rejected them? Sangyeon had never thought too deeply into how they might have felt - all he knew was that rejection was supposed to be a natural part of life. He never thought himself as someone who feared rejection yet this time, it was the one thing he dreaded. Rejection would have been terrible but what was even worse was the fact that you were hurt… By him. He had destroyed his own chances once and for all.
The urge to lash out at his friends was strong - he wanted to yell and go off but he knew deep down it was all a misunderstanding and a terribly unlucky case of ‘wrong time, wrong place’.
“We… We are really sorry, Sangyeon.” Changmin apologised quietly, not even daring to look him in the eye.
“Please forgive us.” Haknyeon added, his voice full of remorse and guilt.
Taking a deep breath, Sangyeon closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t possibly blame them. He knew they meant well.
“It’s okay. I’ll try to… Fix this.”
Except he couldn’t. Whenever he came close, you would run off in the opposite direction as if you’d just seen the devil himself. There was no way of coming close to talking to you. His friends had tried to come close but you pushed them away as well. You no longer came by to watch his matches and the growing guilt and sadness had a profound impact on his performances. He didn’t feel like he played as well as he did when you were around. In a way, you were the Daphne to his Apollo. You were the one person he couldn’t have and it pained him. Knowing that you were hurt as a result of his own actions pained him even more. Eventually, he knew he had to give up and as graduation drew near, Sangyeon kept his heart and feelings locked away. He was more invested in his studies and games but none of it felt like it really mattered. He was doing it for the sake of doing it.
Even as he went onto university, it felt tortuous to carry with him the knowledge that he had hurt someone he genuinely never meant to hurt. It might seem childish in hindsight but perhaps… That might have been first love that never was. Many nights, Sangyeon tried to push you out of his mind, trying so hard to convince himself that his feelings were merely fleeting but deep down, he knew they weren’t. Yet as time went on, he began to gradually lock away his memories and even found someone who he married thought as much as he’d never admit it, that strong feeling of comfort, warmth and joy he felt around you was just never there. It wasn’t really any surprise that he had gotten divorced barely a year into the marriage. Communication between him and Mina broke down completely, with regular verbal fights almost every other night. He no longer saw things the same way she did and they disagreed on virtually everything. The screaming, yelling and crying just wouldn’t stop. It was a relationship that drained him both emotionally and mentally. Many nights, he would fall asleep on the couch and wake up with intense back aches that only worsened as he carried around a heavy backpack to work every other day. The two of them went from being best friends and a couple to being almost completely strangers in their own home. Eventually, Mina had barely spared a second thought before packing up her bags and leaving him with a barely 3 month old toddler. It was definitely a union he regretted but the one thing he never did regret was his son, Jeno.
Jeno was the one constant in his life. For a long time, it was just the two of them while he struggled to make ends meet as an accountant for a small paper supply company. Life was average to say the least, it wasn’t fantastic but it wasn’t bad either. He was living in a different part of the country with his son and a small, secure studio apartment. There was nothing out of place and everything was on track. Though, the good times wouldn’t last. When his company went bust, it felt like everything was collapsing right before his very eyes again only this time, it was worse. He had a 3 year old son with him and was unemployed with the threat of eviction trailing closely behind them, breathing down his neck. It felt like the walls were closing in fast around him, leaving them both no room to breathe. He would have been left homeless if not for his friends and connections.
It was a blessing truly when Juyeon hooked him up with an accountant job with a medical supply company. The only problem was the fact that he would have to move back to the very town he had attended high school in, the very period of his life when he had suffered his first heartbreak. As he packed up his bags on his very last night in the city, he wondered briefly if you were still there.
Sangyeon sat at the edge of the bed, looking at the packed suitcases that sat at his feet. Beside him, Jeno was fast asleep. Softly, he ran his fingers through his son’s hair and he smiled. Did it really matter? Even if you were still there, things weren’t like how they were back then when he actually still had a chance of salvaging things. He never did get to know how you really felt about him but he was almost certain that you might still hate him. Maybe you might have forgotten or maybe you might have even moved away. For some reasons as much as Sangyeon didn’t want to confront his past again, he still felt his heart sink at the prospect of not seeing you again when he went back. He never did acknowledge it but you had always claimed a part of his heart for yourself all these years. Even as he alighted from the plane back at his old hometown, Sangyeon had very little expectations.
He never expected much but the shock that hit him was still almost numbing when he first showed up at Sunny Hearts Kindergarten with Jeno. There you were, in the flesh after almost 10 years. You were still as beautiful as you were in his dreams and although he wanted so desperately to talk to you, he knew he should keep his distance. It wouldn’t be right to bring up such memories. He wasn’t sure if you recognised him but he most definitely did. When you looked him in the eye, it took all his power not to do anything stupid. It felt like coming home in a way but to a home he wasn’t familiar with.
“I… I had no idea…” You whispered breathlessly as he told his story.
The room was dark, the power supply having malfunctioned, leaving the two of you in the dark. Hearing Sangyeon’s story in that voice you loved so much was surreal and almost even a little overwhelming. It felt like you were knocked out of your wind. For a moment, there was only the sound of the raging storm outside while the two of you sat in bated silence in the locker room. There was a weird yet familiar tension in the air and after a while, you managed to choke out.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Although you couldn’t see Sangyeon’s face, you could hear the softness in his voice.
“You didn’t give me a chance to.”
A flash of lightning zapped across the sky and for a brief moment, you saw the pain in his eyes and it was like something in you clicked. It was the lock you had kept on all those repressed feelings you ever had over the years. Deep down, you knew you had felt the same. You loved him, you loved him so deeply it hurt as did he. The both of you were just two souls in love yet too obstinate and clueless to fight for the love the two of you so deserve. It wasn’t resurfaced feelings - it was feelings that had been locked away for too long, waiting for the right opportunity to be freed and expressed freely.
Sensing the tension, Sangyeon grew flustered, stammering as he did.
“Look, I-I get it if you still don’t-”
His eyes widened as you crashed your lips on his. His soft lips moved slightly against yours as he stiffened. Slowly, he melted into the kiss, his hands coming up to cup your face. Your hearts were beating in unison as the two of you became simply locked in the moment, two long lost lovers locked in a tight embrace. As he withdrew, he whispered, “This. This is what I’ve been yearning for since Day one.”
There was so much affection, love and longing in his voice that it almost made you shy. Bowing your head, he chuckled deeply as he tilted your face up ever so gently with 2 fingers, making you look him in the eye. The moonlight from outside made his eyes seem all the more reflective and it felt like for a moment the two of you were back in that volleyball court, exchanging that very first gaze that led to so much hurt, misunderstandings and repressed feelings over all these years.
Suddenly, the lights flickered back on and you were so surprised, you jumped back. In the bright light, the redness in Sangyeon’s face was all the more apparent and instantly, he cowered back.
“I-I… I’m sorry! I don’t know what came over me…”
“Um…” You bit down on your lower lip, unsure of what to say. You knew you wanted to say something but what exactly do you say to a long lost first love who you just shared an intimate moment with?
“Hey, the rain has stopped.” He remarked, looking out and you had a slight inclination that he was trying to cover his blushing face.
“Yeah, it has.” You said slowly.
“Daddy! Miss y/n! Where are you…!” Jeno’s cries from the lobby resounded through the corridor.
“Oh, he must have woken up!” You cried, getting to your feet and making your way over with Sangyeon following closely behind. There was an almost giddy look in his eyes which you felt your heart tightened at the sight of before you realised, you might be wearing the very same expression.
As you locked up the Kindergarten later, you felt Sangyeon standing just beside you, shuffling his feet as if there was something on his mind. Behind him, Jeno was busy jumping into puddles and you lowered your head, like a shy schoolgirl in love which was honestly how you were feeling.
“Would you… Would you be down to join us for dinner?” Sangyeon asked quietly, peering at you with those eyes that seemed to carry entire galaxies in them.
As you looked at him, it all felt like homecoming. This was what everything came down to. A failed high school first love up until this very moment. The man before you felt both so familiar yet so foreign in the best way possible. There was just so much you wanted to talk to him about. All those years the two of you missed, the lost love that the two you could have had… Thinking about it all almost made you emotional all over again.
Finally. After all these years, you have found it.
“Okay.”
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Thoughts on Endgame
Hey everyone else had an opinion, I thought I’d try having one too!
Spoilers Follow
Honestly, sometimes it feels a little like everything is on fire whenever I stroll into the fandom and I’ve just got a dopey grin on my face as everyone runs around screaming.
I came out of the theatre having had a good time and pleased that certain things were tied off nicely for certain characters. I like the Russos fine but have wanted them to show more personal flair in their work. In this film, in particular, the second act, I thought they really did - there was a lovely, meandering quality to the film that allowed for a lot of humour and fun character beats. It was unexpected and felt like - well, Community (also nice to see those cameos, I loved that show). I really hope to see more of that quirky sense of pathos and fun in their future work.
This ended up being more a celebration of what the MCU’s accomplished so far than necessarily a finale for all of that. It was, as I expected, mostly a goodbye to Cap and Tony. I like both characters (though I still have my frustrations with them as well), and I pretty much predicted this ending when I placed my bets in 2017 (Cap finally decides he doesn’t have to be a soldier forever and retires, as he deserves, and gets to be a man again, while Tony finally does get the family he wanted but loses it so he can be the new Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben in that franchise. We’ll see if my prediction of a JARVIS-Tony computer program comes true. Maybe Riri Williams breaks into his lab and he appears over her shoulder like Clippy. ‘I see you are trying to steal all my old schematics. Would you like some help with that?’ You heard it here first, folks.) Best of all, Nebz was even more front and centred than I hope possible. She carried the heart of the film and delivered. I loved her confusion, half-regret and grief at Thanos’ first death (such a great shot, her with his head in her arms) to her final victory over herself. I particularly appreciated the opening on her and Tony, where she gets a taste of what it’s like to actually have a caring dad. It makes Tony’s final killing of Thanos feel more right in the story - the flawed father figure who rose up and put children first above his own ambitions kills the one who always put his ambitions first. That cute triangle game Nebula and Tony played explained so much about both of them. So, so good.
I loved Professor Hulk. I wish we’d seen him come to be - he was robbed of that culmination - but I’ve never wanted to hug the guy more. I think he was a fascinating sign of the guilt Banner had. I really loved how the time jump allowed these massive changes in the characters, that they took some big risks to their recognizability. I found that very rewarding.
The same goes for Thor. My gosh, I loved what they did. I’d bet money that Hemsworth pitched it too, this seems like an idea he’d have. Thor is, of course, my favourite Avenger. It is often painful to watch him sidelined in the Avengers films since the series’ original, more grounded flavour made him an odd player out, preferring to showcase Steve and Tony. He was the unloved member of the trilogy. The same could be said about this film, but honestly Thor is given everything I ever wanted him to deal with in this film. His trauma finally caught up with him and he can’t hide it anymore, and it’s wonderfully heartfelt and funny and sweet and subverts all those ‘paragon of manliness’ tenants Thor has represented throughout history. His strength in this film comes not from being told to ‘buck up’ by Rocket (I loved that his attempt to pep talk and slap Thor into readiness was a total failure), nor from his body, nor, even, from his own mind. Thor gets to run crying to his mum and that’s treated as the healthy and correct thing to do. A necessary thing, even. Frigga delivers the best line in the film (sorry Love You 3000, you get a solid second).
“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be.” I think that hits everyone. It certainly did me. The expectations put on us all, by ourselves, our parents, the needs of our age - they are as crushing as a hammer on your chest.
Thor is the MVP of this film aside from Nebula. He gets to show the most range, the lowest of the lows and funniest of highs, in the very same scene and often at the very same time. It’s tragicomedy at its finest, which is what I come to the MCU Thor for. The incredible vulnerability combined with excellent comedic timing made this a performance that stands out in the arc. I was also surprised to see this huge, large, film of the century took time to go back to a sadly maligned chapter in its saga - Thor: The Dark World (my problems with it are manifold but I am tired of hearing it called the ‘worst’. That is not true. I know you all forgot about it, but the Incredible Hulk is still technically in the MCU, and there are plenty of other weak chapters that don’t manage to push their characters’ stories forward at all.) Not only that, but it patched one of my main criticisms of that film - that Thor had no time with his mother and their relationship didn’t feel explored enough. And that Thor needed to cry more. I come for man tears, that was what Branagh promised me and frankly I was getting dehydrated of late. So thank you End Game, I am quenched for now.
I’m sure this will come up in the big long thing I’m doing about the overall themes of the MCU (Dads and Legacy mostly), but this film managed to address some questions the MCU has posed in entry after entry. Thor’s journey has been shaped by his father, and his search for his father’s approval. Sometimes he was found lacking, and other times he realized he needed to abandon that approval to do the right thing, but always he was trapped in the legacy of that father - the mistakes that father had made, and what his father wanted him to become. This film suggests a wonderful alternative to Thor - that he is also his mother’s son, and her desire is for him to be himself first. Once he hears that, he’s able to call Mjölnir - a sign that he also has his father’s approval, after all. No, I do not mind that the hammer came back from the dead for a little fun - it had meaning and significance in its scenes. (Although I still don’t get what’s the big deal of Steve lifting it - it’s a bit a jerk of a hammer, have you seen the list of who else could pick that thing up? Hela, Odin, Thor. All morally gray people. ‘Worthy’ seems to be a matter of conviction, confidence, and desire to act. Not inherent goodness. Eh.) I love that Frigga, long shuffled to the back of the Thor franchise, is given such a key and beautiful moment in this monster film. I love that she gets to be mischevious, fun, hint a little more at her backstory (witches, eh?) and play psychiatrist to a son who really needs her. I always wanted more of these two, and was CONVINCED I’d never get it. I think I’ve died and gone to Valhalla.
Are there a few lines I wish were cut? Yes, there are some unkind words I wish had been altered - they are unnecessarily cruel and reflect badly on the characters who say them (in particular WM - dude. C’mon.) Rocket’s fine, though - that’s who he is (and that behaviour is changing) and he is not rewarded for his crass treatment. It fails. Further lessons for character development - trauma isn’t fixed with violence. Pay attention, Rabbit. There are also plenty of plot holes and weird questions. Why can the tesseract suddenly be used without a device? Doesn’t that mean Loki could’ve teleported everyone to safety in IW? Speaking of, why did Thor not try harder to communicate with Loki or steal him from another timeline? I feel like an explanation was called for. It also kinda sucks that IW ended with Thor avenging Heimdall (awesome dude, I love him a lot, but...really? That’s the death they directly reference in Thor’s big moment? I thought they’d use Heimdall there and have Loki be more at the forefront of Thor’s mind in this one, but he seems more banished from his thoughts than Thanos’ name). But eh, at the end of the day, this isn’t meant to be the ending for either Thor or his brother. That’s the best part. I get to ride this train for years to come, and hopefully many more good things are coming. (Although I’m getting bad juju from every announcement I hear about the Loki series so far, so here’s hoping I don’t look back at laugh bitterly at my past self’s optimism.)
I do hope that when Thor’s story does eventually come to an end that it’s in his own franchise. I feel like ending Cap and Tony’s story here is big and fun and all, but the Thor films began very intimately (somehow THOR might be the smallest film Branagh ever directed) and I hope to see them end that way. And I hope that even with the Loki series doing its own thing and Thor off with the Guardians that the two will be allowed to come back together again for something meaty before the end.
This film did right by my faves, and while it’s unwieldy, lopsided and imperfect it manages to set up the fictional people I care about for interesting things. Here’s to another decade of watching these actors barely age.
P.S. I am genuinely concerned that Eternals is going to hook me. Hmm. I can only hope they don’t do the Arthurian Legends or Egyptian Mythology as well. I’ll be sunk.
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