#whenever lucien hurts the nein

[dent-de-leon]

Molly telling Lucien if he kills the Mighty Nein then their blood will be on both their hands...my heart--

[grayintogreen]

WIP Wednesday

Hello, hello. Chapter 39 is coming along nicely. I'm about 13k into what's estimated to be probably a max 19k chapter (three scenes left to write), so it'll be a little bit shorter than average for this arc, but I'm trying to streamline some stuff since the last two chapters involve a lot of fight scenes and conflict and there's just no time for a lot of downtime, etc.

As such, here's two small scenes for a preview!

-

Mighty Nein Battle Tactic, code name Inclement Weather:

Primarily an ambush tactic for melee fighters, using the Ring of Obscuring or Marine Layer (or both for a thicker fog), the party hides within and signals their location with individual bird calls whenever someone gets within five feet of them. If the person close by doesn’t respond, then they are an enemy and dealt with accordingly.

Fjord never considered the psychological ramifications of trapping people in fog and startling them with bird calls until now, but maybe it was the just the audience. A bunch of kids with swords and a little bit of magic and something to prove rush into something like this, and suddenly they realize they’re in over their head and get scared. You would think this would inspire pity and you’d be right if they were not scared kids with swords and a little bit of magic. He was getting back exactly what he gave whenever someone wandered close to his section of the fog simply because his opponent was being too reckless.

They were children, but they were dangerous, and as much as it hurt him to fight lethally, he couldn’t see well enough to hold back even if his targets weren’t being completely erratic. Pragmatism won out, as it always did, and he took solace in the fact that he couldn’t see the bodies he was stepping over.

Someone came up on his left and he whistled his call and got back Beau’s as a response. He relaxed a bit.

“Inclement Weather, nice,” she said, casually- a bit too casually.

“What happened in there?” He shot back.

“I dunno, man. Why didn’t you catch the runner?”

Fair. He swallowed his pride and didn’t argue with her. He could hear Cree and Caduceus doing their calls from farther back and they both answered, their responses punctuated by the wet sound of a glaive being driven into someone’s intestines and twisting them like so much fucking pasta. Cree also wasn’t in the vicinity of fucking around with these people.

“Where’s Lucien?” Beau hissed, noting the absence of his call.

“Must still be fighting the arsehole who was watching us.”

“Must be a tough opponent if he’s still fighting.”

“Must be.”

☽

The blade in Eadwulf’s hands hummed like an Elven lullaby as he shook off Lucien’s blood curse. For fuck’s sake, he had hoped to have a few more rounds of it. Scowling, Lucien spun and danced and tried to land a hit, but now his opponent was playing for keeps and he wouldn’t allow a single thrust to land, leaving him constantly on the defensive, parrying the much larger blade to keep it from finding purchase.

Worthy opponent, his tail. It was only fun when he was winning.

“You’re slowing down,” Eadwulf grinned, managing to make even cheek look stoic. Was that disappointment in his eyes? Oh fuck that.

Vigor renewed, Lucien lunged like a demon in a furious dervish of spinning blades. Eadwulf’s defenses couldn’t hold against that kind of savagery. He faltered under the weight and dropped to one knee and Lucien, seeing that moment of vulnerability, trapped his neck between the two adamantine scimitars, panting and ready to take it as a prize.

His opponent looked at him with resignation, tinged with a sense of deep personal victory that this was how it would end, even if it wasn’t necessarily how he intended the fight to go. “I see why Bren is in love with you.”

Lucien startled. Bren… Bren… Who the fuck was Bren? Caleb?

A sense of abject fury rose so fast that the Beast was curious and supplied its own echo to the way he growled out, ”This whole time… You thought you were fighting Mollymauk?!”

[molvrae]

In Your Heart

Lucien stood in front of the stained glass, that hung as a tribute to his past life, staring at the myriad of colors on display. He contemplated the type of person the other him may have been, to have inspired such devotion. It was a devotion he found himself envying. Whenever the Mighty Nein talked about him, he could see the love and hurt from losing him, feel it even. He hated how he knew he could never inspire such loyalty from his own crew.

Soft footsteps alerted the tiefling of someone approaching. They were careful and spoke of years of caution. Without looking, Lucien knew, it was the wizard. He didn’t know how he could pinpoint the owner. He hadn’t been with the Mighty Nein long enough to learn all their quirks. Yet he found himself picking up on subtle cues in body language, even to go as far as anticipating them at times.

The wizards steps stopped, once he’d noticed the room wasn’t unoccupied. The air was quiet, before Lucien finally broke it. Funny, he never remembered hating silence so much.

“He really must have been something to inspire such devotion from all of you.”

Caleb was quiet, thinking over his choice of words. Lucien wanted to smile at that, like an inside joke he wasn’t quite sure he understood.

“Mollymauk was a good friend and will always be a part of the Mighty Nein. In a lot of ways, he’s the one who brought us together,” the wizard replied. With his careful steps, he walked over next to the purple tiefling.

“I almost envy him,” Lucien admitted. He didn’t know why, but he felt it was safe for him to do so. Nothing like he could with the Tomb Takers.

“How so?” the wizard asked.

“Because, he was able to inspire such devotion and loyalty, just through friendship. With the way you all talk about him...Well, I know no one will mourn me quite as much.” Lucien’s garnet eyes never left the stained glass, as he continued, “The others only follow me because of Cree, and Cree only follows the Nonagon.”

“You’re afraid of becoming like Lady Vess,” Caleb added.

Lucien paused before shaking his head, “No. However...” He finally turned to look at the mage. His eyes were darkened due to lack of sleep and his skin glowed a pale yellow in the firelight. The hair in front of his eyes, hanging like threads of copper, and the blood hunter couldn’t deny the attraction he felt when he looked at the human.

“...What did he mean to you? The...other me.”

Caleb almost looked surprised at the question, before a light dust of pink colored his cheeks. A display that thoroughly interested Lucien.

The wizard cleared his throat, which he strangely recalled was a nervous habit of his, “Well, he was a friend and I cared for him a great deal. He...he was kind.”

Lucien tilted his head to the side, “Just kind?”

“J-ja...well, no.” Caleb sighed, before continuing, “He was ostentatious and loud. Always all over the place and highly distracting. Had no sense of personal space most of the time and, according to Fjord, was a terrible roommate. Everything was a game to him, especially the lies he loved to spin. He was infuriating most of the time, but he was also kind.”

The wizard then did something that he did not expect, something that he perhaps wouldn’t have done all those moths ago before he’d lost his friend. Caleb grabbed Lucien’s right hand, and for some reason he let him. The human’s touch was gentle and soft, as he ran his thumb along the design of the snake tattoo.

“Mollymauk would also be the first to give up the clothes on his back, if he felt someone else needed them more. And for all his talk, he was a good listener, whenever it mattered. He was often times insufferable, but it was strangely just a part of his charm. And we all loved him for it.”

The wizard continued to look down at the tattooed hand, a sad smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Those same lips that he didn’t know why he wanted to feel against his own.

“I’m not him.” Lucien wasn’t sure if he was saying it to the wizard, or to himself.

“I know,” was Caleb’s reply, before he pulled his hand away. Lucien’s fingers ached at the loss of the wizard’s warmth, but clenched his hand to his side, to keep himself from reaching back outwards.

Then Caleb walked closer to the tiefling and cupped those warm hands on each side of Lucien’s face, causing him to look up in those sad blue eyes.

“I know you aren’t him, but he’s still a part of you. And while your mind might not remember...” The wizard placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, a sudden wave a deja vu washed over Lucien from the gesture.

“...I believe in your heart, you still do.”

[ghostofaminaanima]

This post contains opinions

SPOILERS FOR THE END OF C2E141

I never post my thoughts for Critical Role, but I want to read this for whenever I watch the finale again. Maybe in a week, month or year from now.

Right now, the finale is still fresh and emotions are high in the fandom. Not everyone is happy with the ending and I try to avoid those posts as best as I can. (I once let a negative meta post interfere with my enjoyment of a character and I never want that to happen again.) But I have to get this out:

For me, Kingsley is definitely the same person as Molly. I think people sometimes confused the person Molly was with the person they made him out to be. They missed the person who sacrificed themselves in a risky attempt to save Jester, Fjord and Yasha. They missed the person Molly could’ve been or could’ve become alongside the Nein. They missed a Molly during the pirate arc, the Xorhas arc, the Obann arc, the peace treaties and Rumblecusp. They missed Molly then and they miss him still. They felt an absence where a person could’ve been all that time.

Is that bad? No!

I missed that person too. I felt Molly’s absence just as much as anybody else did during these months. Who hasn’t thought about what Molly might have done at certain parts of the story? But that imagined Molly isn’t real. The real person at the end of the Campaign is Kingsley.

But this is the biggest point I want to make: Kingsley is, to me, still Molly. There's nothing to mourn, because it's the same person with the same mannerisms, the abrasive jokes and the sharp, sarcastic responses. This is still the same Tiefling, minus the memories plus a new name. This is his new life, but it’s his third one too.

Molly said this about Lucien too: “I am not that person anymore.” Yet we all saw the comparisons between Lucien and Molly: the mannerisms, the accent, the choice of words. If you can believe Lucien is still Molly, then you can believe Kingsley is still Molly.

And isn’t it the most Molly/Kingsley thing to do to cast off the person they were before and start afresh? Wasn’t that the exact same thing that made Molly tick? Molly, the person who tattooed their body to make it their own, who chose a new name for himself and avoided everything he had to do with their past? Of course Kingsley would start his life by doing the same! I don’t fault him for that. I actually love him for that even more. This shows to me Kingsley is the same person as Molly, as was Lucien.

Kingsley(Molly) has nicknames for everybody. Kingsley(Molly) is soft with Yasha, gruff with Beau and flirty with Caleb. Kingsley(Molly) loves parties and makes impulsive decisions to join a pirate/circus crew. Kingsley(Molly) likes traveling with a ragtag group of adventurers to see what they can get up to.

This is the exact same person we last saw in Hupperdook and you cannot convince me otherwise. The fact that Kingsley(Molly) doesn’t remember this, is what some people find disturbing, but the memory loss was always a possibility. It happened when Lucien became Molly, thus it could happen when Lucien becomes Kingsley.

The missing memories aren’t a ‘problem’ in my opinion. On the contrary: they present an opportunity. An opportunity of a fresh start. With this, the Nein can get to know Kingsley(Molly) again, become friends again. Molly died before they truly got to know him the last time around and this time, this time the Nein can do it right.

They can make new memories. And hasn’t the theme of making something new been there the whole campaign long? Yasha with her missing memories, Caleb with his years in Vergessen, Veth becoming Nott and then Veth again, Jester who had been hidden away most of her youth, Fjord who had to unlearn his Vandran act, Caduceus who had to leave his home and his ‘destined’ job of being the one who stayed. They all found something new, because the old life chafed and even hurt at times.

And now we have Kingsley, who got a third chance to make something new of his life. And I wouldn’t want him to be some hollow shell of Lucien, or some echoing ghost of Molly. I wish Kingsley the life he never got before. No, this isn’t some sad ending. For me, this is the perfect beginning.

[personalityisnice]

It seems strange to me that whenever I see people talk about whether or not Molly's still in Lucien somewhere or whether his memories can be restored, the answer and the rationale for it never gives consideration to the genre we're playing with here.

Fantasy.

I want you to imagine for a minute that Yasha was an NPC and not piloted by a player that had to leave for a tv show. In this scenario we are not necessarily privy to the character's dice rolls and the results thereof. So... let's go back to the King's Cage and imagine how things look if Yasha suddenly starts acting different but neither the audience nor the players know that she was hit with a spell and had to roll a wisdom save (with disadvantage no less) that she failed.

The rest of the episode looks very different.

A lot of you watching Critical Role right now have not watched Campaign 1, and that's fine. But there's a very dramatic moment towards the end of that Campaign that could make the point I'm trying to make even clearer. If you're not worried about spoilers, read further.

Alright, so the episode before the final battle, right before reaching their intended destination, Vox Machina encountered three black armored sentinels. Being in the final dungeon, they stealthily attacked with prejudice before the sentinels could, or before they even seemed to see them. Two of them dropped, and it appeared that it would be a pretty easy fight. But then they noticed the sentinels didn't fight back. That they didn't even move. Growing suspicious and horrified in equal measure, the group pulled the helmets off the sentinels.... and revealed three of their friends and family. Vecna had placed paralytic bands on them, dressed them in armor, and left them for Vox Machina to find. They had to burn two Revivifies to save them, and if they hadn't figured it out in time at least one of them would've been permanently dead.

And Matt told them nothing. Because they were NPCs. He didn't have to.

This is what I'm terrified of at this moment: that there's some kind of magic keeping Molly's memories from Lucien, or controlling him, or that Cree's given him some kind of reversable magic lobotomy or something and Matt doesn't have to tell us. I'm terrified that Molly might be magically trapped in his own body, screaming from the inside of Lucien the way Yasha was from inside of Obann's Orphan Maker. The way Vecna's Sentinels were magically held in place, silent, as VM unknowingly murdered them. If that was what was going on, how would we know?

Whether or not Lucien can be convinced or reasoned with is secondary to this question: is there a magic reason why Lucien doesn't have Molly's memories? Obann's Orphan Maker would've 100% slaughtered the Nein if she could've; that doesn't mean Yasha wanted to. That she would've after the spell on her was broken. Is the same true of Lucien and Molly?

And hell, after last year and the year still ahead of us, I for one would love a bit of hope.

I just think it would be absolutely hideous if there was a chance that they could save him and they ended up missing out on it.

Not even for Molly; I think Molly's happy ending is Lucien dying before he can summon the city or hurt any of the Nein, even if he takes the circus man with him.

I want that for the Nein. They deserve that reunion, if it's possible.

[quinn-of-aebradore]

More on Cree, relating to the last ask

I think Cree would kinda be like Molly in that she'd want to avoid the Tombtakers because she doesn't want to get stuck in the middle of a conflict between them and the Nein. She cares about the Nein but she also still cares about the TTs and she doesn't want either party getting hurt. So whenever the Nein run into the TTs Cree just tries to avoid them and help Molly escape if they catch him. She probably tries to convince them not to kill Molly, Lucien's up to no good, etc. But they won't listen. She knows they can't outrun them forever, but she'll do it for as long as she can get away with it.

Eventually things come to a head. Molly gets ambushed and Cree fails to save him this time. If she doesn't get killed, they knock her out or outrun her or get away before she and the Nein can get there (Otis can theoretically cast Teleportation Circle). The Tombtakers hire a new cleric and resurrect Lucien (or at least try to). The Nein set off to save Molly and stop them.

Yeah I definitely think Cree would try to avoid party on party combat as much as possible. Which might be part of why the Takers would focus more on catching Molly alone. I think that Cree would absolutely try to reason with them each encounter, very slowly, maybe, winning them somewhat over.

And ooh, that’s an interesting path. I imagine it would kind of be similar to how chasing down the Iron Shepards went. Tracking them down. Like, the new cleric is waiting with Lucien (I don’t think they’d be hiding out anywhere with a circle) for the ritual. Also he’d totally want to gloat at Molly before attempting to take his body back. But the Nein would catch up to them on the road, take Molly back, and maybe take one of the Takers out. A warning to Lucien not to fuck with them. But of course, he still absolutely would. But it would still make the others a lot more wary of them.

[my-spiritualweapon-is-a-lollipop]

Holding Hands

Synopsis: Essek tours the tower for the first time and he and Caleb have some honest talks. A little bit of angst and a little bit of fluff. Just how I like my wizards. 

It had been a long day in Eiselcross. The Mighty Nein were all weary on their feet, many of them hurt from their various encounters along the way and everyone could probably use the rapport boost of a warm bed and good food. Still Caleb was leary of using the tower when Lucien had proven he could easily dispel it.

“But Caleb” Jester pleaded while grabbing onto his arm with her charming little mittens. “If Lucien’s not nearby yet then we wasted a night of good, safe rest. Wouldn’t it be better to fight him with a good night of sleep before? And besides, the tower is harder to find than the dome.” and she blinked up at him with that particular Jester pout that Caleb found particularly difficult to resist.

“Ja… we could…” He left room for Fjord or Beau to interject with a discussion of the best tactical decision, but they were surprisingly quiet. He glanced at them and saw that Beau was leaning hard against the wall, favouring the leg that hadn’t been hurt in their last run in and trying to play it off. Fjord’s face was etched with exhaustion. That settled it for Caleb. It was worth the boost in moral that an evening in the tower would provide… even if it served to be only a temporary situation. “Ja. We could” He repeated more firmly and began his preparations for the tower.

It was a challenging spell and Caleb had plenty of experience tuning out his companions when doing this work, but Beau and Caduceus couldn’t help but notice the almost imperceptible pause and tensing of Caleb’s shoulders that accompanied Jester grabbing Essek and delightedly declaring:

“Oh, Essek you are going to love the tower! And not just because it’s all wizardy and stuff but Caleb made it so nice. There are lots of cats, and everyone has a special nice room - I bet he’ll make one special for you” she pumped her eyebrows “- and the cats make like WHATEVER food you want! It’s amazing!”

Essek responded in the slightly shaken way he did whenever he encountered the full force of Jester’s jovial attentions:

“I-I-’m certain that it is. I wouldn’t expect anything less from a talented wizard.” and Essek looked hard at Caleb’s back for a moment and then looked away with a perceptible sadness in his eyes but Jester pushed on as was her way:

“Pro-tip: call all of the cats to come snuggle you. You will never. Sleep. Better.”

“I’ll have to remember that.” Essek said nodding at her and trying to extricate himself from where she had her arms wrapped around his. He floated over to the wall to drift near Beau where he expected he would be left to sit in sullen silence, which was what he wanted. He wanted to observe everything about how Caleb cast this spell. This was the kind of magic he wasn’t particularly familiar with and it was endlessly fascinating. To his surprise he was interrupted by Beau leaning close to him and whispering savagely under her breath:

“If you talk shit about Caleb’s tower, I will fucking kill you. I know you’re a supposed to be amazing and all but it’s clear your opinion matters to him, so you better play nice got it?” Essek visibly deflated in response but whispered back with a surprising intensity.

“I understand that I have not given you much to trust Beauregard, but if there is one thing you can, please trust in my respect for all of your abilities. Even if you believe me to be arrogant, foolish or any other of the myriad of likely accurate and unflattering descriptions you may have in your mind, please know that you have each earned my respect time and time again and Caleb more so than anyone. If anything, I wish to prove my capabilities as an ally to you... not judge yours.” Before Beau could respond, Caduceus (who hears just about everything) put an arm around Essek and spoke.

“That’s nice.” and looked at Essek with a natural sense of hope that Essek couldn’t tolerate so he stared hard into the ground.

“Ready” Caleb said to the group. Those who knew him well picked up on the slight nerves in his voice. It would have been easy to attribute it to the long day of difficult travel, but they were all inclined to think that it was more likely to do with the wizard floating a few feet behind the rest of the group with a curious light filling his eyes. They began to file in and Jester paused at the back of the group to whisper to Caleb conspiratorially:

“Don’t worry. He’s going to like it.” and as she stepped inside, she threw her voice out to obviously and loudly proclaim:

“Oh, Caleb it is as beautiful as always! You are so talented! So amazing! So…” as she paused to look for the next description Veth cut in:

“Truly powerful. One might say a prodigy” She said making eye contact with Essek in a less than kind way before beginning to float upwards.

“Yes!” Jester began as she too started drifting upwards “an absolute prodigy! The best ever!” she feigned swooning and Beau cut her off.

“Yeah, yeah Caleb’s great. We get it. What’s for supper?”

“Uh ja” Caleb started, and he summoned a cat nearby “please prepare a good-sized roast and several -uh- vegetable dishes for our pink friend here and also some black moss cupcakes please.”

“Thank you” Caduceus said and began drifting upwards following the rest of the group. Essek looked like he was about to say something until Fjord shouted:

“UP!” right next to him and nearly caused him to leap out of his skin though he quickly recovered his unflappable mask. Everyone drifted up whilst chatting until it was just Caleb and Essek left on the platform.

“Ah I see.” Essek said as he began drifting up off the platform. “A clever design.”

“I thought that scaling many staircases seemed less than enjoyable after a day of adventuring.” Caleb put in, clearly trying to keep the pleasure at the compliment out of his voice.

“Actually, I was rather inspired by a time we found ourselves in the astral sea briefly.”

“Indeed” Essek said having some experience with the nature of that space. “I don’t believe I have heard that story yet.” He continued.

“Probably you will, some day” Caleb said and Essek could sense that this meant the tale of that particular adventure contained sensitive information, information that Caleb did not trust Essek with and he looked at his floating feet once more, unable to make eye contact with the closest friend he had had in years who was saying in no uncertain terms that he was still not to be trusted completely.

“Ah I see… someday then”.

Caleb didn’t want to leave the mood too low for too long. Afterall, he wanted to tell Essek every detail about those halls and their experiences there, but the happy fun ball seemed like it would probably be more of a temptation than was necessarily a good idea, especially if the two of them could work on it together. So, he began floating on ahead and offered Essek his hand.

“Would you like the tour then?” Essek briefly looked up at Caleb floating above him, stretching his hand down to carry him up to his level and couldn’t help but feel the weight of the visual representation of their situation. Caleb looking down, wreathed in light from above while Essek looked up at him and reached for his hand. It was almost like an art piece and he hated to give in to the symbolism.

Still, he grabbed Caleb’s hand and thought “up” to himself until they were level. Much to his surprise Caleb kept their hands intertwined as they floated up to the first floor and it was almost enough to distract Essek from the beautiful library they found themselves in next. Almost. He was a wizard after all. He couldn’t resist the sight of any good collection of books. Essek quickly moved over to the nearest shelf and began scanning title after title and slowly came to a realization.

“You create this space anew every time, correct? It’s not permanently established?”

“Ja, I create it new every time, though I try to keep it close to the same for the most part.”

“So, all of these… these only exist here meaning that these are simply books that you have memorized?” He said with audible admiration.

“Ja. I have a good mind for storing facts.” and he watched as Essek pulled a book from the shelves and began thumbing through pages and couldn’t help but feel to a certain degree as if he was being tested. Essek saw that these books were not just visual representations or the spines of Caleb’s favourite books but complete volumes, written exactly as they were. He found himself feeling that odd mix of jealousy, admiration and something else that he hadn’t quite pinned down that often-accompanied Caleb’s displays of mental prowess. He looked back at Caleb, and though he had had trouble meeting the fellow wizard’s eyes for days - he did not want to see Caleb’s disappointment - he felt compelled to make strong eye contact now to drive home his point.

“I am considered excellent at what I do. I have a keen mind. But this… this is astounding even to me.” Caleb felt the weight of his eyes on him and felt himself flushing somewhat.  

“Well… this is available to you if you wish to read, though I must let you know that many of them are in my original tongue and plenty of these are repeated. Though I have a great love of reading, I have found that I cannot fill an entire library with only my own knowledge just yet.” Essek waved his hand dismissively and Caleb saw just a small hint of the old, confident Essek peek thorough.

“I have arcane means at my disposal to translate. That is not a problem. I thank you.” He bowed his head slightly and stashed a book under his arm.

“But this is only the first floor? Though I would be happy to remain here in the library if that were your wish, I would gladly see more if you would show me?” Though he masked it well from his voice, Caleb could sense the hunger, the eagerness to see more that was familiar to him. Not for the first time, Caleb longed for simpler times in the other wizard’s tower when there was no betrayal hanging between them, simply peers enjoying the pursuit of knowledge and each other's company. Now even the memory of their victory that day felt tainted with the cost of how Essek had acquired much of his knowledge. Caleb pulled himself out of the spiral and offered:

“There is more to seen to be sure. Come. I’ll show you” and he proffered his hand once again. He knew Essek was perfectly capable of following but there was a small part of Caleb that couldn’t resist the small bit of pleasant contact between them that felt safe and distant enough, at least until he could make up his mind about what to do about Essek. Essek for his part noted the texture of Caleb’s hand, memorizing it and studying his internal reaction for future reference- when he had time to unpack all that was causing him to feel. He also noticed the scars just visible at the bottom of the arm of Caleb’s coat but chose not to interrupt this small precious moment of goodwill with a question that may bring up pain for Caleb.

And so, Caleb showed him the majority of the lower levels, going from place-to-place hand in hand, to a point where both hands were clammy and almost asleep but neither wizard was willing to give up their tenuous bond just yet. Essek thought the summoning space in the hall was “quite a brilliant solution” and Caleb informed Essek that he had had to install tiny locking doors on his cat travel system after Jester’s first polymorph escapade and thank goodness he had for Jester decided to provide Lucien with that little tidbit of advice upon first arriving. This caused Essek to actually laugh out loud which took Caleb by surprise.

“Yes, I am unsurprised by this. Jester is a talented person in her own right, but I would not describe her as pragmatic in any sense of the word.” Essek chuckled again. Caleb stopped and looked down at their joined hands a moment.

“Herr Theylyss, may I ask you something? It may be personal” Essek felt a pit of concern begin turning in his stomach but responded:

“Uh- why yes. I thought you were aware that I have made the decision to be fully -uh honest with you ever since… yes you may.” Caleb noted that Essek was fidgeting with his other hand.

“I had wondered why you seem more comfortable around Jester when it is clear that you still struggle to be at ease around … the rest of us at times? I understand that Jester is very talented at - uh-bringing out the best in people shall we say but… I had wondered…” Essek thought for a moment.

“I believe the answer is twofold. Firstly, Jester was the voice of your group to me for many months. It was through her that I was first annoyed with you all, then simply exasperated and then, I will admit, excited to hear from you. In my perspective she was the voice of my...my first friends. I believe to some degree I still expect her intrusions” He looked away at this “Secondly, I know I disappointed her as I disappointed each of you when I… when my decisions came to light but I can tell that Jester wants to forgive me and believes in the good she sees in me, just as Caduceus has hoped for me but I suppose, with the rest of you, in many ways I know that the damage is done and that the days of eating and drinking in that ridiculous hot tub are well over and I-” he paused to collect his thoughts “though I know I deserve it, it can be difficult to face that our bonds will never be what I was hoping they would be.” Essek hadn’t met Caleb’s eyes through this whole speech but a visible dark purple flush was creeping across his features.

“Ah I see.” Caleb began, “yes Jester’s capacity for seeing the positives in life is an admirable quality but” Caleb touched Essek’s chin feather light and turned his face towards him. “You do us a disservice if you think that each of us does not hold hope that you will redeem yourself or see the best in you. You would not be here if we didn’t but I have already told you… it takes time.” Both of them thought back to the moment of his discovery when Caleb managed to stop an oncoming panic attack in its tracks with a kiss on the forehead and his stalwart belief in Essek’s capacity to redeem himself. Looking into his eyes now, Essek saw something almost worse than his worst fear and the reason he been avoiding Caleb’s gaze. He had expected to see disappointment, sadness or even derision in Caleb’s eyes but instead he saw a warmth and a genuine affection that he felt undeserving of. It was never something he had seen before from anyone else; not in the eyes of his parents or siblings, the bright queen, or even his students that viewed him with adoration. Caleb had looked at him that way a few times before but Essek had not dared to hope that look remained after his deceptions were revealed. He felt a wetness swelling in his eyes, but he couldn't pull his gaze away, desperately catching every last second of affection that he could. Caleb was glad to see behind Essek’s carefully laid mask to know that he was being heard and heard truly. He ran his thumb over the soft purple skin along Essek’s jaw.

“Time.” He reiterated. Then he pulled his gaze away and broke them both out of the moment. He dropped Essek’s hand, afraid he’d clench too tightly if he didn’t, taken by a swarm of his own emotions of hurt, betrayal, and still warm caring and concern “I better leave you a little time before supper to clean up ja? Come. I will show you your room.” Essek didn’t say anything but simply nodded, hoping to clamber his mask of semi-indifference back into place.

They got to the landing with all of the doors to the individual bedrooms and both caught a glance into Yasha’s bedroom where Jester could be seen to be braiding Yasha’s hair in a particularly spectacular updo.

“Do you think Beau will like it?” Yasha wondered while looking in the mirror.

“Oh Yasha! She will love it!” Jester started a whole torrent of compliments before Caleb opened the door to the guest bedroom and both of them were distracted by the reveal.

Caleb had a tense knot in his stomach as Essek cautiously stepped, or floated rather, forward. He had hoped that this room could act as a small kind of gift, to show Essek that he still held space for him.

It was a chamber much like the rest of the bedrooms with its bathtub and fireplace, but Caleb had modified the architecture to be more reminiscent of Xhorhos, more specifically the design Caleb had seen in Essek’s tower. The furniture was inspired by that as well, though in different arrangements to accommodate the layout. Fine silver instruments laid upon the desk. Wall hangings precisely as they had appeared in Essek’s tower. There was space for mucking about and chalkboards for scribbling out theories. There was a small library space that was empty save for the books Caleb placed in every room and the large comfortable reading chair in the deep blue velvet that Caleb remembered, with the important distinction that this reading nook had two reading chairs as opposed to the one in Essek’s original study. Caleb watched as Essek floated from place to place taking in the details.

“Uh-ja” he interjected as Essek moved toward the desk. “I only included instruments I could recall from the limited view of your tower I had but if you require more, I have a study and lab that I share with Veth that you are welcome to share with us if you should have anything you wish to work on.” Essek moved over to touch one of the velvet chairs and Caleb cut in again:

“I have – that is- I know what it is like to be far from a patriot but to still miss home so I thought I could include a few familiar touches” Essek nodded silently, and Caleb worried he may have missed the mark.  Essek finally spoke near the bed:

“I haven’t used a bed in many years. I typically just trance at the desk in my study.”

“I was worried you’d say that” Caleb said rushing forward in a fervor that he only acquired when he’d had a particularly exciting idea “thus I have innovated something for wizards everywhere. This will save our necks and shoulders” He tugged on a cord by the bed and revealed on the roof of the four poster was a chalkboard with a floating bit of chalk. He laid down excitedly and pointed up and continued “it works much like transit throughout the space. Simply think what you wish, and the chalk will begin to draw” and the chalk began drawing the figures related to fortunes favor from Caleb’s notes. “This way you may think and rest your body at the same time.” Essek was craning to look up at the chalk board with a small look of amusement glowing in his eyes. It truly was a good idea but far better was the excitement in his friend that accompanied it.

“Truly inspired” he affirmed and began peering around the rest of the space when his eyes landed on the stained glass above the fireplace. Essek floated over to peer at it and Caleb sat up to watch him. The stained glass depicted the Xorhaus as the nein affectionately called the home Essek’s Den had gifted them during their time in Xorhos, with the tree growing up out of it with it’s glittering branches. And in the house could be seen 8 colourful figures sitting around a hot tub. All of the mighty nein were silhouetted in their signature colours and in the very centre were two male silhouettes looking at one another. One purple and one orange. They seemed to be laughing in their pose. Below this there was a scroll that read “Welcome to the Mighty Nein!”.

Essek’s feet hit the floor with a loud thud as he stared at this stained-glass piece. Caleb had never seen Essek lose concentration in his levitating outside of a fight before and instinctually stood up. Essek looked over and then down at his feet somewhat embarrassed.

“My apologies, uh, I just didn’t expect…” and he moved to begin the spell again.

“You have nothing to prove to me Essek.” Caleb cut him off and essek let the spell die, looking back up to the stained glass.

“I had hoped to provide you a sense of home here, but I apologize if I misjudged or over stepped. I had already designed that stained glass before our discussion earlier and I see now that it may be more harmful than helpful. Tomorrow night I can-

“It is perfect.” Essek said quietly as he stepped, actually stepped, towards Caleb, looking as if he was searching for the right thing to say before landing on:

“Thank you. I am humbled by your insight and your skill.” Caleb looked uncomfortable at such high praise and stood, uncertain what to do with himself for several moments before he began moving toward the door.

“Supper in the dining room in fifteen minutes” he said, fleeing all of the feelings that Essek’s presence had caused.

Essek spent the next fifteen minutes in quiet contemplation about the feeling of one hand in another until he heard Caleb shouting as he descended from his room:

“Supper is ready. Please come down everyone.”

Essek opened his door as the other’s spilled onto the landing as well. He heard a massive noise from upstairs roughly the direction Caleb had specified for the lab and everyone paused to look up until Veth leaned out the door with ash covering her face and said:

“I’ll be down in 5 minutes!”

“Is everything alright?” Fjord asked semi-suspiciously.

“Absolutely! Everything is fine. Perfectly and absolutely fine.” smoke was billowing out of the door and dissipating. “I just need five minutes for um...lady stuff. BE RIGHT DOWN!” she shouted as she slammed the door closed again. The rest of the mighty nein seemed to shrug somewhat to Essek’s dismay:

“Should we help her?” he enquired.

“She’s more likely to bite than accept help she hasn’t asked for” Fjord chuckled. “She does this from time to time. I’m sure it’s fine. Besides, I’m starving”. Fjord wrapped an arm around Jester and hopped off the landing and said “Down!” and they began descending. Essek could hear Jester going:

“Oh Oskar! You are so strong” and the beginnings of Fjord’s protest at the jibe.

Meanwhile Beau and Yasha were squaring off and Essek wasn’t certain if they were likely to kiss or fight or both.

“You look...really good Yasha.”

“You like it? I had never tried this style in my hair before.”

“Essek, tell Caleb we’re skipping dinner.” Beau said with some fervor

“What-” Essek began before his question was answered by Beau pulling Yasha into her room and slamming the door. “Ah… I see”. A sudden thud could be heard from the otherside of the door and Essek did not wish to question what had caused it. Suddenly a large hand was patting him on the shoulder.

“You get used to it” Caduceus said.

“What is that?”

“Being a part of something.” Caduceus finished with another pat on the shoulder, then he began to descend for supper as if he hadn’t said something that hit Essek at his very core.

They had a pleasant supper all together and planned some tactics for the next day before everyone adjourned to their various places of rest for the night. Essek went over to the library and collected an armful of books. Frumkin appeared through a little gap in the wall and Essek leaned down to him.

“Do you have a message from your master?” he said hopefully. Frumkin just butted up against him looking to be pet.

“Do you require something?” Frumkin flopped at Essek’s feet. In this moment alone, he smiled a small smile for the cat that contained none of his usual bravado. He crouched down to pet Frumkin exceedingly gently. After a few moments Frumkin was purring loudly.

“I’m glad we are still good friends at least” Essek sighed. “Do you wish to enjoy some reading with me?” Frumkin gave a slight meow that seemed like a yes and Essek picked him up and placed him on his shoulder giving him a little nuzzle on the way. They began to ascend to Essek’s room and Caleb watched them go. He felt somewhat disappointed in himself for this scheme, particularly after seeing Essek’s sweet nature with his cat, but he would not be fooled twice.

Once safely in his room Caleb watched Essek through frumkin’s eyes. He watched and waited and expected some sort of betrayal though he did not hope for one. He waited until everyone else had gone to bed and Essek was the only one remaining awake. He had expected Essek may message someone, scry or even perhaps begin taking notes of the tower. In that whole time Essek had done nothing but read and cast comprehend languages. Eventually Caleb realized he wasn’t going to do anything else. He wasn’t going to betray them. He then spent the better part of an hour wrestling with himself and doing a good amount of internal reflection before coming to a decision. He went down to knock quietly on Essek’s door.

“Yes?” Essek asked, coming to the door in the least precisely put together look Caleb had ever seen from the wizard. His hair was amuck in places, his robe was gone and the shirt beneath was half untucked and he had the slight dark purple imprint on his cheek where he had been leaning his hand. It made him look more approachable than his typical visage as the “Shadowhand”. Perhaps more endearing too.Caleb also noted he wasn’t floating and wondered if that was to do with his earlier comment.

“Have you happened to have seen my cat?” Caleb enquired. Essek was not fooled by the pretense, knowing that Caleb could summon Frumkin at will, but played along.

“Ah my apologies, I have been detaining him to keep me company while I read.” At this Frumkin ran out of the door and began weaving between Caleb’s legs.

“So, this is where you were?” Caleb enquired of him in mock surprise.

“Yes, well it seemed fitting to have him around while reading my first empire fairy tales about such a one.” Essek said brandishing the book.

“You read der katzenprinz?” Caleb asked, legitimately surprised. He had assumed that Essek would have immediately gravitated towards the arcane books.

“I started with another regarding transmutation but this one seemed a bit of an odd one out in the collection so I assumed it must be of some importance to you…” Essek paused getting slightly embarrassed and then noticing how long they had been standing in the doorway.

“Would you like to come in?”

“Actually, I had a thought, if you are too tired, we don’t have to but,” he looked almost pained and rubbed his hand across his mouth and he seemed to make a decision or resolve himself “but we had not quite finished our tour I think.”

“Oh” Essek was somewhat surprised but still eager. “Yes absolutely. Lead the way.” He placed the book on a nearby table while Frumkin ran to his exit in a hole in the wall. As they began to ascend. Essek spoke up softly:

“Is there a reason that Fjord always declares his direction?”

“Other than showmanship? Absolutely not.” Caleb replied.  At this Essek grinned while Caleb opened up the next level.

“I ask that you never come up here without me please Herr Theylyss. Please” he repeated while making pointed eye contact.

“Of course. Whatever it is your wish.” Essek responded genuinely but somewhat surprised as they came to a room full of doors. “What is this place?”

Caleb did not reply but instead said:

“I have only shown the others of the mighty nein this place.” and he opened the door labelled 1. Caleb closed the door behind them as Essek stepped into the humble space and began looking around.

“What is the significance of this house?” He asked before noting the far off look in Caleb’s face.

“Well, I wanted you to know why I found your choices so challenging to ignore. I wanted you to know why it is that I seem to understand so deeply the challenges you face in learning to forgive yourself for what you have done for it is still something I struggle with myself. Deeply.” Essek could sense the gravity of the space for Caleb and came closer.

“I wish you  for to know, as I know your greatest transgression, but you do not know mine and it seems there is an unfair imbalance between us  of late that I  hope to dispel.” Essek was surprised that Caleb thought there was anything comparable to his “transgression” as he put it but thought back to some of the sadness in Caleb and some of the truth in his eyes whenever he talked about the path ahead of Essek and knew there must be something  substantial coming.

“This was my home. I am sure it may be challenging for you to imagine ,coming from such a high-ranking family, but we were happy here.”

“Wealth does not inherently create happy families. In fact, I think it is likely the opposite” Essek put in softly. Caleb nodded and pointed to the small kitchen counter:

“My mother used to make bread here. She used to allow me to take small portions of the dough while she was kneading it and I would make little figures. I would -uh- use them as puppets and tell her stories of magnificent wizards who saved all of the empire from the evil creatures that threatened it. She would turn them into small buns when I was finished and told me that if I ate them, it was like making a wish, and that one day I might become that powerful wizard.” Caleb touched the surface of the table and closed his eyes for a long moment. Essek tentatively put a hand on his shoulder which remained until Caleb went over to the hearth.

“This is where I learned to love fire. My father would feed the flames and show me how to keep it well. He’d tell me that fire could hurt and burn but it could also sustain life. Once I became old enough to manage without harming myself, he let me create the fire every night to practice. Later I practiced control flames here, the first spell I ever learned from a spell book.” Caleb turned to Essek and held his gaze. Essek saw the shame and pain that was written in Caleb’s features.

“You have killed many good people in your thirst for knowledge and power. I … I am no different. I killed good, loving people who only wished that I could have been the powerful wizard who saved the empire… “Caleb swallowed and realization sunk in for Essek. “I killed my family and destroyed this home as a result of Trent Ikathon’s teaching methods. It was seen as a ‘required step in becoming the capable wizards we needed to be to protect our nation’. Still to this day he attests that it is what my family would have wanted though I don’t think our stories in the kitchen could have ever prepared them for their end.” Caleb paused attempting to collect himself. His hands were shaking a great deal, but he pushed forward “I have only just begun the journey to forgiving myself. I keep this room here, not to torture myself but to ensure that this happy home is never forgotten, never lost. Each room on this floor is a moment to be captured and preserved. I will show you another.” A few tears had fallen on Caleb’s face, but he did not seem to notice. Essek didn’t have feel he had an adequate response, but he did not want to leave this space without saying anything.

“You have performed your own dunemancy here. You fixed this in time. It is beautiful. Thank you for showing it to me.” Essek said, hoping he did not say the wrong thing. He had very limited experience with people he would consider loved ones and he had never lost one. Caleb didn’t say anything, but he nodded a thank you and pulled Essek across the hall to another room. It was Caleb’s bedroom in the xorhaus. Essek recognized it immediately by the charming cat figurines on the shelf.

“This was the space where you first entrusted me with dunamancy but I did not preserve it for this reason… I did so because it was the first time we worked together, and I realized you were very much someone I wished to know more. I saw a like mind in you...Essek, I understand exactly what the cost of knowledge and power can be and the folly of chasing them, you have seen this now, but I also understand that draw, that pull of power in a way almost no one else will. I know how easy it is to slip off the path and become a tool for destruction once more, and this is why I find it difficult to fully trust you as you have proven to me that we are too similar, and I do not trust myself even with that.” He had finally said it out loud. Essek had been hanging on the word trust ever since Caleb had said he was more trusted than Trent Ikathon, but here it was. More did not mean much at all. And how could Essek blame him when he was correct? They were very much alike, that was one of the things that had drawn Essek in and convinced Essek to teach Caleb dunamancy against his better judgement. Essek looked and stared at a cat figurine, willing his breath to slow, his eyes to focus. He did not understand what it was particularly that hurt him so much about Caleb having a perfectly, reasonably low opinion of him.

Caleb saw Essek beginning to have difficulty containing his emotions and he closed the space between them to once again place a small kiss on Essek’s forehead before placing his own against it. He put a hand around Essek’s neck gently pulling them together.  

“I have said it takes time and I believe that. My path out of the pit did not move straight forward and I had many setbacks, but I have begun the journey. I did so by taking small steps -and sometimes large ones - every day to leave the world slightly better than I found it.  I will never expunge my past crimes, but I can hope to maybe outweigh them in my overall impact on this world. I see you at the beginning of this journey and I know that one of the most important things in the path to redemption was having companions who walked alongside me on my way to finding it. Having the mighty nein who cared for me and loved me unconditionally, despite these terrible pieces of my past was so...essential… in my ability to begin to overcome them.” His whole body seemed to be sagging with the weight of the world and he pulled away to look in into his eyes “Essek, I know it is easy to see only our faults and everything we have done wrong, but I also know that I am still worthy of forgiveness by some, I am still worthy of friendship and chances to redeem myself and even still worthy of love. And I do not believe this myself many days but Veth and the rest of the nein refuse to allow me to forget it and on days when my belief is not enough, theirs is. And that makes me wish to strive to continue to be worthy of their belief in me. You see?”

Essek was nodding but Caleb could see he was drowning in all of his thoughts.

“Come. I have one more room to show you.” He said gently and walked out of this room. Essek blinked and felt the suddenly jarring distance between them and followed Caleb out of the room. His mind was a swarm.

Caleb placed his hands out for Essek who looked at him somewhat quizzically but took them, nonetheless. They floated up while facing one another to the final floor and Caleb revealed it to him. The floor inspired by dunamancy. Essek’s jaw dropped, and his head swivelled as he took in the room.

“It is no secret that I have a great interest in your craft, but I bring you up here not to remind you of all the power to be gained or lost but to show you of what you already have. You have unlocked so many secrets of the world, but you were never given the chance to study the most important lesson. One that also eluded me for many years. All of this “Caleb gestured out” feels so important, the stretching endless expanse of time and the motes of possibility that we can affect. But” he said firmly “It is not nearly as important as the moment we are living right now, and the people that we share that with.” Essek peeled his eyes off the expanse around them and turned his attention back to Caleb who was looking at him with an expression that he had only seen once before as they unlocked the key to the transmogrification spell. It was a mix of adrenaline, elation, apprehension and excitement. Caleb was building up to something and all Essek could do was be shocked that he was floating in this space of utter beauty and being looked at like that, as if he were the most important thing in the room, as if he was a great spell Caleb was trying to learn the inner workings of.

He began to understand the lesson Caleb was trying to impart as he could not pull his eyes away, despite being surrounded by a veritable playground for his mind, his focus was solely affixed to Caleb and what he would say next. He understood what Caleb meant to say with this room about what really mattered in a way that surprised even Essek himself. Caleb tightened his grasp on Essek’s hands and continued.

“If you will allow me to, herr Theylyss, I wish to do for you what has been done for me. I wish to be the person that reminds you that you can and will find your way back to the light. I wish to be the person who believes in you when you cannot believe in yourself, though I suspect I already have Jester’s help with that.” he quirked a small smile “ I wish to be the one who keeps you in the moment and moving forward. I wish to hold your hand” and he looked down at their joined hands “through your journey to finding yourself.” He squeezed their hands together tightly and then he looked back up with nerves clattering “Essek, you are important to me and I have felt a bond with you since the first time we studied together.  That has not gone or broken the way you seem to believe. You have hurt me, yes, but I am still here to hold your hand and hoping that you will prove that my forgiveness is not for nothing. Hoping that you will find a way to be prove that all of this love that I feel for you is not unjustified... for I do not wish for it go to waste.” He searched Essek’s expression and found it unreadable.

Years of practice freezing his face in moments of panic had caused Essek to almost completely shut down while he attempted to process a response. He pulled away from Caleb slightly and sought to pull his hands into a robe he realized he wasn’t wearing. He wished he could hide how his hands were inclined to fidget.

“I uh-” He began “This is much to process.” Essek stammered out. Caleb was already feeling disappointment seep in. He knew that he had thrown a lot of uncomfortable feelings at Essek in a short amount of time, but he had hoped that there would be at least a degree of enthusiasm for his final declaration. Still, he did not want to pressure Essek.

“Of course.” Caleb said failing to hide his disappointment. “I will leave you to your thoughts Herr Theylyss” he said nodding in a formal way.

Essek was still simply busy processing the word love. He was turning it over in his mind and examining it as it was a fully novel concept to him. He tested out how it felt as a description of that odd feeling of warmth in his chest and stomach when he saw Caleb get excited, or smile, or that small tug at an invisible rope in his chest that could be felt when he saw Caleb being good at, well, almost anything. He considered if that had been why Caleb’s opinion had mattered so much more than most. And here he was, standing before Essek and telling him that he could have that love returned. That he felt that way about him. That he was somehow deserving despite all of the things that he had done.

He thought then how he had felt nothing but sympathy and sorrow for Caleb as he heard of what he had done to his parents. He did not blame him for his foolishness in trusting and believing in the things Trent Ikathon had said. Could Essek really be given the same grace?

Around the time that Caleb was just beginning to descend out of the room, Essek’s mind finally caught up with what he had said.

“No!” Essek shouted. “No. No. I did not mean it this way. I just-“ Essek took a breath and felt the mask slipping away and for once he allowed himself to be laid bare in front of someone. Caleb rose back up to his level. “I don’t know if I have ever been loved in the way that you have described. It simply took me a moment to understand. You spoke of loving parents, but I have never been more than a means to end for my family. I was a product of incredible amounts of pressure but never loving care or attention. I was to be useful. Then I became the shadowhand and I had to be distant from the rest. It was my duty to be useful to the bright queen, but it only alienated me further from my peers. It made it easy to betray them when the chance was offered because I had never been close with any of them. I regret so much of what I have done, all the pain that I have caused” Essek grabbed at his own hair and Caleb was surprised to see him allowing himself to be this expressive “but it is made far worse now knowing what friendship and love can be like. To think that I caused people to go off and fight in a war that did not matter and worse that both sides felt losses comparable to what I would feel if you were to be harmed. It feels almost unbearable to know that I could have caused that much pain” Essek began sputtering, tears streaming down his face. “And still, you stand before me and say that I am worthy of redemption and that I am worthy of love?” Essek was ranting now but it was as if so many of the feelings he had always held down couldn’t help but burst forth now that they were given a small bit of freedom. Caleb wrapped his arms around him and held him close, with one hand stroking his hair. Essek rambled on “you had it right when you said I had missed an essential lesson along the way. How could I have been so blinded by my research and studies to never see that the people they would benefit were the point, not knowledge for knowledge’s own sake? And still, you hold me as if I am something precious rather than wretched. It is a kindness greater than I deserve for truthfully, I can tell that you know the weight of what you have done, but until today, until now, I still had never comprehended the depths of the pain my actions caused… to so many.”

At this Essek dissolved into sobs and Caleb held him through them. He kept stroking Essek’s hair and gave him small soft kisses on the top of his hair and waited for the sobbing to peter out. He did everything he wished someone could have done for him when he was going through this. Eventually it seemed Essek had cried himself out. He was still shaking and there were tear lines stained into his purple skin, but he pulled himself back a little to look at Caleb. Before Essek could apologize again Caleb said again:

“It takes time.” Essek nodded sadly and put his hand out for Caleb who clasped it and kissed it his knuckles lightly. “But.” Caleb continued “that does not mean you must spend it alone. I meant what I said. If you wish to be loved and reminded of all the things you are worth and what makes the moment worth living in, I am happy to offer that to you. And perhaps together we can work to make the world a little bit better than when we found it ja? So no other young people go unloved or get led astray?”

Essek was still feeling a whole spectrum of emotions but was able to centre himself enough to unabashedly meet Caleb’s eyes and spoke.

“Yes, I think I would very much like to do that, but with one stipulation.” Caleb smiled at the return of some of Essek’s former, confident demeanor “I know you have many in your life with more experience in affection than I, but I would like to offer my love, as … untested as it imay be, in trade. Together we can hypothesize,experiment and test its bounds until you believe it is up to your standards? Do these conditions seem fair to you?” Caleb was smiling in a way that made Essek pleased, and caused him to consider being reckless once more.

“Ja I think that is accepta-” and before Caleb could finish, Essek pulled him into a kiss. He wrapped his arms around Caleb’s waist and Caleb’s hands found their way into Essek’s hair. They kissed deeply and with the release of the many conflicting emotions both of them had felt over the past weeks.

Essek found the texture of Caleb’s lips and stubble to be a bit surprising but planned on savouring every bit of the feeling. He approached this kiss almost like learning a new spell from Caleb, and followed his lead through the unfamiliar, for though Essek had kissed before, never with much feeling behind it, and this was an entirely different experience. His heart was pounding in his ears, his chest felt full of fireworks and there was something that felt hooked inside of both of them, drawing them closer. It was a startling powerful sensation.

Caleb was surprised not only by the kiss but by the intensity it quickly developed. He felt Essek’s hands pushing into his back and keeping him close, and the soft strands of essek’s hair moving beneath his fingers and the warmth of Essek’s lips and was intoxicated, drinking in every last bit of the experience that he could.

Finally, they broke apart, both flushed and breathing heavily. Essek found himself smoothing down the front of Caleb’s shirt for something to do and pulling a few pieces of cat hair off of it as he asked:

“May I ask something of your path to redemption?” He continued to try to compose his features but couldn’t resist the smile that kept making itself known on his face. It was a broader smile than Caleb had ever seen on Essek and it made his chest squeeze. He thought it would be a new mission of his to procure that smile more often.

“Yes Essek?”

“If we do not have to be alone, are we also allowed happiness? For I must admit that I think this is the happiest I have been in… sometime, perhaps ever.” Caleb thought and looked serious.

“I think so yes. I have to believe that is so.”

“In that case, I think we should kiss more often.” And at that Caleb laughed a full and genuine laugh and kissed Essek on the cheek following by cupping his face in his hands, allowing his thumb draw over the spot that was just kissed.

“Ja. That can certainly be arranged.” and he pulled Essek’s face down for another kiss on the forehead. “But for tonight I think it best if we both get some rest.” He grabbed Essek’s hand once more and descended into the tower, closing doorways behind them until they stopped at Essek’s room.

“I think I may need some time to wind down after all of that” Essek admitted.

“I think I shall be similar.” Caleb agreed.

“In that case, do you wish to read a while with me? Only I had noticed someone had placed 2 chairs in my reading nook.” Essek said with a conspiratorial smile. Caleb seemed to debate with himself a moment before coming in.

“But if I do not recover my spells, I will have to blame you Theylyss.”

“These terms are acceptable to me” Essek replied with a smile that belied his serious tone. And they each took an armchair and began reading, with their hands held between them.

Eventually Essek awoke from a trance he hadn’t even noticed he’d fallen into. His book had fallen into his lap and his hand had drifted out of Caleb’s somewhere in the night. He only required a short trance to be rested but Caleb would need more sleep and was currently snoring lightly from his armchair. Essek cautiously placed both of their books aside and used his levitation spell to float Caleb gently over to the bed. He tucked Caleb in and gave him the gentlest kiss on the forehead and then used the chalkboard above the bed to scrawl I was worried about your neck and shoulders which he felt had just the right amount of cheeky touch.

Essek pondered getting into the bed as well but felt it may be too presumptuous, so instead he sat at the desk at his study and began writing out the events of the night, hoping to capture it’s every detail. Though he had a good memory, he hoped to preserve this turning point for himself the way Caleb preserved history in his rooms upstairs. So, he wrote while Caleb slept.

When the hustle and bustle of the others moving about the tower finally awoke Caleb, he had the moment of concern that arises when waking in a different spot than where you fell asleep, until he saw the message above the bed and smiled to himself.

“The world better watch out if one kiss is all it takes to get Essek Theylyss to start writing jokes” Caleb called out to the room.

Essek came over, looking somehow more perfect than ever this morning (Caleb being unaware that Essek had fussed by the mirror for 20 minutes for the perfectly tousled look…) and handed Caleb a coffee that he had summoned via the cat system. Caleb took it gratefully as he sat up in bed and Essek came to sit next to him on the edge of the bed.

“Imagine what will happen after 2,3 or even 100 kisses?” Caleb continued his jibe. Essek simply raised an eyebrow at him:

“I suppose we will have to test it to find out.”  

“I suppose we will” Caleb replied with a grin.

[cadaceus]

C2E117

In the second and final part of this week’s Critical Role Catch Up Binge™, the Mighty Nein...... do many things and all of them are chaotic (as is expected now, I feel like.) There are EVEN MORE exciting things added to the Eiselcross Arc and I really can’t wait to see where it goes from here! My liveblogging is below the cut, as are spoilers :)

- “We had very... fond feelings” Aw, Fjord

- “So you felt for this empty speck?” / “It’s hard to feel contempt for something that doesn’t really matter” LUCIEN IS SO SAVAGE STOP

- Liam using they/them pronouns for Molly makes me very happy  🥺

- “Unfinished business” What unfinished business, Mr The Nonagon sir  👀

- Nine eyes for the nine Betrayer gods.... was this sight somehow given to him by them? Is his ‘destiny’ to release these gods??

- The entire Tomb Takers party saying “Be our guests” in unison is so creepy, I love it

- Yasha going “I’m gonna eat you~” to Spider!Caleb is peak comedy, I love her

- I am cracking up at the fact that Veth is like, Dagen’s one-woman cheer squad over here dfghjdkl DAGEN HYPE CREW ROLL OUT

- Fjord’s face when Jester asks “How are you?” I’m softttt  🥺

- SABIAN IN DARKTOW LMAOOOOO 

- But in all seriousness, I want to meet Sabian so bad, he’s such an important part of Fjord’s backstory and I feel like that confrontation will be so necessary for Fjord to have later on, in order to truly let go and “close past chapters” like he said

- Fjord: “Are we gonna take Vess’s body and tell them she died a long time ago or...?” Dagen, halfway through eating his slice of bug pie: Vess’s what now.

- I feel so bad for Dagen he looks so stressed out dfghjkls

- “Molly drew this card for you, Caleb” pls I hurt

- Yasha’s soft “he did?” when Jester said Molly drew all of them cards... PLS I HURT

- ESSEK IS HERE ESSEK IS HERE ADFGHJKSL JKDGDSJ 

- The way that Sam and Marisha just went feral y’all ME TF TOO

- Lucien, Avantika, and Essek are honestly the holy trinity of fatally attractive antagonistic(?) figures like we got the aesthetics, we got the accents, we got the grey morals, what more do we need, be honest (also the fact that ALL THREE of them are in this arc now!!! Matt Mercer we have to stan) 

- you’re gonna get so peded!

- Laura’s “do WE” and Sam’s imitation of it at 3:17:00 are so funny dfghjkljlf 

- 22 POINTS OF COLD DAMAGE RUH ROH

- Not a TPK please ohmygodfghjklj

- The amount of times Polymorph has come in clutch this campaign is literally so funny I love them

- FJORD GETTING BITTEN BY THE BUNNY FAREWELL BFVDUYAKJF

- The Paladin of the Wildmother always gets attacked by nature poor Fjord!!

- The feral energy coming from the top row after the bunny’s one (1) hit point gets taken away is incredible: 

- THE GLITTER FGHFJKLDK

- Travis: “Oh I actually lost sight of [the glitter] for a bit!” Matt: “...It’s in my hand” THIS ENTIRE ENCOUNTER IS PEAK COMEDY LMAO

- A Full Ashley Johnson Uh Oh ™

- Whenever Matt waves at the end I always wave back despite being alone in my room at 11:30pm on this fine Thanksgiving day dfgdhjkldd

- Critical Role has only been gone one (1) week but I already miss them so much, this is one of the disadvantages to being caught up now is that I can’t just binge watch onto the next episode (unless.... Vox Machina time finally? Who can say  👀)

[dent-de-leon]

Tiefling, goliath, eisfuura, cleric, sorcerer

Tiefling: who is your favorite female player

Ooh that's tough. I feel like I have to say Laura Bailey, because the way she plays her characters just makes me so emotional--there are just these moments when she made me cry, especially in C2. She was also one of the VA's I knew of before starting CR, so I was excited to see her play!

Goliath: who is your favorite campaign 1 character

AH this is so hard. I wanna say it's like a three way tie between Percy, Keyleth, and Vax. I love them all a lot. But I don't know, I think there's something I especially love about seeing Kiki now after how far she's come, and everything she's been through. I just have a lot of fondness for her and it makes me excited for more of TLOVM :')

Eisfuura: who is your favorite npc

This feels like cheating almost, because it's just so predictable for me, but--Lucien without question. I adore his wit and charm and dramatic villain monologues--which we now know are inspired by him literally being an actor, and I'll never get over that. He quotes his favorite lines sometimes. He's always looking to put on a show, to become part of something grand.

He's playful, and there are moments when you see a bit of vulnerability behind the mask. And even though he's the villain of the final arc, his character is just so tragic, it makes you still kind of want to root for him a little.

And seeing Matt play Lucien is very fun because it's like watching this eerie sort of mirror image of Taliesin's performance as Mollymauk. The little quirks and mannerisms inherited from Molly, the charm and showmanship and banter. A personality that's become warped, twisting Molly's dreams and desires into something darker. And yet, for every striking difference, there are ripples and echoes of the same Circus Man we know. It's really amazing to watch Matt act all of that out.

Even the way he does Lucien's laugh has this eerie echo of Molly to it that really does remind me of Taliesin. I think that's what makes his performance so appealing to me, that it's not just a character of Matt's--but a character that's almost like this collaboration between them.

Cleric: what is your favorite battle

Again, probably expected, but--that final fight with Lucien. I'm just so weak for stories like this. Where the final villain used to be someone beloved by the other characters before they were lost to them somehow. It makes the conflict so much more personal and just gets me so emotionally invested.

Narratively, thematically--there's just so much to love about this fight. The way Lucien and the Nein are able to manifest whatever they imagine in the Astral Sea through sheer will. The ever present, constant threat of the Nein slowly gaining more and more Eyes, the sense of urgency and finite time.

The whole mechanic where characters are rewarded for trying to reach back out to Molly!! Heartfelt pleas and gutting reminders, the Nein all holding out their hands to Molly. The fact that Jester and Caleb seem to be the ones most consistently able to get through to him, fighting hardest to free him--and then they're the ones Lucien goes after and kills, because to him they're the biggest threat, a representation of the thing he most fears.

That shard of Molly's soul still present, reacting so viscerally whenever his friends are hurt. The way the end of that fight is just so heart-wrenching and gutting and leaves me teary eyed. The perfect parallels to Jester's tarot reading. I'm still not over any of it.

Sorcerer: what is your favorite sam commercial skit

tHE ELDERMANCY COCKTAIL!! There's just. So much going on here. Watching the slow decent into utter chaos, everyone trying to stop him with each new horrible, terrible addition he pours in. The moment he takes that first sip. The horror. The regret.

The realization he just drank like 3 shots of absinthe in an espresso with yogurt. The fact that all this happens?? I believe?? In the episode where we were all horrified there'd be a TPK in that big fight with the Tombtakers?? Literally everything about this whole situation was so cursed I love it.

[dent-de-leon]

Mollymauk, 4, 5, 11, 13, 14, 15, 21, 22 :D (feel free to trim down if this is too many)

asksjkdf I'm sorry in advance because I got a little carried away so this got a little long, but thanks for the ask! I love any and every excuse to talk about Mollymauk...

4.) Best places to kiss on their body

I think Molly is actually very partial to forehead kisses! I feel like he uses that to ground Caleb in part because it’s something that’s always been very comforting to him--for instance, when Yasha finally gets to embrace him again, she also kisses his forehead. I think I remember Molly doing this for the twins back at the carnival too, so I feel like it’s a habit he picked up from the circus? Just the kind of little thing you do for someone to show you love them.

Aside from that, I think he would really appreciate a kiss on the neck, where most of his blood hunter scars--and that haunting red Eye--are. A bit of loving tenderness to soothe the pain.

5.) Guilty pleasures

Oh I love this pick for Molly cause boY does he have a lot of these!! He builds a life off joy and hedonism, so he’s got this in spades. I forget where, but I’ve definitely seen someone theorize before that the reason base pleasures are so appealing to Molly is because he started out just feeling like an “Empty” body, so anything that’s very stimulating on a physical level is very grounding for him? I really like the idea of that. I think wanting to feel like he was really “alive” and “whole” is part of why he gravitated towards decadence and indulgence, anything that made his heart beat faster.

The episode where we get the famous “Long may I reign” scene definitely covers a lot of his favorite indulgences. But as much as he loves being spoiled, I think he also likes making sure the people he cares about are pampered like royalty too. Taliesin mentioned before that the reason Molly likes gold so much is because he’s got this very childish perception that money is Good because you can use it to get Nice Things that make other people Happy. Since Molly’s been alive for only two years, I feel like a lot of his guilty pleasures actually stem from this sort of sentiment. The fact that he’s still so young and everything in the world is very new and exciting and he just wants to be as happy as possible--and make his loved ones happy too. It’s a very endearingly innocent sort of view.

11.) Bad or petty habits

Hmmm I feel like the one thing that makes Molly the pettiest is when someone tries to tell him his tarot readings are bullshit lmao. Even if he mostly thinks so himself, he adamantly refuses to hear it from anyone else.

13.) What gets them flustered

I think whenever someone is being very genuine and having a real heart to heart with him. Molly is perfectly at ease talking bullshit or telling pretty lies. He’s also very comfortable being very sincere and compassionate when it comes to comforting others, like the little ways he’s always trying to cheer up Jester, the forehead kiss for Caleb, promising Fjord the Nein won’t let him die, bringing Yasha a four-leaf-clover with the wish that one day she’ll feel happier.

But whenever people are openly affectionate and trying to have an honest conversation with him? I think that makes him tense up and panic a bit. He’s not good with letting himself be vulnerable, dropping his showman’s performance. We actually see a lot of this when Molly is resurrected and starts going by Kingsley. He knows he has feelings for the Nein, but he’s definitely a little nervous and overwhelmed when he confronts that.

Several times, Caleb assures King he’s still welcome in the Nein, and that always makes Kingsley either defensive or very quiet, keeps catching him off-guard. “Well for starters, you are with friends.” “Perhaps this is your first time meeting us. It's our second time...Stick with us.” “We have a habit of taking in strays.” “This is the newest member of the band.” Being accepted just like that, loved by all the Nein so unconditionally, just like that? I think it leaves him a little shaken, because he doesn’t feel like he’s done anything to earn it. Like he doesn’t deserve to be this missed and wanted and loved.

14.) Ingrained habits/forces of habit

I think there are some nights where he keeps looking over his shoulder and feels like he’s being watched--when the Eyes of Nine start to itch and burn, when it feels like something’s crawling under his skin--and he looks at the mirror and swears he sees a face that looks just the same but somehow isn’t his. And for a while after he first wakes--and again when he’s resurrected--I think there are still moments when he’s scared or panicked and he’ll just keep repeating Empty over and over.

I also really like how Taliesin used to just pick a random card from his tarot deck to decide what Molly should do. I can definitely see Mollymauk doing something similar--just pulling a random card from his deck on a whim, trusting it’ll lead him in the right direction.

15.) What it takes to make them cry

I feel like Molly rarely cries, mainly because he hates feeling sorry for himself or ruminating on any bad memories. He’s kinda funny that way; he refuses to let himself be unhappy, especially when he feels like he’s always living on borrowed time. The one thing I can see really making him break down is seeing his loved ones hurting--he literally spits at the face of his own death, but I think he’s really terrified of losing someone else.

If there’s one scene where I can really see Molly crying, it’s when Jester falls in that final battle. When Caleb makes this desperate plea that breaks through to Molly for a single heart-wrenching moment, “You’re killing her, you’re killing her! You love her. You’re killing her!” The absolute horror of that shakes Lucien’s control for just a moment, and Molly claws at his own face in retaliation. You can just tell how much his heart is breaking just then, how scared he is, how much he must hate himself. I could definitely imagine Molly shedding a few tears right then, if he had enough control of the body to do it.

Having to watch Lucien use his body to kill Jester and Caleb, the amount of pain Lucien caused Yasha and all the others, the nightmares of his death and black chains that forever haunt him after--I think those are the kinds of things that would bring Molly to tears in his lowest moments. And when he finally reads Beau’s book and finds out about how Yasha suffered a similar fate under Obann? Yeah, I think he’d get choked up over that too.

21.) Turning points in their life

Oh, there’s so many interesting twists and turns Molly’s life takes in just a few short years. Undoubtably, I think every life, death, and rebirth left the biggest impact. The fact that he woke all alone that first time--and then found himself surrounded by so many loved ones a lifetime later--I think that had a profound impact on his sense of self worth and his attachment to others.

That first life, Molly convinces himself that he must have been someone awful before, to have been left alone in an unmarked grave on the side of the road. With no one who missed or mourned him. He believes he somehow deserves that fate. And when he’s taken in by the circus? Taliesin mentions he never spends more than 24 hours alone. He’s...very lonely, I think. Someone who can’t bear to be isolated again. So when he wakes up again to a whole family of people who love him? Who welcome him wholeheartedly and insist they’ll love him unconditionally, no matter who he is? It’s beautiful, and it means the world to someone like Mollymauk/Kingsley. “I’m looking forward to the future. And I hope to deserve to have woken up surrounded by such people.”

Molly’s also mentioned that it was the Moonweaver who helped guide him when he first woke, who gave him comfort in having a new start in life. “Can you imagine what it would feel like to not feel anything about anything that had happened to you so far?...It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing--It’s the thing that happened to me. It’s not the best thing that happened to me, it’s the thing that happened to me. I found peace in building a new person. The Moonweaver--” However he came to worship the Moonweaver, I think it was definitely one of the most formative experiences in all his lives. I also like to headcanon the woman in a red coat Molly/King met in his dream was another visit from the Moonweaver, and she was either trying to return his memories or offer him another chance at a fresh start.

22.) People who’ve influenced them greatly

Oh, pre-campaign I think Molly modeled a lot of his behaviors and mannerisms after others in the circus, especially Gustav. He’s the one who named Mollymauk and presumably the one who spent the most time raising him and caring for him in that Empty period.

Molly has his own set of morals he feels very strongly about, and it’s entirely learned from the circus, “Things came back quick, and the circus helped. They were good people. They did a lot for me, and joy can fill an awful lot of a person’s life.” “I may be a liar, but I’m never a betrayer. I’m honest in my work and I believe in doing a good turn...I stayed with that circus for two years, and I know how people treat each other. It’s important.” When Molly is resurrected again, I think all of the Mighty Nein have very much the same effect on him.