#when you take into consideration that karkat kind of loses most of his friends on that meteor it’s like

[scriblesandbits]

They had a nice long conversation about everything once the game was over trust me

[bronzeflower]

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

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Chapter 8: Get In Loser. We’re Going Shopping.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] --

CG: ERIDAN. I’M OUTSIDE YOUR HIVE. CG: OPEN THE FUCK UP SO I CAN TAKE YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES SUITABLE FOR A FUNCTIONING PERSON.

CA: all right all right CA: theres no need to yell kar

CG: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED TO YELL. CG: NOW GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE.

“Finally! It took you long enough!” You yell as soon as Eridan manages to get his ass out of his hive.

“You didn’t even have to wait for that fuckin long, Kar.”

“I know. I just like complaining. Now get in the fucking car, loser. We’re going shopping.”

“Who’s that friend of yours who’s comin with us anyway?” Eridan asked. “I certainly hope he has a better fashion sense than you.”

“Eridan, if you get your head out of your ass for a single moment, then you would be able to inform me of how much of a fashion disaster you are. At least I know something about how to look good because of Kanaya. All you do is throw on shit and hope you look rich.”

“I am rich.”

“I know! That’s why it’s even worse! Half the shit they sell to rich people you can get for two bucks at the thrift store. If you have money, at least make good use of it.”

“I do make good use of it though.”

“Buying a different high-quality cape for every day of the week is not a good use of your money. And before you go on for fuck knows how long about it is fashionable, you can, at the very least, make proper outfits that go with the capes. Or maybe, just maybe, wear a color other than purple for once. I know you’re all about doing that hemospectrum thing, but seriously dude. At least add some white or gray to your repertoire of outfits.”

“I cannot believe that you are insulting the royalness that is the color purple. It is clearly the superior color.”

“Hey! I’m not shitting on purple. I’m just saying that you don’t have to wear it all the time.”

“Says the person who wears gray all the time.”

“I wear black too!” You argue. “Anyway, we’re here.”

“I thought you said we were going shopping.”

“Yeah. And I am absolutely sure that I also mentioned that we were going to eat as well. It’s a lot easier to meet up with someone at a specific location than to just tell them to go to them mall and hope we find each other. Now you get to meet the douchebag I met at Rosemary.”

“Oh my god. Kar.” Eridan suddenly stopped and put one arm in front of you and one on his chest. “That’s Cogsinthegodshead! I’m absolutely certain of it!”

“Why do you watch his trashy as fuck videos?” You roll your eyes. “And that’s the guy who’s going shopping with us.”

“What! I can’t go over there looking like a mess!”

“You look fine. Now stop being a baby and just let me introduce the two of you.” You get closer towards Dave before shouting at him. “Hey! Dave!”

“Karkat!” Dave went from looking kind of bored to lighting up. “Nice to see you again. And I know you said you were bringing a friend, but you have yet to actually tell me who he is or what his name is or whatever.”

“Dave. Eridan. Eridan. Dave.” You say.

“Sup, Eridan. Nice to meet you.” Dave held out his hand for a handshake.

“Hi.” Eridan nervously reached out and grabbed Dave’s hand.

“Eridan, you’re starting to look like Equius with how much you’re sweating.” You comment.

“Shut up, Kar.”

“You know he’s right. You are sweating a lot, dude. Are you like nervous or something? I guess that’s understandable. A lot of people get super nervous about meeting new people and such and such. Or is it because I’m just intimidating? Karkat, am I intimidating? I’m pretty sure I’m like one of the least threatening people you could meet.” Dave rambled.

“No. He’s just nervous because he watches your fucking GrubTube channel for whatever reason.” You answer. “I can’t possibly imagine why. Your channel is a pile of trash that even raccoons refuse to go near.”

“I’m surprised you can come up with new insults about my channel even after writing a ten-page rant about it.” Dave said.

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a moment.” Eridan pointed at you. “You wrote that entire fuckin thing? I knew the tone of that rant sounded familiar.”

“So I wrote a long ass rant. Sue me! Maybe I could ask Terezi to be my lawyer! Heck! Just make her the prosecution, why not? I’ll probably lose either way!”

“I’m sure TZ’s a better lawyer than that.”

“She is, but she would purposely lose just to spite me.”

“I can not believe you two are arguing about Rezi bein a good lawyer or not.” Eridan interrupted. “We could be havin food right now.”

“Okay, that’s actually a fair point. Let’s mosey on down towards whatever place Karkat here has chosen for us to grace with our glorious presence.”

“At least someone here acknowledges the glorious person that I am.” Eridan looked pointedly towards you.

“Stop being an asshole, and go into the fucking restaurant already.”

The three of you finally manage to get your butts into the restaurant and in a chair at a table.

“Finally.” You say, picking up the menu. “I’m fucking starving.”

The three of you spend a minute deciding on what to eat.

“Okay, so I think I’m gonna get the bacon cheeseburger and, of course, I’m going to get an apple juice as well.” Dave declared.

“What is with your obsession with apple juice? You mention it in so many of your fucking videos on your abominable, distasteful channel.”

“Dude. Apple juice is a fucking elixir for the gods. There is no drink that is more heavenly or holy than apple juice. It is an ambrosia that surpasses even the most Gordan Ramsey approved drinks. It is a fucking gift to the world, and I thank the gods every day that it is even allowed to exist, not even mentioning the fact that we as lowly mortals are permitted to drink this beautiful liquid apple. In fact, I even thank Eve for taking a bite out of the first apple, which may have been tainted and full of sin, but that singular bite enabled us to have this drink to which I hold to the highest degree of beauty. It is gorgeous and ethereal.”

“Yeah, Kar. Apple juice is clearly the superior drink. Much better than that disgusting swill your ex-moirail used to drink.”

“Literally everything is better than Faygo, Eridan. And stop ass-kissing Dave and chose something to eat.”

“I am not ass-kissing.”

“Eridan, I’m not sure if you realized it, but ass-kissing is a phrase used to describe the action of using flattery to gain favor from someone, which is exactly what you are doing.”

“Well, excuse me for bein polite instead of being a sack of shit all the goddamn time.”

“Well shit, Eridan. Excuse me for not realizing that you actually had the capability of being polite.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Excuse me, but what would you like to drink?” The waitress asked.

“I’ll take apple juice.” Dave said.

“I’ll take the same.” Eridan stated.

“I’ll just have some water.” You say.

The waitress wrote all that down and left.

“You’re just going to get water? Really?” Dave asked.

“Well, yeah. Soda is fucking disgusting, and I absolutely refuse to get some sort of juice to appease your bizarre juice kink.”

“Woah there. Only apple juice gets the god treatment. Every other kind of juice is simply okay in comparison to the god-like properties of apple juice. The rest of the juices are mortals like the rest of us. They practically worship apple juice, and that is a fucking fact, my man.”

“You are lowering the importance of other fruit juices in order to lift apple juice higher than the fucking sun. Other fruit juices are equally as important and as good as apple juice, and they should be treated as such.” You argue.

“But have you considered that apple juice tastes way better than all these other juices, and is therefore considerably better.”

“I’m willing to bet that apple juice was the first drink you’ve ever had because of the bias you have. In fact, apple juice was given a significant advantage of being the best compared to the juices that had just as much potential to become great but didn’t have access to the resources that you bestowed upon apple juice.”

“This is a meritocracy, Karkat! Apple juice got to the top because it had the skills to get to the top.”

“And apple juice only had the skills to get to the top because it was given the resources to enable it to get to the top.”

“And yet, you acknowledge that apple juice is at the top.”

“Eridan, can you tell this douche muffin to shut his fucking pie hole.”

“Kar, is this your way of telling me that you feel ashen towards me?”

“Oh my fucking god. No. Fuck no. Get your ashen quadrant ten thousand feet away from me, as well as what that comment implied. Just. No.”

“A simple no would have sufficed.” Eridan said.

“What exactly did that comment imply?” Dave questioned.

“...Are you seriously asking me that? Have you lost every single one of your brain cells to not be able to recognize what Eridan is implying with his questioning of my ashen intentions?”

“I am seriously asking you this, dude. I’ve never really understood the whole thing going on with troll romance, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain it to me in big block letters in all caps at the top of the page.”

"Where the shit do I even start? You didn't seem to have a problem when I rambled on forever about the romance in Etiquette and Espionage."

"To be fair, I do only know the most basic of basic things about troll romance. I would appreciate a brief rundown."

"Really? You're givin Kar over here permission to go on for fuckin ages about something he fucks up all the time? Good luck with that." Eridan scoffed.

"Excuse me, but have all of you figured out what you want to order?" The waitress appeared.

"Yeah, I'll have a bacon cheeseburger with fries, please."

"I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich." Eridan said.

"And I guess I'll have the turkey sandwich."

She wrote down your orders and left, leaving the three of you alone to bicker.

"Why would it matter if he fucks it up? Everyone fucks up romance at some point or another because it's all confusing, whether you are a human, troll, carapace, or leprechaun." Dave defended.

"Thank you. Now, do you want a brief run down of the quadrants or not?"

"I would."

"I would not." Eridan interrupted.

"Nobody asked you, Eridan." You clear your throat. "Anyway, the basics of troll romance starts with the quadrants being divided into redrom and blackrom, as well as concupiscent and conciliatory. They are represented by four different symbols. The heart is concupiscent redrom, and it is the most similar to human romance, so I'm not going to explain it that much. The diamond is conciliatory redrom, and it's similar to a best friend except more intimate and serious. Its purpose is to placate one another. The spade is concupiscent blackrom, and it is a quadrant based on a mutual feeling of both hate and respect. It's a rivalry in that respect. And then the club is conciliatory blackrom. This quadrant has three people, two of whom are a concupiscent blackrom relationship. The other person is there to make sure that the rivalry doesn't get so out of hand that they start killing each other. The third person tries to prevent this from happening. Do you understand?"

“I think so, but I don’t really know what ashen means?”

“Ashen is for the clubs. When someone feels ashen for someone else, it means that they feel the need to either placate those in the spades quadrant, or those in the spades quadrant feel the need to be placated by another.”

“So when Eridan asked if you felt ashen for him…”

“He was implying that we had a rivalry going on.”

“Oh.” Dave turned extremely red.

“Dave, are you okay? You almost look like you're choking.” You inquire.

“Oh my god!” Eridan shouted. “I really fuckin hope that you didn’t just invite me as a third wheel on some weird kind of date.”

“Eridan! Holy shit! I cannot believe that you think that Dave and I of all people in the entire world are dating. We are not dating.” You turn towards Dave. “Right?”

“Yep.” Dave confirmed. “One hundred percent not dating over here. We’re just two dudes being pals. Just some guys being bros. Best fucking bros for life, my man. The bestest of bros. The dudest of pals. The most hetero goddamned mates in all of existence.”

“If you say so.” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I’m lookin to get a new shirt. Maybe purple. I hear that the color is all the rage right now.”

“You say that every single time we go shopping. I know for a fact that it is only all the rage because your favorite color is purple, which is fine, I guess, but you really don’t have to justify liking the color by saying that it’s popular.”

“You’re the one who’s always telling me to wear a color that isn’t purple.”

“Okay! Fine! I’m completely one hundred percent guilty of doing that. What a fucking surprise.”

That was when your food came, and the waitress filled up your water glasses.

"Holy shit. This looks absolutely fantastic." Dave commented before digging into his food. "I was right. It is absolutely fantastic. And I also have this glorious beverage of the gods, regardless of what some people say."

"You sound like you're vague blogging, and that is honestly the most idiotic thing you could possibly do. If you have something to say to me, say it to my goddamned face with no semblance of subtlety. Forget vague blogging. Do attack blogging. Call me out in front of me. Risk a punch to the face, you fucking pansy."

"Are you really calling me a pansy for vague blogging in real life?"

"Yes. Are you going to fight me or not?"

"Wow, Kar. Way to be subtle."

"Shut your fucking mouth before I slice you in half with a chainsaw."

"Way to bring back memories."

"It's not my fault you pissed off Kanaya."

"Wait, wait, wait. I need to know what happened here." Dave interjected. "Kanaya is the one who owns Rosemary and is dating my sister, right? She seems like she wouldn't hurt a fly. What even happened to have Kanaya pissed at you? And what does it have to do with being sliced in half with a fucking chainsaw?"

"You would be surprised by how volatile Kanaya really is. She is very much into getting revenge from people, which is part of the reason I'm her moirail." You explain. "Anyway, the short version of the story is that Kanaya almost cut Eridan in half with a chainsaw because of reasons that are better left unsaid."

"Why a chainsaw?"

"That's the weapon Kan uses." Eridan said. "It transforms into lipstick, so she's more easily able to carry it around. It's fuckin terrifyin to see her use it."

"Never piss her off. Got it."

"It's more than just that. You have to make sure not to hurt the people she cares about either. Even if it is my job to take care of her and make sure that she doesn't kill anyone, I would like you to know in order to make my job at least a little bit easier."

"That is a reasonable thing to warn people about. I do not want to be cut in half by a chainsaw."

"At least one person sees reason."

"Who doesn't have the common sense not to make Kanaya angry if she tried to cut Eridan here in half?"

"Eridan."

"Excuse me, Kar, but I didn't know that she would actually try to cut me in half."

"Literally an hour before she cut off someone's legs in order to replace them with prosthetics."

"What the fuck." Dave's face was completely blank. "Why?"

"He was paralyzed from the waist down. Don't worry though. He did consent to it beforehand. Signed a legal document and everything. It wasn't like she just cut off his legs while he was asleep and unknowing of what she would be doing."

"Eridan. I have a question for you. How the fuck did you manage to think that Kanaya would not cut you in half if you made her mad?" Dave questioned.

Eridan ignored the question by eating his food.

"You can't avoid the question forever." Dave said.

"He can, and he will." You said. "I know this for a fact. I'm still trying to figure what the flying fuck happened between him and Sollux at the party last year."

"He's kept it from you for an entire fucking year?"

"I know, right? Unbelievable. That, or he forgot what happened at some point."

"You know that I'm right fuckin here, right? I'm not just an invisible block for you to talk about in any way you please?"

"Oh, shit. Sorry." Dave apologized. "Wait, what were we even talking about before this entire mess?"

"We were talkin about what clothes to get while at the store."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Okay, so, you said you wanted a shirt of some sort."

"Can we also get you some pants, too? I'm tired of seeing you in pinstripe pants all the fucking time."

"What's wrong with pinstripe pants?"

"Nothing. However, wearing them as often as you do kind of lessens how stylish they are."

"If you think they're so stylish, why are you on my case all the time about getting some new pants?"

"I literally just told you, but, since you need to hear my reason once again, I'm so fucking tired of seeing them on your body. You've beaten a dead horse with those pants, and it is time to move on."

"Maybe I'll just get another pair of pinstripe pants just to spite you."

"It pisses me off that you would actually do something that petty."

"Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't do something at least that petty at any given time?"

"An actual good friend."

"It's not like you're yelling at Sollux for doing shit like that."

"I do that all the fucking time. God, Eridan. It's like you're as observant as a brick fucking wall. Every social interaction that occurs goes right over your head. I swear to god you wouldn't even notice if someone was blatantly flirting with you, and you blatantly flirt with anyone that you think might be interested in you."

"Hey! I don't flirt with everyone!"

"You flirted with me of all people, and that is saying something."

"How is that saying anything?" Dave interrupted. "You're cute as hell. Anyone who says you're not is very clearly lacking in proper eyesight. And I know you're a pretty angry person, but you're pretty fun to hang out with and talk to. So, I just don't understand why you would think that someone flirting with you was some sort of bizarre happening that occurs once for every ten hundred flying pigs created."

Eridan just kind of stared at Dave for a brief moment before finding his wits and speaking.

"Dave, are you saying that you have flirted with Kar before?"

"What? No, no. I have not flirted with Karkat over here before, I swear. I just stated the fact that he is cute. Nothing wrong with that."

Eridan looked over to you with a questioning look.

"He definitely flirted with me."

"Lies. Lies and slander." Dave proclaimed, his face red.

"You most certainly flirted with me. I'm just stating a fact." You probably look super smug right now.

"What did he say?" Eridan questioned.

"He really just said I was cute, and he seems to mention it every time we talk to each other."

"That doesn't seem to be a clear reason to be defensive about you saying nobody flirts with you."

"Hey! Excuse me!" Dave yelled at the waitress for their table. "Could we have the check, please? I'll pay for everyone here."

The waitress nodded and left to go get their check.

"Eridan, don't you find it strange that Dave chose that moment to ask for the check?"

"Yeah, Kar. It was very strange."

"Could you two maybe shut the fuck up. We are not in psychology here. It doesn't go any deeper than the fact that Karkat is cute, so could we go back to talking about clothes or something?"

"I guess." You drop the subject. "I don't really know what to get, but I might get a new sweater."

"You do not need a new sweater." Eridan said.

"Says who?"

"Says me. You have enough sweaters to choke someone!"

"I only need one sweater to choke someone." You respond.

"Edgy." Dave commented. "How many sweaters do you even have? It can't be that many."

"Dave. I don't think you understand. Kar over here has an entire closet just dedicated to his sweaters. I'm not even joking. He has plenty of sweaters."

"I will not be satisfied until every orifice of my household is sweaters. I need enough sweaters to be able to chock ten hundred men, each with a different sweater. I need enough sweaters to be able to wear a different one every single day for the rest of my life, and that still won't be enough. You cannot just tell me that I have an absurd amount of sweaters when I clearly will never have enough."

"I see." Dave said. "So, what I'm getting from this is that you have way too many sweaters for a singular person to have, and Eridan has way too many pinstripe pants. Fantastic."

"Okay, so we all have a clothing item we have way too many of. Big fucking surprise. What clothing item do you have way too much of?" You interrogate.

"Here's the check. I'll be back for it later." The waitress came up and gave them the check, which Dave immediately grabbed.

"I'm paying, and there's nothing you guys can do about it."

"What? No. I'm going to be paying, you douche muffin." You argue. "I'm the one who chose the restaurant and brought us out here."

"Dave, just let Kar pay. He won't rest until he does."

"Nope. Look at that. My credit card is all snug and cozy up in this check. There is no way that you can convince me that you're going to pay. And would you look at that? It's gone now. All ready to pay for our meal and shit. Should have been faster."

And there went the check with the waitress. Goddamn it.

"Fine, you reeking pile of shit. But I swear that I am going to be the one paying next time."

"Deal."

"Wow. I don't think anyone has ever successfully stolen the check from Karkat. Then again, most people just let him pay."

"It was a one-time thing. This is the one and only time anyone, and I do mean anyone is paying for a meal that I had with them."

"Is that a challenge?" Dave questioned.

"No. It was not a challenge. It is not a challenge at fucking all. Instead, it is a guarantee that I am going to be the one paying for future meals that I have with you, you sack of public school cafeteria food."

"Scathing. Are you sure that you are not the ruler of the insult kingdom? Because you are fantastic at coming up with those on the fly."

"Insults aren't a literary device, fuckass." You say. "Besides, your literary device kingdoms are dumb and idiotic."

"You only think that because you haven't decided on a literary device kingdom to rule."

"That's because I don't give a singular fuck about it." You look around. "Do you see any fucks? I am seeing a severe lack of fucks. Do you know if that's bad for the economy or environment or something? Is my inability to give a fuck a hazard to the world? I look around, and I see nothing. Nothing has changed from me not giving a fuck. Clearly, the amount of fucks I give doesn't change the state of the universe. It is still just as shitty as the last time I didn’t give a fuck."

"I don't understand. What's this about literary device kingdoms?" Eridan questioned.

"It's this dumb thing that Dave randomly asked me at some point, and now he won't stop pestering me about it."

"It is not dumb. It is very important to figure out what literary device kingdom you would rule. You just have to choose the literary device that you most use or the one you feel embodies you as an individual."

"That's actually pretty interesting."

"Eridan! I can't believe you are on his side!" You shout.

"What! It is interesting! And it's a perfectly fine thing to ask, you know. It's not hurtin anybody."

"Except my think pan from listening to this douchebag over and over."

"And yet, you still refuse to give me an answer. At this rate, I'm going to have to choose something for you."

"Fine! I'll rule the kingdom of metaphors! Are you happy now?"

"What, no. I rule the kingdom of metaphors. There's only room for one ruler in this town. Or kingdom as the case may be."

The waitress had returned Dave's credit card, and the three of you were soon out of the restaurant and making your way towards the mall.

"What about me?" Eridan whined. "What literary device kingdom am I going to rule?"

"Who the fuck knows? Do some research yourself if you're going to be so insistent on it." You say.

"The more pressing issue here is that Karkat is trying to take my throne in my metaphor kingdom."

"I don't want the throne. I just said metaphor so that you might shut up, but, clearly, it just made you even more talkative. And every single word that comes out of your mouth is a polluted waterfall that has killed every fish in it and has corroded away the rocks. Whatever issue you have is now deemed null due to how little I care. Congratulations. Now, if you would, please turn your attention on the subject to Eridan, who is very clearly more interested in this topic than I am."

"Alright, Eridan. You have been chosen to be the next in line in deciding what literary device you want to rule over. Pick anything."

"Hmmm." Eridan thought. "What even constitutes as a literary device?"

"Let's see. According to Google, it is a technique used to produce a special effect in writing. However, that seems like a super broad definition, so just go wild. Or maybe you can go with a genre or whatever."

"Then I guess I'll rule the kingdom of dystopia." Eridan nodded. "Yeah, that sounds cool."

"Eridan, you are such a fucking hipster." You comment.

"Oh, shut up, Kar."

The three of you entered the mall.

"Where are we going to go first?" Eridan asked.

"I was planning on just wandering around until I find something cool." Dave suggested.

"That's actually not a completely repulsive idea." You say. "Now we actually have a plan of some sort."

It didn't actually take long before Eridan was dragging you and Dave into some store that looked as if only the richest of people shopped there. Then again, Eridan was one of the richest of people, so it would make sense he wouldn't give a shit to how expensive things were.

"Look at this shirt! It's absolutely perfect!" Eridan declared. It was a purple, long-sleeved, collared shirt. He zoomed off to the dressing room to make sure that it fit.

"Okay, so I know that we established that Eridan is rich, but exactly how rich is he?" Dave whispered to you.

"Super fucking rich. Why do you think he dragged us into this rhinestone infested place?"

"Point taken. But still. None of the stuff in this place is really my style."

"What do you think?" Eridan dramatically opened the curtain he was behind.

"Looking good." Dave gave him a thumbs up.

"You look less horrible than usual."

"Thanks, Kar. I'll be getting this then."

Once Eridan had paid for his shirt, you all went to a more affordable place.

"Karkat." Dave said after a few minutes of searching. "I found the most perfect thing."

"What is it?"

Dave pulled a pair of pastel pink jeans off the rack.

"Look at this shit. Beautiful. I'm going to look for my size, and then I'm going to try it on."

"Alright. To the dressing room we go, I guess. Eridan! Dave is going to try something on! We're going to go judge his decision like good friends!"

"Okay, Kar. You don't have to yell."

"I always have to yell."

"Why do you two like this store anyway? It's all cheap clothing that isn't very good quality." Eridan complained.

"We like it because it is cheap. Not everyone can be rich like you, Eridan."

"Check it." Dave showed off his pastel pink jeans, which actually looked really good on him.

"I'm not mad at it." You say. Eridan looks at you in awe.

"You actually said something that wasn't completely negative about the clothing."

"Huh. I suppose he did just tell you that you didn't look as bad in your purple shirt. I feel like this is at least the second time something like this has happened in terms of my interactions with Karkat."

"What was the first?" Eridan questioned.

"I made him laugh when I first met him, and Kanaya came running, saying how Karkat laughing was such a rare occurrence."

"You did what?" Eridan looked absolutely flabbergasted. "He never laughs! At least, I have no memory of him laughing."

"Shut up and buy the pants already." You yell at Dave.

"Are we not going to look around for more items of clothing to be worn by one of us?"

"I guess if you really want to."

"Fantastic. Let's find a sweater for you." Dave said.

"He does not need another sweater." Eridan claimed.

"Well, based on Karkat's eloquent speech earlier about how he could not possibly ever have enough sweaters, he clearly does need another sweater."

"At least there is one person here who understands the necessity of a shit ton of sweaters."

You and Dave search for more clothes while Eridan grumbled, and soon you found several clothing items you and Dave wanted to try on.

"What do you think of this?" You were wearing an oversized white sweater with a family of crabs on the front. Dave was wearing a pair of lime green jeans.

"That is the cutest goddamned sweater I have ever seen."

"Thanks. Your pants are awful and way too fucking bright."

"I agree with Karkat on this one." Eridan piped in. "Those pants make you look like a hot mess."

"That's fair, but I do have more things to show y'all."

You and Dave go back into the dressing rooms and continue to get each other's opinions on clothes you picked out. By the time you were done trying on clothes, you had at least three items you really wanted to purchase.

"I guess we can go to the cashier and buy all this sweet loot now." Dave said.

"After you guys buy your shit, could we go to a store that doesn't have the lowest quality shit I have ever seen in my life?"

"Why not? Karkat and I are pretty happy with what we're buying, right?"

"I guess you can go to your hipster stores.”

Eridan lit up and allowed you and Dave to go purchase your clothing items before dragging you off into another expensive looking store.

In the end, Eridan ended up with the most clothing items purchased. Bit surprise. He was, after all, the richest of the three of you.

"Well, I had a great time." Dave said once you all had gotten to the parking lot. "Maybe we could do it again sometime."

"It wouldn't be the worst way to spend my time. Just pester me or whatever if you want to do something." You respond, and you and Eridan get into your car.

"Kar, that was a whole lot of flirtin that was going on there." Eridan said. "And you never act that nice to people. At the very least, I've never seen you act that nicely to anyone."

"Eridan, I have no idea what you're talking about." You claim.

"No idea what I'm talkin about? I say that's a whole load of bull. I mean, yeah, you insulted him once in awhile, but those insult didn't hold nearly as much fire as your usual insults do."

"Eridan, I already have a moirail."

"What! I know that! I'm merely questioning if you have any feelings for Cogsinthegodshead."

"Are you seriously going to use his Grubtube name while talking to me?"

"It's a significant thing, Kar. He's practically famous after the video where he reviewed your rant."

"That's because of the memes."

"I still don't know what memes you're talkin about, and I have a feeling you will refuse to tell me."

"You would be completely right about that."

"But I would at least like to know if you're feelings for him are red or black because I really can't tell. Then again, I’m in a similar boat myself."

"Oh, yeah. That's right. You never did tell me who you had feelings for. Or even if you figured out if they were red or black."

"That's because I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it might be more red. I still don't want to tell you who it is though."

"That's fair. And, Eridan? As much as I platonically hate you, I wish you luck in your romantic endeavors. Just don't come to me when you are going to talk about how much sex you had."

"Kar!"

"What? It's not something I want to hear about." You frown. "And I don't have any feelings for Dave."

"Really?"

"Really. Now get the fuck out of the car before I remove you myself, you festering pile of ten-year-old fish."

"Alright. Alright. I'm leaving."

Once Eridan had removed himself from your car, you drove back home. You went to your computer and saw that someone was trolling you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: Karkat I Recently Had The Most Lovely Date With Rose GA: We Went To The Art Museum And Talked About The Various Outfits And Scenery Of The Paintings GA: In Addition We Went To A Coffee Shop And Spoke About Several Books We Both Happened To Take An Interest In

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.

GA: It Was Very Pleasant

CG: DID YOU TWO DO ANYTHING ELSE?

GA: We Did Kiss At The End Of The Date Which Was Really Quite Nice

CG: I’M GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD DATE. CG: AND YOU MANAGED NOT TO KILL SOMEONE DUE TO THEM SAYING SHIT?

GA: I Opted To Restrain Myself GA: Not That Anyone Actually Said Anything GA: The Lack Of Negative Phrases Certainly Made The Date More Enjoyable GA: Why About You GA: Did You Do Anything Of Interest Today GA: Or Did You Decide That It Was Best To Stay Inside All Day On Your Day Off GA: I Know That Is What You Usually Do But It Does Not Hurt To Ask

CG: I ACTUALLY DID DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN FONDLE MY SHAME GLOBES INDOORS ALL DAY.

GA: Do Tell

CG: I WENT OUT TO A RESTAURANT WITH DAVE AND ERIDAN. CG: AND THEN WE WENT SHOPPING AT THE MALL.

GA: Did You Buy Anything That Was Not A Sweater

CG: YES. CG: I BOUGHT FOOD.

GA: Karkat You Need More Than Just Sweaters In Your Closet

CG: I DO HAVE MORE THAT JUST SWEATERS IN MY CLOSET! CG: I HAVE JEANS, SWEATPANTS, AND A SUIT.

GA: Having Enough Sweaters To Choke A Man While Having Only Having Enough Pants To Last A Week Does Not Constitute A Proper Wardrobe

CG: AS LONG AS I HAVE CLOTHES ON MY BODY, I WON’T GET ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY.

GA: I GA: I Guess So GA: But My Statement Still Stands GA: And You Really Went With Eridan Of All People

CG: I KNOW YOU HATE HIM, BUT I CAN STILL HANG OUT WITH WHO I WANT TO.

GA: I Am Fully Aware Of That And My Platonic Hatred Towards Him Should Not Affect Whether Or Not You Make The Decision To Speak With Him In A Friendly Manner GA: I Am Merely Questioning Your Choice To Go Shopping With Him GA: As Far As I Know He Still Wears Those Horrible Capes And Pinstripe Pants Everywhere He Goes

CG: I WAS MOSTLY TRYING TO HELP HIM WITH HIS FASHION SENSE BECAUSE HE’S APPARENTLY FLUSHED FOR SOMEONE.

GA: That Is Certainly Something That Most Definitely Took Me Off Guard And I Did Not Expect At All GA: That Was Sarcasm In Case You Could Not Tell GA: Who Is It

CG: FUCK IF I KNOW. CG: HE DIDN’T TELL ME.

GA: That Is A Shame GA: You Know How I Love Talking And Learning About What Others Are Up To GA: Even If That Other Person Seems To Have A Different Crush On Someone Every Month

CG: YEAH, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE PREVIOUSLY TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW IF HE FELT RED OR BLACK FOR THE PERSON.

GA: Really

CG: YEAH, REALLY.

GA: That Is Unusual GA: He Typically Figures It Out Almost Immediately

CG: THAT’S WHY IT’S WEIRD. CG: IT’S POSSIBLE THAT THE CRUSH MAY LAST A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME THAN USUAL.

GA: That Is Something To Gossip About GA: I Would Appreciate It If You Could Keep Me Updated On How That Goes

CG: I’LL BE SURE TO DO THAT.

GA: You Also Mentioned Going Out With Dave GA: How Was That

CG: IT WAS FINE.

GA: Only Fine GA: You Appeared To Get Along With Him A Little Better Than Your Outing Merely Being Fine

CG: IT WAS ENJOYABLE. CG: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

GA: Quite GA: Also I Would Appreciate It If You Informed Dave That His Suit Will Be Ready For Fitting Soon GA: Tell Him To Come To The Shop At Two Pm For It GA: I Have Already Informed Rose But I Do Not Have Daves Contact Information And I Would Very Much Like To Make Sure That He Has Been Notified

CG: ALRIGHT. CG: I’LL GO DO THAT NOW.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY. CG: DUDE WHO RUNS THE MOST INSUFFERABLE CHANNEL KNOWN TO HUMANS AND ALIENS ALIKE. CG: DAVE. CG: IT STANDS FOR DOUCHE, ASSHOLE, VAIN, AND ENRAGING.

TG: no actually it stands for delightful amazing vain and enchanting

CG: YOU LEFT VAIN IN THERE.

TG: no shit my dude sometimes youve just gotta accept what life has given to you TG: and i know im absolutely fucking gorgeous and am therefore vain TG: not going to deny that shit

CG: THAT’S FAIR.

TG: should i try to do it with your name

CG: I HAVE A FEELING YOU’RE STILL GOING TO DO IT EVEN IF I PROTEST AGAINST IT. CG: GO AHEAD. CG: GIVE ME YOUR WORST.

TG: kranky arousing radical kranky aggravating and traitor TG: *arduous

CG: … CG: I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO START WITH THE TWO “KRANKYS” OR THE FACT YOU PUT AROUSING THERE FIRST BEFORE CORRECTING IT TO ARDUOUS.

TG: you could just tell me what you were going to tell me

CG: I GUESS I COULD SET ASIDE MY QUESTIONING FOR LATER. CG: KANAYA WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD COME TO ROSEMARY ON WEDNESDAY AT TWO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR FITTING DONE FOR YOUR SUIT.

TG: oh shit the suit is done already TG: its been like two weeks

CG: IT’S NOT DONE YET. CG: YOU HAVE TO GET IT FITTED FIRST, AND THEN YOU GET TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS IN ORDER FOR YOUR CUSTOM SUIT TO ACTUALLY FIT YOU.

TG: righty tighty sounds alrighty

CG: THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF LOOKING AT.

TG: wait until you hear it in person

CG: THAT WOULD BE THE SECOND WORST THING I COULD EVER LISTEN TO.

TG: what about the first

CG: YOUR CHANNEL.

TG: ouch TG: anyway ive got to go now TG: my videos dont make themselves after all

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: I HAVE DONE THE DEED.

GA: Thank You But Do You Really Have To Sound Like You Just Killed Someone When In Fact You Did Not And Likely Never Will

CG: YES.

GA: Carry On Then GA: <>

CG: <>

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --