#when you can't even articulate to like. your mom or your therapist what kind of help you need

[justthatspiffy]

it is tuesday evening, i am filled with a profound sense of loneliness

[somedumbmotherfucker]

Realization (that sinking feeling that something is wrong and you can't quite put your finger on it...)

This is going to be super long and rambly but I need to say this for my own sake. Also this will probably be the only post of this kind I make. If I need to make more, it's going on a side blog. This is also completely different from anything else I have put on this blog so feel free to not read it if you want. Mentions of child abuse, suicide, depression, and self destruction I have shitty parents. It's not something I realized over night (it's something that I'm still having trouble accepting for some reason) or the realization I came to today. The realization I came to today is the fact that I push people away. I instinctively and unknownly push people away from me. Life long friends, family members, and therapists. I push them all away because I have learned time and time again that opening up to people and letting people get to know me will inevitably lead to them shunning me and/or hating me. The two people that taught me this lesson over and over until it was drilled into my head were my mother and father. My dad wasn't absent, but he was rarely home until late at night and although my mom was always there, she never had the time to pay attention to my emotional needs with all the housework and the seven other kids to take care of. She was and still is deeply religious and tried to instill those beliefs into us. I remember very distinctly one time my mom caught me lying about something insignificant and her forcing me to hold this rancid tasting liquid in my mouth for a minute to "wash my mouth." I think she wanted me to stop lying but in truth it made scared of her catching me doing anything she didn't like. She also use to spank us when we were younger. I remember her going out of her way to pick things that hurt more. A thin stick, a plastic paddle with holes in it that she claimed made have less wind resistance, and a large wooden paddle. I was really extroverted as a kid, but I don't feel comfortable around people in general now. My mom use to say that parents love their children unconditionally, but that was never the case for her. The most recent and honestly almost all consuming example of her love for me being very conditional was when I came out. She told me in quite a few words that I don't konw anything and that because I'm a kid, I can't understand how I feel. At one point she even straight up told me that she wishes she could put me in conversion therapy. She never tries to understand anything I tell her about how I'm felling or what I'm thinking and when my siblings and I have a legitimate problem with her she deflects and plays the victim. If things don't fit into her neat little worldview than it's perverse or wrong and she either tries to manipulate you into siding with her/making you question yourself or she ignores it and acts like it's not there. Both options make me want to scream and tear my hair out, but I also just don't care anymore. My dad was something too. the two of the work together a lot in the manipulation bullshit. My dad would come home and if my mom didn't want to deal with whatever one of us did to bother her she would get my dad to deal with it. He would use his belt to spank us. I remember it hurting so much worse than anything my mom did. He didn't care if I was actually hurt afterwards. Nowadays, they can't pull that shit so they manipulate. My mom will be told something she doesn't like by my siblings or I, she'll whine to my dad, he'll get mad at us while my mom plays the victim. Rinse and repeat. I remember as a kid, going out of my way to make friends. I could be fast friends with almost anyone and if they needed me I would be there. I'm still there for my friends if they need me but I can't walk up to someone and strike up conversation. I feel scared that they will know what I'm thinking and hate me for it. That's the thing that hurts me the most. I know why I don't try to make friends. If my own parents don't care about me than who will? Since the age nine, I was suicidal. I'm not anymore, but since my seventeenth birthday I've been reflecting back and that why I've been realizing all these things. I never understood why I wanted to die when I was that age, but I knew that at least part if the reason was because I felt unloved by my parents. I remember me at nine sitting alone in my room in a little cubby hole very calmly contemplating the best and quickest way to die. I had an image of myself hanging by a noose in my head. A dot I never connected until I was older was that the bulk of my suicidal thoughts and depression were closely intertwined with me learning about puberty. I had tried to articulate my emotions to my mom a few times during that period of my life to her explaining that I felt unloved and abandoned, but of course, my mom deflected. She didn't even consider the notion that maybe she was doing something wrong. I ended up being sent to a therapist because my mom didn't want to try and deal with my issues. I stopped going to that therapist after a few months and went back to dealing with my problems the only way I know how. Completely and utterly alone. It took me five years of depression and a couple of suicide attempts before I realized I am trans. I made the mistake of coming out only a few months after. As I mentioned above, my mom didn't try to listen or understand as usual. Her reaction and my dad's reaction sent me spiraling even deeper into depression than before. to this day I feel like an idiot or like a while little kid when ever I try to come out. My heart races and my throat constricts. I am not proud of who I am because of her and as much as I want to not give her so much credit, it's so fucking hard to separate her from everything. After I came out she decided to put me into therapy again so she wouldn't have to deal with it. So she wouldn't have to deal with me. I had stopped caring about anything after that. I was in an incredibly distructive mood. I didn't care out my health. I didn't shower or brush my teeth. I eat either way too much or not enough. I ate foods that I know I shouldn't because I felt that it was pointless to care. I hated my body so much I tried to destroy it from the inside. It was after a doctor appointment that I realized that. I try again with my mom. I tried to explain and it went worse in terms of her listening to me, but I gained something so much more valuable. I gained self respect. and while I still have problems coming out and the things they did still leave a mark on me and will for the rest of my life most likely, I realized that I don't need my mom's validation and that I just need to love myself. Before now, I had never opened up to anyone fully, but I'm taking a leap. I need to prove to myself that opening up isn't a negative thing and that it can be healing and positive. It will help crumble the bs and lies my parents forced into me. Even if no one reads this, I need to do this for myself.