#when yn asked if the moon was beautiful and rin answered yes i just cried loudly

[orchid3a]

12:18AM | HAITANI RINDOU

Title: My Knight In Shining Armour

Summary: It's Rindou's last night with you before your marriage, perhaps it's time to for you and your bodyguard to get some truths off your chests. (This is part of @orchid3a royal au collab, the link to which is here) link to my masterlist here!

cw: afab!reader, references to Greek myth, petnames (princess, my lady), some suggestive content, angst with little comfort, mentions of an arranged marriage, reader and Rindou are simps. Likes and reblogs appreciated!

You think destiny is a fickle and funny thing and perhaps it always has been. Perhaps the heroes of the stories said the same thing, raged insults at the same moon and the same sun as they flew towards it. At the same problems that persisted no matter how far in the future they were. Perhaps those stories should serve as a comfort to you now, their lessons immortalised as legends.

Every human believes they’re above it all, believes the laws of nature apply to everyone that isn’t them. You’re no different. You think of Medusa crying to Athena in the temple, a life’s worth of rage at the Fates that had cackled as they wove the fabric of her story, golden threads held between crooked fingers. You think of Achilles holding Patroclus’s dead body, his sights set on Hector with a vitriol that was almost godly, almost divine, enough anger to rival the sun. 

Should it bother you this much? That you’ll be wed to a man you’ve never met in under a week, Queen to a people who will find fault in every action. Should it bother you that you’re denied the happy ending that the Princesses in the stories always get? You know you’ve no right to complain like this, that you’ll be waited on, servants and maids who would rather die than disobey and it makes an ugly shame pool in your stomach. 

‘The moon is beautiful tonight, is it not?’ You say, and your hand holds up your chin on the white windowsill, your gown falling over the lip of the bench and catching the eaves of moonlight that spill through the glass. 

‘Princess?’ Rindou says. He steps closer into the slice of light that illuminated the marble floor, the clink of his armour brushing the soft wool of your shawl, before following the line of your sight. ‘Yes. Yes it is.’ 

He looks beautiful like this, with the moonlight slicing through the stained glass, falling through the thin wisps of his silken hair, blue and lilac, lavender and stars and the burnished honey of his skin swallowing the light like it belongs to him. It does, it feels like it does. His armour is unblemished, it always has been. He takes great care to appear his best to you, strong and worthy and capable and willing to take your hand when you stand and he thinks, no he knows, this is just his duty. He is your Knight, your bodyguard in all things. 

‘I don’t think we’ll ever have nights like this when I leave will we?’ Your lips part and a sigh drips past your lips, despairing and achingly full of the years that sit between you. It’s true, you know that, you’ve a lifetime of learning etiquette and social grace and you’d be remiss to assume that things can stay the same. In your new life, Rindou will not be welcome like he is now, the moon to your sun, the light of your eyes, the comfort of your heart.

There will never be nights overlooking the veranda, sitting in some nook or corner with his legs brushing yours. The library has always been your favourite place to stay, the two of you overlooking the gardens conspiratorially, like lovers tittering in the corner at a ball. He talks often and much when he is alone, the silences permeated by the creak and whine of wind leaking through the gaps in the windows, draughts that make the hairs on your arms rise. And Rindou will always pull the shawl a little closer around you, always click his tongue affectionately and you find that those moments are the ones you enjoy the most, when he is closer than normal, his calloused knuckles achingly close.

It’s wrong.

It always has been. You’ve never spoken about it, and you have no plans to confess that what you feel for him is anything other than a royal sense of duty, that the longing looks and smiles reserved just for him are anything but the same grace you would extend to anyone else, anyone who wasn’t him.

‘No, I don’t expect we will.’ He shifts his legs, knees brushing yours as he sits on the bench, his broad chest hunkered by the clink and clamour of armour that he feels is too loud in the otherwise silent library. ‘You’ll be very preoccupied when you leave, you’ll have a husband to spend your time with instead.’ 

It aches somewhere he thinks his heart should be, the knowledge that another man will get to touch you, hold you, hear you, in every way he can only dream of, that the locked doors of his fantasies will be lived by someone who isn’t him. A man whose face he’ll only ever see from a distance but will share your bed and slide his hands over your skin and it burns him with a jealousy that’s red and hot and pulses with pain in his chest.  In his daydreams, you are his, he belongs to you and he finds that he settles into that life easier than expected. Loving you, and being loved by you, is not as hard as he assumes it would be and the domestic bliss comes easily to him. He lets down his walls on occasion and you welcome him, as you always have done, with open arms and he rests his head on your chest and listens for the soft and reassuring pattern of your heart. 

But it’s a dream, it will always be a dream. 

It’s almost thrilling in some sinful way, to have you to himself like this, your attention that he so often shares with others, reserved for him when you are bare of your jewels and gowns, the thin slip and slide of your sleeping gown that kisses at your skin in a way that makes the heat burst along his neck. He imagines he is not the first, and he certainly doesn’t expect to be the last to long for you in such a way, to want to feel the push and pull of you against his chest, to rest you there with your hair tickling at his throat, to want to keep you for himself. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier for him though, to watch the suitors line up in brocade suits, lecherous grins concealed by masquerade masks and blithe smiles, their lips lingering for a second too long on your hand and your amicable smile twitching with a flicker of annoyance only he can see.

But it’s wrong.

It always has been, and no amount of self-denial can convince him that what he daydreams about in the locked corner of his mind is anything but sinful, anything but wrong. You are his Princess, and he is just your Knight and if his destiny is to trail after you forever, like night and her train of stars, just to bathe a little longer in your warmth, be the recipient of your reserved smiles, then he is content just to do that. 

‘What if I didn’t want to go, Rindou? What if I don’t want this?’ You say, and your whisper fogs up the glass from where your lips purse as you hold your chin in your hands. You know that is wrong too, that this is your duty just like all things are, that love is fickle and duty is forever and love is to duty what poison is to fruit.

Rindou softens and his hand almost touches your knee on instinct before clenching his fist with anxiety and a longing that makes him sick. ‘I’m sorry Princess. I can’t pretend to know how that feels, only that I think you should do what you feel is best for you.’

‘I’ll have to leave you behind, do you know that?’

‘I do.’

‘You’re not bothered by that? By the fact that we’ll never see each other again?’

He swallows and breaks your stare, lets the violet hue of his eyes fall onto the rosebush that’s cloaked in darkness, petals viridescent in the light. A muscle feathers in his jaw and a frown creases the perfect smoothness of his forehead and you have the sudden urge to soothe it with your thumbs, curl your fingers along his cheek and swipe his lips to watch them part for you. He resists the urge to look back at you, at your eyes that catch the light, the stained glass that makes your skin glow with warmth.

It’ll eat him at first, the absence of you that’ll gnaw at his stomach will force him to push himself further. He knows how it’ll be, pushing himself further in training, in work, in anything and his Brother will hope that he can push a few girls his way in the hopes of helping him forget and Rindou will wait eagerly for the letters which will never come. And the girl that will never come with it. 

‘I am Princess.’ He curls his fingers around his sword hilt, licks his drying lips and all the while, his eyes rake over the rosebush in bloom, budding petals drifting to the ground, where they kiss the specks of sand and leaves that litter the veranda. ‘But it’s your duty, just like looking after you is mine.’

And maybe, if it could have been some other way, in some other world where he is not him and you are not you and there are no such obstacles. Maybe in that world he is just a boy in love with a girl and you are his only, the truest example of lovers under the sun. He would find you if it existed, if there was such a thing as a world where you could meet as anyone but who you are. Perhaps he could kiss you freely there, with a hand around your back like the suitors do, better than they do in fact, because he knows he loves you enough, loves you more, to the point of pain in fact.

You turn to him, brush your knees against his and Rindou’s heart smashes against his ribs. ‘Do you ever wish it wasn’t? That we could just…run away?’ you say, indulging the daydream in a way that you know is impossible, that it’s dangerous to even suggest, improbable and bordering on treasonous, wrong in every sense of the word. 

‘Princess?’ he says and his chest aches, burns and tightens with that familiar longing for you all over again and the pain is both delicious and agonising as your knees press against his, the moonlight falling on the exposed sweep of your collarbones peeking from beneath your gown.

It’s your last night with him, you know this, you have known for weeks. Does the knowledge make it any easier? Does knowing that he’ll eventually find another girl make it easier or harder for you? Does knowing that another man will touch you in the way you have both knowingly and unknowingly reserved for him make it any less painful?

‘We could,’ you say eventually, although your heart isn’t in it, and maybe you say it because it’s soothes the pain to indulge in it, the fantasy of the two of you in a house somewhere, where everything is safe and your heart lies in his palm, secure and loved and cradled. 

‘You know we couldn’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘We’d be found, you’re a Princess and I’m just-’

‘Don’t. Don’t ever say that.’ You grab his wrist and your thumb finds the sharp incline of his palm and you press a painted finger into the space there, stroke it achingly slow, feeling the calloused skin underneath. You wonder at all it has seen, all the blood that’s splashed over onto his fine and polished armour, the horrors that he has witnessed, both at your behest and not and it burns that you can’t take it from him and cradle his head to your chest and give all the love you both feel and think he deserves. 

‘It’s true though,’ he says and his hand comes to rest on top of yours, brushing your knuckles free of scars, tiny clefts and indentations he wishes he could explore given the time, to marvel at the ridges and veins that swim underneath. ‘It would never work, you know that Princess. You needn’t suffer over something that was never going to happen.’ 

He says it for the both of you, knowing it won’t help either way to assuage the thunderous ache that builds in his stomach when he thinks of someone else having you undeserved. 

‘Do you think… it worked somewhere else?’ 

He raises an eyebrow and tilts his head, the soft wisps of fine hair slipping over the silver of his armour, curling at the hollow of his throat.

‘What do you mean?’

‘If we met again, somewhere else, you’d find me right? You’ll always find me.’ You hope it’s true, that maybe he reaches across time and fate to find you there, whether he believes in it or not, one outstretched hand towards your name on the wind, towards the golden thread that pulls him unknowingly to you. 

He smiles, bashfully even and dips his head to the ridge of your knuckles, presses his lips to the soft plane of your hand, his hair falling against your wrist, your exposed arm swallowing the moonlight and it sends the heat to your cheeks, your neck, the part of your chest that’s slipped between the folds of your gown, dizzying and wondrous and it aches that you can’t live in this feeling right here, in this library and let the the world rot and die around the two of you.

‘I will always find you Princess. You only have to call and I’ll come and catch you.’

‘Every time?’ Your voice wavers, the tears pricking at your throat, at the bang of your heart in your chest.

‘Every time.’

‘Oh.’ And it’s your turn to flush a deep crimson now, and hide it in the shadow of darkness that falls over the window seat from the bookcase that hides you strategically from view. He knows you need to hear it, even if he doesn’t care for fate or destiny or the things heroes tell themselves to sleep easier at night, even if he’s willing to make an exception to the rule that’s saved him so many times, for you. 

He touches your cheek, one single finger brushing at the stray eyelash on your cheekbone and the bump in his throat slips and slides under the silver of his armour, disappearing beneath the links of chainmail that hide the ink of his chest from view. You’re ashamed to admit you’ve thought so long and hard about running your tongue along every ridge and muscle of his, the flex of his stomach under your waiting mouth, the groan that spills past his parted lips when you suck harshly on the inviting swell of his chest, fine hairs like pencil shadings disappearing beneath the cord of his slacks to where you want to taste him most. 

You bite down hard on your lip, your eyes flitting between the viridescent flash of violet in his and his pink lips, parted and wet and you know they’d be supple and soft, would slot perfectly on yours and he’d moan against your mouth and you’d forget for the moment that you could be found in your clandestine and sinful state of him moving against you.

‘I-’

‘It’s alright, I understand,’ you say, with more fervour than you feel, more confident than you could ever be around him, because you know he needs to hear it, that you understand and you want to, and it would be so easy to bridge the gap and have him ruin you in the way you know he wants to, hungry and insatiable and loud, your eager whines of his name muffled beneath his leather glove clamped over your mouth. 

‘I want to, I really do.’ He could, if he was anything less than what he is, if it didn’t matter to him that another man would see the marks he’d painted on your skin and hurt you for it, for his own greed that would come at the price of your tears. It’s a risk that even he, the most reckless, unpredictable, aggressive of the Knights can’t take, would never take at your expense. For all his faults, he is redeemed by you, the sun that spills into and out of his life.

‘I know, me too.’ 

‘I’m sorry, for hurting you like this’ he says, the whisper of his breath fanning against your nose. He breaks your gaze, and presses his forehead to your knuckles, his lips, as if he can carve it into you, as it it makes it any less painful to feel him kneeling for you, ever loyal, knowing your heart is in every kink of his armour, wound tightly between his fingers. 

‘I’m sorry too.’ You sniffle, and the tears are lost in the soft cashmere of your shawl, in the white and ivory lace of your sleeping gown. You take his face in your hands and it aches that when he looks up at you, his eyes are wide and the moon spills the opalescent veneer of its light onto his lashes, the violet hue lightened to lilac. 

There is a terse silence, broken only by the flutter of the wind leaking between the stacks of books and wooden shelves, the crackle of fire that casts a faint orange glow over the honeyed bronze of his skin. 

‘Rindou,’ you say. 

‘Princess,’ he says, weighted with all the years of your friendship, even after it had blossomed into something more.

‘Rindou, My Rindou.’

‘Your Rindou, and you’re My Princess.’ 

It has a foreign flutter beating against your chest.

‘That’s right.’ You skim your thumb along his cheek, the high and sharp slope of his perfect cheekbones, the nose that’s a little crooked from all the fighting, the cut in his lip that he never takes care of after sparring. ‘You will write often won’t you?’

‘Of course, you will write back?’

‘I will, always. You will be tired of me soon, filling your days with useless chatter.’

‘I could never tire of you, My Lady,’ he says and it’s true, because for all your belief, that you are just simply too much for others, that the burden of you is greater than the reward, you are just right for him. If only he had more time to prove it. 

‘I’ll be bored without you, you know. I’ll be so lonely.’ You wonder briefly, at the man who you will wake up to every morning, the weight of him, the fact that you will no longer reach across the space of your bed to find Rindou dozing in the chair, his gloved hand holding his chin as he fights the sleep to watch over you.

‘You’ll find friends, you won’t be alone,’ he says, placatingly, even though he knows the space the two of you have made, a closeted corner of each other’s hearts, can never be filled and will always remain locked and isolated.

He doesn’t expect it’ll continue for long, the correspondence you’ve promised. He knows how it is. That one day turns to two, and a week turns to a month and you’ll be having children and maybe his letters to you, written with all the heart he knows he can give, with the words he often finds so hard to say, will collect dust beneath the paperweight. If they ever get to you at all.

You bend to press your lips to his forehead, and Rindou thinks, the little heart he does have, the one you own, safely tucked beneath the sleeve of your shawl, breaks here when he feels your lips on his skin, soft and imperceptible, the scent of your perfume caught in his nose, the cotton of your sleeves dancing on his cheeks.

He wonders what his Brother would say if he saw him now, the harsh lump in his throat threatening tears, the thunderous roar of his heart.

‘Thank you Rindou,’ you say, your lips to his hair, knowing you won’t touch like this again, hoping that this gives him all the love you know he needs and will always pretend not to, because he’s like that, because he’s tough and capable and yours, beyond time, beyond this.

‘You too Princess. It’s been fun,’ he whispers and it feels like an end, like he is being crushed. Did it always hurt so much? When the heroes lived and died for love? Did Achilles burn with the same pain when Patroclus was taken? 

A door closes somewhere, the click of it banging against the wall and snapping the both of you into the present. A voice, and a shadow looming against the furthest wall and it means that’s the end. Come morning, you’ll be gone and Rindou will be here and maybe he’ll watch you leave, see you off like he should. Or maybe not.

He hopes that somewhere, in some lifetime it hurts less, that the two of you are happy and safe and there are no tears to shed, no painful endings to cry over for the both of you.

Somewhere, maybe.

a/n: hiii this is so late omg I am so sorry, I was meant to post this like two months ago, but big thanks to Aria for holding this collab it was very fun to write, I hope you enjoy it (pls don't burn me at the stake lol) I've never written a royal au before so this was fun! Thank you to everyone for supporting me!

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