#when will this webless life end.

[krakenshaped]

Still don't have Internet (I am in Pain)

[luidilovins]

Once you start truckin' off the neuro-highway at breakneck speeds of course it's gonna feel like an out of body experience you're literally not supposed to be that far off road.

If your brain or body is supposed to begin and end down a very specific path and something goes wrong your body is gonna feel like it's extending past whatever plane you suposed to be on. It's like static or the weightlessness of being in a pool.

It changes how you interact with your own thoughts and your own body because it's new and inexperienced. It's just atrophied.

Basically your essence is supposed to be this ball of tightly wrapped wires connecting with one another but if that goes off road it feels like you're being pooled out into an ether. I think that's what a lot of people are talking about when they say "astral projection" or "heaven/hell" or "out of body experience."

It's your brain being pushed out of its regular highway of thoughts feelings and experiences and throwing itself into a fit because it's not "right" so it just feeds itself whatever it can come up with to put itself back into the perspective of reality and familiarity.

It's weird because the closer i get to what people describe as these experiences, the less I believe in them. The less I believe in anything existing at all outside that highway. The more i wanna stay the course and function in my own plane. It's just me in here and its the only reliable source I posess.

I worry that if I keep barreling then I just cease to be totally.

I think a lot about those seven minutes of life after death. And about how people sometimes come back after 3 of those 7 minutes of functionality unraveling and they see enough that it makes them change their way of life.

If the circuts inside your own mind slow enough for it to become unfamiliar and scary does that become hell? If you're bombarded with endorphines and you project the most plesant dream for what feels like eternity is that not heaven?

We say heaven is a place on earth when we mean something can be really good if we make it that way. But if anything, meeting a god only lead me to believe that heaven can only be achieved based on how much personal guilt or regret or self loathing you carry into those last seven minutes and how well you think you did.

Basically what Im saying is I think that you're your own worst critic and you decide how good your life, and your afterlife is.

I'm not afraid of living anymore. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm gonna do my best to kick ass as long as I have control over my own form, no matter what shape that takes for the time being.

I just wanna keep my truckin' in a literal sense from now on. I don't need the webless ether to raise me to some new prohetic level or make me a complete person. Because if it's all in all our heads then it's been there the whole time.

Smell the flowers and all that shit you know? Go on road trips but don't drift off the pavement. You won't find what you're looking for there.

[sinojikai]

(Initially posted by me in a trans support group) 🙏🏽💜💙🙏🏽 I am happy for who I am, including the conduit. You know, I was looking at one of my performances — actually one to my mentor whom I met with on Thursday... I realized, I have trouble falling in love with my body. *My* body. My presence in this world, how ever it may manifest. I’m fairly small as a man but fairly broad-shouldered and thick in lungs for my frame. Not much teat. My legs are nice... but my jaws are big, and of course that deep voice I passingly mentioned here. There’s a frequent mentality in me, to resent what puberty did to me. And honestly, if not to inherently be resentful of who I am as a trans woman, it is resentful of my story. This is not something I can simply stand for. I love myself till I see the tran. (Unless it’s what’s underneath, that’s kinda cool. 😎) And that’s an issue. I am my story. I am the breakdowns and I am the hard ambition and I am the self-harm & hospitalization and the resilience & strong-voicedness, the cacophony and the mellifluousness, I am the testosterone and I am the estrogen. Everyone is their story. And the interpretation of it is their interpretation of themselves as passengers of this life: whether they succeeded, whether they failed. I refuse to see my body as a failure... Even if it ends up being like that sometimes. I will rise up with the sensuality of a survivor. And I know, some may see me as vile for feeling so insecure when I have clearly been blessed... insecurity is never rational though, and my past is much deeper than skin. #TransIsBeautiful. #ThereforeIAm. Yo peek my Mom she 54 in that photo #bpd #beauty #insecurity #modeling #fuckshame #bodypositivity #dysmorphia #mtf #transvisibility #weblessed #wemajor (at Asbury Park, New Jersey) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH0ADYPghL1/?igshid=wrp538c8ows8