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high-functioning-lokipath · 3 years ago

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14 - A kiss so desperate that the two wind around each other, refusing to let go until they are finished. - Words: 1,052

Lokisses Mini-Imagine Series

Lokisses Masterlist

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️: Mentions of kidnapping and torture, allusions to sexual assault although nothing is bluntly or graphically mentioned.

"I don't want you to go."

"I don't exactly want to go on this mission myself, Loki," You whispered, snuggling into him further under the warm blankets. "But I really have no choice." Loki hummed softly, kissing your forehead.

"Still," He trailed off. "When do you have to get up?"

"Not for another half hour or so."

"Good," Loki replied. He pulled you closer to him, kissing you earnestly. "Give me more time for this," He grinned.

"Silly boy," You replied. However you did not oppose his idea and kissed him back.

2 weeks later you are seriously regretting ever getting out of bed that morning. You were terrified. It had been 2 very long weeks since they'd kidnapped you and you knew it simply wasn't possible that your distress signal had activated in time. Loki would have found you already, you reasoned.

"Well, well, well. Hello there, little girl. Feeling a bit more cooperative today?" Your kidnapper sneered as he walked in the room.

"You will never get any information from me," You replied coolly. He walked up to you, breathing down your neck, caressing your arms.

"Perhaps a little more persuasion? Everyone has their breaking points. Especially a little whore like you." You fought the urge to pull away, knowing it would only make things worse. They'd put handcuffs on you that blocked your abilities so you had no way to escape.

"No," You said firmly. With that the man threw you against the wall.

"Fine. Have it your way. Boys, you know what to do to her."

Hours later you laid on the floor close to unconsciousness. If you weren't found soon you knew you'd die. Giving into the exhaustion you thought that perhaps that would be better. At least Loki and the Avengers would be safe.

"Y/N? Y/N! Wake up! Please!" You heard a voice calling out to you but everything was fuzzy. You couldn't open your eyes or even move to reply. The voice sounded familiar, safe, but you couldn't think straight. "Sh-she's not responding. She's been injured really badly. W-we need to get her to the healers!"

"I've got her, Loki," Another voice said. "She'll be ok. Tony has the best doctors in the world back at the tower waiting."

"Ok, Steve."

When you finally woke up, the first thing you processed was Loki leaning onto the edge of your bed uncomfortably from his chair while holding your hand. The second thing you processed was the immense pain you felt from the tips of your toes to the crown of your head. You gasped harshly as the wave of pain hit you. Loki woke with a start, eyes widening in surprise when he saw you awake.

"You're awake!" He cried, smiling widely. "I'm so happy! Oh darling! I was so worried for you!" At this point he actually was crying, tears streaming down his face uncontrollably.

You hadn't said a word yet before the Doctor and a couple nurses came rushing in. Loki watched worriedly as they rushed around running various tests. Finally they decided that, since you lived in the Tower, you could be released as long as someone cared for you 24/7.

"We're almost there," Loki whispered to you as you rode in the elevator. He had taken it upon himself to watch over you since he was officially your boyfriend. Walking you over to the sofa in his room, he made sure you were comfortable before getting out one of your favorite t-shirts of his and a pair of sweatpants. "I thought you might be more comfortable in these," He said, holding them out to you. You took them abit hesitantly but nodded. You stood and started to pull your shirt off but Loki quickly stopped you. "Woah! Not that I don't-I-well-" He stuttered nervously, taken completely off guard at your actions. "Don't you want to change in the bathroom? Have some privacy?" You looked at him oddly but walked to the bathroom to change. Loki quickly dialled Steve on his phone.

"Hello?"

"Steve, what happened to her while they had her?"

"Well it was obvious they beat and starved her. There was probably some other form of torture but we're not sure."

"Alright," Loki sighed.

"What's wrong? Is she ok?" Steve asked worriedly.

"She's fine. I think. Just acting a little odd."

"Well let me know if you need anything."

"I will," Loki said. Once he hung up the phone he sat on the end of the bed to wait for you. When you came out he smiled brightly and held his hands out to you, inviting you over for a hug. You walked over slowly, leaning into his arms but not hugging him back. "What's wrong darling?" Tears started streaming down your face and Loki tried not to panic. "Talk to me, love," He whispered. He went to kiss your forehead but you flinched, pulling away quickly and curling up into ball on the sofa. He ran over to your side, kneeling on the floor. He wanted to reach out for you but he knew better. "Darling? Can I see what's going on?" He asked, reaching out for your head. You nodded slowly, giving him permission to look into your memories.

About 15 minutes later, Loki finally pulled away. "Oh my love," He whispered, crying himself. "I'm so sorry. You should have never had to go through that. I should have found you sooner."

"No!" You yelled, finally speaking up. "Don't-don't blame yourself."

"Well don't blame yourself either," He cautioned. You nodded slowly.

"I'll try." He held his arms open again and this time you immediately hugged him, holding him as close as possible.

"Come on. Let's get some rest." He carried you over to the bed and pulled the blankets over you. He crawled in next to you carefully and you snuggled up to him.

"Thank you, Loki," You whispered, reaching up to kiss him.

"You're ok with this?" You nodded and kissed him desperately.

"I love you, Loki, so much." You pulled him as close as you could and he chuckled.

"I love you too, Y/N," He smiled, kissing you again. "Now go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." You nodded, wrapping yourself around him tightly.

"Alright, Loki. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, my love."

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casualcatte · 4 years ago

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RP Journal 8/24 and 8/25/2020

08/24/2020

The Bounty Call Elite Hunt was today and I was /severely/ disappointed in my own performance. Everyone else that came along with us was splendid, but for my own part -- Gods, I think my parents are turning over in their graves in shame. I’ve lived and breathed the Hunt since I could walk, yet I couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn today if my life depended on it. It was likely the fault of the aetheric blast I took immediately after I drew first blood on the beast, so I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Nan’to Vaadrage told me as much when we returned to Headquarters.

(Courtesy cut for length -- and for you to get your tissues!)

Regardless of my poor performance, we managed to take down the Elite Hunt with only a modicum of trouble. For a short while, it seemed like no one could get a blow to land on the beast until I landed that attack. After that, the others seemed to rally and fight all the harder -- while I mostly stayed behind a rock and tried not to puke my guts out like Zanshin Kutabare.

It was curious to see Loksia Grimheart with a bow, considering that when we’d gone hunting for coral she’d opted for a sword and shield. A woman of many talents, that. The others, Azazel Hasegawa and Ryza Eclipse I’d never before met, but they both did well between their various magicks. Still, I was glad to finally see the beast go down.

I stayed long enough to have a celebratory drink with everyone, then I stumbled off home. I wasn’t badly injured, but aetheric bullshit always messes with me. Gods, to say nothing of the two aetheryte trips. I know I’m trying to learn Astromancy and all, but some days I really, really hate aetherical magic.

I’m not sure how, but I managed to make it home, get cleaned up and changed out of my hunting leathers before falling face-first in my couch. Lorrendor, I knew, had gone back to Ul’dah, but I had no idea where that dragoon, Edgard Beaumont had gone. All I knew was that I was exhausted and had to rest.

The remainder of the night, I’m told, was passed in a fevered haze as the after-effects of the aether poisoning got to me. I don’t know what I said or what I did, but I have a feeling that I was a lot of trouble for Ardi. Between you and I, journal, I was touched that he stayed right next to me, sitting on the floor beside the sofa, watching over me all night.

Wilbur, a porxie familiar that was gifted to me by Rae-Hann, apparently put in an appearance when I started to have nightmares. He siphoned away the excess aether and that seemed to help me a fair bit. I’m sure that it was just a fever-dream, but I recall waking at one point with Edgard’s arms around me as he held me close, telling me that everything was going to be okay, that I was safe at home in my cabin. My face was wet from tears and I felt like I’d been screaming. The nightmares Wilbur took away must have been severe. I don’t remember much else except for a pink book that Ardi kept hiding. Why would he need to hide a book?

I slept. And this time I didn’t dream.

8/25/2020

When next I awoke, I sent Edgard off to get some fresh air and to stretch his muscles. As I mentioned, he’d sat on the floor all night watching over me as I slept. No doubt that man was achy and in need of some activity. While he was gone, I gingerly made my way to the bath and gave myself the promised soak I’d meant to have when I got home, but skipped in deference to sleep. Once more dressed and ready to face the world, I settled back into my comforter nest on the sofa that Edgard had made me and read one of the books he’d left to keep me entertained, along with a cup of tea and some medicine to help with the nausea.

It was thus that I was found by Lorrendor Hauland when he came to visit. I was surprised to see him come all the way from Ul’dah, given that our last encounter had been… unsettling to say the least. I can’t really tell you what happened between then and now, but this Lorrendor was a different man entirely.

Have I not said before that every encounter with this man feels like it’s with a different person? Today was no different. This was a Lorrendor who was stiff and austere, emotionless save for the one point he laughed when I proclaimed him an automaton. He fetched me tea, he was exceedingly polite and complimentary. I told him at one point I half expected to hear him replying with “Yes, Mistress” and “Whatever you wish, Mistress” to everything I said ere long.

He kept saying that he was “Lorrendor as he should have been instead of the Lorrendor he became.” So this was another version, another mask, as he tried to tamp down his love for me and simply be my friend. Sometimes it makes me wonder if the man has ever lived an honest life and if anyone knows who he truly is? The many Lorrendors I know may be nothing at all like the Lorrendor that Loksia knows or anyone else among his friends. There’s really no telling and there’s really no comparing notes. I don’t know the man. I’m not sure I ever will. He doesn’t trust me enough to be himself around me and I don’t trust him enough /because/ he chooses to hide.

Still, I owe it to him to bring him with me into Dusk Vigil when I go. We’d tracked the Saurotaun to the ruin and think that it may be a lair for it, so that alone is worth investigating. He suggested I bring along people I trust. Naturally, Edgard as my hunting partner, and Rae-Hann as my closest friend, and after some debate, Lorrendor. He’d brought me this information to begin with, the least I could let him do was see it through to the end with me.

Somewhere during this conversation, Ardi returned from his walk. When I queried why he’d been gone so long, he said he’d gotten “distracted” then he tried to hide the same pink book he’d had yesterday behind his back. I tried to get it from him a number of times, even tried to get Lorrendor to fetch it when Ardi threw it across the room, alas. Neither of us could foil that wily dragoon when he’s of a mind he has a secret to keep.

With Edgard present, we discussed the plan for Dusk Vigil again and the dragoon recommended we make it a scouting mission in case the monstrosity was at home. If we saw it, we would retreat and come back with a more tactical plan. Part of me rankled at being made to wait, especially if it was /right there/ but I knew better than to argue. Certainly not with /both/ he and Lorrendor there.

Eventually, Ardi and I settled into our usual banter with Lorrendor chastizing us both as children -- though this time we /were/ being pretty childish -- but all of us laughed and had some fun, I think. Lorrendor needed to catch the last flight from Ishgard to Ul’dah, so he took his leave.

Which left just Edgard and I. Again, I tried to get the secret of the pink book out of him, but he refused to tell. He made me another cup of tea and we talked, as we often do. I pointed out to him that he seemed much more relaxed that he had when he first arrived in Kugane after his fight with Edmond. He seemed more at peace with himself, that whatever chains holding him down had broken and now he had a chance to soar -- but had no idea how to use his wings.

He told me that I’d helped him a great deal, that he’s actually excited when he wakes up in the morning. And in this excitement he gave me a linkpearl, so that we could talk even when we’re apart. It’s a silly, common thing that everyone uses, but it felt meaningful coming from him. Naturally, I had to tease him about it, though, saying that he just wanted to whisper sweet nothings into my ear whenever he wanted.

He inferred then that Something Happened last night in my fevered delirium. He refused to tell me though, saying that something so /intimate/ was meant to be kept a secret. It worried me. Had I said or done something inappropriate? I think I would know, physically, if I’d slept with him and I didn’t really feel that was the case. Idiot, of course he’d delight in worrying me like that.

Still, when I demurred that I didn’t do much of anything for him, he said that I was one of few people who took him seriously, outside of his brother. I listen to him and he feels like he can talk to me about anything. That I could be trusted with his problems. It was heartwarming to be so trusted and I reassured him that I would always be there for him as long as he wanted.

It was then that his mood shifted somewhat and he told me that he was finally ready to go to Valentina’s graveside, to finally find the closure with her that his heart and his soul both needed. He asked me again if I would still go with him. And my answer was of course, I’d promised him that I would. For the first time since I’d know him, I saw fear ripple through Edgard. Fear, uncertainty, and a vulnerability that made my heart ache for him.

I sat next to him, leaning into his side, just to give him a real, living presence to comfort him in such a troubled moment. I reassured him that he wasn’t alone. He would never be, so long as I drew breath. When next he looked at me, his eyes captured and held me within their blue crystalline depths. It was in those depths that I could see … longing. Like a moth to a flame I was drawn to it, enchanted by it -- for a moment, I reached out to that flame…

Before I came to my godsdamned senses! I made my excuses to leave, claiming I needed sleep in my own bed and I left the room. Ardi seemed bewildered and confused, it made my heart ache. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten that close to going against my own expectations. I can’t. I can’t do to him what Tristane did to me. I don’t want to hurt him. I was angry and disappointed in myself for not minding my /own/ boundaries.

As I sat in my room, rebuking myself for my behavior. I heard him talking to himself on the other side of the wall. What I heard, what he said, made my heart hurt all the more. Part of me wanted to go to him, to reassure him, but I knew it was better for us both to remain silent. The Hunt must always be first in my heart. Until it is done, I can’t… I won’t put anyone in the position to love me only for me to die. I knew that pain once and I swore I would never inflict it on anyone else.

What do I do now? How do I act? I never meant for things to get this far. Somewhere, somehow… what wasn’t serious became serious. If I deny his feelings like I did Lorrendor, will he do the same thing? Turn into some emotionless marionette, just going through the song and dance of friendship? I don’t know that I could take that. Ardi is a source of joy to me and a good partner. I don’t… I don’t want to have to be without him.

Why does making the right choice have to be so goddamned hard?

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thedovahcat · 5 years ago

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And Then There Was...Wildstar

Since today is the anniversary of the shut down announcement, or at least I think it is, and cuz I’m a copycat and I’ve seen a few people’s introspective posts flying around my dash today, it’s time to add my experience to the pile.

Where do I even begin with Wildstar? It came around during an EXTREMELY volatile time in my life, aka the end of the teens and my early twenties. The real ‘formative years’ if you asked my opinion on it.

I had been an avid WoW fan since I could first play at the age of 13, which had to have been about 2007-2008 abouts. When 2013 or so rolled around, I had been told by friends that a new MMO was coming out, and that it was all space-western-y, my two greatest loves.

Naturally I waited, along with everyone else for a beta, and got in and instantly fell in love with what we’d come to know as Nexus. I was star-struck. The art, the music, the style, the humor, everything hit home with me like no other game had at that point, and I was ready to throw WoW to the wind to go full time and soak up as much of those space rays as I could. And it was even better because it was going to be with friends! I had already established I wanted to bring Rev over and start anew in the Dominion. I had so many new plotlines and ideas whirling around in my head faster than a tornado over a bee farm.

Unfortunately, during this time as well, I saw Wildstar as an escape.

I was being bullied away from WoW at the time by someone who wanted what I had. You think, “Who would do that?? What did they try to do, Dovah?” Many things really. At first they were small aggressions disguised as an interest in trying to befriend me, then that curtain dropped and the aggressions got bigger and bigger.

It was like watching something rot out from the inside. Was I absolutely jealous they were trying to steal a close-now-best friend from me?? Absolutely. I knew it was intentional. I could see it written on the walls. And while I was accustomed to this kind of shit occurring in real life and on the internet to some degree, it only really hurt because for a while, nobody believed me.

Rumors had been planted, people had been told lies and god knows what else, that I was the bad guy of this story. Accused of doing everything that was being done towards me at the same time. It was just another episode of ‘Who Started The Drama’ on Wyrmrest Accord, business as usual amiright?

And I won’t lie, I did try to retaliate several times to stop everything. I got desperate. Said things I meant, said things I didn’t mean, to the point where I couldn’t tell which was which anymore. Everything was wrapped in a huge burrito of panic and fear. And will I be ashamed of that, possibly for the rest of my life? Absolutely positively one hundred percent yes.

After a while, I didn’t fight back anymore. I didn’t make public call-outs, naming names. Sure, did I tell people about it if they asked? Of course, but in private only (because it turned out they too had suffered a similar situation like I was at the time.) Or, sometimes I told people unprompted in private because we happened to talk about our experiences being caught in drama, and I never hesitated to give my side of the story. The side that was RARELY ever heard, to my knowledge. I wanted as many people as possible to know what this person was like and what they were doing to me. For my own sanity, and for the sake of getting the truth out there in some form or another. It was relatively contained as far as I knew, so I rolled over onto my back, ready to accept my lot in life once again as someone’s punching bag because they were jealous of me and what I had and just would NOT go away no matter what happened. Naturally, I thought it really was all my fault that this was happening. We all jump to that conclusion at least once or ten times.

And then came Wildstar, and it had started to look very tempting.

I could start over. I could get away from it all. I could play with my friends ‘in secret’ and not have to worry about being slandered or god knew whatever ELSE had been done at that point on WoW, or wherever else.

Foolish was I to think that my troubles had ended there.

Many people from WoW came to play Wildstar, which was both a blessing and a curse. Moreso the latter in my case.

The person in question found out, began to main the same faction, and just put their hands on everything all over again. I felt as though I had hit a reset button, everything just started over once again. They told people about me, they got me blacklisted and blocked from one of the biggest RP guilds ever to hit the server at the time, and who knows where it branched out from there.

I went silent again. Kind of like a dog with its tail between its legs. The Dominion was no place for me, so, what was I to do?? I didn’t want to abandon this game and world I’d come to love so much in such a short amount of time.

I had never taken an interest in the Exiles. For some reason they hadn’t appealed to me at first. They were the overrated good guys. The underdogs that would always win. I wanted to play the ‘bad guys’ and do my whole spiel about making them more than JUST the bad guys.

But suddenly? As dramatic as it sounds, the Exiles, suddenly sounded very appropriate, in terms of matching up to how I felt.

Exiled. For stupid shit ‘crimes’ I never ‘committed.’

So, I rolled up my sleeves and rerolled Rev’s character, deciding to branch him out in a different direction entirely. I ended up with Roger, and was dumped out into the Gambler’s Ruin, the complete shamble-of-an-arkship. And after that? The frosty bitter cold of the Northern Wastes.

My friend had offered to make another character with me, so that we could play together without being bothered. I had a glimmer of hope. Everything wasn’t over and I wasn’t dead yet (but man did I feel it) and so I pressed onwards.

I saw Algoroc for the first time and all its rolling plains and roans and the mountains and the whole wide open range. It felt so much different than the stormy Levian Bay, or the dark and gloomy Ellevar. The music was lighter, more upbeat, more ‘western’, which is silly because I had stated earlier that that was what I was looking forward to the most. The WESTERN COWBOY YEEHAW aspect of it.

Things were brighter, no less colorful, happier, hopeful. There was SO much land to explore and so many things to do. I was ready. Ready to start all over one more time. So I did.

I made my way through the area, learning about the Exiles and their culture, and the Eldan and whatever sinister happenings they had going in beneath the surface.

Before I knew it, I had reached Thayd, and was absolutely blown away by the size of the city. I was used to large environments from WoW, no doubt. But Thayd felt so interactive for some reason or another. Maybe it was the art style or the NPCs inhabiting it (and the players of course). But it felt alive. There were so many nooks and crannys to get lost in, how will I ever see this whole entire city?? I wondered.

It was a broken mish-mash of all that the Exiles slapped haphazardly together. Different people that didn’t fit together, trying to make something out of lots of little pieces of seemingly nothing.

It was a whole symbolic thing for me essentially.

After that I felt like I was home, in yet another dramatic sense.

Thayd felt right, what with its trashy streets and mismatched themes. Illium and its golden and crimson towers had never struck me as somewhere I belonged.

From that point on, things blur. I explored Galeras after that, introduced to the dire situation that was the Dominion descending upon the Exiles, ready to blast them all to kingdom come to reclaim a planet they believed theirs. I felt the tension, in a good way. It was a great story waiting to unfold, I thought. And I get to see it all from the beginning and be a part of it. I was absolutely ecstatic.

And then, from there, I went to Whitevale. One of the most FRUSTRATING ZONES I will never forget. I don’t even remember why. Maybe it was the size. Over time, I grew to love it in its own weird way, only because I departed for the damn MOON (Farside) afterwards and realized I hated the lack of gravity.

But, despite all. I had so much fun.

I thought about Roger and how he’d come to the Exiles, because I still wanted him to have a connection to the Dominion somewhere. I wanted to try exploring new character tropes and such with him, I wanted to be bold and take chances with ideas and do things I’d rarely seen people do (in my case? Traumatic brain injuries, good going.) I did myresearch, I kept exploring the world, I put all the pieces together little by little and I crafted a story. A story that grew larger and larger and larger and branched out to other characters I created alongside just Roger.

Suddenly I had an entire ‘world’ on my hands. Maybe not one the size of all of Nexus in this instance, but it was ROGER’S world.

I had locations planned thanks to the housing system, I had different story lines going alongside the ‘main one’. Every so often they would mesh and meet up and affect one another, and the ‘world’ would continue to grow from there.

These characters, new as they were, suddenly had lives. They had history, they had jobs, they had all those little aspects of fictional characters that bring them to life. Personalities, likes and dislikes, feelings, all of it. I was no stranger to creating characters, of course they did! In fact, most of them were based off many existing characters I had already HAD, just Wildstar-ified.

Over time, they became their own separate entities, only because they had grown and branched out into different directions I had never dreamed they would.

I don’t remember how long I had been in this enormous creative process of planting my roots. Maybe a year or two? It didn’t really matter. I was having the absolute time of my life.

However, on the back burner I knew all those awful things were still being said about me out there. I continued to play the game and storycraft mostly by myself. I knew if I stayed away from the masses that were WSRP, then no one would ever have any ‘proof’. No one could twist anything I said, or twist interactions I had with people, and use it against me.

You can’t accuse someone of something or things when all they do is play by themselves in their own little box all day long, can you? That was my line of logic.

Naturally I still got blocked from people’s tumblrs and such, which I found out on complete accident when I would try to fav posts. I never showed up to events. I did my artwork and only did artwork of my or my friends characters. Everything was very controlled.

And then one fucking day in August, my name gets tagged in someone’s call out post. At first I fucking panic, because of course. What did I do NOW? I made EXTRA SURE to stay out of everyone’s way. Who could POSSIBLY HAVE A BEEF WITH ME-

I checked the post.

Turns out, I wasn’t the one being called out.

No.

It was that person who’d been HOUNDING me for several years at that point, who was finally being called out.

The original poster had mentioned my name because, according to their words, and I’ll never forget it, ‘they heard through the grapevine’ that all that nasty crap had happened to me. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one who had been treated this way. MANY other people had been. There had to have been a good two handfuls of them out there, maybe more, who had been harassed by this person and their crummy friends. I was named in the post, and all the abuse I had took was relayed to the entire damn community (however it was worded in a way that it had to have been from an outsider’s perspective who’d heard the rumors spread about me, and never spoke to me directly. Cuz I didn’t know ANY OF THESE people and some of the details were wrong...but I digress.)

My business was practically on the front page of the Wildstar and WoW RP community (A smaller portion of the latter.) People had known about what happened to some degree. They had been on the receiving end of these rumors, they heard all the bullshit, they looked me up, they saw I had no dirt to my name. Never did anything to anybody. Maybe some of the stories I had told got relayed to them via playing telephone with other people, I’ll have no real way of knowing for certain.

If people didn’t know me then, they sure knew me NOW, I thought.

It turned into a hot fucking mess after that. People came out with their stories, people got angry at the victims, or at the abuser. There was collateral damage from what I could see from my spot in the corner.

That bad person was supposedly reprimanded by their guild leader for the backlash they received, though I’ll never know how big it actually was. It was probably really small, realistically. But like I said, I don’t know.

It was only then that I was finally believed. Like, completely. There were always little shreds of doubt with people, but this? This blew it out of the water.

I wasn’t at fault. People saw it wasn’t my fault.

I felt…

Liberated?? Like the shackles of this depressive, anxious...whatever DISASTER state I was in, finally broke off. And so QUICKLY too. I didn’t really know what the hell to do. There was nothing I COULD do except move on and try to recover.

It was OVER. It was finally fucking over and I was at a loss, because I had grown used to living in a state of panic and sadness and anger and god knows what else.

So, slowly, I started to.

I came to the conclusion, now that it was over, or ‘over’, I wanted to make some new friends.

Roger and company had already been set up and I found very little wiggle room for collaboration with people I didn’t know. So? What better way to fix that than make a new character to use to reach out to new folk?

I grabbed one of my older characters I salvaged from a falling out I had had before this entire post began, fixed him up and threw him into Thayd face first.

And so was the infamous Captain Yaedra reborn. With an e added to his fake name because it was ‘Yadra’ before, yet for some reason both names are said exactly the same way.

I had no idea what to do with him. I hated elves. I hated long ears. They were boring. Everyone was making them and beautifying them and whatever else. I was salty. I wanted to create a raccoon more than I wanted an elf.

The zombie aesthetic definitely helped me some.

I played through all the Mordesh areas, trying to learn as much as I could about their history, about Grismara, about the Contagion.

A zombie story...it utterly fascinated me. And considering I had not changed Captain’s outfit design from his original self in the slightest? Once more, I rolled up my sleeves and began to craft a world. Another world.

Yaedra’s entire world. And by extension, my own version of a portion of Grismara.

His hometown, his career, his life, his family, every little bit. I brought it all to life once more, and soon found myself living in the ‘past’ as much as I was living in the ‘present’. As far as character timelines go.

During all this, I tried being nice to random people, or I saw art and commented on it, I tried to be more open with the community, I even joined another small guild and in the end I ended up making some really great friends who I still talk to today!

They loved what I had created. And I loved their creations in turn. We formed a tight knit group of ‘heroes’ if you would. Got into all kinds of IC shenanigans. It was fun, it was silly, it was dramatic. I didn’t feel any pressure to be anyone in particular. I felt like I could be myself, and so could Captain. We were where we belonged. And it was fantastic. And still is.

From there, I met some of their friends, and so on and so on, and I did end up gaining a small bit of presence in the community via commissions and doing my own artwork as well. Things were finally nice, and calm.

I felt like I had waded through a war of some kind, and finally, at long last, it was OVER. Peace had finally COME. I had gone through a lot of mental trauma, but as the months and several years went on, I slowly came around. I tried very hard to. My dragon scales grew thicker as time went on, and my flames certainly hotter.

And, after a while… I found myself playing Wildstar less and less. Not because I hated it, not at all. But because it no longer felt like a crutch to me. I no longer felt as though I needed it to stay afloat. I had grown and changed, for the better no doubt. I learned to stand my ground from all the knocks I had taken, I learned to start speaking up when things were being done to me that weren’t right, or nice, or whatever. Did I end some friendships that way? Sadly, yes.

But I was done. I wouldn’t be ANYONE’S punching bag anymore.

The Exiles toughened me up. I wasn’t about to take ANYONE’S crap and neither was Captain. Both of us, fists BARED.

My time on Nexus dwindled even more.

I went back to WoW out of habit, and spent more time there. Soon enough I was hardly logging onto Wildstar at all. Many people were bored of the game’s lack of ...everything. Content most certainly. You could only do the same things so many times. I wasn’t part of a huge RP guild that constantly had events going, though I was by the end (but even that was kind of flakey because people just weren’t as interested in the game as they had once been.)

I hadn’t thought much about my story lines or characters. They had, over time, fallen into situations and such that I had long resolved. My ‘characters’ were tired of adventure and drama, and I wanted to give them a chance to have their happily ever afters, via ‘soft-retiring’ them. I still wrote stuff and drew art on the side, just….less of it.

In the months before Wildstar, I rarely thought about Nexus at all.

Until the horn sounded with Wildstar’s imminent closing.

For months prior to that, I had been sitting and watching. I knew it had been on the way. NC SOFT being...NC SOFT of course (with Carbine’s mismanagement in general, though at the time I did not know about this,) made this more than obvious.

So it didn’t come as a surprise to me.

If anything, I felt a sort of subdued melancholy about it.

If I can compare it to anything, it was like watching a pet or something grow old. There was the initial excitement of a new friend, and the beginning years were amazing and fast and fun filled and emotional. And then over time, things grew comfortable. I didn’t need to give Nexus my full attention anymore. ‘We’ had this ‘understanding.’ I could always go back to Nexus whenever I wanted. I always had a place there waiting for me. Characters, fun, stories, etc.

And then I began to move on.

Wildstar for me was a lot of things. It was a period of mental destruction, it was a period of rebirth and growth for me as a person, it was a reminder of the roller coaster ride that was good and bad times all bundled into one. It was my ‘growing up’ period. It was the rocky road of a transitional phase from the end of my childhood, to the beginning of my adult years.

Yes I know this might sound silly, all over an MMO that barely lasted at all, and the last thing I wanna do is be silly, but it’s how I felt. I’m not going to try to disguise it as something else, because that was what it all was to me.

The months sped by and before I knew it, it was the last day the server was up. Wildstar would be closing that evening or afternoon, or whatever. I don’t recall the time.

I had sat there debating whether or not to attend that final count down.

A part of me wanted to. I wanted to be there, to send off this MMO that had meant so much to me!

But another part of it told me to not go.

In the end, I did not go.

Not because I would be crying, or throwing a fit or whatever.

The main reason I didn’t go, was because I wanted to remember Nexus the way it was. I didn’t want to see people bunched up in one area, being turned into all sorts of critters, I didn’t want the lag to destroy my computer, I didn’t want to see their storm of messages and how sad everyone was, I didn’t want to read the Caretaker’s countdown messages saying how he’d miss us, in his own special way.

To me, all that meant Wildstar was due to die at any moment. That Nexus would suddenly cease to be, that all these things everyone worked so hard on, would just be gone, in the blink of an eye.

I didn’t want that to be the last memory I had of that place.

And so, the shut down came. The night went on.

I woke up the next morning, and everything felt ok, for the most part. Yes I felt like I was missing a piece of myself, but it was a lot smaller than I can say for some people.

The hole I had in my heart had mostly patched itself up with nicer memories. With the possibilities that were yet unexplored.

As far as I WAS, and am, aware? Nexus isn’t dead. Not at all. It’s just sleeping, for right now. It’s taking a well needed rest. It’s not really gone.

All the stories, all the characters, they exist in our head spaces. They still go on. I still write for them occasionally.

If anything, I feel like they have even MORE to explore now.

These days, people are working or playing already on private servers, and while I entertain the idea of joining one or finding another group to play with… Well, that’s all it really ends up being. An idea.

I’m perfectly happy with what I got out of Wildstar, and what I got to take away from it and keep.

I grew as a person, albeit the hard way (but that’s just how it is sometimes.) My creativity grew, my ability to make better stories and characters grew alongside that. I made new friends that I still keep to this day. That bad person got their just desserts and my most-likely-over-exaggerated-because-I’m-sure-people-have-gone-through-worse-torment was finally put to rest. I had more confidence in myself, yada yada… You get the idea.

Everything had resolved, for the most part.

Everything was said and done, regarding that chapter of my life.

And what a ride it was.

BUT I have to say, if there’s one specific thing I favor, that I got from this entire putrid mess that I would do it all over again for??

I got Cap back.

So, thank you for returning my raccoon to me, Nexus. I’ll never forget it. One day when those private servers are finished and the game is mostly restored, I’ll definitely come back to play through it again, and most likely come up with even more new adventures for me to write and explore.

Until then, cupcakes! Dovah signing off on this...eight page story-rant!

#wildstar #i didnt mention EVERYTHING in here because it would be even longer #but for the most part this was my experience #and i wouldnt trade it for the world

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psychosistr · 5 years ago

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quite wondering, what are the regenerations looks of the fearsome four during the events of the rp? [or uhm the crystal duck's regenerations?]just wondering

Well, I’ll leave Megavolt and Bushroot’s designs to you since you have them in the RP, but here’s what I came up with for the others below the cut.

I’ll start with the Crystal Ducks since they have the fewest changes-

Darkwing Duck: Drake starts off looking and sounding like his original Darkwing cartoon-self with the Jim Cummings voice and everything, with the only variations to his outfits being that his super-hero outfit has a pinkish-purple colored star on the back of his cape (the color for the star looks like the color on the under-side of his cape) and he tends to wear baseball caps and other hats with his regular clothes to hide his gemstone.

He’s a pretty durable amethyst, so it takes a lot for him to get poofed- like, he’d need to get hit head-on with a destabilization blast from Yellow Diamond or something. When he does finally get poofed, when he comes back he looks and sounds like his DT17 version, making him seem much younger than before and symbolizing the new start he has now after the truth about the war comes to light. The main changes to his super hero outfit would be that instead of having the star on his back like before, he’d have an outline of the Earth in a very dark purple that would only be noticeable in the right lighting to represent how his loyalty and purpose shifted from his previous allegiance to Rose and her army to the Earth- his new home that he protected from the shadows. He does still care about the Crystal Ducks, though, a fact that is shown by how the underside of his cape would now have a pattern of many small stars outlined all over the inside and would be visible whenever his cape was open.

Launchpad: Similar to Drake, Launchpad’s initial look would be like his original Ducktales/Darkwing Duck cartoon appearance and voice. The only real difference in this would be that his scarf has a golden star on each end and they’ll often overlap or fold over to form a single large star shape when the ends are close together. He had a few forms beforehand, but they were pretty similar since for the longest time he didn’t understand what was happening every time he got poofed and mostly just came back the exact same way he looked before. He got his current form after the first major plane crash he was in after joining the Crystal Ducks and, when he came back, he still didn’t have a full understanding of how changing his form worked, but he was able to figure it out just enough to add the stars to his scarf so he could show that he was on the same team as Darkwing and Gizmoduck.

His klutziness and tendency for crashing result in a few minor reformations throughout the series, but he’s usually pretty quick to come back since he doesn’t put much thought into changing his form. The first time he really decides to change his form, though, is after he comes to fully accept what happened on the Earth and learns to stop blaming himself for the war and how he was created. Wanting a fresh start and to show he now accepted and understood his past, the first major reformation he does in his life results in him looking and sounding like his DT17 version. The major differences this time are that he now shows off the star in a much grander way by having a big golden one on the back of his coat and, as a much smaller nod to how meeting Darkwing changed his life and opened his eyes to the truth about who and what he was, on the inner-brim of his brown chauffeur's hat (I like the way that looks over his baseball cap) there’s an outline of a small purple star that looks like the one Darkwing had on his previous cape- visible only to him most of the time.

Gizmoduck/Gyro & Fenton: Gyro and Fenton remain largely unchanged throughout the series, looking and sounding like their DT17 versions. Their main differences would be that, in the past before they joined the rebellion, their outfits were a lot more formal and neat- looking like black and white suits (Gyro got to have a lab coat with his) with white diamonds on the front to represent their diamond and her court. When they joined the rebellion, though, they got the much more casual and colorful outfits they wear now, with Gyro sporting a black star on the top of his hat and Fenton having a matching one on the middle of his shirt that would be divided if he ever unbuttoned it.

Gizmoduck’s changes in appearance are harder to see because he’s usually wearing his Gizmoduck armor to be ready for battle at any moment. His first appearance is like his original Ducktales/Darkwing Duck version, with the suit receiving a few upgrades over the course of the series and having a star beneath the red symbol on his chest. Without the suit, he looks very different with his head and torso sporting white feathers while his arms have brown ones and he wears Gyro’s glasses when he doesn’t have the suit’s helmet and visor accessible. He doesn’t put much thought into his outfits since he’s rarely without his suit, so most of the time he just walks around in a shirt like Fenton’s that’s only half-buttoned and a pair of pants that look like Gyro’s.

After being poofed and separated by Negaduck, Gizmoduck has his more modern DT17 style suit ready when he reforms- this time with a large golden metallic star on each shoulder in addition to the star beneath the red symbol on his chest. His body this time has Fenton’s brown feathers for the head and torso and Gyro’s white ones for the arms. He still wears Gyro’s glasses when he doesn’t have the visor on, but now he also has Fenton’s hair with a few streaks of white mixed in and the part on the front is like a smaller version of the distinctive swoop that Gyro’s hair has. This time around, he puts a little more thought into how he looks without the armor and has a more solid mix of Gyro and Fenton’s outfits- he wears Gyro’s shirt, vest, and pants, but the shirt is the same color as Fenton’s shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, the vest has one or two of the middle buttons done to keep it partially closed, and he wears Fenton’s purple tie.

Gosalyn: Not much to say about Gosalyn’s initial appearance as she mostly looks like her original cartoon version but with the addition of a star on her jersey instead of a number (the star is the same color as the one Darkwing originally has on his cape).

She does, however, go through a change after getting her gem ripped out by White Diamond. When she reconnects with her other half, it’s the closest thing she ever got to poofing, and, feeling for the first time in her life that she had control over her powers and who she was as a person, decided that she wanted to make a change and differentiate herself from her mother. She changed her appearance and now resembles her DT17 version, just with a small star-shaped hole torn over the stomach to expose her gem (which she shifts to stand up straight and have its true shape visible), and her jacket has a mutli-colored star on the back that resembles a color wheel but with fewer gradients and a white outline, symbolizing how she’s grown thanks to all of the gems in her life from her dad to Launchpad and Gizmoduck and even the Fearsome Four.

Okay, now for the Fearsome’s:

Liquidator: Initially, Liquidator is the very image of a perfect homeworld elite. His clothes (which are really just darker or lighter water that move and flow with his body) are a simple but elegant dark blue robe-like uniform with darker trim and a blue diamond insignia on the front to show his allegiance and loyalty to his diamond. His body is originally a lot tougher-looking with broader shoulders and a more stern face (think like the intimidating first look he had when he revealed himself to Darkwing in his debut episode). Similar to Darkwing, Liquidator is very hard to poof due to the nature of his body. To date, he’s only been poofed twice in the RP, with the first time not changing anything.

The second time he gets poofed, however, results in a drastic change to Liquidator’s appearance. Taking place after making the decision to stay on Earth with Bushroot and the rest of his friends, he feels like he’s finally free to relax and be himself rather than the rigid elite homeworld expected him to be. His physical appearance changes to the more relaxed and silly style we’re used to from the cartoons, with the exception of his ears being slightly scruffier and his right eye having two overlapping pupils with one being lighter blue and the other being darker blue (this happened after an exposure to corruption and is a permanent scar on his gem, but he honestly got off easy). His previous uniform look changes to a high-collared blue sleeveless shirt with an ice-blue star on the front (showing his tentative alignment with the Crystal Ducks, but more so the freedom he’s come to enjoy from this planet and his desire to protect that freedom) and darker blue pants with a belt that looks like braided strands of ice with a solid ice-rose for a buckle (symbolizing his love for Bushroot and how their relationship is free to grow on this planet).

Quackerjack: Quackerjack, by far, gets the most wardrobe/form changes to-date for this AU, so I’ll just run down the line.

When he first appears in the story, his outfit most closely resembles his original one from the TV show but with a pink diamond on the front around the gemstone on his chest. However, his gemstone was cracked when he first appeared, so his colors were duller and his eyes had a glassier look to them with a pink tint to match his cracked gemstone. His colors and eyes returned to normal after receiving healing treatments back on homeworld, but that form didn’t last for long.

After being poofed as Goldy on homeworld (he accidentally fused with Megavolt after falling into the peridot’s arms and Liquidator had to act quick and poof them so they wouldn’t be spotted by anyone else), Quackerjack was really depressed when he reformed due to losing his diamond, realizing how long he was trapped in the mirror, and seeing what happened to Paddywhack while he was gone. His colorscheme was a lot heavier on the blue tones with the red and orange colors only popping up occasionally as accents or trim. He also lost the diamond insignia on his chest, as his diamond was presumed dead and her court was disbanded.

His next reformation took place after he was poofed by Gizmoduck while protecting Megavolt. By this point, he had started to move on from his past thanks to his friends and regained the colors in his outfit. However, he did start to make subtle changes such as adding stars along his cowl to hint at a possible change in alignment and the orange in his color scheme was changed to yellow (symbolizing the bond he’s formed with Megavolt).

His most recent form is drastically different from his previous ones, showing how he’s finally let go of his past. The colors on his outfit are still as bright and colorful as ever, but it’s a bit less poofy, marking his shift away from just being seen as Pink Diamond’s jester. He still has a frilled white collar, but it’s much shorter than before, and his cowl no longer has stars in the fabric but the bells each have a small star pattern on them and the cowl’s colors are lighter than that of his shirt. His top now has short flutter sleeves instead of the long ones he wore before and he proudly shows off the star in the middle of his shirt, the star being bright yellow to match the palazzo-style pants that he wears (the bottoms are super long and billowy with glittery pink trim, usually hiding his pink shoes with purple flowers on the toes).

If he goes through another major poofing after some more information is revealed about pink diamond, his appearance will likely change again and have the reds in his color scheme be replaced with pinks to show his past and his eternal loyalty and love for his diamond without the blind devotion he had before, but still staying with the colors of those he cares about like Megavolt’s yellow, Liquidator’s blue, and some purple or green accents to represent Bushroot.

@abbythegamergirl you can do your descriptions for Bushroot and Megavolt if you want, or people can just check out the pictures you’ve drawn of them to get a basic idea.

#Drake Mallard #darkwing duck #launchpad mcquack #gizmoduck #gyro gearloose #fenton crackshell cabrera #Gosalyn Mallard #liquidator #quackerjack #some of these ships mentioned:#drakepad #fenro #liquiroot #quackervolt #steven universe!au

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menphinasbow · 5 years ago

Text

yvaine; neverending survey

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Yvaine Aradia (birth name Yvaine Mhenravi)

NICKNAME: I don’t know if Khit’li has any nicknames for her actually

AGE: I don’t keep track should be around 22-23

BIRTHDAY: 15th Sun of the 4th Astral Moon

ETHNIC GROUP: Miqo’te Keeper of the Moon

NATIONALITY: Gridanian

LANGUAGE/S: Common Eorzean

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demiromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Married

HOME TOWN / AREA: all over Eorzea

CURRENT HOME: Mist, La Noscea

PROFESSION: Bard, Warrior of Light, Slayer of Primals, Moogle Collector

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Long wavy turquoise with streaks of green

EYES: Emerald green

FACE: Oval

LIPS: Small, red

COMPLEXION: Pale as the moon

BLEMISHES: None

SCARS: Multiple battle scars, nothing permanent except one on her lower back from when she was little - one of her adopted siblings pushed her to the ground because they lost an archery duel with her and she hit a sharp rock

TATTOOS: None

HEIGHT: 5′

WEIGHT: 120 ponze

BUILD: Petite

FEATURES: Three grey clan marks on her cheek

ALLERGIES: None

USUAL HAIR STYLE: Always wore down or on a ponytail, and later on side ponytails

USUAL FACE LOOK: Confused or concerned

USUAL CLOTHING: Practical but chic adventuring gear. Leathers and armor in earthy tones and shades of green or blue. When not working, can be found wearing dresses that are more on the casual side rather than extravagant styles, making sure movement is always unimpeded.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR/S: Failure, loss, being lonely or left behind, rejection

ASPIRATION/S: To be a mother and have a happy family of her own

POSITIVE TRAITS: Dedicated, loyal, responsible, brave, honest, friendly, helpful, optimistic

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Naive, gullible, politically inept, inflexible when it comes to right and wrong, keeps putting others’ needs before hers, map illiterate

TEMPERAMENT: Phlegmatic

SOUL TYPE/S: Server

ANIMALS: She’s basically a puppy

VICE HABIT/S: Doing something obviously dangerous without thinking when the fate of the world hangs in the balance

FAITH: Nymeia, Hydaelyn

GHOSTS?: Those who have died in her name

AFTERLIFE?: She knows where dead people go

REINCARNATION?: She likes to think so

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Hates politics

EDUCATION LEVEL: Self taught and a smattering of short term schoolings

FAMILY.

FATHER: Ihko’to Rhisfu (deceased)

MOTHER: Nihva Mhenravi

SIBLINGS: Only tons of foster siblings

EXTENDED FAMILY: Unknown

NAME MEANING/S: None in particular

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None

FAVORITES.

BOOK: Romance and fantasy

DEITY: Nymeia

HOLIDAY: Starlight

MONTH: April

SEASON: Spring

PLACE: The ocean

WEATHER: Sunny but not too hot

SOUND / S: The waves of the ocean, the strumming of harp strings, birds singing, Moogle noises, Khit’li’s voice

SCENT / S: Sea salt, the smell of spring, flowers, delicious food

TASTE / S: Sweets, cakes, chocolate, oranges

FEEL / S: The wind on her face, water lapping on her feet, the sure string of her bow and the strength of her arrows, cuddling against the warmth of her husband’s body, and lately the baby moving inside her

ANIMAL / S: Bunnies, cats, butterflies, nutkins, all small woodland animals

NUMBER: None

COLORS: Green, blue, white

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Archery, string instruments, singing, attracting cute animals

BAD AT: Negotiating, determining people’s true intentions, having common sense when it comes to her own safety, reading maps, using magic of any kind, close range/bare handed fighting

TURN ONS: Loyalty, humor, sincerity, steadfastness, dependability, kindness

TURN OFFS: Cruelty, injustice, arrogance, rudeness, selfishness

HOBBIES: Singing, swimming, making music, weaving, helping people, collecting as many Moogles as possible

TROPES: It Sucks to Be the Chosen One, Heartwarming Orphan, Evil Parents Want Good Kids, Skilled, but Naïve

QUOTES : “you know you were never meant for carrying this world your legs tremble beneath the weight yet, you take another step no, you were never meant for this but, that will not stop you from trying.”

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 : If you could write your character your way in their own movie, what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?

A1 : I don’t know what it’d be called, but I know the style will be epic fantasy ala Narnia or LotR to showcase all the out of this world aspect of it and what else would it be about? Yvaine’s Warrior of Light journey of course.

Q2 : What would their soundtrack/score sound like?

A2 : Same kind of epic fantasy feel. Lots of choral music and string instruments.

Q3 : Why did you start writing this character?

A3 : Because I like to treat every character I play in a video game as a fully fleshed out character with their own story. That’s why I could never use my own name in video games (while my husband always does, lol). And I already had a ready-made RP partner in @keeperprinceling which totally helped. Also the FFXIV story is too good to not play around in to be honest.

Q4 : What first attracted you to this character?

A4 : How she survived in this world when she started out having nothing. Pushing her on this adventure and seeing her discovering things and reacting to them for the first time was interesting to me, made me want to write more about her story and connect all the dots from her past that brought her here, being who she is today.

Q5 : Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

A5 : I struggle with making her interesting enough for other people to be interested in her. I feel like she’s just this cookie cutter do-gooder who is your cliché Warrior of Light type of character sometimes, but I also don’t want to betray the character to make her “edgier” or more interesting in ways most people probably look for. I like her the way she is, even if she leans toward the boring/bland side.

Q6 : What do you have in common with your muse?

A6 : We both love cute animals. That’s about it, lol. In a lot of ways, Yvaine is the polar opposite of me in that she’s wildly optimistic and extroverted, like she actively seeks out new people while I run and hide every time I hear the doorbell rings and aggressively hiss at the world in general.

Q7 : How does your muse feel about you?

A7 : She probably just wants me to stop putting her through all these never-ending quests and let her have that family already.

Q8 : What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ?

A8 : Characters that are complicated and are not black and white brings the most interesting interactions out of her, because Yvaine herself is very simple in her thoughts about good vs. evil. But when she comes across people like Iceheart and Nero and any Garlean defector (especially when forced to work with them) her inner conflict and her inability to understand where they stand gives me life.

Q9 : What gives you inspiration to write your muse ?

A9 : The game itself and its story. Sometimes silly things like finding a house side by side with her husband (which spawned our Neighbors AU) and the Scion outfit which looked like school uniforms made me think of a high school AU. But I’m usually triggered to write by events that happened in the MSQ itself.

Q10 : How long did this take you to complete ?

A10 : I filled everything in up to this last set then I let it sat in the Drafts for like a week because I kept forgetting it’s there.

tagged by: @alannah-corvaine ♥

tagging: this is long, so do it if you feel like it!

#character meme

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hanculs-blog · 6 years ago

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Hello everyone!! This is Lyhra bringing you my baby, your sweetest nightmare, Park Haneul. I’m very hyped with this rp even if it took me a bit by surprise, but i’m very eager to plot with all of you. Anyway, you can check her profile for her general stats and her plots for some connection ideas i’ve listed there. And if anything catches your attention, please send me a DM or like this post (i also have Discord!).

Under the cut, an overlook about her background and personality.

TW: Death (car crash), Murder (mention), Domestic abuse / negligence (mention).

—— is that a bird or a plane ? nah , it’s just PARK HANEUL . word on the street is that the TWENTY-TWO year old , CISFEMALE , looks an awful lot like KIM CHUNG HA , but i just don’t see it . strangers believe them to be MOODY and RESENTFUL , but their friends will tell you they’re CHARISMATIC and BRAVE . they associate themselves with leather clothes , striking dance moves , and sweet words on a dangerous smile .

Background

born in a poor broken home, in Daegu, as the youngest of two children with her brother, Hanjun, being 6 years older.

let’s just say things weren’t precisely nice and happy at home, with her parents almost always arguing or yelling at each other. her father was an a**hole and her mother quite unstable.

luckily, her father left them when she was six.

even with that, the situation wasn’t much better, with her mother busier with her work or trying to find comfort on a new lover than paying attention to her children.

yet Hanjun and Haneul were as close as bone and flesh, he cared for her and she adored him. they had each other at least.

so she basically grew up on the streets. her brother always trying and somewhat failing to keep her sheltered and protected from the dangers that surrounded their neighborhood, even if he was part of them.

with these environment, it’s easy to have a kid with no purpose in life, luckily Haneul found her passion quite early: she loved dancing. the feeling, the beauty, the attention.

because if there’s one thing she has always starved is attention. or more correctly: love. Haneul desperately wants to be loved but doesn’t know how that works, so she keeps searching for it at the wrong places and with the wrong people.

so when Hanjun was old enough to start working, he brought her to a small dance school he paid by himself (he was an angel, i’m telling you).

yet.. it didn’t keep her away of the streets at all, because she joined a street dance crew and they performed all around Daegu and outside too.

at 18, she started working on a club as a dancer. not the job of her dreams but she wanted to stop being dependent of everyone, she wanted to be able to come and go as she pleased, and she wanted to pay back everything her brother had been giving to her all that time.

there have been very little things the siblings argued about. they could bicker about silly stuff, like motorcycles vs cars or cats vs dogs, but never truly fight. there was one thing that caused real disagreements: the nasty stuff Hanjun sometimes had to be part of to pay the bills.

sadly it all ended in a crash, almost two years ago. Haneul was busy at work when she got a call: her brother’s body had been found with visible signs of having been hit by a car. the driver? banished.

it destroyed her.

the pain became easier to hold when she got the tip. it had been no accident, she was told, a rival gang wanting to make a statement or perhaps an enemy wanting to take away competition. it made sense.

now Haneul wants to find that person, and make them pay.

of course, meanwhile, she continues going on with her life. which basically can be summed into: partying, working, dancing, messing around, falling in love, falling out of love, copying with her brother’s death and causing some trouble.

tldr: had a brother, loved said brother, brother died, she thinks he killed, now she revenge. troubled girl just wants to be loved and have some fun.

Personality

Charismatic: She has a natural allure around her and catches people’s attention with ease. If it’s not due to the way she says something it’s because of how she moves or the look in her eyes.

Brave: There aren’t many things that can make her back off or shrink, when she encounters any of her fears she faces them with courage, and is capable of going against everything for those she cares about.

Honest: She says things as they are and will never be a fake, she doesn’t lie to get what she wants nor makes promises she won’t deliver later on. What you see is what you get.

Moody: Her affections change with the wind and her temperament can be triggered quite easily, her life can be sometimes like a roller coaster.

Resentful: She may forgive, but for sure she won’t forget. Ever.

Obstinate: It’s very difficult to change her thought or take her out of something she’s feeling resolute about. When she has something on her mind, she’s determined and passionate, but also stubborn.

#daegu:intro #sorry this got messy and chaotic #i've just now noticed that my url almost reads like handcufs #and it's so fitting #lmao

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cosmosfated · 6 years ago

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The Knight’s Gambit / rp archival post ft. @kind2afault italics - cayden, normal - licifo/fleur’s grillby, bold - doc

It's something that pulls and invites where it shouldn't. Something entrancing and mystifying, it makes you want to come closer and closer until- SNAP! Jaws close on you and you don't make a sound again. That's why Cayden places a hand on his fool best friend's shoulder as they approach the house. "This doesn't...feel right." His grip tightens ever so slightly.

"Of course it doesn't, you've been hiding away with the timeline's Speaker for weeks now. Nothing is going to feel right." Doc replies in turn, feeling nothing amiss. He feels like he's trying to walk on a carousel to get to a piece of it that forever remains ahead and around that bend but hm. He notices not the inconsistencies to his thoughts. It's normal isn't it? "It's merely checking up on her and making sure she's alright."

"It's just Drew," Licifo pipes up, waving one hand dismissively and putting his hands in the pockets of his flight bomber jacket. "She's hardly one to be in any trouble."

"If that were true, why're we bein' asked ta check up on 'er? And fer fuck's sake, Garamond... Ye look like yer listenin' to the echoes again. That's dangerous." "I'm not. I have protection." "No! Stop! You stay out here while we check up on her. We can't risk it." "You worry too much..." "I agree with Cayden, actually. You don't look well. Just stay out here alright?"

Licifo raises a hand to knock on the door as Doc leans against the wall with a huff. "Drew? You home?"

The house was....eerily quiet, usually her Pokemon were running about. But no sounds of them, at least, from what Drew was hearing. She felt rather uneasy about yesterday and how she actually blacked out. It wasn't from that one medicine that she tried, was it?

When she heard a knock at the door, she blinked her blue eyes in confusion. A visitor? Who could that be? She pulled her oven mitts off and set them on the counter before heading towards the door, only to hear voices on the other side. When she opened it....she was surprised.

"Oh! Hey boys!" She said with a smile on her face, happy to see the three coming for a visit. Other than looking rather exhausted and maybe under the weather, she seemed...fine?

"Uhhhh come on in, I didn't know you were visiting. I just finished up some gingerbread if you like some and hot cocoa too." Strange..she seemed fine.

"That's alright- Syphoria asked us to come check up on you since something worrying had happened. I know you get terrible headaches often so I thought it'd be best to have me along." Licifo doesn't notice anything amiss as he steps in, ruffling the young singer's hair playfully.

Cayden too is all smiles and agreement, and his stance is misleadingly relaxed. He is actually quite tense, and he hasn't decided to get out of his armor in weeks aside for cleaning it. A certain sense of clarity that comes with prolonged heavy exposure to what the Speaker truly is. A certain sense of understanding that not everything shows itself on the surface. Looking for anything out of place, listening and watching and dancing to the beat of every motion while also turning it to his own manner of dance. "Jus' worried 'bout ye, lass."

Doc remains outside as he was all but ordered to. Those two usually mean the best for him.

Drew giggled a bit with her hair ruffled and she let the two inside, nodding her head," Yeah, I can imagine. Just, a really bad one this time. I've never blacked out from a headache before. Hm?"

Though when she saw only Cayden and Licifo come inside, her attention was right on Doc, making her look rather confused. Why wasn't he coming inside? Sure, skeleton monsters weren't effected by the cold, but it just seemed rather bizarre. "Aren't you gonna come in Doc? If you want, I can get a pot of coffee going for you."

There was something off in the house. One thing that Drew hadn't really noticed.

Where were the Pokemon?

"......" "For right now, I think it's best he stays outside. He doesn't want to get anyone else ill." "......" Huff.

It's a slow look over the main room that offers fuel to the cold fire in his chest. Cayden finds himself frowning ever so slightly. Where are they? "Do ye know where the Pokemon are? Chii is usually 'ere, aye?"

Licifo suddenly grows concerned. Chii is never away from Drew. They're nigh inseparable especially at home. Where could they be?

"Oh well...Okay.." She wasn't too sure on that but, if they said so.

It was only when they ask about the Pokemon, that she blinks in mild confusion. Wait, where were the Pokemon? "I...I don't know. They were here before I blacked out, I remember that much." She murmured and looked a little frantic, now rushing up the stairs and calling out their names.

The only Pokemon that actually surfaced when called was her Glameow, who looked none the wiser to the events that happened yesterday. Though Drew did peer over the railing from upstairs, looking down towards the two.

"Its okay, I found them! They're just asleep upstairs."

Licifo brightens immediately, also none the wiser. "Ahh, that's about right. It is cold out after all. Why don't we make something together for all of us? Cayden has a physical form for a short time so he can eat and sleep properly."

"Hardy har har." The old Knight chuckles, only to look upstairs. ".... Do ye mind if I check out the rooms? I'm a touch paranoid I'm afraid. Happens when you're a war veteran." A joke perhaps but one that makes the two other idiots snicker in response.

Drew looked so relieved while heading down the stairs, blinking and giggling at the two. My goodness, all three of them were so silly. "Well, I did make some gingerbread, but we can make something else. The oven is still warm. Hm?" Bright, blue eyes peered over at Cayden for a moment, nodding her head," Go ahead. I don't mind."

"It is cold outside and Bella isn't a big fan of the cold, but something warm and delicious could help warm them up." She grinned, hopping back to the kitchen.

"I can try and make honey baked apples. The ones I used to make back in the first couple of years of the diner?" Licifo prattles on as if nothing is wrong, while Cayden heads upstairs with a muttering in Eazaric towards Doc that something is wrong- he'll find out what and stop it.

He hardly makes a sound despite the armor he wears. Just enough to let the Pokemon know he's approaching, while keeping quiet enough to distinguish his own sound from another. It doesn't take long for him to recognize what's amiss, and he immediately draws his blade from its sheath. Readied and patient, used to a fight that never quite ends. "Alright ye bastard, do yerself a favor an' fuck off." Growled not into what is heard but into what rarely is. {SO THE KNIGHT RETURNS TO THE LIGHT} {OR IS HE STILL DROWNING, SIMPLY UNDER GUILT AND NOT ANGER?} He growls. "Ye don' need to toy wit' 'er. She don' have that value yer lookin' fer." He uses a hint of his own magic to coat his blade and spell circle glows rune by rune on the floor around him. "An' jus' so we're clear- ye don' got a choice." {YOU'RE NOT AS STRONG AS YOU ONCE WERE, MAGE} {YOU CAN'T BE RID OF ME} "Aye. You're right." His sword is stuck into not the wooden floorboards but into the shadow he's been casting. It alights with ribbons of orange. "But I can steal us some time." {YOU VILE-!} "See you later!" In a flash of orange, the haunting stops and something else freezes. "That's better."

"Oh! That's a great idea! I know the Pokemon would love those too!" Her favorite treat that he first made for her.

Drew was all ready to go with cooking when, she felt something within her head, making her wince and move her hands to her head. Oh no, not another headache, but it seemed far worse like the other day. She nearly fell over as she grasped onto the door frame to the kitchen and struggled to stand, shaking and whining from it.

"N...not...again..." She whined and squinted her eyes closed, barely able to open them from the sudden surge of pain.

Licifo easily moves to hold her up some. "You should sit down and rest. I'll make us something to eat alright?"

Cayden walks back down and looks noticeably more relaxed. If not happy. "The little ones 're rather silly." Act normal. Nothing is amiss. Just another day, just another haunting. "Need some help cooking?"

"I wouldn't say no." "Well then! Dingy, come on in, take a seat wit' Drew!" "You're both insufferable." Grumbled past the door as he opens it and walks in, shutting it behind him.

"Y..yeah...I probably do.." She didn't argue, not wanting to push and make the headache grow worse. So with a little help, she pulled a chair from the table to sit herself down, looking at the three with a weak chuckle. Silly boys.

Now the Pokemon start coming down the stairs and Chii is immediately at Drew's side, making sure that she was alright. She's thankful to have her Meowstic back at her side, grabbing one of the cups of hot cocoa from earlier and a bottle of medicine. Thank goodness she got a refill of it.

On the label though...there isn't Unovian writing on it..

Doc glances at it for a moment before frowning. That looks familiar...but he's too tired to read it thoroughly. He just grumbles and rubs at his temples. Licifo and Cayden easily get to cooking, their banter being all too enjoyable to listen to. Old friends who perhaps once were as thick as thieves.

Drew was listening their banter and chuckling, taking a bit of the medicine to help with her headache. It might make her drowsy, but it was the best thing she had to help remedy them.

She did want to tell them of her accidental discovery. But how to bring it up?

"Hey um...guys? Have you um..." She paused," Ever thought I seemed....different, from other humans?" Now this was totally an awkward way of asking.

Licifo speaks first. "Yeah but everybody has something different about them! It's called being unique- ow!" Cayden hits his arm. Wrong answer. "Ye mean tha fact that yer part monster? Aye. We already knew. We wouldn' be who we are if we didn'." Doc smirks; she was a rather easy tell among the others who kept it hidden.

"Wait....you guys already knew?"

She stared at them with wide eyes before squinting them a bit. Oh right, headache...and the lights in the kitchen didn't help. Now she felt like an idiot with hyping herself up to ask them. Great.

"...How..long did you guys know? Is it really that obvious?"

"Don't feel so bad," Cayden responds as he rests his arm on Licifo's shoulder. "At our primes, nothing could slip past us. This old flame might miss a thing or two off and on but yanno. He's getting old." "Coming from a deadman?" "A deadman who died in his prime!" He moves to flex dramatically a few times. Doc starts to howl with laughter. "You both are absolute idiots!" "And ye love us jus' like that~"

Nothing amiss. Nothing changed. What haunting? Only a group of friends laughing through a cold winter day.

At first, she seemed unsure of admitting fully of what she learned. But with these three, she felt...normal. Like nothing had changed just because. And it was nice.

Chii merely shook her head at the three while Drew was giggling, feeling a little better thanks to the medicine. She adored these three, no matter what.

"You three are hilarious." She mused, happy to have the three visiting her. It was nice, none the wiser to what happened.

"OW! Watch where yer swingin' that!" "Sorry, I'm getting old right?" "Ooo, he got you there." "Don' turn on me, Dingy!"

And they adore her as well. They'd protect her, if they had any say in it.

#;;the cast...?#* doc. \ crimes forgiven but never forgotten.#* cayden. \ long live the reckless & the brave.#kind2afault

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newlifenewdeath · 6 years ago

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Munday Meme

Name: Aesa / Leila

Pronouns: She / Her

Selectivity: I always say I’m semi, but when it comes to following people first I’m always kinda picky.

Favorite animal: Oh, hmmmm I’m gonna fall back on my classic answer: cheetahs!

Favorite muse you’ve had so far ever: Ever? Honestly I’ve gotta say right now it feels like Lola. She’s fun to write as and people are liking the way I write her, and the game hasn’t even released yet. I’ll give honorable mentions to a couple of OCs I rped a while back, a Marvel gal named Trinity and a DC lad named Castor. I miss them to bits.

Muse you kinda wanna pick up: Um, well since I added a verse for the game and have been replaying it and its spin off recently I have to say one of the main trio from inFamous: Second Son. I’ve always wanted to rp as Delsin but I love Fetch ad Eugene just as much. I’m kinda gravitating towards Fetch though when I toy with the idea, even though I’d love to write any of them.

Most identifiable fictional character: This one’s very difficult. Very, very difficult because as I am right now, I’m not sure I can think of anyone that really comes close to being like me. I know when I was younger I identified a lot with Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet, y’know I was living with just my mom for so long and rarely saw my dad, I wanted to be a good daughter but got caught up in daydreaming all the time. Nowadays though... I’m just not sure.

What color your aura is/think it is: It’s probably a really deep violet, a blue-leaning sort of purple.

Personality stuff you agree with (astrology, mbti, Hogwarts house, etc be as specific as you want!): I may not understand a lot of astrology stuff but my sun sign, Taurus, I 100% am on board with. Y’know, until people are being ridiculous and reducing my sign to “oh I’m always hungry”. I don’t actually care for my Hogwarts House anymore because with the introduction of Ilvermorny it solved the problem I had for so long with Hogwarts’ sorting situation. With them I was always toeing the line between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, both are very mentally-inclind houses and I fit them both. Now I just stick with Horned Serpent at Ilvermorny because their entire premise is about importance placed on one’s mind.

Do you think you’re a good driver: Sure would like to know, if only my anxiety would let me breathe when I get behind the wheel. c:

Favorite minor discourse (pinapple on pizza, what color is the dress, etc): Idk I don’t relly get into the petty discourse that gets super popular. Maybe I can say I love mint ice cream? Like I know there’s a swath of people that think it tastes like toothpaste. They’re wrong, of course.

Favorite vine and/or meme: I don’t really... have favorites. Like I wasn’t really into vine when it was alive and I mean, I just don’t think about memes that much to have a particular favorite? I’m a bland human being, I guess.

Why did you choose this muse: This’ll be a two parter since I have two muses. Lola came about first, as soon as we got the teaser image for Afterparty I was excited beyond belief. I loved Oxenfree and played the shit out of it when it hit ps4. (I’d even have the platinum if I hadn’t fucked up on my last playthrough, oops). And the Night School tumblr posts periodic things with character and concept art, and eventually the first trailer dropped and I lost my shit. I immediately fell if love with Lola and Milo, and I decided awhile back to try and make a different multi blog with Lola, Alex from Oxenfree, and Mae from Night in the Woods. It was a sideblog with a pretty niche audience so things were quiet there. It wasnt until DBH happened that gears really started turning.

Because lemme tell you, I kinda wanted to not like Detroit: BH. I’d watched playthroughs of Beyond Two Souls and heard a lot of good stuff about Heavy Rain’s story. For some reason though I just wasn’t feeling the promotional stuff for DBH. I only decided to check out the playthrough I finished watching because I really love and trust the Youtuber who made it. I didn’t know shit going into except that there were androids and I’d seen glimpses of Kara before. So of course Jesse fucking Williams is in it and sweeps me off my god damn feet. I think I made it through what would amount to a couple of hours of gameplay (broken into parts ofc) before deciding to uproot Lola from her old blog and buddy her up with Markus.

Favorite rp memory: Hmmm. It’s a lot less actual roleplaying and more, I guess more of the acceptance. A few years back, right around the time Agents of SHIELD first aired, I made an OC I actually mentioned up above, Trinity Duvall. I was toying with the idea of making a super powered character that wasn’t necessarily a cape-and-costume kind of gal, because I was like... 17 and had no experience with the original comics or anything other than mainstream superhero stuff at the time. I decided I wanted her powers to not be her own, but tied to a stone that landed inside a meteorite, and that the stone would actually have the soul of an alien being tied to it. It’s a little complicated so I on’t go into details, but I felt at the time like I was taking a gamble. I wrte a couple oneshots about her, applied to a forum rp with her, and eventually ended up doing private rp stories with someone I met through that forum. Never once did I have to change her, she was just welcomed right away. And coming off a shitty run of luck with the first site I’d rped on? It was the confidence boost I really needed.

Favorite thing you’ve written, in rp or not: It might sound a little silly, but I’ve mentioned Defiance on her a couple times so why not. The one story I’m most proud of writing is actually on FF.N, it’s called Fragility. It’s a short oneshot, not even 2k words. At the time I was trying to just write as often as possible even if I hated what I wrote afterwards, but this one... It provides an ending for a character the show kinda leaves in the void. A man comes home from space to find out the whole world has changed, an entire war has left the Earth terraformed with humans and aliens living together. He ends up finding out his wife’s still alive but oops, he’s actually not the real Gordon he’s just an alien that was implanted with Gordon’s memories. Every now and then I go back and read that little story and every time I do I still feel proud.

A line/lyrics/quote/etc you like or that means a lot to you: Nothing really jumped out as a favorite, so I went looking and found this passage I rather like from Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy: “There’s plenty of folk as’d like to have a lion as a dæmon and they end up with a poodle. And till they learn to be satisfied with what they are, they’re going to be fretful about it. Waste of feeling, that is.”

Give a shout-out to someone: @softestmood has been my best friend for the past year now, and they’ve made me feel loved even when I felt I was worthless. I feel like I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t met Rae, and I’ll always be thankful for that <3

Tagged by: ghost tagged by @oraculideluna, anoter sweetheart~

Tagging: @flawedcodinq @justmachincs @disciplinarynovel

#ʙᴇʜɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀsᴋ　/　ooc #long post #OOF #that's a novel

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serlymurly · 6 years ago

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A RANT ABOUT CHARACTERS, CREATION, AND THE PROCESS OF BEING INSANE

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s have a rant. A good, old fashioned rant about something that’s been nagging at my mind. First, paint the scene;

It’s 6 in the morning. The sun is rising outside. The love of my life is asleep in bed, our cat is in a box lined with a fuzzy blanket that I could have draped around my shoulders because frankly, it’s a bit cold. We have no creamer, and I think coffee wouldn’t help this headache that’s pounding away at my skull - and I have four people talking in my head.

Did I lose you yet? Probably not. It’s pretty straight forward. First - the puppy nailed to the wall. Four people talking in my head, what? Well - technically, I think they’re all me. But on a different level, only two of them are me. Got it?

One of me is going on about how this is all, in fact, a terrible idea and that to post any of this is to admit to a certain kind of insanity that I really shouldn’t be admitting to. This isn’t normal, on any level; I’ve never heard people talk about it, and the only person that I’m aware is actually on point with how I do things in writing is asleep.

The other part of me really wants banana bread, and frankly, I can’t fault that. Can you? Of course you fucking can’t, unless you’re allergic to bananas. Fuck yeah, banana bread.

Then, there’s the other two. One is a face that people who follow me are familiar with; James Oaklen. Don’t know who he is? Probably not! I’ll talk about him later. And he’s having a lovely conversation with this newest creation, this newest part of my intracranial house - Aeslen. But I won’t talk about her. Not yet.

So, yes. Four people. All adamantly talking their points, all actively going on and doing their own thing; existing in some level on a scene that I’ve always had in my head. Let’s explain that bit, shall we? Sorry this is disjointed - again, no coffee.

Flash back I don’t know how many years, and I was a young, young boy. I barely had any understanding of how to type; I’d never played a game outside of Banjo-Kazooie and Super Mario 64, games that required a controller.

I will spare the dirty details, but life at home was not perfect. There was yelling; there was hitting, there was strife, and a family that was slowly tearing itself apart. I could see the writing on the wall when I was 7, that’s how bad it was. So - my mom decides it’s a good idea to introduce me to this game she plays.

A game called Ultima Online.

And holy crap, that was amazing! I spent hours doing nothing of any importance on her computer, on our shitty internet in that crappy home in Ohio, just exploring this world with a character that I had created with my own two hands in a whole other world. This was a concept that I had never experienced; this was a new and exciting frontier for me. I named him Krill because that’s a COOL name and it sounds COOL. I gave him flaming red hair, I made him a paladin, and I spent hours just trying to kill skeletons in a really easy area at the start of the game because I kept forgetting how to fight things.

And then, one day, everything changed. UO, it turns out, maybe just the server I was on - had a very active community of this thing called ‘Role Players’. Weird, right? People who actively played out their characters as real, living things - in this world. Personalities, histories, everything. I stumbled on them by accident when I got lost in the big castle in the main town of the game.

There, at the time, was a bunch of high-end guilds. One was the Orcs (it was just people with orc masks on, but they pretended to be orcs and they rocked at it). There was the Highlanders (they wore kilts and I REALLY WANTED TO BE ONE). There was a merchant guild, and - all these other guilds I feel bad not remembering. And I was just this little seven-year old kid with a character named Krill with flaming red hair that walks into the middle of this big, IC meeting they were having. Imagine them responding to me with actual respect?

Imagine them actually… explaining what they were doing? With respect? I was so awestruck, I asked if I could play. They made me door guard. Boy, LET ME TELL YOU, I took that job so seriously. I stood just outside the meeting and I could see all their little talk, all while making sure nobody entered without permission. I was so hyped.

That, that stuck with me. Okay? Remember that. The idea - the concept that they had presented to me, this way that you could live another life through a digital form. That stuck with me.

But - well, things change. People. Lives. I never really got into the RP scene on that game; I wandered around and pretended to be part of things, but it was mostly them politely recognising me and letting me watch them do stuff. I only had an hour each day online, so it just - wasn’t enough. Eventually, my mom stopped paying for her UO account due to issues. So - back to the nintendo and other things.

Flash forward. Divorce imminent between the two parents. The world is collapsing around us children. My sisters are massive assholes, my brother and I feel like we’re alone together in a sea. So… in a desperate attempt to keep his spirits up, I introduce him to the concept. “Let’s pretend to be Link and go slay invisible monsters!”

Stupid, right? So we pick up sticks and start staying as far away from our house as we could. We’d talk about all the things we were fighting, we’d hit each other with ‘swords’, we’d drag our local friends into it! We just - disassociated. I think for him, it was mostly the swinging the sticks that was interesting; always fighting, always smacking things. But for me? I was using my mind to, you know. Envision such grandiose and wondrous things for us to be fighting! I was imagining landscapes, unspeakable monsters, and the type of person that I would be!

That evolved. Stuff happened again. We moved from where we’d been living to a new environment; Michigan. I like Michigan, don’t get me wrong; fucking love it there. But, well - we were young. I didn’t know anyone, and it was 5th grade. And then - more stuff happened.

I won’t go into nitty details, but one of my sister’s had a major incident occur. This lead to the family being put under more strain, which eventually finally snapped the cord. Grandparents died. One suddenly, one from cancer shortly after. A nasty, nasty divorce that left me feeling horrible. I was convinced that I could have stopped it - all of it. I was convinced that I should have; since I wanted to be that big hero, remember? Since I wanted to shoulder all the burdens.

I took it upon myself to never show any problems outwardly, after that point. I just smiled and acted silly and nobody really paid me much mind. “Oh, he’s always fine!” It’s about this time I got into (GASP) UO again. Freeservers, this time; technically, I think that was illegal, but who cares. I got deep into it; I made my first *real* RP character, who was of course a massive dork. Leone, a grey elf ranger that ate lemons - because I’d convinced *myself* that if you ate enough lemons, you could spit caustic spit? I don’t know, I was weird.

Leone would be my staple character for a long time. So long, in fact, that I began to wonder - as maybe we all do - where he stopped and I began. Sure, he was an elf with magic and grey skin - but personality wise, I felt he was a lot like me!

Then I learned that was a cardinal sin of roleplay. Apparently, you should never - EVER - make a character like yourself. You become too attached - which I did. You become too personally involved - which I did.

Games change, years move on. I went to SWG, I played a new character - Stodosmo Oci (horrible name I know). He was a security officer at a hospital! It was great. I loved it. It was a long, boring time of just sitting and watching doctors RP it out with patients in Mos Entha. And then.. I don’t know. Things. Again.

Went from there to WoW. Technically, I’d been in WoW since Vanilla - but the lore had never struck me as interesting enough to roleplay in seriously until just before BC released. I had a series of characters there, all sharing the same last name; Rodetan. Eventually, as Wrath came to a close, I decided to consolidate them into one large family tree.

WoW’s timeline sucks. That’s all you need to know about that.

Who remembers the early days of WRA? Alliance-side, there was a guild called ‘Stormwind’s Army’. Yes, it was just another military RP guild. Yes, we did a lot of patrolling and policing. It was fun, though; my character rose from an unwashed bum to chief recruitment officer. And then - drama happened. The guild split. I followed the ‘rebels’, and we formed the Vanguard of the Alliance (VotA). That was also fun.

Anyways, I’m sparing you all the nitty-gritty details - but this is where the story, once more, becomes interesting. After so long, VotA eventually fell apart. We all went our separate ways, and eventually three of the officers let me know that they’re still RPing in-game with this new group - Blood of Arathor, I think it was called. I’m asked if I want to join them. I say - sure, but not on the character I’d been using.

At the time, I was - kind of embarrassed of that character. I still am. He’s my best success story, yes, but he felt - I don’t know. Too close to me, in some ways that I won’t get into. So I thought - why not make a NEW character?!

OH BOY.

But there was a problem. And this is what most of this rant was building up to.

I had to build a new character.

From scratch.

Alright, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? - Except somewhere along the line of creating him - he came alive. In designing him, in creating his personality - I suddenly found that I was physically talking to myself - and in my mind, this quiet man was responding. James Oaklen, Knight of Stromgarde, was telling me about himself.

His goals. His life. His loves. His interests. All about himself; his world. How he felt about certain foods, how he felt about everything.

At the time - I had very, very acute problems in the real world. I was taking drugs, drinking heavily, I was obnoxiously depressed to the point of being borderline suicidal - and… well, this happened. What did it mean?

Don’t answer that. It’s not a real question, because it doesn’t matter.

I accepted that he was who he was - and he’s become one of my favorite recurring personalities in my characters. And he’s not the only one, anymore. At some point, this - new way of creation, this way to create characters that exist in my own mind - just, settled in.

So.. I wanted to document how it works. Sort of. Maybe you at home can replicate it?

I start by closing my eyes. I think about what races there are to choose from, what classes or skillsets; and then I just… start to see a person. Whoa, weird, huh? Just an outline. A faint outline.

So, we reach out with our mind, and we call to them; and they slowly come forward. We get an imprint, a basic idea for what they look like, in our minds. So - we go to the creator and we try to do that. As close as possible.

Then we look at the character. Scars; how did they get them? Each scar is a story in itself, and as you look - they begin to tell you about each one. As if just explaining casually. James has a scar along his neck, which he earned when he almost died defending his Lady - something that he constantly thinks about as a time that he failed.

Or, other big features? James - again, using him as an example - has a large, bushy black moustache. It’s his family’s staple, a sign of their masculinity and proof that an Oaklen has come of age.

And so on. Then, by the time we get to the point where we have to name them, they’ve already told us the most important things. We don’t just have a vague outline in our little mind shack; now, we have a PERSON. And the name? Well… That’s a limitation of the system, baby. Pick something as close to what resembles the name they called themselves, and stick to it.

I could go into more depth. I could go into the process of creating a video where I create a character, but - well, why? It’s just this vague idea that I want to get across right now. I really doubt anyone will read this five-to-seven page long spiel all the way through. But it’s just - interesting, to me. It constantly is there, this - process, these characters, these people. And not just them; worlds come just as easily. Is that the product of an over-active imagination from a man that was desperately seeking to avoid reality and paint a better fiction for himself to sit in? Probably.

But… I don’t know. When it boils down to it, I just let it happen. I get ideas in my head all the time for wondrous worlds, characters and things - but the most agonizing problem is that they can never seem to translate into text or print. I can’t paint worth a damn, I can barely draw - and the one medium I have for escape, Roleplay, is something that I barely do anymore.

So - how do I make it stop? Do I want to make it stop? Should I? How do I harness this? How do I focus it into something specific?

If you made it this far, congratulations. I don’t know how to end it, so I’m just tagging all the mmo’s I’ve ever played or remember playing for giggles. Kudos if you get all of them!

#uo #wow #ffixv #wildstar #swg #coh #cov #co #eq #eq2 #DAOC #Horizons #Rift #Neverwinter #NWN #NWN2 #do nwn count as mmos? I like to think they do #Probably missing some #rant

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stcllify · 6 years ago

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Looking for RP Contacts:

basics ––––

NAME: C’etih Tehre Etoile Delarmes AGE: Late teens - early twenties RACE: Moonkeeper Miqo’te GENDER: Female SEXUALITY: Demisexual; panromanitic, male preference MARITAL STATUS: Single SERVER: Balmung! But I am more than happy and willing to hop to other servers for a visit~

physical appearance ––––

HAIR: Short. At the length it currently is, it looks a bit straight, but her hair actually curls gently at the tips. If grown out, or if it dries without her brushing through it properly, her hair has natural waves to it. As for the colour, there’s debate on whether it looks more brown or blond... it’s a bit of a mix between the two and sits at a very creamy, sepia sort of shade. She’s had her hair cut since Heavensward, though as of Stormblood, she may be debating on growing it again. EYES: Heterochromatic, one blue (her right), one topaz (her left). HEIGHT: 4’10′’ or so? BUILD: She has a rather petite frame, thin and lean, but not scrawny. She has lightly toned muscles, and a figure that is somewhere between pear and hourglass. She has a thin waist and wider set of hips... but her chest is a little on the flatter side. Don’t point it out unless you want her to possibly hurl a lemon at you. She has a little bit of a complex about it... DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Heterochromia, very faint facial tattoo markings on her cheeks and forehead. COMMON ACCESSORIES: Earrings- she changes them up a good lot. She’s fond of hats and flowers in her hair, as well as a necklace fashioned out of some sort of scrap metal. It looks to be of Ishgardian steel, and seems to be crafted into the shape of what may be a shield. There’s a horned beast’s motif painted onto it in red...

personal –––-

PROFESSION: Warrior of Light / Darkness, Astrologian Adventurer HOBBIES: She’s incredibly fond of stargazing and reading, though you may also find her exploring heavily forested areas. She enjoys spending time with friends and animals. Raises a bunch of small creatures (some of which will grow into not-so-small creatures). LANGUAGES: Common, some Ishgardian, Thravnairan. RESIDENCE: A small apartment in the Lavender Beds, Fortemps Manor (WOL verse) FEARS: Her loved ones dying, abandonment, being unwanted, being rejected, falling in love.

relationships –––-

SPOUSE: None. CHILDREN: None. PARENTS: C’aena Khaer (Mother, disowned), Tehre’to Mhanalie (Never met, whereabouts and status unknown). SIBLINGS: C’aedryn Tia (Half-brother) OTHER RELATIVES: ??? Has multiple half-siblings on father’s side that she’s not met. Father is a Moonkeeper.

traits –––-

extroverted / introverted / in between (more extroverted)

disorganized / organized / in between

close minded / open-minded / in between

calm / anxious / in between

disagreeable / agreeable / in between

cautious / reckless / in between

patient / impatient / in between

outspoken / reserved / in between

leader / follower / in between (Can be either, depends on what the situation calls for)

empathetic / unemphatic / in between

optimistic / pessimistic / in between (more optimistic towards others, pessimistic towards herself).

traditional / modern / in between

hard-working / lazy / in between

cultured / un-cultured / in between

loyal / disloyal / in between

faithful / unfaithful / in between

additional information –––-

SMOKING HABIT:

never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

DRUGS:

never /sometimes / frequently / to excess.

ALCOHOL:

never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

possible hooks –––-

Forest Dwellers? Are you a native of Gridania? Then there may have been a chance for Etoile to happen upon you during her forest exploration rounds! She often spends time in heavily forested areas, curious looking around for plants or animals. Perhaps it’s a strange hobby, but she also seems to enjoy climbing trees... Though there has been an instance where she’s gotten stuck before.

A fellow scion? Then there’s definitely a chance that there’s been a meeting at the Rising Stones, or perhaps they’ve adventured around together.

Ishgardian? Etoile has been in the care of one very eccentric Cyneric de Dzemael. Do you know of her slightly unhinged “teacher”?

A traveler? Etoile wanders around quite often and it isn’t unlikely for her to initiate conversations with her fellow wanderers. She goes around everywhere she can.

If there’s anything else, we can certainly discuss it! These are just a few that came off the top of my head, but my girl’s rather social and enjoys making friends and talking to others.

what I’m looking for ––––

PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING, REALLY?? And FRIENDS!!! IC and OOC! I’d love to make more tumblr and in-game connections! Also, I’d love to establish relationships of any kind for Etoile?? Friendly/Platonic/Familial… Or even Enemies/Rivals/Frienemies! I’m up for anything honestly- the sort of relationship where two personalities clash and can’t stand each other, but are inexplicably fond of and concerned for the other’s well-being, a sort of relationship between fellow scions where they're constantly trying to one up and other and improve themselves- anything! Will your muse become concerned about this youthful beam of light who has a tendency to take care of others but neglect herself? Do they need a warm smile and an extended hand? We've got you covered!

I'm always happy to do RP of pretty much any sort! Plotted, spontaneous, things that start from me sending a meme, or you sending a meme; I'm up for whatever! I'll write casual, light, cheerful themes, silly things, cute things, but I'm also willing to engage in darker themes and angst (god I love angst; if you want angst I'm immediately on board)! Send me a message~ I'm happy to write with OCs, other WoLs, and NPCs alike! Doesn't matter to me if you're single muse, dual-muse, multi-muse, whatever- hit me up~!

oocly, I am ––––

A complete dork. LMAO ;; I’m also pretty shy and I kind of suck at initiating a conversation, but I do love talking to people. ; w ;/ I’m more on the introverted side, but come at me screaming about anything you like tbh and I will happily scream with you. I’m 100% interested in making friends.

Slow to respond at times tbh! ;; This goes for messages and RP unfortunately; I have a really hectic schedule because I’m in a full time program at college right now, and I have a part time job on the side (only as a substitute preschool teacher though OTL my income ain’t steady this semester) but this often leaves me incredibly tired and drained... because of this, I don't tend to respond right away even if I want to, or I respond a bit sporadically. ;; But please don't take this as disinterest, or me ignoring you! I promise that isn’t the case. I’m just hella busy, and sometimes my life leaves me overly fatigued, and I often collapse into bed when I get home OTL

A multi-paragraph writer! It's been ingrained in me from the very beginning of my writing days LMAO ;; Please don't feel that you must match me; I’d rather you write at a rate and length that makes you comfortable! Multi-para is just how I’m comfortable with things, and sometimes posts come out longer than I initially planned or expected even if I try to keep it short LMAO.

HAPPY to plot things with you, make AUs with you... Any rp things? Throw them at my face.

On Balmung! BUT I haven't engaged in in-game rp because I get nervous and I’m slow LMAO ;; So please forgive me for that! ;; If you contact me on here asking for in-game rp, please keep this in mind. > <! I will try, but... rip.

you can contact me via ––

Tumblr Messages or Discord~! You can try in-game also, but I have a tendency to multi-task or AFK. Sometimes I log on and leave it there while I work on homework, and occasionally pop back into FFXIV for like 2 seconds to eye the market board or something, so Discord or Tumblr is your best bet. ;; But if I’m doing homework, I might not respond right away, since I tend to hyper-focus on finishing stuff up. > <!

#FFXIV #FFXIV RP #Balmung #Balmung RP

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strmyweather · 6 years ago

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Third Time’s the Charm

For just a four-week (and relatively gentle) cut, this most recent adventure was definitely more of a roller coaster than anticipated! It started and ended on relatively high notes, but with a great big dip in the middle. This was my third time through the Renaissance Periodization gauntlet, and the logistics feel pretty familiar by now, yet I still somehow manage to come away from each of these with progressively deeper insight into my own physiology. I feel like one of the official RP hashtags should be #alwayslearning! I've definitely posted a lot more in the Facebook groups than anywhere else lately, so this post is going to be long, even by my standards — apologies in advance! :) Quick background recap. I finished my second cut in late January 2018 with an all-time low scale weight of 133.7# — and also with a lot of metabolic and hormonal issues. I couldn't sleep, was freezing all the time, had a nagging back injury, my hair was falling out, I had through-the-roof anxiety, and I lost my period for nearly four months straight. The goals had been to (1) get my first ring muscle-up, and (2) get below 20% body fat (read: lean enough to eventually do a massing cycle), and while I did meet both those goals, it was clear to me in hindsight that I should have stopped that cut about 3-4 weeks sooner than I did. It was also clear that I subsequently needed a LONG maintenance period, both to let my body heal and to regain some of the barbell strength I'd lost over the previous year (while focusing on gymnastics and fat loss). The immediate post-cut period was a mixed bag. Physically, I certainly started feeling better in every respect. My back pain completely disappeared within a week, and I also ultimately got my muscle-up about two weeks AFTER the cut was over (a testament to the magic of a smaller body that is ALSO properly fueled!). Furthermore, I finally listened to my coach and began rating my workouts appropriately (generally 'Moderate', not 'Light') in terms of my carbohydrate consumption, which helped performance and recovery tremendously. However, despite a fairly slow and careful reverse-diet progression, the scale definitely climbed higher than I'd hoped — my Cut Week 12 average had been 135.8#, and I finally plateaued at 140-141#. Objectively, I'm 5'5" with an athletic build (and literally haven't been in the 130s since puberty), so this wasn't unreasonable on the part of my biology by any means, but after 12 weeks of such close analysis of scale data, it took a while for my brain to settle down about it. However, in mid-April, performance finally started to hit its stride — I was still feeling pretty light and efficient on gymnastics, and when we tested a few barbell maxes, I shocked myself by easily recapturing almost all of my old numbers (most of which had been attained more than a year earlier, when I was 30-35# heavier) and even exceeding a couple (crushed my overhead squat PR by 15 lb!). After that, I finally accepted that the 140-142# range seemed to be a good all-around functional spot for me. And then I went to Cuba, on the same wonderful health professionals' trip that I took last year. Leaving aside the mojitos, beaches, and classic cars, one unfortunate wrinkle to this year's trip is that almost every single one of us developed some degree of GI issues. Apart from being rather irked that my famously iron gut had let me down, what this meant in a practical sense was that I could barely eat for almost a week (while still doing a ton of standing, walking, and other low-level activity). I had rolled my eyes at myself while obsessively packing a cache of nonperishable RP-friendly snacks, but I was ultimately grateful that I had done so, because I knew I needed to at least force myself to gag down a casein shake every night no matter how nauseated I was! I came home having dropped back to 138-139# territory — and, in hindsight, I think this served as a 'mini-cut' in the true sense of the word, in that it predisposed me to gain weight. I wasn't fully recovered from the metabolic aftereffects of my previous cut (had literally just gotten my period back for the first time while we were in Cuba... because of course that would happen), and so that week of unintentional severe restriction, combined with (undoubtedly) a major shift in gut flora, PLUS my coach putting me on a strength cycle... well, it was the perfect storm to lead to a bit of a rebound weight gain. I had stopped checking the scale daily or even weekly at this point, but throughout late May and early June, most of the numbers I saw on my spot checks were in the 143-146 range. Beyond just the scale, my clothes were also starting to fit differently (my hard-won 34C bras were getting a bit tight), gymnastics were feeling tougher than they had in months, and I was suddenly feeling self-conscious in my gym clothes. Something had to be done — but with the aftereffects of January still fresh in my mind, and with heavy barbells now the focus of my training, I had more than a little PTSD about the idea of embarking on yet another cut. The quirk of fate that provided my 'accidental' acceptance to the 2018 New York City Marathon (which is a whole other story) is what ultimately nudged me into pulling the trigger. I’ve run marathons before, but not since starting 1:1 CrossFit programming or since following RP. Knowing that a shift in my training would be coming soon, I posted a question in the RP Endurance group about my situation. I had the vague idea of combining a cut with the early or middle phase of the marathon training plan, when a calorie deficit would be easier to hit. One of the endurance coaches promptly replied — with exactly the opposite of what I'd expected to hear. "Cut now. Start today. Finish as far out from the marathon as possible." I blinked for a second, and then it clicked. For some reason, it took someone ELSE saying it to trigger the light bulb. Of course. For goals like mine — maintenance of strength and muscle mass — heavy barbells are actually the perfect time to cut. Marathon training, by comparison, would be the WORST time for someone like me to cut, because although the scale would certainly drop, I'd also be a lot more likely to lose precious muscle along with fat. I started back on strict Base the very next day. If nothing else, this made me very aware of all the tiny luxuries I'd managed to work in — no more extra glasses of milk, sneaky spoonfuls of PBfit, or "tastes" of Reddi Whip squirted directly into the mouth! :) However, because I was still fearful of pushing the limits too far and knew that I objectively didn't have very much weight to lose, I also set myself some parameters. My three 'hard stops' were that I wasn't going to go below 138#, wasn't going to extend the cut beyond 8 weeks, and wasn't going to utilize the third/harshest phase of the cutting plan (since slashing carbohydrates would be counterintuitive to my performance goals). Week 1 Starting weight: 147.2 lb Week 1 Average: 144.2 lb The first thing I noticed was that my mental state calmed down tremendously. I hadn't fully acknowledged how much this situation had been worrying me, and I had also forgotten how lovely the 'control' of a cut can feel. From day one, I was no longer afraid of the number on the scale, because now — rather than being passive (and therefore frightening) information — it was a tool that I could use to make changes. Further, I knew I got to look forward to watching it go DOWN! :)

I also knew I had a peak week programmed in (what would have been) Week 5 of this cut, so every time the scale showed a number that was higher than I'd hoped, I felt an odd mix of disappointment AND reassurance that "at least that's more mass with which to move the barbell!" Oddly, I think the fact that I had a rationale for not entirely WANTING to see a massive scale plunge helped me to approach this whole thing with a bit of a healthier mental state. The second thing I realized during this first week is that I had drifted further from my templates than I'd thought. In many instances, I was habitually shorting my fats and (not always consciously) exceeding my prescribed carbs. I made sure to write this down, so I could correct it when I started to work my way back up towards Base; however, I also didn't re-add all the fats I had dropped, because that seemed like a silly thing to do in the first stage of a *cut*. As such, my first week of this adventure was spent on an imaginary 'gray zone' tab that I named 'Cut 0.5'. :) This first week was, honestly, pretty smooth sailing. My parents had been in town for a visit, and we'd eaten at a couple of restaurants, so my starting weight of 147.2# was a bit artificially inflated; however, this meant that I had a very gratifying water weight drop across the first week (five pounds!). This made my clothes start to fit better AND my gymnastics feel instantaneously better, both of which were big morale boosts. I started to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I might be able to knock this out in six weeks instead of eight. Week 2 Average: 143.8 lb This was where the plateau started to hit; that lovely five-pound drop was (naturally) followed by a RISE of 4# across 4 days. This was partly being driven by hormones (PMS week), but in a shorter cut like this, you don't wait around if you don't have to. Midweek, I could tell that my average was going to stagnate, so I went ahead and moved onto the first fat loss tab. This impacted my sleep almost immediately (hello darkness my old friend...), and also led to that annoying, familiar feeling of weakness and shakiness on non-training days when carbs were low. However, in general, I continued to feel pretty good — handstand push-ups in particular were suddenly feeling awesome, and although barbells FELT noticeably heavier, my hard numbers hadn't actually backslid. I had two notable non-scale victories in week two. First, I had two unavoidable restaurant meals in the span of 4 days (a dinner and a post-workout breakfast), wherein I managed to (1) stay compliant and (2) calmly enjoy myself and my company in the process, feeling neither deprived NOR the usual overwhelming creeping dread about the unpredictability of the food in front of me (green salad with grilled shrimp/veggies for the dinner, an egg white omelet with salsa, veggies, and toast for the breakfast). It sounds so simple, but I just never learned how to do that very well on my first couple of cuts — how to simultaneously make good nutrition choices in a social setting AND truly FEEL okay mentally about those choices, rather than anxious or apologetic or defensive or self-conscious. This set of coping skills would have been a worthy takeaway no matter where the scale ended up. Second, this week made me recognize and appreciate the value of cycle tracking. Losing my period for so long after my last cut was admittedly nice on one level, but was also incredibly annoying, because I had no hormonal context in which to confidently interpret my day-to-day physical and mental fluctuations. That experience prompted me to start paying MUCH closer attention to such things during maintenance, and now that I have a couple months' worth of notes, I absolutely see a very strong correlation between where I am in the month and how I feel (both gym-wise and mood-wise). It's pretty neat to write a description that says (for example) that I woke up roasting hot overnight, or the scale went up, or my mood was calmer than I expected, or my skin started breaking out — and then flip back to the previous month and realize I'd written the exact same thing on the exact same cycle day then, too. In addition to being just plain cool information (female bodies are weird and frustrating and also kind of incredible!), this is also extremely comforting, because it reminds me that I often have additional reasons to feel 'off' that aren't necessarily directly correlated to cutting.

Week 3 Average: 142.1 lb This third week was where I really started hurting. Training started to feel like utter garbage — I could still hit my expected/prescribed numbers on MOST things, but it was taking significantly more physical and mental effort to do so, and every so often I'd run headlong into an unexpected wall. Despite ZMAs and melatonin and even the occasional Flexeril, I couldn't sleep through the night at all anymore. My right shoulder got 'tweaked' and refused to calm down (much the same as my low back had done, during my second cut). And non-training days felt absolutely horrible — I wasn't "hungry" per se, but I felt persistently weak, and would get lightheaded every time I stood up. I checked my BP at work on one such occasion, and it was way down at 86/63.

Part of me was sufficiently freaked out that I almost wanted to go ahead and call it right here — not because I was struggling with hunger or cravings, but because I was extremely leery of (potentially) losing muscle or impacting performance without (by this point) any particularly good reason for continuing to do so. However, I also knew that the wise RPer overshoots slightly, when feasible. I was also able to recognize the fact that, since I'd already made the mistake once of not stopping a cut when I should have, I was probably a bit hypersensitive to discomfort this time around, from the perspective of not wanting to make the same error twice. I decided I had at least one more week in me. And this third week wasn't all bad: I practically danced a jig when I started my period (on time!), because I knew it would be sending the scale on another nice downward trend. This was also the week when I started to feel really good about my physical appearance — which I guess shouldn't have surprised me, but did, probably just because my first two cuts had felt like such long slow slogs. But the very reason that this one was shorter was because I didn't NEED to lose very much — and it was definitely gratifying to feel this degree of satisfaction so early in the process, comparatively speaking. I also measured myself this week and compared the numbers to my old log, which made me realize that — though I was (fortunately!) not as tiny as I was at the very end of my second cut, I was generally matching up with where I'd been about three weeks from its end — at a point when I had weighed (wait for it) 138#, a.k.a. the weight I had picked as my 'hard stop'! Given this — essentially the same measurements as before, while also 4# heavier — I realized I'd probably increased my lean body mass significantly during maintenance (hooray!), and therefore should probably adjust my boundary lines accordingly. After some thought, I decided the cutoffs should be: — an average of 140# (rather than 138#) — since, along with performance, my other highest priority was (and is) muscle preservation. If I was measuring the same at 142# as I had been at 138#, then willfully cutting all the way to 138# this time might have been flirting with the edge of diminishing returns. — a maximum of SIX weeks rather than eight — because, the shorter the cut, the less it would spill over into marathon training (which was *definitely* the setting where I'd be more likely to lose muscle). — a plateau on the FIRST cutting tab, or possibly a 'gray zone' of tab 1.5, rather than going fully onto the second tab... a decision that was also related to my impending marathon training. I have a prior history of metatarsal stress fractures as it is, and hence am highly motivated to NOT screw up my hormones again at the moment, which made me reconsider the wisdom of dropping my fats all the way down to 7g/day (as I'd have done on the second tab). All of the above is perfectly reasonable from every angle. However — although I didn't quite say so out loud — in my mind, by the end of this third week, I had already made the decision to call it at the end of week 4. That certainly wasn't how I'd initially planned for this adventure to go, but I was feeling rotten, I had a peak week coming up, and it was seeming pretty obvious that the cutting process was serving neither my body nor my priorities very well. Privately, as this week drew to an end, I was feeling like a bit of a failure, knowing that I was going to ‘quit’ sooner than I had planned. I'm accustomed to thinking of myself as 'strong' on all levels, more than capable of pushing through discomfort — and the cutting process is pretty familiar to me at this point, not particularly difficult or intimidating anymore — so I truly did not expect to be experiencing the physical effects quite so strongly at this stage of the game. Even though it wasn't a terribly logical thing to feel, I was definitely more than a little disappointed in my body for 'letting me down'. However, this is one arena where my loquaciousness served me well; I started writing a blog post about the negative things I was feeling — and by the end of it, I had convinced myself that (1) it's also a victory to recognize the point of diminishing returns and know what the responsible decision is, and (2) the fact that I was 'feeling' the cut this strongly this time could, in fact, be viewed as a direct reflection of the tremendous progress I've made in my training over the past year, how very hard I'm working every day, and how well my current baseline nutrition habits are serving me. In other words, the major impact I feel when I mess with my homeostasis is itself a testament to the healthy habits I've developed in SUPPORT of that homeostasis. Looking at it that way made me feel better.

Week 4 Average: 140.2 lb Nadir: 138.3 lb ...So then, of course, things immediately improved. :) The gym started feeling closer to normal, AND the scale took a nosedive (both of which always happen in cycle week 2 — note to self: structure ALL future cuts this same way! :)). I also saw a new sports massage guru for my shoulder, who did some cupping (which I'd never had before — interesting experience) and was able to help the discomfort pretty significantly. It's not gone, but it's better, and I bet a few days of higher calories will be the tipping point. As per my mental wrestling match last week, I was always going to choose to stop today, regardless of the numbers. HOWEVER... my average for this week has ultimately ended up being 140.2#, with this morning's weight being the lowest I've seen so far, 138.3#. Meaning, based on my parameters above... it's officially time to stop ANYWAY! ...Which just makes me laugh and shake my head at the workings of the universe. :)

Numbers: This Cut: — Starting weight (Day 1): 147.2# — Ending weight (Day 28): 138.3# — Highest to lowest: down 8.9# — Weekly averages: down exactly 4# across 4 weeks — Inches: down 6" total (1" off bust, under-bust, and hips; 1.5" off waist and belly) DEXA, January 2018 vs July 2018: — Weight (on their scale): up exactly six pounds since January, from 134.8 to 140.8 — BUT, get this — LEAN mass has INCREASED by SEVEN pounds since January (!), AND — body fat is also DOWN another 1.5% since January (from 18.6% to 17.1%)... which is probably primarily from the efforts of these past four weeks. I mean... I'm just saying... it basically doesn't get better than that! Takeaways: — As I mentioned, the process of strictly dialing in my macros again has definitely helped me identify some places where I'd drifted further from template on maintenance than I should have (often shorting fats and exceeding carbs). Since I haven't left FL1 on this go-round, I'm now in a very good position for a 'controlled reentry' over the next couple of weeks, which will be a chance to correct this and hopefully end up with EVEN MORE FOOD/calories on my new base. As of today, I could technically jump to New Base all in one go — but in the interest of optimizing the final macro result (and rebounding as little as possible, weight-wise), I'm going to split it into two jumps of about 150-200 calories apiece. I'm sure I'll end up adjusting as I go, but my tentative plan for right now is to add 1.5 servings fat to NTD, and 0.5 serving fat plus 20-25g carbs to training days (to bring me back to ‘Light-Plus’ territory); the second jump (in probably 1-2 weeks, depending on what the scale does) will be adding back the rest of the fats. — Related: this experience also confirmed for me that, on maintenance, I was definitely rating my workouts correctly as (for the most part) Light-Plus or Moderate. I don't discount the RP approach of resistance training being the primary driver of ratings; however, my personal experience (yet again) is that INTENSITY matters also. I'm on the 2.0 version of the templates, meaning my first tab has only cut my fats, not carbs — but I've rated almost every single day as Light for these past four weeks, and in terms of how beat up and under-recovered I've felt, I do think the carb deficit has likely played just as much of a role as the overall calorie deficit. — We all know this already, but I think my degree of success here really speaks to the power of a long maintenance in terms of repairing our metabolism. Last time, I saw zero change on Base, then plateaued on FL1 in the middle of Week 4 and had to move to FL2 for the remaining 8+ weeks of the cut. This time, after five months of maintenance, I actually LOST a bit of weight on Base (!), and then Week 4 was where I saw the overall BIGGEST scale drop... without ever leaving FL1. — Going forward, I'll be very interested to see how well this all 'sticks' — how the degree of rebound compares to previous cuts. For obvious reasons, mentally and logistically, I found this cut DRAMATICALLY easier than either of my first two, so it'll be useful information to know whether a commitment this short in duration actually has any lasting effect to make it worthwhile as a potential future approach. (Based on this experience, if I keep training at this level, I also may need to give a bit more consideration to trying 1:1 for future cuts.) — Overall, I definitely 'got what I needed' out of this, which is: back to feeling proud of my body in all respects — happy with the fit of my clothes, with my visual appearance, and with my performance. I mean, we always want to push the envelope just a bit further — the hints of actual abs that I've been able to see this week are admittedly tantalizing! — and I certainly COULD push further if that were the priority, but right now, it isn't. And after all the ups and downs of the past few years, it's comforting on some level to know that "this is all I had to do" in order to get back to a place where I'm at peace with my body. Although this won't be my first marathon, the training for it is going to be a brand-new learning curve now that I'm on individualized CrossFit programming as well as following RP, and it'll be a huge help to know that I'm starting from the best possible place, physically speaking. — Also, although it may sound a bit silly, it's oddly mentally reassuring to know that I seized this opportunity to 'dial it in' and shave off just a couple pounds during an (admittedly brief!) window when it logistically made sense to do so. The scale is fickle and the amount of actual fat loss was certainly small — but I won't have the opportunity to cut again for another few months, and knowing I did everything I reasonably could during THIS phase — not to mention, everything I learned from that stellar DEXA result! — lets me feel a bit more emotionally okay about fueling my body purely for training and performance over the challenges to come. It's gratifying to watch the swing of this pendulum get progressively narrower as I hone in on the ideal spot in terms of both appearance and performance. Honestly, in so many ways, I barely recognize myself compared to a year ago. I'm happy right here, and this is a great spot to sit and breathe for the moment, but I'm also already curious — and optimistic — about whatever may come next. #massing? ;)

#RP #RenaissancePeriodization #CrossFit #athlete #fit #progress #weightloss #nutrition #fitness #macros #IIFYM

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moonlit-nightingale · 7 years ago

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.:RP-Void Crystal Arc:. A Friendly Visit

Characters:

Saranqerel Qalli (male Xaela), Dain Kotodama (male Xaela)

Rating: Nothing scary, general.

Origin Date: 10 May 2018

Tired, sore, and immersed in something he’d always wanted to avoid, Sari is paid a visit by a trusted friend and brother.

-------------

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol had meandered through the camp, blade at his side, in search of the smaller Qalli. It was almost entirely awash before he spotted the man in the corner of a war map. Masked head canting to the side as he approached. <Such a big map. The Alliance is silly.>

Saranqerel Qalli was taking a break from the stuffy tent, looking over the table. It was quiet, especially in wake of the latest attacks. Rest was needed. <D-dain! What are you doing out here?> He slowly stands, hands on the table for support.

It's said so simply. As though he were serious, the mask cutting off facial expressions didn't help one bit. <You look ragged. You aren't sleeping. Are you eating at least?>

Saranqerel Qalli tilts his head to the side, tired state making him miss the joke. <The mess hall is that way...> He points to his right near a bunch of tents. <The local innkeep helps quite a bit, we're blessed to have him.>

<Sari. You know I live in Hingashi now, yes?>

Saranqerel Qalli is quiet, mind slowly putting things together. <Oh.> Is all that is said. Slow, computing. <A...anyway, you shouldn't be here. The combat is a bit too close to this place as of late.>

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol stared at Sari. Though his right hand, as the left was still actively missing, reached up to slip the plate of the mask away. Clipping it to his side.

<Family at the dojo? And I’m fine, just a few bruises and bumps.> He'd honestly forgotten about his own mask, it had been such a habit to wear it as such.

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol nodded once. Fingertips tapping against the porcelain seeming plate. <The seven - my masters other students. I haven't seen them since the war ended.> Though with a shake of his head, he didn't tarry there. <I'm more concerned about you, especially after seeing you like this.>

Saranqerel Qalli smiles a bit at that. <It seems you have your hands, um, hand, busy. Too busy to worry about me. Zen and the knight fellow...Roi, I think? They've both lent a hand.>

<I've heard, and truthfully... If it weren't for my arm and my mind, I would offer my blade as well. Currently I'm being kept as Botan's body guard, far away from actual fighting.> A deep sigh left him at that. Though his hand reached to a satchel, tossing it to Sari, landing atop the map and certainly scattering any little pieces it hit! <Dried meat and a preserved fruit bread. Traveling food... as close to home as I could do. Really, I had help in the kitchen.>

Saranqerel Qalli gives a small yelp at the scattering of pieces. He spent so long making sure they were perfect! He reached over the long table, nearly laying on it to try and put them back. <T-thank you. I wouldn't want you here anyway. Nothing personal but it /is/ best for you to recover. Thank you for the food though.> A brighter smile under messy bangs as he was still splayed over the table, tail giving a weak swish. <How is everyone back at Quill?>

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol was probably proud the pieces went everywhere. Destruction, making a mess of tables, he could appreciate these things. <Safer now. The mission against Monsutra was called off, from my understanding no survivors had been found. Botan has her voice back as well! Though people have entered a state of silence in home and hearth.>

<Oh!> A blink behind that Wailer mask as he rights a piece near a depiction of the river. <I'm glad to hear she's doing well!> Though the news of that terrifying fight in the Ruby Sea was not fondly remembered.

<Maybe I'll make sure to tell her that when I next write as payback for messing up my map!> The pieces were finally finished being set and Sari slid off the the table, both feet flat on the ground once more. <You still haven't gotten that fixed...? That had to make things difficult.>

<We are busy with things, so I haven't pestered her actively about it no.> The man sheepishly reached up to rub the back of his head.

<Value isn't something that should be attached to people in a priority fashion, brother. If I had the knowledge, I'd do so myself. It would be a welcome distraction.> The bag was pulled over the be browsed through, familiar scents making him smile.

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol waved the thought off. <If a pawn cannot help it's master achieve their goals it is bereft of value. Though I am somewhat harsh, as I am not a useless piece. Just... not as useful as other concerns.>

<Your presence here this evening is most valuable if you want to put weight on such things. Seeing a familiar friendly face that /isn't/ in the Alliance is more than welcome.> The sack is sealed again as he looks over with a happy but tired tail swish.

<So if I joined the Alliance it would then ruin your evening.> A thoughtful hum follows this; but only for a moment as even he laughs. <When this is over you must come visit us in the East. You have family worried about you there.>

<I'd like that. It feels like it's been some time.> The pack is held close to his chest, the gear worn and dirty. <And I want you to take care of yourself and get that hand fixed!>

<It has been... Though, if I may say, you seem somehow less heartbroken now?> A small sound leaving the man as his fingertips brushed along the mask again. Like his attire something carefully put together to better represent his master. <Purpose has done good things for you.>

<Ah...well.> The masked gaze looks to the table. <I've come to terms that perhaps I'll never find someone in a way I want. But I have friends and family I hold dear and I need to stop forgetting how much they care.>

<It is best to build first into the love of family, everything else will follow as Nhaama ordains it.> A small nod is given, a brief smile. <You know... I find it hard to determine the moment you became a man. I had known a growing boy, but look at you now. For whatever it may be worth I am proud.>

Saranqerel Qalli tilts his head to the side, looking back up. There may be the slightest of a blush visible under the half-mask. <...I wasn't aware I came off as anything less when we met.> A curl of the long scaly limb in embarrassment, scraping the stone gently.

<You were a bright eyed son of the Steppe, like a much more mature version of myself when I left!> As though he was all that much older. <In any case. You've grown well. I can't wait to see whom you yet become.>

One hand left cradling the gift of food to scratch near the edge of the mask. <...t...thank you, brother. It's appreciated. You as well. The new gear suits you.>

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol smiles a bit broader to this.

The description can't help but make him smile. <It's very distinguished.>

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol hums a moment. The man shifted, bowing deeply to Sari. <A matter I may have you help in when you come visit. A reason to pressure you into following through and doing so.>

<I'm afraid I know nothing of clothes, that's why they issue me this.> The Qalli chuckles with a shrug, the golden of the cloth muted with sandy dust. <Though there is no need to pressure me. As soon as I do my duty here, my first stop will be to see everyone.> He returns the bow slightly, not wanting to accidentally klutz and spill the contents of the bag, even if tied.

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol was only disappointed he didn't get Sari to bow and knock over his figures.

Saranqerel Qalli's smile is a bit more saddened at that. <With the way of things here, likely not. We have to clean up the mess in this region and /still/ have to make it to Ala Mhigo.>

<It's likely this will go on for awhile... If nothing else I'll ask Kiraa to be around longer. Much of my fighting style is an imitation of his. Likely the one of them I'm closest to next to Narisada...> A small shake of his head given. <But. Whatever Nhaama wills.>

<Aye.> A hug of the pack, glad for simple comforts here. The parting wasn't welcome at all, a reprieve of all this...war. <Thank you, very much so for stopping by and just talking, let alone for this.>

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol blinked at this. Head canting to the side. <You're my little brother whom I love very much. A man that is new to greater war. I intend to check on you as much as I can, at least when an aetheryte I'm attuned to is near. While I know you will be fine... I worry the same.>

<As taxing as worrying can be, knowing someone cares enough to do so makes them worthwhile. ...that was a terrible mix of words, sorry.> A slight blush.

<Don't apologize, it makes your face red. Drink plenty of liquids, heatstroke should be avoided.>

<I-I am! You're starting to sound like Seething Rock now,> he mumbles.

Saranqerel Qalli sulks more at that before perking up. One hand goes to the pearl in his horn as he listens. "Aye. ...what, how did they... Aye, I'll wake them up. We'll be on our way shortly. Stay safe." Straightening up, a frown is instantly on the younger male's face. "There was another attack. I need to go."

Shigiyama Dataqkahkol closed his eyes, a hand had started for his weapon, but veered away. He wouldn't be able to aid in a fight. <We'll talk again later. Go with Nhamaa's protection, Sari.>

Saranqerel Qalli nods, stepping around the table. <Travel safely back. Stick to the aetherytes. There's been no attacks in settlements yet but their boldness of late has me worried.>

#roleplaying #void crystal arc #dain kotodama

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clove-teasdale · 7 years ago

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midnight secrets

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

A/N: not a challenge! NEW YEARS PART 3. [PART 1, PART 2] last new year fic (JANUARY 1st!) Thanks @brooks-schreave for the rp. 2.2k words! sorry if this is a little messy. need to get on my challenge next. enjoy <3

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

I closed the bathroom door behind me once I was done with washing my face and teeth.

Walking back into the room, I found Brooks lying on the floor. His set up was basically the extra blankets from the closet and his pillow, so I walked up to him, tilting my head. “Comfy?”

He looked back up with a smile. “Absolutely.”

“Alright…” I didn’t buy it, of course, but slipped into the bed anyway, covering myself with the blanket after turning off the lights.

The silence became unbearable as I was too aware of him on the floor, so I reached for the ring I’d left on the nightstand to fidget with as I’d done earlier that night.

People from Angeles were not used to extreme winter weather, and I remembered how the day on the roof he’d mentioned it was cold. Now he was sleeping on the floor with nothing but a blanket or two and it was a bit chilly that night. He’s a prince. Sleeping on floors can’t be his usual. I sighed, setting the ring back on the nightstand and turning on the lamp to sit up and look at him.

He groaned, eyes focused on the ceiling. “Yes?”

“We’ll share the space. It’s big enough.” I hopped off the bed and took one of the extra pillows, placing it in the middle as a barrier.

“I don’t know, Clove.”

Yeah, me neither. I didn’t want him to sleep on the floor though, and that seemed to be winning on the list of priorities, even if I usually considered personal space more important. I trusted him not to do something stupid.

Taking another pillow, I placed it below the first one. There would be a vertical line of pillows between us. That was the best reassurance I could come up with. “You’ve done enough floor-sleeping for today.”

He didn’t argue again, getting up to lay instead on the bed. He kept one foot hanging off, however, refusing to be fully on it. I rolled my eyes a little, but it was still better than the floor so I sat back down and turned off the lamp again.

Lying on the bed, facing the ceiling, Brooks a barrier of pillows away, I still couldn’t sleep. After a while, I mumbled, “Just so you know, you fainted before I could say Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year,” he replied softly. He was rigid, or so I could guess from the fact that he hadn’t made any movements since I’d lied down.

I stayed silent again, realizing–as if it was hitting me for the first time–that a new year had really started. This was the first time I hadn’t spent New Years with my parents. Part of me was a little sad at the thought, but the other couldn’t even begin to imagine how awkward it would’ve been if I had been around. If I hadn’t made it to the Elite, I would’ve been there. In the middle of their divorce.

Festivities had always been a hit or miss for me with my parents fighting sometimes, but we had lots of good memories too. I’d been a little happy to hear Nate wasn’t that obsessed with Christmas though. The admission of it at the ball had been refreshing.

Sure, I didn’t hate the holidays by any means. I thought it was nice how at least people tried to be decent with each other around that time a year for the sake of it. But it could be a little fake sometimes as Levi had said himself. Some positive things could come from it, however. Being Secret Santa had been fun. Having an excuse to give people gifts. Playing with snow back in Columbia. Sparklers were my favorite things in New Years. Those insignificant details gave it some value, even if it wasn’t always perfect. And there’s nothing wrong with being thankful for starting a new year.

It was truly the moment to say anything could happen.

“Do you think others will wonder where you were for the countdown?” I ventured, thinking of my own parents and if they spent the night separately. They probably had. They’d made a decision and had no reason to act like it wasn’t happening.

“At home?” He asked.

“Yeah, don’t you guys do something around this time?”

“There should be a party. I don’t think it’s that big a deal I’m not there. What about you? Do you wish you were there?”

“The palace?”

“Yeah.”

“No. We wouldn’t have our lead then… and I’d probably be doing the same thing if I were there. Well, except I’d be alone…” my hands fidgeted with the blanket. Or maybe I’d be with Eloise. “At home, Dad would’ve been telling some silly New Year’s resolution he would never get to though.” If I’d been there that is.

“Like what?”

“Last year he said he would take up gardening.” I smiled a bit at the memory. He was horrible with nature, but he always feigned determination when suggesting weird resolutions. Anything to get us laughing… My eyes drifted to the documents on the nightstand and I took a deep breath. “Obviously he had no time for that as always. Too much work to do… clearly tricking millions of people takes over someone’s time. He’s dropped one lie though.” My voice got smaller. “Now he doesn’t have to pretend like his marriage is a perfect love story.”

“Clove…” There was rustling on his side. Maybe he’d turned to look at me, but the pillow was in the way. I couldn’t tell and my thoughts were going in a different direction either way as my vision blurred.

“It’s fine. Not that it ever was after he cheated on Mom.” I wiped my eyes. I’d never used the word ‘cheated’ in a line that involved my parents. Not with anyone outside Mom or Dad themselves.

“Before the Selection, I thought maybe they would get the divorce while I was in college,” I continued, bothered by the way my voice was clearly going to crack, but unable to stop. “I thought it would be fine, but now it turns out he’s also involved in all this…I-I should be glad to hear the news—I thought I was—but this is not when it was supposed to happen. I don’t want to be around the house when it’s happening.”

A humorless scoff escaped my lips at the thought of not wanting to be eliminated. “Kind of ironic I want to stay at the palace now, isn’t it? A few years back, he was the reason I stopped coming, you know? Not you or anyone else. Not school. Not being busy… I just didn’t want to go on trips with him after I found out he had—” I rubbed my face, “done it with my history teacher.”

My hands were still over my face as I sighed with a frown at the thought. “I didn’t want to hear Mom argue with him either, so I stopped coming.” It was the only solution my ten-year-old self could come up with. “Sometimes I wanted them to end it. Divorce already. To make it all stop… but then, I realized how I liked having them both around. Not being under shared custody, or one custody, or however that even works. I liked the stupid jokes and laughs and dinners when things were going well…” Pretty selfish, I knew that, but I was younger and some days were pretty good.

The past year they’d taken a bad turn though. Worse than any other year. That’s why I’d been so desperate to leave. Why them finally giving an end to it all while I was gone sounded good. They’d stuck with each other all my life, and if I was going to be out of the house soon, it was a perfect time.

Hands covering my face as I let it all out in a ramble to a prince that I was very likely falling for, in the middle of the night, however, made me realize I’d underestimated how hard it would hit me when something I’d dreaded so much finally became reality.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, focusing again on what I was saying and mumbled, “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. You‘re probably going to forget tomorrow anyway.”

“I won’t forget.”

Taking my hands off my face, I looked at the pillow between us. Then I muttered, “You’re drunk.”

There was silence. I pressed my lips together, wondering if he was looking at the pillow too, but then he sat up slightly, probably leaning on his elbow, eyes meeting mine over the pillow before he reached for my hand. “I’m not.”

He looked over at our hands and then back at me. Quiet. I had just poured out things I’d never talked about with anyone. Thoughts I’d never let leave my mind. And he leaned down over the pillow.

I closed my eyes as his lips brushed against mine. It was a soft kiss. Light. Simple. But it felt reassuring. He was telling me it was okay. That he was there, listening–sober enough.

I spared our hands a glance as well, squeezing slightly like I had at the party. “You sure?”

“This time, yes.” He kissed my cheek after and then lied back down. His hand held onto mine over the pillow though. I stayed like that for a moment, then let go to instead lift the pillow a bit. Looking at him under it, I hesitated for a moment before asking, “You lied the day after the ball… right?”

He turned on his side to look at me. “Did you?”

“I never said anything… I just went along with what you said,” I pointed out, letting go of the pillow, realizing that was not a question I wanted answered while making eye contact. “You called it a mistake. What else was I supposed to do?”

“It wasn’t a mistake.”

I stared at the pillow. It was the first time he finally denied it, so I mumbled an okay, taking a moment before turning to face the nightstand. This was a good a time as any to go to sleep. “I don’t think it was either.”

There was silence for a beat, then I heard him move the pillow. Soon enough he was scooting closer to wrap his arm around me, taking my hand in the embrace. “Sleep now, darling.”

A smile tugged at the corner of my lips at the use of ‘darling.’ It was becoming more normal to hear. I squeezed his hand and closed my eyes, mumbling, “Goodnight.” It was weird, for sure. But not bad.

I was too asleep to think about it any further.

Half asleep, I turned around to snuggle against the pillow, pulling my blanket closer as I felt the temperature drop from early morning. My room is usually cozier…

After a few minutes, I finally decided to stop slacking and get up, but as I opened my eyes, they widened at the sight of “my pillow.” What on Earth— Brooks was facing the ceiling, still asleep, his profile bare inches away as I lay on his arm. Oh dear, no, no, no— In my attempt to roll away, startled to see him so close, I fell off the bed with a yelp.

Brooks woke up at my racket, startled. “Wha- Clove?”

I scrambled to sit up quickly, though it proved hard tangled in my blanket. Blinking up at him from the floor, I cleared my throat. “False alarm, all good.” I smiled awkwardly out of embarrassment. He was as awkward as I was, even blushing. Honestly, I probably was too.

“We should leave soon.”

I nodded, standing up and picking up the blanket with me. I avoided his gaze as I placed a strand of ruly hair behind my ear. It seemed like the curls were coming back, but I didn’t care much for it. I’d never been so at a loss for words. Even in my head everything just seemed to be incoherent screaming.

“I’ll take the bathroom first if that’s okay,” I blurted out, gulping as I finally looked back at him to offer a small smile. A smile he, thankfully, attempted to return.

“N-no, go ahead.”

Walking over to the closet, I was quick to get my change of clothes and head for the bathroom. Looking over my shoulder before getting, however. I was amused to see he’d sat with his legs crossed underneath him, like a child sitting patiently. Too patiently.

Maybe he was screaming inside too.

Standing in front of the car—bags out as we faced the palace—I lifted the package Levi had given us as a ‘parting gift.’

“Who of us is keeping this safe?” We’d have to settle on that before splitting up to go back in through our different entrances. Rogers had served his purpose and given us the access points that would be less crowded around that time.

“I think I should. It’s not weird for me to have documents.”

“I scanned them a bit,” I explained, handing it over. “You should do the same. We can meet up to check them over eventually.”

“How’s tomorrow sound?”

I nodded in approval. “I’ll be watching your nose.”

“Just that?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but the rest of your face isn’t too bad,” thinking he wouldn’t remember, I added, “Pretty good for a 40-year-old.”

“You keep me young.”

#//fics #//not a challenge #//crooks #brooks tag #//new year's

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gideon--prewett-blog1 · 7 years ago

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OOC Survey!

Why did you choose to play the character that you do at Crimson Revolt?

Gideon and Fabian have been my muses for a looong time now. I think I’ve been writing one or the other since I was 16? (I’m 20 now I’m so old where has all the time gone!) And they just never get old, or boring, and they are so problematic and broken but beautiful wonderful people and I love them so much. I haven’t rped for a year ish now, and I came in fully intending to pick someone new, but then Gid’s bio hooked me right back in.

Do you have a favorite holiday?

Bonfire night! Where we burn an effigy of a man who tried to blow up our parliament yay! But for real, as soon as Autumn hits and you start smelling that smokey smell in the air I get so excited. Not to mention bonfire toffee and fireworks.

Do you prefer coffee or tea? Perhaps neither, or both?

Tea 100%. I have recently gotten into earl grey after one terrible experience with it as a child and spurning it ever since. Now I have seen the error of my ways, it’s amazing.

What is your personality type?

ISFP, last time I did a test, I don’t really know too much what it means.

What is your Hogwarts House?

Ravenpuff. It seems to alternate between the two every time I do a test, and I think I have qualities from both. I think at 11 I would have wanted to go to Ravenclaw and be one of the ‘smart ones’, now I think I’d much prefer to be in Hufflepuff, just working hard and and being kind and loyal.

What is your Zodiac Sign?

Virgo, I don’t really know what the significance of it is though I find horoscopes quite amusing.

Three most recently watched on Netflix?

I’m gonna do Amazon Prime instead because I use it way more.

So, Halt and Catch Fire, The X Files, and the movie 20th Century Woman, which was brilliant, I highly recommend it!

Describe your ride-or-die friend.

Can my brothers be my ride-or-die friends? We’ve been through a hell of a lot of shit together, and they are pretty much the only people in the world I’ve always been able to rely on, and will probably continue to be for the rest of my life. And I’m so freaking proud of them, they are both younger than me, but they are already better functioning human beings than me. Joe is doing an electrician’s apprenticeship and he’s so good at what he does and he loves it so much and everybody there really respects him and he’s just so darn funny! Then Tom is doing his A-levels and he’s like top in all his classes but he’s so modest about it and he’s either going to be a doctor or a citrus farmer and I think they are both really exciting options and whatever he does he’s going to have such a bright future. Spending time with them is so easy, and we know when we need to talk about serious stuff and when we need to just let the other be and when we need to mess around and have a laugh. When I came out as trans they barely blinked an eye, even though we had a really close brother/sister dynamic going on they immediately accepted me as their brother and the first time Joe introduced me as his brother to his friends I nearly cried. Can you tell I just really love them? I’m so freaking proud of them, I would do anything for them.

If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?

Okay, so I am a huge fan of the movie About Time, because I am a sucker for Richard Curtis films. I could watch it over and over and over again and not get bored, it’s so beautiful. So I think having the power he has in that movie would be great. Time travel had always made me really anxious because of the whole butterfly effect thing, but the way they do it in that movie really mellows it out, and the living every day twice thing to appreciate every moment is something I would probably benefit from a lot. Also I make a lot of silly mistakes, and I always realize just a moment too late, so if I could go back and erase those as they happened I would probably be taken a lot more seriously.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

I’m kind of inbetween right now? I used to be a huge night owl, and I slip back into those habits when on holidays. But because of work and uni I’ve been getting up early, and now I just stick to that routine even if it’s a day off. I’m also very dedicated to getting enough sleep every night, because the long-term effects of not enough sleep terrify me, so waking up early and going to bed late that night is just not something I like to do a lot.

What is your favorite color?

Yellow. It’s a relatively new favourite colour. My dad told me last year that he always saw me as a yellow person, like I had a yellow aura or something, and then I was like ‘I want everyone to see me as a yellowy person’ so I started wearing a lot of yellow, and I think people definitely started seeing me differently, and I certainly developed more into myself, and it’s crazy how just wearing yellow t-shirts could do that, but I swear it changed so much. And now most of the stuff I own is yellow and I think my dad was right, I think yellow really suits me, on more than just a visual level, if that makes sense.

What is the last book you read? What is your favorite?

The last book I read was ‘Just Kids’ by Patti Smith. It’s about her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe. I mainly bought it because I have a huge crush on the guy at the bookshop, and I wanted to buy something so I could interact with him, but I also wanted to look cultured. BUT THEN THIS BOOK OPENED MY EYES OKAY. Her way of writing is so beautiful, and the way she describes living in New York during the 60s and 70s is amazing, and the people they meet and the interactions she has with all these amazing artists at the time are so inspiring, and now I just love everything about that scene, and I need everything I can get on it.

My favourite book however, is ‘The Name of the Wind’ (and the Sequel ‘The Wise Man’s Fear’ because I’m a cheater) by Pat Rothfuss. I loved fantasy before these books, Lord of the Rings was a staple growing up. But this series changed the game for me. His world building abilities are just astounding, and his characters are so believable and in depth, and the story line is spectacular, and there is just nothing else out there that can live up to this standard I swear. Please, if you have any interest in fantasy, read these books, you will not regret a second of it!

Where would you rather be right now?

At home! I want it to be the Christmas Holidays so that I can see my dad and brothers already!

Have you ever watched the sunrise?

Yes, because I am horribly poetic and cliched like that. There was one period where I really wanted to catch a sunrise in this specific place, but every time I tried I got there too late, or it was really cloudy, or something else would go wrong, so I was chasing this sunrise for the better half of a year before I finally caught it and honestly, it was the best feeling when I eventually got to watch it.

Do you listen to music when you write? If yes, what kind of music?

I listen to music whenever I’m doing anything. It probably does not help, because I get distracted super easily, but sometimes I think I’m just living to find that next great song, and whenever I can’t listen to music I get really frustrated (like when it’s 6am and I’m having a shower but my flatmates will get really annoyed if I start playing songs that early).

Right now I’m on a 60s/70s kick because of this book I just read, but it’s usually a lot of folk and indie stuff.

What’s the one thing you especially love about roleplaying your muse/s?

I love the twin aspect, I really do, and maybe it comes from having a such a close relationship with my own brothers, but I do really love exploring that relationship. I also love that he’s a hot mess, but let’s face it, who isn’t?

What’s your favorite type of weather?

I like sunshine, I used to not, I used to like the cold and the dark, like some kind of gollum offspring, but now I can’t get enough of the sun and the warmth. Although that’s English warmth, I don’t think I could deal with Australia or Spain heat. Give me mild sunshine all the time please.

What’s your best RP experience?

I was in an rp for a year or so playing Fabian, and I got super close to the person playing Gid and she came to visit me from Germany once and we made a blanket fort and it was amazing. But mainly I just love the community aspect, wherever there is a good community, I am happy.

Who inspires you?

Right now? Patti Smith. She’s such an amazing artist, she just makes me want to make art. I’m pretty sure reading that book is the reason I decided to get back into rping, because I just wanted to start writing again and writing consistently every day, because I think I’m a better person when I’m creating, and I am just so happy I read that book and that I connected with it and her the way I did.

Spread some love: mention someone you’ve met that has influenced you or your writing in a positive way and explain how!

There was this person I went to college with who I sat next to in our creative writing class (because screw science and stuff, I have an A-level for writing shitty poetry for two years). And this girl is just such a character, she’s the kind of person who always gets called by both her names, first and surname, and she is such a freaking nerd, and she knows everything I swear, and she is not afraid to correct you, or put herself out there. She is truly an inspiration. But anyway, I sat next to her in creative writing, and there was this period at the beginning of college where she was a bit of a social outcast, but I thought she was just pretty damn cool, and because I sat next to her, I got to read all her crazy writings. Now, this is a girl who writes everything from poetry about pigeons, to fiction, to song parodies and text adventure games. She was hilarious, and she would just ask for feedback all the time from everyone. She would hand this writing out to people, even when she didn’t have to, just to get feedback so she could make it better. She was just constantly creating, and really I think, just trying to make people laugh. But anyway, she is someone who really inspires me, and I think sitting next to her for two years while I wrote shitty poetry and she created masterpieces probably really influenced me for the better.

#crtchallenge #about amos #I know I'm not partaking in secret santa because I don't know anyone well enough yet and probably visa versa #but I thought this would be a good step towards fixing that!

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