#when my brothers act out they rush to diagnose them but when i do its funny or iI NEED TO FIX IT

[purpleartrowboat]

im not allowed to be happy for more than a few fucking days in this stupid ass house with this fucking family am i. all because my moms therapist just tells her how shes soo good and she doesnt fucking Deal with her anger issues and now she fucked up my brothers and half of my problems would be solved in my parents didnt decide they wanted 3 fucking kids in a two bedroom house im so sick of this everytime my life gets better they have to rruin it howam i supposed to deal with this what the fuck can i do

[iwadori]

Hiiii can i request prompt 53 with tsukki? My annoying cousin u may know @chibiiichan(i cant tag her its a surprise) recommend ur account and well she never been right more than now I LIKE UR ACC TOO URM JUST TAG HER IN THE POST (bcs its actually her birthday next week monday so....the least i could do this bcs she likes tsukki and shes recently talk abt the iwazumi story of yours....lmao shes cringe but in the same time got mad n i was besides her hearing her whining like bruh 'its 1 am'...i know i should buy something for her but she got spoiled enough 💅...that mf-) thank you ✨

‘ALWAYS AND FOREVER’

TSUKISHIMA X READER

2K WORDS

GENRE: ANGST,FLUFF

TW: SLIGHT AMBIGIOUS MENTION OF SUICIDE/ASSISTED DEATH, AND DEATH, CURSING (IN MY A/N)

THIS IS FOR @chibiiichann Happy birthday, I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS (BECAUSE I HATE IT :D ) SOOOOO YEAH I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY.

NOT PROOFREAD AT ALL. EXPECT SLIGHT MISTAKES

You were dying. You knew it. Your husband, Kei, knew it. Even friends you haven’t spoken too since high school knew it.

So why did you all pretend that everything was okay?

5 year old Y/N:

You were running around your neighbourhood park chasing after butterflies, without a care in the world. As you were frollicing in the grass, you manage to trip over a rock tumbling to the ground scraping your knee making it bleed. Looking down at your slightly injured knee, your lip begins to quiver which eventually leads to wails of tears streaming down your face.

“you don’t have to cry you know?” said a slightly quiet voice towering over you. Above you was a boy, quite tall with a fat pair of glasses, golden eyes and a head full of blonde locks.

“Well when I get hurt, I cry” you say matter oh factly (is that the phrase?) rubbing your nose as you sniffle. He held out a hand to you, which you immediately took shooting upwards and brushing yourself off.  

The boy, after looking at you wildly, turns around and walks back to the actual park. “Oi wait,” you call at the boy swiftly following him “aren’t you going to ask my name?”

“no.” he says simply, proceeding to walk ahead.

“well my names Y/N L/N pleasure to meet you,” you say jumping in front of him so he doesn’t move, waiting for him to tell you his name...which he doesn’t. “you don’t have to be so rude you know”  

“I’m not being rude” he says stiffly “ it’s just my brother says not to speak to strangers” a smirk appears on his face to say ‘you can leave me alone now.’  

As if on cue, his brother approaches the both of you given the boy a slap on the back making him cringe “Hey Kei, who’s the friend you’ve made here?”  

“My name is Y/N L/N and I'm here to be KEI’s best friend!” you said putting the emphasis on the word Kei after just learning that was the blondes name.  

Kei rolled his eyes and sighed saying “nii-chan can we go home now” he folded his arms in annoyance.

“No Kei, you’ve got to get to know your new found friend Y/N-Chan right?” his brother said teasingly, knowing it was the last thing Kei wanted to do.

“Yes ofcourse!” you say with a toothy grin, dragging Kei along with you to his demise.

Until the sun went down, you spent the rest of your time with Kei getting to know eachother (well him getting to know you more, since you did all the speaking.) Regardless of his previous annoyance in getting to know you in the first place, Kei would be lying if he said he didn’t want to know you now.

As the sun was setting, Kei’s older brother (who’s name you learned was Akiteru) called him to tell him he had to go home because dinner was ready. Before he left, you grabbed his hand and wrapped your pinky finger around his saying “As long as we shall live, we will always look out for eachother as we are forever bestfriends, agreed?”

back to present -  

In some odd way, this was Kei’s way of looking out for you. He knew what you had was uncurable and would weaken you even more as the days go by, so pretending like nothing was wrong seemed to be best in his eyes.  

Everything you and Kei did was a game or some nostalgic act that you once did when you were children. It was sweet to say the least, seeing Kei all engrossed and determined to make you happy.  

Your alarm rings snapping you out of you daydream, ‘it was time for medicine’ you thought with your face scowling at the thought. Immediately on time, as always, Kei comes In the room with all your medicine thats needed.

“Aren’t you my perfect little nurse Kei” you say teasingly giving him a wink, laughing as you see his face turn red.

“Do you have to do this every time y/n?” he asks rolling his eyes at your childish behaviour.

“Oh I'm just showing love to my best and favourite nurse” you continue laughing at your own words

“Im your only ‘nurse’” he deadpans giving you your medicine as you talk.

“Well that is more reason to make you the best nurse.” you say smiling.

Silence falls between you, and you stare down at your arm watching as your husband gives you the medicine making you frown. “Do we have to keep doing this?” you ask which is probably the 1000th time you’ve asked.

“Of course we do Y/N as I’ve said yesterday and the day before that and the day before that it-”

“But do we really?” you interrupt “I can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep doing this.”

“Do you doubt me Y/N, I can do this forever” he says “ I can take care of you forever”

“But I don’t wan-”

“I’m finished, I’m going to start on dinner” he gets up and leaves the room yelling “I’ll call you when it’s done.”

Sometimes you and Kei have these conversations. And all the time it ends the same way. You complain, he ignores and then you go and have dinner.

You can understand why he doesn’t want to have this conversation. Who would want to hear about their partners complaints about practically being alive. Kei was torn, ever since he met you all he wanted to was to keep you happy. But could he compromise his own happiness for it.

15 year old Y/N - flashback

“Kei Kei, aren’t you excited!” you yell smiling widley

“Excited for what?” he asks, amused by your enthusiasm “it’s just highschool.”

“Well it’s a new highschool! Karasuno high school, to be exact.”

“And that is still just a school.” he says

“Not just any! That’s the school nii-chan went too, and even tho he lie-”

“Let’s not talk about it Y/N” he murmurs “we should go now, don’t want to be late on our first date.”

Going to Karasuno was fun, at the start everyone was pleasant and nice. But after a week or two when you and Kei were still stuck to eachother like glue, people weren’t so pleasant. Kei was like a pop idol, being gorgeous and over 6ft at just the age of 15, caused alot of attention, especially when he was always around you.

At the start, the hate you got was bearable, it was the petty bitchy notes in your locker or just people blatanly talking badly about you infront of you. People didn’t do it when you weren’t around Kei, so when he had volleyball practice (which you were so excited that he joined the team) you were a big target for the bullies to come around.

Kei didn’t really know of the bullying that happened towards you, especially since he was mainly in practice or not around when it happened. But one day in practice he heard some of his teammates, kageyama and hinata who seemed to talking about a student in one of their classes that was always getting picked on by the other girls in the year.

“Yeah and I heard that Nana-san was planning on getting her and her friends to attack Y/N-san soon.”  said Hinata

“Shrimpy, who are they planning on attacking?” Kei asks to make sure he just heard the ginger correctly.

“Oh this lovely person in our class their name is Y/N-san” he says, looking at Kei’s reaction he also asks “Why? Do you know them?”  

Kei doesn’t respond, and immediately leaves the gym, ignoring Hinata’s and the other members of the teams yells of ‘Where are you going tsukishima.’ He didn’t care, he just had to get to you.  

He searched all the classes, asking every student if he knew where you were. Someone directs him to the toilets, where he burst through the door to see the other girls in your year surrounding you and beating you up.  

“What the fuck are you doing to them?” he yells startling the girls.

“T-T-Tsukishima-san" one girl says “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Oh fuck off” he says, with them still frozen in shock “I said go!”  

“And don’t think I don’t know your names either” he calls after them.

He rushes towards your bruised body on the ground and cradles you gently, confused on what to really do. “Oi Kei,” you say weakly catching his attention “I would’ve won if you didn’t come to stop the fight.” you joke making him scoff.

“Whatever you say Y/N.”

After you heal up, Kei already told on the girls that beat you up getting them suspended, and you explain how they were treating you because of their infatuation of him. And how they only did it when he wasn’t around.

Once he learns this information, he decides to quite the volleyball team, to your surprise. But you demands on making him not quit were ignored, as he excused it by saying “I have to make sure you’re always alright remember, and if that means quitting some volleyball team then so be it.”

That was one out of the many times that Kei put his happiness before yours.

Flashback over.

When you first got diagnosed, Kei was immediately researching on it as it was a very rare condition. But sadly, he only found what the doctor already told you both. It was uncurable and your immune system and your body will weaken as the days go by.

Which it did, you were a shell of your past self. It was always shocking for Kei to see, especially with you only being 25. ‘It wasn’t supposed to be this way,’ but he never let you see his sadness.

Whenever you knew Kei was sad you always reminded him “Kei, I may be dying but please don’t cry over me” every time you said, there was a slight undertone of humour in your voice which always worked in boosting Kei’s spirit.

AN: IVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I HATE THIS SOOO IM SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE SHITTING RUSHED ENDING IM GOING TO PROVIDE FOR YOU LOL.

The days passed and the years went by, and you and Kei were still alive and kicking it. Doing your daily routine of you making some joke, Kei giving you your medicine and then you eating dinner. You eventually stopped complaining, realizing and remembering your promise you gave to Kei at 5 years old in that park. “As long as we shall live, we will always look out for eachother as we are forever bestfriends, agreed?”

Of course you had your rough days, everybody did and it was even harder being sick with a terminal illness. But having Kei to guide you through the storm made It better for you.

However, Kei isnt a miracle worker. He couldn’t save you, noone could. And you both knew that. That didn’t mean it made it any easier when the medicine stopped working and your pain got too hard to bear. Kei couldn’t watch you do this anymore, “the choice is yours” he said with tears in his eyes.  

So you knew what you had to do, you got in your bed pulling Kei with you, and letting him envelope you in a big hug as you both cried.

“I love you,” you say “You know that right?”

“Of course I know that, idiot” he replies “And I love you.”

“Always and forever?”

“Always and forever.”

AN: how did I END UP CRYING WHILST WRITING THIS WHEN IT MADE NO FUCKING SENSE, I WAS TRYING TO DO THIS COOL NOTEBOOK (I HAVENT EVEN WATCHED THE NOTEBOOK) ENDING WHERE ITS AMBIGIOUS AND SHIT AND I JUST GIVE UP OKAY? I APOLOGISE LOOOOOOL. I HOPE YOU ENJOY ATLEAST A SENTENCE OF THIS AT LEAST.

[mytrashcanlife]

Ashes to Ashes Jasper X Reader Part 5

It took four days. Four day for the venom to take over. Four days of absolute anguish for the Cullen family. But when you did wake up, it was so much worse than they imagined. You didn’t panic at first. They weren’t expecting denial, or a sense of calm. You jolted awake and immediately sat up. You look around and notice that you are no longer in the kitchen where you remembered fainting. Rosalie is the first speak to you in your confusion.

“(y/n) you’re awake. Thank god, I’m so sorry this happened.”

“What? Rosalie it’s not your fault I fainted. I was probably just dehydrated. I forget to drink water sometimes. I’m sorry I scared you, but really I’m fine. How long was I out? A few minutes?”

“Four days.”

“What? No. If I was in a coma Carlisle would have taken me to the hospital.”

“Oh no.”

“Rosalie what’s wrong?”

“Carlisle!”

“Why are you calling him?” Carlisle and the rest of the family come upstairs to see you.

“She’s awake! Oh, thank god.”

“She doesn’t know.”

“What? What don’t I know?” Carlisle looks at you with guilt in his eyes.

“ (y/n) something happened.”

“Yeah I know I didn’t drink enough water I over-heated and I fainted. It happens all the time. You know this. Carlisle I’m fine just thirsty. See?”

You grab the water bottle you keep on your bedside table and try to drink it, but you move a little too fast and know over the lamp. “Sorry. I’m a little clumsy when I’ve been unconscious for a few minutes.” You take a sip of the water, but the second you try to swallow it you throw it right back up. Violently coughing on the liquid as it makes its way back up your throat. “Okay maybe I am a little sick. That’s weird.” Rosalie leans over to your desk and grabs a mirror.

“(y/n) I’m going to show you something, but I need you stay calm okay?”

“Rosie what is going on?”

She held up the mirror and you saw yourself, but it wasn’t you. Your skin was much paler than usual, and all signs of your usual acne were gone. You looked like you had died, but then you saw your eyes. Red eyes staring back at you instead of (e/c) ones, and you lost it. Your scream frightens even Emmet.

“CARLISLE!”

“Why does everyone always yell at me?”

“Carlisle my eyes are red! I look like a damn ghost, something is wrong! You’re a doctor fix me!”

“(y/n) I can’t fix this”

“WHY NOT?”

Jasper was behind the others in the doorway. He could feel the fear coming off of her in waves.

The others were obviously not prepared for this conversation. He thought about joining in, but Edward gave him a look and he decided to let the others try first. Edward decides to try calming her down.

“Okay (y/n) I need you to calm down. You want Carlisle to fix the problem right? To do that he has to diagnose it, so what are your symptoms?”

“I…I fainted in the kitchen and then apparently I slept for four days. I feel dehydrated and hungry, but I can’t even swallow water. And my eyes are red. And everything is so loud, and bright. This feels like a bad hangover, but worse.”

“Okay. Now tell me where have you heard those symptoms before? Red eyes, thirst, aversion to light…”

“Edward you aren’t making any sense. That sounds like a…” You look up at Carlisle wide eyed and trembling. You shake your head furiously “No…Don’t say it”

“Yes.”

“I’m a vampire? No! no that’s not possible. Vampires aren’t real. They’re horror stories you tell children, so they won’t sneak out after dark, they don’t exist.”

“They do. We are a family of them.”

“But nobody bit me.”

“You are correct nobody bit you, because we never had any intention of turning you, but you don’t actually need to be bitten you just have to get venom in your bloodstream, and it will take over from there.”

“So, if none of you bit me then how did I end up with venom in my blood?”

“You remember that necklace Jane gave you?”

“Yeah, I broke it. It was so fragile I didn’t realize, I cut my hand on it trying to pick it back up and that’s when…I fainted. NO. You can’t be telling me I turned because I cut my hand on glass that had Venom on it. You can’t!”

“I do believe that’s what happened yes.” You sat there in bed for a few moments in silence.

“I don’t believe you. I’m going for a walk.” You stand up to cross the room but you’re down the stairs before you can blink, with the rest of the family right behind you. “What was that?”

“That was a small demonstration of the speed you now possess.”

Jasper could feel the fear rise up again as the realization of what had happened finally hit you.

“So, you’re all vampires? That’s what you’ve been hiding from me? That’s what all this was about you didn’t want me to know?” Edward answers you

“Yes (y/n), you have to understand, we never wanted you to turn, and we aren’t allowed to tell humans about us unless we intend to turn them.”

“So, what you just thought I was never going to figure it out? You thought I’d grow old get a husband and some kids and never noticed my family wasn’t ageing?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what was the plan? If you weren’t going to turn me exactly how did you think I was never going to catch on?”

“You were going to college”

“So what? You think I wouldn’t visit?” You look around at Your family as they look down with guilty expressions on their faces. Your eyes widen once more in realization “I was never going to get to visit was I? You were planning to never see me again after I left. You were planning to abandon me?” Jasper was concerned now. In the past few months he’d seen you feel a lot of emotions, fear, joy, sadness, but not this. This was pure Rage.

Carlisle tries to defend himself.

“It’s not like that”

“Yes it is Carlisle. You were going to abandon me like everyone else does. Fine then, I’ll just go.”

Alice finally returning from her trip had picked a very bad moment to walk through the door.

“Guys I’m ba-oh my god, (y/n) what happened?”

“Don’t worry about it. I was just leaving.”

You ran. You ran into the woods, and climbed cliff sides as fast as you could. You knew they’d send somebody after you but at that moment you didn’t care. If they were just going to leave you then you might as well save them the trouble. Alice turned to Jasper in shock.

“I didn’t do it.”

Rosalie jumped to his defense for once.

“He didn’t. The Volturi did. Sneaky little bastards.”

“What happened? I was gone for a week and I come back to this? This was not the vision!”

“Yes, it was Alice. You just didn’t realize it.”

“Well someone has to go get her before she hurts someone!”

Carlisle spoke up “I’ll go get her. This is my fault anyway.”

Jasper had enough, “No I think you’ve done enough.”

While they were arguing they failed to realize that Emmet was already gone. He was barely behind you for miles.

“(y/n) please just stop for a minute and talk to me. It’s me. Emmet, Your big brother.” You stopped and turned around

“You lied to me. You were going to leave me.”

“No (y/n) we hadn’t thought this through. You remember how you came to us in the first place right? We got into this situation and put our own lives on the line to help you because we couldn’t just leave you. I know you’re starving, and you’re scared but please just come home.”

You were about to listen to him when a man walked by. It happened so fast you barely had time to register what you were doing before you draining the poor man. The hunger was too much, but once it subsided you were left cowering on the ground with the corpse of an innocent and your hands covered in blood. Emmet tried to pull you off of him, but you sent him flying backwards into a nearby tree. Carlisle Caught up to you and looked down at you in disappointment, and pity.

“(y/n) it’s okay.”

“NO THIS IS NOT OKAY!”

“Do you understand now? Do you understand what you are?”

“I’M A MONSTER”

“No. You are not a monster. You are new to this. It’s going to be okay. Please just come home we can help you.”

Emmet joins Carlisle and reaches his hand out to you. You reach to take it but hesitate and pull back. You look down and shake your head.

“I can’t-“

“You can. I did. We all did. Even jasper did. You wanna know why he acted like he did? It’s because he is new to our lifestyle. We don’t feed on humans we survive on animal blood alone. Jasper is new to that. You were a constant test for him. That is why he was so cold around you. He did it. So, can you.”

You look up at the mention of his name. You pause a moment to think.

“Okay.” You grab Emmet’s hand and the three of you rush back to the house.

The second you enter the house the whole family is staring at you. Rosalie and Alice help you clean up and get some new clothes on. Burning the bloodied ones in the process. You wait until midnight to go to Jasper’s room. You knock on the door

“Come in” shut the door behind you and lean against it.

“I need to talk to you. Somewhere the others can’t hear.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

The two of you leave through the window in his bedroom and run off into the forest. You follow him until he climbs up to the top of a tree in the center of the forest. He sits at the top leaning on one branch and you sit on another branch across from him.

“What do you need to talk about?”

“Carlisle said something when I ran off…He said that you were also new to their lifestyle and that the only reason you were cold to me was because you had to try really hard to not kill me.”

“That was part of it”

“If you were afraid to hurt me, why did you pick me up from that gas station?”

“Because you were scared, and I knew I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“How did you know that though?”

“Because I never wanted you to be one of us. You were bright, and happy. You embodied the opposite to everything we are.”

“But you didn’t have to turn me. You could have just killed me.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think I could if I wanted to.”

“But Carlisle said-“

“Carlisle is wrong. Why did you ask me all the way out here for this?”

“I didn’t. There’s something else I need to ask you.”

“Ask.”

“You never lied to me right?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. Don’t start now. How hard is it?” Jasper looks at you with a sadness in his eyes, while he thinks for a second about how to answer that. Finally, he leans forward and looks you In the eyes.

“It hurts like hell. It’s agonizing. You want human blood so much you’ll go through a hundred lions and it won’t be enough to satiate you. You’ll want to give up and run away, but don’t. Because once the withdrawals subside it gets easier. It gets better.”

“one more question.”

“shoot”

“Will I be okay?”

“Yes.” You lean over to his side of the treetop and he envelops you in his arms. You both stay there for a bit. Sometimes people just need a hug, at midnight.

“Okay. Let’s go home. And don’t tell anyone about this.”

“My lips are sealed.” You looked jasper in the eyes, those golden eyes, and smile. The two of you sneak back in through the same window and Jasper distracts the others while you sneak up to your room. You lay down, knowing you won’t be sleeping again, but as you look up at your ceiling you feel like everything is going to be alright.

[prncessjosie]

&&. announcing her royal highness, ( joséphine dominique anne de saxe-cobourg et gotha ), the ( 20 ) year old ( princess ) of ( belgium). she is often confused with ( dove cameron ). some say that she is ( aloof & naive), but she is actually ( friendly & optimistic ). ( OOC: EMILY / 25 / GMT +10 / SHE/HER )

( hi, i’m emily, come n love my babe )

( also quick warning: there is discussion of childhood illness (that is poorly researched as hell, i apologise for that) & stuff in here so if that’s triggering for you please just skip to the tl;dr at the end for the basic idea, or just message me! )

the backstory

princess joséphine was born under an unlucky star. she was born over two months early, when her mother - the crown princess anne of belgium - was only thirty weeks pregnant. 

a difficult pregnancy led to an early c-section in the hope of keeping both mother and child alive 

and in many ways it was successful. both survived the traumatic experience, but the newborn princess was too young, and her lungs were under developed.

she was diagnosed with chronic lung disease, and spent the first few months of her life in the hospital, where doctors and nurses and her parents worried whether she would be strong enough to survive. 

but her parents were royalty - her father then the crown prince albert of belgium - and no expense was spared on the tiny baby christened joséphine’s health. 

it took over a year before she could breathe without help, and most of her early childhood was marred by her inability to live a normal, healthy life. 

running around like other children simply wasn’t an option ; too much exertion would have her gasping for breath, and her family became protective of their precious little princess. 

any minor cold or flu would put her in a hospital bed, sometimes needing a machine to help her breathe.

 she was watched constantly, wrapped up in cotton wool by all those around her who wanted only to see her safe.

slowly but surely, though, the princess began to get better. her lungs became stronger, and with each passing year she found herself able to do more and more. 

what once would’ve caused her to need an oxygen mask now only gave her the slightest shortness of breath. 

by her early teens, her health was almost the same as any other her age. but the struggles of her early life were hard to forget. 

her family were protective, reluctant to let her take risks, and joséphine started to believe they were right.

staying safe was better than the alternative ; she’d seen enough of hospital rooms to last several lifetimes. 

she kept herself away from the public eye as much as possible, not wanting anyone to see her weakness.

the present

josie has grown into an idealistic young woman

her health is fairly stable now! she really only has problems if she gets some kind of respitory illness - which is why she’s very careful about washing hands lmao

she’s a bit of a dreamer who likes to see the best in everyone ; she wants the world to be a better, more peaceful place and hates that they’re at war

the recent loss of her mother & her father’s coma have hit her hard. josie’s family have always been the people she spent the most time around, and it’s difficult to think her mother is gone and her father might never wake up

she’s proud of her sister, though, for stepping up in such a difficult time. josie’s certain that in her place, she’d never be able to rule anything. thank god she’s the youngest child, and will probably never have to take on any kind of power

she can be very naive ; an incredibly sheltered life has led her to not always knowing things. it can make her seem kind of dumb, sometimes - but don’t be fooled. one of the few activities josie was allowed to do even when she was sick was read, and over the years she’s learned a lot. she’s very book-smart, just not great with real life stuff sometimes

she’s also got a bit of a hidden adventurous streak that she’s tried to suppress but is starting to make itself known. there’s a lot she’s never really experienced, and josie is beginning to see how much she’s missed out on by being kept safe. it’s making her want to explore all kinds of new things, just because she can - but she’s nervous of the potential consequences of going too far

some TROPES for josie: 

ILL GIRL ;  The ill girl is almost inevitably a sympathetically cute girl.note The disease can be anything from anemia to organ failure. Smart writers avoid such specifics, making it a Soap Opera Disease. It will never disfigure or impair her cuteness, but usually prompts an older brother or sister figure into shady business to help pay the medical bills. Or prompts them to rush into some dangerous/brave deed while she cheers them on. ]

HAIR OF GOLD, HEART OF GOLD  ;  The character is a blonde. Therefore, obviously, she is young, beautiful, pure, kind, and innocent, and the innocence can range up to Virgin Power. If she fights, it's reluctantly and she tends to avoid violence where she can.

CAGED BIRD METAPHOR  ;  Many, many years ago, some artistic young woman destined for marriage looked at a pet bird in a cage and thought, "Look at this beautiful creature of the sky, confined to a cell that we may be entertained by its song... I know how that feels!" And thus this trope was born.

WIDE EYED IDEALIST  ;  A character far too idealistic for their own good.It may be the Naïve Newcomer who Jumped at the Call — he or she has a huge stack of comic books/movies/bards' tales, and thinks they're pretty Genre Savvy. Unfortunately, their universe is more toward the cynical end of the Sliding Scale of Idealism vs. Cynicism than the stories they know. Alternatively, they might just be generally nice people whose idealistic attempts at solving the problems of their world turn out to go horribly horribly awry as no one else plays by their rules. Usually used as nothing more than a device to highlight the realism/grittiness/cynicism of the setting.

BABY OF THE BUNCH  ;  Being the youngest of your group typically comes with some perks and challenges. On one side you're probably the cutest, have a pass to act immature, people like taking care of you, and you can embrace your fun side, knowing that the elders are there to handle the serious stuff. And if there's anything you're naïve about, you have plenty of others to give you the realest unfiltered advice without the generational gap and detachment that your parents or the Old Master have. On the other end, sometimes people don't take you seriously. There you're kinda stuck because no matter how old you get, you'll always be "the baby" in their eyes.

AND josie’s pinterest board is right here for all your aesthetic needs:  https://www.pinterest.com.au/queenemilys/soon-youll-get-better-josephine/

TL;DR - princess josephine, sickly child turned sheltered young woman with curiosity about the real world. also dead parents so she’s probs sad, just for the record! 

if you made it this far congrats ur a hero. i’m open for any and all plots, so please like this post if you want me to slide into ur dms to do that! or just message me any time. 

[daddychims]

Offside pt 4

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Series Masterlist!

Genre: Smut, Soccer AU, College AU

Pairings: Soccer Player! Jungkook X Sports Trainer! Reader

Word Count: 2k

Other BTS members all make a cameo as well because I’m an OT7 Trash!

You work as a sports trainer, providing basic first aid and injury management for the Hanguk University’s soccer team. Going with your mundane life of caring for the dozen of guys hurting themselves in the soccer game takes a turn when one of the guys catches your eyes. It’s not his breathtakingly good looks or his muscular athletic body usually seducing girls at the campus that catches your eyes. But the action plan in your kit, indicating he is diagnosed with Asthma is what draws your eyes time and time again to the Golden Boy of Hanguk University.

Warning: Slow burn, eventual smut, Taehyung being a freaking tease the whole time, Fuckboy!Jungkook, Asthmatic! Jungkook , mentions of episodes of Asthma, Take your Ventolin kids, Take your medications kids!

"You should have told me earlier," Jiwoo whined, fixing her lipstick in the mirror of your car, "I would have worn a full face before work today."

"Its not my fault I'm not one of the cool kids. I didn't even know about this until Hoseok told me," You reply navigating your way to Jungkook's house "They wanna drink their face into another dimension before the games and they invited me last minute. You know I dont go to these places on my own so do me a favour yeah?"

"Fine," Jiwoo rolls her eyes at you, pupils dilating as you pull the car over and she eyes the Jeon's villa "they must loaded."

"Who?" you ask absentmindedly, quickly replying Hoseok's text that you are outside the house with his sister

"Jeon's family," Jiwoo replies looking back at you with excited tone "I mean none of us can afford this big of a house in the centre of town like him. I heard his dad is a politician."

"Didn't he get a soccer field for his college admission gift?" You shrug, eyes focused on the phone screen "He looks like a spoiled brat too."

"Jeon?" Jiwoo purses her lips, looking in her memories as she smiles "I think he's cute, he's always really shy around me so I can't tell if he's one of them."

"That's because he's scared Hoseok might whoop his ass," You scoff at your friend's dreamy opinion on the golden boy, "He's swiping right on half of the girl's in the Sports and Exercise Science faculty on his night shifts."

"I know, I swear to God Hoseok was born to cockblock me," She sighs "Well Jeon's's rumoured to be the Golden Dick of Hanguk's soccer team so-" Jiwoo shrugs 

"What?" you choke on your saliva, laughing in disbelief "Is that a joke?"

"I wish it was," she sighs scrolling through her Instagram photos while you touch up your makeup in your front mirror "I've heard so many things about his golden dick, I sometimes wanna see it myself," She then shivers at the thought "God, probably not with Hoseok around though ..." 

"You know what I call that?" You hesitate as you spray some setting spray in your face and push the bottle back in your bag "False advertising," you then quickly glance at the text Hoseok sent to confirm they're ready "let's go." 

You walk inside the quiet house, the lights all turned off and the place in dead silence. Jiwoo who is walking ahead of you excited, glances back at you, furrowing her eyebrows. she gives you a questioning look  and before you can address her confused eyes the lights turn back on 

"Surprise!" Hoseok yells from across the room and everyone throws confetti at the girl who's standing in the middle looking around her with a dumbfounded expression all over his face

"W-Whats going on?" she asks in amongst the rushes of congrats thrown his way and the crowd 

"Congratulation on your first job Nuna," Hoseok embraces his sister tightly, placing a gentle kiss on the crown of her head "sorry I've delayed it so much."

"Oh My God," Jiwoo exclaims looking between you and her brother "You actually got me."

"Did you see my professional acting Hobi?" You chuckle, high fiving with Hoseok "she didn't even suspect a thing."

"Come on Nuna," Taehyung steps in hugging the girl in his ridiculously large body, almost crushing Jiwoo's bone as he squeezes her "Y/N never comes to our "get shit faced" parties, how did even believe her?"

"I was a bit intrigued, to be honest," Jiwoo replied, forcefully pulling herself out of Taehyung's grip before she gets crushed, "I thought she finally caved in for one of the Hanguk's boys."

"Well if anything, It must be me Right?" Taehyung declares winking towards you flirtatiously 

"Oh shut up," You roll your eyes making everyone else laugh "I'm gonna go grab a drink, I'm too sober to deal with you Tae!" 

You find your way to the table adorned by all different types of alcoholic drinks. You grab a plastic cup and fill it with some expensive whisky you're surprised to see sitting beside all the others.

he's really rubbing it in everyone's face, you scoff holding the bottle of whisky in your hand and checking the alcohol percentage. 

Broke college students like yourself would never even have such fancy liquor on their birthday and here he was, the golden boy of Hanguk University, offering expensive beverage like this for a house party.

"Expensive taste huh?"

You hear a familiar voice and immediately turn around facing the guy who you didn't expect to see there. Your eyebrows furrow close together as you carefully examine the guy.

”Jeez, relax those eyes princess,” he shudders at your unimpressed gaze as he leans closer to you, looking over your body for some booze “I can't decide which one is heavier, you or that glare you're giving me now.” 

“I’m sorry,” you quickly mutter, breath hitting the corner of his neck “About last time I fell on you.” 

“No worries,” he tilts his head as he leans away to bring his gaze from the collections of alcohol to you “If that takes you to fall on me again, I’d take it any day.”

You face immediately scrunches in disgust, your brain’s fuckboy alert turning on as you sigh and brush past him to move. 

“hey hey,” he grabs your wrist, without eyeing you to get a sight of you leaving “This is the time when you ask me how you can pay me back for being your human shield!”

”Look Jimin,” you turn around facing him sternly and watch an amused grin adorning his plump lips “It's not gonna happen!”

”What's not gonna happen!?” He repeats your words with a teasing tone as he locks you between his body and the table behind you

“W-Whatever you’re thinking of,” you reply, the proximity of his face making you slightly clumsy with your words which you try to hide with your signature poker face 

“I wonder,” he murmurs, head tilting to one side as he glances over you through hooded eyes “What you think I'm gonna do with you” He bites his lips seductively, unfazed by your earlier vocal and clear  rejection 

You part your lips to respond despite being slightly flustered by his boldness. But the sight that catches your eyes across his shoulder appears more interesting than blowing off the guy’s super ego at that moment.

”Jungkook ...” you call, eyes dilating in shock as you watch a girl who’s sitting on his lips slip open a lighter, as he skillfully places the expensive Cuban cigar between his lips. 

His smirk lightens as the girl plays with the flame in her hand teasingly, leaning closer to steal a kiss from his tightly pressed lips before bringing the flame closer to him. 

“No,” you gasp out loud pushing pass the guy who’s locking you against the table, and before you know you’re standing across the couple who look at you with a mixture of annoyed and surprised eyes 

“What the fuck are you doing!?” You hiss, venom dripping off your tone

Jungkook raises an eyebrow while his girl narrows her eyes at your uninvited appearance. You continued to glare at the guy until he shifts forward and whispers something in the girl’s ear. 

The girl nods and throws an unimpressed look to your direction before proceeding to smack a kiss on his lips before walking away.

Jungkook sighs, frustration evident from his complexion, although no words leave his lips. He throws the expensive cigar on his special wooden box before standing up. 

“let's go,” he breathes out, grabbing your wrist and yanking you behind him down the hallway. 

It doesn't take long with his rushed footsteps and you're in the room you previously caught him gasping for his life a few nights ago, door shut closed behind you and back pressed against the door. 

“I’m not in the mood,” he whispers as his hand presses harshly against your collarbone to hold you against the door “I’ll make you cum with my fingers and we’ll call it a night,” he hesitates, leaning closer to press his nose against your neck “If you’re a good girl like you were the past few days I’ll let you ride me next time.” 

You’re still trying to register his words when he presses rough kisses on the sensitive flesh of your neck, hands tracing down to your tummy and down under your dress. 

He easily locates your clit over your panties, rubbing the sensitive nub skillfully and your mind goes hazy, head firmly pressing back on the wall.

”Aah- J-Jungkook,” you breath out a moan, hands gripping on his toned biceps to catch his attention 

”Yeah baby,” he nods with a smirk against your neck, feeling validated by the wanton sounds he got off you “call my name like that,” you wince as he bites a small spot on your neck before fondling it with his tongue“You’ve wanted this, didn't you!? I barely touched you and you're fucking soaked.”

his fingers rubbing your sensitive core is clouding your mind, but your body tenses when he tugs your panties to one side, fingers tracing their way on your entrance and only then you realise the situation you got yourself in. 

”J-Jungkook,” you bring your head down, grabbing his head firmly as you mutter “Please!”

”Yeah, beg for it baby,” you watch him dig his lips to the corner of your neck, not noticing your resisting body language “You wanted me to touch you so bad huh!? You should have just begged for it like now-“

”No Jungkook,” you gather all your strength and push against his body, the startled boy stumbling back on his feet  “Stop!” You exhale the air looking at him with wide eyes 

“What!?” He furrows his eyebrows, looking lost like a puppy who was beaten 

“What are you doing!?” You shriek, hand reaching to tug your dress down on your thighs which was rolled up by him 

“I-“ he stumbles on his word, wide doe eyes wandering around “I was just-“ he then frowns in a mixture of rage and fear as he shots back “you wanted this! Dont you dare-“

”No, I didn't!” You sigh, fingers combing through your hair “You seriously need to stop this.”

”Oh really now!?” He scoffs, clenching his fist as he takes a step closer “You’re turning this back on me huh!?”

”Jungkook you've misunderstood-” You mutter through gritted teeth 

“You wanted me to fuck you,” he explains defensively “You go around asking me about my medications, talking shit about me to Dr Kim to get my attention,” he huffs the air out of his lungs forcefully as he motions to the door “And you yanked that girl off me just so I fuck you, and I'm doing it now. you're getting what you want, What else do you want!?” 

Your head starts to spin, digesting his words and you have to close your eyes for a moment so you dont stumble and fall by the overwhelming realization that shots through you. 

“Gosh,” you inhale sharply looking back at him with defeated eyes “It's my bad caring for a jerk like you.”

”W-What!?” 

“I was just worried you’d chuck that cigar up your lungs and mess them up even more than you already are,” you pronounce every rageful word with the heat you feel inside your body 

“The fuck are you talking about!?” He asks, voice tinted by confusion 

”Jungkook you have Asthma,” you explain with questioning eyes “Your lungs are already struggling to stay open for some air and you think smoking is a good ide-,”

you cut your sentence short, watching him with disappointed eyes “You know what,” you shake your head as you quickly fix your dress, “I dont even know why I care whether you breath or not!” You say harshly as you turn on your heels 

“Wait-“ he calls after you as you twist the doorknob but before he can reach for you, you’ve left his room and his house for the night. 

[bumi-illustrates]

Reverie: Prologue

This story;plot, characters, ect. belongs to me. I have cross posted on Wattpad with the account Ali_on_Reverie so no trouble there. Have suggestions on how I can make it better? Please let me know! I will happily take all the feedback I can get! Thank you for reading! ~Ali I still remember the day the city was lost to beasts. It was a sunny morning. Not a single cloud disrupted the newly turned cerulean sky. Shades of blues and violets stretched down the ashen street as far as the eye could see. Tents selling trinkets, food and even some trying to coerce young children into their midst for games and prizes. All true signs the festival had finally begun.

The small hand I held squeezed mine, effectively capturing my attention.

“Michael! You weren’t listening to me. Again!”

I couldn’t help the sheepish smile that spread across my lips as I looked at her pastel face which was currently scrunched into a disapproving pout, “Sorry, Lacey. I got caught up in my thoughts again.”

If possible, her lips pulled tighter as she pulled her hand from mine to place both on her hips. She furrowed her snowy eyebrows as her nearly cerise eyes scowled up at me, “The doctors cleared me to come today. Don’t ruin this for me with all your silly worrying.”

“I’m your big brother. Worrying is what I’m supposed to do.” I countered, placing a hand on her shoulder with a light squeeze. I told myself it was to reassure her, but her and I both knew it was I who needed the assurance.

She crossed her arms over her chest as she flattened her expression, but kept her eyes on my own, “No, you’re supposed to be enjoying the festival with me.”

I sighed, squeezing her shoulder a bit tighter, “I-I know. I’m sorry.”

She smiled and unfolded her arms to wrap them around my waist. She looked up at me as she placed her chin flat against my chest. She visibly brightened as she shut her eyes as a large, toothy smile consumed her face, “Loosen up, okay? I’m not dead yet.”

I couldn’t help the sudden rush of paralysis that seemed to forcibly grip my body. Yet. She was right. Her health was on and off. The doctors were unable to diagnose her properly. Research was slow and it was more than likely her body would give out before a cure was found. Afterall, there’s no curing an illness that doesn’t exist. I vaguely registered Lacey’s grip falter on my waist and her eyes began to droop, “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

I barely made sense of her words as my own arms sluggishly moved to encircle her delicate frame. I couldn’t find the strength to look into her eyes, so I decided to keep my gaze set staring straight ahead. My eyes burned painfully as hot tears threatened to spill. My arms were growing steadily tighter around her and I could feel her worried gaze burning a hole underneath my jaw. The fabric of my shirt bunched tightly at my back and I slowly moved my eyes downward to meet my baby sister’s reassuring smile, “Let’s go visit dad. Please?”

I blinked, pushing away the heated saline my eyes were desperately trying to release as I gave a forced smile and tight nod. She returned to our previous position of tightly gripping my hand as we began to walk through the throng of the public. Some rushing to the next vendor to get to as many as they possibly could while others meandered, quietly observing the merriments. I could hear Lacey excitedly talking about the kiosks we passed, particularly the ones selling any kind of jewelry or crystals. She had always loved anything that sparkled. Mother called her ‘Little Crow’. No other nickname had ever fit so perfectly. When she was younger, Lacey would pick up anything and everything that even remotely shone in the light. She would then store it in a box and when it was finally full, she would use what was inside to decorate it.

The Festival of Worship was an excellent place to find jewels and anything that glitters. After all, it was rumored that the Goddess of Dreams adored twinkling trinkets. It was written at the temple that all the offerings given to Her were taken back to Her realm as a trophy and in turn, She would make the offeror’s wildest dream come true. The town’s people obviously didn’t have high expectations, or the municipality wouldn’t be crumbling to ruins beneath a giant gold temple.

“Michael, look! There’s dad!”

I almost lost my footing as Lacey sharply tugged on my arm, making a run towards our father’s booth. As our father’s ocean blue eyes caught sight of us, he began to wave with a large smile on his face.

“Lacey, my girl! The doctors finally let you out of the sick bay!”

“Too bad they let Michael pick me up! I don’t think he heard a single thing I said the whole way here!” She poked light heartedly.

Father’s slightly rounded gut shook as he gave a deep belly laugh, slapping a large hand on my back, consequently sending me stumbling forward a step, “Always the worrier, this one! Just like your mother!”

I grumbled as I gently pushed his hand away from me with my wrist, “I don’t understand how you aren’t worried. You do realize mom died because of the same thing, don’t you?”

He roughly moved his hand from my back to gripping the back of my neck and I found myself unable to stop from cringing slightly. As he began guiding us further into the booth and away from Lacey, he spoke lowly, “Listen, Mike. How is Lacey going to hold out hope for life if the people around her don’t? Do not misunderstand my feelings, boy. I loved your mother with everything I have, and I love you both just so.” I skeptically looked into his eyes, taking a slight notice of the wrinkles beginning to form at the corners. I couldn’t help but wonder where he was going with this, “Your sister will die. That much is certain.” I opened my mouth to scold him, but he held up his hand, silencing me, “You must come to terms with that. Now, if you take anything away from what I tell you here, let it be this, make her final days like her trinkets. Let the girl sparkle with all her might before she parts from this world. Our job is not to like what’s happening, or even to accept that it is happening. Our job is to make sure she knows she’s loved. If you want to be upset about the circumstances this family is in, do it away from her and when she’s in your presence, you pull your act together. You’re the older child, start acting like it, yeah?”

He placed a firm hand on my shoulder as I stubbornly decided to find the ground much more fascinating than him, “Stay back here until you’ve recollected yourself, I’ll tell Lacey I asked you to unpack some of the boxes. Join us up front when you’re sure you can keep a façade up. Ideally, you can find some happiness just being with her, but I understand it’s hard, so a façade will work fine, just make sure it’s believable, huh?”

He gave my shoulder a final pat before he began to walk back to the front of the booth where Lacey was currently fawning over one of his newest dream catchers. I caught the sound of their voices as they spoke. The noise of the streets in front began to fade as my hands clenched tightly into fists. I felt my jaw tighten as it locked firmly, pressing my teeth together uncomfortably. My eyes fixated angrily on the back of his head through the boxes that separated the front of the booth from the back. His once blonde hair was beginning to turn a pale shade of gray. His broad shoulders shook as his head leaned back slightly in laughter. I could barely make out Lacey’s snowy hair as she moved wildly in front of him, probably trying to get patrons passing by to stop and buy one of father’s dream catchers. Our booth started because mother loved to design and weave dream catchers. Every year at the festival, tourists and natives alike came to marvel at her creations. She had a knack for it and became something of a celebrity during the festival. When Lacey was no more than two years old, she would sit at the front of the booth with Lacey in her lap as she worked her materials to her liking. Father and I would be selling the dream catchers, sometimes the knickknacks would sell out faster than she could make them, and we would have to close the booth before the sun had even reached its peak.

Then the first person was diagnosed with a new illness. An illness that came in waves. One day the infected would be fine, the next they would be bedridden and on the brink of death. The symptoms were never the same, but there is one continuity, death. No matter the symptoms, each person infected will eventually die. Because the disease has no common symptoms, doctors and scientists have yet to be able to find a cause or a cure. Or a name.

I gave a forced sigh and loosened my hands. Closing my eyes, I took another deep breath in an effort to calm my rather active thoughts on the matter. There was no way I would lie about how I felt. Mother didn’t raise us to put up facades and hide behind false smiles. And I could never forgive myself if I dishonored her memory like that. Might as well make an honest man of dad. I thought bitterly to myself as I leaned over to pick up one of the partially unpacked boxes. I began pinning the dream catchers to a designated cork board to display them when what sounded like bursts of short hissing reached my ears.

“Pst. Pssssst!”

I lifted my head from my task and took note of the deep violet curtain that separated our booth from the ones next to us. Seeing nothing, I got back to work.

“Pssst! PSSSSSST!”

My eyebrows furrowed and my eye twitched in irritation.

“Michael! Pssst! Michael! Michael!”

Snapping my head sharply to look at the identical violet curtain behind me, I found an unmistakable face staring at me with a mischievous grin. Eyes like amber with threads of midnight hair framing a slightly tanned face poked out from underneath the makeshift wall. Her chin was supported by both hands with her elbows planted on the hard sidewalk beneath her. No doubt behind the curtain she was on her stomach with her ankles crossed and feet in the air. I couldn’t help the rather obnoxious snort that pushed itself through my nose.

“You are such a child. Get off the ground.” I scold, turning back to my pinning as I heard the curtain shuffle slightly.

“Come on, Mr. James! We’ve had this talk! You pooped on your party, but no way, no how I’m going to let you poop on mine!”

“So, what is it you wanted?” I asked, turning to look at her.

“Man, what is up with you? You’ve got a bigger thorn bush shoved up your backside than usual!” she complained, puffing out her cheeks slightly in disapproval.

“I’m just not in the mood right now, okay? We’ve got a lot going on.” I muttered, looking down at the work in front of me.

Jenna’s mom was best friends with my mother, so it stood to reason that Jenna and I grew up together. Normally I told her everything, but Lacey became sick almost a month ago. No one except the doctors, father and myself know. Father has always been a private kind of guy, especially after we lost mother. He wanted us to keep this to ourselves, the same way we hid mother’s for months before it was obvious, she was at her limit. I realized that during my little pity party, it had gone deathly silent save for the bustling of the festival. I quickly snapped my eyes up to find Jenna sitting on some boxes next to me. A flash of dread flooded my veins at the look in her eyes. It was so intense it sent a shiver through my heart, yet, I couldn’t decipher what emotion was dancing through her swirling pools of honey.

“I saw you pick Lacey up from the hospital.”

I felt a thousand needles suddenly pierce my already tingling body. My head began to spin and freeze up all at once. I could here my blood being pumped through my body, keeping me alive. Only, I didn’t feel alive. I felt cold and lifeless.

Before I could register what was going on, my chest felt heavy and soft, silky tresses were pressed against the side of my stiff neck. I could feel my shirt being gripped at my shoulder blades. My chest grew tighter and my eyes could no longer keep the burning, briny tears at bay. Though no sound escaped my mouth, I knew Jenna was aware of my tears because her grip on me tightened, as if she was trying to physically hold me together.

“It’s okay to cry, Michael.” Her voice was breathy, hardly a whisper, yet strained, as if she too, was trying not to cry.

I could feel more hot tears pool in my eyes as I bit my lip, trying desperately not to make a sound. My attempts failed as I let out a choked sob, quickly wrapping my arms securely around Jenna. My head fell to the crook of her neck and I could feel my emotions wracking my body, producing tremors. Jenna tightened her grip once more, placing her chin against my shoulder, her own tears dripping onto my shirt and soaking the skin underneath. But even though we found ourselves both in vulnerable positions, I found some form of comfort knowing I didn’t have to suffer without a friend. The rearing feeling of guilt in the thought of finding even a sliver of relief became a piercing stab planting itself deeply in my gut. Even with the pain of it, I couldn’t quench the small relief I was feeling.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I felt her nimble fingers at the nape of my neck, gently using her nails to absent mindedly brush the hair there, “Don’t apologize. And I know it’s not what you want to hear, but your dad is right. I know this is hard, especially after losing your mom only two years ago. But besides that, Lacey needs you. For the time being, there is no cure. So, try to just think about the now. Love her and be with her before you have the chance to regret it.”

I pulled back from her, staring at her soft features, “How did you-?”

“I was on the floor longer than you think. I just didn’t want to make things awkward.” Her eyes were red from crying, but her lopsided grin was still bright and full of life.

I couldn’t help the small laugh that slipped past my barely upturned lips. Using the heel of my palms I wiped away the evidence of my tears. Jenna was still smiling at me when I looked fully at her for what seemed like the first time since she made herself known. I took a deep breath before releasing it, calming my body and easing my thoughts.

“I hate to admit it, but the old man and you are right. I need to focus my time and energy on being happy with Lacey.” I casually turned to stand next to Jenna rather than in front of her. With a quick swing of my arm, I wrapped her shoulders in a half hug and locked her to my side, “What say you, we take Lacey around the festival? We can buy her something sparkly, eat good food, play some games? Who knows? Maybe pulls some pranks on unsuspecting pedestrians?”

Jenna laughed and wrapped her own arm behind me to grip my shoulder, “Now that sounds like a good party! Let’s get to it!”

Letting go of each other, we made our way to the front of the tent where we found Lacey finishing up a sale and father standing behind her, beaming with pride. He must have heard us approaching because he turned his head slightly and smiled wider, “Michael! Finally finished that box, huh? And how are you today, Jenna?”

“Doing great, Mr. James! You’ve certainly out done yourself with all these beautiful dream catchers!” She gave him a quick hug before looking pointedly at all the dream catchers hanging from the makeshift rafters, he had rigged them up with some old wire fencing.

“Thank you kindly, kiddo! Remember, you’re always more than welcome to help yourself to your favorite!”

“Maybe later, dad. We were hoping we could take Lacey around to look at some of the vendors before tonight. You know, before the crowds really set in.”

His eyes widened a bit before a soft smile fell upon his face, “I think that’s a great idea.”

I returned his smile and gave a quick nod before approaching Lacey.

“Thank you, ma’am! Please enjoy the festival!”

A small click could be heard as Lacey shut the small money box located under a small table covered with a lavender tablecloth. I stepped forward into her peripheral vision and she turned quickly to look at me with that smile that looked so much like our mother’s.

“Michael! Did you see? I made my first sale!”

“I saw, and by the looks of the wad of cash you stuffed into the box, it was a good one.”

“She bought three of dad’s catchers! Three!”

I beamed at her, but the tightness in my chest was beginning to ebb its way back into me. How many more sales will she get to make? I shut my eyes and took a quick breath to shake the negative feelings away. This isn’t about that. Not now.

“How about Jenna and I take you to look around? You know, to celebrate.”

The expression that seemed to take over her entire body made a warm, gentle feeling spread over me, like a cozy blanket on a cold night. Or the first sip of hot chocolate while watching the snowfall. However, it was gone as quickly as it came. The realization that once Lacey is gone, I’ll never get to witness that adorable face she makes when she’s excited ever again. It will be gone, along with everything else I love about her.

“Michael! Are you ready or what?” Jenna’s voice called me back to reality and I realized they were already standing outside of the tent, staring quizzically at me.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” I tried to keep my voice from shaking, the looks on their faces letting me know that even if the tremor in my voice was there, it went unnoticed by the two girls.

As I moved to leave, father’s voice called me, “Son!” Before I could turn to look at him, I felt strong arms around my shoulders, “Thank you. And be careful out there.”

The look in his eyes caught my attention as we pulled away and forced an uncomfortable wave of confusion into my heart. Be careful? It’s the Festival of Worship. Why does he look sad? Shouldn’t he be happy? Why does this feel like he knows something? No. I took notice of a flash of knowing scatter through his vibrant blue eyes. I found myself skeptically narrowing my own at him. No. He does know something.

“Right. We’ll be back before sunset.” I spoke slowly, trying to gage his reaction.

He just smiled and it was as if the tension had suddenly burst into thin air. As if the moment had never happened, “No need to rush! You know the festival is always so beautiful at night! I’ll be fine running the booth on my own! Go on! Enjoy yourselves!”

My brows furrowed in confusion, but I didn’t want to worry Jenna and Lacey with, well, whatever that was.

“R-Right. Thanks, dad. We’ll be careful.”

I began walking swiftly towards the waiting girls, when his voice reached my ears once more. It sounded like a warning. My step faltered and I turned to ask what he had said, but his back was to me as he headed towards the back. A suffocating sensation gripped my throat. What the heck was that about? Deciding to ask about it later, I continued towards the girls, covering my mouth slightly with a fist as I uneasily cleared my throat. But even so, I couldn’t shake the feeling that was keeping me from nearly gasping for air. Get your answers later, I told myself determinedly, you need to focus on having a good time with Lacey and Jenna. That is your only concern. Don’t let your emotions take over.

As we began walking, a thought clicked into my head that cause me to groan involuntarily. This is what a façade is. Ugh! I’m such a liar. I ended the thought with a defeated sigh and looked up to the girls just in time, as Lacey grabbed Jenna’s hand and made a ninety degree turn towards a booth selling crystal pendants and figurines. I smiled slightly, happy to see her having a good time, happy that they didn’t notice my little self-berating episode.

“Michael! Look! This one looks like Sprinkles!” Lacey squealed, raising a small red cat figurine.

The cut of it had rather large ears and the tail was carved to be straight up with a small curve added to the tip of it. Running down the figurines back was a lighter stripe, almost orange. To top it off, a pair of tiny sapphires glinted slightly in the light, giving the crystal a pair of magnificent blue eyes.

My eyes were fixated on the tiny cobalt stones as I smiled, remembering our old cat that was inappropriately named Sprinkles. Lacey had picked the name. I still remember her explanation, “I love sprinkles! And I love this kitty!” But, even with the sweet name, that cat was the worst. Lacey was constantly covered in scratches and father couldn’t come within a few feet of the little monster without getting his ankles bit. Mother was allergic to him, so she stayed away from him. Surprisingly enough, that cat never really bothered me. He wasn’t exactly what I would have called friendly, but he would curl up next to me on the couch and nap. Never touching me, but always close. We more had an indifferent relationship. He minded his space, I minded mine.

“That cat was the worst!” Jenna laughed, speaking my thoughts.

“Aw, come on! He was just grumpy because he was old! Remember your grandpa? He was grumpy, too!” Lacey defended despite the laugh beginning to slip from her lips.

“Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.” Jenna smiled with a slow shake of her head, “Gramps was grumpy for a totally reason. Trust me. Living with Gram was no easy feat.”

At that, the laugh Lacey was trying to hold back erupted full force and the two of them practically fell into each other as the laughter consumed them. I chuckled slightly at the two before turning to the owner, “She’ll take it.”

After paying for the Sprinkles look-a-like, we continued through the streets. Vendors were lined up for about a mile on either side of main street. Behind the tents and booths, various sizes of brick buildings stood. Some stood tall, having recently been reinforced, while others had large cracks and faded color. Most of the buildings were erected with red bricks of varying shades, most of them housing units for the towns people. Any shop buildings or warehouses were built with concrete. The separation in color helped tourists know which buildings were public and which were private.

We continued to walk down the road. Typical asphalt, like most places. It used to be cobblestone, but times change, and the people decided they wanted to keep up with the times as best we could. Not that our tiny town is exactly modern. More like an old, forgotten city that someone took pity on and decided to try to care for it. The sidewalks in Spero were wider than what is normally found. The people here like to walk to their destination, and with the added width, what I assumed to be about double what most are, the festival is made the much easier. The vendors have plenty of room to stay on the sidewalk to stay off the road which leaves plenty of room for both pedestrians and the occasional vehicle.

The longer we walked and the more places we stopped; I couldn’t help but take in all the decorations. Lavenders, violets and indigos. A lot of blues and teals. But most appealing to me, were the little accents of gold and maroon. Some tents even had yellow curtains or streamers hanging down the sides of their set up. Above the tents were strings of lights. Some had more than others and some had decided against the lights and gone for hanging lines of decorative jewels surrounded by gold. The reflection of the sun on the metals and gems tricked the eye into believing it was glowing, even in the light of day. Come nightfall, they would reflect the lights of the other vendors and the entire town will glow as if fairies and mythical creatures lived here.

I had been so lost in thought I hadn’t realized we were already standing back in front of father’s booth. Lacey and Jenna were talking excitedly about everything we had seen and already planning their trip back through when the sun finally went down. Wait a minute. The sun. I finally got myself up to my thoughts and looked up. I felt my eyes widen and my heart skip a beat. What?

“Michael, what’s wrong?” Lacey asked, cutting off her conversation when she noticed me staring towards the sky.

“The sun.”

She and Jenna shared a worried glance, “What about it?”

My body froze in place as my eyes desperately snapped back and forth, up and down. Looking. Searching. What happened? The longer I stared, the more rigid I became.

“This isn’t possible.”

The words leaving my lips seemed so far off, like some one else had been the one to speak it.

“Michael! What’s wrong?” Jenna spoke forcefully. Not angry, no. She was scared. I was scaring her.

But I couldn’t help it. I was losing my grip on reality. This can’t be happening! This can’t be real! It’s not possible! I have to do something! I have to say something! Why can’t I move? Panic began to set in as my body gave in completely to the terror I was feeling. My limbs felt like anchors and my chest was constricting painfully. It was getting worse. It was becoming unbearably tight. Like someone had placed a vice around my chest and was just waiting for it to get tight enough to pop my body like a grape.

Lacey and Jenna were at my side now. Lacey pulling desperately on my sleeve, begging me to answer her. Jenna was in front of me, snapping her fingers in front of me, shouting at me, even go as far as to slap me across the face. They screamed and sobbed, begging and hollering. The commotion caused father to come rushing from the back of the booth. His expression turned, dark, hard.

“Get away from him!” He bellowed, taking one girl in each arm and pulling them away from me and back into the booth.

“But dad! What’s happening? Why isn’t Michael responding?” Lacey cried.

Before he could answer, a solid force slammed directly into my chest. The might of it must have knocked my body from whatever hold it was previously under, though not for long. I felt a hand grab my right wrist tightly, at the same moment I felt an arm from the same side wrap securely around my waist. I another foreign hand grasped my left hand, intertwining their fingers with mine. A shiver of disgust ran down my spine as a fourth hand gripped my jaw, forcing me to look forward. Whatever was holding me pressed itself against my back and I went stiff once more.

“People of Spero!” It was a she. Definitely a woman. Her voice was sharp, it cut right through me and my body jolted in fear. The arm around my waist tightened at my involuntary movement, but she continued, “Your angel has arrived!”

The ice in my blood quickly shifted to fire. Angel? What angel has four arms and attacks a human? Angel my foot! You’re nothing but a disgusting demon! I was suddenly able to move again, though not for long as I was spun around to face the thing holding me. She used my right arm to pull me closer to her, the arm around my waist moving to grip my neck. Not tight enough to cut off air, but enough to do so in the blink of an eye if she needed. I sucked in a sharp breath nervously.

“You, insolent little boy! Insulting the very being that currently holds your life in her hands is a fool’s move, child!” She hissed, baring sharp, incredibly white teeth.

I swallowed hard. She heard me! How?

A flash of amusement crossed her face before she narrowed her gamboge eyes at me once more, “And for further education, child, an angel, is not a being.” She spoke from further back in her throat now. A sound that reverberated up and down my spine with each word, a low husky drawl that was clearly a thing of nightmares, “Angel means messenger. And I am yours.”

[joie-university-rp]

Dear, EVERETT ANDERSON,

It is with great pleasure we invite you admission to Joie University! Welcome to the Thunderclap family!

–

Congratulations, MAX! Please be sure to check the New Members’ Checklistand send in your character’s account within 24 hours from now. We cannot wait to see all that you will bring to this roleplay! We love you already!

OOC INFORMATION:

Name/Alias; preferred pronouns: Max; They/Them Age, Timezone: 26; EST Activity, short explanation: 6/10. I work 60+ hours a week so I mostly have time in the mornings or on my days off. Ships: Everett/Chemistry Anti-Ships: Everett/Forced, Everett/No Chemistry Triggers: RFP Preferred photo for Character’s ID (please give a link): https://i.pinimg.com/736x/77/ad/09/77ad092b21fb228e642299110c9e24c8.jpg Anything else: N/A

IC INFORMATION:

Full Name (First, Middle, Last): Everett Reed Anderson FC: Darren Criss Age/Year at University (Freshman [1st Year], Sophomore, Junior, Senior, or Graduate Student): Transfer as Junior Birth date: April 3rd 1998 Hometown (please be sure to check the hometowns listed for characters your muse is related to!): Daly City, CA Gender/Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Demisexual/Demiromantic Major(s): General Studies Minor(s) [optional]: N/A Housing request (remember, only the president of a Greek Organization is required to live at a Greek House to be in it!): Schuester 203 Extracurriculars (Click here for the list. Be sure to specify any executive board positions [i.e. president, secretary, etc.] If something isn’t listed, please put it here and we will add it to the masterlist!): None Greek Life Affiliation [optional] (Please be sure to specify any executive board positions [i.e. president, pledge educator, etc.] or if your character is not yet a member, but plans to rush): None CHARACTER PROFILE: [Trigger Warnings for Past Mentions of Sexual Assault, Drug/Alcohol Use] + Everett was diagnosed with ADHD at 20. Due to his late diagnoses, school was always tricky for him. He wasn’t able to focus on the task at hand and he acted out because of this. Before Everett entered 7th grade, his parents hired a tutor for him to help get him on par with the rest of his classmates. This tutor took advantage of Everett for a period of 2 years. Everett tried to get his parents to listen to what was happening to him, but his parents copped it up to his overactive imagination. + Everett turned to drugs and alcohol to numb himself from what was happening. When his parents found out, at 16, he was kicked out of his house and forced to find his own way, cut off from the rest of his family. After jumping from shelter to shelter, Everett finally found solace with a friend who had recently graduated and had their own place. He was able to live there for a few years while working full time at Del Taco. + Instead of going back to school, Everett chose to take the GED. With a little help from some street-purchased Adderall, Everett passed. He has been going to City College of San Fransisco and has finally decided to get off the West Coast for a while. He is a recent transfer to Joie, finally able to use the money his grandparents left him for his education. + Everett has no idea that his brothers attend Joie, being that he has had no contact with them for 5 years. + He is not a huge fan of being touched in any manner, shying away from all contact.

STUDENT CENSUS SURVEY: (Please answer the following questions IN CHARACTER. Responses can be as long or short as you see fit!)

What made you want to attend Joie University? “Long story short: My grandparents had a small trust for each of my siblings to use once they hit 21. The money came available to me and I needed a fresh start. Outside of California. Honestly, I’m surprised I even got in.” What are at least 3 positive or neutral and at least 3 negative traits that you believe you possess? “Positive traits? Ha, that’s a good one. I guess if I had to…I could say: self-reliant, protective, and civil?” “The negative is so much easier: Broken, Unforgiving, Callous” Which of your traits do you value most? “Self-reliance. 100%–the only reason that I am where I am is because I can’t trust anyone fully but myself.” How can that trait benefit the University (or its student body) as a whole? “Uh, well the University is going to be using my hard earned cash to fund some new sports arena, I’m sure. So, that’s the benefit of having me.” What do you hope to gain from your experience at JU? “A degree.” What is a quote or song lyric that describes you? “I breathe disaster”

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Garrett Fleming & Aaron Powers

Happy Friday, y’all! This week’s FF is a really special one. Remember when our dream came true earlier this year and our house was featured on Design*Sponge? Well, Garrett was the writer of that beautifully-worded article that so articulately told the story of Thomas’ childhood home, now our home.

Garrett and his boyfriend Aaron discuss meeting on Tindr, and how Garrett’s battle with cancer brought them closer together in a pretty short amount of time. We enjoyed getting to know them, and we think you will, too. Take a look below…

Where are you from? Garrett’s from Arlington, TX, and Aaron is from Detroit, MI.

Where do you live? We live a little north of the gay-borhood in Chicago, IL. 

Instagram handle? @insta__gare and @aaronpwrz

Age: Garrett’s 30, and Aaron’s 33.

On their favorite trip together: Aaron: I’m not sure I could pick just one! Mexico City for the people, Italy for the culture and paninis or San Francisco for the first time I said “I love you” to Gare.

Garrett: I agree, Aar. It’s too hard to choose! I’d have to say San Francisco because it was our first trip together.  

“I remember thinking, ‘Am I going to be stood up? Is he going to be a total kook?’ Spoiler alert: Aaron did in fact show up and was just enough of a kook. He was and will forever be my complement.”

On the uncertain, initial meeting:  Garrett: We met on Tindr, and our first date was at a local spot called Uncommon Ground.

Aaron: I initially thought Garrett had photoshopped his Tindr photos to enhance his eyes. Although an adorable baby photo led me to believe he really was that doe-eyed, seeing him approach as I sat perched upon the edge of a flower pot was confirmation! I even texted a girlfriend “He’s real!” as we were seated at our table.

Garrett: I remember seeing Aar sitting on that flower pot and feeling a rush of relief. I hadn’t met up with anyone from Tindr before, so I was as little anxious. Beforehand, I remember thinking, “Am I going to be stood up? Is he going to be a total kook?” Spoiler alert: Aaron did in fact show up and was just enough of a kook. He was and will forever be my complement.

On taking the leap: Aaron: We were on a layover heading to San Francisco on our first trip together. I had just kicked back a crummy airport manhattan as we waited in a quiet corner of the terminal. Then I just said it. It felt right, so I took the leap

Garrett: I had no idea when the right time would be. Aar’s my first serious boyfriend, so I’d never told anyone that before. Before the trip, I recall telling my friends I was anxious I’d blurt it out on accident. Luckily, he brought it up before I could worry too much. Saved again by Aar!

On fighting with each other: Aaron: We’ve honestly never had a fight. Yes, we’ve debated over paint colors and upholstery once or twice, but it’s never been close to a fight!

Garrett: Never close at all. I never understood my friends who were in “love hard, fight hard” relationship. One of the things I cherish about Aar and I’s relationship is its consistency. After three years together we know how one another ebbs and flows. We’ve found the balance.

On their coming out experiences: Garrett: My family was very supportive and kind. No backlash here!

Aaron: I came out first to my brother when I was about 18. After a couple months of keeping the secret, I began to get a little gutsy with my escapades and spent one too many dinners away from home in a row. I grew up very close to family, so the distance caused some frustration with my mom. After some pressure, my brother caved and told her I was out with a gay friend. The next few weeks weren’t the most fun, but my immediate family eventually came around. They’re very supportive now. I look back on the experience as one of my contributions to destigmatizing homosexuality.

On life not going according to plan: Garrett: I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in the spring of 2016. Halfway through my chemotherapy, a few spots in my pelvis turned out to be colon cancer as well. In the end they were unrelated, totally random and no cause was ever found. For 11 months I received intensive chemotherapy, received over 100 shots, five spinal taps, had four near-death experiences, lost all my hair and had every type of infection you can get. I’m healthy now though!

On how cancer affected their relationship: Garrett: I like to say it put our relationship into overdrive. We had only been dating 10 months when I was diagnosed, and it made us skip right to the real stuff. I spent about 50% of that year living in the hospital, so we weren’t able to do many fun things. We did have a lot of time for just the two of us, though, so we really got to know one another on a deeper level. Looking back, I’m so grateful for this. I feel so deeply connected to Aaron having gone through this with him, and it’s helped us put the other stresses of life into perspective.

Aaron: If anything, it brought us closer. Watching someone fight for their life provides one with a unique look at a person’s true character. We faced difficult decisions together and had to quickly adapt our routines to a new way of life. Doing this makes you understand what’s truly important in life. I don’t know that I’ve met a person more courageous, loving or level headed than Garrett. 

On what he learned about himself during this process: Garrett: I learned more about how I process pain. I could no longer be the guy who bottled things up and waited until the feelings passed. Instead I had to work through all of my feelings in the moment, as it wasn’t good for my recovery to be pent up. I also learned how to best communicate with Aar. We both process things, deal with stress and approach problem solving in very different ways. And an extreme medical diagnosis puts all of that on display.

On their proudest accomplishments: Garrett: By far, I am most proud of how I handled myself during those 11 months. Getting into remission was my full-time job (whether I liked it or not.) Before I was sick, I had gone seven years without needing so much as a prescription. That being said, being told out the blue that I had a life-threatening illness could have really torn me apart. While every day was a battle, I’m most proud that I came out the other end maintaining the positive outlook I had going in.

Aaron: I ran the Chicago Marathon the year Gare and I met. I had never been an athletic person before beginning training in May, and I had certainly never run more than a mile at a time. It was the first time I had been disciplined enough to finish something so huge outside of work projects in my adult life! I trained on my own with the help of a friend for the first half of the summer but completed training and the marathon on my own. The feeling as you approach the last leg of the race, body numb yet burning in pain at the same time, is so overwhelming. Tears began to stream down my face as I crossed the finish line. It was absolutely incredible!

On who they look up to the most: Aaron: My parents. My mom went back to school when my siblings and I were still in elementary school. Watching her work so hard to raise us kids, work part time and still find time to study showed me what hard work and determination looks like. My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease about 15 years ago. Despite the frustration I can sometimes see on his face, my dad has continued to be the most patient person I know. He still works full time to this day. His perseverance is something I hope to inherit.

Garrett: My family is by far my greatest inspiration. Right when I was diagnosed we had a meeting where we acknowledged how hard getting me into remission would be. We gave each other a free pass for a year: We could say and do anything without fear of hurting one another’s feelings as we processed all of the daily ups and downs that were to come. While we would have acted this way no matter what, verbally acknowledging it made it feel that much more ok. And sure enough, once I was in remission, all was forgiven and forgotten.

[lifeinliminality]

BC/AD

I want to tell this story. I think it is important to tell, especially in this moment—when collectively we are straining against the changes wrought by a global pandemic.

Maybe I should start by saying that sometimes stories are something you’ve been working on in your life for years. You’ve crafted and cultivated it. Nurtured and pruned it to your liking. But this story was thrust upon me. This story began in an instant and I could do nothing but see it play out, catch up to its lightning speed pace, and hold on for dear life.

This story began on January 13, 2018 at approximately 11:30pm. It began with a sleeping child on a gurney in a hospital emergency room with his worried parents and a hesitant ER doctor.

While holding my sleeping child, I was given the worst news you could imagine: “He has blasts in his blood. When a child has these blasts it points to leukemia or lymphoma. We’ll be admitting your son tonight.” Cancer. Six letters that spell something life changing.

I remember a teacher once describing the difference between B.C. and A.D. when referring to dates in a history book. When I was a child, I used to think about it as “Before Christ” and “After Death” (meaning Christ’s death). I always thought it was such a strange and monumental way to mark time. Now, it doesn’t seem so strange. Our lives are literally divided into B.C., “Before Cancer” and A.D. “After Diagnosis.” But I’m getting ahead of myself.

For all we knew, our son was a healthy and happy almost three year old. He was a younger brother and would soon become a big brother—just two months prior to this night we had discovered we were pregnant with our third child. He liked Paw Patrol and playing soccer and other sports. An old soul from birth, our middle child both impressed and challenged my husband and I with his iron-strong will.

He had gotten a cold shortly before Christmas. But unlike before, he didn’t bounce back to his normal effervescent self. He got pale, was emotional, lost his appetite and after we spent the night of January 12th up every hour with him moaning, my husband decided to take him to the pediatric urgent care. I had to go to work that afternoon. I run a community wide children’s program in Montclair, New Jersey. My husband said he’d take both boys to the urgent care if he still wasn’t better after his afternoon nap. I met them there that evening after the event, in time to hold my son down while they fished around for a vein from which to draw blood. I hate getting blood drawn. When I was a child, I’d had to be held down because my younger brother was sick and they wanted to make sure I was okay. It traumatized me. But more than having my blood drawn, I hated having to be the one holding my child down for this. Little did I know that this would become a routine part of our existence.

While I waited with our middle son for the blood results, the other two hit up Smashburger in the strip mall next door. It was dinner time now and we were anticipating a rush once we left the urgent care to get our kids fed and ready for bed. Instead, the doctor came in and asked if there was someone local who could take care of our older son while we went to the pediatric emergency room. She was very specific: take him to [redacted for privacy]; no, you cannot go home and eat dinner with your children first. And don’t Google anything. I remember how strange that comment was—mostly because I didn’t even know what I would Google. She hadn’t told us anything about the blood results, only that we needed to go immediately to the Pediatric ER and that she’d called ahead.

We called our pastor, and his wife came over to stay with my oldest until my sister could get out to us from Long Island City.

My husband and I spent the 20-minute car ride to the emergency room trying to distract our two year old with his favorite song at the time: I’m Still Standing from the movie SING! An Elton John classic. It instantly became our mantra in the days ahead.

So there we were, the ER doctor just left the room after dropping the cancer bombshell us. I instantly started weeping, as did my husband. It was completely surreal. An orderly came in to wheel us up to the fifth floor of the hospital. We gathered our things. I was on the gurney with our still sleeping boy. It was after midnight now. January 14th. I don’t think I fully processed that leukemia was cancer until I saw the sign “Pediatric Hematology/Oncology” painted over the door we entered on the fifth floor. It was a waking nightmare.

We were 23 days in the hospital after his initial diagnosis. The first few days were a whirl of tests, surgeries and a steady rotation of doctors, nurses, and specialists. There was paperwork to sign: releasing the doctors and hospital of liability if something happened to our child when he was under sedation for a port placement, spinal tap, and chemo infusions. There was a social worker, a nutritionist, and a flurry of texts from family members and friends as we slowly put the word out.

Around day seven we got another bombshell—type 1 diabetes. Yep. We got a “two-fer.” So not only were we learning all we could about acute lymphoblastic leukemia and fielding calls, texts, and emails from family, friends, and friends of friends who knew someone with leukemia, but we were learning how to take blood glucose readings through “finger sticks,” calculate insulin to carbohydrate ratios, and give manual insulin injections to our son. Our son lost 9 pounds—which on a tiny toddler body renders a child gaunt. He started to associate finger sticks and shots with eating, so naturally, he stopped wanting to eat. They had to put an NG tube in—a tube that goes up the nose, down the back of the throat and esophagus directly into the stomach, so that we could give him Pediasure if he didn’t eat. He caught a cold somewhere around week two, which meant isolating him to his hospital room. He rarely smiled, he mostly slept and cried about taking the few oral medications he had to take daily. By the time of discharge, he could barely walk. His muscles had atrophied from being in bed for so long. Our once very active child couldn’t even climb the stairs at home or get up from a sitting position without assistance.

The day after we were discharged we were right back in the outpatient clinic at the hospital wrapping up the first of five cycles of what is called Frontline Treatment. Each cycle, outside of that first month is 60 days. But it isn’t necessarily a straight 60 days through. Continuing treatment is tied to how a child’s blood counts (red and white blood cells, platelets, and immune cells) are doing. If they are too low, they won’t continue treatment. If they are dangerously low, you’ll be spending a full day in the clinic getting a blood or platelet transfusion. Some cycles require weekly visits to clinic, some daily. Some cycles had four day hospital admittances. It was a tsunami of information and so many appointments to keep track of, along with his diabetic appointments and my OB appointments. And when we weren’t at clinic we were at home. Our son could no longer be in his daycare. We had to forego his friends’ birthday parties and play dates. It took our boy 11 months to finish Frontline Treatment.

The isolation felt overpowering at times. The parts of life we had to give up, the ways we had to change our routines to protect his fragile immune system. We were in survival mode and mostly just trying to get through each day. He hit remission in May 2018. But while he had no detectable cancer cells in his blood, it didn’t mean there weren’t any—and we would have to complete three more years of treatment.

Fast forward to March 2020. Our son has been in what is called “long-term maintenance” for a little over two years (meaning 14 months more until we are off of treatment). He’s been thriving: back at school, managing his meds well, his endocrinology team has been very happy with how we’ve managed his diabetes amidst chemotherapy and steroid treatments . . .

We’d been increasingly worried about what we were hearing in the news about a novel virus: COVID-19. We pulled our middle child out of school a couple of days before the state stepped in and mandated stay in place orders. Suddenly, the whole world was navigating a BC/AD moment: Before Coronavirus/After Disease. Everyone’s lives were instantly changed; families were having to adjust their routines for a huge unknown. Gloves and masks and disinfectant: a norm in our lives for two years now, were becoming household staples.

During our son’s frontline treatment we did not have to follow recent practices to the extreme, but since the stay in place orders, so many of our friends and family have been reaching out. “So this is what this was like.” Yes. Yes, this is a lot like what we have navigated since our son was diagnosed with leukemia. It’s hard, right?

It is hard. And the collective grief that we are all processing as a result of losing jobs, daily routines, a sense of control, and even loved ones can be overwhelming at times. But always, always amidst the darkness, there is light. There is joy and gratitude that can be cultivated and expressed. There are acts of selflessness and generosity to be witnessed and to perform. This is the “brutiful” gift of a situation like this. And really, this is an opportunity to pause and take stock of what is essential to our human existence and to a life well lived.

Nobody asked for this. Nobody wants it. But we find ourselves in the midst of it anyway. What we do and how we hold space in this time is what will matter moving forward. It will be part of our story. That is all I can offer you. In these BC/AD moments, there isn’t a simple solution or even a lot of answers. But I do know this, we will make it through. Life moving forward will not be the same. It can’t be. But we will find our new normal. My hope? That the new normal will mean that we seek and cultivate community more. That we realize we have all been helped by others and that we NEED others to make it through this life. That we have more generosity and compassion for one another because we are more aware that we’ve all been through some shit. Selah.

[xaziroot]

A star, in a sea of darkness.

This is going to be a long one so strap in for the ride. It's going to get real too. I was prompted to write this by my psychologist and complied, I've learnt copious amounts in these past few years and this could help anyone in a similar situation. Gender and mental health talks. This is like a letter to myself and some documentation on things I've had happen.

Some background on me:

I'm Alex, 18, and my main condition is 17β-Hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase deficiency. A condition which impairs sexual development inside and outside the womb. I'm biologically male with XY chromosomes and basically a dick. I'm not trans though before I could have been classed it when not in line with my biological sex. Intersex is what I am. A decision to raise me as female was made and this is the fallout of it all and what I've done after. This is my mental decline and struggling with myself as a human being.

Fights, football and falling out of trees:

I've been going to Great Ormond Street Hospital since the age of 2 and been in psychology since 9. I'm now 18. We're entering the latter part of a decade now, I've had people tell me I'm special but at the same time "a normal kid". But which kid? What was normal? Where did these guidelines come from?

From a young age I knew something was different about me compared to the girls I was lumped into. You oft assume children don't know what they're talking about when it comes to themselves, but I’ve found this to be evidently the wrong mindset. I looked completely different to girls and had a totally different mindset - I was hairier than them, naturally more aggressive and headstrong, liked to do all the stereotypically male stuff; football, fights, falling out of trees the list goes on.

Kids are shit, let's get that out of the way. I remember being taunted with the words gorilla and baboon by family friend’s sons, they pointed at my arms and made remarks like “that's ugly” and “only boys have that”. It did also slightly terrify them so I chased them round with my arms and legs in plain view. I laughed but it really did hurt. This was one of the first times I felt inordinately uncomfortable with my body and myself as a person. I was 5. I continued with laughing at my own pain and not dealing with it for years.

Feelings of not belonging from a young age were ever present and I honestly toiled with my image. I vividly recall in my first psychology session, I was asked what I thought I was. Without hesitation, I stated a boy trapped in a girl’s body. The premise of being a boy completely petrified me however. I was always a tomboy esc child, short hair, loud, wouldn’t mind getting into fights, its goes on. I was certainly a handful and a half.

Condition/Puberty :

My condition means I make zero sex hormone which regulates moods, bone density and one of the most important factors; puberty. A gonadectomy was performed when I was 3 to remove what were my cancerous testes at the time. The fear was if I was to leave these in, when something doesn’t work correctly, it oft turns cancerous. I still think this is horseshit and they should have left them in. (Gonads are what turn into ovaries or testes in every human being when forming inside your mother)

No gonads mean minimal to no sex hormone. I was continually told I needed to take tablets, injections or patches to go through puberty. This onus to medication created this image of I was a freak in my mind. I wasn’t normal and wasn’t a real person. I was but a broken husk of a person. My body nor my mind felt right. To counter this, puberty was induced by a motley of oestrogen based tablets and patches. I absolutely resented these.

Growing up in a conservative east Asian household, I succumbed to the will of my parents and what they wished with no regards or free thoughts of my own wellness. They willed for me to be a girl and that’s what I did. Muted, I got on with life for a few years still feeling horrifically uncomfortable with myself. I scrolled through the internet and browsed through pages upon pages on my condition, further feeling alienated with myself, until I stumbled upon a site which showed, gender wasn’t all black and white.

I scuttled to call my psychologist and let her know the good news. “I IDENTIFY AS A DEMI-GUY!!” She quickly congratulated me and I spoke to her on the spectrum of gender and how it was rather than black and white; a rainbow. Always more masculine and more of an androgynously presented female. Woefully this wasn’t to last. This was around the time I lost a rock in my life; my older brother. I had a younger brother to whom I had always acted like an older brother too, rather than a sister. I also felt I had to step up as the elder male in the family, yet my family considered me nothing of the sort.

They continually told me, stop this mess, you’re a girl get over it. I forcibly resented them and pushed and yelled and fought my way around saying no the fuck I’m not. They tried to make me do typical girl things, wear girl clothes and the like. I had none of it. My sisters, constantly told me, this was but a phase, when I grow up I’ll grow out of this. I’ll be a girl one day. I told them I would rather die. I felt like I would rather die. I had no place in this world.

Boys don’t cry and girls don’t force out their emotions. But, in a family where you’re considered neither, what do you do? How do you cope? I had my mother nor father to speak to, as they said this was all a phase and I was to grow out of it soon. I remember the week before my 15th birthday, I was in the car going to the supermarket with my mum and I yelled, I don’t want to be a girl, I’m not a girl and I want to be a boy. Why am I not normal? Why was I born this way? I don’t want to be alive anymore.

She broke crying saying no one would love me if I did, I wouldn’t be a normal boy and nothing I would do could really work. Well I wasn’t a normal girl so what do I do? I was pushed to the side lines I noticed and my parents focused more of their attention to my younger brother. When I struggled with depression they just pawned it off saying it’s your fault. When my younger brother was diagnosed they rushed to be with him, doing everything for him and stating how I wasn’t a great influence. By 16 I had been diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety along with borderline personality disorder. This was the real start of my downfall mentally.

College and later:

At college, I still struggled with who I wished to be presented as. I said I wanted to change my name and asked everyone to refer to me as Alex. A typically androgynous name, and could be used to refer to both a female and male. I made who I call my best friends now and got into art. I was extremely aggressive towards myself and others. Destructive behaviour was normal, I broke my hands, ripped my knuckles open, tore my skin open with glass shards, razor blades and anything sharp I could get my hands on. The scars of these still run deep on my skin. I had no idea how to cope with myself and others mentally.

My first best friends, absolute nerds like myself. One drew, the others played D&D and got me into it. We wasted hours on end, playing our characters. My character, a weretiger dwarf with god like strength. I had never had so much fun or felt like I was part of something. For some reason, I ended up hating this when it was pointed out, I immediately felt sick and distraught and panicked at hearing it.

By this point I had been off hormone for a few years which was really starting to take its toll on me. I had violent mood swings swinging from angry to happy to sadness within the frame of a few minutes. I hated everything and everyone, feeling as if the world was against me and nothing good was forecast for me.

It was around this time I decided I needed an outlet to pool all my energy into. My psychologist suggested the gym but ultimately, I went for art and drawing. I started seriously drawing in January of 2016. It was the end of my first year in college, summer was here and I decided to really knuckle down on art and get serious. I scrolled through my Instagram and the limited artists I followed. I found a drawing by an artist which left me dumbfounded. It was the coolest thing I had seen ever. I started to speak to this artist who we’ll name Manny for the time. Manny was the kindest, most accepting human being I’d ever met to that point and still, to this day, I hold as the biggest influence in my life.

Manny had been through a lot themselves, neither of our lives, exactly peachy. But they were obviously doing better than myself, something I couldn’t see. Years of mental neglect and struggle flooded out of the gates and I put more pressure on Manny than thought. I had no idea how to cope, I pawned everything bad onto others whom I spoke to, blamed myself for everything and was a glowing disorder of negativity and hatred. Come to the end of the year and Manny had ended up becoming my first S/O. This time, though plagued with issues, was easily the happiest and simplest time of my life. Friends, someone who loved me, a job and a roof over my head, I was on track to be in the worst place mentally ever.

Manny was unrelenting in saying how much I meant to them. This was the first time I had ever felt wanted and needed in my life. The feeling of belonging and genuine appreciation for my existence was something I had never had before. This lasted for a few months until they called it off. I understood but didn’t at the same time. But I accepted it and let it happen. I was sick for a week after this. Lovesickness is a thing and so is heartbreak. Coupled with my brutal mood swings, I grappled and competed with myself and further chipped away at the little self-worth I had. Oddly this affected me for months to come.

Now looking back, neither of us was in a place to be together but I’m glad I did it. I had no idea the sheer joy someone can bring you, the feeling of wanting to be better for them and everything about them. You love their little mannerisms, their little jokes absolutely everything. Nothing feels wrong and you feel nothing can bring you down. Though I had no clue how to cope at the time, this gave me my first taste of what affection is like. You learn what you can cope with and what you can’t.

It was around this time, I was coming to final talks on who I wanted to be.

I had enough. Years of feeling neglected, and feeling chipped away at had taken their toll. It’s odd, you think the small things don’t hurt as much but they really hurt the most. Being called she dozens of times a day, I pawned off but this ultimately hurt me the most. I still struggled with seeing my worth as a human being, still feeling broken. You would be surprised at how much having minimal sexual hormone really does affect you. I couldn’t see the worth in living often and blocked myself in my room and wanted to wither away. I tried overdosing, bleed outs and trying to starve myself into a coma. I once didn’t eat for 2 weeks.

Family constantly still said, get out of your phase now, it’s not real you’ll not be a real boy. But I started Testosterone in December of 2016 against everyone’s wishes. Within a few months, my voice had broken, I was far more muscular, acne to shit and loads more which arrives with the wheel of puberty. I felt a feeling of belonging in my body which I didn’t previously. I still didn’t feel right for months to come until now, November of 2017.

I did a 180 and really started to work on myself. I started going to gym, losing weight, growing my hair out and spoke to my psychologist more on how I could accept myself. It’s tough, when you feel everything is on a fundamental level, wrong. One thing I was told to do was go to a mirror, look at myself and tell myself I love you. The first time I did this, I looked at myself, became so enraged and punched the mirror. I went to work at a networking company 9 - 5 and separated from my college friends, 15 miles away in a different town. I slowly moved away from my friends and Manny themselves said they didn’t want to speak to me anymore. Spending time in hospital with skin issues was more a blessing than a curse.

You’d think losing my best friends, would rip me apart but I felt nothing. I spoke to my psychologist and asked her, was I broken? Why did I struggle to feel anything? Even today, I still toil with my emotions. I don’t have the fix for this now man, but work at it. Gain your friends respect back. Not their approval. You value them as people and not the need to be wanted.

But I’ve come to accept myself more. Now, this may be extremely trivial but I like my face. I think I’m cute. I look fucking beautiful with long hair. Me this time last year, was 180 the other direction, hating myself so much I was tearing my skin apart and wanting to be dead. But I’m happy I’ve lived through it. Bro you’re bomb af and I’m so proud of you. You’re not 100% right now but holy fuck you’re cute.

I’ve learnt a lot in the past few years, but if I went back in time to speak to myself, I would say:

Don’t underestimate yourself.

I’ve had experiences and emotions many people don’t feel during any time in their life. This was something I was told for 4 straight years, month after month. My psychologist continually spoke about how monumental the things I’ve had to deal with are, continually putting others before myself and never caring about how I felt.

Don’t neglect yourself, mentally nor physically.

You might not see it now, but fuck you’re amazing man. You’ve soldiered through shit keeping everything else on top of your shoulders. Your body might not be perfect, but you can work on it. Don’t keep taking it out on yourself. It’s ok. You need to yell, scream, should, punch, kick? Go for it. Cope, don’t feel bad for being by yourself a lot and just wondering round.

Don’t pressure your friends.

A difficult one I will admit since you have no idea how to cope yourself. But in time, you learn. Things you shouldn’t do, things you can do. Friends are friends man! Not psychologists. Love them, appreciate them, don’t be afraid to tell them you love them. They’re there for you and oft family. Don’t offload to them constantly and scare them off. If you struggle, they struggle.

Love yourself.

You’re more than good enough to be alive. Your legs may hurt, your insides might not work perfectly and there’s no more of you but you’re breathing, competent and can love. It’s okay dude! I love you now. I’m what’s basically your older brother, with all experiences. Your dark chocolate eyes, soft flowing brunette hair and pale skin is all good! Your spider hands are cool af and you sound like a 36-year-old man. I’m proud of you kid. So are friends. People who stuck up for you in secondary school are proud you’re becoming the person you’ve wanted to be.

Life is a rollercoaster.

It’s never always going to be sunshine and daisies. It’s a ride with a set number of seats. People come and go but if you think people are worth keeping, you strive to improve yourself. Earn their respect and make sure they’re people whose respect means something to you. Take heed of friend’s words, they have experiences you don’t and may know about something better.

Real family isn’t perfect no matter what you’ve come to believe.

At times, they care when they need something and could toss you aside when they don’t. But don’t worry. Don’t take what Dad or Mum say to heart. They care, in the crudest sense possible. Your sisters, are still a grey area. They’ll still refuse to call you by your name but take it in your stride and like water off a duck’s back. Don’t panic it will pan out in time. They’re just scared for you but show them, you’ve got it down. Don’t rush to gain their approval it’s honestly not worth jack.

You won’t improve your character overnight.

As heart breaking as it is and how you want to see progress there and then, chip away at it. Do little bits and do what you can and change does happen. You’re not perfect and people may suggest things, you’ll not get it right first time, second nor the third. But keep at it. You might go completely the wrong way but attempt it.

You cannot help everyone.

Often its better to remain quiet man.

We all cope in different ways.

Pain is relative. Do not compare yourself to others. You might be able to be hit by a car but a gash is worse for the other person. Nothing is a competition. You may be hit constantly with bad news but take it as it comes and deal with it. Don’t go comparing your pain to others, it’s bad news.

Illness isn’t the end of the world.

Don’t panic or come to believe it’s the end of it all. Won’t lie, you have potential osteoporosis on the way and your nerve damage gets worse but take it as it comes. You’re still ok. You find methods to cope with it.

Finally man, you're growing up and smashing norms within our culture. You've even been called a pretty boy twice. Life moves in mysterious big guy.

Anyone wants to speak to me about anything, transitioning, changes, coping anything, send me a message. I’m not perfect but I'll really try and help you.

[love-god-forever]

She Saw God’s Grace in Satan’s Temptations—Her Children Recovered

By Dan Chun, Malaysia

I stood at the door of the hospital, for a long moment not daring to go in. Scenes of the past came into my mind: It was at this hospital that my parents and husband entered and never came out! I hesitated for a long time at the hospital entrance, and I was very scared. I didn’t have the courage to walk in. In case my son … I dared not think about it anymore …

Happily Welcoming the Lord’s Return

I am a single mother, and a Christian. In June of 2017, a sister told me about God’s gospel of kingdom. Through reading God’s words, I learned about the root of mankind’s corruption by Satan and God’s six-thousand-year management plan to save mankind, and I also learned that only by accepting God’s work of judgment in the last days can we escape our corrupt satanic dispositions and gain a perfect destination, so I gladly accepted God’s work of the last days. Afterward, I yearned for God’s word, and in my daily life and at work, whenever I had faced a problem I didn’t know how to resolve, I prayed to God and found a path to practice in God’s word, which allowed me to realize that God’s word is the lamp to my feet, and the light to my path. But just when I had developed a degree of faith in God, Satan’s temptation came to me …

In My Son’s Illness, Relying on God and Seeing God’s Works

On the afternoon of December 7, my son had just returned from school, and from the color of his face I could tell something was wrong. He had a fever, so I assumed it was due to pressure from his recent exams, and that he would be fine once he took some medicine. By 6:00 p.m., his condition was growing worse, and when I touched his head, he was even hotter than in the afternoon! I rushed to bring him to the doctor, who said that he would be fine after drinking more water and taking some medicine. But two days later, my son’s condition was even worse. He couldn’t eat, and he kept saying he was tired and wanted to sleep. Sometimes his fever would recede for an hour, but it would immediately come back. His face was pale, and his body was hot and cold in turns. I had a hunch that his symptoms were similar to dengue fever, and there had been other cases nearby, with severe cases causing death, so I was very nervous. I stayed by my son the entire night, and constantly brought ice cubes to lower his temperature.

The next morning, my son was very weak. I wanted to bring him to the doctor, but he insisted on going to school to take an exam. After he left, I suddenly remembered that my older brother had once caught dengue fever, so I called my brother to tell him my son’s symptoms, and my brother anxiously said that if his blood pressure dropped below 30, there was no way to treat it, and that when he caught dengue fever, he was treated abroad. In the afternoon, my son came back, and his face looked even worse. My brother took him to the clinic for a blood test, where he was finally diagnosed with dengue fever, and where it was discovered that his blood pressure was low, and that he needed to go to the hospital immediately. Even though I was somewhat prepared psychologically, I still had a hard time believing this was really happening.

I rushed home, frantically packed a bag, and went to the hospital. I stood outside the door for a long time, not daring to go inside. I remembered family members who had died at this hospital in the past, so I really lacked the courage. In my helplessness I suddenly remembered God. “That’s right,” I thought, “I’m a believer in God, so I should rely on and look to God.” So, in my heart, I prayed to God, “God, my son is sick, and I don’t know what to do. Please, God, give me faith and the courage to face it.” After praying, I thought of God’s words, “Faith is like a single log bridge, those who cling abjectly to life will have difficulty in crossing it, but those who are ready to sacrifice themselves can pass over without worry. If man has timid and fearful thoughts, they are being fooled by Satan. It fears that we will cross the bridge of faith to enter into God. Satan devises every way possible to send us its thoughts, we should always pray that the light of God will shine on us, and we must always rely on God to purify us from Satan’s poison. We shall always be practicing in our spirits to come close to God. We shall let God have dominion over our whole being.” God’s words made me realize that my terror and fear were Satan’s disturbance, but I believed God is almighty, that God is by my side and always there to help me, so I should have faith in God, rely on God, and experience things. When I thought of that, I was able to calm my heart, the terror in my heart vanished, and I was able to go inside.

The doctor said my son had dengue fever, and his blood pressure was already lowered to 50. Any later and things could have been very dangerous. After I finished procedures to check my son into the hospital, it was already past 11:00 p.m. I sat in the chair in the sick ward looking helplessly at the ceiling, and before I knew it I again thought of my relatives who had passed away. I was very worried for my son, and at the same time I was confused. I had just accepted God’s work of the last days, so why had my son, who was always healthy, suddenly become sick? The more I thought, the more negative I felt, until tears began to fall. I didn’t know how to face what would come next, so I messaged one of my sisters, who sent me a passage of God’s word: “God works, God cares for a person, looks upon a person, and Satan dogs His every step. Whoever God favors, Satan also watches, trailing along behind. If God wants this person, Satan would do everything in its power to obstruct God, using various evil ways to tempt, harass and wreck the work God does in order to achieve its hidden objective. What is its objective? It does not want God to have anyone; it wants all those that God wants, to occupy them, control them, to take charge of them so they worship it, so they commit evil acts alongside it. Is this not Satan’s sinister motive?”

She then fellowshiped to me, “God’s work in the last days is the final step in His management plan to save mankind, and is also the moment when the spiritual battle is most intense. When we accept God’s work and turn to God, it means that we betray Satan and live in God’s care and protection. Satan isn’t satisfied to simply let us turn to God, so it tries to disturb and ruin our relationship with God. It knows children are our flesh and blood, so it uses our children’s illness to disrupt our relationship with God and make us doubt and betray God, after which we lose our chance to gain God’s salvation and return to its dominion, where it toys with us, harms us, and swallows us. So, we must clearly see Satan’s evil intentions, quietly go before God and be intimate with Him, and avoid falling victim to Satan’s schemes. At the same time, we also must believe that everyone’s life is in God’s hands, and no matter how arrogant or evil Satan may be, it wouldn’t dare do anything to us without God’s permission, so we need to rely on God, look to God, use our faith in God to defeat Satan, and stand firm and testify for God!”

My sister’s fellowship and encouragement calmed me. I realized my son’s illness was part of a spiritual battle, that Satan was using my son’s illness to disturb me and make me misunderstand and blame God. Satan was truly vicious and despicable. When I realized this, I no longer felt cowardice in my heart, and I had faith that my son’s recovery was in God’s hands. I knew I had to rely on my faith in God to overcome Satan’s disturbance. So, I quietly went before God and prayed to ask God for faith and guidance as I experienced these circumstances.

Two days later, the doctor said my son’s blood pressure was still very low, and that he had to remain in the hospital for treatment. My son was very anxious when he heard this, and adamant that he had to return to school for another exam. I knew this exam was especially important to my son, but I was afraid he would be in danger again if he left the hospital, so I didn’t know what to do. That evening, my sister messaged me to ask how things were going and about my son’s condition, and I told her what happened during the day, after which she sent me this passage of God’s word, “Of everything that occurs in the universe, there is nothing that I do not have the final say in. What exists that is not in My hands? All that I say goes …” God’s word carried authority and calmed my anxious heart. Even though I didn’t know what would happen next, I believed that whether my son would get well or be able to take part in his exams wasn’t up to any person, but was in the hands of God. Once I understood that, I felt a great sense of release. The next afternoon, the doctor happily announced that my son’s blood pressure had gone up, and that he could finally leave the hospital! He only needed to come back for regular checkups. I was very happy when I heard this news, because I saw that I only had to pray, rely on God, and trust that God’s authority rules over all things to see the works of God. At the same time, I also saw God’s blessing, because as I was doing the discharge procedure for my son, I discovered his treatment wouldn’t cost me even a penny! Several months prior, my daughter had applied for a government benefits card, and at the time the benefit fund hadn’t been stablished, but when my son was discharged from the hospital, the doctor told me the fund was in place, and all I had to do was use the card. In this, I saw that God dominates and presides over all matters and things, and that God’s love for me was real!

In My Daughter’s Illness, Reflecting on My Own Mistaken Intentions in Believing in God

Unexpectedly, one evening two weeks later, my daughter also became ill with dengue fever! When I brought her to the hospital, the doctor said my daughter’s condition was very bad, that her heart was weak, and that the situation was dangerous. The doctor’s words frightened me. The doctor wrote a prescription for a medicine to treat my daughter’s symptoms, but the hospital didn’t have the medicine, so I, my brother, and my daughter’s friends began searching for a place to buy the medicine. On the way, I thought of the situation when my son was sick, and I knew that there was nothing I could do, so I prayed non-stop, “God, You granted me my daughter, and now she’s in danger. I don’t know whether we’ll be able to buy the medicine or how to face what might come next, so I ask for Your guidance in finding a path to practice!” I went to several hospitals, but still wasn’t able to buy the medicine, so again I prayed to God, entrusted the matter to God, and asked God to make arrangements. Afterward, when the doctor checked up on my daughter, he found that her feet weren’t as cold and that she seemed to be recovering. Hearing the doctor’s words was very reassuring for me.

Late that night, after everyone was asleep, as I stood by the window looking out at the warm glow of the streetlights, a sudden torment took hold of my heart when I realized that just after I accepted God’s work of the last days, both of my children became so sick they needed to be hospitalized. I didn’t understand why God would allow such circumstances to come to me. In that instant, I felt especially humiliated and miserable, and I began to blame God. I knew my state wasn’t right, so I sent a message to my sister in the church to tell her of my thoughts.

The sister sent me a passage of God’s word: “How many believe in Me only so I would heal them? How many believe in Me only so I would use My powers to drive unclean spirits out of their bodies? And how many believe in Me simply to receive peace and joy from Me? How many believe in Me only to demand from Me more material wealth, and how many believe in Me just to spend this life in safety and to be safe and sound in the world to come? How many believe in Me only to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven? How many believe in Me only for temporary comfort but do not seek to gain anything in the world to come? When I brought down My fury upon man and seized all the joy and peace he originally possessed, man became doubtful. When I gave unto man the suffering of hell and reclaimed the blessings of heaven, man’s shame turned into anger. When man asked Me to heal him, yet I acknowledged him not and felt abhorrence for him, man went far away from Me and sought the way of witch doctors and sorcery. When I took away all that man had demanded from Me, then all disappeared without a trace. Therefore, I say that man has faith in Me because I give too much grace, and there is far too much to gain.”

On the phone, my sister said, “God is the Creator, we are created beings, and we enjoy everything supplied by God, so we should worship and obey God. When we are controlled by our desire to gain blessings, we think that because we believe in God, He has a duty to watch over us and protect us and all that we have, to keep our families safe from illness and disaster; the moment one of our family members becomes sick, complaints against God are produced in our hearts, and we even begin to doubt God. Although you saw that God presides over all things in the treatment of your son’s illness, and you saw God’s love, you didn’t have faith in God because you saw God’s authority and love, you decided to obey God because God cured your son. Now that your daughter is sick, the little faith you had has disappeared without a trace, and you’ve begun to doubt God’s salvation. You believe in God because of your desire to gain blessings, so Satan uses your children’s illness to disturb you, make you doubt God, and then make you deny and betray God, and finally bring you back under its dominion. This is Satan’s sinister intention. But God’s wisdom is exercised based on Satan’s schemes. God has allowed these circumstances to come to you to first allow you to see Satan’s evil nature of attacking and harming people, but also to use its disturbance to reveal your mistaken notions about God. We are already in the final stage of God’s work to save mankind, and God wants to gain a group of people who fear and obey God, so if we believers in God only pursue grace and blessings, then in the end our belief will be in vain.”

After reading God’s word and hearing my sister’s fellowship, I blamed myself, because God had been by my side throughout my entire journey, used His words to guide me, time and again God had opened paths for me, and God’s love had been so sincere, but I only ever cared about my own family and interests, and my prayers had been full of seeking and demands. When God didn’t satisfy my demands, I lived in negativity and resented God. If these circumstances hadn’t come to me, I would never have seen my mistaken views on belief in God, I would have carried my intentions to gain blessings forward, and in the end I would have been eliminated. When I realized these things, my heart was filled with gratitude to God, because God’s love for me was indeed great.

Understanding God’s Will, Obeying God’s Orchestrations and Arrangements

After that, my sister played a hymn for me called Submit to All of God’s Orchestrations. After hearing it, I was very moved, and I couldn’t help but pray to God, “God, You have granted me everything, You have brought me before You, and today You arranged these circumstances to purify and change me. Your love for me is indeed great. I am willing to entrust my child to you and submit to Your orchestrations and arrangements!”

In the days that followed, my daughter’s blood pressure remained low, and even though I was nervous, I prayed to God in my heart, was willing to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and no matter what would not blame God. One afternoon, the doctor called me to his office. When I saw him, he happily said to me, “The test results are very good. Your daughter’s heart is stable and her feet no longer show symptoms of coldness. I’m surprised her blood pressure rose to normal levels so quickly. She can leave the hospital!” The doctor’s words brought tears of joy streaming from my eyes, and I couldn’t help but thank God in my heart!

After experiencing these things, even though I underwent some painful refinement, I feel that my relationship with God is closer than before, and that I have greater faith in God. Satan’s temptations and disturbance showed me its essence of harming and afflicting people, and by facing Satan’s temptations and disturbance, I was able to rely on and look to God, see how God’s word guided me step by step, and allowed me to successfully escape Satan’s encirclement. I saw God’s authority and sincerity, that God is truly reliable, and at the same time I came to understand my own mistaken notions about belief in God. I truly gained a great deal!

In the future, when things not in accord with my will happen to me, I will have learned to turn to God, entrust matters to Him, and look to Him, seek the lessons I ought to learn, and no longer misunderstand or blame God, because I believe God’s intentions are always good. Thanks be to God!

[iamnotawriterstill-blog]

Auto Biography for English Class

I wish I was able to say I remember it like it was yesterday, but that would be nearly impossible to do. I can tell you what I know about the year, but not how I felt consciously or physically. "Walk like an Egyptian" was the number one hit on the music charts, neon colored signs and electronic music was huge, and some of my favorite metal bands formed right around that time. The year is 1987 and in January of that year, I was born.

It was a beautiful cold day at 33 degrees, only about a half inch of snow on the ground, but the sun was shining bright as ever. My mother said she was only in labor for about 4 hours. Which isn't that bad supposedly. Being an easy baby, I still respect my mother dearly for what she was about to experience, on her own. My dad I call him, Robert Taylor is his name, but not a person I would call father. I can't really call him dad either because I have never met him. I wouldn't get a father for another 5 years. My mother, an ex E4 Crypto-tech from the United States Army, was one tough cookie. She was a "tom-boy' they call it. Working 4 jobs, refusing to accept welfare or food stamps, she was my hero.

My mother had to be both parents, mom and dad. She had to teach me to do a lot of things on my own since she worked a lot. Once I was in preschool, I had my own house key. She taught me to cook by age 4, little things like mac n cheese, spaghetti, eggs, and sandwiches. How to do my own laundry and dishes as well. I gladly did those things because I knew how much help it would be for my mother who works all day every day. But soon things would start to get a lot easier. Life was about to be amazing, so I thought.

Dennis Copfer Sr. was his name, the half Italian, half Irish man with two sons 7 years older than me by the names of Dennis Jr. and Jayson. I remember it like it was yesterday waiting to meet him for the first time after my mother and him have been dating for about a year, I was so excited. Jumping for glee as they pulled into the driveway, I ran towards the door screaming "Mom they're here! They're here!". My mother running down the stairs quickly excited as well to see her boyfriend and meeting his kids for the first time as well. I could almost tell just by the way they exited the car that my mother and I were probably the only two excited. Dennis Sr. exits the car with a huge smile and takes about 5 steps before looking back at the car and says, "Come on boys, don't be like this right now, I'm really not in the mood for you guys to be acting this way!" I was confused but didn't show it as I stepped outside like a man, walked up to him with my hand out, and said "Hello Dennis, I am Zac. It is good to meet you." He was kind of stunned but couldn't help but to crouch down and thank me and reciprocate the feelings.

Time went by slowly as I waited for my new step brothers to come inside. Dennis finally went out and made them come in. They obviously were very cranky and did not want to meet anyone at that moment. Their parents are divorced and at that time have only been divorced for a couple years; I later found out that they felt as if my mother was stealing their father from their mother. The boys refused to talk to me, or my mom, but Dennis said it would take time and that was something my mother and I could understand. This was a weird beginning.

Immediately the two families didn't really like each other. My brothers still didn't like me even as time went on. Why didn't my brothers like me? It wasn't until I actually asked them later in life that they told me it just wasn't fair that I had two parents to take care of me and one of them being THEIR father. But little did they know, their father didn't like me much. Trying to explain this to them was hard, because either way, I was bound to piss them off. If I talked good about him, jealously would overcome, if I talked bad, their defenses would come up. It was really a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario.

Dennis and Jayson got everything they wanted and needed whenever they asked. I didn't ask for anything another child wouldn't ask for. My mother noticed these things and was always there to help, a little too much at times, we will get back to that as well. It would be this underlying fact that would end their marriage.

Teenage years quickly came and with my testosterone rising, and my father's declining, we started bumping heads more than ever before. At this point my parents have fought a lot, as I have fought with Dennis as well. When I was younger we always had some sort of alcohol in the house and it was usually beer. Beer turned into one bottle of Vodka and Whiskey, to that one bottle of each turning into two bottles of each, per week. Tempers of both parents got worse and worse as my high school career went on. Doors slamming, cabinets slamming, glasses breaking, and voices rising way into the late night, early morning hours. "If you paid all the bills in this house, then you could do whatever you want!" Yells my father. "If you would let me HAVE a job then I would pay some of the bills Dennis!" my mom replied. "Your jobs don't pay you enough for you to not be home cleaning this place and doing my laundry" he responded. I became violent as well and started acting out in school, and started drinking and smoking. This is why I got my GED.  It was when it got to this that my mom had have enough. A tom-boy being treated like a woman in the 40's was not something she took lightly. They would argue nightly, I would hear it and see it, but I would quietly sit in my room only coming out if needed for protection.

A frail alcoholic man, weak and tired, red hair whitening day by day, my father's anger grew. My mom being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, losing her gallbladder, and becoming a diabetic, made her sad. They divorced only a few months after these issues were discovered and that actually ended up being a good thing. My mother and I living in separate house from my father by the time I was 18 wasn't what I had in mind. Remember how I said that my mom would help me, but a little too much and how it was the reason why their marriage ended? Well its quite silly really. It was over the use of my father's car. Around the age of 18 even though I was out of school with a GED, prom was still something that my friends and I had planned to do together. My friend's parents letting their kids borrow their nice car was still a huge thing. My father would never buy me a car, so my mother let me take his.

The 2005 Cadillac STS sat there staring at me like a seductive, sexy, strip club waitress as she whispered into my ear "Come on Zac, take me out tonight, you're going to look so good with me!" My phone ringing off the hook to phone calls like "Zac, where are you? Are you coming with us or not? Everyone is meeting at the restaurant." My mom looked at me and tossed me the keys and said "Be careful, you've earned this, but don't mess this up. I love you!" The night was finally beginning. And as quickly as it started, it continued, and it came to an end. An end to a night that we were all so anxious about and a night that we will never forget, especially for me. After an amazing night I rushed home, I cleaned the car back to how it looked when I got in it, seat back to exactly where it was, mirrors as well. The next day that I found out that my night before was going to be the reason my parents would get divorced.

The closer I walked to my house, step by step, I heard voices screaming, things breaking, and neighbors walking out of their houses to figure out what was going on. My father came home and noticed the one thing I could not fix about the car, the mileage. "I told you to never drive my Cadillac Barbara, it's the only nice thing I have and I told you I want no one fucking driving it, I don't have you insured!" My mom was taking the blame for me. He kept yelling at her "You're so fucking stupid that when someone tells you not to do something, you go ahead and do it anyways!" I couldn't sit there and watch my loving mother who does everything for us, again do something selfless and take the blame for something I wanted to, and did do. I came in and started yelling "Stop fucking talking to my mother like that, you have no right to yell at her like this she has done nothing wrong." "I am the one who took your damn car, I took it to prom, mom wanted to make sure I at least had one normal experience in my life to talk about and be a part of." My dad decided right then and there that he was done with my mother, and that's because in that moment, he thought of her as a liar. She had lied to him about her son, driving his $50,000 Cadillac to prom. So we moved out. And life went onﾅ

After my parents divorcing and my mother and I moving out, I decided I needed a total life change. I decided to travel the country, chasing storms, fixing houses, and building new homes. I finally met a beautiful woman and decided to move to Knoxville, Tennessee. My mother was in remission, my father being court ordered to take care of my disabled mother, she had to move back in with him. They became friends again, and in time fell back into love. The once crazy family was starting to settle and we were starting to just get used to the things we could not change. My father not being alone anymore since the divorce helped him a lot. He ended up quitting drinking and going into rehab for it. My mother who was partially blind for 20 years finally got her vision back through surgery and could finally see again.

Now the year is 2011, life is seeming to be exactly what I wanted it to be. I am engaged to get married, my divorced parents are back living together, and I am making decent money compared to my expenses. I feel wealthy. Life can be strange at times and even when you think you're up, you may just be on the verge of falling down. At least that was true in my case. Lets' jump back 6 or so years...

Remember me getting my GED? Well getting your GED at 16 years old makes you feel alive, makes you feel older and responsible. Responsibility for yourself at a young age is not something you should take lightly, and I sure didn't. I was working 3 jobs at the time, HVAC from 5am-10am, Head Cook from 12pm-5pm, and a Sales Associate for a clothing store from 6pm-11pm. I made good money with very little time to spend it. My bank account grew. By this time I felt as if I had the world by the horns. I was so cool, so I thought. At that time I was probably cool, working, making money, having money to spend, and having the time to do so was exactly what I had and could do.

I guess you can get way ahead of yourself and start taking things for granted and not appreciating things that are right in front of you. Life began to slip away. I started losing friends to suicide (16 years old) and to drug addiction (17,18,19,20,21,22 years old, a friend every year) and it started making me realize that I really needed to figure out how to keep what I have and the steps to take that in the future, I can keep progressing and making my future even better. Sometimes a curveball can really hit you out of nowhere.

At the age of 23 is when everything fell apart. I remember it like it was yesterday, not being able to reach my mother, dad in rehab, friends nowhere to be found besides my best friend Rob. I couldn't reach my mother via phone, online, or any other way and that was not like her to not pick up the phone. I had to call Rob to have him stop by my mother's house where we found her dead. Then the day I found out she passed away, my fianc￩ who I am living with in Tennessee decides to leave me saying that I was going to be too screwed up mentally to be able to stay focused on our relationship and so there I was alone. Two weeks after my mother's death my father had a stroke in the middle of the night his first day out of rehab. Then my job fired me while I was gone because they didn't believe my dad died as well. Even with providing the proper documents to prove it, they already Red Listed me as not being able to be rehired.

Life hasn't been easy since I lost both of my parents but I have grown to be strong. I am now a father and when looking back at everything I have been through, I am able to learn from it and properly teach my son how to do good in life. I am in college at the age of 30 because I have never given up. This may be the end to this story but not the end to my story. My story will continue to grow as I get older. I feel as if life is just now starting for me. A whole new life, the life of a father.

[brajeshupadhyay]

Scared patients, overflowing hospitals and overworked doctors​: It's time Tamil Nadu govt got its act together in Chennai

It's 8 pm. The streets of Chennai are dead. The checkpoints have multiplied for this 12-day lockdown, so have the cops on the street. Every vehicle is being stopped, scanned, questioned.

Near the Rajiv Gandhi Government General Hospital (RGGGH), one of the four main facilitates which is treating COVID-19 patients in Chennai, this reporter saw an MTC bus leaving with a few healthcare workers. All of them looked like they were about to pass out. As we parked next to the canteen, this reporter spotted a doctor in blue scrubs and a green mask, walking with her head bowed down. In 2017, this reporter had interviewed a bunch of newly-christened ‘doctors’ at this very spot. Three of them had animatedly spoken about throwing themselves headlong into the profession, in spite of the various drawbacks.

Opposite the parkin, a board read: new PG Hostel. Wonder how many of the 42 PG doctors from Madras Medical College, who had tested positive for COVID-19 almost two weeks ago, stayed there.

Meanwhile, the reporter's friend’s cousin got out of the car and was waiting to catch a glimpse of her husband, who had tested positive a few days ago. He had almost recovered from fever when he experienced a bout of breathlessness and had to be rushed back to the facility. Since he has been at the COVID facility inside the RGGGH campus. She was bringing him a change of clothes, some medicines and was seeing him for the first time since he was admitted at the facility. They exchanged a few nervous words, as my friend and I tried to look away.

The COVID Outpatient Block is two towers away from where we stood in Tower 1. These towers have a raised entrance, which makes the reception visible from the road, as well. As we started driving past the campus, I looked at the bright lights coming from the tower. Nothing poetic came to my mind but the dead silence, which is unusual to the hospital because usually it is bustling owing to Chennai Central Railway Station which is located right across the road. The jarring lights coming from the COVID Outpatient Blocks, only added to the general uneasiness that one had started to feel in Chennai.

Rajiv Gandhi Government General Hospital in Chennai

The COVID-19 Outpatients Block at the RGGG Hospital is built like a wedding hall. It has huge steps leading up to a hall-like reception. On either side are ramps. Ambulances stop at the right corner, from where patients can be wheeled in. Before you enter, there is an assistance kiosk outside labelled ‘May I Help You’.

Those entering were made to sanitise their hands at the kiosk. The healthcare workers, manning the kiosk, also answer questions if you are confused. This kiosk though is not manned at all times. While we were there, a few people had to look around for help. Diagonally opposite the kiosk is a space to wash hands. Inside the hall, there are rows of chairs, all placed at a distance of 4-5 feet, facing a reception area. Patients have to wait their turn to make their entry at the reception, following which doctors on duty will assess the patients. Some have attendees helping them, while most of them are there by themselves.

There are huge windows on either side of the entrance. This is where the family and friends of those who’ve gone inside are waiting.

Pushpa, a resident of Thideer Nagar in Besant Nagar, was here with her husband K*, who was diagnosed with blood cancer in September 2019. He was just about to commence radiation therapy at Cancer Institute in Adyar when another patient at the institute was tested positive for COVID-19. Since April, as many as seven patients and three healthcare workers from the institute had tested positive.

All the patients from that ward were told to test themselves for COVID 19 before seeking further therapy. K’s first test was negative but a second test confirmed their worst fears. After this, K was advised to seek help from RGGGH.

"Now, they have said even though he is not showing any symptoms, he will be taken to an isolation ward for 14 days as he is a cancer patient," said his brother Suresh. Pushpa is worried that postponing radiation therapy will adversely impact K. "We already pushed it by three months. Now I am not sure when we can actually get to it," she said. As Pushpa continues to tell her story while waiting for the ambulance which would take K to the isolation facility, a doctor in a blue PPE darts out, a nurse in a green PPE at her heels, signalling for a stretcher.

"Why isn’t it here yet, it's been half an hour," the doctor asked the nurse. “No ma’am, I’ll get it, just a moment," the nurse said before signalling furiously to a group of healthcare workers standing 100 meters away, next to a few stretchers. Two of them, with a face mask and no PPE, hauled it across the ramp, while the doctor looked around, clicking her feet. While waiting for the stretcher, the doctor glanced over to this reporter, and almost as if reading the reporter's mind she quickly looked away before there was a question. It was almost a telepathic no.

Close to a month of tailing healthcare workers on COVID duty across the state will teach you to steer clear of them when they were working. Interrupting the nurses or the doctors on duty inside the OP was out of the question.

"You need to understand that everybody is in a lot of tension. There is a lot of work. Just during my eight-hour shift, more than 600 people trickle in," said Palanisamy*, a contract worker from Korukpet, who was overseeing security arrangements outside the OP. "It wasn’t so much in the beginning, but now it is 24/7. This place doesn’t sleep anymore,” he added, explaining that asymptomatic patients from RGGGH were sent to facilities outside, whereas those with moderate to severe symptoms were housed within the hospital. "People are scared. Look at his face, can’t you see panic in it," he remarked, pointing at a middle-aged man who walked past us.

“There is no reason to panic, we are very much in control. The uncertainty is going to be there because we don’t know how this pandemic will turn out but that doesn’t mean one should panic,” Dr K Narayansamy, Director of the Hepatology Department at MMC, said. He was recently appointed the Dean of MMC and Rajiv Gandhi Government General Hospital after the former Dean Dr R Jayanthi went on leave until further notice.

MMC and RGGGH have been through choppy waters in the past few months, with many doctors, PGs, nurses and healthcare workers testing positive for COVID-19. It seemed a little ironic to be sitting inside a building with a possibly high viral load but being told that RGGGH is dealing with the pandemic head-on, minus the panic.

Asking about F's experience, a COVID-19 positive patient who had told this reporter that he was turned away from RGGGH when he had shown up there with his results. F had said that he was denied admission due to lack of beds in the hospital. Dr Narayanswamy says that it must have been a misunderstanding. "We’ve close to 1,000 beds, half of them equipped with oxygen supply. We are constantly upping our capacity, there is no way anybody would have said there are no beds," Narayanswamy said, explaining that doctors make an assessment of patients in the OP block. If a person shows moderate to severe symptoms, they are admitted to the COVID care unit. If they don’t, they are sent to isolation wards outside RGGGH for observation. "This is how we ensure that facilities are available to those who are in actual need, without burning it all out," added Narayanswamy.

Eventually, F was admitted to RGGGH and is at the moment, stable. F said he is happy with the facilities now and feels that he is well taken care of.

Whether or not his problem was a wrong assessment of the patient’s symptoms or if the patient had misunderstood the doctor, what was told to him doesn’t seem easy to figure out. This problem though has been mentioned by many doctors on duty. Some of them, across several districts in Tamil Nadu, said that they assess ILI (Influenza-Like Illness) symptoms in patients and to ensure that the system isn’t overburdened, admit those who absolutely need hospital care. If not, they are told to rest and recover at home. A few patients are also not very forthcoming which hinders the process further. But since the decision largely rests on discretion, as there are no guidelines set in stone, there is room for error.

***

Kilpauk Medical College Hospital, Chennai

The waiting area outside the COVID OP Block in Kilpauk Medical College Hospital (KMCH) was an open space, like a sit out in a park. It had an enclosure on top but was open otherwise. Ambulances were lining up right in front of the waiting area, from where patients were being taken into the OP.

The ones waiting their turn had worry written all over their faces. Approaching a young woman seated alone, the reporter asked her in Tamil, "Neenga positive patient ah (Have you been tested positive)?" She first shook her head and then nodded. She introduced herself as C* from Nepal. The reporter switched to Hindi and asked her if she wanted to speak to her. She said yes, and pulled out a piece of paper from her bag. She pointed to the section which said ‘POSITIVE’. "I don’t know where they are going to take me," she said.

C has been living with her son in Chennai for more than a year now. The lockdown had been a drag as she was out of work. But she had managed until she developed a fever a few days prior. Though her fever subsided, she tested positive for COVID-19. So, she packed up, told her son to stay home and set out for Kilpauk Medical Hospital.

“What will they do now, how long will I have to wait here?” she asked. She had two young teens to keep her company. Their uncle, who was on dialysis, had tested positive for COVID-19. "He is in there, getting it done. They usually do it on the arm, but this time they are going through his neck,” one of them said explaining the process of dialysis. Two rows away, an individual who was waiting his turn, spat onto his side. Everybody looked, a few hissed.

Twenty-four hours later, C had been allotted a room at a COVID isolation facility in Pulianthope. She was first lodged at a facility within KMCH, and then the next day transferred. It has been three days and she seems okay.

The problem that patients seem to face at government facilities is only at the beginning. Stricken by panic in the beginning, most patients are confused and need reassuring. Healthcare workers, however, seem overworked and not in a position to do so.

***

Government Order 174 issued by the former health secretary Beela Rajesh, dated April 3 of 2020 reads:

“1. In the G.O. read above, the Government has notified the list of designated Government Hospitals for treatment of COVID-19 patients. Further, treatment for COVID-19 is being offered in all Government Medical College Hospitals, District Head Quarters Hospitals and Key Sub-District Hospitals completely free of cost.

2. It has been brought to the notice of the Government that certain patients/public desire to have treatment for COVID-19 in Private Hospitals also.

3. Considering the spread of CoronaVirus Disease (COVID-19) in the State, the Government have decided to include the Private Hospitals in the State for treatment to COVID-19 patients to prevent the spread of this communicable disease.

4. Accordingly, the willing patients are hereby informed that they may approach the Private Hospitals listed in the Annexure to this order to receive treatment for COVID-19, at their own cost. The hospitals are directed to follow the treatment protocol prescribed by the Government of India from time to time.”

Of the 22 hospitals listed on this Government Order, the number of private players catering to COVID-19 patients in and around Chennai has increased to 45 in a period of two months. Yet, there is uncertainty regarding the functioning of these hospitals.

First, a few videos emerged saying that these hospitals are charging exorbitant and unaffordable rates. This was followed by another government order, which capped the price for private hospitals. For non-critical cases, the cost was to be capped at Rs 5,000 per day. For critical cases, the cost was fixed at Rs 10,000 to Rs 15,000 depending on whether the patient required ICU and ventilator facility.

Another video by a news anchor and television actor S Varadharajen went viral, where he claimed that a friend of his, who had severe breathing problems and fever, was unable to secure a bed for himself at either a government or a private hospital. Health Minister Vijay Bhasker immediately got into a damage control mode and announced his team was making all efforts to ensure that facilities are adequate. "There are 75,000 beds in Tamil Nadu and 5,000 in Chennai alone," he announced a day after the video went viral. Provisions of IPC, the Epidemic Diseases Act and the Disaster Management Act were invoked against Varadharajen for the offence of ‘falsifying information to create panic.’

Two weeks since and all the damage control later, the feeling of panic in Chennai is far from gone. A flurry of transfers, including that of the health secretary hasn’t helped matters. '‘Mismanagement' is the word on the street and the rumour mills have become difficult to track. It's mostly hearsay as very few "go on record" to say anything. The fear among doctors and bureaucrats keeps them from speaking out aloud. But statements by those leading the state are hard to miss. For instance, chief minister E Palaniswami’s transition from "our positive cases will be zero in a few days" to "God alone knows when this will end."

"Strong leadership and a clear line of command is crucial to managing any public health emergency. When people are clueless as to who to turn to for a decision, you know there is a problem," said Dr Aiswarya Rao, public health consultant and former joint director of Tamil Nadu State Aids Control Society (TANSACS).

In April, there were multiple teams comprising bureaucrats who were put in charge of managing the situation. Then came the appointment of another committee. There was also the health secretary who was issuing directions on one side, while the ministers did their own thing. This is pretty much how April and May went by for Chennai. Even after the appointment of Dr J Radhakrishnan, who has managed to control multiple crises in Tamil Nadu, this crisis seemed all over the place. His reinstatement as health secretary seems to have given many within the department hope.

What about frontline workers in Chennai?

The basic fear, reiterated both private and government healthcare workers, doctors, nurses and technicians, is the fear of exposure. April witnessed many protests by government doctors and nurses in Chennai, demanding basic preventive protective equipment and post-duty quarantine facilities, after a bunch of them tested positive at RGGGH.

In a few weeks, healthcare workers at Government Stanley Medical Hospital tested positive. While government doctors have to work irrespective of fear of exposure, the same isn’t the case with private practitioners. Many private establishments have sought help from the government stating that they are not able to take on the costs required to operate a COVID-19 facility. Sanitary workers organised a strike this week after one of them died following exposure to COVID-19 positive patients.

While the government has been saying that it is meeting these demands, how the government hopes to sustain meeting these demands remain unknown. So does the expenditure over COVID-19 so far.

During his interaction with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, Palaniswami sought a grant of Rs 9,000 crore and a sanction of Rs 3,000 crore for medical equipment during a pandemic. An official statement by the chief minister also said that 2.75 crore triple-layer face masks, 38.85 lakh N-95 masks, 21 lakh PPE kits and 15.45 lakh RT-PCR testing kits have been ordered by the Tamil Nadu government. There is no official figure on how much the government has spent on personal protective equipment.

The biggest challenge for the government continues to be how it will bring about some level of accountability from private hospitals in the middle of this pandemic, which doesn’t seem like will abate any time soon.

Many non-COVID patients have spoken out about how cumbersome it has become to get private hospitals to cater to them, even under serious circumstances like deliveries. The norm at every private hospital since April has been that almost all procedures only after a COVID 19 clearance. Two months since the lockdown, yet private hospitals have not figured their way out, and that's worrisome.

Many seem to be treading the safer path by staying away. But senior doctors say that media trying to put the entire blame on private hospitals is unfair. "The costs are high, the usual patient load less. We are doing what we can to keep the hospitals running with the bare minimum," said a private practitioner, "When will the government step in and help out?"

Real situation at private hospitals listed as COVID-19 designated centres

Firstpost looked at the Tamil Nadu live dashboard and spoke to all the 45 hospitals (four from Chengalpattu and Kanchipuram districts) listed under Chennai district.

Of these 45, many of the hospitals are already operating at full capacity. Doctors at some of these hospitals said "that isn’t the case but don’t want to say anything further." In the case of some hospitals, authorities said there were no beds available anymore. Even though in some cases the live dashboard says the opposite. Some of them tailor their answers after asking a routine set of questions, which are common to all:

How old is the patient? Are they obese? Do they have any existing conditions or co-morbidities? Do they’ve breathlessness?

A positive answer to the fourth question brings forth this answer: “We are out of ventilators” or “Where are you at the moment? Okay, then go to the closest government facility, that would be the safest for you.”

Here is a brief of what Firstpost found

The Live Dashboard says these hospitals are running at full capacity: Apollo Hospital, Be Well Hospital, Bharathiraja Hospital, CSI Kalyani General Hospital, Dr Kamakshi Memorial Hospital, Dr Mehta’s Hospital, Fortis Malar Hospital, Kauvery Hospital, Lifeline Hospitals, Maya Nursing Home, Venkateshwara Hospital, Noble Hospital, Panimalar Hospital, Prashanth Hospital, MIOT Hospital, Medway Hospital.

For other hospitals, the dashboard, as on 22 June (some updated on 21 June) say has 1,865 beds, 89 ICU beds and 71 ventilators. Here are the responses of the hospitals, when contacted regarding beds:

Apollo Hospitals: No beds

Sri Ramachandra Medical College Hospital, Porur: Dashboard says 184 beds are available, hospital authorities said there are no beds.

Bharath Medical College: Dashboard shows as having 60 + 2 ICU beds. Authorities said that they aren’t admitting any patients as they don’t have the staff or the resources to handle the situation.

Be Well Kilpauk: Asked if the patient has insurance. Then said beds are available, will quote fees only after consultation with the doctor.

Chettinad Hospital: Dashboard says 161 empty beds at the hospital whereas the hospital authorities say that there are no beds available.

Kanchi Kamakoti Child Trust Hospital: Facility available for children.

Aysha Hospital: Will assess the patients and admit according to need. If oxygen is stable, patients can home quarantine and recover.

Gleneagles Global Health City: Authorities said patient can come for a check up, cannot confirm if there is a bed.

Mint Hospital: Said beds available at the cost of Rs 35,000 per day.

Vijaya Hospital: No beds, if there is a discharge and a slot opens, can contact. Cost Rs 30,000 to 40,000 a day. With ventilator will cost Rs 70,000 a day.

Tagore Medical College: Beds are available, costs are Rs 12000/day for asymptomatic patients, Rs 14000 with oxygen support, Rs 21000 if ventilator is used.

Sundaram Medical College: Full, there are patients waiting in the ER.

St Thomas Hospital: There are beds but they will decide after it's communicated how serious the patient is.

SRM Medical College: Dashboard says 103 beds + 3 ICU beds is incorrect, they are running at full capacity.

Sathya Sai Medical College: Not a super speciality, can only admit mild cases as they don’t have resources to take care of severe cases. Will cost Rs 15,000 to 20,000 a day.

Balaji Hospital: Can only admit mild cases as ICU beds are full.

SIMS hospital: Full, can’t admit.

National Hospital: Overflowing, government hasn’t updated dashboard.

Muthu Hospital: Beds are available, cost will be communicated after assessing the patient.

Meenakshi Medical College: Not admitting private patients at the moment, only admitting patients from government hospitals.

Karpaga Vinayaga Medical Science & Research Facility: Beds available; Rs 5,000/ day is the base amount, exclusive of oxygen support or investigation/scan charges.

Melmaruvathur Aadhiparasakthi Medical College: Is a Trust Hospital, all charges will come up to Rs 10,000/day

GLB Hospital: Beds available, will cost Rs 35,000/day

Appasamy Hospital: 1 bed available, will cost Rs 23,000/day.

***

J Radhakrishnan IAS, the newly reinstated health secretary says that the health department is pushing its limits to ensure that facilities are coping with the increase in numbers. “We are increasing beds in government hospitals for people who depend on us. Many non-COVID beds are lying vacant, as most aren’t coming for routine procedures, so we are constantly in the process of switching that dormant lot to our COVID bed strength. We’ve added 25 percent of those beds into COVID care,” he told Firstpost.

The health department is also trying to create a call centre for access to private facilities, in addition to 104 services, so that they can cross monitor, Radhakrishnan explains.

“We held an open meeting with private hospitals, and the estimate of beds with them is 5000. We are attempting to provide dynamic data of these beds, in order to facilitate a smoother process for COVID patients”, he adds. When I inform him that many of the hospitals aren’t admitting patients even if they have beds, he says, “Close to 170 hospitals are registered with us for treating patients. If they are not admitting COVID patients or even non-COVID cases, we will take action against them under the Clinical Establishments (Registration and Regulation) Act of 2010.”

*Names withheld to protect the identities of COVID-19 patients

via Blogger https://ift.tt/3dlGnMp

[elohveywrite]

Chapter 1 and 2 of Untitled Story

Chapter One (Teddy)

I stood in front of this council of the Seattle Sanctum, aloof. I couldn’t believe what they were suggesting to me. 

“You want me to find a protégé for the Aurora Sanctum? Me? Why not Beeza or Chidi?” I asked, truly confused. Beeza was the leader of the Sanctum in Seattle and Chidi was the second in command. I was only a member and had been a part of the Seattle Sanctum for two years. 

“You’ve proven to be an excellent asset to the team Theodore. So, we believe you can find a suitable candidate for the Sanctum.” Elizabeth the angel of the assorted council of five spoke first. I knew she was a beauty filled with grace and great assets, but she could be a bit too much sometimes. It was like she was trying to act human, but failing badly, while also being too proud at the same time.

“So, what are the qualifications for this recruit of ours?” I asked the council.

Calak was the first to speak up, he was a mage who survived hundreds of years of wars and plague thanks to his skill and intelligence with magic. “They need to be worthy, strong, and intelligent.”

Rolling my eyes, while running one hand against the stubble on my chin, I questioned, “That’s a little vague don’t you think Calak?” Calak looked down at me, his white hair blowing softly in a wind that wasn’t blowing through the room. It was more of a magical effect he had going on.

“You will know when you find them,” Mau interrupted. She was a demi-god that lived among the humans for thousands of years. “I will gift you this necklace and you must wear it at all times. It will glow a bright white once the worthy person is near you,” Mau finished reaching into her dress pocket to fetch the necklace she spoke of. Once she held it out, I reached for it and saw that it was on a golden chain. The rock or crystal rather was a round oval and clear like glass. Once I touched it in my grasp, the crystal felt perfectly smooth. As I put it on, I saw the crystal begin to glow from within. It wasn’t very bright, but it was enough to lighten my face, chest, and hands in the dim council room.

Ori spoke next, “I’m curious who the council will deem worthy.” As I looked over to him, I saw that Orion the young vampire truly did look inquisitive—even when nearly everything bored him to death usually.

“Whoever it is, has a lot of work ahead of them,” Nimue—the final council member and a witch--said to the group. I nodded my head and looked down at the crystal as it returned to its normal opaqueness.

“You have 72 hours to find them, Theodore,” Elizabeth ordered. “If you cannot find them by then, we will have to seek out more costly measures.” I sighed and brushed a hand through the top of my hair, smoothing it back.

I then left the council room, closing the door swiftly behind me. Making my way out of the building the Sanctum had repurposed for their use in Seattle, which was right smack in the middle of the waterfront near Pike’s Place Market, I headed south. This Sanctum was magically hidden, glamoured from the public eye. Only Sanctum members could see its location, glowing softly in purple light. Once I passed through the ‘portal’ barrier the loud cacophony of the tourist, shoppers and homeless population greeted my ears. I figured going to public places first in Seattle would narrow down my list of suspects so I started right close to home and walked over to the crowded market.

        *****

Chapter Two (Jules)

I stepped back into my SUV, a different one than last nights of course. I got rid of the one I used last night. It was burnt out in the middle of the forest, about two hours’ drive south of Seattle. It was lovely seeing things finally come to a close. And now, I was one hundred thousand dollars richer. Grinning, I placed the cash-filled bag on the floor of the passenger’s seat next to me. Now all I had to do was go visit my ‘banker’. 

Officially, Albert bought one of my paintings that he deemed worthy of one hundred thousand dollars. And by worthy, I mean he looked at three different options and said, “Whichever one you don’t want.”

I cared a bit more than he did, so I decided to give him the watercolor painting I did with a woman with lilac hair, dancing in a field of flowers and grass, with the mountains in the background. I named it “Elise” in my mind. But on paper, it was named, ‘Welcoming Spring’. Locking the doors, I sat back in my seat and drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, before turning the car on and heading out of Albert’s driveway. It would be the last time I ever saw him.

An hour later, my money deposited, and papers submitted, I headed to my part-time job which was teaching art to children at an after-school club. 

I know, weird. A hitman teaching art to underprivileged children. What a riot. But sometimes I enjoyed it. They inspired me. Which was something I never thought a child could do.

Opening the door to the center, I waved at Ana the office clerk who smiled at me and waved back. “Glad to see you again Jules.” 

Nodding at her, I replied, “Same.” And then went to the room where my class was held so I could set up the lesson. Today I was going to have the kids do watercolors of animals and let them choose their backgrounds. Nearly done with getting everything ready, a few of the kids started to arrive.

“What’s up, Miss J!” I looked up and grinned at Julian who had a similar name as myself. 

“Not much Julian, is your mom doing better?” If I remembered correctly, she was in the hospital after she had a heart attack last week.

“Yup all better, she’s going to be released next week,” Julian said, his voice booming with happiness. I nodded and grinned as I got the paints set up for each group's table. 

“That’s great Julian.” I know I said it, and it probably sounded like I was happy, but really, I felt mostly nothing. I was happy that I didn’t have to pretend to be sad about her getting worse though. Pretending to be sad was always awkward. 

“Miss J, Alexis is going to be absent today, she broke her arm skateboarding yesterday afternoon,” Mike said as he rushed into to class with two other friends with him. I just nodded my head.

“That’s too bad, we’ll miss him,” I said, trying to put some sincere sympathy in my voice. Though even I admit it came across as bland. “Alright, who is ready to paint some animal silhouettes!” I announced aloud.

My lesson was to have the kids first take a quiz to see which animal they were most like out of the five I picked, and asked them the questions aloud I demonstrated how to sketch each animal’s silhouette. The two hours flew by quickly. The kids had me also join in and take the quiz. I assumed I would get the wolf, but I got the bunny instead which was odd—but they seemed happy about it so I pretended to be as well.

Half an hour later, I arrived back home at my sanctum. Finally, I was alone. It was nice to shed the ‘face’ I put on for others and just be my natural self. Since I lived alone, I was able to leave things as messy as I wanted or as clean as I wanted… and this week, I was going to clean. Everything was nicely labeled and organized, like a cutout of a magazine photoshoot. I placed my keys in their usual spot and went to the kitchen, filling my kettle with water to make tea.

I did feel things. People assumed--when I was younger that as a teenager diagnosed with at first conduct disorder and then later antisocial personality disorder or psychopathy--that I didn’t feel things. I did. I guess I just felt them on a different scale. Rage and anger were easy to come by. But now I took medications to help me, and they were doing great. I was less anxious, less impulsive. I even managed to go to college and graduate. I tried to become an art teacher, but failed, miserably. I couldn’t stand working eight hours a day, pretending to care about everything related to the job.

It was easier to do it in short bursts. 

So, I became an artist who did part-time work at clubs as a bartender, art projects at elderly homes, and after school art clubs. I painted in my free time as well. 

It wasn’t until four years ago that I went into the hitman business though. It all started after meeting an old friend. He used to be my dad’s friend in the military. My dad passed away after an accident my family had when I was a 14. That accident is kind of what caused my state of mind. I use to be a caring individual, I felt too much in fact. But after getting injured, being hospitalized for four months, and having my dad and brother die in the car accident—afterward, I changed. 

It was just me and my mom. My lovely mother. Well… she wasn’t all that lovely. She was a beauty--don’t get me wrong--but she was evil to the core. I don’t think she was exactly like me, but maybe a different version of me. She was abusive. I dreamed of the day I could crush her face in with my bare hands. Expelling all that hate right back at her in one brutal moment. And then I’d laugh and laugh.

Sadly, it wasn’t me that killed her. It was some stranger, a drug addict that attacked her with a knife. I was seventeen when it happened, and my dad’s friend took me in with his family afterward even though I was old enough to be on my own. I thought he was a nice guy until he showed me his true colors—catching him in the middle of a horrendous act. In the middle of disposing of a body in the garage, cutting it up into smaller pieces so he could dissolve them in a lye bath.

I didn’t tell anyone. Nor did I blackmail him. It simply wasn’t my business.

When I was 27, only four years ago, I met him again. And that’s when he said he could teach me. A way to earn money. If I was brave enough to do it. And I needed the money to pay off my mother’s debt to her creditors. 

Among all the damn flaws she had, gambling and doing drugs were the top of the list. I knew she wasted tens of thousands—it’s what my dad often had to cough up to the goons that came around threatening us. 

But really, she landed us in the millions of dollars of debt. Why the fuck would someone let her do that shit is beyond me. I thought he was an idiot. And I still ‘owed’ that idiot another million dollars out of the total three million my mom wasted. 

Vincent had me working for him as soon as I was 18, as a bartender. I also had a stint for about a year, luring rich assholes with my body, drugging them and robbing them. But as I got older, the less likely the men wanted to choose me. So, I bartended, then I used my art degree to help sell counterfeit art and ‘wash’ money at the gallery he owned. But I was getting tired of working for him four years ago and leaped at the chance of making larger amounts of money—even if it meant I had to kill people.

Pouring my tea, I thought back to the first person I killed. I nearly died myself trying to kill them. I planned everything out so well, at least I thought I did. I shook my head, angry at the messiness of that day and poured sugar into my cup. 

I still did bartend for him once a week—he wanted me to show my face each week to make sure I wasn’t going to vanish on him. So, I did it. Today was Thursday though, so I had the evening to myself. I headed to the art area of my studio apartment which was my loft above the kitchen, and I began to paint the real Elise. 

I painted her as though she were alive right now, smiling, happy. Glowing with her beauty. 

Pitiful.

[megamanx1994]

Captain Falcon: The Last Mimeosome Chapter 3

Chapter 3: To Republic City! (Diaslaimer! I own nothing of Nintendo, Xenoblade X, or Korra) The sun started to go down as Cross and I finished my errands. “Still no luck finding anybody who knows anything about me,” said Cross. “That’s ok, maybe it’ll come back on its own,” I said, “Remember anything yet?” “No,” said Cross. I had a feeling that something was wrong. “Cross get down!” I said. I pushed him down and a gunshot was fired. We both got up. “Are you alright?” I asked. “Yeah I’m fine,” said Cross. I saw somebody in the shadows. He jumped away but I managed to get a snapshot of him. Cross’ arm was missing. “Oh my god,” I said, “Ok, I can get you to Luna and…..” I turned back around and saw Cross’ arm regenerate. “What the…..” I said surprised. Even Cross was surprised at this. “Let’s head back to Blade HQ,” I said. We made it to the barracks where Colleen and Elma were resting. “”Whoa, what’s the rush?” asked Colleen. “Where’s the secretary?” I asked. Cross was being diagnosed. “Intriging,” said Alexa. “What is it?” I asked. “Well, it turns out that Cross isn’t actually a human,” said Luna, “He happens to be a mimeosome.” “Mimeosome?” I asked. “They’re programmed to mimic human emotion as closely as possible,” said Alexa. “He can also take battle chips and such,” said Luna, “Secretary Nagi provided us with this one.” She pressed Cross’ access point and I saw a blue chip. “Its programmed with dozens of B.L.A.D.E procedures.” “Now I know all about B.L.A.D.E and what it stands for.” We were in the Blade Office explaining everything to Secretary Nagi. “According to this picture, it looks like he’s working for C.H.A.O.S,” I said. “Its much more than that,” he said. “What do you mean?” asked Colleen. “He means it’s the work of a double agent,” said Commander Vandham. “You mean you’ve got a spy?” I asked. “Yes,” said Nagi, “He goes under the codename, ‘Yellow Devil’.” I thought for a moment. “Something wrong?” asked Cross. “That name… it sounds really familiar,” I said. Colleen was pin pointing the location. “Thanks to the picture, we can see exactly where he’s hiding,” said Colleen, “I got it!” It was Republic City. “Then it looks like that’s where we’re heading,” I said. “Um…” said Cross. “Something up?” asked Elma. “If you’ll allow it Ms. Elma, I’d like to accompany your squad,” said Cross. “Hold on there,” said Vandham, “I understand you’re eager, but you don’t have any armor.” “Well he does know a little about combat,” I said, “While doing some errands we visited the training grounds, but as for the armor, just leave that to me and Alexa.” Nagi nodded. “I think he should go,” said Nagi. “You won’t regret this sir,” said Cross. “He’ll start on your team Elma,” said Vandham. “Will do commander,” said Elma. “I’ll try not to get in the way Ms. Elma,” said Cross. Elma chuckled. “There’s no need to be formal with me Cross, I may be your leader but I’m also your friend,” she said, “Besides its weird to hear you call me that.” “Right,” said Cross. We were heading to a chopper. “Doug,” said Colleen greeting someone. Doug Barret, the colonel of Harriers greeted her. “Its been a long time since you’ve been around,” he said. He looked at me. “My name is Nicholas Shay, and this is Cross,” I said. “Yeah, and?” he asked. “Well, it looks like Nagi has given us permission to accompany you on the mission.” He scoffed and turned around. “The Yellow Devil is mine alone,” said Doug. “Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. “I don’t need help from any S.M.A.S.H soldiers to take him out,” he said getting in the chopper. “Hey Flat top!” I said getting angry, “This is NOT a request!” He turned around. “You want him taken down right?” he asked, “So what’s the problem?” “Nicholas don’t let him get to you,” said Colleen, “He’s been through more than you know.” We both went inside. “So what’s this idea you have?” asked Alexa. I handed her a piece of paper. “That’s ingenious,” said Alexa, “This just might work.” “What are you guys talking about?” asked Cross. “You’ll see later on,” I said. The secret agent was speaking with someone in the shadows. “Agent Zero,” he said, “I trust you sent the invitation?” “Yes,” said Agent Zero, “They’re heading to Republic City now.” “Good,” said the shadow man, “While they’re busy there, I can finally find that secret battleship, and demolish B.L.A.D.E.” “I shall deal with the soldier,” said Agent Zero. “Good,” said the shadow man, “When the time comes, I will reveal myself to the ones that got away…..”

We landed in City Hall. The mayor greeted us all. “I’ve been expecting you all,” he said, “I hope you enjoy your stay here.” “Thanks Mayor,” I said. Someone saw me. It was Korra. She gave me a grin. “You changed your hair,” I said. “Same robitic arm,” said Korra. “No, new robotic arm,” I said, “I can tell its been a while.” “2 years,” said Korra. “Ok, let’s skip the greeting and get to work,” said Doug. “What’s his deal?” I asked. “You remember Connor don’t you?” asked Colleen. “Of course,” I said, “He was like a brother to me.” I started to remember all the good memories I had hanging around him and Colleen. “When Doug and he went on a mission to fight off those C.H.A.O.S soldiers, he was killed by ‘him’,” said Colleen. “The Yellow Devil,” said Elma, “He killed his best friend Bexley Wilson, and Colleen’s cousin, Connor Kelly.” “I had no idea,” I said, “But that still doesn’t give him an excuse to act like this.” “I said move your feet, not your mouths,” said Doug. We were at a hotel. “This looks like a cool place to kick it,” said Link as he sat on a bench. “So why are we here?” asked Cross. “To get more intel on the Yellow Devil and that double agent,” said Elma, “The more we know, the better shot we have at fighting him. “That makes good sense,” said Cross. I looked outside and saw somebody’s car stuck in a yellow goop. I went outside to see if somebody was stuck inside. “Good thing nobody’s in there,” I said. I summoned my blade and cut the substance off the car. Somebody saw me and thanked me. “Who did this?” I asked. “The Yellow Devil,” said the pedestrian, “He’s been plaguing Republic City ever since his arrival, him and his servant.” I looked around to see that others have suffered what he did. “Someone’s gotta help them,” I said. “No, no, no,” said Doug, “We can’t waste our time here.” He started to go back inside. “We have a mission that requires our absolute focus,” he said, “These people are on their own!” I finally got fed up with his attitude. “These people have been attacked by an unknown suspect but you turn your back on them?!” Irina asked stopping him, “How can you be so cold and heartless?” “I’m not turning my back Irina,” said Doug, “I’m just being real.” “Real about what?” I asked. “I’m saying we can’t go around saving every city we come across,” said Doug, “Besides we’ll be doing this city a big favor by taking down the Yellow Devil.” Link covered his mouth. “You shouldn’t blabber about this especially if that double agent could be anywhere,” he said. Doug turned to me. “You know the mission comes first Nicholas,” said Doug. He went back inside. I went to the chopper. “If this is the only way I can convince him, then so be it,” I said. I sabotaged the chopper’s tech. Boze saw me. “Uh…. I can explain,” I said. “You’ve got determination, and the heart of a great warrior Nicholas,” said Boze, “You just need a little push.” He damaged another part. I smiled. I then called Alexa on my cell. “Alexa, get Cross and meet me at Future Industries labs tonight.” “Got it,” she said. Later that evening, we were at the lab center at Future Industries. “Glad you two could make it,” I said. “So what’s this about?” asked Cross. “So you remember when we had you analyzed and it turns out you were a mimeosome?” I asked. “Yeah?” asked Cross. “Well check this out,” I said. I showed him the testing room. “Amazing right?” asked Asami, “Nicholas had this idea to turn you into the best soldier in the field.” “So are we making weapons and such?” asked Alexa. “You bet,” I said, “But unfortunately its not skell weaponry.” “Aww,” said Alexa. “Basically if you’re gonna take on the Yellow Devil, you’ll need some upgrades,” I said. I grabbed a scanner. “Arms up,” I said as I scanned him. “So doing what you’re planning is gonna make me a good soldier?” asked Cross, “You bet,” I said. I looked for a martial arts video and dragged it to another screen. I then grabbed a chip. Whatever it Takes from Evolve Falling too fast to prepare for this Tripping in the world could be dangerous Everybody circling is vulturous Negative, nepotist Everybody waiting for the fall of man Everybody praying for the end of times Everybody hoping they could be the one I was born to run, I was born for this Whip, whip Run me like a racehorse Pull me like a ripcord Break me down and build me up I wanna be the slip, slip Word upon your lip, lip Letter that you rip, rip Break me down and build me up I then took Cross’ skeleton and placed the video next to it. All the footage from the video was being transferred into the chip. “Now let’s get you some armor,” I said. Whatever it takes Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins I do whatever it takes Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains Whatever it takes Yeah take me to the top I'm ready for Whatever it takes Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins I do what it takes I looked around for ideas for Cross’ costume. Just then it hit me. “Every devil needs an angel,” I said. I started putting armor parts together to make Cross’ costume. Always had a fear of being typical Looking at my body feeling miserable Always hanging on to the visual I wanna be invisible Looking at my years like a martyrdom Everybody needs to be a part of them Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son I was born to run, I was born for this Whip, whip Run me like a racehorse Pull me like a ripcord Break me down and build me up I wanna be the slip, slip Word upon your lip, lip Letter that you rip, rip Break me down and build me up Whatever it takes Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins I do whatever it takes Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains Whatever it takes Yeah take me to the top, I'm ready for Whatever it takes Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins I do what it takes I started spraying an angel on the chest plate. Asami and I worked together to place each part on Cross. “I have one concern,” said Cross, “It seems like this armor is starting to cover my body.” “That’s kinda the idea man,” I said, “How does it feel?” “It feels…. Cool,” said Cross. “Every soldier needs a good weapon,” I said, “Which is why I modified your longsword to match the color scheme of your armor.” I gave it to him. “Data transfrer complete,” said the computer. I took out the chip and pressed a switch. There were more installment spaces and I decided to place it next to Cross’ blue chip. Hypocritical, egotistical Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical Working hard on something that I'm proud of, out of the box An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost I'm an apostrophe I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see I'm just a product of the system of catastrophe And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased And when I am deceased At least I'll go down to the grave and die happily And leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee I do what it takes Cross started to analyze and know everything installed on the chip. “So how does knowing martial arts and blade arts help me become a better soldier?” asked Cross. “Well, you gotta know how to fight if you wanna help people right?” asked Alexa, “Chop this with your sword.” He chopped it with ease. “Whoa!” I said, “Awesome.” I was training him and showing him the moves. “Assault hammer!” I said, “Rising Blade! Furious blast! NUTTY BARS!” He got a pack of nutty bars from a snack machine. “Yes,” I said. Soon afterwards he was ready. Whatever it takes Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins I do whatever it takes Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains Whatever it takes Yeah take me to the top, I'm ready for Whatever it takes Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins I do what it takes

[terryquinnblog]

MAKING PEACE WITH OBSESSION 

I’ve found that vacationing anywhere – never mind at this idyllic country house in an all-but-unfindable pocket of the Tuscan hills, where Jane and I are spending two weeks – hurls me up against myself in a way both soothing and vexing. For one thing, I sleep long hours, nine to eleven a night, though not always well. Funky dreams peopled by composite characters from the present and my distant past. A less than conscious awareness of the still-settling beams and joists of this stolid brick, wood and quarry stone structure. Insects and night birds that sound nothing like ‘ours’. Trees whose leaves don’t rustle in a light wind quite the way they tend to at home, either. I half-waken, fall back to sleep ... half-waken, conk out again. In short, a luxurious sense of peace and lethargy, pockmarked by moments of Where on God’s earth am I? (And worse, Who am I?) This seldom happens to me back in Brooklyn, where I get an uneventful six to seven hours of rest each night. Only during a stretch in some faraway land, when the humming of my machinery slows to a welcome halt.

The facade of our digs, Casa Carina

 Our living room

The loft bedroom

The daytime hours, filled as they are with the glories of nature and delectable food Jane and I have photographed for this post, invite me now and then to withdraw from the lush sensations all around me. To turn inward and, as a sharp-tongued theater producer I once worked with used to put it, “deal with the issues.” I don’t know what you confront, good friends, when you find yourselves driven down to such a level of undefended honesty. In my case it’s the crystalline realization that, for better or for worse, and for more than seven decades now, I’ve led a life marked chiefly by obsessions. Or, viewed in different lights, whole-hog passions, near addictions. Many of them have overlapped for years at a time. Few have ever seemed to me to operate in conflict. And every last compulsion, even if it’s gotten me into trouble with parents, bosses, whomever, has afforded more than enough pleasure to make it seem worthwhile.

 Jane in our kitchen, day one

Moderation in all things? Clearly the way to go. Yet the ancients’ golden mean has never lured me. Before presenting a roughly chronological account of my serial manias, let me set down here three random measures of what a close friend calls my irremediably obsessional state.

Looking out on the patio ...

 ... where had all our meals

I began preparing fairly elaborate dinners for Jane one November evening in 1969 and, by our conservative estimate, have cooked 16,280 since. (Miss one night in the kitchen and I’m antsy all the next day.) If I come upon a crossword puzzle, a chess problem, a frigging Jumble in the papers, I need to avert my eyes or I’ll be lost there till the damn thing’s solved. Most choral singers rehearse one night a week, with a single group, then perform a few months later at its concerts. I rehearse with five choruses throughout New York City, sing every day of the week except Saturday, and have all I can do, scheduling-wise, to make sure two dress rehearsals or public performances don’t take place on the same evening. And that’s not counting solo recitals, the occasional salon or, my favorite thing in life, cabaret gigs. All right. Now on to a more disciplined confession.

Those of you who’ve had the grace and stamina to stick with me as readers over the past two and a half years must have figured out by now that what I’m fashioning, with this blog, is a Book of Days meant to serve as the raw foundation for an eventual memoir. The underdrawing for a painting to come. I realize this might appear, or perhaps simply is, a narcissistic endeavor, but I’ll live with that. And so, there’s my justification for regaling you now with a catalog of personal obsessions I’m ready to admit to ...

Our pool, where we each swam a mile a day

Especially Jane

 At the age of seven I was so fanatical about playing schoolyard soccer that I would put off, for hours, running home to urinate, even when by bladder ached. A year later a surgeon at Long Island Jewish removed my right kidney after diagnosing it as defective from birth. I’d played, off and on, through two years of excruciating pain ...

 La Pietra, next door, the only other house in sight

I left a happy home in Queens at the age of 16, so obsessed with religion that I joined a teaching order, the Christian Brothers, where I prayed and studied for three fervent years – until I discovered college girls and deftly shifted to an obsession with sex. Actually, the whole idea of higher education so infatuated me that I wasn’t sated till I’d earned three graduate degrees. Romance languages and literature, linguistics, social policy analysis – couldn’t get enough of the stuff ...

The stairway down to the pool

A bee at work in the flower garden the two houses shared

Our mountaintop view of Umbria’s Niccone Valley

 For years I was certifiably nuts for tennis and golf, and in my early 30's so ensnared in the subculture of tournament bridge – all this in tandem with jobs as a legislative aide to two Congressmen in DC, followed by a year-long White House appointment – that I had to write a spy novel (The Great Bridge Conspiracy, St. Martin’s Press) as a desperate act of self-exorcism. And in the style of any authentic obsessive who opts for reform, I’ve never played a dang hand since ...

 Omelette with tomatoes, goat cheese and herbs from the garden

Incredibly fresh fruit from the markets in Umbertide and Mercatale

At one point while I was supposed to be researching and writing a biography (Second Daughter, Growing Up in China, 1930-1949, Little Brown), I became so enamored with the world of music theater that I devoted a full year to drafting the book, lyrics and score for an Off-Broadway show. This is one instance when two obsessions definitely were in conflict, and when my editor nearly throttled me ...

Setting up to prepare dinner

Diced asparagus and sun-dried tomatoes

Grilled zucchini, eggplant, chopped peppers and basil leaves

In the early 80's I was sufficiently abandoned to the practice of watching Redskins games, Beck’s in hand and supine on our couch, that when Jane rushed into the living room one Sunday afternoon saying she’d found the perfect Capitol Hill house for us to buy, I told her this was the two-minute warning and we’d have to wait till the start of halftime – then make it back to our apartment for the second-half whistle. All of which worked out. I was there as Theismann and Riggins did in the Cowboys, and Jane and I lived blissfully in that three-story Victorian for next eight years ...

The meal served al fresco

Afterwards: Gorgonzola, aged Asiago and Pecorino Romano

 Even after I got over the NFL, I so obsessed on TV comedy series (Honeymooners re-runs till 3:00 in the morning and the like) that I pleaded with Jane to go cold turkey with me, which she did. We junked that set in 1989 and haven’t ever bought another. That same month, in a rare fit of double obsession, we swore off red meat and went 26 years before tucking into a pair of Ted Turner steaks at a resort outside Bozeman, Montana ...

Kneading pasta dough for fettucine in the kitchen of the big house

For me, anyway, it was the same story with chocolate. Same story with Sprite bacon, Stolichnaya. Loved them all to bits and consumed them like a crazy person, up to the moment it became clear that only total renunciation could redeem me ...

Our setup, featuring regular and semolina flour

Many of these episodes turned out to be little more than dalliances. On the other hand, I experienced full-body immersions in social work then policy research and writing for a combined 23 years, followed by two ecstatic decades of college teaching. These were deeply impassioned commitments I was able to leave only when the handwriting of age and advancing irrelevance (yikes!) showed all too legibly on the wall ...

Cut ...

 ... and dried

Still, certain longtime pursuits don’t rely on youthful energy – and thank God, new ones can surface. I’ve written fiction, drama, music and poetry for 41 years now, and have lately added drawing and painting to my chain of wild enthusiasms. To say nothing of this blog. Or of the singing. Or above all, of Jane – my muse, my first editor, my one deliriously endless obsession.

A creamy frittata for our second-to-last breakfast

For dinner, pounded cutlets of veal, soon to be pan-roasted

 Could be I’m out of control. Could be I’m ripe for a stint at some version of the Betty Ford Center. In any event, this sojourn in Tuscany seems to be working wonders. I can hardly stay awake.

Ciao, tutti. Till soon ...

#Tuscany #Food #NaturePhotos #Terry&JaneQuinn