#when it happens i call in a new rx and find a better hiding place for the stealable stuff and move on with my life

[some-stars]

i have absolutely NO patience for anyone being shitty or judgmental or othering about addicts, not just because of my ethical principles and baseline compassion for other human beings, but because i have personal experience with how inseparable substance abuse is from mental illness and other kinds of inescapable suffering. i got high on cannabis and benzos all day long, 6 days a week for two years because i had severe treatment-resistant depression (aka i had tried EVERY legal treatment available without improvement). when i found a medication that made it go away almost entirely, i dropped down to maybe 3 times a month purely for fun and after my day's responsibilities are done, within days of starting to feel better. and now i feel like shit again and i've been getting high several times a week as literal self-medication. because, you know, i'm in horrible pain and it would be cruel and inhuman for someone to tell me i had to ignore the one tool i had access to that would reduce my suffering, just so i wouldn't be an ~addict~, which is of course the worse most disgusting worthless thing a person can be.

i know that there are many addictions that are more physically damaging and that people continue to crave physiologically even when they start recovering from the mental or physical pain that drove them to drugs in the first place. i am very, very fortunate that due to my life circumstances i have no access to meth or heroin or more dangerous stuff like that. but it is sure as hell a lot less difficult to resist even those cravings when the pain that they were used to alleviate is drastically reduced!!!

anyway this is all just me restating the rat town study that proved almost all drug addiction is caused by capitalism and/or trauma, and weakening capitalism and building rewarding caring societies eliminates substance abuse almost entirely. why the fuck would you scream at and shame people experiencing unspeakably terrible pain rather than the forces and people who caused/failed to treat that pain?

[toyboy-molloy]

reddie + accidental fake dating | part two |

Usually, Eddie hated sleeping in. He liked to get in a morning run before heading off to work. But something about being in L.A with his best friend, rather than New York with his ex-wife, and the fact he was currently on leave from work thanks to a killer clown claw, he figured he was owed an extra hour or two. He stretched and yawned, opening his eyes to find a post-it note stuck to his forehead. Rolling his eyes, Eddie removed the message from his head, reading it fondly.

hey, bud. gone to get breakfast. relax, take it easy. I’ll be back soon. rx

He smiled affectionately and carefully climbed out of bed, wincing from the effort. He and Richie had been living together ever since they’d Derry, once Eddie had resolved to divorce his wife and get on with his life. Richie had suggested they live together through his recovery and Eddie had been so relieved that he wasn’t going to be on his own, he agreed. Things were great. Richie was a better roommate than he’d expected. He helped Eddie with his physical therapy, make sure he took his (genuine) medication and generally took care of him. Eddie felt like he was getting his life back and it was all thanks to the best friend he was hopelessly in love with. But that was a whole other problem he wasn’t ready to deal with.

Eddie was showered and fully dressed when his phone rang. He smiled already, thinking of Richie. He was more than a little surprised to see it was Maggie Tozier calling. They’d only met once since they’d returned from Derry and Eddie hadn’t really been in a fit state for visitors back then. Still, he answered.

“Hi, Mrs. Tozier.”

Of course, Maggie laughed softly, “Eddie, dear, we’re practically family. Call me Maggie.”

“Sorry. Old habits,” he eased himself into Richie’s comfortable La-Z-Boy - which was more his at the moment since it was the only thing he could handle right now. He tried not to sound pained as he asked, “how’s Went?”

“Oh, his hip’s playing up, poor thing,” Maggie said casually, “he’s been working on that damn car again. He’s only got himself to blame. But enough about us, how are you? Is Richie looking after you?”

“I’m fine, Maggie, Richie’s been amazing,” he smiled, absent mindedly stroking his t-shirt, underneath which was his healing wound, “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Maggie scoffed and Eddie could almost hear her eyes rolling, “that man adores you, Eddie. I thought he was going to burst when he told us you were moving in together, he was so happy,” Eddie paused, a slight frown on his face but he didn't say anything. Maggie didn’t seem to notice as she giggled, “now that you’re together, I guess I can tell you Richie always had a thing for you when you were kids. I can;t tell you the number of times...”

Maggie’s voice grew faint as Eddie’s mind wandered, deep in thought. It was clear she assumed that he and Richie were dating and had been for a little while. And Richie hadn’t corrected her. He was vaguely aware that Maggie had finished talking; Eddie swallowed, his throat dry.

“Huh?”

“All I’m saying is I’m just glad you two finally sorted things out. You’re perfect for each other. Anyone can see that,“ Maggie sounded so happy that her beloved son had finally found happiness, it broke Eddie’s heart that he wasn’t Richie’s actual real-life boyfriend. He wanted to be the one to make him that happy. But he wasn’t and he wasn’t about to burst Maggie’s bubble, either, so he kept his mouth shut. That was until she said, “so is Saturday okay?”

“Uh...for what?”

Maggie chuckled, “well, we figured we’d come and visit you two. Save you the journey, dear. They’ll be plenty of family gatherings at our place when you’re strong enough.”

Overwhelmed with emotion, Eddie found himself speaking before thinking, “thanks, Mom.”

"Oh, Eddie, darling don’t make me cry, I’ve just done my make up,” Maggie, too, sounded emotional but she was better at hiding it than Eddie, “we’ll see you at the weekend. Take care. Give Richie my best, tell him I’ll call him later.”

“Will do. See you soon.”

He hung up, staring at his phone. He barely had time to take in the large amount of information he’d just received as Richie barged in through the door, carrying four shopping bags in one hand and two takeaway coffees in the other.

“Honey, I’m home,” he called playfully, winking when he caught sight of Eddie reclining in his chair. Eddie rolled his eyes and reached for the lever so he could stand. Richie waved him off, “you stay put, Eds. I’ll get breakfast ready.”

“Why, thank you, dear,” he emphasised the final word, expecting Richie to take the hint. Instead, the other man just bowed, blowing him a kiss as he began to unload bags of takeaway breakfast. Eddie shook his head fondly, “I spoke with Maggie just now.”

“Yeah? Lemme guess, Dad’s hip, something about that bitch Paula from the knitting circle and some supportive but misunderstood stuff about my new stand up?” Eddie chuckled as Richie put on his best Maggie Voice (which just sounded like The Old Lady), “’Richard, what’s a Netflix and where can I watch it?’“

Eddie took his coffee and portion of french toast and fresh fruit from Richie, suddenly realising how hungry he was, “actually, she mainly talked about us,” he watched carefully as Richie slowly finished dishing up his own, less healthy, breakfast. Eddie tucked into his own, avoiding looking directly at Richie, “she thinks we’re dating.”

“Yeah, kind of,” Richie didn’t quite know what to say. He didn’t want his mother meddling in his love life, especially with the best friend he was stupidly in love with. He stopped stuffing his face long enough to say, “she’s been on about it for ages. I didn’t think she’d still be on that shit.”

"You didn’t correct her,” Eddie pointed out nonchalantly, watching Richie curiously. He lifted his head, blinking repeatedly at Eddie.

"You didn’t correct her.”

They continued staring at each other for the longest time, neither one daring to break the tension. It was out there now. Neither had corrected Maggie’s misunderstanding and now she was visiting under the assumption they were a couple. Eddie finally broke the awkward silence.

“I don’t want to lie to her.”

Richie almost choked on his coffee, “what, you want to be boyfriends?”

Rather than laugh at him, like Richie had expected, Eddie just shrugged, chasing a stray blueberry on his plate, “why not? It’s just for the weekend. After that, we can tell Maggie we decided we were better as friends or something. What could possibly go wrong?”

“Okay, if you’re sure you can resist all this,” Richie gestured at himself, grinning lecherously. Eddie laughed, easing himself to stand so he could put his plate in the dishwasher. He returned to Richie and, leaning forward as much as he was capable, pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, whispering into his ear.

“I’ve had thirty years practice.”

It took a while for Richie’s brain to catch up with what had just happened. When he opened his eyes, Eddie had gone, probably off to his bedroom to get changed for swim. Richie shook his head, leaping up and following after his friend, “yo, Eds, what the fuck does that mean?”

[ratifythesilence]

will i find my home // THE BRIGHT SESSIONS // mark, sam, & damien

"We’re in love with the same man, I think that’s enough common ground without trying to call us friends.”

Will I Find My Home - Through Juniper Lane feat. Vian Izak (Sam, Mark, Damien)

are you worth getting lost over love/if i offer myself/will you lift me up/are you worth letting into my heart/if i go and get caught/will i fall too far/will I find my home/will I find my home/my home in you/home in you

Everlasting Light - The Black Keys (Mark & Sam)

let me be your everlasting light/your home when there is cold/in me you can confide/when no one's by your side/let me be your everlasting light/oh baby can't you see/it's shining just for you/loneliness is over/dog days are through/they're through

Yellow Light - Of Monsters and Men (Damien & Mark)

just follow my yellow light/and ignore all those big warning signs

I’m Not Calling You A Liar - Florence + The Machine (Mark/Damien)

there's a ghost in my mouth/and it talks in my sleep/wraps itself around my tongue/as it softly speaks/then it walks then it walks/then it walks with my legs/to fall at your feet

One Day - Opshop (Mark/Sam)

one day you'll understand how much you have me/one day you'll realise we have it easy/i can't offer you the future/i don't know it myself/all i can offer you is me

I’m Your Villain - Franz Ferdinand (Damien/Mark)

if i could laugh i'd love you/if i could smile at anything you said/we could be laughing lovers/i think you'd prefer to be miserable instead/if i could love i'd love you/if i could love like anybody else/i know what i am/i'm your villain

I Don’t Know What To Do - Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson (Mark/Damien)

but when you're with me darling i don't believe in anyone else/i'm so confused by you/i don't know what to do/i don't want you coming here

Mostly - Vian Izak feat. Through Juniper Vale (Mark, Sam, Damien)

i'm mostly scared/i am mostly unprepared I'm a mess/i've lost most of myself as the waves came crashing down I'm a wreck/i've bought up all my dreams and sold off most my heart/i'd been lying to myself just to bury all my thoughts

Don’t Judge Me - Janelle Monae (Sam/Mark)

don't judge me/i know I got issues/but they drown when I kiss you/don't judge me/baptize me with ocean/recognize my devotion/the water's perfectly good/let's re-introduce ourselves/from a free point of view/if i'm gon' sin, it's with you/tattoo your love on my heart/let the rumors be true

One More Time With Feeling - Regina Spektor (Mark)

hold on/one more time with feeling/try it again/breathing's just a rhythm/say it in your mind until you know that the words are right/this is why we fight/you thought by now you'd be/so much better than you are/you thought by now they'd see/that you had come so far

Dreaming Of You - The Coral (Damien & Mark)

when i'm down and my hands are tied/i cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line/from this pain i just can't disguise/it's gonna hurt but i'll have to say goodbye/up in my lonely room/when I'm dreaming of you /oh what can I do/i still need you but/i don't want you now

Love Don’t Leave - Avalanche City (Mark/Sam)

her heart was beating fast/and i hoped that we could stay/in our hiding place where it was warm/and cold could not invade/we laughed aloud and talked of things/that happened yesterday/but the storm could hear our voices clear/so it came on its way and she said/love don’t leave me now

RX Stop What You’re Doing - Marian Call (Sam)

stop what you're doing and laugh for a while/at all of your foolish ambition/deluded and fragile and brave like a child/who still thinks life comes with a mission/drop your sword and your flag/get your sponge and your rag/let the mirror remind you/let your fairy-tale dreams melt away

New Histories - Brooke Fraser (Sam)

i stare at the space you left/it stares back unimpressed/i said i was sorry/now when will you come home to me/and i wait/something’s gotta give oh can’t you see/someone’s gonna win eventually/we could write a new history/oh let’s write our new history

Okay I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don’t - Brand New (Damien)

you’re holding on to your grudge/oh it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love

Human - Brooke Fraser (Sam & Mark)

it is not a failure to be flawed/it's beautifully symptomatic/i am not afraid of being more/than what I've been/i want to see how the light falls/i want to feel it on my skin/so how do I begin

[secretgiftsforshaman]

I wrote 2826 entire words before I collapsed last night

I have been seriously struggling this academic quarter. And I seriously struggled last academic quarter. As I did in undergrad, and in high school, junior high, and elementary. But I do not have any learning disabilities. And you have some idea of how smart I am in general, but I’ll share one specific example about just how very academically intelligent I am. On the SAT, I scored 700 in reading, 730 in writing, and 780 in math and I did not study for it. I spent most of the test bored and waiting for the allotted time to run out because I finished nearly every section way early. Early enough that at one point I had enough time to leisurely leave and use the restroom and came back before everyone else had finished. The only reason I did not score a perfect 800 in math because I missed *exactly* one question. I can still remember and visualize exactly which one it was – and only I missed it because it was the second to last one of the last math section and my brain read the word ‘diameter’ and was tired enough that my brain went ‘oh cool, radius’ even though I could have easily solved that problem when I was 11 or 12 (if you haven’t already gone “wow, she’s got some serious perfectionism issues” then now would be a good time for you to do so).

All of this to say: it has never been a question of not being able to understand the content. Very, very rarely in my entire scholastic lifetime have I ever not understood what was being taught to me. It is – and always has been – a matter of not being able to sit down and do the work.

One of the rubs of being so smart (especially when also socially inept – I don’t think I’ve ever had a formal diagnosis, but I would be astonished to learn if I wasn’t somewhere on the autism spectrum) is that your sense of self-worth is all too easily conflated with your intelligence and academic performance, placing massive pressure on yourself to be good at school, ‘cause that’s one of the few things I was reliably good at. 

Most of my school-age bullies, particularly the loudest ones, were just as smart as I was: all enrolled in the same accelerated classes, but they didn’t struggle the way I did, and they definitely saw it, and made sure I knew they did. They could all do their homework and turn things in on time, but I just couldn’t sit down and do even the simplest assignments sometimes – let alone the big projects and reports, not without crippling deadline pressure. My parents and teachers also tended to view the situation as if there was some kind of issue with me, too: that I was lazy/disorganized/not ‘applying myself’/needed discipline and punishment and then I’d be fine – alllll of that unhelpful bullshit.

Nobody thought that I wasn’t smart enough, though. Clearly, I was always great on tests: sit me down and ask me what I know and if there’s a definitive correct answer then odds are good that I knew what it was, so I excelled in math and science, and I took great comfort from knowing what I was doing and working familiar problems over and over. But having to go find sources for research and report on something or answer essay style questions – anything subjective or humanities-ish – was my kryptonite. I couldn’t ever say “this is enough information, this is complete and I’m done now” – once I started searching I’d drown in all of the information available and not be able to pull myself out with just enough to get the job done. I would become paralyzed simply by the thought of needing to sit down and do schoolwork, so I’d avoid it and distract myself with reading or anything else BUT schoolwork. And if I ever fell behind (which ALWAYS happened because that’s what happens when your avoidant coping is your default), then it was like pouring anti-napalm on everything: I’d be even more frozen and unable to function, like cold terrified acid licking through my veins. I have been a student most of my life – 21 and a half years to date – and the entire fucking time I’ve been limping along like this, always hoping at the start of each new term that This Time, somehow, I could Just Do It Already The Way I Should Be Able To, but over and over that optimism has crumbled to ashes in that undying flame of fear, paralysis, self-disgust, and despair.

I am able, now, to identify and name what I have suffered from my entire life, the condition that I was made to carry so much crippling SHAME for, that I learned to hide almost completely from all of my loved ones for over a decade so nobody would see that shame and decide to think less of me.

I have anxiety and complex PTSD. 

Where one ends and the other begins isn’t worth the effort of trying to tease them apart. The DSM-5 is an imperfect tool and no diagnosis is a uniform monolith – anxiety, PTSD, depression, and every other name of every other illness is merely a professional shorthand for “all/most of these symptoms are present.” It makes much more sense to treat my anxiety and PTSD as a single condition. Moreover, I have a strong suspicion that my endocrine disorder, PCOS, was triggered by the chronic stress/elevated cortisol and insulin (because one of the most socially acceptable ways for our nervous systems to regulate and soothe themselves when under stress is with food), and if it isn’t completely just part of the same thing, then it’s LARGELY overlapping with the anxiety/PTSD (I know that my mother and grandmother suffered in a very similar way in school, and I know that the PCOS is tied to inherited/ancestral trauma, so it makes every kind of sense if the anxiety/PTSD that we all have is related as well). 

I have had a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis on my chart for years, and I’ve known, in my rational brain, that I’ve needed to get it under control to feel better and function in school (and to be honest, with almost all other professional/adulting things too). But thinking about what I need and actually DOING something about it are such utterly different things. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have been able to admit to myself that I need real, professional help to overcome this condition – and to ask for and start receiving that help. There is a big culture in my family, especially us women, about ignoring our own issues and focusing on helping other people first (I know I must have written to you about this before), so this has been a massive step for me. 

For a while I’ve been struggling to stay on top of my classes, and have fallen behind in all four of them, and the feeling of being overwhelmed has only increased exponentially. I’ve wanted, desperately, to go to an emotional ER so many times the past month, so much so that I found myself wanting (and knowing on a deep level that my body needs) some kind of pharmaceutical support to get me through the fucking day and allow me to do some of the massive, teetering pile of backlogged work. Upon hearing about my experiences of paralysis and dysfunction, and scoring very high on the anxiety diagnosis questionnaire she used, my doc, who rarely reaches for her Rx pad off the bat, suggested putting me on Clonidine (non-addictive, originally developed for hypertension) especially after my double-checked at-home blood pressure reading was 154/80 (which is consistent with STAGE 2 HYPERTENSION in an otherwise healthy and young TWENTY-NINE YEAR OLD for fucks sake)(insert emojis denoting ABJECT PANIC here).

I am comforted by the fact that my doctor, who I’ve seen since I was a tweenager, has shifted in the past few years to specialize in treating addiction and substance dependency, so if there’s anybody who I can trust to medicate me without causing a chemical dependence it’s her (thank GODDESS). Dr. M agrees with my perspective that the meds are just a temporary measure to alleviate my symptoms enough to function, and that the true treatment is the therapy work that I’ve been trying to do for myself, but there’s only so much you can do all by your lonesome, no matter how many self-help books you read (and goodness knows I’ve read a TON).

So I also finally started seeing a therapist (!), and just admitting some of this out loud to another person has been so profoundly healing. Our second session was this past Wednesday, and I was able to start opening up and telling her that I think my anxiety traces back to ancestral trauma and how I feel called to use a bottom-up, somatic approach (hence my recent interest in shamanism, ritual, soul retrieval, transpersonal psychology, etc., which she’s totally accepting of; again, THANK GODDESS).

One of the many many many self-help books that I’ve had my nose in is “The Instinct to Heal: Curing Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy” by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD (which I started reading like a day before I finally admitted that I needed to take drugs and do talk therapy *laughing at myself emoji here*). Servan-Schreiber beautifully articulated the relationship between our neocortex: the newly, highly developed, outer portions of the brain where our logic, reason, cognition, and consciousness arise from, and our limbic system: the older, more primitive inner section of our brains that controls our unconscious, autonomic physiological processes (like breathing, digestion, heart rate, etc.), trauma, instinct, intuition, and emotion, and is therefore far more deeply and intensely connected to the body (and bodily held memories) than the neocortex. 

I’ve been running around in my rational, conscious, neocortex mind *thinking* about all of my issues and traumas and everything for ages, and I understand so much about these things on that rational level – but that is miles away from the irrational, unconscious, limbic bodymind where all of those traumas actually ARE and continue to play out over and over as if they’re still happening. This is something that my therapist helped me understand – our neocortex understands that this is a different time and the thing that happened in the past is over and done and we’re safe now, but the limbic system has no sense of time. In our irrational reptile brains, everything still exists the same as it did all those years ago as if it never stopped happening. THIS is where our inner wounded child lives, where a soul fragment likely fled from for safety in the midst of the unendurable whatever-it-was that precipitated the trauma response, and where the empty spot is where it needs to be called back to still resides, open and waiting and longing. 

THIS is why I’ve felt called towards the irrational, mystical, shamanic modes of healing: I’ve done as much as I can with my rational mind, which cannot be used to solve an irrational problem or heal an irrational wound, which is what all trauma is. A couple of weeks ago, when I asked you for your help as a shaman with conducting a soul retrieval, this is the kind of work that I was starting to realize that I need to do. The crazy Thing That I Did that I told you about (and meant to describe for you more at the time but I was exhausted and desperately needed the rest instead) was a small and beautiful spontaneous retrieval of a part of me when I was seven, a part that was thirteen, and a part of me as a young infant that I brought to my own breast in recognition that I was both deserving of my own love, nourishment, and care, and capable of being a loving, heart-centered parent to myself. I felt all of the past, younger versions of me that I’ve already been gathered in concentric circles within me, and all of the older versions of me that I’ve not yet been spiraling around me, and my ancestors and guides and spirits and all of the love and kindness that anyone has ever directed towards me gathered around all of me like a compassionate embrace, and I think that it was that experience that gave me just enough of my soul back, just enough juice and magic that I could start digging my teeth in and taking the steps I needed to take to seek treatment and get my legs back underneath me.

As amazing and beautiful as that experience was, it wasn’t everything that I need in order to heal. I want to do a soul retrieval/healing ritual to unfreeze the part of me (and the part of my mother, grandmother, and other ancestors) that is stuck in that root trauma – where the anxiety, complex PTSD, PCOS - where all of that junk stems from. I don’t yet have much sense at all what that’s gonna look like, but I know that it’s gonna be the biggest damn spell I’ve ever cast, and that I don’t think I can cast it alone. Watch this space.

I do think, though, that preparing for that is the thing to do for now, by accumulating small things on multiple fronts – growing my strength, calling back small parts of me, telling more and more loved ones about my truth, chipping away at the stack of things to do, continuing with meds and therapy, contacting my professors and possibly the department/program admin (with a letter from Dr. M in hand documenting my diagnosis and treatment) to let them know that I need help I’m figuring out how to make up for assignments that I haven’t turned in and make sure that I can continue next quarter and not get kicked out of the program. I’m still carrying a lot of fear of failure/expulsion around this (and anxiety = paralysis = inaction for me, even though I desperately want to fix it) – especially after handling myself so badly in a similar situation at the end of last quarter. When you’ve got a minute, I’d appreciate a pep talk about broaching the subject with them.

All in all, I’m doing well and things are looking up in a way I’ve NEEDED them to start looking up for literal decades. I’ve even been able to start telling my mother about how badly I’ve been doing (she knows I’ve seen my doctor and started therapy and meds) and allowing her to see that pain and struggle after years of hiding it from her out of shame has been scary but such a relief. But Goddess Knows I’ve got A LOT to do still. Just cause I’ve finally struck a match and can navigate a little better doesn’t mean I’m out of the dungeon yet.

I began the meds just yesterday, and I’ve spent the day decompressing (never been a better time for me to have a few days all to myself kitten-sitting for some friends while they go to a tiny, COVID-regulation compliant thanksgiving visit with their family in Portland). Drowsiness is a listed side effect of Clonidine, and I was really worried that my prescribed dose was too high after being soooooo tired yesterday and today after I took the pills, but my increasing suspicion is that I’ve just been so high-strung and hypervigilant (hello super premature hypertension!) that the anti-anxiety/BP-lowering drug just uncovered the chronic e x h a u s t I o n that was already (always) there, rather than them making me drowsy when I wasn’t. So I’ve spent the day eating my friend’s leftovers (she’s an AMAZING cook) and cat napping with the two sweetest little troublemakers you ever did see (I’ll send pics!). 

I think that FINALLY being able to relax like this was what helped me to begin to be receptive and start opening up (and connecting with you!) again. Anxiety = I clam up, my libido nosedives, and my pelvic tightness/vaginal armoring gets painful and rigid – all bad prospects for wild, sexy, blooming Love-Lust-and-Light fun. I was so glad to reconnect with you – and that you reminded me that I need to get this out and I can process it and heal it by sharing it with you – that our Sacred Space is still there for me to use and pour my pain and magic and consciousness out into.

I think that’s all the most important developments. I’m excited to hear all about all of your new developments, processing, perspectives too. 

And now I’m gonna go to bed. One nap today was NOT enough to recover from  goddess-knows-how-long-I’ve-had-this chronic fatigue. I’ll talk to you soon

I love you, Άδης

Your Εκάτε <3

[dailytechnologynews]

PCPer's Response to the Recent Ethical Concerns and Accusations

Hi hardware fans. It's been an eventful couple of days in the offices and home for me (and Allyn). A video from YouTube channel AdoredTV was posted late Thursday night (US eastern time) that directly attacked our credibility, which has been taken down, reposted, and taken down again. In all honesty, we tend to have a policy of not responding to verbal accusations online, because if we did, that's all anyone that writes reviews would ever do.

This one was more impactful though. We were called out directly by name (me and Allyn) and some very specific statements were made against our reviews on pcper.com and our new company at shroutreseach.com.

Most importantly from my point of view was that I woke up on Friday morning to find that I had been sent pictures of my home (and my office) from Google Maps along with my address from random viewers of this video. Obviously when you start to get into areas of personal and family safety, things get ratcheted up quite dramatically. With recent events showing that sometimes crazies on the internet can in fact do crazy things when incited, I was legitimately worried about my wife and daughter.

Jim at AdoredTV initially agreed to take the video down in an email exchange after I expressed those safety concerns. But after he didn't think I addressed all the points his video accusations covered in the response that I sent him (that will be included below), he re-posted it. After some more emails back and forth, he took the video back down as of Saturday morning.

At this point, I wanted to make sure that the response to his video that I sent him was public, so that the readers and viewers of both of our content can make their own decision.

In the end, I agreed to make edits to the FreeSync story/video that he brought up. These are reasonable points from him that would have simply required an email or phone call to address at the outset. We also added a disclosure statement to the end of our Intel 900P review in regards to Shrout Research. My statement of honesty in our review remains, but in order to be more transparent, the disclosure was added.

It's worth noting that not 48 hours before the original posting of AdoredTVs video, our team had been debating not about putting disclosures on the stories, but what the exact wording of them would be. This was prompted by a question sent in to our mailbag series our desire to be honest about things. This is still going to happen, but we are finalizing what that global statement will be.

I do think its important to note that despite the intent to paint it as such, there really are no black and white answers to this. Some will say that I should release financial statements. Some will say this is more than enough. I anticipate that he will still have some issues with our process, as will others. I accept that. We will continue to do what we think is best.

You'll find below a complete copy of an email exchange between Jim at AdoredTV and myself. It's a long read, one that I think is important in its entirety for those concerned about these allegations, but I've also prepared this more succinct list of our responses to the major issues.

Unfairness to FreeSync: We have made the edits/updates that the AdoredTV video called out. We believed at the time that our new article on the topic was adequate due diligence. While it is impossible for any outlet to update all published articles or videos every time something changes, we recognize that this was an important issue and we will try to do better about updating published content when appropriate. As for the FreeSync panel debate, the text of our review stated that the panels shared the same “specifications,” not that they were the same panels. However, in comments related to the article, we did state that the panels were the same. That was our error and we apologize.

General bias against AMD: We have worked with AMD for many years and have spoken with them both on and off the record countless times. The claims in the video that we did not convey pre-launch product concerns to AMD are false. PCPer was also not the first or only outlet to draw attention to the RX 480 power draw and Ryzen latency issues, and we worked extensively with AMD for months in advance of the release of our Frame Rating/FCAT testing. As for perceived bias, we treat all companies and products with respect and fairness, and it has never been suggested by the companies we cover that the reality is otherwise.

Radeon Affiliate Link: The first we heard about our Amazon affiliate tag being present in a link at the Radeon website was when Ryan Smith of AnandTech tweeted about it, as shown in the AdoredTV video. We have absolutely no idea how that link got there, and we received zero commissions or sales data on the Vega Frontier Edition as a result of it. Due to the fact that the affiliate tag present on the Radeon page is incorrect (it has an extra %20 at the end), we’re not even sure if it would have worked had someone inadvertently used it. But we reiterate that there is absolutely no arrangement, official or unofficial, that called for our affiliate link to be placed on AMD’s website.

Shrout Research & The Intel 900P Review: Intel hired Shrout Research to conduct testing of the 900P and produce a white paper for public release if the results were positive. We have conducted similar testing for many other companies, including AMD, and in most cases the information we provide is kept private for internal use at those companies. We also wrote a review of the 900P at pcper.com, with the timing of the release of both pieces dictated by the 900P embargo date. Contrary to the claims in the video, the review and the white paper were not the same. Separate testing was performed on different platforms, although one of the drives (the 480GB model), which was provided by Intel for the white paper, was also used in the review. In short, the tests performed were different, the results were different (in most cases lower in the pcper.com review), and Intel was not given pre-release access or control over the content of the review.

Disclosure: While we did not try to “hide” anything as was suggested in the video (Shrout Research, named after me, has a public website, twitter account, and has been mentioned and published often on our podcasts, weekly mailbag videos, on my Twitter account, and in my freelance writing bio), we failed to disclose the nature and extent of Shrout Research’s relationship with Intel on the 900P review at PCPer. That was our error. We will rectify this by adopting a complete disclosure policy for all reviews going forward, which will clearly state not just relationships related to Shrout Research, but also the terms of our review, any related advertisers, and any other potential conflicts that may appear. It was never our intent to deceive, and we still stand fully by the content of the 900P review, but we will attempt to do better about proper disclosure going forward.

(Times in the email reference a "current time" of about 10pm ET. Copy and paste is funny in Gmail.)

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 9:46 AM (12 hours ago)

to jim Do you have time to chat quickly today? Saw the video, I have lots of questions, many concerns, but most importantly a request. I can call you direct or on Skype, etc.

Jim P <*********> 12:38 PM (9 hours ago)

to me Hi Ryan.

Sorry I'm out all weekend and I'm actually not in my own place right now (I'm in Scotland but live in Sweden) and getting peace and quiet isn't very easy anyway. I might be available to talk a bit on Monday but if you have a request that needs dealing with sooner, feel free to shoot it to me and obviously I'll listen.

Regards,

Jim

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 1:18 PM (8 hours ago)

to Jim Jim,

I'm a little disappointed that you would be willing to post a video with those kinds of accusations without contacting me for input but unwilling to spend 15 minutes on the phone or Skype with me to address it. Although not your intent, we are at the point now of viewers of your content reaching out to me with pictures of my house on Google Maps with my address, as well as my office. Obviously with the recent occurrences in the world, and as the father of a two year old, this is something we take exceedingly seriously. I'm worried that your video and comments, though I disagree with almost all of them, are going to be used to cause more harm than you had intended.

I have a list of corrections and inaccuracies, as well as comments surround some of your concerns, that I am preparing. But I would greatly appreciate some assistance in controlling this situation.

AdoredTV 1:29 PM (8 hours ago)

to me Hi Ryan,

I just got back from the dentist and I'm currently at my sister's house in Scotland. It's dinner time here also. Tomorrow we celebrate my sisters birthday at another venue. What do you want me to do to help? Should I unlist the video? I'm willing to do that for now though it'll blow over in a couple of days anyway. Be aware that if I don't like your response to my points in the video, I wasn't joking when I said I left out more than I put in. I will not be manipulated, consider my offer to unlist the video the final chance of avoiding a real escalation. Regards,

Jim

Jim P 1:32 PM (8 hours ago)

to me Not sure if my previous response got through, resending...

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 1:42 PM (8 hours ago)

to Jim Jim,

I appreciate the offer to make the video unlisted. However, because the video will still be viewable from any number of sources with the URL, I think making it private would be more appropriate.

I plan to send you my responses and comments in private, or on a call, in order to address your questions and concerns in a way that does not endanger anyone's family. I understand that you may choose to take these emails public, and that is fine as I am not trying to hide anything. This can be an "on the record conversation" but the goal is to discuss in private, to understand each others points, without putting anyone else at risk.

Jim P 1:51 PM (8 hours ago)

to me I will make the video private, for now. And I will also write a tweet.

We'll talk later.

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 1:51 PM (8 hours ago)

to Jim Thank you for that. I will follow up with my comments today.

AdoredTV 5:12 PM (4 hours ago)

to me It's rapidly approaching end of day in Kentucky, Ryan. One more hour then the video goes public again. Cheers,

Jim

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 5:37 PM (4 hours ago)

to AdoredTV Hi Jim,

I saw your video posted on Jan 25th about me, Allyn Malventano, PC Perspective, and Shrout Research. While I think your intentions are earnest, I have some serious concerns about the accusations that are made and the facts of your story.

First, I think it is worth noting again that creating this kind of content without requesting input from the accused seems incredibly inflammatory and unfair. As you point out the code of ethics of journalism many times in your video, there are multiple references to “right to reply” that should exist during or at the same time. This opportunity was not given to us.

Second, the impact of your commentary, true or not, has the potential to cause harm to me, my team, and my family. Having already received pictures of my home and my address from viewers of your video, and with the recent events that have occurred around the world, I am now genuinely concerned about the safety of my family. Also in that code of ethics is a section on humanity: “Journalists should do no harm. What we publish or broadcast may be hurtful, but we should be aware of the impact of our words and images on the lives of others.”

The beginning of your accusations of bias on PC Perspective starts with our article on the first FreeSync monitors from 2015. The crux of your argument is that our team, including Allyn and myself, determined that FreeSync was the cause of the ghosting we saw on the display, though others indicated it was not a result of FreeSync, but rather the panel or integration itself. Our assertion at the time would have been that because FreeSync was the “certification brand” of this display, that in the end, regardless of the root technical cause, AMD and the FreeSync team were ultimately responsible. Our original story even details our inability to nail down the root cause of the problem.

*The question now is: why is this happening and does it have anything to do with G-Sync or FreeSync? NVIDIA has stated on a few occasions that there is more that goes into a VRR monitor than simply integrated vBlank extensions and have pointed to instances like this as an example as to why. Modern monitors are often tuned to a specific refresh rate – 144 Hz, 120 Hz, 60 Hz, etc. – and the power delivery to pixels is built to reduce ghosting and image defects. But in a situation where the refresh rate can literally be ANY rate, as we get with VRR displays, the LCD will very often be in these non-tuned refresh rates. NVIDIA claims its G-Sync module is tuned for each display to prevent ghosting by change the amount of voltage going to pixels at different refresh rates, allowing pixels to untwist and retwist at different rates.

It’s impossible now to know if that is the cause for the difference seen above. But with the ROG Swift and BenQ XL2730Z sharing the same 144 Hz TN panel specifications, there is obviously something different about the integration. It could be panel technology, it could be VRR technology or it could be settings in the monitor itself. We will be diving more into the issue as we spend more time with different FreeSync models.

For its part, AMD says that ghosting is an issue it is hoping to lessen on FreeSync monitors by helping partners pick the right components (Tcon, scalars, etc.) and to drive a “fast evolution” in this area.

Source: https://www.pcper.com/reviews/Displays/AMD-FreeSync-First-Impressions-and-Technical-Discussion/Gaming-Experience-FreeSync-*

You then bring up the fact that after we did discover that a firmware fix occurred (after our review), we posted a completely new article four months after our review recognizing the changes and improvements. There is a fair point to be made that we should have gone back to the original story and updated it with links to the new story. However, by doing a follow-up story and posting it in the same channels as the original (main site, video, Twitter, etc.) we believe we did due diligence here.

*In an industry that constantly changing with new hardware reviews, firmware updates, and even software and driver changes, keeping up with it is difficult. Extremely difficult. We will continue to find ways to do it better.

Any claims we made in comments or forums that panels in the competing G-Sync and FreeSync monitors were identical are false, and our error. But in our originally story, where articles are edited and curated, we state clearly that they shared the same “specifications”:

It’s impossible now to know if that is the cause for the difference seen above. But with the ROG Swift and BenQ XL2730Z sharing the same 144 Hz TN panel specifications, there is obviously something different about the integration.

Source: https://www.pcper.com/reviews/Displays/AMD-FreeSync-First-Impressions-and-Technical-Discussion/Gaming-Experience-FreeSync-*

Should comments and forum posts have been more accurate? Yes.

You also mention our frequent streams with NVIDIA’s Tom Petersen as a source bias in our content. While we definitely have hosted Tom in our offices many times, the invite has always been open for any vendor we work with to co-host a live stream to talk to our audience. AMD has taken us up on these offers on seven specific instances:

· [https://www.pcper.com/news/Graphics-Cards/Live-Review-Recap-AMD-Radeon-HD-7970-GHz-]Edition(https://www.pcper.com/news/Graphics-Cards/Live-Review-Recap-AMD-Radeon-HD-7970-GHz-Edition)

· https://www.pcper.com/news/General-Tech/PCPer-Live-Interview-AMDs-Richard-Huddy-June-17th-4pm-ET-1pm-PT

· https://www.pcper.com/news/Graphics-Cards/PCPer-Live-AMD-Radeon-Crimson-Live-Stream-and-Giveaway

· https://www.pcper.com/news/General-Tech/PCPer-Live-Radeon-RX-480-Live-Stream-Raja-Koduri

· https://www.pcper.com/news/General-Tech/PCPer-Live-AMD-Radeon-Crimson-ReLive-Discussion-and-RX-480-Giveaway

· https://www.pcper.com/news/General-Tech/PCPer-Live-AMD-Radeon-Crimson-ReLive-Discussion-and-RX-580-Giveaway

· https://www.pcper.com/reviews/Graphics-Cards/AMD-Radeon-Software-Adrenalin-adds-game-overlay-mobile-app-wider-API-support

We probably have done more interviews with Tom than with AMD or any other vendor, but this is not indicative of anything other than NVIDIA’s desire to communicate with our audience slightly more frequently.

Next, you discuss the RX 480 power issue and indicate that PC Perspective’s stories were inflammatory and without merit. I would point out that not only did AMD acknowledge and fix the issue, but we were not the first media outlet to show the problem. Tom’s Hardware actually reported the problem first, and we linked to them in our first story on the topic. We worked with AMD to supply them with our data as we got it, to solicit input before, after, and during the story writing.

Another point brought up in your video is that PC Perspective appears to be willing to work behind the scenes with some companies to help fix problems and potential issues, but not with AMD. That is factually incorrect. We have worked with AMD in many instances, providing information before product releases, to help them fix problems.

Examples include our Frame Rating / FCAT testing, where we shared data, opinions, and insights with AMD months before the release of the first public story. On the Ryzen latency “ping test” we also sent information to AMD before publication to ask for input and feedback. When Ryzen motherboards were having significant issues at launch we worked with them and partners on updates and BIOS improvements in the background before reviewing those products. The facts are that we work with every company on the same level.

On the issue of AMD using an Amazon.com link that included our affiliate code, the first time I was aware of that was when the link and screenshot Anandtech’s Ryan Smith tweet was sent out. I never had any conversation with anyone at AMD about including it, or why it was there even after the fact. It was not something we asked for, expected, or benefitted from. A search of our Amazon.com affiliate data from July through today shows exactly zero Vega Frontier Edition cards sold on our account, from links on our articles or from AMD’s website.

Now let’s address the Shrout Research side of your story. Shrout Research was started in October of 2016 to allow us to offer services that we were being asked for from companies already, but separated from the PC Perspective website. It is probably fair to say that we have not been as open as we could or should have been about how this works.

But it is crucial to recognize that were not hiding this company or its relationship to me. The company and my position there is listed on my Twitter profile. We often link to ShroutResearch.com in stories posted on pcper.com. We have discussed Shrout Research on the podcast. I have answered questions about the company in mailbags from user-submitted questions. It is listed in my pcper.com profile page. Most (probably all) stories posted on MarketWatch or similar sites list my relationship to both companies. We link to the Shrout Research white papers (including the 900P paper) in some PC Perspective stories.

To address specific problems you have noted, I’ll start with the 900P paper and review. You claim that our test suite for the 900P review on PC Perspective was created for the Intel work done with Shrout Research. This is not true. The first review to use Allyn’s Latency Percentile performance testing methodology was with the launch of the Samsung 960 EVO in November of 2016 and research of this new testing process was first shown with the 950 PRO review in October of 2015. The 900P review was using this same testing method.

Furthermore, the testing that was showcased in the Shrout Research 900P white paper and the review differ greatly. You assert that the review on PC Perspective is simply a copy of the testing and work done on the research side, however looking at the paper and the review shows that isn’t the case. Benchmarks and analysis of applications like AS-SSD, CrystalDiskMark, Anvil, Photo Mechanic, and Houdini are in the paper, but were not used in the review. The data presented in the review is based on Allyn’s custom testing capabilities, of which only two small results are part of the white paper.

The testing for Shrout Research and PC Perspective testing of the 900P was done on different systems as well. The review data was gathered on our standard PCPer storage testing platform and the Shrout Research data was gathered on a platform that Intel specifically requested we configure. The review on PCPer used retail drives, the testing for Shrout Research was using engineering samples. Even more, the performance of the data results that do overlap are actually LOWER in the review on PC Perspective as they were tested on a different platform than the one used on the white paper. The results on PC Perspective and Shrout Research are not copies.

The concern over using hardware and devices received through Shrout Research arrangements for the review on PC Perspective is valid. Honestly, we didn’t see the harm (at the time) to include the second capacity of the 900P in our review as it presented more information to the reader. Was this unfair to others in the media? Probably. Have we seen numerous other exclusives come to websites (including us) over the years that weren’t fair to the media? Yes. Are samples often sent out differently from site to site? Absolutely. See the RX Vega launch most recently and many storage reviews that send different capacities and sets to reviewers.

If you follow PC Perspective at all, you know that we were going to publish a review on PC Perspective of the 900P regardless of the existence of the white paper or our arrangements with Intel. And our opinion of the product would not be have been swayed. Our agreement with Intel was to vet and evaluate the 900P so it could get an idea of how the device stood in the market and how it might be received in the public. The white paper was only to be written if Intel thought the results from our testing were positive in their eyes, however the fee Shrout Research was paid was the same regardless of whether or not the paper was produced.

Shrout Research currently works the biggest, and most competitive, companies in the high-tech world, including Intel, AMD, NVIDIA, Qualcomm, and Arm. We have done similar work for others on this list, in particular AMD. We have done evaluation of hardware prior to media and public device availability, to advise and showcase the performance as our team sees it. In those cases with AMD, which began in March of 2017, AMD used the reports internally and decided to not request a public paper from Shrout Research.

If any of these companies saw me, or Shrout Research, or anyone on our team as unreliable or capable of bias, they would have no reason to work with me, especially on the Shrout Research side. Instead, the 18+ years of work that I have under me and the positive results I have produced in terms of relevant, honest, and useful content leads them to partner with us to help make their products, messaging, and companies better.

As I said at the beginning, nothing about Shrout Research is hidden or was attempted to be secretive. Should we have been more explicit in some disclosures? Yes, clearly. Should we have been stricter in how product was shared between the two entities? Probably. It’s something we had honestly discussed just this past week, and this story further necessitates the need for it.

At the end of the day, the trust of the reader and the companies that work with us is paramount and the only thing that keeps us going. There will always be some individuals that don’t like us or have insurmountable distrust of us for some reason; it’s been that way for literally the last 18 years of my life. But I know that we attempt to treat every company equally, treat every product equally, and every situation equally.

Many people feel a sense of distrust around paid advertising on hardware sites. I obviously disagree that running ads for a company inherently means you are going to be biased towards them, and I have built and sustained PC Perspective on that very point, a similar application of trust must be applied here. If readers and viewers were able to trust our reviews for ASUS motherboards, despite running ASUS advertising on our site, or our videos on EVGA graphics cards despite running EVGA advertising on our site, then I feel that readers should continue to trust us as Shrout Research moves forward.

Here is a list of the companies that we have worked with on the advertising side in the last 10 years:

· AMD

· Antec

· ASUS

· BFG

· Cooler Master

· Corsair

· Crucial

· Diamond

· Drobo

· ECS

· Enermax

· EVGA

· FSP

· Galaxy

· Gigabyte

· Intel

· Logitech

· MSI

· Newegg

· NCIX

· NVIDIA

· OCZ / Toshiba

· Samsung

· Seasonic

· Silverstone

· Thermaltake

· Tiger Direct

· Western Digital

· XFX

· Zalman

There have been years where AMD is our biggest sponsor; several in fact. There are years where Logitech has been. ASUS is generally one of our biggest sponsors. The point I want to make here is that if you didn’t trust us before, there is little I can do to change that. But if you did trust us before, I think we have proven ourselves over the course of many years that the trust is warranted.

And for clarity, the companies we have worked with through Shrout Research:

· AMD

· Arm

· Intel

· NVIDIA

· Qualcomm

I believe that work that you do, despite our differences, is incredibly important to keeping people on their toes and maintaining sanity. I don’t believe that you have correctly portrayed the work we do or how we operate.We aren't perfect, I am not perfect. I don't believe any of us have ever made that claim. But I do know that you have taken our work and intent out of context.

If you still have to have a video calling us out for our practices, I obviously can’t stop you. But I would request that you fix the factual errors in your video. That includes the FreeSync story, the assertion that we don’t work with AMD prior to posting stories (including the ping testing and the RX 480 power), the affiliate link on AMD’s website, the lack of differences between the 900P white paper and the review, and that we have not been forthcoming (at all) about the existence and relationship of Shrout Research and PC Perspective.

I don’t consider this list of points exhaustive, by any means. I didn’t have time to re-watch or transcribe your video in order to dive into details on each and every point. Should something specific come to mind you want me to answer, let me know. If you have other question or problems with how we do things, or how we appear to be doing things from an external view, I’ll gladly answer them.

AdoredTV 7:14 PM (2 hours ago)

to me Thanks Ryan.

I feel you have raised some valid points however it's not nearly enough for me to keep the video private. Specifically, you failed to address the major points regarding conflict of interest and the "FreeSync vs G-Sync Ghosting Comparison" video, both of which have still not been rectified.

Can I again point to the EJN's article where it clearly states...

Accountability A sure sign of professionalism and responsible journalism is the ability to hold ourselves accountable. When we commit errors we must correct them and our expressions of regret must be sincere not cynical. We listen to the concerns of our audience. We may not change what readers write or say but we will always provide remedies when we are unfair.

I will have a closer look on Monday to see if you have remedied these faults before continuing with the rest of your response. Regards,

Jim

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 7:20 PM (2 hours ago)

to AdoredTV Okay. Can you expand for me the points about the comparison story and video that you believe are still concerning? Is it that we have not updated the video and text of the write up to reference the later story?

AdoredTV 8:02 PM (2 hours ago)

to me Hi Ryan.

Sure I'll expand on these points. 1) I see no reason why you would not have rectified your error with the "FreeSync vs G-Sync ghosting" video, given what you have had pointed out to you today. That is literally a 5 second edit to the title which you chose to ignore.

2) The Optane review still looks the same - that is there is still nothing advising the reader of any potential conflict of interest. I'm sure you're aware of all the FTC regulations regarding this subject - but please...neither of us has any desire to go down that route I'm sure. - Jim On a personal level - When your changes are complete, it would likely be beneficial to point them out on social media. You will gain far more from these two small actions than your current course ever will - and by that I mean you will regain respect from your viewers. My bet would be you'd also find it all very liberating, because pride is a terrible thing. It's very late here and this has taken up much of my day so forgive me as I have to retire to bed.

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 8:16 PM (1 hour ago)

to AdoredTV Honestly, I was planning to include links and updates, but, I didn't want it to look like I was doing something manipulative before we had some to some kind of resolution. I agree these are 5-second edits, and I say in my rather long feedback note that I thought it was a reasonable request. You instead immediately posted the video back up, which I didn't think would occur without the dialogue.

The same applies to the Optane review - not wanting to change ANYTHING on the site as it would look like we were trying to change things out from under you, or the community. I assure you that my lawyer and I have gone over the regulations in this country for disclosure before starting the company, we are know what the bounds of "legal" and "moral" are. Also, do you not think AMD/Intel/NVIDIA/Qualcomm/Arm have lawyers that vet every relationship like this? If I was breaking the law, they would never have me working with them.

Are you going to keep the video up, even if these edits occur? What about your claims of correcting content that is known to be incorrect, incomplete, inaccurate? That seems to violate the rule, does it not, with all of the information you have had sent your way?

AdoredTV 8:39 PM (1 hour ago)

to me If you had simply rectified or even given the indication that you were open to rectifying both issues then sure I would have taken that under consideration. There was nothing to suggest that either move would be made. As it was, you basically just regurgitated a bunch of text from your reviews which I've already read. This stuff doesn't translate very well across the Atlantic. I made the video private on good faith Ryan. I was the one who offered to unlist it, then I agreed to make it private on your suggestion. I did what I could reasonably be expected to do to help you but you didn't take the chance. These past hours have been filled with me fighting my own viewers over claims of weakness, selling out or other nonsense like legal threats forcing me to take it down. I spent the last 6 hours fighting my own viewers because of this.

I didn't have to deal with any of that but I did...because I gave you the chance. I was hoping for a real show of accountability and this is what your readers want to see too. Please just apologise Ryan - make a statement, show that you've removed/changed the title of the FreeSync Video and updated your Optane review. I promise you that I will not gloat - in fact I'd be far more likely to applaud you for it. If that is done by the time I wake tomorrow, I'll put the video private again. I need to sleep, it's 1:30 here.

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 9:21 PM (43 minutes ago)

to AdoredTV It is done. The point of the initial email was to have a discussion and clarify things. I'm disappointed that you would repost the video even after the concerns I brought up about some of the rash notes and emails I received.

Here is the video with updated title and link to the updated story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ylLnT2yKyA Here is the FS story with link at top of first page: https://www.pcper.com/reviews/Displays/AMD-FreeSync-First-Impressions-and-Technical-Discussion/Gaming-Experience-FreeSync- The bottom of this page discloses the specifics of the Intel 900P paper and review: https://www.pcper.com/reviews/Storage/Intel-Optane-SSD-900P-480GB-and-280GB-NVMe-HHHL-SSD-Review-Lots-3D-XPoint/Conclusion

I will likely post a thread on reddit to bring up the points that I brought up to you in the long email, since that information is already out there and in the public. No mal-intent intended to you there, just making sure the points I sent you are public.

Jim P 4:43 AM Saturday

to me Thanks Ryan.

I've decided to skip the party today and get a video out on this topic and to clarify what happens next, so that this can be avoided in future. I will put the video private at the same time. Regards,

Jim

Ryan Shrout rshrout@pcper.com 10:39 AM Saturday

to Jim While I am sorry for you to miss your family event, I appreciate the removal of the video and whatever update you might have.

I will be posting our comments and thread here to reddit sometime this morning.

Congratulations, you reached the end!

Again, thanks for reading and for giving us a chance to state our position.

[hanseihere]

Found the BEST foundation : what was laid in the past to be THOUGHT about at a future date.  Like picking up a book read a decade ago during a different phase in life, or perusing what was saved in a professional way, since we’re never meant to DO the SAME thing over&over unless you’re planning on a change & not telling people.  That is the most interesting thing of all : someone kicking and fighting even though they WILL ALWAYS GIVE IN, someone who is this in _ _ _ _ _ _ with what was shown to be their _ _ _ _ & their _ _ _ _ _ : $

What a complex symbol indeed & what it meant to stay & what it could mean to go, but how...how...how...and this is where that risk was taken in the setting that must stay true since that’s the place the hurts happened & this is how it works. THESE PTSD MEMORIES get their own place to play, the goal is to put them away forever, someday : if only they can all come out as soon as possible, there will be screams & shouts for the nature of these crimes : I’m going backwards to detail how I lost my mind

Put their ugliness into 🕳 and be done with this, right?

The focus here is to list all the behaviors that relate to that : since the hope is to find the single thread that connects, no, that rips it away (already know what it is, but curious if the world aligns since this is such a treacherous topic) : a he said/she said, but with some reassuring optics, called a paper case, making my point in outer space : to describe a newly describe human race who acts THIS WAY.  Who can pretend away...Who uses EMOTIONS in the worstest displays, their aim...to get away...my voice changing - - - so stop - - - sit & stay 

with this PTSD MEMORY : not able to put it down, just reading it, typing it, thinking it makes it impossible to turn this frOWN upside dOWN

OWN YOUR SHIT

REALLY, you can have all of it!!!

What you did can’t be taken back, like that

The way you move was the catalyst for my new groove

Can’t have THIS without THAT & why I’m thankful for the abuse, at last

I’ll go back there so no one else has to : this is the dimension for the scariest things to mention since USE OF FEAR.  KNOWING EVERYTHING about a person will help it all to ADHERE & WHY YOU DON’T CHANGE YOUR MIND ON A DIME TO BE believed | The uppercut punch is the way they change the narrative that sends me reeling...twirling, whirling, flipping, flapping, there’s all these actions at once, I’ve made them passive, since punches, kicks, stabbings & chokeholds aren’t exactly easy to read, but guess what... I’m getting used to talking about what it’s like TO BE BEATEN.  WHAT it’s LIKE TO HAVE 200 pounds on you, scared, always retreating, these waves made sure I can take a beating.

This is the final episode MY consciousness come given back to where I came from.  To give it up means I’ll never ever have to discuss.  It won’t be up to me, just the things that I want to do gladly.  

Find the ways to heal the world

Creative thinking, the highs/low, dips, twists & swirls

It’s about giving things in life an honest whirl 

& why without SHAME I can go back to that shitty place that a-hole left me.  Took chunks out of the baseboards, ruined my space, pathetic & sniveling, IS whatever the opposite IS of handy. 

Shame was what needed to come out so it has--done so in several different ways, the first going to Scotland & being reminded of how it was used to make people feel bad for acts they did : this is similar to these urges to hide, so I HID

this is abuse, mental & emotional

the ways no one notices, when someone acts poorly, the fear is they’ll do it again, now that’s a powerful weapon, my friend

oh wait, they are noticing!!!  They tell you in secret

someone who instead can’t handle someone else telling them they’re wrong & to stop.  They instead disappear & press in 

The choice is to always WALK AWAY & you stayed way past your invitation.  You had the option to GO or STAY, the choice was yours based on ONE THING ONLY : were you capable of change & you were not.  You lied about everything & you think you get to say it’s because of _______.  OPENED UP A SHIT STORM & why you never choose the douchebag option.  You never know what’s a-brewing in someone after torture & rape : assaults too disturbing to name so instead I’ve found other ways to escape since the TRUTH about PEOPLE who PROMISE to hold secrets that have CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN DEEP INSIDE : when they LIE in this area, the prompt others to want SUICIDE : since to relive PAINS like that is not ANYONE’S CHOICE TO USE&ABUSE :i’m not mincing words, I’m going to spell it all out for everyone one of you.

TO teach means to TELL YOU THINGS : ohhhh, the lessons I’ve learned

The enjoyment some get off on the humiliations of others.  Power is like security, a just in case, but who thinks like this?  Those who are brainwashed, have pain & trauma, in their youths, were dissed...So they hurt, it’s OK to hurt others, NO! : they think, at last, it’s my turn (to be an ass?), and with that moment to sit, forced to RELEARN I can enjoy the fact I’ve been enjoying this slow burn .  That’s the acid rising from their hate since I refuse to wallow in this game of give&take so change the name.  Love&hate Love&conditions changing of mind-what family is&what it ain’t

50+ ptsd memory related to marriage in a wedding sense

spread it out over 10+ 🕳

in 20-30 new & ingenious ways

every day is finding more hurts to squash & kill

every hour is not knowing if it’ll be horrifying or chill 

A RETURN to something familiar | for past year have been using OTC (not as effective) but found this (expiration OK) since have not been on proper insurance for this Rx even though better than oral painkillers.  Some doctors very unhelpful since they don’t understand pain . They can’t describe it themselves so how can they understand someone else’s. 

note :there is a strong NEED TO MEDICATE PATIENTS & BLAME PATIENTS if they DO NOT MAKE GAINS : going to talk all about it 

I have templates galore : now just use them TO LIVE : since I’m up at 2AM, 3AM, 4AM catching thoughts & WHY the importance of sleep is #1 in recovery and why numbers & colors must be the very first thing:  Needed to connect all of them first which is why I’m hesitating.  These topics are just dense.  I’m done refashioning this old rickety fence.  I’m updating to something brand-spanking new.  You didn’t know what old school women can do?

If you find the 🕳 give 3 cheers!  ZZZ , a metaphor for truth & goodness.  Should we return to our safe space to let the words out?  HERE to go THERE & one day SPREAD : that is the appropriate verb for the future : it’s wide open