#when in reality he was just incredibly stoic and distant towards everyone

[only-one-brain-cell]

“ a certain part of The Bear fanbase choosing to ignore his past or just plain forgetting it and acting he’s like the worst person to have ever existed for having trauma and experiencing many of it’s ugly side effects. I firmly believe that a big part of this reaction is because many people lack nuance in media and an understanding that nothing is ever truly black and white.” I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

Actually The Bear is a really good case study on trauma being deemed as abhorrent when it’s not presented in a pretty or digestible way within media including how characters who struggle with it are seen as unlovable. Particularly within Carmen’s character and the audience’s response to his behavior in season 3. Let me start this off by saying I’m not trying excuse any of Carmy’s actions throughout s3, I’m just acknowledging that trauma and it’s effects on the traumatized individual as well the effects on people in their life are complex and unpredictable, furthermore, people who haven’t experienced trauma tend to be more judgmental than compassionate towards them. Carmy is no different; him exhibiting this behavior and a certain part of The Bear fanbase choosing to ignore his past or just plain forgetting it and acting he’s like the worst person to have ever existed for having trauma and experiencing many of it’s ugly side effects. I firmly believe that a big part of this reaction is because many people lack nuance in media and an understanding that nothing is ever truly black and white. There are many shades of grey within humanity and The Bear is one of the few pieces of media that does a wonderful job of showing that. It’s glaringly obvious that Carmy has a multitude of issues that need to be addressed before he can run a successful restaurant and maintain healthy relationships. But None of that makes him an irredeemable or horrible person. It makes him a flawed human being that needs help who is also deserving of love and support. Trauma is far from beautiful and I’m tired of people acting like it needs to be portrayed in media in a sanitized way that erases all the hardships that come with it because they feel uncomfortable when they’re shown the gritty, raw, vulnerable truth of what trauma really is; of what it really does to a person. Carmy is no exception, he is struggling with his mental health in a way that is not pretty and wrapped up in a bow and people can’t handle it because we’re being shown the reality of it. He is angry, lashing out, spiraling, handling his emotions the only way he knows how by throwing himself into his work. I won’t deny that he has treated the people in his life poorly and he will need to earn their forgiveness in his own time. Yet none of that makes him any less worthy of love and patience. He needs professional help but he will only reach out when he’s ready too and even then it won’t go away over night. It can take months, and possibly years to truly heal from every thing he’s been through and after all of that he will still have bad days and he will still be just as worthy of love on those days as he is on the good ones. Struggling with trauma will never make anybody underserving of being treated with kindness or compassion and it will never make anyone any less worthy of being loved.

[drakewalkerfantasy]

The art of seduction. (Tatum x MC)

Summary: When Tatum saw her in the pretty gown she wore for the state dinner he could do nothing else but imagine his best friend in his embrace. His old feelings quickly surfaced. And as much as it would be fun to give up to her seduction, he could do nothing else but try to resist her. Can he do this? Or will he fail trying?

Words: 1893

Authors notes: I really hope you will enjoy this. I left space for part that will be more NSFW.

**Warnings: tiny bitsy suggestive language and a bit of swearing. Also sensual, so I would say 17+**

With the finale glance in the full-length mirror Claire finally made her way out of the bedroom. Her eyes instantly finding Tatum’s, feeling how the air leaving her lungs with the strenght of the wrecked train, when she sees his gaze fixed on her. His intense eyes roaming subtly over her body clad in the silvery grey backless dress with the cut ending just below her hipbone. His eyes stoping there just for a split second before snapping back to hers, and she could swear that she caught a glimpse of a blush colouring his cheeks.

“That good, huh?” She asked. Her lips curving in a knowing smirk watching Tatum to clear his throat before giving her a reply. Reply that instantly wiped the smile from her face, making her eyes widen and her cheeks flush.

“Let’s just say... what I’m thinking isn’t part of my job description,” murmured he in a low husky whisper that send an immediate shiver down her spine, making her pulse speed up, and her eyes darken.

And oh my God, the thoughts he thought... These little dirty thoughts about his best friend's body pressed firmly to his. His hand slipping through the cut in her dress, wandering higher. His fingers fluttering along the edges of her suspender belt that he caught a glimpse of when she saunter out of her bedroom. The other hand woven in her hair letting them fall down her back, while his lips hungrily claimed hers. His tongue...

Shit... he swore under his breath snapping back to reality. Feeling ashamed of how instantly his body reacted to her, straining against the fly of his trousers. And shit it was, when he caught a glimpse of a knowing smile spreading Claire’s lips. That knowing smile that he knew far too well did not bode anything good. The smile that he knew will test him to the limit. Cracking his facade of indifference. Breaking the mask, he so hard tried to protect. And the next step she took undoubtedly confirmed his suspicions.

Her hand with calculated precision brushed against his. Her fingertips ran against his pulse point sending it in overdrive. Her eyes hooded under her black thick eyelashes, shining with mirth like two black sapphires when they met his. Her lips parted, while the tip of her tongue flitted over them, making him almost moan with desire. And her deliciously hot breath brushed the rim of his ear when she passed by. His legs buckled almost bringing him to his knees. The low husky whisper still ringing in his ear sending the cold shiver up his spine.

“Eyes front, soldier,” she murmured only for him to hear. The tips of her fingers pressed firmer to the pulse on his wrist, brushing them lightly over it before stepping aside. The floral perfume she was wearing leaving the sweet teasing trail behind her.

For everyone else it looked like a simple accident. Like she only passed by him. But he knew better, and he only could pray to be strong enough to resist her act of seduction.

He could hear her walk out the door after Murphy and Dionne. Her heels clicked on the floor, fading in the distance, when he finally let out the breath he even didn’t realised he was holding. His body still vibrating from how close she stood to him. His pulse still quickened from the way her fingertips ran over it with featherlight calculated touch. And his legs still rooted to the place, while he turned his head to watch after Claire’s retreating figure, forcing himself to move after her. It took him only a few strides to catch up with her, slowing his pace and walking next to her. His mind racing, still focused on the moment they had just a seconds before. The moment when every cell in his body was vibrating from the feel of her body heat. But even with his mind racing, his sharp trained eyes now and then still slipped to look at her, noticing everything she wanted him to notice. Her hips swinged sensually, just enough to make his blood boil, but not enough to someone else to notice. Her chest rising and falling with every step she took. And every time when her lips parted, he could see the tip of her tongue running over her peach glossed lips with exhale. And when she turned her head finally meeting his intense gaze, he didn’t missed how her pulse picked up the speed and her pupils dilated. His lips quirking in the satisfying smirk noting, that he has no less impact on her than she had on him.

“Game on, babe,” he thought before leading her toward the private plane. The stoic mask once again put on his face.

The flight to the Kingdom of Pavadena was a nightmare. The nightmare he wasn’t sure how he survived or didn’t drag Claire to the nearest bathroom. He was dreaming to turn her around to face him. Dreaming to push her to the door, to press his lips to hers and to demand for them to open, while his tongue would slip inside swirling around hers and deepening the kiss. Kissing her hungrily as he dreamed of doing so many years ago... in another life. The picture of this still pulsing violently in his mind, while his hands gripped the handrests firmer, when the most alluring sound in the world slipped past, making him freeze. His eyes dilated becoming a shade darker. His nails dug into the cold leather of the seat and his teeth grind, while he desperately tried to keep calm. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see how she dip the piece of strawberry, as red and no doubt as delicious as her lips, into the whipped cream. Her tongue slowly darting in between of her parted lips, swirling it deliberately slowly around the tip, making Tatum almost growl shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Her lips wrapping around it with a moan, and her eyes closing before she finally swallowed the berry. It took everything in Tatum not to look at her, and not to meet her eyes. Stubbornly refusing her a satisfaction of seeing, what she was doing to him. And when he felt her gentle touch to his hand, it was as if a naked electricity wire hit him.

He thought that it will get better when he and Murphy were send to the back room to join other bodyguards. That finally he will be able to breathe. And yes it was... at first... and only for a little bit until the moment Claire joined them. And what a torture it became, when she did. Her bare hip brushing against his tigh. Staying pressed to him just for a second too long for it to be just an accident. Making him grow bigger and harder than he ever was. Her eyes meeting his, reading him as an opened book. Smiling at him with this smug smile, while she called his bluff, knowing quite well that she won this round. As if knowing that she didn’t just won a game, but also his heart. The fact that he would deny if confronted. The fact he must deny to protect her from her own mother. But oh well, if she didn't make it so difficult to do... so incredibly hard to resist her. Making his task a torture. A torture so much worse that the ones that were brought on him by the terrors of war.

His hand involuntarily dropped to his hip touching the place where her hip was pressed just a moment ago. The place that burned not only from her touch but also with a memory of the hot rod digging into his flesh.

He was suddenly pulled out from his thoughts to the present by the whiff of her floral perfume, and he could almost feel the heat that was radiating from her body when she moved closer to him. Her voice barely a whisper only for him to hear, accommodated by the ghost of the touch only for him to feel.

“Walk with me?” she uttered. Her voice almost a plea and he felt himself nod obediently despite knowing that this was a huge mistake and a trap he went into willingly. Only hoping that the sheer will of his would be enough this time to not give up to her wiles and to be able to keep his stoic demeanour.

They went in a silence for some time, the only sound that broke it was the sound of their synced breathing. Her body so close to his, that he could feel hers with every cell of his own body. Their hands brushing and their fingers unknowingly to each other aching to be interlaced together. Their eyes secretly following each other's movements, when they thought they wasn’t watched, longing and wanting to be closer. But knowing how impossible this wish was. Impossible... and ridiculous. Knowing that she is only his best childhood friend he was dreaming about for so long. Knowing that she would never see him another way with abyss of difference between them. Not knowing why she would play this game of seduction, while her heart wasn't in it. 

Soon they finally stopped at the dead end of the long hallway, where the lamps weren't as bright and the noice of the party was only a distant whisper. She slowly turned to him watching around before stepping closer, making his heart leap in his chest and his breath hitch. She lean in closer, giving him a chance to step back, letting him to bid her goodbye before going back to the back room, but he didn’t. As if rooted to the spot he could feel her body lean into his. Her hand squeezing his before she tip toe toward him, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. His hands involuntarily drop to her waist. His fingers brushing the edges of her bare back sending the current of electricity through her body, while her lips grazing lower pressing to the corner of his lips in a lingering kiss before stepping back. Her lips curving in the soft smile, while her cheeks flame, feeling shy for the first time this evening. Her heart rate peaking up, watching as Tatum flushed, raising a hand to cover the spot Claire’s lips were just a moment ago. Their eyes finally meet with so much emotions and their bodies vibrating from the longing for each other that was held back all these long and lonely years. His hands balling into fists trying to suppress the urge to grab her by her hips and pull her toward him. Trying to suppress the desire to kiss her hard on the lips. 

He held her gaze for a moment longer, the torment and desire clearly blazing in their eyes, but after a moment Claire reluctantly started to walk away. Her heart thundering treacherously with every step she took. Her hips swaying, making him watch her every move, making him throb in a confines of his trousers. Making him to want to run after her, to claim her lips, to claim her as his. The fantasy he would never be able to fulfill. The fantasy that will always stay only that... the fantasy.

Tagging: @jamespotterthefirst​ @choices-bound​ @i-bloody-love-drake-walker​ @openheartthot​ @ramseysrookiex​ @shaylan211 @annekebbphotography​

[shadows-of-the-night11]

Pieces. Pt 2 Kalex.

Hello, everybody. I’m back with the second part of this story so I hope you enjoy.

So I have a huge and special thank you to my beautiful and amazing Beta Reader @rafikis-niece She’s a Sunshine and you should check her blog.

So, here we go.

The first thing that Kara realizes when she’s conscious again is that she’s on the sunbed. Then the fact that she’s not alone in the room.

There are too many hearts beating and it takes her a second to understand that their owners are Lucy, Winn, James and Hank. They’re all there in a tense silence only broken by the distant sound of a machine that portrays Kara’s vital signs.

Lucy is holding Kara’s right hand while Winn holds her left. James is pacing restlessly and Hank is resting against the wall opposite to the bed. Kara doesn’t need to open her eyes to know.

It takes her a second longer to remember why they’re all there.

Reality catches up with her and it’s so painful that she can’t breathe for several seconds. Supergirl doesn’t open her eyes because maybe it’s all a nightmare and she has to wake up in another dimension that provides some comfort. Her senses are more than enough to key her into what’s going on around her and remind her that it is not a dream.

Kara can’t face the world. She can’t face that one truth yet.

Kara takes in a deep shaky breath that quickly turns into a quiet sob. She can’t avoid the salty tears rolling down her cheeks and she immediately misses Alex’s contact and the sound of her soothing voice. The pain in her voice is growing and she knows that no amount of Sunlight can help with that kind of pain.

She lets the tears fall because there’s nothing she can do to stop them.

Supergirl may be the strongest woman alive, but she doesn’t have that kind of strength. She can’t just accept what happened and keep moving forward. It’s never that simple and Kara can’t do it alone, not without Alex.

There’s a soft brush of fingers against her skin to get rid of a tear just for it to be replaced with a new one not a second later.

“Kara.” Lucy’s voice is soft when she calls her. “I’m sorry.”

It’s not Lucy’s fault or Winn’s or James’. It’s not Hank’s fault despite the promise he made to Jeremiah. Kara knows that they’re not the ones to blame so therefore it all falls upon her shoulders.

Supergirl doesn’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t moved from that arrow’s path but she knows that it would have been better than this.

Blue eyes open to take in the faces of the people she cares for. They are her friends and part of the family she created on Earth but there’s no comfort in them this time. They have no words that can numb the pain or put her mind at ease. There’s nothing they can offer to quiet the storm in her mind or fill the hole in her heart.

“I couldn’t say goodbye to her.”

Kara has risked her life more than a few times for humanity’s sake and she has refused to say goodbye to Alex every single time because there’s no way she could go and walk to her own death if Alex ever asked her to stay. But she always manages to send a last message, she finds a way to get a moment just to say her last words. She would tell Alex to be happy and start doing the things that she wanted to do instead of the ones she had to.

It’s a selfish thought but perhaps if she had gotten the chance to say goodbye and begged Alex to stay then Alex wouldn’t have left and everything would have been okay.

“What am I supposed to do?”

The answer is quite simple because the world still needs Supergirl and she won’t let another innocent person die if she has the chance to avoid it. She was sent to Earth to protect Kal El but she made her mission to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves and she accepted that destiny with her shoulders squared and her chin held up high. She accepted that life from the moment she took flight with the crest of the House of El on her chest.

Kara knows that life isn’t fair but, how can she handle losing her world a second time? How can she manage another day without the only person that made Earth her home?

Everybody needs Supergirl and everybody needs something from Kara.

Cat Grant still needs Kara Danvers to be her assistant. Winn still needs a best friend. James needs a confidant and Lucy needs someone to be there for her without lies and without conditions. However, it’s incredibly hard to think about a future, about a life, without her.

Kara can’t be Kara without Alex and her constant support.

If something went wrong Alex would be there to find a way out. She was always there for Kara with a pint of chocolate ice cream, movie nights, soft words of pride and love whispered over the phone and strong arms that would hold Kara up when everything was falling apart around her.

Kara is lost without her.

Lucy pulls Kara into a warm hug and for once Kara doesn’t sob. Her tears keep falling and the pain is still present in her chest but her mind is far away.

The world won’t stop even if Kara is suffering and life is cruel enough to take everything away from Supergirl a second time. It’s a hard pill to swallow but in that moment Kara realizes that she’s not the only one that has lost it all.

“What am I going to tell Eliza?”

Kara pulls back from the hug and runs slender fingers through her blond hair.

She knows the burning ache in her throat but there’s nothing that can help her swallow the guilt. This is the reason why she shouldn’t fly with Alex and why Kara Danvers should never have turned into Supergirl. She was willing to pay whatever price that responsibility came with, but in the end she’s not the only one suffering the consequences of her actions.

“This is not your fault, Kara.” James offers quietly.

Kara tries to keep her anger in check but it’s impossible when everything is so fresh and she’s trying to pick up the sound of Alex’s breathing even if she knows there won’t be one. Kara can’t help the hate that takes over her words with an almost deadly glare because she was not enough.

“Of course it is!” Kara clenches her fists before pacing in the room that suddenly feels too small and crowded. “That arrow was meant for me. I’m the one that acted without thinking and moved out of the way. I didn’t think about those behind me and now I have to deal with the fact that Alex is gone.” Kara finishes with a small broken voice. “She’s gone.”

“Stop it.” Hank calls and his voice echoes in the room. “You were struggling to stand on your feet and you did the best you could.”

Blue eyes meet Hank’s and Kara can see the pain dancing behind his stoic expression. He knows the truth as well and he understands Kara’s pain like no one else. They share a lost world even if it is not the same. They know how it feels to stand alone on Earth, trying to hide who you are; what you are.

“And it wasn’t enough.”

Kara doesn’t want to deal with people telling her that things are going to be okay. She knows that but it doesn’t mean that they’re right at the moment. Words do nothing to ease her pain or to wind down her guilt.

She knows better than most how it feels to lose everything. She knows the helpless feeling of watching a world explode and fade away with the stars. She knows the feeling of saying goodbye to loved ones and the suffocating feeling of words that ache as they leave lips to reach people that are not longer there. Kara knows. She knows about losing everyone until the rest of the world just stops and disappears and it’s hard to breathe.

This time she took everything from someone. Even if she didn’t want to, she took everything away from Eliza Danvers. She took her normality, her family, Jeremiah and then Alex.

Kara can’t stay there anymore and she makes her way towards the door. She passes Winn and Lucy but James is blocking the door and not moving anytime soon.

“You don’t know what could’ve happened to you.”

He is trying to be as gentle as possible but Kara wishes he could just shut up and let her go. There is a time for everything, for talking about feelings and grief and a time to just let the topic drop and Kara really needs some time off. She needs to breathe because she feels like dying.

“The arrow is alien and it could have killed you or at least have done serious damage to you. Look Kara, National City needs Supergirl more than we need anyone else.”

There’s a moment of silence.

Everyone freezes and stares at Kara because that was the wrong thing to say and they all know.

Kara’s eyes turn hard and cold and it reminds James of the incident with red Kryptonite.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She growls.

James realizes his mistake a little too late because there’s nothing he can do now to take his words back. He takes a step back instead, trying to put some distance between Supergirl and himself but he was blocking the door and now the door is blocking him too.

It doesn’t matter if Supergirl is more important than Alex for the world because this is not about National City or the millions of people out there. This is about Kara.

“I’m sorry.”

Kara doesn’t listen to his apology. It means nothing to her so instead, she walks past him and doesn’t really care if her shoulder brushes against his a little too roughly. She needs to get away from everything and try and forget reality for a short moment.

She already knows it’s impossible but she needs to clear her mind enough to take action.

“Kara, wait!” James shouts but Supergirl doesn’t stop. “Where are you going?”

“Come on, man. Just let her go.” Winn pulls him further into the room so he can’t follow Kara.

“What were you thinking?” Lucy questions him.

“He wasn’t.” Winn answers with a pointed glare directed at James.

Kara can’t even enjoy the feeling of the wind on her face while she flies. There is no peace in heights for her and soon enough her lungs are aching and her chest is so heavy that it threatens to pull her down. She gets away from National City and the sounds change until Kara can hear the sound of waves crashing on white sand.

The day is warm enough for a day out on the beach and things almost seem right.

It’s hard to believe that she was fighting an alien that morning and how things went spiraling out of control before noon.

The air is warm against Kara’s skin and yet she’s trembling uncontrollably. The beach is not her destiny but the place she has in mind scares her at the moment. Not because of what it is but because of what it means.

It doesn’t take long to see the Danver’s house in the distance and it makes Kara’s heart shatter all over again.

She’s doing this alone and her heart is beating madly in her chest. She wishes that Alex could be there, holding her hand, until she remembers the exact reason why she’s there.

That’s the place where Kara found a new beginning after losing it all.

There are so many memories held in there that Kara laughs and cries at the bittersweet remembrance. It’s been years since she landed there, with the mighty Superman by her side, and was accepted by Eliza as a part of her family. It’s been years since the first time she saw Alex through the window.

Kara descends and her boots make little to no noise but still the door opens before she can knock and she’s facing all her fears and regrets in the eyes of the woman that cared for her years ago.

“Kara, darling. Are you okay?” Eliza greets with sudden concern in her face. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry.”

It’s not like Kara can explain everything in one coherent sentence but she needs to apologize because her guilt is killing her and the truth is burning her alive. It hurts more than Kryptonite.

“I am so sorry.” She cries softly.

Eliza doesn’t have enough information to solve the puzzle in Kara’s words but she pulls Kara into a warm embrace because it’s all she can do for the superhero. She plays with golden tresses that shine under the sun and her touch feels like a soothing balm but also like salt pressed into a fresh wound.

“I couldn’t save her.” Kara mutters against Eliza’s shoulder.

“You can’t save everyone.”

It’s obvious that Eliza has not realized the meaning of Kara’s words. She doesn’t understand that Kara is talking about Alex. It’s so painful to be there, whispering the words that she refuses to believe. She has to tell the truth she’s trying so hard to deny.

Kara wants to keep it a secret as long as possible instead of shattering Eliza’s world once again.

“Honey, look at me.” Eliza holds Kara’s chin and lifts it until their eyes meet. “You may be Supergirl but you’re Kara too. Behind the cape and the glasses is an amazing girl that is brave and strong. You’ve done so much for this world with your kindness and you have no fear when it comes to protect those who can’t protect themselves. You’re a hero; cape or not.”

Kara doesn’t feel like a hero at the moment but Eliza is staring at her so hard that she wonders if Eliza can see right through her and if she understand the weight placed upon Kryptonian shoulders.

“You’re their hero, Kara. So be their angel. Be their monument. Be anything they need you to be...or be none of it. You don’t owe this world a thing. You never did.”

Kara crumbles then.

Fresh tears fall and she hits the floor with her knees. She can’t breathe and her eyes are burning. Her world is collapsing around her just like Krypton did years ago.

The floor beneath her feet is not enough to ground her and she desperately holds onto Eliza’s jacket.

“But I owe you. I owe you my life. I found a place in this world because you let me into your home and into your family.” Kara’s sobs break through her words but she needs to keep going and let it all out before she loses her courage. “I’m sorry Eliza. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save Alex.”

Of course Supergirl knows that she can’t save everyone. No hero is invincible. But she has saved so many lives over the last two years that she can’t understand how she wasn’t able to save the person she wanted to keep safe the most.

She would do anything for Alex and she would give anything to say goodbye.

“I’m sorry.”

She’s not talking just to Eliza. She’s asking for forgiveness and finding solace in the remnants of Alex that still live in that moment. She dwells on the past to find enough strength to keep going. She closes her eyes while thinking about the only person that lives in her heart and will remain there until the end of times.

“Kara.” Eliza calls softly.

Kara expects to see anger and hear grief but when she’s forced to look into Eliza’s eyes she witnesses forgiveness and yes, there’s pain but also a small smile that surprises her.

“Alex changed so much after you came into our lives. She had friends, yes, and yet we never met them. They never meant the world to her in the way you did. She would have given her life any day to protect you; to make you happy.” There’s a trace of regret evident on Eliza’s face as she continues, “I forced her into your life. I made her take care of you every single day because you were so afraid and everything was new to you but she accepted that and she loved you more than anything. Kara, I know that Alex doesn’t blame you for this. Don’t torture yourself.”

Kara is shaking because she knows Alex too. Maybe she knows sides of her that Eliza isn’t aware of because Alex would only let people see what she wanted them to see. And her barriers were always high around anyone but Kara. But Kara knows that Eliza is right.

“I can’t feel her, Eliza.” Kara whispered. “Every day I would listen to her heartbeat, we would talk on the phone or she would go to my place for movie night. And now,” Kara gestures wildly with her hands trying to explain without words but failing. “And now no matter how hard I try, there’s not a heartbeat to find. She won’t be picking up my calls and there won’t be more movie nights. I know that.” Kara’s voice breaks once again while she takes as much comfort as she can from Eliza’s presence. “It’s just...I miss her already.”

“You’re not alone, Kara.”

Eliza rubs her back in a soothing motion that eases her pain just enough to let her breathe.

“She’s right about that.” A male voice calls from behind and Kara doesn’t need to turn around to know it’s Kal El. “I’m here for you too.”

It takes just five words for Kara to freeze in place. He was never there for her; Alex was.

Her grief momentarily forgotten; she feels enough rage to make her eyes burn red. She steps away from Eliza and turns around with an expression that belongs more to Red Kryptonite Kara than the sweet girl standing in front of them.

“Where were you when I got here and you decided to leave me with the Danvers, Clark?” Her voice is low and cold. It leaves both Eliza and Superman shocked. “You left me behind because you weren’t ready! It wasn’t for my own good. I was scared. I didn’t know how to control my own body!” Kara walks towards the man of Steel with purposeful steps. “You went through something similar and you never thought that you could be able to help me?”

Kara stops when she’s face to face with her cousin and although shorter, she makes him feel so small. She’s angry but more than that, Kara is hurt.

“You wanted me to have a normal life, like yours. Yeah, a normal life where I broke a thousand spoons and forks because I was too strong. A normal life where I wasn’t able to silence the world and I could hear every single conversation going around me at the same time. Where were you when I went to school for the first time? Where were you when I learned how to pronounce English correctly? Where were you when I had nightmares about our world dying?”

Kara shakes her head and takes a single step backwards.

“No, Clark. You can be whatever you want. You can be this world’s God and savior, but you’re not my hero. You weren’t there for me when I needed you. I don’t need you now.”

Kara words are harsh but it’s what she feels at the moment. She has too many emotions bubbling to the surface and perhaps her anger is not his fault but she doesn’t need the flawless man to pretend to understand her pain. He can’t.

“I’m sorry Clark, but I lost the person that would hold my hand when I was too afraid to break another glass. I lost the woman that grounded me when I was able to fly but also the one that told me to follow my dreams. I lost the person that dared to protect me even when she was not bulletproof. I lost the person I loved the most and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Kara,” Clark called in the same condescending tone that James had used before. “You can’t shut the entire world out. There are moments where it doesn’t matter if you can or can’t and you just do.”

“And I’m doing it! I’m trying to find what is left of me without Alex. I can’t fly around Earth until it spins backwards and go back in time. That’s not how it works! So I’m trying to find enough will to let her go.” Kara wipes her tears angrily. “I’m trying to let her go, the person that was there when I lost it all.”

The hardest part of losing Alex is that Kara has to face the rest of her life without her.

It’s been hours since she heard that last beat and she’s already lost. After a battle like that there would usually be some time for them. They would talk about the mission, give each other comfort and spend the night watching silly movies or catching up on shows. It never mattered what they were doing if they were together and now that only Alex’s memory remains, all of that is gone.

There’s no way on Earth or in the universe that Kara is going to let her completely die.

Krypton is long gone but Kara holds onto the last remains of her homeworld. She holds onto those memories of the Red Sun, Rao, and the life she had with her family. She holds onto the memory of her father and the gentle voice of her mother. She closes her eyes and can hear the quietness of that world that watched her be born and grow beautifully. She can feel a body with no powers but full of energy and buzzing with happiness.

And she won’t let Alex go just like that. Not after everything they endured and all the moments they shared with each other. Alex is her family but more than that, Alex is a part of herself. Alex lives in Kara’s heart and mind and deep into her soul. Alex was and still is her light.

She wouldn’t be Kara without Alex. She wouldn’t be Supergirl either.

Kara can list thousands of moments where Alex was there for her. She has a million of reasons to be grateful with the DEO agent but those million reasons make her ache as well. She wants to leave everything behind and keep only the moments that belong to Alex but she can’t.

“I never needed you to be my hero, Superman. I needed my family and you weren’t there.” Kara floats a couple of feet above the ground but doesn’t fly away yet. “Alex meant nothing to me when I first came here but then; then she turned into my family and my hero.”

Kara doesn’t wait for him to reply before getting away from that place and heading back to the city with a sad final glance towards Eliza. Clark doesn’t try to follow and for that, Supergirl is grateful.

National City is quiet when Supergirl makes it back. There are no fires and no emergencies that she can detect with her super senses. It’s like every single person knows about her grief and is taking time to process what’s going on and what’s going to happen next. Everything is quiet and everyone is doing their best to give their hero some space away from any chaos.

It’s a shame because Kara could use a distraction of any kind but instead she finds herself in her flat. There’s darkness inside but it’s deeper than ever and she feels like this time her powers are not going to be enough to help her. For the first time in her life; Kara is cold.

She leaves the Supergirl costume behind and takes in the silence of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. She feels so small in this planet and so lonely.

Alex’s jacket is hanging on the back of the couch and Kara holds back a weak whimper. Alex forgot the jacket the night before with the promise to pick her up later that day.

There are many pieces and mementos scattered around the place that remind her of Alex. So many things that she never realized were even there. But she’s catching up with reality and it doesn’t hurt any less. She only aches more for Alex and her presence.

There’s mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer; Alex’s favorite. There is the faint smell of her perfume in the bedroom left behind from their sleepovers. The take out menu’s are on the coffee table; the Thai food one on top because it’s the last thing they ordered. Alex loved Chinese and pizza just like the next person but Thai was her favorite and Kara indulged her just to watch that smile only meant for the girl made of Sun and Steel.

There are so many living shadows on the floor; memories that make Kara smile and cry silently at the same time. There’s an emptiness in the flat but also in her heart that not even pizza or potstickers can fill. Not this time.

Kara slips her arms on Alex’s jacket and grabs the mint chocolate chip ice cream with her. She sits on the couch and turns the tv on letting whatever show is on the screen fill the silence of the night. She stares blankly at the screen, not paying attention to the world around her. Her mind is running faster than Barry Allen with a distinct lack of coherent thoughts on her mind.

She doesn’t know if an hour has passed since she got on the couch in front of the tv; not that she cares. Maybe an hour, maybe two or maybe only fifteen minutes but it’s more than the time she spent trapped in the Phantom Zone. It sure feels like an eternity.

She grabs her phone when the ice cream has melted completely and the show has ended.

Kara has texts from Winn, James and Clark but she isn’t interested in reading them at the moment. She doesn’t want to call Lucy or Eliza back after the 17 lost calls she received at some point. She’s looking for a particular name; the one that’s missing.

She presses the call button when Kara finally finds Alex’s name on her contacts, it’s at the top of her list anyway. She knows that she won’t pick up but she still hopes for it to happen.

It rings four times and it goes directly to the voice mail.

“Hey, this is Agent Danvers. I can’t take your call at the moment. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back whenever I can.”

Kara takes in the soft, distant voice. It’s the professional voice that Alex used while working and rarely used to speak to Kara. It doesn’t matter because it’s still Alex and it’s the only thing Kara has now.

“Alex, it’s me. Kara.”

Her hope shatters when the silence remains on the other side of the line and Kara burrows her nose in the soft leather of Alex’s jacket. She takes as much comfort as she can from it but it’s so hard to breathe that Kara needs to gasp before speaking once more.

“I miss you.”