#when i'm anticipating something like i am atm??

[shadowedresolve]

TOSHIRO. I WANT YOU.

[theemptyislost]

Hi!! I've been a quiet follower of your work for some time now (I'm pretty skittish about reaching out to other fans and creators, but it's not for lack of love or enthusiasm!) and that sentiment extends from haunt me, to your crown of madness series, and even your daily haarlep posts (which I did in fact look at a LOT when I was too busy with finals and school projects to replay the house of hope scenes to listen to haarlep monologuing)- the haarlep thirst got me down so bad and in a lot of ways your depiction of them in haunt me is responsible! like what was originally "aww, haha! bratty cambion and his lifelong partner in psychosexual warfare, how cute!" Went to "🥺🥺❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥" so fast it was emotionally jarring. I fell in love with them through your portrayal of them! And in the process, your tav too!

And all that is just to say I really appreciate your work and I saw a few of your update posts where you expressed worry about length and the ratio of hurt to comfort and I just wanted to drop in and say that you have readers who are with you for the long haul and that your mental health and not getting burnout takes precedence! I for one enjoy anything that you put out even if it's not writing and while I do anticipate your story, as a consumer to another consumer, you're putting all this work out here for FREE- like churning out actual *novels* in your own spare time (i checked and with the additional 20k from your prev haunt me is clocking it at over 100k now???? You're a BEAST for this in the best way possible) and that's not to be understated! You take however much time you need and tell your story how you want it told! there is no pressure at all, you no doubt got real life stuff going on and the fact that you're choosing to share your work with the world is something that fellow bg3 fanfic readers are so lucky to have, but are not entitled to! You are great and I'm rooting for you even if it's privately from the bg by being a huge lurker!

Thank you so much! I completely understand the skittish to reach out/lurker mentality. I think this is the first time I have been social in quite a while. BG3 has somehow got my introvert/semi-agoraphobic tush out again. 😊 So, I do appreciate you jumping out there and reaching out.

Your words are too kind, and they lift my heart. I am always happy to meet others who suffer the same affliction and love the menace...and are in the same Haarlep black hole that (I feel) is never ending! Haunt Me was initially supposed to be a one shot...and the intrusive thoughts regarding that au universe spiraled. I have the ending typed up already and its just moving all the idiots in that direction...its taking longer than I initially thought to flesh out all the details (so I appreciate your support and patience). The 'daily dose of haarlep' posts started as a daily mood booster, so I am glad you enjoy them as well!! 🖤🖤🖤 (I got a bit distraught when the posts of them started to dwindle a bit - but i understand that the fandom waves ebb and flow)

I promise my mental health has the endurance of one of those horrific cockroaches during a nuclear fallout. (The burn out from my MFA is over after tomorrow, for the time – so I can get back to basking in the glory of BG3 and the Fiends with you all fully)

You are making my dark soul blush and I appreciate your support!

Here is some more Haarlep as tribute! (I have not had time to draw yet, and photoshop game edits are swifter on the dishing out atm)

I also hope you are taking care of yourself and having a wonderful weekend.

(PS – I honestly did not expect anyone to like my Tav character – so I am glad she is a mini hit between the Fiend Sandwich) 😅🖤

[fnafawoundleftbleedingau]

Okay, um, they're all 3 written now, need edits and such and I gotta double check for typos and so on, but, they're together enough for when the next Remnants update happens. so, yay! Bur yeah, definitely feel like "What's Left" is the one I have the absolute weakest grasp on right now, so it'll probably be the fic out of the ones I have planned that takes me the longest to really get into and get rolling. Um, I know all of them will change quite a bit between these "pilot episode"/"Sneak peek" things, but, I feel that one just needs more cleaning up and planning than the other 2 do in my head right now. I kinda feel my writing focus waning kinda hard on me again, tbh, depending on how I'm feeling with AWLB part 2 once Remnants is done with, I may set aside a bit of time just to fiddle with AWLB part 2 more before it goes into posting mode, like, another couple month hiatus or something like I did between part 1 and Remnants. But idk yet, just havin' a lot of feelings about my writing and art and stuff lately.

So far, I definitely feel like "What's Left" is gonna be the fic that changes the most between this "mock up" opening chapter, and however the fully outlines and written fic. I also finally figured out a better way to describe these, think of them like, a "Pilot Episode" or something, an early concept that's put together as kind of a look into the idea, but that's bound to shift around and get shuffled and re-worked between these, and the final, full fic way later on.

[gotham-daydreams]

I'M ABSOUTELY SCREAMING AT THE SNEAK PEEK THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR SHARING AJSDLKFJASLKFJDASKLFJSDA

no because like this series is one of my hyperfixations atm and I keep coming back to reread Not Tonight and Not Here and linger on the blog and the sneak peek was so good!!! the anxiety and anticipation all bubbling together in my chest like some sort of sick halloween cocktail (in the best possible way)!!! The inner monologue about just taking advantage of the moment!! The realization of who's at the door!!! the anxiety of the whole city as something is wrong!!! Its so so so so so good thank you so much for giving us a teaser!!!! I can't wait for the next chapter!!!! (but also this isn't me trying to rush you please by all means take as much time as you need! If you waited until 2025 to post chapter three I would still be over the moon!)

I'm so glad!!!

I think the additions will also be nice for those who have read both the teaser and the official post when it comes out, so what you read there isn't just a whole copy and paste of what I've actually written. And you get a bit of insight into how that character feels in that moment, even if I didn't add it.

Though seeing how far along I am- I might post a second teaser when I'm almost finished, since the first half and the second-ish half are pretty different? With the second part being where the real angst kicks in- which if I do it right, may arguably be the heaviest ansgt moment of the series?? Which I only say that since- y'know, it's a direct face-to-face, in person kind of deal. (I wouldn't get my hopes up too high only because that's if I do it correctly. And I also don't want to disappoint you guys or anything, y'know?) Though I also might not, since I don't want to ruin or spoil the biggest part of the chapter- but again, that's if I pull it off.

We'll see- it depends! But I'm excited to give you guys the next part as well!!! And no worries, I won't be taking that long!

Even if I'm not exactly half way there (which, to be fair, it is a little difficult for me to determine where the half way point is since I've kind of 'divided' Part 3 into like, 7 parts????(with 3 of them already being done, and I'm working on the 4th bit right now.)), I'm almost to what I consider to be the biggest part of the chapter, since it's important, and where the angst really comes in. So we're getting there! And we'll see how long Part 3 ends up being as well from there.

Regardless, I'm happy you enjoyed and are so excited!!! Again, I'm excited myself to post the 3rd part, but that'll have to wait a lil bit longer. Though hopefully not too much longer!

[elvenbeard]

AAHHH!!! I *finally* got to play a little more Phantom Liberty today öahjsdföasklfasfhdfs

First I wanted to riot slightly cause GoG didn't find my install anymore (but rescanning folders did the trick).

Man OH MAN. I'm really just rambling about how fucking cool this game is below the cut, but beware of spoilers!!

"How the fuck do I keep ending up in these situations..."

I played all the way up to meeting Reed and agreeing to work with him back in the President's hideout. This was also the point up until I'd seen the gameplay at Phantom Liberty Tour back in August, but I also saw a loooot of new stuff o.o The demo back then started at entering the Stadium (when V walks through that area with cyberarms hanging from the ceiling) - stopped at meeting Myers in the crashed plane - continued at arriving at the hideout with her and then ended, as I said, with shaking hands with Reed.

SO. The whole "how do we get the president to the hideout" sequence was completely new to me AND MAAAN. That Chimera fight was so good like?? The whole setup and everything, I didn't expect such a big and epic boss fight so early on in the expansion at all, really sets the tone I guess xD First V gets his face bashed in by the President, then gets his ribs broken by this thing, things can only get better from here on. That whole section gave me such Bioshock vibes actually like... the Art Deco architecture the "amazing city that turned out so awful" vibes, it's impeccable, and I love it so so much. Really gotta take some time to properly explore everything (and now I gotta wait for Reed to call me back so, best opportunity).

I saw that thing under the tarp and was like "oh yeah, later on in the story this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass" - only that in this case "later" was "five minutes later" not "10 story missions later" as I anticipated XD

Also, I gotta say, I really don't trust Myers or Songbird much at this point with their intentions. I mentioned this previously... how convenient for Songbird to know to contact V via the Relic, but how the hell did she know about it in the first place, that he had it, where he was at, etc.? And then, in the Space Force One Wreck there was the shard with the answer! They knew about the Konpeki heist and two involved mercs through an informant potentially working at Arasaka. Yet, when I then deliberately chose a dialogue later on where V was like "yeah, I got Arasaka's Relic stuck in my head" Myers was all "oh, what really! how peculiar!". And maybe she really didn't know and I'm reading too much into it, but I'm really not liking her vibes atm at all XD (as a character though she's so cool, not at all how I'd picture a typical NUSA president, and I get the impression she doesn't really like the role all that much - I wanna read up on her background lore as soon as I'm done playing XD). AND. The shard on the plane specifically mentions Johnny on the Relic AND I'M CALLING IT NOW like I called it before, I BET they're really after Johnny's engram to do some experimenting with it for some fucked up Militech scheme. And in return V gets to live or some crap. URGH. I hope I'm wrong but I said it before "Phantom Liberty" (if you read it as in "a ghost that was freed" or "no real freedom") screams to me that this all boils down to something happening to Johnny in a messed up way in the end in exchange for V's life. Analogue to the Devil ending, but instead of Arasaka you have Militech/NUSA (if I'm wrong, please don't spoiler it to me, and if I'm right or close, please don't spoiler it either XD I wanna see just how far off I am myself XDD)

Songbird being MIA is hmmm... Not quite suspicious, but I'm wondering if she is still alive or maybe also doomed to be a construct now, but I'm really not sure. It would be kinda disappointing, I'd like to meet her in person still and am excited to see what she is gaining in all of this. I like the tragic "gifted criminal kid turned government asset" trope a lot and I'm curious to see how her story develops.

I'm also loving all the lifepath specific dialogues so much, I'm actually learning something new now and then about what Vince's Arasaka job was actually truly like at the core!

Also Myers roasting him for not having had a high enough security clearance to know about Reed xDD So rude! But I'm so so so curious how Ex-Arasaka agent with occasional homesickness to the corporate world and FIA-Sleeper agent with a big Arasaka-grudge are gonna work together o.o

I feel like, they're either really gonna see eye-to-eye very much or will continue to clash over and over and V is gonna come out as the loser at the end of this xD But currently, me as the player I'm trusting no one, and Vince as being caught up in all of this tries to play nice and be on everyone's good side but behind the scenes does not trust any of them one bit either xD It's really more a one hand washes the other kinda deal for him with no long-term obligations.

I'm also LOVING Johnny in all of this so far like... Vince and he don't get along that well most of the time for a variety of reasons. And so far, even though I got the Sun ending as my canon (as of right now), I feel like Vince acted more out of desperation than real trust or anything in going down that path and not any other. So I think Phantom Liberty *might* be the storyline that has been missing for me personally so far to really legitimize to myself that Vince would trust Johnny enough to let him take over his body for that last mission or go on a suicide run through Arasaka Tower with him. They are really seeing eye to eye on a lot of the stuff that's going on, both paranoid and suspicious, both not liking to swear any oaths or work for the FIA or anything like that. Bonding over their shared dislike for all the secrecy and scheming xD

Speaking of timelines, I found an ingame date for the 16th of June about an meeting Myers was to attend and another meeting scheduled for June 18th - sounding like the 16th is already passed at this point and the plane crash probably happening on the 16th or 17th or something like this... which completely throws my previously established timeline overboard :D But also stretches the canonical timeline a bit, if my assumptions are right, which would be nice and a lot more realistic than "like, a month, for all of that to happen". (For reference, in my timeline for Vince without PL I put the last quest on June 9th).

But that's only speculation ofc!

Then I also had my first vehicle gig for Muamar and omggg I loved this little convo with him so fucking much?? Like, this really built up his character so nicely, and the whole car stealing scheme would also be super down Vince's alley XD

And this exchange I LOVED sm:

Vince, car nerd surpreme, offering to fix the Cap's car, and Muamar's response: certain things I don't do halfway -> my clothes, my cut, my cars. Vince 100% seconds that sentiment XDD Like, so far I have to admit Muamar never really grabbed me that much as a character and I felt like he and Vince probably didn't have much in common. I was wrong XD

I also wanted to pay Mr. Hands a visit in his funky pyramid, but he wouldn't let me in yet. I'm so looking foward to finally playing his gigs now :D And seeing what else Dogtown has to offer in terms of stories and side jobs :o

Others mentioned it already, but I'm loving this place's design so so much... it feels like a different city altogether, the style of the buildings and everything is so unique and it's such a biiiig sprawling place o.o

And a random little thing I noticed, there's a lot of little cinematic moments now (the contextual removal of the HUD for conversations for example is such a good new feature). And occasionally the camera will automatically pan to interesting events or V's optics zoom in automatically - it was a bit weird the first time it happened but I really like it in a way? I noticed it during the part of rescuing Myers where you had to sneak past the huge Barghest drone (also such a good good moment, I'm loving all the stealth, parkour, and whatnot, the level design is *so good* hhhhh).

And finally, when I decided "okay, I'm gonna go to bed now" and was just about to close the game... I got a text message from Kerry I didn't know yet :DDD

(the fucking emojis with noses, Kerry pls, your age is really showing)

Like... I did not expect new texts from the LIs, and yeah, this got me really excited xD (and yeh I obviously had to read all the different outcomes and there *are* some differences depending on what you text back. I love it sm). AND. Then I called him. And there's new conversations about the events of PL too??? Hello?

Man I wish there was something like that for the other missions but obviously, with how late-game Kerry's romance is that sadly doesn't make much sense. So this is also something that made me tremendously happy (and also adds some new depth and bits and pieces to Kerry's character, which I'm always so here for XD). Exicted to see if there's more to talk about with him as the expansion progresses - I doubt it, but I'm ready to be surprised, maybe also by the other main NPCs that you're not in a relationship with.

That one V will definitely bear in mind for whatever is to come. Hhhhh I'm so excited!!

[grasslandgirl]

and fic writing questions! a) are there any motifs you're proud of/happy about/excited about in noble pining atm (like, could be mirrors or swords or vines or objects like that, or something more nebulous, like repeated dialogue or scene descriptors, etc.) and b) what's a challenge or problem you've had a fun time solving while drafting it, or that you're really proud of finding ways to handle? <3

a) so like. I realized far too late into the process of writing noble pining, after I'd realized how horrifyingly Long it was going to be, that I hadn't really anticipated or intentionally put any themes or motifs into it at that point? so as an insane person. I decided on a few themes I wanted to be intentional about that I thought were already present in the text, and like copy pasted relevant quotes I'd already written into a Google doc so I could keep track of them skfjbnskfjbn they kind of intersect, unsurprisingly, and its one of the points on my docket for editing to like. workshop integration and progress of the themes over the course of the story!!!

as for motifs uhhh. I don't really think so ?? not intentionally, anyway, like we could ask my betas uwu and bev if they've noticed any recurring themes or imagery or etc in their readings thus far but uhhh. no. this started as a silly goofy quick idea and then by the time I realized it was going to be the size and scope it was turning into, I had bigger problems ahead of me (like plot) to worry about, so stuff like motifs kind of got shoved by the wayside <//3 (maybe there are unintentional sav-isms?? probably. I'm sure I have common dialogue/scene/setting descriptors and tells that I'm unaware of that are all over this thing sfkjbnsfb)

b) ummm. so disclaimer I finished the first draft of np back in Feb (!! 25 chap 150k!!) and sent it off for beta'ing by the end of that month/beginning of march and um. haven't touched it since? not that I haven't gotten what I'm sure is lovely valuable feedback from my beloved treasured betas I just. haven't had the inclination or the spoons to start editing or working on the second draft of it. YET! I will. eventually. at some point I'll buck up and start on it, which will be the hardest part skfjbnskfjbnsf. so like. there isn't really anything Ive done Yet to be proud of, given that I haven't started editing actually, but I am proud of myself for like. figuring out the plot of it all?? I feel pretty damn good about the beats of the whole thing, which as someone who has NEVER even attempted writing anything this long or involved before was like. a huge impressive step for me! the other longest thing I've written was my d20 big bang fic from back in '21 and like. that was little more than 20k iirc?? and I got so stuck on trying to figure out the plot I wanted or how to make it work that I like. ended the fic BEFORE the plot climax so I didn't have to figure it out. so like. coming up with what I think is a pretty good plot arc and character arcs and individual and group beats and some politics in there and etc etc etc for this au. I'm proud of that <3 I hope when I read my feedback my betas will tell me that it works and that it isn't awful and bad. skfjbnskfjbnskfnj <333

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Four, part 4

That had been on Monday. Six days ago. It felt like it was a whole different time period, yet somehow that it just happened. Sitting here, in the early morning dark royal purples, time didn't matter. My heart finally caught up to itself and my breathing came easy. Soon enough I was asleep again.

* * * *

I had maybe an hour or so before Addison would be here. We had decided on some place I've never heard of called Atomic Cafe. I ended up making her pick where, because I don't know shit for vegan places. According to Addison, this place had a great menu, featuring vegan and omnivore foods. And although I was thankful it did have other options, I would've been fine with a place that just served vegan or vegetarian foods. i was so thankful she had picked something. I would've never figured it out.

I was out in the backyard, chain-smoking and pacing along the small and neglected lawn. Most of the gross was brown and dead, and soon the earth would reclaim its place, and this would all be dirt. It wasn't our fault. it was already crappy when we first moved in. And the landlord never tried to blame us for it. I guess we had a pretty good landlord. He wasn't a slumlord and if something went wrong, you better believe he be there.

A nervous, panicky energy was flowing through me, riding the highways of my veins. It made it impossible to sit still, for even just a second. Trust me, I tried. The power plant inside of me held me tight from the moment I woke up this morning. I tried every distraction I could, from playing video games to walking around the block. Nothing helped.

Not for the first time, I panicked and wanted to call her and cancel. Somehow I was working through it. I think knowing I couldn't fuck this chance up was more of a help then a hindrance. I was freaking out, yeah, that was true, but I was freaking out alone. Maybe I'd get it all out of my system. This, of course, was just wishful thinking.

I paced, making a trail in the dead grass. Back and forth, back and forth. I tossed a cigarette butt off into the alley behind the house. Tom usually parked back here, but he wasn't home.

It seemed I was looking at my phone every minute. At least that's what it felt like. In all reality, I don't think even a full minute would pass before I would check it again. I'd look at the screen in some word form of hope and desperation.

Anticipation plus high anxiety is like being made entirely of electricity. It wasn't really that horrible of a feeling. Actually, it was kind of nice. And oddly exhilarating. I couldn't tell you why though. I could almost feel the bolts in my fingertips. I looked around quick, making sure no was looking at me, or around. Then I tried to use Force lightning because I am geeky kid in a punk frame. It did not work, just in case you were wondering.

I stopped pacing, tossed my half full cigarette into the alley, and headed back inside. I headed through the house, moving fast to get to my room. Dennis's gunshots were bleeding into the hall, like normal. I checked to make sure I had everything I needed. I didn't really need all that much. My wallet, which I wore chained cause I won't let that image fade away, my phone, cigarettes, lighter and keys. That's it. Four things. I had already hit the ATM earlier in the day.

My laptop sat open on the bed. I dropped myself next to it, grabbing it and clicking on to Facebook, for the millionth time that day. I had nothing from anybody, so I just sat their scrolling and looking at the clock every few seconds. Chad suddenly was online.

CHRIS: What's up?

CHAD: Not much. Isn't today your date?

CHRIS: In about a half hour.

CHAD: Ah, that makes sense.

CHRIS: I'm a fucking ball of lightning right now. I even tried to use Force Lightning.

CHAD: Lol, for real? CHRIS: Yeah, in the backyard.

[hughungrybear]

TAG 9 PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER

I was tagged by @dribs-and-drabbles. 😄 Thanks!

THREE SHIPS

If this means the top three ships that I lost a considerable amount of sleep over, then (in no particular order):

Kongpob and Arthit from SOTUS and SOTUS S

Pat and Pran from Bad Buddy

Kang Seo Jun and Han Ji Woo from To My Star and To My Star 2

Ofc, honourable mention goes to the couples in My School President since my entire Tumblr profile is currently full of them lol 😅😅😅

FIRST SHIP

I assume this only means in BL. Does a ship from yaoi manga count? Then it would be Takano Masamune and Onedera Ritsu from Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi (World's Greatest First Love). I used to anticipate the release of the English translations just so I could squeal in secrecy 🫣🫣

LAST SONG

This Spotify playlist is currently on shuffle and continuous repeat lmao.

LAST MOVIE

It is a non-BL. I just watched Tremors (1990) via Amazon Prime. For some reason, I like streaming old movies more than watching new releases. I think it's because I don't like crowded places (and the hassle of hauling my introverted ass to the nearest cinema). Also, most old movies are awesome. So, there's that.

CURRENTLY READING

Right now, I am halfway through Simon Sinek's Infinite Game. Before that, I was reading My Love Mix-Up! manga (Volume 5). A week before that, the Grandmasters of Demonic Cultivation (Volume 2). After Sinek, I would probably read Walter Isaacson's Innovators next. I don't really have any real aim when I pick a book to read other than having something to do during my downtime lol 😅

CURRENTLY WATCHING

My School President (obviously), Moonlight Chicken, Never Let Me Go (I'm staying for Chopper and Ben), My Tooth Your Love (I haven't finished this yet), Carnival Row (coz I'm a sucker for mystery fantasies), Jack Ryan Season 3, My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom, Classroom of the Elite, and Spy x Family (whew!)

CURRENTLY CONSUMING

Atm, it's brekky in my part of the world. Thinking of re-heating some leftover pizza from dinner and eating it with some Mama Instant Cup Noodles (Shrimp Tom Yum)

CURRENTLY CRAVING

Sashimi. I will always crave sashimi. There will be no moment that I won't crave sashimi. 😅😅😅😅

ONWARD TAGS

Not sure if you guys have already done this, though

@lost-my-sanity1 @midnight-sun16 @seeking-moonscapes @queersouthasian @miscellar @panickedbisexualwatchesbl @7nessasaryevils @ablazenqueen @charthanry

[somewhereinthepines]

I was just thinking about the food I'm gonna be having within the next few days, and it got me thinking about 'cooking with chris' on the counsellors router in the game. I can't remember where it is. It might be in the kitchen? It's just their tasks, and cooking with Chris was on it. I remember you mentioning something about Chris cooking for Ryan in a scenario previously. So, what would he cook for him? Ryan is a bit of a picky eater in your canon, and Chris is pretty attentive to what he likes in both ASB and Gp, I'm assuming. I have no idea what Ryan would actually want to eat. Idk when Chris would make food for Ryan, but maybe later when the others are in their cabins or at the fire pitt? I liked that in GP, Chris took Ryan out to eat, even though it was spontaneous, and Ryan didn't want to go. There's just something about Chris looking after and proving for Ryan that's quite pleasing to me.

It'd be cute to imagine them sitting down together, just the two of them having a home cooked meal by Chris, and just enjoying it & eachothers company. Their complexities would make the situation interesting, too. Ahh, it's quite fun to imagine different scenarios. Although, I must say I am a bit stumped about how the next part will play out. I know Ryan's gonna do something, that's as clear as day, but it's Chris that's got me on edge, haha. You're quite good at setting the scene, the mood, and building anticipation. But yeah, it's not knowing how Chris will possibly react that has my brain in a knot. Especially because we only have Ryan's perspective, he doesn't know what we know. Meanwhile, Chris could be thinking, maybe planning and feeling anything, and we have no idea — and Ryan is clueless about it. Ahh, it's just so good! Haha, sorry I ended up talking about one thing, then talking about another the next.

my memory about the game is kinda rusty atm, but it’s not hard to see chris doing smth like that. esp bc he does come off as fatherly kind. he would want to teach the ‘kids’ how to cook for themselves. but picturing someone like, i dunno, jacob being in the kitchen is endless comedy to me. i don’t think, that he can cook for shit. or emma even. as for ryan, he surely can make smth edible. i imagine, that he’s the one, who made his sister’s lunch and breakfast for the majority of their lives, so it’s not like he cannot cook for himself. he prob just won’t bother doing it. he comes off as chips & soda, & whatever-else-i-can-eat-without-cooking kind of kid. 

i think, that chris knows it, and would try to see what exactly ryan likes. he would start with smth simple like pancakes, bc most people love those. or maybe, he can make him some good ole toast and steak. or see if ryan likes some specific cereals. it would take him a bit to figure out ryan’s preferences, since it’s not like he won’t eat it, but he might not necessarily love it. it has a lot to do with his upbringing. i hc that his grandparents are pretty ‘conservative’, so i imagine that when his grandma cooks, it’s basically whatever she did for everyone, they should eat. food is food. kinda in a similar vein in how it prob was for chris too. naturally, he would like to avoid doing smth like that to his own kids, or ryan. but i picture, that ryan’s fav food be smth like apple pie or maybe a very sweet dessert, that people won’t suspect him loving, bc he’s all doom & gloom, so he must be into idk, energy drinks and tasteless food. but in reality, he likes sweets. mostly baked ones. 

and yeah, ryan’s appetite is really bad in GP, tho it’s this way for a reason. he doesn’t know it yet, and since he had a tendency to low-key neglect his health, he doesn’t look into it too deeply. chris suddenly decided to feed him, on top of already paying too much attention to how often he eats, well, it was weird and a bit annoying from his point of view, i think. esp bc he legit didn’t want to eat anything, it cannot be helped. i also think, that since ryan isn’t used to being cared for by an adult to such an extent, it makes him feel slightly uncomfortable, bc he doesn’t fully know how to respond to it. besides, in his situation, he’s not a kid per say, he’s an adult too, even if young one. so his mentor buying him dinner would make him question things. like is this a friend's lunch. or does chris literally see him as a child, that he’s not. 

as for the next part, all that i can say is that ryan literally sleepwalking into a lion’s den. or well, wolf’s one. GP generally be darker, than ASB, when it comes to certain themes. not only chris in GP is way less ‘noble’, but ryan also packs a surprise or two. and aw, thank you! i love the tension in writing. or well scenes, that make you wonder what and why, and if what you think will happen or not. horror/thrillers are esp good genres for it, and i kinda always try to keep the horror/suspense elements in my supermassive works. and it works very well with this game/pair too, bc chris is technically, an antagonist of the series. he’s a hungry wolf, even if he tries very hard to control his urges. and yup, i kinda really like how the reader will always know more, than ryan does. so certain things will make sense to you way more, than they do to him. i will prob make one chapter from chris’s perspective, bc after a certain point, shit gonna hit the fan hard and who knows what will happen. ryan certainly doesn’t.  he’s about to bite more, than he can chew. 

and no worries! i’m glad, that you still interested in that story, despite me taking a long break from it. 

[one-abuse-survivor]

I'm the moving out anon hahah I'm 2 days into being in my uncles house and its crazy emotionally atm😅 i mean i feel so safe and he doesnt shout?? he asks nicely if he wants me to do something and like REALLY doesnt care if i make a mess? and doesnt care if i nap?? all things that would make my parents go ballistic hahha. yesterday I made some chicken and pasta for the first time ever and i dont really know how to work a cooker/stove thing nor am i too confident around boiling water lol (mum never let me do these things) i was throwing the pasta in the pan cos i didnt wanna pour it and get the water on me and he was in there and he just..didnt care that i was missing a lot lol like at all. he knew i was gonna clean it up hahha but i didnt do too great with the food i forgot a lot of things cos the time constraints of the food was making me kinda panic a little so i think ive gotta do some extra beginner stuff 😂😂 when he comes in my room he knocks and talks at a normal volume or quieter, and its just so relaxing. when we are going out shopping or smth, he sets a time then leaves me alone then comes in my room at the time and is calm af the whole time and we set off and hes just calm??? idk i feel like its a whole shock to my system atm hahaha im waiting for the other shoe to drop constantly even though i trust him enough to never be like that (like ever its not his thing to be explosive lol) will i get used to this in time? im sleepy a lot too like just exhausted hahah its crazy but these are 'normal' reactions, right?

Hi, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply. I'm so glad you were able to move in with someone who is so calm and who can provide you such a safe and normal space to live in!

This shock you're describing is really common when you've been abused, and when you have PTSD in general. It's like your body just cannot compute with the feeling of safety, and has to constantly anticipate the moment when the other person will finally snap, because that anticipation is the only thing that has kept you safe till now.

It does get better, though, and I hope it has for you since you sent this ask! Time, as well as more and more moments when the right people show you that they're not going to explode no matter what, will eventually, slowly teach your body that it doesn't need to be hypervigilant to be safe. Therapy can help, too, and just being aware of what you're going through and being patient with yourself can make a huge difference.

I've personally found that I have to repeat this process almost every time a new authority figure appears in my life. This can be really frustrating, and scary, because the feeling of fear and hypervigilance you thought you had overcome suddenly comes rushing back. But it does get easier over time, and there will come a day when you'll naturally expect people to be kind and respectful, and when the opposite—aggression and disrespect—will feel shocking and unexpected.

Hope you're doing well! Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

[baked-hylian]

Tagged by @hirazuki -- thanks buddy!

1.Three ships?

Two off the bat are Wangxian from MDZS and Hualian from TGCF, the third would be Zelink from the LoZ franchise.

2. First ever ship?  

Zelink was baby Carl's first ship

3. Last song?

In the Backroom by Syudou I will die on the hill that it's the best song used for the endings in the csm anime

4. Last movie?

Sonic the Hedgehog on Netflix, I really am not up to date on movies much anymore

5. Currently reading?

Well I literally just finished the second book in the Burning Kingdoms series, The Oleander Sword, by Tasha Suri. Now I'm currently on re:Zero volume 20.

6. Currently watching?

I've been rewatching Naruto. So much Naruto. Way too much Naruto tbh in less than six months I've plowed through the first part and most of shippuden (on episode 367 meow.) Although it helps that I'm skipping episodes that only contain filler content.

Started the new Trigun reboot and I really enjoy the use of CGI in it so far, tbh it's way better than I had anticipated and arguably, I think it looks better than the current Berserk reboot. However the pacing in the new Trigun feels, a little whack at times.

I'm also slowing watching The Untamed, as I can't get enough of Wei Ying and the actor playing him does such a wonderful job (same with Lan Zhan's actor)

7. Currently consuming?

Water

8. Currently craving?

The motivation to repot my one plant that is in desperate need of being removed from the terra cotta one I got it in before it dries out entirely because I can't be bothered to ever to remember to water it regularly.

____________________________________________________

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

Rules: answer the questions and tag fifteen mutuals.

1. Are you named after anyone?

A soap opera character, Days of Our Lives iirc

2. When was the last time you cried?

Last night because I was laughing so hard at my cat being stupid about something (this is a regular occurrence with her)

3. Do you have kids?

I mean, if you count the kind that walk on all fours and bark or meow at you? Then two.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I've never used sarcasm once in my life, ever.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their body language and how they carry themselves

6. What’s your eye colour?

Atm, a like blue-y green-y grey-y mess, with a hint of orange. Usually just depends on the lighting but I've never had a consistent results

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Horror movies

8. Any special talents?

Stupid luck. I don't win contests, or prizes, but I have the best luck when it comes to procrastinating something and still getting it done with the results I needed just in the nick of time. Getting my driver's license is a good example as it was only a week out from expiring after my booked drive test. Which I booked during covid, and when everyone was struggling to get booked within a reasonable amount of time, but I managed to luck out with the one time slot left available in my city.

9. Where were you born?

Canada

10. What are your hobbies?

Writing, reading, annoying my cat

11. Have you any pets?

We established earlier that these are my children, one cat and one dog

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I used to be pretty good at volleyball, but I was short and could barely spike the ball past the net, so I didn't make the team after the first year.

13. How tall are you?

About 5'4''

14. Favourite subject in school?

Writer's craft. It was the creative writing course offered at my school, but I mainly liked it because I had spare before it so I would always go home and get stoned before coming back to write lol

15. Dream job?

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be an author. It's something I still kinda struggle with due to something stupid that was said to me when I was 12, but I'm overcoming that.

I tag whomstever wants to do this! Because I don't have enough mutuals for it

[sigridhawke]

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

[Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask]

Deep diving I see! I will try my best to answer 💪💪

Thank you for the ask!

[me coming back after typing it all out lmao] This got so much longer than anticipated so putting it under the cut ✨✨

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

⁃ Fantasy is probably an obvious one, I'm a big fan of fantasy settings especially if it involves dragons. In similar lines when it comes to fantasy, I love looking at I guess common interpretations of mythos/fantasy and seeing what kind of personal spin I can put on it and explore. I think something that is going to explore that most or most blatantly is my original story Crimson (placeholder name) aka unnamed dragon princess and wyvern story to which I'm now bringing a lot of old characters of mine back into as well to really flesh out and explore a self indulgent world. I hope to share more progress on it and the world building in the near future as I flesh out the world before diving back into writing.

⁃ Personal experiences is another, most times I find some event of character interaction that allows me to draw on my personal knowledge and experience for better or for worse. While majority of the time I am writing for myself I still want it to evoke some kind of feeling. Spoilers for Leather and Linen but Atem's death scene, in particular his final moments was drawn from losing my grandfather to cancer. While I wasn't there in his final moments I was informed of certain things and it has always stuck with me. Sometimes these stories are a way for me to make a scene feel more real, or at least try to, I guess other times it's a way for me to immortalize a moment or work through feelings.

⁃ In addition to that most of what I write tackles mental health in some kind of way and also queer experiences and/or romance. Mostly the romance. As a demiromantic I love the progression of relationship and connection and support and falling in love, I find it such a magical thing and enjoy writing about it thoroughly, especially I guess the complexities I myself have gone through as an ace individual although it wasn't really until Leather and Linen too funnily enough I let myself lean hard into the ace experience with Definition of Love which was a little jarring but something I wanna write more of too. Also polyamory whenever I can with my faves lmao looking at Shuraig/Albaz/Ecclesia fic I’m writing atm ahhhhh.

⁃ On less deep notes lol, I think small gestures, particularly hand holding is something that pops up a lot in my stories too. Gentle touches, reassuring touches, if there's and kind of friendship/relationship there's probably touching.

⁃ And many friends would probably hound me if I didn't say I'm a sucker for angst with happy ending. The amount of times I spam the 'I can endure any pain as long as it has meaning' meme is beyond compare haha. I do love me some good angst, but I also don't like being sad at the end of a story so it's gotta be happy (it can be bittersweet) but it has to be happy in some way or I will lose my mind.

⁃ Oh and self sacrifice. I've you've ever seen pullea magi madoka magica, the whole situation of homura going back in time over and over to save madoka. I have a massive bias for this apparently. Intentionally or unintentionally this happens a lot in my writing too.

⁃ Less of a theme and more of a habit, 9 times outta 10 I HAVE to have a floor plan for an area, especially if stuff takes place in a house. It does my head in if I don't know what can be seen from point A in a household if things are happening. I have a whole floorplan for Atem's tomb in Leather and Linen and a floorplan for the Kame Game house for Divine Dragon AU dkfbsjsdg.

There's probably more things but this is already getting super long so we'll leave it here for now :'DD

[Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask]

[summerwritesfics]

🌾Earthrealm Valley, Chapter 1 - Into The Valley

Pairing: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang Length: 1774 Words Rating: Mature Warnings: Stardew Valley AU, Fluff, Angst, Slice of life, Slow Burn, This fic runs on Stardew Valley logic so please don’t expect realism in any form

Earthrealm Valley Masterlist Notes: Me: hmm, I have plenty of fanfic projects I really don't need any more. Also me: SubScorp Stardew Valley AU, SubScorp Stardew Valley AU, write it write it write it. So yeah ^^;; I picked SV back up a few days ago after not playing it for ages, with a new save file where I'm basically roleplaying as Kuai Liang (you can read about some of his adventures on my tumblr) and hellbrain basically badgered me into this ;0; I have some idea's of what everyone's doing, it's not going to be a 1:1 where you can look at a character and say "oh they've replaced [SV Character]" but you may be able to make some comparisons. I don't want to just directly copy SV, but explore what the MK cast would be like in such a different environment. It's mostly gonna be fluffy slice of life stuff, but given this is me, there will be some angst here and there. Also Kuai is far more feral than this first chapter makes him seem, like he's gonna get more unhinged as the fic goes on and he gets used to farm life XDI am trying something a little different in this fic. I usually write really long essay length chapter's in long fic, so this is an experiment in writing shorter chapters. Also, theres a piece of art at the beginning of this chapter, but don't expect illustrations for every chapter. I got a new ipad and procreate so i'm just going a little ham with it atm XD

The bus rattled around Kuai Liang as he lent his head against the cool glass of the window. He hadn't anticipated how long this journey was, it was already early evening and he’d set off around midday. The sun was still up, but it wouldn't be for too much longer. Despite how tired he felt, he was also at ease.

Strange, considering he was about to completely change his entire life in a single day.

His hand in his pocket brushed against the envelope given to him by his Grandfather so many years ago. He hadn't thought about it much after he’d been given it, especially since he was told he couldn’t open it right then. He was sat in his small office space at Joja, crushing emptiness building inside, from both the job and the circumstances of his personal life, when the words his Grandfather had said in his last moments rang through his mind. That he should open the envelope when he needed a change in his life.

He hadn't expected the envelope to include the deeds to a farm.

Lin Kuei farm was a very distant memory for Kuai. He remembered his brother and himself spending a few summers there with their Grandfather. He was always fascinated by the farm, having fun playing in the fields and helping his Grandfather with his crops. He remembered declaring he wanted to be a farmer too when he grew up, while Bi-Han, ever the overdramatic asshole, declared he's rather be anything else. That was probably why the farm was left to Kuai and not his big brother.

Not that it really mattered, given Bi-Han couldn't have an opinion on such things anymore.

His heart hurt just thinking about it.

It wasn't something he could just push aside either. It was partially the grief from the loss that made him decide to move onto the farm. Was it a little reckless to abandon everything you knew for something that may not work out? Yes, or at least, his best friend Tomas certainly seemed to think so. However he'd come to the realisation he was miserable, and if this reckless decision could lead to happiness and healing, it was worth the chance. He wished he hadn't left the city on such bad terms with Tomas, but maybe after Kuai had been on the farm awhile, and nothing terrible had happened, Tomas would come around.

"Hey, bud, just so you know, Earthrealm Valley is the next stop!"

Kuai lifted his head, and called out to the bus driver, "thank you!"

He grabbed this suitcase and backpack and began to make his way to the front of the bus. He could see the bus stop through the window, and seconds later the bus came to a stop and the doors swung open.

"Have a good evening," Kuai said to the driver with a short bow, the other man just offering a short nod, before Kuai turned away and stepped off the bus. The door closed behind him, and the engine started, and the bus was off.

"Hey there," a voice called and Kuai's gaze snapped over to a man lent up against a fence. "I'm going to assume you are Kuai Liang?"

"I am," Kuai said, trying to not sound confused as he approached, dragging his luggage behind him.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Jackson, but everyone calls me Jax," he explained, holding out his hand to Kuai. "I'm the local carpenter, Mayor Raiden asked me to wait for you and help you take your luggage to the farm."

"Oh. That's very kind of you," Kuai exclaimed, reaching to accept Jax's handshake. "It's nice to meet you too."

Jax smiled and went to take Kuai's suitcase. Once he had it in hand, Jax turned to show Kuai the way.

"Raiden's waiting for us on the farm," Jax explained, as Kuai quickly glanced around. He vaguely remembered this area from his childhood, but it had changed a lot since then. More trees and a nicer fence, he remembered the old one being rotted. Kuai wondered if this was some of Jax’s work. "It's been abandoned for as long as I've been here, so it's nice to see someone take it on."

"I just hope I can make something with it," Kuai answered, he could see the gate at the end of the path. He remembered when he was young, he refused to open it, instead electing to clamber over the top. The thought made him smile, especially his Grandfather exasperated reaction every time Kuai did so. His Grandfather used to call him an accident waiting to happen. Kuai had to admit he was amazed he had never managed to seriously injure himself over the years.

"Well, if you find you need any repair work, or hell, want to build new buildings, come find me and I'll see what I can do for you," Jax offered, as they reached the gate. Kuai curbed every instinct to climb over it. He was weird, but figured he should wait a few days before really revealing the extent of his weirdness. People were often put off by his oddities and quirks.

"I'll keep that in mind, thank you." He opened the gate, holding it for Jax to walk in, before following himself.

As he stepped onto the grounds of the farm, he wasn't entirely sure what to expect. It certainly wasn't this however.

The farm was sadly in a state of disrepair, years of neglect after his Grandfather's death and Kuai couldn't help but feel bad that he'd left it this long to come. There were weeds everywhere, overgrown trees, rocks an other debris. It would take some work to clear everything, but Kuai was nothing if not willing to at least try.

"I left you some spare tools by your door," Jax offered, "just some basic stuff, but should be enough to get you started. I'm sure if you talk to the blacksmith, Kung Lao, he'll be able to upgrade them for you."

"That is very generous of you. Thank you."

Kuai turned his attention to the old farm house. It was definitely looking a little past it's best, but in his hazy memories it still looked almost exactly like he remembered. He smiled to himself, a strange feeling coming over him. Not just nostalgia, it was something more.

Like he'd finally come home.

He hadn't even noticed a man sat on the porch until he started waving Kuai and Jax over. As they got closer, Kuai realised he did recognise the man, if only barely. He looked a lot older than the last time they had met however.

"Kuai Liang?" The man greeted, pushing himself up and reaching to take Kuai's hand in his to shake. "I'm Raiden Narukami, Mayor of Dragon Town. You've certainly grown up since you were last here, I don't suppose you remember me."

"Just barely," Kuai confirmed, feeling slightly justified with the smile this elicited from Raiden. He hadn't really put two and two together when talking on the phone. Kuai could just about remember his Grandfather and Raiden sat on the porch drinking wine while Kuai convinced Bi-Han to help him pet a chicken. "You were a close friend of my Grandfather's if I remember right?"

"Yes, Qiang was a dear friend of mine." Raiden looked wistful for a moment, looking out across the land. "This farm was his pride and joy. It is a shame it has fallen into such a state of disrepair." He sighed and turned his attention back to Kuai. "I am glad that it has finally moved on to new hands. I'm sure you'll do your Grandfather proud."

"I hope so." He really did. And at the very least he'd try his best. He knew his best was always good enough for his Grandfather.

"Speaking of," Raiden began reaching to pull out a set of keys. He handed them to Kuai Liang, "those are the keys to the house, I made sure the bed was at least useable although the rest of the building may need further renovation."

"You made sure?" Jax teased, elbowing Raiden's side. "As I recall it was me who put it together."

"Well I suppose you helped," Raiden mumbled while rolling his eyes. Jax began to cackle. "As I was saying, hopefully you'll at least have a comfortable night. You do look rather exhausted, so maybe we should leave you to settle in and get some rest."

"Yeah, that may be for the best," Jax agreed, clapping Kuai on the back. "But be sure to stop by town tomorrow. The news of someone new has gotten everyone rather excited."

"I will do, thank you both for your kindess." Kuai gave a short bow in thanks, adding "I will see you both tomorrow."

The two other men waved before they began to walk away. Kuai watched them unhook the gate and leave. Once they were gone, he reached for his suitcase and headed towards the door. It took a couple of tries to get the key in the lock right, but once he'd done it, the door swung open with a loud creek. He peered inside.

The place had definitely seen better days, and he was already planning how to best utilise Jax's services. Still he stepped inside, putting his suitcase down before turning back out to grab the tools left for him. After he'd gathered them and brought them in, he closed the door behind him. It was almost pitch black if not for the few rays of light seeping through the cracks, and the building didn't seem to have any lights. Something I'll have to talk to Jax about.

In the dark he spotted a small package on the floor. It was giftwrapped and laying there innocently. He slowly walked over to it, picked it up. The gift card read "Here's a little something to get you started - Raiden". Kuai pulled back the wrapping, to find several packs of turnip seeds inside. He'd have to plant those tomorrow.

For now, he placed them on the table, and walked over to the bed. As he settled down, he realised the bed was probably the sturdiest thing in the place. He'd have to find a way to thank Jax for preparing this for him. Hopefully he likes turnips.

Exhaustion was settling into his bones however, sleep a siren calling to him from the deep. He closed his eyes, as he felt himself begin to succumb to his tiredness. Before he slipped into unconsciousness, he had one final thought.

I wonder what the future will bring for me.

≛❀≛ Next Chapter ⋟

[abuzd]

hi dogwood, first i wanted to say there's no pressure to answer this, and i am not going to dump all the details on you, this is just a question from someone who's also undergone trauma and isn't sure who else might have tips atm (if you don't feel comfortable answering and can redirect me to someone else who'd know about the topic, that's fine!)

i have a traumaversary coming up and i was wondering what helps with handling them? i currently don't have any friends who live nearby and i've found myself feeling a little more distant and isolated from friends i keep in touch with through the internet so i'm thinking of making it be a day for myself, but last year i was also alone and didn't cope with it very well. thank you.

hello! i'm so so so sorry you have a traumaversary coming up. they can be so difficult to navigate and really hard to anticipate how they're going to affect you so all i can give is some general advice

first: EAT. even if it's really hard to eat, even if you have no appetite, eat anything you can manage to eat (especially if it's your favourite food!!). your mind AND body might be working in overdrive and eating will truly help enable your mind and body to process things easier because it has fuel. and ofc drink water and other comfort drinks! do now what you needed back then. whatever that is; comfort, acknowledgement, someone to talk to, affection (or lackthereof), toys, warmth (or coolness), etc. try and make the traumaversary different from the day the trauma occurred so that it reduces flashbacks. so things like lighting candles or diffusers with different smells, a shower/bath with good smells and clean hair and brushed teeth etc. can go a long way in helping stay grounded. if you get stuck in flashbacks, try and re-imagine what happened and make it end how you wish it did (like being saved, etc. idk what your trauma was so i can't give specific examples sorry). it can take a lot of effort, but it can really help if you do it repeatedly! this is something my therapist taught me to do and it's helped a great deal! avoid downers like alcohol, drugs (except your required meds ofc), spiralling thinking, etc. try and stay distracted!! watch comfort shows or movies or music. BUT don't repress the emotions you're feeling. let them be felt, but let them come and go and come and go. it helps when you're distracted because then you don't get lost in memories or emotions.

i wish i had more advice to give, this is something i struggle with a lot too so i'm sending you lots and lots of love and care and softness. please, above all, be kind and gentle to yourself. don't punish yourself for anything. be kind to yourself in the way you deserved kindness and care back then <3

[deniigi]

Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over  theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

beat

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

beat

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

[actress-in-ur-bad-dreams]

The actual text conversation I had on the release of the LWYMMD lyric video

Disclaimer-- posting this for the memories. This conversation happened just after the lyric video dropped. Not even the music video. A lot was in the air about the themes of the album and the content that would follow. Still, i stand by around 95% of what i said about the lead single and how lead singles are, in general, an introduction to a larger body of work with broader themes.

Me: I have many opinions. [Friend] sent me a text this morning about how he felt it was a disappointment and I've seen a fair amount of criticism for it but also a lot of 'she's saving 2017'.

When I first heard it was in the zone of NEW TAYLOR AFTER 3 YEARS GIMME but then after a few goes I was like 'what kind of chorus are we going for here' we go from a femme fatale start to a pulsing beat in the verses which I am so here for omg and then a drop for the chorus???¿¿¿

I want a bad blood feat. Kendrick Lamar style chorus. The build to the chorus is so YESSS but I don't understand why you'd drop it all for 'look what you made me do'

The bridge brings me life like 'I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams' is so reminiscent of blank space and I think it speaks to character development with the edge of it all-- Like the 'dressed like a daydream' has gone, pure nightmare is here and 'don't say she didn't warn us'.

I don't think this is the best song the album has to offer. Taylor said before that she would only release more if she could make something as good, if not better, than 1989 but time will tell. But my faith is hinged on the fact that although shake it off was a BOP it was not the best song on the album IMO. It was an introduction to the era and the aesthetic and feel and I feel the same is true for reputation. LWYMMD is the introduction to the story by saying that the old taylor is dead.

[Friend] said that he was disappointed that Taylor was stooping to a level of diss tracks and anger but to that I argue I think we'd all drop a diss ALBUM if we were virally double crossed by KimYe after a very public make up. She was painted as a snake in front of the world because of misunderstanding of what she consented to Kanye saying about her. After years of repairing a relationship with the media it was torn down in a heartbeat and there was nothing she could do except write a statement. People she called her friends took sides against her for something she hadn't done so yeah, I think she's entitled to a track or two about how she's out for the kill.

Artists write about exes who double cross them so why can't they write about the people who betray them. God knows I would.

Think the single is good given its context, without an album context it seems out of place. So at the moment I'm highlighting it as an introduction and not the full she-bang

It's not the introduction we want but probably the introduction we need.

I think that's everything I have to offer atm

Tl;dr - it's an introduction to the album and I don't think it's the best the album has to offer but without this the era would jumpstart. Oh- I'm also thinking that if the video had come at the same time as the song it would have given more context to the song as a lead single

Her: Blood hell that was a lot but I agree. It’s by no means bad but I don’t feel like it’s the best she can do, but like you said it’s an introduction so they’ll be more

You should right reviews

Me: ahaha I doubt my opinion carried THAT much weight to it. I just like being thorough with my views.

I've also had a thought about reasoning for the chorus drop being a thematic move-- it may be a play on the stomach drop feeling you get when someone does something terrible to you. Like you feel the build up of emotions and you sense something big is coming but then it actually happens and you can't quite believe it. It's all an explosion of silence and all you can think about it what happened and maybe the last thing they said ie. 'look what you made me do' if that makes sense.

I'm always here for deep thinking about artists who do deep thinking with their work because I am annoyingly pretentious like that.

I'm still doing the thinking-- currently on the continuous metaphors of the dramas of the past being a stage performance curated by KimYe(?) or Perry(?)

I Am. So. Here. For. This.

Her: Jesus do you want to do my degree for me. That is some A* analysis right there. I am excited for the new Taylor stage

Me: If only I’d done English literature ahaha.

The only thing I'm sad about this far is that there have been no interviews, no livestream, no clues in instagrams, no cryptic tweets, no YouTube video announcement style things bar the snake vids and the promo posts.

It's a distancing from the media as I imagine she reached her final straw with them. I doubt she's willing to give her time to answer her critics who will eventually receive their answers in the album's discussion of the whirlwind of 2016.

She's IS scooting round it through the two 72 page magazines she's releasing with the album with Target which promise pretty much all the background material we'd otherwise get through media. She's cutting out the middleman and I respect that because I understand the need to avoid having her rebuilt narrative be hers and not an interviewers interpretation of her narrative.

The media has twisted her before but it's a shame it's come to an avoidance altogether.

Her: So much content. But I think you’re right and you can’t blame her. She’s been in the public eye in the wrong way because of the media and it is a massive F you to them to cut them out all together.

Me: It's so cute that even though she wiped everything on social network she stayed following her fans on tumblr and liked like 1000 posts last night. It's like a cute little club of happy

Her: I think she loves how she’s been gone for so many months yet everyone still supports her and her music is still massive

Me: i think its a love and a show of power. it was the ACM awards last night and artists there were asked if they were excited and one guy said he found it amazing how she could just post a snake tail and everybody KNOWS a new album is coming. Jack antonoff and Joseph Kahn have had their twitters spammed all year about ts6 questions. People were anticipating a response to Kanye. imagine there would be some worry in her about whether the fanbase would reject her reinventing herself AGAIN from going country to pop to edge-pop. but here we all are. my body is ready.

Her: My soul is ready