#when i went to the gic i was asked about my sex life and what section i bought my clothes from

[cliveguy]

im also frustrated with people not really caring about what's happening to trans people here but i do understand why (especially now) it isn't the most pressing news story of the day. but it is also annoying that people seem to be completely unaware of how bad it is here and how difficult it is to medically transition.

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

My Trans Story

Story of my social and medical transition under the cut, I know its not trans day of visibility anymore but consider this a belated contribution. I hope it helps anyone who’s questioning, or even anyone whos curious about the experience. This is very long and has some mention of dysphoria, abuse, bullying but also has a happy ending so thats your warning:

The earliest I remember giving any indication of being trans was at five or six years old on my way to primary school with my mother (who I will mention was a fairly good mother at the time - this will be relevant later). I turned to her in my little green and white uniform dress and said “I’m a boy, aren’t I mum?” I’m not sure what prompted the question really curiosity maybe but my mother laughed it off - something I dont blame her for, kids say silly things all the time. I wouldn’t say I was a super boyish kid. Yeah I liked a bit of rough and tumble play, I was into pokemon cards, then yu-gi-oh, beyblades - which were all considered “boy” things when I was at school. I liked to play british bulldog and tag, and as I got older I’d get into Warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, The elder scrolls and other nerdy things which are seen as more unisex now but again in the time were considered “boy” interests. But I liked having long blond hair, and I was curious about make-up. I liked to bake and sew and weave, and as a child I even enjoyed knitting. I cried easily and got hurt often - I was accused of attention seeking through most of my childhood though even looking at myself critically I can only ever remember wanting validation. When I was hurt, when I’d achieved something I was proud of - my motivations were called into question when I sought out help or interest. I remember being heartbroken when art I’d worked on was dismissed or I was told the bad bruise I’d gotten was nothing to be upset over and to stop seeking attention. It set me on a path of questioning everything I did and why I did it.

Unfortunately I have a lot of memory gaps in the lead up to high school and through much of school.

Fairly early on in school though I came out as bisexual. Honestly I think a part of me was threatened by cis guys masculinity and that drove me to women. I had a fairly even number of girlfriends and boyfriends. One relationship the boy I was with implied being ready to try sex and we ended up breaking up not long after when I distanced myself. I didn’t know how to explain the discomfort with my own body that I didnt even understand. How I didn’t want to be touched in certain places or do certain things. I felt like a freak.

It didn’t help that I was already bullied pretty much from the get go in highschool, from age 11 I did have many friends and there were periods where I had none. I was bullied for my hair, for not having friends, for being gay, for being depressed. Hell sometimes I was bullied for being bullied - high school is weird. 

I was also... “bullied” by a “friend” who would hit me, talk down to me, at times wouldn’t let me sit on furniture. Once she choked me to the point of passing out among other things. Somehow I was still convinced she must like me on some level - why else would she hang out with me? I wish I’d known better. She introduced me to the concept of being transgender but not in a way I identified with. She told me about a documentary of “Boy becoming girls and girls becoming boys.” she told me “The girls that become boys are always still pretty, you can tell they were girls. But the boys that become girls, you cant tell they were boys they just look like ugly girls.” I imagine shes less ignorant now but its stuck with me.

Eventually around age 16 Two trans people spoke at my school. They talked about how they always felt different, things they’d disliked about themselves - the relief of coming out. I understood completely but my brief excitement was dashed by their talking about harassment and fear. I wrote my email address on a slip of paper and ‘please help’ which I put in the box they were collecting at the back of the room for any questioning youth. They never emailed me. I made an appointment with my doctor.

I actually begged my doctor to fix me, and he referred me to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in Edinburgh. It took a full year to actually be seen there. I told some of my close friends about my concerns and confusion, and came out as genderfluid. I used a random R based male name to try and settle - knowing that as it was fandom related I’d change it later. When I spoke to the specialist at the GIC, I came out as a Trans Man, I felt validated. I came out to my family not long after and it was not well received. My cousin (who had spent every summer with us for as long as I could remember and I viewed like a sibling) died when I was 14. My godmother (his mother) died a year after. Within the ten years since my cousins death, he, my uncle on my mothers side, my great grandfather, my godmother, my gran and my grandad have all passed away. When I came out to my dad he begged me not to put more strain on our family. My mother turned to drink when I was only 14 and had worsened becoming more and more abusive as time went on. I’d had mental and physical health issues since the age of 8 and my experiences were being written off. My mother got worse, and I ended up being her full time carer for a few years. She was abusive, she hit me, she destroyed my things, she wrote on the walls and threatened me with knives. When a letter for my third GIC appointment came, (the appointment that would have gotten me hormones) I highly suspect it was my mother that destroyed it. I didn’t even know I’d been dropped from the list until six months later when I called to ask when my next appointment would be. I’d apparently missed it and for that reason they’d silently, without fuss, taken me off their active patients list. I was upset but handling my mother was enough strain for me not to fight my case for another few years. I went to attempt college for a second time in 2015 - nearly six years after I first came out, and four after my first GIC appointment. I called my best friend over to my house, and together we sighed 15 deedpolls changing my name and title legally. I contacted the clinic and got another appointment for that September. The doctor wanted longer - more appointments to get to know me, but after hearing I’d already had two with another doctor, had waited four years, had told the story I’ve told you now - she told me she wanted to get me on hormones for christmas. She rearranged her schedule and had me come in on december 9th, four days later I had my first doze of testosterone. I didn’t tell my father that I’d started hormones but I had told him prior that I was going to soon. My dad continued not to accept me, as did one of my tutors at college. I kept my head down and muscled through. I’d become so used to not passing that only 4 years later, when Im passing easily and consistently, its both a shock and yet somehow feels like its always been the case. I had top surgery on October 23rd 2017. To my surprise, my father came to the hospital. He’d said he wouldnt visit, but made the 4 hour drive anyway. Last summer, he started introducing my as his son to strangers. He started inviting me out for drinks with him and my brother. He treated me how I had always wanted. Sure he still drops the feminine endearments in - but I’m not going to fault him that. Everyone I meet assumes Im cis until I tell them otherwise. I was finally comfortable enough in 2017 to come out as gay, and I’m now engaged to my wonderful Fiance who is just beginning his own transition journey. My point? It gets better is a tired phrase that feels worn out by use. And no my life isn’t perfect but dysphoria and lack of love is definitely not the problem. Years ago I felt I’d never pass, I told people as much. I thought I was ugly, and unlovable. Now I like how I look, I Know i pass because people call me “sir” “Mr” ect. One of the tutors for the university I applied to was excited to “finally have a man in the class.” 

The journey is long, and at no point can you see the end of it. Eventually you just look back and see how far you’ve come. Stay strong. 

[trashyy-levi]

92 Truths

Rules: once you’ve been tagged write 92 Truths about yourself. At the end tag 25 people to tag. I was tagged by @nikkiecola  Thank you!!

LAST:

[1]Drink: Orange, Lemon and Pineapple Squash

[2]Phone call: My friends, Krystal, Becca, Olivia, Helen and Lucia

[3]Text message: “Cuz I leave sunday lunchtime”

[4]Song listened to: Still Into You by Paramore

[5]Time you cried: Wednesday - A scene in spiderman: HC made me tear up

[6]Dated someone twice: Never

[7]Been cheated on: December 2015

[8]Kissed someone and regretted it: Never been kissed

[9]Lost someone special: February 2016

[10]Been depressed: I had a pretty bad spell of it over Christmas

[11]Gotten drunk and thrown up: I’ve been drunk but never thrown up

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS;

[12] Pastel Blue [13] Lilac [14] Pastel Pink

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU;

[15] made new friends: Yes, in the past year i met my now best friends, they’re basically family

[16] fallen in love: Nah, unless Tom Holland or Matthew Daddario counts

[17] laughed until you cried: Absolutely, specially when i’m on call to friends

[18] found out someone was talking about you: Yea, they’re no longer in my life 

[19] met someone who’s changed you: Krystal, Becca and Olivia have helped me become more comforable in my own skin

[20] found out who your true friends are: 100%

[21] kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah

[22] how many Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them

[23] do you have any pets: yea, i have smol black cat called rosie

[24] do you want to change your name: I’m hoping to get it legally changed to Levi when i turn 18 at the end of august

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: Had a barbecue with people i no longer speak to par like two of them, and just ate a shit tonne of cake

[26] what time did you wake up: 12:40pm ish - I was up til like 4 watching isak x even videos so

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: I was on call to my friend lucia

[28] name something you cannot wait for: To get my name changed and to start T even though it’s not going to happen for at least a year yet 😕

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: Yesterday evening. but she’ll be home in like an hour

[30] what is one thing you would change about your life: One day I wanna move closer to my faves and I want to be happy with my body

[31] what are you listening to right now: Forever and Ever by James Carter

[32] have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yea, I had kid called Tom in my tutor and i went to primary + secondary school with him

[33] Something that is getting on your nerves: rude customers who act like i’ve killed someone when I ask if they want a bag or if I say have a nice day after serving them :))

[34] Most visited website: Youtube and maybe pinterest

[35] elementary: Was okay but I was bullied quite alot

[36] highschool: secondary school for me was a bit all over the place some years were good, but then year 11 got super shitty for me and was just urgh, glad i’m out of that hellhole

[37] college: Just finished my A-levels waiting for my results,  hoping i did well so i can get on to the writing course i applied for

[38] natural hair color: I am a blonde

[39] long or short hair: Short <3

[40] do you have a crush on someone: other than tom holland and matthew daddario, nah

[41] what do you like about yourself: I like my enthusiasm towards things that interest me, people call me obsessive but I can’t see what’s wrong about being passionate about Marvel or a movie or show or anime or band or book, like what is so wrong about loving something wholly?? I also fucking love my new hair okay i look good xD which is rare for me to say because I have self esteem the size of a pea

[42] piercings: I have 3 on each ear lobe, one cartilage piercing on my left ear and my nose pierced

[43] blood type: Idfk

[44] nickname: Son, Legi, Level, Trash Monkey (all courtesy of Krystal <3) 

[45] relationship status: Single 🤴

[46] zodiac sign: Virgo

[47] pronouns: He/him

[48]favourite TV shows: Skam, Shadowhunters, Riverdale, Grey’s Anatomy, Haikyuu, Fairy Tail,K Project, Teen Wolf, Voltron

[49] tattoos: Not yet, but i’m getting one at the end of august once i turn 18

[50] left or right handed: Right 

FIRSTS;

[51] Surgery: Haven’t had one but eventually I want top surgery

[52] Piercing: Ears

[53] Best Friend: Lewis, I meant him in reception (kindergarten) but then he moved to Portugal and I was friendless for like 8 months and then I met a girl called Darcy who was new and then she was my best friend

[54] Sport: Swimming, I had lessons from the age of 6 cuz I was bored in the summer and my nan signed me up

[55] Vacation: My parents told me that we went to france when I was 1 and apparently i took my first steps there.

[56] Pair of trainers: i never rly wore trainers, so probably school daps or smth idk

[57] Eating: baby food

[58] Drinking: baby drinks

[59] I’m about to: watch youtube or something on Netflix, i haven’t decided yet

[60] I’m listening to: The reckless and the brave by all time low

[61] Waiting For: Hyper Japan

[62] Wanting: to get my GIC referral 

[63] Get married: not particularly

[64] Career: writing, i either wanna become a screen writer or a publisher

YOUR TYPE;

[65] hugs or kisses: both but i do love cuddling so hugs

[66] lips or eyes: eyes

[67] Shorter or Taller: I’m short anyways so taller

[68] Older or Younger: Older, i’m also the baby of all my friends so

[69] Romantic or Spontaneous: Spontaneous but then I also love people who are super chill so 

[70] Nice arms or nice stomach: both is good, but like i said i like hugs so comfy arms are good <3

[71] Sensitive or Loud: I just want someone who can match my weirdness but also who isn’t a dick so a bit of both

[72] Hook-up or relationship: relationship

[73] Trouble maker or hesitant: trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER;

[74] Kissed a Stranger: Never kissed anybody so no

[75] Drank hard liquor: Yea, mainly vodka

[76] Lost glasses/contacts: I don’t have either so no

[77] Turned someone down: Yah,

[78] Had sex on first date: Nah

[79] Broken someone’s heart: Not that i know of? I’m the one who gets dumped or fucked over so 

[80] Had your heart broken: My ex broke up with me cuz I came out as trans which sucked 

[81] Been arrested: Nah

[82] Cried when someone died: My nan died when I was young so i never really cried, I was sad about it though and i do miss her

[83] Fallen for a friend: My ex and I were friends for a year before we started dating

DO YOU BELIEVE IN;

[84] Yourself: Never used to but I do now, well more than I used to at least

[85] Miracles: Not really

[86] Love at first sight: I believe in lust at first sight? but personally I don’t think you can love someone until you get to know them

[87] Santa Claus: Nahh I was a cynical 9 year old and now i’m an even more cynical very nearly 18 year 😂

[88] Kiss on first date: Yea, i don’t see anything wrong with that, there’s no rush or timeline for these things though

[89] Angels: did you mean alec lightwood

[90] Current best friends name: Krystal, Becca, Olivia and Helen

[91] eye color: Umm they’re blue but some days they’re a lighter blue and soem days they’re darker

[92] fav movies: Spider-man Homecoming (i’ve already seen it 3 times in cinema) umm, the breakfast club, Doukyuusei, Deadpool, Fairy Tail: Dragon Cry and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and Half-blood prince

I tag:

@damndanhowell @danizntonfire @evaaks @endearingphil @suga-swan @fandomsoverpeople @galaxyphan @oisvgas @gaysontheice @heartbreakhowelll @just-a-touch-of-phan @karasuno @karasuhoe @lancejacket @lessamazinghowell @miss-cigarettes @macnkeith @nekkoma @qanhowell @ratinof @radiophan @sarcasticphan @takemetovikturi @viktor-nikiforov-san @isakvalty