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zukalations · 8 years ago

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Interview with former Takarazuka Top Star Sena Jun: why she thinks 'Takarazuka and AKB48 are alike'

This is a long interview with Sena Jun that goes into her TMS years and her journey to becoming Top Star. It was originally published in Smart Flash on August 10, 2017.

This was translated with some editing and assistance from @chemicalperfume.

Smart Flash is...a bit of a tabloid, but this is direct text of an interview so I felt comfortable translating it. There are other articles about Takarazuka they have done but they feel more invasive so probably you won’t see any other Smart Flash content unless they do more interviews like this.

Interview with former Takarazuka Top Star Sena Jun: why she thinks 'Takarazuka and AKB48 are alike'

As a commemoration of the 25th year of her career, Sena Jun, former otokoyaku Top Star for the Takarazuka Revue, gave her first interview for FLASH. From details of her experience at the extremely strict Takarazuka Music School ('you must turn exactly at the corner of the corridor' 'you mustn't let the chime sound on the microwave') to 'why middle-aged men are into Takarazuka', she looked back on her career and told us everything frankly!

In her early childhood she tore her Achilles tendon and began studying ballet

What were you like in your early childhood? I'm originally from the Suginami Ward of Tokyo. I didn't like being in front of people or standing out much. While I had good motor skills as a young child, I didn't like being active very much. I especially hated sports. When we would play dodgeball, I was the type to run away until the very end. Sometimes one of the boys would start taking it way too seriously and really come after me but then I would just catch the ball...and therefore I just ended up standing out in the end, I suppose (laughs). The one exception was that I took classical ballet, starting from the middle of kindergarten.

What was the reason you started taking ballet? Before starting kindergarten, my leg was caught between the tires of a bicycle and it tore my achilles tendon. However, I had a a successful operation, and even though it was completely severed, once it was healed it was stronger than a normal person's. However, the tendon was shortened due to the operation and the doctor suggested that exercise would be good to make it grow again. My mother had also taken ballet in the past, so I began ballet lessons along with my rehabilitation. At that time, it would start really hurting during the rainy season (like the weather is now), or if I started running too abruptly.

Why did you decide to aim for Takarazuka? I ended up growing really tall. (I'm currently 168cm.) When I would wear toe shoes I was taller than the boys. I also had a larger build, so the characters I could perform in ballet were very limited. It so happened that the ballet school I would go to had something called a 'Takarazuka Exam Prep Class'. I had seen Takarazuka when I was little, so I thought 'that might be nice'. It wasn't that I had some deep yearning, or that I was a huge fan. I became a huge fan after entering the Revue. 'Wow, what a wonderful place I've joined' I would think.

At the TMS entrance ceremony, she couldn't hold back her laughter...

How old were you when you entered TMS? I took the exam at the end of my first year of highschool, and was a TMS student for 2 years starting with my second year of highschool. There are 4 chances to take the TMS entrance exam: When graduating from middle school, at the end of the first year of highschool, at the end of the second year of highschool, and when graduating from highschool. Since it depends on the specific person, and there are people who try every time, when entering TMS there are a lot of age gaps between people in the same class. In my class of 40 people, I was the third youngest. There's no heirarchy between classmates of different ages, however. There was one girl from the highschool I went to who was my senior, but she passed at the same time I did and ended up in the same class. At the beginning I couldn't help but feel it was a bit strange.

We hear that the relationships between class years is very strict... It starts from the very first day at the school. In TMS the junior students are called 'yokasei' and the senior students are called 'honkasei'; there are only those 2 years. Right after the entrance ceremony, the honkasei hold a guidance session for the yokasei called 'Interview Seminar'. It's like an orientation. We were lectured first on our posture and manner of walking as we came into the hall. After that all the yokasei and honkasei get in a circle facing each other, but the angle of our feet had to be precisely 60 degrees. Once, the girl next to me opened open her feet more than 60 degrees. Then one of the seniors angrily told her 'Ms. X, you are standing incorrectly. Your feet are open too far.' After that, all the yokasei had to say 'we're very sorry' and apologize all together. After apologizing, the girl next to me moved her feet back to around 60 degrees but then they were angry again and said 'don't just fix them as you please!' You had to say 'Excuse me. Please allow me to correct the angle of my feet' and get permission first.

It sounds like it would make you extremely anxious. Honestly, at that time it seemed so strange I was struggling not to laugh the entire time.

What? When you were being scolded? 'Why are they getting so seriously angry about something so petty?' I thought, and the laughter just started bubbling up. And then, the girl next to me who was scolded said "I'm very sorry" in a really annoyed way. At that, I was like, I can't take this any more, and I just started laughing. 'Ms. Doi (Sena's real name), are you laughing!' ...the honkasei were very angry. But that just made me laugh more (laughs).

It sounds like you're the type to think about how things look in the big picture? That might be something like it.

Bowing deeply to the trains from the station platform...

We hear that there are other special rules. Is it true 'junior students are not allowed to let the chime sound on the microwave'? If you live in the dorm, you're not allowed to make any noise at all. When I was a student, there were yokasei on the floor above me, but honkasei on the floor below. Therefore, when I was in the dorm I had to slide my feet to get around. Since otherwise, the sound would reach the floor below. And obviously this included the chime on the microwave. You needed to open it just before the timer was about to go off.

And is it true that 'the cleaning duties are so strictly enforced the location of all the furniture is decided down to the millimeter'? That's true. For example, whoever was assigned to cleaning the bathroom would have to put a flower in a vase on the sink. If the vase was supposed to be precisely between two of the mirrors, it would be a matter of exactly which tiles to set it between. If it was the slightest bit off they would get very angry with you.

Is there anything else? When you were on the station platform, you had to bow deeply to any train coming in...that kind of thing.

What was that? (laughs) Since there was a chance one of the honkasei might be on the train, you had to bow every time. We would wait on the platform in two lines. Of course any private talk was strictly forbidden. If a train came we would bow, no matter if it was on the platform we were boarding from or going the opposite way. And if they saw you didn't bow they would get angry with you.

And when they would get angry with you, what was it like, on the whole? They would call you out and make you stand in the hall, or the honkasei would lecture you in a classroom at night, that kind of thing. It was never the teachers, the tradition was for the seniors to scold you.

It sounds intense enough to put traditional baseball academies to shame If I think back on it now, it was really 'foundational things' that they taught us, I feel. Be considerate to your superiors, get permission before doing something, greet people properly...really the basics of getting along in society. There's a rule that comes up a lot, 'yokasei must turn precisely at the corners when on the stairs or in the hall'; even that originated from the foundation of 'in order not to run into a honkasei, we ought to just walk right at the edge'. You get out of the way of people who are above you, right? If we were to walk in the middle of the hall, we would only get in the way of the honkasei. Therefore you end up with extreme rules like 'you must walk at the edge of the stairs or hallway and turn exactly at the corner'.

Did they get angry with you very often, Ms. Sena? Not at me, no. There was a rule 'everything you wear or carry must be brown, navy blue, or black'. In any case, it had to be very plain. Now, I was a Shibuya-style girl, so I couldn't bear that. We were allowed to have one color item, so I wore nothing but Ralph Lauren polo shirts. 'Well? You can't get angry about this, can you?' was my attitude. I was a very saucy yokasei (laughs).

And what about when you became a honkasei? I never really got angry with my juniors. I was young in age, and my classmates spoiled me a bit, so I was very freespirited. However, I thought scolding others was a learning process in its own way; 'you have to take responsibility for your words, you have to talk to the other person and convey to them what the issue is.' My classmates would get angry with me and say 'you really have to lecture the juniors about such and such'.

And did you get properly angry? No, they would always figure out 'somebody else told her to come scold us' right away. From the very start, most of the juniors would just say 'I dont really remember'. And outside of class, I never went to the after-school one-on-one lessons and just slept in my room.

What? You don't have to go to lessons? As long as your attendance in the classes is perfect, they don't get angry. Honestly, I was so sleepy every day! They would call me 'the rare character who never appears' (laughs).

How many peoples' 'fave' can you become...

You graduated TMS and joined Flower Troupe in 1993, is that correct? When I graduated, I had a debut with all 40 members of my class. It was our first and last chance to be all together as a class on stage. That's like our presentation, and after that, we were split up into the different troupes. Each of the 4 troupes took 10 people. In my time it was Flower, Moon, Snow, and Star, making 4 (now there is also Cosmos). Each troupe's producer selects who they want, you can't choose for yourself.

What are each troupe's specialties? To put it roughly, at the time they were called 'Dancing Flower Troupe', 'Drama Moon Troupe', 'Nihonmono Snow Troupe', and 'Gorgeous Star Troupe'. But that is the way the fans see it, and it's not like performances are organized to fit the categories from this side.

After performing in Flower Troupe for more than 10 years, you moved to Moon Troupe in 2004 with the plan being for you to become the next Top Star. In 2005 you became Top Star. Is that kind of thing common? At the time it was rare, I suppose. 'Becoming Top Star straight after transferring,' that kind of situation.

How do they decide who becomes Top Star? The top management of the company makes the decision.

Why did you decide to become an otokoyaku? I thought 'what's the first thing anyone thinks of about Takarazuka? Otokoyaku!'

Personally, why do you think you became Top Star? Well...let me think about that. When I was in Flower, I felt 'since there are so many different sorts of otokoyaku here I should at least try to be cool'. There were lots of otokoyaku good at singing, and lots who were very strong in dance...in general, a lot of people. But I didn't excel at anything in particular. I was especially bad at singing. I thought 'it's not like I have to be particularly good, but I should at least be passable at all the main components', so I put a lot of effort into singing. After that, started considering how, among all the other otokoyaku, I could make myself into peoples' 'fave'*.

'Fave'? Yes. I think Takarazuka is a bit like AKB48. Fans see people who make a lot of effort and appreciate that. For example, in order to make it easier for the people sitting in the very back of the balcony to see you, ust trying to make your stance in the dance maybe even 1 centimeter wider than the others'. As I continued doing just those little things, the number of fans supporting me grew. AKB48's catchphrase is 'idols you can meet', but you can do things like demachi, so you can also meet Takarasiennes. We don't have elections based on CD sales (laughs), but demachi numbers and sales of tickets and goods are indicators of popularity. Takarazuka fanclubs are unofficial, so the company doesn't recognize them, but that also means there are no extreme restrictions on them. AKB48 also has a theatre, but if you go and see one of their stage shows you can tell at once who gets the good and bad casting...

They're really alike, I see. When I see what AKB48 is doing, I just think 'this is stuff Takarazuka has done for ages'. They say that the fans make the stars. Takarasiennes with strong support will gradually get more and more central positions; it feels like watching a race. Middle-aged men are also into that, I think. My father is a normal salaryman who never had any interest in Takarazuka before, but he says that more than the stage shows 'the system is really interesting.' He'll theorise 'maybe this person will be next', or realize 'this girl has been standing out since she was really small'; that kind of thing is really enjoyable to him. Therefore, even though when I became Top, he was always looking at these young kids, not me (laughs).

The movie system piques her interest

You retired in 2009. What was your reason for quitting? After I was given the starring role in 'The Great Gatsby', I felt that as an otokoyaku I'd done it all, and there wasn't any more I could express. After that, I talked to the company about leaving. I had burnout for a while. When I quit I didnt think I'd become an actress afterwards at all. But while I was still in the Revue, there was some talk of 'Elisabeth' and I thought 'that I'd like to try' so I ended up having my next job settled.

You're holding concerts for the 25th anniversary of your career in Tokyo and Osaka, but you said 'I was bad at singing'? It is amazing that you'd even do concerts. I dont think I'm that good even now, but up to about my 10th year in the business I really couldn't sing at all! I want to tell that terribly-singing past self 'you can do it!'. But it's quite different singing as an otokoyaku compared to singing as an actress, so it's a matter of trial and error still.

How did you work on conquering your poor singing? I took lessons in order to give myself some confidence, at least. Besides that, experience on stage helped. I learned more from one performance on stage than ten rehearsals.

What kind of work will you be doing after this? I'd like to be in movies. I don't there the are genres in acting itself; I just want to know what it would feel like to be on a movie set. I'm interested in how they film it. How does it all come together, and such. For a stage play, we rehearse everything for about a month and a half, but for film it's all out of order and they don't film it chronologically. You have to think carefully 'when is this happening to me' when you perform. I'm really interested in how it all becomes a movie.

You're looking at the big picture again. Oh! I really am (laughs).

* Idol fandom term ‘oshimen’ which is slightly different from Takarazuka fandom concepts of a favorite performer although Sena uses it for both here it seems.

#takarazuka #article translation #OG materials #sienne: sena jun

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partyatmyhaus · 8 years ago

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Wouldn’t It By Easy To Believe?

The soulmate AU where your bruises/scratches/scars show up on your soulmates skin in different colors. - Matt Peake has never lead an easy life- but it lead to him meeting his Soul Mates.

AO3 Mirror

On his 8th birthday the marks show up. Perfect thin rings of various colors on his upper left leg. Right under the red swirl of a font- where his name is written. When he asks his mother, she gets wide eyes and tells him never to show his father. Matt doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal but promises her anyways.

[It’s about this time colors appear on his skin, patches of gold around his elbows and lilac on his wrists. Matt wants to ask his mother- but he remembers how she reacted about his colors, and keeps his mouth shut.]

It’s when Matt turns 10, he learns what the marks on his legs are. Matt learns about what soulmates are, and learns about why he gets splotches of other colors on his skin. His teacher explains it to him, about how when your soulmate (or soulmates in Matt’s case) get hurt- their color would appear on his skin- wherever the bruise was forming for them. And that if there was a scar, it would appear on the other- lighter than a bruise would, but it would stay.

And so his teacher explains that the lilac on his nose, comes most likely from his soulmate getting a broken nose.

Matt goes home and when he accidently makes his dad mad that night- he ends up worried he’ll be too broken for his soulmates later on.

When Matt turns 12 his dad finds out about how many bands he has. The colors, the fact his son is an abnormality and spends an hour banging on the bathroom door- screaming at him for being a mistake.

Screaming loud enough Matt hear him loud and clear, even with his hands over his ears and his loud sobs.

He hears his father’s voice loud and clear.

By the time he’s in the 8th grade, everyone knows him as the freak with 7 other soulmates. Soulmates that must hate having him because he’s always coloring their bodies in bright red- bright noticeable, questionable red.

It’s also about this time, his dad seems to be angry every night. Angry and drunk, everything becoming his mother’s fault somehow. Everything being blamed on her, on one occasion the fact it was raining being blamed on her.

Matt spends most night- falling asleep to the sounds of glass shattering, yelling and the noise of his own thoughts repeating his apologies to his soulmates.

High school starts, and he’s the only one causing colors. The scrapped white knees, and bruised grey palms have stopped. And he tries, he tries to stop the colors- the fighting, the one sided brawls. But his mom left, and Matt is still known as the freak with 7 other soulmates and he’s a small kid versus big football players and a cruel father.

Matt always tries to protect his own face, not for himself but for the 7 others. He tries, but he doesn’t always succeed.

10th grade is when he starts to self harm, he’s lost the will to care anymore. He’s heard of platonic soulmates and he knows at this point that’s what the bands have to mean. He’s not good enough to have a romantic soulmate- he knows that.

So he burns, tears, scratches and picks at his own skin. He yearns for some form of control- he hates his father but hates his mother more. He just wants something to be in his control for the next two years that he’s a dependant of his father. For the next two years he’s stuck in this household that makes his freshly washed clothes reek of alcohol and blood.

His arms become a mess, but he carefully destroys the area of his leg where the lines are.

The one night in particular where everything fell apart, and he came to the conclusion that: it was all his fucking solemates faults. If he had one soulmate he wouldn’t have this fucking problem. All these fucking problems. So, he spends an hour or two crying in the bathroom- tearing his leg and sobbing. He just wants it to stop.

He just wants everything to stop.

In Grade 11 the his knuckles are turning green and purple- without him doing anything. His solemates fight, meanwhile he lays and takes it. Under his hoodie is worse than ever- his ribs causing him pain at the smallest breath, nothing being able to heal before something new happened.

It’s also in Grade 11, he gets jumped. He goes to a football game on a whim, with a couple of kids from his Spanish class. He ends up getting cornered by a group of kids while he walked home in the dark.

They end up tackling him, ripping his shorts down and one of them crudely cutting into his leg while he cried and screamed and begged.

For the first time in years, Matt silently apologizes to his soulmates for the word that will scar into their skin under the already damaged area of the bands.

‘Monster’.

Highschool ends in a blur, grandparents and aunts he didn’t know he had pay for him to go to college and that’s when it starts to get better.

There’s no more marks coming from him, in fact the only colors on his skin come in the form of green, purple and gold. He wonders if green and purple are okay- they seem to fight a lot.

College is when he starts to figure out who he is as a person. Away from the fighting and the constant noise. College is when Matt spends the time to figure out that men and women are attractive- and he also figures out that he doesn’t seem to have a type. Too many variations of what ‘attractive’ is, too many shapes and sizes. Too many tones and quirks for him to narrow down.

In the middle of college he gets admitted to the hospital. He wakes up with thick bandages around his wrists and up his arms. He spends hours daydreaming about someone, anyone coming to visit him- to worry over him.

No one comes.

He’s discharged a week later on the empty promise of calling a therapist and enough fake smiles for no one to worry.

By the time college ends, he’s got depression. Massively so. It coming back in a tidal wave of antidepressants, and trying to motivate himself to go to job interviews. He somehow ends up with one, a nice job actually, for a pretty big tv show- but he hates it. Like something about it makes him sit just slightly to the left- like everything about it is just a tiny bit off.

[He gets trashed one night and relapses, after 2 years of being clean he relapses and ends up with a new phrase under the still ever present ‘Monster’.

‘I’m sorry’]

He gets a job with them, by chance.

Their ad looking for a new editor gets sent to him by a colleague- a friend who knows he’s miserable and on a whim he submits his resume and forgets all about it.

Until a few days later when his phone rings right after he gets home, and it’s some guy named Bruce- asking to set up an interview.

He gets hired a week later.

[Bruce is very kind when Matt explains he doesn’t want to shake hands on the deal- that he doesn’t want to touch in general].

When he joins he starts to hear about their relationship, learn more about them as people- and the gnawing feeling in his stomach grows everyday. He learns about how Bruce and Adam used to fight in high-school. How Elyse loved to roller blade as a kid- and never wore knee pads. Matt laughs endlessly over how Lawrence loved dodgeball as kid, but did not love how everyone threw harder than him.

[The gnawing feeling explodes one day over lunch when Joel talks about how he broke his nose in the 4th grade- Matt has to leave so he can stop shaking].

They all go out for drinks one night, and Matt spends the entire evening making sure his hands are covered by his hoodie- making sure no skin to skin contact can happen.

And outside of him being unable to enjoy his buzz- he does find himself laughing and enjoying the company of his friends.

He’s delighted when Elyse shows up and he leaves the bar that night with a new number in his phone under the contact name ‘Funniest Willems’.

It’s after a drunk stream, at the end of their day- that the gnawing feeling becomes just a lump of pain and dread at the bottom of his stomach.

He doesn’t remember who starts the conversation, all he knows is everyone is talking about sole marks (everyone but him of course). And eventually someone outside of their little squad is talking about the worst marks from a solemate and Adam looks ready to wilt away and Adam rambles out,

“Whoever they are- they really hate themselves. And I just wanna help.” He gives a shrug and Matt feels his heart start to beat faster, “They tried to kill themselves a few years back- and I mean technically they did. I’ve never been as scared as I was when their mark went black. It was awful. You remember that night, James?”

Matt feels ready to throw up at the nod James gives- and even drunk James looks so sad. Matt wants to make their pain stop but instead he wills himself to stay still and faced towards his computer, mimicking editing the video in front of him- even as Joel speaks up.

“They don’t want us.” And it’s the way he says it, the defeat and tiredness that should make Matt guilty but all it does is bubble up something he has never felt before in its full form.

Matt feels angry. He feels hot bitter rage, and years of pent of animosity. His hands clench so tight around his mouse that it actually pops the plastic on one side and he’s shaking when he stands up.

It catches Lawrence’s attention and it must be his face or his movements but the other doesn’t say a word as Matt packs up to leave. He does however follow Matt out of the office, and it’s only once they reach the parking garage does he call out for Matt.

“We’re sorry for bringing that up in front of you, man.” And something about the tone Lawrence is using- doesn’t calm him down, it in facts just pisses him off more. Matt throws his laptop bag into the back seat of his car and slams the door,

“Yeah, why is that?” And he huffs out a sarcastic laugh and turns to look at Lawrence. The anger ebbs away when he sees the look on Lawrence’s face.

“Because you don’t have a solemate.”

Matt doesn’t say anything before he turns and gets into his car.

The next morning, Matt wakes up and makes the decision. The decision that today he would touch one of them, to see if this was real or just a cruel joke played on him but the universe.

It takes too long for all of them to get into work, but the second the last person is through the door (Sean), Matt has ditched his hoodie and is starting to sweat lightly. This was stupid- there was no possible way these people were his soulmates. But he hoped.

Matt hadn’t hoped for something in a very long time.

So he manages to swallow his nerves somehow and walk over to where Adam and Bruce are standing around Joel’s desk.

“What’s up, Peake?” Bruce asks and Matt suddenly doesn’t have words.

“Uh, I forgot.” And he ends up sitting at his desk berating himself for the next hour for being such a coward.

[Matt cries the next morning when he gets into the shower and finds various hand print shaped bruises on his hips and thighs].

It’s when his birthday rolls around that their in the office, it is the middle of a Tuesday and they’re all dicking around (Elyse visiting her boys during her lunch hour), and suddenly everyone is planning what to do for his birthday- that he just is overwhelmed by this urge to cry a little bit.

“What do you want for your birthday?” Elyse is giggy as she asks, bouncing on her toes and has her phone already open and Matt just answers the first thing on his mind.

“A hug.” He feels stupid the second he says it, but it’s true.

“A hug? What you’ve never been hugged or something?” James says, elbowing his double hoodie hidden- midsection and Matt sees no reason to lie to them. They’re his friends- his best friends. (His only friends).

“Never had one.” He shrugs as he says it, and instantly looks to the ground afterward. The silence that follows is awful, it makes Matt want to scream.

“Uh, I have a lot of editing to do. Anything you get me will be fine- and you know you don’t, uh, have to get me anything. Birthdays have never been a big deal.” He says it to them, still looking at the ground- before shuffling away and back to his desk.

His birthday comes and everyone ends up having a mini-party at the Willems’. Lawrence and Sean get him a support for his work chair- to help with the back pain that comes from editing. Elyse, James and Bruce get him various gag gifts (including but not limited to: a neon blue ball gag, flavored lube, and a 6 foot poster for the movie North), but actually buy him 10 various games, including one he had wanted as a kid but never got.

Joel gets him a Sega Genesis and a refurbished GameCube. And Matt has to blink away a small misting in his eyes.

Adam is the one who breaks the dam. All the other gifts having built up his want to cry- but Adam shatters it. Just breaks his resolve and causes it all to crash around him.

“It’s a lame gift.” Adam hands him the wrapped box with an awkward smile and rubs the back of his neck. And Matt mumbles some comment about how he sure its fine, and once he gets the paper off- he finds out it’s not a box but it is in all actuality a picture frame. A nice black simple frame, with a certificate inside of it.

Matt has to read the words about 10 times before he cognitively understands it, and when he does he just can’t help the tears. He tries to blink them away, but he just can’t.

“Oh God. I didn’t mean to make you cry!” Adam is freaking out, going to place a hand on his shoulder- but pulls it back. They all know how Matt is with touch. He hovers awkwardly, as Matt begins to sob.

Matt feels ridiculous as he sobs on the Willems’ couch, clutching the picture frame to his chest- but he can’t stop.

“This is,” He has to take a breath, “The nicest thing anyone ha-has ever done for me.”

And it takes a few minutes for him to calm down, and after he’s settled- James asks what Adam got him.

“He wouldn’t tell us.” And Matt just smiles and finally pulls the frame from his chest,

“A star.” Matt sniffles, “Adam bought me a star.”

And Adam, God bless him, looks so out of place and is blushing for God’s sake that Matt can’t seem to help himself.

Matt ends up chest to chest with Adam, the bulk of Matt’s 3 hoodies pressing gently against Adam’s t-shirt. And everyone is just dead silent as they watch the two of them. Matt’s still got tears drying on his eyelashes, and his nose is bright red- but Adam is looking at him like Matt is the most wonderful thing in the room- and it takes a moment for Matt to eventually raise a hand- and bring it just millimeters from Adam’s skin.

And they’re so close, they’re breathing each other’s air and it’s been 2 years and they’ve never touched. Matt has never showed any sign of wanting to touch them.

And then, much like Matt is- gent but firm, Matt presses his hand onto Adam’s face. And the smile that comes from the heat on their marks, is nothing short of magnificent.

“Is Matt-?” It’s Lawernce that whispers it, and Matt and Adam are still just staring at each other, Matt’s hand still on his face- even as Adam nods.

“Yeah.”

It takes no time at all for them to allow Matt to gently touch them- and by the end of the night all of their marks are a little darker.

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had.” Matt mumbles, right before he falls asleep that night- tucked into the guest bed, and he feels someone pet his hair.

“This the best your birthday I’ve ever had, too.” And Matt gives a huff of a laugh and drifts off to the sound of Elyse berating James for being an idiot.

The next morning, Matt is officially a year older and he wakes up to the smell of he doesn’t know what, but it’s good.

He ends up stumbling downstairs, with bed tousled hair and sleepy eyes. And it earns him a coo from James- who he waves away instantly.

By the time he’s eaten and woken up- he notices that everyone’s stuff is still by the front door. And when he voices that to Elyse, who’s working at the dishes she gives him a sad sort of smile.

“We tried to get them to leave, but after last night they said they weren’t going anywhere without you.” And she’s nodding over the breakfast counter into the living room- the same living room Matt stumbled through half awake.

And he peaks his head over and wants to...He doesn’t know what he wants to do, but his heart does a little jump at the sight of his boys. His idiots.

Adam is on the couch, face pressed into the cushions and snoring ever so slightly, and right next to him, Lawrence is asleep in the arm chair.

It’s seeing Lawrence in the armchair that makes Matt frown and somehow he ends up gently nugging Lawrence awake and leading him upstairs to the bed that is now unoccupied.

Sean wanders down somewhere in the time Matt takes Lawrence’s glasses off and get him under the blankets.

It’s a nice morning. Very domestic and warm.

[Matt decides that he loves sleepy Adam, he also decides he does not like sleepy Lawrence as much].

They spend the entire day dicking around, and it’s only when Matt stands to help with the dishes that Sean lets out a little noise.

And Matt is stretching- arms reached out over him, and it’s too perfect not too. So sean quickly moves and wraps his arms around Matt. Smashing their chests together, and tucking his head into the space available by Matt’s neck.

And Sean feels Matt go still- and they’re the closest they’ve ever been- physically and emotionally. Sean can feel how fast Matt’s heart is beating. And just when Sean goes to move away and apologize, Matt is wrapping his arms around Sean in a grip that makes it seem like he’ll never let go of him.

They end up sitting on the floor- never once breaking the embrace. Sean ends up sitting in Matt’s lap while Matt hides his face in Sean’s shoulder. Sean’s sure he can feel wetness, but he doesn’t say anything.

No one else says anything about it, they just let it happen. Photos are taken- granted, but they all remember what Matt had told them.

“Never had one.”

They all remember that up until this point Matt Peake had never had a hug.

They all spend the night again together, but this time Adam and Sean end up in bed with Matt- hugging him all through the night.

Matt comes to the boys, a few days later, during lunch- with a solemn expression. He sees them start to panic a little so when he speaks, he addresses it to Joel,

“I never wanted you to think, I didn’t want you. I wanted you very much. But…” Matt lets out a sigh and waves a hand tiredly, “You know. M’a little broken.”

And in a much softer voice adds, “Didn’t think you’d want me.”

And Matt won’t look at him, but he knows when Joel remembers what he’s talking about by the little ‘oh’. Matt is determined to stare at the floor, and anywhere away from their faces.

“Matt…” For once it seems as if Joel has no idea what to say but does what Joel does best:

Offer physical contact.

Matt sees the hand come into his view and tug him forward by the arm, and- oh- Matt could really get used to this surprise hugging thing.

“We want you, Matt. Trust me. We do.” And Joel is petting the back of his head, and Goddamn Matt could totally get used to this surprise hugging thing.

Matt tells them about everything a few weeks later, over dinner at Lawrences. They all listen, only stopping to interrupt when it was obvious Matt was getting distraught.

“I didn’t put ‘monster’ there.” He’s crying again but he needs them to know that, “Some kids from my high school...They, pushed me down and did it. That wasn’t me.”

“Okay, sweetie. It’s okay. We believe you.” He ends up being curled between Elyse and Lawrence, mumbling out various words of comfort to him.

They move to Roosterteeth, and he follows of course. Matt would follow them where-ever they go.

Matt’s dad dies the next fall, and he kind of hates himself for not caring- but he spends the night curled on the couch watching movies with the people he was told he didn’t deserve and the guilt disappears.

[[The next time he finds bruises of handprints on his body- he smiles as he see’s the versions he has on himself.]]

#shiphaus #ot8 #my fic #polyhaus #peake centered

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