#when i was in 3rd grade or so my parents took me to be evaluated to get extra time on tests in school (which i needed because i knew the

[much-brighter-ink]

Hey - for any of my followers with ADHD, if you’re willing to share a little about your experience, that would mean a lot to me; can be anything general, small traits that aren’t often talked about, things very specific to you, whatever you feel like mentioning - absolutely no pressure to do so, but if you’re okay with sharing, I’d love to hear from you about it.  

[kassies-take]

A Tutor!

A/n: Another Supercorp daughter story. I should really be doing my homework... I’ve thought about it and I’m doing this.

Warning: Insecurity 

Supercorp, Lena Luthor x Reader, Kara Danvers x Reader

Word Count: 2090

Lena Luthor-Danvers was someone you could rely on to go to when anything was wrong. Lena Luthor however was not going to be happy when she gets home from work.

You ran a hand through your hair and hid in your arms. On the paper was the bleeding ink of a D.

To be fair, you didn’t care about math. But being a daughter to a Luthor and a daughter to a Kryptonian, who learned calculus in the 3rd grade, it was supposed to be easy. You didn’t understand, you spent countless hours with your nose in the book, countless hours working and writing problems step by step, and countless hours in Mr. Pierce’s office hours. How could you get a D? A D- for that matter.

The other kids were working on their homework when you were called to Mr. Pierce’s desk.

“(Y/n), is everything alright? I know you’ve been going to office hours, and staying after class to finish your homework, but your test scores say otherwise.”

“I don’t know, I’m trying I really am. But no matter what I do, I don’t seem to get it. Math and many other things.” You mumbled the last part.

“Maybe it’s the way you’re trying to learn it. You could have your mo-“

“No!” You blurted out as all eyes focused on you.

“Regardless, you’re going to have to have one of your parents sign off on the test.”

“Yeah, it’s in the syllabus that I have to have a parent sign off on my tests till they become better. Gradually.”

“Until then I want you to change your method of studying. Maybe get a tutor.”

You winced at the idea. You had nothing against tutors, in fact you admire their patience but it was the principal of the matter. Luthors don’t need tutors, you just work harder.

The moment you got home you spent your time looking for the perfect tutor. The ones who weren’t just doing it for money, but actually wanting to help. You gave up trying to find someone to tutor you with the constant Luthor voice in your head.

You pulled out the test again to look through the mistakes. You had a terrible migraine and you flipped through the sheets angrily. You got to the last paper and pulled a post-it note off the paper to read it carefully:

I’ll be happy to tutor you - (Y/C/n)

This can not be happening. You turned the post-it note around and saw their number. You immediately pulled out your phone and contemplated on what to text them. Your thumbs hovered over the keyboard and the backspace key was pressed multiple times. It took an hour or so to send your message, they agreed to meet with you at your place every Wednesday afterschool.

Tutor, check. All you had to do now was tell your parents. Your leg shook nervously as you chewed on your fingernail, a habit you got from Lena. The balcony door clicked and beeped, Kara preferred the balcony entrance over the front door. You were relieved it was Ieiu and not your mom. Only that didn’t end well as chills were sent through your spine, at your mother’s voice and you hid part of your test under your laptop.

“Hey, little one!” Kara held you tightly in her arms.

“Hi Ieiu. Hi mom.” You hugged Lena as Kara went into the kitchen for a bottle of water and Lena’s wine.

“Oh, you’re looking to tutor someone?” Lena questioned before she pulled away and grabbed her wine glass from Kara’s hand. “That’ll look great on your college app, especially with MIT,” Lena took a sip from her glass. 

“Mom...” Kara caught your heartbeat speeding up.

“Little one are you okay?” 

Lena turned towards Kara when she began to speak and frowned back towards you. 

“Is everything alright?”

You couldn’t tell your parents. Luckily neither of your parents could read your mind, but at the same time you wished they could, it would be a lot easier than saying what you have to say. 

If I break, my family will shatter. Our family is measured by who I become. To my parents a good daughter is educated, remains “super.” It’s easier expected than done. It hurts the most when I’m doing my absolute best and it still isn’t enough. 

Lena and Kara both raised you to be a strong fighter. They didn’t explicitly send you to boarding school, or expected you to save the day. But all the implications are there, of being a Luthor and a Super.

 Striving to meet these expectations is like climbing out of quicksand: the harder I try to get to the top, the more I’m sucked back down.

Because Mom and Ieiu are constantly saving the day, they were preoccupied with raising the perfect daughter. They think they are keeping you safe. They never think about how lonely you were. They were oblivious of the nightmares you had from trying to fit in to the Super and Luthor box. 

You’re Kara’s girl. You’re just another Luthor. At least we know this one won’t be a psychopathic lunatic. You’re not a Luthor and you’re not a super. You can go to any college you want, MIT is a really good option. You could do so much better. 

“STOP!” You shook your head trying to get rid of the flooding thoughts that spilled through the dam of your eyelids.

No one dared to move, you didn’t need super hearing to hear a pin drop. 

“I’m the one who needs a tutor! I’m sorry I’m not a Luthor, or a Danvers, or Zor-El, or a super. I’m sorry I am nothing! I’m not going to NCU and I doubt I’ll get into MIT. okay? I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

“Baby,” Lena took a step forward. “We raised you to be a strong fighter, not to be a Luthor.” 

“You didn’t but everyone out there does! No matter what I do, I am evaluated on the fact that one I am a Luthor and two I am a Danvers! There’s a constant scale. I’m either one or the other! The world has expectations of who I should be and could care less of what I become, because to them my future is already written to them!” You stormed towards your room and slammed the door shut. 

Both Lena and Kara flinched with the door close shut. Lena let a shaky sigh before she hid her face in her hands and slouched on the couch. The couch dipped beside her and a strong arm wrapped around her. 

“She’s going to be okay. She’s strong,” Kara whispered and rested her chin on Lena’s head. 

“I failed her Kara.”

“No you didn’t.”

“The moment we knew I was carrying her, this was all I feared. Becoming my mother.”

“You are not your mother, (Y/n) was raised from a home with love and acceptance.” 

“How can you say that when she is clearly trying to fill up her cup with water from every single person except hers. She was so afraid of failing that she had to get a tutor. A tutor! What kind of mother lets her kids fail at something she excels at?” Tears began to flow from Lena’s eyes.

“A mother who lets her kid try to do it on her own. A mother so talented that she tries to be like you.”

“I spent all these years trying to make sure I was not Lillian, and here I am. What you resist will persist.”

“Look Lena, the things in our life are not always going to be the way we want it to be. The only thing we can do now is accept it and move on. Make it better. Our daughter needs a tutor, and that is not so much your fault as it is mine. We will get through this together.”

“El Mayarah” Lena whispered. 

They stayed like that in each others arms till Lena was rid of tears. 

“Lets go see our baby girl.” Kara suggested. 

Lena sat up and wiped her tears with her fingertips when her foot accidentally grazed over the mouse pad and the tabs closed. She moved to recover the tabs when her eye caught a folder labeled “edits” on the snow covered desktop background with Lena and you throwing snowballs at Kara. 

The folder opened with many short films, videos, and clips. Lena clicked on one titled “Aunt Lena and Aunt Kara MUST watch” hidden in a file of its own.

“Hey cuz,” It was a footage of you at your desk. “Are you still working on that edit?”

“It’s a new edit, with the same clips.”

“Why?”

“I can’t show it to anyone unless it is perfect.”

‘‘You know there is no right or wrong way you could edit something right?”

“It has to be perfect so no one could demean it.”

“You can’t please everyone.”

“No, but I can please my parents. 

The camera panned to Alex’s and Kelly’s son, Lucas.

“Aunt Kara, Aunt Lena if you’re watching this I think (Y/n) might need a little reassurance that she doesn’t need to try too hard for you. She told me that she was under a lot of pressure from everyone.” 

The video ended and Kara and Lena made a B-Line towards your room.  

“Little one?” Kara pushes the door open.

You laid on your stomach, under a pile of blankets and a pillow over your head.

Lena crouched beside your bed and removed the pillow over your head. You groaned and tried to move the blankets over your head.

“No. Look at me.”

You reluctantly turned around to face the emerald green and ocean eyes.

“Little one, just because you need a tutor does not mean we love you any less. In fact I’m happy that you’re getting one, it means you’re not willing to fail. That’s super enough. It might not feel like it and I understand that. You had a question about yourself and you deserved to try and answer it. You’re not a Luthor, you’re not a Super. You are (Y/n) Alura Luthor-Danvers. We love you for who you are and not who you will become.” Kara kisses your forehead.

“Baby, I never meant for the Luthor name to be any trouble for you. And I’m sorry you felt as if you couldn’t come to us about this, or about anything. A part of me, actually the whole part of me believes this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t give you the Luthors name. But I don’t regret ever having you because you’re the best thing I ever made. I am so sorry you feel this way and you won’t ever be alone.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed with myself. I just try so hard, but I don’t get anywhere.” You sighed.

“You know life is about making mistakes, learning from them, and growing as a person. We’re going to love you no matter what. You’re going to be accepted here, because you’re safe and in an environment where you have a Super and a Luthor protecting you.” Kara smiled.

You smiled back before the two gave kisses to your forehead and cheek.

“Okay now move over,” Lena removed the first layer of blankets. “Oh,” she said before removing another. “How many blankets do you have?”

“It’s cold!”

Lena moved the last layer and snuggled towards you.

“Make room for me I want to cuddle too.”

“The bed is not big enough!” Your voice was muffled by the blankets.

“There’s always room to cuddle!” Kara opened her arms wide and prepared to jump.

“No no!”

“Kara, if you jump you’re staying on the couch!” Lena glared.

“What happened to you jump, I jump?” Kara pouted.

“I didn’t jump.”

“Get in puppy Ieiu,” you held up the layers of blankets as Kara’s eyes lit up before she crawled under the blankets.

After a while the silence was broken. “So (Y/C/n) is going to tutor you?” Lena smirked.

“Mom,” you groaned.

“What, I need to make sure they won’t distract you.”

“The only thing that is going to be distracting is you and Ieiu.”

“That wasn’t gonna happen, but thanks for the tip.” Lena smiled.

“If it’s like that, (Y/C/n) has to with stand three punches from me.” Kara beamed.

“What? I’m being tutored not going out on a date. Mom please tell Ieiu that that is ridiculous because she has super strength!”

[cardioasscular]

Hi Julie! I'm new to tumblr so I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this. I think that I may have autism. I wasn't diagnosed, but I know that some people aren't diagnosed until later in life for a lot of reasons. I'm just curious if you had any advice for figuring out whether I am on the spectrum? I've done some research but it's hard to know where to start. No pressure if you can't/don't want to answer! :) From, Bee

It’s okay! No problem, and feel free to message me any time! I actually don’t know exactly what to tell you in all honesty because I can’t remember what my life was like before I was diagnosed (I was diagnosed at a young age - I think either 3rd or 4th grade). But I can definitely tell you some things that I know about myself/that I’ve experienced that may be able to help you!

-I’ve always had an intense obsession with one specific topic (usually one main one at a time, with others that are still intense, but not AS much), which has varied through the years. Many autistic people call it a “special interest,” mine right now is TGD. The first one I can remember is dogs, which (of course) I still and will always love. 

-Everything used to be way too loud for me. I do remember that I used to wear earplugs and snow earmuffs in the cafeteria in elementary school. Over time, I learned to be able to tolerate loudness more, but it can still get really overwhelming at times, especially if there’s more than one type of noise at the same time (like when I’m at work and the oven and dough presser are both going, along with people talking and phones ringing.)

-I can’t stand certain textures. Mine are greasy things, like liquid butter or bacon (I still eat it, but I have to get almost all of the grease off with paper towels), and those holographic/3D things that people love to scratch (and make THE WORST sound that I can’t stand, either). I have an autistic friend who can’t stand chalk or fleece. It varies - unlike my friend, I love fleece!

-I either talk way too loud when I’m comfortable around people, or if I’m not, I don’t talk much, if at all. I find it hard to look people directly in the eye and tend to look above or below their eyes. 

-Light, like sound, can get intense for me as well. I have to carry sunglasses with me because sometimes, especially if I’m tired because it seems like my sensory overload problems get worse when I’m tired, the sun is just way too bright and I can’t always get inside to avoid it.

-I tend to do some repetitive actions, and they bring me comfort. For example, I run my hands through my hair a lot, and I pick at/bite my nails and the skin around my nails (yeah, I know, it’s not good for me, I’m trying to kick that habit).

-I find “fidget toys” useful. My favorite are these spinner rings that I have: I have one that’s blue and silver and one that’s kind of rainbow-ish and silver - I got them as a set of 2 on Amazon for like $10 if you think you’d enjoy them!

-I love to hold and squeeze things like pillows and stuffed animals. It’s comforting to me, and the pressure feels amazing - I REALLY want one of those weighted blankets, but they’re expensive and I’m not 100% certain that I’d use it as much as I’d want to (I get really hot at night). 

-When I’m overloaded, sometimes I shut down. I don’t talk, I barely move, I space out, and I stare at one specific spot. Sometimes it scares both other people and myself because they don’t know what’s going on, and I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t physically get the words out. 

-Sometimes I feel my own emotions too intensely. If something makes me really excited, some people would say that I get “too excited.” On the other hand, the worst part is when I’m sad or upset because a minor thing that might make someone else stressed or sad (for example, I got confused about when lab met last week and missed it, and ended up having a meltdown because of it. Most people would probably be stressed and/or upset, but wouldn’t be as upset as I got.)

-On the flip side, I have an EXTREMELY hard time feeling for other people, which I hate because it makes me seem like the stereotypical “empathy-less autistic.” It’s hard for me to relate to others’ troubles, and even though I try to be comforting, I always feel like I’m not doing it right, or that I’m making it worse. There actually have been times when I HAVE made it worse, and it made me feel completely shitty. I’m horrible at giving advice (so if none of this helps, I am extremely sorry). 

-I’m horrible at teaching and giving advice. I have difficulty saying exactly what I mean sometimes, which means that sometimes, people get the wrong idea, or they just don’t understand what I’m trying to say. Most of the time, it’s fine and I can just explain more and people eventually know what I mean, but it’s gotten me into some deep shit before. 

-I’m incredibly observant, which is both a blessing and a curse at times given the situation. I notice things that others may not. A good example was when a few weeks ago, my psychology professor was trying to log into the computer, which was projected on the front of the room. It kept giving the “username/password is incorrect” message, and I noticed that she had accidentally hit the spacebar and there was a space before her username, which fixed the problem. A bad example is when there’s a ton of noise, like I mentioned earlier, or multiple people having multiple conversations. 

I could give so many more examples, but I feel like this is already much longer than I wanted in the first place. 

One thing that I would try is to ask some people around you that you love and trust if they notice any typical actions that seem “weird.” If you’re close with your parents, ask about your actions as a child. 

Questions like, “When did I start talking?” “Did I seem unattached to Mom/Dad at first?” “Did I have any ‘odd’ obsessions?” “Did I fit in with other children my age, or did I stand out due to ‘weird’ actions?” may help. 

Observe your actions, and see if you catch yourself doing something that you don’t know exactly “why” you’re doing it, that other people don’t typically seem to do. 

One thing that I think would really help, if you haven’t already, make some in-person friends (online friends are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but most of the time you can’t see how your online friends act) who are autistic! Observe some of their behavior, maybe ask a few questions like, “why do you do (x)?” and explain that you have some questions about autism, that you’d like to have a better understanding. Although I do feel uncomfortable talking about myself a majority of the time, I am always happy to explain to others who have a good heart and just want to understand, learn, and support. 

Every autistic person is different, so what others may do/feel may not apply to you, and that’s perfectly okay! 

It’s always good to ask questions, and I don’t know about your situation, but many public K-12 schools do some academic testing that can point you in the right direction. If you’re a university student (I’m not 100% sure about it, but the University of Tennessee in Knoxville does this), maybe look into your school’s psychology program. Students (under the direction of their professors, of course) can perform academic testing. I think this does cost, though, and I have no idea what the prices are. My college’s disabilities services program sent me to UT for testing and paid for it so I could have updated information, as my last evaluations were done in elementary school. 

Again, feel free to message me any time! I’m usually available, but sometimes I do get busy, which is why (and I’m so sorry about this) I took a super long time and answered you super late. 

(If you’re autistic as well and have any advice to offer, please feel free to add on!) 

[maximuswolf]

A Story with Uncertain Results via /r/ADHD

A Story with Uncertain Results

Hey everybody, I’m new to this subreddit for a similar reason most new people around here are, which is that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD (age 18……. Better late than never I guess). I noticed a distinct lack of full stories on this subreddit, and I thought it would be interesting to talk about mine to compare.

I consider myself pretty smart. At least, that’s what I’ve always been told. I suppose I could be placed in that class of student who frustrates the “good students” by doing as well as them without studying or even paying attention. I never needed to. Elementary school is strange in that it is exceptionally boring from a schoolwork perspective for those even slightly above average in intelligence. I was the “smart kid” in elementary school, and American school systems do a pretty shitty job of identifying problems in students who aren’t failing. For you see, sustained attention problems do not present themselves when assignments take less than 10 minutes. Task switching is not a problem when you finish tasks so early you get a full 30 minutes between them. Emotional regulation problems aren’t considered when you are a boy (boys will be boys… ok boomer). Now, something that’s actually kind of funny about this is that I absolutely should have gotten lower grades than I did. There was a test I took in 3rd grade where I answered the correct letter for the previous question for the middle half of the test and skipped a question, and my teachers only counted the one I skipped incorrectly. According to them, I just went too fast and that was the only problem.

Fast forward to middle school, which I think is the point that a lot of undiagnosed kids crash for the first time. I bombed the second quarter of middle school with possibly more unsubmitted assignments than submitted ones. It took a ton of work to get back on track, but this wasn’t much of an issue either because, even though I had 30 assignments I needed to complete, none of them took more than 10 minutes and I had 3 weeks to do it. Now, had I been unassisted, they simply wouldn’t have happened, but my history teacher used her own class time to force me to complete my missing assignments for other classes and told my parents that it was just a “boy in middle school” thing. Apparently nobody bothered to note that this was not something that happened for literally any other middle school boy. I did fairly well in the rest of middle school, and now we reach the point in my life where all those emotional skills ADHD doesn’t come with kick in. I never had good friends. I’m sure you could’ve picked this up by now, but as a younger child I was extremely arrogant. In 8th grade though, I actually met some people with whom I spoke. Often. The most important person in this group to include in my story is my future girlfriend, and future future ex-girlfriend.

I was vaguely aware of her crush on me for a long time in 8th grade, but I am not a naturally emotionally available individual, and expressing feelings and physical touch made me extremely uncomfortable for a number of ADHD and non-ADHD related reasons. However, this girl was attached to me, and my lack of emotional tact steadily wore down on her emotional state. When I finally decided that I would actually date her in 9th grade, she had depression for reason both under and not under my control (her relationship with her parents was…. strange to say the least). Over time, it became difficult to talk to her and we both decided it would be better if we parted ways, but that started the long chain of persisting mental health problems that I struggle with today.

Low self esteem was a new experience for me, and anxiety wasn’t something I was used to either. They both hit pretty hard. Hard enough that I quickly also became depressed. My grades suffered, and so my mental state suffered, and so my grades suffered further. At the time, I attributed the grades dropping exclusively to my mental state. I barely ended that year without a C, ending with an A and 6 Bs. One B was a for a class in which I had 11 zero quiz grades throughout the year and a 44 test grade. In this class, we were expected to make 30-70 detailed notecards each unit for the subject we were on. Each one could take 5-10 minutes. And they were incredibly boring to write. Sounds like a great assignment for someone with ADHD. Ironically, I remember trying to force myself to write the notecard about ADHD (it was a psychology class, actually).

I struggled with depression off and on over the next two years and anxiety was a problem that just kept getting worse. Junior year went pretty well, and then Covid hit. I lost the ability to do anything. My anxiety prevented me from asking my teachers for help with anything, and I absolutely needed the help. The primary contributor to my anxiety was an inferiority complex developed through my math classes. I just could not do as well as my peers. I would carry our table through problems during units, but when we got to the test, I would do a good 10 points worse than anyone I thought I should be equal to or better than. I also worked to the time limit on every last one, frequently not finishing them.

My grades were shaky at best for every year of high school other than the first, and this wasn’t something anyone, including my parents had seen from me before. I was constantly bombarded by my parents’ assumption that I had just ceased to care and just didn’t want to do any work. It was destroying me. At one point near the end of sophomore year, I genuinely considered offing myself for about 5 minutes at midnight sitting on the couch of my pitch black living room. I didn’t, but it was closer than I’d like to admit.

Back to senior year, and my depression had mostly subsided. I’m dating again, a rather tomboyish girl who I love dearly (she’d cringe at that sentence). My anxiety ever worsened. I procrastinated asking for college recommendation letters long enough that I had to wait to apply regular decision because my teachers would only write recs if given that extra time, and I don’t even know why I couldn’t get myself to ask. Logically it would be a fear of rejection, but I have no idea why that would be as I’ve never really been rejected in a meaningful situation.

My grades have been ok in online school, but the more important part of this final year of the story is finally talking to my pediatrician about my anxiety…. at 18 years old. Some of the problems I mentioned were apparently inconsistent with anxiety, so I was also referred for a psych eval for neurodevelopmental disorders, but I immediately started therapy for anxiety and depression, which had been alright.

I was evaluated in mid-December, and on the 17th of January I had my telehealth appointment for the evaluation. Fuck. When asked by my therapist what I thought might be wrong with me, I responded “social anxiety and mild ADHD.” Boy was I understating. Apparently feeling as though you are far behind your true potential for several years and being constantly bombarded with others telling you you aren’t good enough does a thing to a person. About that off and on depression I mentioned earlier? BAM cyclothymia. Generalized anxiety disorder wasn’t a surprised, but what did surprised me was my diagnosis of not mild, not even just moderate, but moderate to severe predominantly inattentive ADHD. I’ve actually got the scores from the WAIS-IV I took to compare sections that are heavily impacted by ADHD and those that are not. The section least impacted by ADHD is Verbal Comprehension, on which I scored a 127. My other scores are the real kickers though (I sound old here don’t I…. fuck…. I blame having old parents): Perceptual reasoning: 96, Processing Speed: 89, Working Memory: 80.

Anyways, that was something of a shock. Today was my second day on the minimum dose size for Concerta, and….. I feel exactly the same. I might be a little more awake than usual? I’m also noticeably more tired around 6 pm, but that might just be that I have to wake up earlier now.

So anyways, that’s where I am right now. I’m sure this is difficult to read and I apologize for dumping my life onto this post, but I thought it would be interesting to hear some other peoples’ more detailed experiences, thanks for reading if you got this far.

TL;DR Honestly I don’t think I can really TL;DR this but basically, slightly worse version of stereotypical 18 y/o diagnosis of inattentive type

Submitted January 21, 2021 at 10:22PM by Most-Hedgehog-3312 via reddit https://ift.tt/3p6Yeh3

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/02/13/im-debating-burning-bridges-with-blood-family-any-advice/

I’m debating burning bridges with blood family. Any advice?

So, this is a little hard to talk about but I’ll try. I grew up in a fairly “average” household. Mom, dad, 1 sibling, 1-2 dogs, for a total of 4 humans and a pet or two at any one time. Before the ‘08 recession, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked. Following the recession, my mom went back to work, and my dad went from working 40 hours a week to 90+ hours a week. Not the healthiest, but not exactly abusive or anything like that. I’m starting with this, because I want to establish a baseline – my family wasn’t a “classically abusive family” like some of my friends and peers.

When I was in elementary school, there were 3 things that stood out. First, I was bullied incessantly by everyone (save literally one student I became friends with, but have since fallen out of touch). This began with verbal bullying, then in middle school escalated to being beaten up on four separate occasions, and finally, being punched in the face right in front of the teacher, who refused to do anything. Second, I wasn’t ever challenged academically. After kindergarten (which I completed at the local public school), I stopped being really taught. I attended a private religious school whose standards were so garbage that aside from handwriting, I learned next to nothing in my 8 years in attendance. Most of the teachers were lazy, and they cared only about turning in the homework. You could have every answer wrong on every piece of homework, and every answer wrong on every test, but by virtue of having turned something in, you were considered a “good student”. Meanwhile, anyone who had a “reputation for being smart” would be berated and belittled by the teachers for being ahead of the lesson plan. I was even handed a failing grade on a science project because the teacher hated me. And my grades slowly suffered. Not being challenged like I would’ve been at a public school, I slowly gave up. I went from a straight-A+ student to a student barely making C’s between 3rd & 8th grade. Not because I didn’t get the material (though I definitely didn’t get Spanish, and I thought religion made no logical, scientific sense), but because the homework just bored me to tears. My mom would yell at me every report card I didn’t get an A+, too. My first B, I was grounded for a month. When I started getting C’s, she told me I was worthless. And, when I failed Spanish my last quarter in 8th grade, she threatened to disown me. The third thing that stood out was that in spite of all of this, I tried to keep learning. I read constantly. Between 6th and 8th grade, I kept a spreadsheet of all the books I read, and what genre they were, and in total, read just shy of 1,000 books between my first day of 6th grade and my last day of 8th grade. I tried out Khan Academy, and did independent research. I even learned how to use the library’s database on my own so I could read engineering journals for free. And, all in all, I still loved academia.

In high school though, things began really breaking. I’d wanted to attend this fairly prestigious public school that had an actual engineering program (that included shop time!). But, my mom, not wanting me to risk getting involved with drugs and alcohol and gangs and underage sex and shit like that, very intentionally didn’t wake me on the day for testing to go to that school (we had 1 alarm clock in the house at the time, which was my parents’). So I missed the test. And couldn’t go. So, desperate for a chance to not fuck everything up, I tested at one of the 2 most rigorous private schools in the area. I got in, and was immediately made aware that I’d not learned anywhere near enough in grade school. I didn’t know enough to pass algebra 1 in math, I only passed English because my teacher gave me extended deadlines for everything, and in Chinese, despite doing extremely well at first, the original teacher left (family emergency) and I failed because the new teacher made no sense to me. And I struggled. And failed. And my mom would berate and belittle me for it. Finally, I was told I had failed out my freshman year. I hated myself. Everything I was taught to value – what I was taught was my only value – had just been demonstrated to me to be nonexistent. And therefore, I had no value.

Nowhere to go, I stayed at home that summer. I was brought to a crackpot psychiatrist by my mom, and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He recommended heavy, regulated, and monitored medication, but my mom wouldn’t hear any of it. She finally caved when told about the weakest medication that had the most marginal chance of helping me, but made me figure it out on my own, and with no supervision. She made me enroll in online classes so that I wouldn’t “waste my life being worthless”. I can’t learn online – it’s too detached, with nothing tactile, and no accountability. And it sucked. My depression got worse, and my medication did nothing, and finally, after a massive argument with my mom, I attempted suicide. My mom got home, and found me right before I would’ve died. She called 911, and I was taken to the hospital. My dad rushed home when he heard what had happened. He brought me my childhood stuffed animal, and fresh clothing, and made sure I was given food the moment I was cleared to. He even slept on the floor of the hospital room so he’d be with me. My mom? She didn’t spend time with me. She went, and told everyone she knew about what had happened, even though I explicitly told her that I wanted privacy on the matter. She continuously violated my trust, and refused to own up to it.

Fast forward to the summer I turned 16. I was slowly recovering from depression (and, as had been discovered by the actual psychiatrists I saw in the hospital, PTSD). I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I’d been gaslighted (though at the time, I didn’t know the word for it), and was questioning my gender identity and sexual orientation. I went to the library every day I could, and spoke with the librarians there all the time. They became more family to me than the family I’d been born with. They provided me resources, and helped me understand what I was going through. And when I finally came out, they were the first ones I came out to. When I was 17, I was walking the dogs with my dad one day, when he asked me when I was going to get my driver’s license (I’d not been in a brick-and-mortar school since my freshman year of high school, and I never really did research into driver’s ed). I told him I wanted to wait. He asked me until when. I then, in probably the dumbest move possible, said “until I can transition and change my gender marker.” His reaction was about what was fair, given that I’d never mentioned gender identity in the past to my parents. However, 6 months later, when in a family therapy session, I told my parents I was trans and wanted to medically transition, my dad responded with “let me look into insurance first, please.” My mom? She nearly made me homeless, and were it not for my dad putting his foot down and demanding she treat me with the dignity of a human being, I think that was what she wanted to do.

Over the course of the next year, I was constantly arguing with my mom, who thought my being trans was me trying to “get back at her” for the argument we’d had when I was 15 that led to my suicide attempt. Finally, exhausted, I gave up. I couldn’t take her anymore. I took the GED, got my high school equivalency certificate, and enrolled in community college. I began taking classes right away, hoping that my natural love for learning would be enough. Unfortunately it wasn’t, and I struggled. I took remedials though, and I eventually learned everything I needed. I recently got everything in line to train as a Honda-certified dealership mechanic. This past year, I dipped into my personal savings and began paying for medical transition through my local Planned Parenthood clinic, and got a psych evaluation done that led to a definitive diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum (a psych eval my mom refused to pay for when I was in the hospital)

I’m now 4 months into transition, and have a stable job & classes to take. I have a small network of close friends, and a couple of people who are basically unofficial surrogate family for me. I’m dating a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely in love with. And, I finally have enough money together to move out and burn bridges. Which brings us back to that question. My mom, I have learned, uses gaslighting tactics, is manipulative, and, had I known at a time that I could report it to DCFS, *clearly* qualifies as emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad, while not a bad person, has this giant extended family (60+ total) that I hate (minus my grandpa & 1 cousin), but that he refuses to cut ties with. My younger brother isn’t terrible, but he’s a bit of an ass at times – standard sibling stuff. When I spent New Years with my girlfriend, I’d never felt safer, calmer, or more happy. Sure, part of that is that the relationship is still relatively young, but the safety? I don’t feel safe with anyone, even with the librarians I’m still in touch with, who I trust enough that I’d be confident in making them authorized medical decision makers in the event of my incapacitation (if not for state regulations making it impossible for that to happen). Is the potential damage worth it, in the end?

tl;dr – should I start fresh, even if I regret potentially hurting my dad?

[fkyeahsuga]

Daegu genius Min yoongi pt.1

Yoongi is born in Daegu, the third largest city in South Korea, and has always been there before he came to Seoul. Young Yoongi is a boy who likes playing pranks.

Yoongi loves sports, he likes playing basketball, and is good at running too. He has always been chosen as an athlete for relay races since elementary until high school, and his grades are also slightly higher than average.

“When I was still in school, I’ve won a good amount of basketball competitions, and I still took out Sunday’s free time to play basketball when I was still trainee. My position is usually Point Guard or Shooting Guard, my speed is quick, and I do attack better than defense.” -Suga, ize Magazine interview, 2014.

(This is an incredibly long post, please click keep reading if you would like to read the rest.)

During fifth grade, Yoongi saw a performance of South Korean artist duo ‘Stony Skunk’ on TV. It sparked his interest in music, later on he also learned about Hip-hop and reggae music. During sixth grade, Yoongi started writing lyrics. By that time he already wrote lyrics similar to “Tomorrow”.

It was also during sixth grade when he discovered Epik High’s “Fly”, since then he made his decision to focus on rap. 

Yoongi’s elementary school graduation quote ©️yoongilogy “Sixth grade was fun I love you 3rd class Lastly peace -Yoongi- 

During his middle school days, Yoongi started learning classical music, and started trying to compose his own music. Second year in middle school, Yoongi stood on stage for the first time, performing Dynamic Duo’s "Go Back” with his friends.

Birth of Gloss

After getting in high school, Yoongi joined an underground Hip-hop group called “D-Town”, and started participating in Daegu underground hiphop scenes, his stage name was Gloss. This thumbnail shows his track “518-062” back from 2010 when Yoongi was under his stage name Gloss, the lyrics talk about The Gwangju Uprising.

link to Gloss’s NATE post. (You can find the video there) translation of the track’s lyrics.

During 2010, Gloss posted in forums, and the content was two tracks about D-town. (Source: 闵允其魅力观察所)

Posted on 2010.07.20 20:08 ID: Gloss Views:319 Favorites:0 Title: D-town philosophy of life Beat by: each other Lyrics by: Gloss, Lucid.p, the smile Rap/Vocal by (ft.): Gloss, Lucid.p, the smile Mixing by: Gloss

Posted on 2010.07.30 00:58 ID: Gloss Views:613 Favorites:0 Title: D-Town Baby under thunderbolt-like group Beat by: Eminem beat Lyrics by: Gloss, 낙션, Lucid.p, the smile Rap/Vocal by (ft.): Gloss, 낙션, Lucid.p, the smile Mixing by: Gloss

Yoongi’s self introduction during his second year of high school

I am Kangbuk High school’s second year student Min Yoongi.

I am a lyricist, composer and MIDI composer in a group called D-Town, I also participate as a producer and rapper. My speciality is writing lyrics, composing and making MIDIs. I like to play basketball, read and study MIDI equipments. Although I am still learning, I’ve already worked with a couple rappers active in Daegu to create mixtapes, and did several semi-professional performances.

I still have imperfections, but I have enough confidence, I’ll be more hardworking than anyone else.

Yoongi participated in making of ADV Reflow’s mixtape [REPRESENT] (published in 2011.09.14). As you can see, Yoongi already has quite the reputation and skills while he was in D-Town.

Making music underground is really tough. Yoongi of that time who was active as a producer went through a lot of hardships to save money for equipments. During performances, it would be considered miracle to have more than a hundred audiences.

“I had this thought before, when I succeed, can I build a bridge between mainstream music and underground music? I met a lot of talented people who make good music when I was underground, so I thought, when the day that I’m successful comes, I want to help them create a better environment, I want the world to listen their music.”

Yoongi’s turning point in life

2010, Yoongi joined Bighit’s audition in Daegu, the title is ’So fresh boy G’s in the building’.  

[Bighit audition candidate (Candidate no.2- Min Yoongi) | SUGA of Bangtan Sonyeondan] 

Rough lyrics trans:

So fresh boy G’s in the building

We are D-Town

Last year 17 years old I’m still young

Dream and reality have too much difference

But I still have big dreams

But I don’t care I’m OK I can’t turn back

Every night I leave school at 11

Why do people force me to attend university

I write my beats from dawn to 4 and a half o'clock

Few couple months my parents fought over different opinions

But I’m OK I’m blessed

I’m content with my life now

Even though I don’t have money to make music

I will still drive on my dreams

I will soar to a higher place

Thinking of these makes me bite my teeth and hang in there

I believe I can fly I will soar high enough touch the sky

Countless nights of losing in between studies and music

But I still don’t gain anything

Is there anyone who understands those days I’ve experienced

You people won’t even understand me

Entrance exam deadly choked my neck

Three years of high school life is like a neck-strangling Polo t-shirt

It defeated me, made me unable to breath

Also brought me a lot of frustrations on my path of following my dreams

It’s just bullshit

I believe I can fly I will soar high enough touch the sky

Whatever I don’t care

Just like this I’m OK

I believe I can fly I will soar high enough touch the sky

Whatever I don’t care

Just like this I’m OK

After that, Yoongi joined Bighit’s Rap battle with his track “Swagger” (original: Over by Drack). Yoongi was the first runner-up.

Yoongi in the house

Yoongi’s original intention of joining the company wasn’t as a rapper, but as a producer. At the time, the company wanted to build a group of all rappers (changes were made later on), and Yoongi became a trainee.

(Yoongi from trainee era)

Pdogg PD described Bangtan’s story from preparation to debut on “Idol maker” interview, July 2013.

“ First of all, we went through about 30 trainees. Also, although it’ll never be released, there are a lot of things that we worked on together. We worked on songs and did recordings and saw each other’s reactions that way. That period lasted for about 3 years, and the ones who remained afterwards were Suga, Rap Monster, and J-Hope. I have all the things these three made still on my computer. The kids made an average of at least one song per week, and there were also times when they had assignments. When there were a lot of people we’d split them into teams and have some of them work with foreign pop and some of them work with hip hop. Like, reinterpreting things in a hip hop manner. And when we felt that the number of people was good, we’d re-organize the members. “

We’d also split up the kids who were good at performance and the ones who weren’t. Through that process, they took a direction in earnest for more than a year, and I thought a lot as well. We also had a ton of meetings. After checking everything from the kids’ fashion to their condition, their rap, their singing level, we started working in earnest from November or December of last year. From that time a lot of talk came up. They operated their own blog, and the kids found a direction by choosing the songs or cover songs to upload there, but for me, the thing that was most difficult was having to make music that would be accepted by the general public. In the Korean major music scene, hip hop is just telling love stories through rap.

Read the whole interview here, snippets © bangtanbase

2011, Bighit company wanted to audition more candidates for BTS, hence the Hit It open audition. Yoongi and his fellow trainees Namjoon and Hoseok composed a track called “Paldo Gangsan” as the audition’s propaganda song. Yoongi used Gyeongsangdo satoori for his rap, this track also received a lot of attention from the public.

Also 2011, Bang PD went on MBC’s Star Audition, and in the background there was a chart for trainee’s monthly evaluations.

“December Monthly evaluation, 4th-Min Yoongi”

2012, Yoongi had a guest appearance in Jo Kwon sunbaenim’s MV “I’m Da One”.

(Bonus: Can you believe this happened) 

2013, Yoongi uploaded “SUGA’s Maschine mk2 Review”, in the video he used an OST from movie “The Man from Nowhere” for a mixing demo. The beat used inside was used in Yoongi’s track “The Last (마지막)” from his mixtape released in 2016.

March 5th 2013, Yoongi’s first solo log was published, he talked about the starting point of his music dream.

“The music played now is Epik High sunbaenim’s Fly, it is the song that lead me to hip-hop music, which I am grateful for. Listening to Epik High’s fly, I’ll have the idea of 'It’s time to compose rap’ this kind of thoughts. When I graduated in 2006, I heard this song and I thought, 'Yeah, I want to rap too’, it became my dream, my everything, my life, and it made me into who I am today. It’s the best healing music, Epik High’s fly, like recently I’m abit frustrated so if I listen to it, I will feel energized and motivated to make better music." 

March 9th 2013, Yoongi recorded a long on his birthday. 2chainz’s "Birthday song” was played inside the small working room, at that time he could only pass his birthday with his members.

April 10th 2013’s log showed Yoongi was diligently making preparations for their debut title track.

“Apparently today is also spent on creating the title track, this whole week was dedicated to composing it. I feel my patience is going to hit it’s limit, I had to make alot of fixes to it, and it disrupted my sleeping schedule so I have to sleep in the morning now. Everyone it must be your first time seeing my hair like this, when composing I won’t wear my cap so I’d feel comfortable, this whole week was used to write and compose and rewrite again. Instead of having thoughts like very tired, the idea of using my lyrics and my music to stand on the stage gave me more motivation, I hope I can quickly meet everyone with good music.”

April 30th 2013, Yoongi’s last log before debut.

“It’s now 12AM , dance practice is everyday from 1PM to 8PM, and after that I’ll start writing songs. Now it’s close to finishing the song. While writing it is quite tiring, even though I learn alot from this. Now it’s meeting an end, I’m happy but also reluctant. Actually, I’m wuite happy, I changed my hairstyle, its now shorter and I look more energetic. It will be May really soon, and our debut date is close. I hope everyone will be anticipated, and support us alot.”

Debut

May 24th 2013, BTS’ debut trailer was published.

4th June 2013, Yoongi’s teaser pictures were published.

12th June 2013, on their debut showcase, Yoongi stood in front of fans as BTS member SUGA.

[Timeline sorted according to Japan Official Fanclub’s magazine Vol.2 SUGA’s Biography/ Ize Magazine(130718)/ Ize Magazine(2014)/ Ceci August issue (2013)]

Yoongi the hardworking musical genius

2014, Yoongi’s replies to fans’ question on Twitter.

Q: Usually where do you write your lurics? Living room? Practice room?…..Toilet? Please…!!!!!! kek SG: As for this album, I wrote them in the working room and on AHL’s shooting spots! My part in cypher is written on the plane ride from Brazil to Korea, I’ll write no matter where I am

Other interviews

Q: Please share your moments while writing songs in the work room.

SG: If i post pictures on SNS, it means I’m working smoothly. Usually I update when I feel good writing. I always sleep on my chair in the work room. (JM: He’s always in the work room, as if he made it his house)

[Haru Hana vol.29 ©️kimmyyang]

Q:If you have a short break, what would you like to do most?

SG: If time allows me, I would like to stay in my work room and write songs sleeplessly. Actually today I worked for 2 hours too, the work room is where I feel most relaxed, writing songs in the room is also what I enjoy the most. So if there is a break, I suppose I would still keep on working.

[Haru Hana vol.22 ©️yoogamin]

[VOL.29 Publish #BTS Secret talk.4]

Because of the magazine’s layout, these are conversations that couldn’t be added into the publications. Looking at Yoongi who works hard every night, Jimin always thinks “Should be sleeping all the time~” Yoongi replies, “I almost don’t sleep every night, sometimes I even burn the midnight oil to finish my job, so I would grab every opportunity to rest even during backstage." 

"I think someone who wants to accomplish something cannot loaf on the job, so if I don’t have schedules I will stay in the work room. I’m the type of of person to make alot of tracks and compile them together, it’s my wealthiest possession, like this I can improve my skills, so I’m always trying.” ©️K-Day

“During overseas schedules, being able to soak in baths in the hotel is the best feeling ever, but if I’m in Korea, I would keep myself in the working room and write songs. When I realize, all my tiredness is gone.”

[Cancam magazine ©️ kimmyyang]

Q: Where does your inspirations come from? What kind of environment do you like to work under?

SG: Usually I write better when I’m on plane rides, half of the tracks in my mixtape 'Agust D’ were written on plane rides.

[fans Magazine 2016 November issue, scan ©️ @玧其a]

Elder hyung pair is gentle JIN and cool SUGA. When SUGA stays in his working room, JIN can take over the room of two for himself. The elder hyung room is probably a no-talk, only seldomly cough noises, a really quiet room.

[Kpop Top Idol ©️Baidu_闵玧其Suga吧]

Give it to me lyrics snippet ©Joyce & Vicky @ bts-trans

Cypher pt.4 SUGA’s lyrics snippet © Jessie, Emily, Hyeeun @ bts-trans

Music’s biggest disciple

150615 Yoongi’s twitter update “If there’s any music that can satisfy me, I won’t be where I am today. To make songs that will satisfy everyone is really hard, I really am getting a clearer idea, but also I’m also getting more confused.Actually I would’ve released my mixtape earlier along with Namjoon, but because it got more and more under my expectations so I delayed it. I’m working on both album and mixtape, however it still couldn’t make me feel pleased. Instead of just simply finishing it, I’d rather not do it”

Q: Things that you want to challenge? SG: I’m not particularly interested in anything besides music, however if I have to say, I’d like to try photography, and also stage preparation and MV PD’s job.

Q: So that means you’d love to challenge anything related to music? SG: Yes, my goal is to make comphrehensive content.

[Oricon Style Vol.15 /chansol]

Q: What changes do you think has applied to the current you compared to when you debuted? SG: Nothing changed, no matter when the music and the stage is my top priority. Members are starting to try out different things, but still everyone would prioritize the group for the future and goals of the group, we all strongly share the same idea of it.

[170131 Women’s weekly]

“I began music at the age of 13, but through BTS promotions I seriously thought about what the identity of an idol and musician should be. However I no longer think of that way. Good music will get recognition no matter what. It doesn’t matter if an album is released by an idol or a musician. I am just a person who makes music, making good songs is my top priority. Gaining popularity as an idol or getting recognition as a musician, these thoughts come latter. Lately, it has been enjoyable to be able to work on music with the members. At first, our rap style sounds similar, however now our individual styles are getting more clearer. By having discussions we are able to make better music, and this progress is also a really fun stress? It would be impossible to not feel stressed at all, but I think what suits us now is 'responsibility’ as we want to bring better music to everyone. It might seem arrogant, but this is our swag. Arrogance and swag are different.

[Singles 2017 Jan issue]

"Just using my personality as an example, if I got scolded, I’ll have two reactions: "Ah is it so? I won’t do it again” and “Ok then, I’ll prove it to you”. But towards music, I only have the second attitude, of course in the past I’ve gotten mean comments and questions, such as “You can’t make it” “Making rap brings you nowhere”. But now I no longer feel intensely towards these kind of comments, I’ve left behind these negativity and move on, making me who I am today, I prove that I can make it, and it’s better than expected. In the future I will still keep on showing them my power, and one day they’ll change their idea of me. If I gave up because of the negative comments, thinking “Sigh I no longer can do it”, then I would’ve not held on making my own music for so long. I think my unyielding attitude is an important part in my path to follow my music dreams.“

[10+ Asia Magazine]

"It is actually quite hard to describe our music genre now, we do not want to have our music solely as one genre. Our music is not like Kendrick Lamar, people could tell what genre it is after listening to it. We like Hip-hop, but we do not cling onto it, we would mix EDM, pop or rock genre with it as the base.”

“I believe if it’s what I like, then it’s going to be good.”

“Music was never meant to be judged by producers, but the audience instead. If the music does not suit the audience’s liking, then people wouldn’t like it. Everything will be decided according to the audience’s liking, I guess we don’t have to explain to everyone that 'music should be like this’.”

“I think people’s thoughts will always change, in the current era, rather than searching for music just because people want to listen to music, nowadays people would rather listen to what they have listened to before. And if the music is highly praised, then it would be great music. Our job here is to be persistent on bringing great music to everyone, after getting feedback from the public we would make changes and make our music even better. Judgment power will be completely passed to the audience.”

“Recently I did not think around 'rap should be unique’ or 'it must be hiphop’ thoughts like this, I’d rather focus around my attitude towards music. I would no longer let myself get restricted by thoughts like those. If I like it then it’s going to be good, not because it’s hiphop, but because it’s good music. In the past I have always felt puzzled by it, thinking 'why would it be like this…’ and would also question what people think of us. But now I just want to fully give my all to making music that will touch people’s hearts, so thoughts like 'it should be like this’ has drastically decreased.”

“No matter what, because I’m a person who makes music, so I hope i can satisfy my values of life through music. No matter it’s rap, rhythm beat or composing, we still hope to get everyone’s recognition. I definitely do not want my path on music to end like this, a short 1-2 years of making music. My persistence towards music will always keep on, I want to keep on making music so even if I don’t get what I expected from feedbacks, I still won’t give up that easily. I am very clear that we are unable to make everyone like us, but I believe more and more people will hear our music.”

[Meeting Hiphop SUGA interview]

“We are hiphop idols however in most people’s eyes we’re still commercial idols, and would not be treated as hiphop idols. There are so many doubts. Am I doing the music I always wanted to do? Or is it the music I am supposed to do? It circled around my mind for abit, am I someone who wants to express himself, or someone who wants to make music? Thinking back and forth, I hope I can have a more philosophical view on music.”

[American Hustle Life]

Q: Is it easier to make music under stressful conditions for you?

SG: Indeed it is easier to write more music when I am having emotional times, but it’s not because I’m sad or happy or having any kind of emotions while I write them. It would be ideal to be able to squeeze creative juices for song writing under any kind of situation.

[Haru Hana vol.22]

ASTA TV: It is undeniable that among k-idol groups, BTS’ sharp dance moves are really dazzling. But I have a question for Min PD, when you have tough times when making music, do you have tips to overcome them?

SG: Actually no matter what problem it is, I can only think of that I should just get over with it. Same goes to music, as everything on the world would have their own tough times too, it could be short term or long term. But i believe if I just don’t give up, it would all become better.

[ASTA TV ©️adre95xx]

Compilation ©Yunyiya  Translation ©Admin Sera

Part two

[forceyourway]

Tree of Life Shadow Work Challenge

Day Three: “What aspect of my home life might I benefit from taking into consideration?”

(Using Loki’s tarot deck, “The Raven’s Prophecy Tarot”)

I’m loathe to take a picture of the entire tree again, because it’s a pain to assemble. I totally took one and then realized I set it up wrong and sigh. I might edit this with the tree picture later.

Six of Cups - I thought this was a weird card to be here, because it’s literally about considering your childhood. Like he’s just saying the question back at me, y’know? It might be that I need to acknowledge positive memories, because I’m so overwhelmed by negative ones. It might just be talking about evaluating my childhood self, and who I was then. There is a sort of implication of innocence? I think with this. Like, all of this stuff happened, and I was a child.

Home Life - Security, Belonging, Self-Worth

Reflect on what your home life was like growing up. Consider things like household income, inter-family relationship dynamics, overall lifestyle, etc. Was financial stability a source of stress? Was the relationship between your parents conflicted? Did you feel accepted by your family? Did you feel safe at home? Did you live a life in a suburban setting, in the boonies, in an orphanage?

Security My childhood was comfortable, financially-speaking. My dad has a very high-paying job. We moved out of our townhouse, and into a house-house when I was in 3rd-ish grade, and we rented out the townhouse. Every now and then, my dad would need to go there to fix something or what have you, as the owner, and my sister and I were always very excited to tag along. We wanted to go back and see where we grew up, and see if our old babysitter was available to play with, or go to the park. The park behind our house was pretty much always changing, so that was neat. One time, my sister and I were wandering around the Big Park. We heard they had a splash pad, but when we went there, the water was off, and we couldn’t figure out how to turn it on. Some other kids were there, older kids, probably 16+. About 5 of them, I think. We followed them through a path in the woods that led to a park we’d never been to before. Along the way, I picked up a big stick and was using it like a walking staff, as kids do. I kept trying to talk to the other kids, oblivious that they did not want to play with me, and they took offense to being followed around by an annoying white girl with a big stick. It came to a point where they were demanding I put the stick down, and I stood my ground, because wtf this is my stick, I found it, I’m keeping it. I didn’t understand the connotation. They beat the shit out of me. All of them. I remember hitting the ground hard, and pain. My sister ran. I was in middle school at the time, and she was even younger, but it stuck with me that she ran. When I told my dad what happened, he at first acted like he didn’t believe me, and then said he’d go investigate and tell the other kids off. That was a lie. I really thought he was gonna do it, and was really hurt when he didn’t. He ended up hardly acknowledging what happened to me at all. This is why I have abandonment issues. I grew up feeling like I couldn’t rely on my family to protect me when I needed it. Later, toward the end of middle school, I got into a fight with a girl at her sleepover party. She’d been pushing me around all night, and when she tried to pour body spray down my back, that was the last straw. I grabbed the closest thing and chucked it at her. I think I meant to grab my pillow - it was right there - but ended up grabbing a tiny (as in, could fit in your hand) wire earring-case or whatever. I remember being shocked when I saw what I did. It hit her in the head/face. She started screaming “You hurt me!” and started kicking me repeatedly in the stomach. Pain. Chaos. I couldn’t so much breathe. Her mother looked at me like I was dirt after that, because I must have deserved it. Her father wasn’t so sure, but I still needed to get out of their house immediately. My dad picked me up. He remembered what happened at the park, and said I must have deserved it. I didn’t tell him what happened. None of the girls stood up for me, either. They were kind of complicit, in that they let her - or joined in on - pushing me around the whole night, before the fight...

We grew up in a small town in a suburb-ish area. No crime to speak of. There were a couple of kids our age on the street, most notably two sisters who were me and my sister’s best friends. Their mother hated us and was very vocal about it with our parents, telling them we had “A Serious Problem.” All the damn time. She and her friend (another neighbor) kept calling me a Smartass. I...didn’t know what that meant. Ever oblivious and ever self-incriminating, I took it as a compliment and said thank you. That hardly helped matters. It took me a long time to realize that the girls pretty much didn’t give a shit about us; they played with us when it was convenient, but not when others were around. The younger one and my sister got physical a lot. They made fun of us all the time, and mostly it went over our heads. My mom was very irresponsible with money, eating out all the time, shopping all the time, etc. And frequently she was out of work; most of her jobs were as a temp, and there was a lot of in-between time. This was a huge point of tension with her and my dad, and eventually we ended up very deep in debt, though it hardly showed. My dad started gambling to compensate; sometimes he won big, but mostly it was just a huge money drain, and it became an addiction for him. When my mom finally left my dad for good, he got stuck with the debt, and essentially went bankrupt. He’s now living in my decrepit childhood home, eating ramen noodles, and god only knows how far behind he is on the bills. He’s still got that good job, but it’s not enough, and he's still gambling. My parents were always fighting, and my dad got so loud that I was always expecting something physical to go down. Always expecting I was gonna get hit. My mom got physical with me. My sister got physical with me. My dad got physical with me (after I provoked him). Home was not a safe place for me. I didn’t feel I could rely on my family. My mother was always late, very late, when picking me up from school, like I was an afterthought. They abandoned me when I needed them, and they sure as hell didn’t protect me. I used to pretend that maybe I wasn’t really their child, maybe I was secretly adopted. I’d convince myself that to help me get by. Unfortunately, I saw too much of them in me - and me in them - to keep acting as if they weren’t my “real” parents.

Belonging My parents really, really wanted me to be someone else. I hated shopping with my mom, because she was always trying to play dress up with me. Put stuff on me I didn’t like, because that’s how she wanted me to be. And she’d get aggressive if I refused to go with her, or told her I didn’t like the clothes. To this day, she thinks I’m still in some “goth” phase, despite constantly wearing varied and multicolored outfits around her for many years. A few years ago, when I was looking for a job, she told me she found an opening at whatever-store-or-other...which she immediately followed with “as if you could ever work there; you have no fashion sense!” I have excellent fashion sense, thank you. My dad actually forced me to go to a tanning booth when I was...14? 15? because I was pale and I had acne, and he was trying to “fix” it. I was super, super opposed to this, but he forced me into it, telling me I should be grateful and all that shit. I was supposed to get naked and lay in this freaky light machine. I remember being super uncomfortable, and I refused to strip all the way down. He was so, so angry with me. We didn’t go again.

To this day, my dad constantly remarks on what a weird kid I am. How it’s not “normal” that I don’t drink or smoke (or that I never have), and he started smoking when he was 12, or whatever, and used to steal beer all the time. It seemed like he wanted me to do all that stuff, because it was “part of growing up???” I am wondering now if this might be one of his weird as hell attempts at humor; the problem with that is, no one ever knows when he’s kidding...

Self-worth I suck at math. I have dyscalclia. I just don’t brain it right. My dad is obsessed with math. I went through workbook after workbook as a child, in some attempt to make me good at it. I hated them. I snuck calculators when calculators weren’t allowed. Never learned my times tables; to this day, he’ll throw a random multiplication question at me every now and then. I was forced to go to Math Camp, which I hated. I think I might have cried one day, on the way. Nothing helped. When I went to the second Catholic school, the one with the Hive Mentality, my math teacher did a thing where we had to do warm-up problems before we could do anything else. Everyone brought up their notebooks and she’d check them, and then they’d go on to the next thing. I spent the whole class going up. I had no idea what I was doing wrong, and she refused to help me. I was in tears by the end, just writing down random answers after going through every possible way I could have gotten it wrong.

I was really good at school, once I hit public school. Always on Honor Roll. In high school, I came close to having straight A’s a few times, but math always held me back. It was pretty solidly at a C. I had one geometry teacher who refused to help me - or anyone - when we were struggling. I think I got a D. First time ever. Of course, a huge deal was made about this. The next semester, I got a new geometry teacher, and instantly shot up to an A. He was very kind and helpful, and he used colored chalk so you could see the different elements of a problem. I had like a 103%, and was super, super proud that I shot from a D to an A, and I had straight A’s. My dad just said “We’ll see how long that lasts.” When my sister got straight A’s, he gave her $100, because she was the “dumb” one, and I was the “smart” one, and I should have had straight A’s all the time???

[starryloft]

Honestly, don't be a fucktard in life

Honestly, some people are amazing at twisting their words.

I used to group with this 2 friends of mine since year 1, let's name the one that's currently in my class as S and the one that's NOT in my class as W. With S, W and me, 2 other girls make up a clique.

I'm currently in my 3rd and last year of getting my diploma. I've always worked with S and W since year 1. So I have an understanding that S does work. Apparently, in this year 3, 1st semester, it wasn't so.

S, me and the 2 other girls from our class since year 1, formed a new clique. Obviously so because we are in the same class. WHILE W IS IN ANOTHER CLASS. NOTE THAT I STATE W IS IN ANOTHER CLASS.

S was nothing but an utter freeloader this entire semester. The group REPEATED tried to include her and asked her stuff. Her response? Nothing but half baked and vague answers. What's a normal person to do?

Moving on, the group wanted to meet to discuss about the assignments. ONCE AGAIN, TAKE NOTE THAT IT'S ASSIGNMENTS WITH AN S. So it's not only ONE assignment, it's MULTIPLE assignments. Since S has been giving vague and half baked answers all semester, and with multiple assignments due on the same day, I simply gave her a yes/no option. What I literally messaged her was, "S, are you coming to my house tmr? Yes or no lollll"

I honestly see no reason as to why she felt compelled to send the message, "I Skype you guys" to "I think I Skype you guys". I have no idea what difference the "I think" adds into the context, but if S really feels that she wants to, so be it.

Let's talk about the Skype call on the day that me and the other 2 girls met at my house. If you are wondering why of all places to meet, it would be my house, the reason is:

1. My house is the most convienent out of everyone

2. Everyone has been coming since year 1 (once again, this information is crucial)

3. No one else is willing to open their house

Anyways, me and the other 2 girls met in my house. We skyped the girl. We discussed about our assignments blah blah blah. After that, I was getting really annoyed because I started to think about how useless and incompetent she really has been for the whole semester. I simply asked her, "S, is there something going on in your life or something? Because the amount of work and quality of work you are putting in is kinda terrible". I cannot state right from the get go that it's utter trash. I was literally trying my best to sugar coat. This stupid S started saying how she had a mental breakdown, and took 2 days break. Okay, can.

The thing is, we allocated her to place photos into the site A WEEK AGO. We found her the pictures, and ALL SHE NEED TO DO WAS ADD IT IN. She took a whole week, TO ADD IN 2 PICTURES. Honestly, if this isn't what you call a fucktard, I have no idea what else to call her.

Let's change the assignment now shall we? Let's move on to assignment 2.

Assignment 2 is lesson planning. S literally did nothing for the ENTIRE assignment, and on the day of implementation, she fucked up. The whole group fucked up. Everyone fucked up. Me and the other 2 girls, got really mad and angst. We have our own personal lives to deal with, we spend the night doing all these assignments. And in the end, we need to get the same grade as S? Think about it, anyone with a sane mind will think that it's unfair.

Right after the class ended, we told S that we wanted to peer evaluate her. The only reason she could give us to convince us was, "I don't want to remod". WHO WANTS TO REMOD dumb shit. Our grades for the first assignment was pretty nasty, and we put in the effort to save our grades. What makes you think you can get a free ride from us? And further more, she even acknowledged that she contributed literally nothing for the assignment. I have the recording.

The only thing that's going on in her life is school. ONLY SCHOOL. Me and the 2 other girls has way more commitments than the other girl. I honestly have no idea what makes it so difficult for her to contribute to the assignment. Anyways, remember W? This is when she comes into the picture.

S started telling W that me and the 2 other girls wanted to peer evaluate her. So what did W do? Gossip and spread the word! People that we thought were friends with us since year 1, started messaging us - to guilt trip us for wanting to peer evaluate a friend.

Let's be honest, what's the definition of a friend? Apparently, S's definition of a friend is to freeload off them? I personally really feel like she needs to think back of her actions before claiming that she feels betrayed by us because she thought we were "friends". If a friend is one who freeloads for the entire semester and acts so self entitled, I do not need that friend. Heck, losing a friend isn't that hard for me. In fact, I lived my life solo for 5 whole years in my high school. It wasn't that hard. Moving on with the story...

Lets go back to the first assignment. Me and the 2 other girls spent the entire night completing the site for assignment 1. Damn, we didn't sleep the whole night. We literally did the damn site from 12pm to 5pm and 11pm to 9am. What did we get from it? S stirring shit up.

Me and the 2 other girls literally just submitted the assignment. I've been really stressed all semester. I've been vomiting real bad, like everyday. I've been sleeping at 3-4am for the past 1 month. I have really bad backache from my bad posture to complete my assignments. And my period never even came once during the entire semester (1 semester is roughly 14 weeks?)

Right after submitting, I ran to the toilet RIGHT AWAY to vomit. I was literally in the middle of vomiting, when my lecturer messaged me - saying that me and the 2 other girls needed to come down to the school to meet her. She stressed that it was urgent.

Mind you. We spent the whole night doing assignment. Heck, when we submitted the assignment, the sun had risen. We spent the whole night doing, we haven't even slept and we need to go to school???? ON A DAY THAT WE DON'T HAVE LESSONS?

Long story cut short, we went to meet the lecturers and we saw S acting all pitiful as always. I have to really acknowledge her ability to twist words and cry on cue.

The lecturer in charge of the assignment didn't really take sides, however our class advisor was clearly siding her and casually spitting her comments that no one really appreciated as me and one of the 2 other girls were saying. (Honestly, fuck our class advisor. You suck at your fucking job. You met us only once in the whole sem.) The other girl went to the hospital to get an IV drip, because she was feeling THAT SICK.

S said mainly:

1. Me and the 2 other girls do work late

2. She didn't have assess to the site

3. We didn't include her

Alright. Let's get a few facts straight with this fucktard.

1. We all have our personal schedules. Like I said earlier, we all have WAY MORE commitments than S - which only has school. We have school in the morning till afternoon. After that, we need to attend to our other commitments. And we have assignments due. Let's use our brains to think shall we? God gave us a brain for a reason after all. You have school from morning till late afternoon. From evening till night you are settling your other commitments. By logical thinking, when and what are you supposed to do to complete your assignments? Obvious answer: stay up till you complete your assignments! WOW THAT DIDNT USE MUCH BRAIN CELLS DID IT.

BUT WAIT, S DOESNT HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY TO THINK THAT FAR.

2. S CLEARLY HAD ASSESS TO THE SITE. The group created a group gmail account to assess the site. We had notified her that the site has been changed. By common sense, you should have been able to know that the site is still the same!

As long as you take the effort to simply log in, you would have been able to see the site! WELL, WASNT THAT SIMPLE.

3. We tried many ways to include her. I even played a fucking mobile game to talk to her. AND TALKED CRAP FOR 30 WHOLE MINUTES. JUST TO PROVIDE HER WITH AN OPPORTUNITY. I have mobile games. I hate it but I honestly had no idea how to talk to her. So I had to play it. The other 2 girls did try to include her too.

Every single time we tried, she would reject and brush off aside and say, "I'll Skype you guys"

Since we have gotten these 3 points clarified, let's move on to why the situation had escalated such that the lecturers demanded to see us.

First thing in the morning, S and her parents went to see the lecturers. S expertly twisted words and portrayed herself as the victim. And that wasn't all! S required MORE moral support!

So W brought down her group of friends to give her moral support. (Her group of friends are also the ones trying to guilt trip us) and God knows why this stupid dumb fuck, let's call her J is involved too. She has absolutely no connection to me and the 2 other girls. (Seriously, why are you joining side the fray for?)

Me and the 2 other girls talked about our point of view and shut S down for being such a fucktard. Apparently from what I heard, S's parents were very sad because the lecturer had said that it was S's fault. It was her personality fault for being timid and not courageous (I honestly have no idea who's timid and not courageous since she's able to twist stories and put so much MSG into her stories and tell so many people about it).

I don't feel guilty in the slightest really. I only feel bad for myself and the 2 other girls.

I feel bad for even allowing myself to know about S's very existence. Her very existence is a mistake and me knowing about her very existence is an error.

Honestly, fuck you S. (I hope that society trashes you so bad in life that you just fucking cry your guts out)

You have done nothing but made my anxiety hit the roof and made me bring out my bitch tactics. If I really want to, I can slowly fuck with you but your existence itself isn't that important to me. I'll let society deal with fucktards like you.

[arikaslife]

My College Life - My Life Changing

I remember almost exactly a year ago when college decisions came out. I was devastated. Life was so hard for me because finally I choose a faculty I really didn’t want to be. The story started in the end of March, the last minute of clicking SNMPTN website. I was so depressed when my whole family forbid me to get into medical school. I was shocked and felt that my struggle is useless. I felt like I’ve done too much, won several competition to get certificates, attended national seminars, took english and science course, etc.  I’ve done mental calculations in my head, which I would evaluate myself against my peers, figure that I was in the top 10% of my school, and, yes, statistically speaking, coming from a rich and well educated school like SMAN 5, there is somewhat hopeful chance that, yes, I do deserve to go to medical school. And yes, I was accepted in Medical Faculty in Gadjah Mada University from PBUB Category). But being accepted there still didn’t make my parents agree if I take medical school as my future profession. I was really mad with my parents, because they were the first supporter when I want to be a doctor. They said a bitter reality about the salary and the long journey I will take.

“It really doesn’t matter for me, please allow me to choose what i love”, said me.

“Why do you want to be a doctor?”, my parents said

“Because it’s my ambition since I was kid.”

“Nonsense, Please searching for other reason”, my parents said.

I was so overwhelmed. I really didn’t know what to said, so the argument was winning by my parents.

“You are so immature. Look at deep at yourself. You have great math skill. And you have a good teaching skill too. You can continue your study abroad.”

I didn’t know what to said anymore, I have to agree that I took teacher’s college as my future profession. It was really tough since many people judged my decision. I didn’t listen to what my parents said because i was to busy to listen to other people’s judge.

3rd of August, 2016

For the first couple of weeks when I attended Math Education in Sriwijaya University, I was confident, but I was also arrogant as hell. I prided myself knowing that I was better than everyone else because I wasn’t part of the system and because I belonged at a higher-ranked school.

I’ve done things that were immature and were lashing outs from my bruised ego. One of them was that I chose comfort over uncertainty. To me, weekends were not interesting enough for me to go out and venture. People were either spending weekends partying or staying indoors studying. I chose to not associate with either stereotype and just lounged in my room. I would surf online sometimes, play piano , but generally, I felt too suffocated to do homework, but too repulsed to go out. I also didn’t expend the effort to make close friends. My schedule is packed. I’m busy, how would I have time to make friends? Another consideration was that it was hard to find someone as intellectually stimulating as me. I was depressed for around 3 months.

September, 2016

In that day, I really wanted to eat Baskin Robbins Ice Cream. So I went to one of BR store in the mall. There, I met Jo. A little bit story about him. We were friends since we were in 3rd class of elementary school. Although we came from different school, we almost met every week to compete each other to win math/science competitions. Now he is living in Singapore and continue his study in NTU because the scholarship of winning math olympiad. Back to the moment I met him in BR. We talked a lot about our childhood and our current life. Then I talked about my current sad life. But surprisedly he lifted me up that everything is going to be okay. He said “  It is all in God’s plan. Every class we are taking, every relationship and friendship, every due date, every extracurricular: It is all in His plan. All these things are paving the road along our path. He is bigger than any problem, any struggle, any worry. God is all-knowing; He knows who will stay your friends after college, He knows the grade you will get on your test, and who you will spend the rest of your life with. It is all figured out by Him, so all we need to do is trust. You know, if you said your life is hard, me too. Do you think that if I’ve graduated from NTU, I will be accepted in good corporate easily? No. Everyone has their own struggle arika, just enjoy the process. If you don’t like being a teacher in Indonesia, you can be a teacher in Aussie, USA, Singapore, Malay, Brunei, and other countries, right? I think you just need to work hard in IELTS and your final academic result. Or if you want to be a business woman, you can have some business coach from the expert and become a CEO of International school like Ko Joni (Founder of IGS).”

And the last he said “It’s not about the position you are in life. It’s about the velocity at which you are going.” This struck me viscerally. Most of my life I’ve been trying to get to point B, and always felt like I’ve been shortchanged or I’ve been staggering behind. The regrets of the past and the worries of the future bothered me so much they’ve made me miserable and helpless. Everything was outside my control.

I WAS SO SPEECHLESS AT THAT TIME. I really didn’t know what to said except THANKYOU. It took Jo’s words to understand the only thing I should focus on was the present and how I was continuing to develop.  Thankyou for opening my eyes to see new chance in my life. Start from there, I really did what he said to me, looking for ielts materials and business coach.

My life changing

After hearing what Jo have said to me, I started to building up my confidence and improve myself. I learn much about ielts, business,and personal development materials everyday. I have 3 best business coach in my life. They are my parents, mr patrick (business coach from valutaintment) and mr chandra putra. They are the best people who lift me when there is no one else will. i THANKED them much, for unrequitted lesson I’ve ever got, for the guidance and effort to make me improved. Today I run my own education business. I never guess that I can buy new macbook (since the old one is crash), buy things for my mom and dad, go to nice places, and the happiest is i can contribute my money to my lasic surgery last week. 

For those of you who read this and think I just want to show up , NO. I dont mean that way. I want to show everyone that it is possible to PROVE THEM WRONG. I want to show you that you don’t have to live your life based on what other people said. Listen to people who love you and who cares for you.  If you have a certain passion or talent, odds are God wants you to use them for His glory and purpose.  To understand that God’s plan for our lives is probably not what we have chosen is to realize that He is always thinking larger than we are. He’s thinking about the blessings and fruit that will come from our lives, while we often think about job security or our income. God is more concerned with your life than you can possibly imagine; He wants you to truly entrust your life into his good, perfect and pleasing will.

Now that I’m done with my first year here, I feel a new sense of excitement and adventure in my life! I’m heavily involved with the most amazing people, I have a supportive network of friends,  and I’m learning so much from my school, my peers, and myself.

[bipolarblurbz-blog]

Where Would I Be if I Were Born 25 Years Later?

I wish I had known a long time ago about my mental illness. As the saying goes, “hindsight is 20/20” and my life played out as it should have, but I believe I would be “further along” intellectually, emotionally, and professionally had I been born 25 years later. I speak from an education perspective, because I believe that school is critical to a child’s neurodevelopmental, social growth, academic success, and ultimately their professional career. Today it appears that parents have a much better sense of their child’s character and surroundings, an awareness of potential psychological disorders and, perhaps most important, a closer relationship with their child’s teacher than years past. Teachers are privy to a child’s daily behavior and their associated developmental and learning disorders, and are often the first to recognize the need for intervention. Either way, it feels as though children are looked after and cared for in a way that I was not. And because of this, many get the support and help that they need to do their best in school, on the playground, and at home. I can still see my 3rd grade self being put in the corner for acting out. It was not until recently that I realized that I wasn’t a bad or misbehaved kid, I just couldn’t sit in my chair for an entire lesson. Had it been known that I had ADHD, then maybe I could have had the tools and, perhaps, medication to improve my school experience, and positively influence my life’s path. I always dreaded school assignments from elementary grades through college. Some people actually get enjoyment from learning! Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. I imagine this is because it was painfully difficult for me to focus to get work done; there is nothing enjoyable about that. People with ADHD are often quite bright and, because of this, the disorder goes unnoticed until the student can no longer “keep up.” This means that I was smart enough to get the work done even though I was comprehending far less than 100% of the lesson being taught. This explains my grades; both academic and conduct. I would soar academically and drown in conduct. Talking out of turn and to classmates, and getting out of your chair disrupted the class and are significant factors that affect conduct grades. I remember doing all of that. By junior high, my grades started to slip in some classes from A’s to B’s, spoiling my chances of getting into “honors-level” courses. I fell even further behind in high school. Courses were harder and more demanding, and I just couldn’t keep up. The student advisors were useless; we’d meet 1-2 times per year and accomplish next to nothing. They should be required to assess a student who isn’t doing well, and ask questions in an attempt to identify the potential cause and demand further evaluation, so that a proper diagnosis and treatment can be prescribed. Teachers working in my school didn’t talk to students or their parents about their progress, or lack thereof. Any news that got back to my parents was simply what I was telling them; and my report card of course. Neither of which told the whole story. But my home was chaotic and my mother didn’t have the time nor energy to understand and help all four of her children. My father was never involved; he was too busy being an alcoholic. My mother was the disciplinarian and caretaker. But she wasn’t able to see my poor grades as something beyond “laziness”, “misbehavior” and “carelessness” and to get me the help I needed to thrive in the school environment; ironic because my mother, herself, was a middle school teacher for 40 years. If I complained about school being hard or making me anxious, she would tell me something to the effect, “Well, I don’t know. You’re a bright girl and have a high IQ. You have the highest IQ of your three siblings.” But that didn’t help at all, nor did it matter to me. I was crying out for help, feeling as if I was drowning at school. Unfortunately, my calls for help went unanswered. My mom didn’t have anything to give; she was spent from the turmoil that was her life. It hurts my heart when I think about high school because I know I’m smart and could’ve done well. I could’ve learned and participated more, and ENJOYED the classes, but I had untreated ADHD, and symptoms of depression coupled with anxiety that began to significantly affect my performance. I remember having anxiety as early as junior high. That followed me into high school where it got worse, eventually becoming acute anxiety. Walking from the bus to homeroom was agonizing. Homeroom to first period, agonizing. Sitting at lunch, agonizing. Getting on the bus to home, agonizing still. I had no self-esteem; common for someone with ADHD who is often forgetful and clumsy and just can’t seem to “get it together”. Self-worthlessness shared space in my head with depression and anxiety. I managed to make friends, play sports, and make it through high school despite my struggles. I felt lucky that my state university accepted me -- I swear it was God working magic! My 2.8 GPA got me into their reputable business school. I chose a major in business administration because I was strong in math, and it seemed like a more functional degree to have when looking for a job after college. I remember arriving at college feeling clueless and terrified. My anxiety was debilitating, and coupled with my ADHD, I felt paralyzed. I was scared to go to class because I knew I could not pay attention and didn’t want the professor to call on me. I could not speak in class. I was horrified to give an oral presentation and would worry from the day I received the syllabus until the date of the presentation (usually 4 months in between!). I loathed working in groups and frequently didn’t produce my piece of the pie. (As a child of an alcoholic, you hide the truth and do anything you can to appear “normal.” Relationships are difficult to foster and hard to keep, and you don’t want anyone to see your weaknesses, so you do your best to not show any.). I skipped class often and would daydream during class; missing whatever the professor was saying. I would’ve been better off sleeping or going to the gym because I would’ve done something productive. I was so unbelievably not “present” that I FAILED the introductory course to my major! In the business school, you had to take an intro class for each department to confirm that the one you chose was something that you could succeed and were interested in (i.e. Intro to Marketing, Accounting, etc.). Since I could not pay attention in class, I would often not attend and would subsequently fail the exams. Consequently, I teetered my senior year on the seesaw of graduation or failure, while working my tail off to make that class up. Hard to believe I was taking an introductory course and the more challenging classes that are required just before you graduate at the same time. This was my life – a sad young woman who was lost and fearful, always trying to clean up her mess. I am a good example of what happens when mental illness goes unnoticed and untreated, while the person suffers, but either thinks it’s normal because they don’t know better or doesn’t understand why they feel the way they do. So, IF I were born 25 years later, my life might have looked like this: My parents and teachers would’ve gotten me help in elementary school where I would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and put on a treatment plan. This wouldn’t necessarily include medication; however, as an adult I have responded very well to stimulants. I would’ve enjoyed school more and performed better. I imagine a chain reaction, with an early diagnosis and this newfound focus being my elixir to thrive academically, socially and emotionally.

Nothing is perfect though. I did develop depression (now diagnosed bipolar disorder II), anxiety, and PTSD, and those too would’ve had to be addressed as I reached my high school years. I would have had all my diagnoses and been treated consistently from high school to college and thereafter. I believe had my mental illness been cared for sooner, I would have chased my passion for languages. I started to learn Spanish and French and adored them both, but like anyone with ADHD, you start many “projects” and have 100 going at the same time, but you can’t ever complete any. Also with self-esteem and self-worth (squashed by untreated mental illness and an unhealthy home environment), I would have applied myself in all aspects of my life and progressed more quickly professionally and in my relationships. I never had a problem making or keeping friendships, but I also didn’t show them all of me, just a few. I was the friend who quietly listened, gave the feedback that they wanted to hear and shelled out compliments like candy to avoid talking about myself. The perfect people pleaser, typical of a child of an alcoholic. But I did have a social life and friends, that wasn’t my problem. I had a terror of boys and men and didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 23 years old and I plan to marry in my 40’s. Maybe that’s the way it was going to be regardless, but I like to think that losing trust in men at a very young was a result of fearing my alcoholic father and growing up with parents in a dead marriage. I don’t attach mental illness to hiding myself from friends or being scared of males, but anxiety definitely contributed to feeling very uncomfortable around them, platonically or not. Doesn’t mental illness, though, impede life from moving forward? Not until recently did I no longer sense an immaturity (not naivety) that I had when thinking about being an “adult” (i.e. sustaining a serious relationship, getting married, having children, etc.) It took time for me to get a proper diagnosis, which had a negative effect succeeding in romantic relationships and jobs, and may have correlated to the relapses I had from stopping my medication. To me, mental illness, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, undoubtedly stunted me emotionally and affected my growth into adulthood.

But, this was my path and I am who I am as a result. And despite the lack of mental health intervention and my many struggles, I’ve managed to find my way to create a life for myself, rich with wonderful friends and a loving fiancé, and will continue to push myself to grow emotionally and spiritually. This is why I am bravely taking on the challenge of blogging my way through mental illness and pain in pursuit of mental health, just like how I eat well and exercise for my physical health. My hope is that I won’t allow fear to stop me even though each time I sit down to write, I am slapped with paralysis. I have to remind myself to write from the heart and the words will flow. “There is no shame in your story. There is no shame in your writing.” I imagine the more I write the better my writing will become and the prouder I’ll feel about my progress. There’s only going up from here!

[forceyourway]

Tree of Life Shadow Work Challenge

Day Two: “What facet of my childhood have I overlooked or otherwise need to evaluate?”

(Using Loki’s tarot deck, “The Raven’s Prophecy Tarot”)

The Magician - A master of all they undertake, The Magician has extraordinary influence on the world. They’re versatile; they can shape things and bring them into being, alter them, and destroy them. As such, they are in a sense indomitable; they can take whatever the world throws at them and make it their own. I thought this would be Loki’s signifier, as I experience him very much in this way, but he ended up going for the Nine of Wands. I do maintain that he fits the description, and though it may not be is calling card, he is The Magician all the same. This may be about recognizing how he fits into my life, and/or about recognizing my own power and ability to control my destiny. Both, probably. Both is good.

My Childhood

Trace back your memories as far as you can. Try to overview your early life in as much detail as possible. Articulate or otherwise express how you experienced childhood as a whole. Heed to any areas of resistance you encounter. Note pivotal turning points or memories that stand out. Attempt to recall the first time you experienced emotions like sadness, anger, jealousy, anxiety, remorse, and contempt.

TW: abuse, child abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse, spiritual abuse, bullying, Christianity

It sucked, basically. My mom’s abusive, my dad’s abusive, my sister’s abusive, everyone’s abusive.

When I was young, I’m not sure how young, but before 3rd grade, my dad was setting off fireworks in the backyard. He’s still really into that. They’re illegal in my state, so a police car came by, and I think they were asking my dad questions. My babysitter took me and my sister and ran upstairs to hide. Maybe in a closet. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I was scared. That’s probably my first “fear” moment. That or walking in on my mom watching poltergeist, holy shit that was terrifying. I still can’t do scary movies, especially not supernatural ones. I had a crush on the boy who lived a few houses down. He was a few years older than me, and his sister was the babysitter mentioned above. Sometimes I hung out over at their house, playing Sonic and stuff. One day, he and his older brother staged some kind of ridiculous murder scene downstairs. They kept trying to get me down by bribing me with lollipops, but I kept refusing. I knew they were up to something. I don’t remember how I ended up going down - maybe just to get them to stop bugging me - but they played out this whole thing where there was a murderer in the house and he was slowly killing everyone. Ketchup and lemonade (to make their voice hoarse, as if they were choked) were involved. I knew the “blood” was ketchup and that everything was fake, but ended up getting really upset by the thought of my crush being murdered. That’s probably my first “anxiety/despair” moment.

We moved the summer before I started 3rd grade, I think, and stayed there for the entirety of my childhood.  I’m not sure when my parents started going at each other. I remember we went to Disney World, maybe when I was in 5th grade? and there was a good bit of screaming at each other then. I don’t remember it before; maybe I was too young to know. Regardless, Disney World is probably my happiest (childhood) memory.

In 5th grade, we went to a Catholic school. I was bullied by pretty much everyone, even my “best friend,” who ended up being a sort of nightmare. But otherwise, nothing too crazy.

When I was in 6th grade, my mom took me and my sister and ran off to another state (where our extended family is). No warning. One day we were just gone. I don’t remember how she explained that to us. We went to a Catholic school that had a serious Hive Mentality thing going on. They didn’t want me and my sister. Our teachers were horrible to us, and I kept ending up in situations where I looked very guilty but was in fact innocent and totally oblivious to what was going on. This is probably the start of “anger.” They wanted to expel me, but couldn’t come up with a reason why. My mom immediately started seeing other people, and my dad was furious. He’s of a very traditional mindset, marriage is forever, your duty is to your family, blah blah. So he did some e-mail hacking and ended up posing as an online therapist, who encouraged my mom to go back to him. She still doesn’t know.

That’s about when shit started getting really bad. He would scream til he was purple about how awful she was, pretty much all hours, pretty much every day, I think. Anti-women slurs everywhere. When me or my sister displeased him, he’d turn it on us. Even casual conversation with him was somehow linked back to our mother “ruining our lives.” At some point there was family therapy, which was an absolute disaster. They said I was “Obsessive Defiant.” I guess “abused” was never even a consideration. He’d start screaming “Defiance!” at me if I didn’t do a thing fast enough, like, “Pass the butter. Defiance!!!” like shit give me a second. My mom I guess blamed us for our dad’s BS and was always on about how we’re ruining her life and how I’m some kind of evil devil child and I’d have nightmares all the time about burning in hell.

The second half of 6th grade I went back into public school, and basically went right to my closest friends from public-elementary-school, who were The Losers. No one else remembered me, so going straight for The Losers pretty much instantly made me one of them. Probably the most, like, “establishing character moment” in my life, and the first "fuck you” at the world moment. Like I was starting to realize what behaviour was not acceptable among people (after fucking up a whole lot first, courtesy of my parents), and pretty much took a hard stand against bullshit, and recognizing my friends being The Losers was messed up. I got bullied. One girl beat the shit out of me once. My dad picked me up from a sleepover at her house, and blamed me for it. Obviously I must have deserved it, or something.

My sister was a weird aggressive child who physically grew up too fast, if you get me. She was always jealous that I got along so well with our cousin (she was like in-between us, age-wise), and her favorite game was Beat Up. It’s exactly what it sounds like, with me as the target. People don’t take notice because she’s younger than me - a good bit younger - but damn if she wasn’t bigger/stronger than me, like. There’s more, but I won’t type that on here. I don’t talk about that.

High school there was more persistent bullying, but never physical. Only the one time ever was. In 9th grade it got to the point where I just stopped talking. I’d talk to like 1 person, and at home because god, can you imagine what would have happened if I went silent at home. “Defiance!!11!1″ I think in 10th it got better. I kind of acquired friends because my (new) best friend was friends with a bunch of people, and I was always hanging out with her. We’re all still friends now. I guess.

No one knew about my family’s issues. Not my friends, anyway. One of my sister’s friends found out once after kind of witnessing my dad beat the shit out of me because I refused to go swimming at the river (I was on my period, dude). He was screaming about how I was destroying the family or something??? I provoked him into hitting me, so he smacked the shit out of me. The poor girl was apparently smacked around herself, because she didn’t take seeing this well at all. I remember my dad was going to drive me to school for my senior picture, and I was tying my shoelaces and clearing my throat. You know how your voice kind of catches in your throat? For some reason he assumed this was me throwing a fit about him not “getting ready fast enough”??? and he started with the usual screaming. I said fine, I’ll walk, not wanting to really ride with that anyway. I get about halfway there, and he’s in the car hanging out the window, purple-red, screaming about how if I don’t get in the car he’ll drag me in, and my mother, my mother, it’s all her fault, I’m just like her. I tried sitting in the back. Wrong choice. He screamed in my face the whole way there. I was crying hysterically at school, but trying to hide it. People who hated me were asking me what was wrong. None of my friends were there. I was trying not to burst into tears literally as they were taking my picture.

It was bad. My childhood was bad. Bad all over. Not sure what you’re looking for here, really.

[forceyourway]

Tree of Life Shadow Work Challenge Day Twelve: “What past experiences have I repressed (or glorified) that I need to heal from (or evaluate)?”

(Using Loki’s tarot deck, “The Raven’s Prophecy Tarot”)

Nine of Cups - Bliss, fulfillment; having everything you want, and things are only looking up. What have I repressed? I’m confused by the position of this card. I have so many negative memories, that I really have to dig to find positive ones... and those that I do find, I don’t perceive to be of any particular importance in my identity formation.

The Devil - Not a surprising card to find in a Shadow Work spread, The Devil is the shadow, the dark of you that you don’t want to acknowledge.However, it is a bit unusual to find it in this position: “What am I glorifying?”

Taking these two cards together, it might be possible that I am minimizing, or otherwise avoiding confronting, positive experiences that have been lost to me, to avoid feeling the pain of their loss. Focusing on the negative helps me protect myself, in a sense. Could that be what this means? If so, what am I meant to do about it? I’ll have to think about this more.

Prominent Experiences - Perspective

Recall notable past experiences, anything you feel has had a significant impact on you. Describe these experiences– how have they affected you? In what ways has your life changed because of them, directly or indirectly? Allow buried memories to resurface. What makes you afraid of or resistant to experiencing and processing the feelings associated with those memories?

Negative experiences, on the other hand, those I have plenty of.

One of my most prominent childhood memories involves a freak hailstorm that took place one June/July. My father just finished doing the flowerbeds, and they were perfect. I remember going with him to a bunch of garden stores, where we would pick out the best flowers, all of them different colors and shapes. In a particularly impressive bout of bad luck unique to he and I (I think that if he were Kemetic, he’d be a Set-child, too), it immediately started hailing, and the whole yard was completely white. My sister and I, worried about the flowers, brought all sorts of containers outside to protect them with: flipped-over empty pots, sand buckets, and even our long, plastic sleds. Our mother ran out and screaming at us about what are we, stupid, doing something like that?! I think she was worried we'd get hit in the head and become concussed, but it stuck with me that her reaction was completely uncalled for. I kept thinking that if it were my children, I would be so proud that they were compassionate enough to put themselves at risk to save the flowers.

In my childhood home (pre-3rd grade) we had elderly neighbours who were very friendly, and every so often we'd go over their house to spend time with them. Their names were Fred and Velma, which I thought was hilarious, on account of Scooby Doo. I remember butterscotch and Jurassic Park. Soon, Fred developed some sort of cancer, and one day, our babysitter picked us up from school, and told us that our mother said that Fred died. I was absolutely crushed, and started to convince myself it was simply Fred the fish that died. (We also had fish called Fred & Velma).I remember being deeply hurt that she would tell me of his passing in this way, which demanded immediate confrontation. My poor babysitter had no idea what was happening.

My first bullying memory took place in Kindergarten/1st grade vs. a girl named Shannon. She was super cool, and I really wanted to be her friend, so she had me do a series of tasks to "prove" my loyalty. One involved getting a ball for her at recess; only a couple of balls were available, and they were always in high demand. I wasn't able to get one for her, and when I delivered the bad news, she asked me to put my hand down on the balance beam...and then she stomped on it. I'd never had anyone do this to me before, and in retrospect, this girl was almost certainly abused. Where does one even get such an idea from? I ended up going to the nurse's office to have a splinter removed from my palm. The girl felt bad. I don't remember that I avoided her after that. I wonder if I kept following her around regardless.

I have some issues with abandonment. I touched on this already, talking about the time a group of other boys beat me up at the park. I distinctly remembered my sister running, and that stuck with me. And I really expected my dad to somehow save the day, by finding the kids and telling them off, or something, but he never did. That really hurt me. Like so many other children, I thought that my parents were these incredible, all-knowing, invincible beings, and that experience sort of shattered that for me. And I didn't understand why. Then, the next time I got beat up, when at a girl's sleepover party, he picked me up and hardly said anything on the subject at all. Again, I expected some intervention, but by that point, I guess he was pretty convinced that I deserved it. And finally, after my cat Buttons died, my mother and sister were directed to a local farm that was overrun with feral cats of all colors, shapes, and sizes. Some were quite friendly, and we wanted to get one for our new cat, but I guess our mother was having second thoughts. Because we didn't. While we were there, I somehow ended up walking through a very bee-infested area. Several wasps were involved, and they were stinging me. Prior to this, I had no memory of ever being stung -ever-, and because I heard my grandmother was deathly allergic to bee stings, I sort of convinced myself that I was, too. So, these bees were stinging me, and I was literally shouting for help, but they were too far ahead of me, and made no attempt to assist. I think I remember my sister running again, and by the time the bees left me alone, and I caught up with my mom and sister, I was sobbing hysterically. I remember that they did nothing to help me, and didn't even try. And that's why I have abandonment issues. :'D