#when i was deep in my depression as a teen i kinda like quit football for a year or so. maybe less idr

[jabeur]

i'm saying this completely unironically but not letting sports dictate your mood is the best thing you can do for yourself if you tend to be deeply affected by sports results. like genuinely not kidding best thing i ever learned to do

[youresog0lden]

15 II Spencer Reid

Summary: It’s been 15 years since the murder of your mother so you take the day off, while back home your best friend is trying to find out what happened with the case completely forgetting that every day for the past 6 years he would come over and stay with you. 

WC: 3.2k 

Warnings: Angst, the mentions of death, panic attacks, the mentions of depression, ED (kinda), Murder, Stabbing, Violence, Crying, Vomit, The mentions of Heaven I think I could be wrong I might have said above. -But just in case-  I used y/n but used a last name so I could make the story easier just replace it. 

A/N: I definitely cried while writing this one. Please let me know what you think ! This is one of my favorites !  THIS IS NOT MY GIF

masterlist

Notes: Y/n/n = your nickname y/n = your name

Relationship: Spencer x Fem Reader (kinda)

"The song is ended, but the melody lingers on." ~ Irving Berlin

15 years ago. fif-teen. Today was the big day. I was 15 years ago. Since my mom was brutally murdered. They told us they never found the murderer. That they tried to find every piece of evidence that they could but, this person is a pro. Every year I take the night to try and help solve the case but nothing has come out of it.

"Hey Garcia." I chirped picking up the phone.

"Hey beautiful. I know it's your day off but we really need you on this case." she pleaded.

"I can't. I have to go." I say softly hanging up the phone. Every year on her death date I go to her grave to talk to her let her know that she's not alone. I tell her about everyone and everything. I tell her about Spencer. Even though if she was here now she would tell me to stop thinking about boys and that there a waster of time. I bring her her favorite flowers even though they take a week to get to me because there rainbow roses. Her favorite. She says there way to colorful reminding her of everyone of her kids, never a dull moment. So I take the day to thank her for having me for bringing me into this world. I made sure her grave was put in the Jane graveyard. I wanted her to feel at home with her mom and dad. I always leave crying but, knowing she's watching from above only makes me have hope that I will see her again. Right at the time I get up to get ready I get a call from a certain Doctor.

"Hello Dr. Reid." I joked.

"Hello Agent Jane." we laughed at the joke both of us made

"I'm waiting for you." at this point I almost immediately stopped laughing.

"Do you not know what today is?" I asked quietly.

"No. Am I supposed to?" he asked. Yes because I told you. I told you what happened. I told you the date. I told you how she was murdered but I guess you forgot.

"No never mind. Look Spencer I have to go." before he can say anything I hang up. I sit there looking at myself. Black jeans, boots, and a hoodie. I nod before grabbing my bag and the flowers leaving and a bag I packed since I was going home. I set my things down and make sure the flowers are secured. I back out of my parking lot and drive towards the highway. Hey sweetie I just wanted to let you know I love you. Please be careful tonight I love you more than anything. Her voice rang in my head like it did every year on her date. I remember getting the call in the morning after seeing it on the news. I took me months to finally get up and move around and it took me two years to finally go and see her. I was 18 when it happened. My brother was the only one home at the time.

He told me he came home from the football game to see her blood all over the house. Justin wasn't home at the time. Justin being my step-dad. He told me that she asked him to go get roses for there anniversary coming up so he did. I cried for weeks on end. I ended up being taken to the hospital because I stopped eating. I stopped taking care of myself. I couldn't physically do it anymore. I couldn't sit there in the house anymore. I ended up moving out and starting college like my mom would've wanted she was the whole reason I became a profiler I needed to find out what happened. I needed to catch this guy but, it was like he feel off the face of the earth. The case went cold and eventually everyone moved on. Even I did I was finally happy. I made family at work. Nothing could ever replace my original family but they were a close second. I made a best friend. Spencer Reid. Even though he didn't remember today I didn't blame him for it. He may have an eidetic memory but, work was one of the many things that flooded that pretty brain of his.

Eventually after being friends with him it's almost natural to develop a crush -if you will- on him. Almost like a wildfire I did. I couldn't help but love him and all of his quirks. He could make the moon smile if he tried. Hell even if he didn't try but when he did and he let out a laugh it was contagious. Everyone would laugh. He was the heart and soul of the team. His magic tricks, his lectures about why the girl and I can't have more than five shoots and three drinks when we go out. - I really think it's the dominance coming out in him - but he says he just cares about us and doesn't want us to complain to him about our raging headaches in the morning at work. Almost every year Reid would come over and help me through it. I would never actually take him to my moms grave he just stayed the night before and made sure I was okay every morning for almost six years. I hurt that he forgot but once again work probably effected that.

After what seemed to be about a three hour drive and two bathroom stops I pull into the graveyard surrounded by the Jane family church our great, great, great, great, great grandparents founded in. This is where our family was berried time after time. Taking a big breath I see the street lights surrounding the graveyard making it not look as deep and depressing. I grab the flowers and a water bottle moving out the car and into the graveyard. I take a deep breath walking and sitting down by my mom.

"Hey momma." I say softly looking down at her headstone. Cheryl Jane. Loving mother, Wife, and daughter. June 8th 1970- August 25th 2005. It's okay rest easy momma-bear you've done your work. Just at the read  of that my eyes start watering. "It's been a year. A lot has happened this year. Emily has been working our asses off. It seems like cereal killers never take the time off. I miss you more than ever. I know Brantly does to. He talks about you the most. It's really hard for me to. Even though you know that. Anyway I'm sure you want to know the constant loop of my life. Well here it goes. Mom I'm in love with my best friend and he's in love with his and I know that sounds confusing but here let me explain in. He may be mine but JJ is his. I can tell by the way his eyes get big when he hears her talk or how his smile is or how he blushes as she talks but I get why shes beautiful. He's so in love with her mom and, it hurt's so bad but sometimes you have to get through the pain. Derek left. He has a kid so he went to be daddy Derek with Savannah. We have a new team member. Luke Alvez he's cool. Emily is the new unit chief. Hotch had to leave for a while. Recently it's been hard mom. I've barley been wanting to go to work in the morning knowing he isn't mine. Mom, I know that if you were here right now you'd tell me." I take a deep breath tears running down my cheeks.

"Don't worry about boys Y/N. Life is way to short. Go out start loving yourself, not guys. Because if one thing is promised in life it's you'll always have yourself. That and, that no one ever makes it out of here alive. So stop wasting time on him and, trust me I'm trying. I really am. I just need you to be here to hold me while I cry in your arms. Mom I'm 33 and I still need to cry into your arms. Mom I thought I would have you until I'm old. I didn't picture you not being here to see me graduate college. I thought you would be here to see me have the kids you always wanted to see me have. You always talked about being a grandma. I thought you could walk me down the isle as I'm getting married in your dress with our family ring seeing your smile on your face. God I miss that smile so much and what I wouldn't do to see it again. Pictures aren't enough. I don't know how long it's been since Jasmine came out here to talk to you but she's married now. To this guy his names James. I really like him. I can tell he makes her happy. There expecting. I'm going to be a godmother and a aunt. I never thought I would be this achieved in my life. The only thing is-" I couldn't stop crying. It kept coming down in waves of sadness tears escaping like no other.

"Well there's quite a few only things but the first thing is I just expected you to be here when I tell everyone the news. I used to remember running into the living room telling you how much I wanted to move to London and meet a cute English boy and have a perfect life. Well the whole boy thing isn't working. -obviously- but I got offered a job for a secret agent task force that goes undercover all around the world and helps solves cold cases from all around. I have to let them know by next week all I could think about was my family, and how if I left how hurt they would feel we've already lost so many team members but at the same time this may be exactly what I need. I would still come and visit you every year. I promise. Pinky. But I don't know I have a lot to think about on my way home. I could sleep in a hotel tonight but I just don't think I want to do that. But anyways I love you lots momma-bear more than anything. See you next year." and with that I placed the roses on her headstone standing up noticing it was starting to get dark I quickly go to my car unlocking it and placing the keys into the ignition and looking at my phone seeing as I shut it off to be more with my mom today.

4 missed call for Spence

3 missed calls from Garica

2 text from Spence. Click to open it.

So that's exactly what I did I look at the texts.

"Y/N please answer me. I know what today is I'm so so sorry I forgot."

"I'm on my way. Please just tell me your safe." I text back with a quick "It's fine. I'm already on my way home. Just leave me alone for the night please." I turn off my phone once again before heading on my way home. Leaving the busy road to much calmer ones.

"Mommy." I called out walking around the house. There I stood in a blue Cinderella dress and her clear heals with this sassy attitude.

"Yes sweetie." she laughs looking at me taking out her clunky camera and snapping a picture of me.

"Mommy can you pwease help me talk this off." my four year old eyes flashed on her. She laughs nodding her head.  She helps me take off the dress leaving me in my hello kitty underwear and heals. She pulls out one of my pj sets and looks at me.

"Let's get you ready for bed. Yeah?" she says. I nod sticking my arms up. She picks me up taking me into the bathroom.

"Can we pwease use the hello kitty bubbles." I ask with puppy eyes.

"Of course my sweets." she kissed my forehead. She lets the bath fill up before putting me in there and bathing me. Kissing me on the head, the shoulder, the top of my back, the side of my head then, my nose. Every time a little laugh left my lips.

"Stop mommy it tickles." I laugh splashing the water. She gasps

"Mommy." I say sternly. She gives me a look before continuing

"Yes baby."

"I love you more than ice cream."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"Then I love you more than the sun and moon combined."

As the flashbacks come back so do the tears. I pull over to the side of the road before feeling my heart crack.

"Then I love you more than the sun and moon combined."

"Fuck." I yell sitting in my car all alone. My breathing increasing in seconds my hands shaking. I can feel the urge to get out of my car and puke. But I sit there trying to call myself. It wouldn't stop her voice, the memories. I grab my phone knowing only one person could even remotely help this but deciding against it I put the phone down. I bust my car door open before falling to my knees and puking whatever I ate this morning out. I didn't stop tho I couldn't but once, I finally do I stand up and go to my car looking for a bottle of water. Finding one a few seconds later I grab my to-go bag washing my mouth and and brushing my teeth with the water I had. I get back in my car which now my hands weren't shaking as much so I was good on driving. At a red light I turn my phone on waiting for it to start back up again. When it finally does I connect it to my speaker I quickly call Spencer. The phone rings for a second before hearing the uttermost thing.

"Hello." his voice sounded shakily.

"Spence." my voice broke. Fuck really.

"Y/n/n." he sighs realizing you.

"Spence I'm almost home do you think you could spend the night tonight I don't want to be alone." I whimpered out tears sliding down my face.

"I'll be there in ten with food ready for you." he almost said instantly. I nod knowing he can't see me before hanging up and making my way down the exit.

"Mom. Get out." I complained. I was 15 and I just wanted privacy.

"Come on sweetie talk to me." she sighs.

"No. Just leave me alone." I yell.

"Don't you dare yell at me I am your mother." she was now raising her voice. I stopped dead in my tracks.

"I wish you were never my mother. "

After saying those few words to her, I could see the heartbreak in her eyes. She did everything for me even when we didn't have money and it was just the two of us. Then at the time it was my mom, my sister, I and her husband Justin and his kid. I didn't mean to say it I was just mad and I always apologized for it still feeling bad for even saying it.

"I wish you were never my mother." The words were like ice. She stopped dead in her tracks. It still heart my heart when thinking about it. It still made me cry thinking about it. Which I already was but still it only increased it. I grab my bag walking into the apartment complex seeing Reid's car parked a few down from mine I knew he used the key I gave him to get into my apartment. God how much more obvious could I be. I walk to the elevator pressing the fourth floor taking my time up there. I open the door hearing his footsteps bring him into direct eye-contact. I drop my bad right by the door closing it as he held his arms open for me to walk into, so I did exactly that. I walk right into his arms. My arms latching around his neck his wrapping around my waist. I bring my head into his neck crying harder with each second the hug lasted. He doesn't say anything he just sways us back and forth letting us take in the moments. Enjoying having someones arms to cry in after a long day of crying by yourself. It felt nice knowing he was there if you needed him.

"Do you want to eat?" he asked. I nodded my head before sitting at my island. He hands me my bowl of Chinese food and takes his own setting it down on the side of me. I lay my head on his shoulder messing with my food with my fork. He notices it but doesn't say anything he just takes my hand way and holds it with his laying his head on top of mine. He took his head off mine and unlaced his hands before taking a deep breath.

"You need to go lay down you look exhausted." he says in a hushed tone.

"Can you come lay down with me." I say just as quietly.

"If you go get ready I'll clean up the kitchen then I'll come lay down with you." he says. I nod before walking a few steps forward before quickly turning around and turn into his embrace hugging him once again. I mumble a quick 'thank you.'  Into his stomach.

"I love you." I say once I finally let go.

"I love you pretty girl." he says softly using my nickname he gave me a while ago when I started using the nickname pretty boy because of Morgan. I walk into my room changing into a pair of shorts and his over sized Cal-tech t-shit. I brush me teeth once again and go into my room where he has changed from his normal dress pants into his flannel pants with a hoodie on. I smile at him smally but I could tell he noticed because once I did he flashed me an award winning smile holding up his tooth brush. I laugh lightly and walk to the bed letting him get in the bathroom. He walks out and get's on his side of the bed laying into it with me.

"Y/n?" he questioned.

"Yes love."

"I heard that they think the found the killer." he says. I sit up straight.

"What-" I questioned softly

"Emily said they found a note and a dead body confessing into killing your mom." he says just as softly.

"How do we know it's him?"

"He explained in the letter details only the person who did it would know his prints were found on a weapon that looks exactly like the weapon your mom was killed with and the blade matched and everything. Then we found a recording of him and your mom talking."

"When did you find this?"

"Today." I nod.

"So it's really him?"

"Yeah. It's really him." he says. I smile softly, our eyes finally meet. He grabs me pulling me closer to him. I take this as a sign and plant my lips on his. He doesn't kiss back so I pull away just as quickly.

"I'm-I-I'm so sor-" I was cut off by his lips on my once again finally feeling at peace.

"Our Life is made by the death of others."~ Leonardo da Vinci

[wellimaginethat]

Safe Haven Chapter Two

Title: Safe Haven Chapter Two (Chapter One)

Pairing: John Wick x (female) Reader

Word Count: 2196

Author’s Note: I’m so sorry this took so long! I was having some family issues, so I had no time to write and only came on tumblr to look at cute things and do some reading. But, finally, here is chapter 2 and I have good news, which is chapter three is already in the works and should be posted within the next couple of days (maybe even tonight if nothing comes up) I’m not sure how I feel about the ending of this chapter, it kinda ends abruptly, I just knew that if I continued writing it would be 6k+ and I don’t really want any chapters over 3 or 4k, if it was a one shot that would obviously be different.

Trigger Warning(s): Heavy mentions of death, depression, leukemia, car accident, reader’s family is dead (sister’s death is why she is in the support group), suicidal feelings, drunk driving, and self harm. And this chapter includes the mention of the jerk of an ex that left reader after her sister died. So you've been warned.

Disclaimer: I do not own John Wick nor am I in any way involved with the franchise. I do not run a support group called Safe Haven, and I am not sure if there is one named Safe Haven, if so; I am not involved with them and never have been. I obviously don’t own you cause you’re your own person.

Summary: He’s joined the group, but he never imagined that he would make friends there. Now the only reason he continues to go is because of someone special.

Y/N = Your Name Y/S/N = Your Sister’s Name (the deceased sister in the fic) Y/EX/N = Your Ex Boyfriend’s Name (because I’m obviously not creative enough to come up with one) Italics = Flashbacks

Third Person POV (whole chapter)

He’d been attending the meetings for a few months now. He was still trying to figure this out, it wasn’t like how support groups seemed on TV, all sad and depressing. It was actually very light and open, everyone was kind to each other and genuinely seemed to care for one another, and they’d welcomed him immediately, despite his dark and mysterious aura and his less than willingness to share.

But eventually, he did share. And it actually made him feel a little better, being able to talk to people who knew what he was going through, who had gone through the same thing or something similar.

He even made friends with some of the other attendees, Fred (who was friends with practically everyone), Janice (which honestly shocked most, because she wasn’t one to warm up to people, probably due to people treating her like shit for most of her life) and you. He was still trying to figure you out. He’d figured out everyone else. Becky, Fred, Matthew, even Janice, and she was a helluva character.

Becky was a widow and mother of two, having lost her husband and oldest child, a son, in a car accident years ago and had started the support group to cope. Her daughter was part of the support group in the beginning, but eventually gotten married and moved away, leaving Becky all alone. She seemed happy though, like she had come to peace with her misfortune. She said that she still kept in touch with her daughter, who visited multiple times throughout the year with her husband and children, and that she had Dave.

Dave was the man who’d answered the phone when John had first called the support group, they had met his second meeting. He’d lost his mother when he was young child still, and his father passed when he was a teen. Leaving him all on his own until he met Becky through some miracle, as he called it.

Fred, on first glance, seemed like a typical sports dad. He had three kids, a boy and two girls, all in some kind of sport. His son played football and basketball, and his daughters played soccer and softball. But, if you looked deeper, talked to the guy, you’d find out that he had four kids, until his oldest took her own life. After that, everything started to spiral out of control, his wife left him and the remaining three kids. His son quit playing sports and almost dropped out of school. His daughters were too young to really know what was going on, so he thanked God for that. Eventually he started to put things back together and what was remaining of his family was working through it.

Matthew was mourning the loss of his fiancee, who died suddenly a week before they were supposed to get married. Luckily, his wife’s family still treated him like he was family and that helped him some, but he still grieved, so his mother in law suggested the support group.

And Janice, probably the toughest nut in the whole group, besides John himself. Was grieving the loss of her girlfriend. They were all each other had, and she had been stolen from her by some drunk who wouldn’t give up his keys after having too much to drink. Now, all she had was the group.

Finally, you. You’d been going to the meetings for about six months when he started attending them. Your uncle had practically forced you too, being the only family you had left he kinda kept an eye on you, which you appreciated. You’d lost your parents when you were young, leaving you and your little sister to live with your grandparents until you had graduated college and gotten a job so you could get your own apartment. It was three years after you and your sister moved into your own apartment that she got the heartbreaking news that the leukemia had come back, and she survived two years before it stole her from you. Leaving you on your own, now the city that you loved so much, the one that held so many great memories, also held so much pain and you just wanted to leave it all behind and get a fresh start.

John could understand why you’d want a fresh start, and he could understand that you were torn because even though this city held so many happy memories, it held so much pain. He was felt the same way at times, wondering if he should just pick up everything and disappear from the city, start over somewhere else.

-----

You weren’t dense, or stupid, quite the opposite actually. You could tell that John wasn’t exactly who he claimed to be. You could sense that he was hiding something. You’d seen, over the course of a few weeks, a couple of meetings, that he’d changed slightly; in both appearance and attitude. The first meeting, he was distant and somewhat cold, he’d told you all about the loss of his wife, but he didn’t mention her name or how long they’d been married, not that either of those things really mattered, but most of you would talk about your loved one and the time you’d spent together. He seemed to want to give as little detail as possible.

“So, John, would you like to share with us your loss?” Becky asked in that gentle way that reminded you of a grandmother comforting her injured grandchild.

John seemed to be frozen for a moment, not out of being put on the spot or nervousness about speaking in front of the group (like you had been the first time you spoke). It seemed like he was contemplating whether this had been a good idea, coming to the group. Like he was almost regretting his decision in that moment. But, then he glanced around and took a deep breath, running a hand over his face before staring down at the floor.

“My wife…” He started out lowly. “She was sick, for a long time, before we got together. She knew she would end up...passing...but I...I actually had hope that she’d overcome it. That we’d grow old together...that I’d go first.” The last part was so quiet you were certain that most of the group hadn’t heard him.

Now, it was different. He had slowly began to open up more to the group, slowly became more comfortable. You’d also noticed he didn’t wear as much black. It was like he was just now coming out of his mourning period, slowly but surely. In the last few weeks, you’d learned more about him. His wife’s name was Helen, they’d been married for six years before she passed away, and it had been two years since then. You found out that before she died, she had arranged for a puppy to be delivered to him, and that it was delivered to him a few days after her funeral. Only for the puppy to suddenly die, he didn’t tell you how. And that he’d gotten himself a new dog, adopted it from a shelter.

Slowly, you’d started to befriend John. It started with you running into him and spilling a cup of water all over him.

You had to walked to the meeting again because your car was an unreliable piece of junk, and you were thirsty as hell. You just managed to get there five minutes before the meeting was going to start, ‘better the being late’ you thought to yourself as you walked over to get a cup of water.

As you walked you took notice of who was there and who wasn’t, everyone there had been there before, the group hardly ever got new members. John was the newest member, and before him you held the title of ‘newest member’ and by that time you’d been coming to the meetings for a good six months.

You took your attention off the group as you walked to the water cooler and took one of the small paper cups there. You didn’t know if it was because you were so consumed in your own thoughts, or if he was just a super sneaky guy, but you didn’t here him come up behind you to wait to get a cup of water and you end up running right into him, managing to spill the water on him and yourself.

“I’m so sorry!” You exclaimed immediately, not noticing all the eyes on you. “I didn’t hear you come up behind me and I am so sorry!” You spoke quickly, starting to ramble out an even longer apology.

“It’s fine, really.” John assured you as he began to dab some of the water off his shirt. “You don’t need to be sorry.”

The rest of the night you couldn’t even look at him because it made you want to apologize for spilling water on him, and you tried to avoid the eyes of the other members because you were embarrassed by your clumsiness.

It was after the meeting that he caught up with you and you’d tried to apologize again, only for him to again tell you it was fine and say something about him being ‘too quiet’. When he saw that you didn’t have a ride home, he offered to give you one, but you turned him down saying you didn’t mind walking, when in reality you were still too embarrassed from earlier.

You didn’t know when it happened, but soon the two of you were pretty good friends. You two had an odd friendship, it started suddenly and it almost felt like you’d known each other for longer than four months.

You’d take turns going over to each other’s place to have dinner, you’d watch movies and talk about random stuff. And slowly, you found a reason to stay in New York.

Going to the meetings had been helping you, you knew that, you could feel it. But befriending John had helped you as well, it brought you back to life in a way, you’d even started hanging out with some friends you’d been neglecting since your sister’s death.

“Earth to Y/N.” John waved his hand in front of your face. “Where’d you go? I lost you for a second.”

“Sorry, I was just thinking about something.” You mumbled, you’d actually been thinking about your ex, who’d recently tried coming back into your life. Saying that ‘now you’ve had time to grieve, we can start over’. You honestly hadn’t noticed how lonely your life had become until after you’d actually started doing things again, things instead of go to work. It’s like you had been on autopilot since Y/S/N’s death. You would wake up, go to work, go home. You were sure you’d eat sometime throughout the day, but you honestly couldn’t remember exact events during that time. It was after you started hanging out with John, and your old friends, especially Y/EX/N, that you had realized that you had actually been in a depression. How you didn’t noticed it sooner was beyond you.

“You wanna talk about it?” John asked you, pulling you further from your thoughts.

You let out a slow sigh as you thought if you wanted to tell him, it seemed silly to you that you were even thinking about going back to your ex, he had left you in your time of need, after all. “My ex boyfriend called me yesterday.” He waited for you to continue and after a moment you did. “He wants to get back together.”

“Okay...I’m not sure I’m following.” John wasn’t about to flat out say that if he was an ex there was probably a good reason for it.

“I’m not sure how I should feel about it, because we had been together for a long time, almost three years...but he also left me when I needed him most.” John raised a brow, but he was certain he already knew when this jerk had left you. “Right after I buried my sister, he waited until after the funeral, and told me he did so because he didn’t want to seem insensitive.”

John snorted and went back to stirring whatever food he was making tonight, you’d been surprised when you found out that not only could he cook, but he could actually cook really well. “Doesn’t seem like the kind of person going back to in my opinion.”

You sighed. “I know...but when I heard him...it was like he actually regretted leaving me.” You were honestly torn, and you hadn’t felt this down or confused in a while. It should have been a sign right then that your ex wasn’t worth it, already dampening your finally improved mood.

John gave you a serious look, which wasn’t much different from how he usually looked because he just had a seriousness about him. “If you honestly feel like he regrets what he did, and you want to give him a second chance, then you should.”