#when i was a kid i wished my parents werent married already because i wanted to go to their wedding lol

[head---ache]

Finally elaborating a bit (the tiniest bit) on their wedding:]

[the-bdsm-kitten]

I lost my old accounts do to my lack of a memory so yeah but i really need the community right now. My frienda are here for me and understand what im going through although being cheated on while in a bdsm relationship and romantic is something they haven't been through. I met a guy a while back and on day one i fell in love with him he was perfect. Needy like me, loved games like me, open minded, accepted my k!nks and my coping mechanism that isnt k!nk. We were long distance and i dont do pictures or videos but i grew to trust him first he became my master because my frienda thought dating would be too fast. After a week or so he asked me to be his on my winter solstice he gave me this beautiful amulet that said for my kitten on it... i was sooo happy no one has ever put that much money or energy into me... we would call everyday and than everynight we would go to sleep on the phone. We had the same kinda messed up humor... day before yesterday... a woman who followed him followed me i didnt think anything about it because i trust him... for two days he wasnt ablw to call but he was active on instagram all night so i assumed he was hanging with his friends. I felt uneasy but i pished it out as i hate the insecurities of mine and my doubt... Well after a bunch of drama of a woman trying to break us up and him saying hell never cheat and showed me messages of his side and i knew he wouldnt... within an hour he asked me how i knew the woman eho followed me the day before. I replied with she folliwed me idk her though why...

Master: the jiggs is up.

Me: ???

Master: Shes my mistress, i thought i could have both and it not being cheating.

This is when she messaged me saying to back of and how he was hers. And how she said he voulsnt have both that he was her pet and her bf... we were dating a bit past a month now and i had placed so much trust in him... seny lewd videos and pictures at my most vulnerable... we both wanted to be eachothers first... to get married and have kids we were a perfect fit... but we werent. He said he didnt know it was cheating but he would have told me about her when they met... he said ahe meant nothing and he loves me and how he cant live without me... she spammed me with screenshots of him being so happy to be on call with her... telling her things about his body... and calling her mommy and mistress... I have no intrest in ddlg or mdlg im in the cglre community it being. sexual makes me uncomfortable (idk if you are into that so long you are consenting adults ^-^) I knew he was a switch and I was testing to see if i could be one i came to the conclusion yes but mainly sub... by this time he apperently had a mistress already... It hurt... the messages begging me not to leave... me crying typing how even if he did leave her i would never be happy again i would always be wondering whose hes with qnd texting... It hurt soo bad... I broke up with him and he tried making me feel bad about it... saying thats it? Your just gonna break up with me... i did it in the most repsectful way possible. I told him and his mistress i wish them happiness for them... i blocked her and unfollowed him and made him unfollow me on insta and blocked him on discord... than i called my friend and just cried... i felt... it was my fault... i wasnt enough for him. Its not true andd i know ill find someone who will be completely loyal to me but... Why? What was the point? There should have never been a thing called cheating... if you want a mistress talk to me... if you want me and someone else than ill break up with your or you can break up with me as i am monogamous. I trusted him... i sent him a couples braclete and a multi tool that was engraved With the nickname i called him... for his birthday. I was so excited to buy him a birthday gifts... and to spoil him as best as i could as i have no job and live off my parents as i am high risk of the virus right now. I got minecraft so we could game together... I trustedd him enough to be clingy and needy but also to let him do what he wants (Hes was my bf not my kid not gonna run his life) i trusted him with struggles i go through now and i have in the past... I trusted him so much qne he betrayed me... It hurt so bad... im alright now been 2 days but im going through a sub drop as i havent been able to do anything noy even to myself sense than... ill be okay thank you for reading my rant/vent . Please if you are a dom/sub and in a monogamous relationship...dont cheat... it hurts so much and no one should ever go through this pain... communicate or break up with them instead...

WRITTEN JAN 25th 2021

[starlightervarda]

hi this is the same anon as before. its ok you werent ranty at all. im sorry i cant do anything to help your situation - youve been through so much and your chest feeling like it's full of dust is so understandable. i hope things look up. do you think there is any way things will get better and youd be able to go back to uni at some point. p.s. whoever bullies other people are losers and ik you alr know this but youre so dope never listen to them !!

Thank you, nonny <3 You’re very sweet and your messages pretty much made my weekend.

I’m hoping, wishing, praying that our next move will fix a lot of things, that it will be a better place, with weather that’s better for my health (my allergies just started acting up again *wheeze*), and has more life to it, y’know?

So, I have been isolated long before quarantine happened and it’s severely contributing to my depression. My area has like no young people, and crazy-long distances, so you can’t see anyone or do anything fun unless you own a car and are willing to spend a lot on gas. Like, if i wanted to go to the nearest active city for any kind of gathering, it would take 4 hrs to get there just to spend an hr socializing, it isn’t worth the effort or the cost. Also I’m not allowed to drive because as a ‘young driver’ the insurance goes up on our car’s lease and whatever the hell that means and we need that money lmao

Hoping that the new area, which is closer to a big city, more populated in general, and cheaper overall, and I’m probably going to get a car so I will finally be allowed to drive and go wherever faster, easier and find hobbies and friends, etc. And that within the next year my parents get jobs, and that will take the edge of a lot of stuff because we’re currently at the point where we’re borrowing money from my grandma & spending 80% of what I make.

But that’s what’s left of my optimism talking. The moving thing has yet to be settled, .

As for uni, there’s a lot of ~issues~ about that, so--

Rant under the cut.

As much as my uncle nags me about ‘wasting my future’ I doubt I’ll ever go back, because by the time I stop being the breadwinner I’ll be too old to have the ‘university experience’ and I’ll be at the age where I should have already graduated...because everyone but my mom, dad, uncle and grandma thinks I’m in Business School.

Like, one of the reasons we’re so far away from family/acquaintances is to hide the fact that my parents are out of work and that I don’t go to school. To this day most of my family, their friends and acquaintances don’t know, because if they found out I dropped out it would be a straight up scandal full of gross gossip that would upset my grandma. I would be looked down, demeaned, considered lesser than, and etc, because most people we know have degrees, and that makes them ‘respectable’...even if they did nothing with them and are 40 yr old men who need mommy and daddy to pay for everything still, like the sons of my grandma’s friend.

There’s a stifling classism and obsession around higher education, like when my mom’s paternal family wanted her not to marry my dad they accused him of having no degree because that would have been enough to reject him. And if it was that bad in the 90s, it’s gotten worse now.

Study culture is ruining my and my cousins’ generation, our lives revolve around studying, getting high grades and getting degrees and the whole family is involved, and it can get abusive. Me and my friends were screamed at and hit for not getting the best grades. Some women give up their jobs to stay at home and help their kids study and people go bankrupt paying for tutors so their kids get high grades in every school level, primary, secondary and post-secondary, it’s insane. All in the hope that their kid will somehow get rich and it would have all been worth it.

Meanwhile, these same people refuse to retire, have fun getting jobs for all those kids that were programmed from birth to be Doctors, Lawyers, Businessmen, Professors, Engineers and Politicians hahahaha

The money involved in education is reaching criminal levels. Teachers will sometimes fail students so they have to go to summer school and pay more for that...that happened to me and half my grade in Grade Eight. Like, 150 of us were failed in the final exam, grade average throughout the term be damned, because they didn’t tell us that certain shit was coming on the exam.

Naturally, school was hell for me and I have nothing but horrid associations with it, from extreme bullying to sadistic teachers to insane study requirements, juggling 10-12 subjects, with everything revolving around ‘going to pay off in college’. Like, I would come from school at 5pm and study/homework until 1 am, wake up at 6 am and revise for one of the two exams I had that day because we had 8 tests a week...and our fail-grade for those weekly tests was first raised from 50% to 60% then to 80% so if you got a 79.88% you would be told to go take the test again during the 15 min lunch break we had, because they cut our lunch in half to squeeze in an extra lesson.

Also, Maths was always agonising for me. Business requires Maths/Statistics and all those numbers make me go cross-eyed. And I never wanted to study anything with Maths or Sciences, I fucking hate them, those were just my two options that my family insisted on from a young age. First it was Doctor then when I told them I can’t with Physics, which is for some reason a requirement for Med School it became ‘major in business’. The ‘be a doctor’ has moved on to my younger cousins, though the one that just graduated is not down with that either.

Bruh, thinking of going back to school plus the cost of it makes me hyperventilate. All I wanted was the experience of being free, away from my mom, make friends that weren’t the demons at my school, get in a relationship, go on trips, basically experience life, be in a musical, be in a club, anything.

And all I got was a shitty campus my mom picked that was near our house that had nothing to offer, no clubs, no activities, no guarantee of linking you up with a good job, and barely anyone went there because it was a small uni in the middle of fucking nowhere and like I said, young people don’t stay here.

Then we couldn’t afford it anymore and the whole thing with my surgery happened and my brain blew a gasket. My attention span and memory has gotten significantly worse, I don’t think I can handle having to study and stress out over exams again. I’ve been consistently stressed since I was like 12 and I started losing hair and popping premature grey hairs and I just can’t anymore.

I’m not down with spending all my hard-earned money on a degree that won’t get me a better-paying job because almost everyone we know in my age bracket that graduated uni has no job. Only one guy I know got a job and that was sheer luck, and he’s not making enough for his parents to stop paying for all his expenses. Anyone that’s employed with a good job, it’s always through nepotism/connections -_-

And the next person that tells me to borrow money for tuition is getting punched.

Sorry for the lengthy rant, but this is everything I kinda wanna scream at the boomers, and those old millenials whose parents saved money for them, who won’t shut up about school and won’t listen when I tell them it’s not fucking easy.

[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

Tag Game

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Tagged by @kdfrqqg It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these lol. I wasn’t even in the SPN fandom the last time I did one. 

1. Drink? Pepsi

2. Phone call? My dad

3. Text message? My sister

4. Song you listened to? Say You Won’t Let Go by: James Arthur (literally gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it.) 

5. Time you cried? 4th of July (Don’t ask) 

6. Dated someone twice? No, I’ve only ever had one REAL boyfriend and a bunch or near misses

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Never kissed anyone 

8. Been cheated on? Nope

9. Lost someone special? Yes 

10. Been depressed? Yes, like all the time 

11. Favorite colors? Purple, Blue, and recently Red 

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends? Yes

16. Fallen out of love? Love-love no, semi-love yes 

17. Laughed until you cried? I dont think I’ve ever laughed til i cried??? Laughed until my stomach hurt sure but not til i cried 

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Unfortunately 

19. Met someone who changed you? Yes, not in a good way 

20. Found out who your friends are? 100% yes I love my girls so much

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list? No one that wasnt in like a family matter 

General 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? a solid 97% only because some are family that ive never met. 

23. Do you have any pets? No Dad hates pets, but do babies count? because they are equally as frustrating and I live with two under the age of 3.

24. Do you want to change your name? yes too many jokes and annoying nicknames

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Got my hair done, had some pudding cake, and went to Iguana Mia for a free lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and then binged Gilmore Girls b/c mom didnt feel well so we went home and did nothing after like 2. 

26. What time did you wake up? 7:30 because of the babies I live with but didnt get out of bed till 8:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? On here actually 

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Graduating College but that ties with Getting Married 

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? a few weeks ago?? I know im horrible but her work schedule is all over the place and my life is so unpredictable but i do try and talk to her every other day. 

31. What are you listening to right now? My family messing around 

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my job not giving me shifts and my step nephew with his lack of respect for adults 

34. Most visited website? Tumblr

35. Hair colour? Dark brown with a tint of burgundy because I havent gotten it dyed since december (my bday) and red washes out real fast but leaves subtle traces especially in the sun

36. Long or short hair? As of now on the shoter side, like shoulder length, but if you would have caught me a month ago it would have been hella long got 10 inches cut off 

37. Do you have a crush on someone? As of now NO because my last crush stomped on my heart and crushed then ran it over with a semi so I have sworn off men unless celebrities count????

38. What do you like about yourself? Honestly, right now nothing thats one of my issues. BUT if I had to pick I guess my loyalty??

39. Piercings: just your standard, run of the mill ear piercing 

40. Blood type: 0+

41. Nickname: Don’t have one because I refuse to share what my mom called me throughout my childhood. So i just go my full name Sommer

42. Relationship status: single and hating men 

43. Zodiac: Sagittarius 

44. Pronouns: She/Her

45. Favourite tv show: UGGGHHH too many. SPN, most superhero shows, most crime dramas, Greys Anatomy, and more. I used to be a tv addict and started watching a bunch of shows and although i dont watch them much anymore doesnt mean i dont still love them

46. Tattoos: Yes, on my right foot. Its part two to a quote that me and my sister got together. “....but thankful for the one ive got.” she got “A perfect sister i am not.....” 

47. Right or left handed: Right

48. Surgery: If getting my wisdom teeth taking out (all four of them at once) counts then yes other than that no.

49. Piercing: Already answered 

50. Sport: None, I suck at all sports and hate them all too. I was and am more of a book person than a ball person, but I do enjoy a leisure swim on occasion

51. Vacation: Would love to take one but im broke. My last was a high school trip right before i started my senior year where we traveled through five states making stops in each until we ended in indiana for the convention we needed to go to and then came back.

52. Pair of trainers: don’t know what this means

53. Eating: I wish I was lol My dinner sucked ass. Man, I wish I had a nice juicy steak right now with a baked potato and asparagus yum 

54. Drinking: at the moment nothing but the last thing I drank was at like 2 pm and now its almost 10 (oooppps) and that was a mocha coffee from DD

55. I’m about to: take a shower then outline some god damned stories that are haunting me right now 

56. Waiting for? something good to happen in my life for once 

57. Want? To be prettier, but I am slowly losing weight which is helping that problem. OOOOHHH and my best friends to be with me right now

58. Get married? I would love to at some point. Not anytime soon, but I also have to find someone who can put up with my difficult moody ass for the rest of our lives sooo..... that could be awhile

59. Career? Now none after college hopefully a forensic scientist/CSI since that is what my degree is going to be in

60. Hugs or kisses? Bith

61. Lips or eyes? On an S/O eyes hands down on me i guess my eyes

62. Shorter or taller? On an S/O taller I guess I have a type lol a bit of a height kink. On me shorter im only 5′2

63. Older or younger? Older although if it was only like 2 years younger Ii would be cool with that just not any further 

64. Nice arms or nice stomach? These questions are so superficial and I feel superficial for answering them but I guess in a S/O stomach on me I have neither soo...

65. Hook up or relationship? Relationship, im a sappy sappy romantic at heart a hook up is too impersonal and so crass I want the feelings 

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

67. Kissed a stranger: No

68. Drank hard liquor: Being that I am only 19 I’m legally obligated to say no, but my oldest sister is a horrible influence so I may have had a taste a few times 

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No but I have lost a retainer, twice, in the garbage. Yeah my parents werent to happy with me 

70. Turned someone down: Depends? for a date no. for anything havent we all. sex never been offered.

71. Sex on the first date: Virgin, so no and I’ve only had one real boyfriend that wasnt really a relationship anyway so yeah

72. Broken someone’s heart: I want to say no, but I guess I have not in a relationship way but you can break anyones heart for any nimber of reasons

73. Had your heart broken: Hell the fuck yeah but so many damn people 

74. Been arrested: No, close once but the store guy let me go on a warning

75. Cried when someone died:  Yes, doesnt everyone unless the deseased is like an axe murderer or something

76. Fallen for a friend: Ugh this question. I hate it so much. Yes, that boyfriend I mentioned that was the situation and that didnt end well. And then my sophomre year I was like in LOVE with this kid I had known back in elementary school and he was my best friend and he was out of my league and let me down gently. Then i fell for my frenemy my senior year, but he neber knew and it was just a phase for me I guess it didnt last long 

Do you believe in… 77. yourself?  Wish the answer was yes, maybe come again another day? 

78. Miracles?  sometimes 

79. love at first sight?  I would like to but Ii just can’t

80. Santa claus? I wish, but I am glad to pretend for my niece and nephew 

81. Kiss on the first date? Sure if it went well 

82. Angels? Nope. Sorry 

Other 83. Current best friend’s name: Well, I got three. They are my girls, my squad. Weve all been best friends for going on 4 four years. Sam, Dana, Solange 

84. Eye colour:  Brown, boring I know

85. Favourite movie: Can’t choose just one so like the entire Marvel franchise? Can I do that? Too bad I just did 

Im supposed to tag 20 more people but honestly my hands are cramping its after 10 and I really need a shower so if you want to take a crack at this I totally encourage you too. 

[itsamillionlittlepapercuts]

Day 7

Today I wrote 1085 words, Week 1′s total is 8131 words and I’m pretty proud.

Here’s what I wrote today: Please ignore the grammar and spelling mistakes (I was more focused on writing than grammar)

After lunch they went straight home. Maria didnt attempt to talk to Evie again. But Aaron did.

"Sit down and shut up. You and I need to talk." He ordered. Evie sat on her bed uncomfortably. He closed the door.

"Look. I know you're a teen. I was your age last year. And I know that you are just now acting like teenager for once. You have been the perfect child up until now. And I get it, you have your first girlfriend and you're ecited and you want to spend all your time with her because you are so infatuated with her. And I get that you can't do that stuff here because our parents would approve of it. I'm sorry. I wish you could do that stuff because I could when I got my first girlfriend. I know it must be hard having to keep someone so big in your life right now as just a friend in the eyes of the people that are supposed to matter most. I know you want to share your happiness and you're upset that you cant." He began.

"But that's no excuse for essantially abandoning us. You are being gone all day everyday hanging out with her. After school you guys hang out for hours doing what ever. And then as soon as you get home all you do is go straight upstairs and read and do your homework. Come dinner time and you barely partisipate/ You just sit in silence and eat your food. You dont tell mom about your day even though she is trying hard to be in your life. Let her in. She loves you."

Evie knew Aaron was trying to make  a good point but she didnt like the way he was making it, "You act like you know how I feel. You say you know. Well how do you know? What makes you think you know?" She stood up. "Tell me were you the perfect daughter? Tell me, did you spend the first 16 years of your life lying and pretending to have crushes that you could care less about? Tell me, on June 26th 2015, when you just wanted to cheer and scream about how one day you might get to marry a woman you love, did you have to listen to your parents complain about how 'the gays' are ruining the meaning of marriage? Two days later, at a church full of people who were like family to you, did you have to hear about how dissappointed they were in the ruling that you were allowed to love? Tell me, did you?" She felt her eyes fill with tears as she whispered to her brother.

"No but I-" She could already see him regretting the words.

"Then don't say you know Aaron. Because you dont. You dont know how hard it is. It's gotton easier but I still don't like it. I've gotton used to it, the subtle homophobia. The side comments. The lingering leers. You know, once Mother and I were at store and there were a teenage lesbian couple. One kissed the others cheek and mother whispered angrily at them that 'there are children here' as if they werent children. As if their sexuality made them inhuman and explicit, as if the straight couple making out in the corner was pg13. The look on the shorter girl's face. She looked absolutely shattered and immediately apologized and her girlfriend held her and led her out the store, trying to calm her down while shooting glares and mom and I. Those girls were my age!" The tears fell as her voice rose.

"What makes it worse is that there was nothing I could do or say to make it better. I wanted to comfort them and apologize for my mother's actions but I couldnt. I was frozen in place. I was afraid. I was afraid that if I said something, mom would know. So I kept quiet, its something I've gotton rather good at recently. You wanna know why I spend so much time outside the house? I'm not hanging out with friends or with Amelia. I've been wandering the city because I cant stand to be here. All I want to talk about is Amelia and how happy she makes me and I can't. I can't be here anymore because when I'm here I'm constantly afraid I'll say the wrong thing. I'm afraid that I'll share my happiness and it will make them suspicious. I'm afraid that they'll say something and it will set me off. I'm afraid they'll upset me and I'll tell them everything. I can't be here Aaron. I can't because it hurts. Its not that they are constantly yelling faggot and dykes go to hell at me, no I have it rather easy. But all the little things, like rolling their eyes at a rainbow flag and scoffing, it hurts more. All those little moments add up fast and its hurting me. I know they don't mean to hurt me but they do. That's why I'm never here Aaron. Because it hurts." Her voice cracked.

Aaron sat down on the bed next to her and put his hand lightly  on her back. She hugged him and let her tears fall. "I'm sorry Eve. I know-. I mean you've made it clear that its really hard for you to be here. I hear the comments and I cringe but it must be much worse for you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't tell Mom and Dad about Amelia and how happy she makes you. I'm sorry that you couldnt say anything to the girls and I'm sorry that one day you might be one of those girls being scolded by people who don't understand. I'm sorry that Amelia and you will never have the freedom that my girlfriend and I have."

Evie straightened her shoulders and sucked in a long slow breathe, "Its ok. I'm ok. That's the thing about being hurt a little bit everyday, it makes you stronger. All the little scratches lead to scars and from those scars we earn our thick skin. So Its ok brother. I'll be ok. I promise, its not like I'm going to jump off the roof or something. And I'll try to spend some more time at home. I'll try to come to dinner more often. Mom never tries to hurt me so why should I try to hurt her? No promises, but I'll try."

"You don't have to Eve, I understand-"

"It's ok Aaron. I'm a tough cookie. I won't let their words cut through my alligator skin. You know what they say: Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." There was a slight bitter undertone to her words.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'll be fine."

"I just- I'm your big brother. I'm supposed to protect you."

"I've already learned to protect myself. You can't keep me safe anymore. I'm a big kid now."

"You shouldn't have ever needed to learn to protect yourself. I should have protected you, even back then." Aaron ran his fingers through his hair.

Evie laid her shaky hand on his knee, "You couldn't have done anything about it, you were too young. You did enough just by not being like them. Having someone on my side, that makes it enough."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"But I'll try to stop them net time they say something wrong."

"Thank you, that means a lot."

"I love you sis."

"I love you too now, get out my room." Evie wiped her eyes and shoved him towards the door.

"Alright, alright I can tell when I'm not wanted. But just so you know, these walls are thin." He salutted her and went back to his room.

Evie laid back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. What she told her brother was true, it hurt to hear what her parents said. But she lied, she wasn't ok. Her scar tissue was tender.

It was hard to write because I’m close to the topic but I wrote it

[strawberryspeachy]

3 years ago my cat had kittens... i could still talk to my mom kind of.... and... things were ok aside from me being upset over some dumb boy

And i was thinking how i wanna go back. I miss my mom so much i want to go back. And was like. Well that wasnt a good time, a year before was better right?

Leading me to the reason why I was so miserable as a kid.

Look. Im a miserable person - i dont want to blame it all on one person but fuck man...

Everytime i think about times where i was happy, i realize SHE was the reason I WASNT.

Middle school - i had friends. I was smart. I liked school. I had hobbies and dreams. But i never wanted to leave school because i didnt want to come home. I didnt want to come home becauae of HER

I keep saying her like im talkig about my mom. Im not. Im talking about my great grandmother

I just sat here for 10 minites telling myself im stupid and making things up and making things out to be worse than they are.... i bet that thinking comes from her in all honesty

Thinking, “did she love me?” Now. I dont care. I dont miss her. Everytime i think about her its upsetting that i had her in my life... the only good thing i can ever say about her is “i know what its like to have a strict parent” THATS NOT GOOD. like fucking thanks for screaming at me every holiday to eat correctly. Now i know table manners. Thats all you did for me - while making me dread every fucking family dinner which aside from you was wonderful because my family used to be cool.

She ruined every holiday. She didnt want decorations. Were were gonna burn down the house. We were making a mess. We were being loud. She doesnt want this or that in HER HOUSE. She constantly chased everyone out the door because she NEVER had anything nice to say. The second she entered the room everyone made excuses to leave. When shed open her fucking creaking door the laughter would stop, smiles turn to cringes and wed all look at each other with the “welp the funs over” face

She was just so mean. You cant be happy because you’re not doing something she wanted you to do. Or you fucked something up. Theres some reason that youre supposed to be upset or concerned. BUT YOU CANT WIN THAT WAY EITHER - if youre upset - how dare you. You have so many good things you entitled undeserving brat. Fucking appriciate everything. The best way was some mixture where you smile but are ready to be pissed the fuck off in a moments notice. Cause if you wete more pissed off than she was the yelling was cut in half and mostly just her telling you not to give her that attitude - instead of a whole lecture on why you’re a fucking failure.

Everytime i think of a better time in my life. Its not even that much better because of that demon in my life. Constantly teling me shes gonna kick me out of the house. Constantly telling me im a burden to my mom. Constantly telling me im the reason for all her problems and saying that my animals were going to banrupt her.

The only thing i did well in her eyes was that i got good grades in school. She beleived my report card. Thats all. Pretty amazing that she could beleive that but thought i was too damn stupid to graduate college because there was a physical paper in front of her that she recognized

If i cooked or cleaned i did it wrong - if i didnt i should have

Why am i always at my best friends house?! “Her family doesnt want you there!!”

Why dont you play with your animals?!? Stop making noise playing with your animals!!

There was no escaping her. I broke my nose in a car accident and my friends mom took me for surgery. She came running out of the house to complain to my friends mom about how she could have taken me but i didnt ask her and im so awful - right after my surgery. Cause like why dont you want someone whose constantly bitching at you and telling you how shit you are to take you to a stressful surgery?

Conditional love... i already knew that... but its like the first time ive used it myself and havent just attributed the description.

She was my step - great grandmother. Shes all i ever knew but we werent blood related.

She loved my grandfather and my aunt and even my aunts two kids - the way family loves. She was still a bitch but she didnt disown them when they bugged her

The rest of us. Including my mom. Conditional love. Its not like she never did nice things. But she did expecting something in return.

Maybe shes why i dont like dealing with people im not allowed to say no to. Like i have such a deep seeded hatred for that relationship that the second i sense it i just refuse to deal with it again. You couldnt say no to her. You couldnt. If you said no to her about ANYTHING pack your fucking bags and get the hell out of HER HOUSE. that was her favorite two words. She needed my moms and grandfathers help and asked them to move in. But. We were guests in HER HOUSE.

I had some trauma as a kid that I probably would have gotten over if the happy family i knew before we moved to my great grandmothers stayed that way. But my aunt was always miserable. My uncle ran away as fast as possible. And my mom. A people pleaser. You know those old traditions where a man marrys and then he fucks off and does whatever he wants leaving his wife to serve his parents hand and foot. That was my moms life. He cheated on her and the demon made fun of her for everything, apparently constantly telling “dumb poloc” jokes. My mom cleaned everyday and cooked and took care of everyone and took care of our farm basically alone. I tried to help... i was a kid... and she was depressed. You wouldn’t know if you didnt really listen - which no one else in my family did.

And i looked at my mom everyday. I didnt really get it. All i knew was she was a wonderful kind generous happy - all around best human. And yet. Her life sucked. And she was sad. And i wonder if my mom would have been so sad if not for the demon...

My grandfather loved his mom.... but he used to never come in the house. My whole life. He was always out. The moment she died, he was always in the house. Maybe because he missed her and was sad.... but... i dont think so.... he stopped drinking a case of beer every night too

This whole post just to say... im mad that if goven the chance... im not sure if id go back to any of those times where i had to live with the demon... even though everything else at those times were good... the amount of stress and misery she gave me... almost outweigh the good... and. There was alot of good. I miss so many things.

I wanna be with my mom again. Without the dementia. I wanna be with my animals. I wanna be with my friends. I want second chances. I wanna make changes.

I loved her dude...i used to wish good things on her... i beleived she truely cared about me...

When she was dying. She couldn’t talk. Her friend called. I offered to put the phone to her ear. The friend was dismayed when i aswered. The tone of her voice changed. And she went “oh. The granddaughter.” She asked to talk to the demon as though i was holding the phone away from her and like i just wanted to hear whatever secrets she may have and wouldnt actually put it to her ear. She hung up angerly... as though... i wasnt an upset family member... i got preoccupied by the pleading look in my greatgrandmothers eyes. She wanted me to put the phone to her ear... but the woman had already hung up. I told her she had to go but said shes thinking of her. She looked so disappointed that she couldn’t hear it herself. And i felt... still feel bad... for the dying woman in her last days...

But maybe if she hadnt constantly talked about me as though i was the worst person because i dared to live my life the same as my aunt with animals and friends. But then go off to college but take a server job when o couldnt find a better one. Talked about me like i tried to kill her myself and that i was so lazy and rude and terrible. Maybe. Her bitchy friend. Wouldnt have hung up upon even having to interact with me

And then. Even in death. She made sure that i knew my place. she wrote her obituary herself. She put my aunts kids who are 13+ years younger than me, ahead of me, when listing her great grandchildren.

[portmack]

bored n sad

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?- idc

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?- no

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?- out i hate when theyre in 

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?- no

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?- i like them as bookmarks and sometimes ill have to do lists on them

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?- occasionally 

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?- bear 

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?- no

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?- eh

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?- when people are late

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?- all the time

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?- probably

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?- no

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING?- eh

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?- no

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?- 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?- twin xl

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?- new york by st vincent

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?- sure

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?- yeah

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?- idk

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?- my bank account

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?- water

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?- i dont eat meat

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?- croissants 

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?- foodfight (2012)

27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?- nah

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?- no

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?- not at the moment

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER?- yeah

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR?- i cant even drive

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET?- no

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS?- no

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH?- not a fan

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?- pancakes

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?- anytime

37. ARE YOU LAZY?- not really 

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?- idk

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?- boar

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?- uh the closest to being fluent was italian but i used to be able to half speak spanish and latin

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?- used to have a fourfourtwo one but not anymore

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS?- legos

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN?- only when im right

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN?- idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?- no

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?- no

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?- no

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?- no

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?- no

50. EVER USED A GUN?- no

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER?- senior pictures in high school

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY?- yeah 

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?- yeah

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI?- not since i was like 6

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE?- i dont eat pie

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?- soccer player or vet

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?- eh

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?- sure

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?- not currently

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?- no

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE?- no

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?- usually sweatpants and a tshirt

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT?- not counting music festivals i think owl city/maroon 5/vv brown

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART?- target

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS?- abibas

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS?- pringles

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS?- i dont like either

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN?- idk

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS?- we had to take a dance class in 5th grade and we learned choreography to a high school musical song

 70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?- no

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE?- yeah

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE?- no

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY?- yeah

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS?- several

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER?- yeah

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE?- no

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?- hm 

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT?- tbh ive seen all my favorite favorite bands i think, but maybe hop along

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW?- saintseneca/yuck

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA?- coffee

81. TEA OR COFFEE?- coffee

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES?- either

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL?- well enough

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE?- yeah

85. ARE YOU PATIENT?- you could say that

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?- im not a fan of weddings

87. EVER WON A CONTEST?- yeah

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?- no

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?- i dont eat olives

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET?- no

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE?- no room

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?- not really

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?- someone that turned out to be a hardcore republican but i didnt know that at the time

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?- no

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?- i have dogs

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS?- no

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? - bue

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW?- not really

Tell me the 3 best things about you.- im reliable, thats all i can think of

On a scale of 1-10, how strict are/were your parents?- they werent strict with me because i was well behaved and did well in school so probably like 1-2

Who was your worst teacher? Why?- my ap english teacher probably

Who was your favorite teacher? Why?- i like my archaeology professor

Which would you pick: being world-class attractive, a genius or famous for doing something great?- idk

Who are the 3 greatest living musicians?- joanna newsom

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?- everything

What was your favorite toy growing up?- idk

Name 3 celebrities you most admire.- i dont really care about celebrities

Name a celebrity you think is lame.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?- i guess being about to graduate college

Which of your friends are you proudest of? Why?- not really sure who considers me a friend anymore

What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?- barcelona

What are your 3 favorite movies?- foodfight, foodfight, foodfight

Which historical figure would you like to be?- dont care

What’s the right age to get married?- whenever you want to

Tell me 3 things you remember about kindergarten.- i could probably name at least half my classmates

What paper that you’ve written are you most proud of?- ive only written 3? maybe 4 papers all throughout college and im not really proud of any of them they were just assignments to me

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?- black raspberry or nutterbutter

What’s your favorite holiday?- im not a holiday guy

If you could eat only 3 foods for the rest of your life, what would they be?- i basically already do that

If you could be a cartoon character for a week, who would you be?- thats a good question but im not gonna answer it

What’s one choice you really regret?- several choices i made around age 13

What’s a great book you’ve read recently?- i havent read a real book in a few years :-(

Do you feel like a leader or a follower?- more of a leader

If you could ask your pet 3 questions, what would they be?- why are you a rat

What’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?- not die

Who would play you in a movie of your life?- me

If you could be an Olympic athlete, in what sport would you compete?- idk i guess soccer or tennis maybe snowboarding 

If you had to live in a different state, what would it be?- ive lived in 3 states

What living person, other than family members, do you most admire?- hm

What has been your favorite family vacation?- honestly probably random places in Pennsylvania thats vague but those are usually fun

If you could choose your own nickname, what would it be?- idk

Who is the funniest person you know?- some guy from high school

What’s your favorite thing about one of your grandparents?- my grandma is wild

Do you ever talk to yourself? When and what do you say?- not out loud 

When you’re having a bad day, what do you do to make yourself feel better?- suffer 

What’s your favorite smell in the whole world?- i cant smell well my nose doesnt work

What do you think is the greatest invention of all time?- computers

Using one word, how would you describe your family?- mess

Would you rather win an Olympic medal, an Academy Award or the Nobel Peace prize?- nobel but not the peace prize

What’s your favorite time of day?- afternoon

What’s your favorite season?- fall

What’s the one food you could never bring yourself to eat?- i dont eat most things

If you could ask the President one question, what would it be?- fuck you

If you could pick a new first name, what would it be?- theres a couple i have in mind

What’s your dream job?- i wish i knew

Cake or pie?- cake

What’s the best part about having siblings?- someone to play vidya games with

What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?- i dont watch scary movies

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?-italy

What is your favorite family tradition?- we dont have many

Who’s your celebrity crush?- eyes emoji

What trait do you like the most about yourself?- hm

What are you good at?- school

What fictional character do you wish you could meet?- theres a long list

What’s the first thing you do when you get home from a trip?- sleep

Would you rather spend five days exploring Disney or New York City?- disney since i live near nyc and hate it

Whose parents do/did you wish you had?- what

If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?- probably an electronics store

What personal trait has gotten you in the most trouble?- im kind of blunt without realizing it idk if thats a personality trait

Who is your favorite athlete?- who do you think

Would you rather be the most popular kid in school or the smartest kid in school?- i was close to the latter already

What do you like to do on a rainy day?- sleep

What is your favorite thing about the beach?- idk the beach makes me sad these days

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would it be?- asleep

What is your favorite Disney movie?- lilo and stitch

If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?- dark comedy 

Name a product or service you love so much that you’d happily be that company’s spokesperson.- probably none

If you were guaranteed to be successful in a different profession, what would you want to do?- i wish i knew

What’s the worst thing you did as a kid?- something i deeply regret

What is your favorite day of the week?- thursday

Which super power would you like to have and why?- shape shifting

3, If you were a bicycle, what part would you be?- the brakes

4If you were a t-shirt, what colour would you be and why?- black

[viralhottopics]

15 Young Divorcs Share Why Their Marriage Failed (And How They Could Have Fixed It)

1.I never learned how to communicate effectively and neither did she (both children of divorce ourselves) and that was absolutely the cause of what went wrong.

Jason, 32

2.We only talked about the fun stuff what kind of careers we saw ourselves in down the line, where we wanted to live, what we wanted our house to look like. We barely spent anytime discussing the uncomfortable stuff because it was exactly that: uncomfortable. Barely talked about finances and how we would handle merging them, barely talked about how wed want to raise our children or when wed even want to have them, never discussed if we wanted religion to be a part of our marriage. We never talked about the important things. It seems crazy, but when youre so in love with being in love, the important stuff slips through your fingers.

Heather, 31

3. I married someone who loved the idea of having a wife and having that perfect family, but he didnt love the idea of having a partner through the ugly side of things too. Thats what you really need to make it last, though. A partner through the ugly stuff.

Clare, 28

4. I wish I had done more research, as weird as that sounds. Read more books and more articles, did some premarital counseling, gotten advice from older couples. You dont realize how hard it is until you walk into it and youre completely unprepared.

Steven, 29

5. We are that typical horror story. Obsessed over the wedding day in and day out for over a year. Only talked about that and thought about that and nothing else. By the time we were married and it was all over, we had nothing propelling us forward and nothing to talk about and we were not at all prepared for what this was going to be.

Christina, 32

6. You need to go into this understanding that its going to be really, really, really, really, really, really hard. People will tell you this a lot but youll brush it off and think youll be different. You wont, no matter how in love you are. Be prepared for it to be really hard.

Vic, 35

7. We werent comfortable with fighting. We never researched or learned that theres an okay and even HEALTHY way to do it. So we thought it was more responsible to just sweep stuff under the rug and not talk about it. Eventually that turned into passive aggression which turned into us just barely being able to stand each other.

Martin, 30

8. He was terrible at apologizing and owning up to his mistakes. I was terrible at compromising. Those are fixable things (if you put some work into it.) But if you dont work on it, it WILL be detrimental to your marriage.

Lillian, 27

9. I treated getting married like something on a checklist. That sounds bizarre from the outside, but when youre 29 and everyone is already married, you just feel a panic and as soon as you meet someone that you thinkyou could maybe be happy with, its hard to not just jump totally in before youre ready. And thats what I did, I jumped in before I was ready, because I just wanted to be married so badly.

Tina, 34

10. I hadnt fully sat down and processed that it will only be that one person, for the rest of your life. In every aspect of your life. Seems like an obvious thing, but thats the problem; because its so obvious, most people dont sit down and truly think about it and get their minds and their hearts and everything else ready for it.

Mathew, 32

11. I let my family get way too involved in our marriage. And that ruined us. There is such thing as too much family involvement.

Bryant, 29

12. We had kids before we were ready. I understand that there is never going to be a perfect moment, but we never had any time to ourselves as just us, as just a couple. And we didnt learn how to work through things and how to argue, and then all the sudden there were two kids in the family, one after another. They are truly gifts. But its hard to become a parent less than a year into your marriage. And then againso suddenly.

Patrick, 32

13. We both held every single little thing against each other, like it was a competition. My pride blocked me from realizing this then, but I see it now. The only problem is it’s just too late now.

Jaquie, 33

14. The pressure of the wedding really stressed us both out. And our lack of communicating during it became our lack of communicating with any stressful issue in our marriage. We never fully came back from it.

Lynn, 31

15. We both held control issues and thats something we should have worked on individually, and as a couple, long before we even got engaged.

Perry, 37

Read more: http://tcat.tc/2k8oTbM

from 15 Young Divorcs Share Why Their Marriage Failed (And How They Could Have Fixed It)