#when i was 17 i was convinced i was unloveable because i wasnt close enough with even one person to keep talking to them after covid starte
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#my bed is like 10 ft#from moms#same thing#and i realized i have such a chip on my shoulder about my sister#shes like the opposite. she hated our childhood and didnt even realize she was an extrovert until she was like 16#but the world just handed her everything on a silver platter????#shes always had friends. tons of them so many she can pick and choose her favorites#and she never had any major issues with our mom#hell she even got a queen sized bed when she was like 12 and im 20 and still have a twin#and now shes 17 and has a boyfriend and all these perfect friend circles (TONS)#and her only troubles with getting good grades are because shes too busy hanging out with her friends#when i was 17 i was convinced i was unloveable because i wasnt close enough with even one person to keep talking to them after covid starte#and because i was having tons of arguments with my mom and my sister didnt want to hang out with me and thought i was annoying#so i basically felt like i was bleeding out because i didnt have enough of my social needs fullfilled#and im just like. i know everything about this is unfair and unreasonable#but i cant help but think “why does she get to have all of this fucking handed to her???? she didnt want it anywhere near as bad as i did”#she didnt have to suffer for it like i did#and im still in nowhere near as good of a social position as she was in in like. middle school#and then (again i know this is unreasonable) she has the fucking gal to still be mean and bitter and cause problems because of shit#that i also dealt with but didnt even make it on the list of things that fucked me up????#and she has the nerve to act like our problems and situations are equal??? i say i dont have my own room and she says ??? no its not the sam#and then she gets excused for saying shit to me that everyone would be HORRIFIED if i said it to her??? and theyre like oh shes just like t#I HAVE SO MUCH MORE OF AN EXCUSE TO BE LIKE THAT THAN HER#i have been VERBALLY kicked out of two friend groups and left like 10 others because i realized everyone in the group hated me#i have sat on the cement floor crying and pulling my hair out trying to get my mom to give me a hug and tell me it was gonna be ok#and had her respond by calling me psycho#and i dont blame my mom for it (it doesnt sound like it but she was doing her best shit was rough) and i OBVIOUSLY dont blame my sister#but god i dont know i cant handle her being happy and getting everything ive always hoped for#and i also cant handle her being sad and bitter about stuff that (again not real just emotionally) seems so tiny to me#like idk what i want but
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