#when i thought i might have narcolepsy my psych said

[whitecatcrime]

mental health thoughts after the last reblog

you know, i wasn't sure if i should post this here, but i just reblogged a post related to it, so here we go. i still feel vulnerable posting these thoughts, so i still might delete this later. btw this is also kind of long. sorry.

note: i definitely feel like i'm probably over reacting to a lot of this, but do feel free to correct me on anything.

ANYWAY, okay, how do i start talking about this? i'm no fan of the DSM, but i've been doing research on something, and it lead up to doing research on psychotic disorders and disorders with psychotic features. back when i was in my teens, i was diagnosed with MDD "possibly with psychotic features" before i knew much about psychosis. i was told that my narcolepsy was causing the weird brain stuff that could be related to that because, well, it can cause psychotic-like symptoms. but anyway. i should get to the point.

during the time i got that psych exam, and during years surrounding it, i was dealing with catatonia (based on what a therapist said), hallucinations that really stressed me out (mostly episodic), and weird beliefs (the example i like to give is the time where i believed an imposter took over my partner's body because i've talked about it enough tor remember it, even with my shitty memory), and more. i would either have few-hour long episodes that happened when my BPD stuff was acting up or longer ones that were more more random (i think).

anyway, i don't really bring these experiences up to psychs because they usually change the subject or are like "you don't seem like someone who's psychotic." (reminds me of the psychiatrist that looked at "R/O BPD" on my exam results and was like, "you just don't seem like you have BPD. i can tell as soon as patients walk into my office!" and therefore didn't even look for it. (and then another psych, later on, said i fit the criteria, but whatever).

back to the point. it's been really hard to tell if what i'm experiencing is depression or negative symptoms. after upping certain medications, i don't think i've experienced the "depressed mood" symptom for a long time, which makes my psych nurse wonder if i'm even experiencing depression. (though i know that you don't need the "depressed mood" symptom to be in a depressive episode, so idk.) but one thing i've noticed is that the symptoms of depression i do experience are also negative symptoms. plus i experience negative symptoms that aren't criteria for depression. whatever these symptoms are have potentially taken over my life more than most things.

but one big detail is that i stopped experiencing positive symptoms (except for when i'm on weed). i was out of an episode for a few months (longer than usual), and then started an atypical antipsychotic, and now i haven't experienced them in years, whatever the reason is.

it could be the medication, but i don't think that usually makes positive symptoms... go away completely? i've also been researching residual psychotic disorders (or the "residual stage" of schizophrenia for example), which aren't in the DSM-5 (they were in the DSM-4, but i'd figure it's still a phenomenon), and i've only spent like 5-7 hours researching total, but it seems to... fit? but obviously there could be something i'm missing.

i'm not claiming i fit the criteria of anything i've been talking about. it really just makes me wonder how what's going on would be labeled. i hope i'm not too ridiculous for wondering about this.

[opbackgrounds]

So I read the Ace Novel (Part 2)

I’m going to be level with you, if I hadn’t said I was going to do a write up for the novel, I don’t think I would have finished this one. The first fifty or so pages are terribly boring, and while it picks up considerably toward the end, I don’t think I can recommend it, for one reason and one reason only:

It reads like a freaking wikipedia article. And I hate it. 

I described Part 1 of the Ace novel like three separate one shots with the barest hint of continuity between them. That’s not the case this time around, as most of what it covers are events mentioned in the manga: The fight with Jinbe, Ace’s 100 battles with Whitebeard, Ace formally joining the Whitebeard Pirates. Comparatively speaking, that’s a lot of canon material to get through. Consequently, it’s also quite a bit longer than Part 1, about 200 pages. 

(some of those pages happen to be longer than others)

(yes this made me literally laugh out loud)

The problem is there is a metic ton of manga recap that has nothing to do with this novel, especially in chapters 1 and 2. This was baffling to me, as it seems unlikely that someone would pick up a One Piece magazine (where the novel was originally published) or a One Piece side story without bing familiar with the manga. Yet concepts like the Four Emperors, Celestial Dragons, and even the Grand Line were laid out in meticulous detail.

I am going to be unfair for a moment and compare the Ace novels to my favorite spin-off series of all time, the Kyoshi duology that takes place in the Avatar universe. 

Unlike the Ace novels, they take place several centuries before the main series, so there aren’t a lot of plot details that overlap with the animated series in the way the Ace novels do to the main manga. What is in common, however, isn’t repeated. Nowhere in the two Kyoshi books does she learn the story about Avatar Wan or any of the same lore details that are important to Aang and Korra’s stories. Instead it expands on the world building details laid out in the main series and deepens them. 

For example, do you want to know how the Fire Nation royalty got so good at lightning bending, or how the greater Earth Kingdom political landscape works? Read book 1. Do you want to know how the Fire Nation went from a fractured clan system to a strong centralized government or how advanced water bending healing techniques work? Read book 2. It’s exposition that fleshes out the system already in place, rather than retreading what’s already been established. 

Part 2 of the Ace novel does this a little bit when it develops the Pirate Code, something that has never mentioned in the manga, and even if it was Luffy’s not the sort of character that’s going to care to adhere to it. The strongest portion of the novel shows Ace going out on a mission on Whitebeard’s behalf, showing some of what it’s like to maintain the vast territories that he keeps under his flag.

But mostly...mostly it’s just recap. Literally the entire Fishman Island backstory is written out in some of the blandest narration I’ve ever read, paragraphs upon paragraphs talking about Queen Otohime and Fisher Tiger and the civil unrest of the Ryugu Kingdom, including but not limited to Vander Decken stalking Shirahoshi and her subsequent imprisonment in the royal tower. 

There���s also the wholesale recycling of gags straight from the manga that 1) don’t necessarily work as well in written format, and 2) show no originality or creativity on the part of the author. In my opinion, recurring gags are funniest when a writer can contrive different variations and circumstances around the base joke. Instead we get scenes like this beat-for-beat copy of Ace’s narcolepsy gag in Alabasta, down to using the waitress’s skirt as a napkin

I noticed in Part 1 that the author had snuck some canon elements in, such as Deuce and Ace building Striker—the one man, fire-powered boat he showed off in Alabasta—when I personally didn’t think either of them were smart enough to think up, let alone construct, anything that sophisticated. I didn’t mention it in my previous write up because there are a lot of fans that enjoy those kind of Easter eggs, and it’s a novel that runs on manga logic so it’s not exactly breaking my suspension of disbelief either. It was a minor quibble that didn’t really detract from my overall enjoyment. 

But the story of Fishman Island is at best tangentially related to the events of the novel. The only reason Fishman Island is important at all is because Ace decides to burn down Whitebeard’s flag on his way into the New World. 

Which brings me to perhaps the most interesting aspect of the novel: Ace himself. 

Even in the manga, you can make the case that there are two Aces, the happy-go-lucky, cool, and mysterious older brother of Luffy seen at Alabasta/post-Enies Lobby, and the angsty, existentially depressed young man with daddy issues that shows up during Impel Down/Marineford. 

The novel leans much closer to the latter. More than I expected it to. The Ace of Part 2 is hotheaded and a bit of a jackass. Whereas Luffy tends to go after people he has a personal beef with, Ace specifically targets Whitebeard because he was the closest to Roger, and he thinks that defeating Whitebeard will somehow bring him fame greater than his father. He ignores the concerns of his crew and the repeated warnings about how Emperors control vast armies...because of daddy issues. The novel goes out of his way that Ace’s dreams made him better suited to be a Revolutionary than a pirate, and it’s only because of his childhood promise that he became a pirate at all. It wasn’t something born out of true conviction or desire.

Laying it out like that, it might seem like this is a negative, but to me it’s one of the most interesting things the novel has to offer. I thought Part 1 worked best when it acted as a character study for Deuce, Ace, and the marine girl whose name I have already forgotten, focusing on how Ace brought together degenerates unwanted by even other degenerates. The same is true here: Once the exposition dumps are over and the focus returns to the titular character, the author is able to dig a little bit deeper into into Ace’s psyche, and he takes it in a direction I didn’t expect, but was consistent with his manga portrayal. 

I just wish I could have seen a little bit more of it. 

And speaking of characters I wish I had seen more of, after focusing so much on Deuce and Marine Girl in Part 1, they have a much reduced role in Part 2. In fact, Marine Girl isn’t seen or mentioned even once, which I thought was kind of strange. I guess I don’t see the point in putting so much effort was put into her only for her to be thrown away without even a cameo. Likewise, after spending Part 1 as the principal POV character, Deuce is set aside for Thatch and Teach. Whether that’s a good or bad thing will depend largely on how much you enjoy those individual characters. 

I don’t say this often, but these are books that can be judged by their covers. Part 1, Ace is more jovial—the burning flame that attracts others to his greatness—while introducing two major new characters to his journey. Part 2, Ace is grim and angry—the dark, smoldering flame burning with the desire to destroy the system that would have killed him for being the wrong man’s son—while focusing much more on the Whitebeard Pirates and what makes them great. 

It’s an interesting contrast, the two sides of Ace’s character as seen in the manga given a little bit of limelight. But damn if it wasn’t tedious to get through. 

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 15

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): Two months. It took me two months to write this chapter. I... I’m honestly kinda surprised at myself...

Umm... I didn’t intend on writing this chapter so early, it was meant to be dragged on for a while more and has kind of a big time jump in it (for plot reasons, trust me), but I mean... the fuck with it. The world deserves some BAMF Emile, we need some cuddles, and the subject of the first... three fourths of this chapter is one that I went to friends from a discord server with and told them I’m trying to make it really subtle and one of them just went, “This isn’t subtle at all, this shit is jumping off the walls and doing somersaults in front of me.”

So I mean... let’s get this over with! Let’s let the cat halfway out of the bag and have the first Emile-centered chapter of many, many others planned.

Thanks as always go to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for not geting super extra frustrated with all my weird questions, to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for being my guinea pig most of the time and for the original idea, and to @winglessnymph and @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl for sticking with me and my insane ideas from the beginning (and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you shit about this chapter, but y’all knew it was coming).

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @ilovemygaydad, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). Not as much in here, actually in this chapter it’s pretty non-existent, but this trigger warning goes in every chapter. This chapter also includes Holocaust mentions, discussion of mental health, and that’s honestly about it I think but please let me know if there’s anything I missed.

—————

Wednesday, March 19th, 2003

"Do you understand why I asked you to come here today?" Gilliam asked, clicking a pen.

Emile was frozen in his seat.

"Umm…" Emile's leg started shaking. "Is it about my last project…? I swear I really did read everything I said I—"

"Look…" Gilliam sighed. "You're a fantastic student. Really, Emile. You are one of my best students. But… I gotta say, you remind me of myself, and not in a good way."

"What do you mean…?"

"Do you mind if we went over your last test?" Emile nodded, feeling the heavy sensation in his stomach get even stronger.

"The last test I took was the implicit…"

"Your last written test," Gilliam clarified. "The one in December." He pulled out a folder labeled and decorated with a mint green marker.

‘Emile Picani - 2002/3'

"Your answers were great," Gilliam said with a sad smile as he pulled out the last test from the back of the folder. "They just didn't fit the questions. Look here, define four of the following five Gestalt Laws of Organization."

"I defined four of the following five Gestalt Laws—"

"You explained them, Emile. Define and explain are two very different instructions. I've been there too, kid. I know it's confusing." Emile wanted to vanish right then and there. It wasn't… he was trying his best! "Also, question eight, part c, why do we dream?" The doctor started underlining the question with his pen, thankfully closed. "Take one of the proposed theories and provide one way in which this may be supported."

"But… but I did—"

"Part d, take the same theory from part c and provide a way in which it might be refuted."

Well… they were going to kick him out, weren't they.

"You're a very smart kid, Emile Picani. I'll bet you so many people told you you have such potential and all that… I know it's very frustrating." Gilliam pushed Emile's glasses up, wiping his eyes from unshed tears in the process. It was… somewhat calming. "Did anyone ever suggest that you might have ADHD?"

Emile shook his head. That possibility… well, he didn't want it to be a possibility! Sure, it wasn't the end of the world if he did, but… his parents didn't have to pay for more adderall than necessary, their neighbors didn't need any more reasons to call his mom a drug addict! And… the counselor at his high school had to be right. He was stupid… wasn't he? Learning disabilities just made you stupid…

He was useless. Regardless of what his professor thought.

"Getting into university at seventeen years old is no easy fit," Gilliam kept rambling. "I remember Walter reading your essay to me—"

"Walter?"

"...oh, right! Professor Freeman." Emile's eyes darkened a bit, as if he already knew what was about to be said. Gilliam just laughed. "Yeah, he immigrated from Germany in the late forties I think… poor guy. Changed his last name and everything! Yeah… so anyway, he read your essay to me. We fought a lot of people to have you accepted! I just… I have to ask you. Have you ever had issues like that in school?"

Emile nodded.

"And not in school?"

"I… I guess, yeah… why?"

Gilliam just pulled a light purple post-it note, scribbled something on it, scribbled the same thing again after opening his pen, and handed it to the very confused Emile.

"I said it before, but this time I mean it even more than last time. Go to the psych clinic. I'll write you a referral if you find it hard to talk to them, just let me know, but in my opinion you really should get evaluated for ADHD."

As Emile got up to leave, he fiddled with the note in his hands. It was… he was…

Was he really going to do that…?

"Austria," he mumbled as he reached the door.

"Excuse me?"

"Dr. Freeman is Austrian, not German. It can be confusing, I know. His family immigrated in 1947. And his last name is Landau. He never changed it, he just goes by Freeman for teaching because nobody liked the ‘Germans' post-Holocaust."

"Did he tell you that…?"

"You said he read you my essay, I thought you guessed already."

He was sure he left Gilliam baffled. But it didn't help the sinking feeling in his stomach any.

————

"I can't have it," Emile mumbled against Remy's chest, the note semi-safely in his pocket. "I don't want to!"

"Emmy, gurl, you realize you're making a huge deal out of nothing, right?" Remy laughed. "It's ADHD. It's not terminal cancer."

That made Emile cry even harder.

"No, no… Emile, it's gonna be alright. I promise. Okay? You trust me?"

"My uncle would be so disappointed," Emile whispered. "He's the reason I'm here! And… and I'm disappointing him so much!"

"You're a legacy, sweets?"

"Kinda… I guess." He sniffled. Remy felt his heart break even more, and for what? A mental disorder, a learning disability, a small neurological difference that only made him (in Remy's opinion) even more awesome? "I don't want him to… to lose his status... especially not because of me! He worked so hard to get a teaching position and I don't want to be his downfall!"

"Who's this uncle, sweetie? If you having ADHD will be his downfall he's probably not such a good—"

"Doctor Landau— Umm, Doctor Freeman. He's my mom's uncle."

Remy was… needless to say he was speechless.

"Which Freeman are we talking about, love?"

"Head of psychology, Doctor Walter Freeman."

...his name is LANDAU?!

"...so after about six months of knowing you, you finally decide to tell me that you're the great-nephew of the head of department?!" Emile giggled against Remy's chest. He couldn't believe it! "Scandalous! Preposterous! Un-be-fucking-lievable! Emile!"

"I swear that's not how I got in," Emile muttered happily. "I wrote an essay, I swear I did!"

"Okay, but still, gurl, that's not a secret! It's too big to be called a secret."

"There's no such a thing as too big a secret," Emile said in a near-perfect imitation of Freeman's accent, and then giggled again. "And besides, it wasn't a secret. You never asked!"

"My love, when I die, I want you to tell my dad that I loved him," Remy said in an overly dramatic tone, pretending to faint right there on the couch. "Give all my possessions to Leah—"

"Stop it, you drama queen!"

"Oh, I'm a queen, alright."

The conversation was interrupted by Katherine doing as Katherine does - which today meant running from her room to the kitchen, grabbing an orange and running right back, as if not to be seen - but as soon as she disappeared, Emile broke into an even bigger giggle fit.

"My aunt would be so disappointed if she knew I was crying over this," he said at last, calming down from his laughing fit. "Caroline is the harsher one of them, and… and she used to visit Evanston every couple months when my mom was in university to help her get through her degree and raise my sister. My mom had my sister really young, you know? She and my dad were nineteen, and… okay, sorry, I'm getting sidetracked…"

"Please keep talking, love," Remy told him gently, with a soft smile and a pat on the head. "I can go make you some more tea if you'd like before we continue?"

"No, that's alright! Maybe later!" The blond almost threw himself off the couch in excitement. "I actually think… I think I should talk to them about this… I mean, Caroline would almost certainly get mad at me for thinking it'll ruin his career, and Walter would help me through the whole diagnosis thing… he did the same with Julie before we knew what she had is narcolepsy, you know? So…"

"So is there really anything to be scared of?"

Emile shook his head. Remy wiped his tear-streaked cheeks with gentle fingers, fixing his glasses right after that.

"I… I'm gonna do it. Okay? I'm gonna do it."

He was so proud of himself. It was so cute.

—————

Friday, March 21st, 2003; 15:43 p.m.

"Doctor," the resident student-psychiatrist (Thelma Grinberg, an overly boring MS student Emile already knew) called as she stretched her hand to shake his uncle's hand. "That's a surprise."

"Since Emile is still a minor, I had to accompany him," he explained sharply. "Neither of his parents could come here today."

"Caroline could've come too," Emile mumbled.

"Your aunt has a busy schedule today, Emile."

"You do too��"

Thelma seemed incredibly confused, but kept going anyway. And it took her longer than was probably necessary to get through all the questions.

Emile hated people like that. (And so did his uncle.)

He was dropped off at his dorm before his uncle had to leave, and that probably spooked Remy more than it should have. The kind "Mr. Harris, nice to see you" didn't help any.

"How did it go?" Remy asked, looking almost straight at Emile.

"Quite well, I would say." The smile looked incredibly weird on the older man's face. "Call your mother for me. Tell her everything that happened today, ja?" Emile nodded eagerly. "Thank you, Emile."

"I didn't ask—"

And with a strict "I expect to see you at my office on Monday, Mr. Harris", the professor left the dorm building, leaving behind a happy blond and his flustered best friend.

"...what was that?!"

"I have to go there again a couple days before spring break for another test, and then after Passover for a TOVA," Emile explained, rather excitedly. "You know what a TOVA is, don't y—"

"It's that test where you click a button according to instructions, I know. Mueller explained it to everyone three days ago, Emmy."

"Oh right! And… and I guess that after those tests I'll know if I have anything!"

After a long moment of awkward silence, Emile tapped Remy's shoulder again. "Care to come over for the holidays? You didn't for Hanukkah and now my parents really want you to! I mean… I do too, but my parents haven't really met you yet and they think you're pretty cool and—"

"Sure, I'll come."

Emile had to do a bit of a double take. "Seriously? Remy, I don't think you understand what you're signing up for here, it's all my cousins from three different countries, most of them don't speak English, my grandparents, uncle Walter and aunt Caroline, maybe even mom's cousins if they'd be so grateful as to—"

"No, I get it, sweetie. I have, like, twenty cousins on Linda's side alone, more or less. I'll be fine. Don't worry about it."

Remy may have known before that he'll do anything to see Emile smile, but… he's never realized it until now. Probably? Maybe? But as Emile started bouncing happily and jumped in to hug him, Remy finally accepted the reality.

Coming over to Emile's during spring break was no trouble, but… in the long run, he would do anything to see him smile.

—————

Wednesday, April 16th, 2003

This was… definitely not spring break anymore. Remy was pretty sure that the higher ups in administration would rip him a new nonexistent one when they found out why he took a week's vacation in the middle of the spring semester…

Then again, so did a lot of the other students, and some of the staff. So maybe he was exaggerating…?

Eh. Finals start the week after that and end in May. He can allow himself a week off.

And yet he still had no idea how he ended up like this, watching Prince of Egypt with his best friend and said friend's three-year old niece at nine in the morning, as said friend's mom was overworking herself in the kitchen trying to make space and food for over thirty people…

Oh, and there was a dog too. She was currently playing with a squeaky toy, but she was there.

He only processed that this is the situation he's in once Emile started trying to get his niece singing. He had no idea what was going on on screen, but… something was.

"Mom, where's everyone?" Emile called to the kitchen after failing - for the hundredth time - to engage Analiese.

"Where could everyone possibly be, Emile?"

"Walter and Caroline are in town for the things you forgot to buy, grandma and grandpa are probably at their connection…" he started mumbling, counting on his fingers in an odd fashion. "I don't know!"

"You just said so yourself," Remy laughed quietly, grabbing Emile's hands gently. "Let's go over this again. Walter and Caroline are in town, your grandparents are at their connection…"

"Yeah, I know that," he groaned, slightly frustrated. "I just… everyone… here. That's what… that's what I'm confused about. Where's everyone here."

"...where everyone is seated?" Emile nodded. "Oh gurl… do you wanna make place holders, organize the seating, do you want to…"

"I just want to make sure nobody wants to sit on both my sides. One is okay, but you have to sit on my other side and I'm worried about that."

Oh…

"Well, we're gonna make sure that nobody takes my seat, okay?" Remy asked, kissing Emile's cheek afterwards.

"I sit with Emile!" Analiese declared, her attention now directed at the boys. Emile started laughing and leaned over to pinch her chubby cheek.

"We will read together, and sing together, and if mom complains we're gonna tell her off, right Ana?"

The toddler nodded, extremely determined, and Remy felt his heart melt all over again.

This was too good to be true, and not even seeing his most feared professor walk through the door and sit down next to them in the living room could shake this feeling. For once, Remy wasn't scared of this man. Through some odd change of fate, or something like that.

"So this is your first time doing such a thing?" Doctor La— Doctor Freeman asked, smiling gently as Analiese bounced in his lap and rambled about everything she's done this week. "Participating in Passover?"

"Yes, sir."

"He's my uncle now, not our professor," Emile laughed, squeezing Remy's hand. "You don't have to be so scared of him."

It didn't work as instantly as he wanted it to, but as the night went on, Remy actually… found that he wasn't that scared of him anymore.

As he said, this was too good to be true. And nothing could ever seem to be able to shake this good feeling.

[newhologram]

After diagnosis I was given stimulants. It was what led me to research other methods of treatment. Sad that we have to do this ourselves because the people who apparently know more about brains are clueless. I've had the discussion about dreams and to an extent the reality we process in our nervous system being something of a hallucination unique to the individual. I'm fascinated by it, and ketamine therapy puts me in a place where things are broken down into that data (seemingly) separate from human nervous system input. doctoringoutloud Mislabeling narcolepsy as a psychotic or mood disorder is very concerning to me, what are the questions you think need to be asked to make the distinction? This got long, it's hard to explain concisely because I honestly don't know.

I was thinking about all of this because I'm still in the new patient intake process with a new mental health team, on top of my therapist and ketamine doctor. So I've had a lot of different personal history/psych/personality/behavior/suicide assessments in the past month and a half (exhausting but necessary and I'm liking this clinic so far). I've gotten good at explaining chronologically not only my life and the trauma but also how that connects to my chronic illness/disability story in adulthood. But a question that has been asked a few times is, "Do you hear or see things that no one else does?" And in the past I would be stumped. Because yes, I do but I'd always put no because I was afraid to be honest about it. But then I thought, okay, but (most of the time) I'm aware that other people don't see/hear these things...so if I wasn't aware and I said no because I didn't realize they weren't "real' things, then what? And what about knowing other people don't see them but also believing they are "real" experiences? And what if choosing to nurture a (admittedly masochistic) relationship and understanding with these personal apparitions and being comfortable in a grey area of "belief" is just the way that has been best for me to cope with what might otherwise be daily terror? (I know already that there is nothing wrong with this either, but I'm thinking from a diagnostic and "how will this affect my professional life?" standpoint--bc like, I've had spiritual experiences singing and dancing to J-Pop. It's maybe not that *~serious~* lol) I realized I was always clarifying for my therapist that my practices and beliefs are "just a way for me to process trauma through mythology and fiction" as a sort of programmed defense because of bad past experiences (people suddenly treating me differently if I talked about hallucinations x spirituality). But also I realized I was still guarding myself like, to a professional, and not wanting her to think she was dealing with someone who could not distinguish reality from the brain spitting stuff out. I said to her, "If someone read my diary they'd literally want to lock me up." If I didn't say to people when asked, "do you really believe in that?" when caught reading a book about angels and demons or whatever: "the only thing I believe in is belief" and was just like, "yeah, this is the situation I'm in with the Universe, this is my reality"--how many people would quietly leave my life or label me mentally ill in that particular way, how many doctors would slap a diagnosis on that? I've mostly purged any sense of shame from my identity so most of the time I don't actually care if people think I'm c-word because that doesn't mean anything anymore in this context. Many of my family members, religious neighbors, etc, already think that because I'm queer and kneel at an altar daily lol. And I have a lot of non-spiritual atheist friends who are totally cool, have never been mean or rude about it. But I still wonder what would happen if I actually took the time to spell it out as I experience it for these professionals.

discipleofthewitness I have something similar where I'll hear someone call my name in someone elses voice even though they never called for me, and when I do ask to see what they wanted it was always that they never called me BUT they always had something important to say like an upcoming event or that I need to help them out with something or anything that needs my specific attention. Mind preparing us for events?? So fascinating. I've had a lot of experiences like that in my family. Some of them are spooky, some just annoying because it felt invasive on their part even if they didn't choose to "hear" something that I didn't want them to hear lol.

People go O_O when I mention hallucinations. Both the ones that come from sleep paralysis/randomly when I’m awake. I’ve had both since youth. Literally thought I was haunted. Maybe I am, but I was fascinated to learn that it’s bc I have neuro disorders. Neurology is wild.

But the thing is, I don’t have exact dx the waking hallucinations. I’ve asked and most neurologists say, “It’s probably just related to the narcolepsy.” Which, I GUESS but I’m not entirely satisfied. I’ll be talking to a friend and hear “call grandma” and then it turns out something had happened to their grandma and I should have said something when I heard it. Family is like, “no, you have a gift.” Alright but sometimes that “gift” is a bit distressing.

Anyone else have similar stuff?